Strictly Come Bitching

A Charlie Brooks Christmas

2011-12-29T15:46:00.004Z

Christmas Special 2011: 25th December 2011

Merry Christmas, everybody! Of course, by the time we've got around to recapping this and you've got around to reading it, Christmas is but a distant memory for all of us (though if your family is anything like mine, you'll barely be even a third of the way into all of the food you bought to sustain you through the festive season). Anyway, there was Christmas, and therefore it follows that there was a Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special, featuring five celebrities who ~~were too scared to face a full series and get voted out by the public~~ simply don't have the time to commit to a full series of the show because of their jam-packed schedules. In keeping with Christmas tradition, I was exiled into the other room to watch Doctor Who by myself (and as much as I prefer Steven Moffat's showrunning to that of Russell T. Davies, can we just agree that that's enough of the "people who have children are better than everyone else" storylines now? Because there have been A LOT recently, though apparently not enough for any of the tabloids to run an outraged story about "MOFFAT'S SICK PRO-PARENT AGENDA" the way they did when Russell T Davies occasionally dared to acknowledge the existence of gay people), but the Strictly special marked the point at which I was welcomed back into the living room for Family Viewing, which is surely what Christmas is all about. So, shall we begin?

There's no cold open, so we just go straight into the titles - which feature snowmen, so I suppose you could argue it's still a cold open of sorts. The theme tune has its traditional Christmas remix, reminiscent of 'Wonderful Christmastime', which as I suggested in my recap of last year's special, is THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER. Anyway, there are just snowmen (and snowladies) [snowwomen - Resident Feminist Carrie] dancing in the titles, perhaps because it costs too much to make a special version of the titles featuring these celebrities only to use it once. Either that, or the identity of the competitors is supposed to be some sort of "surprise", even though there were press releases about them months ago (hell, I even got a press release telling me who'd won about a week before Christmas). Still, the titles are brief, which means the exposure to the Worst Christmas Song Ever is minimal, and that's always good.

In order to get the Christmas special off to the absolute worst start possible, the very first face we see is Russell Grant's. Did anyone watch Gordon Ramsay's Christmas Cookalong Live on Christmas Day? Since Russell's desperation for attention is so very extensive, he appeared on that and made rather a nuisance of himself, though to be honest I was more distracted by Gordon's complete unsuitability for hosting a live television show, considering his lack of ability to fill those awkward pauses when the cut to Max Beesley's kitchen didn't quite happen right away. (My favourite bit of the whole thing was when Gordon asked Max "what's the biggest turkey you've ever made?" and I shouted "Glitter!" at the television.) Anyway, Russell's presence here is brief (he'll be back, though, so don't get too comfortable) and we pass by him and into the Strictly Christmas House, where our Christmas pros (Ian, Erin, Anton, Katya and Vincent) are wearing festive jumpers and surrounded by some oversized novelty crackers. The band strike up with 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' (the irony of which I'm sure was not lost on them when they recorded this at the end of November) and the pros perform a jive. That's right: a professional jive routine, featuring Anton. He's even at the front for a sizeable part of the routine, which was a brave move on the choreographer's part. The men all dance together for a bit, because it's Christmas and they've all had a few drinks (not as many as Alesha though, I suspect). After a bit more business, it's time to pull open those crackers and see who's inside! Erin and Vincent pull the cracker on stage right and land themselves Barry McGuigan and Charlie "Janine" Brooks (Len's look of fake-surprise in the background is a thing of hammy beauty), Ian and Katya pull the cracker on stage left and are rewarded with Debra Stephenson and Simon FromBlue, and then Ian gives Anton a hand to pull the big cracker upstage, from which Su Pollard emerges. I love that Su Pollard got a cracker all to herself. I hope she had that written into her contract.

Finally, after all that, we have a Bruce, and we have a Tess. Daly Festive Dresswatch: feathers all around her torso at the top of a sort of a taupe-hued dress. I've seen worse, I suppose. Bruce fumbles his way through the opening lines of 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' just so he can get to "trying to find out who's nice to see you, to see you [etc]". I'm not really sure it was worth the effort it took to get to that point, really. Bruce promises us that all of the stars of the 2011 series will be returning to the floor later (at this, there's a brilliant cut to Chelsee, Robbie, Harry, Jason and Holly all sitting together, with Chelsee's expression reading as one of surprise. Was she not briefed on this?) and Tess tells us that Shakin' Stevens will be performing later with "a golden Russell Grant-shaped surprise". The only thing that would surprise me about terminal oversharer Russell Grant would be if he kept his damn mouth shut and left this series alone.

After this, it's time to meet the stars of our festive show: actress and impressionist Debra Stephenson and her partner Ian Waite, singer Simon FromBlue and his partner Katya Virshilas, EastEnders' Charlie Brooks and her partner Vincent Simone, boxing legend Barry McGuigan and his partner Erin Boag, and finally, actress and comedian Su Pollard and her partner, Anton Du Beke. Su slips down the stairs a little bit. Oh, Su.

Bruce turns to the judges, and what is this? There's an empty seat next to Len! Surely this can't be an excuse for Craig Revel-Horwood to make a campy pantomime entrance? OH YES IT CAN! Oh no it can't! OH YES IT CAN! Oh no it ca--oh, actually it can. Craig's feet appear in the chimney breast, with a voiceover of "help! Help, I'm stuck! It's a DISAHHHSTUH!" booming through the studio. Craig finally emerges...dressed as The Grinch. Cue an awful lot of children explaining that gag to their elderly relatives. Craig vamps "I've come, darling, to steal Christmas!" and hoofs his way downstage. The audience boo him (I join in the booing, but I choose to direct my booing at Len and/or Tess's stylist) and Craig makes his way to his seat, loving every melodramatic moment.

Tess reminds us that there is no phone in because this was all recorded a month ago, so the studio audience will be deciding who wins tonight. I hope the entire Su Pollard Fan Club was bussed in especially for this. Simon and Katya are up first, and Duncan FromBlue and Antony FromBlue are in the audience to support him. Not Lee Ryan, though, who is presumably off somewhere saving the elephants. Apparently Antony was also on Celebrity Mastermind over Christmas, so the boys from Blue are clearly trying to "do a McFly" over the festive season. His VT reminds us of the heydays of Blue (but not so much the heyday of Top Of The Pops, since the clip they show features Richard Blackwood on hosting duties). Seeing this reminds me that he was the only member of Blue who managed a successful solo singing career - my sister, who was watching the show with me, even remembered that she had one of his albums somewhere. Then of course this year they reformed and did Eurovision, and now he's doing Strictly, which Simon lies will be the more nerve-wracking of the two. He unwraps Katya's Festive Package (tee hee) and we see their training footage, which involves Katya ordering him about a lot. Simon says that he likes being told what to do by a woman, and Katya cackles. Simon claims that his mother "gave birth to a mover" and offers us a little demonstration, which proves short-lived, as Katya advises him "let's not do that". Katya tells us that the Christmas special is about having fun, and Simon adds "AND WINNING!" I think, given the partners Katya's been given since she came on the show, she's perhaps forgotten that it's possible to actually win the competition. (RINGER FOR KATYA IN 2012 PLZ.) Simon has prepared a smile for victory and a smile for defeat, he tells us, so he's covered either way. Katya continues to cackle at everything he says. I think she's had a bit of festive spirit from Alesha's drinks cupboard. [I think she just fancies Simon FromBlue. He's a very magnetic kind of man. Am I allowed to tell my anecdote about when I interviewed him? - Carrie]

They're dancing a cha cha cha to 'Merry Xmas Everybody', and Katya's wearing an apron, an impossibly tiny dress, and carrying a tray of canapes. I'd complain about the inherent sexism of the staging here, but I see that Katya's choreographed in a bit where she takes a hefty swig out of a champagne glass, so clearly she's cast herself as a housewife who is so frustrated at being suppressed by the patriarchy that she's been driven to alcoholism. After that, Simon bursts through the door and does a few moves, all of which are rather excessively overdanced, so I think the adrenaline's got to him a little bit. There's a bit shortly after that where Simon's seemingly supposed to rip Katya's apron off, but this doesn't quite go to plan so Katya pulls it off herself. Either that, or this was all exactly how it was supposed to play out and this is a further statement of Katya's feminist treaty that she don't need no stinkin' man to help her remove the oppressive shackles that society places on women. From there, we move into the cha cha cha proper, and Simon seems pretty good, though he's not been given much to do that's especially difficult. He moves well, though, and he has some nice lines. The routine ends with Simon returning to sit at the table, and Katya sitting on his lap, no doubt symbolising women's need to rise above men in society's hierarchy. I think.

Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra, and then we go to the judges. Craig, sadly, has now removed all of the make-up - I was kind of hoping he'd do the whole thing in character as the Grinch. Then again, I was also hoping that Debra Stephenson would do the whole thing in character as Claudia Winkleman (the only impression on that show of hers that's even remotely close to the person it's supposed to resemble), and I was disappointed on that score as well. Anyway, festive judges joke? Craig is an Australian w(h)ine, Len is a trifle - bitter, fruity and soaked in sherry, Alesha is "a nice bit of icing on a cake" (Alesha looks uncertain as to whether this is a compliment or not, but perhaps that's because she's also thinking about how she's at least twice as soaked in sherry as Len is), and Bruno is nuts and crackers. Bruce also cracks the Bruno is "the man who put mince into mince pies" (LOLGAY) and Bruno finds this hilarious, presumably because he's been breathing in all those fumes emanating from Alesha ever since she sat down and is now three sheets to the wind.

Len tells Simon that his dance was crisp like fresh snow, sharp like the air on Christmas morning, and hot like a mulled wine, and "tutti frutti what a booty!" Yeesh. Bruce tells Simon "that's with you for life now!", and I think I speak for everyone watching when I say it's not just Simon who's had that image seared onto their brain forever. Alesha says it was strong, animalistic (?) and totally in control. She thinks it was a confident performance, and Simon should be proud. Bruno tells Simon that he turned up the heat, and he had so much hot toddy, he feels dizzy. Craig calls it "a powerhouse of strength", then confusing me some what by calling it "Amazonian". As in "a warrior woman"? Maybe that was directed at Katya, and this was Craig's subtle way of telling her that he sympathised with and approved of her feminist subtext.

They make their way up to the Tess Circle, and Simon says it was amazing, and says it's all down to Katya for whipping him into shape. Tess asks if his bandmates enjoyed it, and Simon says that he thinks Duncan and Antony were the loudest audience members, though his girlfriend was also getting very high-pitched. Either that, or Lee Ryan did manage to make it after all. Scores: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Our next couple are Debra and Ian. Bruce enthuses about how good Debra is on The Impressions Show, singling out Debra's impression of Claudia and adding "and her Fiona Bruce is amazing". All right, Bruce, there's no need to lower the tone. In her VT, we're reminded that Debra was in Bad Girls and Coronation Street, but first came to the nation's attention on Opportunity Knocks at the age of 14 (looking significantly older, or is that just me?). She says that The Impressions Show is the show she dreamed of doing when she was a kid (personally, I'd have aspired to doing something funnier with a more imaginative title) and that people always ask her to do her Davina McCall impression for them. Then we see some clips of her Tess Daly impression, which is...not great, and Debra says that after studying clips of Tess to impersonate her, it's going to be quite strange to be on the show. She and Ian will be doing an American smooth, and over rehearsal footage, she explains that it needs to look seamless and flawless, which is a struggle. All the spinning is making her nauseous, it seems. She says that she would like to win - for Ian, as a Christmas gift. I hate it when people do that - "oh, me, I don't care about winning at all, I'd just like to reward my professional partner who has laboured for so long and been unrewarded." It's such bollocks, and kind of offensive and patronising to boot. She says that she should be okay, "if I can keep my turkey down". Oh, don't worry, Debra, just let us all see your turkey - it's never done Ola any harm.

They're dancing to 'Baby It's Cold Outside', complete with some inaccurate lip-synching. The routine's quite nice in choreography terms, and being delivered pretty well, but I'd like them to be a bit closer together. It's a minor quibble, but having a massive gap between couples in ballroom always irks me. Still, the lifts are good, and Debra makes it the whole way through without vomiting, so she gets a thumbs-up from me.

Alesha tells Debra she looks gorgeous, with lovely lines, nice turns and good control. She thinks Debra looked absolutely at ease with the American smooth. Bruno calls it "light, sparkling, elegant, full of flavour - a treat for the eyes and delicious to savour". Craig thought she had "nasty flat thumbs" and points out the "gapping you could drive a sleigh through", but he loved the story, the lines and the lifts. Len thinks it was light and fluffy like a fairy on top of the tree, and that she warmed him up. Bruce, padding his part out as usual, tells Debra it was a fantastic impression of Cyd Charisse.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks how many hours of training went into that - and "eight" is the answer. Suddenly I'm a lot more impressed with the performance if that's all the rehearsal time they had. Debra says she's loved every minute of the experience. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 37. Debra is flabbergasted. Tess does her next link and throws to "Claudia", and Debra does her impression, which I still find remarkably accurate, though judging from Twitter at the time this went out, an awful lot of people disagree with me.

Our third couple are Barry and Erin. Barry recounts his various boxing-related achievements, including winning BBC Sports Personality Of The Year. I wonder if there were any women nominated that time? He wonders what his "boxing friends" will think of him, and answers his own question: "Probably 'what an eejit'." Given that one of the friends pictured was Joe Calzaghe, I'd suggest Barry's unlikely to turn in the worst performance ever given on this show by one of his boxing chums. He unwraps an Erin for Christmas and explains that they're doing the quickstep, which leaves him wondering if a small, square man can be elegant. Erin tells us that she won't be wearing the high heels this year, Barry will. They cackle, because short men are funny. [Not as funny as gays though. - Carrie] Barry says that he's very much looking forward to the experience, and just wants to get it right.

The routine begins with Len ringing a boxing bell (a shameless attempt to get bonus points by not only reminding Len that Barry is a SPORTSMAN but giving Len the chance to do something SPORT-RELATED), and Barry kissing Erin under the mistletoe. They're dancing to 'Jingle Bells', and for a quickstep, it's not particularly quick, but Barry's footwork seems surprisingly good. The kicks section in the middle is less impressive, and Erin's chucked in a couple of lifts, which I assume are illegal even at Christmas, but hey, it's Erin. Would you want to be the one to remind her she's not supposed to do that? I wouldn't. It all goes a bit wrong at the end, but it's a credible enough effort.

Bruno tells Barry that he had more spirit than a well-stocked drinks cabinet, and he thought it was a fantastic quickstep. Craig points out the unfortunate loss of balance near the beginning and Barry's general need for better hand-shaping, adding that the end position left a lot to be desired, but he admired the posture, the rhythm and the charleston section in the middle. Len calls it a knockout, and suggests that Barry should have danced tomorrow because it is BOXING DAY, and makes a "snow, snow, thick thick snow" gag. Alesha tells Barry it was a routine full of content, and compliments his posture and his timing.

In the Tess Circle, Tess invites Barry to punch Craig, because this is apparently what we do now, and Barry tells her it's a different kind of dancing to what he's used to, because "I normally have somebody chasing me". Tess asks if he fancies lifting the trophy, and Barry says that he's done his best, and hopes for a bit of luck. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Next are Su and Anton. Su's VT explains that she is a FLAWLESS GODDESS who has entertained the nation for decades, with Su explaining that she's "probably best known for a situation comedy called Hi-De-Hi!", adding "I've also had a singing career, which I'm very pleased about." Heh. Sadly, the clip shown is from 'Starting Together' and not THIS MASTERPIECE. From there, Su moves on to talking about her style, and how she likes to believe she was Lady Gaga's "mentor". She thinks she's lively and camp enough to work on Strictly, and aims to give us "90 seconds of fabulousness". Only 90? Su pulls a party popper and Anton appears, and Anton tells us that she epitomises the elegant sophistication of the foxtrot. Su says that it's unusual for her "to be dancing on Christmas Day and not on a table". She thinks that even if they don't lift the glitterball, she'll have lifted her spirits just by getting through it.

The band plays 'White Christmas' and Anton arrives, shaking snow off his overcoat. Su arrives in significantly more style - on a sleigh drawn by Pasha and Artem, both wearing novelty antlers and gazing at her adoringly, as well they might. Anton lifts Su out of the sleigh and removes her long white coat to reveal a green, Christmas tree-style dress. The dancing itself is rather stilted, and you can clearly see Anton guiding her through it. I'm disappointed that there wasn't more comedy in the routine, but I suppose even if there had been, it would have been Anton-brand rather than Su-brand, so perhaps that's for the best in the long run.

Anton carries Su over to Bruce, declaring her "a Christmas gift", and Bruce tells Su that before the judges get to say anything, she's his favourite. They decide to start with Craig, with Bruce wondering if that's such a good idea. Su delights a large percentage of the watching gays by lapsing into Polari and saying worriedly "look at the eek, dear." (That means "face", for all the heterosexuals reading this.) Craig says that it lacked elegance, grace, style, fluidity, and Su went off on the wrong foot. Su: "I heard you say that! 'Wrong foot!' So that put me off immediately, I couldn't get on the right foot then!" Everyone starts laughing, and Su makes a run for Craig, who leaps out of his chair and brandishes it at her to keep her at bay. In these 15 seconds, Su's already made me laugh more than Russell Grant did in an entire series. Len tells Su she came out like the Snow Queen, white and gorgeous, and then she metamorphosed into a Christmas tree, with Anton guiding her around the floor like Rudolph. He thought it was a sheer delight. Alesha says she wants to give Su an extra point just for attacking Craig - so that'll be 11, then? Alesha says that she's used to the comedy element with Su, and she thought she was elegant and lovely, "like a lovely Christmas tree". Bruno tells Su she has "such range", and admires her body contact with Anton, pointing out that she was practically glued to Anton. Su tells us that Anton has been "ever so good", drumming the mantra of "long and slow" into her. She attempts to demonstrate, but Anton mutters "it's a bit late now, love." Bruce instructs Anton to "take her up the stairs" and Su is all "OOH MATRON!" about it, making me love her even more.

In the Tess Circle, Tess informs Su that she provided "more than 90 seconds of fabulousness". Su explains that Anton has been so good, and she didn't want to let him down. Anton cuts Tess off to tell him that Su was great, and he's had such a ball training with her. Tess taps him on the arm and without missing a beat, Anton says "you want me to stop speaking? Good luck." Heh. Tess says that Su didn't let us down on the costume front, and mispronounces Lady Gaga's name in the process. Scores: Craig 6, Len 9, Alesha 7 ("Sorry Su! Can I change my mind?"), Bruno 8 for a total of 30.

Time for our last couple of the evening, Charlie and Vincent. Tess's voiceover informs us that Charlie has won "countless awards" for playing Evil Janine in EastEnders, and the lovely VT department have illustrated this by showing her clutching her Inside Soap award in 2009. I would just like to say, without bias of any kind, that the Inside Soap Awards are the best awards of them all. Charlie explains that people either love to hate Janine, or they just hate her. She's excited about doing Strictly, because it'll be nice for her nan and granddad and her little girl to see her being happy on Christmas Day, rather than trying to kill someone. I suppose depending on your personality, you could argue that those two don't necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. She pulls a cracker and out pops Vincent (presumably he was the only pro small enough to fit in one), and Vincent makes his obligatory comments about the SCREEN-MELTING CHEMISTRY that the two of them share. Charlie wins me over by openly laughing in response to this. Vincent explains their jive contains an illegal lift, and Charlie wonders if they shouldn't be playing by the rules, because she's a good girl in real life, not like that nasty Janine. Vincent retorts that rules are made to be broken, and Charlie wins the argument by reminding him he's never won. They consider that the people watching them will have eaten a lot of food, and hope to inspire them to get up and move on Christmas Day. I can't speak for anyone else, but I doubt even an apocalypse could inspire me to move before Boxing Day.

Vincent is dressed as Santa, handing out presents, before opening his sack (ooer) to reveal Charlie as a sexy Mrs Claus, and they dance to 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town'. It's easily, to my mind, the most accomplished performance of the evening - Charlie copes well with some very quick choreography and her leg placement is impressive. Like all of tonight's routines, there's a section where it gets a bit sticky and wrong-looking (in this case, the middle) but by and large the dance is energetically performed and very convincing.

Len tells Charlie that she delivered a terrific jive, and Alesha compliments her on her energy, bounce and personality. Bruno thinks she was flickering like a flame, and he thinks everybody got picked up from their sofa to celebrate with that jive. Craig gives just one word to summarise: "fab-u-lous".

Tess asks Charlie what it's like to hear the word "fabulous" on Christmas Day. Charlie: "How should I know? It's November 28th." Oh, okay, fine: Charlie just says it was brilliant and thanks everyone. Tess says that the jive had more energy "than a catfight in the Queen Vic" and Charlie is too out of breath to do much more than wheeze her agreement. Tess asks Charlie how it would feel to win the trophy, and Charlie says that she wants to win it for Vincent - "he's got to win something". For some reason, the sarky "he's never won" approach goes down with me far better than the earnest "he really deserves it" à la Debra. I have no idea why - presumably I'm just a naturally catty person. Scores: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 37.

Time for a look at the festive leaderboard: Debra and Charlie are joint top, Simon and Barry are joint middle, and Su is at the bottom. Tess reminds us that the studio audience will vote for the other half of the total score, and then we get treated to a recap of the dances that we've just seen, even though there is no phone vote. With that in mind, let's just skip over that, shall we? Jolly good.

Since we need to pad this out a bit in order to occupy a whole hour of Christmas primetime scheduling, here's Shakin' Stevens with 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. The sound during this whole performance is a bit poor - you can barely hear him. Of course, depending on your tolerance for this particular festive hit, that might be a good thing. (I actually love this song and Shakin' Stevens, so I'm a bit disappointed, personally.) [Not as good as the year he performed this on Dancing on Ice, is it? - Carrie] There is a giant, conspicuous Christmas pudding set on the stage, so all eyes are on that until it finally bursts open near the end of the song to reveal - sigh - Russell Grant in his hideous gold suit. I would have paid someone good money to ensure that the Christmas pudding was completely secured and he was unable to bust out of it, and would eventually have just been lobbed into a BBC props store somewhere and not released until November next year at the earliest. Anyway, the audience goes nuts because RUSSELL IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND HIS ADORABLE HOMOSEXUALITY, and Flavia arrives to pelt him ineffectually with faux snowballs - fauxballs, if you prefer. Make your own joke about Russell and balls if you want, but I refuse to encourage him. They do an encore of their American smooth, and oh God just FUCK OFF. I'd rather have watched Widdy again than sit through this. Hell, I'd rather have sat through the Snowdance. Or Penny Lancaster's jive. Or the Vorderumba. Or...well, you get the idea. (God bless the person who uploaded a decent-quality video of the Vorderumba to YouTube on Christmas Eve - an amazing Christmas present for us all. Now, all we need is a similarly benevolent person who's got Denise Lewis's jive somewhere in their collection...) Russell ends off-time with the music, because he may be lolz, but he's also shit.

After that, it's time to find out who's won the ugly trophy. Everyone gets a brief recap of something nice that the judges said about them - but who won the audience's vote? The Christmas champions of 2011 are...Charlie and Vincent! The firework curtain erupts and Charlie shrieks with delight as Vincent grabs her and lifts her up. That's right, he lifts her up, even though they are the same height. Tess asks Charlie how it feels to be a Christmas champion, and Charlie says that her little girl Kiki is going to be very happy. Tess congratulates Vincent on his first ever win, even though Christmas specials totally don't count. It's not like scooping the ugly trophy with BARROWMAN last year dented Kristina's steely determination in the slightest. Charlie says that she's had a great time and made a good friend in Vincent.

The victors are sent on their way, and Tess thanks everyone for taking part and watching. To see the show out, we have the stars of this year's series reunited for the very last time, even though we should not care about them because they are not lolgay like Russell is and are therefore not IMMORTAL LEGENDS OF TELEVISION. To demonstrate this, we have an extremely poor CGI shot of Russell on top of the Christmas tree, dressed as a fairy. See? Lolgay. He waves his wand (fnar) and then appears full-size in the middle of the judges, and I hope for someone to club him over the head with that comically large prop turkey that's now on the judges' desk, but no one obliges me. Anyway, all the BORING NON-LOLGAY contestants come back to do some BORING PROPER DANCING to 'Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!', and everyone's been given bits that make the most of their respective skill sets: Holly's given the opening bit that requires minimal effort, James has been allowed to throw things at Alex, Robbie has been allowed on camera, Jason has been given some hammy theatrical business, Russell has some more LOLGAY, Anita is demonstrating her love of all things flaming by standing by the fire with Robin, and Harry and Chelsee get the actual dancing right. Eventually, this segues into 'Wonderful Christmastime' (AARRRRGH) as the Christmas contenders return, and the judges shuffle along the floor to join them for some festive celebrating.

That's it for us in 2011! We will, of course, be back next year for series ten, and in the meantime, be sure to join us for Bitching On Ice in January. Thanks for reading, and have a very happy new year!

Harry ending

2011-12-18T14:01:00.003Z

Final: 17th December 2011

Show One

So, you might have noticed that it's not exactly been a banner year for The X Factor. The Strictly producers certainly have, since they decide to open this year's final with some snippets of the mass of positive press coverage their competition has had this year, with just a few of them mentioning how this show has beaten out its normally unbeatable ratings rival on several occasions. Hooray for Strictly! I'm particularly pleased they included that Radio Times cover that was devoted to how Russell Grant was the best thing ever to happen to the show, which came out two days after he got voted off. Tee hee hee. We are treated to a montage of madness from the series (my verdict: far too much Russell, not nearly enough Nancy) as Len opines that this line-up is the BEST EVER, as he does every year. It's as much a tradition as Craig withholding his ten until the last possible moment, or indeed Alesha being the first judge to award one. The Voice of Tess calls it "a golden year" (all right, let's not get carried away) and reminds us that we had ~~Musicals~~ Broadway week, Hallowe'en week, ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY week and another ~~Film~~ Movie Week. Maybe next year we should have a Strikethrough Week, judging by the way things have gone in 2011? Also, the Duchess of Cornwall popped by to give everyone a nine at some point. Jennifer Grey is conspicuous by her absence.

Now just three "gladiators" (they really are running away with that theme, aren't they?) remain: Harry, Chelsee and Jason. They've all been dolled up in Gladiator-wear for intro VT purposes, and of course Harry has chosen to violate all manner of the Coliseum's health and safety regulations by not wearing a breastplate and instead giving us all a good look at his nipples again. Chelsee and Jason are a little more covered up, for reasons of taste and decency. Funny how that works. They've been dancing for 99 days and nights, we are told, and survived 11 eliminations, vanquishing 10 rivals. Now, I don't want to start this recap on quite such a strand of negativity, but there's some dodgy maths going on here, because unless you reinstate someone, you can't have 11 eliminations but only get rid of 10 people. You could make a case for them simply having got the numbers the wrong way round (if you count Alex and Holly's eliminations as one giant elimination, since they went in the same episode, the numbers work out), but I don't think that's what they're doing, because we see a grid of 10 contestants being eliminated one by one on the screen, and one couple is missing. Guess which one. Go on, guess. That's right: Russell and Flavia. Tess concludes the sentence "...and fired The Grant into space." So we're actually counting Russell Grant's elimination as entirely separate from everyone else's, and worthy of special mention? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, GET OVER IT ALREADY. He only finished eighth, he can't have been that bloody popular. Tess reminds us that the judges have relinquished their power (we see a shot of them all dropping their ten paddles onto the desk, and I wonder how difficult it was to get Alesha to let go of hers. I can only assume they bribed her with some lovely booze) as we see some of their more negative feedback, and now it's down to our votes alone to decide who gets the glitterball this year in BLACKPOOL. This is the grand final - Strictly Come Dancing 2011 AD! Y'know, because of the whole gladiator thing. Although given the endearingly antiquated nature of this show, perhaps they just wanted to be sure we all knew what era we're in.

Titles! I can barely even remember Dan Lobb's existence. One last time: RINGER FOR KATYA NEXT YEAR PLEASE. [Katya and Pasha are doing their own tour next year. We can go, yes? - Carrie] [It's an evening of dance AND CONVERSATION. Just try to keep me away. - Steve] There's even a special BLACKPOOL remix at the very end, singling out the three finalists, which is quite a nice touch.

So, remember what whole gladiator theme in the intro? Yeah, it's bleeding into the opening pro dance. The six male pro dancers (minus Pasha, for obvious reasons) are in their best battle attire, and everyone except Anton and Vincent has got their chest out. Anton I can understand, but I feel a bit sorry for Vincent. Anyway, they mince their way through an amusingly fey swordfight to 'Living On A Prayer' before Natalie, Katya, Ola, Erin and Flavia appear, all with their midriffs out, to cavort enticingly. Then James, Anton and Robin reappear, brandishing nets at their celeb partners, because apparently this is how they paso-ed in Roman times. Katya is stuck at the back for nearly the whole routine. Poor Katya - she really got a raw deal this year, didn't she? Still, at least she got that amazing bisexual showdance with Natalie, Pasha and Brendan that will live on forever in brilliance and infamy. The whole thing comes to a climax as Artem, Brendan and Vincent reappear, drawing the three finalists behind them in chariots. Amazing. Artem has Harry and Aliona, and Harry has his nipples out (make the most of them, they'll be disappointingly covered-up for most of the evening. This is the downside of doing your finale in The North, it's far too cold to leave your hotties unclothed), while Brendan has Jason (mostly covered up, thankfully) and Kristina, and Vincent draws Chelsee and Pasha (Pasha has his nips out, but see above re: their general scarcity this evening). I have to say, that was one hell of an entrance. Camp as hell, of course, but this is still Strictly Come Dancing when all is said and done.

Now we have a Bruce, and we have a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: SO VERY CLOSE. If you only ever saw Tess shot in close-up this evening, you'd think she'd excelled herself, because as long as you only see from her thighs upwards, she's wearing a lovely silver sequinned dress that is actually a very flattering fit. Unfortunately, the second they cut to a long shot you'll see that from the thighs downwards, she's wearing some sort of hideous beige floor-length petticoat. Why? They welcome us to the show, and for the benefit of the six people actually watching in 3D, make a joke about how amazing it is to see such an iconic monument on that all-important z-axis. Not the Blackpool Tower, of course, but Bruce's chin. Bruce reminds us that the judges' scores are just for our guidance this evening, and Tess explains that the first two dances of the evening for each couple will be a reprise of the judges' favourite of all their dances from the series, and then that all-important showdance, and that the phone lines will be opening after everybody has danced once. The couple with the fewest votes will be eliminated at the start of the results show tonight at 9pm, while the other two will do two more dances. Red button viewers can, of course, join Karen in the commentary box with Strictly "guru" Jimi Mistry. I hate it when people describe actors or singers using their film or song titles, even if they are trying to make a pun-based endorsement out of them (even so, Jimi Mistry finished 10th. Michelle Williams lasted longer than he did). I mean, say Tilda Swinton were in Karen's Korner this week (unlikely, I realise, but just go with me here), would you refer to her as a Strictly thumbsucker? A Strictly adaptation? A Strictly we need to talk about Kevin? No. So just don't do it at all, eh?

Right, on we go. Harry and Aliona are going first, and judging from the outfits, they're reprising their quickstep. Rather than "here they are in training", we'll be finding out what the show has meant to Harry. He says that he's very happy to be in the final, and has been smiling all week. He found the semi-final quite stressful, but at least he got to do his Charleston first, which meant that he got the more uptempo number out of the way early on. Holly Valance is like "yeah, NO KIDDING". He felt more relaxed going into his Viennese waltz, and then found himself in the final. He was terrified of doing his first dance, and Aliona says that she wasn't sure about him at first: "he came into the training room pigeon-toed, and I thought 'oh, bless'." Hee! I'm surprised to say it, but Aliona's really grown on me this year. I mean, she's still no Natalie/Katya/Erin personality-wise, or a Natalie/Katya/Kristina choreography-wise, but she's working her way up to mid-pack, which is better than nothing, right? [Pfft. Aliona remains the worst. And poor Ola, her role in Harry's dance training utterly ignored. - Carrie] [I rewatched Harry's Children in Need paso as I was writing this up. I realise they probably didn't have much time to train for it, but on a technical level it really wasn't impressive. I'm not sure how much credit for his training Ola realistically deserves. - Steve] Aliona decided that she had to get his personality out. And by personality, she means "vagina". Harry reminds us that he is a drummer and is therefore given to hiding behind stuff, and wasn't sure if he could get out there and perform. His highlight was getting three tens for his quickstep, and he feels very lucky to have been part of the show. The McFly boys offer their opinions: Danny says that they all laughed at him to start with, and then realised he was actually quite good. Dougie likens it to having a kid and watching him play football for the first time. Ooh, MANLY SIMILE IS MANLY. Asked if he'd do it again, Harry replies: "It's genuinely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, that's why you can't do it again." Personally I'd say it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because you can't do it again, but potatoes, puhtahtoes.

Their quickstep is, of course, to 'Don't Get Me Wrong'. I absolutely love the choreography for this, and think it's a sign of Aliona FINALLY getting the hang of this show, but I don't think he's dancing it quite as well as he did first time out. His balance seems a little off near the beginning, and there's a skipping section partway through which just feels a bit rough around the edges. Nothing ruinous, but enough that if I were scoring it, it would be a nine rather than a ten. That's not to detract from all the achievements of this dance, mind, because I will forever be in awe of the energy and technique that Harry's shown both times he's performed it. And (spoiler) we'll see over the course of the evening that all three reprised dances aren't quite as good the second time round, so it's by no means a fault unique to Harry.

Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful wonderful orchestra. Wow - comma in the right place and everything! I mean, if I were being really pernickety I'd want another comma between the two wonderfuls, but I probably shouldn't push my luck. Bruce jokes that he's promised to buy all the judges a drink after the show. I'd rather hoped he'd buy Alesha one beforehand. DRUNK ALESHA FOR HEAD JUDGE. Len opens the comments with "throughout history, there have been epic battles", and I don't know about you, but whenever someone opens a sentence with "throughout history", my heart sinks. Anyway, Harry's ballroom battle is akin to a Trafalgar or a Waterloo, because they all involved his guns blazing, or something. Mmm. Harry's guns. Sorry, where was I? Alesha congratulates Harry on making the final, and says that his quickstep is one of her favourites from the series, adding that he maximised the floor space here in BLACKPOOL and gave the competition a very strong start. Bruno tells Harry that he conquered BLACKPOOL with a quickstep of timeless elegance. But what did Craig make of it? He reminds us that he didn't like Harry's lazy left foot last time, but he seems to have improved that, so Craig absolutely loved it.

Over in the Tess Circle JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS ANITA DOBSON WEARING. That is far too much pink for any one person to be wearing at one time. She looks like a Snowth. Tess tells Harry he laid down the gauntlet and asked if it felt good, and Harry says that everyone's been telling him to enjoy himself all day because it's his last chance, and he really did enjoy himself, so thank you to everyone who said that. Such lovely manners. Tess asks him to describe the atmosphere here in BLACKPOOL, and Harry encourages us to take the best night of the series and multiply it by ten. Speaking of which, here are the scores: tens all round for a total of 40.

Harry and Aliona scarper off to get changed for their showdance, and it's time for Jason and Kristina to reprise their tango. What does Strictly mean to Jason? Something stultifyingly earnest, no doubt. Jason feels that a little bit of magic happened for him in the semi-final, and he wasn't expecting to get full marks for his Argentine tango. Well, at least that puts him on the same page as the audience. He'd describe the show as the most incredible ride of your life - he started amazingly, and was pleased that his kids weren't embarrassed for him to drop them off at the school gates (judging from the little we saw of his kids on It Takes Two this week, I think that might have been the first time) - but everything came tumbling down for him during the paso doble. Still, Jason spins this as the highs meaning more when you've had the terrible lows and the creamy middles. The music editors line up Green Day's 'Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)', and since they've done such stellar work all series, I can only assume they know the proper title of that song and are using it on purpose. Jason says something weird about how usually when nice things happen in his life he's been single, but this time he had his family around him. Bokay then. His kids reappear, and are very proud of him. "He didn't really dance before he was in the show," says Daughter Donovan. He was in the West End doing Priscilla, pet, he must have at least been doing a bit. Kristina says that Jason is the hardest-working person she's ever known. Oh my God - more so than John Sergeant? More so than Goldie? Say it ain't so! She gets all verklempt and says that win or lose, this has been a wonderful experience. Jason drones that he's exceeded his own expectations and will always be proud of that.

They repeat their tango to 'I Will Survive', complete with giant pink feather fans. I fear for the people watching in 3D, as Jason's variety of tango faces are terrifying enough on regular television. It's an utter campfest, as you'd expect (controversial opinion: I think Jason's done a much better job at delivering a camp routine than Russell ever did, but then that's perhaps because Jason had other wells to draw from and was able to use that card sparingly) and Bruno is up on his feet and loving it. His posture in the sections in hold is not great, though. Of the three repeat performances in the first half of the final, I think this was the one that came closest to recapturing its original glory, though even this one didn't quite make it.

Alesha shushes Bruno and tells him to behave. Heh. She tells Jason that he really excelled in this dance, and Kristina's clever choreography showcased Jason's personality. She likes the rarity of seeing a joyful, upbeat tango. Bruno thinks Jason's excelled, and calls it a tango with spilt personalities, arguing that half the time Jason was like Hugh Jackman in Wolverine and the other half, he was like a disco diva. Still, he loved it. Bruce asks Bruno if he wants one of his pills. Oh Bruce. I think Bruno always wants one of his pills. Craig thinks Jason's bottom was sticking out a lot, and the chasses were a bit skippy, but it was a fantastic number and he loved it. He thinks Jason's made it this far through determination and "good old-fashioned hard work". Len tells Jason that he's survived "14 weeks" of blood, sweat and tears. Except the competition's only been going for 12 weeks - 11 if you don't count the one we're currently in the middle of. Maybe Len's counting from the launch show, or using a special Len calendar. Who knows? He says that Jason's giving the other two a run for his money despite being old and withered, or something like that.

Back in the Tess Circle, Tess congratulates him on making it this far, and Jason thanks everyone who's allowed him to do so. He says that sharing it with Kristina has made it all very special, and seeing his kids watching was even better. Tess cuts him off before he can talk too much about the importance of impressing his kids. Heh. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10 (still doing that awful "from Len, a 10" business), Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 38. There are boos for the nines, and yet on Twitter there were complaints about all the tens. Which basically demonstrates that you can't please everyone. I know, it's a shocker, isn't it?

Next we have Chelsee and Pasha reprising their jive, and...oh dear. I mean, I know they weren't going to have time to give Pasha the full Shrek make-up job tonight (or to be more accurate, they weren't going to have time to remove it), but this strange no-man's-land they've gone for instead is somehow even worse. Basically he's got two Shrek ears stuck to the side of his head, and then they let a small child scrawl around the outside of his face with a yellow highlighter pen. Poor Pasha. I can only assume they do these things to him lest his hotness prove too maddening for the people at home and we all break out in some sort of sex riot. Joke about how Chelsee is NORTHERN and COMMON, and then we get her journey VT. The one thing that strikes me right away is that she's had the best hair journey of anyone on the whole show: going from that unpleasant blonde job she was sporting at the launch and in the early weeks to the sleek dark hair she's sporting now: undeniable upgrade. Her semi-final was nerve-wracking, but she got a perfect score for her paso, and she never expected to make the final. She admits that a lot of people didn't know who she was when the series started - and indeed many of them still don't - adding that people expected her to struggle with the waltz because it is elegant and she is not, but she's pleased to have found her elegant side. Her quickstep was a highlight - getting four nines and being at the top of the leaderboard. She talks about how Pasha is lovely and genuine, and Pasha talks about how Chelsee is brilliant without knowing it. Chelsee: "I love my Pash-Pash." And if that didn't make you go "awww", then you have a HEART OF STONE, my friend. A heart of stone. She feels like she's grown up a lot throughout the competition - if not in size, then she's grown within. Pasha hopes she's learned to believe in herself. Chelsee says that winning would mean a lot to her because she'd make her family so proud, and Chelsee's mum says that she's done amazing(ly) and it's a dream come true. She mentions Chelsee's dad, who is dead, but does it in a matter-of-fact way that doesn't seem gratuitous, so I hope The X Factor is taking notes. Chelsee promises to treasure the experience forever.

They're repeating their jive to 'I'm A Believer', and somehow it's even more energetic than it was the first time, and every bit as endearing. Sadly, the curse of the repeat dance strikes Chelsee too, and her footwork is a little bit messy at times and some of her kicks aren't so well-defined. It's just such an enjoyable routine, though. I'm welling up a little bit just watching it now. Should I admit that? Oh well, too late now. Also, well done to Chelsee and Pasha for improving on the original in one aspect: last time out they didn't quite get the end-of-dance frog-kissing set piece right and Pasha ended up kissing its forehead rather than its lips, but this time they get it absolutely bang-on. They drop the frog as they hug each other excitedly, and before they head over to Bruce, Pasha picks the frog back up and puts it back on the tree stump with a little "stay!" gesture that is both adorable and hilarious. Seriously: what did we do before we had a Pasha?

Bruno tells Chelsee that was a "premium-grade jive of eye-popping vibrancy". Craig calls it "a complete and utter bundle of joy to watch". Len says that seeing someone like Chelsee come from having no dance experience to delivering a jive as good as that gives him as much pleasure as judging the world championships, which is actually very sweet as long as you don't dwell on the inherent fame-dropping in there. Alesha says that Chelsee is adorable, and that's her favourite jive of the series.

Tess tells Chelsee that she has a one-in-three chance of winning the show [that's NOT HOW COMPETITIONS WORK, Daly - Carrie], and asks her if she finally believes she can dance. Chelsee does, hooray! Bet Claudia's gutted she missed that after all her weeks of priming. Chelsee thanks Pasha and says she wouldn't be able to dance without him. She says that this is the best night of her life, and she feels she's danced her way through the nerves. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Tess reminds us that the scores are just for guidance while Pasha gives us the eye - down the wrong camera. Bless.

Halfway leaderboard: Harry at the top, Chelsee second, and Jason at the bottom, though there's only one point between each set of couples, and the judges' scores count for nothing tonight anyway. Tess declares the lines open from now until 8:30pm, and reminds us of all the numbers.

We need a little bit of filler here, so Tess chats to some of the 2011 alumni: Audley, Bloody Lulu, Anita and Russell. As always, Russell takes the invitation to speak and runs for miles with it, yet saying almost nothing of any interest or substance the whole time. Anita thinks it's going to be so close tonight, and expresses her love for all the finalists. Tess asks Audley how they're going to cope with doing four dances tonight - like he's going to know - and he does a bit of X Factor-style maths for us before advising them all to keep their composure, saying that they all looked great in their first dances, so he's sure they'll do fine. Bloody Lulu is asked about the upcoming group dance, and she tells us to ignore that and focus on the actual finalists. Surprisingly sound advice from Bloody Lulu there.

Everybody finished with their costume changes? Jolly good, on with the showdances then. Harry and Aliona are going first again, so let's have a look at their training. Actual training, mind, not a comedy VT. Harry explains that it's a chance to let go and do some crazy lifts because there are no rules. They've got a 50s rock 'n' roll song, and they're planning to be "quite rebellious". Only quite, mind - so middle class, bless him. Aliona kicks Harry in the face a few more times, and Harry vows to nail it just in case it's the last dance they do on the show.

They're dancing to 'Great Balls Of Fire', and Harry removes a leather jacket to reveal a red shirt open to the waist. Hannah and I believe Aliona's outfit has changed entirely from the one we were shown on It Takes Two, from a dress to a sort of bra-top and some unflattering leggings, in a seeming tribute to BixMix. I'm assuming, given the amount of lifting involved, the original dress was deemed to be impractical and/or indecent. Let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time. Anyway, let's move on from matters sartorial and discuss the dance itself. It's fine, but not that great - as is often the case with male celebrities who are in good physical shape, it's a lot of lifts and not an awful lot else. There's a bit of cha cha cha, a bit of jive, but by and large it's mainly lifting. Some of the lifts are genuinely very good, some of them less so. Halfway through Aliona removes Harry's shirt sleeves to get his guns out, and it ends with Harry doing some actual drumming on an actual drum kit. A nice idea, but (a) not dancing and (b) not especially well thought-out, because the drum kit is up with the band and they did most of the dancing at the other end of the stage, so Harry and Aliona have to run across the floor just to finish the dance, and as we all know, running is not dancing.

Len says that if Harry were a stick of Blackpool rock, he'd have "talent" written all the way through him. He thought that one of the lifts near the end was a bit sticky, but other than that it was all very impressive. Alesha loved the concept, she thought the jiving was fabulous and the lifts verging on dangerous - and she liked seeing him back behind the drums, having expressed concern the other week that he's spent too long behind them. Women, eh? *Waits for Carrie to punch me in my stupid sexist face.* [I think Alesha's drunk again. - Carrie] Bruno was impressed by the strength and physicality, and loved the mix of jive and rock 'n' roll, though there was a tiny incident in one of the lifts. Still, Bruno has apologised to Harry for that, and explained that he was just drunk and that it will never happen again. *Rimshot.* Craig agrees with Len that Harry is absurdly talented, and though he thought the transitions could've been smoother, overall he thought it was fantastic.

In the Tess Circle, Harry says that he loved it. Tess asks if he ever anticipated doing a spot of drumming as part of the show, and Harry says that he thought at some point he'd probably have to give it a quick go. Tess suggests it could be a new direction for McFly. At this point Harry notices Aliona's lipstick mark on his cheek that's been there since midway through the routine and gets a bit embarrassed. Heh. Scores: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 37. In case that was his last dance, Harry wants to thank Aliona because "without her, I'm nothing - I'm just a hopeless drummer." Poor Ola. As Tess gives out the voting details, Aliona thanks him and Harry mumbles "seriously." Aww.

Jason and Kristina, anyone? Jason explains in their intro VT that their routine will be all about showbiz. Their rehearsal footage is blighted with the dread hand of comedy once more, as Jason smashes through a door with "THE RULES" graffito-painted on it, and Jason smashes a glitterball while Kristina protests. I love that in Aliona, Kristina and Pasha, we have the three pros in the final who are the worst actors as far as these things go. Maybe that's why the business is being kept to a bare minimum. Jason vows that this is his last opportunity to pull it out of the bag.

They're dancing to 'Dancin' Fool' from Copacabana, and Kristina is wearing a suit, though this is no dummy dance, thankfully. They do a bit of Broadway-style hoofing with canes, during which they're appallingly out of synch, then there are some lifts, and then Kristina removes her suit to reveal a hot pink gown. I think that was the best mid-dance costume change of the series, not that there's much competition. I guess this is why we leave the quick changes to the pros. Jason, of course, just takes off his jacket. From there they burst into a spot of quickstep and some more lifts, before more clothes come off as Kristina goes down to a boob tube and miniskirt and Jason..removes his tie. Heh. There are a couple of mis-steps but only very minor ones, and for entertainment and energy, I think Jason's steaming ahead of Harry in the showdance stakes.

Alesha tells Jason that if this were a marathon he would've won already - she loved the cane, the suits, the lifts and the quicksteps, and declares that a show dance. Not a showdance, but a show dance. Bruno goes one further and calls it more than a showdance: "it was a showbiz spectacular!" He tells them they should open on Broadway tomorrow (still no love for the West End?) and break box office records. Craig calls it ferocious and full-on and makes the usual joke about Kristina needing to be restrained. Len tells Jason that he's a showman and this is a showdance, so that's the perfect combination.

They skip back to the Tess Circle, where Jason says that it's great to be able to use all the elements of your personality, and he thinks Kristina got the choreography just right. Tess asks what it would mean to his kids if he comes home with the glitterball trophy, and Jason dad-jokes that they'll be in bed by then. Scores: 10s all round for a total of 40. Kristina's increasingly scrunchy face of joy as each consecutive top score comes out is a thing of brilliance.

Finally, we have Chelsee and her Pash-Pash. Their VT is about how "there isn't no rules" (per Chelsee) and how they're getting off on being naughty. Chelsee admits to being scared about all the tricks they'll have to do, and she gets a bit weepy in rehearsal, so Pasha tries to buck her up. Chelsee says that this could be the last dance she ever does, which sounds inadvertently morbid, so she's going to give it her all and have fun.

They're dancing to the disco version of 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls, and Chelsee does a sexy shimmy up some steps to the top of a small podium, only to lose her balance a little bit when she gets to the top. Not the best of starts, really. Then Pasha arrives, disappointing me by wearing a white suit (seriously, I'm sure I've said this before, but NEVER trust a man in a white suit) and Chelsee climbs onto him, wraps her ankles around his neck, and he twirls without holding on to her. That is a brain injury just waiting to happen. As much as it pains me to say it, most of the lifts in this showdance are a bit sloppy, though the overall disco aspect of it is fine. In general, though, I'd say Jason's was my favourite of the three showdances. I would say that this would be the fourth year running that my least favourite finalist has done the showdance I liked best, but I'm not actually sure I can make a case for liking Pamela Stephenson less than Matt Baker. (Also, I would just like to stress that I loathed Tom Chambers' showdance, but up against Rachel Stevens' hugely disappointing best-of medley and of course the Irrepressible Snowdance, it was obviously the best of a very weak field.)

Bruno likens Chelsee to Sasha Fierce, and says it was hot and beautiful, but there were a few moments where she nearly lost it - though she covered it up well. Craig loved all the lifts, particularly the lobster claw one that you normally see ON ICE, and says that the whole competition is so close that it's impossible to call. Len liked the elements of hustle in there, and what saddens him is that one of these couples will be gone in just over an hour, but he thinks everyone has given their all. Alesha loved that Chelsee was set free, and she thinks that Chelsee dances with her heart and people can feel that.

Back in the Tess Circle, Tess calls Chelsee "baby Beyoncé, for one night only". Chelsee says that she loved the lifts. Pasha adds that he did too, and Chelsee is all "I know YOU did". Hee. Tess points out to Pasha that Chelsee made it look easy, and Pasha duhs "that's the whole point" right back at her. HA! Tess asks Chelsee if her mum and nan would be proud if she brought home the trophy, and Chelsee very sensibly says they're proud of her anyway for getting this far in the first place. Scores: nines all round for a total of 36.

Leaderboard: Jason and Kristina are at the top, with Harry and Aliona second, and Chelsee and Pasha at the bottom. Of course, being in the top spot after two dances in the final is not always the safest place to be: just ask Pamela Stephenson. Or Ricky Whittle. Or Lisa Snowdon. Or Zoe Ball.

Those are all of our dances for the first half, so let's recap: Harry's no-longer-lazily-left-footed quickstep and his cartwheeling showdance, guest-starring Harry's Nipples; Jason's super-camp tango and his super-camp showdance (bless); and Chelsee's 45%-less-Shrek jive and disco-liftin' showdance.

Oh sweet montage, come and take us to the halfway mark: Chelsee says that winning would mean the world to her, and knowing that she's got some of the British public behind her ("some", bless her) is such an overwhelming feeling - she never thought this many people would support her, and she's very grateful. Harry has learned not to be so conscious of what people think, and just to embrace things (yes, I endorse this idea, especially if those things include me) and take up a challenge. He feels blessed to have been a part of this. Jason never believed he could make the finals, and thanks his family for their support - "when I'm up, they're up with me, when I'm down, they're supporting me."

So that's it, for now at least. Bruce and Tess remind us of the logistic details of voting, and tell us to get to it. But who will be kicked out at 9pm? Join me...right below, as it happens.

Show Two

So, my boyfriend and I having spent the previous hour or so frantically voting for both Harry and Chelsee between us and running up a phone bill about the size of the Christmas Radio Times, and now it's time to return to the ballroom. Harry and Aliona, Jason and Kristina and Chelsee and Pasha are all lined up in their outfits for their scheduled third dances - but of course one couple will never get to perform it. The voice of Tess declares that we're just one hour away from declaring the champion - this is the final!

New, abridged titles, just featuring the three finalists this time. And of course dear old BLACKPOOL as a backdrop.

Daly Dresswatch: Tess has changed into another frock that looks fine up close but not from a distance. She must have a whole wardrobe full of them. It's a black lace number over a flesh-coloured underlay, which is fine until you look at the lower half and realise it's a mullet-dress. Bruce welcomes us back, and Tess reminds us that the phone lines are frozen. They tease the filler that's been lined up to pad out time before the winner is crowned, including the return of all the eliminated couples in a special exhibition number, and an unwelcome performance from the bothersome Jessie J, who apparently wasn't content with being the less-good half of a duet in ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY week but has returned to appall us all again, presumably so we're all warned before she takes on that judging role on The Voice UK.

Before all that, though, we have a recap of the earlier show. A lot of people run around backstage squealing about being nervous. Harry got excited about his first 40 for his quickstep, Jason was very pleased with his tango, and Chelsee is nervous but excited about the showdance. Speaking of which, Harry's was a bit dull and lifty, but got broadly favourable reviews, and he reminded us that it's now up to the public whether he gets to stay on in the competition. Jason and Kristina brought out a fun and mad routine, and Jason grins that he's aged a lot in the last three hours, but it's been perhaps the most special night of his life. Chelsee feels like she's given it her all, Kristina says that if this is her last dance, she'll feel very proud, and Harry says that he's got two more dances left in him, so he just hopes he'll get the chance to do them.

From there, we're back to the ballroom to discover the couple finishing in third place is...Jason and Kristina. They smile and hug, and I suspect they were anticipating this, even if they were hoping it wouldn't happen this way. They work their way through the other two couples for the obligatory hugs, congratulations and consolations, before joining Bruce and Tess at the side of the room. Bruce tells them he's been dreading this moment all day because he knew he'd feel the same whichever couple it was. He thinks they're all winners tonight. Except two of them. Jason says that this has been the most incredible experience in his life, apart from his wife and kids, and he'd like to thank the public who voted for him, and his family, and last but not least, he'd like to thank Kristina for her patience, her focus, her talent and her vision. Kristina's a bit choked up, and while I wasn't the biggest Jason fan, it was great to see what Kristina could do when she was given a capable partner for a change.

We see his Strictly journey, from facing his fears to blossoming in the early rounds, the obligatory "I expected to go out in week one", Jason feels like a different human being, and loves having people giving him shivers by telling him he was good. The judges give them a standing ovation as Jason and Kristina head back to the Tess Circle to join the rest of the eliminated couples. It's now down to Harry and Aliona vs Chelsee and Pasha. Tess assures us that all of our existing votes have been carried over, but the lines are now open once more and it's time to vote vote vote. (At this point, I declared myself happy with either one as a winner and refused to vote any more, because I would've just felt too guilty to pick one over the other. I'm such a sap.) As Tess reads out the voting numbers, Chelsee mutters something to Pasha which looks a lot like "I'm shitting myself" (disclaimer: I have no training in lip-reading; for all I know, it could equally have been "I fancy some chips").

Bruce stumbles over the announcement that both couples have two more dances to do - a dance that they have never done before, and their favourite dance of the whole series. Harry and Aliona will be first, once again, and they're doing an American smooth. Harry admits he's going to miss training, and Aliona smooshes him, saying "who wouldn't miss a face like that?" Harry says that they know each other very well now, having spent every day together for the past four months, and Aliona says that when it's all over she'll have no one to giggle at. Harry lists his highlights of his time on the show, which - worryingly - all seem to involve the comedy VTs, whether it's playing Danny Zuko to Aliona's Pink Lady (fnar), being Robin Hood in lurid green tights, and being an uptight 1920s gentleman learning how to woo a lady. If it should work out that they win the whole thing, it'd be the perfect ending for them, he reckons. Aliona says that he's a sweet, caring guy and she's going to miss him. We see them thanking their training room as they leave for the last time to head to BLACKPOOL. I think they definitely need some time apart after that.

Their American smooth is to 'Can't Help Falling In Love', and very sensibly, they've decided to base it on the Viennese waltz. I genuinely adore one of the lifts into it - where Aliona just gently leaps at Harry and he catches her on his forearm, before they join hands and he twirls her around. It's very simple (aesthetically, I mean, I'm sure it's very difficult to actually perform) but very effective. There's a little stuttery bit in the middle where he seems to lose the rhythm very slightly, but apart from that, it's gorgeous - danced incredibly close together, very passionate, very tender. The last lift, where Aliona inverts herself over his shoulder and then rest on his back in a sort of cross position while Harry supports her arms, is a little inelegant-looking, I suppose.

The crowd goes wild, and we go to the judges: Len says that he loved Harry's Viennese waltz before, and with the added elements now where they can do lifts and part company, they've turned a great dance into an unbelievable one. Alesha thinks Harry is an accomplished dancer and a true talent. Bruno tells Harry that this is the perfect fit for his charms, and calls him "Your highness" again. He does know he's not actually Prince Harry, right? Craig: "Well, if it wasn't the final, darling, there's a plethora of things I could say about your hands, but I loved it." Bizarrely, Bruce berates Harry for not doing that dance earlier, and sends him off to the Tess Circle, where Tess tells Harry that there's many a lady at home who can't help falling in love with him. Yes, Tess, it's just the ladies. Heteronormativist. (Ugh, that cover is ruined for me by the mention of Mario from The Only Way Is Essex. Why do people find him attractive? I don't care how good you think he looks with his shirt off, he is such a misogynist prick. I mean, I'm not a fan of Lucy but every time they were on screen together I just kept screaming at her to RUN AWAY FROM THE BAD BAD MAN.) Tess asks Harry what he'd like to say to the people at home who voted for him, and Harry talks a lot about how humbling it all is. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 (with the last three all competing to see who can sound the most like a revving engine. I think Alesha wins) for a total of 39. Also: well done Aliona for finally learning what an American smooth is meant to look like.

Now we have a rumba from Chelsee and Pasha. In her VT, Chelsee admits that she's going to miss the buzz of show days and the whole backstage atmosphere. She's also going to miss training with Pasha, because it's been like hanging out with a mate (those ever-witty editors choose to play this remark over a shot of Chelsee running after Pasha and attempting to squeeze his bum, thereby making us all wonder if this is what Chelsee normally does when she's hanging out with her mates). Pasha says that she's like a little sister to him now. Sorry, Chelsee/Pasha shippers, looks like it's not happening. You'll just have to make do with Kara and Artem. Chelsee says that her highlight was getting painted up as Princess Fiona for her Shrek-themed jive: "I think a lot of people didn't even think I had make-up on, either." Heh. Chelsee says that she's sad to think that the rumba will be the last new dance she learns with Pasha, and it's very upsetting to think about not seeing "my Pasha" every day. Pasha says that Chelsee is one of a kind, and it was so much fun working with her.

Their rumba is to 'Because Of You' by Kelly Clarkson, which is an A+ song choice, first and foremost. Things start well enough: there's some lovely shaping, some good rumba walks, and they're both selling the hell out of the emotional aspect of the dance. They've implemented some running splits, almost as if to make up for the ones that didn't quite go to plan during her American smooth last week, though unfortunately this is where things start to go wrong a little bit for me. The next section is very quick, and Chelsee seems to have been caught off-balance so she's rather unsteady, and then there's a back-and-forth bit where she seems slightly hesitant. Also, much as I hate to hate on the wardrobe department yet again, whoever decided it was a good idea to attach one end of a strip of fabric to the top of her dress and the other end to her arm is a fool, because it keeps ending up getting draped over her face and stopping her from being able to see, which can't help matters. I think the sudden rush of tempo near the end of the song throws her as well, because Pasha's choreographed a lot of very quick movements in there as well, and she struggles a bit to place her movements properly. I know there was a lot of love for this rumba on Twitter at the time and a lot of people saying it deserved top marks, but I'm afraid I couldn't quite get on board with it. I think the nerves just got to her a little bit on this one. It's still a great rumba, maybe even the best rumba of the series, just not a perfect one from my perspective.

Afterwards, Bruce is bawling "but why did you leave him?" Because it's a rumba, Bruce. About 80% of the rumbas on this show end like that. Chelsee jokes that she'd had enough. Alesha tells Chelsee that she puts her heart and soul into every dance, and that she's been a joy to watch throughout the series. Bruno tells her she "nailed that rumba" and acted it like a movie star. Craig thought it was "absolutely magnificent". Len says that the rumba "is like Len's Lens - because it's so slow, everything is magnified." Yes, Len, I'm sure that's exactly what the inventors of the rumba were thinking when they created it. However, even Len's Rumba Lens didn't reveal anything he didn't like. Chelsee is very glad she got to perform this dance.

They run back to the Tess Circle where Tess tells Chelsee that she pulled it out of the bag and made it to the final two. Chelsee says she can't express her gratitude to the people who voted for her, and that knowing people like her means a lot to her. I really hope this has actually given Chelsee a bit of a self-esteem boost, because it worries me when she says things like that. Learn to love yourself, Chelsee! It's the greatest love of all! Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39.

Chelsee and Pasha depart to get changed for their last dance, and then to fill a bit more time, we have a VT to remind us all of how the series panned out. We started with Eggwina groping Vincent and getting eliminated for her trouble. Then Dan Lobb chucked Katya around "like a bag of cement", according to Bruno, and naturally the viewing public did not take kindly to this display of disrespect to the almighty Katya, and voted to send him packing. After four weeks, the Latin curse came for Rory and eliminated him after his cha cha cha - but at least Erin wasn't wearing anything too embarrassing this time. Regrettably, Nancy Dell'Olio was given her marching orders at Hallowe'en despite her clearly brilliant zombie rumba. We had to put up with Bloody Lulu for six whole weeks before the public finally saw sense and dispatched her after an uninspiring tango. Having clung on through even more appearances in the bottom two than Nancy, Audley went next after a particularly static cha cha cha. After eight weeks of aggressive humility and more ham than Pamela Stephenson during a particularly frenzied game of Pass The Pigs, the voting public took pity on me and sent Russell Grant home after he and Flavia decided that being fired out of a cannon was more important than dancing. Anita Dobson managed a creditably long stay in the competition despite being a little bit shaky, but the Plucky Older Lady vote could only carry her so far, and she was eliminated in week nine while poor Robin was at home nursing an infected foot, leaving Brendan with the dubious honour of being the first pro to suffer two eliminations in the same series. Robbie Savage, meanwhile, lingered like a particularly eggy fart and spent the entire time whining that Craig was being SO MEAN to him, but after ten weeks even his supporters had had enough. Alex gradually evolved into a dancer, hopefully not as a result of James's attempts to torture her into brilliance, and Holly's I'm-too-wealthy-to-give-a-shit indifference proved surprisingly endearing, but lamentably they couldn't quite hang on for the final and were both eliminated in joint-fourth place.

Now, you might think this would all segue into the Triumphant Return Exhibition Dance, Possibly Featuring Paloma Faith, but you'd be wrong. Instead, they're all still in the Tess Circle. Tess asks Alex if she's feeling withdrawal symptoms, and Alex says that it feels like someone chopped her right leg off. Fortunately, James did that for real in week three of training, so she's used to the sensation by now. Tess asks Robbie if the welcome is different when you're dancing in BLACKPOOL rather than playing football, and he says that he thinks whenever he's played football here he's lost, but he feels that tonight they're all winners. Rory feels lucky to even be here, because the standard of dance has been so high, and he's very excited to be dancing in 3D. Nancy says that she has "a few signature moves", and suggests we might see them again.

Bruce, sounding like a man reading an autocue at gunpoint, says that this has been an incredible year for our next guest star: J-J-J-Jessie J. She's here singing 'Price Tag' and dressed as Rita Repulsa, sadly without Moon Head or Coconut Man. I assume that since it's not about the money, money, money, she will of course have waived her appearance fee. Actually, I hope she waived her appearance fee either the way, because this is unpleasant. How unfortunate that this woman is judging The Voice UK. I feel it's an interesting comment that last year, Paloma Faith seemed happy enough to combine her performance with the lap of honour dance from the eliminated couples, whereas Jessie J has brought her own dancers. Actually, I hope everyone just collectively refused to dance next to the Mystic Meg of Pop because she's so fucking annoying. Anyway, Jessie J continues to make sounds that no one would ever want to hear, and it goes on far too long, but eventually it ends. Hooray!

Once the abomination is vanquished, it's time for the final competitive dances of the series, as Harry and Chelsee each pick their favourite dance to repeat. Harry and Aliona (or Elna, as Bruce calls her) are up first, and they've chosen their Argentine tango. I loved this first time around and, in a pleasing break from this evening's tradition, it's every bit as good second time around. Honestly, if Len tries to claim that it lacks "intensity" this time, I'm going to use this evening's magical 3D broadcast powers to reach into the telly and clock him.

Bruno calls Harry sharp and cutting, like a steel blade, and he loved the repressed lust bubbling underneath. IT'S NOT FOR YOU, BRUNO, CALM DOWN. Craig says that, like the nation, he has fallen for Harry too. Len reminds us that last time he was a crotchety bastard, and despite nothing being different this time, he likes this routine now. At least he's learned his lesson from giving Kara's American smooth a 7 in last year's final. A 7! I still can't think about it without getting angry. Alesha loves it even more than last time, and thinks it was a perfect choice for the final.

To the Tess Circle they go, and Harry says that he feels much more relaxed, having already done three dances, and he just wanted to enjoy it because it was his last dance on the show. Tess reminds him that it's his last dance with Aliona, so he gives her a hug, and then Tess little-girls that Craig's in love with him. Scores: 10s all round for a perfect 40.

For their final dance of the series, Chelsee and Pasha have also made an excellent choice and decided to resurrect their quickstep. I think this was the moment where people really started to see Chelsee as a contender, so yep, no complaints here. It's another great reprisal too: full of energy, technically brilliant, and just wonderful to watch. I think it was at this point I just started wailing "can't they both win?" Honestly, I've never been so torn between the final two ever before.

Craig simply repeats his comment from last time: "first-class, darling". Len thinks it could be his favourite dance as well. Alesha tells Chelsee it was a great dress, a great song, and a great dance. Bruno calls it "a great finale for the greatest season." Series, Bruno, not season. You're not in America now.

Back in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Chelsee if this is still her favourite dance. Yes, says Chelsee, but she also loves the rumba and just about everything ever, so it was quite a tough call. Tess reminds Chelsee that this is her final dance with Pasha, and Chelsee's getting a bit emotional as she thanks Pasha for helping her to become a dancer. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Aw, I was really hoping for a 40 there, but sadly it was not to be.

Final leaderboard: Harry at the top, and Chelsee below, with just three points separating them overall. A few dances may have missed the mark here and there, but overall, it's been a damn good final, hasn't it? A video recap of all the performances of the night (minus Jason's), and you'll forgive me if I just skip over this at this point, won't you? Thanks folks.

Bit of filler, anyone? Here's what we all loved about the series, apparently. Lorraine Kelly talks about how it's the only programme she knows that entertains four generations of women. Some women talk about how they like Jason Donovan. Another lady talks about Russell and "Flabbia", possibly sending poor Flavia straight to the gym. A butcher laughs at Bloody Lulu's lack of poker face in the launch show. People talk in terms of various grossness about how much they fancy the contestants. "I think the older ladies have done us proud this year," says someone who clearly hasn't watched a single second. Holly's Black Swan American smooth gets some good reviews, as does Brendan's performance as Rent-A-Pro. People pretend that both Robbie Savage and ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY were good things, and of course there's a lot of focus on bloody Russell Grant. Several people object to Jason having been in the bottom two that time. There's a lot of love for Chelsee's jive, and various people lament the length of time they will have to wait for series ten.

When we return, Tess tells us that the lines have closed, so we mustn't call now unless we particularly want to be charged for no real reason - and if that's the case, then there are plenty of estate agents out there more than willing to perform that honour. Thank you, I'll be here all week! (No, seriously, at this rate I actually might be here all week.) While the final counts are being tallied, it's finally time to welcome back all of this year's also-rans.

They're all dancing to 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody'. We open with Ola, Erin, Katya, Anita and Bloody Lulu on the steps, looking bored - although to be fair, Erin's looked like that all series. Robbie does a knee-slide and a pelvic thrust, which is a whole world of DO NOT WANT, and Dan Lobb follows him with a...handspring? Something like that, anyway. Rory enters and has to do Latin hips again, poor man, before Brendan and Robin run in to pick up their ladies, and swing them about a bit. I might have been cheering for Robin to "accidentally" use the twirling Anita to kick Bloody Lulu in the head. Might. Edwina and Vincent reprise a bit of their cha cha cha, and it's still fairly inept. Anton summons Nancy out of a glittery coffin and she hops into his arms, and they do their trademark backdrop-lift-thing. Then all the couples form a line and do some cha cha cha steps, with Russell Fucking Grant at the front, naturally. The camera runs along the line until we get to the foot of the steps, where Holly and Artem and Alex and James get their own special "we only left last week" showcase spot. Then Dan and Vincent swing Bloody Lulu back and forth in their arms, Anton and Audley swing Anita, and Robbie and Rory swing Russell HA HA LOLZ RUSSELL IS A GAY AND THAT IS LIKE BEING A WOMAN. From there, it all degenerates into a bit of a free for all, and then everyone circles around the room while Anton, Robin and Artem hold Russell up in the air again. As much as I've enjoyed the final, at this point I am counting down the seconds to the end of the series just so that they can stop reminding me how innately hilarious Russell is and how everybody loves him. Especially since when they all start doing the same choreography again, he's a good two beats behind every one else. Seriously, I swear to God, EVEN NANCY DELL'OLIO IS GETTING THIS BIT RIGHT AND RUSSELL GRANT IS FUCKING IT UP. Mercifully, it ends shortly after that.

Time for one last VT before the result, I think. Chelsee talks about how Strictly is the best thing she's ever done a little bit more, and how a lot of people were judging her at the start based on appearances, but she feels encouraged at having changed a few people's minds. She loves her relationship with Pasha and how they have a laugh together, and she's proud of herself and it feels nice to be liked, again, some more. Harry has very much enjoyed his experience on the show, more so than he expected. He admits to having dreaded it before he realised what an opportunity it was, and he thinks Aliona deserves all the credit for bringing out the dancer in him.

And there they are, in the centre of the ballroom floor, the glitterball trophy within touching distance. Chelsee's looking nervous, sketching out the floor with her feet. There's a cute moment where Harry and Chelsee both mouth "good luck" to each other at pretty much the same time, and then Chelsee goes to say something else and Bruce starts talking, so Harry gives her a sort of "what was that? Oh, never mind, tell me later" gesture. Heh. Tess tells us that we've been voting in our millions, and now it's the moment of truth.

The winners of Strictly Come Dancing 2011 are...

...Harry and Aliona! Both reactions are lovely here - Harry can't actually believe it for a second, and then reaches out and grabs Aliona and lifts her up, while Chelsee instantly reaches out to him to say well done before Pasha grabs her too and pulls her into a big hug. Nicely played by everyone, I thought. The McFly boys storm the stage and start jumping up and down and grabbing Harry - it all happens very quickly, but there's at least one other guy also running around, who I assume is a friend of Harry's. Bruce starts shouting "get off the floor! Get off the floor!" and it's not easy to tell if he's play-acting his "crotchety old man" schtick or if it's genuine. Bruce starts complaining to Aliona about the kids these days (there's a sitcom waiting to happen) while Harry hugs Chelsee and then Pasha. Mmm, Harry hugging Pasha. Sorry. Everything gets a bit muddled here, as it frequently does - Tess tries to drag Chelsee and Pasha onto their marks so they can give their graceful concession speeches, but Chelsee's busy kissing Harry and Aliona again, and is generally just looking a bit overwhelmed, so Tess just gets us all to clap for them and sends them off to join the others. I feel a bit bad that they didn't get a little moment for themselves after doing so well, but I guess those are the breaks on live television.

Bruce asks Harry how it feels to be the champion, and Harry apologises for the trouble his friends caused. One last time: such lovely manners. Bruce tells Harry he's got a dancing career now, if he wants it. Yes, because that's what happened to all the other winners of this show. I hear Tom Chambers is in Cirque du Soleil these days, and Chris Hollins is working with Twyla Tharp. [To be fair to Chambers, much as I hate to be, he is starring in Top Hat, soon heading to the West End, with a Strallen. They are the Fred'n'Ginge de nos jours. - Carrie] Harry sensibly ignores this and opts to thank everyone that has "supported Aliona and I at home". Oh, Harry. You were doing so well, and then you let the middle-class side down with that last-minute grammar lapse. Your parents will never be able to show their faces at the country club again. He thanks everyone who's worked on the show, past, present and future, and says how honoured he is to have been a part of the "best show on TV". He thanks Aliona again for getting him through it, and Bruce presents them with the trophy, which they bear aloft, just as a prop cannon shoots a streamer right into Tess's face. Hee. The other couples run on to the floor to congratulate the winner and runner-up, though not before Chelsee and Harry have hugged again. Nancy makes a beeline for Chelsee, which is rather sweet. The men lift Harry onto their shoulders, as men do in these situations, and then Aliona's up there as well. Bruce and Tess thank us all for watching, and remind us to watch the Christmas special. The band strike up 'The Best' and Harry and Aliona get their moment in the spotlight, as Brendan makes his way from one side of the crowd to the other to give Pasha a hug - and who could blame him? Most people seem to be paired up one way or another, but Bloody Lulu is on her own. Heh. The judges get in there as well, and Len and Bruno both make a point of hugging Harry, and then we're out.

And that's it for this series! Thank you so much for reading - we've loved having you, and we hope you've enjoyed the recaps. All being well, we'll find some time over the festive season to recap the Christmas special, and then we'll see you all back here in September 2012 to begin Susanna Reid's inevitable journey to victory. Until then, goodbye!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-12-13T23:52:00.006Z

- There were a lot of injuries over the weekend: Chelsee had a bad back and neck, and Holly injured her knee.
- Chelsee changed her paso fan at the last minute.
- It was "never about winning" for James. Yeah, of course it wasn't. I'm sure if they had won, he'd have gallantly handed the trophy back and everything.
- Harry's Viennese waltz made a 50-year-old ex-rugby player and boxer cry.
- Johnny Ball is FURIOUS that Holly didn't make the final. Us too, Johnny Ball, us too.
- Holly wants to continue doing the Argentine tango and paso doble after the show.
- Hard things are good for you. Fnar.
- Jason is doing the salsa in the final.
- Chelsee channeled her annoyance with herself for messing up the running split in her American Smooth into aggression for the paso doble. It's certainly a strategy.
- Chelsee's getting Pasha's sexiness out for their rumba. FNAR.
- Pasha remembers anniversaries. Chelsee not so much.
- Karen thought Harry's Viennese waltz deserved a 40.
- The showdance is not aerobics. Thanks Karen!
- There's no point in doing the rumba if your partner isn't hot, according to Katya.
- Precisely 6,000 crystals were used on Alex's salsa dress.
- Aliona has injured Harry a lot in rehearsals - an elbow to the face appears to be her preference.
- Harry is reprising his Argentine tango to try to demonstrate his intensity for Len.
- No rules for Aliona means danger for everyone else. Seriously, those were her words.
- Harry's American smooth has a Viennese waltz theme to it.
- Judging from Nancy's guide to throwing the perfect Strictly final party this week, she needs to be on every episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me from now until the end of time.
- All three couples are planning to reprise their quickstep for the final. Triple quickstep finale >>>>> triple foxtrot finale. Take note, series six.
- Jason is the straighest camp guy in town. Or the campest straight guy. Whichever makes him sound LULZIER, RIGHT KIDS?
- Kristina was a big fan of Jason's songs when she was younger, but didn't know much about his acting. I bet she's wishing she never asked now.
- It's getting increasingly harder to see how Jason was ever a professional singer. Still, there's hope for all of us, right?
- Chelsee's showdance music is 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls, Jason's is 'Dancing Fool' from Copacabana, and Harry's is 'Great Balls Of Fire'.
- Bloody Lulu sang at the service station on the way to BLACKPOOL. Quite why they didn't leave her there is a mystery to us.
- If you can't dance in BLACKPOOL, you can't dance anywhere. It's the opposite of New York, New York in that respect.
- The two dances before the first elimination on Saturday will be Judges' Choice and Showdance.
- Pasha won't have time to do the full Shrek make-up for the jive in the final, but he's going to try for a bit of paint and the ears.
- Chelsee used to be Scary Spice in a Spice Girls tribute act.
- Nancy didn't go up on the coach to BLACKPOOL, because she has standards to maintain.
- Harry punched himself in the face trying to take off his trousers. Maybe he should get some help with that in future. Any volunteers?
- Jason's kids are adorable.
- Alesha doesn't remember getting a 10 off Craig in the series five final. :(

Four gone conclusion

2011-12-11T12:52:00.011Z

Top 5: 10th December 2011

Last week: It was Movie(/Film) Week in the ballroom once again, and tens were handed out to Holly, Chelsee and Jason. Meanwhile, the producers got wind that the test audience had demanded a happy ending, so Robbie Savage was eliminated. Hooray!

Tonight, it's the semi-final, and everyone is very excited about this. It's double measures all round, as the couples will all be performing two dances, and once the results are in, two of them will be going home. It's amusing as soon as the producers finally capitulated and sorted out a contingency plan to prevent two-couple finals caused by people having to withdraw, people stopped actually withdrawing. Everybody is very keen to get to BLACKPOOL (that's BLACKPOOL, not WEMBLEY, hope you're keeping up), though presumably this year everyone's getting to dance there anyway because it's the final and they'll all be coming back for their encore performance, so hopefully that'll keep the "I JUST WANT TO DANCE IN BLACKPOOL" stuff to a minimum.

Titles! This year's top five, incidentally, are all in the first six showcase spots in the titles. Rory Bremner's the interloper, just in case anyone's wondering.

Live from Television Centre for the last time this series (possibly ever - when are they knocking it down?), we have a Bruce and we have a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: for one brief moment it looks like Tess's dress might not be that bad - true, the corset-style top does unflattering things to her boobs, but other than that, it's not too bad, and the skirt's inoffensive enough. Then you look closer and you realise she's got a bizarre mesh thing covering the rest of her lower half, and there is no legitimate reason on this earth for its existence.

Tess reminds us that two couples must depart before BLACKPOOL, and Bruce gets all nostalgic at the thought of not being in Television Centre next week, pointing out the spot where Russell rode the bull, where Robbie nosebutted the camera, and where Nancy Dell'Olio went wrong - the last of those points being the entire dancefloor. Wah-wah-waaaah. Poor Nancy. So robbed. So misunderstood. I note that McFly are sitting several rows back from the front this week. What gives?

Time to meet the stars of our show: Chelsee and Pasha, with Pasha looking very dashing in pinstripes; Holly and Artem, with Holly sporting a scarlet number that makes her boobs look like they mean business; Harry and Aliona, with Harry in a naval-themed outfit that gives me Feelings and wonder how Freudian this all is (my dad's a sailor, you see); Alex and James, with Alex sporting arm-hankies that are so vast I think they might actually be arm-napkins; and Jason and Kristina, with Kristina sporting only two-thirds of a skirt. Well, I guess now that Ola's out of the competition, someone had to take up the baton.

We've a lot to get through tonight, so there's no hanging about: just a quick intro reminding us that Karen will be joined by Fern Britton for the red button commentary this week, and then we get straight to business with Harry and Aliona. Last week, Harry was very nervous and also wearing a snood, which is never a good situation for any man to be in. He reminds us that despite getting generally good scores, they were still third-from-bottom on the leaderboard last week, so they were very relieved to be declared safe by the Tesselator. Aliona screamed loudly, Harry screamed inwardly because he's a very well-brought-up young man who doesn't believe in emotions.

In rehearsals, Aliona whacks Harry in the face. Oops. Harry tells us that he has the Charleston and the Viennese waltz this week, which are quite contrasting as dances go. Harry would very much like to get to BLACKPOOL, and would also like to win, but being a proper gent he wants everyone to do well. Their comedy VT for the week involves the fact that they are training in the same building as Chelsee and Pasha, so Harry dons camouflage gear, war paint and...a potted plant and goes to spy on them. He feeds back to Aliona using a walkie talkie (and does the static noises himself, bless him). Aliona's acting throughout this is, as always, that strange combination of hammy and wooden that has become her trademark, and Harry runs back to tell her that they've got practice to do. Well, that was edifying.

Their Charleston is to 'I'm Just Wild About Harry' (OIC WUT U DID THAR) and I don't know whether it's the band's performance or my lack of overall familiar with the song, but...is it always this unpleasant to listen to? It doesn't take a dance savant to spot that the Charleston, given its gurncentricity, was always going to be Harry's weak spot, and while he dances the whole thing with impressive rubber-limbed precision, there's no denying that it's all a bit lifeless. I watched this at a Strictly semi-final party (yes, that is how cool I am) and the other people in attendance complained that this dance was "boring". I don't know if I'd go quite that far, but then my taste in Charlestons definitely errs towards the "accomplished, well-danced" end of the spectrum than the "just pull lots of silly faces and hope for the best" end. There are lots of ambitious lifts, some more successful than others, and the overall effect is pretty cute, but probably not a routine that'll be remembered in the long run.

Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers and the judges. Bruce cracks a misogynistic joke about how women read magazines rather than books (and that's not even the punchline), and Len cites the two things that he enjoyed about that routine as "Aliona's midriff and your talent." Poor Aliona - now reduced to nothing but a midriff in Len's eyes. He reminds us that he said "I'm just wild about Harry" himself a few weeks ago and nothing has changed (and presumably, his less-than-warm feelings towards Aliona haven't changed either) and Len thinks that if Harry's Viennese waltz is that good, then he'll be in BLACKPOOL next week. Bruce sends Harry up to the Tess Circle. Eh? Apparently no one else is getting a comment on this one. Are we running over time already? Blimey.

Tess asks Harry if he can believe he's one dance away from the final, and Harry does the "just happy to be here, ma'am" response. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Harry turns to hug Aliona and gives us all the benefit of how good his bum looks in those trousers. Any bets on how long it'll be before some magazine offers us the "how to get a bum like Harry's" diet and exercise plan? Tess says that with that score, Harry's set the standard for the evening, and asks the others if they're even more nervous than before now. As always whenever Tess spontaneously solicits opinions, a tumbleweed blows through the Tess Circle. Live television, ladies and gentlemen!

Up next are Alex and James. She reminds us of last week's DRESS MALFUNCTION that knocked her for six, though the judges were kind. Alex: "Love them, because it was a mess, and they could've really slated us." I genuinely enjoy Alex's unguarded honesty, especially considering James has spent the entire series trying to convince us that everything he's involved in is perfect. She was expecting the worst, so was very surprised to still be here. This week, they've got the waltz and the salsa. Alex says she's dancing to a song called '1-2-3-4' this week, so counting should be easy. I'm busy trying to work out if you can do a waltz to Feist or not until I realise that she actually means she's got '1-2-3' by Gloria Estefan for her salsa. Of course, the counting eludes her in the actual dancing. Alex explains that she and Robbie used to have an "us and them" mentality regarding the contestants they referred to as "the gladiators" (Jason, Harry, Holly and Chelsee) - but now it's just her. James tries to convince Alex that she can be a gladiator too, so they attack each other with those giant cotton bud things. Alex whoops James's arse. Rewind. Replay. Rewind. Slo-mo. Rewind. Enjoy. Honestly, I could watch that all day.

Alex's waltz is to '(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman' and there's a lovely smoothness to it that demonstrates that Alex's "journey" isn't entirely a construct of the show, and she really has improved a lot. She's lacking some tension in the upper half of her body, though, which leaves it feeling a bit limp in places. Still a very impressive effort though, and something that looks entirely at home in the semi-final, so well done Alex.

Alesha tells Alex that it's a shame that she doubted herself in the past, because dancing like that proves she deserves to be here. She wants Alex to be very proud of how far she's come. Bruno thinks she's the belle of the ball, with grace and lovely spins. He loved the face-to-face out of hold section, which is very difficult to do, and agrees with Alesha on Alex's considerable improvement. Craig thinks she lost her neck on occasion, raised one shoulder too much, missed some closings, but he agrees with the others and she has come a very long way in the competition. Len thinks she looked beautiful and danced beautiful(ly), and deserves to be here in the semi-final. Note that he doesn't say she deserves to get any further.

Tess asks Alex if (she feels like a) natural DANCER now, and Alex scoffs at this, saying it's all down to James's tiresome tireless hard work with her, and getting this far is a pleasant surprise for both of them. Tess asks if learning two dances has been harder, and Alex says that she's been trying to enjoy it in case it's her last week, and "hopefully the salsa's all right." At this, of course, she pulls a massive "ERP" face, bless her. Scores: Craig 7, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Hmm.

Chelsee and Pasha are our next couple. Chelsee is not quite sure how she managed to get this far, but is very excited all the same - she never expected to get a 10 from Len, and she thought she would go out in the first week. This week, she's got the paso doble and the American smooth. For some reason, Chelsee has the same VT as Harry, so she dons some overalls and a comedy fake nose and moustache to go and spy on him and Aliona, under the guise of maintenance. She "comically" mistakes him for Jason before dashing back to Pasha to practice more. This whole thing does make me feel like we're being conditioned to see Harry and Chelsee as the top two, though since that seems fairly likely to happen anyway, I'm not entirely sure why they're bothering.

They're dancing the American smooth to 'Time After Time', and consequently I spend the whole routine expecting them to do the full Romy and Michele and start rolling across the floor. They don't, sadly, but the routine is still lovely - lyrical, romantic, with lovely lines and genuinely believable chemistry between them. Pasha's even treated us to a spot of literal choreography for the "If you fall I will catch you" line, bless him. The attempt at a running split doesn't quite come off, but it ends with a lovely supported spin and a very warm reception from the audience.

Bruno tells Chelsee that she has a natural shine (that'll be the tan) and glows when she dances. He thinks she has a natural instinct for the phrasing of the music that many dancers take years to master. He's disappointed that she got stuck in the split, but otherwise it was excellent. Craig thinks her arms are exquisite and for a "vertically-challenged" person, she creates beautifully long lines. Chelsee isn't sure what that means, so Craig clarifies: "SHORT, darling." Heh. [Oh, Chelsee. I loved that Pasha was also very puzzled by the expression. At least he has an excuse. - Carrie] He wasn't so keen on the shoulder lift, which he thought was rather ugly, and some movements were rushed, and the bent leg on the drag split was "horrific", which Bruno objects to. Len says it was "like the Chelsee Flower Show", because she was in full bloom. He's been holding onto that one all series, hasn't he? Just waiting for the right time to use it, and now he's realised he's probably not going to get that perfect moment so he's just chucking it out there anyway. Oh Len.

Up to the Tess Circle they scamper, and Chelsee cops to having been nervous and shaking before the dance, and she's just loving the whole experience. Pasha calls Chelsee wonderful and a hard-worker. A clearly embarrassed Chelsee mumbles "thank you, Pash". D'awww. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha ("that was a first class performance, Chelsee") 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Tess throws back to Bruce, who is not ready. Live TV! Holly and Artem are next. Last week her paso was amazing, and boosted her out of the bottom two for the first time in two weeks. Holly: "I didn't think I'd ever get a 10. For anything in life." I find myself wondering what other abilities she's graded on using such a scale on a daily basis. Perhaps that's a matter best left to Holly and her bajillionaire boyfriend. This week she's got the Charleston and the Argentine tango, and is "just trying not to drop dead", and Artem points out enigmatically that they're not on the schedule that they're "supposed" to be on without ever explaining why, but he looks kind of annoyed about it. Meanwhile, Holly looks like she's been getting a bit upset at having to cope with learning two dances. Holly decides that the way ahead is sabotage, so she "greases" Harry's shoes, "switches" Alex's music for 'The Birdie Song', "snips" Chelsee's top straps (that's a little too on-the-nose for my liking) and "puts" itching powder in Jason's trousers. Of course, everyone just sees him twitching and spasming and doesn't notice anything different. Still, at least it's different to see a contestant actively embracing the villain edit. I love Holly.

Their Argentine tango is, per Wikipedia, to 'Por una Cabeza', and involves Holly predominantly sitting on a stool for the first 20 seconds or so. That's one way to get around learning two lots of steps, I suppose. When she eventually gets up, things improve, though her leg movements are a bit too sluggish for this dance - there's not enough of the attack behind them, which is a shame, because I thought from her skill in the paso that that would be the one thing she'd excel at here. It's not a particularly terrible performance, just a bit lacklustre.

Craig liked that it was quiet, controlled and seductive. He enjoyed Holly reacting to Artem's lead and thought it was gorgeous. Len says he doesn't normally love props (YOU DON'T SAY), but he thought that worked well, and he thinks that the standard of dancing overall tonight has been fantastic. Alesha loved the lines, leg extensions, lunges and all the other things beginning with L (seriously, who needs Arlene as Alesha alliterates appropriately and amazingly?) and says that Holly is still a real contender. Artem does the step-back-and-clap thing that he hasn't done much this year. Bruno loved the "beautiful, bad and dangerous" concept and is basically lascivious about everything.

They trot up to the Tess Circle and...hang on, is Alex wearing an overcoat? Like, the sort that flashers wear? She is. That looks...odd. I mean, I think most people are assuming it's all part of her costume for her salsa, but it's still not a nice thing to have to stand wearing in the Tess Circle for a long period of time. Especially since parts of her dress keep froofing out from underneath and making it look like she needs to make an urgent appointment with her bikini waxer. Anyway, where were we? Holly loves the Argentine Tango and is thrilled that she's still here and able to do it. She chats about how they're doing double the work in half the time and everyone's having a bit of a week of it. Scores: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Bruce misses his cue again. Oh dear. Next we have Jason and Kristina. Jason recalls how movie week "looked like it was going to be the perfect night", and then he landed in the bottom two. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place to be! Jason says that being in the bottom two wasn't nice. He has never come across more dad-like than he is right now: Jason's not angry with us, just very disappointed, and look how upset your mother is. Mum -- sorry, Kristina -- explains that she wasn't ready for her journey with Jason to be over, and that's why she was crying. Jason is pleased to have a second chance, and is determined to come back in the semis with a performance to be proud of. They've got the samba and the Argentine tango this week. Their VT is mainly training-focused, but derailed at the end when a "private detective" turns up with a dossier containing the other contestants' top-secret "progress reports". All of which, it seems, have no actual writing on them. PROP FAIL.

Their samba is to 'Blame It On The Boogie' and begins on the balcony at the top of the staircase - and as Jason skips his way over to the staircase, he slips and nearly tumbles. Again, the less forgiving side of my personality is a bit disappointed he didn't actually fall the whole way down the stairs, because that would have been funny, but I do generally draw the line at wishing actual physical harm on people, so let's all just pretend I never thought that. Deal? He's got good bounce action, but his timing seems continually off on the running promenades. Also - and I'm aware this is a costuming problem rather than Jason's fault - the fact that Kristina's skirt doesn't go the whole way around her waist just makes the "flapping the skirt" move look silly.

"Oh, what a couple you are," says Bruce, apparently talking to Kristina's tits. It was full of all the steps Len likes to see (I hope that includes "the one where Jason almost falls over") and he thought that Jason's bum was "going to town". Ewww. He points out the loss of timing and blames it on the boogie euphoria of the moment, but thinks it was a good job. Alesha thinks Jason would've been worried drawing the samba for the semi-final, but that he needn't have been, because he had fun and "captured the spirit" (drink!), though she agrees there were timing issues. Bruno liked to see Jason "bright and gay" (lolz), but that it's hard to get back on the timing in a dance like this when you lose it. He declares it "messy, but fun". Craig liked the energy, but thought there were some "awkward daddy dancing" moments. No one mentions him almost going arse-over-tit on the balcony, but I suppose that probably would've been quite difficult to see from where they were sitting. I wouldn't be surprised if it shows up on Len's Lens, mind.

Up in the Tess Circle, Jason takes a swig of water and hands the bottle back to Brendan. Tess asks how the dance was for him, and Jason bores that it's all about having fun at this point in the competition, and at this point he just wants to enjoy the time he has in the competition. Tess says that the audience didn't notice the timing issues. Speak for yourself, lady. Tess asks what we can expect from his Argentine tango. "He might kill me," Kristina replies. To be honest, I've got that sensation from a lot of Jason's dances. He looked like he was considering doing away with her at the end of the rumba, for starters. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 34. There is a muted response in the Tess Circle, and then Jason waves his bum at the camera. My coping strategy for this is to mentally replace it with Harry's bum. Much easier that way.

Halfway leaderboard: Harry at the top, Chelsee in second, Holly in third, and Alex and Jason tying for last place.

To kill some time, we now have a VT featuring "The Famous Five". I am using my expertise here as someone who read a lot of Enid Blytons as a child to deduce that Harry is Julian, Jason is Dick (ha!), Holly is George (though to be honest, the way they've made her up, she could just as easily be Aunt Fanny or indeed Uncle Quentin), Chelsee is Anne and Alex is Timmy the dog (hee, and also aww). Said VT "treats" us to the acting skills of Len Goodman Esq., as he goes to retrieve the Strictly glitterball only to discover that - horrors! - it's not where he usually keeps it, next to all those signed pictures of SPORTSMEN. He summons "five intrepid explorers" to come to his aid, and Harry (barely even needing to make his accent more plummy, which is quite funny in itself) asks what the devil is going on. The less said about Chelsee's attempt at RP, the better. Anyway, Len offers them a wonderful trip to BLACKPOOL if they can safely retrieve the trophy, and Holly declares it the perfect job for The Famous Five - at which point Brendan appears in his Rent-A-Pro suit of armour and suggests they make it The Super Six. He is sent packing. Alex suggests they start with Russell Grant, and the others pretend not to have understood, though whether this is a "talking dog" joke or yet another "LOL WELSH ACCENT" joke is never entirely clear.

Anyway (bloody hell, a VT that needs breaking up into paragraphs) they run off in search of him, and I spot that Harry and Jason have their shirts untucked, which I'm sure Julian and Dick would never do. Tsk. Also, Harry's outfit appears to involve TopMan chinos. Anyway, they find Russell Grant masturbating over a picture of Harry in the Strictly annual (or at least that would appear to be the implication), and he denies all knowledge of the crime, claiming that he has enough glittery balls in his life, or something. He suggests they try Craig, so they do. Craig is coveting something which he claims to be his "little secret" - and turns out to be his 10 paddle. Oh, all right: heh. He says that he hasn't seen the trophy since last year, at which point Alex suggests that maybe Kara has it. Once again, nobody can make out what Alex is saying, so Holly just gives her a bone. Alex doesn't seem terribly perturbed, she's probably used to being treated like this on The One Show all the time. They find "Kara" with the trophy, except it's not so much Kara as it is Brendan with an unconvincing wig and a small cut-out of Kara's face on a stick, at which point Artem bursts in, snatches it away, and tells Brendan he's not falling for that one again. Okay, I may have made that last bit up. And thus the trophy was rescued, and far too many of the audiences developed Feelings about Harry as a posh jailbait adventurer. Not that I was one of those people, obviously. [I genuinely seem to be the only Strictly watcher in the world who finds Harry entirely sexless. - Carrie]

Right, with that all over, time for dance number two from everyone. At this point in the competition, it's time for the judges to get together and discuss everyone's progress, so Bruce introduces the first such feature for "Harry and Ariona". Oh dear. Len thinks Harry is a semi-finalist if ever he saw one, and that Harry has the complete package. Alesha thought Harry would be good, but never realised how good. Bruno admires Harry's physique FROM A DANCE PERSPECTIVE, OKAY, as does Craig. Craig also likes Harry's rhythm, because he's a drummer. Len thinks Harry needs to maintain the level of his quickstep to make it to the final. Len bitches about the lack of drama in his Argentine tango again, and Alesha doesn't think he's a runaway winner. From there, we segue into Harry's Viennese waltz training, and Harry says that there's no room to fall into the bottom two this week, because the bottom two go home.

They're dancing to 'This Year's Love' and open with a Len-baiting fleckerl before swooping around the dancefloor beautifully. I genuinely can't find anything to fault in this whatsoever - it's right up there with the greats. I wonder if it's a coincidence that Aliona has curbed her desire for eccentric choreography as they've got closer to the trophy, or whether this was all a part of her plan to create a "journey" for someone who could've been perceived as a ringer. Either way, I feel like I should take my hat off to her, were I wearing one.

Alesha wonders why Harry's been hiding behind the drums for so many years [um, because he's the drummer, Leesh? - Carrie], because he's so talented, and that dance was exquisite. Bruno refers to the prince and the showgirl, and says that the romance unfolded perfectly with each step. He thinks Harry is "dancing royalty". Craig thought it was a slightly odd Viennese waltz because it was despondent and melancholy, which he thought was a very interesting take that he really enjoyed, but he'd like to see Harry move his head to the left a fraction more. Len loved the fleckerl, the natural turns, the reverse turns, the swing of the body and so on, and insists à la Henry VIII that Harry be taken to the Tower...Ballroom, in Blackpool.

Tess points out that this was his last shot at the title, and Harry says that this might well have been his last dance - and whatever happens, it will have been his last dance in TVC. He just wants to thank Aliona in case he gets eliminated, because she's worked so hard with him. Tess picks up on the "dancing royalty" comment and Dougie's recent I'm A Celebrity win (which Harry phrases as "Queen - sorry, King of the Jungle", and BOO Harry, that joke is beneath you) and wonders if there's any chance of a McFly double this year. Harry says that there are so many other great people here, that you just don't know. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39, securing Harry's spot at the top of the leaderboard this week.

Time to hear what the judges think about Alex and James. Mainly Alex, thankfully. Len thinks "good on 'er" for making it this far, and Craig thinks she lacked "genuine" confidence at the beginning of the competition. Bruno remembers Alex shining at Wembley with her tango (with Alesha adding "she didn't make -- well, it didn't seem like she made any mistakes", which: hee), but then the next week everything fell apart again on the Charleston. Bruno thinks that she's improved in the ballroom, but she's still to reluctant to use what she has in the Latin. Alesha thinks Alex's warmth and joyful personality is another reason she's been kept in. Len thinks Alex needs to prove to us all she belongs in the final. Back in training for her salsa, Alex is worried about the extra pressure brought about by the double elimination, but hopes that she'll have the confidence to make it to BLACKPOOL.

Alex sweeps the stage in her overcoat briefly before being overcome by the music and stripping off her coat to reveal a fancy sequinned dress underneath. I'm...not really sure what the point of that was. It didn't seem to have much of a story behind it. Still, it came from the mind of James Jordan and is therefore clearly BEYOND REPROACH so perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it. It's actually not that bad an attempt, especially for Alex - the timing's a bit questionable, but she's really selling it and having a good time. There's a worrying tabletop lift where we get an unwanted shot of her gusset, and after that it's a lot of armography. The footwork is not great, but again, such a step forward from where she started.

Bruno tells Alex she can scrub his floor any time. Fnar. He liked the arm passes and the holds, but when Alex is on her own, there are still moments of uncertainty that she needs to get past. "If you make it to BLACKPOOL, you really need to get there," he finishes, making me wonder if part of the score that week will depend on the contestants' skills at sorting their own transport. Craig thinks this routine was a big challenge for Alex, and perhaps a bit beyond her skill set, but he loves that she throws herself undeniably into it, and that's very much to be admired. Len thinks it was full of personality and gusto, and he thought her hips were very good. He thinks she comes out full bore (I thought that was Jason?) and giving it everything, however, in doing so she lost a bit of finesse. Alesha agrees with Len in that it was full-on and fun, but it did get messy. She wants Alex to be proud of how well she's done.

Up in the Tess Circle, Alex says she thought this might have been her last chance, so she just decided to go for it. James says that yesterday she was feeling very self-conscious about it and was actually in tears, but he's proud of her for giving it 100% out there. Tess asks how Alex would feel if it was her last dance. Alex gets as far as "it would be devastating, but--" before James decides that this is HIS QUESTION NOW and butts in "but you were brilliant, and if it's time to go it's time to go." Charming. Scores: Craig 7 (James: "He doesn't like you", like FUCK OFF), Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. James says that Craig doesn't like him, and he's taking it out on Alex, and FUCK OFF JAMES JORDAN. GOD. I don't care if this is all pantomime and if James is playing "the bitter one" or whatever, he is such an attention-hog and it's really getting on my tits.

Time to check in with Chelsee and Pasha again. Craig thinks that Chelsee's been a real surprise with her overall level of skill. Alesha didn't expect to see the level of technique that Chelsee has shown week after week, and Len says that he realised how good she was with her quickstep. Len tries to do a "GWORN CHELSEE" before realising that sounds like declaring allegiance to a football team beyond his beloved West Ham. Heh. Len thinks she's the revelation of the pack and a real firecracker, and also points out that Pasha has the confidence to let Chelsee repeatedly start a routine on her own - but wonders if Chelsee shares his confidence. Chelsee is very excited to be this close to the final, and just hopes she can do well this week and not disappoint the judges.

Their paso doble is to 'Malagueña' (again, I'm getting this from Wikipedia, don't shoot the messenger if it's wrong) and Chelsee experiences a prop malfunction early on when her flick of the fan that she's holding doesn't quite result it in it...well, fanning out. She corrects it manually, though, and very smoothly too, I might add. Somewhere during her first few moments in hold with Pasha, however, the fan gets squashed again and so when she starts flapping it during the routine it looks a bit odd. There's some very nice footwork and lovely arm-shaping throughout the performance, though to my mind there are a few points where she's lacking the necessary attack and everything feels placed rather than fierce. There's a little bit at the end too where she looks uncertain, like she's found herself in the wrong place, and it's a bit faltery. It's always hard to tell whether that genuinely means anything, but I did get that sense quite a bit during this routine, and I can only report it as I see it. By all means draw your own conclusion.

Chelsee jokes with Bruce about her "Pasha doble" and says that she absolutely loved that routine. Craig thinks it was "paso personified" and "AH-MAY-ZING". He thinks she was "gobsmackingly good". Len loved the mood, attitude and focus, and calls it fantastic. Alesha thinks Chelsee is performing like a true dancer, and thinks she deserves to be in the final. Bruno is fanning himself with his script and gets a bit carried away with talking about the "pressure" and the "steam". He loved the flamenco part of the routine and thinks her artistry is superb.

Pasha Doble head up to the Tess Circle, and Tess says that surely Chelsee is finding it easier to generate passion with Pasha now? "This dance I did, yeah," giggles Chelsee. Tess asks Chelsee if she's done enough to make the final three. Chelsee says she hopes so. Scores: 10s all round for a total of 40. I'm kind of surprised that this was the routine that prompted Craig to get his 10 out, for the reasons outlined above, but fair enough. It's also the first perfect score for a paso doble in Strictly history, so well done Chelsee. Chelsee is quivering, and thanks Pasha, who gives her a hug. Wow, a perfect score AND a hug from Pasha? BEST DAY EVER. While Tess is yammering on, Chelsee keeps fanning herself with the (closed) fan, so Pasha takes it from her, opens it out and starts fanning her face. Is he not just the most precious thing?

People are giggling behind Tess, because Bruce has got his glitterball 3D glasses on. I'm expecting a gag from this, but it appears to be "Bruce cannot read the autocue", which happens often enough without visual aids, so: eh. Len thinks Holly is a worthy semifinalist. Bruno thinks she rarely does mistakes and has excellent placement, but she "seems to switch off". I'm not sure she ever switches on, does she? Alesha thinks she spotted fire in her eyes during the foxtrot, and all the judges fondly remember the Black Swan-themed American Smooth. Lip service is paid to Holly's fine work in the week she danced with Brendan, and Len thinks that Holly needs to maintain her energy to make the final. Holly reminds us that her final dance is the Charleston, which is "tongue-in-cheek fun", i.e. not at all suited to someone like Holly, whose sense of humour is drier than Sauvignon Blanc. Nonetheless, she vows to come out with "fire and energy" in the hope of making it through.

Hmm. Their Charleston is to 'We Speak No Americano', and features Holly and Artem as DJs. The bit behind the decks is fair enough, and the opening 20 seconds or so of actual dancing are fine - indeed, Holly copes better with the inherent goofiness of the genre better than I thought she would. Then they break into a kick section in hold and her footwork starts to suffer a little bit, and shortly after that she loses place entirely and has to look at Artem to see what she's supposed to be doing. She never properly recovers from that, and it's a shame, because there are hints throughout that she totally has the skill to do this dance, and the choreography, while Aliona-levels of bonkers, is fun and unusual. I wonder if it would've made any difference if the running order had been switched and she could've done this one first - having to do the far more energetic dance second can't have helped her. Just to compound the mishaps, the end pose involves them running back behind the decks and putting their headphones on, and while Holly manages it fine, Artem's get all tangled. Holly looks a bit nauseous when it's all over, though whether that's exertion or realising how badly it went is up to the interpreter.

Len liked the modern interpretation eventually, and thought she had the lovely Charleston swivel, but thought the whole thing could've been slicker. Alesha liked the whole DJ Valance aspect of it, and points out that they're all exhausted by this point, and she wants to commend Holly for stepping out of her comfort zone. I mean, she didn't have much choice, that's just the way the draw fell, but whatever. Similarly, Bruno praises her for the interpretation (again, not really her work), but spotted some moments of hesitation here and there. Craig thanks Artem for taking such risks with his choreography, and loved the idea, though he only thought it was "sort of" danced well.

They head to the Tess Circle, where Artem pings his braces. Tess says that Holly conquered the Charleston, and Holly says that she didn't exactly conquer it, but at least she "didn't die at the end." Heh. Holly talks about how fun it was to do something modern, because she didn't think she could ever do the Charleston. During this, Artem has checked out so very much that he removes his glasses, rubs them on his shirt, blows on them, and then pops his finger through the frames to show that THERE WERE NO LENSES IN THEM AT ALL! Shocker, I know. Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha ("come on!") 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Tess asks Holly if she wants to make the final. Holly, unconvincingly: "I'd love to have a go!" I think Holly would be more than happy to go home this week. She's made the semis, she can retire with her head held high.

Finally, we have Jason and Kristina. Len thinks Jason is a performer, and that's helped him make it this far. Alesha thinks he started really strong(ly). Len thinks Jason puts so much pressure on himself and makes himself go wrong. Bruno mentions the jive that wasn't, and how the pressure ruined it (or the fuck-up ruined it, depending on your perspective). There is talk about how the rumba is SO HARD FOR MEN, and more about how he's such a great performer. Len thinks Jason can't afford to keep making mistake, and must learn to relax. In training for the Argentine Tango, Jason talks about how much pressure there is on him. Oops. However, he's decided that he's just going to go out and have a good time this week.

They're dancing to 'Assassin's Tango', appropriately enough, and OH MY GOD SERIAL KILLER FACE SERIAL KILLER FACE SERIAL KILLER FACE. Seriously, why has no one on this show ever explained to Jason how it looks when he does that? Kristina is basically in her underwear with a trace amount of lace over the top, and the choreography for this whole routine is magnificent, but Jason's dancing, not so much. He's not really doing much more than act as a frame for Kristina to dance on, and the few occasions where he gets to dance by himself (e.g. slapping the backs of his heels) look sloppy. He even seems to stumble at one point, and when he lifts Kristina up high he's clearly struggling to keep his balance. It all makes me very uneasy, like I'm watching one of those public service "what would you do?" films that's going to chastise me at the end for watching impassively when I should have been dialling 999.

There's a standing ovation that Bruno and Alesha participate in, although he sits down long before she does. Alesha doesn't even wait for Bruce to give her the cue to start speaking (cue six more "SACK THAT DISRESPECTFUL COW" threads on Digital Spy, no doubt) and tells him that it was clean, sharp and built and built, and it was so aggressive. She then apologises to Bruce for getting overexcited, and starts cackling. Bruno says it was like watching "death by Kristina" ("death of Kristina", surely? I mean he tried to snap her neck halfway through). Craig thinks "that woman" should be on an assault charge. Hang on, was I watching this wrong? Because this is all getting far too victim-blamey for my taste. Len thinks that if you're going to do your best dance of the series, what better time than the semi-final. Er, the final?

They run up to the Tess Circle without waiting for the word from Bruce. Poor Bruce. First disrespected by Alesha, then by Jason and Kristina. Jason blahs that he feels very emotional about the whole experience, and that they've all worked very hard, and whoever makes it through to the final deserves it. Scores: 10s all round again for a total of 40. Seriously, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I've seen some inexplicable perfect scores in my time, but this takes the cake, really and truly. James leans into the camera and gurns, and Jason collapses.

Leaderboard: Harry at the top, Chelsee close behind him, Jason close behind her, Holly less close behind them, and Alex even less close behind them.

The phone lines are open! Quick recap: Harry doing a spot of naval-gazing in his Charleston, and being robbed of a perfect score for his Viennese waltz, considering the guff they were handing them out for later; Alex and the attack of the arm napkins, followed by the salsa that was full of spice but had a funny texture; Chelsee's genuinely lovely Viennese waltz that was dogged by a few disappointing errors, and her Pasha Doble that apparently was not; Holly's study in scarlet of an Argentine tango, and her hip hop Charleston; and Jason's dad samba and ARGH SERIAL KILLER FACE MAKE IT STOP.

VT, about how much everyone wants to go to BLACKPOOL. As I said earlier, you will all be going regardless because everyone gets invited back for the final, so let's not waste time on this.

Two couples will be going in tomorrow night's results show, and I'd be very surprised if they weren't Holly and Artem and Alex and James, but you never know...

Results show

Just to keep us on our toes, there's a cold open this week, as the five remaining couples are all stood under the spotlight, as Tess tells us that only three of them will make it through to next week's final. I hope this was actually filmed at the same time they gave them the results, otherwise that's three times those poor blighters would've had to stand there in the glare before finding out who was going home.

Titles! The phone rings. I say "whoever that is can fuck right off". It turns out to be my dad. Oops. I disappear to my bedroom to take the call, mentally berate myself for being an ungrateful son, and thank the Lord for V+.

Lawks, we open with a mental pro paso to 'Paint It Black', which opens with Kristina in a pink leotard writhing around on the floor giving it the full Flavia as a giant swathe of fabric billows out behind her. She unhooks it from her midriff and it swoops back to reveal James, Robin and Artem, who do a spot of paso shaping before Kristina returns with Aliona and Ola, all carrying pink mini-capes of their own (this season's must-have, darling). This proves to be a bit of a misfire, as the capes turn into trains along the floor that double as convenient trip-hazards for the ladies. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovely idea, just needed a smidge more thought given to the execution.

Tess appears in a scarlet sequinned number [looking like a sparkly postbox - Carrie] and reminds us that two couples are going home tonight. She reintroduces the judges. Alesha's hair is currently over both shoulders, instead of the usual one. It looks much nicer this way, and I would recommend she consider having it like that more often. Tess throws up to Claudia, who promises performances from Aloe Blacc and the Military Wives, but first, here's a recap.

Len tells us that it was the "best ever semi-final", but then he also thought that Lisa Snowdon was the greatest female dancer never to win Strictly, so forgive me for not necessarily taking him at his word. Harry's Charleston got a good reception, but they didn't have much time to celebrate because they had to go and get changed for the next dance - the Viennese waltz, which went down similarly well. Harry thinks they've done their best, and then giggles that he's repeating himself. I guess two dances a night will do that to a person. Imagine what effect it'll have on Jason. Alex was very nervous about her waltz, but got good reviews for it. Post-salsa, she's a bit teary-eyed and "overwhelmed by the whole thing". Len repeats the same "Chelsee Flower Show" joke that wasn't especially funny the first time, and there is very little actual backstage opinion from Chelsee. No idea why. Maybe getting the 40 rendered her incapable of speech, or invisible, or something. Holly is momentarily abandoned by Artem after her Argentine tango, and then he returns. Artem thinks things went well. Holly: "Well, we've got a Charleston, so don't get too excited." Heh. Indeed, the Charleston does not go so well, and Holly is very glad that it's over. Holly isn't sure if it'll be enough to keep her in. Jason loved his samba, which is good because I didn't, and then his Argentine tango was wretched and awful and somehow got 40, which Jason declares "pretty emotional stuff". Len looks forward to BLACKPOOL, where they do the dancing.

Time for our first performance of the evening: Aloe Blacc with 'I Need A Dollar'. I think this is one of those things where everybody knows the song but an awful lot of those people would struggle to tell you who it's by. [Never heard the song either. This year officially marks the year I became middle-aged. - Carrie] Anyway, he has Brendan and Natalie doing a cha-cha-cha in front of him, and Brendan is wearing a nasty hat, and Natalie is just generally being filth the whole time, so that's quite fun. Hmm. Having described it as a cha cha cha, and still being fairly certain that's what it is, they start doing samba rolls mid way through it, so I don't know. IT'S LATIN OKAY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

Claudia informs us that it's results time, so we go to Tess to discover who will be dancing in the BLACKPOOL ballroom next week. In no particular order, the first couple with a definite place in the final is... Chelsee and Pasha! Chelsee screams at record decibel level and thanks us all very much. Also going through to the final are...Harry and Aliona! He actually yells for once, and almost deafens Aliona in the process. Who's secured the last place in the final? We'll have to wait a little bit longer to find out, because the show's only ten minutes in.

Tess turns to Alesha for some advice for the finalists, and Alesha is very happy for Chelsee, without whom she thinks the final would be incomplete. She tells her to dig deep, get some sleep, eat some porridge, and work hard. She also slips in a "we did five in my day!" for good measure. Bruno says that Harry has everything it takes to become king of the ballroom, he just needs to maintain the momentum and nail it. Tess cracks the "we're all wild about Harry" joke again.

Claudia is up in the Tess Circle with the first two finalists. Chelsee is "gobsmacked" both to be in the final and to have scored the first 40 of the series. Claudia asks Pasha what we can expect from the showdance. "Funky," replies Pasha. Intriguing. Harry tells Claudia that it's been such an amazing experience, and he's over the moon to be in the final. He says that he's been to BLACKPOOL before, but never danced there, so he's very excited about that.

Time for an exhibition showdance? I think so: here are Craig Smith and Natalie Woolf. They're dancing to 'Happy' by Leona Lewis, and hopefully all the pros have been briefed that attempting to copy these two leads to disaster and is generally deeply discouraged. It's an amazing display of dance and general acrobatics, though it is fairly lift-heavy, so if you're a lift-denier it is perhaps not your cup of tea. [STRICTLY COME LIFTING! - Carrie]

Claudia, afterwards: "Len and I do that every year at the wrap party." I don't doubt it. It's time for Len's Lens, for the final time this series. We begin with a listen to Len during Harry's Charleston, shouting "WHORYEAH!" "GWARN MY BOY!" and things like that. It's very unsettling, though Len claims that reactions like that are exactly what the Charleston should be about. Then we go to Jason's dad dancing in his samba, and Craig thinks he was "on a complete and utter mission", though to precisely what I am unsure. Bruno wants to talk about Alex's amazing gusset-flashing tabletop lift, and says that the dismount was a bit dodgy, but the going up was splendid. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. Then we go to Claudia's suggestion for a Tulisa-style supergroup ready to take to the floor if anyone else drops out: Bruno and Alesha, swaying together, presumably during the "keeeeeeep dancing!" Bruno calls Alesha "absolutely gorgeous" and Craig tells her that he feels sorry for her, having to sit next to Bruno. This from the man who has to sit next to LEN, lest we forget.

Time for highlights of the series: Len's is Ola having a massive grump-on after being kicked out of the Swingathon. Craig: "She's turning into her husband." Heee. Alesha's pick of the series, which she claims she's been waiting three years for, is Alesha dancing on the judges' table at WEMBLEY and whacking her on the back of the head. Alesha: "Thank God for hair extensions." Hee. Craig's is a bit of a cheat because it's not really from the actual show: it's Bruce doing the jive with Holly when Artem was injured. Bruno's is Craig ("or the Wicked Witch Of The East") flying through the air at Wembley dressed as Brian May. Claudia has a clip that no one's seen before, and it's Bloody Lulu attempting to high five Brendan and missing by about six miles. Since this is our last Len's Lens, and Claudia's last show of the year, Len has a little surprise for Claudia. I say "Len", I mean "the VT team": it's a little mash-up of all of Claudia's reactions of "THE GRANT" set to a soundtrack of 'Dance Wiv Me'. I guess there were only so many of these segments they could do without resorting to the ol' standby, even when he hasn't been on the show for weeks.

Next we have a performance from Gareth Malone and The Military Wives, with Flavia and Vincent dancing in front of them. I'm afraid The Military Wives fall under my "very noble and charitable endeavour as long as you don't expect me to care" heading, so I shan't be dwelling on that, but Vincent and Flavia's dancing is lovely, and Gareth Malone is all sorts of adorable.

Time to head back to Tess, to find out who's being eliminated tonight. Tess builds up to announcing the first couple who will be going home, and people start yelling from the audience. Perhaps they're yelling supportive things, but the overall effect is of them clamouring for certain couples to be sent home, which is HORRIBLE and unwelcome. Take that sort of behaviour back to The X Factor, where it belongs. Anyway, the first couple leaving tonight is...Alex and James. Tess tells Alex she's been absolutely magnificent, and Alex says that she's had an incredible time, and will look back on this fondly when she's old and grey. She says that she and James have laughed 80% of the time, when he wasn't ignoring and berating her. Alex thanks James for performing miracles, and then James tries to act like a decent human being for a change and says that if there were a trophy for most improved, Alex would've won it. "Friends for life!" Tess screeches. I doubt it, somehow. I hear he and Pamela stopped speaking the second the tour was over. Exit VT: Alex's Strictly journey, from being awful, to being less awful, to being decent, even scraping a first place finish on the leaderboard along the way. Not too shabby, is it?

Alex and James step to one side while Tess prepares to reveal the other couple leaving us tonight. The audience start caterwauling because they're all feral beasts with no fucking decorum, and the couple leaving us is...Holly and Artem. Holly says that she's proud of being part of the most successful Strictly to date (ha!) and calls Artem the most brilliant choreographer she's ever witnessed in her life, adding that she's made beautiful new friends that she'll be taking with her. Artem says that he's very strict in rehearsals and doesn't compliment his partner as he should more often, but thanks Holly very much for everything. Aww. For someone who clearly didn't give a crap for 98% of this process, Holly seems genuinely moved now that she's actually going home. We see their highlights VT, wherein Holly describes the whole experience as "epic", and gets a little bit weepy in the corner of the screen watching it all. She enjoyed all of it, especially Wembley, despite feeling a bit like she was "at a dog show being paraded around the arena". She knows there's going to be a comedown after the whole thing's over.

Holly and Artem join Alex and James for their last dance as Tess squeals "real tears! Real tears!" She congratulates our three finalists - Chelsee and Pasha (Chelsee waving frantically like she's on All Star Family Fortunes), Harry and Aliona (Harry waving feebly with a faint sense of embarrassment, like someone he knows is on All Star Family Fortunes) and Jason and Kristina (SERIAL KILLER GLARE). They'll all be in BLACKPOOL next week, which will also be broadcast in 3D for the six people in the country who can actually receive that on their tellies, as well as in a few cinemas. Tess thanks Claudia for all her hard work, and 'The Winner Takes It All' plays, rather cruelly, for the departing couples. James and Artem very sweetly bear up Holly and Alex between them and spin them around as the other contestants come to bid them goodbye. I'm gutted because I had genuinely grown to love both Holly and Alex, but at least there are also two couples I love in the final, so I've not done too badly this year. See you next week for a blow-by-blow account of the final!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-12-05T22:50:00.009Z

- Robbie's still a Bitter Betty where Craig is concerned.
- Alan Sugar thinks Robbie should try "Celebrity Cooking" (whatever that is) next.
- Robbie thinks "you can't teach someone to have natural rhythm". Well, no, dear. That's where the "natural" part comes in.
- Brendan, James, and Vincent are picking on Pasha backstage and laughing in his face. COMMENCE WRITING HURT/COMFORT WOOBIE-FIC NOW.
- Pasha's face during the botafogo challenge is the most adorable thing you will ever see.
- This week's botafogo scores are as follows: Pasha scored 65 (with 3 disallowed), Flavia scored 67 (with 2 disallowed), Brendan scored 70 (with 10 disallowed for not maintaining his centre), Artem scored 79 (with 2 disallowed) and James scored 66 (with 2 disallowed). ARTEM WINS! FATALITY!
- Bruno gets all his energy from the contestants. That's it. Entirely legal substances, honest.
- The rumba is a women's dance, where the man forms the frame for the woman to dance on/around. I think this means everything Ola has ever choreographed was a rumba.
- James was worried they'd been overmarked this week. That is not a mistake - he was worried about being overmarked.
- The secret to a great male celebrity rumba is ensuring the man is never static.
- There have been more than 75 quicksteps performed over the history of Strictly.
- They had to remake Holly's paso doble skirt at the last minute for...reasons that weren't made entirely clear, but apparently involved it not being sufficiently similar to her rehearsal skirt.
- Zoe really likes the way Kristina says "prrrroud".
- Jason's children were "devastated" to see him in the bottom two. DEVASTATED. Are you HAPPY now, British public?
- It Takes Two is going to BLACKPOOL next week.
- Brendan is doing his best to remove Bloody Lulu from his Strictly history. Aren't we all, Brendan? Aren't we all...
- Harry has clammy palms all the time.
- Artem really is worryingly attached to that awful plasticky-looking "leather" hat.
- Harry's costume for the charleston is naval-themed. Or possibly navel-themed. Either one is good with us, to be honest.
- Chelsee thinks you won't feel so daft if you go out in the semi-final because the double elimination means you won't have to do the last dance on your own.
- Holly is tied with Austin Healey for the highest paso score in Strictly history.
- Holly is not good at gurning, or she's "facially beige", as she puts it.
- Su Pollard's performance in the Christmas special is looking...well, special.
- Pasha's lip-synching is about as good as his acting.

Wishful drinking

2011-12-05T20:00:00.000Z

SPECIAL: Craig, Alesha and Bruno on Alan Carr: Chatty Man, 4th December 2011

Q: What do you get if you cross Alesha Dixon with a large amount of complimentary booze?
A: THE TV HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR.

[Disclaimer: Since Craig, Alesha, and Bruno's appearance on Chatty Man this week was so memorable, we decided it needed immortalising. The below is very much our editorialised take on events, so take it with a pinch of salt. If you want to know how everything actually went down, check out the link above.]

Scene: The set of Chatty Man. So far on this episode, we've had Vernon Kay trying to be all exciting, and Ricky Gervais and Warwick Davis coming on to promote Life's Too Short. Since Steve loathes Ricky Gervais in any context, he retreated to the bedroom for that part of the show and asked his boyfriend to let him know when "that awful man" was gone. Next up: the Strictly judges...

Alan: Performing the cha-cha-chat, put your hands together for the real stars of Saturday night telly, the Strictly Come Dancing judges!
Steve: I seem to recall you singing a very different tune when you had The X Factor's judges on the other week. Hmm.

Craig, Alesha and Bruno enter. Everything seems perfectly normal. So far.

Bruno: Thank you for having us.
Alan: I'm over the moon! Let's have a drink.
Alesha: Oh, fabulous.

In hindsight, the warning signs were there already.

Alan: (to Bruno) I hear you're a lightweight.
Bruno: I am, I'm useless.
Alesha: Cackles.
Dramatic irony: Is delicious.

Alan: Where's Len?
Bruno: Oh, he's collecting his walnuts. He's got to get them pickled by Christmas. He's very very busy. Please assume that everything I say is a lascivious double-entre unless directed otherwise.
Viewing audience: Does not miss Len in the slightest.
Alan: Hands Alesha a glass of something red, fizzy and alcoholic.
Steve: Doesn't drink much, as you can probably tell.
Alesha: (to audience) Cheers!
Foreshadowing: Arrives.

Alan (to Craig) You should be celebrating - you've passed your driving test!
Steve: Just as well - he'd clearly need to be the designated driver in this scenario.
Alan: Why have you only just taken your test?
Craig: I get driven, darling. But I bought a car, so I thought I'd better learn to drive it.
Alesha: I find your privilege and entitlement hilarious, luckily.

Craig shows off his shoes. They have SERIOUS Cuban heels and are definitely not DVLA-endorsed.

Alan: Ignore what I said to Borelow and that lot the other week, Strictly is the biggest show on the box. Congratulations!
Bruno: Thank you. (To audience.) Thank you for watching it.
X Factor producers, watching at home: Oh, so THAT's what proper humility looks like. We've been so confused about it for weeks now. Hmm. It's so much less annoying when it's actually sincere, isn't it?
Bruno: We have a fantastic cast and a great time. Basically, we have the greatest Saturday job in the world.
Alan: And Camilla's a fan, isn't she?
Camilla Dallerup: NOT THESE DAYS, I'M NOT.
The Duchess Of Cornwall: Not you, you lunatic has-been. Me.
Alesha: I think she's a bit of a Strictly stalker.
The Queen: Considers Alesha for a Damehood.
Alesha: She knows everything about the show. She even recognised my nan from when I was a contestant.
Steve: To be fair, Alesha, your nans were amazing. They've probably got higher recognition levels than the entire "celebrity" cast of series seven put together.
Alan: Have you asked her on the show?
Alesha & Bruno: Fuck no, we're holding out for Pippa Middleton's Arse.
Alan: How close have you been to Pippa Middleton's Arse saying yes?
Alesha: Cackles at the very idea.
The Audience: Warms to Alesha.

Craig, Bruno and Alesha attempt to encourage Alan to come on the show, but he insists that he's too hip hop for that shit, and demonstrates. Moira Ross hands a note to her successor advising him or her to add "hip hop" to next year's list of dances. Bruno waves his arse. Alesha does a bit of MC-ing. Oh, how I've missed that.

Alan: Who's going to win?
Studio audience: HARRY. Duh.
Alesha: I think a boy's going to win this year.
Craig: Jason's very good, though. I still consider him a contender because this was recorded before he was revealed to be in the bottom two this weekend, despite being third on the leaderboard.
Bruno: Chelsee's very good, and Alex is improving.
Nobody: Suggests Holly Valance has a chance of winning.
Steve: Is disappointed but not surprised.
Bruno: It's too close to call.
Alesha: That's the politically-correct answer. The reality is, all the girls and gays really like Harry, and the vast majority of votes are hormone-induced. That's why I was in the bottom two the same week that Matt Di Angelo only did half a routine and had a woobie meltdown on the steps.
Bruno: Yeah, but he could mess up the freestyle dance.
Alesha: Bitch, please. Nobody pays any attention to that. Last year Kara Tointon finished hers by running to East Grinstead and back, but she still won.
Alan: Anton Du Beke, I feel sorry for him, you know--
Alesha: I don't.
Everybody watching: Begins to suspect that Alesha might be a tiny bit tipsy.

Alan: Do the men ever get hard-ons while they're dancing?
Bruno: Is slightly horrified by this
Drunk Alesha: (waving her now empty glass around wildly as she talks, just to remove any doubt as to whether she's soused or not) Everyone is really frisky on the show. Everyone is horny. The year I was a contestant, everyone was really gagging for it.
Bruno: NO MORE DRINK FOR ALESHA! Yoink!
Alan: Are you MAD? This is trending all over Twitter right now. My ratings are going through the roof! MOAR BOOZE FOR ALESHA!
Drunk Alesha: JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEINS! Chugs directly from the bottle.
Everyone watching: Suddenly realises how much they want to go out drinking with Alesha.
Drunk Alesha: As I was just saying...
The Ghost of Mary Whitehouse: DEAR GOD.
Drunk Alesha: ...you're grinding up against someone for 8-10 hours a day, you're bound to get a bit frisky.
Bruno: I've judged it for nine years, I've never seen any boner.
The BBC Trust: *facepalm*

Alan: Is it true what they say, that the better the dancer you are, the better you are in bed?
Drunk Alesha: WELL I THINK SO ALAN! Honks with laughter.
Alan: Reconsiders his life choices, takes bottle away from Alesha.
Steve: :(

A clip is shown of the Argentinian version of Strictly Come Dancing in which two nearly-naked people re-enact a softcore porn scenario. The Argentinian Len Goodman criticises them for "all that mucking about" and gives them a 7.

Drunk Alesha: You'd never get that on the BBC.
Aliona Vilani: Yeah, my choreography's not looking so offensive now, IS IT?

Ad break. A nation goes to set this show to recod on Channel 4+1 so that they may keep and treasure it forever.

Alan: Welcome back. Ed Sheeran will be singing later WAIT NO DON'T SWITCH OFF THE STRICTLY JUDGES ARE STILL HERE!
Drunk Alesha: Has moar booze.
Viewing audience: Hooray!
Alan: We can't talk about Strictly without mentioning X Factor...
Solitary but brilliant man in audience: Boos.
Alan: You must be over the moon that you're beating them.
Drunk Alesha: I genuinely don't look at it like that because I have seen how badly hubris has hit The X Factor this year and I am in no hurry for it to be my turn next.
Bruno: It is great though, isn't it?
Craig: Well, they're all wannabes, and--
Drunk Alesha: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT HUBRIS?
Craig: No, I mean, we've got celebrities on our show and they've got...
Drunk Alesha: Oh, I seeeee. Never mind, then.
Craig: Well, I say "celebrities"...
Drunk Alesha: Anyway, anybody who doesn't work for a PR company or a tabloid newspaper knows that it is perfectly possible to enjoy both shows and to be honest, I doubt the rest of the country could give a fuck.
The rest of the country: Lady's got a point.
Alan: I can't believe Drinky Drinky over here is the voice of reason. I had four stone cold sober X Factor judges on this show about a month ago and one of them actually tried to pretend your show didn't exist. Anyway, why do you think they've fucked it up this year? I mean, I could've asked them myself when they were here, but...well, y'know.
Drunk Alesha: They're focusing on the drama and not the contestants.
Steve: Remembers the rumours earlier this year about The X Factor trying to poach Alesha for their show, and is very glad that particular turn of events never materialised, given what we know now. If Alesha had been the one screaming that BixMix are REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE, he may never have recovered.

Alan: Alesha, you have turned from a fun drunk to a violent drunk with your talk of flaws on The X Factor.
Craig: Takes Alesha's beloved booze for himself.
Drunk Alesha: I keep just feeling like I'm having a gossip with my mates.
Viewing audience: Wants to be one of Alesha's mates.
Bruno: No one can be successful every year. Just look at series seven of our show. Sheesh, what a mess.
Drunk Alesha: And next year they'll be beating us again, and perhaps the year after that we'll beat them again. The important thing is that the three of us, right here, right now, are being professional and diplomatic about the whole thing, even though I'm wankered, because we're essentially nice people.
Viewing audience: Compares and contrasts this approach with that of Gary, Kelly, Tulisa and Louis a few weeks back, wonders if the X Factor judges might all be in fact self-serving tossers.
Drunk Alesha: JOG ON, CHRISTMAS!
Nobody: Has any idea what she's on about at this point.

Alan: Let's talk the technicalities of dancing, then.
Craig: FINALLY. My chance to shine!
Drunk Alesha: I still know the difference between the correct hand placement in a ballroom hold and the wrong one, even when I'm trollied.
Digital Spy forum posters: Ignore this entirely and start six more SACK ALESHA NOW threads.

Alan: What do I need to know in order to do the charleston?
Craig: Swivel, darling.
Steve: Bloody hell, he was only asking.
Drunk Alesha & Bruno: Mug away shamelessly behind this.
Craig: Come on, then.
Alan: Dons a hilarious costume.
Craig: Demonstrates the charleston, brilliantly.
Bruno: 7!
Drunk Alesha: 10!
The Internet: OH MY GOD OVERMARKING WTF.
Steve: All you people realise that you're basically just undermining your own argument here, right?
Alan: Teach me the paso doble!
Bruno: Does so.
Alan: Fetches a cape.
Bruno: Does some embarrassingly clumsy caping.
Drunk Alesha: 10!
Craig: 2.
Drunk Alesha: CRAIG! (Holds her paddle next to his.) Now it's 12.
Steve: Actually that way around it's 210.
The internet: MUMBLE GRUMBLE OVERMARKING ALESHA CLEARLY HAS HER FAVOURITES, DOESN'T SHE?
Craig: It's still a 2. You missed a lot of the appels, and I have my integrity, even on this show.
Drunk Alesha: But he made a really good bull!
Nancy & Anton: FFS, HE WAS THE CAPE!!
Alan: Right, I'm going to teach you the lambada. Cue the music! Oh, this is turning me on...

Alan runs to get a pint of milk and empty it all over himself as the dancer in the Argentinian clip did. Quite a lot of it goes over Craig's suit.

Drunk Alesha: 14!
Alan: That's it from the Strictly judges. Now, here's Ed Sheeran!
Steve: Switches off.

Savage justice

2011-12-03T12:24:00.006Z

Movie/Film Week!

Tx: 3rd December 2011

Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Strictly's Movie Week! Last week, we bade farewell to Anita, Robin and Brendan (again), while James Jordan made an utter mean-spirited arse of himself and his wife tried to distract everyone from her partner's inability through physical exposure. (Note to self and Steve: make a macro for the second half of that sentence in time for next series.) [Or we could just tell our readers to assume that's happening at all times unless otherwise stated? - Steve] Also on last week's episode, Holly deciding to put in some effort but still ending up in the bottom two; more awful acting from Chelsee and Pasha, which just enhanced their adorableness; and an appearance from someone with a title who's been a drain on public funds for years. But enough about Bruce - the Duchess of Cornwall also turned up, sat with Craig at rehearsal, and scored everyone a 9.

So this week it's Movie Week, which is an Americanised phrase we at SCB hate. However, it is likely to be a more successful Movie Week than The X Factor's annual disasters, which descend into squabbling about whether or not a song actually counts as "from a film" if a) it was just used in background music or b) nobody has ever seen the film.

What do we have in store, then? Caping! Sunglasses! Prosthetics! Personally I can barely contain my excitement. Shall we?

Yes, let's! Titles!

Ooh, and we begin with a group dance extravaganza to Saturday Night at the Movies, featuring Vincent and Flavia and a Big Red Door prop, and I find myself almost liking Len in the role of 'man at sparkly ticket office' because he's singing along and I feel sure he'd make a better job of the song than the Strictly singers. I am also enamoured of the fact that Anton and Erin are doing some ballroom up on the balcony in a Fred'n'Ging style, because they refuse to do anything that might possibly look newfangled. The routine ends with Vincent kissing Bruno, as everything really should do.

Here are Bruce and Tess, dressed as Morticia Addams for this festival of films. Brian Fortuna is in the audience. I'd forgotten he existed, if I'm honest. Bruce talks to some woman in the crowd, fucks up the autocue, and finally gets round to introducing the couples: Chelsee and Pasha (DRESSED AS SHREK); Holly and Artem; Robbie and Ola; Alex and James; Harry and Aliona; and Jason and Kristina. Bruce scouts through the line-up to ensure that Brendan hasn't sneaked back in, and then invokes the wondrous name of BLACKPOOL! BLACKPOOL! GLORIOUS BLACKPOOL! before introducing Rory McGrath as Future Head Judge Karen Hardy's guest tonight. McGrath kisses Karen. She looks singularly less impressed by the snog than she was when the Fonz kissed her, I'll tell you that much.

First up, Robbie and Ola. He says there was a lot to think about in last week's samba routine. Oh, Robbie, srsly? You wandered your way through it, then took your trousers off. It was textbook Ola. This week they have the quickstep to a song from Reservoir Dogs, so he and Ola and a random hairdresser pastiche the climatic scene using hairspray and hairdryers rather than guns. Ola, for all her qualities, is a very poor actress with dialogue. [There was something so-bad-it's-good about her acting for me, though. - Steve]

And Robbie doesn't seem to be able to walk in rhythm. Which is a bit of a problem in the quickstep. He's happier once in hold, and he forces the quickstep grin on to his face, but his feet just look messy, and his posture and hands are all over the place. Still, Ola is pleased and congratulates him, so perhaps he was worse in rehearsal.

Bruce greets our singers Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra, and welcomes the judges - A Star is Born (Alesha) and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Insert your own joke. Len makes a point of telling Robbie how much he likes him, because he is a SPORTSMAN, and then says the routine was rough round the edges. Alesha says it was cool and clean. Fuck knows what she was watching. Bruno liked the way he was walking - "a cross between Kate Moss and Russell Brand" - and then says "erect". Craig comments on the out-of-time nature of the first section and criticises his head position, and then likens it to a rabbit doing a trot. However, he liked the concept and the performance. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Jason looks surprised in the background.

Harry (in a Natalie Lowe scarf of awesome) and Aliona next. Last week, Harry felt, was amazing. He did not expect three 10s, but thinks there is room for improvement, and he was happy to win the swingathon. In rehearsal, Aliona punches him in the face, and then suggests he wear tights - "How about no?" comes the reply. The Sheriff of Rottingham, ie Brendan in a suit of armour, takes Aliona hostage and says that if Harry ever wants to dance with her again he must go to the forest and save her. Harry, don't go! Leave her in peril. Nobody cares about Aliona. We all want you to dance with Brendan anyway. [Aliona's growing on me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't rooting for Harry to pick Brendan. - Steve]

Anyway, they are rumbaing to Everything I Do I Do It For You. Harry has some nice hand shaping, Aliona grinds against him, I hate the rumba (I genuinely do. If it's performed badly then it's embarrassing; if it's performed well you feel like a voyeur, which isn't something I enjoy)...and on an important point, this is the worst the Strictly singers have performed all series, and as you know they're up against some stiff competition. But it's a good dance. Alesha thinks it is the best rumba by a male celebrity for some time (but then again that's not saying much). Bruno was apprehensive because the rumba can make or break a man. Craig notes the work that has been done on Harry's hip action and admires the tightness of his trousers. Len says that Harry's dreams will not be left on the cutting room floor. I would quite like everyone not to vote for Harry now, just to prove Len wrong. Scores - Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 36. Aliona is pretending she is not pissed off. She is less convincing than she was in the VT.

Now Alex and James. Last week they did a rubbish Charleston and James was a pissy little bitch. Alex tries to cover up his pissy little bitch-ness by being cute. This week they are doing an American Smooth, which apparently has "lifty bits", to the song Oh Pretty Woman, which necessitates a sketch in which he gives her his credit card and she goes shopping. Because all women are the same, you see, regardless of their hooker-ness.

Ooh, they have a table and chairs on the dance floor. And because Alex is a Pretty Woman, walking down the street, she does some walking around. Inspired choreography, Jordan. It's a nice routine, though; Alex looks good, although she trips over her skirt or something at some point. And then he gives her more jewellery (to buy her sexual favours). Ugh. Horrid film. Bruno tells Alex that she is gorgeous and admires her transitions in and out of lifts. Craig congratulates her for putting sexy into dance. Len says he loved it; Alesha says it had elegance and class, and Alex has consistently improved. Bruce then decides to give his opinion, like anybody gives a fuck about anything he says ever. Up with Tess, Alex looks like she is about to cry, and then James does a stupid camp voice and I want to punch him. Scores - Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

Holly and Artem now. She says that she gave it 100 per cent for her foxtrot last week, and it was the dance she is proudest of so far, so she was disappointed to be in the bottom two. But this week she is excited to do the paso, which she thinks fits her personality a bit more than "the fluffier stuff". Hey, here's a thought, Valance - ACT! Like you do in the Foster's ads. Anyway, they go fencing, and Holly slices Artem's shirt off. Oh, Kartem shippers, don't watch!

Artem is shirtless and caping; Holly is Zeta Jones-esque and appelling. Awesome. It's a fiery paso, with a H burning on the screens at the back, because they are dancing to the theme from Zorro. Craig says it's her personal best; Len says she is finishing the competition strongly; Alesha bashes the table in her excitement and scares Bruno; and then Bruno terrifies everybody by doing some flamenco. Len and Craig, meanwhile, are trying to pretend it's not happening. Scores - Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 38.

Jason and Kristina next. He was happy with last week and the scores, but he did think they would do better in the swingathon. Now that Anita has gone, he is now the oldest person in the competition, and clearly he is dealing with that brilliantly. They are dancing to Singin' In The Rain and apparently that means Jason now takes round his own personal raincloud. I don't really understand the logic of that VT, if there was supposed to be any. [Somehow, no matter how awful the other VTs are in a given week, Jason and Kristina's is always the worst. I don't even think it's their fault, so it's very strange. - Steve]

More importantly, Jason and Kristina have their own Prop Door and a prop lamp-post, which is important. He does a bit of soft-shoe, which is less offensive than when Tom bloody Chambers does it. Oddly, the bits when they're in hold look more awkward than the solo pieces and the tricksy lifts - perhaps because Jason has less of an opportunity to ham it up. Len witters about Gene Kelly; Alesha says Jason deserves to be in the semi-finals. Bruno says it was a huge risk to take on one of the best movies ever made "but you made it your own" - oh, come on, Bruno! Craig says it's getting boring now that everyone is good. HA. Scores - Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 10 for a total of 37.

Now Chelsee and Shrek!Pasha. Last week, Len scolded Chelsee for not acting enough; and she seems to think that was reasonable enough once she worked out what all the words meant. This week they are doing a jive, which necessitates a trip to the Theatre Royal Drury Lane to become Princess Fiona. Then they dance on the stage amidst random pieces of set.

Obviously, they're dancing to I'm A Believer, complete with a statue of a donkey on the floor, and complete with a very brave solo spot for Chelsee...and this is a really good routine. Chelsee looks sharp, and isn't being left behind by her partner as so many of the jives have done this year. [Especially considering how the rehearsal footage on It Takes Two looked...not promising, this was an utter triumph. - Steve] Bruno screeches about semi-finals; Craig says something about lifting knees up; Len talks about pickling his walnuts; Alesha brings out Arlene's much-missed ball of alliteration calling the routine playful and punchy - "you've found your dance." Scores - Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, and Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Chelsee and Shrek!Pasha leap around like the adorable children they are.

And that's it! The phone lines are now open, Tess tells us. Brendan has inveigled his way into the studio and is heckling as she introduces the recap. So who will make it through to the semi-finals? We will find out TOMORROW!

Results show

Ooh, more pro dance fuckery, complete with lack of apostrophe in the cards they're using to create a silent film style, which angers me more than is really appropriate. Anyway, it's a silent film pastiche, so obviously Charleston, positively replete with gurning. For one second I think the men are about to do a Chris Hollins tribute worm, but I am disappointed. [They did it on It Takes Two on Friday. Get it on iPlayer, it's right at the end. - Steve]

Because it is movie week, Tess has come dressed as an Oscar, all golden and sparkly, and then because Bruce is not here, she then introduces the judges with a comma missing - "Craig Len, Alesha and Bruno!" Claudia warns us that Alfie Boe is imminent.

So a montage from last night: Robbie looks a bit pissed off; Len reminds us that rumba is the hardest dance for men (this week); Alex says there is nothing worse than getting your dress caught on your heel, and thinks that perhaps she should dance in shorts and t-shirt; Holly screeches into the camera and declares, "Holy moly!"; Jason and Kristina feared that Craig would slag them, but then he didn't and they were happy; Chelsee bounced around and put a lot of strain on her dress, and says she didn't expect the 10s.

Right, some results. Who's safe? Alex and James ("How did that happen?" he asks, all class as usual), and Chelsee and Pasha (she blows kisses at everyone and nearly punches Pasha in the big green Shrek face with her excitement). Sadly, though, Jason and Kristina are in the bottom two. Bruno is very disappointed - "If he has to go, we all will miss him," he declares, calling him a "great, honest performer" and then proclaiming that it is "tragic". Oh fuck off, Hyperbole Man.

Claudia chats to the safe couples as usual, and Alex wonders if the votes have been counted properly. Chelsee hides her face in Shrek!Pasha's shirt and does the humble thang once again.

Right, Alfie Boe is about to sing a James Bond medley. I'm going to pour a glass of vodka. He's even brought his own dancers. Our professionals not good enough for you, Boe? Maybe you could explain that to Natalie. She's at least a foot taller than you. And she pretended to be a Bond girl last series. And she was more convincing at it than you are at being James Bond, even if you do have a tux with an undone bow tie.

From one pointless depressing filler segment to another - the judges with Claudia, featuring Len's Lens. Before Jason and Kristina danced, Bruno called her "gorgeous". I'm not sure why this is supposed to be funny. Kristina is gorgeous. Is it because Bruno is a gay? Len calls Chelsee "an absolute crackerjack"; Alesha says she could feel Holly's determination (fnar). Craig talks about how brilliant Kristina is at choreographing - "she always choreographs for the celebrity," he claims - while Claudia and Bruno sob about how sad it was that Alex caught her dress on her heel. Then we are forced to sit through Len singing to Saturday Night at the Movies - which is much less endearing than it was when you couldn't actually hear him in the opening number last night. Bruno and Craig die of hysteria.

More results? I think so. Also safe - Harry and Aliona (which is not really a shock, surely?); but in the bottom two - Robbie and Ola. This means Holly and Artem are safe and through to the semi-finals. Len puts on his sad face and says he does not want Robbie to go because he is a SPORTSMAN and Len loves SPORTSMEN. Ah, I'm glad he reminded us. We haven't heard that enough this series.

More pro dancing? I think so. This one's a lovely Rat Pack-themed ballroom number, featuring Dame Natalie Lowe and Brendan Rentapro Cole being TALL and awesome, with Vincent, Flavia and Erin and Anton. Hurrah!

Back to Claudia and her particular brand of insightful interviews, where Jason is talking as if they are about to be shot, and Kristina is crying. Robbie says this has been the best experience of his life, and it wouldn't be fair if they went through and Jason and Kristina didn't, because they are better. Jason shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for saying that," before doing more embarrassingly humble platitudery and then some VTs which say basically the same thing.

So who will go? It's the moment of truth. And it's Robbie and Ola to go. Rightly so, obviously. Robbie whines about people thinking he is horrible but now he hopes that they will think he is an ordinary decent guy. He then remembers to thank Ola. Sigh. The other couples flood on to the dance floor, and poor Shrek!Pasha is detracting slightly from the solemnity of the occasion. Hey ho.

So we're down to the semi-finals, and Steve, God love him, will guide you through that particular delight. See you next week!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-11-28T22:23:00.005Z

- When she first started training, Anita fell over every time she turned around, apparently. This is why she never attempted the maze at Hampton Court Palace - she'd have been there for hours.
- Rent-A-Pro is looking to partner either Jason or Harry in the final. HARRY PLZ, THX.
- Craig thinks Harry has a chance of getting a 10 from him in the next few weeks. As long as he sorts his dodgy left foot and sticky-up thumb out.
- 'Sayonara' is another word that Craig says with a very odd inflection.
- Craig has advised Jason not to do any more kicks in his routines because they're just clearly not working out for him.
- The decision to kick Robbie out of the swingathon first was unanimous amongst the judges.
- This year's pro dancer challenge is to see who can do the most botafogos in 30 seconds, to see if any of them can break the world record. Natalie went first, and managed 63 (with no disqualifications), Aliona got 64 (with 5 of her original total being disallowed for not being fully into the floor - always a rule-breaker, that Aliona), Erin got 51 (no confirmation given on whether she had any disqualifications or not), Ola got 64 (with no disqualifications)
- James thinks people voted for Alex's charleston because they thought it definitely didn't deserve a six. I personally didn't vote, but I can understand that train of thought: personally I thought it deserved a five at the most.
- Pretty Woman is not James's favourite movie. Neither is Ghost.
- Hats are a nemesis to any dancer, according to Karen. She should get together with Gareth Gates and form some sort of anti-hat league.
- All the couples had a say in what they wore for the swingathon.
- "Just because something is released recently doesn't mean it's new." Actually, Artem, it sort of does.
- The phrase "B Movie" means something very different where Holly comes from.
- Holly can't handle any more of Artem's pole. FNAR.
- Ian has had lots of smaller partners in the past. FNAR AGAIN.
- No male celebrity in the history of the show has ever got a 10 for the rumba. (Unless we're counting Christmas specials, in which case Matt Di Angelo got three.)
- The cameras didn't actually catch Jason's "disahhhhhstrous" kick section during his charleston.
- Ola can't say Reservoir Dogs.
- Robbie thinks that if he made the final, then Ola would be the first female pro to make it to the final twice. Poor Erin and Lilia - so much for their legacy. :(
- Holly's been looking forward to the paso doble since the beginning of the competition. Could we have finally found the one thing she's actually invested in?
- Aliona was not nodding when Craig said that Harry had a lazy left foot; she was convulsing with laughter.
- Harry feels a compulsion to sing and/or drum along to 'Everything I Do (I Do It For You)'.
- Harry first started to go to "black-tie events" around the age of 12. SO VERY MIDDLE CLASS.
- Zoe wants to do Celebrity Wife Swap with Tom from McFly.
- Chris Hollins rehearsed his paso doble so much that he got cape burn.
- Audley, Dan, Jason and Rory all asked Chris what it takes to win Strictly. He gave them his advice. Only one of them is still in the competition.
- Holly thinks she and Craig share a similar dry, sarcastic sense of humour. GIVE THESE TWO A SITCOM NOW.
- Watching James and Artem recreate the "swimming" part of Chris and Ola's charleston is disappointly unerotic.

Dob be gone to me

2011-11-27T12:40:00.008Z

Top 7: 26th November 2011

Last week: ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY! It was the biggest ever Strictly on record and raised lots of money for charity, which is of course to be applauded, but it was also kind of epically rubbish and involved almost everyone getting a bit dwarfed by their surroundings, to the point where Alex Jones managed to top the leaderboard. Alex Jones! I mean, I like her and everything, but that's just madness. Meanwhile, in the greatest result of the series so far, people finally tired of Russell Grant's aggressive humility and obnoxious need to be the centre of attention at all times, and invited him to climb back into that fucking cannon and fire himself right out of the competition. Hooray British public! Incidentally, the music editors - excelling themselves as always - choose to soundtrack this turn of event with Cee-Lo Green's 'Forget You', showing Russell peeking through Flavia's legs on "forget you" and the upside down Flavia on "forget her too". I laugh at this for two solid minutes, and make a mental note to send them a Christmas present this year to thank them for all the joy they've given me.

This week: the Duchess of Cornwall turned up and apparently knew stuff about the show, which is lovely, and now "the magnificent seven" (oh dear) are coming out with "all guns blazing". They've got two dances this week, except one of them is the swing-a-thon, so it's more like one-and-a-half, if that. Shots of rehearsal footage (hey, remember that?) are shown to illustrate how excited/scared everyone is of the impending high-octane dance-off, and as always, Holly looks like she couldn't give less of a shit if she were constipated. Hooray for Holly!

Titles! Can we cut Russell Grant out of these as well please?

We're back in Television Centre, thank GOD, and we have a Bruce and also a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: bizarre, quite frankly. There's a pink halter top that just about reaches the underside of her boobs, and then the rest of her is covered up in a navy blue floor-length skirt accessorised with a gold belt. None of these things are particularly offensive in their own right, but as an ensemble it doesn't work in the slightest. Bruce barks at the audience to be seated, so that he can insist they all get up again at the end of every performance later. Tess opines that Wembley was "great", and Bruce cracks a laboured and unfunny joke. It's nice that things are back to normal, isn't it?

Bruce and Tess remind us that each couple dances twice tonight, and Tess giggles excitedly as she predicts that it "could be carnage". This is about the most invested in the show Tess has ever sounded, and it happens at a time when she's hoping for disaster and injury. I think this is a side of Tess I could get on board with, you know. Time to meet the stars of our show, then: Chelsee and Pasha, the latter of whom is in a velvet smoking jacket and doing funny things to me already; Holly and Artem, in another red-and-black colour scheme which could be an attempt to recapture the glory days of their jive; Harry and Aliona, in a light-blue/dark-blue/red colour scheme that does neither of them any favours, to be honest; Anita and Rent-A-Pro Brendan Cole; Robbie and Ola's Boobs (seriously, they are ready to take someone's eye out tonight); Alex and James, dressed as pistachio-flavour ice-cream; and Jason and Kristina, giving me new and fertile ground on which to test my "never trust a man dressed in white" theory.

As Bruce and Tess read out the rules once more, I'm struck by the idea that Tess's styling, in both the hair and costume areas, is intended to suggest Beyoncé this week. Maybe it's just the way she's standing. Either way, I don't think it quite works, but it's nice that they had a go, at least. Tess informs us that Karen Hardy is joined by Sara Cox this week. Typical - the one week I'd actually be quite interested to hear the guest commenter's opinions (what? I love Sara Cox, sue me) is the week I wasn't actually at home to watch the show live. Life can be so cruel.

Our first couple for the week is Anita and Brendan. Bruce explains that Robin is injured and that is why Brendan's here, before running through a long and complicated explanation of Brendan's history of coupling on the show this year, which would've been funnier if he hadn't been quite so obviously peering at the autocue throughout. In her VT, Anita recalls how joyous it was to have 6000 people cheering her on last week at WEMBLEY, and how she thought "you're never going to get this opportunity again", perhaps sharing the opinion of many viewers that she was likely to have been eliminated last week. However, like Elton John, St Jill of Halfpenny, Harry Judd, Our Fabulous Singers Dave Arch, And His Wonderful Orchestra, she's still standing, better than she ever did. Whether she's dancing better than she ever did, on the other hand, we're yet to discover. This week, Robin's dead or ill or something, and that's cue for a comic-style section in which Professional Dancer and Superhero Brendan Cole is summoned to the rescue of poor desperate Anita so that she may continue to dance. He rehearses in a suit of armour, which leads me to suspect that it's not actually Brendan at all, but that Russell Grant secretly poisoned Robin's foot and staged this whole thing just so he could sneak back onto the show in disguise. Give it up, Russell, you know you'll just give yourself away the second you insist on thanking THE WONDERFUL MAKE-UP TEAM WHO HAVE JUST BEEN SO WONDERFUL AND SUPPORTIVE TO LITTLE OLD ME. Meanwhile, Anita reminds us that the Duchess of Cornwall came to visit and called her an inspiration to older women. Apparently the DoC (that's what I'm calling her now) scored everyone's rehearsals, and gave them all nines. Somewhere in the USA, Jennifer Grey is clearly not watching any of this, but no doubt internally cackling at the idea that she's somehow managed to be the more discerning guest judge of the series. Anita vows to do her best for Robin, and sends him get well soon wishes.

She and Brendan are dancing the cha-cha-cha to 'Uptown Girl'. Rhythmically it's good, but there's not a lot of bounce in Anita's footwork. It may be for this reason that the whole dance just feels a little bit lifeless - the energy is lacking, and frequently the top half of Anita's body feels like a bit of an afterthought, there's not enough definition in her free arm, and while Brendan is giving it a suitable amount of Brendanity, the whole thing just comes off a bit muddled. Obviously I appreciate that it's hard to dance with a new partner, and probably even harder for Anita than it was for Holly, because I think Anita was probably far more invested in (a) the competition and (b) her partner than Holly ever was, but all the same, this is a let-down, sadly. Brendan's microphone is live at the end, so we hear him screaming "well done you!" the second it ends, which is sweet.

A woman behind Bruce steadfastly refuses to participate in the standing ovation, which amuses me. Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers and orchestra, as well as the judges. Bruce reminds us that last week we witnessed Len dancing with Craig, and tells Len it was very funny, before pulling out a card and reading to Craig that "you need to work on your heel leads and your arm placement, darling." Somehow the use of the card made that at least twice as funny. Len commends Brendan on coming to Anita's rescue, and says that he loved the routine and that it was full of content, saying that she coped well with the solo actions, but she needs to straighten her legs more in order to get better hip action. Alesha, whose hair is looking excellent this week, though the abundance of purple eyeshadow is making her look kind of sleepy, says that she has similar issues with this routine to those she had last week: it was a bit messy in places, and she's still not sure if Anita's embodying the spirit of it all through her body rather than her face, but it was "pleasant" and had "lots of basic steps". That's Alesha-speak for "I loathed it", isn't it? GIVE IT A TWO, ALESHA, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! Bruno liked the liveliness of it and the abundance of content, as well as the chemistry of Brendan. "Brendan goes with everything," he purrs, as though he's wondering how well Brendan might go with Bruno later. He agrees that she needs to stretch the back of her legs in order to get more precision. Craig thinks it lacked pressure on the balls of the feet and a lack of sharpness in her finishes, as well as no true dynamic, but he thought she had fantastic turns. Bruno disagrees with the critical parts of this and starts chatting to someone behind him, asking what they think. Oh Bruno, you adorable weirdo. Bruce tells Brendan that he's "irreplaceable", and dispatches them up to the Tess Circle. Which, incidentally, is located to the left, to the left.

Anita says it's been an amazing week, and thanks Brendan for helping out. She gives us a Robin Status Update, saying that he's much better, but just frustrated not to be here. Tess asks Brendan about tactics for the swingathon, and Brendan says that anything goes. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Tess reads out a "message" (i.e. tweet) from Robin: "I'm so overwhelmingly proud of Anita, that was FABULOUS, it's so hard being this side of the TV." I notice that Erin, Anton, Natalie and Katya are all visible in the background. Intriguing.

Next are Holly and Artem. Bruce tells a terrible joke, Holly rolls her eyes and shakes her head at it. British public, I despair of you: how could you let this woman be in the bottom two? We NEED HER. In possibly the finest work the music editors have done all year, Holly's VT is soundtracked with Transvision Vamp's 'Baby I Don't Care'. [This was amazing. - Carrie] She needs to cover that for her alleged upcoming third studio album. Hey, it worked for Jennifer Ellison. Holly says that hearing about her lack of commitment every week is getting frustrating (credit to her for saying this without laughing out loud) and that being in the bottom two last week made it "an exciting night". Artem says that she needs to get over trying to be safe, and in training, tells her to "go full-out this time, please." Holly, groaning: "That was my full-out." Heeheehee. Holly wonders why she can't let go. I'm surprised they don't get eminent psychologist Dr Pamela Stephenson in to help her through this...oh no, wait, I'm totally not. Obviously, this VT has been far too focused on actual rehearsal, and we can't have that, so it's LOLZ TIME! Holly pretends to have been very hurt by "this time in high school" (committing to "internal anguish" about as much as she committed to "devastated to being in the bottom two") and we flash back to a school disco where Holly was a nerd who danced crazily, and Artem (in school uniform, looking attractive in an entirely inappropriate way) refused to dance with her for that reason. Then we go back to rehearsals, impressively quickly, and Holly expresses her "hope" that the judges see her committing to the foxtrot this week.

They're dancing to 'Mamma Knows Best' by overexposed annoyance Jessie J, and making the vampiest entrance in the show's history. It's lovely, but the problem is that it is the build-up to a foxtrot, and foxtrots are boring. Artem's done his best to make it choreographically interesting, with a partial neck-drop that leads into a kick section and stuff like that, but it's still a foxtrot. Still, Holly has actually delivered on her promise to look like she actually remembers where she is this week - who knew? Afterwards, Bruce asks Artem how he is, and Artem says he's great, with Holly adding "he's doing really well", which makes it sound like she's the one teaching him to dance and cracks me up all over again.

Alesha thought it was seductive, demure and alluring, and while she wasn't sure the song would work with this style of dance, but Holly owned it. Bruce calls her a "sassy teaser", and loved that she went from vamping to restrained intensity in the routine, giving him everything he wanted to see. Craig was concerned by the music too, finding it detrimental, but he thought the routine was fantastic. Len says "there was a time that I was a bit of a funketeer" (LOL NO) and that the bit of foxtrot she did was good, but what your eyes were seeing and what your ears were hearing didn't really match up. I love that the feedback for this dance was largely "I liked it, but please don't let Jessie J ruin our show ever again." I must admit, as much as I'm hoping The Voice UK will break the BBC's poor track record with adapted formats (Fame Academy, So You Think You Can Dance, etc), knowing that she'll be there throughout going "MORE ATTENTION? DON'T MIND IF I DO! (IT LIKE A MAN DEM MAN DEM ETC)" all the way through is worrying me a lot. [I have no idea who Jessie J is. I'm middle-aged and proud of it. - Carrie]

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Holly if she felt she had a point to prove after last week's trip to the bottom two. That was pretty much the whole point of her VT, Tess. Pay attention. Holly says that she just wanted to let go and do as she was told for once, and she thinks she did; Artem concurs. Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Holly is very happy with that. Tess brings up the whole "seven people left" thing again and asks who feels lucky tonight, gesturing behind her. No one responds, and Holly finds this hilarious.

Next, we have Alex and James - on in the first half of the show again. Actually-quite-good Brucie joke ahoy: "Alex is desperate to get through to next week. I said, 'is that because you want to be one step nearer the final?' She said, 'no, it'll be my turn to dance with Brendan.'" Alex found Wembley nerve-wracking but a great experience, and was amazed by the comments she got from Craig, and when the nines started coming out, she thought she was going to pass out. This week, she's got the charleston, which she's been keen to do ever since signing up for the competition, but training does not seem to be going brilliantly. "The dream dance is turning into a bit of a nightmare," admits Alex. She explains that her arms and legs are (unintentionally) moving in different directions, and that it's a bit like trying to pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time - and to prove her point, she attempts to do just that and fails. Oh, Alex. You're hopeless, but darn it if you haven't completely won me over on this show. The VT ends, without a comedy skit in sight. Blimey.

They're dancing to 'Me And My Baby' from Chicago. There's a lot of business involving bowler hats at the beginning. The actual dancing is interesting, because while the charleston is obviously supposed to be all about the rubber limbs, Alex's Olive Oyl-style flailing somehow manages to still not quite be precise enough to look good. James suggests that his bag of charleston choreography tricks is rather limited by pulling out a lift remarkably similar to one that he did with Pamela Stephenson last year, where Alex goes over his shoulders and holds onto his back, upside-down, with her legs in the air. Dismounting from this proves to be a particular challenge for Alex. Then, bizarrely, she and James put on new hats from nearby hatstands, at which point Hat No. 2 possesses Alex and makes her really quite good at the charleston. I don't entirely understand it. Unfortunately, after about thirty seconds, this hat is discarded too and swapped for a top hat, at which point Alex loses all of her skills again. Is there a number I can call to vote for Hat No. 2? I think it's earned a next place in next week's competition.

Bruno thinks it had a goofy, vaudevillian feel to it, though he thought Alex lost timing on her swivel. Saucy. Craig felt Alex took a step backwards tonight, because her precision and finishes went out the window. He doesn't think she properly understood the dance and the way that everything needs to be exaggerated. Len thought it was fun and entertaining with a lot going on, though he agrees that it was lacking in detail. Alesha loved the quirkiness of it and thinks the charleston could've been made for a personality like Alex's. She adds that she's loving the partnership that Alex and James have developed.

They skip up to the Tess Circle, where Alex says that she loved it and would happily do it all over again. James pulls a positively Len-worthy face in response to Craig's criticism of it as "mediocre" and bitches about how everyone else likes them, so it's obviously just Craig who needs to get a sense of humour. *IRONY KLAXON SOUNDS* Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 29. James thinks it was better than the score it got, because obviously he's entirely impartial in this scenario, and reminds us that he's "a very honest person". I must be further estranged from the truth than Rebekah Brooks (POLITICAL SATIRE!) then, because if anything I thought the judges were being generous. That routine was about one-third of a good charleston, at the absolute most.

Next we have Robbie and Ola. Another half-way decent Brucie joke: Robbie's considering doing Who Do You Think You Are?, because I likes the idea of a whole show devoted to looking at his roots. Hey, I promised that I'd only recap the gags if they were funny, and I think the scriptwriters were on form tonight, so I'm just being a man of my word. I'm like James Jordan; I can't help being real. Last week, Robbie felt like Robbie Williams (by which I assume he means bloated, prone to embarrassing himself on stage, and inexplicably keen on Jonathan Wilkes). He gave his performance last week everything, and says that his next target is BLACKPOOL. Good grief, are we BLACKPOOL-ing already? When just last week you were telling WEMBLEY that it was the one? You are such a player, Robert William Savage. This week, rather than training, Robbie and Ola went to visit his parents, because his father is ill so they can't make it down to the show every week. Robbie's mum is over the moon to see him dancing, and says that she was quite the dancer in her day, but not so much any more. It is established that Robbie's relationship with his mum is one in which he is a sarky git and she slaps his arm every time he gives her cheek. Sounds familiar.

They're dancing the samba to 'You Sexy Thing'. We get a very early indication that this routine is not going to be very good when it opens with Robbie standing in one place, vaguely wafting his arms and hips about while Ola cavorts around him. That's how you know Ola's inspiration for this routine was "will this do?" [Honestly, I hadn't listened to much of the VT and it took me a good 45 seconds to work out this was supposed to be a samba. - Carrie] His grasp of the rhythm of the routine is pretty good, but the dancing itself is pretty feeble - arm placement is poor, bounce is minimal, hips are static. The highlight of the routine by far is during one of the running promenades where Robbie grabs Ola's boob instead of her hip, and without batting an eyelid or missing a beat, she removes his hand and places it firmly where it is supposed to be. For a second I wondered if it was intentional, given the song they're dancing to, but somehow I imagine it would've been played far more obviously for laughs if that had been the case. It all goes downhill from there, as Robbie pulls off his trousers to reveal a pair of football shorts. Laaaaaaaame. [Oh, Ola and her gimmicks. - Carrie]

They wander over to Bruce, and Robbie hollers something to the effect of "I GRABBED YOUR BOOB!" into Ola's ear, thinking he's being far quieter than he actually is. Bruce - paying attention for once - asks what he said, and Ola is all "NOTHING, HE SAID NOTHING" very very quickly. Heeeeee. Craig is not looking impressed, and says that the bounce was way too exaggerated but at least it was there. He says that Robbie's fingers still look like they belong in a ten-pin bowling hall (Craig is from the 1950s, apparently) and that the ending was insane and served no purpose. Len calls it a "shamba" - there was a lot of good samba content in there, but they had to ruin it with all the faffing at the end. Up in the Tess Circle, Aliona prepares to launch herself at him until she realises that, on this occasion, he's directing that criticism at someone else. Alesha likes that Robbie is relaxed and having fun, and there were some nice moments in the dance and he was entertaining. Bruno makes sordid underwear comments, and says that it was a rather heavy samba, and suggests that Robbie makes a better stripper than dancer.

They run up to the Tess Circle where Robbie readjusts his shorts. On live, primetime BBC1. Robbie attempts to crack a joke about Ola deserving better scores than the judges gave her - clearly an attempt to riff on James's whining earlier, but since no scores have been given out yet, and Robbie's comic timing is about as subtle as his performing, it falls completely flat. Scores: Craig 5, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 25. "Oh dear," says Ola. Tess, in a rare display of skilled deadpan, says, "Someone behind me just said 'great hand placement' - don't know what they're talking about." Then she ruins it by honking "NO, YOU MOVED IT AWAY OLA, WELL DONE!" Oh, Tess. You were doing so well.

Chelsee and PASHA! are next. Pasha waves to us with one eyebrow. Brucie joke: refers to his ability to get an erection, and therefore is DEFINITELY not getting recapped. Chelsee was joint-top last week at Wembley (with Alex, but still...) and doesn't think she deserved to be there, but is happy to accept it if that's what the judges are offering. This week they've got the Argentine Tango, which Chelsee fears is "cheesy" and not her at all. Pasha worries that she sees him more brotherly, and not "that hot guy that she's lusting after". This would make Chelsee the only straight woman in the country who feels this way, if it were true. Chelsee assures us that it's not Pasha's fault, she's just not a passionate person. Clearly reading my mind, she attempts to console Pasha: "I'm probably the only girl that don't want you though, Pash, if that makes you feel any better." Heh. Then, hideous VT in which Pasha attempts to become the man of her dreams. It demeans us all, so I'm going to gloss right over it.

Wikipedia informs me that they are dancing to 'Una Musica Brutal'. Their set is an odd combo of Scott Maslen's jive door and one of Holly Valance's Viennese waltz lampposts. It's a bit of a disappointing performance, actually - Chelsee's balance seems a little off in several places, and some of the ganchos are a bit limp. There are some nice pivots, though, and some decent footwork. Shame that Chelsee's looking at her feet through so much of it.

Brucie calls her a "little gem" and invites Len to give her some feedback. Len thinks it was good, but wonders why someone who purports to be an actress struggles so much to generate passion for the purposes of a routine - "you don't have to elope with the guy." Chelsee does not know that this word means. "You don't have to marry him," Alesha supplies, helpfully. Len is a douche about Chelsee not knowing what elope means, but says that it was the best dance of the night, but he wanted to see more intensity. Alesha thinks it was technically strong and sharp, but she wants her to lose her inhibitions, because she thinks that will take Chelsee to the next level. Bruno calls her "a goody goody little girl", and likes her precision and shaping, but he wants her to be "badder" and demonstrates on poor Alesha once again, who has taken to actively pulling away from him when he starts doing this. After finishing his critique of Chelsee, he apologises to Alesha, and she says she's used to it. Craig says that the A-frame was missing, but it was a difficult routine and Chelsee coped brilliantly.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Chelsee if she's got it in her to badder. Chelsee: "Of course I can be badder, I just don't know if I could do it on telly." HAHAHAHAHA! Amazing. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. She and Pasha crack up about what she just said, and it's adorable.

Our penultimate couple of the evening are Jason and Kristina. Brucie joke: not worth transcribing (we were doing so well, too). Last week: Jason's intended Halfpenny-beating jive didn't quite come off and he ended up on the wrong leg. He's gutted about letting the side down. His training VT opens with him breathing on the camera and sketching a J into it. Can I be the first to say "EW"? He explains that the charleston is all about smiling and getting the facial expressions right. Oh God, this means we're on a non-stop train to Gurning Junction, aren't we? Kristina says that Jason really needs to sell the dance, which segues into our Obnoxious Jason Comedy VT Of The Week, where he's playing a cheese home-shopping salesman trying to...sell the charleston. This might be the worst VT ever. I think it actually gave me the clap.

They're dancing to 'Yes Sir, That's My Baby' and...it's not good. Kristina appears to be doing pretty much all the charleston parts of it, and Jason just gurns in the background and joins in occasionally. In the midst of all this, the two of them are pulling some of the most terrifying faces this side of NOT TAKE MIRROR! It just feels like Kristina choreographed two separate charlestons, and they're doing one each - there's nothing particularly wrong with either of them, but they don't work side by side. Mind you, I'm always a harsh judge on the charleston, because I always rate it in comparison to the greatest charleston ever (and if you think that is a link to Chris Hollins, you don't know me at all), and inevitably most other routines are found wanting.

Bruno found it high energy and exuberant, and he was impressed with the expressions - "nobody can accuse you of using Botox" - though there was a tiny mistake. Bruce, apparently getting a bit confused: "Okay, Jason? ...And Kristina. Now, then: Craig?" Craig was willing it to be perfect but then there was "that disastrous kick section". He thought it was a real charleston, though. Len has nothing to add that Craig and Bruno haven't already said. Alesha loved the character and energy, and compliments Jason on all of his hard work paying off.

Up in the Tess Circle, Jason says that he really enjoyed it. Tess hilariously refers to the routine as "character acting" and Jason gets all thespian about how that's the greatest place to start. Yeah, I'm sure that served him well on Echo Beach. Tess asks what they have up their sleeves for movie week, and the answer is "MOAR CHARACTERISATION." Dear God. Scores are in: nines all round for a total of 36.

Our final couple of the evening are Harry and Aliona. Last week, Wembley was scary and exhilarating, but now he thinks they'll have to pull out all the stops to succeed with only seven couples left. In training, Harry points out that the quickstep has lots of different rhythms, and how it's hard to get back together if you lose your place. In order to test his footwork and rhythm, Aliona takes him to play on one of those giant electronic piano keyboards that you jump around on. See, it's little things like this which make me warm to her, because I would LOVE THAT. They start out with 'Chopsticks', and then Aliona challenges him to play their song for this week, 'Don't Get Me Wrong' by the Pretenders. Harry decides instead to just tit around and do acrobatics, as you would in this scenario. Then we see him drumming with his feet. My hatred of feet is well-documented, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't find this quite impressive.

The good news is that Aliona has delivered on her promise from It Takes Two this week to give Harry a solid quickstep entirely in hold (apart from the last five seconds, but I'll allow her that much) with no weird gimmicks. Hooray! They cover the floor impressively, there are lots of complicated, intricate steps, and the whole thing is both well-controlled and natural-looking. Harry's gritting his teeth a bit too much, but apart from that, it's pretty flawless. This one might just be a game-changer.

There's what appears to be a unanimous standing ovation, and Craig opens for the judges by saying that Harry has a lazy left foot (Bruno does an epic facepalm at this), saying that it's strangely sickled and pigeon-toed, but that's the only thing he could find wrong with it. Len loved the sway of it, and says that he thinks that the highest mark he's given Harry all series is an eight, but he might just get a nine tonight. Alesha says that her favourite moment as a judge is being able to just sit back and enjoy the show, which is what Harry gave her tonight. Bruno loved the assurance, polish and detail, and he loved the sway. Bruce compliments Aliona for her work, and on this occasion I think it's richly deserved.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks if he's picturing the glitterball trophy, and Harry does the very diplomatic "not at all, taking it week-by-week, everyone else is so good, just happy to be here" answer. Tess asks if they've got enough energy left for the swingathon. Harry, panting: "Hopefully. It's in a few minutes, isn't it?" Heh. This is the night where it really doesn't pay to be on last, I suppose. Scores are in: Craig 9, Len: "Sorry Harry, no 9. It's a 10 from me!" (Aliona screams, as well she might), Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. It's the highest score of the series, and Harry says that Aliona's amazing. James Jordan, Official Score Adjudicator, says that it's a "deserved" score. THANKS FOR THAT, JAMES, GLAD YOU APPROVE. Tess ushers Harry and Aliona off to get changed for the swingathon. James tackles Robbie, apparently a little over-keen.

Pre-Swingathon-VT: Len explains that swing is basically a fast energetic jive with a bit of lindyhop and jitterbug mixed in. They'll be looking for couples who can give a real high-energy performance and maintain it from the start to the end. He confirms that there are no rules (like anyone apart from Craig would bother enforcing them even if there were) and they just need to go out there and wow the judges. Alex points out that if you have no rhythm, you can just push someone over. The first couple kicked off will get an extra 1 point, the second couple will get 2, and so on until the last couple standing get an extra 7 points. James and Brendan vow to double-team the others.

Bruce and Tess run through the scores again, and Len advises the couples to get into their own areas and really focus, keeping the energy high throughout. Tess explains that she's filling because Harry and Aliona aren't quite ready (professional!) and asks Bruno how hard it is to maintain the intensity with 14 people on the floor. Bruno says that it's like a catfight, and you can't allow yourself to get distracted and lose your timing. "You have to stand out for the right reasons - it's ruthless!" he assures us.

Everyone heads out onto the floor to dance to 'Chattanooga Choo Choo', and these things are always hell to recap, but I'll do my best. Early signs: Holly is already not caring in the slightest, Jason has already fallen out of sync with Kristina, Alex and James and Robbie and Ola are preferring to rely on lifts and showboating. The first couple kicked out is...Robbie and Ola. Anita does a handstand into a lift, which is quite impressive, Holly and Artem seem to be sticking to a fairly repetitive set of moves, Aliona is peering through Harry's legs but not singing "mashed potato" as far as I can tell. The second couple kicked out is Anita and Brendan. Holly's just laughing at this point. The third couple kicked off is Holly and Artem. Jason and Kristina seem to be getting muddled, Chelsee does a lift, Harry does some sort of backflip. Jason and Kristina are kicked off in fourth position. Harry and Aliona are leaping all over the place, Alex looks as though she's getting a bit tired, and Alex and James are the next couple to leave, so it's between Chelsee and Pasha and Harry and Aliona for the top spot. Both are giving it a damn good go, but Harry and Aliona choose this moment to unleash some pretty nice jive steps, so Chelsee and Pasha are booted off, and Harry and Aliona win. They celebrate with an air cartwheel, an assisted backflip and a regular cartwheel. Aliona is very excited, Harry is very exhausted, bless him.

Craig says that they had impressive stamina and athleticism that impressed the judges. Alesha says that it wasn't so much that there was anything wrong with Robbie and Ola that caused them to go out first, but that everyone was doing so well and not everyone can stand out.

Shall we look at the leaderboard, then? It looks a little bit (actually, a lot) like this:

First place: Harry and Aliona (39 + 7 = 46)
Second place: Chelsee and Pasha (35 + 6 =41)
Third place: Jason and Kristina (36+ 4 = 40)
Fourth place: Holly and Artem (34 + 3 = 37)
Fifth place: Alex and James (29 + 5 = 34)
Sixth place: Anita and Brendan (30 + 2 = 32)
Seventh place: Robbie and Ola (25 + 1 = 26)

Well, at least this year it actually made a difference to some of the rankings. Unlike last year.

The phone lines are now open! Recap: Anita being a girl who will soon be going uptown, that being the general direction of home, Jessie J ruining everyone's life during Holly's quickstep, Hat No. 2 providing sterling support to Alex's charleston, Robbie's Samba of Wandering Hands, Chelsee getting both a dance lesson and a vocabulary lesson, Jason and Kristina instructing us to NOT TAKE MIRROR!, and Harry and Aliona finally winning Len over.

Bruce trips over his words while reminding us that next Saturday will be Movie Night, but not everyone will get that far. Someone's going home tomorrow, but who will it be?

Results: 27th November 2011

We open with a pro dance, naturally, to Adele's 'Rolling In The Deep', otherwise known as her only bearable song, and even then only when it's anyone other than Adele singing it. It involves Pasha and Katya (in white) and Brendan and Natalie (in black), doing something that's a mix between an American smooth and a tango as best I can tell, and basically being filthy with each other. I swear at one point Pasha actually licks Natalie's cheek. Anyway, it's highly enjoyable.

Tess arrives in a dark sequinned dress that's a little on the mumsy side and reminds us that there was a swingathon last night in addition to everything else that happened. She introduces the judges, as well as Claudia, who reminds us that we have Len's Lens to look forward to, as well as Cee-Lo Green and a Viennese waltz from Anton and Erin.

Time for a recap, to the strains of 'Moog-Like Jagger'. Anita and Brendan gave us their cha-cha-cha and seemed fairly chuffed with how it went backstage. Anita thinks Brendan is her knight in shining armour, though the armour is probably getting less shiny every time he gets it out, to be honest. Holly got good notes for her foxtrot if we don't count the music, and Len admits that he was determined not to like it because Jessie J is hideous, but he couldn't help him. James stropped out after Craig's comments, claiming that Craig is WRONG about her taking a giant step back and Alex insists she didn't make any mistakes. No, you just didn't do it very well, dear. Len doesn't understand why Robbie had to take his trousers off. Len thinks Chelsee could've easily been a 10, though Chelsee seems happy enough to have been given 9s. Pasha asks Chelsee if she wants to go and practise passion. I WILL IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO, PASHA. Jason sings 'The One And Only' after his comments from the judges, and paws at the camera like a mad thing. Len thinks Harry was brilliant, and Aliona is chuffed to have earned the first 39 of the series, while Harry is too pooped to speak. Then there was the swingathon, in which seven couples danced and no one could see much of what was going on, but it was fun enough and Harry and Aliona won it.

Tess has got the results in her hands, so it's time to reveal who is safe this week. In no particular order, those couples are: Harry and Aliona, Chelsee and Pasha and Jason and Kristina. The first couple landing in this week's bottom two is...Holly and Artem. "AGAIN?" hoots Holly. Hee.

Tess asks Bruno if he's disappointed to see her in the bottom two again. "BITTERLY!" spits Bruno. He says that it was one of the best performances she's ever given, and she had to put sequences into it (probably not personally) that were very difficult because it was not a traditional song. He points out that she did what they asked for, and what more can you ask for? Indeed.

Claudia is joined by the three safe couples. First she would like to discuss the swingathon with Harry, and asks him how difficult it was. Harry says it was exhausting, but a lot of fun, and he thinks everyone will agree. Probably not Robbie and Ola, Harry. He says that "last night" was an amazing night, and he hopes that he and Aliona can continue it. Claudia asks Chelsee what they've got for movie week, and they've got Shrek, which she has never seen before, so Claudia insists that Chelsee come round to her house and they'll get the DVD out. Claudia warns her that Shrek's wife has a green face and funny ears, but Chelsee says that as long as she's still a princess, she doesn't mind. Heh. Then we turn to Jason and he earnests about the JOURNEY and Claudia cuts him off, having presumably sensed the viewing audience falling asleep at the very mention of the word. This is why Claudia earns the big bucks.

Time for a musical performance: it's Cee-Lo Green, singing 'Anyway'. Is this an actual single that's out? I know he caused all manner of confusion when he went on The X Factor a month or so ago and sang a song that wasn't his new single. Wikipedia says that this is indeed his new single. Phew! Confusion averted! Anyway (lol pun not intended), this is of limited interest since he's brought his own dancers, so there's not very much about it that's particularly Strictly Come Dancing, so I vote we just move on. All in favour? Jolly good.

Once that's over, it's time for...yes, you've guessed it, Len's Lens. We always hope they'll forget, but to no avail. We begin with further talk of Rent-A-Pro Brendan Cole, who was singing along to the chorus of 'Uptown Girl'. Not that badly, under the circumstances, but the judges hoot anyway. Len, inspired by this, gives us a little chorus of "I'm just wild about Harry" and says that Harry kept his hold and beautiful posture throughout the dance and created lovely lines. He thinks it was a fast, full-on quickstep with great control, and it definitely deserved a 10...Craig. I think we all saw that coming, didn't we? Like Len's scoring is entirely above reproach and never ever based on petty personal idiosyncrasies. Talk then turns to Holly, and Alesha is dismayed to see her in the bottom two, because she thinks Holly raised her game this week and actually listened to the judges, so she doesn't deserve to be in the danger zone. Craig wants to discuss Chelsee, and he says that her ganchos were beautiful, but the A-frame that was the problem. He thinks she needs to throw caution to the wind and allow her legs to have more freedom. Bruno and Alesha protest that, bearing all of this in mind, it was still one of the best routines. Bruno's looking at Alex's dance, and he thinks she had a great time, likening the swimming section of the routine to Finding Nemo. I think Alex is Dory. Alesha suggests that Alex was undermarked, which Claudia agrees with, and see above for my thoughts on that. Bruno explains what was wrong with the routine, and Craig chips in with "swivel, darling". Well, that's just RUDE. Claudia would like to talk to us all about Ola Jordan and how she is an amazing woman, normally so mild-mannered and polite, but then the video shows us how she was absolutely LIVID when asked to leave the floor during the swingathon. Her face in slo-mo is an absolute picture.

Claudia reminds us that next week is Movie Week. Time for a comedy trail? Oh, I think so. A throaty-voiced announcer reminds us that 14 celebrities started out on the competition, but now only seven remain. Oh God, maths - it's like The X Factor. There are some parodies for our enjoyment - Harry is lecturing Chelsee on how the first rule of Dance Club is that you don't talk about Dance Club (because your friends will think you're a sissy), only to discover that she's already texted everyone in her phone book about it; Alex and Anita plot to steal the trophy, Indiana Jones-style, and are chased by a giant rolling glitterball. I think that should form part of the next group dance - just stick that in the middle of the floor, set it rolling, and tell everyone you'll deduct 10 points from their score if they get squashed by it. Now that's good television. Meanwhile, Holly and Jason send up The Matrix, with a reasonably good punchline where Jason discovers that he's not The One, he's just going to get scored 1, repeatedly. However, this segment loses points for not having Alesha be the one holding up the 1 paddle. Finally, Robbie as Luke Skywalker faces off against Darth Vader, who's inviting him to leave Ola behind and team up with him instead. I'm sure I can't be the only person who was expecting Brendan to be the one in the costume, can I? As it happens, it's Craig, who tells Robbie that he's his father, and Robbie screams. There's an odd tag at the end of this where Craig tells Robbie he was only joking, and he's actually his brother, not his father. Is that...worse? I don't get it.

Time to return to Tess to find out which of the three couples remaining is also safe. She confirms that Alex and James are safe, and through to next week, leaving us with just Robbie and Ola and Anita and Brendan awaiting their fates. The couple in the bottom two is...Anita and Brendan. The curse of the first struck hard this week, didn't it?

Tess would like Alesha's opinions on whether having a new partner might have contributed to Anita being in the bottom two. Alesha thinks no, but that adjusting to a new partner probably doesn't help matters, and calls Anita "adorable" and various other faintly patronising things. Tess asks Len if he's excited about movie night, and Len is very much so, because movie night last year was one of his highlights, and he can't wait for it to happen again because it provides an extra dimension to the dancing. And as we all know, there's nothing Len likes more than a non-traditional approach to the presentation of dance.

After that, we have Anton and Erin dancing a Viennese waltz to 'Mr Bojangles'. Oh my God, they're getting Bojangled! They're definitely getting eliminated this week! Anyway, it's a pleasant routine, very crowd-pleasing, and that's just about all there is to say about it.

Claudia's with the bottom two couples, and she's sorry that Holly's here for her second time in the bottom two. It's actually the second time in the bottom two for everyone here, Claudia. Even Brendan. Holly says that being here is not her favourite feeling in the world, but if she goes out, she's going out on a pretty good dance, and she's made some great mates here. She's also pleased to have had nice comments from Craig, because those are not common. Anita says that she's had a wonderful opportunity to dance with Robin and Brendan, and obviously she'd be sad if she got eliminated tonight, but she's just glad she signed up in the first place. Sad VT time: Anita loves training with Robin, and just wanted to push herself as far as she could. She thinks that making it two-thirds of the way through is "not bad" for "an old bird", and if it's her time to go, she will do so graciously. Fair enough. Holly thinks her journey has been epic, with all the partner-changing and injuries. She's not ready to go home yet, because she's so close to the end, and she'll be "devastated" if she has to go home.

Time for Tess to reveal who's going home. Len commented on the appalling music which had no relevance to Holly's dance, and Bruno thought Anita had plenty of fuel in the tank. The couple leaving us tonight is...Anita and Brendan. Poor Brendan, eliminated twice. Anita takes it far better than I ever thought she would, smiling graciously just as she promised. Everyone gets to their feet for her, and Anita bobs her head at them meekly. Tess asks if it's tough for her not to have him by her side, but says that they have Robin on the phone right now. Robin's eerie echoey voice is beamed in, and he tells her that she's incredible, and he's sorry he couldn't be there with her tonight. She's been one of the most enthusiastic people he's ever met, and he's going to miss her. Aww. Anita says that Robin made this a humourous, enjoyable, fun, wonderful learning experience for her, and she's very grateful. She also interrupts Tess (always a good thing) to say thank you to Brendan for stepping in and allowing her to compete this week. As promised, this was a classy exit, so well done Anita.

That's it! Claudia reappears, and Tess reminds us that it's Movie Week again next week, and Anita and Brendan take their final dance to 'Dance Away The Heartache' by Roxy Music. There are lots of hugs, and Holly is kind enough to console Brendan on his second elimination of the series. And we're done! Join Carrie next week for Movie (/Film) Week! I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for Robbie and Ola to do a Human Centipede-based routine.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-11-21T23:56:00.006Z

- Robin will not be dancing this weekend because he's got a foot infection, so guess what? BRENDAN'S BACK AGAIN. As a result, Zoe now calls him "Rent-A-Pro".
- Russell thinks he "left 'em wanting more". I think the fact that you got voted out implies that you probably didn't, love.
- Robbie is familiar with 'All About You' by McFly.
- James's sense of humour extends to LOLFATJOKES about Craig. I guess we've established who's replacing Bruce when he eventually goes.
- Craig thinks "we've never had a celebrity who was entertaining but could also put one foot in front of the other". Did he just call all the winners boring?
- Holly thinks it was "fun" that she was in the bottom two, because she was getting too comfortable. I LOVE HOLLY SO MUCH.
- Artem is royally pissed off with Len for suddenly deciding that he's going to start caring about illegal lifts now, so now he's going to stick an illegal lift in his foxtrot as a giant Foxtrot Oscar to Len. This is why Artem is great, readers.
- Alex thought her Strictly experience would come and go without a nine, and now she's got three. Or four if you count that time that James got so angry in training he started scolding her in German.
- Zoe's quite good at speaking Welsh as long as she's got a cue card to prompt her.
- James thinks he and Alex have been hard done by in the call-out order of who's safe this series. Yes, that's right, James has found something ELSE to act the martyr over.
- If Karen were paying someone to open a showcase spectacular that she was choreographing, it'd be Robbie and Ola. Really? Okay.
- The best dance to get for Wembley if you're a professional is the quickstep because it allows you to cover the floor. Note: professional. Not Holly Valance, professionally not giving a shit since...well, ever.
- The fashion segment is boring again without Melissa Odabash.
- Having said that, there were 4,000 crystals on Chelsee's samba dress, which is quite impressive.
- Anita's reaction to being offered Rent-A-Pro as a partner for the week was "Oh! That's an...opportunity..." LOLLERSKATES.
- Not so much a thing we've learned, more the HIGHLIGHT OF OUR WEEK:
Aliona: What if they drop me? Who's going to dance with you, huh?
Harry: (considering this) Brendan?
Seriously, THIS MUST HAPPEN.
- Brendan made an as-yet-unbroadcast VT a few weeks back called something like "Captain Big Boy". What did this involve? Strictly Come Bitching insists: we must be told.
- The trick to succeeding in the swingathon is to catch the judges' eyes really early on. For good reasons, presumably.
- Zoe likes the idea of Pasha dressed as a doctor. STOP GIVING US FEELINGS, ZOE.
- Earlie this week, Chelsee tweeted that she loved Pasha, then she deleted it. This is the greatest romance of the century. *grabs popcorn*
- Alex is not vain, but would like to still have her face when the series is over. This seems reasonable enough to us, but we're sure James will have plenty to say on the matter.
- Harry's voice goes weird when he's nervous. Great, like I needed more reasons to find him adorable.
- Harry would be willing to wear a leotard like the one Bruno wore in the 'I'm Still Standing' video, if so required.
- Aliona thinks she's been on good form this season and playing by the rules. I kind of love her for thinking that. I also kind of hate Len for making me love Aliona.
- Everyone wants to be locked in a room with Artem.
- Wardrobe lady Nicola refers to the "Arg Tango". I think she banged her head and thought she was working on The Only Way Is Essex.
- Kristina thinks Ian jinxed them last week.
- Jason has a slight asthma problem.
- Robbie and Ola's lifts went wrong in dress rehearsals. Quite how this differs from what we saw on the live show is unclear.
- Ola didn't choreograph much salsa into her routine because the song wasn't a salsa song. That's the worst excuse I've ever heard.
- The Duchess of Cornwall is a big fan of Strictly.
- You're not allowed on the set of Miranda unless you're a big fan of Strictly.
- Patricia Hodge will not dance for you on demand, no matter how much you ask.
- Princes Charles is a Kristina fan. I bet he was voting for John Sergeant.
- Harry has never sounded more middle-class than when he's discussing the Queen.

Our wish is Granted

2011-11-19T16:37:00.006Z

WEMBLEY (not BLACKPOOL)

Tx: 19th November, 2011

Greetings, children! Last week we had group sex fantasies involving the beauteous Holly Valance and her two leading men [and how! - Steve]; Tess wore the worst dress in her entire history of awful frockage, which is quite some achievement; Alex canoodled with an Ooga-Chucka baby; Bruno tried to out Robbie as a bisexual; and we had much disagreement about what tube lines serve the Wembley area. In case you'd forgotten, Audley's borrowed time finally ran out, meaning Dame Natalie Lowe is out of the competition for this year, and meaning that Steve can start his campaign for her and Katya to be partnered with ringers in 2012. [To be fair, my campaign started as soon as I saw who they'd been lumbered with *this* year. - Steve]

This week we're at Wembley, which is not Blackpool, but is serving the same purpose in that it is a) not BBC Television Centre and b) globally famous (except not just for ballroom competition reasons). More importantly, it will give many, many people on this show the opportunity to talk about having always dreamt of playing at Wembley (my guesses: Len, Robbie; I'm also wondering whether they'll wheel out Brian May to talk about Queen's gig at Wembley Stadium, particularly as, inspired by The X Factor's epic fail, our couples will tonight be dancing to the music of the other fab four in the opening number). I'm also expecting more woeful football-related skits, possibly mashed up with that godawful footage of Bruce doing half-time entertainment for some poor unsuspecting mid-1970s crowd. Ah, Strictly: it's so nice to have an impending sense of doom at the start of one's Saturday night viewing!

So yes. We begin with montage of the Wembley complex, and all our couples on a coach, in football kit, welcomed to the ground by Graham Taylor, otherwise known as England's worst manager ever. [I had no idea who he was, and I suspect that I will not have been alone in Strictly's broad audience of women and gays. - Steve] ME, I AM PSYCHIC. Time for a quick Russell IS GAY joke? Yes, I think so. Another montage of the couples playing head tennis around their rehearsal rooms, and we're ready for STRICTLY COME DANCING!

Titles!

And we open with a group dance to We Will Rock You (sadly not the version improved by 5ive), which segues into Radio Gaga, which segues into Bohemian Rhapsody (featuring the judges as the singing heads), which segues into It's A Kind of Magic (complete with rhythmic gymnastics), which segues into One Vision (which has some small child cheerleaders doing acrobatics all over the place). This entire routine is a hot mess, as they always are when whoever choreographs it has this much space to work with (they're in the Wembley Arena). And it's exacerbated by Robbie failing to clap in sync with the others. And the singers not singing "Fried chicken!" at the end.

Here are Bruce and Tess, in a blue satin curtain which, while ugly, is not as bad as last week's abomination. Bruce is under the impression everybody is there to see him, and strings out his traditional greeting to quadruple the normal length. Finally it is time to meet the stars of our show - Russell and Flavia, Chelsee and Pasha, Holly and Artem (but not Brendan, who may be lurking with a baseball bat in hand ready to cosh his rival), Harry and Aliona, Anita and Robin, Robbie and Ola, Alex and James, and Jason and Kristina. That's eight couples. EIGHT COUPLES LEFT. And you thought it was nearly Christmas because you've seen the Coca-Cola advert. And in Future Head Judge Karen Hardy's magical perspex cage tonight is Olivier Award-winning actress and best-selling novelist and yoghurt pimp Martine McCutcheon! [I'd love to know what the take-up figures were like this week. Who on earth would put themselves through that voluntarily? - Steve]

First up, Robbie and Ola. Between them, their hair is 25% more blond and bigger than usual. They would like to get more than a 7 off Craig. Will they get it with their tricksy, lifty salsa? Robbie then delivers his scripted lines really unconvincingly, while dancing in the underpass that leads to the stadium. Because this is set up for a gag about dancing at the arena, not the stadium. Predictable Strictly is predictable. I find it so comfortingly reassuring.

Robbie is dancing on a podium to Let Me Entertain You, rips his shirt open, then wiggles off to meet up with Ola, who's in a lacy catsuit. Both of them jiggle their bosom at the other. And they both look tiny on this vast, vast floor. Robbie does a knee-slide, which comes nowhere near to being as good as the one Gethin did back in the day when he burnt a hole in his trousers. Not a great deal of salsa content, though.

After some inappropriate jokes about the Italian debt crisis, Len makes football-related puns about the routine, which he clearly thinks was rubbish but entertaining. Alesha says Robbie opened the show like a rock concert but it wasn't a fucking salsa. [I live in hope that now she's given out a 2, the gloves are officialy off and one day Alesha actually will say "it wasn't a fucking salsa". - Steve] Bruno wails about primeval fertility rites. Craig thinks it was flat-footed with no hip rotation. Scores - Craig 5, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 26.

Alex and James are second, and for some reason they have offended the gods enough to be introduced by a Bruce Forsyth tap routine. What the actual fuck? Last week, Alex felt pressure to start the show off on a high, which is why she danced with a rag-doll. This week, they are doing the assertive, strong, powerful tango, and Alex is struggling with characterisation. So she does some role-play, acting as her One Show director while James attempts a pathetic Welsh accent in imitation of Alex.

They are tangoing to Relax, and their costumes are hideous. Not the most important point, perhaps, but relevant. The camerawork is weird - in some places it looks like it's running at half-speed, and for a significant proportion of the routine it focuses just on the upper body and whirls manically so you can't see the footwork. Alex's tango face, by the way, looks like she's sucking on a lemon.

Alesha says Alex's transition from last week is brilliant, and the tango had drama and was believable. Bruno waggles his eyebrows at Alex and then gropes Alesha for a bit, as is his wont. Craig says he believes we may be seeing some improvement, at which Alex and James hug each other and then seem to have some kind of costume malfunction. Len says he likes a proper tango danced beautifully. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 35. James has an embolism and dies. [Hooray! - Steve]

Holly and the newly reinvigorated Artem now, although her rehearsal footage is with both of her boys. Artem was clearly hideously jealous (Kara, avert your eyes now!), and there's a lot of homoeroticism going on. Holly's sitting in a corner, watching with a sexily raised eyebrow: "Oh, you'd like me to join in now?" And after those thoughts Steve rightly raised last week, Holly really shouldn't be saying things like that. [Alternatively: she totally should. - Steve]

They're quickstepping to Valerie. Holly's dress is awful, and she's not picking her feet up enough leaving her partner to drag her round, but Artem's suit is sparkly and the routine is energetic. Bruno growls about Holly sometimes being maddening because she's not broken in properly. Craig criticises her balance and sloppiness, but he thought it was a fantastic routine. Len liked the use of space, and Alesha thought it was light and effortless. Well, she got the last bit right - Holly is the princess of lack of effort, but in a really cool way. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31.

Now Anita and Robin, who were sad last week because people didn't vote for them despite her being a national treasure. She hugged her husband BRIAN MAY, who is her husband, and cried. However, now she is thrilled because she is going to Wembley. Robin thinks she needs some inspiration from somewhere, so they go to Albert Square and dance around. I was at LEAST hoping for a guest appearance from Strictly alumna Letitia Dean there, if not Leslie Grantham.

Goodness me, they are sambaing to Come On Eileen. I really have no words. It's the gayest thing I have seen in a long time. There is a significant amount of clapping, and some rather shaky footwork from Anita - shaky in the literal sense, I fear she's going to slip at any second. Not good. Craig begins by laying into her posture, and her "muddy and murky footwork", before mentioning his ever-present chum, the sticking-out thumb. Len likes that Anita always gives it 100 per cent, although it could have been a little bit sharper and crisper. Alesha thought it had energy and personality, but didn't think Anita embodied the natural samba groove, whatever the hell that means. Bruno loves Anita because she plays it for all it's worth, but she forgot the fire down below. Cystitis? Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 27, all scores met with near-silence.

Harry and Aliona next. This week Aliona's been left to come up with some choreography herself, which can never end well. At least, not for Aliona when Len is judging. Last week they were at the top of the leaderboard with their Argentine tango; this week they are struggling because Harry can't move his hips, and because the Strictly producers are making them do a When Harry Met Sally rip-off, including Aliona faking an orgasm. Seriously, if that's how excited Aliona gets during sex, you have to pity her boyfriend. Or scorn her boyfriend, one of the two.

They're dancing to I'm Still Standing. BEST JIVE EVER! BLACKPOOL! ETC! I wander off to YouTube to look at clips of that as Harry throws Aliona about, but sadly does not drop her. Back on the screen, Aliona's pulling pathetic faces at Len, who's pathetically bitchy right back at her. [While you were watching St Halfpenny, you missed Len saying that this had everything he was looking for from a samba, having apparently not noticed that it was a salsa. Either the two dances really are as interchangeable as I secretly suspected, or Len's complete lack of experience with Latin is starting to show in his old age. - Steve] Bruno tells Harry to take more clothes off. Craig didn't think it had a groove, and it was devoid of hip action. Bruce tells Harry and Aliona not to listen to the judges. Yes, that's a plan that's bound to end well. As they run up to the Tess Circle, Brendan and James take Harry's shirt off him. Is that not assault? Scores - Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

Next - Russell and Flavia. They blow kisses to the crowd, revelling in their glittery make-up and costumes. Russell says he couldn't wait to do the quick-change last week; this week they are doing something bigger. There is some plinky piano music as Russell takes Flavia to a hill in Middlesex to look at the lit-up Wembley arch. Dude, you could just stand on the bridge over the North Circular by Ikea, that'd give you a better view.

They are jiving to Reach by S Club 7. Flavia jives with sparklers as Russell lies in a glittery cannon and then flies across the dance floor. After the technicians manage to clear the floor of the debris, they proceed to dance the slowest jive I have ever seen, with some awful kicks and flicks. The routine ends with Russell looking at Flavia's vulva. Why? How? WHY? Alesha wheels out the platitudes about what he lacks in talent, he makes up for in entertainment. Bruno likens Russell to a satellite of madness. Craig says, "Dumbo springs to mind." OUCH. His one-word summary? "Revolutionary." Len has little to add, but however many great dancers there are in however many series there are, people will always remember Russell Grant being launched out of a bloody cannon. Word, Len. But that's not a good thing. [I'm going to make a point of forgetting it as soon as possible. - Steve] After pandering to the audience slightly, Russell tells Tess that he used to live in Wembley. REALLY? Scores - Craig 5 (generous), Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 7 (for fuck's sake, Bruno) for a total of 24.

Now Chelsee and Pasha, who's showing us a tantalising glimpse of a nipple. Last week, it went better than anyone expected, because Chelsee has no self-esteem and the show is classist and racist. Some more dreadful acting from Chelsee and Pasha, some in front of a blue screen, and then it is time for their samba.

To Spice Up Your Life! Brave from Chelsee to start the routine by herself, and then go and rescue Pasha from molestation by a big wall of balloons. The samba rolls are a bit awkward, mainly because Chelsee has a sodding huge tailfeather affixed to her buttocks, but otherwise it's bouncy and fun fun fun fun fun. Bruno calls her "Chelsee Fierce" and then wails about a mistake ("Bless you, baby!") before calling it "near-perfect". Craig loves Chelsee's finishes, spins and bounce. Len says his night has been spiced up with that "proper samba", and Alesha says Chelsee captured the spirit of the samba. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

Finally, Jason and Kristina. (Whatever else I say about any of the contestants and pro dancers on this show, I have to give Kristina respect for sending a lovely message to a friend of mine whose husband is terminally ill - she didn't have to do that and it made my friend very happy.) Jason rehearses in a Miami Vice costume, and then imitates Adam Ant. And then himself, complete with blond mullet. Odd.

They burst through a paper clock, and are jitterbug-jiving to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. Jason's footwork is skippy, and their legs aren't synchronised in the side by side pieces, but the stuff in hold looks good. Then Jason completely loses his place, and bless him, he stands there with foot pointed until he can work out when he should be kicking again. Not his finest hour, I think. Craig says it would have been phenomenal if he hadn't lost it and if there hadn't been two lifts, but it was an amazing routine. Len is disappointed for Jason because he has worked his socks off, and then announces that he is sick of illegal lifts and is putting everyone on notice that he is going to start to penalise people. I'll believe it when I see it. [Just when I thought the rules on lifts couldn't possibly get more arbitrary, Len proves me wrong. - Steve] Alesha reckons that the side by side bits were good, as was the energy. Bruno miaows about it being amazing. Jason cries about being overwhelmed by Wembley. What the fuck ever, Donovan, you've SUNG at Wembley Arena, which Tess points out, but more nicely. Scores - Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

At the top of the leaderboard - fuck me, it's Alex and James, joint with Chelsee and Pasha. Russell and Flavia are, obviously, at the bottom, but, more obviously, have many more points than they deserved, and, even more obviously, won't go this week. So who will be our bottom two? Well, perhaps a freestyle jitterbug reminding us who our couples are will help you to decide (Holly can't even be bothered to freestyle and just wanders across the platform)! If not, just wait until tomorrow and find out then!

Results show

Good evening, everybody - we're back at Wembley for the Wembley results of the Wembley show, which was at Wembley! And what better way to open the show than with a Sixties-themed group hamming-it-up session to a Beatles medley? We have a "band" "live" on "stage", with Harry happily drumming away [bless - Steve]; and on the dance floor, we have two Minis and a red phone booth as well as a zebra crossing, which the men seem to use to apparently imitate the Reservoir Dogs rather than the Fab Four. The judges clamber out of the phone booth, and Bruno and Craig are so wired that I'm half-expecting them to segue into a routine to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. If you know what I mean.

It ends. And Tess and Claudia wander on, holding hands, which is oddly sweet. Daly Dresswatch - red, tight, lacy over the chest and sleeves, a bit tarty but nice for all that. Well done, Tess! Claudia is in a black smock, obviously, as she always is. After telling us about the musical acts that will be guesting on tonight's show, it's time for a backstage montage - Robbie liked the crowd; Alex never expected to get a 9 because she is HUMBLE; Holly would like to dance for the Wembley crowd every week [and yet she's not doing the tour. Heh. - Steve]; Len can imagine fancying Harry if he were a girl, because men never fancy other men, you see; Harry and Aliona reminisce about James and Brendan ripping off his shirt, to which Aliona says, "A first for you?" and Harry says, "Yeah," while shaking his head and scrunching up his nose at the camera, all the better for Steve's hoyay McFly fantasies [I'm QUITE sure I don't know what you mean. - Steve]; Russell does not think he has big ears like Dumbo; Pasha's nipples are still on show; Jason is disappointed because he fucked it up; Len believes the entire show to be "fabulous".

Whatever. Let's get some results! Who's safe? Anita and Robin! Robbie and Ola! Alex and James! But sadly Russell and Flavia are IN THE BOTTOM TWO. Thank you, Great British Public. Finally you see sense to some degree. Bruno is both surprised and unsurprised - obviously Russell is entertaining, but on the other hand he's shit, so you know.

Claudia likens Anita to a little pony, because La Dobson has gone all weepy and luvvie on us and thanking everyone like she's Kate Winslet at the Oscars. Robbie reckons dancing at Wembley is better than playing in the Carling Cup final. Yeah, cos the Carling Cup final is pointless and nobody cares about it any more. He then blubs about being hated when he played football but people must like him now. Shut UP, Savage. [I think an awful lot of people are spectacularly indifferent to him whatever sphere he's in. I know I am. - Steve] Alex squeals about never thinking a 9 was possible, and then that epitome of gentlemanly conduct James interjects, "I didn't think a 7 was possible." Seriously, Jordan, if it wasn't for the fact that Ola would leave too, I'd tell you to fuck off and never come back.

Now James Morrison and Jessie J are doing some sort of collaboration, maybe? I care for neither of them. Steve's more clued up than I am, perhaps he has some opinions. As far as I can tell, it's a caterwauling mess. [Nope, that's pretty much exactly what I would've said too. Carry on. - Steve]

Claudia is with the judges and Len's Lens. She shows a slow-mo clip of Craig being Brian May on wires last night - frankly, I couldn't even tell that was Craig, what with the massive wig and headbanging. Brian May judges Craig's lipsynching in Bohemian Rhapsody unfavourably. We then see a clip of Craig and Len dancing together. Careful, Len, don't want to catch the GAY. We then get a slow-mo of Robbie's leapfrog over Ola, which looks much much worse on second viewing. Alesha is enthusiastic about Jason's stamina. Fnar. We're encouraged to applaud Aliona's acrobatics, though not her choreography. And then we see Bruno dancing on tables and taking his clothes off, much to Alesha's horror. Bruno, Craig and Alesha are in fits of laughter and can barely sit up straight. And for a final giggle, we get to laugh at Russell touching a lady, because he's a homosexual and they are allergic to women. SIGH, show. SIGH.

More results, more safe couples - Chelsee and Pasha (and Pasha's nipple is exposed once more as Chelsee throws herself at him, causing his shirt to ruffle); Harry and Aliona. At this point, Holly is outright laughing, because she does not give a shit that she is in the bottom two [Holly ♥ - Steve], and Jason and Kristina are safe. So it's Holly and Artem v Russell and Flavia. This really shouldn't be a contest.

While we let this dramatic news sink in, Il Divo will sing Time To Say Goodbye for us. And yes, I know they are basically an operatic Westlife, but I would much rather listen to them sing this than Katherine bloody Jenkins. And they are better at singing than that bint who was on last week's result show with her dirge of a song. Although I did laugh out loud at the harmony that goes, "IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE!" on a descending scale.

Claudia lies to Russell that she is shocked that he is in the bottom two, and he says he doesn't care because his goal was to get to Wembley, his home county. You should've mentioned it, Russell, like Craig Kelly did with Blackpool. Holly says she had a niggling feeling she'd be in the bottom two, and asked "Russ" to forecast her stars. HA! Oh, Holly, we love you.

A quick VT whereby Holly and Russell talk about not wanting to leave (you know the drill, guys, you've seen this show before), and we're back into the arena for the result. The couple leaving us this week - Russell and Flavia. Thank FUCK for that. Seriously, my argument on the "comedy" contestants is that if people vote them through, then they deserve their place, but Russell and Flavia's particular variety of can't-be-arsed camp choreography has worn very, very thin with me. Fortunately the Great British Public do tend to get rid of the joke acts a while before the final, so no matter how much frenzied media may try to ask, "CAN RUSSELL GRANT/ANN WIDDECOMBE/JOHN SERGEANT REALLY WIN STRICTLY?" the answer always has to be, "Yes, he/she can, but he/she won't." And thus my theory is proven.

Cheerio, Russell! Don't let the door hit you on the arse as you fire yourself out of the arena in a glittery cannon!

And that's it for this week. Join Steve next weekend for another instalment! Bye!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-11-14T23:42:00.009Z

- No one has ever survived the bottom two four times.
- Audley thinks it would help Anita to spend more time on Twitter and Facebook. Because I'm so sure that's where her fanbase is lurking.
- Ruby from London is our new favourite caller ever for ringing in and telling Len to "buck up your ideas".
- Craig gives Russell an extra 1 point for entertainment, but that's it.
- Robin thinks he and Anita were in the bottom two this week because people just assumed they were safe. Because that's a mistake that people make nine series in. Still, it beats "it's because she's not on Twitter", I suppose.
- Anita refers to the other couples as her "teammates", which is...misunderstanding the nature of the competition somewhat.
- The choreography is like the Picasso line drawing, and the dancing itself is the colour and the texture. (Thanks Karen!)
- A foxtrot should be like a monkey swinging through the trees. If Karen meant "smelly and covered in fleas", then she clearly feels broadly the same as I do about the foxtrot.
- Despite appearances last weekend, James has not learned to gracefully accept Craig's comments and is still in fact always a GIANT DOUCHE about it. I know, huge surprise. Poor Alex.
- Alex liked her cheerleader outfit because it was "really comfy". Bless.
- If they get Melissa Odabash on every week, I might just start paying attention to the wretched fashion segment.
- Russell is such a giant gay that it is apparently physically impossible for him not to acknowledge this in his outfits, according to fashion experts.
- It's not a proper series of Strictly if they don't somehow find an excuse for Artem to do a homoerotic rumba with one of the other male pros.
- The theme for the music this week is "Best of British".
- Holly is stealing Alesha's quickstep music. THIEF!
- Robbie went home early from training on Wednesday because he wasn't feeling well. Wimp.
- Chelsee is still rehearsing without her shoes on, tut tut.
- It Takes Two is basically encouraging us to stare lasciviously at Harry's arse at this point.
- Ian's dance teacher used to grab him by the back of somethingorother, but thanks to Zoe's intervention, we shall never know how that story ends.
- GIANT LADY is choreographing the newsreaders' number for Children in Need.
- Russell's aggressive humility is still pretty grating.
- Kylie Minogue doesn't really know what jazz hands are.
- Holly likes wearing long dresses because they help cover up her "horrible technique".
- Artem's doctor has told him he can dance if he wants to this weekend, but it depends on "the pain levels in his spine". All right then.
- The female pros don't like wearing pink shoes. Not sure about the men, mind.
- Robbie wouldn't mind going out if he was between Ola's thighs when it happened. FILTH.
- Vincent pronounces "hamburger" as "ambooger". Teehee.
- Chelsee was a massive Spice Girls fan and used to dress up as Scary Spice.
- Pasha claims to "trim" his chest hair, while Chelsee maintains he "shaves" it.
- Shane claims to be the best dancer in Westlife. This would be interesting if anyone cared.
- The dancefloor at Wembley is four times the size of the usual Strictly dancefloor.

Audley predictable

2011-11-13T12:18:00.007Z

Top 9: 12th November 2011

Last week: the ballroom was a firework, presumably one that goes BLERP MERP WURP as it shoots across the TURPS BURPS PERPS. Russell Grant titted around on a mechanical bull while dressed like Penfold from DangerMouse and pretty much reached the point where Carrie and I lost all patience with him. Meanwhile, Jason's serial killer rumba bored Alesha, and Chelsee was deemed "most like Jennifer Grey" by Jennifer Grey herself. Best of all, Bloody Lulu was sent packing. Hooray!

This week: oh God, it's all going to be about wanting to get to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY. Just kill me now. The Voice Of Tess, in a peculiar accent for some reason reminiscent of Queen Elizabeth II, tells us to get ready for "kick-orf". This! Is Strictly Come Dancing 2011!

Titles! I miss Nancy. I also love how even in the two seconds' worth of screentime they have together here, it's so very obvious how Bloody Lulu and Brendan couldn't stand each other.

Live in the studio, we have a Bruce, and we have a...dear God, WHAT IS THAT? This week, Tess appears to have come wearing half a Christmas cracker wrapped in Astroturf. It's possibly the most deranged outfit she's worn in any series to date. If this were a special St Patrick's Day episode, I could almost understand the logic behind it, but on a cold and dark Saturday in November? I'm baffled. Bruce arrives late to grab Tess for the end pose, and she looks unimpressed. Bruce tells us that it's nice to see us, to see us nice, and YAY NANCY IS IN THE AUDIENCE! I live in hope that she might just rush the dancefloor at some point in order to treat us to the jive that we never got to see. Don't let me down, Dell'Olio. Bruce shills his album, and completely trips over the punchline to his opening joke, which involves Gok Wan. Let's just leave it there, shall we? Tom and Danny McFly are in the audience, looking about as impressed with Brucie's comic timing as I am. Given that Harry's on this show and Dougie's in the jungle, shouldn't one of them be training for Dancing On Ice at this point? Come on, chaps, if you don't pull your finger out, there may come a moment when none of you are in a reality show, and that would never do.

Bruce and Tess remind us that next week is ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY, and then it's time to meet the stars of our show: Russell and Flavia (Russell's conservatively attired this evening, apart from the glittery eyeshadow, just in case we have forgotten that HE IS GAY), Chelsee and lovely Pasha, Holly and temporary (OR IS HE?) partner Brendan, Audley and Dame Natalie, Harry and Aliona (both rocking the maroon velvet look tonight, it has to be said), Anita and Robin, Robbie and Ola, James and Alex, and Jason and Kristina. Everyone has the obligatory boogie, and Brendan has never looked happier now that he's free of the millstone that was Bloody Lulu.

Bruce suggests that we must all want to welcome back Len. Not especially, Brucie. Everyone cheers for Craig no longer being head judge, and Brucie suggests that's the first time Craig has ever been cheered for anything. Tess points out to the unobservant members of the audience that Holly is dancing with Brendan this week, because Artem is dead or injured or on holiday or something, and Future Head Judge Karen Hardy appears to wave at us from her prime seat next to Michael Ball in the interactive commentary box. [Maybe Michael Ball could be on Future Head Judge Karen's panel. He has judging form, after all. - Carrie]

Up first are Alex and James. The running order for this show series needs to be shaken up a bit, because poor Alex is always early. I mean, I know she's not exactly someone you save to be looked forward to at the end, but last week was the only time she'd even been in the second half of the show. Bruce says that due to her hectic work schedule, Alex is starting to feel tired, but not nearly as tired as his jokes. Or something like that. Last week, Alex's dress got caught in her heel, but James was proud of her for carrying on regardless, even if it meant that some steps as delivered were not quite as intended in his ALWAYS FLAWLESS CHOREOGRAPHY THAT MUST NEVER BE QUESTIONED CRAIG. They fell over at the end, and Alex didn't mind because she thought she'd done well to even get to that point. This week, they've got the jive, and Alex thinks they should make a fitness DVD: "Jive Away The Jelly". Heh. The theme for their VT does not, for a change, involve James screaming at Alex until she cries, but instead suggests that she is fitter than he, despite not being a professional dancer. James ends the VT hocking up a loogie into the bin. Lovely.

Their jive is to 'River Deep, Mountain High', and they're dressed as cheerleaders. The Literal Choreography Klaxon is sounded as Alex dances the first few steps with a rag doll (while Erin Boag submits a legal challenge for theft of intellectual copyright), before James spoils everything by actually turning up. It's far from the total mess I was expecting: the energy levels are good, Alex's footwork isn't too bad, and it's a fun routine to watch, but the real drawback here is the kick section, where Alex's legwork is a little lumpy. There's also a bit near the end where it looks like she misses a connection, although they cover it fairly well. The routine ends with James stealing Alex's ragdoll (NOT A EUPHEMISM, THANK GOD) and Alex pouting because James is mean, as we know.

Alex expresses relief that they didn't fall over this week, while Brucie welcomes the fabulous singers, Dave Arch, his wonderful orchestra, and the judges. Bruce reminds viewers that Jennifer Grey is not looking rough this week, it's just that Len's back. Phew, for a minute there I thought her latest facelift had gone horribly, horribly wrong. Bruce tells Len that it wasn't the same without him: it was better. Many a true word spoken in jest, and all that. Len was worried when they started with the doll (because just in case we've forgotten during his week off, Len is not a fan of MUCKIN ABAHT) but he thinks Alex has blossomed, and busted out all over the place. Let's hope he never says that to Chelsee, I'm still not entirely sure she's recovered from Hallowe'en week. He thinks the kicks could've been sharper and she missed one of the passes, but it was full of verve and gusto, as opposed to Len, who's just full of gust. Alesha thinks Alex's energy is commendable and she can tell her confidence is growing, so now she just needs to refine her steps by remembering to point her toes and finish her moves. Bruno thinks she had the enthusiasm of a manic cheerleader, and she really went for it. He echoes Len's comments about missing the pass (because she went on the wrong foot, apparently) and Alesha's comments about needing to flick correctly (FNAR), but he had such fun. Craig thinks the effigy is a remarkable likeness of James (heh), and thought the performance was confident, though there's no real accuracy and precision in the steps, and she needs to learn to point the kicks to delineate the lines. For once, James deems this "fair comment", presumably because it's Alex being criticised and not him.

The three of them (yes, including the doll) trot up to the Tess Circle, where Tess invites Alex to "rewind, six years ago, to the start of this". That joke's just too easy, isn't it? Alex says that James has done an incredible job with her and she never thought she'd be able to do this ("nor did I," James chips in chivalrously) but it was nice to give it a good go. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. They're very happy with that.

Robbie and Ola are next - a "very popular couple", Bruce assures us. Robbie's VT this week involves more whining about how the JUDGES ARE MEAN (for the so-called "bad boy of football", he's got an awfully thin skin, hasn't he?) while Ola points out that Robbie focuses on the negative comments and doesn't hear all the positive feedback that he gets. Robbie tells us that his dream is to get to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY, and in true comedy VT style, he runs into a goalpost and passes out, which leads him to have a vision of a visitation from Fairy Godmother Ola, who fires glitter at him out of her nose. Job done.

They're dancing an American Smooth to 'Sway', involving sexy seductress Ola inviting Robbie - who's perched on the steps to the Tess Circle - to dance with her, prompting Robbie to do a "who, me?" face at a level of abject hammery that Pamela Stephenson would've been proud of. His top line is pretty good, but a lot of the turns are awfully tottery and the lifts are some of the most inelegant I've seen since this monstrosity, possibly relating to the fact that spins (especially standing spins) are not Robbie's strong suits, and all the lifts involve a lot of spinning.

Alesha tells Robbie that he's a real ballroom boy, and that the lifts were great if erratic at times, but he's constantly moving in the right direction. "I blame Ola," says Bruce, nonsensically. Bruno tells Robbie that he's a "smooth operator" and he likes the variety of steps in the routine, but sometimes it was a bit rough. He likes the way Robbie can "sway both ways", which causes the audience to laugh hysterically because LOL BISEXUALITY, though for once Bruno wasn't actually making a crass pun, but in fact admiring the elements of Latin within a ballroom routine, which he doesn't see often. [I loved that he appealed to Ola to say that she understood what he meant, and she nodded but pulled an epic confused face. - Carrie] Craig thought Robbie had beautiful arm placement in the running promenades, but he needs to be aware of his arms at other times because his hands tend to do a weird scrunched up thing, but he loved the mix of style and control in the lifts, and on the whole he thought it was rather good. (There's a cut to Nancy in the audience here, practically rolling her eyes. Oh, Nancy ♥.) Len suggests that Robbie's two outstretched fingers in that weird pose were actually directed at Craig, and goes on to say that Robbie is getting better and better.

They make a triumphant run up to the Tess Circle, and Ola is just repeating "WOW! WOW!" with all the sincerity of the faces she makes in the launch show when she "discovers" who her partner is this year. I love Ola. Robbie says that he wants to get to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY next week. Tess asks Ola if she was worried about being dropped, and Ola says that she wasn't while pulling an "I seriously was" face. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. For once, Robbie is happy with Craig's score. Blimey, what will he have to bitch about on Twitter now?

Up next are Audley and Natalie, "another couple that you all love, I know" says Bruce. Yes, that's why they've been in the bottom two twice in a row and three times overall. Last week, Alesha recommended that Audley have a go at fisting (at least that's what it looked like she was saying, with the sound off) and Audley was proud to have got his highest score last week when he was under pressure, even though he was in the bottom two again. In light of Bloody Lulu's eventual elimination, Audley treats us to a few bars of Destiny's Child's 'Survivor'. Natalie explains that she's trying to teach Audley to lead her properly this week, but it does not appear to be going well.

Speaking of things not going well, their cha cha cha is to 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and despite Dame Natalie Lowe wearing a lovely dress and really doing her best to sell the routine, this just isn't happening. Audley's completely flat-footed to the point of barely even moving at all, there's no hip action whatsoever, and I'm not even all that sure he's trying particularly hard. I think he knew his time was up this week and it's affecting his performance. Still, at the end Natalie exclaims "AW MY GOD YOU DID IT!" in her best bogan drawl.

Bruno starts by telling Audley that he really likes him (heh), but says there was no timing or precision: "the National Rail on a bank holiday has got better timing". He liked the personality, but at this stage there needs to be more impact on a Latin dance, before reiterating again that he likes Audley. "YOU JUST DON'T WANNA GET PUNCHED!" giggles Natalie. I find myself wondering if she's drunk. Craig says that it was leaden, heavy, and laboured, and he's afraid to say it was not Audley's finest hour. Len speculates that Audley's best chance of getting to Wembley is "on the Jubilee Line" and says that Craig and Bruno are "wrong" (I love how the other judges "disagree" with each other, while Len just calls people "wrong" when he doesn't like what they said) because it had timing and rhythm, and while it wasn't Audley's best dance, he did his best. He did? Alesha thinks the others are right, and that this dance exposes Audley's troubles, because he's better in ballroom.

Up in the Tess Circle, Natalie opens by telling Audley that he always manages to do the best performance on the night, and he should be congratulated for that. Aww, Natalie. I do love her. Audley quibbles about which station Wembley's on, because he thinks it's the Metropolitan Line (it's served by both of them, I checked, CAN WE MOVE ON PLEASE) [No! Wembley Park is Metropolitan and Jubilee Line, Wembley Central is Bakerloo Line. - Tube geek Carrie]. Audley says that being in hold in ballroom is more suited to him than Latin, but he gave it his best shot. Scores: Craig 3, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 20. "Where's Craig going with 3?" asks Audley. A lot further than that cha-cha-cha ever went, let's be honest, Audley.

Harry and Aliona are next - the audience start screaming before Bruce can ever get to Aliona's name, leaving him spluttering indignantly "he's got a partner!" Heh. Last week, Harry was very pleased with his performance, as were his nipples. He notes that the competition is getting harder, so he'll need to up his game every week. Rehearsals for their Argentine tango are interrupted by the arrival of Tom and Danny, who are apparently a bit bored with half their band off on Reality Show Leave, so they've turned up dressed as gauchos to help out. Harry indicates that this is the opposite of helpful. Tom and Danny do a little dance with each other, and are substantially better than Bloody Lulu.

Their routine is to 'Asi se Baila el Tango', and it's a wonderfully sharp routine with lots of intricate movement, lots of leg-intertwining, and lots of pressing up against each other, which is pretty much what I'm looking for in an Argentine tango. Aliona's actually delivered a serious piece of choreography for once, so it's nice to see that she can do it when she sets her mind to it.

Tom and Danny are very impressed, and Harry gets a standing ovation (a proper, spontaneous one, apparently), but what will the judges make of it? Craig thinks it had authority, dominance, command, control (alt + delete?), filth and he loved it. Len, in full bitchface mode, says that he "understands Craig", and "understands the audience, standing and everything else". Nice. He thought it was a clever routine - note that he said "clever" rather than "good", because Len would sooner pickle his walnuts than say something positive about Aliona's choreography - but didn't see any intensity. Poor Aliona - she really can't win with Len, can she? [No. But she doesn't care, apparently, so they're both as bad as each other. - Carrie] Len didn't feel like he'd beeen transported to a club in Buenos Aires. At this point I'd gladly pay for him to feel like that, as long as he was actually there. There are boos and hisses, and Craig protests that it was full of passion, prompting Len to exclaim "there was no passion, you silly little sod!" Wow. Seriously, can we have Jennifer Grey back? Alesha tells Harry she thinks Len is jetlagged, and she thinks the routine was strong, sexy and passionate (Len is mumbling "give over!" in the background, because heaven forfend any of the other judges actually be allowed to talk or anything) and she thinks he delivered the intensity that the routine required. Bruno called it "moodier than a thunderstorm in the Pampas!" (compare and contrast with "a thunderstorm in Pampers", which is what Len's having right now): strong, manly and with a mean streak. He loved the ganchos, and he thinks Harry has never been stronger or more attractive. Bruce advises Harry to run from Bruno, because he is a Predatory Gay (unlike Russell, who is a Harmless Gay. Don't get confused).

Up in the Tess Circle, Harry is diplomatic about Len being a total wanker, and everyone else just agrees to ignore Len entirely. Hooray! Scores: Craig 9, Len 8 (fuck off Len), Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 37, Harry's highest score so far, despite Len's best efforts to scupper him.

Jason and Kristina are next. He got lukewarm reviews for his rumba last week, but vows to fight back from this terrible setback. He's having trouble getting the hang of the spins for his Viennese waltz, so Kristina sticks him in a gyroscope. They then attempt to dance, and "comically" a "dizzy" Jason crashes into the camera operator. There's also a random interlude from Kylie, telling Jason that she's been watching the show and he still looks as good as he did 20 years ago. That's...nice, I guess.

They're dancing to 'Iris', and Jason is doing Faces again, though the dance itself is very smoothly delivered, very lyrical, and well in keeping with the music. He attempts a fleckerl that looks pretty accomplished, so we know Len'll be happy. It loses a bit of pace near the end, and the final spin where Kristina arches herself right back is a bit off-balance, but on the whole, it was pretty decent. Shame that he once again ends it with a serious Serial Killer Face though.

Len loved the footwork, the movement, and the fleckerl, and liked it a lot in general. I wait for a "but" that never comes. Alesha loved the drama, the connection and the movement around the floor. Bruno thought it had real drive and that Jason was back in the zone tonight. He thought the intricate choreography was used to Jason's advantage. Craig thinks the dance could be a 10, but it's not because Jason's arms are letting him down, because he's not extending all the way and shaping his hands properly. Kristina is doing an epic face of outrage at this. Len grizzles about Craig "picking on his thumbs", having not five minutes ago just berated Harry and Aliona for a perceived "lack of intensity" that no one else saw. I wish Len could issue some sort of pre-show briefing as to what is and what isn't open to criticism, because I get so confused. Actually, I wish Len would just fuck off, that would be a lot easier. It's left to Alesha and Bruce to try to shut Len up. They should get paid extra for that.

In the Tess Circle, Tess makes no effort to disguise that she's reading off her cue cards, while Jason laments that everything felt right this week and yet obviously it wasn't working for Craig. Jason is very excited about the prospect of ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY next week, and talks about the amount of "talent" in the competition, getting all LOLGAY about it. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Bruno's score shows up as 8 on the screen, and the total therefore at 34, and Tess deals with this spectacularly poorly, like dead-air poorly. Brendan shouts excitedly about the prospect of ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY next week, and James covers his mouth.

Randomly, there is now some incredibly pointless ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY-related filler involving some point in history when Bruce was at Wembley for a football match, and wearing red trousers. I'm not recapping it because it is shit and overlong and pointless. We return to the studio, and Tess confirms that it was a 9 from Bruno, and therefore 35 in total. Good, glad that's settled.

Next up are Chelsee and Lovely Pasha. She was very excited about getting straight nines last week. Apparently since Chelsee is prone to shaking her thang in training and snorting when she laughs, this must mean that she is far too common for Saturday night primetime BBC1, and must therefore play the role of Eliza Doolittle to Pasha's Henry Higgins. This VT is kind of offensive, but Chelsee and Pasha are both so completely adorable in it that I'm willing to let it go. [Pasha imitating Chelsee's snorts and miming chicken-wing movement was precious. - Carrie]

They're dancing a foxtrot to 'Doesn't Mean Anything' by Alicia Keys, which is basically the same song as 'Just The Way You Are' by Bruno Mars, which Harry and Aliona used for their foxtrot. The poor singer charged with delivering the song can't reach the notes at all, and it's pretty painful to listen to. Now, we all know by now that foxtrots are a bit of a snooze for me, but this one seems put together pretty well - Chelsee's holding herself correctly, there are some lovely flourishes from Pasha to liven it up now and then, and the footwork looks pretty precise. Unfortunately, about three-quarters of the way through, Chelsee loses her balance on one of the spins and sort of hops around - it's a minor thing, but noticeable enough that it's distracting.

Bruce commends Chelsee on the slide at the end of the routine, and Chelsee pretends to have hurt her back doing it, sending Bruce into Super Panic Mode in case we have to send Chelsee to Invalidsville with Artem. Alesha calls it elegant, graceful and with wonderful arm placement and great control - she thinks Chelsee is the one to beat. Bruno calls her gorgeous and sophisticated, and says he adores her. Craig said that she hopped on that last turn, but she's starting to tick all of his boxes. Len says that she needs to work on her footwork a little bit more, but he loved watching her because he doesn't expect her to be this elegant. Backhanded compliment ahoy! Mind you, I remember when they were doing all of this to Alesha four years ago. This show does love its stereotypes. Chelsee attempts to leave before Bruce gives her permission, and well, who could blame her for trying? Not I.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Chelsee if she's still in character as a lady. "By gosh I am," Chelsee replies, and Pasha cracks up. So adorable. Scores: Craig 9, Len 8, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 36. Chelsee leaps up squealing into Pasha's arms at the 10, as would we all. I have to say though, despite my general stance as the internet's biggest defender of Alesha, even I think it was a bit much to give out a 10 for a routine where the contestant clearly lost her balance, but there you go.

We move on to Anita and Robin, and Bruce reminds us that since that old crone Bloody Lulu got kicked out, Anita is now the oldest person in the competition. We flash back to last week where Jennifer Grey called Anita a "national treasure" and Anita says that she didn't realise she'd become one, but now she wants to be a global one. I may now start using "global treasures" as a euphemism for boobies. Robin explains that the hard part of the Argentine tango for them is the intensity, because normally they're all about the lulz. To tackle this problem, Robin tests Anita's resolve by tickling her with a feather duster, warning her not to laugh. To be honest, I think a much more impressive test of Anita's resolve would be if the show pretended Robin was straight again - if she could get through that without laughing, she can do anything.

Their routine is to 'Tango' from Cirque du Soleil (according to Wikipedia, anyway), and Anita's intense face looks a little bit drunken. There are some nice moments in the routine, but I can't shake the feeling that it reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte makes a deal with the shoe salesman with a foot fetish that he can continue groping her as long as he gives her free shoes. (That imbecilic and offensive plotline, incidentally, is one of the reasons why I have only ever seen about two episodes of that show, and why I consider it to be a hideous pustule on the face of popular culture.)

Bruno likens the routine to Basic Instinct and calls her "sexy mama, queen of drama". Oh Bruno, you'll always be the queen of drama. Craig didn't think Anita was always responding to Robin's lead, and there needs to be more cross and throwaway to the ganchos, but he loved the spins and the routine as a whole. Len liked the smoulder of the dance and the mood and atmosphere, though I'd be at a loss to tell you what Anita and Robin did that Harry and Aliona didn't, other than "not involve Aliona". [That's fair enough. I like dances much better when Aliona is not there. - Carrie] Alesha thinks Anita looks sensational because she is INSPIRATIONAL OLDER WIMMINZ, though she needs to work on strengthening her body (from a dance perspective, obviously, not a physical perspective because WE LOVE YOU ~~LYNDA BELLINGHAM~~ ANITA DOBSON JUST AS YOU ARE!), but the overall mood was wonderful, as Len said.

They scamper up to the Tess Circle, where Tess does not actually give Anita an opportunity to say anything, but I do notice that Harry gives a polite little bob when the queen of drama presents herself. He's got such lovely manners, that one. Scores: Craig 7, Len 9, Alesha 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 33.

Our penultimate couple for the evening are Holly and Brendan. Holly explains in VT form that last week she and Artem almost didn't perform as a result of his back injury, and Artem says that he told the doctors all the hard work would mean nothing if he didn't get to perform. Such a diva, that one. There's a really bizarre shot of Artem's dance shoes lying on their side in the hospital which, if this were a drama and not a reality show, would mean that he was dead. Fortunately, Artem got told by the doctors that it was fine for him to dance as long as he could cope with the pain. Holly says that she wasn't surprised by how well he handled it because she knew he was "going to go and be all Russian about it", but she was impressed to do so well on the leaderboard. There follows a VT in which Brendan quite literally rides to Holly's rescue, a performance that Holly commits to about as much as she commits to everything else on this show. I love Holly so much. There's a weird ménage à trois thing going on because although Brendan is Holly's dance partner for the week, Artem is still choreographing and refusing to remain in his chair despite medical advice (in other words, he's still being all Russian about it). Holly vows to make him proud.

They're dancing a rumba to 'Leave Right Now', and no disrespect to Artem, but I think the first half of this routine is the best Holly's ever danced on this show. I don't know whether she's trying harder so as not to let him down (as laissez-faire as her attitude to the show has been generally, I think she genuinely feels a responsibility not to get herself eliminated in his sick week) or whether she has better chemistry with Brendan than she does with Artem (because she totally does), but whatever the reason, it's working. It does, unfortunately, go a bit wrong in the last 30 seconds or so as the drag across the floor lands a bit awkwardly, and Holly's attempts to move from there into having her legs crossed, and then from there into a standing position as Brendan supports her, are also about as smooth as Bruce's upper lip.

Craig starts off: "I thought we'd got rid of you, Brendan..." Heh. He does go on, however, to say that he's glad Brendan's back because he's loving this new partnership. Artem applauds up in the Tess Circle. Len thinks it was nice and precise, but he'd like to see Holly getting more emotionally involved. Ha! Good luck with that one, Lenners. He also wants her to look up more. Alesha thinks Holly coped well with the partner change, and all the basic rumba steps were there, and she thinks there's more to come from Holly. Bruno loves the sinuousness of Holly's body, and thinks it was a very very good routine.

They make their way up to the Tess Circle, where they're joined swiftly by Artem who gives Holly a big hug and declares the performance awesome. The three of them stand together, and I'm momentarily distracted by how Artem/Holly/Brendan would be a pretty awesome threesome. Admit it: you'd want to be in the middle of that, wouldn't you? Hell yeah. [I totally would. Don't tell Kara. - Carrie] Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Brendan says that it's been a fantastic week, that Holly is a gem, and that Artem's been working wonders with them. Seriously: HOTT. Tess asks, "Have we saved the best for last?"

Well, no, because it's Russell Grant. Still, never mind, eh? In his VT, we revisit his nonsense from last week, which I shall be ignoring as much as humanly possible. Russell says that he knows he may not have the technical know-how, but he's always going to be "Mr Showbiz". Greeeeeat. This week, he's dancing an American Smooth to 'I Am What I Am', because he is GAY, and his "training" VT involves multiple Russell Grants singing the song in some woods somewhere. Feel free to insert your own variation on the "Tulisa's really clutching at straws with this latest line-up for The Risk" joke here. A tired-looking Flavia says that because Russell loves this song so much (BECAUSE HE IS GAY), it's hard to get him to commit to learning the dance instead of singing along. I wouldn't think it matters much at this point to be honest, Flav.

Rundown of choreographic horrors: Russell using Flavia as a pretend piano, random paso doble shaping leftover from last week, promenades that seem very much at odds with the tempo of the backing music at that point, Russell disappearing behind a screen for a full fifteen seconds while Flavia fills furiously before emerging in a gold lamé suit. Hmm, maybe that acute accent shouldn't be there. I'll leave it up to you to decide. The biggest shame is that the dance content itself was reasonably accurate before the costume change, at which point all sense of rhythm and timing goes out the window and they just both run around like idiots jumping up and down. Really, when Russell gets away with this shit week after week, you can see why Aliona doesn't see why she should have to change the way she choreographs.

Len: "I am what I am, you are what you are, and that was what that was." The most sense he's made all night, I think. Alesha thinks it was a dance of two halves: "the first half had a good mix of steps, and the second half was just like a snapshot of your...imagination, which looks like a fun place to be." Heh. Bruno: "You couldn't wait to get out of that closet, could you?" I dunno, he spent about 17% of the routine in there, by my calculations. Bruno concludes: "You really are your own special creation." Craig, who has basically been reduced to single-word sentences by Russell, calls it "immortal".

Up to the Tess Circle they gay, where Russell tells Tess that if he gets to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY, he's got a big entrance. LOL ANAL SEX. I'm so very tired of all of this now. Scores: Craig 5, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Tess asks Russell if he's looking forward to "the roar of over 6,000 people"; Russell is more used to the roar of the over-sixties.

Leaderboard: Harry at the top for the very first time, Chelsee in second, Jason third, Holly fourth, Anita fifth, Alex and Robbie tied for sixth, Russell eighth and Audley is ninth.

The voting lines are opened, and we have a quick recap: Alex being sexy, cute and popular to boot; Robbie needing a loan of Kristina's gyroscope by the look of things; Audley just plain giving up; Harry and Aliona doing a proper routine for once to no avail; Jason and Kristina spinning around, Chelsee sliding on her bottom; Anita being harassed by a foot fetishist; two-thirds of a hot threesome; and some old homo in a shiny suit.

That's it! Someone's going home tomorrow night, and that person is clearly Audley. But who'll be joining him in the bottom two?

Results Show: 13th November 2011

It's Remembrance Sunday, so we're opening with a pro-Jitterbug featuring Ola, Flavia, Katya, James, Vincent and Pasha. Pasha's shirt is open to just above the navel, and...I'm sorry, I don't remember anything else. I was distracted.

Tess has changed out of "last night's" horror dress into one made almost entirely of Andrex, and Alesha appears to have followed suit. I suppose this must be the fashion. She welcomes the judges back to the show, and throws to Claudia, who's ignoring the dress code and wearing her usual black. Claudia teases the upcoming pro-dance from Robin and Kristina, and performances from Christina Perri and André Rieu.

Before all that, though, it's time for a recap VT, I think. Everyone is nervous before going on stage, as has become customary. Len was impressed by Alex's energy, and Alex thinks the effigy has potential to be better than James. He's more docile, certainly. Robbie got reviews that he couldn't whine about, and he hopes it's enough to get him to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY next week. Audley wonders if the public keep saving him because Craig has never given him a decent score. I doubt it, love. Len threw a snit fit about Harry and Aliona's Argentine tango, and is gross about it backstage, doing his usual "wurr gwon" mutterings about how Harry needs to sizzle more in future, while Harry and Aliona declare it their best night so far. Jason says that he's here for the long haul, so getting the odd bit of negative feedback doesn't hurt. Chelsee was pleased about being sophisticated and ladylike, but found it hard work. Len thinks she has a naturalness about her. Anita's Argentine tango got good reviews, and she and Robin celebrate their pair of nines backstage. Brendan says that this was one of his best weeks on Strictly, while somewhere in Scotland a drunken Bloody Lulu hurls abuse and fistfuls of Twiglets at the telly. Holly is nervous about ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY. Len suggests that because Russell has a wonderful time when he dances, we all do too. I beg to differ. Len concludes by saying that all the judges agreed Audley's dance was his worst, and therefore he deserved to be bottom of the leaderboard.

In no particular order, the following couples are through to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY: Robbie and Ola, Chelsee and Pasha, Jason and Kristina and Holly and Brendan. The first couple in the bottom two tonight is...Audley and Natalie. They both do "WHAT A COMPLETE SURPRISE, NO REALLY" faces.

Tess turns to Alesha to ask if Audley and Natalie can survive another bottom two. Alesha is all "*shrugs*", but notes that he can hold his head up high whatever happens. Okay then. Len chips in that the standard of dancing at this point is ZOMG BEST EVARZ and he can't wait for the show to continue.

Claudia is up on the balcony with the safe couples, and turns first of all to Mr Arm Placement, aka Robbie. She asks how happy he is to have finally broken Craig down. Robbie is very happy about this. Then she and Chelsee discuss getting her first ten and Claudia points out Chelsee's complete lack of self-belief, asking if she feels like a dancer yet. Chelsee does not feel like a dancer yet and does not think she is good at it. Claudia despairs. Claudia asks Jason about ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY and he says that it's so famous they've even heard of it in Australia, so it's somewhere they all wanted to get to.

Time for a performance by Christina Perri of 'Jar Of Hearts', which Claudia references as having become a huge success after one performance on "an American dance show". I love that So You Think You Can Dance has become such a painful memory for the BBC that they can no longer mention it by name. Regrettably, this song's main point of reference in the UK is having been performed by Biscuit on The X Factor. [I have never heard of this person or this song, but it was fucking awful. That is all I have to say about it. - Carrie] It's accompanied by a very EMOTIONAL rumba from Robin and Kristina, including some frankly suicidal lifts. Blimey.

After this, it's time to join Claudia and the judges back up on the balcony for Len's Lens. There is no shot of Len behind the camera, which once again shows us how he does not show the same commitment to making this show work that Jennifer Grey did last week. First up is Audley's mic track during his routine, where he was singing along and whooping, God love him. From there we move on to Jason and Kristina's routine, and Len tells us that when he sees a fleckerl, he always likes it. This is BRAND NEW INFORMATION, of course. Alesha talks a bit more about Chelsee not realising how good she is, and pointing out that she hasn't trained as much as everyone else because of Waterloo Road which makes the achievement even more impressive. Unfortuately, Alesha then decides to ruin this by pointing out that it is good that Chelsee is humble. NO ALESHA, HUMILITY IS NEVER GOOD. IT'S COMPLETELY RUINED MISHA B. Claudia turns to Craig and suggests that he was "pernickity" about the kicks in Alex and James's jives and thinks he will change his mind when he sees it in slo-mo. Guess what? This does not happen. Alesha wonders if that was the style they were going for, and Craig points out that there is no such style. Next up is Bruno's face after Anita's routine, where he is basically getting all hot under the collar. Bruno thinks that when somebody puts that much effort into a performance, he just responds to it, adding that Anita always gets the character right. Claudia then makes the unwise decision to poke at Len's Big Sack Of Crazy by asking him about Harry's Argentine tango. Len still believes that this "lack of intensity" is a thing that we can all see, because he is utterly delusional. Len snits that he gave one an eight and one a nine, so it's not like there was a lot of difference in it. Oddly enough, he doesn't suggest everyone else follow my technique of dealing with Len's idiosyncrasies by just pretending he doesn't exist. Finally, a shot of Russell being LOLGAY. I know I can't get enough of those.

Back to Tess now and the remaining couples. Also advancing to next week are: Harry and Aliona and Russell and Flavia. Russell is vile here, running down the stairs screaming "oooooh woooooow" and jumping up and down, bypassing his usual tactic of "aggressive humility" and just going for flat-out "obnoxious". The other couple in the bottom two is Anita and Robin, which means Alex and James are safe and through to ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY. Anita's face crumples. Bruno provides the obligatory shocked reaction because Anita is always SO GOOD, so he does not know why people are not voting for her. "Don't blame the judges!" he insists. Fat chance - she'd have probably been there sooner if you hadn't insisted on overscoring her most weeks. Tess asks Craig how best to succeed in ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY and Craig says that the performances need to be broader and more theatrical because of the bigger space. Yep, you heard, he just gave Russell Grant licence to be more theatrical. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, CRAIG.

Claudia reminds us that it is Remembrance Sunday, and we see a VT of Vincent and Flavia dancing at Silence In The Square. People are very happy to see them and moved by their dancing. The end.

Then we have André Rieu performing 'We'll Meet Again', joined by the Johann Strauss Orchestra as Anton and Erin deliver us a lovely waltz. My focus is distracted by the fact that the part of the song you don't hear as much sounds a lot like the theme from Disney's Winnie The Pooh.

Then Claudia's with the bottom two couples, and it is all old news for her as far as Audley's concerned. Audley suspects he might be going home tonight, especially now that he's up against Anita, and he says that she deserves to go through. Anita says that going from a personal best to going into the bottom two is a bit of a shock, and she'd be devastated to leave the show, but if people think it's time she went, that's just how it goes. Yeah, I really didn't think she'd cope with this moment well. VTs: Audley's is all "LOL BOTTOM TWO AGAIN", while Anita's is all about how she loves the show and doesn't want it to end. She wants people to share the joy that she is feeling.

Tess has the results, and repeats Len's Jubilee Line joke, which he and Natalie giggle at. She also reminds Anita that Bruno called her a "sexy mama queen of drama", but Anita's too distraught to have much of a reaction. The couple going home is...Audley and Natalie, of course. He hugs Anita and says lots of things to her about how it's only right that she stays, which is sweet of him. He heads over to Tess for a chat and says that it has been a very fun experience, before fundamentally misunderstanding how betting odds work: "I think I was 100/1 to go out the first week, so I hope all those people who lost money on me with the David Haye fight got their money back by supporting me now." I'm not much of a betting man, but I'm fairly sure he got every single aspect of that wrong, especially since 100/1 would've been his odds of winning, and he didn't win, so nobody would've made any money betting on that. Natalie is kind enough to thank everyone who voted for them for keeping them in this far. And really, this is not a bad placing for someone who was always destined for an early exit. As I've said before, I think Natalie deserves a lot of credit for getting him this far. RINGER FOR NATALIE NEXT YEAR PLEASE (AND ALSO KATYA THANK YOU). Tess says that Audley has been "knocked out but...never threw in the towel". Indeed.

And there we are! Next week is of course ~~BLACKPOOL~~ WEMBLEY for the biggest Strictly ever. He and Natalie have their final dance to the theme from Rocky, and that's their lot. Join Carrie next week as the remaining couples perform for a crowd of 6,000, otherwise known as "the approximate number of people still watching The X Factor". See you then!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-11-09T18:34:00.007Z

- Everybody's jealous of Bloody Lulu, but she can't help it that she's so popular.
- Apparently the person who's third from bottom with the judges being booted passes for a SHOCK ELIMINATION in these troubled times.
- Brendan is rehearsing with Holly while Artem is injured.
- Robbie made his mum, dad and wife cry with his dancing. And then Craig's score made him cry on Twitter, why are you always so mean, Craig, WAAAAAAAAH.
- In rumbas and cha chas we walk, in samba and jives we step, and in the paso we march. Thanks Karen!
- Artem and Holly's choreography was definitely not wrong for a jive. Thanks again Karen!
- James's interest in Alex as anything beyond an extension to his own ego grows less with each passing second.
- The extensive fashion coverage is still something I do not give one tiny shit about.
- Obviously we're very sympathetic about Artem's back injury, but he's kind of hilarious when he's spaced out on painkillers.
- Holly did the dress rehearsal of her jive with Bruce. Marvellous.
- Brendan will be rumba-ing with Holly this weekend as Artem clearly can't. Artem is determined to be back for ~~BLACKPOOL~~ Wembley.
- Russell is apparently doing the first quickstep-based American Smooth since Alesha's.
- Beverley from North Wales was the only person who (a) thought Jennifer Grey was good and (b) missed Len.
- Brendan, James, Robin and Artem all told Kristina that Jason's rumba was the best male celebrity rumba they'd seen. Of course, at this point Artem was on so many painkillers that he thought Jason was a giant banana.
- Harry's mum sends very eloquent text messages. She also calls him "Dinky", tee hee.
- Aliona is responsible for Harry's frequent exposing of bare skin. See, she's useful for some things.
- Aliona is also planning to incorporate drumming into the paso doble, should they get to dance that. This seems...ill-advised.
- Russell can't watch his own performances. NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL, GRANT.
- I will do anything to avoid actually having to listen to Russell witter on for ten minutes while Flavia and Zoe desperately try to get a word in edgeways, up to and including tidying my sock drawer.
- The "if we can just make it to Wembley" card is being played a lot at this point.
- Tamzin Outhwaite thinks Robbie has lovely top lines, but is bothered by his "broken wrists".
- Natalie had a poorly tummy this week. GET WELL SOON NATALIE <3
- Michael Ball thinks Jason is "living, eating, breathing" this competition. Assuming we're talking about the scenery, then he's definitely doing the second one, yes.
- June Brown has danced Viennese waltzes in Vienna. She's so awesome.
- James does not care for rehearsal etiquette if there's a camera pointing at him.
- The Strictly ladies went out for a knees-up together on Thursday. I'll assume my lack of an invitation was a mere oversight.
- Chelsee definitely trains in the proper shoes, but somehow the cameras just never seem to capture it. Hmmm.

You know you make me wanna - OUT

2011-11-08T18:13:00.008Z

Bonfire Night FIREWORKS
Tx 5th November 2011

Last week, Strictly had a Hallowe'en spectacular. Steve wrote all about it and beautifully [aw, shucks - Steve], so read that rather listening to Tess's somewhat over-egged introduction. This week there will be fireworks, of course, and much Bonfire Night-related punnage as well as Jennifer bloody Grey (irritating) minus Derek Hough (which is a bonus).

Titles!

Here are Bruce and Tess, and as always they begin with inept comedy duo skittery. Bruce tells us he is never going to retire. That's my one hope for next season screwed already, then. Also, I really hate Tess's ingenue acting face, all big eyes and pouting lips. It reminds me of Marty in Grease when she gets caught on camera with Vince Fontaine at National Bandstand.

They remind us of the rules of the competition, and then introduce our celebrities once Tess remembers how to speak: Russell and Flavia; Lulu and Brendan; Chelsee and Pasha; Holly and Artem; Audley and Natalie; Harry and Aliona; Anita and Robin; Robbie and Ola; Alex and James; and Jason and Kristina.

After telling us that Future Head Judge Karen Hardy is on comms this week with Martin Offiah, we begin with Lulu and Brendan. She says Hallowe'en was the best Hallowe'en she has ever had. I don't think I can remember any Hallowe'ens, good or bad. Does anyone really care about it other than kids, Americans and TV producers? She squees about their highest score so far. Oh, schadenfreude, how I love you. Oops, spoilers! She goes home and dances with a mop, and then brushes her teeth, which is one of the weird phobias I have so if I didn't hate her already I'd hate her now.

They're tangoing to Kiss, beginning with some work on the platform, and Lulu's footwork looks rather insecure. Brendan, of course, is counting and instructing her the entire way through it. Does he think we can't see him? Lulu kisses Craig at the end, and I'm SO over that particular contestant-kissing-judge trope I can't even tell you. [If it's not Gavin and Bruno I'm so not interested. - Steve] Bruce thanks our singers Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra, and then welcomes Jennifer Grey, who seems to have yet another new face, although that might just be because she has new hair. Bruce sings for a bit and makes everyone watching wish they were dead. Jennifer begins her judging with a bit of ingratiating "how gorgeous are you?" nonsense. Look, Grey, we're not on Dancing with the Stars now. We need actual constructive criticism. Of the kind that Johnny Castle would give. You dig? Alesha brilliantly talks about making slips during the competition and says that she's sure Jennifer's done the same. Obviously ALESHA never made ANY mistakes during her run in the show. [Darn right she didn't. - Steve] Bruno screeches and says that she should rehearse more. Awesomely, Craig is head judge in Len's absence, which appalls Lulu. He tells her that her posture and frame were awful but he liked her rondee. Very decent of him. Brendan does some ingratiating nonsense in return saying that it is an honour to have Jennifer on the panel. An honour? Srsly? I'm sick of this already and I'm only 15 minutes in. To the Tess Circle! Scores - Craig 5, Jennifer 8, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7. Lulu does her howl from the start of Shout. Shut UP.

Audley and Natalie are the next up this evening. They're doing a Viennese waltz. Also, Audley has big feet. This being the case, they go to the boxing gym to practise footwork around a punchbag. Which is, of course, what we all would do. They have a bridge on the dance floor, all the better for literal choreography to I'm With You. Natalie is obviously doing most of the dancing and rotation, but Audley is pointing his foot and attempting the arm extensions, and looks pretty good. Plus the fact that he looks so happy to be there and dancing with Natalie - that's always a selling point.

Alesha wants Audley to take more ownership of the dance, and says that he was endearing. Bruno says that Audley obviously loves dancing with Natalie and treats her like a precious china doll. Craig notes how much Audley is trying, particularly with regard to hand shaping, but suggests that he tuck his tongue away when he is dancing. Jennifer makes a pun on "oddly"/"Audley" [I totally didn't get that at first. Bloody Americans coming over here and expecting us to get their accented puns, etc etc. - Steve] and then talks about him having big feet. Scores - Craig 5, Jennifer 8, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 27.

Harry and queen of rotten choreography Aliona next. They inform us that the samba is technically quite easy, but very tricky to make look comfortable and natural. Aliona bores on about the samba being sexy and hard. FNAR. So then they walk around the West End in samba outfits, much to the consternation of a lady in a coffee shop.

They're dancing to Stevie Wonder's I Wish. Aliona kicks her legs high, Harry sneers. Maybe that's a sexy face? They do a bit of work side by side which looks strange, and I'm not sure why - perhaps because Harry's legs are camouflaged by the dark shadows that have fallen over the singers Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra. Bruno growls at Harry's chest and is intrigued to note what his hips can do. He says there wasn't quite enough bounce and it seemed forced - "you have to let it flow out of you. Out of your body. Not my body." EW. Craig also thinks Harry's see-through shirt was a distraction. Jennifer says that if her husband wasn't in the audience she might have found the dance quite exciting. Oh, OK, Grey, I'll laugh. Alesha says the samba steps he was given were performed well. Ooh, BURN! [Alesha was on excellent form this week. Len should go away more often. Actually, even if it made no difference to Alesha's performance, Len should still go away more often. - Steve] Scores - Craig 8, Jennifer 9, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 33.

After Bruce tells us that he loves a happy ending (too much information) Anita and Robin are doing the Charleston. Last week she was nervous because that was her hardest dance to date, and she finds it tricky to stand like a dancer after 50 years of standing like an actress. They do a skit complete with foam guns to the Bugsy Malone soundtrack. Robin's accent is shocking.

Very bravely, Anita begins the routine to some kind of Cole Porter medley dancing by herself (and also very bravely, there is pretty much no back to her dress). She's such an old jazz-hands type this really suits her - all gurning and grins. Craig says it lost some swivel but she brought the dance to life. Jennifer says that she sees why Anita is a national treasure. Alesha says it captured the spirit of the dance. Bruno shouts a list of random nouns. Tess patronises Anita for being OLD. Scores - Craig 7, Jennifer 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 31.

Talking of old hams, Jason and Kristina. And a rumba. Oh, this is going to be painful. Kristina wants him to be romantic and think of his first date - cue 70s-style sketch with chest wig and moustache. They're dancing to Killing Me Softly With His Song, and Kristina's hair looks so beautiful I am distracted. Jason's making some odd shapes, I think his lines are a bit harsh, and his face is a study in epic concentration. Or probably he's trying not to sweat too much as Kristina performs gymnastic moves balanced on his lap. Jennifer says she was killed softly by the rumba but she wants more lust. Fair enough. Alesha says she was bored because it felt contrived. Bruno says that usually Jason's performances are good but this was focused on just the steps. Craig thought it was too serious and focused, and exposed Jason. Alesha chimes in that it is a hard dance, because Len is not there and somebody needs to say it. Scores - Craig 6, Jennifer 8, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Jason and Kristina throw themselves out of the nearest window.

Alex and James now. Last week, they were pleased, and Craig found their dance erotic. This week they are doing the quickstep, and their rehearsal makes it look like the worst quickstep in the history of dancing. James is an utter tosser as usual, and tries to pretend he is being funny by dressing as a drill sergeant, but you can tell he LOVES it. [That joke was done much better by Tina Barrett in LA 7. - Steve]

They're dancing to It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing, and Alex's dress is a lovely colour of blue. She's also acting the part for all she's worth, but that doesn't hide her various missteps and the fact that when they do their cross-floor diagonal runs James is dragging her. They topple over at the end. Good work, guys. Alesha notes the mistakes but thought it was classy and suited her. Bruno thought it started well but there were lots of errors, but of course overall that doesn't matter. Craig points out some timing issues but thought it was full of personality. Jennifer likens it to champagne - bubbly, effervescent and made her feel giddy. Oh, what the fuck ever. Scores - Craig 7, Jennifer 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 31.

Robbie and Ola are doing the waltz after last week's triumph of caping that was their paso. They go to dance at half-time at the football. A man who looks like former England cricket captain Michael Vaughan wanders into camera shot during Robbie's ptc, and then quickly wanders back again. Guess how this routine to Love Ain't Here Any More starts? It starts with them doing box steps around each other, and then Ola twirls around him for a bit. Robbie looks a bit heavy on his feet, and his head is at some weird angles. Again, my attention is drawn elsewhere - the band sound like they're about to attempt a key change, but actually it's just the lead singer veering out of tune. Robbie and Ola then sit on some steps, because they've not noticed that Len isn't there this week and aren't guaranteed points for that. Bruno says it was Robbie's most correct performance to date. Craig liked the rise and fall but thought it was devoid of emotion, and that Robbie was too tense. Jennifer loved the athleticism being brought to the dance floor, which is apparently exciting. That woman needs to get out more. Alesha thought Robbie danced it well. Thanks, Alesha! Scores - Craig 6, Jennifer 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno ("for Len!") 7 for a total of 29.

Last week, Russell and Flavia camped around the floor but nobody cares because he is our friendly pet gay who is friends with Kylie. Flavia takes Russell to play rugby in preparation for the paso because it is MANLY and he is GAY and likes MEN. On the ballroom floor, Russell is dressed as Christopher Biggins and is humping a bucking bronco. Oh, I can't watch this. It's pathetic.

*fast-forwards*

Craig says it was astonishing. That is all he has to say. Jennifer murmurs some platitudes about entertainment. Alesha talks about interpretation and fun. I don't listen to Bruno because this is nonsensical. Scores - Craig 4, Jennifer 7, Alesha 6 and Bruno 7 for a total of 24. Seriously?

Chelsee and Pasha! Last week she had a wardrobe malfunction and cried. This week she is being fun and...like the Karate Kid? For her Charleston? Unsure. At the start of the routine they're both dancing alone and Chelsee looks a little bow-legged. And then they're dancing together and frankly I'm watching Pasha in his adorable vest and braces. Good routine altogether, though. Jennifer makes "baby" references and my patience with her has now officially worn out. Alesha says Chelsee is a natural dancer and they are in sync all the time except for when they're not. Bruno calls Chelsee a "flapper" except it sounds like "slapper" and praises Pasha's choreography. Craig thought it was fabulous. Scores - Craig 9, Jennifer 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Last couple of the evening are Holly and Artem. Their American smooth was fantastic, says Holly. This week they have the jive - "I just can't do it at that pace!" she wails. So to solve this problem they drive around in some fast cars with Ron Dennis. Now everything is better! Except not really. Holly is noticeably out of sync with Artem for most of their kicks and flicks and she looks very tired. Alesha says they both looked exhausted but it was a cool and sophisticated jive. Bruno thought it had a twist and a swagger. Craig says usually Holly is Australian, but apparently that jive was not in fact Australian. Scores - Craig 8, Jennifer 9, Alesha 8 and Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

And that's it! Vote vote vote, except not, because it's now four days later and the lines are closed! Who will go? Find out shortly...

Results show

Welcome back to the Strictly Bonfire Night extravaganza! What will happen?

Pro dance! The girls are doing sexy dancing against screens! Just what we need for Sunday night family entertainment!

Tess thanks them profusely, and re-welcomes the judges. Jennifer Grey looks worryingly like Arlene in a certain light; Alesha seems to have skinned Big Bird and crawled inside his corpse.

Time to fill some more space with a backstage montage VT. Lulu is faux humble; Harry is faux unsexy; Anita loves the 1920s; Jason looks like he's about to cry because he's not everyone's favourite any more; Alex and James cackle about falling over; Russell talks bull; Chelsee says she can't stop smiling, so Pasha tells her to stop smiling; Holly does the "poor Artem, he is INJURED" spiel. Craig swaggers down the corridor talking about being "acting head judge".

So some results! Who's safe? Well, Anita and Robin; Holly and Artem; Russell and Flavia; and Harry and Aliona. In the bottom two - poor Audley and Natalie. Craig thinks Audley has done "amazingly well" but this is not a surprise. Elsewhere, Claudia fawns over the safe couples as Anita plays the "I'm SIXTY-TWO, you know, dear! Yes! I said, I'm SIXTY-TWO!" card and Artem reminds us his spine has fallen off or something.

Hey, it's Westlife! They are FURLYING Without Wings! And without stools. But...but...if Westlife don't have stools to sit on, my entire concept of the world is BROKEN.

Now! We have to sit through Jen's Lens, which is marginally more palatable than Len's one. Mostly they talk about how much they all fancy Harry, and how Bruce is harassing Holly.

Sir Bruce Forsyth is now going to treat us to a song-and-dance routine.

*fast-forwards*

More results! Who else is safe? Alex and James; Chelsee and Pasha; Robbie and Ola; but Lulu and Brendan are not (meaning that Jason and Kristina are also through). Bruno is very surprised but he understands it because Lulu is so inconsistent. As we recover from that shock, it's the men's turn to show off, with a pro dance that involves hats, tight trousers and hip-thrusting. [And Matt Flint from So You Think You Can Dance, much to my distress. - Steve]

Sympathetic Claudia consoles Audley and Lulu, and their "I really want to stay till next week!" VTs play. Audley talks about losing weight and that he has enjoyed the experience whatever happens; Lulu talks about herself a lot. So who will be going?

Why, it's Lulu and Brendan! Everyone looks stunned, but Lulu's face is EPIC. She says it has been the experience of a lifetime. Brendan talks about how he loves being part of the show. Tough luck, Cole, see you next year. [Except Artem's broken, so he's coming back next week for Holly. You can't keep a good man down, I guess. - Steve] So they take to the floor for their final dance as Tess reminds us that Len will be back next week, which I'm sure we're all looking forward to. Join us then!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-11-02T22:14:00.007Z

- Nancy has decided to keep dancing at least three times a week. That's at least three times a week more than she managed while she was actually in the competition.
- Anton would like either Erin or Alesha to win this year. I'd be happy with either of those, especially if the only other option is Jason.
- In a fish-lift, you should have your knee facing down and not square-on. I've never had a square-on, but it sounds painful.
- Bloody Lulu didn't have as many wires for her flying as Widdy did.
- Dr Pamela's Corner Of The Obvious appears to have been cancelled. Hooray!
- Karen doesn't want to see a showdance every week. Clearly, the scars of Lisa Snowdon are still as raw for her as they are for the rest of us.
- Widdy's Question Time, sadly, lives on.
- Alex identified her role in her paso doble as "woman in white". She's clearly not one for getting hung up on building a backstory.
- Matt Baker is Alex's "fifth judge". He can't be worse than Darcey Bussell, anyway.
- I'm still ignoring all the segments about the dresses as a matter of principle.
- Harry appears to have been seriously drinking Aliona's Khoreography Kool-Aid.
- Aliona thinks Harry looks like a sloth.
- Anita's word for a dance step she's got wrong is a "doodleflap".
- Princess Beatrice is voting for Holly. Unless Prince Charles vetoes it. (POLITICAL COMMENT!!!!)
- Holly's worried that for the jive Artem is going to make her do upside down things. He's going to have to do a lot of explaining to Kara, etc etc.
- Jason chose the music for his rumba with Kristina: 'Killing Me Softly With His Song', which is his dad Doug Willis's favourite song. It also reminds Zoe of a bedsit, but it's best we don't delve too deeply there.
- Holly is wearing men's shoes this week.
- Jennifer Grey's English accent is not great, but her Len impression is still better than Rory's.
- Alesha has inadvertently been the conduit for Russell Grant striking up a Twitter friendship with Kylie Minogue.
- Pasha "had a professional look" after Chelsee's feared nip-slip to make sure nothing was showing. Anyone wanting a "professional look" at Pasha, form an orderly queue behind me.
- Melc wants to do a version of the show somewhere because Scary and Baby both had such a good time. However, she did have dance lessons as a child and would therefore be a DIRTY RINGER.
- BIGGINS did Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with Jason and he (Jason) was not a good dancer at the time. Hmm, can't imagine what those alleged extra dance lessons he took before starting the show might have done to change things since then.
- Ola still occasionally needs to remind herself that the results are done on SUNDAY. Sunday. Definitely not Saturday. Sunday.

Graveyard shift

2011-10-29T22:28:00.012+01:00

Top 11/Hallowe'en Week: 29th October 2011

Last week: the show was both a sweet dream and a beautiful nightmare, as Chelsee overtook Jason at the top of the leaderboard at long last, while Flavia channeled Drowzee, the scariest of Pokémon, and ATE RUSSELL'S DREAMS NOM NOM NOM. Elsewhere, Len suggested that Nancy might be that rare type of dancer who functions better when flipped 180º on a vertical axis, Robbie crashed into a camera in a manner that turned out not to have been deliberate, Alex's rumba DEFINITELY HAD NO CHOREOGRAPHY PROBLEMS, Alesha doled out the first ten of the series (*pause for the obligatory grumbling that this inevitably provokes*) and Rory Bremner was eliminated, but at least Erin wasn't wearing anything terribly embarrassing when it happened.

Tonight, on the other hand, it's Hallowe'en, which means everyone is going to be the epitome of self-restraint, especially Jason. Oh, who am I kidding? It's going to be an utter hamfest of the level that even Pamela Stephenson might say "dial it down a bit, love". Poor Alex Jones has spent the last two or three weeks on the edge of her nerves anyway, so God only knows what they're planning to do to her this week. Possibly tie her to a chair with rats nibbling her toes, a tarantula sits on her face, and her eyes pinned open while Carol Vorderman's rumba plays in front of her on an Imax screen on a continuous loop.

Titles! I miss Katya.

We open with perhaps the best thing the show has done in a very long time: a massive Hallowe'en group dance. It begins with Alex, Holly and Bloody Lulu expressing frustration at their broken-down car, with Bloody Lulu's acting being exactly as awful as you'd expect if you saw those hideous "cholesterol challenge" adverts. I assume that Alex and Holly have specifically planned for this breakdown to happen and for Bloody Lulu to get eaten by bears, because that's the only reason I can think of why any sensible person (or indeed Alex Jones) would get into a car with Bloody Lulu in the first place. Holly runs up to some spooky looking gates and pulls the doorbell, at which point the theme from The Addams Family plays. In a wonderful touch, we cut to the judges looking straight ahead while doing the finger clicks, while five of the professional dancers pop up behind them in various degrees of fright wig. The gates open at which point we discover some excellent casting: Harry as Gomez, Nancy as Morticia (full marks to whoever made that call), Chelsee as Wednesday, Jason as Uncle Fester, Robbie as Cousin Itt, Audley as Lurch, Russell as Pugsley and Anita as Grandmama. If only Edwina were still here to take her rightful role as The Thing. Everyone hams their way around the dancefloor in a vaguely choreographed fashion, as if anyone's even interested in the dancing at this point, and Jason devours the scenery as is his wont. Interestingly, Russell is oddly restrained in this whole scenario. Deliberate character decision, or just a bit bored? You be the judge.

Then the floor is instantly cleared (spooky!) and ARGH OH MY GOD IT'S SO HORRIBLE MAKE IT STOP-- oh, my mistake, it's just Bruce and Tess. Daly Dresswatch: an asymmetrical off-the-shoulder sequinned black number that would be passable if not for the inexplicable bit of black rubber tubing around the top. Bruce launches into an overlong anecdote in which he's visited by a shrouded figure telling him it's time to cross over to the other side, the punchline being, of course, that Bruce is never going back to ITV. Shame, because they had a vacancy on The X Factor this week and everything. Just imagine how amazing special guest judge Bruce Forsyth would have been. No? Suit yourselves. Tess falls over her lines, and then it's time to meet the stars of our show: red devil (not Manchester United supporter, as far as I know) Russell Grant, somehow wearing even more make-up than last week, and his partner Flavia; Bloody Lulu pretending to be Christine from Phantom again and her partner Brendan; Chelsee Healy with her uncooperative dress (more on that later) and her partner Pasha Kovalev; Holly Valance and her partner Artem, who have come as Black Swan and regardless of the quality of the dance have already won my "best of the night" award entirely on a sartorial level; Audley Harrison and his partner An Orange Tree -- sorry, Natalie; Harry Judd, Drowning In Guyliner and his partner Aliona; Anita Dobson, who's come a bit early for Christmas Tree Decoration Week and her partner Robin, Robbie Savage as Michael Jackson and Ola as Limahl; Nancy Dell'Olio, auditioning for Sky Living's forthcoming remake of Ice Warriors and her partner Anton; Alex Jones and her partner Count Von Count (likely score for their routine this week: ONE AH AH AH!); and Jason Donovan and his partner Kristina, oddly anticlimactic in their rather nice sea-green outfits.

Bit of banter between Bruce and Len until we discover that Craig is missing, which brings us to the second best thing the show has done in a very long time: Craig being flown in from the ceiling on a broomstick, waving regally, while everyone boos. He's found his true calling in panto, that one. Bruce makes an obscene comment about the broomstick which is still less offensive than last week's Nancy joke, so we'll move on. Tess explains the scoring system once again, and Bruce warns that one couple is about to face a gruesome end. Future Head Judge Karen Hardy is joined by Adam Garcia in the commentary box, hopefully asking him lots of questions about Britannia High, all of them consisting simply of the word "WHY?" Karen's spooky Hallowe'en hair for this evening, incidentally, is far less terrifying than whatever she'd had done to it for It Takes Two on Tuesday.

Up first are Russell and Flavia with their samba, and Craig is still grasping his broomstick (not a euphemism) during their intro. I wonder if he'll be holding it all night. Russell enjoyed last week's routine and its Epic Storytelling That Bruno Interpreted Amazingly. There's a brief "OW MY KNEE" interlude in which I fail to discern the difference between Russell's "my joints are hurty" face and his "my acting is hammy" face. There follows some mild bollocks about their training room being haunted, which would have benefited hugely from the involvement of Yvette Fielding, but I suspect they ran out of money after that amazing opening number, to be honest.

Their routine is to a synth-tastic interpretation of Kylie's 'Better The Devil You Know' (full marks to Our Fabulous Singers Dave Arch, And His Wonderful Orchestra for a very faithful interpretation). They start out vamping behind some billowing bits of fabric with fans underneath them, one of which Flavia inadvertently tramples as she makes her way onto the dancefloor. There's not an awful lot to distinguish between this and Russell's samba, but I'm at least grateful that Flavia's started giving him actual routines to do that bear some resemblance to the brief, and not just the "WOO! SHIMMY! WOO! ON A PRIDE FLOAT!" crap that she did for his cha cha cha. I'm not entirely sure about the bit where she does a backbend and he drums on her stomach, incidentally. I think even Gary Rhodes using Future Head Judge Karen Hardy as an air keyboard was less cringeworthy. There are also some close-ups of Russell shaking his arse, which I can only assume is the "gruesome end" to which Bruce was referring earlier.

Bruce thanks the band, and for once it's deserved. There are no introductions for the judges this week, though special mention should go to Alesha's outfit, which has a terrifyingly huge ruffle on her left shoulder, possibly as insurance against Bruno touching her up this week. Seriously, that thing could take his eye out. Len thinks Russell caught his bum alight coming through the flame because he really started dancing tonight - there were a few mistakes, but he's got the feelgood factor. Alesha thinks Russell and Kylie are a perfect match, and that the samba really suits him. Bruno thinks he couldn't squeeze out more fun if he tried, but he went wrong quite a few times because there was actual content in the routine this week. Craig reckons the dancing let Russell down as the timing was out, but he has great double-bounce action.

They amble up to the Tess Circle, where Russell admits that he did get a lot of the steps wrong. Flavia tries to shush him, but he points out that the judges saw it: "darling, they're not daft." Heh. Flavia's going to kick his ass later for that little bout of sass. His knee's all strapped up, by the way, and he's going to be fine. Scores: Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22. Tess asks Russell what he makes of that four from Craig, and Russell says that he got too much wrong to warrant more than that, the "from Craig" part of that sentence remaining unspoken. He's happy with 22, that was the number of his first house in Wembley. Fascinating stuff, eh?

Chelsee and Pasha are next. Pasha with his hair all spiked up and the faintest hint of eyeliner are giving me all sorts of inappropriate feelings SO LET'S JUST MOVE ON QUICKLY. Chelsee explains that knowing that the judges enjoyed her performance last week was a confidence boost, but she's just going to take it dance by dance, week by week, and then she and Pasha say "step by step" at the same time, and squeal. These two are so cute together, it might actually break some sort of law. Chelsee's training footage is soundtracked by the B-52s' 'Rock Lobster', otherwise known as THE GREATEST SONG EVER RECORDED, so once again I take my hat off to the music editors on this show. Chelsee worries that the tango doesn't suit her because she's not seductive. For reasons that are never made entirely clear, Pasha then takes Chelsee off to a hall filled with small children wearing masks. I think the only point of this segment is that Pasha + cute kids = *ovaries exploding*, as far as I can tell. Hey, it works for me. Chelsee and Pasha dance for the children, and the children deliver their best Craig Revel Horwood impressions, because he's who they all want to be when they grow up, except one kid, who clearly wants to be Len. I mourn the lack of ambition in the youth of today.

Their tango is to 'Love Potion Number Nine' and involves Chelsee emerging from a cauldron after Pasha pours glitter all over her. The routine starts well - it's dynamic, full of attack and well-acted, and despite what Chelsee says, she's pretty good at being smouldering with Pasha. I also like that Pasha's able to choreograph a distinctly Hallowe'en-themed routine that's still recognisable as a ballroom dance, something that not everyone manages this evening. Unfortunately, just over halfway through things go a bit wrong and Chelsee has a slight wardrobe malfunction which distracts her quite a lot - we see her look down and hastily try to pull her dress up without breaking her flow or her hold, which she does just about manage, but at the end she's far too thrown by trying to sort out the slip to the point where the dance just gets away from her and she looks lost. I don't think there's ever any great danger of any real exposure - I think there's the barest outline of nipple, but that's it - but Chelsee's clearly greatly distressed by the whole thing and bursts into tears as soon as the routine's over.

They walk over to Bruce with Pasha valiantly trying to shield her from the cameras, and Bruce experiences a bit of confusion as to why she's crying - and when he finds out what happened, he pulls open his jacket and stands in front of her. Yes, thanks Bruce - I'm sure that exactly what Chelsee needs when she's just nip-slipped in front of ten million viewers is to have you flash her. Alesha tells Chelsee that she has nothing to cry about, because she covered it up so well (fnar) and it didn't distract from the dance at all. Except for the points where it totally did, but Chelsee's in such a state at this point, that I think Alesha telling her what she wants to hear is probably in her best interests on this occasion. Alesha adds that if anything she's raised her game from last week because it was clean, sharp and full of attack, and that she needs to leave with a smile because this partnership is working. Bruno calls her a "wicked little dancer" and says that of course she lost a bit of her footing with the wardrobe malfunction, but she did a great dance and showed great musicality. "It happens to everybody," Bruno insists. I bet it happens to Bruno more often than most, though. Craig would've liked to see it a bit more grounded through flexed knees, because she was on her toes too much. He adds that she coped quite well with the dress problem, but it was the cause of the dance being a bit of a mess at the end, though the routine was feisty and firey and everything they expect from her. Len thought it was a good dance, which could've been sharper near the end, but overall it was fabulous.

Chelsee makes her way up rather numbly to the Tess Circle, at which point Robin is on hand to give her a long red scarf, which I think must've been part of Anita's costume? Either that or someone from the wardrobe team handed it to him to give to her. Tess reassures Chelsee that we didn't see anything, but Chelsee's still completely mortified and not really up for talking. Pasha says he's very proud of her for the way she handled everything. Tess reminds Chelsee that she topped the leaderboard last week, and asks if she might do it again. Chelsee, uneasily: "No." This really wasn't any easier to watch a second time round - poor, poor Chelsee. [On the plus side, she has apparently now realised that her ridiculous breasts are too big for her. - Carrie] Scores are in: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Chelsee's shocked that they scored her so highly, but she's "made up".

Audley and Natalie are our third couple of the evening. Last week, Audley's foxtrot gave Len an erection, and now we can officially never talk about that again, yes? Audley explains that he is a competitor and taking it all seriously, hoping to turn up each week and be better than last time. Which would be a marvellous idea, except...this week he's got the jive. In his VT, Natalie wishes him a happy birthday, and Audley states that even though it's his birthday, he's not going to be slacking and he is in fact working extra hard, which doesn't exactly correspond with the report on It Takes Two that they missed two and a half days of training this week, but whatevs. I guess he's just working extra hard in the time he actually had to rehearse, or something. Natalie reminds us that the jive will be a hard dance for Audley, but does not specify that this is because he is A Tall Person. Audle's wife and adorable daughter pay him a visit - his daughter is a dead-ringer for Raven-Symoné in her Cosby Show years, which makes it even funnier. They have a little dance together, and it is very cute.

Their routine is to the prologue from Little Shop Of Horrors and begins with Audley miming along to the piano while Natalie jives alone - perhaps a wise choice, because this is indeed not a good dance for Audley once he actually gets up and starts having a go himself. It's a shame, because he's clearly trying, but there's just too much of him to really make the jive a realistic possibility - he's energetic and enthusiastic, but his dancing is plodding and heavy and rather flat-footed. Natalie's choreographed a fun routine for them to do, though - again, it merits saying that she's one of the best choreographers that this show has in its arsenal, because she's kept it reasonably simple in accordance with Audley's skill level, but it's still visually interesting; they cover a lot of the floor and the routine itself is not noticeably repetitious. It ends with Natalie collapsing into a venus flytrap, which is an oddly sexual image that it's probably best we don't dwell upon too much.

Bruno thinks Audley got into the spirit of it - "big smile, great personality, terrible footwork". He reminds us that the jive is all about sharpness, and is a hard dance for anyone to do, especially A Tall Person, and he did his best. Craig says that Audley made "a gallant effort" but is physically unsuited to this dance, which was "cumbersome" - but he has a lovely smile. Len thought it had rhythm and good timing, and commends Audley for Having A Go. (I think you could clear the board on Strictly Bingo with the comments for this dance alone.) Alesha loved the concept, but thinks Craig and Bruno are right - it needed to be bouncier and light, and the kicks and flicks weren't there, but it was great to see him giving it his best.

Up in the Tess Circle, Natalie exclaims that it was "so much fun", and I love her for that - I think she genuinely does have a blast on this show, and I think she does her best to make sure her partner does as well. I know Audley's circling the drain at this point and has got probably a maximum of two weeks left, but it's to Natalie's credit that he made it this far at all, I think. Audley tells Tess that he enjoyed it, and Natalie reminds us that he had to go back to America this week, so they didn't have as much training time as they would've liked. Audley flashes his smile a bit more for Craig, and the scores are in: Craig 3, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 20. We finish on a joke about Audley hitting Craig, and I do wish they'd stop those, because that's the one thing about Audley I really don't like.

Alex and James are next, on at the front end of the show again. She's never been later than fourth in the running order, though I suppose she's never really produced the sort of dance worthy of building up to. Alex's VT recalls her terrible feedback from last week, and she resolves to just "get out of the catsuit and move on". James's systematic torture of Alex continues as he leaps out from behind some gym equipment wearing a Hallowe'en mask and scares the living shit out of her. My "Free The One Show One" campaign continues apace. In light of Alesha's recommendation to take more risks last week, James drags Alex off to do some abseiling. She has another breakdown as she scales down the wall, and shrieks "JAMES!" as he stands there laughing at her. What a prince. James then joins her halfway down the wall and starts throwing her around. She reacts to this as joyously as you would expect.

They're dancing a paso doble to 'Bring Me To Life', as vampiric princess Alex awakes on a slab and does a bit of passable skirt work before being joined by Count Von Count, and it all goes rather wrong. I mean, it's an improvement on last week because having a storyline to grab onto gives Alex a bit of life, but the routine's just sloppy and lacks timing and Alex looks pretty terrified throughout. There are a couple of individual nice moments, but they're swamped by things like Alex trying to do an appel a good two seconds before James does, and some generally clumsy footwork, as well as a sense of this being a triumph of fabric-waving over actual content.

Craig quite liked the Dracula theme and thought they played it extremely well - it was the total antithesis of last week and he almost found it erotic ("that probably says a lot more about me than about you"). Len was expecting a Hammer House Of Horrors, but liked the confidence with which Alex started, and he thought the dance had intensity, though there was too much "frock-wafting" for his taste. Alesha loved the beginning and Alex's risk-taking, she thought it was atmospheric and Alex had a breakthrough this week. Bruno likens it to Kate Bush and comments that Alex's strength has improved since last week, as she's linking her lines and being assertive.

Tess calls it "a dance resurrection", and Alex points out that there was room for improvement after last week. She says that she looked scared because James does the vampire thing so well, even though he's dressed like a six-year-old trick-or-treater, and James notes with some disdain that she finds it easier to get aggressive with him than romantic. Yes, I can't think of anything in their relationship as shown in the training footage that would suggest why this might be. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. For once, James has nothing to bitch about, and we are all eternally thankful.

Next up are Holly and Artem, and I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS ROUTINE I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU. If Lyn Scully runs on in the middle sobbing "where's my sweet girl?" and Holly snaps "SHE'S GONE!", then they've definitely got my vote. Holly recalls her Viennese waltz from last week and says that she enjoyed the prettiness of it, but she didn't think she quite pulled it off, and watching it back, she thought she looked like a dog's breakfast. Artem agrees that they're always missing something every week, and that Holly doesn't understand how good she can be. Their training footage does not address this, however, because they're too busy going to the fair. WOO! Specifically, they're going to Saw: The Ride at Thorpe Park, which appears to be one of those places where they keep you in pitch darkness and have jobbing actors scream in your face every couple of minutes. By far the scariest thing about this is that those poor souls probably trained at Rada. There's a bit of a skit at the end where Holly makes it out first, while Artem stands in a corner sobbing and Blair Witch-ing into the camera that if anyone finds this footage, he loves Kara and he wants Holly to know he's sorry that he never made it to rehearsals. On his exit, Artem gives it the full pantomime expression of horror, while Holly stands there with a bucket of candyfloss, offering the barest possible level of commitment to the comic shenanigans, which is one of many reasons why I love her.

Their routine is an American Smooth, in name if nothing else, and while there are probably those who were horrified at the liberties Artem took with the choreography this week, I actually really enjoyed it: there's enough in hold for it to pass as a ballroom dance, but the rest of it is all massively pretentious faux-ballet stylings and massive melodrama, which I'm eating up with a spoon. There's still a bit of a disconnect with Holly, in that I don't feel she's giving it her all, and one lift in particular just involves her sort of flopping in Artem's arms rather than holding herself with any particular intent, but she is slowly getting there on that front, and you could absolutely make the case that when the choreography is this overblown, it's better to underplay the actual dancing lest the whole thing look like...well, Jason Donovan.

Len says he wants the clocks to go back RIGHT NOW and not at 2am because he thought it was terrific. That's interesting: I would have bet the farm on Len absolutely hating that, but apparently he's in a good mood tonight. Well, at least until Aliona arrives, anyway. He would've liked to see more in hold, but on the whole it was terrific. Alesha thinks they look incredible and it's her favourite concept so far. She thought Holly's lines and shape were great and she loved the originality of it, and she thinks this is the dance that shows Holly as a contender. Bruno says that he thought this was going to be a mess, but that Holly produced a performance of great artistry, and her top lines were just exquisite. Craig thinks it was a high-risk and perilous concept, but Holly made it work. The audience has no idea whether they should be cheering this comment or not, but opt to do so anyway.

Up to the Tess Circle they fly, and Tess mistakenly attributes Craig's comments to Bruno, while Holly says that this has been her favourite dance so far, and that they've worked really hard this week. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35, the best score of the night so far. Holly begs us to vote in her usual curiously nonchalant way.

Nancy and Anton are next. Nancy makes no attempt whatsoever to look at the camera during their intro. Anton's hair has been streaked with white, and actually looks a lot better like that. I think he should just go the full Schofield and have done with it, to be honest. Nancy was disappointed with herself last Saturday, because she knew she could've done much better. This week they've got the rumba, and their routine involves a coffin, which Nancy insists must be "very sparkly, very Strictly" - so of course Anton obtains a rotten-looking wooden one to practice with instead. Cue Nancy arriving and dropping her expensive handbag on the floor in outrage. Say what you like about Nancy, but she sells these comic VTs like no one else does. Nancy interviews that if she doesn't get a luxury coffin on the night, then she is DUNZO.

Fortunately, they have indeed given her a sparkly prop coffin for the actual routine, from which she emerges, drinking from a sparkly wine glass. The routine is to 'Spooky' by Dusty Springfield, and Anton's made the brave/kamikaze* (delete as appropriate) decision to have Nancy open the routine by herself, so she vamps (she's a zombie, but she'll always be a vamp will our Nancy) to the front of the stage and do a strange sort of gyration while stroking her leg that somehow manages to be the least sexy thing since Len last talked about his private parts. It's enough to raise Zombie Anton from his undead slumber, however, and he joins her for a dance, which involves Nancy grabbing him by the neck and doing a spot of spontaneous vertical planking. There are some faintly passable sections but Nancy looks completely sleepy throughout, and Anton even chucks in that same bloody lift again, which is not only illegal (not that anyone even notices anymore) but also an indication that he is now creatively bankrupt as far as Nancy is concerned. He's done all he can, and he can do no more. It ends with Nancy shoving him into the coffin and sitting on the lid, which I think is at least one thing we can all relate to in this routine.

Anton complains about having yet another uncooperative feather boa to work with, and Bruce asks Nancy if she enjoyed that, which prompts another extensive monologue from Nancy. After she's eliminated, they're going to be able to shave at least an extra five minutes off the running time just for those. This one doesn't even add anything new, it's just a Rashomon-style retelling of her intro VT from inside the head of Nancy Dell'Olio. Alesha thinks Nancy is sexy, but she's a walking disaster: "your legs are so far apart, and that's not very feminine". Oh dear. She scolds Anton for the lift, which was "so unflattering" and says that they both should've stayed in the coffin. For one brief, beautiful moment I imagine Alesha getting her 1 paddle out and it being even more amazing than the time she unleashed her 2, but I suspect I'm destined to be disappointed. Alesha thinks the viewers at home will like it (I fucking loved it, it was hilarious), but she didn't. Bruno thinks she danced like the walking dead. Then, in possibly my favourite Bruno moment of the series so far, he calls her "the zombie of Bond Street", and sashays with his eyes rolling all over the place while moaning "designer gear! Designer gear!" Worth the license fee all by itself, that was. He advises her to listen to the music and concentrate, because she's got a great body, and she needs to use it with the music. Alesha notes that Anton is "looking so surprised" and cackles vigorously. Craig calls it "dance horriblis" and that the moment Nancy stepped out of "that sarcophagus" was the moment it all went horribly wrong, and he's getting bored of that lift, which is also illegal. Nancy interjects that the lift was "not my idea" and Anton's all "et tu, Nancy?" Len thinks that there were "moments of Mills and Boon, and moments of Meals on Wheels". I'll admit it: I laughed. It sounds better in Len's voice than it looks written down, unfortunately.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Nancy if she wanted to nail the coffin shut with Anton in it, and Anton's disgusted that even Tess is turning on him now, while catching sight of his hair and mumbling that he's "never painting the ceiling again". Tess asks about the boa, and Nancy insists that it was no problem, while Anton grumbles that he's lost the will to live. Scores: Craig 2, Len 5, Alesha 3, Bruno 4 for a total of 14. Anton talks over Tess reading out the voting number, because he really doesn't want to stay in the competition any more.

Next are Harry and Aliona, and I hate myself for saying this, but DAMN he looks good with his eyes all My Chemical Romanced-up like that. Aliona can never resist the guyliner overdose on Hallowe'en week, can she? Last Saturday his dance was controversial (i.e. made Len scream like a banshee), but they got a ten, so: bothered. They've got a spooky tango for Hallowe'en, and they're dancing to 'Psycho Killer' by Talking Heads. Aliona wants Harry to bring out his dark side, so she digs out her family's Book Of Shadows (number of people surprised by the fact that black magic runs in Aliona's blood: precisely zero) and casts a spell to take Harry to "the scariest place in the UK". It was nice of Tess to let them film in her wardrobe, wasn't it? Being alongside all those horrific outfits leaves Aliona a trembling wreck, and drives Harry so completely insane that he mutates into a tangoing vampire. At least now we know that Tess's fashion disasters have actually been building up to a greater purpose over the years.

They start sat in thrones, holding baroque masks over their eyes and mirroring each other's movements, before getting up and taking hold while still holding those masks. For a moment I thought that Aliona had reached a new low and was planning for them to complete the whole routine with one hand each preoccupied with holding the masks up, but after the initial slightly fumbly attempt, the marks are quickly discarded. As you'd expect from Aliona, there's about twenty bars of faffing before they take hold again, but when they eventually do, it's very good - full of attitude and haughtiness, and with wonderful, deliberate movements. It ends with Vampire Harry sinking his fangs into Aliona before snapping her neck and returning to his throne as her corpse lies lifelessly on the floor, and if you follow Aliona on Twitter like I do, you know that she probably enjoyed that whole routine rather a lot. Possibly a little too much.

Bruno drools that it was intense, hypnotic and basically give him a boner. Craig thought it was full of intent and aggression and that the storytelling was fantastic; he would've liked to see more of it in hold, but the tango that was in there was done very well. Len begins to say that he agrees with Craig before realising that to ever admit such a thing would stick in his craw, so he stops short. He clarifies to Harry that he is not criticising him OR ALIONA HONEST, but when he watches a tango he wants to see more than eight bars in hold; it was sharp and together and very crisp, but he's from the world of ballroom and he wants to see more of it in hold - especially since when Harry's in hold, he's fantastic. If you can work out how that's not a criticism of Aliona, please send your answers on a postcard. Alesha agrees with Len, but she thinks Harry played it so well, and then launches into this lecture about how art is subjective. In reference to Aliona's Twilight-inspired tango. Amazing. She thinks it was a beautiful piece of dance, and calls them "the king and queen of tango tonight".

Up in the Tess Circle, Harry says that Aliona brought out his dark side this week by being really hardcore in training. Danny and Tom are in the audience tonight, and Tess asks if he thinks they could cut it in the ballroom. "Not a chance," Harry declares. Scores are in: Craig 8, Len 7, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Once again the internet erupts in outrage and demands that Alesha be permanently stripped of her 10 paddle, and also stripped of her womb just in case she later gives birth to anyone who feels they have the right to give full marks to something when evaluating it, heaven forbid. And of course, the fact that Len saw fit to give this one point less than whatever that mess was that Alex and James threw up goes unnoticed, because for some reason he's allowed to be as capricious as he likes with his scores while she isn't. (Personally, I didn't think it deserved a 10 either, but I'll defend Alesha's right to give whatever mark she damn well wants until I'm blue in the face. Especially since this year her critiques have actually been pretty decent and worth listening to, and she's actually demonstrated that she's grading on a full 1-10 scale (well, 2-10 so far, but still), which is more than Len or Bruno have done. And yes, in case you're wondering, I do have an entire series' worth of "give Alesha a bloody break" rants up my sleeve, so go ahead, punk. MAKE MY DAY.)

Phew. Right, where were we? Oh yes, Robbie and Limahl. Ola tells us that Robbie really got into his dance last week - to the extent that he overshot his knee slide at the end and crashed into the camera, which wasn't meant to happen. It also meant we didn't see the member of the production team giving him a red card, which was rather a shame. In training, Ola tells Robbie that he must face his worst nightmare this week: the make-under. I really hope they've got Jenny Frost and POD lined up for this. Sadly not: it involves Ola fitting him with a bald cap, painting his face white and sticking novelty denture in his mouth, as Daphne and Celeste's 'U.G.L.Y.' plays on the soundtrack. Eh, that'll do, I guess.

Their paso is to 'Bad' by Michael Jackson, if Robbie's outfit hadn't already made that abundantly clear (although why Ola has come dressed like that is still entirely a mystery), and involves an awful lot of pelvic thrusts, several of them directed straight at the judges. The actual paso parts of it aren't too bad, and there's a nifty floor sweep move with Ola, but the dance is a good 75% posturing, and most of the goodwill it builds up is removed by the end, which features Robbie leaping onto the judges' desk and thrusting his crotch into Craig's face. Fair play to them, though: Ola definitely delivered on her brief to provide a scary routine.

Craig opines that he could have done without "the lascivious hip thrusts, particularly the end one in my face". He thinks it needed more drive and to be power-led, and that there should have been more arching. But apart from that, it was amazing. Len thinks it was "disconcerting" to see all the thrusting, and he saw the Robbie, but thought that it needed to be more Savage. He thinks Robbie needs to work on getting his Latin up to the standard of his ballroom. Alesha is very much in favour of the thrusting and enjoyed the cape work, and she disagrees with the others, as she thought it had real intent throughout. Bruno thinks it was "Bad gone mental" and obsesses about the thrusts - "you know what you're good at now, don't you?" He then attempts to give a serious critique, but is rendered incapable of speech by laughter. It was only a matter of time.

Also rendered incoherent by laughter? Tess, although let's not pretend this is any great loss. She asks if there's more Savage to give, and Robbie hopes so. Scores: Craig 4, Len 7, Alesha 8 ("keeeeeeep thrusting!", heh), Bruno 7 for a total of 26.

Anita and Robin are next, and Anita says that she was worried she wasn't improving at the rate she needed to, but she got a real boost last week with four eights from the judges. "I've improved!" she squeals tearfully backstage. Anita's VT is as mental as ever, as she tries to release her inner devil (because her song is 'Devil Woman', you see). This involves telling herself to eat chocolate eclairs. Considering Anita is as thin as a rake, this seems not so much "devilish" as "entirely sensible". Still, she gets to prance around in a red costume a lot making stabbing gestures at Robin, although given Anita's general air of...precarious psychological balance, I'm not sure if this is what she was directed to do by the producers, or just something they caught her doing anyway and decided to make use of.

Anita snarls her way through her tango, and it's one of her better efforts, but there's a timidity to the whole thing which rather lets it down. If she put as much effort into her limbs as she's putting into her face, this might have been quite something, but it just falls short for me, I'm afraid. Still, she gets her steps right and seems to be enjoying herself, and any state in which Anita is not on the verge of tears is good with me.

Len liked it because there was lots of tango content (ALIONA!), although she lost her timing on a step called the chase. He thinks her posture is her weakest thing, and she needs to sort that out, but overall he liked it. Alesha thinks Anita is a fantastic actress and she loved the drama, but Anita needs to spend a bit of time perfecting her hold. Bruno never knew she could be so evil, and loves that she portrays every aspect of her character with every step, but he agrees with Alesha that Anita needs to work on her frame. Craig: "Acting: 10, Top Line: 3", which is a song that featured in the original workshop of A Chorus Line, I believe. He loved the routine, though.

Tess asks Anita how the nerves are this week, and gets a burst of babbling in response. I suppose that's as effective an answer as any. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha (having a bit of trouble turning her paddle around with that giant bow in the way) 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31.

Now from the "damn it, I forgot you were even here" corner, Bloody Lulu and Brendan. We're reminded of the nonsensical curse-of-the-samba storyline from last week, as well as Len's criticism of their dance as being repetitive. Brendan is not at all impressed with this. Bloody Lulu informs us that for her Hallowe'en routine she's channeling an old bat from hell, as if that isn't what she does every day of her wretched life. Brendan says that he's given her a serious challenge: being flown in like Widdy was last year. Bloody Lulu squeals that the harness is hurting her hoo-hoo, and that's quite enough of that, so let's just move on.

So we have a paso doble to AC/DC's 'Highway To Hell', in which Brendan has his hair all vertical and between that and the guyliner and the ~~facelift~~ haircut, he looks a bit like Logan Echolls. The camera is on Brendan while Bloody Lulu detaches from the harness, and then they do a bit of arm-swooping that isn't entirely synchronised. Some of the footwork is actually quite decent, but the wafting is half-hearted at best, and even with that eye-mask covering half her face, Bloody Lulu still can't quite hide that look that suggests she's not entirely sure what she's doing. To end, Brendan abandons Bloody Lulu by the band and runs around at the other end of the floor for a full ten seconds in which the camera entirely ignores Bloody Lulu's existence, because she's got to get back into her harness to be borne aloft again. I would actually be in favour of Bloody Lulu flying every week if it means we see less of her.

Bruno thought Bloody Lulu handled the tricks with panache, and he counted all the way through and she didn't lose her way tonight. Craig is quite partial to a bit of flying and loved the concept, particularly the theatrical exit, but he felt there was a battle for supremacy when they were in hold. "That's the paso doble, that's the whole idea, the fight," Bruno interjects, so Craig clarifies that it felt more like Bloody Lulu trying to catch up. Len thinks there were lots of tricks and quite a few treats, but the problem is that Bloody Lulu is a bit soft in the body, so she's too willowy and Brendan can't always use her properly, but it was entertaining and he loved it. Alesha, whose ruffle is now devouring her ears, thought it was an amazing entrance and she loved Bloody Lulu's determination.

Up in the Tess Circle, Brendan gives thanks to wardrobe and all the production crew for making tonight happen. Everyone applauds, though I can't help wondering if Chelsee is applauding wardrobe with slightly less enthusiasm than everyone else is. Bloody Lulu says that she prayed all week just to hear Bruno say that she didn't fuck up. I, on the other hand, was praying all week for Bloody Lulu to fuck off. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 29.

Closing the show again are Jason and Kristina with their quickstep. The VT really plays up his struggle from last week while Jason pretends that he genuinely believes himself to be in any danger of going home. His training is so exhausting that he asks Kristina for a quick five minute nap break, and yep, it's another dream sequence. Widdy appears at the foot of his bed (okay, maybe it's a nightmare sequence) and declares herself "the ghost of Strictly past", with advice for him: it's not necessary to show his chest hair. She then disappears, waiting for Gary Barlow to fall asleep so she can deliver the same words of wisdom to him. Next, Katya appears as the ghost of Strictly present (which is odd, considering she was eliminated two weeks ago, but anything that keeps Katya on my screen will not be overly questioned). She has wiser words than Widdy: "dance every dance as if it were your last. I should know." Heh, she really should. So, who's going to be the ghost of Strictly yet to come: Richard Madeley? Frankie from The Saturdays? Roxy Mitchell? No, it's, er, Joe Calzaghe. Who did the show two years ago. Yeah, I don't understand that either, but I'm guessing he was cheap and available. He insists that Kristina must make the final this year, or he'll have him to answer to. Jason awakes just as Kristina takes a "real-life" phone call from Joe Calzaghe, and Jason pulls this face.

His routine is to 'Bewitched' (sadly not to B*Witched, and no, I don't care that Zoe already made that joke on It Takes Two). Kristina is a witch (I'm not being misogynist, that's actually the part she's playing) who's controlling Jason's every move with her magic wand. I bet she wishes she'd been given that thing three years ago. She makes him dance for her, and then joins him. It's a fun, showy routine that makes you understand immediately why they saved it for last: even Jason's face this week is relaxed (well, as relaxed as it's likely to get). Nicely played.

It's standing ovation central, and after another ill-advised attempt at Craig reviving his Aussie accent, he thought the routine was fab-u-lous, but there were a couple of mistakes. Len snarls "so what if they've made a couple of mistakes? Some of them have done a tango and they haven't even done a tango and they get ten." Oh, Len. Imagine if you hadn't spent the last couple of years arbitrarily changing the rules depending on whether someone was tall/a sportsman/homosexual/partnered with a pro you dislike as well as throwing sevens at people just for making it through an entire routine without falling over in a shameless attempt to endear yourself to the public, then you might almost have a case here. Almost. He wants to reiterate what Brendan said and compliment all the dancing, make-up, props and wardrobe tonight, and he thinks Jason has been fantastic. Alesha thinks Jason was cute and charming throughout, and it was a brilliant routine. Bruno thinks it was "bewitchingly brilliant and slightly barmy", and declares Jason to be back on track.

Up in the Tess Circle, Jason bores on about having made mistakes, but that he chatted to Harry earlier about counting and how that really made a difference to him. THANKS JASON GREAT STORY. Tess says that this was the longest standing ovation they've had so far this series. Has she been up there with a stopwatch for all of them? I mean, I wouldn't put it past her, but still. Kristina does the nose wiggle one last time, Jason tells us that he's taking the kids trick-or-treating on Monday and that next week he'll be doing the rumba, if he's allowed to say that, and then the scores are in: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 37, the highest score of the series so far. Insert The Internet's usual outrage to Alesha giving a 10, insert Steve's usual paragraph of outrage about the outrage. (I could've actually gone through the motions in detail, but I've already done it once this week and I don't want to burn myself out, so let's just all agree to move on and meet back here next week for more of the same, yes?)

Leaderboard: Jason top, Holly second, Harry third, Chelsee fourth, Alex and Anita tied for fifth, then Lulu, then Robbie, then Russell, then Audley, and poor old Nancy at the bottom again. Audley/Nancy bottom two, anyone? I think so, though it's anyone's guess who goes.

The phone lines are open, and we recap Russell's sassy samba, Chelsee's titillating tango, Audley's junky jive, Alex's petrified paso, Holly's awesome American Smooth, Nancy's ridiculous rumba, Harry's terrific tango, Robbie's pugilistic paso, Anita's tremulous tango, Bloody Lulu's part-time paso and finally Jason's quintessential quickstep.

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? But the fun ends for someone tomorrow - but who (out of Audley and Nancy) will it be?

Results Show: 30th October

We open with a witches' brew! Ola, Katya, Kristina and Flavia pose around a cauldron, as the band strike up 'Somebody's Watching Me'. Pasha, Robin, James and Artem arrive dressed all nerd-like, wearing thick glasses and backpacks, and also still made up from their earlier routines, so Robin's all bleeding beneath the eyes and Artem's still deathly pale and it's all a bit wrong except for Pasha, but let's be perfectly honest: Nerd Pasha is so very hot that it's not like anyone's going to be focusing on anything else. The boys happen upon the cauldron, at which point the women reappear and dance around them, offering drinks from enchanted goblets. My favourite bit of the whole thing is the very tiny contented little burp that Artem does after drinking - it's barely even noticeable, but it's very funny. Unfortunately, these are not very inventive witches, and the only plan they have for the boys after bewitching them is to make them all dance a little Latin medley, and not to make out with each other or anything interesting like that. It ends on a good bit, where the witches return to the cauldron and disappear in a puff of smoke, to be replace by the judges, who all look rather confused. We then cut to the judges' table, where the witches are all sitting, grinning mischievously (if anyone's wondering, Aliona's in Craig's seat, Ola's in Len's, Kristina's in Alesha's and Katya's in Bruno's. Head Judge Ola Jordan! Make it happen, Strictly 2012!). Tess appears, voices her concern and clicks her fingers, returning the judges to her rightful place and banishing those tricksy witches.

Tess announces that this is a spooky start to our Hallowe'en results, but the scary season is about to claim its next victim. After a quick bit of banter with the judges, we then throw to Claudia, who's up in the gods as ever. She reminds us that "devilishly handsome boyband" The Wanted will be here later, as well as the ever-welcome Len's Lens, but first: time for a recap!

The opening number was of course epically amazing, and Len reflects that the entire evening was magic. Russell's samba was well-received, but contained a few mistakes. Backstage, he admits that he could've done it better, but hopes to go onwards and upwards. Chelsee had a wardrobe malfunction, and is still tearful backstage, as you might expect. Audley enjoyed his jive despite the rather tepid reviews, and announces that if we look at his feet, we're not going to be happy, as a general rule. I feel that way about everyone's feet, to be fair. Alex's paso was a mess, but got rave reviews. Holly and Artem did a bonkers Black Swan number, which was loved by everyone, even Len, and Holly declares this her favourite Hallowe'en ever. Nancy's rumba was declared "a walking disaster" by Alesha, and backstage Nancy opines that the judges are not fair. In a backstage interview, Len says that Harry is one of the best ballroom dancers he's ever seen, but the angry look on his face and the fact that he's having to lean against a wall for support suggests that this may have been a lone piece of positive feedback in the midst of many comments about THAT BLOODY ALIONA. Robbie was advised by Craig to lead a bit more, and he bitches backstage about being given a four. Anita did a mental tango that was still surprisingly tame, and the judges loved it, as did Anita herself. Bloody Lulu flew across the stage, and Len felt that what she lacked in technique, she made up for in entertainment. Jason and Kristina rounded the evening off with a rather lovely quickstep, and shot straight back to the top of the leaderboard. They were, understandably, quite pleased about this.

Time for the first batch of results. In no particular order, the following couples are definitely back next week: Bloody Lulu and Brendan, Alex and James, Jason and Kristina, Holly and Artem and Chelsee and Pasha. In the bottom two, however, are Audley and Natalie. Not really a huge surprise, even to the two of them.

Tess turns to Len for his feedback on how the jive is Hard For Tall People. Len says that he's disappointed to see Audley in the bottom two, but since the odds were not in his favour this week, he's not entirely surprised. For a nice change, Len makes the valid observation that sometimes you just get the wrong dance in the wrong week, and that's what happened here.

Claudia's with the five ecstatic saved couples, and turns to Alex first. She asks if she was alarmed or delighted that Craig found it erotic, and Alex decides that on the whole she was flattered. She says that she was worried it might all end, so she decided to dust herself off and give a good performance. Claudia gets distracted halfway through all this by the quality of Alex's eyelashes. Bloody Lulu says that she's still flying after the great feedback, and that she's very happy that Brendan did such a great job. Claudia says that Chelsee did brilliantly, and then she was in tears. "I feel a bit daft now," Chelsee mumbles. Pasha puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder as she explains that she was nervous this week, and just got really thrown when her dress started going wrong.

Time for a musical interlude from those champions of Lemon Or Cheese, The Wanted. It's the same song that they did on The X Factor the other week, and therefore every bit as lyrically suspect as it was then, rhyming "frightening" with "lightning" and all that. ['Knock on Wood' also rhymes "frightening" with "lightning", and that's AMAZING. - Carrie] Still, I like the fact that their awareness of the need for an Ugly One in every boyband is so keen that they've recruited three, just in case one of them leaves.

Once that's over, it's back up to Claudia in the gallery with the judges, which means it's time for Len's Lens. There is slo-mo footage of Len attempting to do the nose-wiggling thing from Bewitched. He explains that he wanted to do that before giving out his score, but unfortunately he didn't quite get the hang of it. Claudia points out that this didn't stop him from attempting it for 14 seconds. Len is disappointed that this didn't work even though he has "quite a big bugle". Len wants to talk about Alex and James, and how last week she got a hammering, but this week she came back with confidence and performed on her own. "You've got to risk it if you want the biscuit," he adds, "sagely". Bruno bursts into a bit of Kate Bush for good measure. Next, there's a surprise clip of Alesha pulling an "erp" face while watching one of the dances, God love her. Alesha wants to look at Holly and Artem's American Smooth, which she thinks was "really unique" (aargh) and original and that Holly really stepped up her game this week. Len agrees that the beauty of it was that it was effortless. Claudia asks why it wasn't a ten, and Len cites a lack of content, Alesha blames the lifts going on for too long, and Bruno and Craig point out the lack of correct attitude in the aforementioned lifts. We have, of course, close-ups of Len's and Craig's faces as Robbie leapt onto the desk. Craig looks horrified and hides behind his book, while Len appears to be having the time of his life. Everyone finds this HILARIOUS. Claudia asks about the musical performances, by which she means Russell's bongos and Audley's piano. Bruno calls the latter "Audley Gaga - 'I was born this way', go for it!" Heee. He thinks everyone had wonderful concepts and embraced the spirit of the night, even if they weren't technically the best dancers. It ends, as it always must, with a close-up of Russell Grant shaking his moneymaker. Sigh.

Time to find out who of the remaining dancers is in trouble. GOSH YES I WONDER. Surviving for another week are: Anita and Robin, Russell and Flavia, Harry and Aliona and Robbie and Ola, leaving Nancy and Anton in the bottom two. "Really?" says Nancy, sarcastically. Hee.

Tess reminds Bruno that it's Nancy's third time in the bottom two, but Bruno points out that she's also been saved by the public three times. He does understand her appeal since it's fun to see someone so beautiful looking so clueless on the dancefloor and wants to see her again, chiefly to see if she can get any worse. He likes the fact that she goes for it, even if she constantly fucks it up.

Time for a bit of a professional showcase, and this time it's an American Smooth starring Vincent and Flavia, Anton and Erin and Brendan and Natalie. The women all have arm-hankies made of cobwebs, which just seems to be a recipe for getting tangled if you ask me, and to make things even more complicated, they've got jellyfish dangling from them as well. It's a very pleasant routine, but I think I've been spoiled by the general insanity of the group numbers this weekend, because it doesn't quite measure up on the bonkersometer.

Afterwards, Claudia's with Audley and Nancy, and asks Audley if he has better dances in him if he stays. He says that he definitely thinks he's more of a ballroom man, but he did give it a try. Claudia turns to Nancy - "we keep meeting like this" - and asks if the rumba was the final nail in the coffin. "No," Nancy replies. Claudia asks if she enjoyed it. "To be in the coffin?" Nancy replies. Hee. Nancy adds that she needs to rewatch the performance: she thinks the judges were too mean to them, but she will know for sure when she watches it back. I'm going to miss her so much.

Time for the pre-exit VT. Nancy says that "nothing makes you more happy to realise that the people are laughing with you". With you, at you, it's totally the same thing. She wants to carry on. Audley is loving being part of Strictly because he gets to dance every day, and he's having so much fun that it doesn't feel like working. "Twinkletoes is not done yet," he finishes. Do you think they even bother making these for people like Jason and Harry?

We're back in the main studio with Tess, and someone's about to go home for good. The couple leaving us tonight is...Nancy and Anton. Nancy stoops to pick up a discarded earring from the floor, and in response to Tess's question about what she'll miss most, replies "Let me think about it, don't ask me now." Hee hee hee. She says that it's been a full-on experience, and then the other earring falls out. Honestly, even her exit is a work of improvised comic genius. Anton lobs the offending earrings away as Tess points out that we don't need any more wardrobe malfunctions. Nancy says that she's had a lot of fun and it's been an incredible experience, and she's learned dancing "...partly." Hee. Anton's going to miss Nancy the most, and calls her a superstar. He almost sounds sincere about it, or at least he does until Tess ushers him off quickly. So that's yer lot for this weekend. Claudia and Tess remind us that Jennifer Grey is standing in for Len next week, and 'Ghost Town' plays for Nancy and Anton's last dance, and he picks her up and twirls her around, but does not do That Lift for old time's sake.

That's it for this week - join Carrie next week for Jennifer Grey, who may or may not spend all her time crying. Lord knows she did on Dancing with the Stars. [Warning you now, I have a very limited Jennifer Grey threshold (even more limited when Derek Hough is next to her) and I'll be recapping on Tuesday night, so you'll probably hear my screams of frustration as I type. - Carrie] See you then!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-10-24T22:38:00.011+01:00

- Couples are allowed to dance out of hold for 10 seconds in ballroom. Not that anyone is paying any attention to this whatsoever.
- Craig is never mean on a personal level, and if anyone thinks that, then they're wrong. All of his critiques come from a director/choreographer level. The more you know, and all that.
- One of the researchers wasn't paying attention to Jason's scores a week ago, because they thought Chelsee got Craig's first 9 of the series.
- Robbie wasn't actually supposed to collide with the camera on Saturday, but he got overexcited and overshot his knee slide. He's got a nasty mark on his nose now.
- Katya is not a great gossip hound, to the extent that she thought Jennifer Grey replacing Len for a week was a "full exclusive" on her KatCam backstage footage. She's still amazing, though.
- Some ladies in the audience this weekend took photos of Harry's bum. I will add their names to the list of people that I will FIGHT.
- After just two weeks, Pamela Stephenson is already running out of cod-psychological insight to draw from the training footage. Fingers crossed she'll be gone entirely by week seven.
- Zoe thinks Nancy and Anton deserve their own show. I concur, but I hope it's significantly better than Craig and Widdy on Celebrity Antiques Roadtrip.
- Anton counts in Italian for Nancy when they're training. That's quite sweet.
- The paso doble is the only Latin dance in which heel leads are allowed. Again, this assumes anyone knows or cares what the rules are any more.
- Pasha did karaoke once. Never again.
- Julien Macdonald has cut his hair short. I preferred the lovely curls he was rocking on BintModel.
- Blue is one of the hottest colours for next summer. That's right, this blog is BANG ON TREND.
- Zoe has a problem with her dropped bottom. It's best we don't ask for details.
- Dance demonstrations are rather more effective when Zoe's involved than when Claudia was.
- Practicing with your shoes off is very bad.
- Harry is giving Audley "a right pec" for his birthday. Harry is weird sometimes. PS. HARRY MY BIRTHDAY IS IN MARCH, JSYK.
- Audley and Natalie have missed two-and-a-half days of training because he had to go back to America. This would be a really good time for the "the worst the rehearsal, the better the dance" rule to kick in.
- Aliona has choreographed a vampire-themed routine for Hallowe'en. Say it with me now: try to look surprised.
- Harry and Aliona are at the top of the training leaderboard with 195 hours under their belts. Apparently at least half of this time is spent eating, burping or bickering.
- Apparently Black Swan fits in with the theme of Hallowe'en, because that's what Holly's American Smooth is based on. I don't mind telling you that when I saw that film, by far the scariest thing about it for me was ALL THE CLOSE-UPS OF FEET. *shudder*
- Chelsee is not interested in kissing Pasha. She is literally the only person in the world who feels this way.
- Alex and James have called the appels in their paso doble "Craigs", because James likes to pretend he's stamping on Craig's head, because he's awesome like that and not at all a dick or anything.
- Oddly enough, that Lady Training that Holly was DEFINITELY TAKING SERIOUSLY didn't really stick.
- Zoe and Alesha quite wish they'd had props in their day.
- Audley should probably leave the rapping to the professionals.

Bremner, Boag and Misfortune

2011-10-23T11:10:00.007+01:00

Top 12: 22nd October 2011

Last week, The Voice of Tess informs us, the stars gave their regards to Broadway. Whether Broadway expressed the same sentiment in return is, at this moment in time, still to be determined. Some couples were declared a must-see, while others were critically panned, and ultimately Dan and Katya were eliminated, leaving Dan to run off and cry to anyone who would listen that it was all about gimmicks and props these days and that he'd clearly been focusing too much on the dancing which...would not be the opinion of anyone who'd actually seen him dance, I'd wager. This week, it's back to ballroom basics, which for some reason are illustrated by a close-up shot of a bull, and Jason twatting around Tesco in a cheap-looking cape. "For our dozen, it's getting dirty," Tess opines. But who will be getting a clean sweep with the judges, and who'll just be a muckraker? This is Strictly Come Dancing 2011!

Titles! I love how Nancy looks confused and overwhelmed even in the five seconds' worth of footage she gets in this sequence.

We're live from Television Centre, and we have a Bruce, and a Tess, and...DEAR GOD, WHAT IS TESS WEARING? I mean, I know we do the Daly Dresswatch every week and display some level of disapproval on matters sartorial, but this is a new low. It's a Vimto-coloured full-length figure-hugging dress with black slashes across it and some sort of Nefertiti-esque gold ring around her neck. I swear it is not a word of a lie when I say that my Twitter timeline was pretty much enveloped with screams of "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" when she first appeared. I'm afraid I can't answer that question, but I have a feeling it may be here to claim our firstborn children, and I recommend we do not look directly at it.

Bruce welcomes us, and we see that Widdy is in the audience tonight. Is it just me, or has she lost a bit of weight? Bruce perves about bumping into Holly backstage. This will be nowhere near the least tasteful thing he'll say tonight, just so you're prepared. Tess reminds us that Dan is no longer with us, but we still have 12 couples to look after this week. Bruce babbles a lot of unnecessary filler and Tess looks vaguely uncomfortable throughout. I'm no Tess Daly apologist, but Bruce is becoming such a liability during these off-script segments that I think it would test the skills of even the most confident ad-libber to look calm next to him. Eventually, after Tess has suggested that tonight's couples are "good to go" and Bruce has screamed "WE DON'T WANT THEM TO GO!" in her face like some drunken uncle, it's time to meet the stars of our show: your designated comedy contestant Russell Grant and his partner Flavia Cacace, the former caked in so much make-up it's a wonder his entire head hasn't slipped down into his ribcage with the excess weight; singing abomination Bloody Lulu and her long-suffering partner Brendan Cole; "comedian" and "impressionist" Rory Bremner and his partner Erin Boag, who seems to have checked out of the entire thing and might well spend tonight mentally planning her next haircut; future Daisy Duck impersonator Chelsee Healey and her partner PASHA KOVALEV (*swoon*); stealth show subverter Holly Valance and her partner Artem Chigvintsev; It's Hard For A Tall Person Like Audley Harrison and his partner Dame Natalie Lowe; my future husband Harry Judd and his partner/millstone Aliona Vilani; permanently overexcited Anita Dobson and her partner Robin Windsor; live-action Sindy doll Robbie Savage and his partner Ola Jordan; total loon Nancy Dell'Olio and her partner Anton Du Beke; the increasingly endearing Alex Jones and her increasingly toolish partner James Jordan; and finally, runner-up to Gary Barlow in World's Most Boring Man 2011 Jason Donovan and his partner Kristina Rihanoff. Look at them all, aren't they lovely?

Bruce cracks an impenetrable joke about "eyes and teeth" before he and Tess explain the scoring system to anyone who hasn't witnessed the previous eight series [it's a theatrical motto - eyes, tits and teeth, as mentioned by Sheila Hancock - Carrie], and we're reminded that Future Head Judge Karen Hardy is available on red button commentary as always, and this week she's joined by former contestant and pioneering lady-caper Kelly Brook. Ah, Kelly Brook. She really was quite good. By rights, the series five final should've been Alesha vs Kelly. I mean, that never would have happened even if Kelly hadn't had to drop out, but still, the version in my head is amazing. Bruce yells crazy old man things at Karen and Kelly, and Karen and Kelly smile and nod, which is pretty much all you can do.

Up first are Jason and Kristina, going in the front-half of the show for the very first time. When a frontrunner who's generally been saved until near the end is suddenly shoved on first, it often means a bit of a turnaround in their fortunes - will that be the case this week? Let's find out. In his VT, Jason says that he was overwhelmed by the judges last week because even grumpy old Len had a big smile on his face. We're reminded of Len calling him "the midwife, because you keep delivering". I suppose that's better than being called the midwife because you show up after several hours of pushing and grunting and demand to look at someone's cervix. It hasn't escaped Jason's attention that he's been top of the leaderboard for three weeks in a row, and he's going to dig deeper to maintain that. What this means in reality is that he will prepare for his paso doble - which he admits he's finding a bit of a struggle - by donning a comedy Spaniard outfit and running around the Edgware Road branch of Tesco Metro (I've been in there a few times, so I totally recognise it) and running around like he's on his way to audition for an Old El Paso advert. He harasses various shoppers, all of whom look entirely unimpressed. Meanwhile, Kristina is in what looks very much like the James Street branch of La Tasca (I've been there as well) wondering why her partner is fart-arsing around the supermarket and not meeting her for their scripted VT hilarity as expected. I note that Kristina has a table full of food and a plentiful supply of sangria, so I think that all things considered she's got the better deal here. Jason interviews that his matador might not be one of his best roles. He doesn't specify whether, on the grand scale of things, it's higher or lower than being in Echo Beach.

Their paso is to 'I Want It All' by Queen, and like a lot of Jason's dances, the vast majority of effort is being concentrated in the face. I don't think I've seen a Paso Face quite so tongue-swallowingly constructed since Tom Chambers. From the neck down, there's not a lot to write home about as the shaping is a bit loose, the walking is too much like actual walking, there's a bit of business with Kristina's skirt that doesn't look like it goes quite as planned, and it's all a bit lumpy. On the bright side, Kristina has managed to work in a tribute to her iconic routine with John Sergeant and allowed Jason to pull her across the floor like a sack of spuds for a brief, glorious moment.

Jason tells Bruce it was a "difficult birth" this week, and Bruce welcomes Our Fabulous Singers Dave Arch, And His Wonderful Orchestra. Bruce also says that last week's dancing raised the eyebrows of the judges, or would have done if it weren't for all the botox. It's not exactly the most original or compelling joke in the world, but it's completely made by Alesha innocently asking "whose botox?", indignantly echoed by Bruno, and then everyone turning to look at Craig and giggling. Len tells Jason that the first thing he looks for in the paso is the buttocks, because if the buttocks are firm, the posture will be good. Jason's buttocks were good, but unfortunately his technique was all a bit amiss. Len thinks he looked great when he was standing still, but the twist turns were "plonky" and it wasn't his best dance. Alesha thought it was a confident performance, but that he felt a little unsure (eh?) - that most of the character was projected in his face and she wants the balance between the technique and the passion. Bruno says that Jason tried to make a big meal out of the paso, but got indigestion. He says that the feet were off-timing, and he wasn't on top of the routine. Craig says that Jason needs to keep his shoulders down at all times, and follow through all of the lines that he creates, and he's lifting his knees too much. Jason agrees with all of those comments, apparently. [This made me laugh so hard. The graciousness! - Carrie]

They scamper up to the Tess Circle, where Jason reminds us that it's been a tough week and everyone's tired, and it's been a whirlwind, so the judges' comments were fair, and he says that next week is another week and they'll give it 100% - crucially neglecting to add "if we're still here". Tsk tsk, that's Reality Show Humility 101, Jason, you really need to work on that. Scores are in: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 27. For some reason, Flavia and Russell find this hilarious. Either that or it's some private joke, but it does look rather unsporting either way. Tess reminds them that there was a member of Queen in the audience, and asks if that was unnerving; Jason says that he hopes they did "Brian's song" justice. I've not seen that film, so I can't offer an opinion.

Next on are Alex and James, who've got a rumba for us. Bruce explains that it's a dance in which the man "woos" the woman, and that Alex spoke to him before the show and said she thought she was going to get wooed tonight. Hand on heart, for one brief moment of horror, I thought this was going to end in a "get wood" joke, but instead the punchline is "you'll get very wude", à la Jonathan Ross. Even so, it still took Bruce's obligatory explanation of the gag for me to confirm that my interpretation was wrong.

Alex says that they were both over the moon with last week's performance, especially being third on the leaderboard. She confesses that she doesn't want to be negative, but since there's a chance it may never happen again, she freeze-framed her recording of it on Sunday a few times. Bless. I honestly didn't expect to like Alex Jones, but there's something quite charming about her on this show. Admittedly it may well have something to do with most of her rehearsal footage from the last few weeks looking like James Jordan's homemade video nasty, but still. Alex gets the obigatory "it's so hard to be sexy" VT that people get when they have the rumba, and then there's a random bit where James grabs her by the legs and swings her around the floor until she squeaks like Beaker from The Muppet Show. I'm beginning to think we need to stage some sort of intervention here to save Alex from this awful, awful man. We end on a bit of comedy with Alex trying to be sexy for James, arriving in the style of a reverse-gendered Diet Coke advert and getting wolf-whistles from the boys, until she gets strangled by presumably the same vindictive feather boa that sabotaged Nancy's first dance. Hilarity itself, clearly.

Their rumba is to Leona Lewis's version of Snow Patrol's 'Run', and Alex is wearing an unflattering lace catsuit for it. Bizarrely, it starts in a manner reminiscent of all those Boleros they do on Dancing On Ice, and most of Alex's choreography once she's on her feet appears to be walk-walk-pose, walk-walk-pose. Last week, when the choreography for her Viennese waltz was criticised as being too basic, I didn't actually mind because I'd rather see basic choreography executed well than advanced choreography executed poorly (see: almost everything Robin gave Patsy Kensit last year), but the choreography for this is completely phoned-in, and because Alex doesn't really have a lot of performance skill or technique to bring to it, there's no veil over the "will this do?" nature of the steps this week. There's a brief moment in the middle when it picks up, but for the most part it's just so infuriatingly dull and plodding. It frustrates me so much, because when a rumba is done well it's one of my favourite dances, but everything about this is just wrong. I mean, there's even a bit where James drops Alex to the floor and she starts rolling along, and if that didn't make you think of this, then you're a better person than I am. There's also something that looks uncannily like a lift, though because it's shown in an aerial short it's pretty much impossible to tell if Alex has her feet on the ground or not.

Alesha tells Alex that she's sexy, and that the beginning of the dance was beautiful, and that Alex had nice arms and control throughout, but Alex plays it safe and needs to take more risks if she wants to grow. Bruno tells Alex she looks "sinfully sexy", but her performance was too demure and hesitant. He complains that Alex never really went for James with passion, and demonstrates this on Alesha, as is his wont. Len pulls a face of disgust, which is odd, because he spends so much time complaining about being surrounded by excessive gayness you'd think he'd welcome a bit of heterosexuality for a change. There's a cut to some of the other pros and contestants up in the Tess Circle here, and Aliona looks so bored, it's hilarious. Craig calls it "sexless, cold and stiff", with no hip action whatsoever, and "you spent four counts of eight just on your knees". I dunno, that sounds pretty sexy. James Jordan: People's Champion interjects here that "the public seemed to like it", because that's exactly the kind of lowest common denominator-grabbing douchenozzle he wants to be these days. Len, quite rightly, picks him up on this, and says that the public judge on "efficacity" and that the judges are here to lend the benefit of their many years of watching, competing and well, judging. He thought it was a good performance, but there was too much on the floor, there was a lack of hip action, and while it had romance, he would've liked to see more content in the routine.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Alex if she feels she's overcome her fear of being sexy. "Well, obviously not," Alex replies. Heh. Tess asks, since the rumba is the dance of love, who was Alex imagining as she danced it? "Me!" James hoots indignantly. Alex says that "you can't think of a lot" while dancing (bless her, I suspect that's the case even when she isn't dancing). Then - oh boy, here we go - James decides that he hasn't been quite enough of a dickhead yet this evening, and asks to speak "probably on behalf of all the professional dancers here" that it'd be nice "if the judges stopped commenting on our choreography, because we've been in the business a long long time, and we know what we're doing." I have a lot of thoughts on this, so I think it's best if I express them all in a numbered list.

1. Shut up, James.
2. Shut up, James.
3. This really is not about you. Your role on this show is to teach and support your celebrity. How is any of this little hissy fit helping Alex right now? She is stood next to you right now, TRYING TO GET YOU TO STOP, for crying out loud, because she fears - perhaps correctly - that she might be penalised for your little outburst.
4. Saying that the celebrity should not be judged harshly because of the choreography they were given is one thing, and an idea I would actively support, but saying that the choreography on this show should be immune from criticism? Get real. Should this piece of work not have been criticised? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? Just because you've spent years doing something doesn't mean you don't fuck up occasionally.
5. If you don't want to be criticised for your choreography, then try not to make your apathy quite so obvious. I mean, Erin lost interest in this series about two weeks ago, and she still managed to turn out something more interesting this week than that load of shit you just made Alex do.
6. Being the pro who refuses to let their celebrity be criticised at all is quite annoying. Being the pro who refuses to let anyone be criticised is utterly ridiculous.
7. Finally, SHUT UP, JAMES.

[Can I add another? 8. The choreography is fair game for judging. It always has been. Hence the pro partners winning the glitterball too. If choreography wasn't part of the competition, they'd give everyone the same routine each week. - Carrie]

I think that covers it. Anyway, shall we get the scores? Craig 4, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. James can't let it lie, of course, so he witters on about how a "four is ridiculous" and he's "forgotten more about dancing than Craig will ever know." James, I refer you to points 1, 2 and 7 above.

Next we have Rory and Erin. He was very happy with last week's performance, but he's worried about having to do the cha cha cha this week. On Tuesday, he says that Erin is trying to turn him into a sex god "when we all know I'm a middle-aged Scotsman". Well, Len didn't know that last week, Rory, so there might be some hope. Rory does the old "I'm an impressionist, I'm not comfortable being myself" schtick, and says that whenever Erin tells him to be butch, he ends up being camp. The footage seems to back this up. [Also, Rory says that it is a "cha-cha-challenge", which Alesha said prior to her cha cha cha. Plagiarist. Or impressionist. You decide. - Carrie]

They're dancing to 'Dance To The Music' by Sly And The Family Stone, and taking the unusual step of beginning the routine on the steps to the Tess Circle. It doesn't get off to the best of starts, as the promenade section across the floor sees Rory turning in the wrong direction, and not being there to meet Erin, throwing them both off for a second or two. There's a whole section of them apart, dancing up opposite sides of the floor, which shows confidence on the part of Erin, but the dancing as a whole is rather embarrassing. I feel bad for Rory, because he's clearly giving it a good go, but this is just not his dance at all.

Bruno says that Rory was "like a cocky rooster" and reminds him that he needs to step on the ball of his foot to get the correct hip action, but it was very funny. Craig calls it "gauche" and "gawky", and says that his flat-footedness made him look uncomfortable. Bruce witters on about how this and the quickstep are very different dances, and you are not a judge, Bruce, so kindly button it. Len says that he's like the government - "there's a lot going on and not all of it's good". He liked the New York section and thought that by and large he kept on time, but the gyrating wasn't his cup of tea. Alesha says that Rory's work ethic is brilliant and he's committed to the dance, and she enjoyed it.

Tess tells Rory that he threw himself into it, which Erin agrees with, and Rory cracks that he and Erin are a coalition, like the real government. Tess tells Rory that his hips "told the truth out there", and if she can't even quote Shakira correctly, I think it might be time for Tess to be put out to pasture like the useless bovine that she is. Tess finishes by saying he's getting fitter every week, and Rory asks her what she's doing after the show. Heh. Scores: Craig 4, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 24. Erin begs the viewers to vote because "I think we might need it." Spoiler: they do.

Audley and Natalie are next on, and he showed improvement last week despite tripping over his feet. Audley begs the viewers to keep him on because he wants to keep losing weight. In rehearsals, his feet are still a problem so Natalie recommends a ballet lesson, and Audley reacts with comical macho horror. However, Natalie Lowe is scared of no one and nothing, so she gets her way and Audley goes to a ballet lesson. I commend the show on its restraint for not forcing him into a tutu, by the way. Audley is complimented by the ballet teacher on his "gorgeous plie" (OOH MATRON!) and he admits that he quite enjoyed the ballet, and thinks his dancing will benefit from it. Sometimes Audley seems to be behaving so sensibly in his VTs that I wonder if he understands this show at all.

They're dancing to 'I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself', which is one of my favourite songs ever by the way, and we open with Audley sitting on That Damn Bench while Natalie indulges in a bit of skirtography. It's actually pretty good when it gets going - there's not a lot of noticeable rise and fall, but there's a pleasing fluidity to his movement and the choreography is absolutely lovely. There's one frankly terrifying spin section where Natalie actually looks like her head has detached, but even that works somehow.

Craig says that he's seeing some improvement, particularly in Audley's frame, but it needs swing and sway and the pivot turns were a bit mean, though overall he really liked it. Len thinks some dances are more challenging than others, and the foxtrot is "probably the hardest, technically, to do" (bollocks it is - even Kate Garraway managed a decent foxtrot) and finishes by telling Audley that "I'm sitting here, giving you a standing ovation." Hold on a minute - did Len just actually say that a dance gave him a hard-on? Excuse me, I think I need to go and pour an entire bottle of Domestos directly into my cerebral cortex. Alesha loves that Audley rises to the challenge, and she could see the concentration in his face which was the only thing that spoilt it for her, but she thinks he should be proud. Bruno agrees with the concentration issue, and says that while Audley got lost a few times, he covered it very well.

Natalie grabs her boobs on the way up to the Tess Circle, confessing to Tess on her arrival that she did the whole dance with her dress undone. Have I mentioned that Natalie is my favourite pro? I love her SO MUCH. I'd totally want her as my partner if I went on this show. (I am TALL, so that probably helps my chances.) She pops herself back in, and Tess asks Audley if the ballet helped. Audley says that it did, that the comments from the judges were helpful, and that he had a knee problem this week which threatened his chances, but he got there in the end. Blimey, that's about three weeks' worth of storyline. I guess after that early visit to the bottom two they're cramming it in while they can. He thinks that it was the best they've danced that dance. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 25. I think that was a little underscored, to be honest. Tess asks Audley what's next for him, breakdancing? Thanks for that bit of ethnic profiling, Daly. Audley says that he will be doing nothing of the sort.

Up next are Team Nanton with their paso doble. All of the rehearsal footage for this routine looked abysmal, so this should be interesting. There is a truly spectacular amount of filler from Bruce relating to the presence of Widdy and Edwina both being in the audience tonight. I think this show was running a little under time in rehearsals, given how much he and Tess seem to be padding things out. Nancy's face after all of this is an utter picture, by the way; one of despair as painted by Edvard Munch. There's a lovely bit of sly humour in her VT from the music editors, who decided to soundtrack Nancy's reflections on last week's performance with Tina Turner's 'The Best'. Once that's over, Anton reminds new viewers that the paso doble is the dance of the bullfight where the man is the matador and the woman is the cape. He tells Nancy that he's got a surprise planned for her, a trip that will conjure up the feelings of the paso doble. "I think he's probably taking me to Madrid! Where else could be the best place to get into spirit?" says Nancy, either gamely playing along or as delusional as ever, depending on your personal perspective. Surprise! He's taken her to Stepney Farm. "This is no Madrid!" Nancy howls. Anton shoves Nancy into a pen full of bulls as she insists "I no want to get into the spirit of the dance!" I seriously covet Nancy's purple stripey wellies in this scene, by the way. Nancy points out that nothing in being shoved into a field of bulls (while Anton remains on the other side of the fence) is going to help her dance better on Saturday, and she's...got a point, hasn't she? Incidentally, I would like to point out that there was still less bull in that entire segment than there was in James Jordan's post-dance interview with Tess.

Their paso is to 'Rodrigo's Guitar Concerto', and it's every bit the mess you'd anticipate - even Anton's pretty sloppy. Nancy's dress is hideous and looks like it's been attacked by moths. She stumbles around the floor, at arm's length from Anton and often visibly counting the beats. Despite this, she's frequently out of time with the music. There is, however, one truly spectacular leap in the routine that took my breath away, and makes me wonder if Anton is a lot stronger than he looks or if Nancy just has secret powers of levitation.

Edwina Currie gives the routine a standing ovation; the rest of the audience does not oblige. Bruce asks Nancy if she was the cloak or the bull, and with pitch-perfect comic timing, Nancy plays it to the crowd with an eye-roll: "Well..." She complains to Bruce that Anton keeps putting her upside down all the time. "There must be a reason, dear," Bruce responds. Nancy informs us that being upside down increases the flow of oxygen to the head and this is how Anton is getting her to improve. Sure, why not? Anton says he's going to start with her upside down next week. Heh.

Len wonders if she might be better on her head because she's no good on her feet. He thinks there was more content this week and he enjoyed it. Alesha finds Nancy intriguing, and in this dance she thought she was a rag doll, but she loved it. Bruno calls Nancy "fabulous with your legs in the air" and wishes she'd stayed like that all the way through, because she was trying to count and still went off-time "which is almost impossible to do!" Note the word 'almost'. Craig thought it was more like "a paso set in Oklahoma" with all the skipping and the hoedown. I wait for a "put that ho down" joke that never arrives. He thinks it was "lift city", and while Nancy messed up after the dip, but he thinks there is secretly talent beneath the surface and we need to invest in that. Yes, ANTON. At this point, Bruce gets completely disgusting and asks Anton if he's ever danced with a Nancy before. Nancy Dell'Olio, God love her, breaks this awkward moment by lunging at Bruce and kissing him, thereby shutting him up. She won my vote tonight with that alone, let me tell you.

Up in the Tess Circle, Anton declares that it was "close". Tess asks how Nancy made the part of the bull look so glamorous. "She's the cape! The cape! She's not the bull!" Anton screams, before adding for good measure: "CAPE!!!" Heeheehee. I don't have a lot of time for Anton's crap, but I did find that very funny. Nancy chucks his chin and apologises for messing up. Aww. Scores: Craig 3, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. Anton: "I can't tell you how good it was going to be."

Next to dance for us are Bloody Lulu and Brendan. They get no joke in their intro. Last week they were penalised for the illegal lift, by Craig at least, and Bloody Lulu exclaims that being fourth from the bottom is "progress". This week they have the samba, and Bloody Lulu spends most of her training running around the room and cackling like Witch Hazel. I can only assume that Brendan has developed selective deafness in order to deal with her. She does appear to be picking it up quite well, though. Brendan tells her that this is the one dance he always gets kicked out of Strictly on. Number of times Brendan has actually been kicked off after a samba in eight series: three. The show, however, counts it as four, which means they're including Kelly Brook which, considering she withdrew from the competition after the death of her father, would be in poor taste even if she weren't the one doing red button commentary this week. Anyway, Bloody Lulu vows to break the curse.

They're dancing to 'Sir Duke' by Stevie Wonder, and the opening has them stood in front of the judges' desk miming with some trumpets. When they've finished, they place the trumpets on the desk, and Len and Alesha stow them away. I secretly hope Alesha's planning to insert that trumpet into Len if he even thinks about mentioning the phrase "getting on my wick". As for what Len plans to do with it, I feel it's best we don't ask. Bloody Lulu's hair is absolutely grotesque this week, but her dancing isn't that bad - it's rather flat-footed and sluggish in places, but for a samba it's not so bad. They waste several beats by running up the steps of the Tess Circle and cavorting with the other dancers before striding down again (remember this, it will be important later). Bloody Lulu gets a bit lost at one point and looks around to Brendan for guidance, but recovers a lot better than she has done in the past. She ends a second or two behind the beat, too.

Alesha thinks the samba suits Bloody Lulu because it's full of beans and energy. Bruno thought it was bubbly and effervescent, but then has a small psychotic break: "A couple of mistakes, though, WHY YOU ALWAYS DO IT?" Steady on, Bruno. Bloody Lulu blames a wardrobe malfunction. Craig thinks it needed more content and that they wasted time running up the stairs, but he thinks this dance suited her. Brendan: "In a 1:37 dance, we had one minute and fifteen seconds worth of content; I think that's enough for you, [Bloody] Lulu." Snerk. Len finishes off by saying that he liked the gusto and enthusiasm and the carnival spirit, but it felt repetitious. James Jordan, still feeling a need to burn out whatever goodwill he built up with Pamela Stephenson last year, decides to holler something from the balcony. Len turns and yells for James to "turn up, keep up, and shut up", which I believe is the exact same retort he used on Brendan in last year's Hallowe'en special, right after Brendan had returned from his father's funeral. Still, James does need to do all of those things, and I think the sound engineer who decided to mute James's microphone for his response to all of this deserves a Bafta of some kind. Outstanding Service To Silencing Douchebags, perhaps.

In the Tess Circle, Bloody Lulu slurs that she found her rhythm this week, and Brendan insists that she's messing with his mind. Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Tess invites us to vote for Bloody Lulu and end Brendan's alleged curse.

Who's next? It's Holly and Artem. In her VT, Holly notes that she was "a little low on the ol' ladder" last week. When she was fifth. I mean, I appreciate her point because I'm sure she's not exactly raking it in as far as the public vote is concerned, but it probably doesn't help her case to be saying it out loud. She says it's making her hungrier to impress the judges and get back up the top. Her VT is all about her not being naturally ladylike - as she and Artem dance around some poles (not like THAT) he tells her not to bend over, and she snarks that some viewers might like that. In the latest of this week's education-themed segments, Holly visits etiquette queen Liz Brewer, who makes her walk with a book on her head. Holly finds the whole thing hilarious, because Holly is taking this entire series with a fairly sizable pinch of salt, which is one of the reasons why I love her. Meanwhile, Artem sits in a chair and giggles, so Liz makes him do it as well. Then Holly is instructed to repeat "how now brown cow" in the plummiest of accents, again failing to keep a straight face. She and Artem stride out of the room, him reciting "how now brown cow", and she kicks him on the rear, which Liz declares "a bit inappropriate". Holly informs us that she will be "how now brown cow-ing" during her performance on Saturday, and that she will "nail it - like a lady". Love her.

They're dancing to 'Cry Meow' by Pixie Lott, otherwise known as Sheila Hancock's favourite song, and there are three lamp posts in the middle of the floor across a diagonal axis. Holly starts at one end, Artem at the other, and they meet in the middle, avoiding each other like Gavin Henson avoids rugby. There's a bit too much arsing around with the lamp posts for my personal taste, particularly the visually unappealing bit where they're dancing around the same one and have to duck under each other's arms, but once they take hold it's rather lovely. There's still perhaps a lack of commitment in Holly's performance, particularly in her arm placement at times, but this is easily her best dance so far, and after last week's rather unfortunate tango, an encouraging sign about her ballroom.

Bruno commends the storytelling and the fluidity, but says that Holly could be amazing if she just focused a bit more. Craig found it bumpy, but loved the storytelling, and points out that they missed a hand pass. Len got fed up with the poles in the end (didn't Arlene get in trouble for saying that to Ola back in series five?) and tells her that she needs to step forward on her heels, but she was light and fluffy and lovely. Alesha thought it was elegant and composed and that Holly did a great job.

In the Tess Circle, Holly remarks that she's annoyed with herself for missing that hand pass, adding "not that we're hard on ourselves or anything" and pulling a massive "ERP" face. Heh. Scores: Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Tess calls her "our Aussie corker Holly" and asks if she likes being called that. Holly: "Yeah, that'll do." Seriously: LOVE HER.

Next are Chelsee and PASHA! Chelsee admits that last week her cha cha cha wasn't quite as secure in her head as it could've been, and says that she sometimes gets a bit overexcited when she's dancing to music she likes. This week, Pasha explains that Chelsee's schedule at Waterloo Road is keeping her busy, so if she can't come to him, he's going to go to her. Curiously, the scenes that Chelsee is filming at this point involve her wandering around in a wedding dress, and being carried to a pink stretch limo by Chalky. It seems a bit odd of the BBC to air a massive spoiler for Waterloo Road in the middle of another show like this, but I guess it was all cleared by those in the know at some level. Incidentally, there's a brief scene of them chatting with Britain's Got Talent winner and Waterloo Road cast member George Sampson - I wonder if they were comparing dancing notes? Philip Martin Brown, aka Mr Budgen, says that he doesn't know Chelsee finds the time to rehearse, but they're all rooting for her. Chelsee says that she hopes the extra rehearsals have paid off

Chelsee's in a blue air hostess-style dress not a million miles away from the one Britney Spears wears in the 'Toxic' video, and Pasha is a businessman who can't find his ticket, so...they dance. Well, it still makes more sense than most of Aliona's routines, I guess. And it's more imaginative than the porn version of this scenario probably would've been. They're dancing to 'Sing Sing Sing', and there are lots of lovely touches here, including the superimposed shadows of planes flying overhead on the floor. I'd say this is the first genuinely memorable routine of the series (for the right reasons at least) because it has a real wow quality to it - the storytelling is good, the choreography is ambitious, the performances are strong. There are moments where Chelsee looks a bit off-balance, but that's pretty much all I can find to fault in it. It ends with her pulling a novelty oversized ticket out of his jacket (seriously, Pasha, you couldn't find that? I guess when you're that pretty, you don't have to be smart) and waving it in the air. Afterwards, Chelsee fans herself with the ticket as the audience give her a standing ovation.

Craig declares it "first class". Len thinks Pasha checked in, and Chelsee will not be checking out tomorrow. Alesha thinks they have great chemistry, and her only criticism is that it ended too soon and she wanted to see more. Bruno calls Chelsee a "pocket rocket" and says the whole routine was great.

Up in the Tess Circle, Chelsee squeals with delight, and Tess asks her how on earth she managed to pull that off in so little training time. Chelsee says that she's just enjoying herself, so that's spurring her on. Pasha says he doesn't know how she's managing to do it either, and Chelsee says "it's him, he's really good." D'awww. Scores: nines all round for a total of 36. Chelsee and Pasha are ecstatic, and it is ADORABLE.

Having to follow that are Harry and Aliona with a waltz. We're treated to some treasured memories of Harry's bare chest, and Harry says that while it meant a lot to get praise from Craig, he has to keep working to keep the standard up. Harry explains that this week's waltz has a little romantic moment in it, so he's "got to get my romantic hat on". Very sensible, and I would advise all the impressionable youngsters out there to do likewise. He's having trouble getting the hang of the romantic side of dancing (it says here), and needs some sort of self-help guide, which is a cue for one of those spoof public information films, involving a dour-faced Harry looking sharp in a pinstriped suit learning how to pull a rather blowsy-looking Aliona in a bar. Aliona is a massive ham throughout this - I feel like I should've noticed this sooner, but I suppose she was gone rather quickly in her first series, and it was impossible to notice anyone else's scenery-chewing last year when Pamela Stephenson was around.

Their waltz is danced to 'Come Away With Me' by Norah Jones, and it's really lovely - soft, elegant, and very romantic. As a couple, they still don't have masses of chemistry, but somehow it's not an issue in this dance because - and I don't say this easily - Aliona's choreography here is pretty good. There's a break in the middle where she goes up on the stairs, and he pursues her, whispers in her ear, kisses her, and invites her back onto the floor. This proved pretty divisive, but for what it's worth, I actually thought it worked perfectly fine within the context of the story they're telling, and certainly in terms of both Aliona's usual propensity for batshit gimmicks and the strange insistence on staircase-faffing tonight, it was remarkably restrained. So honestly, no complaints here.

Len's got his having-a-conniption face on, so let's get it over with: he claims to be distraught because the first half was fantastic, the hold, posture and footwork were beautiful, and it had rise and fall, but then there was the stair bit. "I DIDN'T GET IT! I DIDN'T GET THAT BIT!" Len screams. Not liking it is one thing, but...not getting it? It wasn't exactly Ulysses, Len. It seemed perfectly self-explanatory to me. The audience boos, and Len continues screaming that he loved it and thought it was a ten, and then that happened. Aliona attempts to explain herself, and Harry shushes her, which may not be gentlemanly, but is perhaps very wise after the sort of precedent James laid down earlier tonight. Alesha insists on taking her turn next and points out that the celebrity dances the choreography that they are given, and that she's not going to penalise Harry for the whispering bit. Which is basically the rational human being's version of what James was wittering on about earlier. She tells Harry that he makes ballroom look cool, and that it was exquisite. Bruno thinks Harry is a smooth operator ("you can whisper in my ear any time", to which I say HANDS OFF BRUNO I SAW HIM FIRST) and says that his musical phrasing was superb and he was riding on every bar. He thinks the bit on the stairs is "a question of interpretation", but he needs to work his lines when he's shadowing Aliona. Craig loved the whispering and the whole storytelling, and he thinks Len is wrong. Len, of course, takes considerable umbrage at this and calls Craig a "puerile little git". "Puerile"? Really? I don't think that word means what Len thinks it means. Len then continues screaming about how it was supposed to be a waltz and how it should've been a ten, and Craig is all "show me exactly where I disagree with any of that, dear" and Alesha has to bang on the desk and remind Len that Harry didn't choreograph it. Bloody hell. Bruno decides to add some levity by suggesting he and Harry practice the shadowing together, and Harry winks at him and makes "call me" gestures. I'm warning you, Bruno: call my man again and I'mma ***k you up.

Harry and Aliona head for the Tess Circle while Len continues to fume, and Tess tells us that Russell loved it. Harry says that he enjoyed himself, though it was the hardest week, and it wasn't until Thursday that he really got the hang of it. Tess asks if he'll be doing that on the next McFly tour, and Harry replies that Tom's in charge so he'll have to ask him. Tom hollers "NO!" from the audience. Hee. Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 10, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Seriously, Len docked two points for the staircase? Also, in a depressingly predictable fashion, the internet exploded with outrage over Alesha daring to give anything a ten without being sanctioned by the other judges first, because God forbid she know her own mind or anything. I have no problem with that routine getting a 10, and I understand that Future Head Judge Karen Hardy said it deserved one on the red button commentary as well (I didn't witness this myself, but I shall be checking as soon as it goes up online), so if it's a choice between siding with Alesha and Future Head Judge Karen Hardy or siding with Len...well, I don't think you need me to tell you that. [Oh God. I'm on Len's side. If pro and celeb got different marks, then I'd be Team Kalesha, but it's supposed to be a partnership. Including lame-ass choreography. - Carrie] Anyway, Harry's rather shocked to get the first 10 of the series.

Anita and Robin are next. She really enjoyed her jive last week, particularly getting a standing ovation. This week, they've got the American Smooth, and Robin is looking forward to getting all glamorous in the old Hollywood style. He mentions Fred and Ginger in rehearsals, so we must all drink. Anita recalls watching the movies as a young girl and wondering how it would feel to be a movei star, and we segue into a vaguely creepy dream sequence sex fantasy between her and Robin which is best left well alone, I feel.

They're dancing to 'I've Got You Under My Skin' and it starts out a little stuttery and incorporates a bizarre-looking bit where Anita stands on one leg while Robin rotates her 360º like a weather vane, but it soon picks up with some impressive lifts and a lovely sequence of kicks.

Alesha says that the dance fits Anita very well, and she just needs to straighten her legs because on occasion they were really bent, and she did a great job with the daring lifts. Bruno says that she's never been lovelier and it had the '40s glamour, but he thought the arabesque was a bit dodgy. I think that's the technical term for the weather vane bit that I didn't like. Craig spotted a couple of little mishaps but nothing major, and they lost body contact quite a lot throughout, but he thought it was sophisticated and classy, and Anita is a consummate pro. Len liked the little things, like the two heel turns that she did, and the overall ease and elegance of the routine.

Anita runs rigidly up to the Tess Circle as Tess explains that Anita's been nervous all week. Tess asks Anita if she felt like a movie star, and Anita concedes that she did "at moments". Tess then decides to poke that bag of insecurity with a big sharp stick and asks Anita if she can ever imagine a time when she won't be dancing with Bobby, and Anita's face immediately crumbles, like WELL DONE TESS. *slow clap* Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Anita is verklempt.

Our penultimate couple of the evening is Robbie and Ola. Robbie was thrilled to have improved with each week, and hopes that things will continue along this line. Ola has a plan to sort out Robbie's nerves, by dancing at halftime during a Reading football match. It backfires slightly, as Robbie isn't so nervous while Ola is terrified. Luckily, they get through it and don't get booed - indeed, they get cheers. Robbie says that it's still not as terrifying as dancing on a Saturday night, though.

They're dancing the jive to Otis Redding's 'Love Man', and it's...not the continued improvement Robbie was hoping for, let's put it that way. The kicks and flicks aren't too bad, but the rest of it's all rather lumpy, and his free arm just hangs around limply. There's also far too much time spent with him on his knees (fnar). He ends it with a knee slide into the camera and kissing it. I didn't need to see that.

Bruno says he's never seen anyone work the golden locks like that since Jerry Hall. Heh. He declares it "insane" (if anyone would know, Bruno would) and while technically "not perfect", he had a good time. Craig found it sloppy and ploddy, and the timing wasn't always there, but he adored the characterisation and the way Robbie went for it. Len reaches for the "you loved it, the crowd loved it, everybody loved it" well, and Alesha loved how his energy was on a different level tonight.

Tess asks Robbie if he's been surprised by the support he's had from football fans, and Robbie has. Well, that's that sorted. Scores: Craig 5, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Bloody Lulu smacks Robbie on the bum. No idea why.

Finally we have Russell and Flavia, who have been on last in every show in which they've performed bar one. Jesus Christ, show, push this shit a bit harder, why don't you? We're reminded that Russell was dragged kicking and screaming into the ballroom section of the competition last week but still managed to be gayer than Christmas, and Craig remarking that Russell could do with toning the camp down a bit. Russell makes the point that there are plenty of celebrities being Rambo ("like Harry in leather" he says, in the tone of voice that I might use when considering Harry in leather, and seriously Russell, I WILL FIGHT YOU TOO) and that you can't really be macho when dancing to a Barbra Streisand song. And yup, he's pretty much on the money there. Their tango is to 'Sweet Dreams' and Flavia has gone for a literal interpretation, making a routine that is about dreams. I'm worried already. This leads into a VT in which Russell dreams about dancing with Flavia on some cliffs, with rainbows and sunshine and puppies and...

...excuse me.

*vomits into a bucket continuously for half an hour*

Right, sorry about that. *wipes mouth surreptitiously* Where were we? Oh yes, Russell and Flavia's tango. It begins with Russell in bed, being woken by dream sorceress Flavia, who forces him to tango with her. I don't actually mind ballroom Russell quite so much, because there's less of an opportunity for Flavia to just choreograph any old Mardi Gras shit for him - here there's an actual tango with structure, and while not the most exemplary display of talent or technique I've ever seen, it is at least a good effort and recognisable as a tango, and that's pretty much all I'm looking for. I could do without the end pose, mind, which is Russell doing a Macauley Culkin in Home Alone face while clutching his teddy bear.

Craig thinks that it's good for him to give machismo a bit of a go, but the shoulder shrugs didn't really belong, and occasionally his head didn't look like it belonged to him either. Len says his head is like a nodding dog, and it was all too whimsical and airy-fairy, but there is an endearing charm about Russell. Alesha thinks it wasn't the best tango she's ever seen, but she appreciated Russell's interpretation - and at this point she can't keep up the pretense any more and just starts cackling, which is fair enough. She thinks he's too nice for the menacing tango, and she wants to see him have a go at a jive. Bruno thinks it was "from Sleeping Beauty to night terror". Flavia and Russell congratulate him on his correct interpretation of their routine.

Russell, Flavia and Teddy head up to the Tess Circle, and Russell is thrilled that Bruno got the whole storyline. Tess asks what reaction he gets from people, and Russell says that everyone's so kind, and they're always dancing for him. "It's worth doing this just to be in touch with the people again," he says. PLEASE NOTE THAT RUSSELL LIKES PEOPLE, WE WEREN'T SURE IF YOU GOT THAT. [He also likes MEN. In a SEXUAL way. Because he is A GAY. - Carrie] Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 24. Russell apparently has the samba scheduled for next week if he's still here. Cripes. Everyone starts cracking up for reasons that shall remain a mystery to me.

Leaderboard, anyone? Chelsee's at the top this week, with Harry close behind, then Anita, then Holly, with Jason and Robbie tied, then Alex, Audley and Bloody Lulu all tied behind them, then another tie between Rory and Russell, and poor Nancy at the bottom again.

Recap: Jason's paso don't-ble; Alex's rumba that WAS AMAZING AND DEFINITELY HAD NO CHOREOGRAPHY PROBL--get off my keyboard, James Jordan; Rory's reluctant cha cha cha, Audley's foxtrot where Natalie's head fell off, Nancy definitely being the cape and NOT THE BULL, DAMMIT; Bloody Lulu wearing Dougal from The Magic Roundabout on her head; Holly being a pole dancer (ho ho ho); Chelsee taking to the skies; Harry and Aliona on the stairs and incurring Len's wrath from now until the end of time; Anita giving it Hollywood old-school; Robbie dancing on hot coals, and Russell's tango that could've been a sweet dream but was in fact a beautiful nightmare.

And that's it! Someone's going home on Sunday, but who will it be?

Results Show: 23rd October 2011

We open with a close-up of Pasha. Note to directors: please begin every show like this. It turns out there are actually other people present, and in fact this is a routine from James, Ola, Kristina, Robin, Katya, Pasha, Aliona and Artem - I think it's a salsa, but frankly it could be anything. It's very lively, whatever it is. They're dancing to 'I Know You Want Me', by Pitbull, and there are podiums involved. I like to think this is what they all get up to after the show each week, when the cheap watered-down BBC beer starts flowing. At one point it looks like Aliona almost falls over and is only saved by Artem puling her up, but maybe that was intentional - who knows?

Tess is here, and wearing a different dress from "last night" - sadly this one is equally hideous; it's see-through with polka dots and sheer black panels to cover up her more unmentionable parts. At least there's nothing around her neck. She re-introduces the judges, and tells them all they're looking fine. Unsurprisingly, they do not return the compliment.

Over to Claudia, who's looking better than she did last week, thank God. She says that we have a performance from Vincent and Flavia coming up, and someone called Caro Emerald singing for us. I thought having Professor Green on The X Factor was bad enough, but at least I've heard of him.

Recap of last night's action: people got ready, then they went out and danced. Robbie kissed Harry on the cheek. Do I have to add Robbie to the list of people who are after my man as well? This is just getting silly now. Jason's routine got rather muted reviews, and backstage he says that he doesn't think he did a bad job, he hopes he hasn't peaked completely. Backstage, Alex thinks that being called sexless is the worst insult you can call someone (really?) and gets rather teary. James is mercifully silent. Rory was called gauche and gawky, and he says backstage that his overall mission is to please Craig. He then mimics Len's "the gyration isn't my cup of tea" and adds "well, that's Latin, isn't it?" HA! Good point, Mr Bremner. Len got a stiffy for Audley, and Audley was very appreciative of it, in a non-sexual way. Bruno said Nancy was out of time, and backstage admits that she "probably" was, yes. Bloody Lulu got told off for her repetitive samba, and Brendan thinks that YOUR MOTHER IS REPETITIVE, SO! Holly got good feedback for her Viennese waltz, and seemed oddly emotional backstage. Chelsee was "over the moon" with the scores for her quickstep. Len thcweamed and thcweamed until he was thick over Aliona's choreography, and Harry remained diplomatic about it backstage, though he did allow himself to get excited about scoring the first 10 of the series. Anita screamed about her scores backstage, and had a bit of a verbal failure. Robbie shook it all about, and Ola laughed that Bruno loved the hair more than the dancing. Russell's happy to have been called a Strictly legend, so that's nice.

Time to find out the first lot of people who can breathe a sigh of relief this week. Safe, and through to next week, are: Chelsee and Pasha, Audley and Natalie, Anita and Robin, Harry and Aliona, and Bloody Lulu and Brendan. In the bottom two, however, are Rory and Erin. Holly has spent the entirety of this section looking terrified, by the way, and having to wait another 15 minutes to learn her fate might actually kill her.

Len is OUTRAGED that Rory is in jeopardy because it was definitely not his worst dance. Because that's how the scoring works, we judge their progress from week to week, grading on a curve, and if they fail to improve they go home. Jesus Christ, Len, are you NEW? [Len definitely needs his week off. - Carrie]

Claudia's with the five safe couples, and Chelsee is excited to have been top of the leaderboard this week and is absolutely loving it all. Claudia tells Anita that she looked emotional this week, and Anita said she wanted to get better each week, so she was nervous that she would blow it and not come up to par. She says that she had a sneaky suspicion she'd love it, but not this much. Claudia asks Harry if getting the first 10 of the series was better than having eight number ones. Harry grunts, which clearly means "come off it", though he hastily corrects himself. Nice safe, McFly. Nice save indeed.

Then somebody called Caro Emerald sings a song called 'That Man'. I have no idea who she is, but it's all fairly standard retro bollocks, like we need another Imelda May. It's all very dull until halfway through, when the previously silent crowd suddenly scream because Pasha and Katya have come to do the most frenetic jive I've ever seen in ages. I love them both, and I have never been so glad to see either of them in my life, because this shit was seriously soporific before they turned up.

After that, Claudia's with the judges for Len's Len, which has picked up Len having a little play around on the trumpet during Bloody Lulu's samba. He is cross that it didn't work: "you'd think it would be easy to blow up one end and spout out the other." Well, if anyone would know, he would. Len's selected Anita and Robin to watch in slow-mo, possibly because he thinks he can see her knickers. We get a slow-mo of Anita's fabled heel-turn as well, and Len points out that if he's being pedantic, he'd like to see her feet together, but it was lovely. Alesha has selected Robbie gyrating, which she declares "like an animal". She thinks he deserves a hair advert when the show's over. She also wants to see Rory gyrating again, and she's disappointed that he's in the bottom two, because he did so well with his hip action.

Craig has selected Nancy and Anton with the sound amplified, which is a series of terrifying grunts from both dancers. The colour drains from Craig's face throughout, and he says he's so pleased they don't get to hear that every night. We see the lift in slo-mo, which Craig calls "the lobster claw". He says that he loves her because she's great fun, but he'd like the dancing to live up to the personality. Bruno has selected Russell Grant And His Giant Slab Of Ham, which he calls "slightly demented, but very very funny".

Trail for next week's Hallowe'en special: essentially a recurring gag in which something looks terrifying at first but turns out not to be when you look closely. You know, a bit like Bruno in reverse. I'm not going to recap the entire thing, but the people who come out of it the best are: Holly for above-average girl-in-horror-movie face acting, Harry for looking hot in a hoodie, Nancy for being Nancy, Robbie for doing a surprisingly good Blair Witch homage, Anita for also giving good horror-movie-face, and Audley for the best/worst fake-drinking ever committed to film.

We're back with Tess, who has the results for the remaining six couples. In no particular order, safe and returning next week are: Russell and Flavia, Holly and Artem, Robbie and Ola, Jason and Kristina and Alex and James, leaving Nancy and Anton in the bottom two with Rory and Erin.

Tess turns to Craig and asks if he's worried we won't get the chance to see the talent beneath Nancy's surface that he suggested might be lurking somewhere, deeply submerged. Craig says that he is, and he would miss her campness if she went, and he's sado-masochistically enjoying her struggle from the dance gutter. Tess throws to Claudia, who introduces Vincent and Flavia doing an Argentine Tango. Couldn't Tess have just introduced them herself? Anyway, Vincent and Flavia do an Argentine Tango, and it is excellent and mad. There's a limit to how much I can say about the pro routines after this many years.

Claudia's with the bottom two couples and asked what went wrong, and a very gracious Rory says that he just didn't dance well enough. He adds that Erin doesn't deserve to be in the bottom two right now because she's "such an inspiration" and a "real ambassador for dance". Erin tells him that he's very sweet. Rory says it's been a real privilege to work with all the dancers and he'd miss it all like a limb. Who knew he was such a sweetheart? Nancy is asked if she's surprised to be here again, and she says she's disappointed because she knew she could do better, and she felt they did the dance fantastically in rehearsal, but the live show is unpredictable. After the mess-up on It Takes Two earlier this week, she clarifies that it's lovely to see Claudia, but she's unhappy to be here. Claudia asks Anton how scary he can be for Hallowe'en next week, but Anton thinks he and Nancy have been frightening enough already. He's hoping to be "un-scary, just for a change."

Montage of potential loserdom: Nancy has found it a great experience of life, far more than just dancing, and she wants to promise us that it's worth keeping her in the competition. Rory has found it an amazing experience, and he'd love to stay in because you never know what's coming next. He's loved everything about it, and it's been a wonderful experience.

The bottom two couples take their places on the floor, and Tess has the results. The couple leaving tonight is...Rory and Erin. Aw.

Asked what his highlight of the series was, Rory says that shimmying next to John Prescott was a close second, but above all was his quickstep, and he thanks Erin for teaching it to him. Erin tells him he's been completely wonderful, and she wants him to hold his head high because he's done great. She tells him she'll miss him, and gives him a hug. That's it for this week, then - we'll be back again next week for Hallowe'en week, and we do hope you'll join us then.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

2011-10-17T22:27:00.008+01:00

- Dan still really doesn't get it.
- Katya basically thinks Dan got kicked off for not being famous enough, and also doesn't seem to really rate Anton. Katya <3
- Craig thinks it would be "complete carnage" if people just ignored the rules regarding when lifts can and cannot be done. YES IMAGINE WHAT THAT MIGHT BE LIKE.
- Holly would like to kill Artem in her choreography every week.
- Pamela Stephenson is still full of shit, God love her.
- Nancy is hoping to never see Claudia again. You know, in the bottom two. She's probably still on for any social engagements.
- Repetition in choreography is fine, as long as you don't repeat the same steps four times.
- Even Karen Hardy thinks the foxtrot is boring. I FEEL SO VINDICATED RIGHT NOW.
- Alex has trouble discerning the difference between "step" and "goosestep".
- The fashion strand is still indescribably boring. NO1 CURR.
- Brendan thinks the judges should've knocked more marks off for that illegal rumba.
- No one's rehearsal footage is looking terribly encouraging.
- Russell will be taking a passive role in parts of Saturday's dance and acting the lady while Flavia leads. JESUS FUCKING WEPT.
- The choreography for Harry's jive just looks worse every time I see it. Seriously, Aliona's not so much phoning it as posting it on the Digital Spy forums. From Cuba. Via dial-up.
- Harry prepared for Strictly by doing lots of swimming and running. WHERE WERE THE CAMERAS WHEN HE WAS ALL WET AND/OR SWEATY, EH?
- Jennifer Grey (boo hoo, boo hoo, etc) will be sitting in for Len on the 5th and 6th November. This officially ruins all of my plans for Head Judge Katya Virshilas.
- Harry's still waving his drumsticks around in rehearsals. (He can wave my drumstick around in rehearsals any day, etc etc.)
- When Ola and Robbie danced at halftime in a football game this week, she went wrong.
- Shaving his hair is not an option for Robbie because he has a big nose.
- James has requested a catsuit for Alex this week, and Pasha has requested an air hostess-style outfit for Chelsee. Intriguing.
- Russell gets overexcited when he visits the costume department. Try to look surprised.
- Kristina's last words to Jason before his tango were "elbows, chin and timing - don't rush".
- Brendan thinks the samba suits Bloody Lulu's personality. This is because it stands for Scottish And Mightily Bloody Annoying.
- Robin and Anita have got big exciting lifts planned for Saturday. Whether this is just how they're getting to the studio remains unconfirmed.
- Chelsee's bump on the head came when she and Harry sneaked off the set when they weren't supposed to and she wasn't looking where she was going. They had to change her hairdo to hide the wound.
- Chelsee got into trouble at school sometimes for talking too much and not paying attention. Again, try to look surprised.
- While Anton and Nancy were getting their scores from the judges on Saturday, Robbie was stood behind them practising his hold and his steps. Bless.
- Tamzin Outhwaite refers to Tom Ellis as "the John Cleese of the dancefloor" - so, Tom Ellis for Strictly 2012, are we all agreed?
- Rory and Erin have got "Team RoBo" t-shirts made up with "Elegance and Panache" on the back. Presumably those are their crimefighting secret identities.