- Len flies first-class to America to do Dancing With The Stars.
- The spin in James and Pamela's rumba that Len hated was largely Pamela's idea.
- Pamela's grandchildren call her "Goddy", which is short for "Goddess".
- Tina and Jared's rumba looks like it might have been quite good. :(
- Michelle only has a very vague grasp of how the scoring system works.
- Ian is a stricter teacher than Brendan. Allegedly.
- A square rumba requires you to step on the first beat instead of not stepping on the first beat, which is easier for novices to pick up. Apparently.
- Aliona likes custard.
- Natalie was inspired to use 'I Wanna Be Like You' for their quickstep when she heard Scott randomly singing it during rehearsals.
- Gavin is a big Peter Andre fan.
- Matt likes comparing Aliona to animals. Whether he includes female dogs on the list, we wouldn't care to speculate.
- The average speed of a charleston is 200-300bpm.
- Patsy will be playing Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby in her charleston.
- Kara has a special charleston headband.
- Jimi went to Buckingham Palace with Goldie this week.
- Pamela is a scuba diver.
- Gavin's been checking out the other boys. WHAT? HE SAID THAT.
Monday, 18 October 2010
Sunday, 17 October 2010
You can't teach an old magician new tricks
Top 13 (sort of): 16th October 2010
Previously: the couples actually faced a public vote for the first time, having had a lot more screentime than most people do before they have to face that particular obstacle. Goldie and Kristina were eliminated, and Tess's voiceover tries to pass this off as a "shock result", which: no, Tess. Goldie and Peter were the two contestants above the obvious comedy contestants on the leaderboard, and the obvious comedy contestants rarely go in the first week. Goldie's elimination was about as much of a surprise as your constant inability to turn up wearing an outfit that doesn't look like it was previously used to store root vegetables. Now, the remaining couples are back (minus one, but we'll get to that later) and apparently everyone's finding this week's routines very difficult. So the rehearsal VTs should be fun, then.
Titles! We are LIVE from Television Centre, and we have Bruce, and we have Tess. Daly Dresswatch: a Grecian-looking red outfit with a gold belt. I almost expect her to say "titter ye not", but I think the chances of anyone tittering while Bruce is still reading out those awful jokes are fairly slim. It is nice to see us, to see us nice, and Bruce does an opening gag about buying a computer that doesn't really make an awful lot of sense, but it's fun to see him trying to say things like "USB port". Tess again tries to push the Goldie-as-shock-elimination agenda (still not buying it, Daly) and Bruce stammers about how hard everyone else will need to try tonight. Shall we meet our couples? Oh yes, do let's. Scott and Natalie, Peter and Erin, Jimi and Flavia, Paul and Ola, Patsy and Robin and Patsy's Prominent Rack, which I think deserves its own billing this week, Matt and Aliona (dear wardrobe department, pastel pinks do not go well with Aliona's flame-red hair), Kara and Artem, Pamela and James, Felicity and Vincent, Michelle and Brendan, Ann and Anton, and finally Gavin and Katya.
Noticed anyone missing? That's right, no Tina and Jared. Tess explains that Tina is ill and won't be competing tonight, and then says "we'll have more on that later" like she's Kirsty Wark on Newsnight or something. First up for this evening are Kara and Artem. The audience clap, and Artem is hilariously all "who, me? You like me, Oh, you GUYS!" I think Artem has been secretly snacking on a GIANT HAM this week. There's a gag about their James Bond routine from last week and how Len has always wanted to be double-o sev-unnnnn, and then we roll VT. [I did think that gag was quite good. Kill me now. - Carrie Kara feels like her nerves are subsiding, and finally manages to get through an entire interview without mentioning her trip in the first week. Hooray! She's especially proud of the nine that Alesha gave her last week. Training actually seems to be going well for them, and Kara enthuses about what a great teacher Artem is. Although he can't teach her to stop giggling, by the looks of things. Artem claims to find her laughter irresistible. For the first hour or so, perhaps, and then I bet he suddenly busts into Georgina Bouzova-era James Jordan. Kara points out that they can go from laughter to tantrum in quite a short space of time. She's hoping this week will not be her final chance to dance with Artem. I find it highly unlikely, Kara dear.
They're dancing a quickstep to Jet's 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl' and they begin on the balcony with a bit of business before trotting down the stairs for a Charleston-influenced section that ends with Kara performing an impressive cartwheel. Then they take hold and start leaping around the dancefloor at a serious lick, and there are very, very slight hints of timing struggles but on the whole this is very good indeed. It's both an accomplished quickstep and a very entertaining piece of choreography, so well done Artem. Fewer congratulations go to the fabulous singers, who are seriously struggling with the high notes, as we all knew they would the second we recognised the song.
Bruce thinks this is a good time to welcome the singers, Dave Arch, and his orchestra. The singers are probably thinking "a better time to welcome us would've been after a song we had a hope in hell of pulling off." There's the usual opening joke about the judges, but this week Bruno is the butt of the joke rather than Craig, which seems to take him rather by surprise. Len explains that the quickstep is a dance of two halves because the upper half of the body must stay very calm while the lower half is all frantic. He thought the beginning was a bit long, but it was fleet of foot and a great start. The camera cuts to Joe Thomas of The Inbetweeners fame, who I assume is there to support Kara, since her sister is his co-star, unless I'm missing a more obvious connection? Alesha says it's never easy to come out first, but Kara hasn't disappointed. She wasn't sure about the rock vibe at first, but thinks it worked, and Kara was very light on her feet. Bruno thought it was pacy and lively, but he thinks Kara's arm placements weren't up to her usual standards, and the arch in her back should be more extended. He claims that he has to keep her in check, because she's so good. I wouldn't worry, Bruno - keeping women in check is what the internet is there for. Craig opens: "picky, picky, picky, darling" - he was very impressed with the cartwheel in heels ("I've done that myself, darling, I know how tough that is.") and he thought the arm placement was good, despite what Bruno says.
Kara and Artem trot up to the Tess Circle, as we all wonder what kind of racy slip-up Kara's going to make this week. Tess asks how confident they were in kicking off the night, and Kara says it was hard, but fun. FNAR! Tess thinks that following a cardio workout like that, there's an exercise video in Kara's future. Scores are in: eights from all but Bruno, who awards it a seven, for a total of 31.
Felicity and Vincent are next with our first rumba of the evening. Felicity interviews that she's pleased to have another week to prove to the judges that she can be really, really good. The pinchedness in her face as she says this makes me wonder if she could still be a good candidate for this year's SURPRISE CRAZYPANTS contestant. (Sure, Michelle's crazy, but I don't think that was a surprise to anyone, was it?) Vincent is pleased that they have "the dance of the love" and explains to Felicity that it's the "vertical representation of the horizontal desire". He thinks she's very lucky to be dancing the rumba with him. Their routine involves a lot of bending. Felicity is worried about her son seeing this.
They're dancing to 'True Colours' and the routine begins with Felicity doing a crab-like backbend that's impressive if not terribly pretty to look at. Also? It's not dancing. That's kind of the ongoing problem with this routine - what rumba there is in it is quite nice, but a good 60% of the routine seems to be more of a Yogalates demonstration than an actual dance. I'm still not entirely convinced by Felicity as a dancer, either - there's something a bit stilted about her movement, even if her flexibility is impressive.
Len saw hip action, chemistry, and flexibility, and thinks it was definitely her best dance. Alesha says there was something very tender about the performance, and admires Felicity's bendiness. Bruno, who's behaving in a very sinister fashion tonight, smarms a bit more about Felicity's elasticity, but he's "going to be picky again" and tells her to watch her transitions, which can tend towards the laboured. Felicity says something which her mic doesn't quite pick up, but sounds something like "I got it wrong", and then Vincent and Bruno both shush her, and Felicity clamps a hand over her mouth. Felicity then quite clearly mouths "shit!" and then, realising where she is, clamps her hand over her mouth again. Heh. Craig loved the splits, but was less pleased with her arms, her rondes, and her stiff neck - but overall he found it impressive.
Felicity and Vincent head up to the Tess Circle, where Tess says that she has to issue a quick apology "in case she said something under her breath she didn't mean." Oh she meant it, you patronising boot. Tess is impressed with "flexible Felicity - would you like to be known as that from now on?" Felicity would. Tess asks Felicity how lucky she is to have Vincent teaching her the dance of love. I thought it was the dance of sex? If you don't come up with a clear distinction there, you're just asking for trouble. Felicity would like to do it again and get it right this time. Scores are in: Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 29. Felicity's very happy with that result.
Patsy and Robin are on third, and we are reminded how Patsy shook off her inhibitions last week. Patsy admits to being "genuinely shocked" that they got through, and feels more like herself again. Their rehearsals for the quickstep are troublesome. "They named it right," Patsy notes. "It's quick!" Robin boasts that he's made the routine very fast. Patsy says she knows she needs to work even harder to get this right, but Robin has been very patient. She says that she's having fun, but needs to make the most of it, because this week could be her last dance. I think we're going to get an ersatz elimination speech from her every week until she actually goes. (PS. Dear The X Factor, this is what a lack of self-confidence actually looks like. Kisses, from Steve.)
Their quickstep is to KT Tunstall's 'Black Horse And The Cherry Tree'. It requires Patsy to begin the dance on the very first beat of the song; unfortunately, she misses this and as a result is completely out of time for the first few bars. The singers slur the words like they've been necking the Malibu between songs. Things improve slightly when Patsy and Robin take hold, but Patsy is basically hopping up and down just trying to keep up, and honestly, I think Robin was overambitious with this choreography. She's just not ready for something this complicated yet. All credit to Patsy, she really is making a valiant attempt at keeping up, but it's clear that it's a struggle for her.
Patsy's completely out of breath, but Bruce reassures her that it's the judges who will be doing all the talking now. Bruno wants Patsy to keep her confidence up, but she went wrong immediately as she started and then "your footwork was a bit like a pony at full gallop". Bruce tells Patsy her dress rehearsal was much better. Craig agrees that the chasses were "very horse-like" and that the whole thing felt too fast for her because she was out of time at the beginning and the end. Len says that the chasse can tend to look a bit gallopy when you have fast music, and clarifies that that's what Craig meant. He thinks the quantity of steps were there, but they lacked in quality. He tells Robin that the routine was ambitious, and congratulates Patsy for coming out with confidence. Patsy chimes in: "I know it looked appalling, but I had a really good time!" Bless her. Alesha says that it wasn't as bad as the others made out, and she thinks Patsy made a very good effort and shouldn't beat herself up about it.
Up in the Tess Circle, Patsy says that she didn't hear the count in, which is why she mistimed her opening, but she - wait for it - had a good time. She knows she's not the best dancer, but she hopes she gets to go through and even if she doesn't, it's been a great experience. Seriously, Patsy: at this rate, you're going to have nothing left to say when you actually do get eliminated. Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. Tess asks Patsy if she's got more to give, and Patsy is clearly struggling not to say "no", so Robin says "yes" on her behalf. I think he knows her quite well at this point.
Paul and Ola are next, and The Lovely Debbie McGee is in the audience cheering them on. Paul recalls his general problem with remembering the routine last week, but is heartened by Craig noticing some level of improvement. He explains that he has yet to find "a good hook" for memorising the dance routine, so he's taken to videoing Ola so he can watch and practice at home. It'll never stand up in court, Paul. At home, The Lovely Debbie McGee says that Paul has become much more serious, and he's "prancing around the house" all the time. Paul dances with his laptop in his hand. It's actually quite endearing. He shows his hip movements to Ola the next day. "I like it!" she enthuses. "Not a lot, but I like it." I think we're going to get that every week until he goes, aren't we?
Their rumba is to Rihanna's 'Take A Bow', and begins with Ola sitting on the steps. It's a Matt Di Angelo routine in reverse! There is the obligatory bit of magic as Paul conjures various things to offer, all of which Ola does not want. Then he does some hip swaying, which looks terrifyingly like those fantasy sequences that used to come up in I'm Alan Partridge when he'd offer to do a lap dance for Tony Hayers from the BBC. This is far more impressive to Ola, and they begin to dance, though it's a tad unfortunate that the first line of the first verse is "you look so dumb right now" because...well, you don't need me to finish that sentence. It's very much an Ola Jordan rumba in that the man is little more than a prop she uses to dance around, and Paul's contribution is minimal. As routines go, though, it's not entirely uncharming. [Be fair to Ola, she's never had a partner who was worth choreographing anything for in terms of rumba. - Carrie]
Craig thinks the armography was blocky and Paul showed no emotion, and his bourrée was "infantile". Paul admits that he didn't even know what one of those was, and explains that he was told to do it. "You weren't told to do it badly," Craig clarifies. "Yes, I was!" Paul retorts. Craig thinks Paul spent most of the routine ogling Ola. "He wasn't!" Ola protests. Bruce is all "everyone was ogling Ola!" as though that somehow makes the prospect less offensive. And then Len jumps in that he was ogling Ola too, and sweet Jesus, this show, sometimes. Len thinks parts were magical, parts were comical, and parts were diabolical, but the whole thing was entertaining. Alesha loves that Paul is really trying, and while she liked the magic and the lunges, she would like to see more from Paul. "More content. More dancing." Heh. Bruno says that it was like watching "Ola and the Giant Pepperpot." Alesha protests that this bit was funny. Bruno thinks the hip action was funnier. He says that nothing in the dance had any flow. Nothing in the dance "flew". This confuses Ola: "he wasn't supposed to fly!" she cries. Then Paul tells Ola off, and says that if they're still here next week, she's not to tell him to dance comedically. Poor Ola.
They can't scarper off to the Tess Circle fast enough, and Tess asks if Paul should've done more homework. Paul says that it was a comedy routine, played for comedy, and he was happy with that. I love that people basically make up answers to the question they want to hear. They might as well just replace Tess with a Speak Your Weight machine at this point. Scores: Craig 2, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 4 for a total of 16. Paul says that he's "panicking" in a tone that suggests he's doing nothing of the sort. Tess: "Coming up, we've got Gavin and Scott doing the rumba and the quickstep, respectively. Or not, as the case may be. *titter*" Can anyone with a Tess-to-English dictionary make sense of that for me please? Because I'm stumped. [I think she means Gavin may not dance a rumba, and/or Scott may not dance a quickstep, because they are rubbish, not that they might switch routines. - Carrie]
Matt and Aliona are next with a quickstep. Matt says that he went into a weird dream-like state last week and really enjoyed his routine. This week, however, he thinks he might really struggle because his brain doesn't work fast enough for the quickstep. Matt says that all the people who think this is easy for him should come in and try it. He and Aliona bicker about his difficulties picking up the routine.
They're dancing to 'Dreaming Of You' by the Coral, and I wish they hadn't done Aliona's hair up to make her bear quite such a close resemblance to Phyllis Pearce from Coronation Street. The routine begins with a floorspin for Aliona, and then Matt kisses her hand and pulls her up into a hold, from which they quickstep. Matt spends quite a lot of the routine grimacing like crazy as he tries to remember his timing and his footwork, though he looks more relaxed when they break hold for a bit of showboating. He's a great dancer, I can't dispute that, but this partnership doesn't work for me at all. They have no chemistry whatsoever. I'm not even sure they like each other that much, and they can choreograph all the stage kisses into the routine that they like, but it's not likely to change my mind.
Alesha tells Matt that the ladies in the room love him, and says that it was a very fast routine and he didn't always look comfortable, and sometimes he looked like he was struggling to keep up, but he still danced it very well. Bruno thought the timing was brilliant, and there was great variation in the routine. He tells Matt to relax a bit more because he can do it. Craig says he can't agree with Alesha about the timing issue. "I didn't say there was a timing issue!" spits Alesha. "I said it was a very fast routine and he did well to keep up!" Admittedly, it's not exactly what she said, but I think it's what she meant, so I'm willing to cut her a bit of slack here - certainly I agree that while Matt kept up with the routine, the look on his face for large chunks of the dance made it clear that he was having to work very hard to do so. Craig tells Matt to point his feet when he kicks, but he thought it was absolutely brilliant. Len admires Matt because he works on his technique, but he did feel like the whole routine was too manic and needed a level of calmness about it. The audience boo at this, because they're idiots. "Now you know what it's like, darling," sniffs Craig. Heh. Len thinks Matt is too good a dance for "silly little gags" like the floorspin at the beginning, because those are for poorer dancers who need to waste time. I have to say, the floorspin really didn't bother me at all as part of the routine, and I think to describe it as a "gag" demonstrates how bizarre Len's sense of humour must be. Anyway, Len gets all SANCTITY OF DAHNCE about it, and Bruce tells Aliona off for incorporating it. They trot off to the Tess Circle, and Aliona's a good two paces ahead of Matt and doesn't even look behind her when he awkwardly offers her hand, which I must admit is adding some fuel to my "they're really not that fond of each other" suspicions.
They do arrive on the Tess Circle hand in hand, however, and Matt says they wanted to go out and have a celebration tonight because it has been a tough week. He adds that the spins were there to keep people entertained, and credits Aliona for thinking to include them. Tess asks Matt how the pressure is, and Matt says that he wants to keep pushing himself. Tess asks Aliona how far Matt can go, and she says "very far". Scores: Craig 8, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Matt points out that he's had the same score every week. "Consistency, I like it."
Time for Gavin and Katya to show us their rumba. This should be fun. Gavin cringes as he remembers his salsa from last week. Backstage, he's all "I couldn't have done it any better" and Katya's all "YES YOU COULD", clearly a hair's breadth from kicking him in the shins. The requisite Difficult Training Montage follows as Gavin fails to pick up this week's routine at all, and Katya expresses her concerns about how she's going to get him to show emotion. Gavin says he'll have to start thinking things that will help him feel it. Then, in a piece of rehearsal footage, Katya tells him that she's thinking sexy thoughts. "Good for you," Gavin replies. They are coming dangerously close to becoming my favourite couple in the entire competition. Gavin wishes that Katya was single and interested in him, as they might have some chemistry then. Katya gets stroppy with him in rehearsals, and Gavin tells her to calm down. [Always a good way to pacify an angry woman, Gav, tell her, "All right, calm down!" - Carrie] "I'm yelling because I love you," yells Katya, channeling Tyra Banks. Gavin says that he hopes when they leave the dancefloor on Saturday he hasn't made Katya unhappy. I think he speaks for us all.
Their rumba is to 'Always On My Mind', and dance-wise it's not a total disaster, as there is the occasional hint of some decent hip action. However, Gavin is a total blank for most of it, and resembles all-new rumba dancing Action Man (press the button for realistic hip movements!). On the bright side, as far as Man Rumbas go, I've seen worse. They finish, and the camera cuts to the other celebs applauding in the Tess Circle, apart from Michelle, who is crying. She's such a strange fish, that one. Len thinks the rumba is a difficult dance for a man (drink!) because if you commit to it too much you risk looking "airy-fairy" or something. Fuck off, Len. Also: like Gavin Henson has ever worried about looking a bit airy-fairy. Len thinks that Gavin gave it a good shot and did a nice job, but it looked more like he was walking than dancing. Alesha thinks it was nicely done, and that Gavin has improved since last week. She tells him to give Katya more and not be afraid to go for it, and then adds "your bum looks great in those trousers." Presumably this is the part where Arlene decided that if she couldn't be there in person, she'd just have to swap bodies with Alesha and perve over the male celebs that way instead. Clearly it was far too draining for her to attempt it for more than three seconds, but at least she made them count. Bruno finds Gavin frustrating because he has got ability, and his opening was smooth and beautiful, but there was no emotion going through in the rest of it. "You can do it, you've got to break through it," he says, breaking into rhyme. Craig thinks his floorboards at home have more movement to them. He calls it "vacuous" and "vacant", and Bruce unwisely breaks in with "I imagine your floorboards are..." without actually thinking of a punchline, so he just trails off.
Up in the Tess Circle, Katya says she hopes the public will see Gavin's turning into a dancer. Gavin says that you don't show any emotion in rugby, but he thinks it is coming. "I'm trying," he insists. Bless. Scores: Craig 3, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 22. Katya's reaction to Craig's score is my favourite part of the show.
Midway leaderboard: Kara and Matt are joint first, with Felicity, Patsy, Gavin and Paul trailing in that order.
Bruce reminds us that Tina is ill and recovering at home, and we get a look at her rehearsal video. Tina was learning the rumba, but was finding it hard to stay focused because her daughter had chickenpox. This leads into a disease montage of hot flushes and itching and then we're with Tina, at home in her pyjamas, saying she knew there was a chance she could catch it as she's never had it herself. She gets a bit tearful and says that she feels like she's letting everyone down.
When we return, we're in the Tess Circle and Tess is sat on the sofas with Jared. Hilariously, the cameras come back on just as Aliona is turned around, presumably putting something on the floor, and she looks rather startled when she turns back and catches sight of the red light. Heh. Jared says that he and Tina have been texting and she's doing well, but she's devastated not to be performing, and they were both looking forward to their rumba. Tess reveals that Jared's entire family is over from Utah (minus one brother) to watch him, but hopefully they'll be back to see him next week. Tess clarifies that Tina's been given a bye until next week assuming her health improves, but if she's not better by then, she'll have to leave the competition. So presumably this is the end for Tina. I mean, it takes a while to get over chickenpox, doesn't it? And it's not just a case of being well enough to perform on Saturday - she's got to be well enough to train in the first place. Tess tries to lead everyone into a rousing "Get well Tina!" but no one is listening to her. Tee hee.
Ooh, Scott and Natalie are on next. Scott says that he really went for it last week, and that it's a rocket of emotions when you finish a dance, but then you go back to square one when you have to start training for the next one. He hopes he can live up to last week's performance.
Awesomely, their quickstep is to 'I Wanna Be Like You' from The Jungle Book. It's a very energetic routine that covers the space very well, and if Scott's struggling to keep up with the pace, he's doing a good job of hiding it. I think Natalie is a really good choreographer, actually - she's got a good eye for a routine that will show off her partner's strengths, and has avoided the mistake that both Robin and Aliona made of trying to push their partners too far too soon. It's another great showing from them, anyway.
Bruno calls it an "action-packed adventure of a quickstep" and compliments his combination of storytelling and technique, which he thinks is superb for week three. Craig says that Scott has a certain confidence that relaxes him, and he had swing and sway in his routine, which is very difficult. Len thinks Scott is very close to being a very good dancer. Alesha thinks there was lots of content in the routine and the quickstep is clearly Scott's dance.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess thinks there's an air of excitement in the studio when Scott takes to the floor. Scott thinks this is fear. Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Highest score of the night, and indeed of the competition so far.
Michelle and Brendan are next. Brendan is dressed like a bourbon cream, for some reason. Michelle's VT hates her once again, and focuses on the judges not liking her foxtrot last week and Michelle not knowing what she has to do to get good scores, goshdarnit. Michelle says that she gives it her all, and it's hard out there. I hope the pre-editing end of that sentence was "for a pimp." Brendan interviews that Michelle puts too much pressure on herself, and Michelle is looking upset this week that she's doing so poorly. Brendan has to give her a little break in one rehearsal to go outside and have a cry. Michelle says that he's really looking after her.
Their rumba is to 'Wicked Game', and Michelle kind of leaps into her first position, which is rather amusing. She still hasn't got control over her limbs and there's still something quite stumbly about her dancing, but she is getting better. There's purpose to this routine, and there are points where she actually gets it very right. It's just a shame that she's still so inconsistent. This routine didn't get a terribly warm reception on Twitter, but I think it was one of the evening's better rumbas. I'd rank it over Felicity's, for a start, on the grounds that it had more actual rumba content.
Alesha says that she felt for Michelle this week, and that the storytelling was believable, and there was the right amount of sensitivity. She liked the spins, but still wants to see more strength in Michelle's legs. Bruno agrees that it was "very well-played" and her turns have improved, and she's got some good lines - but he agrees with Alesha that she still needs work on the legs. Craig says that she hit some nice lines, but she needs to move more fluidly. Len says that her lines are good and their chemistry is good, but Michelle needs to move with more authority, and he suggests Michelle's heels should be lowered as it might improve her balance. They're being oddly nice to her this week. I think they were a bit worried that if they criticised her any more at this point she might actually melt.
Tess tells Michelle that she's getting there. "Bit by bit," Michelle agrees. For the people on the internet who are, for some reason, still screaming "UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!" despite everything we've seen so far, Tess gives Michelle more space to explain how this style of dancing is far beyond anything she was ever asked to do in Destiny's Child. In fact, I think her choreography instructions back then amounted to "keep out of the light and stand three feet behind Beyoncé at all times". Speaking of which, since Kelly Rowland was so prominently featured on The X Factor last week - any chance of coming to Television Centre and giving your girl some support, Kelly? I think she needs it, and I'm not sure you'll have many more opportunities. Scores: Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 24. Feh. I think they underscored her, but I can't really get too huffy about it because they probably overscored her cha cha cha in week one, so it all balances out in the end. Actually, it's not even the total score that bothers me so much as Craig giving her a four, which I think was overly harsh. Brendan says there are things they need to work on, but he's just proud of Michelle for getting through the week considering how hard it's been.
Peter and Erin are still here. Bruce thinks this is something that will please the lads, because of course women have no interest in football. I'll leave some space here for Carrie to spew abuse in his general direction. [Oh, what's the point? Bruce never listens to what I have to say. If he did, he'd have retired years ago. - Carrie] Peter thinks that being in the bottom two in the first week was one of the worst things ever to happen in his life, having apparently now been bitten by the same self-pitying hyperbole bug that got Kara after her week one stumble. Various footballing people spew footbally metaphors, and Peter is pleased that football fans are supporting him. He and Erin both think the quickstep is a good fit for him.
Their routine is to 'Lullaby Of Broadway'. Peter's lips are decidedly pursed throughout, which is rather distracting, but he's keeping up with the footwork rather well. It's slower than some of the other quicksteps this evening, which I suspect is Erin cleverly pitching the routine at the right speed for her partner, because she knows her ballroom, does Erin. I mean, it's not sluggish by any means, but he won't be setting off any speed cameras.
Alesha thinks Peter looks very comfortable, and his posture has improved - she thinks it's his best dance yet. Bruno thinks there are still some timing issues, but he had much more confidence, even if Erin was leading some of the time. He assures Peter that he's getting better, though. Craig says it's clear Erin has been drilling, but the leading was tentative, and it lacked swing and sway, though overall he thinks Peter did very well. Len says it was a proper quickstep with hold and posture, and Peter moved well across the floor. He thinks that if Peter is in the bottom two this week, he'll show his bum in Tesco. Eurgh. I had far too much Len-nudity on Dancing With The Stars this week; I don't need it here as well.
Tess asks Peter if he's ready to leave the competition yet. Peter, of course, is not: he says that Erin is a wonderful teacher and he thinks they make a good team. He just wants to do better every week. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 26. Peter and Erin are both pleased with that.
Jimi and Flavia are next. I'd actually forgotten they were even in this competition, which bodes well for them. Jimi interviews that he never thought he'd enjoy it this much. His mum Pat (who calls him James, tee hee) interviews that it's so gratifying to see him having fun. Jimi is enjoying the camaraderie on the show, and is generally having lots of fun. Unfortunately, Flavia reveals, Jimi has bruised some tendons in his foot, but Jimi is valiantly soldiering on. "Nothing can stop me having a great time on Strictly," he states. Apart from elimination, I assume.
His rumba is to 'Ain't No Sunshine', and he's acting it with conviction (even if there are points where I suspect he may have been picking from the bone of Artem's aforementioned giant ham), though there's almost too much fluidity to his movements, particularly his arms, which means we don't get to see his extensions and the shaping terribly clearly. It's easily the best Man Rumba of the night, anyway, though that's rather a hollow compliment.
Len's unsure about it: parts of it he liked, but there were bizarre things happening, like the arms, and the legs. He wonders if Jimi is perhaps trying too hard. The audience boos. "Did I say I didn't like it?" asks Len. Well, sort of, yes. Alesha attempts to alleviate things - she thinks Jimi looks awkward sometimes, but he's clearly working hard on the hip action and just needs to keep the tension in his body. She likes their chemistry and their partnership as a whole, though. Bruno doesn't know what happened - he thought it looked more neurotic than erotic, and says that it wasn't fluid enough. He thinks Jimi pushed it too hard and it became "odd". Craig things Jimi's hip and shoulder movements are "odd" and he needs to realise that "less is more". Jimi says that he has been struggling to get it right, and sways a bit on the spot, which is better movement than he managed during the dance.
Up in the Tess Circle, he says the comments are fair enough, and Flavia says it's a hard dance. They vow to come back harder if they survive to next week. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 25.
Nearly there! It's Ann and Anton, and Ann explains that last week's salsa was hilarious in a way they had not anticipated, because a significant chunk of the choreography was accidentally omitted. Ann says that even if her salsa is the worst on record, at least she made Craig laugh. She's concerned about the speed of the quickstep (at which point the editors rather cruelly play 'The Runaway Train' on the soundtrack) and admits that her inability has almost brought Anton to tears. Her rehearsal footage suggests she is need of a decent sports bra. Sorry, but it had to be said.
They're dancing to 'Puttin' On The Ritz', and begin with a bit of business that involves Anton in a top hat twirling a can and Ann "seductively" (yeah, right) discarding a feather boa. There are quite a few instances of Ann bumping into him as she dances, but she's keeping up with the steps a lot better than I expected she would. The gapping increases as the routine goes on, and there's a bit at the end where Ann's supposed to be twirling but loses track of where she is and Anton basically winds up tickling her, but it's still a laudable attempt.
Ann fails to stand on her mark once again, and has to be guided back into place by Bruce. Bruno tells Ann that she was twirling like a red menace, and says that she was driven through it by Anton, but at least it looked like a quickstep. Craig says that she turned a gorgeous red feather boa into a dishcloth. He thinks Ann's free arm has a mind of its own and she's not spotting when she's turning, and it looked like she was chasing him, but she did at least dance. Ann seems happy enough with that, though she seeks confirmation that it was better than the salsa. "I can't tell you how much better," Craig tells her. Ann promises that she has something "fantastic" lined up for next week. I so hope she's doing the charleston. Len makes a wan joke about the need to "lean to the left" in ballroom, which Ann didn't do, because it goes against every fibre of her being, after all. He thinks it's clear she's worked very hard, and her efforts have been rewarded. Alesha agrees, and says there were many more steps in there than the previous routines. "That wouldn't be difficult, would it?" Ann remarks, drily. Bruce informs Ann she is still his favourite.
Up in the Tess Circle, Ann thinks she's not a dancer yet, but thinks Anton deserves applause for all of his hard work with her. She says that she wants to be back next week because of the spectacular thing they've got planned. Tess asks if Craig might double the one he gave them last week. Ann replies "you do go on, don't you?" HA! There's a muffled protest from one or two people, and someone says "Oh no, we love Tess!" but I can't for the life of me think who it could be. It's a female voice, and English, but I can't work out who says it. It sounds more like Alesha than anyone, but I can't imagine she would even have heard that bit, or that her microphone would have been on. Hmm. Curioser and curioser. Scores: Craig 3, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. "After me going on, he trebled it!" crows Tess. Ann vows to get 19 next week. Heh.
Closing the show are Pamela and James. Their VT relives the epic brilliance of her post-floorspin stumble from last week, and Pamela recites some of Billy's advice to her, which was "keep smiling and avoid the furniture". James greets her on their first rehearsal by mock-stumbling into the room and screaming "morning!" in a very high-pitched voice. This is the gayest he has ever looked. James interviews that if he keeps joking about it, Pamela will get so frustrated that she'll never do it again. I don't think she did it on purpose the first time, James. Pamela hopes he can let it go. Don't hold your breath, Pam. She loves the rumba and wants to perform it well, but more than that, she wants to shut James up. Amen.
They're dancing to Adele's (spit, spit) version of 'Make You Feel My Love' and it's another very impressive, controlled routine from Pamela. She moves very easily and there's a lovely romantic charge to this dance. At the end there's a bit where they grab each other's wrists and tease us that they're going to do another floorspin, but instead James grabs her ankle and she flies around him instead.
Craig says that he's so glad she didn't get up from the floor last week ("I've been replaying that, darling, all week") and calls it absolutely fab-u-lous. Len cites good technique, chemistry, musicality and romance. He didn't like the spin at the end and didn't think that it added to the performance at all. "That was the exciting, showbizzy part!" Craig protests. Bruce thinks they should've had roller skates. Is he turning into Brian Friedman? Alesha thinks it was romantic and touching, and thinks that Pamela was born to dance. Bruno thinks Pamela sang with her body, and every movement was in perfect harmony with the words and meaning of the song. He calls her performance "completely satisfying at every level". Blimey.
They trot gleefully up to the Tess Circle, where Pamela says that her "beautiful toyboy" is amazing. She also recites some more advice from Billy, this time on the rumba: "There's only one way to succeed at the rumba, keep your back straight and wiggle your bum-ba." Oh dear. Scores: Craig 9, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Pamela and James are ecstatic, and Pamela cannot speak.
And that's it! Leaderboard: Pamela and James are at the top, then Scott and Natalie, then a tie between Kara and Artem and Matt and Aliona, then Felicity and Vincent, then Peter and Erin, then Jimi and Flavia, then a tie between Patsy and Robin and Michelle and Brendan, then Gavin and Katya, then Ann and Anton, and PAul and Ola at the very bottom. Tess reminds us that the middle is a dangerous place to be. The lines open! For thirty whole minutes! There's a quick reminder of the evening's performances (you don't need me for that, do you?) and then we're done. Someone will be going home in the results show, but who will it be?
Results show
Last night! Some people did well, while others did not! Pamela and James were top of the leaderboard, while Paul and Ola were at the bottom. The votes have been counted, and someone is about to go home. Eep!
Titles! Then we are clearly not live in Television Centre, and we begin with a bus stop-themed charleston from the professionals. Not everyone's here, though - just four couples, Robin & Kristina, Jared & Aliona, Vincent & Flavia and James & Ola. Jared is getting a chance to dance! Aww, so his mum didn't fly all the way over here for nothing after all. Though I'm not entirely sure she's convinced that this whole "no really, I've got a celebrity to dance with, and her name is Tina" story is washing with her quite yet. Seeing Kristina in this line-up makes me wonder if we'll ever get to see her with a halfway decent celebrity who'll give her a chance to show what she's really capable of. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure she'll even be back next year. It's a fun routine, anyway, there's lots of flapping and leaping and everyone's hamming up royally, even though Artem's not there. Oh, and then Tess reveals that GIANT LADY was the choreographer. Hooray for Giant Lady!
Tess fills for a bit before throwing to Claudia, who's up in the Tess Circle, and...can we still call it that when Claudia's in it? Tess reminds us that Peter Andre will be here later and we attempt to get excited about that. Recap time, now with added judges' banter! Len thinks it's a wide-open competition. Alesha thinks Kara is consistent, but isn't wowing her just yet. Len thinks Felicity was better this week, but she needs to break out of her shell. Patsy thinks Craig loathes her, while Craig thinks Patsy needs to stop being so paranoid. Alesha's not surprised to see Paul at the bottom of the leaderboard. Paul thinks the judges just didn't get it. Len doesn't want to see "Aliola" spinning about. Craig thinks Len is stuck in the past. Bruno thinks Matt has incredible ability. Len believes Gavin is self-conscious. Craig thinks Gavin needs to listen to what the judges tell him. The judges all love Scott. Len thinks Michelle doesn't live up to expectations. Michelle, in a rare outside interview, is feeling mixed emotions. Peter surprised Craig, in a good way. Erin is very excited to have received some sevens. Len thinks Jimi is trying too hard. Bruno loves Ann, and Alesha wonders if the height difference is an issue. Getting a three from Craig made Ann's day. Craig suspects three is his limit. Len thinks Pamela is an irresistible force. Alesha thinks she's keeping everyone else on their toes. Len thinks there are five or six potential winners, but only time can tell who it will be.
Time to reveal (some of) the results, in no particular order and with no particular sense. The first couple to be declared safe is Ann and Anton. Pamela and James are also safe. They're joined by Peter and Erin. Thank God - we won't have to see Len's buttocks. Also safe? Patsy and Robin. Patsy does another epic "you've got to be kidding me" face. And that's it for now.
Tess speaks to the judges, and asks Craig what he expects to see from Ann next week. Craig cites a note that Gene Kelly gave Tommy Tune on the set of Hello, Dolly!: "dance better". Tess points out that if Craig continues to triple his scores, Ann will get nine next week. Craig meets this with the derision it deserves. Tess reminds us that Len will not be showing his buttocks. Can't we just forget that was ever a threat? Please? For all our sakes?
Another pro number: the tango, unleashed, choreographed by Flavia. It's to 'Sweet Dreams' by Beyoncé and involves her being pushed around the stage on bits of tissue by Artem, James, Vincent and Robin. She gets borne aloft in a cross like Jesus, and there is a remarkable shortage of tango for the first minute or so, until she finally joins with Vincent. There's a terrifying bit where she's dancing with Robin, who picks her up and throws her back over his head (she does the splits in the process) for one of the other pros to catch. My heart was somewhere at the back of my throat at that point, I will admit. [Yes, because if they dropped her and she DIED, they wouldn't have cut that out of a pre-recorded show. - Carrie] There wasn't a lot of tango in it, and it did seem more like a GCSE Drama piece about mental illness at times, but it was fun, and isn't that what matters?
Claudia's with the saved celebs now. Pamela reminds us that the celebs are nothing without their pro partners. Peter's relieved to hear his name so early this week. Technically he heard it early last week too, it's just that it wasn't good news. Ann would like to say that she's very grateful to the public for letting her go through another week.
Time for more results with Tess downstairs, and the first couple in this batch to be declared safe is Jimi and Flavia. They'll be joined next week by Matt and Aliona and Kara and Artem. The first couple officially in the bottom two tonight is Paul and Ola. Ba da da da da! And the rest of the couples (and the viewers who don't read spoilers) will have to wait.
Tess turns to Alesha, who says that all the couples are trying hard. She knows how this stage feels (drink!) and it is petrifying. Tess asks Bruno about Jimi's performance with a terrible "Mistry/mystery" pun, and Bruno thinks that Jimi - wait for it - overdid it. Just in case we haven't quite picked up on that yet. Bruno's sure it's not a lack of talent that's the problem, though.
Claudia's with Paul and Ola, and Paul agrees with the public. "In showbusiness, you spend your life saying goodbye," he intones wisely, and adds that there's no one there more qualified to go home than he is. He'd rather he went than anyone else. Kara in particular seems rather touched by this. Ola says that they've done what they can, and Paul even did homework.
Time for Peter Andre, with an exclusive first performance of his new single 'Defender'. There is a military theme to the music and the dancing and the outfits. He appears to refer to "a military army" in the lyrics, as opposed to all the other kinds of army. There's not a lot else I can say about it. I'm not a fan, but when the alternative over on The X Factor is Diana "The Claw" Vickers and Katy "The Cunt" Perry, you can force yourself to enjoy anything.
After that, we return to the remaining four couples. Scott and Natalie will be dancing again next week, as will Felicity and Vincent. So it's between Gavin and Katya and Michelle and Brendan for the final safe spot, and the second couple in jeopardy is...Michelle and Brendan. Michelle nods her head, and Brendan claps. For the other couples, I assume, rather than their presence in the bottom two.
VT time! Paul does not want to leave the show, because he's spent a lot of his working life in the same studio doing magic shows. Michelle isn't ready to go home to the States, because she's come a long way, and wants to make it worthwhile. And then the VT is cut off rather abruptly. Seriously, this show is a pre-record - why do they edit it so poorly?
Tess reminds the couples of the comments they received the night before, and the couple leaving tonight is...Paul and Ola. It's hard to say who looks more depressed out of Michelle and Paul. I'd give Michelle the edge, quite frankly. I don't think she enjoyed her brush with the bottom two.
Paul tells Tess that he's had a brilliant time on the show: "No kidding, and if I'd had a terrible time, I'd tell you." Heh. He tells Ola that she's welcome around his house any time. Ola, nervously: "Thank you."
Next week, the celebs will be tackling either a tango or a charleston. Should be a good week. Paul and Ola take their final dance, and much to Claudia's glee, she finally gets to step out with Tess, though there is no KEEEEP DANCING. I mourn its absence. The other contestants round on Paul and Ola to give them kisses and hugs, and then we're done. See you next week!
Previously: the couples actually faced a public vote for the first time, having had a lot more screentime than most people do before they have to face that particular obstacle. Goldie and Kristina were eliminated, and Tess's voiceover tries to pass this off as a "shock result", which: no, Tess. Goldie and Peter were the two contestants above the obvious comedy contestants on the leaderboard, and the obvious comedy contestants rarely go in the first week. Goldie's elimination was about as much of a surprise as your constant inability to turn up wearing an outfit that doesn't look like it was previously used to store root vegetables. Now, the remaining couples are back (minus one, but we'll get to that later) and apparently everyone's finding this week's routines very difficult. So the rehearsal VTs should be fun, then.
Titles! We are LIVE from Television Centre, and we have Bruce, and we have Tess. Daly Dresswatch: a Grecian-looking red outfit with a gold belt. I almost expect her to say "titter ye not", but I think the chances of anyone tittering while Bruce is still reading out those awful jokes are fairly slim. It is nice to see us, to see us nice, and Bruce does an opening gag about buying a computer that doesn't really make an awful lot of sense, but it's fun to see him trying to say things like "USB port". Tess again tries to push the Goldie-as-shock-elimination agenda (still not buying it, Daly) and Bruce stammers about how hard everyone else will need to try tonight. Shall we meet our couples? Oh yes, do let's. Scott and Natalie, Peter and Erin, Jimi and Flavia, Paul and Ola, Patsy and Robin and Patsy's Prominent Rack, which I think deserves its own billing this week, Matt and Aliona (dear wardrobe department, pastel pinks do not go well with Aliona's flame-red hair), Kara and Artem, Pamela and James, Felicity and Vincent, Michelle and Brendan, Ann and Anton, and finally Gavin and Katya.
Noticed anyone missing? That's right, no Tina and Jared. Tess explains that Tina is ill and won't be competing tonight, and then says "we'll have more on that later" like she's Kirsty Wark on Newsnight or something. First up for this evening are Kara and Artem. The audience clap, and Artem is hilariously all "who, me? You like me, Oh, you GUYS!" I think Artem has been secretly snacking on a GIANT HAM this week. There's a gag about their James Bond routine from last week and how Len has always wanted to be double-o sev-unnnnn, and then we roll VT. [I did think that gag was quite good. Kill me now. - Carrie Kara feels like her nerves are subsiding, and finally manages to get through an entire interview without mentioning her trip in the first week. Hooray! She's especially proud of the nine that Alesha gave her last week. Training actually seems to be going well for them, and Kara enthuses about what a great teacher Artem is. Although he can't teach her to stop giggling, by the looks of things. Artem claims to find her laughter irresistible. For the first hour or so, perhaps, and then I bet he suddenly busts into Georgina Bouzova-era James Jordan. Kara points out that they can go from laughter to tantrum in quite a short space of time. She's hoping this week will not be her final chance to dance with Artem. I find it highly unlikely, Kara dear.
They're dancing a quickstep to Jet's 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl' and they begin on the balcony with a bit of business before trotting down the stairs for a Charleston-influenced section that ends with Kara performing an impressive cartwheel. Then they take hold and start leaping around the dancefloor at a serious lick, and there are very, very slight hints of timing struggles but on the whole this is very good indeed. It's both an accomplished quickstep and a very entertaining piece of choreography, so well done Artem. Fewer congratulations go to the fabulous singers, who are seriously struggling with the high notes, as we all knew they would the second we recognised the song.
Bruce thinks this is a good time to welcome the singers, Dave Arch, and his orchestra. The singers are probably thinking "a better time to welcome us would've been after a song we had a hope in hell of pulling off." There's the usual opening joke about the judges, but this week Bruno is the butt of the joke rather than Craig, which seems to take him rather by surprise. Len explains that the quickstep is a dance of two halves because the upper half of the body must stay very calm while the lower half is all frantic. He thought the beginning was a bit long, but it was fleet of foot and a great start. The camera cuts to Joe Thomas of The Inbetweeners fame, who I assume is there to support Kara, since her sister is his co-star, unless I'm missing a more obvious connection? Alesha says it's never easy to come out first, but Kara hasn't disappointed. She wasn't sure about the rock vibe at first, but thinks it worked, and Kara was very light on her feet. Bruno thought it was pacy and lively, but he thinks Kara's arm placements weren't up to her usual standards, and the arch in her back should be more extended. He claims that he has to keep her in check, because she's so good. I wouldn't worry, Bruno - keeping women in check is what the internet is there for. Craig opens: "picky, picky, picky, darling" - he was very impressed with the cartwheel in heels ("I've done that myself, darling, I know how tough that is.") and he thought the arm placement was good, despite what Bruno says.
Kara and Artem trot up to the Tess Circle, as we all wonder what kind of racy slip-up Kara's going to make this week. Tess asks how confident they were in kicking off the night, and Kara says it was hard, but fun. FNAR! Tess thinks that following a cardio workout like that, there's an exercise video in Kara's future. Scores are in: eights from all but Bruno, who awards it a seven, for a total of 31.
Felicity and Vincent are next with our first rumba of the evening. Felicity interviews that she's pleased to have another week to prove to the judges that she can be really, really good. The pinchedness in her face as she says this makes me wonder if she could still be a good candidate for this year's SURPRISE CRAZYPANTS contestant. (Sure, Michelle's crazy, but I don't think that was a surprise to anyone, was it?) Vincent is pleased that they have "the dance of the love" and explains to Felicity that it's the "vertical representation of the horizontal desire". He thinks she's very lucky to be dancing the rumba with him. Their routine involves a lot of bending. Felicity is worried about her son seeing this.
They're dancing to 'True Colours' and the routine begins with Felicity doing a crab-like backbend that's impressive if not terribly pretty to look at. Also? It's not dancing. That's kind of the ongoing problem with this routine - what rumba there is in it is quite nice, but a good 60% of the routine seems to be more of a Yogalates demonstration than an actual dance. I'm still not entirely convinced by Felicity as a dancer, either - there's something a bit stilted about her movement, even if her flexibility is impressive.
Len saw hip action, chemistry, and flexibility, and thinks it was definitely her best dance. Alesha says there was something very tender about the performance, and admires Felicity's bendiness. Bruno, who's behaving in a very sinister fashion tonight, smarms a bit more about Felicity's elasticity, but he's "going to be picky again" and tells her to watch her transitions, which can tend towards the laboured. Felicity says something which her mic doesn't quite pick up, but sounds something like "I got it wrong", and then Vincent and Bruno both shush her, and Felicity clamps a hand over her mouth. Felicity then quite clearly mouths "shit!" and then, realising where she is, clamps her hand over her mouth again. Heh. Craig loved the splits, but was less pleased with her arms, her rondes, and her stiff neck - but overall he found it impressive.
Felicity and Vincent head up to the Tess Circle, where Tess says that she has to issue a quick apology "in case she said something under her breath she didn't mean." Oh she meant it, you patronising boot. Tess is impressed with "flexible Felicity - would you like to be known as that from now on?" Felicity would. Tess asks Felicity how lucky she is to have Vincent teaching her the dance of love. I thought it was the dance of sex? If you don't come up with a clear distinction there, you're just asking for trouble. Felicity would like to do it again and get it right this time. Scores are in: Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 29. Felicity's very happy with that result.
Patsy and Robin are on third, and we are reminded how Patsy shook off her inhibitions last week. Patsy admits to being "genuinely shocked" that they got through, and feels more like herself again. Their rehearsals for the quickstep are troublesome. "They named it right," Patsy notes. "It's quick!" Robin boasts that he's made the routine very fast. Patsy says she knows she needs to work even harder to get this right, but Robin has been very patient. She says that she's having fun, but needs to make the most of it, because this week could be her last dance. I think we're going to get an ersatz elimination speech from her every week until she actually goes. (PS. Dear The X Factor, this is what a lack of self-confidence actually looks like. Kisses, from Steve.)
Their quickstep is to KT Tunstall's 'Black Horse And The Cherry Tree'. It requires Patsy to begin the dance on the very first beat of the song; unfortunately, she misses this and as a result is completely out of time for the first few bars. The singers slur the words like they've been necking the Malibu between songs. Things improve slightly when Patsy and Robin take hold, but Patsy is basically hopping up and down just trying to keep up, and honestly, I think Robin was overambitious with this choreography. She's just not ready for something this complicated yet. All credit to Patsy, she really is making a valiant attempt at keeping up, but it's clear that it's a struggle for her.
Patsy's completely out of breath, but Bruce reassures her that it's the judges who will be doing all the talking now. Bruno wants Patsy to keep her confidence up, but she went wrong immediately as she started and then "your footwork was a bit like a pony at full gallop". Bruce tells Patsy her dress rehearsal was much better. Craig agrees that the chasses were "very horse-like" and that the whole thing felt too fast for her because she was out of time at the beginning and the end. Len says that the chasse can tend to look a bit gallopy when you have fast music, and clarifies that that's what Craig meant. He thinks the quantity of steps were there, but they lacked in quality. He tells Robin that the routine was ambitious, and congratulates Patsy for coming out with confidence. Patsy chimes in: "I know it looked appalling, but I had a really good time!" Bless her. Alesha says that it wasn't as bad as the others made out, and she thinks Patsy made a very good effort and shouldn't beat herself up about it.
Up in the Tess Circle, Patsy says that she didn't hear the count in, which is why she mistimed her opening, but she - wait for it - had a good time. She knows she's not the best dancer, but she hopes she gets to go through and even if she doesn't, it's been a great experience. Seriously, Patsy: at this rate, you're going to have nothing left to say when you actually do get eliminated. Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. Tess asks Patsy if she's got more to give, and Patsy is clearly struggling not to say "no", so Robin says "yes" on her behalf. I think he knows her quite well at this point.
Paul and Ola are next, and The Lovely Debbie McGee is in the audience cheering them on. Paul recalls his general problem with remembering the routine last week, but is heartened by Craig noticing some level of improvement. He explains that he has yet to find "a good hook" for memorising the dance routine, so he's taken to videoing Ola so he can watch and practice at home. It'll never stand up in court, Paul. At home, The Lovely Debbie McGee says that Paul has become much more serious, and he's "prancing around the house" all the time. Paul dances with his laptop in his hand. It's actually quite endearing. He shows his hip movements to Ola the next day. "I like it!" she enthuses. "Not a lot, but I like it." I think we're going to get that every week until he goes, aren't we?
Their rumba is to Rihanna's 'Take A Bow', and begins with Ola sitting on the steps. It's a Matt Di Angelo routine in reverse! There is the obligatory bit of magic as Paul conjures various things to offer, all of which Ola does not want. Then he does some hip swaying, which looks terrifyingly like those fantasy sequences that used to come up in I'm Alan Partridge when he'd offer to do a lap dance for Tony Hayers from the BBC. This is far more impressive to Ola, and they begin to dance, though it's a tad unfortunate that the first line of the first verse is "you look so dumb right now" because...well, you don't need me to finish that sentence. It's very much an Ola Jordan rumba in that the man is little more than a prop she uses to dance around, and Paul's contribution is minimal. As routines go, though, it's not entirely uncharming. [Be fair to Ola, she's never had a partner who was worth choreographing anything for in terms of rumba. - Carrie]
Craig thinks the armography was blocky and Paul showed no emotion, and his bourrée was "infantile". Paul admits that he didn't even know what one of those was, and explains that he was told to do it. "You weren't told to do it badly," Craig clarifies. "Yes, I was!" Paul retorts. Craig thinks Paul spent most of the routine ogling Ola. "He wasn't!" Ola protests. Bruce is all "everyone was ogling Ola!" as though that somehow makes the prospect less offensive. And then Len jumps in that he was ogling Ola too, and sweet Jesus, this show, sometimes. Len thinks parts were magical, parts were comical, and parts were diabolical, but the whole thing was entertaining. Alesha loves that Paul is really trying, and while she liked the magic and the lunges, she would like to see more from Paul. "More content. More dancing." Heh. Bruno says that it was like watching "Ola and the Giant Pepperpot." Alesha protests that this bit was funny. Bruno thinks the hip action was funnier. He says that nothing in the dance had any flow. Nothing in the dance "flew". This confuses Ola: "he wasn't supposed to fly!" she cries. Then Paul tells Ola off, and says that if they're still here next week, she's not to tell him to dance comedically. Poor Ola.
They can't scarper off to the Tess Circle fast enough, and Tess asks if Paul should've done more homework. Paul says that it was a comedy routine, played for comedy, and he was happy with that. I love that people basically make up answers to the question they want to hear. They might as well just replace Tess with a Speak Your Weight machine at this point. Scores: Craig 2, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 4 for a total of 16. Paul says that he's "panicking" in a tone that suggests he's doing nothing of the sort. Tess: "Coming up, we've got Gavin and Scott doing the rumba and the quickstep, respectively. Or not, as the case may be. *titter*" Can anyone with a Tess-to-English dictionary make sense of that for me please? Because I'm stumped. [I think she means Gavin may not dance a rumba, and/or Scott may not dance a quickstep, because they are rubbish, not that they might switch routines. - Carrie]
Matt and Aliona are next with a quickstep. Matt says that he went into a weird dream-like state last week and really enjoyed his routine. This week, however, he thinks he might really struggle because his brain doesn't work fast enough for the quickstep. Matt says that all the people who think this is easy for him should come in and try it. He and Aliona bicker about his difficulties picking up the routine.
They're dancing to 'Dreaming Of You' by the Coral, and I wish they hadn't done Aliona's hair up to make her bear quite such a close resemblance to Phyllis Pearce from Coronation Street. The routine begins with a floorspin for Aliona, and then Matt kisses her hand and pulls her up into a hold, from which they quickstep. Matt spends quite a lot of the routine grimacing like crazy as he tries to remember his timing and his footwork, though he looks more relaxed when they break hold for a bit of showboating. He's a great dancer, I can't dispute that, but this partnership doesn't work for me at all. They have no chemistry whatsoever. I'm not even sure they like each other that much, and they can choreograph all the stage kisses into the routine that they like, but it's not likely to change my mind.
Alesha tells Matt that the ladies in the room love him, and says that it was a very fast routine and he didn't always look comfortable, and sometimes he looked like he was struggling to keep up, but he still danced it very well. Bruno thought the timing was brilliant, and there was great variation in the routine. He tells Matt to relax a bit more because he can do it. Craig says he can't agree with Alesha about the timing issue. "I didn't say there was a timing issue!" spits Alesha. "I said it was a very fast routine and he did well to keep up!" Admittedly, it's not exactly what she said, but I think it's what she meant, so I'm willing to cut her a bit of slack here - certainly I agree that while Matt kept up with the routine, the look on his face for large chunks of the dance made it clear that he was having to work very hard to do so. Craig tells Matt to point his feet when he kicks, but he thought it was absolutely brilliant. Len admires Matt because he works on his technique, but he did feel like the whole routine was too manic and needed a level of calmness about it. The audience boo at this, because they're idiots. "Now you know what it's like, darling," sniffs Craig. Heh. Len thinks Matt is too good a dance for "silly little gags" like the floorspin at the beginning, because those are for poorer dancers who need to waste time. I have to say, the floorspin really didn't bother me at all as part of the routine, and I think to describe it as a "gag" demonstrates how bizarre Len's sense of humour must be. Anyway, Len gets all SANCTITY OF DAHNCE about it, and Bruce tells Aliona off for incorporating it. They trot off to the Tess Circle, and Aliona's a good two paces ahead of Matt and doesn't even look behind her when he awkwardly offers her hand, which I must admit is adding some fuel to my "they're really not that fond of each other" suspicions.
They do arrive on the Tess Circle hand in hand, however, and Matt says they wanted to go out and have a celebration tonight because it has been a tough week. He adds that the spins were there to keep people entertained, and credits Aliona for thinking to include them. Tess asks Matt how the pressure is, and Matt says that he wants to keep pushing himself. Tess asks Aliona how far Matt can go, and she says "very far". Scores: Craig 8, Len 7, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Matt points out that he's had the same score every week. "Consistency, I like it."
Time for Gavin and Katya to show us their rumba. This should be fun. Gavin cringes as he remembers his salsa from last week. Backstage, he's all "I couldn't have done it any better" and Katya's all "YES YOU COULD", clearly a hair's breadth from kicking him in the shins. The requisite Difficult Training Montage follows as Gavin fails to pick up this week's routine at all, and Katya expresses her concerns about how she's going to get him to show emotion. Gavin says he'll have to start thinking things that will help him feel it. Then, in a piece of rehearsal footage, Katya tells him that she's thinking sexy thoughts. "Good for you," Gavin replies. They are coming dangerously close to becoming my favourite couple in the entire competition. Gavin wishes that Katya was single and interested in him, as they might have some chemistry then. Katya gets stroppy with him in rehearsals, and Gavin tells her to calm down. [Always a good way to pacify an angry woman, Gav, tell her, "All right, calm down!" - Carrie] "I'm yelling because I love you," yells Katya, channeling Tyra Banks. Gavin says that he hopes when they leave the dancefloor on Saturday he hasn't made Katya unhappy. I think he speaks for us all.
Their rumba is to 'Always On My Mind', and dance-wise it's not a total disaster, as there is the occasional hint of some decent hip action. However, Gavin is a total blank for most of it, and resembles all-new rumba dancing Action Man (press the button for realistic hip movements!). On the bright side, as far as Man Rumbas go, I've seen worse. They finish, and the camera cuts to the other celebs applauding in the Tess Circle, apart from Michelle, who is crying. She's such a strange fish, that one. Len thinks the rumba is a difficult dance for a man (drink!) because if you commit to it too much you risk looking "airy-fairy" or something. Fuck off, Len. Also: like Gavin Henson has ever worried about looking a bit airy-fairy. Len thinks that Gavin gave it a good shot and did a nice job, but it looked more like he was walking than dancing. Alesha thinks it was nicely done, and that Gavin has improved since last week. She tells him to give Katya more and not be afraid to go for it, and then adds "your bum looks great in those trousers." Presumably this is the part where Arlene decided that if she couldn't be there in person, she'd just have to swap bodies with Alesha and perve over the male celebs that way instead. Clearly it was far too draining for her to attempt it for more than three seconds, but at least she made them count. Bruno finds Gavin frustrating because he has got ability, and his opening was smooth and beautiful, but there was no emotion going through in the rest of it. "You can do it, you've got to break through it," he says, breaking into rhyme. Craig thinks his floorboards at home have more movement to them. He calls it "vacuous" and "vacant", and Bruce unwisely breaks in with "I imagine your floorboards are..." without actually thinking of a punchline, so he just trails off.
Up in the Tess Circle, Katya says she hopes the public will see Gavin's turning into a dancer. Gavin says that you don't show any emotion in rugby, but he thinks it is coming. "I'm trying," he insists. Bless. Scores: Craig 3, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 22. Katya's reaction to Craig's score is my favourite part of the show.
Midway leaderboard: Kara and Matt are joint first, with Felicity, Patsy, Gavin and Paul trailing in that order.
Bruce reminds us that Tina is ill and recovering at home, and we get a look at her rehearsal video. Tina was learning the rumba, but was finding it hard to stay focused because her daughter had chickenpox. This leads into a disease montage of hot flushes and itching and then we're with Tina, at home in her pyjamas, saying she knew there was a chance she could catch it as she's never had it herself. She gets a bit tearful and says that she feels like she's letting everyone down.
When we return, we're in the Tess Circle and Tess is sat on the sofas with Jared. Hilariously, the cameras come back on just as Aliona is turned around, presumably putting something on the floor, and she looks rather startled when she turns back and catches sight of the red light. Heh. Jared says that he and Tina have been texting and she's doing well, but she's devastated not to be performing, and they were both looking forward to their rumba. Tess reveals that Jared's entire family is over from Utah (minus one brother) to watch him, but hopefully they'll be back to see him next week. Tess clarifies that Tina's been given a bye until next week assuming her health improves, but if she's not better by then, she'll have to leave the competition. So presumably this is the end for Tina. I mean, it takes a while to get over chickenpox, doesn't it? And it's not just a case of being well enough to perform on Saturday - she's got to be well enough to train in the first place. Tess tries to lead everyone into a rousing "Get well Tina!" but no one is listening to her. Tee hee.
Ooh, Scott and Natalie are on next. Scott says that he really went for it last week, and that it's a rocket of emotions when you finish a dance, but then you go back to square one when you have to start training for the next one. He hopes he can live up to last week's performance.
Awesomely, their quickstep is to 'I Wanna Be Like You' from The Jungle Book. It's a very energetic routine that covers the space very well, and if Scott's struggling to keep up with the pace, he's doing a good job of hiding it. I think Natalie is a really good choreographer, actually - she's got a good eye for a routine that will show off her partner's strengths, and has avoided the mistake that both Robin and Aliona made of trying to push their partners too far too soon. It's another great showing from them, anyway.
Bruno calls it an "action-packed adventure of a quickstep" and compliments his combination of storytelling and technique, which he thinks is superb for week three. Craig says that Scott has a certain confidence that relaxes him, and he had swing and sway in his routine, which is very difficult. Len thinks Scott is very close to being a very good dancer. Alesha thinks there was lots of content in the routine and the quickstep is clearly Scott's dance.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess thinks there's an air of excitement in the studio when Scott takes to the floor. Scott thinks this is fear. Scores: Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Highest score of the night, and indeed of the competition so far.
Michelle and Brendan are next. Brendan is dressed like a bourbon cream, for some reason. Michelle's VT hates her once again, and focuses on the judges not liking her foxtrot last week and Michelle not knowing what she has to do to get good scores, goshdarnit. Michelle says that she gives it her all, and it's hard out there. I hope the pre-editing end of that sentence was "for a pimp." Brendan interviews that Michelle puts too much pressure on herself, and Michelle is looking upset this week that she's doing so poorly. Brendan has to give her a little break in one rehearsal to go outside and have a cry. Michelle says that he's really looking after her.
Their rumba is to 'Wicked Game', and Michelle kind of leaps into her first position, which is rather amusing. She still hasn't got control over her limbs and there's still something quite stumbly about her dancing, but she is getting better. There's purpose to this routine, and there are points where she actually gets it very right. It's just a shame that she's still so inconsistent. This routine didn't get a terribly warm reception on Twitter, but I think it was one of the evening's better rumbas. I'd rank it over Felicity's, for a start, on the grounds that it had more actual rumba content.
Alesha says that she felt for Michelle this week, and that the storytelling was believable, and there was the right amount of sensitivity. She liked the spins, but still wants to see more strength in Michelle's legs. Bruno agrees that it was "very well-played" and her turns have improved, and she's got some good lines - but he agrees with Alesha that she still needs work on the legs. Craig says that she hit some nice lines, but she needs to move more fluidly. Len says that her lines are good and their chemistry is good, but Michelle needs to move with more authority, and he suggests Michelle's heels should be lowered as it might improve her balance. They're being oddly nice to her this week. I think they were a bit worried that if they criticised her any more at this point she might actually melt.
Tess tells Michelle that she's getting there. "Bit by bit," Michelle agrees. For the people on the internet who are, for some reason, still screaming "UNFAIR ADVANTAGE!" despite everything we've seen so far, Tess gives Michelle more space to explain how this style of dancing is far beyond anything she was ever asked to do in Destiny's Child. In fact, I think her choreography instructions back then amounted to "keep out of the light and stand three feet behind Beyoncé at all times". Speaking of which, since Kelly Rowland was so prominently featured on The X Factor last week - any chance of coming to Television Centre and giving your girl some support, Kelly? I think she needs it, and I'm not sure you'll have many more opportunities. Scores: Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 24. Feh. I think they underscored her, but I can't really get too huffy about it because they probably overscored her cha cha cha in week one, so it all balances out in the end. Actually, it's not even the total score that bothers me so much as Craig giving her a four, which I think was overly harsh. Brendan says there are things they need to work on, but he's just proud of Michelle for getting through the week considering how hard it's been.
Peter and Erin are still here. Bruce thinks this is something that will please the lads, because of course women have no interest in football. I'll leave some space here for Carrie to spew abuse in his general direction. [Oh, what's the point? Bruce never listens to what I have to say. If he did, he'd have retired years ago. - Carrie] Peter thinks that being in the bottom two in the first week was one of the worst things ever to happen in his life, having apparently now been bitten by the same self-pitying hyperbole bug that got Kara after her week one stumble. Various footballing people spew footbally metaphors, and Peter is pleased that football fans are supporting him. He and Erin both think the quickstep is a good fit for him.
Their routine is to 'Lullaby Of Broadway'. Peter's lips are decidedly pursed throughout, which is rather distracting, but he's keeping up with the footwork rather well. It's slower than some of the other quicksteps this evening, which I suspect is Erin cleverly pitching the routine at the right speed for her partner, because she knows her ballroom, does Erin. I mean, it's not sluggish by any means, but he won't be setting off any speed cameras.
Alesha thinks Peter looks very comfortable, and his posture has improved - she thinks it's his best dance yet. Bruno thinks there are still some timing issues, but he had much more confidence, even if Erin was leading some of the time. He assures Peter that he's getting better, though. Craig says it's clear Erin has been drilling, but the leading was tentative, and it lacked swing and sway, though overall he thinks Peter did very well. Len says it was a proper quickstep with hold and posture, and Peter moved well across the floor. He thinks that if Peter is in the bottom two this week, he'll show his bum in Tesco. Eurgh. I had far too much Len-nudity on Dancing With The Stars this week; I don't need it here as well.
Tess asks Peter if he's ready to leave the competition yet. Peter, of course, is not: he says that Erin is a wonderful teacher and he thinks they make a good team. He just wants to do better every week. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 26. Peter and Erin are both pleased with that.
Jimi and Flavia are next. I'd actually forgotten they were even in this competition, which bodes well for them. Jimi interviews that he never thought he'd enjoy it this much. His mum Pat (who calls him James, tee hee) interviews that it's so gratifying to see him having fun. Jimi is enjoying the camaraderie on the show, and is generally having lots of fun. Unfortunately, Flavia reveals, Jimi has bruised some tendons in his foot, but Jimi is valiantly soldiering on. "Nothing can stop me having a great time on Strictly," he states. Apart from elimination, I assume.
His rumba is to 'Ain't No Sunshine', and he's acting it with conviction (even if there are points where I suspect he may have been picking from the bone of Artem's aforementioned giant ham), though there's almost too much fluidity to his movements, particularly his arms, which means we don't get to see his extensions and the shaping terribly clearly. It's easily the best Man Rumba of the night, anyway, though that's rather a hollow compliment.
Len's unsure about it: parts of it he liked, but there were bizarre things happening, like the arms, and the legs. He wonders if Jimi is perhaps trying too hard. The audience boos. "Did I say I didn't like it?" asks Len. Well, sort of, yes. Alesha attempts to alleviate things - she thinks Jimi looks awkward sometimes, but he's clearly working hard on the hip action and just needs to keep the tension in his body. She likes their chemistry and their partnership as a whole, though. Bruno doesn't know what happened - he thought it looked more neurotic than erotic, and says that it wasn't fluid enough. He thinks Jimi pushed it too hard and it became "odd". Craig things Jimi's hip and shoulder movements are "odd" and he needs to realise that "less is more". Jimi says that he has been struggling to get it right, and sways a bit on the spot, which is better movement than he managed during the dance.
Up in the Tess Circle, he says the comments are fair enough, and Flavia says it's a hard dance. They vow to come back harder if they survive to next week. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 25.
Nearly there! It's Ann and Anton, and Ann explains that last week's salsa was hilarious in a way they had not anticipated, because a significant chunk of the choreography was accidentally omitted. Ann says that even if her salsa is the worst on record, at least she made Craig laugh. She's concerned about the speed of the quickstep (at which point the editors rather cruelly play 'The Runaway Train' on the soundtrack) and admits that her inability has almost brought Anton to tears. Her rehearsal footage suggests she is need of a decent sports bra. Sorry, but it had to be said.
They're dancing to 'Puttin' On The Ritz', and begin with a bit of business that involves Anton in a top hat twirling a can and Ann "seductively" (yeah, right) discarding a feather boa. There are quite a few instances of Ann bumping into him as she dances, but she's keeping up with the steps a lot better than I expected she would. The gapping increases as the routine goes on, and there's a bit at the end where Ann's supposed to be twirling but loses track of where she is and Anton basically winds up tickling her, but it's still a laudable attempt.
Ann fails to stand on her mark once again, and has to be guided back into place by Bruce. Bruno tells Ann that she was twirling like a red menace, and says that she was driven through it by Anton, but at least it looked like a quickstep. Craig says that she turned a gorgeous red feather boa into a dishcloth. He thinks Ann's free arm has a mind of its own and she's not spotting when she's turning, and it looked like she was chasing him, but she did at least dance. Ann seems happy enough with that, though she seeks confirmation that it was better than the salsa. "I can't tell you how much better," Craig tells her. Ann promises that she has something "fantastic" lined up for next week. I so hope she's doing the charleston. Len makes a wan joke about the need to "lean to the left" in ballroom, which Ann didn't do, because it goes against every fibre of her being, after all. He thinks it's clear she's worked very hard, and her efforts have been rewarded. Alesha agrees, and says there were many more steps in there than the previous routines. "That wouldn't be difficult, would it?" Ann remarks, drily. Bruce informs Ann she is still his favourite.
Up in the Tess Circle, Ann thinks she's not a dancer yet, but thinks Anton deserves applause for all of his hard work with her. She says that she wants to be back next week because of the spectacular thing they've got planned. Tess asks if Craig might double the one he gave them last week. Ann replies "you do go on, don't you?" HA! There's a muffled protest from one or two people, and someone says "Oh no, we love Tess!" but I can't for the life of me think who it could be. It's a female voice, and English, but I can't work out who says it. It sounds more like Alesha than anyone, but I can't imagine she would even have heard that bit, or that her microphone would have been on. Hmm. Curioser and curioser. Scores: Craig 3, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. "After me going on, he trebled it!" crows Tess. Ann vows to get 19 next week. Heh.
Closing the show are Pamela and James. Their VT relives the epic brilliance of her post-floorspin stumble from last week, and Pamela recites some of Billy's advice to her, which was "keep smiling and avoid the furniture". James greets her on their first rehearsal by mock-stumbling into the room and screaming "morning!" in a very high-pitched voice. This is the gayest he has ever looked. James interviews that if he keeps joking about it, Pamela will get so frustrated that she'll never do it again. I don't think she did it on purpose the first time, James. Pamela hopes he can let it go. Don't hold your breath, Pam. She loves the rumba and wants to perform it well, but more than that, she wants to shut James up. Amen.
They're dancing to Adele's (spit, spit) version of 'Make You Feel My Love' and it's another very impressive, controlled routine from Pamela. She moves very easily and there's a lovely romantic charge to this dance. At the end there's a bit where they grab each other's wrists and tease us that they're going to do another floorspin, but instead James grabs her ankle and she flies around him instead.
Craig says that he's so glad she didn't get up from the floor last week ("I've been replaying that, darling, all week") and calls it absolutely fab-u-lous. Len cites good technique, chemistry, musicality and romance. He didn't like the spin at the end and didn't think that it added to the performance at all. "That was the exciting, showbizzy part!" Craig protests. Bruce thinks they should've had roller skates. Is he turning into Brian Friedman? Alesha thinks it was romantic and touching, and thinks that Pamela was born to dance. Bruno thinks Pamela sang with her body, and every movement was in perfect harmony with the words and meaning of the song. He calls her performance "completely satisfying at every level". Blimey.
They trot gleefully up to the Tess Circle, where Pamela says that her "beautiful toyboy" is amazing. She also recites some more advice from Billy, this time on the rumba: "There's only one way to succeed at the rumba, keep your back straight and wiggle your bum-ba." Oh dear. Scores: Craig 9, Len 8, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Pamela and James are ecstatic, and Pamela cannot speak.
And that's it! Leaderboard: Pamela and James are at the top, then Scott and Natalie, then a tie between Kara and Artem and Matt and Aliona, then Felicity and Vincent, then Peter and Erin, then Jimi and Flavia, then a tie between Patsy and Robin and Michelle and Brendan, then Gavin and Katya, then Ann and Anton, and PAul and Ola at the very bottom. Tess reminds us that the middle is a dangerous place to be. The lines open! For thirty whole minutes! There's a quick reminder of the evening's performances (you don't need me for that, do you?) and then we're done. Someone will be going home in the results show, but who will it be?
Results show
Last night! Some people did well, while others did not! Pamela and James were top of the leaderboard, while Paul and Ola were at the bottom. The votes have been counted, and someone is about to go home. Eep!
Titles! Then we are clearly not live in Television Centre, and we begin with a bus stop-themed charleston from the professionals. Not everyone's here, though - just four couples, Robin & Kristina, Jared & Aliona, Vincent & Flavia and James & Ola. Jared is getting a chance to dance! Aww, so his mum didn't fly all the way over here for nothing after all. Though I'm not entirely sure she's convinced that this whole "no really, I've got a celebrity to dance with, and her name is Tina" story is washing with her quite yet. Seeing Kristina in this line-up makes me wonder if we'll ever get to see her with a halfway decent celebrity who'll give her a chance to show what she's really capable of. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure she'll even be back next year. It's a fun routine, anyway, there's lots of flapping and leaping and everyone's hamming up royally, even though Artem's not there. Oh, and then Tess reveals that GIANT LADY was the choreographer. Hooray for Giant Lady!
Tess fills for a bit before throwing to Claudia, who's up in the Tess Circle, and...can we still call it that when Claudia's in it? Tess reminds us that Peter Andre will be here later and we attempt to get excited about that. Recap time, now with added judges' banter! Len thinks it's a wide-open competition. Alesha thinks Kara is consistent, but isn't wowing her just yet. Len thinks Felicity was better this week, but she needs to break out of her shell. Patsy thinks Craig loathes her, while Craig thinks Patsy needs to stop being so paranoid. Alesha's not surprised to see Paul at the bottom of the leaderboard. Paul thinks the judges just didn't get it. Len doesn't want to see "Aliola" spinning about. Craig thinks Len is stuck in the past. Bruno thinks Matt has incredible ability. Len believes Gavin is self-conscious. Craig thinks Gavin needs to listen to what the judges tell him. The judges all love Scott. Len thinks Michelle doesn't live up to expectations. Michelle, in a rare outside interview, is feeling mixed emotions. Peter surprised Craig, in a good way. Erin is very excited to have received some sevens. Len thinks Jimi is trying too hard. Bruno loves Ann, and Alesha wonders if the height difference is an issue. Getting a three from Craig made Ann's day. Craig suspects three is his limit. Len thinks Pamela is an irresistible force. Alesha thinks she's keeping everyone else on their toes. Len thinks there are five or six potential winners, but only time can tell who it will be.
Time to reveal (some of) the results, in no particular order and with no particular sense. The first couple to be declared safe is Ann and Anton. Pamela and James are also safe. They're joined by Peter and Erin. Thank God - we won't have to see Len's buttocks. Also safe? Patsy and Robin. Patsy does another epic "you've got to be kidding me" face. And that's it for now.
Tess speaks to the judges, and asks Craig what he expects to see from Ann next week. Craig cites a note that Gene Kelly gave Tommy Tune on the set of Hello, Dolly!: "dance better". Tess points out that if Craig continues to triple his scores, Ann will get nine next week. Craig meets this with the derision it deserves. Tess reminds us that Len will not be showing his buttocks. Can't we just forget that was ever a threat? Please? For all our sakes?
Another pro number: the tango, unleashed, choreographed by Flavia. It's to 'Sweet Dreams' by Beyoncé and involves her being pushed around the stage on bits of tissue by Artem, James, Vincent and Robin. She gets borne aloft in a cross like Jesus, and there is a remarkable shortage of tango for the first minute or so, until she finally joins with Vincent. There's a terrifying bit where she's dancing with Robin, who picks her up and throws her back over his head (she does the splits in the process) for one of the other pros to catch. My heart was somewhere at the back of my throat at that point, I will admit. [Yes, because if they dropped her and she DIED, they wouldn't have cut that out of a pre-recorded show. - Carrie] There wasn't a lot of tango in it, and it did seem more like a GCSE Drama piece about mental illness at times, but it was fun, and isn't that what matters?
Claudia's with the saved celebs now. Pamela reminds us that the celebs are nothing without their pro partners. Peter's relieved to hear his name so early this week. Technically he heard it early last week too, it's just that it wasn't good news. Ann would like to say that she's very grateful to the public for letting her go through another week.
Time for more results with Tess downstairs, and the first couple in this batch to be declared safe is Jimi and Flavia. They'll be joined next week by Matt and Aliona and Kara and Artem. The first couple officially in the bottom two tonight is Paul and Ola. Ba da da da da! And the rest of the couples (and the viewers who don't read spoilers) will have to wait.
Tess turns to Alesha, who says that all the couples are trying hard. She knows how this stage feels (drink!) and it is petrifying. Tess asks Bruno about Jimi's performance with a terrible "Mistry/mystery" pun, and Bruno thinks that Jimi - wait for it - overdid it. Just in case we haven't quite picked up on that yet. Bruno's sure it's not a lack of talent that's the problem, though.
Claudia's with Paul and Ola, and Paul agrees with the public. "In showbusiness, you spend your life saying goodbye," he intones wisely, and adds that there's no one there more qualified to go home than he is. He'd rather he went than anyone else. Kara in particular seems rather touched by this. Ola says that they've done what they can, and Paul even did homework.
Time for Peter Andre, with an exclusive first performance of his new single 'Defender'. There is a military theme to the music and the dancing and the outfits. He appears to refer to "a military army" in the lyrics, as opposed to all the other kinds of army. There's not a lot else I can say about it. I'm not a fan, but when the alternative over on The X Factor is Diana "The Claw" Vickers and Katy "The Cunt" Perry, you can force yourself to enjoy anything.
After that, we return to the remaining four couples. Scott and Natalie will be dancing again next week, as will Felicity and Vincent. So it's between Gavin and Katya and Michelle and Brendan for the final safe spot, and the second couple in jeopardy is...Michelle and Brendan. Michelle nods her head, and Brendan claps. For the other couples, I assume, rather than their presence in the bottom two.
VT time! Paul does not want to leave the show, because he's spent a lot of his working life in the same studio doing magic shows. Michelle isn't ready to go home to the States, because she's come a long way, and wants to make it worthwhile. And then the VT is cut off rather abruptly. Seriously, this show is a pre-record - why do they edit it so poorly?
Tess reminds the couples of the comments they received the night before, and the couple leaving tonight is...Paul and Ola. It's hard to say who looks more depressed out of Michelle and Paul. I'd give Michelle the edge, quite frankly. I don't think she enjoyed her brush with the bottom two.
Paul tells Tess that he's had a brilliant time on the show: "No kidding, and if I'd had a terrible time, I'd tell you." Heh. He tells Ola that she's welcome around his house any time. Ola, nervously: "Thank you."
Next week, the celebs will be tackling either a tango or a charleston. Should be a good week. Paul and Ola take their final dance, and much to Claudia's glee, she finally gets to step out with Tess, though there is no KEEEEP DANCING. I mourn its absence. The other contestants round on Paul and Ola to give them kisses and hugs, and then we're done. See you next week!
Monday, 11 October 2010
This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...
- Craig doesn't like judges' desk being used for choreography purposes, especially when it means he has to move his notepad.
- Artem quite likes taking his shirt off.
- It's very difficult to determine who has the filthiest laugh out of Pamela and Claudia.
- A good choreographer isn't afraid to take risks. Then again...
- Ann collects teddy bears.
- Erin doesn't cry.
- Ola pronounces "smaller" to rhyme with her own name. (Note to Bruce: not "smoe-ler".)
- Paul films Ola dancing. LET'S JUST LEAVE IT THERE.
- The spin turns in a quickstep are designed specifically for the corner of the room.
- Artem would like to be able to make people feel better just by touching them. HURR HURR HURR.
- Patsy's reaction to being declared safe in the first elimination is Claudia's favourite response ever.
- Two separate couture houses are needed to make all the dresses for the show as too many are needed for them to be made in-house.
- 1.5 million individual crystals will be used on the dresses this year.
- Gavin made Katya cry four times this week.
- Ann and Anton's salsa went wrong. SHOCKER.
- Artem quite likes taking his shirt off.
- It's very difficult to determine who has the filthiest laugh out of Pamela and Claudia.
- A good choreographer isn't afraid to take risks. Then again...
- Ann collects teddy bears.
- Erin doesn't cry.
- Ola pronounces "smaller" to rhyme with her own name. (Note to Bruce: not "smoe-ler".)
- Paul films Ola dancing. LET'S JUST LEAVE IT THERE.
- The spin turns in a quickstep are designed specifically for the corner of the room.
- Artem would like to be able to make people feel better just by touching them. HURR HURR HURR.
- Patsy's reaction to being declared safe in the first elimination is Claudia's favourite response ever.
- Two separate couture houses are needed to make all the dresses for the show as too many are needed for them to be made in-house.
- 1.5 million individual crystals will be used on the dresses this year.
- Gavin made Katya cry four times this week.
- Ann and Anton's salsa went wrong. SHOCKER.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Golden handshake
Final 14 (again)
Tx: 9th October 2010
Last week, the ballroom burst into action, and so did the judges, but Widdy struck back and Scott and his orangeness tore up the rulebook! Tonight the celebs fight for their right to PAAAAAAAAAAARTAY with a foxtrot or a salsa!
Come on, let's get on with it! We welcome Tess and Bruce. Tess is in a grey silk curtain that ends just above her knee, so when Bruce takes her into their dreadful "dance" skit, she flashes her knickers. Stay classy, show! It is as always nice to see us, to see us nice. Bruce then makes a terrible gag about Kara Tointon being a Brucie Bonus. Yawn. Tess assures us we will have a Ballroom Battle, and Bruce reminds us that one celebrity must leave the competition this week. Who will it be?
We meet the stars of our show - the same ones from last week, obviously. Bruce says Matt Baker makes him feel younger, Tina O'Brien makes him wish he was younger (ew) and Paul Daniels makes him look younger. Shut up, Bruce. Tess reminds us there is no dance-off this year. So - basically this is just Dancing with the Stars now. (Spoiler alert: there'll even be a fucking park bench later tonight.) [Cheer up - at least we haven't got Derek Hough. Or Mark Ballas. Or Maks. God, the male pros on DWTS are vile. - Steve]
Last week Matt and Aliona were top, and that pleases them. Matt films a segment for Countryfile about pumpkins. They dance on the pumpkin farm. "That's the only time we've got! We have no option!" Matt lies. He says that his gymnastics might be an advantage if he ever got to practise. So he's not a ringer, right? Everyone got that? [Hang on...just...writing...that...down... - Steve] Anyway, they foxtrot to music which has an odd speed change halfway through. Sometimes Matt's face looks really strained, and sometimes this feels like a tango. Still, what do I know? And I don't like the bit at the end where they throw themselves to the floor and roll around. Ew. Do not want.
Oh, hello Dave Arch and your wonderful orchestra, but your shitty singers! Bruce thanks Aliona for her cupcakes (fnar). Len says that Matt is getting on his wick by being too good, though the heel-leads were too exaggerated. Alesha enjoyed the tango-twist (available in all good supermarkets). Bruno talks about passion and gets himself over-excited. Craig thought the gymnastics bit at the end was too aggressive and the heel-leads were ludicrous. Bruce interrupts at this point to say he forgot to welcome the judges and recites a terrible list of gags. Oh, Bruce. Matt says the week has been a road-trip (not a JOURNEY?) and thanks Aliona for being a brilliant teacher. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 31.
Bruce introduces Peter Shilton and Erin Boag, with the inevitable Maradona reference, which then goes entirely weird - "[Maradona]'s playing cricket now. But not for the England team." What does that even mean? In VT, Peter thinks he can do better than last week and get more showbizzy. In rehearsal he stands in front of the mirror and tries to gyrate his hips. It's embarrassing. Erin keeps urging him on: "Give it all you've got!" Erin says that if he goes out and sells it, he won't look stupid. That's...not the most ringing endorsement I've ever heard.
Peter has a glitter football picked out on the seat of his trousers. Because he was a footballer. In case you had forgotten. He's always looking at Erin for reassurance but goes wrong a lot. Poor Erin is dancing round him in an Ola-esque fashion, and he keeps brandishing his arms as best he can. Len says there was fun and chemistry and some of what Peter did was very rhythmic, but he got his knickers in a twist at the end. Alesha does not think Latin is Peter's strong point, because older men are bad at Latin as well as older ladies. Bruno says he is unsure whether it was a good idea to attract attention to Peter's bum, because it never got going, and that Peter looked like he had cramps. Craig says that some of the step-togethers were deliberate and childlike, and the walk - "the knicker-twist thing" - looked like he had broken his ankle. Don't worry, Peter, you get to talk to Tess now! Tess says Peter looked like he was enjoying himself and then beseeches the other contestants to cheer him before drawing attention to his spray-tan. Peter hopes it will not be his last spray-tan. Scores - Craig 3, Len 5, Alesha 5 and Bruno 4 for a meagre total of 17.
Tina and Jared next. In his ballroom outfit, Jared looks oddly like a young Anton du Beke. Tina says that last week Bruno was right with all his critical comments. I'm sure he's thrilled that you agree with him. Jared says that foxtrot is one of the most DIFFICULT DANCES. Tina moans that she will probably only get 1s. So in a not-scripted-at-all interlude, which Tina delivers like she's still in Coronation Street, the young'uns go off to a 1940s night to practise their foxtrot. They still look like little animated dancing dolls.
They dance to Sunny Side Of The Street. Tina seems to be trying to deliver some ACTING to us, but mostly she looks terrified. Bruce calls them a lovely team. Because they both look 12. Alesha says it was graceful and elegant and better than last week, and that they're 90 per cent there. Bruno says Tina looks like a little princess, but also she's trying so hard to get her frame right sometimes she looks like she has a neck brace on. Craig criticises the timing and the height of the hold - and then Bruce interrupts him, while Craig is admirably restrained - but says there is still much to like. Helen Worth, sitting in the audience, looks happy. Len thought as a performance it was good, but thinks Tina should work on her frame and posture. Tina confirms to Tess that she was trying to ACT in the routine but is unsure whether she was convincing. You weren't, love. Scores - sixes from Craig and Len, sevens from Alesha and Bruno, for a total of 26.
Patsy Kensit and Robin to dance next. She looks stunning. Bruce makes a joke about going into Patsy's dressing-room naked. Seriously, is it time for him to retire yet? For those of you who, like me, are struggling to put up with him, just remind yourselves that we've only got him on the Saturday shows this year. Last week, Patsy thought she looked like a sack of potatoes, and Bruno screeched at Patsy to enjoy the experience more. In rehearsal, Robin looks adorably camp in a variety of vests. Patsy left Holby this week so they had to work around both her filming schedule and her crying with nostalgia schedule. She says she's had the best four years of her life on Holby [except, presumably, the last one, which she basically said last week was crap on a stick - Steve] but now she will throw herself into Strictly. As from next week, one presumes, as she admits they've only had three hours of practice this week. Ouch.
They're dancing to Canned Heat (imagine what the singers are doing to this) and Patsy does at least look like she's enjoying it a bit more though her footwork is a bit laboured and not sharp enough for Latin. She's strutting round the floor, draping herself over the judges' desk and giving it a lot of sultry eyes and hard-swishing like Cat Deeley in that really annoying Pantene ad, and she and Robin do seem to have a bit of chemistry. Bruno screams at her again, but this time in a positive manner, calling her a killer Jezebel and worrying about Len fainting, and Craig adds, "I have got to agree, but with not so much ENTHUSIASM." Then everyone says "disaaaaaaaster" for a bit, before Craig adds that he thought the "desk moment" was unnecessary. Len worries about having his eye poked out by Patsy's desk antics. Alesha says Patsy attacked the dance and is a different woman. "You're a different woman, and you're still the same man!" concludes Bruce as he dismisses Patsy and Robin from his presence.
Tess tells Patsy that she is REPRESENTING for the women. Patsy is about to cry again as she says that Robin and the show are changing her life. Tess reminds us that these two had the least amount of training this week. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 (with increasing pitch on the "UNNNN" sound of "SEVUNNNN!", obviously).
This week, Paul and the lovely Debbie McGee renewed their wedding vows. And they danced for the first time since their actual wedding. No mention of either Paul's first wife or his son and fellow 80s TV magician Martin Daniels. Do they still exist? He says he is now brave enough to go on any dance floor. Ola shouts at him a lot, but then adds that she wants him to be "fun and cheeky", before Paul talks to the camera about wanting to have a good time and making the audience come along with him. Oh dear. Think we know where this is going to go. Ola then reveals that impressions are not one of her talents as she attempts to imitate Paul.
Paul begins the routine by shuffling through a pack of cards, then he throws them all in the air. He's still singing along to all the words, by the way. It's a tolerable foxtrot, though a little weird when Ola is looking so fabulous and acting out the routine and Paul has a concentrating look on his face and mouthing all the words. But there's no magic. Disappointing.
Paul puts in earplugs before the judges begin. Alesha cackles. Bruno says some sections at the start were not bad - "why can't you do it properly all the way through?" he asks. "Because I can't remember it!" replies Paul. Craig admires Paul's honesty, and notes the rise and fall at the beginning, bemoaning Paul looking at his feet too much, and concludes it is "so much better than last week". Len says it had an appealing ease about it "though a tad pedestrian here and there" and there was an improvement. Ola beams, "There you go, you see!" to her partner. Alesha says, "Ola, I think you did a really good job!" and says that there is more to come from Paul. Tess asks if Paul enjoyed it, and he is unsurprisingly non-committal. She then asks about his honeymoon, and Paul points out that he spent it with Ola, who mouths at the camera, "I'm sorry." I love Ola. The scores - Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 5 for a total of 21.
Scott Maslen and Natalie to dance next. This week, Scott is telling us about his nan WHO IS DEAD. She died a year ago but before she died she did ballroom-dancing and loved to watch Strictly. See, everyone knows that nobody's nans will ever be as good as Alesha's, so they have to wheel out dead ones now. This week, Scott's grandad comes to watch them train, and dances with Natalie - "not bad for an old'un, eh?" he asks. Scott says that everything he does from now on will be in tribute to his grandparents.
OH MY GOODNESS THEY'RE DOING A FOOTLOOSE TRIBUTE! They're salsaing to Let's Hear It For The Boy. Scott does some Kevin Bacon leaps. All the elements are there, but I'm not really sure the costumes work. Len says it was a really good salsa. Alesha says Scott is equally good in the Latin as he is in the ballroom. Bruno miaows at Scott and talks about Footloose and getting one's prey - "after this you're going to get plenty." Craig interjects, "Talk of getting it from Bruno does put me off SLIGHTLY." Scott says the key to success is to trust Natalie. Too right. Else she'd slice you up and eat you. Scores - all 8s.
Michelle Williams and Brendan next. Bruce talks about Michelle's bottom. Michelle says she knew Strictly would be tough, but didn't know to what magnitude. She then glowers about Craig's criticism and the judges not liking her very much, and then whines about being homesick. Oh, Michelle. Have you not seen British reality television before? This is not the way to garner sympathy. Brendan wonders if Michelle is homesick. As if by magic, Michelle confirms that she is indeed homesick. Anyway, then Kelly Rowland turns up and there is much screeching and hugging as Brendan looks on benignly.
They foxtrot to It Had To Be You. There is a park bench. Brendan slides down the banisters. So...this is ACTUALLY Dancing With The Stars now. Michelle does some nauseating "shy" acting. She does have a good ballroom face on, though, with a lovely smile. Alesha says that it is nice to see Michelle in a ballroom gown and she should work on her balance. Bruno says it was beautiful and elegant but there was a little slip, and then gives Michelle advice about her shoulders - "I know we're picky but we have to point these things out." Brendan then gets snippy. Craig lists all the flaws then adds, "I can see you're applying yourself and putting in a lot of hard work and effort." This is met with great applause. Len says he liked the bench. LEN. WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU? Is a park bench not messing abaaaaaaaaaht? I do believe it is. What's happened to this show? Tess tells Michelle that she has a Strictly family and lots of friends in the audience. Everyone applauds. Michelle thanks everyone for their love and says she is not ready to go home - "my visa doesn't expire for a long time!" Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 6. Brendan whinges. Shut up, Brendan.
Bruce says that Goldie has been playing loud music and because he is old and deaf he didn't hear it. Is that meant to be a joke? Goldie and Kristina had too many 80s moves last week, when his mum was in the audience. Goldie was embarrassed because of his "old dear" watching him perform with two left feet. She calls him Clifford. Hahaha! In rehearsal Goldie crosses his eyes at the camera, saying that he feels like a dodo. Kristina is disappointed - she wants a panther. "I want my fun, happy Goldie back! I LIKE him!" says Kristina. Goldie, in a golden hat and waistcoat, of course, is not good at leading the foxtrot, with some gapping between the two of them, and he seems to be bouncing a lot. Kristina's dress seems to be broken before they start dancing, with one of the chain-straps across the back flinging about all over the place. Goldie's mouth is hanging open. Not sure whether that is supposed to be acting or not. They do, however, make it through the routine, and there is a foxtrot flavour to the top and bottom of the dance. Bruno agrees - he liked the beginning and the end, with its free, jazzy feel, criticising "the middle bit", which was like a banana skin. Craig says that Bruno is exaggerating (surely not) - Goldie's weight was too far back when he took his heel-leads, but he enjoyed the interpretation. Alesha says "we" notice the work he's put in, unlike the retards who just WATCH the show. Len says it was more brassy than golden, but it was a far superior performance to last week, and is pleased that Goldie is trying to get the technique right, because apparently some of THESE OTHER COUPLES don't EVEN bother with that. Bruce says people who dance with Kristina are bound to be motivated. Yes, whatever, Bruce. Goldie says he has his mojo back. Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 6 for a total of 26.
Pamela and James next. Tess says that last week "the doctor got temperatures rising"; backstage Pamela said "I'm in la-la land, and for a psychologist that's really scary." Ah, in-jokes. That'd go down a storm at the British Psychologists' Association Christmas dinner, wouldn't it? In rehearsal they argue about whether or not James is in charge or not; he says he has to be in control if you want to get the best out of him. Pamela says not - if you let someone be in control, then you are really the one with the power. And the DOCTOR is ALWAYS in control. Hey, is Pamela a doctor?
There's a HIDEOUS bit of business at the start of the routine where Pamela's in a lab coat and pretending to be a doctor, while James lies on the judges' table. She strips it off and starts to salsa. This is, as James said on Twitter, a technically complicated routine, but it doesn't feel quite energetic or fast enough for me, but the cameras are moving around so madly you can't really tell. Then Pamela starts skipping around for a bar and looks a bit like Violet Elizabeth Bott with her ringlets bouncing. There's a bit of a stumble but it all seems to finish in the right place. Pamela tells Bruce that Billy is not around at the moment; he says he'll send him a DVD. Craig says, "Daaaahling, you went off like a firecracker!" Len was impressed with Pamela's confidence, and the diversity of styles Pamela has coped with. Yeah, all two of them. Alesha says that she loves Pamela, and the routine was sexy and controlled. Bruno says it is the best salsa of the night, with a combination of rhythm and fluidity. Well, SO FAR, Bruno, but Widdecombe has to dance yet. Tess calls Pamela a firecracker again. Pamela says the salsa is good if you have hot flushes. What the actual fuck? Can we please stop pretending she's a medical doctor? Scores - 8s across the board. Pamela and James are very happy. He was concerned that she might leave the studio at one point (through enthusiasm, presumably, rather than fed-upness).
Felicity Kendal and Vincent to dance next. Bruce says his favourite episode of The Good Life was the one with the goat and then makes an appalling joke not worth recapping. Felicity doesn't care about being criticised; "How can I not be criticised? I'm not a dancer," she says. "I'm pretty chuffed not to be booed." In rehearsal she keeps wailing about forgetting things -"Oh baby, I forgot that one, I'm so sorry!" she exclaims. "I'm Vincent, you are Felicity," Vincent reminds her. She threatens to kill Vincent and then to kick him in the shins, which would seem a bit over-the-top. Vincent deadpans that he hopes she remembers to turn up.
They foxtrot to Somethin' Stupid. Felicity seems to be dressed as an Edwardian schoolma'am who's forgotten her ruffly shirt. Her hair looks pretty though. When she's doing the Acting part of the routine she is happy, but she doesn't seem secure in the routine, which is gentle and looks serene. Len says everything is OK but needs to improve - her posture, footwork and movement all need some work. Alesha is underwhelmed because she thinks Felicity is a capable dancer. Bruno says it was classy and unhurried, but a bit stately at times. Craig says he liked the foxtrot/tango-ness of it, and would like smoother transitions - other than that, well done. Felicity agrees she can improve. Good, we're glad we're all agreed on that. Felicity tells Tess that remembering lines is much easier than remembering dance routines. Vincent says he will bring the rehearsal tapes next week so everyone can see that she's better in practice. Scores - Craig 6, Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Tess and Vincent urge all Felicity's friends to vote for her. Felicity says she has no friends left to vote for her because they are all dead. HAHAHA, Daly! {I heart Felicity. - Steve] Felicity Kendal will not bend to your patronising interviewing tactics!
The Widdecombe-Anton salsa! Ann was delighted for the response she got last week and also because she didn't forget the steps or kick Anton. We are reminded of Bruno's bizarre "Ark Royal" reference. In rehearsal they work on their salsa that "Queen Victoria could have watched without blushing" - "you can turn it into a jolly hockey-sticks ROMP!" Ann says that when she does a backbend she looks like a sack of potatoes. Anton is excited. Ann says she cannot force people to like her salsa. Fair enough.
Anton leaps off the stage and rips his shirt open. Brilliantly, there then follows a bit of trademark Anton comedy Latin choreography that actually works - Ann does his buttons up. Ann's clearly struggling with this entire thing, which is simple and clumpily danced, but Anton is talking to her throughout, and she is at least endeavouring to put some personality into it. There's a dreadful lift-spin in there too. At the end, she goes to the top of the stairs alone while there's about eight bars to go, and looks thoroughly angry as Anton continues to dance - from her taking Anton to task after the routine, it seems that genuinely thought she should have been standing there because it was the end. Anton, to his credit, tries to calm her down.
"The House of Commons was never like that!" says Bruce. Ann says she nearly did the splits at the end, by accident. Alesha says it was entertaining, though it wasn't a salsa, but she enjoyed it. Bruno says he doesn't know what was more bewildering - Anton's chest wig or Ann's footwork. It resembled a dance, but he doesn't know what to say. Well, hooray! Ann then mocks Craig - "Oh, don't bother! You haven't got a zero, so you might as well just give us 1 and have done with it" - and he starts to laugh before saying: "There is not one word in the English language, my darling, that can describe what 10m people have just witnessed. (lengthy pause) Len?" he implores. Len comes to his rescue: "That was a salsa the likes of which we shall never see again." True that. "It's all over!" says Tess excitedly. "If I wanted to argue, I'd have stayed in the House of Commons," notes Ann. She is pleased that she made Craig smile. Scores - Craig 1 (for some reason Ann looks outraged at this), Len 4, Alesha 4 and Bruno 3 - for a total of 12. So we have our bottom line, as one of the Guardian commenters pointed out on Saturday. If you just turn up, Len will give you 4 out of 10.
Kara and Artem (rawr) next. She was excited last week, and thought she'd be OK as long as she didn't fall over, noting that her slip last week was "possibly the worst thing that has ever happened". Really, really not, Kara. Perspective, please. [Quite. Tom Chambers winning was the worst thing that has ever happened. - Steve] She says she does not want to be the girl who keeps tripping over, "so this week it's about staying up." Fair enough. In rehearsal, Artem keeps unbuttoning his shirt. It is nice. He tells her to stand there and look pretty. Not sure that is good advice. Kara has no problem dancing with Artem because he is gorgeous. He concludes that nothing will go wrong because she has a partner from Moscow (what?) and it will be all right on the night.
Seriously, they have a chair and table on the floor now as if the ballroom is a bar. Enough with the bloody gimmicks, please. If the next step is bringing sodding Carrie Ann Inaba over as guest judge and replacing Tess with bloody Brooke Burke and her waxworkian dialogue, I will be staging a protest on TV Centre. Anyway, they foxtrot to From Russia With Love (do you see? do you see what they did there?). She's another one with a good ballroom face. Also, have not noticed anyone calling her a ringer despite her winning Sport Relief's Strictly thing a few years ago. {In fairness, she was taught to dance by Mark Ramprakash for that. I'm not entirely convinced that wasn't more of a hindrance than a help. - Steve] Bruno growls that the chemistry between them could power a nuclear power station - "whatever you're doing, keep doing it - it's working." Craig thinks they danced it well but Kara needs to sort her top line out. Len begins to stare and proclaim into the camera as if he's doing a public service announcement to his adoring people. He then says, "You did a heel turn!" and there's absolute silence in the ballroom, as if people aren't sure whether that's a good thing or not. Morons. Alesha calls Kara "a fine dancer". Kara says she is chuffed - "we didn't go down". And then everyone cackles. She blushes, and adds, "Every week I say something wrong." Everyone laughs some more. Oh, bless her little heart. [I actually love Kara. I can't wait to see what she says next week. - Steve] Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 8. Joint top!
Gavin and Katya next. Bruce says that Gavin is famous for shaving his legs, and when Bruce was in panto he too shaved his legs because it made him easier to get his tights on. He utterly cocks up the delivery, though, and repeats the line. Oh, Bruce. Tess does relatively funny occupation-related puns. In rehearsal Gavin rehearses with no shirt on and talks about how much he loves himself and how vain he is, and then reminds us that he is single and "in the shop window", with a little grimace. "My hair is quite key to me," he admits. Is he joking, or is he genuinely that shallow? "I hate the salsa," he says. "I feel like such a loser." The plan is to take Gavin's clothes off to distract people from his dancing. "Maybe his looks are a bit of a weapon," says Katya. "I think this is the first time I am finding you attractive," she concludes.
Why is everyone adding tango to all their routines tonight? This is some kind of weird futuristic thing like that bloody awful routine The Situation did on Dancing with the Stars last week. Gavin and Katya are far too serious until they get about a third into their dance. Katya seems to trip over Gavin's foot at one point. Gavin then can't remember what he's supposed to be doing. Katya rips his shirt open, which is very nice and all that, but it doesn't make the dance any better.
Timing, rhythm and hips were all bad, according to Craig, though if we were voting on abs Gavin would win. Well, I think Erin would give him a run for his money. Len would like Gavin to show a bit of decorum - "you don't see me exposing myself during the show." Bruno screeches at him and then apologises. Len says that everyone's expectations were very high from last week. Katya tells Len that Gavin is very shy so it took a lot for him to do that dance. Everyone whoops and Bruce concludes that it was very well said. Alesha says she was disappointed and the muscles didn't distract her. Pfft. Somewhere Arlene Phillips is watching the telly and shouting, "YOU STUPID COW!" Bruno says that someone as good-looking as Gavin shouldn't be so self-conscious. Right, because good looks are directly correlated to self-confidence. Gavin, when pressed by Tess, says, "Well, I probably looked good." Heh. Tess thanks Gavin and his six-pack on behalf of women across the nation. Scores - Craig 3 ("What?!" shouts Katya), Len 6 and 5s from Alesha and Bruno. Tess says that Wales needs to vote for Gavin. Gavin looks a bit sad and says, "Oh. I love it here. I want to stay. I hope I get better." Oh, show, see what you're doing, you're making me feel sorry for Gavin HENSON. [I'm actually starting to love him a little bit. He's such a woobie. I'm ashamed that I'm falling for it. - Steve]
All this week, Jimi and Flavia haven't managed to do anything entertaining enough for Bruce to cobble together a dreadful joke. Imagine how dull your week must be if Bruce can't find any comedy material in it. In rehearsal, Jimi and Flavia laugh their way through their foxtrot practice. Jimi thinks Craig was a "bit tight" on him. "It's very strange, I've found the foxtrot hilarious," says Jimi. And so Flavia starts to beat him with a cane. I think we are now seeing why Bruce didn't manage to find any useful pre-watershed jokes there.
They dance to Fever, and Jimi never seems sure about whether he should be smiling or not. It's sleek and dramatic, though they take AGES to get into hold. Len complains about the MESSING ABAAAAAHT on stage at the start, despite the fact that it did not HAVE A PARK BENCH OR A CHAIR AND TABLES OR MAGIC TRICKS, all of which has been fine for the rest of the evening. Alesha loved Jimi's acting throughout the routine. Bruno notes the twinkle in Jimi's eye, and thought Jimi was going to strip, for some reason. Craig adored the dramatic intensity and liked that Jimi was leading Flavia - "unusual for this stage of the competition" - as well as his musicality. Why has nobody told us that it is HARD for CELEBRITY MEN to LEAD? "I can't believe it!" beams Jimi. Tess quickly points out that it's a "Hollywood smile", lest we forget that he is a genuine MOVIE STAR. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Flavia goes a bit crazy.
So with votes from last week and this combined, Pamela and James are top, with Ann and Anton at the bottom. Tess witters on about the rules and regulations governing the judges' marks in the event of a tie, for they fear another Chambers-gate. As do I, but for different reasons. And the lines are now open! VOTE! Who are you voting for?
Results show
This really is the most pointless half-hour ever. There is actually no new content, and the one bright side is the addition of Claudia and the loss of Bruce (HOORAY!). Despite that, we've made a commitment to recap this series, so onward we go...
Tess welcomes us, as per usual, and she's all by herself in the ballroom. She reminds us what happened last night and says that later on we will lose one couple - there'll be no dance-off, and no decision for the judges. She introduces Claudia and there is some dreadful editing where it seems there's a lot of cheering for our new presenter and it's cut down so as not to humiliate everyone else. She throws to a VT about the Strictly story so far. Seriously. The SERIES SO FAR. I'm not recapping this. It's risible. And FIVE MINUTES LONG.
After all that, it's finally time for some results. Who will be back next week? Tess will tell us...safe couples include Patsy and Robin; Michelle and Brendan; Pamela and James; Jimi and Flavia; but Peter and Erin are IN JEOPARDY, IN JEOPARDY - THEY ARE IN JEOPARDY, as Brooke Burke might say. Bruno wheels out the first "the standard is so high!" mentalness of the series. He also says "differentiate" in a really cute way. Len is pleased to see Patsy safe after her nervous waltz and hopes she really goes for it in the future.
Some of the couples next week will be dancing a quickstep, and that means it's time to wheel out the Strictly show-dancers to show them how it's done. No Lilia. No Cutler (though there is some Ian). Who cares? (Also, there are some samba rolls in there, which is weird.)
Claudia talks to Peter and Erin and does actually manage to make herself sound sympathetic, which is more than Tess has done ever. Peter makes the classic sportsman's error of thinking that the more you train, the better you get and the more you will be rewarded. Tess announces some more couples who are safe - Tina and Jared; Scott and Natalie; Gavin and Katya; and Matt and Aliona. Craig tells Gavin that he needs to get rid of his inhibitions about Latin, but failing that he can always take his shirt off. Tess is very excited about this. Alesha will be sad if the show loses a great dancer when there's no dance-off, but "this is the public's show, they should have the final say, not us." Oh Alesha. Talk about a rod for your own OMG I H8 ALEESHA WHERE IS ARLENE? back.
Claudia cheers all the safe couples backstage. Pamela is excited; Tina is happy. And now we must sit through ROBBIE WILLIAMS SINGING ROCK DJ because he is CAUGHT IN A TIMEWARP. You know what this song is like. You don't ever need to hear it again. That's exactly how I feel now. He dances around on a podium. It is not pretty. [Also considering that they recorded this when he was in last week, it saddens me deeply that what we saw was the most broadcastable take. - Steve]
Then it's time for another VT, more suited to ITT, where the celebrities talk about how much they love Strictly and how they've contracted "the ballroom bug". After that, back to business - Tess announces more safe couples - Felicity and Vincent; Kara and Artem; Paul and Ola (much to their shared surprise, it seems). The other couple in the bottom two tonight...Goldie and Kristina, meaning that Ann and Anton are safe.
So it's Goldie and Kristina and Peter and Erin in the bottom two. Peter says he doesn't want to go out first because he's been knocked out of football competitions in the first round; Goldie doesn't want to go out because it'll disappoint his mum. Who will be the first to leave? It's the MOMENT OF TRUTH. And it's Goldie and Kristina to go out. Ah, Kristina, another series of epic fail for you.
There's a standing ovation in the studio for Goldie and Kristina. "It's all right," says Goldie. "I've had a great time, I'm super fit," and promises us he'll still have a "little jig". He thanks Kristina for being wonderful and is sorry that he couldn't do better for her. Aw. They take their place for the final dance, while Claudia thanks Tess for having her and reminds us about ITT...and then attempts to do the keeeeeeeeep dancing thing with Tess - "That's why I've come, Daly. That's WHY I'VE COME." I heart Claudia.
Join us again next week for a thankfully less elongated show...
Tx: 9th October 2010
Last week, the ballroom burst into action, and so did the judges, but Widdy struck back and Scott and his orangeness tore up the rulebook! Tonight the celebs fight for their right to PAAAAAAAAAAARTAY with a foxtrot or a salsa!
Come on, let's get on with it! We welcome Tess and Bruce. Tess is in a grey silk curtain that ends just above her knee, so when Bruce takes her into their dreadful "dance" skit, she flashes her knickers. Stay classy, show! It is as always nice to see us, to see us nice. Bruce then makes a terrible gag about Kara Tointon being a Brucie Bonus. Yawn. Tess assures us we will have a Ballroom Battle, and Bruce reminds us that one celebrity must leave the competition this week. Who will it be?
We meet the stars of our show - the same ones from last week, obviously. Bruce says Matt Baker makes him feel younger, Tina O'Brien makes him wish he was younger (ew) and Paul Daniels makes him look younger. Shut up, Bruce. Tess reminds us there is no dance-off this year. So - basically this is just Dancing with the Stars now. (Spoiler alert: there'll even be a fucking park bench later tonight.) [Cheer up - at least we haven't got Derek Hough. Or Mark Ballas. Or Maks. God, the male pros on DWTS are vile. - Steve]
Last week Matt and Aliona were top, and that pleases them. Matt films a segment for Countryfile about pumpkins. They dance on the pumpkin farm. "That's the only time we've got! We have no option!" Matt lies. He says that his gymnastics might be an advantage if he ever got to practise. So he's not a ringer, right? Everyone got that? [Hang on...just...writing...that...down... - Steve] Anyway, they foxtrot to music which has an odd speed change halfway through. Sometimes Matt's face looks really strained, and sometimes this feels like a tango. Still, what do I know? And I don't like the bit at the end where they throw themselves to the floor and roll around. Ew. Do not want.
Oh, hello Dave Arch and your wonderful orchestra, but your shitty singers! Bruce thanks Aliona for her cupcakes (fnar). Len says that Matt is getting on his wick by being too good, though the heel-leads were too exaggerated. Alesha enjoyed the tango-twist (available in all good supermarkets). Bruno talks about passion and gets himself over-excited. Craig thought the gymnastics bit at the end was too aggressive and the heel-leads were ludicrous. Bruce interrupts at this point to say he forgot to welcome the judges and recites a terrible list of gags. Oh, Bruce. Matt says the week has been a road-trip (not a JOURNEY?) and thanks Aliona for being a brilliant teacher. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 31.
Bruce introduces Peter Shilton and Erin Boag, with the inevitable Maradona reference, which then goes entirely weird - "[Maradona]'s playing cricket now. But not for the England team." What does that even mean? In VT, Peter thinks he can do better than last week and get more showbizzy. In rehearsal he stands in front of the mirror and tries to gyrate his hips. It's embarrassing. Erin keeps urging him on: "Give it all you've got!" Erin says that if he goes out and sells it, he won't look stupid. That's...not the most ringing endorsement I've ever heard.
Peter has a glitter football picked out on the seat of his trousers. Because he was a footballer. In case you had forgotten. He's always looking at Erin for reassurance but goes wrong a lot. Poor Erin is dancing round him in an Ola-esque fashion, and he keeps brandishing his arms as best he can. Len says there was fun and chemistry and some of what Peter did was very rhythmic, but he got his knickers in a twist at the end. Alesha does not think Latin is Peter's strong point, because older men are bad at Latin as well as older ladies. Bruno says he is unsure whether it was a good idea to attract attention to Peter's bum, because it never got going, and that Peter looked like he had cramps. Craig says that some of the step-togethers were deliberate and childlike, and the walk - "the knicker-twist thing" - looked like he had broken his ankle. Don't worry, Peter, you get to talk to Tess now! Tess says Peter looked like he was enjoying himself and then beseeches the other contestants to cheer him before drawing attention to his spray-tan. Peter hopes it will not be his last spray-tan. Scores - Craig 3, Len 5, Alesha 5 and Bruno 4 for a meagre total of 17.
Tina and Jared next. In his ballroom outfit, Jared looks oddly like a young Anton du Beke. Tina says that last week Bruno was right with all his critical comments. I'm sure he's thrilled that you agree with him. Jared says that foxtrot is one of the most DIFFICULT DANCES. Tina moans that she will probably only get 1s. So in a not-scripted-at-all interlude, which Tina delivers like she's still in Coronation Street, the young'uns go off to a 1940s night to practise their foxtrot. They still look like little animated dancing dolls.
They dance to Sunny Side Of The Street. Tina seems to be trying to deliver some ACTING to us, but mostly she looks terrified. Bruce calls them a lovely team. Because they both look 12. Alesha says it was graceful and elegant and better than last week, and that they're 90 per cent there. Bruno says Tina looks like a little princess, but also she's trying so hard to get her frame right sometimes she looks like she has a neck brace on. Craig criticises the timing and the height of the hold - and then Bruce interrupts him, while Craig is admirably restrained - but says there is still much to like. Helen Worth, sitting in the audience, looks happy. Len thought as a performance it was good, but thinks Tina should work on her frame and posture. Tina confirms to Tess that she was trying to ACT in the routine but is unsure whether she was convincing. You weren't, love. Scores - sixes from Craig and Len, sevens from Alesha and Bruno, for a total of 26.
Patsy Kensit and Robin to dance next. She looks stunning. Bruce makes a joke about going into Patsy's dressing-room naked. Seriously, is it time for him to retire yet? For those of you who, like me, are struggling to put up with him, just remind yourselves that we've only got him on the Saturday shows this year. Last week, Patsy thought she looked like a sack of potatoes, and Bruno screeched at Patsy to enjoy the experience more. In rehearsal, Robin looks adorably camp in a variety of vests. Patsy left Holby this week so they had to work around both her filming schedule and her crying with nostalgia schedule. She says she's had the best four years of her life on Holby [except, presumably, the last one, which she basically said last week was crap on a stick - Steve] but now she will throw herself into Strictly. As from next week, one presumes, as she admits they've only had three hours of practice this week. Ouch.
They're dancing to Canned Heat (imagine what the singers are doing to this) and Patsy does at least look like she's enjoying it a bit more though her footwork is a bit laboured and not sharp enough for Latin. She's strutting round the floor, draping herself over the judges' desk and giving it a lot of sultry eyes and hard-swishing like Cat Deeley in that really annoying Pantene ad, and she and Robin do seem to have a bit of chemistry. Bruno screams at her again, but this time in a positive manner, calling her a killer Jezebel and worrying about Len fainting, and Craig adds, "I have got to agree, but with not so much ENTHUSIASM." Then everyone says "disaaaaaaaster" for a bit, before Craig adds that he thought the "desk moment" was unnecessary. Len worries about having his eye poked out by Patsy's desk antics. Alesha says Patsy attacked the dance and is a different woman. "You're a different woman, and you're still the same man!" concludes Bruce as he dismisses Patsy and Robin from his presence.
Tess tells Patsy that she is REPRESENTING for the women. Patsy is about to cry again as she says that Robin and the show are changing her life. Tess reminds us that these two had the least amount of training this week. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 (with increasing pitch on the "UNNNN" sound of "SEVUNNNN!", obviously).
This week, Paul and the lovely Debbie McGee renewed their wedding vows. And they danced for the first time since their actual wedding. No mention of either Paul's first wife or his son and fellow 80s TV magician Martin Daniels. Do they still exist? He says he is now brave enough to go on any dance floor. Ola shouts at him a lot, but then adds that she wants him to be "fun and cheeky", before Paul talks to the camera about wanting to have a good time and making the audience come along with him. Oh dear. Think we know where this is going to go. Ola then reveals that impressions are not one of her talents as she attempts to imitate Paul.
Paul begins the routine by shuffling through a pack of cards, then he throws them all in the air. He's still singing along to all the words, by the way. It's a tolerable foxtrot, though a little weird when Ola is looking so fabulous and acting out the routine and Paul has a concentrating look on his face and mouthing all the words. But there's no magic. Disappointing.
Paul puts in earplugs before the judges begin. Alesha cackles. Bruno says some sections at the start were not bad - "why can't you do it properly all the way through?" he asks. "Because I can't remember it!" replies Paul. Craig admires Paul's honesty, and notes the rise and fall at the beginning, bemoaning Paul looking at his feet too much, and concludes it is "so much better than last week". Len says it had an appealing ease about it "though a tad pedestrian here and there" and there was an improvement. Ola beams, "There you go, you see!" to her partner. Alesha says, "Ola, I think you did a really good job!" and says that there is more to come from Paul. Tess asks if Paul enjoyed it, and he is unsurprisingly non-committal. She then asks about his honeymoon, and Paul points out that he spent it with Ola, who mouths at the camera, "I'm sorry." I love Ola. The scores - Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 5 for a total of 21.
Scott Maslen and Natalie to dance next. This week, Scott is telling us about his nan WHO IS DEAD. She died a year ago but before she died she did ballroom-dancing and loved to watch Strictly. See, everyone knows that nobody's nans will ever be as good as Alesha's, so they have to wheel out dead ones now. This week, Scott's grandad comes to watch them train, and dances with Natalie - "not bad for an old'un, eh?" he asks. Scott says that everything he does from now on will be in tribute to his grandparents.
OH MY GOODNESS THEY'RE DOING A FOOTLOOSE TRIBUTE! They're salsaing to Let's Hear It For The Boy. Scott does some Kevin Bacon leaps. All the elements are there, but I'm not really sure the costumes work. Len says it was a really good salsa. Alesha says Scott is equally good in the Latin as he is in the ballroom. Bruno miaows at Scott and talks about Footloose and getting one's prey - "after this you're going to get plenty." Craig interjects, "Talk of getting it from Bruno does put me off SLIGHTLY." Scott says the key to success is to trust Natalie. Too right. Else she'd slice you up and eat you. Scores - all 8s.
Michelle Williams and Brendan next. Bruce talks about Michelle's bottom. Michelle says she knew Strictly would be tough, but didn't know to what magnitude. She then glowers about Craig's criticism and the judges not liking her very much, and then whines about being homesick. Oh, Michelle. Have you not seen British reality television before? This is not the way to garner sympathy. Brendan wonders if Michelle is homesick. As if by magic, Michelle confirms that she is indeed homesick. Anyway, then Kelly Rowland turns up and there is much screeching and hugging as Brendan looks on benignly.
They foxtrot to It Had To Be You. There is a park bench. Brendan slides down the banisters. So...this is ACTUALLY Dancing With The Stars now. Michelle does some nauseating "shy" acting. She does have a good ballroom face on, though, with a lovely smile. Alesha says that it is nice to see Michelle in a ballroom gown and she should work on her balance. Bruno says it was beautiful and elegant but there was a little slip, and then gives Michelle advice about her shoulders - "I know we're picky but we have to point these things out." Brendan then gets snippy. Craig lists all the flaws then adds, "I can see you're applying yourself and putting in a lot of hard work and effort." This is met with great applause. Len says he liked the bench. LEN. WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU? Is a park bench not messing abaaaaaaaaaht? I do believe it is. What's happened to this show? Tess tells Michelle that she has a Strictly family and lots of friends in the audience. Everyone applauds. Michelle thanks everyone for their love and says she is not ready to go home - "my visa doesn't expire for a long time!" Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7, Bruno 6. Brendan whinges. Shut up, Brendan.
Bruce says that Goldie has been playing loud music and because he is old and deaf he didn't hear it. Is that meant to be a joke? Goldie and Kristina had too many 80s moves last week, when his mum was in the audience. Goldie was embarrassed because of his "old dear" watching him perform with two left feet. She calls him Clifford. Hahaha! In rehearsal Goldie crosses his eyes at the camera, saying that he feels like a dodo. Kristina is disappointed - she wants a panther. "I want my fun, happy Goldie back! I LIKE him!" says Kristina. Goldie, in a golden hat and waistcoat, of course, is not good at leading the foxtrot, with some gapping between the two of them, and he seems to be bouncing a lot. Kristina's dress seems to be broken before they start dancing, with one of the chain-straps across the back flinging about all over the place. Goldie's mouth is hanging open. Not sure whether that is supposed to be acting or not. They do, however, make it through the routine, and there is a foxtrot flavour to the top and bottom of the dance. Bruno agrees - he liked the beginning and the end, with its free, jazzy feel, criticising "the middle bit", which was like a banana skin. Craig says that Bruno is exaggerating (surely not) - Goldie's weight was too far back when he took his heel-leads, but he enjoyed the interpretation. Alesha says "we" notice the work he's put in, unlike the retards who just WATCH the show. Len says it was more brassy than golden, but it was a far superior performance to last week, and is pleased that Goldie is trying to get the technique right, because apparently some of THESE OTHER COUPLES don't EVEN bother with that. Bruce says people who dance with Kristina are bound to be motivated. Yes, whatever, Bruce. Goldie says he has his mojo back. Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 6 for a total of 26.
Pamela and James next. Tess says that last week "the doctor got temperatures rising"; backstage Pamela said "I'm in la-la land, and for a psychologist that's really scary." Ah, in-jokes. That'd go down a storm at the British Psychologists' Association Christmas dinner, wouldn't it? In rehearsal they argue about whether or not James is in charge or not; he says he has to be in control if you want to get the best out of him. Pamela says not - if you let someone be in control, then you are really the one with the power. And the DOCTOR is ALWAYS in control. Hey, is Pamela a doctor?
There's a HIDEOUS bit of business at the start of the routine where Pamela's in a lab coat and pretending to be a doctor, while James lies on the judges' table. She strips it off and starts to salsa. This is, as James said on Twitter, a technically complicated routine, but it doesn't feel quite energetic or fast enough for me, but the cameras are moving around so madly you can't really tell. Then Pamela starts skipping around for a bar and looks a bit like Violet Elizabeth Bott with her ringlets bouncing. There's a bit of a stumble but it all seems to finish in the right place. Pamela tells Bruce that Billy is not around at the moment; he says he'll send him a DVD. Craig says, "Daaaahling, you went off like a firecracker!" Len was impressed with Pamela's confidence, and the diversity of styles Pamela has coped with. Yeah, all two of them. Alesha says that she loves Pamela, and the routine was sexy and controlled. Bruno says it is the best salsa of the night, with a combination of rhythm and fluidity. Well, SO FAR, Bruno, but Widdecombe has to dance yet. Tess calls Pamela a firecracker again. Pamela says the salsa is good if you have hot flushes. What the actual fuck? Can we please stop pretending she's a medical doctor? Scores - 8s across the board. Pamela and James are very happy. He was concerned that she might leave the studio at one point (through enthusiasm, presumably, rather than fed-upness).
Felicity Kendal and Vincent to dance next. Bruce says his favourite episode of The Good Life was the one with the goat and then makes an appalling joke not worth recapping. Felicity doesn't care about being criticised; "How can I not be criticised? I'm not a dancer," she says. "I'm pretty chuffed not to be booed." In rehearsal she keeps wailing about forgetting things -"Oh baby, I forgot that one, I'm so sorry!" she exclaims. "I'm Vincent, you are Felicity," Vincent reminds her. She threatens to kill Vincent and then to kick him in the shins, which would seem a bit over-the-top. Vincent deadpans that he hopes she remembers to turn up.
They foxtrot to Somethin' Stupid. Felicity seems to be dressed as an Edwardian schoolma'am who's forgotten her ruffly shirt. Her hair looks pretty though. When she's doing the Acting part of the routine she is happy, but she doesn't seem secure in the routine, which is gentle and looks serene. Len says everything is OK but needs to improve - her posture, footwork and movement all need some work. Alesha is underwhelmed because she thinks Felicity is a capable dancer. Bruno says it was classy and unhurried, but a bit stately at times. Craig says he liked the foxtrot/tango-ness of it, and would like smoother transitions - other than that, well done. Felicity agrees she can improve. Good, we're glad we're all agreed on that. Felicity tells Tess that remembering lines is much easier than remembering dance routines. Vincent says he will bring the rehearsal tapes next week so everyone can see that she's better in practice. Scores - Craig 6, Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Tess and Vincent urge all Felicity's friends to vote for her. Felicity says she has no friends left to vote for her because they are all dead. HAHAHA, Daly! {I heart Felicity. - Steve] Felicity Kendal will not bend to your patronising interviewing tactics!
The Widdecombe-Anton salsa! Ann was delighted for the response she got last week and also because she didn't forget the steps or kick Anton. We are reminded of Bruno's bizarre "Ark Royal" reference. In rehearsal they work on their salsa that "Queen Victoria could have watched without blushing" - "you can turn it into a jolly hockey-sticks ROMP!" Ann says that when she does a backbend she looks like a sack of potatoes. Anton is excited. Ann says she cannot force people to like her salsa. Fair enough.
Anton leaps off the stage and rips his shirt open. Brilliantly, there then follows a bit of trademark Anton comedy Latin choreography that actually works - Ann does his buttons up. Ann's clearly struggling with this entire thing, which is simple and clumpily danced, but Anton is talking to her throughout, and she is at least endeavouring to put some personality into it. There's a dreadful lift-spin in there too. At the end, she goes to the top of the stairs alone while there's about eight bars to go, and looks thoroughly angry as Anton continues to dance - from her taking Anton to task after the routine, it seems that genuinely thought she should have been standing there because it was the end. Anton, to his credit, tries to calm her down.
"The House of Commons was never like that!" says Bruce. Ann says she nearly did the splits at the end, by accident. Alesha says it was entertaining, though it wasn't a salsa, but she enjoyed it. Bruno says he doesn't know what was more bewildering - Anton's chest wig or Ann's footwork. It resembled a dance, but he doesn't know what to say. Well, hooray! Ann then mocks Craig - "Oh, don't bother! You haven't got a zero, so you might as well just give us 1 and have done with it" - and he starts to laugh before saying: "There is not one word in the English language, my darling, that can describe what 10m people have just witnessed. (lengthy pause) Len?" he implores. Len comes to his rescue: "That was a salsa the likes of which we shall never see again." True that. "It's all over!" says Tess excitedly. "If I wanted to argue, I'd have stayed in the House of Commons," notes Ann. She is pleased that she made Craig smile. Scores - Craig 1 (for some reason Ann looks outraged at this), Len 4, Alesha 4 and Bruno 3 - for a total of 12. So we have our bottom line, as one of the Guardian commenters pointed out on Saturday. If you just turn up, Len will give you 4 out of 10.
Kara and Artem (rawr) next. She was excited last week, and thought she'd be OK as long as she didn't fall over, noting that her slip last week was "possibly the worst thing that has ever happened". Really, really not, Kara. Perspective, please. [Quite. Tom Chambers winning was the worst thing that has ever happened. - Steve] She says she does not want to be the girl who keeps tripping over, "so this week it's about staying up." Fair enough. In rehearsal, Artem keeps unbuttoning his shirt. It is nice. He tells her to stand there and look pretty. Not sure that is good advice. Kara has no problem dancing with Artem because he is gorgeous. He concludes that nothing will go wrong because she has a partner from Moscow (what?) and it will be all right on the night.
Seriously, they have a chair and table on the floor now as if the ballroom is a bar. Enough with the bloody gimmicks, please. If the next step is bringing sodding Carrie Ann Inaba over as guest judge and replacing Tess with bloody Brooke Burke and her waxworkian dialogue, I will be staging a protest on TV Centre. Anyway, they foxtrot to From Russia With Love (do you see? do you see what they did there?). She's another one with a good ballroom face. Also, have not noticed anyone calling her a ringer despite her winning Sport Relief's Strictly thing a few years ago. {In fairness, she was taught to dance by Mark Ramprakash for that. I'm not entirely convinced that wasn't more of a hindrance than a help. - Steve] Bruno growls that the chemistry between them could power a nuclear power station - "whatever you're doing, keep doing it - it's working." Craig thinks they danced it well but Kara needs to sort her top line out. Len begins to stare and proclaim into the camera as if he's doing a public service announcement to his adoring people. He then says, "You did a heel turn!" and there's absolute silence in the ballroom, as if people aren't sure whether that's a good thing or not. Morons. Alesha calls Kara "a fine dancer". Kara says she is chuffed - "we didn't go down". And then everyone cackles. She blushes, and adds, "Every week I say something wrong." Everyone laughs some more. Oh, bless her little heart. [I actually love Kara. I can't wait to see what she says next week. - Steve] Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 8. Joint top!
Gavin and Katya next. Bruce says that Gavin is famous for shaving his legs, and when Bruce was in panto he too shaved his legs because it made him easier to get his tights on. He utterly cocks up the delivery, though, and repeats the line. Oh, Bruce. Tess does relatively funny occupation-related puns. In rehearsal Gavin rehearses with no shirt on and talks about how much he loves himself and how vain he is, and then reminds us that he is single and "in the shop window", with a little grimace. "My hair is quite key to me," he admits. Is he joking, or is he genuinely that shallow? "I hate the salsa," he says. "I feel like such a loser." The plan is to take Gavin's clothes off to distract people from his dancing. "Maybe his looks are a bit of a weapon," says Katya. "I think this is the first time I am finding you attractive," she concludes.
Why is everyone adding tango to all their routines tonight? This is some kind of weird futuristic thing like that bloody awful routine The Situation did on Dancing with the Stars last week. Gavin and Katya are far too serious until they get about a third into their dance. Katya seems to trip over Gavin's foot at one point. Gavin then can't remember what he's supposed to be doing. Katya rips his shirt open, which is very nice and all that, but it doesn't make the dance any better.
Timing, rhythm and hips were all bad, according to Craig, though if we were voting on abs Gavin would win. Well, I think Erin would give him a run for his money. Len would like Gavin to show a bit of decorum - "you don't see me exposing myself during the show." Bruno screeches at him and then apologises. Len says that everyone's expectations were very high from last week. Katya tells Len that Gavin is very shy so it took a lot for him to do that dance. Everyone whoops and Bruce concludes that it was very well said. Alesha says she was disappointed and the muscles didn't distract her. Pfft. Somewhere Arlene Phillips is watching the telly and shouting, "YOU STUPID COW!" Bruno says that someone as good-looking as Gavin shouldn't be so self-conscious. Right, because good looks are directly correlated to self-confidence. Gavin, when pressed by Tess, says, "Well, I probably looked good." Heh. Tess thanks Gavin and his six-pack on behalf of women across the nation. Scores - Craig 3 ("What?!" shouts Katya), Len 6 and 5s from Alesha and Bruno. Tess says that Wales needs to vote for Gavin. Gavin looks a bit sad and says, "Oh. I love it here. I want to stay. I hope I get better." Oh, show, see what you're doing, you're making me feel sorry for Gavin HENSON. [I'm actually starting to love him a little bit. He's such a woobie. I'm ashamed that I'm falling for it. - Steve]
All this week, Jimi and Flavia haven't managed to do anything entertaining enough for Bruce to cobble together a dreadful joke. Imagine how dull your week must be if Bruce can't find any comedy material in it. In rehearsal, Jimi and Flavia laugh their way through their foxtrot practice. Jimi thinks Craig was a "bit tight" on him. "It's very strange, I've found the foxtrot hilarious," says Jimi. And so Flavia starts to beat him with a cane. I think we are now seeing why Bruce didn't manage to find any useful pre-watershed jokes there.
They dance to Fever, and Jimi never seems sure about whether he should be smiling or not. It's sleek and dramatic, though they take AGES to get into hold. Len complains about the MESSING ABAAAAAHT on stage at the start, despite the fact that it did not HAVE A PARK BENCH OR A CHAIR AND TABLES OR MAGIC TRICKS, all of which has been fine for the rest of the evening. Alesha loved Jimi's acting throughout the routine. Bruno notes the twinkle in Jimi's eye, and thought Jimi was going to strip, for some reason. Craig adored the dramatic intensity and liked that Jimi was leading Flavia - "unusual for this stage of the competition" - as well as his musicality. Why has nobody told us that it is HARD for CELEBRITY MEN to LEAD? "I can't believe it!" beams Jimi. Tess quickly points out that it's a "Hollywood smile", lest we forget that he is a genuine MOVIE STAR. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Flavia goes a bit crazy.
So with votes from last week and this combined, Pamela and James are top, with Ann and Anton at the bottom. Tess witters on about the rules and regulations governing the judges' marks in the event of a tie, for they fear another Chambers-gate. As do I, but for different reasons. And the lines are now open! VOTE! Who are you voting for?
Results show
This really is the most pointless half-hour ever. There is actually no new content, and the one bright side is the addition of Claudia and the loss of Bruce (HOORAY!). Despite that, we've made a commitment to recap this series, so onward we go...
Tess welcomes us, as per usual, and she's all by herself in the ballroom. She reminds us what happened last night and says that later on we will lose one couple - there'll be no dance-off, and no decision for the judges. She introduces Claudia and there is some dreadful editing where it seems there's a lot of cheering for our new presenter and it's cut down so as not to humiliate everyone else. She throws to a VT about the Strictly story so far. Seriously. The SERIES SO FAR. I'm not recapping this. It's risible. And FIVE MINUTES LONG.
After all that, it's finally time for some results. Who will be back next week? Tess will tell us...safe couples include Patsy and Robin; Michelle and Brendan; Pamela and James; Jimi and Flavia; but Peter and Erin are IN JEOPARDY, IN JEOPARDY - THEY ARE IN JEOPARDY, as Brooke Burke might say. Bruno wheels out the first "the standard is so high!" mentalness of the series. He also says "differentiate" in a really cute way. Len is pleased to see Patsy safe after her nervous waltz and hopes she really goes for it in the future.
Some of the couples next week will be dancing a quickstep, and that means it's time to wheel out the Strictly show-dancers to show them how it's done. No Lilia. No Cutler (though there is some Ian). Who cares? (Also, there are some samba rolls in there, which is weird.)
Claudia talks to Peter and Erin and does actually manage to make herself sound sympathetic, which is more than Tess has done ever. Peter makes the classic sportsman's error of thinking that the more you train, the better you get and the more you will be rewarded. Tess announces some more couples who are safe - Tina and Jared; Scott and Natalie; Gavin and Katya; and Matt and Aliona. Craig tells Gavin that he needs to get rid of his inhibitions about Latin, but failing that he can always take his shirt off. Tess is very excited about this. Alesha will be sad if the show loses a great dancer when there's no dance-off, but "this is the public's show, they should have the final say, not us." Oh Alesha. Talk about a rod for your own OMG I H8 ALEESHA WHERE IS ARLENE? back.
Claudia cheers all the safe couples backstage. Pamela is excited; Tina is happy. And now we must sit through ROBBIE WILLIAMS SINGING ROCK DJ because he is CAUGHT IN A TIMEWARP. You know what this song is like. You don't ever need to hear it again. That's exactly how I feel now. He dances around on a podium. It is not pretty. [Also considering that they recorded this when he was in last week, it saddens me deeply that what we saw was the most broadcastable take. - Steve]
Then it's time for another VT, more suited to ITT, where the celebrities talk about how much they love Strictly and how they've contracted "the ballroom bug". After that, back to business - Tess announces more safe couples - Felicity and Vincent; Kara and Artem; Paul and Ola (much to their shared surprise, it seems). The other couple in the bottom two tonight...Goldie and Kristina, meaning that Ann and Anton are safe.
So it's Goldie and Kristina and Peter and Erin in the bottom two. Peter says he doesn't want to go out first because he's been knocked out of football competitions in the first round; Goldie doesn't want to go out because it'll disappoint his mum. Who will be the first to leave? It's the MOMENT OF TRUTH. And it's Goldie and Kristina to go out. Ah, Kristina, another series of epic fail for you.
There's a standing ovation in the studio for Goldie and Kristina. "It's all right," says Goldie. "I've had a great time, I'm super fit," and promises us he'll still have a "little jig". He thanks Kristina for being wonderful and is sorry that he couldn't do better for her. Aw. They take their place for the final dance, while Claudia thanks Tess for having her and reminds us about ITT...and then attempts to do the keeeeeeeeep dancing thing with Tess - "That's why I've come, Daly. That's WHY I'VE COME." I heart Claudia.
Join us again next week for a thankfully less elongated show...
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...
- The secret to success is good dancing. Who knew?
- 'Armography' is a word.
- Craig always looks for the negative.
- Ann is planning to do things in the salsa that do not belong in the salsa.
- James brings out Pamela's inner cougar.
- Felicity says "taxi" rather than "cab".
- Matt and Aliona trained for their foxtrot at a pumpkin festival.
- Katya and Aliona favour bottom-smacking as a motivational technique.
- 'Dance psychology' is a thing. Apparently.
- The dancefloor is made out of 126 individual pieces.
- Claudia was at home eating stew during Friday's show.
- Michelle puts 12 sugars in her coffee. Suddenly everything makes sense.
- Felicity can't tell her left from her right.
- Flavia is overly fond of the word "chunks".
- Manchester is like a bigger London, according to Jared. Bless.
- Peter is the only contestant who actually enjoys watching the other couples dancing.
- Tina wants the Strictly costume department to design her wedding dress. I hope she's seen what they do to Tess every week.
- Louise Redknapp watched the opener twice.
- Vincent aspires to fall down the stairs.
- 'Armography' is a word.
- Craig always looks for the negative.
- Ann is planning to do things in the salsa that do not belong in the salsa.
- James brings out Pamela's inner cougar.
- Felicity says "taxi" rather than "cab".
- Matt and Aliona trained for their foxtrot at a pumpkin festival.
- Katya and Aliona favour bottom-smacking as a motivational technique.
- 'Dance psychology' is a thing. Apparently.
- The dancefloor is made out of 126 individual pieces.
- Claudia was at home eating stew during Friday's show.
- Michelle puts 12 sugars in her coffee. Suddenly everything makes sense.
- Felicity can't tell her left from her right.
- Flavia is overly fond of the word "chunks".
- Manchester is like a bigger London, according to Jared. Bless.
- Peter is the only contestant who actually enjoys watching the other couples dancing.
- Tina wants the Strictly costume department to design her wedding dress. I hope she's seen what they do to Tess every week.
- Louise Redknapp watched the opener twice.
- Vincent aspires to fall down the stairs.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Epic flail
Top 14, Part 2: 2nd October 2010
"Last night," intones Tess, "the ballroom opened its doors on Strictly 2010." What, all by itself? Is it some kind of sentient being with power over its own doors, like Halliwell Manor? Perhaps it was the spirit of Shannen Doherty doing it telekinetically after her hugely disappointing early ouster on season ten of Dancing With The Stars? Alternatively, perhaps it was just a bit of rhetoric. Seven couples took to the floor, and for some (Pamela and James, Matt and Aliona) it was a night to remember, while for others (Goldie and Kristina, Paul and Ola) it was one they'd sooner forget. To be honest, I sincerely doubt Paul Daniels was particularly embarrassed or particularly cares. And let's be honest, Felicity Kendal and Patsy Kensit belonged in that second montage too, but were omitted because everyone's still secretly too in awe of Felicity to admit that she was a bit rubbish, and Patsy's self-esteem is rather fragile as it is, and mocking her in the pre-titles sequence would probably just about finish her off, the poor lamb. Tonight, seven more stars get their turn on their floor, and there will be more drama (shot of Anton apparently pinching Ann Widdecombe under the arm), more divas (Michelle and Tina being loud), and even more ballroom dancing. Or, alternatively, there will be the same amount of ballroom dancing, because we will see seven routines, just like last night. This! Is Strictly Come Dancing 2010!
After the less-new-than-they-were-last-night titles, there is a Bruce, and there is a Tess. They do their usual skit, and Bruce grabs Tess's leg during her kick-up a little too high up the thigh, and has to move his hand further down. Although perhaps this as all orchestrated in light of her husband's antics for Tess to prove that SHE HAS OPPORTUNITIES TO PLAY AWAY AS WELL, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. Bruce puts Tess down, and now that we can see her outfit from the front, it's time for Daly Dresswatch: it's a purple number that hangs over her right shoulder but not her left, which somehow makes her tits look really lopsided. After last night's relative triumph, this return to the costuming wilderness reassures me greatly.
Bruce welcomes the "ladies, gentlemen and children" (though I'm guessing the third group will need to switch off before Kara Tointon's routine at the end of the show) as it is nice to see us, to see us nice. Bruce does a gag about his stint on Who Do You Think You Are? and the revelation that one of his ancestors had two wives, which culminates in a "four fathers/forefathers" gag that would've worked better if Bruce hadn't said "two fives" instead of "two wives". Perhaps his ancestor was hoping to trade them both in for a ten? [NOT IN THIS GAME! Oops, wrong show. - Carrie]
Tess reminds us that seven couples have already danced and can relax tonight, but the peril is just beginning for the remainder. It's time to meet the couples: Scott and Natalie, Tina and Jared, Peter and Erin, Jimi and Flavia, Paul and Ola, Patsy and Robin, Goldie and Kristina, Matt and Aliona, Kara and Artem (dressed for S&M, so their routine is clearly going to be AMAZING), Pamela and James, Felicity and Vincent, Michelle and Brendan, Ann and Anton, and Gavin and Katya. Gavin Henson Erectionwatch: nothing yet. Everyone claps. Michelle whoops. I love Michelle.
Bruce reminds us that no one is going home tonight, so all the contestants will be here for another week. "And you know what that means: we'll all get to see Ann Widdecombe do the Latin." And I suspect there will be declension involved. Tess explains that the judges will still be scoring and those scores will carry over to next week. Michelle is ignoring Tess and waving to a pal in the audience instead. Did I mention I love Michelle? Bruce teases that Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow will be here later for more tedious quasi-homoeroticism, and then it's time for our first couple, Jimi and Flavia.
Bruce appears to have developed a new catchphrase for this year, to be delivered following an awful joke. "I didn't want to do it, they made me do it!" It'll never stand up in court, Bruce. Although it is fractionally preferable to "I am not doddery, doddery I am not", I suppose. In his VT, Jimi talks about appearing in Big Hollywood Movies. The editors illustrate this by showing us shots of film posters on which neither his face nor his name appear. Jimi declares that people are very excited about Strictly, which makes it a very different ballgame from Big Hollywood Blockbusters. He reveals that the Strictly studio smells like "Deep Heat and hair gel." And that's just Tess. He thinks Flavia is amazing, which is good, because she is. Flavia tells us that she's very excited to be returning, and reminds us that she made the final in 2007, which is why she's had a haircut. No, seriously: she's recreated her successful 'do from the Matt Di Angelo years as if there were some kind of Samson-like curse standing in her way in the two series since then. Perhaps Craig Kelly is sitting at home going "oh, so that's why I had no rhythm!" We see them training, and Jimi is very sweaty. He wrings his t-shirt out in the rehearsal room. Lovely. Bet that was fun for the cleaners. He just hopes the sweat is worth it.
They are dancing to 'Don't Upset The Rhythm' by the Noisettes, and the good news is that Jimi's clearly got rhythm, which puts him ahead of Flavia's last two partners. I am concerned, however, that his limbs appear to be made of spaghetti - they're just so loose and floppy. He dances like I do, and that can't be good. I think that's something he can sort out with a bit of practice, though - it's a level of precision that I'm sure Flavia can teach him over the next couple of weeks, now that we know he's got the basic steps and timing down. And as always, I'm envious of Flavia's elasticity - if I were even half as bendy as she is, my daily yoga practice would be a lot easier. Sigh.
Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers and the wonderful orchestra, and apologises for his expletive-laden outburst at the judges last night. He claims to have found the word that describes their contribution perfectly: "adequate". Len opens up by saying "there was nothing 'adequate' about that cha cha cha", which gets cheers from the audience even though it could've been criticism just as easily as it could've been praise. He thinks that it was high energy and great rhythm, but Jimi needs to watch out for his heel leads and sort his knees out. Alesha tells Jimi that he performed with energy and enthusiasm, but it was a bit wobbly and he occasionally lost his timing, and she would've appreciated more sharpness in general, but overall it was fantastic for a first dance. Bruno thinks Jimi can sell a dance, but he went wrong in the mid-section, and his performance level didn't quite recover after that. Craig thought it was "like watching the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz", which gets booed, but Craig claims this just proves that Jimi has "great isolation technique". I'm not necessarily sure it was on purpose, though. Craig tells Jimi he needs more control and definition, and to point his feet properly. However, Craig liked the energy, so it wasn't all bad.
Flavia scampers off to the Tess Circle, pulling Jimi behind her as he waves to the crowd. Tess is surprised that Jimi didn't seem nervous, and he explains that he was just full of energy and really enjoyed it. He's annoyed that he messed up some of the steps. "I didn't see it," Flavia tells him, to which Jimi responds that the judges did. Heh. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. I think Alesha's been reviewing last night's tapes - or possibly looking on the internet - as it looks like she's going to be a bit more restrained in her scoring tonight. Jimi and Flavia are happy with that start, though.
Up next are Peter and Erin, both of whom are displaying rigid grins that do not reach their eyes. I make a mental note to e-mail Tyra Banks and ask her what the opposite of "smize" is. Peter reminds us that he has a record number of caps, much like Ant McPartlin used to have before he found a haircut that he liked. He thinks he's made some great saves in his career, but the one that people always remember is the "hand of God" Maradona goal that he let in. Already this is far too much sporting talk for my liking, though I'm sure Len is fapping away under the desk. Peter says that he's used to criticism as a goalkeeper, but he is only interested in constructive criticism. Erin says that she's the only professional female left from series one, and I do hope that she is including Tess in that. Peter is also sweating in training, and Erin explains the dance to him in goalkeeping terms. Peter says he can feel the dance moving up his body, but it is currently around his kneecaps. But does he have a record number of kneecaps?
They're waltzing to 'Take It To The Limit' by the Eagles, and Peter is clearly not one of life's natural dancers, but he's giving it a good go. He has some decent signs of rise and fall, but the whole execution is rather tentative, and I can't help wondering if Erin is driving the whole thing from the back seat, as it were. It's not a bad attempt, but I think we're in for a treat next week when he has to salsa. Alesha tells him it was a bit of a rocky start, but he got through it, and while he has a lot of work to do, Erin is a fabulous teacher. Bruno is amused at how relieved Peter was at the end of it, and says that the routine was very wobbly, but now he knows what it's like, he can come back and do better at it. He found Peter's technique lacking, but is sure he can get better. Craig thinks it was cautious and careful and "a bit knobbly". He points out balance issues and the need to smooth out the rise and fall and the transitions, and it looked like Peter dropped Erin at the end rather than a deliberately choreographed move. "I've never dropped anything!" Peter heckles. Heh. Len says it wasn't quite premier league, but it was an "adequate" standard for week one. Is Len being paid per mention of the word "adequate" tonight? It lacked a bit of musicality, but Len thinks that was the nerves. He thinks Peter will grow in confidence now he's done it once.
Up in the Tess Circle, Peter admits to being "elated" that it's over. He said he lost it a couple of times, but the comments were fair and there is room for improvement. "It's a different ball game," he jokes. Erin is proud that he got through it. People keep saying that - were they expecting him to die or something? I mean, in seven series so far the only person who I can ever remember not actually managing to finish a routine was Matt Di Angelo, so I'm not sure that "getting through it" is really that difficult. Anyway, the scores are in: Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 21. Erin: "Not bad. That's room for improvement!" I love Erin. It is at this point that I spot Jared sitting behind Tess, wearing a pink shirt, geek glasses, a bow tie, and plaid trousers. The gimmicks are out in force this year, aren't they? Then again, it does kind of suit him. He makes a good Hollywood Nerd.
Michelle and Brendan are next. Michelle whoops it up for the cameras once again. Bruce claims that Michelle is the most famous and talented singer with the surname Williams - "sorry Robbie". While that may be true, it's a shame she's not even the most famous person called Michelle Williams. But I love her anyway. Despite what is about to happen. Michelle's intro music for her VT is the "Michelle, can you handle this? / I don't think you can handle it" refrain from 'Bootylicious', which seems to be a clever bit of foreshadowing now I've seen her dancing. Michelle explains that she's not a classically trained dancer: "give me a microphone and I will sing for the Queen over tea and biscuits, but if you ask me to dance, I'm like 'gimme a day or two, then I'll be right back.'" I cannot even describe how much I want Michelle to come and sing for me over tea and biscuits. Do I count as a queen? Wait, don't answer that. We see some clips of Michelle signing autographs on the red carpet at the launch and shimmying her hips like a good'un. I hope you spotted that, because it will be important later. Michelle says that she wants tens, and nothing less than an eight. Oh Michelle. This is your first reality show, right? That is not how you win over an audience. Well, except me. She's surprised that Brendan is the bad boy of ballroom just for standing up for his partners. Brendan insists that there's only one boss of the training room, and that's him. Michelle says that the pressure is on because people have been calling them "the ones to watch". Michelle's getting frustrated in training because she's not getting the hang of it, and she wants to meet people's expectations.
They're dancing their cha cha cha to Paloma Faith's 'Stone Cold Sober', and Michelle's top appears to have been made from the leftover wrappers in the Strictly costume department's annual festive tin of Cadbury's Roses. Michelle's dancing, while not quite as hideous as it looked to me on the first go-round, is still not good - her arms are very flyaway, her legs are too bent, and her hip action is non-existent. And this is the bit that amazes me, because of the aforementioned red carpet clip - clearly, she can move her hips, so why doesn't she? Pressure? Nerves? A problem following established choreography rather than just vamping whenever Beyoncé stood out of the way long enough to let her? There's one out of hold section where Michelle seems very flaily and lost, and I wonder if perhaps the tempo is a problem for her - she seems more able to keep it together when she's in hold, but I think she just kind of panicked with the speed at which she needed to move when Brendan wasn't there to physically guide her. Much like with Felicity yesterday, maybe I'm just making excuses because one of my early favourites has disappointed me, but it is quite hard to make sense of. However, I don't think she's a write-off just yet, I just think that - despite her outward whooping and insistence on getting tens - she's not actually that confident in her ability yet, and maybe needs a bit of nurturing. And besides, Lisa Snowdon's first Latin routine was abysmal, and look what happened there! (Okay, maybe that's not the best example.) Anyway, all of those people who seem to inexplicably believe that "professional singer" and "professional dancer" are the same thing and thus screamed "RINGER!" when Michelle was cast are probably feeling a bit silly now.
Brendan and Bruce have a bit of trouble getting Michelle onto her mark, and then Bruce makes it worse by saying "Michelle, come on home to Brucie!" and Michelle screams "YEAH BABY!" and strides over to him. I love her crazy ass, but I fear she is not winning herself much support with the voting public right now. Bruno thinks that Michelle's legs go on forever, but she looked like she was dancing on stilts, because she was rather unsteady and needs to control her arms and legs. She needs to work on her core strength and spotting. "Yes, sir," Michelle responds breathlessly. Craig says that her balance was off a lot and her knees were flexed throughout, and her hips are very stiff, and which point Michelle pretends to struggle away from Brendan as if to walk up and lamp him. Hee. Len says that it was a fatal combination: "long legs, short skirt, and bad technique" - Michelle needs to work on strength on her legs which will produce a better hip action. Alesha loves Michelle's life and energy, and while she needs to get herself under control (and how!), but credits her for performing her routine so energetically. Michelle, who hasn't quite got the hang of the format yet, takes this opportunity to respond about how you have to take the criticism and not let it get you down: "I wouldn't have gotten this far in life without that." Bruce is all "that's nice, dear, now go to the Tess Circle. Please?"
Up in the Tess Circle, Michelle says that this is very different from being in Destiny's Child, and she's going to go off and strengthen her legs. Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. So, not quite what she was hoping for. Michelle vows to go off and train until her legs are "as big and muscular as Gavin's". Heh.
Speaking of which, Gavin and Katya are next. And there's a joke that did make me chuckle, so I'll break habit for once and transcribe it. "Gavin shaves his legs every day. He was telling me earlier, 'it's such a chore to keep up. Have you any idea what it's like to shave an area this big?' I said, 'haven't you seen my chin?'" Don't judge me, I found it funny. In a nice bit of self-mockery, Gavin wonders in his VT if he missed his vocation in life, because he was in the changing room the other day with all the male dancers and they were all plucking their eyebrows and doing their hair. He's looking forward to spending time with the beautiful Katya, but is concerned at the good reputation that rugby players have on this show. Oddly enough, Kenny Logan is not mentioned. [But Kenny Logan BECAME A DANCER and was BETTER THAN HIS WIFE OMG DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE NARRATIVE? - Carrie] Katya is very excited to have an excuse to look at a cute face for five hours a day. Gavin is finding it hard to keep up the romance side of the dance, and tells him "you have no speck of emotion, not in your body, not in your face, nothing." This is probably not the most helpful thing to say to someone whose marriage recently fell apart. However, they have a breakthrough as Katya discovers Gavin looks sexy when he relaxes. I bet he gets the acting coach in a few weeks, mind.
Their waltz is to 'You Light Up My Life', and in perhaps the biggest shocker of the series so far, Gavin is actually quite good. He looks far less awkward than he did in the launch show, and there's some nice rise and fall in his routine, and he moves gracefully. Who saw that coming? Nice work, Katya. She's thrilled when the routine finishes, as well she might be.
Craig found the routine simple and effective, but it lacked some of the movement and sway - which he admits is not something they really expect from a first dance, but is something for Gavin to work towards, and it was occasionally "cold" which was to do with Gavin's acting of it, because he kept concentrating on what came next, but overall Craig found it "a really brave and good attempt". Len says that "for a celebrity male" (sigh) in the first week, he thought Gavin did far better than he could have ever imagined. Alesha thinks Gavin is a diamond in the rough, and she felt the emotion of the dance. Bruno admits he thought Gavin would be awful, but he went for it the correct way, and he can't wait to see him in Latin. Which, I'm sure, will have nothing to do with the inevitable tight sparkly outfits.
Up in the Tess Circle, Katya giggles that Gavin said to her when they finished "you owe me", which no one else seems to get. Gavin says that it's not hard to show romance in a dance when you're with Katya. Scores: Craig 6, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. It's the top score of the evening so far. "Awesome," says Gavin.
Tina and Jared are next. Tina recalls going to her nana's when she was eight or nine to dance for all the old people in a big room. And now she's doing it again! (Rimshot.) She loves Jared and the fact that people think they're a cute couple. She says that if she falls flat on her face, someone will just have to pick her up and she'll just carry on. Or - and here's a revolutionary idea - you could pick yourself up. Emily Davison didn't hurl herself under a horse just so you could sit there and wait to be rescued, y'know. Jared looks terrified, as always, and is very excited because he has a gorgeous partner. Tina explains that they have to work closely together but they don't really know each other that well, so it's like a first date - and indeed the training footage reinforces this theory as they're all "oh dear, I brushed against your arm, how terribly forward of me". Tina admits to not being cool, and not really liking being the centre of attention. She wants to be confident and energetic on the night "because by then we'll be, like, five dates in." And still not so much as upstairs outsidies, I bet you.
Their gimmick, as expected, is for Jared to be the comedy nerd (reading a Strictly Physics book) while Tina is, I assume, the Lovable Libby. Their cha cha cha is to Katy Perry's hideous 'California Gurls', and the part where the singer spectacularly bails out on the pre-chorus "woah-oh-ooh-woah-oh-oh" is hilarious. The routine is not bad, but I think Jared's general nervous demeanour is not helping Tina out, because it means there isn't a confident presence anywhere on the dancefloor, and they both like kind of small and lost as a result. They're giving it a good go, though, and Tina has a decent level of hip action and a promising dancer's poise.
Len isn't sure if he liked it, it lost energy in places, and he thinks Jared could produce a stronger routine for someone of Tina's ability, but overall it was a good job. Alesha thinks Tina really performed it, but it didn't blow her away like she wanted it to. Bruno thinks the concept worked well, but she went wrong many times ("I know, I know I did!" Tina cringes) and that's what stopped her performing. He tells her not to stop if things go wrong and just to carry on, at which point Alesha asserts that Tina did carry on. "Yeah, but she didn't do it very well," Bruno retorts. Tina shrugs it off with a "whatever", which I'm sure was meant to be a joke and not nearly as dismissive as it came off, but then Bruno makes a scary face and Tina apologises meekly. Heh. Craig thinks the timing and rhythm were good and the leg and hip action were there, but it was too uneventful and had too much strutting. Tina says that her nerves probably got the better of her.
They walk off to the Tess Circle, and poor Jared has serious VPL. Tina says that once she went wrong it got stuck in her head, but she enjoyed it and she hopes to kill it next week. Tess tells Jared that she's a massive High School Musical fan (anyone shocked? No, me neither) and is very excited to have a principle dancer from it on the show. Jared? Looks nervous. I may have to write a macro for that to save myself time. Scores: Craig 5, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. Tina thinks it's a fair score, considering the amount of mistakes she made.
Oh, here we go, bitches: IT'S WIDDY TIME! Anton kisses her on the head, which is quite cute. Bruce is thrilled to have a politician on the show this year - they wanted the Miliband brothers, but they wanted to dance together and couldn't agree on who was going to lead. Oh, come on - by this show's standards that's actually quite a good gag. Ann says that as a politician she's used to saying what she thinks. Ann tells us that while some may consider the show undignified, she won't wear anything or dance in a way that she wouldn't do "in front of the Pope himself." OMIGOD, IS HE HERE? I can't wait to see his Paso Doble. She says that when people ask her if she can take Anton to the final, she just howls with laughter. Heh. "Poor old Anton." Oh good, I'm so pleased that "poor Anton" is canon again. Anton says that as long as Ann gets her steps right, she can boss him around as much as she wants. They do seem to be having fun in rehearsals, and Ann enjoys the fact that he is a gentleman with a sense of humour. Just ask Laila Rouass.
Their waltz is to Al Martino's 'My Cherie' and considering the restrictions she set down for herself, I think the costume and hair people have done a decent job with Ann, as she looks rather nice. Her dancing is fairly appalling and she clearly needs a lot of leading, so Pope help her for any dances when she isn't in hold, but she's not embarrassing herself the way most people thought she would, and you can see Anton whispering encouragements to her as they go around, which is rather nice. The applause and cheering when they finish are thunderous, and Ann finds the whole thing hilarious.
"Anton, you must have worked so hard!" says Bruce. "You've absolutely no idea," Anton replies. Snerk. [Ah, Anton is such a gentleman. - Carrie] Alesha tells Ann she looks lovely (of course), and congratulates Anton on a routine that she really enjoyed. Very diplomatic, Alesha. There's a future for you in the foreign office. "Ann, my darling," Bruno begins. "It was a disaster, I know!" Ann interjects, but Bruno begs to differ - he thought there was something "quite courageous and imposing" watching her, "it was like watching the Ark Royal taking on the stormiest of seas - the ride was bumpy but you made it into port!" Quite. Bruce turns to Craig, at which point Ann blurts out "the submarine, here he comes," which I didn't understand the first time because I'd not been paying attention during Bruno's seafaring analogy, but now it all makes sense. Well, sort of. "It was all a bit local authority, darling," crows Craig. "I was extremely concerned for Anton's health and safety when you started getting those kicks out." Hee. He tells Ann to remember to turn her palms downward, which she explains was her "clinging on for dear life". Craig congratulates her on getting through it, which Bruce tells Ann is "the best you're going to get from him." "Oh, I know," Ann replies. "And if you think that's bad, you should see the salsa." Hee! I mean, I do not care for her politics at all, but as a reality show contestant I'm finding her surprisingly enjoyable. Len finishes off: "the ann-ticipation of seeing you dance is greater than any celebrity I've ever seen, and it reminded me of my holidays - I always have great anticipation to go away, and then the realisation is not quite up to the standard that I thought." But he thought she kept him entertained throughout - "accidentally?" asks Ann - and he likes the way her leg went up - "it reminded me of Germany during the forties." And everyone cracks up, including Ann. Ann is, of course, Bruce's favourite.
They head off up to the Tess Circle, where Tess asks if she detected a flicker of enjoyment there. More than a flicker, Ann confirms - she'd heard them ripping people to shreds who were far better than her, so she decided to just have fun. And good for her. Scores are in: Craig 2, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 17. Everyone expresses their concern for next week's salsa.
Finally, we have Kara and Anton. Kara is very happy to have landed "the gorgeous, sexy, Russian-American" and tells us it's not going to be hard to get up in the morning. Isn't that what Gavin was worried about, pre-series? Kara talks about having done a press interview where a journalist said that she ends up with all her co-stars (stay classy, journalist!) and they're both single, so what's going to happen. Kara's concerned that this might have scared Artem off. Artem is excited to have a sexy partner with whom he has "natural chemistry". Kara reveals that if she's good in rehearsals, then Artem is a nice guy, but if she giggles, "Mr Terminator comes along". Unfortunately, when he gets angry, that makes Kara laugh even more. Kara checks off a list: she has to get her steps right, smile, not fall over and not giggle. Well, three out of four's not bad, is it?
So Kara's in a leopardprint dominatrix outfit with what appears to be a rubber choker around her neck, and Artem has a leather hood on. This is really not Saturday teatime entertainment, is it? They're dancing to Enrique Iglesias's 'I Like It', and Kara starts off well, as she has the precision of a natural dancer, though there's a faint hint of embarrassment on her face which I'm sure is 99% related to her attire. Her attire is about to cause another problem - as she twirls around Artem, she catches her heel in the flap of fabric that's dangling between her legs and topples over. All credit to Kara, she gets right back up and carries on, but for the rest of the routine, you can see on her face that she feels utterly, utterly humiliated. It's such a shame, because she's really good - she's sharp, slick and graceful, and this is, for my money, the best cha cha cha of the weekend, even with the fall. [I actually never even noticed she fell. If it was Tina she'd have been lying there till someone picked her back up. - Carrie] There's a turn at the end where Artem carries Kara in her arms and spins her around him (while she keeps one foot on the floor at all times, ensuring it doesn't count as a lift) which I think is of an absolutely phenomenal standard for a week one dance.
Bruce asks Kara if she's okay, and she responds with the self-effacing laughter of the recently-mortified that she "knew the dominatrix wasn't a good idea". I'm amazed they actually said "dominatrix" out loud. Bruno comments "miaow, Catwoman, come and take me!" He knows there was a mistake and a stumble, but she's a great dancer and he's sure she'll be back and amazing. "Thank you, Whiskas," says Bruce. Craig thinks it was a fabulous recovery from the fall, and there was a dodgy turn at the end, but it was very controlled and precise. Len says that anyone can catch their heel in their outfit, but she recovered well and turned out a great dance. Alesha thinks Kara and Artem are hot together, and even with the mistake, she thinks it was the best dance of the night.
They trot up to the Tess Circle, where Kara says "dominatrix" again and says that it's very embarrassing that she fell over. "Has anyone ever fallen over?" she asks. Oh, Kara, I wish there was a video I could link to, but nip down to the BBC archives later and ask for a copy of Zoe Ball's showdance where Ian Waite falls over, and then you'll feel a lot better. And then watch Lisa Snowdon's showdance and feel better still, because laughter is the best medicine. Tess thinks their chemistry sizzled, and welcomes Artem to the show, but does not give him a chance to speak. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 30. And I know there was bitching on various forums about Kara apparently not being marked down for the fall, but I don't think this is in quite the same league as Bruno giving Kelly Brook's American smooth a 10 when it contained an illegal lift. Besides, how do we know she wouldn't have got eights and nines without the fall? Anyway, let's move on before I out myself as some kind of Kara Tointon fanboy.
Tess promises that we'll look at the leaderboard in a minute, but first we have a performance from Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams. Because that's really an incentive to return for the people who scrambled to find the remote control before having to listen to this tedious dirge or sit through any of the "look, we are acting a bit like gays" alleged 'comedy'. Fuck off, Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams. Come back when you are less like a terrifying vision of Horne and Corden: The 10 Year Reunion.
Video recap: Jimi and Flavia not upsetting the rhythm, Peter grimacing through his waltz, Michelle being as out of control on the dancefloor as she is away from it, Gavin not being nearly as cringeworthy as everyone was expecting, Tina and Jared chaperoning the year eight disco, the unsinkable Ann Widdecombe, and Kara finding her feet.
Overall leaderboard: Matt and Aliona still joint top with Pamela and James, then Kara and Artem in third, Scott and Natalie in fourth, Gavin and Katya fifth, Jimi and Flavia sixth, Michelle and Brendan tying for seventh with Tina and Jared, Felicity and Vincent in ninth, then Patsy and Robin in tenth, Peter and Erin in eleventh, Goldie and Kristina twelfth, Ann and Anton thirteenth, and Paul and Ola languishing at the bottom. Those scores will carry over to next week, when we will have our first phone vote and elimination. Next week: six salsas (eek!) and eight foxtrots (snore!). We'll be back on Friday with our weekly It Takes Two roundup and then on Sunday for the round-up of the first full night of competition. Join us then!
"Last night," intones Tess, "the ballroom opened its doors on Strictly 2010." What, all by itself? Is it some kind of sentient being with power over its own doors, like Halliwell Manor? Perhaps it was the spirit of Shannen Doherty doing it telekinetically after her hugely disappointing early ouster on season ten of Dancing With The Stars? Alternatively, perhaps it was just a bit of rhetoric. Seven couples took to the floor, and for some (Pamela and James, Matt and Aliona) it was a night to remember, while for others (Goldie and Kristina, Paul and Ola) it was one they'd sooner forget. To be honest, I sincerely doubt Paul Daniels was particularly embarrassed or particularly cares. And let's be honest, Felicity Kendal and Patsy Kensit belonged in that second montage too, but were omitted because everyone's still secretly too in awe of Felicity to admit that she was a bit rubbish, and Patsy's self-esteem is rather fragile as it is, and mocking her in the pre-titles sequence would probably just about finish her off, the poor lamb. Tonight, seven more stars get their turn on their floor, and there will be more drama (shot of Anton apparently pinching Ann Widdecombe under the arm), more divas (Michelle and Tina being loud), and even more ballroom dancing. Or, alternatively, there will be the same amount of ballroom dancing, because we will see seven routines, just like last night. This! Is Strictly Come Dancing 2010!
After the less-new-than-they-were-last-night titles, there is a Bruce, and there is a Tess. They do their usual skit, and Bruce grabs Tess's leg during her kick-up a little too high up the thigh, and has to move his hand further down. Although perhaps this as all orchestrated in light of her husband's antics for Tess to prove that SHE HAS OPPORTUNITIES TO PLAY AWAY AS WELL, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. Bruce puts Tess down, and now that we can see her outfit from the front, it's time for Daly Dresswatch: it's a purple number that hangs over her right shoulder but not her left, which somehow makes her tits look really lopsided. After last night's relative triumph, this return to the costuming wilderness reassures me greatly.
Bruce welcomes the "ladies, gentlemen and children" (though I'm guessing the third group will need to switch off before Kara Tointon's routine at the end of the show) as it is nice to see us, to see us nice. Bruce does a gag about his stint on Who Do You Think You Are? and the revelation that one of his ancestors had two wives, which culminates in a "four fathers/forefathers" gag that would've worked better if Bruce hadn't said "two fives" instead of "two wives". Perhaps his ancestor was hoping to trade them both in for a ten? [NOT IN THIS GAME! Oops, wrong show. - Carrie]
Tess reminds us that seven couples have already danced and can relax tonight, but the peril is just beginning for the remainder. It's time to meet the couples: Scott and Natalie, Tina and Jared, Peter and Erin, Jimi and Flavia, Paul and Ola, Patsy and Robin, Goldie and Kristina, Matt and Aliona, Kara and Artem (dressed for S&M, so their routine is clearly going to be AMAZING), Pamela and James, Felicity and Vincent, Michelle and Brendan, Ann and Anton, and Gavin and Katya. Gavin Henson Erectionwatch: nothing yet. Everyone claps. Michelle whoops. I love Michelle.
Bruce reminds us that no one is going home tonight, so all the contestants will be here for another week. "And you know what that means: we'll all get to see Ann Widdecombe do the Latin." And I suspect there will be declension involved. Tess explains that the judges will still be scoring and those scores will carry over to next week. Michelle is ignoring Tess and waving to a pal in the audience instead. Did I mention I love Michelle? Bruce teases that Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow will be here later for more tedious quasi-homoeroticism, and then it's time for our first couple, Jimi and Flavia.
Bruce appears to have developed a new catchphrase for this year, to be delivered following an awful joke. "I didn't want to do it, they made me do it!" It'll never stand up in court, Bruce. Although it is fractionally preferable to "I am not doddery, doddery I am not", I suppose. In his VT, Jimi talks about appearing in Big Hollywood Movies. The editors illustrate this by showing us shots of film posters on which neither his face nor his name appear. Jimi declares that people are very excited about Strictly, which makes it a very different ballgame from Big Hollywood Blockbusters. He reveals that the Strictly studio smells like "Deep Heat and hair gel." And that's just Tess. He thinks Flavia is amazing, which is good, because she is. Flavia tells us that she's very excited to be returning, and reminds us that she made the final in 2007, which is why she's had a haircut. No, seriously: she's recreated her successful 'do from the Matt Di Angelo years as if there were some kind of Samson-like curse standing in her way in the two series since then. Perhaps Craig Kelly is sitting at home going "oh, so that's why I had no rhythm!" We see them training, and Jimi is very sweaty. He wrings his t-shirt out in the rehearsal room. Lovely. Bet that was fun for the cleaners. He just hopes the sweat is worth it.
They are dancing to 'Don't Upset The Rhythm' by the Noisettes, and the good news is that Jimi's clearly got rhythm, which puts him ahead of Flavia's last two partners. I am concerned, however, that his limbs appear to be made of spaghetti - they're just so loose and floppy. He dances like I do, and that can't be good. I think that's something he can sort out with a bit of practice, though - it's a level of precision that I'm sure Flavia can teach him over the next couple of weeks, now that we know he's got the basic steps and timing down. And as always, I'm envious of Flavia's elasticity - if I were even half as bendy as she is, my daily yoga practice would be a lot easier. Sigh.
Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers and the wonderful orchestra, and apologises for his expletive-laden outburst at the judges last night. He claims to have found the word that describes their contribution perfectly: "adequate". Len opens up by saying "there was nothing 'adequate' about that cha cha cha", which gets cheers from the audience even though it could've been criticism just as easily as it could've been praise. He thinks that it was high energy and great rhythm, but Jimi needs to watch out for his heel leads and sort his knees out. Alesha tells Jimi that he performed with energy and enthusiasm, but it was a bit wobbly and he occasionally lost his timing, and she would've appreciated more sharpness in general, but overall it was fantastic for a first dance. Bruno thinks Jimi can sell a dance, but he went wrong in the mid-section, and his performance level didn't quite recover after that. Craig thought it was "like watching the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz", which gets booed, but Craig claims this just proves that Jimi has "great isolation technique". I'm not necessarily sure it was on purpose, though. Craig tells Jimi he needs more control and definition, and to point his feet properly. However, Craig liked the energy, so it wasn't all bad.
Flavia scampers off to the Tess Circle, pulling Jimi behind her as he waves to the crowd. Tess is surprised that Jimi didn't seem nervous, and he explains that he was just full of energy and really enjoyed it. He's annoyed that he messed up some of the steps. "I didn't see it," Flavia tells him, to which Jimi responds that the judges did. Heh. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. I think Alesha's been reviewing last night's tapes - or possibly looking on the internet - as it looks like she's going to be a bit more restrained in her scoring tonight. Jimi and Flavia are happy with that start, though.
Up next are Peter and Erin, both of whom are displaying rigid grins that do not reach their eyes. I make a mental note to e-mail Tyra Banks and ask her what the opposite of "smize" is. Peter reminds us that he has a record number of caps, much like Ant McPartlin used to have before he found a haircut that he liked. He thinks he's made some great saves in his career, but the one that people always remember is the "hand of God" Maradona goal that he let in. Already this is far too much sporting talk for my liking, though I'm sure Len is fapping away under the desk. Peter says that he's used to criticism as a goalkeeper, but he is only interested in constructive criticism. Erin says that she's the only professional female left from series one, and I do hope that she is including Tess in that. Peter is also sweating in training, and Erin explains the dance to him in goalkeeping terms. Peter says he can feel the dance moving up his body, but it is currently around his kneecaps. But does he have a record number of kneecaps?
They're waltzing to 'Take It To The Limit' by the Eagles, and Peter is clearly not one of life's natural dancers, but he's giving it a good go. He has some decent signs of rise and fall, but the whole execution is rather tentative, and I can't help wondering if Erin is driving the whole thing from the back seat, as it were. It's not a bad attempt, but I think we're in for a treat next week when he has to salsa. Alesha tells him it was a bit of a rocky start, but he got through it, and while he has a lot of work to do, Erin is a fabulous teacher. Bruno is amused at how relieved Peter was at the end of it, and says that the routine was very wobbly, but now he knows what it's like, he can come back and do better at it. He found Peter's technique lacking, but is sure he can get better. Craig thinks it was cautious and careful and "a bit knobbly". He points out balance issues and the need to smooth out the rise and fall and the transitions, and it looked like Peter dropped Erin at the end rather than a deliberately choreographed move. "I've never dropped anything!" Peter heckles. Heh. Len says it wasn't quite premier league, but it was an "adequate" standard for week one. Is Len being paid per mention of the word "adequate" tonight? It lacked a bit of musicality, but Len thinks that was the nerves. He thinks Peter will grow in confidence now he's done it once.
Up in the Tess Circle, Peter admits to being "elated" that it's over. He said he lost it a couple of times, but the comments were fair and there is room for improvement. "It's a different ball game," he jokes. Erin is proud that he got through it. People keep saying that - were they expecting him to die or something? I mean, in seven series so far the only person who I can ever remember not actually managing to finish a routine was Matt Di Angelo, so I'm not sure that "getting through it" is really that difficult. Anyway, the scores are in: Craig 4, Len 6, Alesha 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 21. Erin: "Not bad. That's room for improvement!" I love Erin. It is at this point that I spot Jared sitting behind Tess, wearing a pink shirt, geek glasses, a bow tie, and plaid trousers. The gimmicks are out in force this year, aren't they? Then again, it does kind of suit him. He makes a good Hollywood Nerd.
Michelle and Brendan are next. Michelle whoops it up for the cameras once again. Bruce claims that Michelle is the most famous and talented singer with the surname Williams - "sorry Robbie". While that may be true, it's a shame she's not even the most famous person called Michelle Williams. But I love her anyway. Despite what is about to happen. Michelle's intro music for her VT is the "Michelle, can you handle this? / I don't think you can handle it" refrain from 'Bootylicious', which seems to be a clever bit of foreshadowing now I've seen her dancing. Michelle explains that she's not a classically trained dancer: "give me a microphone and I will sing for the Queen over tea and biscuits, but if you ask me to dance, I'm like 'gimme a day or two, then I'll be right back.'" I cannot even describe how much I want Michelle to come and sing for me over tea and biscuits. Do I count as a queen? Wait, don't answer that. We see some clips of Michelle signing autographs on the red carpet at the launch and shimmying her hips like a good'un. I hope you spotted that, because it will be important later. Michelle says that she wants tens, and nothing less than an eight. Oh Michelle. This is your first reality show, right? That is not how you win over an audience. Well, except me. She's surprised that Brendan is the bad boy of ballroom just for standing up for his partners. Brendan insists that there's only one boss of the training room, and that's him. Michelle says that the pressure is on because people have been calling them "the ones to watch". Michelle's getting frustrated in training because she's not getting the hang of it, and she wants to meet people's expectations.
They're dancing their cha cha cha to Paloma Faith's 'Stone Cold Sober', and Michelle's top appears to have been made from the leftover wrappers in the Strictly costume department's annual festive tin of Cadbury's Roses. Michelle's dancing, while not quite as hideous as it looked to me on the first go-round, is still not good - her arms are very flyaway, her legs are too bent, and her hip action is non-existent. And this is the bit that amazes me, because of the aforementioned red carpet clip - clearly, she can move her hips, so why doesn't she? Pressure? Nerves? A problem following established choreography rather than just vamping whenever Beyoncé stood out of the way long enough to let her? There's one out of hold section where Michelle seems very flaily and lost, and I wonder if perhaps the tempo is a problem for her - she seems more able to keep it together when she's in hold, but I think she just kind of panicked with the speed at which she needed to move when Brendan wasn't there to physically guide her. Much like with Felicity yesterday, maybe I'm just making excuses because one of my early favourites has disappointed me, but it is quite hard to make sense of. However, I don't think she's a write-off just yet, I just think that - despite her outward whooping and insistence on getting tens - she's not actually that confident in her ability yet, and maybe needs a bit of nurturing. And besides, Lisa Snowdon's first Latin routine was abysmal, and look what happened there! (Okay, maybe that's not the best example.) Anyway, all of those people who seem to inexplicably believe that "professional singer" and "professional dancer" are the same thing and thus screamed "RINGER!" when Michelle was cast are probably feeling a bit silly now.
Brendan and Bruce have a bit of trouble getting Michelle onto her mark, and then Bruce makes it worse by saying "Michelle, come on home to Brucie!" and Michelle screams "YEAH BABY!" and strides over to him. I love her crazy ass, but I fear she is not winning herself much support with the voting public right now. Bruno thinks that Michelle's legs go on forever, but she looked like she was dancing on stilts, because she was rather unsteady and needs to control her arms and legs. She needs to work on her core strength and spotting. "Yes, sir," Michelle responds breathlessly. Craig says that her balance was off a lot and her knees were flexed throughout, and her hips are very stiff, and which point Michelle pretends to struggle away from Brendan as if to walk up and lamp him. Hee. Len says that it was a fatal combination: "long legs, short skirt, and bad technique" - Michelle needs to work on strength on her legs which will produce a better hip action. Alesha loves Michelle's life and energy, and while she needs to get herself under control (and how!), but credits her for performing her routine so energetically. Michelle, who hasn't quite got the hang of the format yet, takes this opportunity to respond about how you have to take the criticism and not let it get you down: "I wouldn't have gotten this far in life without that." Bruce is all "that's nice, dear, now go to the Tess Circle. Please?"
Up in the Tess Circle, Michelle says that this is very different from being in Destiny's Child, and she's going to go off and strengthen her legs. Scores: Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 7, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. So, not quite what she was hoping for. Michelle vows to go off and train until her legs are "as big and muscular as Gavin's". Heh.
Speaking of which, Gavin and Katya are next. And there's a joke that did make me chuckle, so I'll break habit for once and transcribe it. "Gavin shaves his legs every day. He was telling me earlier, 'it's such a chore to keep up. Have you any idea what it's like to shave an area this big?' I said, 'haven't you seen my chin?'" Don't judge me, I found it funny. In a nice bit of self-mockery, Gavin wonders in his VT if he missed his vocation in life, because he was in the changing room the other day with all the male dancers and they were all plucking their eyebrows and doing their hair. He's looking forward to spending time with the beautiful Katya, but is concerned at the good reputation that rugby players have on this show. Oddly enough, Kenny Logan is not mentioned. [But Kenny Logan BECAME A DANCER and was BETTER THAN HIS WIFE OMG DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THE NARRATIVE? - Carrie] Katya is very excited to have an excuse to look at a cute face for five hours a day. Gavin is finding it hard to keep up the romance side of the dance, and tells him "you have no speck of emotion, not in your body, not in your face, nothing." This is probably not the most helpful thing to say to someone whose marriage recently fell apart. However, they have a breakthrough as Katya discovers Gavin looks sexy when he relaxes. I bet he gets the acting coach in a few weeks, mind.
Their waltz is to 'You Light Up My Life', and in perhaps the biggest shocker of the series so far, Gavin is actually quite good. He looks far less awkward than he did in the launch show, and there's some nice rise and fall in his routine, and he moves gracefully. Who saw that coming? Nice work, Katya. She's thrilled when the routine finishes, as well she might be.
Craig found the routine simple and effective, but it lacked some of the movement and sway - which he admits is not something they really expect from a first dance, but is something for Gavin to work towards, and it was occasionally "cold" which was to do with Gavin's acting of it, because he kept concentrating on what came next, but overall Craig found it "a really brave and good attempt". Len says that "for a celebrity male" (sigh) in the first week, he thought Gavin did far better than he could have ever imagined. Alesha thinks Gavin is a diamond in the rough, and she felt the emotion of the dance. Bruno admits he thought Gavin would be awful, but he went for it the correct way, and he can't wait to see him in Latin. Which, I'm sure, will have nothing to do with the inevitable tight sparkly outfits.
Up in the Tess Circle, Katya giggles that Gavin said to her when they finished "you owe me", which no one else seems to get. Gavin says that it's not hard to show romance in a dance when you're with Katya. Scores: Craig 6, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. It's the top score of the evening so far. "Awesome," says Gavin.
Tina and Jared are next. Tina recalls going to her nana's when she was eight or nine to dance for all the old people in a big room. And now she's doing it again! (Rimshot.) She loves Jared and the fact that people think they're a cute couple. She says that if she falls flat on her face, someone will just have to pick her up and she'll just carry on. Or - and here's a revolutionary idea - you could pick yourself up. Emily Davison didn't hurl herself under a horse just so you could sit there and wait to be rescued, y'know. Jared looks terrified, as always, and is very excited because he has a gorgeous partner. Tina explains that they have to work closely together but they don't really know each other that well, so it's like a first date - and indeed the training footage reinforces this theory as they're all "oh dear, I brushed against your arm, how terribly forward of me". Tina admits to not being cool, and not really liking being the centre of attention. She wants to be confident and energetic on the night "because by then we'll be, like, five dates in." And still not so much as upstairs outsidies, I bet you.
Their gimmick, as expected, is for Jared to be the comedy nerd (reading a Strictly Physics book) while Tina is, I assume, the Lovable Libby. Their cha cha cha is to Katy Perry's hideous 'California Gurls', and the part where the singer spectacularly bails out on the pre-chorus "woah-oh-ooh-woah-oh-oh" is hilarious. The routine is not bad, but I think Jared's general nervous demeanour is not helping Tina out, because it means there isn't a confident presence anywhere on the dancefloor, and they both like kind of small and lost as a result. They're giving it a good go, though, and Tina has a decent level of hip action and a promising dancer's poise.
Len isn't sure if he liked it, it lost energy in places, and he thinks Jared could produce a stronger routine for someone of Tina's ability, but overall it was a good job. Alesha thinks Tina really performed it, but it didn't blow her away like she wanted it to. Bruno thinks the concept worked well, but she went wrong many times ("I know, I know I did!" Tina cringes) and that's what stopped her performing. He tells her not to stop if things go wrong and just to carry on, at which point Alesha asserts that Tina did carry on. "Yeah, but she didn't do it very well," Bruno retorts. Tina shrugs it off with a "whatever", which I'm sure was meant to be a joke and not nearly as dismissive as it came off, but then Bruno makes a scary face and Tina apologises meekly. Heh. Craig thinks the timing and rhythm were good and the leg and hip action were there, but it was too uneventful and had too much strutting. Tina says that her nerves probably got the better of her.
They walk off to the Tess Circle, and poor Jared has serious VPL. Tina says that once she went wrong it got stuck in her head, but she enjoyed it and she hopes to kill it next week. Tess tells Jared that she's a massive High School Musical fan (anyone shocked? No, me neither) and is very excited to have a principle dancer from it on the show. Jared? Looks nervous. I may have to write a macro for that to save myself time. Scores: Craig 5, Len 7, Alesha 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. Tina thinks it's a fair score, considering the amount of mistakes she made.
Oh, here we go, bitches: IT'S WIDDY TIME! Anton kisses her on the head, which is quite cute. Bruce is thrilled to have a politician on the show this year - they wanted the Miliband brothers, but they wanted to dance together and couldn't agree on who was going to lead. Oh, come on - by this show's standards that's actually quite a good gag. Ann says that as a politician she's used to saying what she thinks. Ann tells us that while some may consider the show undignified, she won't wear anything or dance in a way that she wouldn't do "in front of the Pope himself." OMIGOD, IS HE HERE? I can't wait to see his Paso Doble. She says that when people ask her if she can take Anton to the final, she just howls with laughter. Heh. "Poor old Anton." Oh good, I'm so pleased that "poor Anton" is canon again. Anton says that as long as Ann gets her steps right, she can boss him around as much as she wants. They do seem to be having fun in rehearsals, and Ann enjoys the fact that he is a gentleman with a sense of humour. Just ask Laila Rouass.
Their waltz is to Al Martino's 'My Cherie' and considering the restrictions she set down for herself, I think the costume and hair people have done a decent job with Ann, as she looks rather nice. Her dancing is fairly appalling and she clearly needs a lot of leading, so Pope help her for any dances when she isn't in hold, but she's not embarrassing herself the way most people thought she would, and you can see Anton whispering encouragements to her as they go around, which is rather nice. The applause and cheering when they finish are thunderous, and Ann finds the whole thing hilarious.
"Anton, you must have worked so hard!" says Bruce. "You've absolutely no idea," Anton replies. Snerk. [Ah, Anton is such a gentleman. - Carrie] Alesha tells Ann she looks lovely (of course), and congratulates Anton on a routine that she really enjoyed. Very diplomatic, Alesha. There's a future for you in the foreign office. "Ann, my darling," Bruno begins. "It was a disaster, I know!" Ann interjects, but Bruno begs to differ - he thought there was something "quite courageous and imposing" watching her, "it was like watching the Ark Royal taking on the stormiest of seas - the ride was bumpy but you made it into port!" Quite. Bruce turns to Craig, at which point Ann blurts out "the submarine, here he comes," which I didn't understand the first time because I'd not been paying attention during Bruno's seafaring analogy, but now it all makes sense. Well, sort of. "It was all a bit local authority, darling," crows Craig. "I was extremely concerned for Anton's health and safety when you started getting those kicks out." Hee. He tells Ann to remember to turn her palms downward, which she explains was her "clinging on for dear life". Craig congratulates her on getting through it, which Bruce tells Ann is "the best you're going to get from him." "Oh, I know," Ann replies. "And if you think that's bad, you should see the salsa." Hee! I mean, I do not care for her politics at all, but as a reality show contestant I'm finding her surprisingly enjoyable. Len finishes off: "the ann-ticipation of seeing you dance is greater than any celebrity I've ever seen, and it reminded me of my holidays - I always have great anticipation to go away, and then the realisation is not quite up to the standard that I thought." But he thought she kept him entertained throughout - "accidentally?" asks Ann - and he likes the way her leg went up - "it reminded me of Germany during the forties." And everyone cracks up, including Ann. Ann is, of course, Bruce's favourite.
They head off up to the Tess Circle, where Tess asks if she detected a flicker of enjoyment there. More than a flicker, Ann confirms - she'd heard them ripping people to shreds who were far better than her, so she decided to just have fun. And good for her. Scores are in: Craig 2, Len 5, Alesha 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 17. Everyone expresses their concern for next week's salsa.
Finally, we have Kara and Anton. Kara is very happy to have landed "the gorgeous, sexy, Russian-American" and tells us it's not going to be hard to get up in the morning. Isn't that what Gavin was worried about, pre-series? Kara talks about having done a press interview where a journalist said that she ends up with all her co-stars (stay classy, journalist!) and they're both single, so what's going to happen. Kara's concerned that this might have scared Artem off. Artem is excited to have a sexy partner with whom he has "natural chemistry". Kara reveals that if she's good in rehearsals, then Artem is a nice guy, but if she giggles, "Mr Terminator comes along". Unfortunately, when he gets angry, that makes Kara laugh even more. Kara checks off a list: she has to get her steps right, smile, not fall over and not giggle. Well, three out of four's not bad, is it?
So Kara's in a leopardprint dominatrix outfit with what appears to be a rubber choker around her neck, and Artem has a leather hood on. This is really not Saturday teatime entertainment, is it? They're dancing to Enrique Iglesias's 'I Like It', and Kara starts off well, as she has the precision of a natural dancer, though there's a faint hint of embarrassment on her face which I'm sure is 99% related to her attire. Her attire is about to cause another problem - as she twirls around Artem, she catches her heel in the flap of fabric that's dangling between her legs and topples over. All credit to Kara, she gets right back up and carries on, but for the rest of the routine, you can see on her face that she feels utterly, utterly humiliated. It's such a shame, because she's really good - she's sharp, slick and graceful, and this is, for my money, the best cha cha cha of the weekend, even with the fall. [I actually never even noticed she fell. If it was Tina she'd have been lying there till someone picked her back up. - Carrie] There's a turn at the end where Artem carries Kara in her arms and spins her around him (while she keeps one foot on the floor at all times, ensuring it doesn't count as a lift) which I think is of an absolutely phenomenal standard for a week one dance.
Bruce asks Kara if she's okay, and she responds with the self-effacing laughter of the recently-mortified that she "knew the dominatrix wasn't a good idea". I'm amazed they actually said "dominatrix" out loud. Bruno comments "miaow, Catwoman, come and take me!" He knows there was a mistake and a stumble, but she's a great dancer and he's sure she'll be back and amazing. "Thank you, Whiskas," says Bruce. Craig thinks it was a fabulous recovery from the fall, and there was a dodgy turn at the end, but it was very controlled and precise. Len says that anyone can catch their heel in their outfit, but she recovered well and turned out a great dance. Alesha thinks Kara and Artem are hot together, and even with the mistake, she thinks it was the best dance of the night.
They trot up to the Tess Circle, where Kara says "dominatrix" again and says that it's very embarrassing that she fell over. "Has anyone ever fallen over?" she asks. Oh, Kara, I wish there was a video I could link to, but nip down to the BBC archives later and ask for a copy of Zoe Ball's showdance where Ian Waite falls over, and then you'll feel a lot better. And then watch Lisa Snowdon's showdance and feel better still, because laughter is the best medicine. Tess thinks their chemistry sizzled, and welcomes Artem to the show, but does not give him a chance to speak. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 30. And I know there was bitching on various forums about Kara apparently not being marked down for the fall, but I don't think this is in quite the same league as Bruno giving Kelly Brook's American smooth a 10 when it contained an illegal lift. Besides, how do we know she wouldn't have got eights and nines without the fall? Anyway, let's move on before I out myself as some kind of Kara Tointon fanboy.
Tess promises that we'll look at the leaderboard in a minute, but first we have a performance from Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams. Because that's really an incentive to return for the people who scrambled to find the remote control before having to listen to this tedious dirge or sit through any of the "look, we are acting a bit like gays" alleged 'comedy'. Fuck off, Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams. Come back when you are less like a terrifying vision of Horne and Corden: The 10 Year Reunion.
Video recap: Jimi and Flavia not upsetting the rhythm, Peter grimacing through his waltz, Michelle being as out of control on the dancefloor as she is away from it, Gavin not being nearly as cringeworthy as everyone was expecting, Tina and Jared chaperoning the year eight disco, the unsinkable Ann Widdecombe, and Kara finding her feet.
Overall leaderboard: Matt and Aliona still joint top with Pamela and James, then Kara and Artem in third, Scott and Natalie in fourth, Gavin and Katya fifth, Jimi and Flavia sixth, Michelle and Brendan tying for seventh with Tina and Jared, Felicity and Vincent in ninth, then Patsy and Robin in tenth, Peter and Erin in eleventh, Goldie and Kristina twelfth, Ann and Anton thirteenth, and Paul and Ola languishing at the bottom. Those scores will carry over to next week, when we will have our first phone vote and elimination. Next week: six salsas (eek!) and eight foxtrots (snore!). We'll be back on Friday with our weekly It Takes Two roundup and then on Sunday for the round-up of the first full night of competition. Join us then!
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