The Passion Of The Kristina

Christmas Special: 25th December 2010

First of all, a belated merry Christmas and a happy new year to all of you! I realise this recap is a little later than we would normally allow, but I have to plead an excess of other Christmas-related responsibilities (including playing with my inexhaustible six-year-old niece and helping to look after a hyperactive terrier) that made it pretty much impossible to tackle a recap until now.

We begin with the traditional Christmas opening, with the theme tune revised to include jingling bells and a riff on 'Wonderful Christmastime', one of my most-hated of all Christmas-themed songs. We open with fake snow falling in the studio and some kind of vast iron gate-style prop, and as it creaks open, we see the Strictly professionals dressed in pyjama-type outfits (all very family friendly, just in case you were hoping for something saucy) sitting by giant presents. The pros in question are Kristina, Erin, Vincent, Anton and Matthew, which struck me as a really odd selection at first until I realised that these are the pros actually competing in the Christmas special. In my defence, when I first watched this, I was in the process of digesting about 3lbs of turkey, so I was perhaps not at my sharpest. Also, I was watching it with most of my immediate family (mum, brother and sister) and spent most of the time explaining to my non-Strictly-watching brother who these people were and why he was supposed to care about them.

Anyway, the band start playing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You', which is officially the best Christmas song ever, bar none, and is so amazing that even the band's barely-adequate rendition of it can dent its awesomeness. The pros begin jiving around the giant presents (and to continue my general density, I really didn't realise the significance of these props at the time), and it's a little bit cringeworthy, because they are in pyjamas, lest we forget. You can understand why I had trouble convincing my brother that this was normally a serious and dignified dance competition. [To be fair, the show has trouble convincing ME it's supposed to be a serious and dignified dance competition. - Carrie] As the band gets to the chorus, the pros return to their gifts and open them - and out pop the Christmas celebrities. Matthew unwraps Fern Britton, Vincent gets June Brown, Anton opens Ronni Ancona, Kristina gets BARROWMAN (who's so ridiculously excited to be here that he star jumps out of the box before she can even finish opening it) and Erin has Vince Cable, who struggles to get up from the crouching position he's had to hold for the past couple of minutes. I must admit, I did think afterwards how impressive it was for 83-year-old June Brown to be squatting in that box for so long and still be able to stand up on cue. That's professionalism for you. I'm 54 years younger than she is, and I think I'd have trouble with that. The pros pose with their one-off celeb partners as the band finishes, and then trot off. Surprise! There's a standing ovation for them all. The judges are all dressed in white, apart from Alesha, who's in a hot red dress with another ruffle, which I remain convinced is part of her secret alien army that she's planning to sic on Len if he starts yammering on about SPORTSMEN or FOXTROTS or DANCES THAT ARE DIFFICULT FOR MALE CELEBRITIES. Fingers crossed, anyway.

There is a Christmas Bruce, and there is a Christmas Tess. Daly Dresswatch: an asymmetric black silky number that's not actually too shabby, although a question mark hangs over the shoulder strap. She's obviously made a special effort for Christmas. Also, we can see this year's top five contestants sitting in the front row, all dressed up for Christmas. Bruce welcomes us to the Christmas special and wishes us all a merry Christmas. Bruce cracks a crashingly predictable joke which shall remain under my non-recappable policy, but let's just say that it revolves around a Christmas present for Tess, and when La Daly replies, "I don't know what to say", Bruce points at the autocue and says "look down there and read it." And since that one did genuinely make me laugh, it gets recapped. Never let it be said that I am not a man of principle.

Tess tells us that as well as the special five festive couples taking part tonight, they'll also be "reuniting" some couples from the recent series, even though we all know this was filmed ages ago when everyone involved was sick of the sight of each other. Bruce tries to talk, but has come in too early and Tess continues talking over him. And remember folks, this is a pre-record. If they can't even get it right when it's not live, what hope is there for the world? Bruce suggests that Tess has been drinking. I suspect she would have to have been.

Time to meet our Christmas stars: broadcaster Fern Britton and her partner Matt Cutler (ooh, "Matt" Cutler, is it now?) [ooh I wondered that too! The new! improved! Matt Cutler returns to reclaim his rightful place on primetime telly! - Carrie] , the Rt Hon Vince Cable and his partner Erin Boag, comedienne Ronni Ancona and her partner Anton Du Beke (and can I just say now, when they promised us that the Christmas special would feature A-list stars who didn't have time to commit to a full series, Ronni Ancona was emphatically not the sort of person I had in mind), EastEnders legend June Brown and her partner Vincent Simone, and star of stage and screen BARROWMAN and his partner Kristina Rihanoff. Already Kristina looks positively giddy not to have been stuck with a fodder contestant for once in her life. Things are really lining up for ol' Liz Lemon Kristina Rihanoff.

Bruce opines that they must all be mad to come on the show with so little training. The pinched look on Ronni's face suggests she might agree with this statement. Tess explains that there will be no phone vote because it's "the holiday season" (just say "Christmas Day", Tess), so the audience will be voting as our proxy. First up tonight are BARROWMAN and Kristina, and he wastes no time in working my last nerve by beginning his VT yelling "it's Christmas!" and cackling loudly. I like to think I have a reasonably high BARROWMAN tolerance, but I don't think I made it more than about 10 seconds into this VT before wanting to throw my niece's new Disney Princess Magic Rise Oven at the TV. (And speaking of which: like Disney princesses ever do their own baking.) We see some clips of him standing ON A ROOF IN BEAUTIFUL CARDIFF Torchwood, and BARROWMAN shooting sparkles out of his fingertips, which I'm guessing is from Tonight's The Night (either that, or it's just from, like, a Tuesday). BARROWMAN says that the reason he was put on this planet was to entertain. And also to buy lots of stuff from QVC. (What? He does! He told me so when I interviewed him once.) [AND when I interviewed him he showed me his QVC membership card! Does this mean we are Friends Of Barrowman? - Carrie] Clearly about to spontaneously combust from sheer glee, BARROWMAN squawks, "Sequins! Christmas! Santa Claus! Beautiful women! Gorgeous guys! Let's make a TV show!" I suspect several BBC executives were watching the box as they digested their roasted pheasant and thought "oh, so that's how you do it!" He pulls a cracker and Kristina appears, and he squeaks and hugs her. They're dancing a quickstep. "That's quick!" opines BARROWMAN in rehearsals. Kristina is pleased that John has lots of energy, because he's going to need it. She doesn't mention that she's pleased that he knows his craft, but I'm sure that goes without saying. BARROWMAN tries to play down his supreme ringerdom by telling us that he's "moved before in musicals", but this is a different kettle of fish. He screams a lot in rehearsals, and wonders "how Liza Minnelli did it", and then sings Kate Bush's 'Don't Give Up' to himself. He's almost too gay to function right now, for serious. He then announces that people who say they're not in it to win it are full of shit (and we agree on that, at least) and says that they're going to quickstep all over us. Sounds painful.

They're dancing to 'Sleigh Ride', and the routine opens with Kristina tapping her toes while sitting at her vanity, while BARROWMAN bounds in with his arms full of presents. He does a quick solo number that's a bit like tap dancing without the tapping, and then they take hold for the proper quickstep part of this evening's presentation. They're pretty good together - he's got the energy to pull this off, and while the routine's a bit rough around the edges (which is to be expected from all of tonight's couples, really), it's the sort of thing that wouldn't look out of place on the main show, except for the fact that there are fuckloads of lifts in it. Then again, after this year, does anyone even know when you're allowed to lift and when you're not any more? It's a good, peppy, fun routine anyway, and a great start to the show. Also, it's brilliant to finally see what Kristina can pull off when you give her a decent partner. Take note, producers in charge of casting for the 2011 series.

Bruce offers a Christmas welcome to the judges, who will all be "playing pantomime characters that really suit them" - Alesha is Beauty in Beauty and the Beast, Bruno is The Beast, Len is in Snow White and the SEV-UNN Dwarves, and Craig is a wicked queen. Ahh, festive homophobia. [And I'm so sick of Bruce calling Alesha "beautiful" all the time. Sexist pig. - Carrie] No Christmas is complete without it! Len says that BARROWMAN "jingled my bells out there" (knowing BARROWMAN, I wouldn't put it past him, but you'd think he'd at least wait until the after-party) and that it was full-on and a fabulous dance. Alesha thinks BARROWMAN was so springy he almost took off, and loved his solo section at the beginning. Bruno leaps out of his chair and says that dazzlers don't come more dazzling than BARROWMAN. "Is there anything you can't do - or that you haven't done, by the way?" he asks. Hee. Craig finishes by saying that he wishes he could be as enthusiastic as Bruno, but BARROWMAN lost a bit of body contact in hold and there was a little stumble moment, but it was light and bright, and he loved the "homage to Brucie at the beginning". Kristina is all "is this really happening? Fuck me!" and they scoot up to the Tess Circle.

BARROWMAN says that he watches the show all the time, and to perform on the Christmas special is a dream come true. Tess asks him if he's here for the dancing or the sequins, and BARROWMAN says that he's here for the sequins, and his proviso for doing the show was that he wanted to be covered in bling. [I actually love Barrowman. He is lolarious. And sometimes he even means to be. - Carrie] BARROWMAN says that he's so happy and pleased that he was asked to be on the show. Scores: Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 10 for a total of 37. Kristina is all "I am completely unfamiliar with these numbers, someone please explain." BARROWMAN says that Kristina is brilliant and beautiful, and Tess thinks they've set the standard for the evening.

Ronni and Anton are the second couple of the evening. Ronni introduces herself in her VT by saying that she's been a comedy actress for years, but people probably know her best for her impressions. We see a clip of her Nigella impression, which is actually pretty good, but Ronni thinks she's best known for her Posh Spice impression - even though it sounds about as much like Posh Spice as I do Angela Merkel. Seriously, every time I see that impression I wonder if Ronni Ancona has actually ever heard Victoria Beckham talking. I have my doubts. Ronni says that she's worried about being herself on the dance floor, as well she might be. She feeds Anton a mince pie, and reveals that she's dancing a "Viennese whirl". There are some "jokes" about Ronni teaching Anton everything she knows about dancing, and I'm guessing this is why her material is usually written by other people. Ronni hopes she can retain "one small modicum of dignity", and Anton thinks it'd be good if they got marks for excitement.

They're dancing to 'It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year', and it opens with a big lift, which looks nice, but things fall apart somewhat when Ronni is required to actually dance. She seems to have balance issues and stumbles around the floor like Bambi on the ice. In hold, she's not too bad, but anything that requires her not to be guided by Anton is a bit of a mess. Even the in-hold sections aren't entirely free from errors - there's a near-toppling at one point when they change direction at the top of the stage, and you can see the tension on her face whenever the camera's up close. It's a bit uncomfortable to watch, to be honest. I think she might have been better off taking part in the full series (and I suspect she probably does have the time) where she'd have had more thorough training, because the basics are there, she just needs a lot more work.

She stumbles with exaggerated dizziness over to Bruce, and claims that she bribed everyone in the audience to give her a standing O. It probably only took about 20p per person, you know what this lot are like. Bruce thanks DaveArch, who is wearing a festive hat. Alesha tells Ronni that she had nothing to worry about - it was shaky and skippy at times, but there were nice moments when she got into hold, especially the lifts. Ronni interjects and says that she was actually doing "the Vauxhall waltz", which is supposed to be skippy and jerky. I don't know whether she means the car manufacturer or the area in south London, but I don't suppose it really matters either way. Bruno thinks she's overdone it with the eggnog, and was unsteady out of hold, but when she was back in hold, it was nice. Craig tells her she had major balance issues throughout, and the spins were a bit of a disaster. "I thought they were quite good," whimpers Ronni, going on to point out that "we did have to follow a West End star", and she laughs nervously. I'm sure she meant that to be a good-humoured joke, but I did think it came across a little bit overly-defensive. It's Christmas, Ronni! Just relax and have another After Eight - none of this shit matters to anyone except BARROWMAN anyway. [And she may have been a bit rubbish, but she [was light years better than Anton's partner on the last series. - Carrie] Len says that in hold Ronni was a Christmas cracker, and the lifts were good, but out of hold she was unsure of herself and looked like a duck on ice. "That's the Vauxhall waltz, it's very important to be a duck on ice," Ronni clarifies. I'd say she needs to quit while she's ahead, but that would've probably necessitated her quitting about three weeks ago.

Bruce ushers then up to the Tess Circle, and they take about 20 years to get there, and Tess asks Ronni if this has fulfilled all of her dreams as a Strictly fan. Ronni says this is the most stressful way to get a free hairdo she's ever encountered. Tess asks her if it was worth it, and Ronni says she thinks so, at least until she got to the judges. Anton is asked for his feedback, and Anton blahs that she was fantastic, and the judges just don't understand. He's so on autopilot right now. Scores: Craig 6, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Ronni purses her lips very tightly indeed.

Next up are Vince and Erin. Bruce cracks a joke about Peter Mandelson wanting to come on the show and do the Viennese waltz, but they didn't know how to stop him spinning. LULZ. Vince talks about how hard it is to be a cabinet minister, especially when you hate the Tories, and he's a bit serious because it's a very serious job. But not so serious that he couldn't take a bit of time off to trot around the dance floor, evidently. He's dancing with Erin, which he declares "a perfect coalition". Erin adds that she thinks they should "run the country". HELL YES. Erin And The Telestrator For Prime Minister - the campaign starts here. Vince says that he's somewhat reluctant to suggest that to "Mr Cameron". Call him Dave, Vince! He's a man of the people, remember! They will be doing a foxtrot, and Erin points out that Vince is not an actor, a singer or a performer, so she has to teach him to act as well as dance. [Haha, Erin, are you seriously saying that a career politician has no idea how to maintain a facade? - Carrie] Vince says that smiling will be the difficult thing. Vince hopes that he can win, and lighten the mood of the country. Oh, Vince. You're a Liberal Democrat. The best you can hope for is that BARROWMAN won't have enough votes for a clear majority and will need you to be his kingmaker. (BITING POLITICAL SATIRE!) (Also, this is one hell of a disturbing metaphor when BARROWMAN represents David Cameron and/or the Conservative Party.)

They're dancing to 'Winter Wonderland', and I'm not crazy about Vince's posture, but the dance itself is rather nice - he's not doing too bad a job of performing it, though you can spot that he's the only person tonight who's not an entertainer by trade. He and Erin even do a little "waving on the doorstep of Number Ten" moment at the end of it.

Bruce asks Vince if he would like to do that with Theresa May. Erin looks at him all, "say yes and I will kill you, cameras or no cameras." Bruno thinks it was "as elegant, charming and smooth as our esteemed judge Len Goodman" - so, not very, then? Craig thinks he was really leading the dance, that there was beautiful rise and fall, but "you do have a tendency to lean slightly to the right." HA! What's brilliant is that no one in the studio gets this for a good five seconds or so, apart from BARROWMAN, who's guffawing up in the Tess Circle, and Fern, who's making an "ooh, risqué!" face just across from him. Len tells Vince that he was great, and technically sound, and he's just going to ignore that his posture needed work. Alesha admits that she's danced with Vince before, so she expected him to be good, and he didn't let her down. He was a bit unsteady very occasionally, but his footwork was great and he led Erin around the floor very well.

Up in the Tess Circle, Vince admits to being pleasantly surprised by the judges' feedback, and credits Erin for bringing that performance out of him. Erin tells him that he was lovely to dance with. Tess asks if Widdy gave him any tips, and Vince says that she really enjoyed taking part, and that encouraged him to do it. "Did she really?" asks Tess, who clearly was not paying attention at all. Tess asks him what's more scary: the opposition, or Craig, and Vince thinks that Gordon Brown's a pussycat compared to Craig. Tess asks if the PM's watching this tonight (undoubtedly, since the Conservative Party is unreservedly supportive of the BBC and in no way in hock to Rupert Murdoch or anything), and Vince says that the show is "coalition politics at its best". Helpful, since we know all know what he thinks of coalition politics. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 36.

Our penultimate couple are Fern and Matt, who will be dancing the jive. Bloody hell - that's not something I'd want to attempt with the reduced training time they have on this show. Considering everyone else has been given a ballroom routine so far, I'd say the odds are not in Fern's favour here. Fern says in her VT that she's best known for presenting This Morning, and in the last 18 months she's written a book and done an interview with some bloke who done a war. She says that she doesn't mind making a fool of herself, which is rather helpful. She's very excited to have Matt as her partner, and thinks you couldn't ask for a better present - although Matt begs to differ, because he would like a yacht. Fern confesses in rehearsals that she doesn't like the jive, and is fearful for her bosom. They fall and laugh a lot in rehearsals, and it looks like they had a lot of fun, so that's nice. Fern says that she's always best in soft focus, and advises anyone watching who isn't drunk already to go and get another drink now. Works for me!

Their routine is to 'Step Into Christmas', and it starts out reasonably well, as Fern does some good twirls, and there's a good lift at the start. She's got a good sense of rhythm and some of the early kicks are pretty good, but when they get to the chorus and there's a whole protracted kicks and flicks section, she comes apart a bit, because her movements are a bit laboured. I don't think it's a particularly poor performance under the circumstances, but it's not objectively a great jive. Her free arm is terrible, though, and just dangles limply most of the way through the routine, even when it's clearly supposed to be pointing somewhere. However, credit to them both for incorporating a bit where Fern does a backflip, resting on Matt's arm - that's quite brave. [I just watched Matt. I love to watch the Cutler. Not in a stalkery or peeping Tom way. - Carrie]

Craig says that the kicks and flicks were a little lame, but that's his only gripe - he thought she coped very well with all the changes of rhythm and her timing was excellent. Fern blows him a kiss. Len compares it to a trifle - fruity up the top, but a bit spongey down below. Which part's the custard, though? Alesha says it was sexy and flirty and a bit cheeky, and says that Fern's in good hands with Matt. She thinks it could've been sharper, but it was full of personality and Fern was wonderful to watch. Bruno thought it was lively and vivacious with plenty of Christmas spice, and he thinks she's got great musicality and lovely legs.

Up in the Tess Circle, Fern makes it her top priority to give Matt a hug and a kiss, as any sane woman would, and says she's very happy with having been on the show. Tess asks Fern if her husband BILLY CONNOL--oops, sorry, force of habit. If her husband, Phil Vickery, would be happy with that, and Phil gives her a thumbs-up from the audience. Scores: Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Fern's happy with that score, and is happy to be here on Christmas Day. "On Christmas Day." Then Fern's segment is over, and everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief, Fawlty Towers-style, that they got through it without mentioning the gastric band.

Finally, we have June and Vincent. Bruce reminds us that June is 83, and cracks the obligatory gag about her being older than he is. By one whole year. Whoop-de-doo. June says that she's best known as Dot Cotton, but she'd rather be known as a wonderful classical actress - though she admits, giggling, that this is not the case. She thinks she's the oldest person who's ever been asked to do Strictly, but she doesn't feel or act 83. "I'm just frightened I might fall over," she chuckles. They're dancing a tango, and June's disappointed that Vincent doesn't want her to do anything exciting. "I think he thinks I move like an old person," she complains. They also appear to be having fun in rehearsals, as June giggles that she "almost got [her] bum out" at one point. If I can be half as awesome as June is when I'm 83 - assuming I make it that far - then I shall be a very happy man. June jokes that she might be able to incorporate the clicking of her arms as castanets. She says that she's hopeless at all of this, and it's just like how she was never good at being able to pat her head and rub her stomach at the same time. "I shall never be a Flavia," she tells Vincent.

Their tango is to Alma Cogan's 'Never Do A Tango With An Eskimo', a song which is played repeatedly in my office in the run-up to Christmas, so the merest snippet of it is usually enough to send me on some sort of killing spree. I shall do my best to restrain myself, however. Their routine involves Vincent as a greasy Italian waiter (showing his full range as an actor here) who's attempting to seduce a haughty June. The expression of horror on her face throughout is priceless, and Vincent has choreographed a lot of eskimo kisses into the routine, having recently graduated from the Brian Friedman School Of Unnecessarily Literal Choreography. It's all a bit slow and delicate, but June has some nice footwork and they pull off some good lifts, and the whole thing is pleasingly theatrical.

Len says that he liked the story of the Italian waiter trying to get her to sample his bolognese. Alesha loved the drama and the storytelling, and then goes to the Obligatory Alesha Judging An Older Lady Place by telling June that she is a legend and an inspiration. June swats at Bruce for telling people she's 83 and protests that she's only 70. Heh. Bruno spouts a lot of nonsense about playing hard to get, but does not comment on the dancing. Craig says that there wasn't a lot of dance to judge, but what there was, June did with passion and commitment. June interjects that Barbara Windsor had said to her that Craig had said she would bring some class to the show, and she was terribly frightened about disappointing him, so she offers to do a waltz for him instead. Hee.

June thanks all the judges politely as she heads up to the Tess Circle, and then tells Tess to cram it with the constant references to her age. June likes what the make-up people did to her eyes, anyway. Tess asks June if Dot might want to come on the show, and June says that Dot loves dancing, but she wouldn't go for Vincent because she doesn't like younger men. Scores: Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 8 and Bruno 7 for a total of 28. June thinks she should've got more than that just for her style. Hee.

Leaderboard: BARROWMAN and Kristina are top, Vince and Erin are second, Fern and Matt are third, and Ronni and Anton and June and Vincent are tying for last place. Ronni has the misfortune to be sat right behind Tess throughout all of this, looking miserable in front of nine million viewers.

Video recap, for those of us who may have had a turkey and/or alcohol related blackout during the course of the show. I'm not recapping it - everything you need to know is up there, look.

After that, the votes are being counted, so Bruce welcomes the winners of Last Choir Standing (remember that?), Only Men Aloud, with a festive melody. I suspect he means "medley", since they're blending 'Silent Night' and 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'. Kristina and Robin come on to dance in front of them and do a rather enjoyable little showcase. That's really all there is to say about it.

Once that's over, Bruce reminds us that we'll have a special performance from the "stars of 2010" soon, but first, it's time for the important business - finding out who won the Christmas special. Each couple gets a quick recap of their judges' comments - Tess repeats Craig's joke about Vince leaning to the right, and everyone makes a point of laughing at it quickly this time to show that they're politically aware. And the Christmas champions are...BARROWMAN and Kristina! They do a "you're the best" "no, you are" "no, you" sort of thing between them, and make their way over to the Christmas trophy, which they lift up - much to Bruce's annoyance, as he runs over and tells them to put it back. Heh. Tess congratulates the also-rans, who are already leaving by this point, and BARROWMAN says that it's about time that Kristina won. That's sweet, I guess. He says that he'd love to do the entire series if he had the time, and he's had a ball taking part in the special. Bruce finally allows them to take the Christmas trophy, but looks into the wrong camera as he makes the announcement. Professional!

To round the show off, we have the stars of 2010 dancing to 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day', which is opened by Bruno yelling "IT'S STRIIIIIIIIIICTLY!" Oh dear. Alesha kisses him under the mistletoe, though I would've thought she's had quite enough of his affections over the past few months. The top five do a Christmas-themed dance, which is kind of a really slow jive, while the band murder the song. All the girls (pros and contestants) go up to kiss the judges, although poor Alesha has to make do with being patted on the cheek by Natalie. lThe music segues into 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree' and becomes more of a foxtrot, although I guess it's a freestyle as much as it is anything at this point, and everyone's taking it very gently because they were all knackered by this point. The music then changes again into 'Merry Christmas Everyone' and includes some gender-bending hilarity when James "accidentally" tries to kiss Scott under the mistletoe, and then it becomes a free-for-all as the Christmas contestants and the judges all take to the floor. Craig's dancing at this point is terrifying. Alesha and Bruno do a little charleston. And there we have it! Hope you enjoyed the festive special, and we'll see you in the autumn for Strictly 2011!

A fine showmance

The GRAND FINAL
Tx Saturday 18th December 2010

So! Previously on Strictly! People danced! Previously today I set out for London and travelled three miles in three hours and have had all my festive plans for the night cancelled and had to go back to the bloody provinces where my parents live and I'm really pissed off, so I'm in no mood for the kind of shit Strictly can churn out when it's not on form - so this had BETTER BE GOOD.

We begin with a pathetic scripted piece performed by BBC News staff about a "virus" striking all of the UK as from three months ago, the only cure being, of course, to sit on your sofa and watch Strictly every Saturday (and vote, obviously). Tess breaks in to tell us that Pamela, Matt and Kara are dancing tonight for the chance to win the glitterball trophy, and the engraver is standing by. Oh, but we mustn't forget that this series has really been all about Ann sodding Widdecombe. For. Fuck's. Sake. She's GONE, must we continue with the charade that she was in any way entertaining?

Titles!

We open with a pro dance to Eye of the Tiger. Brendan is loving exeerting his alpha maleness amidst a throng of Robin, Vincent, Anton and Jared. Their lady partners are in black underwear and a face cloth. Then the finalists come out in boxer-esque dressing gowns. And then we hear the announcement, "Let's get ready to rumba!" Was that all just an elaborate set-up for that gag? [Considering Kara was the only contestant planning a rumba for this evening, it seems even more bizarre. - Steve]

Right, Bruce and Tess are here. Let's get on. She's looking very nice in a white dress and a silver strap. Well done, Tess! Time enough for a quick gag at Paul Daniels' and Ann Widdecombe's expense? Oh, I think so. Bruce then utterly cocks up his tenses, which makes it sound as if the results have already been decided. Tess takes us through the rules as always, because we are utter idiots who can't remember what the point of this show is from one week to the next. Oh, no, that's Len.

Matt and Aliona are first to dance tonight. Their Strictly Story is prefaced by a quick weather report from Bruce, seriously. Matt tells us that it's been emotional, and whines a bit more about the judges "hurting" him. Oh, shut up, Baker. I'd hurt you a lot more given the opportunity. He initially thought that Strictly would be light and fluffy, but he soon learnt, and very much enjoyed incorporating (pointless) props into his routines. He thinks he and Aliona think similarly, and then Aliona sniffs, "I'm sure the other contestants will say they have been on a journey, but I really have been." To be fair, she has been on a literal journey, following Baker around the country like a puppydog as he tries to do two jobs at once. Quick mention of their QUEST FOR TENS, satisfied in BLACKPOOL, as if we could forget. Yawn.

Right, it's their BLACKPOOL samba to Young Hearts Run Free, with its grotesque amounts of grinding and a nonsensical amount of gymnastics. The audience go mental, and Bruce exclaims at how exciting it is to see the amount of appreciation, as if they're not told to cheer like sheep. He then introduces the judges with some really inept jokes, as if you couldn't have guessed that; Alesha is wearing a claret-red satin dress with a crazily large ruffle on the shoulder. Len has the flu, apparently. Alesha thinks it was the best samba of the series. Bruno thinks it was even better than it was in BLACKPOOL. Craig says it was all good, including the "torrid" hip action.

Tess welcomes them up in the Tess Circle, where the losers are all hanging round. Matt says he wanted that routine to be a celebration. Perhaps you should have danced to Celebration then? Scores - Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Tess says we should vote for Matt if we want his new nickname to be Glitterballs. Why on earth would we want that?

Kara and Artem next. Bruce utterly fucks up the delivery to his creepy gag about how gorgeous Kara is. Now their Strictly Story! Kara says reaching the final of Strictly Come Dancing is one of the biggest achievements of her life. There then follows a moment of epic brilliance from the fx team as Kara confesses she originally wanted to dance with James (sound effect: a whip cracking) or Anton (sound effect: a comedy car horn). She says it took her a few weeks to get going properly, and says the Phantom routine was the first time she did well. She reminisces about the wonder of BLACKPOOL. She then reels off her scripted lines about how much she loves Artem. Except she can't get through them without laughing and sobbing all at once. What a strange little girl. [I'm understanding where the phrase "tired and emotional" came from more and more with each series. - Steve] Artem says their partnership has been special because they are IN LOVE AND GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE TESS SAID SO. Kara likens Strictly to "a life camp" and says it has been one of the most amazing experiences of her life.

They're doing their rumba, which is incredible, and not just because Artem has his chest out. They're dancing amidst much less dry ice this time as well, but with the same amount of chemistry as previously. Gorgeous stuff. After thanking the singers, Dave Arch, and who could forget his wonderful orchestra, Bruce throws to Alesha, who is crying. For goodness sake. MAN UP, DIXON. Bruno says it was a glorious rumba of hypnotic beauty. Craig says Bruno is absolutely right. Everyone whoops. This is because Craig is the only judge worth listening to. He then points out an illegal lift and everyone boos. Bruce says, "We can tell you've never had an illegal lift." [Good job it wasn't Bruno he had to say that to, because Bruno seems to get an illegal lift right before the show every week. - Steve] Len says that routine reminds him of himself - irritating, inconsistent and tiresome? No, "the more you see it, the better it gets". Tess rubbishes the idea of there being an illegal lift, and then everyone boos Craig for being the only judge never to award her a 10. "I'm not going to ASK him for it," declares Kara. Quite right too. If you ten-grubbed, that'd make you as bad as Matt. Scores - Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Artem cries.

Bruce introduces Pamela and James by likening himself to Pamela through their shared sexiness and sensuality. Their Strictly Story - Pamela mocking James for crying, her husband who is BILLY CONNOLLY poking his nose in, her saying it was weird to get back in the limelight despite trading on her former celebrity to flog her psychological "insights". James says he didn't think they'd get any further than halfway; Pamela says that it's been the most fun experience of her entire life. That doesn't speak well for her life with her HUSBAND then, does it? James wells up a bit when he says that Pamela has made him proud of her. Pamela says that people of her age (NB: 61) sometimes feel invisible [perhaps because people only think of them in terms of the people TO WHOM THEY ARE MARRIED? - Steve], and she hopes she can maintain this positive feeling.

They're reprising their dance to Unchained Melody. Let's hope the singers can make a better fist of the upper register bits this time, eh? The routine is as elegant and old-style Hollywood as previously. Backstage, Katya looks like she's crying. Why is everyone so WEEPY on this show? Bruno says it was beautiful and focused - "simply brilliant. Craig says it was simple and effective and likes that they play by the rules. Len interjects that the correct three have got into the final. Oh, shut up, Len, it's got fuck-all to do with you anyway. Lest we forget, you gave a 7 to Ann and Anton, thus your opinion is entirely invalid forever. Pamela tells Tess that routine is BILLY CONNOLLY's favourite. James tells us that this is his first final in five years, and he would like a glitterball to have as a bookend to Ola's. Scores - Craig 10, Len 10, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a perfect score. If the scores meant anything tonight, I might attempt to deconstruct that, but I really can't be arsed. Tess then reads out the voting numbers, naming only the celebrities, not their partners. How rude.

Bruce introduces the showdance by talking utter gibberish, just to make a change. Matt and Aliona will go first. She says the showdance is the most important one of the night, which is obviously why they're dancing it second of four. Matt reminds us how much strength and energy it takes. And they dance theirs to I Like The Way You Move, complete with two golden haybales. I say "dance", this is a string of acrobatics and feats of strength. Aliona is RUBBISH. This is alongside Erin's dreadful idea of the bloody blow-up dolls in terms of showdance fails. [Don't forget this one. - Steve] Len says with a showdance you want a routine that makes you feel good and that inspires you. "A few too many stunts and tricks for me," he says, which is entirely true. Alesha liked the tricks and street-dancing and notes that it was nice to see him showing off his gymnastic ability, and Bruno says he had no idea that Matt had so many tricks up his sleeve with the gymnastics...and I suspect Alesha and Bruno have agreed to take the piss out of this pair, haven't they? Craig thought it was too static and it didn't flow or link together. "The whole idea and concept didn't completely come together," he concludes. Matt says they wanted to lay all their cards on the table, which seem to be entirely gymnastic-performing cards on that evidence, but he reminds us that he competed when he was a teenager, not a big grown-up man. Scores - Craig 7, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Aliona glares at Craig and says, "We're used to it." Matt enlightens us that he would love to win. O rly?

Kara and Artem next. Bruce says, "I wonder what special tricks they've got lined up?" Having sex live on television if Tess had her way, I'll be bound. Kara VTs about how much rests on the single performance - "either everyone will love it, or we'll end up in a heap and they'll be calling an ambulance." Oh Kara, talk about tempting fate. They're doing a jive-flavoured routine to Don't Stop Me Now, complete with Freddie Mercury outfits. It's an amazing piece of work, complete with air guitar, and Kara does some gymnastic feats of her own. Somewhere along the way she hurts her arm, because by the end she can't hold on to him properly. Craig notes a ruined lift; Len thinks it was too fast; Alesha loved it; and Bruno too was disappointed with the "incidents". As they run up to the Tess Circle, Kara's right arm is hanging fairly uselessly at her side. Tess asks her about the rumour that Artem let her choreograph some of the routine. "Yes, two seconds!" she exclaims. "It was more than that," says an embarrassed Artem. "OK, three," she concludes. Scores - straight nines. 36 out of 40. Tess asks Kara what she'll do with her weekends now. Brendan makes suggestive comments, as if we would expect anything else from him.

Pamela and James to finish. He says he will push her RIGHT TO THE EDGE, even though she is older (please note, she is 61) than Kara and Matt put together. They're dancing to (I've Had) The Time Of My Life. Somewhere backstage, Brendan is being held back as he shouts, "I'VE GOT COPYRIGHT ON ALL DIRTY DANCING ROUTINES EVER, JORDAN!" It's a nice routine, though with an excruciating ending which doesn't even fit with the routine where Pamela flies through James's legs and we get a crotch shot. Not needed. Alesha thinks it was a brilliant song choice and the routine was perfectly played with a lot of dance content. Bruno enthuses about how great Dirty Dancing is. Craig points out a stumble and James apologises because it was his fault - "I DID notice," retorts Craig. Len likes that they put in elements of different dances they've performed over the course of the series. "A medley of lovely things!" screeches Bruce. Up in the Tess Circle, James apologises to Pamela. Get that clipped, BBC - this may be the first recorded incident of James Jordan apologising to anyone. Tess tells Pamela she is an inspiration to women, and neatly Pamela thanks all the women AND MEN who have voted for her. James says, "Nobody puts Granny in a corner." Lolarity ensues. Scores - all 9s apart from a 10 from Bruno.

Right, that's the first section of the show over with. The utterly superfluous leaderboard has Pamela and James at the top, Matt and Aliona at the bottom. What will happen? Wait an hour and you'll find out...

Results show

Tess does a dramatic voiceover telling us there have been hundreds of dances and thousands of hours of training and millions of votes cast, and so on. The mini-titles kick in and Bruce welcomes us back. The lemmings in the audience scream as Tess reads out the contestants' names and announces that the lines have now been FROZEN, much like the UK's ROAD SYSTEM. Bruce tells us that we should prepare for the loser procession. Hooray!

Montage! Artem and his bosom are proud of Kara. Matt warmed up backstage for his acrobatic routine masquerading as a showdance. Kara says she hasn't done a backflip since she was 11, which is probably why she hurt her arm, and then she cried. Matt says winning would be magnificent. Kara tries to do a plea for votes but she's got a lump in her throat. Pamela leaps up and down with glee at the prospect of the Argentine tango.

Back to the studio, where one couple will LEAVE. Who will it be? Why, it's Pamela and James with the fewest number of votes. Billy Connolly, who is PAMELA'S HUSBAND, looks sad and applauds. Bruce patronises Pamela a bit and then she does her thank-you spiel, telling James he has made it the most joyful experience she has had in a long time, and thanks him for his patience. Is that the same James Jordan? Quick compilation of Pamela's highlights - Alesha saying she was born to dance, lots of Pamela's clothes being romved, James shouting at Pamela and her laughing at him, talking about BILLY CONNOLLY.

So now Matt and Aliona must take on Kara and Artem. All votes have been carried over, and the lines are now OPEN again as the couples prepare to dance once more.

Matt and Aliona are dancing a paso. Matt talks about it being the last week of dancing and wanting it to be a celebration "of what we've done" - so, gymnastics, mostly? He will miss Aliona's drive and methods and shouting - but not her choreography, unsurprisingly. Aliona likes that Matt has enjoyed the intesity of their training.

Matt has his acting face on and some decent shaping in his arms before his hands transmogrify into squashed spiders. He lets a smile cross his face every so often, and the end goes a bit disco. Not enough attack for my liking, but admittedly I'm biased because I loathe them. Len notes that Matt lacked "that haughty matador look" and concludes it was OK but not fantastic. Alesha says that the paso is made for him - "you come alive in the tangos and the pasos", despite him having not done a paso before. Bruno agrees with Len and then shouts over the idiot audience. Craig "rather liked it" and Alesha collapses with laughter. Tess asks: "Fair comments?" and Matt says, "Yeah, well, whatever." Oh Matt, you are NOT WINNING ME OVER. Then again, I don't suppose you care because you've got the rest of the public convinced that you're a such a nice young man. Scores - Craig 9, Len 8, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

Kara and Artem walk past my road on their VT, which must mean they've been training at the Virgin Active near me. How did I not know this? Kara reminisces that she will miss coffee breaks and lunch with him (though I have no idea where they'll be eating in Cricklewood); Artem will miss her changing her hair and clothes every three minutes. Kara buys him a vocoding megaphone to use on his next student. Of course, most of all they'll miss each other, but there's no reason to because of course they will be getting married just to shut Tess up.

Aw, they're dancing to If You Don't Know Me By Now. Kara seems to be suffering a few ill-effects from her injury as her feet seem weird as she completely cocks up at the end and he has to haul her across the floor. Still, it's pretty and graceful, as Kara always is. Except when she falls over. Alesha notes the understated performance and says Kara is a great example of what can be achieved. Bruno says it's as if they are playing the music with their bodies - "if you can't see that you're BLIND!" Craig noticed the wobbles and the adjustments but still thinks Kara is the most amazing dancer he has seen on the competition. Len says there were "a few foot-things" but the performance was great. Tess asks whether they think they'll get a 10 from Craig for this one (clearly not), and Kara just ignores the question and decides just to thank everyone for voting and explain that she can't straighten her arm because it's knackered. Kara says it's an emotional evening, and then Tess brilliantly says, "But it doesn't take much for you two to start sobbing." Scores - 9s from Craig and Len, 10s from Alesha and Bruno, for a total of 38.

Time for loser montage - clips of Goldie and Kristina; Paul and Ola; Peter and Erin (nice glimpse of the WAITE in the results show); Tina and CHICKENPOX and Jared; Jimi and Flavia; Michelle and Brendan; Felicity being bendy and Vincent being creepy and tiny; Patsy and Robin and the vests and no confidence; the forces of right-wing evil; Gavin and his self-deprecating metrosexuality and Katya; and of course Scott and Natalie. Let's hope for some epic Natalie Lowe faces on her return. Are they going to dance? Apparently not. Booo. Jimi does a really sarcastic interview with Tess, as does Felicity, and Tess doesn't appear to notice. Ann says she and Anton would have flown in for their showdance and "danced in the air". Gavin says that he's glad to be back playing rugby. Everyone squeals. Michelle goes a bit crazy [just for a change - Steve] in affirming how much she has been watching the show. Patsy has been doing the school run and dancing round the kitchen. Tess then tries to get people to commit to saying who they think will win. They all just bellow at her.

Back to Bruce, and it's one last dance for the couples, playing their "best hand" - their best routine of the series. Matt and Aliona are doing their Viennese waltz of mentalness danced to the song about murder with a Brian Friedman memorial swing in the middle of the floor. Bruno says it was a very nice waltz, and both he and Craig call Matt "darling". Craig thinks the thumbs were better, but the head was worse. Heh. Len says Matt is an excellent dancer and an excellent ballroom dancer, and comments on a problem with the fleckerling. Aliona pulls a face of "Well, I didn't notice it, so it COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED." Len says it was hardly worth mentioning, and Bruce asks, "Well, why did you then?" Um, because it's his job? Matt says the whole experience has been "dreamy" and that they will leave with their heads held high whatever happens. Scores - Craig 9, Len 9, Alesha 10 and Bruno 9 for a total of 37. Matt brags about how their programme tonight has tried to demonstrate as much "diversity" as possible.

Kara and Artem are dancing the American smooth that broke Artem's neck earlier in the series. When Artem takes her arm to lift her, it genuinely looks like she's trying not to scream. Oh, poor Kara. Some good fake smiling going on. And it's still a magnificent routine. Artem is such a lovely choreographer. At the end, Kara marches over to Bruce as instructed and Artem just stands back to let her take the applause. "I would kill to be able to dance like that," says Craig. Len says, "Unfortunately..." and Kara starts to spew apologies before he even starts to criticise the amount of time spent in hold. Alesha says they have been a delight to watch, and that Kara is a beautiful woman inside and out. Bruno calls it an inspired performance. Artem starts to blub a bit and Tess tells him off. Kara says they did the American smooth despite Len not liking it because she likes it. HA. GO KARA! Tess nudge-nudges about Artem taking Kara out on a date. Shut up, Tess. Scores - Craig 10, Len 7 (fuck off, Len), Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 37. That secures them the top spot with the judges, with 150 points to Matt and Aliona's 144, as if it matters.

Ooh, some filler! Who knew? Strictly red carpet launch, pros dancing, random members of the public lying about their favourite moments of the series. This is not a patch on the gospel choir singing "We want Alesha to win Strictly Come Dancing!", which was my favourite thing ever. A lady says she would like to run her fingers through Scott's chest hair. Ew. A small child mocks Bruno's accent, the racialist. I get utterly bored with this montage and stop watching. Sorry. Steve might have paid more attention. [I was too busy voting for Kara. Sorry readers. - Steve]

Ooh, more filler! And hooray, all the contestants take to the floor. Ola circles Paul in her patented "can't be arsed" choreography; some sicko cameraman does several close-ups of Michelle's arse. Then the decentish dancers come in to jive a bit. Brendan is singing. Gavin gets his tits out, hooray! Widdecombe gets to do a floor spin, because of course everything is about her. I half-think Michelle has never seen this routine ever before. Then there's a bit where she just has to walk a few steps forward, which she's had several years of practice at. Gavin pulls an epic "is this over?" face at Katya, which directly precedes a giant lift or two. Everyone beams and cheers. Hooray for this series' losers!

LINES HAVE NOW CLOSED. Dramarama!

Matt talks about how amazing Aliona is, and the judges have made him believe he can dance, because he is so humble, just like Danyl JOHNSON. He reminds us of how much he fucking ten-trolled for weeks. Then Kara says that Strictly has been everything she thought "and so much more". She feels like a different human being to the one who started the competition three months ago. Artem finds her laughter "irresistible"; Kara says she and Artem are friends for life. Oh, don't sleep with him then. It'll ruin it.

Right, time for the MOMENT OF TRUTH. And the winners of Strictly Come Dancing 2010 are...Kara and Artem! As they should be. Well done them both. Matt does a bit of humbling and says if he were at home then he'd be voting for Kara and Artem too. Hey ho. Just like Eoghan QUIGG, Matt is far less objectionable when you know he's not going to win. Kara and Artem, obviously, are sobbing, because that's what they do; Kara thanks him, Artem calls her amazing, they lift the glitterball trophy and the singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra play us out with "She's The Greatest Dancer." Artem grabs Kara and forces her a bit into a snog, which is a little bit odd and uncomfortable, but how else could this forced-showmance series end? Apart from perhaps a glittery ambulance driving on to the floor to get that girl to a hospital.

Well, it's been a definite improvement on the past few series, that's for sure. Worthiest winner since Queen Alesha. We'll be back on Christmas Day for the special, featuring Fern Britton, Ronni Ancona and THE BARROWMAN, and we'll be over at Bitching on Ice at the start of January when C-list celebrities at best take on the danger of the blades. Thanks for your company this series, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Aliona likes having sequins on her face.
- There's going to be a Strictly-themed episode of A Question of Sport shown over Christmas. Why? Beats us.
- Anton's left foot is two inches bigger than his right foot. Apparently.
- Claudia likes it when Bruno grabs Alesha.
- The dances for Saturday will be the contestants' highest-scoring dance, a dance of their choosing, a dance they have not yet attempted, and the freestyle showdance.
- Artem danced his rumba with James when Kara wasn't around. James looked a little bit too into it, if you ask us.
- Len's favourite name is Poppy, and his second favourite name is Becky.
- The first thing Erin thinks of in the morning is a cup of tea.
- Erin aspires to be Sarah Beeny. Then again, don't we all? And apparently Sarah Beeny has always wanted to be a dancer. If this doesn't lead to a Freaky Friday-style spinoff, we don't know what will.
- If Bruce were a dance, he'd be a tango.
- Vincent would like to be a model if he weren't a dancer. But he doesn't want to be a hand model.
- Matt and Aliona's showdance will be the coolest thing Aliona has danced throughout her career. We imagine the competition for that particular accolade is VAST.
- Your mind and your body are two separate things. THANKS FOR THAT BRAND NEW INFORMATION, MATT BAKER.
- Robin loves the movie Big. It's possible he just jumped to conclusions after hearing the title, though.
- The glitterball trophy is much heavier than it looks.
- People now grasp hold of Ann in the street and ask her to dance with them. Freaks.
- Sarah Hadland, who plays Stevie in Miranda, had not committed fully to watching this series and therefore only made the "maybe" invite list to Miranda's Strictly Soiree.
- Claudia has murdered the Telestrator. RIP Telestrator. :(

Fleeing double

Semi-final, part two: 11th December 2010

Tess's mysterious glitterball (capable of predicting the past with 95% accuracy) informs us that it's Ballroom Judgement Night. I was under the impression that it had been thus every Saturday since the competition began, since all of those weeks have included Ballroom and Judgement. The glitterball dream remains alive for the final five, who have one last chance to convince the judges and the public that they deserve to make the final, even though most of the people voting probably made their minds up at least four weeks ago in terms of who they wanted to win. Last night, Gavin (unsurprisingly) and Matt (quite surprisingly) got negative reviews for their samba and salsa respectively, while Alesha declared Pamela a woman on a mission, whoa-oh-oh-oh-ooooooh, and also there was some kind of swingathon or something. This weekend, there's double the nerves, double the tension, and double the sad woobie faces of the recently eliminated. This! Is Strictly Come Dancing 2010!

Titles. I love how three of the semi-finalists are grouped together in this sequence, and also happen to be the three that I'm tipping for the final (that's Pamela, Matt and Kara, just in case you hadn't worked it out).

From Television Centre once again, we have a Bruce and we have a Tess. I think the fact that we have to endure her for three successive nights this week is going to put us all well over our Recommended Daly Allowance. Daly Dresswatch: an asymmetric purple number with one sleeve and one bare arm, which I rather like, although it does clamp down rather firmly around the boobs. She'll have someone's eye out with those. Vincent is in the audience, as is Zöe Lucker. Tess opines that last night's show was rather marvellous, and she particularly enjoyed the swingathon. Bruce was less keen, because those big flowery dresses worn by the ladies were made out of material nicked from his dressing room curtains. Wah wahhhh. Seriously, who made Bruce's dressing room curtains - Cath Kidston? Tess: "If you thought last night was good, wait 'til tonight." My boyfriend: "Um...I did?" Tess continues that as well as the five finalists, we also have five more people who never expected to make it this far: Take That. Karen Hardy applauds enthusiastically from the audience; I have a Robbie-and-Gary flashback from earlier in the series and bang my head against the wall.

Time to meet the stars of our show: Scott and Natalie, ready for a sailors' hornpipe; Matt and Aliona, ready for a performance of Bugsy Malone; Kara and Artem, ready for the new BBC3 documentary When Hair Extensions Attack; Pamela and James, ready for Bradford And Bingley: A Musical Love Story and Gavin and Katya, ready to be eliminated tomorrow. Bruce cracks a joke about it being hard to tell which are the celebrities and the professionals, because the pros are acting like divas. That's as close as it gets to a punchline, I'm afraid. Tess reminds us of the scores after last night, with Kara topping the leaderboard, Pamela in second, Scott third, Matt fourth (!) and Gavin fifth, and Bruce reminds us that the two couples with the lowest combined scores will be booted unceremoniously "tomorrow". "It's ballroom, baby, and people get hurt!" grins Tess. This goes down like the proverbial lead balloon.

First to dance tonight are Scott and Natalie, with their nautically-themed charleston. For tonight's show, each contestant is going to get Their Semi-Final Story for their VT, complete with judges' evaluations of their Journey. Scott's Argentine tango got "yeah, s'pose, it was all right *shrug*" responses from the panel last night, and Scott admits to being "a bit gutted" because he didn't do it as well as he should've done. The judges deliberate over Scott's progress, and Alesha states that he's had "ups and downs". The term is "rise and fall", Alesha, God, BRING BACK ARLENE. (Just kidding, I don't want Arlene back at all, don't try to recruit me for your Facebook petition.) Len reasons that when Scott's bad, he's terrible. They revisit his samba, and Len asks Craig if it really deserved a six. "No, when I look at it, it deserved a five," Craig retorts. Len scowls, Alesha claps. Len says that Scott has to become more consistent, and Craig cites Scott's problems with his hips. "They're either too soft or too stiff," agrees Len, "and I like a stiff one every time." Alesha collapses with giggles. The judges remember his jive fondly, but realise that nothing much of note followed it. His tendency to blank on the dancefloor recently has also been a problem. Len thinks charleston will suit him, while Craig thinks there's still a question mark over him. Alesha and Bruno agree that you never know what will happen. Scott vows to give it his best shot.

They're dancing to 'Anything Goes', and it's at this point that I realise I've never had the pleasure of seeing a Natalie Lowe Charleston Face before. I do hope I'm not going to be disappointed. It's a bit of a mixed bag, choreographically - Scott does well with the goofy swinging of his legs, but the parts that involve him supporting Natalie for the more gymnastic manoeuvres are quite stuttery, and his face looks quite nervous. His musicality in this song is pretty good, though, and he manages to flail his arms while still seeming in control, which is quite impressive. Speaking of impressive, there are many wonderful Natalie Lowe Charleston Faces, so I am very happy.

Bruce introduces the "wise old birds" that constitute the judges. Bruno is "an old mother hen" (homophobe!), Alesha is "as pretty as a peacock", Len has "the eyes of a hawk", and if Craig keeps upsetting people, he'll be "dead as a dodo". Oh dear. Bruce teases Bruno by letting him think that he's going to open for the judges but instead throws to Len, who says that the fight for the final starts now, and that charleston has done Scott no harm at all. He saw lots of the steps he wanted, was pleased that it wasn't too gimmick-heavy, and despite a few stumbles, he thought it was fun. Alesha thinks it was good old-fashioned entertainment with great swivels, and it was full of personality. Bruno thinks that "after seven months at sea you've found a flapper and you're ready for action." He thinks that Scott gave entertainment, exuberance and comedy in the dance, which is what the charleston needs. Craig didn't like the opening sequence and thought Scott overbalanced horribly in the dip, to the point of nearly dropping Natalie, but he thought that overall it was cute and quirky and he enjoyed it.

They run up to the Tess Circle - Natalie actually full-on flapper-runs up there, God bless her. Method to the very end, clearly - and Tess asks Scott how it's going, since he's done three dances in less than 24 hours. It doesn't really sound that strenuous when she puts it like that, does it? Scott burbles about being grateful to the viewers for saving him from the bottom two, even though those same viewers landed him there in the first place, and says that being so close to the final, he wants to go on and get better. Tess garbles that the next time they'll see him dancing will either be in the final or...never. Surely the next time we'll see him dance will be in the final either way? The eliminated celebrities all return for a last hurrah at that point, unless they're Tuffers and they're ill, or they're Laila Rouass and they don't really give a rat's ass. Scores: Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35, and an overall score of 70 for the weekend. Natalie declares that "beautiful" and they high-five.

The next couple is Kara and Artem, on second for the second night in a row. The judges loved their Viennese waltz last night and they got three tens for their troubles. However, Kara's still a Cautious Carol and notes that they can't rest on their laurels even though they're top of the leaderboard, because there's still another dance to come. Over to the judges: Len thinks Kara's talented, and Alesha thinks they're lucky to have such natural chemistry. Len worries that she's too careful and timid in her dances, like in her charleston, and says that great dancing is about "dancing on the edge". I would've thought that would give you terrible balance problems, myself. Alesha recalls Kara's paso doble, which Len thinks was her turning point. Alesha thinks Kara's coming out of her shell now. The judges are very excited to see her doing a rumba, and Alesha hopes she really lets go and gets emotionally involved with the dance. Craig thinks she needs to be perfect, and Kara admits that she's "a wobbly person", while Bruno thinks that a little stumble, should it happen, will prove a costly error. Kara VTs that she's made a few mistakes in the past (and her week one stumble rears its ugly head again) but she's going to have to go out and give a flawless performance if she wants to make the final.

Their rumba is to Santana's 'Samba Pa Ti', which is known to me for being a song that my dad plays a lot, but is known to nearly everyone else for being That Song Off The M&S Adverts, and as a result, Twitter explodes in a burst of "this is not just a rumba, this is an M&S rumba" for the next five minutes. The floor is swamped with dry ice, and the routine is full of daring moves, with lots of spins and stretches and dips, and Kara's precision really is something to be envied. Sadly, there's a point where Artem picks her up and twirls her around and I catch her foot losing contact with the floor, and I know Craig's going to pick her up on that and my heart sinks a little bit, but it's still an absolutely gorgeous routine. I'm not sure about Kara's dress, though - it basically looks like she's wearing a giant pink hanky held up with a bit of tit-tape.

Bruce congratulates Artem on the routine, and likens Kara's dress to blancmange. Bruce takes this time to welcome the fabulous singers and the wonderful orchestra, even though the music Kara just danced to was an instrumental. Then again, that's probably the best time to welcome the singers, as it's probably the point in the show where viewer goodwill towards them is likely to be at its highest. Alesha says that it's not often that a couple moves you emotionally, but she could watch Kara dance all night as she and Artem are mesmerising. She thinks it was just pure magic, and they mastered it technically and emotionally. Bruno growls that Kara is "a goddess of love" and thinks that the quality of her dancing was of a professional standard tonight. "You have to make the final," he insists, coming over all Louis Walsh suddenly. Craig declares it "almost perfect" and if they hadn't put "that lift" in, he may have "dusted off my ten". Kara murmurs that Craig was right last night, and then there's a moment where Kara turns to Artem and is all "I didn't take my foot off the floor...did I?" Sweetie, you did, and it pains me to admit it. Len tells Kara she's not supposed to dance that well, and he thinks she moved beautifully. Bruce loved that everything they did fitted the music, as if anyone cares.

Up in the Tess Circle, Kara confesses that she's never been so nervous, and says that "you can fall over so easily", clearly tearing up as she says this, and then she suddenly realises that she's sounding rather sob-approaching and goes "oh God!" and clamps her hand over her mouth rather adorably, giggling. Tess tells them they made it look easy, and Kara says that if that's the case, it's all thanks to Artem. Tess decides not to revisit liftgate, and at this point Kara has basically decided to stop talking entirely lest she start crying properly this time, so we move straight to judges' scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39, with their combined score coming to 83. Tess gets them to beg for a spot in the final, and Kara teases that Artem has awesome showdance plans, should they make it that far.

Matt and Aliona are up next, and we're reminded that they got poor reviews for their salsa. Afterwards, a stony-faced Matt walks past the waiting camera crew, as a crew member asks if he's all right and gets a sullen "yeah" in response as Matt strides past, taking his shirt off. And I realise he only had a short amount of time to get changed for the swingathon, but still...there are much classier ways to handle that situation, aren't there? [I loathe him so much. I loathe him nearly as much as I loathed Tom Chambers. - Carrie] A refreshed-looking Matt from earlier today says that they got their worst score ever last night, so tonight's dance really counts. Craig is saddled with the thankless line about "who would've thought Matt would be such an amazing acrobat and an incredible dancer?" Yes, indeed, who would've thought that trained gymnast Matt would have so many gymnastic tricks up his sleeve? Give me strength. Len hasn't enjoyed all of Aliona's gimmicks, but he thinks they've been clever. He opines that Matt is always good but seldom great. Alesha thinks Matt is consistent but overly-serious sometimes. Len recognises Matt's intense desire to make the final, and worries that as a result he overdances. Essentially, the judges all think he needs to relax and ease his way in. It's a bit like anal sex, basically. [Oh, Steve. - Carrie] They discuss his acting skills, and I was all set to make another "yes, who would've thought someone who did a drama degree would be good at acting?" sneery comment until I realised that I did a drama degree and I can't act at all, and neither could a lot of people on my course. Fine, you win this one, Baker. The judges think the tango will suit him because it's an aggressive dance, and Bruno thinks he can let his anger out. Matt wants to make the final, and wants to show them that he can be great, not just good.

They're dancing to 'Hung Up' by Madonna, which is a bit of an odd musical choice, but the dancing here is pretty good. As the judges indicated, Matt's serious demeanour is perfect for a tango, and despite some of Aliona's more questionable choreographic choices (there's a move where he basically holds her behind his back and twirls her around the floor while she puts one leg in the air, which looks incredibly ugly), the overall content of the dance is very good, and Matt performs it pretty much flawlessly.

Bruno thinks it was strong, powerful and driven with a hint of arrogance. He thinks Matt leads well, and this dance suits him. Craig didn't like the horrid lift that I mentioned earlier, but thought Matt danced with military precision, and it was controlled and full of purpose. Len thinks Matt was cooking on gas tonight ("last night you had a bit of fluff in one of the burners or something"), he thinks Matt's hold was great and the movement around the floor was fabulous. Alesha finishes by saying that it was powerful, driven and purposeful, and although Matt took a beating last night, he's just proven why he deserves a spot in the final.

They scoot up to the Tess Circle, where Matt confesses he's had a difficult day, but Aliona's done a great job of keeping him calm and getting him through it. Tess asks him how he'll approach the four dances required for the final, and Matt reveals that he's managed to get time off from all sixteen of his other jobs so he'll actually have time to rehearse them if he gets that far. Scores: Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 9, giving Matt 38 for his tango, and a total of 70 for the whole weekend.

The fourth couple to hit the floor is Gavin and Katya. Gavin really enjoyed his samba yesterday, even if the judges didn't, so he's a bit disappointed with the scores. Len and Craig are surprised by Gavin's timidity on the dancefloor. Alesha insists that he's trying hard, and Len likes the fact that he comes back week after week, whatever they throw at him. There's a selection of Craig's "finest" insults, and the judges discuss his improved posture. Alesha says she was unsure at first about Gavin using his body to impress people, but thinks there's no harm in using your assets to your advantage. Len thinks that Gavin needs to believe in himself more and banish the nerves. Gavin says that he thinks he's got a handle on dancing in front of 14 million people now and he knows how to cope with it.

Their Viennese waltz is to 'You Know Me' by Robbie Williams (ugh), and Katya's choreography for this is absolutely beautiful, though there are clearly points where Gavin loses time with the music, and as a result he's sometimes a bit leaden in his movements. If this is his last dance of the competition - and I suspect it will be - it's a good dance to go out on, however.

Craig says that timing is an essential element of dance, and says that there was only one section of the dance that was in time, and for the rest of it they either "chose to cross-phrase" or they were off-time. Katya disputes this, saying that it was one section, and it was something she'd deliberately done to avoid crashing into the lamps. Craig in turn disputes her version of events, and it all gets a bit "yeah, well, SO'S YOUR MUM" between them. Len thinks Gavin had good footwork and good posture, so while he lost a bit of musicality, Gavin is Len's hero because he's come back strong every week. Alesha is more at ease watching Gavin in ballroom - she thinks he has timing issues sometimes, but she still thinks that Gavin is the most improved contestant, and that he should be proud of what he's achieved. Bruno thinks it was elegant and smooth, and despite the issues, it's such an improvement from his performance in the first week.

Up in the Tess Circle, Gavin's grinning at the prospect of being Len's hero. Don't get too excited, Gavin, he does tend to develop irrational attachments to SPORTSMEN irrespective of dancing ability. Gavin tells Tess that he realises he's bottom of the leaderboard, but he hopes that the public are enjoying watching him enough to keep him around. Tess asks Gavin to say he wants the glitterball, and Gavin's all "I want the glitterball?" Katya says she's "so proud" of Gavin. Scores: Craig 6, Len 9, Alesha 8, Bruno 8 to give Gavin 31 for his Viennese waltz and a total of 59 for the weekend. Katya says that she thinks the six from Craig was "below the belt" and Gavin says that Craig's "picked on" them all along. Tess asks Gavin to convince us why he should make the final, as she has everyone else, and Gavin still hasn't mastered the self-sell at this point, settling instead for the "er, if you enjoyed it, vote for me? Please?" approach. Way to beat those nerves, Gavin!

Concluding the line-up this evening are Pamela and James. Pamela got good reports for her paso doble last night, although Craig spotted some wobbles, so naturally James bursts through the doors afterwards and announces that "those teetering moments were CHOREOGRAPHED!" Oh, all right: heh. James tells Pamela she's done enough to get into the final in his eyes. Len says that there's just one word for Pamela, and Alesha steals his thunder: "breathtaking". Bruno thinks Pamela gets younger by the week. Craig and Bruno burst into a spontaenous rendition of 'Venus', and Craig's favourite Pamela moment was her near-fall coming out of the floorspin in her salsa (hey, mine too!). Len thinks Pamela is "a goer" and she's equally at home in ballroom and Latin. The judges all congratulate Craig somewhat sarcastically on unleashing his first ten for her, and Craig would love to see her in the final, because she's feisty. Len thinks she just needs to keep doing what she's doing to make the final, and if she does so, then Billy Connolly, TO WHOM SHE IS MARRIED, should be in the next series. Pamela vows to go out on the floor and give it all she's got.

Their quickstep is to 'Steppin' Out With My Baby', and involves a bit of prancing around with top hats and canes before Pamela strips down to reveal her skirt, which is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen on this show, including Jan Ravens' behaviour when she was eliminated - it looks like someone's stitched together three or four hats that fell out of a Christmas cracker, only for the stitching to come apart when Pamela put it on. The quickstep part is decent, though the footwork's a tad laboured for my tastes, and there's a tap breakdown, which I would be fine with if it didn't give Tom Chambers trauma flashbacks. Also, it's so brief as to be barely worth it. It's a cute routine, though, and I enjoyed it.

Len loved the feel of the dance, and the little bit of soft-shoe shuffle. He thought her posture and hold as she went around were great, and declares her "a class act". Alesha thinks Pamela's passion for dance lights up the room, and that she showed true showmanship (shouldn't that be showwomanship?) at the top of the routine. She liked the tap section, and thinks Pamela is an inspiration to So Many Women, which makes her a winner already. Bruno calls her a "Broadway Babe" and says that he loved the beginning, and the flow into a beautiful, "correct", quickstep. Craig declares it "one word, three syllables, starts with F." Fuckinell? Oh, "fabulous". I see.

They rush off to the Tess Circle, and Pamela expresses her fear that she'll deafen James with her screams of excitement at this rate. Tess says that Pamela "shied away from the spotlight for so long" before signing up for the show (can't say I noticed, personally - she had her own sex column in the newspaper and her own television series, which doesn't really strike me as especially wallflowerish behaviour) and wants to know what it's like being back in it. Pamela admits that she's loved it, and thinks it'll be hard going back to normality, as she'll want to don her support tights and spray tan. Well, do it anyway, Pam - it's never stopped Gavin. Pamela says she's so grateful to everyone who's kept in so far. Scores: tens all round, giving Pamela 78 for the weekend. I enjoyed that quickstep, but I'm not entirely sure it was 40-worthy. I hope they don't start going all Lisa Snowdon with Pamela again in the final, assuming she makes it there. Pamela thanks James for his "efforts to get this granny moving around the floor that way." James accepts this comment as gracefully as ever and then starts ravishing her on the sofa. Get a room. Sheesh.

Final leaderboard: Kara and Artem still top, Pamela and James still second, Matt and Aliona and Scott and Natalie now tied for third, and Gavin and Katya at the bottom. So much for "anything can change in the second round", eh?

Tess declares the lines officially open, and it's time for a recap of all the performances from the weekend. Scott and Natalie's slightly slouchy Argentine tango and their leg-flailing charleston; Kara and Artem's illegal lifting Viennese waltz and their illegal lifting rumba (tsk tsk, you two); Matt and Aliona's mess of a salsa and spectacular recovery of a tango, Gavin and Katya's hip-free samba and off-time Viennese waltz; Pamela and James' Gagariffic paso doble and their quickstep, guest-starring the Skirt Of Horror; and the swingathon in which it was never terribly easy to see who was doing what, but Pamela was wearing some really ugly trainers.

After that, it's time for Take That, performing new single 'The Flood', now with 100% more Robbie Williams, which is at least 200% more Robbie Williams than is ever necessary for anything. I realise this is likely to make me unpopular with a lot of people, but I'm actually kind of sick of Take That and their turgid man-band-ness. I wasn't a massive fan even before Robbie returned, and now he's back they seem to have become even worse, especially if this rather off-key performance is anything to go by. Still, I appreciate the performance at least in terms of it being at least five minutes of footage that only requires about two minutes' worth of recapping. Hey, if they can't entertain me, they can at least make my job easier.

Afterwards, Tess promises another performance from Take That in the results show (argh), and then it's time for the obligatory "please can I be in the final?" VT. Pamela says that the show has utterly rejuvenated her, and she's really proud of what she and James have achieved together. GAvin says that he's gone out in the semi-finals in rugby and it's not a nice feeling, and he'd love to make the final of this show as he and Katya have worked so hard. Scott says that he's given everything to this competition, and to make the finals would be the icing on the cake. Matt can almost taste the final, and just wants to have the chance to go out there, dance his heart out, and lift the glitterball. Katya thinks that she and Artem have made a good team, and she thinks that to get to the final would be a suitable reward for all the hard work he's put into her (FNAR) and winning outright would be "the perfect ending to a perfect couple of months".

So that's the end of the performances - now it's all over bar the DOUBLE ELIMINATION. Exciting stuff!

Results: 12th December

Tess informs us that there are five couples left, but only three can make the final. Yes, Tess, we already know this. Can we have new information now please? Titles!

The producers have remembered to book the showdance troupe this week, so they're opening the show with a skirt-twirling paso doble to 'Fire With Fire' by Scissor Sisters. Ian appears to be absent, much to my distress, but to make up for it, there is LADY-CAPING APLENTY. I'm sure Kelly Brook will approve of this. Actually, parts of the routine are a little bit sloppy, but I am in a forgiving mood after all the amazing LADY-CAPING. I'm so easily swayed. After the routine, there's a shot of all the judges looking up and to the left, and definitely not at the floor in front of them. I'm guessing that was a pre-recorded routine, then. [This was dreadful. The showdance troupe suck. - Carrie]

Since the main show was on earlier than normal, there was time for Bruce to do the results before his bedtime cup of cocoa, so he's joining Tess this week instead of Claudia. Daly Dresswatch: red, tight, with a weird ruffly hem thing around her midriff even though the dress itself continues way below there. They tease the upcoming performance from Take That, and terrifyingly, a vocal performance from Bruce and one of the Strictly Singers. I feel this cannot end well. [It will not even start well. - Carrie]

Time for a recap of the weekend: Len thinks it was 48 hours of fabulous dancing. Pamela's paso has reduced Len to incoherence, moreso than usual, and Craig thinks she's quickstepped her way into the final. Alesha thinks Kara was the belle of the ball, and Len thinks she gave two fantastic performances. Len will pickle his fabled walnuts if she isn't in the final. Bruno thinks Gavin has come a long way from the beginning, but the competition is tough. Len thinks the samba was unfortunate, but Gavin did a great job with his Viennese waltz. Scott's Argentine tango was a bit lukewarm for Alesha, but they did better with the charleston, and Scott and Natalie were happy with the performance. Craig thinks Matt's salsa wasn't entirely a salsa, but Alesha says that his return on Saturday was almost as though their comments wound him up enough to come back and prove himself. And in fairness, they probably did. Len thought the swingathon would be a disaster, and he was right. Except that's not what he says. Len concludes by saying that no one has a clue who's making the final, so they'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Time for the initial bout of results. The first couple through to the final is...Pamela and James. Oh good. I can't wait for all the "this is the first time James has made the final" stories for the next week which will pretty much ignore Pamela's existence completely. The second couple through is Kara and Artem. Artem falls to the floor with sheer joy. The remaining three will have to wait longer to discover their fate.

Bruce asks Len to explain the showdance. Len says that it can make you, or Lisa Snowden you. Anything goes choreographically, which means Aliona is probably going to go full-on nutso (assuming Matt and Aliona get through, but come on).

Tess is up in the Tess Circle with the two safe couples, and Artem is crying with happiness, so everyone laughs at him. Pamela talks about how BILLY CONNOLLY TO WHOM SHE IS MARRIED and James have both been crying tonight, and she wants to thank everyone who's supported her and kept her around this long. Kara admits to being an emotional wreck, and that everyone's cried at some point. Tess gets prematurely excited about their showdances.

After this, Bruce and Lance from the band perform a song that appears to be about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, with Ola coming out to do her very best performance art as Goldilocks. Seriously, I don't even know what the fuck's going on any more. Suddenly that Duffy performance doesn't seem so bad in hindsight. Ola whirls Bruce around the floor a few times until he needs a little sit down, then returns him to the stage while she dances out a bit more. Then, finally, it's over and I'm still absolutely none the wiser as to what I've just sat through, but I feel faintly violated.

Tess is with the limbo couples, and asks who's feeling the most confident. Gavin raises his hand, satirically: "I always believe in myself." Hee! Scott says they've all made it to the semi-final, and he'd love to make the final for Natalie, because she's earned it. Matt says he's pleased that they really went for it with their tango, and it's really hard to think that only one of the men will make the final, as they've all stuck together this far.

After that, Take That are back to torture me some more, singing 'Back For Good' in public for the first time since Robbie returned. Mark Owen looks almost as bored as I feel. In fact, I made all my feelings regarding Take That perfectly clear in the recap of last night's show, so let's just move on.

Tess insincerely declares the performance "awesome" from the safety of the balcony, before we get the off-cuts from the VTs we saw last night. Gavin wants to win and believes it's his destiny. Scott wants to win, because that was his goal when he entered. Matt wants to win because he's PUSHED HIMSELF SO HARD, WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ALESHA. Or something.

Time to find out who's going home then. In no particular order (interesting), the first couple leaving is Gavin and Katya. Scott applauds them ferociously, as does Matt. The crowd come to their feet. Gavin says that Katya's been amazing and this has been an awesome experience, and he came in with two left feet, but Katya's made a bit of a dancer out of him. Katya says that Gavin taught her patience (HAHAHA) and she couldn't have asked for a better partner. We relive their highlights, and Gavin says that the standing ovations were inspiring. Gavin recalls kissing Bruno, and claims to be not a fan of getting his body out, blaming Katya for all the times he's done it. He says he'll really miss the show, and declares it "a turning point in [his] life". D'awww.

So which of our remaining couples will proceed to the final? Well, it isn't...Scott and Natalie. So Matt and Aliona are in the final, as I think we all knew they would be. Scott says that this has been the best experience of his life, maybe, and tackling something that you have no skillset in is a real challenge, especially when you're doing it live, and thanks Natalie for getting him this far because she's "spectacular". She sure is. We relive their journey on the show too, and Scott says he won't forget the show, and never expected to embrace it in the way that he did. He can't go anywhere without people spitting "Sssssscccccottttt!" at him now, and like Gavin, cites the standing ovations as being particularly inspiring. He thinks it's been a challenge, but he's enjoyed every single minute.

Scott thanks Bruce one final time, and heads over for his final dance. Next week, the finalists will tackle four dances each in their bid to become the 2010 champions. Gavin and Katya and Scott and Natalie dance to the deliciously cruel soundtrack of 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' as the others come back out to give them all hugs. James whispers something in Gavin's ear. Aliona tries to make out with Natalie. And that's it! We'll be back next week for the final - do join us!

Swing while you're winning

Semi-final, part one
Tx: Friday 10th December, 2010

Evening all! Well, it's a Strictly three-parter and a hell of a lot of dancing to get through as well as obligatory filler VTs, so we should get going as soon as possible. Shall we, then?

We begin with a shot of the fabled glitterball, and then a little VT of our remaining contestants -all of whom are vividly dreaming of the ways in which they may triumph. Gavin narrates it in a rugby-commentary style, Matt in his sleeptalking urges the judges to sit down and stop with all the standing ovations (it's funny because it's true). Pamela does something...oh, probably mentioning Billy Connolly or something, I forget. Scott probably just stays asleep because he's so very tired all the time, and don't forget that, because he works so hard, boo hoo. And Kara sleeps clutching a guidebook to Russia, but not Artem himself, obviously, because they're not going to do anything dirty and inappropriate like that while they're competing.

Titles!

And it's good evening to Bruce and Tess! Tonight Tess is wearing a simple black dress that does appear to have a tail, but apart from that it's highly presentable. Well done, Tess, and thank you! It's nice to see us, to see us nice, as always, and Bruce talks us through the rules of the weekend's competition (two nights of competition before the results show, when two couples will leave), before introducing our couples. Kara is in a dress made of turquoise toilet paper; James has got his tatts out; Gavin has got his tits out. Looking like a good night in prospect, then.

Pamela VTs opening her birthday cards from last week. Remember, everybody, it was her birthday, and she was 61. SIXTY-ONE, WHO KNEW? the phrase "From James and Ola" seems to stick in her throat. Not as much as the word "Supergran" does, though, which is also written in the caard. Mostly this week, James seems to be back to Bad James, having successfully hidden that streak for much of the series, and shouting at her a lot; ah, the truth will out, Jordan. You may pretend you've mellowed over the years but we all know the angry aggressive bully is in there somewhere.

They're dancing the paso to Bad Romance with a chair as a prop, which seems a bit superfluous and clunky to me, but Pamela, with her hair up in Spanish style, is channelling all Gaga's crazy and stomping around the floor (as well as stumbling a bit). Strong Spanish lines and armwork here, along with lots of skirt-swishing; a really nicely-presented paso. At the end, Bruce begins to reprise the song. Triple doses of Bruce this weekend, all. Just sayin'.

Len says they captured the spirit of the dance and he liked the messing abaaaaht with the chair; Alesha admires the focus and the character; and then BRUNO begins to reprise the song too. Triple doses of Bruno this weekend, all. Just sayin'. Craig liked the strong lines and attitude as well as the skirt-caping. Bruce tells Pamela and James they're his favourites. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 35,

Kara and Artem next. My, that man looks good in a tux. She wonders if she is just a "tango person" after last week's performance, and then gets her words mixed up, of course, because that's what Kara does. She's clearly not a rehearsal person this week - she sits down a lot and Artem glares at her a lot from across the room. Then she screams and runs out. Artem does not seem like he is particularly bothered.

They're Viennese waltzing to Stop (the Sam Brown song, as beloved by my colleague), and there's lots of spinning, lots of drama, and it ends with Artem's face in Kara's bosom. That's the kind of racy ballroom routine that means this show is on after the watershed tonight. Alesha praises their synchronicity and Kara's unassuming nature, which is "endearing", apparently, unlike being confident, which as it's tantamount to arrogance is the kiss of death, obviously. Bruno calls it a "work of art"; Craig criticises the end spin because Kara's foot came off the ground and the others shout at him (well, I thought it did too); and Len says that Kara's Viennese waltz is just as brilliant as Alesha's was. Bruce tells Kara and Artem they're his favourites too. I think we see how this is going to go. Kara tells Tess that if her foot came off the floor it was unintentional. Way to play it down, Kara! Tess tells Kara that she's looking forward to seeing their rumba tomorrow night. Seriously, Tess, you're not going to be happy until you see the sheets displayed in public after their wedding night, are you? Scores - Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10 and Bruno 10 for a total of 39.

After Bruce reminds us how old he is, as if we weren't all well aware of his decrepitude, we're into a VT of Gavin doing chin-ups and doing self-effacing pieces-to-camera - all the things he does best. Not playing rugby or dancing, obviously. Then it's to Wales, where people have written supportive slogans on sheep, and choirs rehearse pro-Henson songs. Katya gets stroppy with him in rehearsal and he looks utterly puzzled - "my brain is actually hurting!" There's a brilliant bit where Katya tries and fails to get him to move away from a mirror, and I genuinely don't think he can hear her, overwhelmed as he is with his own beauty.

They're sambaing and bless his little heart, he's trying his best and looks happy, which is something and definitely progress, but he does manage to knock Katya off balance at least once. It's a very methodical samba rather than a party; you can almost hear him counting the beats aloud. Bruno thinks he doesn't quite connect with the music, but his performance is improving. Craig is unimpressed. Gavin gyrates at him. This week, of all the many, many, many dances that are REALLY HARD FOR MEN, Len thinks the samba is the most technically challenging for a man: "you've got the guns, you just didn't have the ammunition." Alesha thinks Gavin is the underdog but he is the most improved. Bruce tells Gavin and Katya they are, bien sur, his favourites. Gavin tells Tess he enjoyed it and thought he was all right. Tess makes Gavin gyrate again. Tess, get some bromide. Scores - Craig 6, Len 7, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 27.

Scott and Natalie next. They sad-VT about being in the bottom two last week, and Natalie reveals that Scott is the best partner she's ever danced with. Take that, Ricky Whittle! Natalie's judgement, it burns! In rehearsal, Scott struggles to lift Natalie - "she's NOT FAT!" he rushes to explain as Natalie begins to plot her revenge from across the room. "She is MUSCULAR. It's ALL MUSCLE!" Natalie apologises to him: "I know I'm heavy." I wish I were as heavy as her.

They've got a prop too, which is, of course, in the grand tradition of the Argentine tango, a lamp-post; and they're dancing to the music...off the Finish dishwasher tablet advert? Scott's side-parting certainly adds to the sense of tango, but he looks overshadowed by Natalie's statuesque magnificence throughout the routine. Craig loved it, but suggests more swivel on the closes and stronger leading; Len liked the lifts but didn't think Scott was like "a young guy out on the town trying to pick up a hot bit of totty" (oh, LEN); Alesha wanted to see more strength; and Bruno concludes, "I think I actually got it, Ssssssssssscott!" and likens the routine to film noir, earning him a gracious "at last, someone understands my genius choreography" look from Natalie. Guess what? Scott and Natalie are Bruce's favourites. They promise us sabotage on the dancefloor during the swingathon, as we could all have predicted thanks to the example of Dancing with the Stars. Scores - Craig 8, Len 8, Alesha 8 and Bruno 9 for a total of 33.

As you'll remember Matt and Aliona did comedy character jiving last week. He's happy that they've never been out of the top three, and is now going to dedicate everything to the cause of winning the competition. Basically this means doing everything Aliona says unquestioningly. If I were Aliona, I'd take the opportunity for a spot of mischief and play one week-long round of 'Aliona Says' and see how long it took him to realise I was winding him up. Saying something like, "Stand there while I punch you in the face repeatedly. No, really, it's good for you."

Eleven weeks in, and I've still not acclimatised myself to the sight of Matt Baker thrusting his groin at his partner. There's more of the same in this salsa. And not a great deal else. Len is even less keen on it than I am, and he eviscerates the entire choreography. Alesha doesn't like it either, and suggests he relax more. Bruno says he knows how much Matt wants to win, but he's working so hard that it changes the look of the dance. Craig concurs, of course. Everyone agrees that there's a lot of basic salsa content but nothing technically challenging or impressive. Aliona is glaring at everyone like it's their fault and not hers because she is the worst choreographer in the world. And finally Bruce has real reason to tell one of the couples that they're his favourites. Matt sulks at Tess: "I can't do any more than I'm doing." Obviously he's disappointed, but it comes across as really quite ungracious, but then would we really have expected anything else? Anyway, straight 7s for their lowest-ever total of 28.

The boys warm up for the swingdance by wrestling with each other as Tess talks to the camera. Someone clearly tells them off as they suddenly stop, stand up and look a bit shamefaced. Quick VT where Len explains the rules of the swingathon (it's a knockout, last couple standing gets five points, first out gets one), Gavin draws a tactics map for Katya, Kara predicts carnage, and the boys wrestle some more. How homoerotic! Here we go, then...

...Gavin is kicking and flicking all over the place, but it's not in time with Katya, or indeed the music. They're first out, and have to be manhandled off the floor. Scott and Natalie are next to fall - he looks shattered, probably because he is so very tired due to working two jobs, POOR SCOTT. Meanwhile, Artem and Matt compete with acrobatics, and unsurprisingly that means Pamela and James are knocked out next. The audience are actually chanting people's names at this point, but not in rhythm to the music. Sigh. Matt and Aliona leave next, leaving Kara and Artem dancing at the end. Artem crashes to the floor with exhaustion as Kara ignores him and wanders off to hug her rivals. Neither of them manage to exhale a full sentence despite Bruce's prompting. Tiring work, the swingdance.

So that's it for tonight. Kara and Artem top the leaderboard; Gavin and Katya are at the bottom, as we could probably have predicted without seeing anyone dance, so one could argue that the whole night has been one whole waste of time, then. But don't forget that could all change tomorrow night, when everyone dances their second routine! The phonelines aren't even open yet! Join Steve later to see how it all pans out!