- James and Nicky were shirtless and comparing pecs last week. I don't know who won, but I counted three pairs of tits.
- Johnny thought he could've won the dance-off, but then he did the worst run of his foxtrot they've ever done. He also tried to wink at Darcey, but missed and winked at Craig instead. I don't quite know how that's possible, but then I'm not 74.
- Craig is a keen gardener. HURR HURR UPHILL GARDENER MORE LIKE etc.
- Karen had been planning a big comeback for her and Nicky this week. Sucks to be her, huh?
- Nicky is one lazy-ass man.
- Richard has kept that dry weave that they glued in to serve as his quiff on Saturday.
- Richard and Erin are doing a quickstep to '9 to 5' this weekend. Well, that answers the "is Erin going to stop gaying it up" question, doesn't it?
- Jerry's posture during her foxtrot would've been acceptable in the 1920s, because that was the style at the time (as long as you tied an onion to your belt). It's not so good nowadays, however.
- Flavia's always wanted to do a fleckerl.
- It's very hard for female pros to save their male celeb partners in a jive if it goes wrong because they spend the whole thing being flung around.
- Ola hasn't smiled all week. Being married to James will do that to a person.
- Ian's Machine now has the ability to put crowns on people.
- Lisa is training in her boots as well. Tsk tsk, naughty naughty.
- Jerry thinks she's Anton's feather boa constrictor. SHUT YOUR MOUTH JERRY, YOU'LL NEVER REPLACE NANCY DELL'OLIO IN OUR HEARTS.
- Colin's Argentine tango is James Bond-themed. I know, you're all so surprised, I really should've made sure you were sitting down before breaking that news.
- Michael doesn't have the natural talent of some of the others. I KNOW, ENOUGH WITH THE SHOCKING NEWS ALREADY STEVEN.
- Brendan has "got on with 70, 80 per cent of my partners". *coughSarahMannersClaireKingBloodyLulucough*
- Victoria can do squats with Brendan on her shoulders.
- Michael learns better when Natalie sings to him. Awww.
- Michael's two goals for the show were to get a seven from Len and to be Brucie's favourite. I think he has very low self-esteem if that's all he's aiming for.
- Denise can hold 19 grapes in her mouth at once. James managed an impressive 32.
- Dani and Vincent's The Wizard of Oz-themed foxtrot will involve live animals. Whether Jodie Prenger was involved in the search for said animals is as yet unconfirmed.
- Pasha's hair is starting to grow out. It's not quite there yet, but it's definitely better.
- Pasha brought Zoe a cake but he eated it :(
- The It Takes Two meerkat predicted Kimberley and Pasha to be top scorers this weekend.
- Dionne Warwick has a new greatest hits album out, with two new songs written by Burt. (That's "Bacharach", in case you were wondering.)
- Rufus Hound has shaved.
- Nancy Dell'Olio is still rarely at a loss for words, even if none of those words seem to fit with each other.
- Dionne Warwick fancies Colin.
Friday, 19 October 2012
Monday, 15 October 2012
Bouncing Ball
14 Couples Results: 14th October 2012
The show opens with an exhibition performance of what I'm fairly certain is a tango from the pro dancers. Everyone's taking part except Pasha and Iveta, and the couples appear to have been divided into good and evil, according to whether they're dressed in black or white. For those keeping score: Vincent, Flavia, Brendan, Natalie, Anton and Erin are good, while Robin, Kristina, James, Ola, Artem and Karen are evil. Draw whatever conclusions from that distribution that you feel fitting. They're dancing to 'Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps' and the general plotline is that all the evil dancers harassing the nice ones in all sorts of ways. I particularly enjoy the part where the Evils are all hanging out at the bar (manned by Craig Revel-Horwood, the smooth-talking bar-steward) and Kristina and Karen are giving overly energetic arm waves and mouthing "WHATEVER". Then the Evils intervene and start trying to steal the partners of the Goods (naturally, it's the women stealing the men, because we have centuries of social prejudice to inform such things). Still, it's a good routine, with another highlight being the part where the Goods dance behind the Evils as the Evil Men sit on a chair and fling the Evil Women over their shoulder, and Kristina misses kicking Erin in the head by seconds.
Once that's finished, Tess and Claudia arrive. Tess is wearing a hideous black and pink dress, while Claudia is all black lace and hunched shoulders. There's so much terrible posture on this show; I can only assume this is a direct result of the BBC outsourcing its Occupational Health department. Tess reminds us that two couples will compete in the Dreaded Dance-Off tonight leaving us with 13 couples. Claudia introduces the judges, and asks Len if he is "personally delirious" about the return of the Dreaded Dance-Off. Len says that he is, because it keeps the integrity of the show. Yes, heaven forfend a show about ballroom-dancing celebrities ever get even the slightest bit ridiculous. Oh Len. We've been getting on so well this series, don't make me hate you again. Len promises that what's been in the past is gone, and the Dreaded Dance-Off will be judged solely on the dances performed at that time. At least until they decide that it isn't, which will probably happen in a week or two.
Tess tells us that the Scissor Sisters will be performing on the show later, while Claudia reminds us that Len's Lens is back. To be honest, if I didn't have to recap this, I might have switched off entirely at this point. I'd already seen the result on the Digital Spy forums; why should I put myself through such torture? But I am a professional, so here I remain. But first, let's relive all the drama from last night. Claudia was backstage, just hangin' with her (camera) crew, dancing with Victoria and putting the finishing touches to Natalie's make-up. The ongoing theme here is that everyone is nervous: pros and celebrities alike.
From there we go to our recap of last night complete with Extra! Bonus! Interviews!, so here's the additional information that we can glean: Nicky's sparkly leather jacket is from TopMan (there was an extreme close-up and his label was hanging out), Colin and Kristina apparently did nothing of interest backstage because they are not shown being interviewed, Dani was very happy to get a SEV-UNNN, Artem actually smiled, Richard and Erin are similarly not shown backstage, Victoria is glad to be portrayed as back in the race, Michael's jive was somehow worse in rehearsal, Louis and Flavia are very much with the high-fiving, Denise and James are very pleased with themselves, Iveta thinks this has been a wonderful day and she hopes it will never end (largely because her BBC security pass expires at midnight and she's already been told it won't get renewed), Sid and Ola join the "no backstage footage" club, Len's comments freaked Kimberley out, she's got to scre-eam, she's got to shou-ou-ou-ou-out, no backstage footage from Jerry and Anton either, and finally Lisa was excited to be a girl and not a boy, while Robin calls her a "leading lady", perhaps as a warning against getting too assertive in future dances. What's with the lack of backstage action for several couples, though? Budget cuts? DAMN YOU, CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT. Len makes a peculiar comment about how the dances were like buses because nothing good happened for ages and then two good ones came at once (Denise and Louis), summarising that it was a two-hour show that just flew past. Oh Len, you make no sense.
Here's Tess with the first half of this evening's results. In no particular order, the following couples are definitely safe and returning next week: Nicky and Karen, Denise and James, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Fern and Artem and Kimberley and Pasha. The first couple in the Dreaded Dance-Off is...Johnny and Iveta.
Tess asks Bruno if Johnny being bottom two despite his improvement means it's a tough competition this year. Bruno says that he got better, and it's always hard to see someone performing in the Dreaded Dance-Off, but those are the rules (this year).
Claudia's up in the Tess Circle with the six safe couples, and first of all she wants to talk to Fern about her expression of complete surprise when they were declared safe. Fern explains that you just don't expect to hear your name in a positive context, even though that's pretty much how results shows work on reality TV 95 per cent of the time. Apparently she's been taking a leaf out of the Victoria Pendleton book of arm placement, because Louis came over to congratulate her and Fern accidentally elbowed him in the nose. I can only assume this is but the first step in the slap-slap-kiss that will turn into a torrid affair. What will the tabloids call them - Fouis? Lern? Smitton? Oh, there we go. Denise is pleased to be top of the leaderboard, but that means another week with James. Lisa says she felt like a princess at the end, and had to try not to be too Gritty and Northern until the dance was definitely over.
Time for a trailer: next week is Hollywood Week, which I can only assume means quite a lot of people trying to be FRED AND GIIIIIIIINGE. Should beexcruciating fun!
In those 30 seconds, the contestants are swifty evacuated and replaced by the judges, because it's time for LEEEENNNN'S LEEEENNNNS! Regrettably, this section hasn't become any less devoid of interesting or insightful content since last year, so let's skip through it swiftly: Len was singing along to 'Tutti Frutti', Denise's kiss left Craig's cheek covered in lipstick so Darcey cleaned it off with a tissue and her saliva (eww), Richard pulled a lot of faces during his cha cha cha and so did Bruno during Michael's jive, and Artem managed to instruct Fern to change direction without moving his lips. The end (at least until next week)!
Time to find out the rest of the results. Also safe are Colin and Kristina, and they're joined by Victoria and Brendan, Dani and Vincent, Sid and Ola, Jerry and Anton and Michael and Natalie, which leaves Richard and Erin facing the Dreaded Dance-Off.
Clearly appalled at this transparent act of homophobia from the voting public, Tess turns to Darcey and essentially asks "well, Bussell, you told them to make it gayer, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. Happy now?" Darcey doesn't really have an answer for it, but thinks it might have been the less-than-brilliant technique. Oh sure, pass the buck why don't you.
Claudia's upstairs with the latest batch of safe couples. Michael describes that experience as one of the worst things he's ever done - no mean claim, considering the jive he delivered this week - and he admits he was expecting to be going home. Claudia asks Victoria if she's really into her dancing yet, and Victoria says that she loves dancing, she's trying her best, and she can't wait for next week. Jerry's very excited about doing her quickstep for Hollywood week next Saturday, and reveals that they'll be dancing to 'Mrs Robinson'. Claudia turns to Kristina, calling her "the happiest woman on Earth", given her reaction to being saved. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's flying out to Canada to train with Colin this week (I assume he's needed on the set of Arrow) and she probably wouldn't have got that particular jolly if they'd been eliminated.
Now, in "seems like a slightly odd booking for this particular timeslot, but sure why not" news, we have the Scissor Sisters and their new single 'Let's Have A Kiki'. For those of you confused by the title, it's slang used in gay culture for having a chat and/or a gossip; whatever you do, don't confuse it with "kai kai" (two drag queens having sex). This is meant to be the best song on their new album, so the fact that I'm fairly indifferent to it means I probably won't be buying that. Still, like any fan of RuPaul's Drag Race, I'm pleased to see this particular vernacular getting airtime on primetime BBC1. No shade, no tea.
After completely confusing everyone in the audience above the age of 40, the show transports us back up to the Tess Circle with Claudia, along with Richard and Erin and Johnny and Iveta. Richard wonders if his outfit (likened to "the curtains from a static caravan in Lyme Regis in 1976") might have been the problem. They're first to face the dance-off, so they head down to get ready while Claudia chats to Johnny and Iveta, who says that Richard and Erin were the couple they've had the most fun with backstage, so it's sad to think that one couple is going.
Richard and Erin reprise their cha cha cha, and there's not a lot that can be said about this routine that hasn't been said already, but it appears to be lacking a bit of the energy it had the first time out - perhaps not surprising at the end of a long night, but still not an encouraging sign nonetheless. Following that, Johnny and Iveta do their foxtrot a second time, and Johnny loses the thread of it quite early on. It's a definite decline in performance quality from him, complete with slips and stumbles, but points for effort as he keeps going valiantly to the end.
Time for the verdict from the judges: Craig thinks both couples weren't as good as first time out, but based on content alone, he votes to save Richard and Erin. Darcey is voting for the couple with the most confidence: Richard and Erin. Bruno thought both couples were quite shaky, but he agrees with the others, so on reasons of content he votes to save Richard and Erin. So Johnny and Iveta are gone, and Len confirms that he would've voted the same way as the other three had it been necessary.
Tess asks Johnny if he's enjoyed his short-but-sweet Strictly experience, and Johnny says he has, but laments that that was the worst performance of that foxtrot he's ever given. He thinks he did quite well for his age, though. Iveta (no stranger to being the first boot) is thanked for stepping in at short notice, but not actually given a chance to speak. Poor Iveta. I liked what I saw of her, so hopefully she's at the top of the list to replaceKaren Hauer whichever female pro doesn't get her contract renewed next year. Claudia appears, and she and Tess trail It Takes Two, the website, and next week's Hollywood show, Johnny and Iveta get 'You're The First, My Last, My Everything' for their last dance and, having lopped a Ball off, we're done. We'll be back next week for Hollywood week, where Denise will protest that she definitely doesn't have an advantage, she's never even been to the cinema, honest! Meanwhile, Aliona returns only to discover that her franchise was rebooted, Nicky will remain stuck in development hell, and Michael and Natalie will perhaps snub the studio system in favour of low-budget independent horror once more.
The show opens with an exhibition performance of what I'm fairly certain is a tango from the pro dancers. Everyone's taking part except Pasha and Iveta, and the couples appear to have been divided into good and evil, according to whether they're dressed in black or white. For those keeping score: Vincent, Flavia, Brendan, Natalie, Anton and Erin are good, while Robin, Kristina, James, Ola, Artem and Karen are evil. Draw whatever conclusions from that distribution that you feel fitting. They're dancing to 'Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps' and the general plotline is that all the evil dancers harassing the nice ones in all sorts of ways. I particularly enjoy the part where the Evils are all hanging out at the bar (manned by Craig Revel-Horwood, the smooth-talking bar-steward) and Kristina and Karen are giving overly energetic arm waves and mouthing "WHATEVER". Then the Evils intervene and start trying to steal the partners of the Goods (naturally, it's the women stealing the men, because we have centuries of social prejudice to inform such things). Still, it's a good routine, with another highlight being the part where the Goods dance behind the Evils as the Evil Men sit on a chair and fling the Evil Women over their shoulder, and Kristina misses kicking Erin in the head by seconds.
Once that's finished, Tess and Claudia arrive. Tess is wearing a hideous black and pink dress, while Claudia is all black lace and hunched shoulders. There's so much terrible posture on this show; I can only assume this is a direct result of the BBC outsourcing its Occupational Health department. Tess reminds us that two couples will compete in the Dreaded Dance-Off tonight leaving us with 13 couples. Claudia introduces the judges, and asks Len if he is "personally delirious" about the return of the Dreaded Dance-Off. Len says that he is, because it keeps the integrity of the show. Yes, heaven forfend a show about ballroom-dancing celebrities ever get even the slightest bit ridiculous. Oh Len. We've been getting on so well this series, don't make me hate you again. Len promises that what's been in the past is gone, and the Dreaded Dance-Off will be judged solely on the dances performed at that time. At least until they decide that it isn't, which will probably happen in a week or two.
Tess tells us that the Scissor Sisters will be performing on the show later, while Claudia reminds us that Len's Lens is back. To be honest, if I didn't have to recap this, I might have switched off entirely at this point. I'd already seen the result on the Digital Spy forums; why should I put myself through such torture? But I am a professional, so here I remain. But first, let's relive all the drama from last night. Claudia was backstage, just hangin' with her (camera) crew, dancing with Victoria and putting the finishing touches to Natalie's make-up. The ongoing theme here is that everyone is nervous: pros and celebrities alike.
From there we go to our recap of last night complete with Extra! Bonus! Interviews!, so here's the additional information that we can glean: Nicky's sparkly leather jacket is from TopMan (there was an extreme close-up and his label was hanging out), Colin and Kristina apparently did nothing of interest backstage because they are not shown being interviewed, Dani was very happy to get a SEV-UNNN, Artem actually smiled, Richard and Erin are similarly not shown backstage, Victoria is glad to be portrayed as back in the race, Michael's jive was somehow worse in rehearsal, Louis and Flavia are very much with the high-fiving, Denise and James are very pleased with themselves, Iveta thinks this has been a wonderful day and she hopes it will never end (largely because her BBC security pass expires at midnight and she's already been told it won't get renewed), Sid and Ola join the "no backstage footage" club, Len's comments freaked Kimberley out, she's got to scre-eam, she's got to shou-ou-ou-ou-out, no backstage footage from Jerry and Anton either, and finally Lisa was excited to be a girl and not a boy, while Robin calls her a "leading lady", perhaps as a warning against getting too assertive in future dances. What's with the lack of backstage action for several couples, though? Budget cuts? DAMN YOU, CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT. Len makes a peculiar comment about how the dances were like buses because nothing good happened for ages and then two good ones came at once (Denise and Louis), summarising that it was a two-hour show that just flew past. Oh Len, you make no sense.
Here's Tess with the first half of this evening's results. In no particular order, the following couples are definitely safe and returning next week: Nicky and Karen, Denise and James, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Fern and Artem and Kimberley and Pasha. The first couple in the Dreaded Dance-Off is...Johnny and Iveta.
Tess asks Bruno if Johnny being bottom two despite his improvement means it's a tough competition this year. Bruno says that he got better, and it's always hard to see someone performing in the Dreaded Dance-Off, but those are the rules (this year).
Claudia's up in the Tess Circle with the six safe couples, and first of all she wants to talk to Fern about her expression of complete surprise when they were declared safe. Fern explains that you just don't expect to hear your name in a positive context, even though that's pretty much how results shows work on reality TV 95 per cent of the time. Apparently she's been taking a leaf out of the Victoria Pendleton book of arm placement, because Louis came over to congratulate her and Fern accidentally elbowed him in the nose. I can only assume this is but the first step in the slap-slap-kiss that will turn into a torrid affair. What will the tabloids call them - Fouis? Lern? Smitton? Oh, there we go. Denise is pleased to be top of the leaderboard, but that means another week with James. Lisa says she felt like a princess at the end, and had to try not to be too Gritty and Northern until the dance was definitely over.
Time for a trailer: next week is Hollywood Week, which I can only assume means quite a lot of people trying to be FRED AND GIIIIIIIINGE. Should be
In those 30 seconds, the contestants are swifty evacuated and replaced by the judges, because it's time for LEEEENNNN'S LEEEENNNNS! Regrettably, this section hasn't become any less devoid of interesting or insightful content since last year, so let's skip through it swiftly: Len was singing along to 'Tutti Frutti', Denise's kiss left Craig's cheek covered in lipstick so Darcey cleaned it off with a tissue and her saliva (eww), Richard pulled a lot of faces during his cha cha cha and so did Bruno during Michael's jive, and Artem managed to instruct Fern to change direction without moving his lips. The end (at least until next week)!
Time to find out the rest of the results. Also safe are Colin and Kristina, and they're joined by Victoria and Brendan, Dani and Vincent, Sid and Ola, Jerry and Anton and Michael and Natalie, which leaves Richard and Erin facing the Dreaded Dance-Off.
Clearly appalled at this transparent act of homophobia from the voting public, Tess turns to Darcey and essentially asks "well, Bussell, you told them to make it gayer, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. Happy now?" Darcey doesn't really have an answer for it, but thinks it might have been the less-than-brilliant technique. Oh sure, pass the buck why don't you.
Claudia's upstairs with the latest batch of safe couples. Michael describes that experience as one of the worst things he's ever done - no mean claim, considering the jive he delivered this week - and he admits he was expecting to be going home. Claudia asks Victoria if she's really into her dancing yet, and Victoria says that she loves dancing, she's trying her best, and she can't wait for next week. Jerry's very excited about doing her quickstep for Hollywood week next Saturday, and reveals that they'll be dancing to 'Mrs Robinson'. Claudia turns to Kristina, calling her "the happiest woman on Earth", given her reaction to being saved. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's flying out to Canada to train with Colin this week (I assume he's needed on the set of Arrow) and she probably wouldn't have got that particular jolly if they'd been eliminated.
Now, in "seems like a slightly odd booking for this particular timeslot, but sure why not" news, we have the Scissor Sisters and their new single 'Let's Have A Kiki'. For those of you confused by the title, it's slang used in gay culture for having a chat and/or a gossip; whatever you do, don't confuse it with "kai kai" (two drag queens having sex). This is meant to be the best song on their new album, so the fact that I'm fairly indifferent to it means I probably won't be buying that. Still, like any fan of RuPaul's Drag Race, I'm pleased to see this particular vernacular getting airtime on primetime BBC1. No shade, no tea.
After completely confusing everyone in the audience above the age of 40, the show transports us back up to the Tess Circle with Claudia, along with Richard and Erin and Johnny and Iveta. Richard wonders if his outfit (likened to "the curtains from a static caravan in Lyme Regis in 1976") might have been the problem. They're first to face the dance-off, so they head down to get ready while Claudia chats to Johnny and Iveta, who says that Richard and Erin were the couple they've had the most fun with backstage, so it's sad to think that one couple is going.
Richard and Erin reprise their cha cha cha, and there's not a lot that can be said about this routine that hasn't been said already, but it appears to be lacking a bit of the energy it had the first time out - perhaps not surprising at the end of a long night, but still not an encouraging sign nonetheless. Following that, Johnny and Iveta do their foxtrot a second time, and Johnny loses the thread of it quite early on. It's a definite decline in performance quality from him, complete with slips and stumbles, but points for effort as he keeps going valiantly to the end.
Time for the verdict from the judges: Craig thinks both couples weren't as good as first time out, but based on content alone, he votes to save Richard and Erin. Darcey is voting for the couple with the most confidence: Richard and Erin. Bruno thought both couples were quite shaky, but he agrees with the others, so on reasons of content he votes to save Richard and Erin. So Johnny and Iveta are gone, and Len confirms that he would've voted the same way as the other three had it been necessary.
Tess asks Johnny if he's enjoyed his short-but-sweet Strictly experience, and Johnny says he has, but laments that that was the worst performance of that foxtrot he's ever given. He thinks he did quite well for his age, though. Iveta (no stranger to being the first boot) is thanked for stepping in at short notice, but not actually given a chance to speak. Poor Iveta. I liked what I saw of her, so hopefully she's at the top of the list to replace
Sunday, 14 October 2012
So I jived with an axe murderer
14 Couples Perform: 13th October 2012
So, last week: 14 stars went "supernova". According to Wikipedia, "Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months." Sounds about right to me. Tess's VO continues that the stars showed us what they were made of: wicker, in Michael's case, and jelly in Victoria's. This week: it's time for the first elimination, and everyone's screaming because the dance-off is back, so they know they're inevitably going to face at least one Sunday show where Len's grousing about how the dance-off's supposed to let him choose to save a good dancer over a bad one, but instead he's had to choose between THE TWO BEST ONES or something. Then they realise they need our votes so they all start mugging for the cameras. Considering the sort of base level that Denise started at, I can only assume that several weeks of begging for votes will leave her gurning so much that she'll start developing extra chins. Anyway, on with the show.
Titles! Interestingly, Iveta has now replaced Aliona in the shot of Johnny. Since Hollywood movies (and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model) have taught me that eastern Europeans are all evil, I hope this was all part of Iveta's diabolical plan, and that her next move is to digitally insert herself into all of Harry Judd's routines and have herself declared 2011 champion.
Live from London, we have a Bruce, and we have a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: an absolute fiasco. It's a black figure-hugging bodice that's turned into a dress by having acres of sheer fabric draped over it, with splits all down the legs. My first thought was that someone had misread the calendar and dressed Tess for Halloween week a couple of weeks too early. I'm trying to figure out if it would look any better if the dress actually fitted her properly, and to be honest, I'm not sure that would make much difference. What might help would be if she STOOD UP STRAIGHT, but I know better than to expect that these days. Tess and Brucie have their now-customary fist-bump, and Bruce does his intro joke in which he says that one of the celebrities gave him a lift back home at 90mph on the motorway. The joke's a bit poorly constructed, because as soon as he says "Victoria Pendleton!" everybody laughs, even though that's not the whole punchline - and this, of course, throws Bruce right off, and he insists on waiting for everyone to fall silent before adding "if you don't slow down, I'm going to fall off these handlebars!" rather than just carrying on. Spotted in the audience: Nicola and Nuhdeen from Girls Aloud, sitting together, possibly offering each other consolations on the respective commercial failures of their solo careers. (Also Nicola's album is still amazing, just putting that out there.)
Here are the stars of our show: Kimberley and Pasha, Nicky and Karen, Fern and Artem, Michael and Natalie, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Dani and Vincent, Sid and Ola, Denise and James, Richard and Erin (I'll describe what they're wearing later, but HOLY CRAP), Victoria and Brendan, Colin and Kristina, Jerry and Anton, and finally Johnny and Iveta. There's a little bit more shimmying in the last few bars tonight, so everyone's gradually getting the message.
Bruce and Tess remind us that last week's scores will be combined with this week's and added to the public vote in a series of increasingly complicated algorithms to determine who faces the damn dance-off, and then we learn that joining Karen Hardy for red button commentary this week is Rufus Hound. So that's two whole shows they managed before they ran out of people who were actually relevant to the show. I can't believe Dr Hamela Stephenson wasn't available and absolutely gagging to do it. Maybe they just lost her number or something. Or "lost" her number, rather.
Dancing first tonight are Nicky and Karen. Their intro involves Bruce attempting a comedy Venezuelan accent, and Tess chuckling nervously in a "I'm not entirely sure if that was racist so I don't want to actually be seen endorsing it" fashion. Last week's dance went poorly, and the editing decides to blame Karen's illegal lift rather than Nicky's hideous posture and lumbering rise-and-fall. Nicky passive-aggressively says that this is exactly what he didn't need in his first week, while Karen smirks that everyone makes mistakes, and that she probably won't make the same mistake again in a manner that suggests she'll just make various other entirely separate "mistakes" instead. This week they've got the cha cha cha, and Nicky's pleased with his routine - but struggling to get it right. "This is the first time that he's ever walked out of the room," Karen shares. It's true. Every morning she arrives at rehearsals only to find poor Nicky huddled on the floor looking sad, hungry and confused because he still hasn't managed to find the door.
They're dancing to 'Dynamite' by Taio Cruz, and Nicky's wearing a hooded bedazzled leather jacket and looking like some sort of gay bondage superhero. Unwisely, Karen's left him to dance on his own for the first few bars and he just sort of stumbles around waggling his arse and clapping his hands in the air like it's almost chucking-out time at Jumping Jacks, then Karen appears dressed as Frank N Furter, and the two of them join forces - she's doing a cha cha cha, he's just doing generic club dancing. While I'm sure it's not to everyone's taste, I don't think Karen's choreography is the problem here: it's Nicky's inability to do what she's given him. He's flat-footed and stompy and far more suited to Let's Dance Comically For Relief than this show.
Nicky and Karen head over to the judges for their feedback, and Christ alive, when Nicky stands in profile you can see quite the bulge in his trousers. Mrs Nicky is a lucky woman. Len, opening for the judges, claims that he's "a cup of tea in a world of lattes" and says that from the point of view of a traditionalist, it was too much "boyband dancing" and not enough cha cha cha. Bruno thinks Nicky looks more "switched-on" tonight (clearly I wasn't the only one looking at Nicky's trousers) and while it was a bit "Take That 1995", he doesn't mind that - the problem was more that Nicky lost timing at the end. Craig thought it was "like a Zumba exercise class" and Karen makes a "that was totally what I was going for, really" face. He noticed that Nicky had some rotation in the hip department, but that left his body when he moved. However, the energy and commitment was good. Darcey thinks there was confidence and attitude, but not enough cha cha cha. However, she thinks it was a great contrast from last week. That's true, his hands didn't go into his pockets once.
They mosh their way up to the Tess Circle, where Nicky says that it went terribly because he couldn't hear the beat at the start and ended up making it up as he went along. He admits that although they worked hard, it didn't come off. "Don't be like that!" shouts Brendan, and everyone chimes in supportively. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Len 4, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. Tess announces the brand new mobile-voting system that means Strictly has proudly joined the 20th century at last, and then we move ahead to...
...our next couple, Colin and Kristina. Colin says he panicked a bit last week when faced with the lights and the judges and the baying crowd, but then Len told them it was the best cha cha cha of the night (out of three, one of which Victoria forgot almost the entirety of) and that made everything better. Kristina reveals that Colin is finding the Viennese waltz harder, because he is six times her size, and that makes attaining the correct posture rather difficult. This is giving him all of the aches and pains, but he vows to nail it on the night nonetheless. I can't believe it's week two and this still wasn't the segue into a comedy VT where poor, aching 50-year-old Colin goes to see Dr Kristina for some dance medicine or something. I miss Evil Moira Ross.
They're dancing to 'Kiss From A Rose', and the second they take hold, the problems created by their considerable height difference become apparent: Colin looks like he's holding a straw doll or something, or like he's reached that point in the wedding where the dads dance around with their daughters standing on their feet. It's still a decent performance, but the fact that he has to take tiny steps while Kristina takes great strides really doesn't do either of them any favours.
Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra, and then Bruno tells Colin that he has "plenty of length to work with" (fnar), but when he goes in hold he needed more musicality, more sweep and not to lean forward. He found it a bit too careful, overall. Craig agrees - there were some nice lines, but the double-hand-flicking is "quite vexatious, darling" and he doesn't know why Colin is doing it. He thinks there's too much rise and fall, but he thinks Colin is dancing to his height, which is good to see. Darcey tells Colin that he has the perfect frame, but he has to watch not to stoop, and to lift his chin but not stare at the ceiling. Nonetheless, she congratulates him on being "a man that can ballroom and Latin", while I commiserate her on being a woman who can noun but struggles to verb. Still, at least the "okays" and "yahs" are being kept at bay so far. Len wants Colin to step out more and thought it was a bit timid, but he liked the characterisation and the elegance. He agrees with Craig that Colin danced to his height, and tells him not to be worried about taking big strides because Kristina will keep up. Yes, she's going to get jet-powered roller skates.
They take GIANT STRIDES up to the Tess Circle where the talk is still all about the height difference, and Tess reveals that during the dance, Jerry said "mmm-hmmm, he's a long tall drink". Credit where it's due: you'd think Tess's impression of a Texan supermodel would be appalling, but she actually got the voice and the accent pretty well. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24.
Our third couple are Dani and Vincent. Nicola Roberts earns a few pennies in royalties as 'Yo-Yo' plays over the footage of Dani being hamstrung by her nerves last week, and Dani vows to put it behind her because she's excited to be doing the salsa. They've got a tricky lift in there which they're having a bit of trouble with because in rehearsals they're all arms and flailing legs. Vincent notes that "there's different ways of jumping on a man" (that's what she said) and Dani needs to learn to jump like a dancer. Dani tells us that we'll see "a lot more Dani" in the salsa. Judging from how that lift was going in training and the relatively short dress she's wearing, we might end up seeing more Dani than anyone intended.
They're dancing to 'Mama Do The Hump' (amazing) and there's a Pac-Man theme on the screens behind them (no apparent reason for it, but still: amazing). Dani looks a lot less nervous and while her dancing still needs refinement because it's a bit sloppy in places, this is a clear improvement. She does a flip over Vincent's shoulder that comes off well, but the second lift later in the programme doesn't work quite so well as it's a bit inelegant and there are limbs flying everywhere and Dani just seems to plummet earthwards at the end of it: to be fair, she does seem to manage a fairly soft landing, but it just doesn't look very slick. Still, despite the sloppiness, I really enjoyed watching that.
Bruce snarks "that was a lovely song. Beautiful words!" Heh. Craig says that this dance suits the "smaller-type person" which gets a horrified gasp from the audience for some reason. He liked the energy but not the dismount in the second lift - "you sort of just went splat, darling." Darcey thinks it's great to see Dani having fun, and the isolations of the upper body were great, but she wants to see more hips. (There was a "yeah" and an "okay" in there as well, but she's clearly working hard to rein them in this week, so I'll do her the courtesy of not transcribing all of them.) Len calls Dani a "little munchkin" and applauds her for the clean, clever performance. Bruno tells Dani "you didn't splatter, you blossomed tonight" - he liked the content and the arm passes, but agrees with Darcey that Dani needs to work on those hips.
They shimmy up to the Tess Circle, where Tess is impressed by the body rolls. Dani says that her nerves were much better this week, and that the lifts were "interesting in rehearsals". Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Just to clarify: Darcey apparently thought Dani's salsa was worth only one point more than Nicky's cha cha cha. Darcey, I'm going to take those paddles away from you if you can't be trusted to use them properly.
Next are Fern and Artem. Apparently Fern's asked Bruce not to make any more puns about her name and focus on her dancing instead, and Bruce says that he will because "it's obvious that Britton's got talent". This is mainly noteworthy for Bruce screaming "no!" afterwards in a manner that suggests all of the show's staff have been rigged up to a system that shocks them if they make the audience think about that turncoat Alesha. Last week Fern's skirt-wafting was a matter of some controvery, but Artem declares that he likes "skirt-ography". This week they've got the Viennese waltz, and Artem has been getting very frustrated with Fern, which in turn frustrates her. However, even frustrated Artem looks a bit checked-out. Are we absolutely sure Artem hasn't had his yearly injury yet? He really does seem rather sedated.
They're dancing to 'She's Always A Woman' (John Lewis advert edition). There's more skirt-wafting in there, to the point where I can only assume that Artem is getting very impatient waiting for the paso doble and this is the only way he can cope. It's not bad - some of her arm extensions are a bit crooked, the pace is a little sluggish, and her beatific grin throughout is quite funny, but the storytelling is nice and as far as I can tell, the footwork is pretty good, so it's something of a mixed bag.
Darcey says that it's nice to see Fern travelling, but she needs to keep it smooth. She warns Fern to follow through on her arm extensions, right to the fingertips, and to "believe in yourself and the confidence will follow". That's a direct excerpt from The Little Book of Tautologies, if memory serves. Len noted the wafting once more, and now claims that he likes a waft. He thinks Fern's posture still needs work, but it was better than last week, so she's going in the right direction. Bruno tells her to watch it with the arms because sometime she looks "like you're casually dusting", but she always comes alive in hold. Finally, Craig tells her to tuck her thumb under (Fern exclaims "oh, man!" in a tone that implies Artem's warned her about that already and she totally forgot), but he liked the flow around the floor.
There's confusion in the Tess Circle where Tess claims that Craig said the f-word ("fantastic"), but neither Fern nor Artem actually noticed this and Fern's far too preoccupied with that to actually listen to anything else Tess says. Fern says that she doesn't want to let Artem down, and she also has her hand on his ass pretty much the whole time. I can't blame her: wouldn't you, in her position? Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. "Perfect!" declares Fern, who seems to think she's on an early series of Dancing On Ice.
Next up are Richard and Erin. Last week, Richard's waltz was appreciated by Len and Craig, but less so by Darcey and Bruno who thought it wasn't gay enough. Erin, bless her heart, has taken this as a serious personal affront and thus her self-given brief for this week's cha cha cha was "you want gay? I'll give you so much gay you'll be sneezing amyl nitrate for a week". Richard says he needs to work on the balance of getting his feet right and giving it the personality, and he thinks his feet might end up being the casualties.
They're dancing to 'Love Shack' (AMAZING), while wearing extremely loud pink and green floral prints (AMAZING) and Richard's hair has been seriously quiffed up. There's a sign-post on the side of the stage with arrows pointing to the love shack, the BBC canteen, and Craig's sense of humour (that one's pointing to the floor, because Craig's sense of humour is back in Australia, lolz) - as visual gags go, it's decent enough, but it is also right in the way of the camera for a good third of the dance, so from a sightline perspective, it's a bit annoying. The whole thing is an absolute gaysplosion; they're both miming along, and Richard's free arm is a bit wafty, but really this is just an excellent lesson in why you should never, ever get into a gay-off with Erin Boag, because she will win at all costs.
Bruno's aghast, saying it was "blissfully barmy" - it was the weirdest cha cha cha, but "in a sick way, I enjoyed it". Craig wasn't entirely convinced that Richard wanted to take Erin to a love shack (heh), and thought the cha cha cha walks belonged in a drag show. Darcey says "this is the Richard I wanted to see, relaxed, full of life, GAY GAY GAY DO EVERYTHING GAY LIKE THIS." I might have paraphrased slightly. However, she has something to say to Erin, at which point Erin pulls an amazing "oh really? You have a note for me? Well, let's hear it then, DARCEY SO-CALLED BUSSELL" face. Apparently Darcey wants more tension in the arms, and she needs Richard to lead Erin. Len says that Richard's free arm was "hanging down like a bit of cotton from a knicker leg" and scolds Richard for being a better dancer than that, who ought to be above such wanton campery. "Certain people need to do all that; you don't." It's scaring me how much I'm agreeing with Len this year.
Up they GAY to the Tess Circle, and Tess asks Richard how it went. Richard turns the question on Erin: "how do you think it went love?" and collapses into giggles. Erin thinks it went great - she saw everyone doing the mashed potato! Tess asks Richard what he plans to bring to the competition next week. "Apparently, tighter knicker elastic!" he quips. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 6, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. I think the lesson here is that if you have the choice between pleasing Craig and Len or pleasing Bruno and Darcey, always go with the former. The other lesson appears to be that Darcey only has two paddles. Fuck's sake, Darcey.
Next are Victoria and Brendan. Bruce does a gag about how they ran kate last Friday and
didn't have enough time for Craig's comments, and if they run late again, they'll have to skip Craig's feedback once more. He then proceeds to potter aimlessly about the stage, chatting with the audience and the band for a minute or so. I assume that was the punchline to his joke, but you can never be entirely sure with Bruce. Victoria was disappointed to fuck up last week, while Brendan says that you can never tell how something will go: they ran it four times in the corridor before the show and it was really good (indeed, the footage does seem to back this up) but it just went wrong on the live show. Victoria says she was annoyed to have put so much work in and then not deliver at the crucial moment. This week she's been practising in a big swooshy skirt and getting quite distracted by it. Brendan says she's come back firing, and Victoria says it's essential for her to improve and get herself off the bottom of the leaderboard.
They're doing a foxtrot to 'Moondance', and it's a better showing than last week, not that that would be difficult. She still looks a little unsteady on her feet out of hold, but once they pair up they deliver a pretty good routine together. There's still some awkwardness that she needs to work on: at one point near the end when she spins into Brendan's arms, she doesn't quite move her own arm out of the way in time and ends up with her elbow planted into his chest and pretty much backhanding him across the face. She's still very tottery in those heels, too, but I'm sure the overall quality of that performance will be a big relief to both of them.
Len calls it "clean, classy and confident - a fantastic improvement". The transitions in and out of hold need work, but apart from that, it was good. Bruno thinks Victoria is back in the race, but needs to work on her turns because she's not spotting. Craig point out that she remembered it: "that's got to be worth at least one point". He thought the turns were rigid, and when she turns back into hold she needs to get her arm out of the way faster, but it was good. Darcey warns her to watch her flayed fingers, but she thinks now Victoria's going to start having fun.
They get a hero's welcome in the Tess Circle for that, and Victoria says that she's been holding on to Brendan because she knows he'll take care of her. Brendan says Victoria's a gem to work with. I think it probably helps that his last full-time partner was the hideous hosebeast Bloody Lulu; I think Satan himself would probably be a more compliant partner than she was. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26 - a full ten points ahead of their score last week.
Next up are Michael and Natalie. Michael admits that he enjoyed last week's waltz, and Natalie says she couldn't have been happier with his performance last week - it was a great start to the series. This week they've got the jive, which feels like a very cruel draw for Michael so early on. His daughter turns up to rehearsals with her entire school, and that's pretty much the entirety of their VT.
Not that it matters, because they're doing all their talking on the dancefloor, AND HOW. Natalie, in her infinite wisdom, has choreographed a lumberjack-themed jive to 'This Ole House', starting with Michael chopping imaginary trees with a big glittery axe. The choreography is amazing, but Michael cannot do any of it. Unlike Nicky, however, he managed to be hilarious in the process. Watching Michael completely fail to jive is somehow hugely entertaining, because despite his lack of ability, he really is trying. The kicks section is a particularly delightful mess, as is the part where he randomly kicks Natalie in the arse for no apparent reason. I think it speaks volumes that even though I'm on a very tight deadline for writing this recap, I'm still going back to watch this again just for fun. Amazing. Even better is the end, where Natalie sits on the edge of a wheelbarrow and promptly falls in, then Michael wheels her over to the judges and she leans out to pick up the axe on the way. There just isn't enough "amazing" in the world to do that routine justice. There isn't even enough "amazing" in Leona Lewis's world.
Bruno opens: "OH BRUCE, GIVE ME THE AXE! OH MY GOD!" He says he's never seen such bad footwork, but it was so funny. "The timing was so bad, it was good. You couldn't do it worse." Craig says it was "one of the oddest jives I've ever witnessed in 10 series", adding "most of the time it looked like you were busting for a wee". Len appreciates the gusto and enthusiasm, but says "there was a lot going on, but unfortunately it was mostly bad". Darcey attempts to say "it was a great improvement", and Len snorts "on what?" Hee.
They scamper up to the Tess Circle with Natalie grinning and wielding the axe (AMAZING), and she manages to hold her conviction that she thought Michael was "great" for a full half a second before dissolving into giggles. I love Natalie so much. Scores: Craig 2, Darcey 5, Len 4, Bruno 4 for a total of 15. "Could be worse," says Natalie. Not according to Strictly history, it couldn't.
Louis's VT is given over in part to Darcey's giant ladyboner for him, and Flavia hopes they can "give her a little more enjoyment" over the next few weeks. Is she setting herself up as Louis's pimp? They're doing the Viennese waltz to 'Puppy Love', possibly the worst song in the history of forever, and Louis admits that he's struggling to convey the romanticism. With that song, I'll consider it an achievement if he makes it all the way through without vomiting.
They're dancing surrounded by peculiar heart-shaped topiary, and he's pretty good, although he's still doing snooty French waiter-face. Also, I'm repeatedly distracted by how utterly ridiculous his hair looks from behind. Dance-wise, however, it seems impressive, with some nicely deft footwork.
Darcey likes Louis's calm confidence and grace, but she wants more of an emotional connection between Louis and Flavia, yeah? She was impressed with the fleckerl, though. Len says he saw "more turns than the government" and great posture, and says it was the best dance of the night. Bruce unwisely tries to start a chant: "Well said Len! Well said Len! Well said Len! We like Roy! We like Roy!" Bruno thinks he did feel the emotional connection, and the ending was delicious. He agrees it was the best dance so far.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks if he feels like a ballroom dancer, and Louis says that he feels very dapper in that suit. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Look out everyone, Darcey's found a third paddle! There's no stopping her now!
Denise and James are next, and Denise says that dancing the waltz was the best feeling in the world but also the scariest. James has temporarily put his feud with Craig on the backburner because of his positive comments last week, but there might be a spat with Len in the offing after he criticised Denise's footwork. This week they've got the jive, which Denise admits is exhausting to rehearse repeatedly. "I'm dizzy enough as it is," she jokes. Then the tone changes, as James reveals that Denise turned up one morning with a pain in the neck, entirely separate from the pain in the neck who she was going to be training with. Then Denise went to physio and was diagnosed with mild whiplash. The end!
Their jive to 'Tutti Frutti' doesn't get off to the best of starts considering it involves a solo Denise gurning "where's James? WHERE'S JAMES?" - but then he turns up and they embark on a very impressive jive - full of precise kicks and spins and an energy level that never lets up for a second. I can overlook all that nonsense at the beginning when what follows is as good as that was.
They're completely out of breath at the end, so Bruce deliberately and cruelly says "I know you wanted to say a few words." Sometimes he really can be spontaneously funny, can't he? Darcey loved the jive and retracting kicks, but warns Denise not to put too much energy into her shoulders for the arm movements because it makes them jerky. Len breaks out "tutti frutti, what a booty!" once again and says it was fabulous - last week he was disappointed, this week he's delighted. Bruno asks her if the doctor fitted her with a turbo setting, and says that's the sort of jive they like to see. Craig calls it "FAB-U-LOUS!", which prompts James to run up and kiss him on the lips, and then Denise to run up and kiss him on the cheek. Honestly, no wonder society is crumbling with such wanton displays on omnisexuality on primetime BBC1.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess enquires after Denise's neck (she thinks she'll be in agony tomorrow) and asks if James is pushing her too hard (yes). Scores: eights all round for a total of 32.
Having to follow that are Johnny and Iveta. Johnny says that he enjoyed last week's dance, but the judges didn't seem to. Iveta says that if Johnny's biggest problem is miming along, then that's easily fixable. He's been training very hard - he's even there rehearsing by himself before Iveta gets there. The music editors are on fine form again, incidentally, because they're playing 'What The Hell' by Avril Lavigne underneath this. Iveta gaffer-tapes Johnny's mouth to stop him miming, and he says that he hopes the judges are watching his feet and his arms rather than his mouth.
They're dancing the foxtrot to 'Everything' by Michael Bublé, and despite Iveta's lovely choreography and her best attempts to cover it all up by constantly twirling about in front of Johnny, his footwork is pretty poor and his framing isn't great either. Still, he's clearly having a ball (no pun intended) so I don't feel I can be too critical.
Len tells Johnny that he does everything with enthusiasm, and this is the same. He was pleased with the movement around the floor, and the fact that it had a lot of content. Bruno thought the scene was set up very well, and he thought Johnny hit some very nice lines out of hold. And if there's one thing Bruno's familiar with, it's nice lines. However, in hold, Johnny got a little stiff. And I'm not going for the "stiff Johnny" joke because it's too easy, so there. Craig thought there were splayed hands on the back and some gapping caused by poor posture, but it was "a really decent effort". Darcey tells him to work on the top line, because Iveta needs his support, and tells him to believe in himself.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks him how it went, and Johnny admits the frame was weak and that's frustrating because he'd been working on that, but it was a lovely routine and Iveta is fabulous. Iveta says she was trying to bring the gentleman out of Johnny, and it's natural for him so he just has to be himself. Maybe that made more sense in the original Lithuanian. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 20.
Sid and Ola are next, and Sid says that his first few steps last Saturday were "a little bit dodge", but on the whole he enjoyed it, and he was overjoyed to get a SEV-UNN from Len. This week, Ola tells us, they are "attempting" the salsa, and Sid says that there's a lot going on: three lifts, a knee-slide, and one handed handstand. He thinks Ola doesn't realise that he's 40, and is just praying it comes together on the night.
They're dancing to 'Hips Don't Lie' (I'm amazed it's taken Ola this long to cast herself as Shakira) and it's a decent stab at a salsa, even if parts of it are a little bit Ola Jordan Latin-choreography-by-numbers. His hips are a bit rigid, ironically enough, but it's a good attempt at spectacle, which I suppose is half the battle.
Bruno says that he loved "the Sid Vicious attitude", but that disguised a lot of mistakes, and that he was off-time most of the way through. Craig agrees with Bruno, finding it hit-and-miss, but on the bright side, he loved the routine itself and thinks there is a lot of good in there. Darcey thinks the energy died in parts, but he partnered Ola brilliantly, and she felt very confident watching the lifts. Len says that the salsa is "from the Caribbean, Kingston, Jamaica" (hang on, isn't the salsa from Cuba?) and this was more "Kingston-upon-Thames" - it was too formal, then Sid went wrong and it all fell apart a bit.
Up in the Tess Circle, Sid admits that he got excited, but he did lose his steps a bit. Tess crows about the "Louis one-hand handstand" and asks Sid if there might be some splits in the future. "Maybe," says Sid uneasily. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 22. Sid and Ola seem a little disappointed, but Sid promises to keep working hard and says he's got a tango next week if he's still here.
Then we have Kimberley and Pasha with their foxtrot. Over footage of last week's comments from the judges, Kimberley giggles that she doesn't know what "incandescent" means, but she didn't think it was right to ask Craig at the time. She also hopes that "Nimble Kimble" catches on as a nickname. Pasha says that if you can get the foxtrot right, then you can dance, but Kimberley worries that she can't make it elegant and smooth. She says that she generally knows she's in the right position if she's in pain. Someone's obviously passed Kimberley an early draft of that sex manual I'm writing.
They're dancing to 'Someone Like You' by Adele. Oh, Pasha. Why must you put me through this? I feel like my hatred of this song has been well-documented in the past, but since they insist on confronting me with it: I don't understand what people find so relatable or romantic about it. If my ex turned up unannounced at the house I was living in with my new partner, some time after we broke up, and was all "I just felt the urge to come here and tell you that I'm completely fine, no hard feelings, I'm just going to find someone exactly like you and date them instead, and as long as you promise not to forget about me, then everything's going to be absolutely great", I would call the police. Anyway, to the dance: they start out of hold and it looks pretty good, but once she takes hold she starts to make a few mistakes, pulling away in the wrong direction and stumbling, and in the last third of the dance her frame completely goes to pot. It's a shame - I thought this was going to be a real showstopper at the start, but the delivery just wasn't there.
Craig thought it was gorgeous and he loved the routine, but he thought Kimberley's protruding jaw was a problem. "Yeah, but how do you think I feel?" snarks Bruce. Darcey thought Kimberley created a beautiful mood, but her top line gets soft and she needs to watch the gapping. She loved the line in her attitude promenade though - it may not have brought "the wow factor" she wanted, but it was a very nice foxtrot. Len thought it was limp and lacked conviction, and she went wrong - it's good enough, but his expectations for Kimberley are huge and she needs to do better. Bruno loved the set-up and the style, but she needs more body contact in hold and to lift from the spine. Overall, however, he thought it looked pretty.
Tess attempts to reassure Kimberley by saying it's the prettiest jaw she's ever seen. Kimberley admits that she was really nervous this week and she thinks that affected her. Tess asks how she plans to impress Len next week, and Kimberley says she just needs more time to get it into her body. Another excerpt from my sex manual, I really must find out who leaked that. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Kimberley's slightly reassured by that. Tess asks if she was more nervous because Nicola and Nuhdeen were in the audience, and Kimberley thinks it was more being so late in the running order. She should be careful what she wishes for, or she'll end up being put on first all the time like Alex Jones was, and risk having everyone forget you're even there by the time they open the phone lines.
On to Jerry and Anton, our penultimate couple for the evening. Jerry drawls that she thinks the dance went well, but what she really succeeded in was "working the fur shawl". This week they've got the foxtrot, and Anton's adamant that there's definitely enough content in this one. Jerry says that she's starting to feel a little competitive, but she doesn't want to be too good in the beginning so the other ones have a chance. I like that she has her own journey already mapped out. She's probably already requested which weeks she wants to be bottom two in and everything. Although if she carries on the way she's going at the moment, she might have to settle for "all of them".
They're dancing to 'Pennies From Heaven' and there is definitely a lot more content in this week's dance than there was in last week's. Her dancing's not too bad, though she's a little bit trippy and her hand is splayed across Anton's shoulder which doesn't look good at all. She also repeatedly forgets to keep her head in the correct position, and near the end she just sort of stands there vaguely gesturing with her arms, having seemingly completely lost the thread.
Darcey is pleased that Jerry has worked harder, and while she started with good posture, she lost it quite quickly. Len says "if you want to give the others a chance, you've accomplished that for sure". Heh. He liked the content, the heel turn, and the mix of steps, but Jerry is too vertical and she needs to move away from Anton. Sound advice for everyone, I suspect. Bruno thinks Jerry was stuck on Anton like Velcro, and was letting him do all the work, but he enjoyed the content. Craig says "it looked like Anton was dancing with Mr Burns, darling" and says that the last time he saw posture like that, it was in his garden on a preying mantis. "He hasn't got a garden!" jeers Anton. Yeah, the man never drank a Duff in his life!
They take their time on their way up to the Tess Circle, and Anton snarks that all those impersonations the judges were doing were the worst accents he's ever heard. Tess asks Jerry if her modelling background will help her with the posture (like Tess is in ANY position to talk about posture), and Jerry jokes that it's just hard to keep herself away from Anton. Anton says that if they're still here next week, they'll be doing a quickstep - "a lot of steps, and they're all quick." Thanks Anton! Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18.
Finally, we have Lisa and Robin. Lisa was amazed at how well last week's routine went, and topping the leaderboard made it the best night of her life - however, now she's got to do the Viennese waltz and she's worried it's going to go pear-shaped. She admits that she's more of a "fast, boppy girl" than a "structured ballerina", and thinks she's not out of the danger zone despite last week's performance.
Robin has choreographed a Cinderella-themed routine to Paloma Faith's cover of 'Never Tear Us Apart' (it's been a good show for John Lewis tonight, hasn't it?), in a clear bid to challenge Erin for the gayness crown of the evening. Inevitably, it's not as slick as her performance last week was, because she can't just get through the whole thing on energy and jazz hands alone, but it's still a very creditable effort: I think she needs to tone down the head-splitting grin a tad, but her footwork seems strong and the storytelling is good. She just needs to work on finishing her lines a bit more cleanly and just take her time over the movements a bit more, and I think she could be just as good at ballroom as she was in her Latin last week.
The crowd are on their feet and whooping for Lisa, and Len says that it was a panto - with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the fairy godmother (indicates Darcy), the ugly sisters (Craig and Bruno) and Baron Hardup (himself). He thought she was fabulous out of hold, but she needs to come and see him after the show for some pointers about her work in hold. Bruno loves that she gives full-on entertainment, but sometimes she was so into it that she looked like she was leading Robin, so she needs to be more refined. Craig thought she danced with great dexterity and a lightness that he didn't expect - it was graceful, but she does need to let the man lead. Darcey loves the focus in Lisa's eyes and the mood that she creates, but she grabs Robin too hard and needs to let him be the one doing the grabbing. Somewhere up in the Tess Circle, Artem's like "please, yes, do that. It'll give me a break."
Speaking of the Tess Circle, Lisa says she felt like a princess, but now she needs to get back to her Northern Roots. She's Northern! Don't forget that! Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 25.
So, let's look at that leaderboard:
1st: Louis & Flavia (27 + 30 = 57)
1st: Denise & James (25 + 32 = 57)
3rd: Lisa & Robin (30 + 25 = 55)
4th: Kimberley & Pasha (28 + 26 = 54)
5th: Dani & Vincent (21 + 27 = 48)
5th: Sid & Ola (26 + 22 = 48)
7th: Colin & Kristina (23 + 24 = 47)
8th: Fern & Artem (19 + 24 = 43)
9th: Victoria & Brendan (16 + 26 = 42)
10th: Richard & Erin (22 + 19 = 41)
11th: Johnny & Iveta (17 + 20 = 37)
12th: Jerry & Anton (18 + 18 = 36)
13th: Nicky & Karen (17 + 18 = 35)
13th: Michael & Natalie (20 + 15 = 35)
One couple's going home tomorrow. And if it's Richard & Erin, then it's basically a hate crime. I'm just saying.
So, last week: 14 stars went "supernova". According to Wikipedia, "Supernovae are extremely luminous and cause a burst of radiation that often briefly outshines an entire galaxy, before fading from view over several weeks or months." Sounds about right to me. Tess's VO continues that the stars showed us what they were made of: wicker, in Michael's case, and jelly in Victoria's. This week: it's time for the first elimination, and everyone's screaming because the dance-off is back, so they know they're inevitably going to face at least one Sunday show where Len's grousing about how the dance-off's supposed to let him choose to save a good dancer over a bad one, but instead he's had to choose between THE TWO BEST ONES or something. Then they realise they need our votes so they all start mugging for the cameras. Considering the sort of base level that Denise started at, I can only assume that several weeks of begging for votes will leave her gurning so much that she'll start developing extra chins. Anyway, on with the show.
Titles! Interestingly, Iveta has now replaced Aliona in the shot of Johnny. Since Hollywood movies (and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model) have taught me that eastern Europeans are all evil, I hope this was all part of Iveta's diabolical plan, and that her next move is to digitally insert herself into all of Harry Judd's routines and have herself declared 2011 champion.
Live from London, we have a Bruce, and we have a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: an absolute fiasco. It's a black figure-hugging bodice that's turned into a dress by having acres of sheer fabric draped over it, with splits all down the legs. My first thought was that someone had misread the calendar and dressed Tess for Halloween week a couple of weeks too early. I'm trying to figure out if it would look any better if the dress actually fitted her properly, and to be honest, I'm not sure that would make much difference. What might help would be if she STOOD UP STRAIGHT, but I know better than to expect that these days. Tess and Brucie have their now-customary fist-bump, and Bruce does his intro joke in which he says that one of the celebrities gave him a lift back home at 90mph on the motorway. The joke's a bit poorly constructed, because as soon as he says "Victoria Pendleton!" everybody laughs, even though that's not the whole punchline - and this, of course, throws Bruce right off, and he insists on waiting for everyone to fall silent before adding "if you don't slow down, I'm going to fall off these handlebars!" rather than just carrying on. Spotted in the audience: Nicola and Nuhdeen from Girls Aloud, sitting together, possibly offering each other consolations on the respective commercial failures of their solo careers. (Also Nicola's album is still amazing, just putting that out there.)
Here are the stars of our show: Kimberley and Pasha, Nicky and Karen, Fern and Artem, Michael and Natalie, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Dani and Vincent, Sid and Ola, Denise and James, Richard and Erin (I'll describe what they're wearing later, but HOLY CRAP), Victoria and Brendan, Colin and Kristina, Jerry and Anton, and finally Johnny and Iveta. There's a little bit more shimmying in the last few bars tonight, so everyone's gradually getting the message.
Bruce and Tess remind us that last week's scores will be combined with this week's and added to the public vote in a series of increasingly complicated algorithms to determine who faces the damn dance-off, and then we learn that joining Karen Hardy for red button commentary this week is Rufus Hound. So that's two whole shows they managed before they ran out of people who were actually relevant to the show. I can't believe Dr Hamela Stephenson wasn't available and absolutely gagging to do it. Maybe they just lost her number or something. Or "lost" her number, rather.
Dancing first tonight are Nicky and Karen. Their intro involves Bruce attempting a comedy Venezuelan accent, and Tess chuckling nervously in a "I'm not entirely sure if that was racist so I don't want to actually be seen endorsing it" fashion. Last week's dance went poorly, and the editing decides to blame Karen's illegal lift rather than Nicky's hideous posture and lumbering rise-and-fall. Nicky passive-aggressively says that this is exactly what he didn't need in his first week, while Karen smirks that everyone makes mistakes, and that she probably won't make the same mistake again in a manner that suggests she'll just make various other entirely separate "mistakes" instead. This week they've got the cha cha cha, and Nicky's pleased with his routine - but struggling to get it right. "This is the first time that he's ever walked out of the room," Karen shares. It's true. Every morning she arrives at rehearsals only to find poor Nicky huddled on the floor looking sad, hungry and confused because he still hasn't managed to find the door.
They're dancing to 'Dynamite' by Taio Cruz, and Nicky's wearing a hooded bedazzled leather jacket and looking like some sort of gay bondage superhero. Unwisely, Karen's left him to dance on his own for the first few bars and he just sort of stumbles around waggling his arse and clapping his hands in the air like it's almost chucking-out time at Jumping Jacks, then Karen appears dressed as Frank N Furter, and the two of them join forces - she's doing a cha cha cha, he's just doing generic club dancing. While I'm sure it's not to everyone's taste, I don't think Karen's choreography is the problem here: it's Nicky's inability to do what she's given him. He's flat-footed and stompy and far more suited to Let's Dance Comically For Relief than this show.
Nicky and Karen head over to the judges for their feedback, and Christ alive, when Nicky stands in profile you can see quite the bulge in his trousers. Mrs Nicky is a lucky woman. Len, opening for the judges, claims that he's "a cup of tea in a world of lattes" and says that from the point of view of a traditionalist, it was too much "boyband dancing" and not enough cha cha cha. Bruno thinks Nicky looks more "switched-on" tonight (clearly I wasn't the only one looking at Nicky's trousers) and while it was a bit "Take That 1995", he doesn't mind that - the problem was more that Nicky lost timing at the end. Craig thought it was "like a Zumba exercise class" and Karen makes a "that was totally what I was going for, really" face. He noticed that Nicky had some rotation in the hip department, but that left his body when he moved. However, the energy and commitment was good. Darcey thinks there was confidence and attitude, but not enough cha cha cha. However, she thinks it was a great contrast from last week. That's true, his hands didn't go into his pockets once.
They mosh their way up to the Tess Circle, where Nicky says that it went terribly because he couldn't hear the beat at the start and ended up making it up as he went along. He admits that although they worked hard, it didn't come off. "Don't be like that!" shouts Brendan, and everyone chimes in supportively. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Len 4, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. Tess announces the brand new mobile-voting system that means Strictly has proudly joined the 20th century at last, and then we move ahead to...
...our next couple, Colin and Kristina. Colin says he panicked a bit last week when faced with the lights and the judges and the baying crowd, but then Len told them it was the best cha cha cha of the night (out of three, one of which Victoria forgot almost the entirety of) and that made everything better. Kristina reveals that Colin is finding the Viennese waltz harder, because he is six times her size, and that makes attaining the correct posture rather difficult. This is giving him all of the aches and pains, but he vows to nail it on the night nonetheless. I can't believe it's week two and this still wasn't the segue into a comedy VT where poor, aching 50-year-old Colin goes to see Dr Kristina for some dance medicine or something. I miss Evil Moira Ross.
They're dancing to 'Kiss From A Rose', and the second they take hold, the problems created by their considerable height difference become apparent: Colin looks like he's holding a straw doll or something, or like he's reached that point in the wedding where the dads dance around with their daughters standing on their feet. It's still a decent performance, but the fact that he has to take tiny steps while Kristina takes great strides really doesn't do either of them any favours.
Bruce welcomes the fabulous singers, Dave Arch and his wonderful orchestra, and then Bruno tells Colin that he has "plenty of length to work with" (fnar), but when he goes in hold he needed more musicality, more sweep and not to lean forward. He found it a bit too careful, overall. Craig agrees - there were some nice lines, but the double-hand-flicking is "quite vexatious, darling" and he doesn't know why Colin is doing it. He thinks there's too much rise and fall, but he thinks Colin is dancing to his height, which is good to see. Darcey tells Colin that he has the perfect frame, but he has to watch not to stoop, and to lift his chin but not stare at the ceiling. Nonetheless, she congratulates him on being "a man that can ballroom and Latin", while I commiserate her on being a woman who can noun but struggles to verb. Still, at least the "okays" and "yahs" are being kept at bay so far. Len wants Colin to step out more and thought it was a bit timid, but he liked the characterisation and the elegance. He agrees with Craig that Colin danced to his height, and tells him not to be worried about taking big strides because Kristina will keep up. Yes, she's going to get jet-powered roller skates.
They take GIANT STRIDES up to the Tess Circle where the talk is still all about the height difference, and Tess reveals that during the dance, Jerry said "mmm-hmmm, he's a long tall drink". Credit where it's due: you'd think Tess's impression of a Texan supermodel would be appalling, but she actually got the voice and the accent pretty well. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24.
Our third couple are Dani and Vincent. Nicola Roberts earns a few pennies in royalties as 'Yo-Yo' plays over the footage of Dani being hamstrung by her nerves last week, and Dani vows to put it behind her because she's excited to be doing the salsa. They've got a tricky lift in there which they're having a bit of trouble with because in rehearsals they're all arms and flailing legs. Vincent notes that "there's different ways of jumping on a man" (that's what she said) and Dani needs to learn to jump like a dancer. Dani tells us that we'll see "a lot more Dani" in the salsa. Judging from how that lift was going in training and the relatively short dress she's wearing, we might end up seeing more Dani than anyone intended.
They're dancing to 'Mama Do The Hump' (amazing) and there's a Pac-Man theme on the screens behind them (no apparent reason for it, but still: amazing). Dani looks a lot less nervous and while her dancing still needs refinement because it's a bit sloppy in places, this is a clear improvement. She does a flip over Vincent's shoulder that comes off well, but the second lift later in the programme doesn't work quite so well as it's a bit inelegant and there are limbs flying everywhere and Dani just seems to plummet earthwards at the end of it: to be fair, she does seem to manage a fairly soft landing, but it just doesn't look very slick. Still, despite the sloppiness, I really enjoyed watching that.
Bruce snarks "that was a lovely song. Beautiful words!" Heh. Craig says that this dance suits the "smaller-type person" which gets a horrified gasp from the audience for some reason. He liked the energy but not the dismount in the second lift - "you sort of just went splat, darling." Darcey thinks it's great to see Dani having fun, and the isolations of the upper body were great, but she wants to see more hips. (There was a "yeah" and an "okay" in there as well, but she's clearly working hard to rein them in this week, so I'll do her the courtesy of not transcribing all of them.) Len calls Dani a "little munchkin" and applauds her for the clean, clever performance. Bruno tells Dani "you didn't splatter, you blossomed tonight" - he liked the content and the arm passes, but agrees with Darcey that Dani needs to work on those hips.
They shimmy up to the Tess Circle, where Tess is impressed by the body rolls. Dani says that her nerves were much better this week, and that the lifts were "interesting in rehearsals". Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Just to clarify: Darcey apparently thought Dani's salsa was worth only one point more than Nicky's cha cha cha. Darcey, I'm going to take those paddles away from you if you can't be trusted to use them properly.
Next are Fern and Artem. Apparently Fern's asked Bruce not to make any more puns about her name and focus on her dancing instead, and Bruce says that he will because "it's obvious that Britton's got talent". This is mainly noteworthy for Bruce screaming "no!" afterwards in a manner that suggests all of the show's staff have been rigged up to a system that shocks them if they make the audience think about that turncoat Alesha. Last week Fern's skirt-wafting was a matter of some controvery, but Artem declares that he likes "skirt-ography". This week they've got the Viennese waltz, and Artem has been getting very frustrated with Fern, which in turn frustrates her. However, even frustrated Artem looks a bit checked-out. Are we absolutely sure Artem hasn't had his yearly injury yet? He really does seem rather sedated.
They're dancing to 'She's Always A Woman' (John Lewis advert edition). There's more skirt-wafting in there, to the point where I can only assume that Artem is getting very impatient waiting for the paso doble and this is the only way he can cope. It's not bad - some of her arm extensions are a bit crooked, the pace is a little sluggish, and her beatific grin throughout is quite funny, but the storytelling is nice and as far as I can tell, the footwork is pretty good, so it's something of a mixed bag.
Darcey says that it's nice to see Fern travelling, but she needs to keep it smooth. She warns Fern to follow through on her arm extensions, right to the fingertips, and to "believe in yourself and the confidence will follow". That's a direct excerpt from The Little Book of Tautologies, if memory serves. Len noted the wafting once more, and now claims that he likes a waft. He thinks Fern's posture still needs work, but it was better than last week, so she's going in the right direction. Bruno tells her to watch it with the arms because sometime she looks "like you're casually dusting", but she always comes alive in hold. Finally, Craig tells her to tuck her thumb under (Fern exclaims "oh, man!" in a tone that implies Artem's warned her about that already and she totally forgot), but he liked the flow around the floor.
There's confusion in the Tess Circle where Tess claims that Craig said the f-word ("fantastic"), but neither Fern nor Artem actually noticed this and Fern's far too preoccupied with that to actually listen to anything else Tess says. Fern says that she doesn't want to let Artem down, and she also has her hand on his ass pretty much the whole time. I can't blame her: wouldn't you, in her position? Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. "Perfect!" declares Fern, who seems to think she's on an early series of Dancing On Ice.
Next up are Richard and Erin. Last week, Richard's waltz was appreciated by Len and Craig, but less so by Darcey and Bruno who thought it wasn't gay enough. Erin, bless her heart, has taken this as a serious personal affront and thus her self-given brief for this week's cha cha cha was "you want gay? I'll give you so much gay you'll be sneezing amyl nitrate for a week". Richard says he needs to work on the balance of getting his feet right and giving it the personality, and he thinks his feet might end up being the casualties.
They're dancing to 'Love Shack' (AMAZING), while wearing extremely loud pink and green floral prints (AMAZING) and Richard's hair has been seriously quiffed up. There's a sign-post on the side of the stage with arrows pointing to the love shack, the BBC canteen, and Craig's sense of humour (that one's pointing to the floor, because Craig's sense of humour is back in Australia, lolz) - as visual gags go, it's decent enough, but it is also right in the way of the camera for a good third of the dance, so from a sightline perspective, it's a bit annoying. The whole thing is an absolute gaysplosion; they're both miming along, and Richard's free arm is a bit wafty, but really this is just an excellent lesson in why you should never, ever get into a gay-off with Erin Boag, because she will win at all costs.
Bruno's aghast, saying it was "blissfully barmy" - it was the weirdest cha cha cha, but "in a sick way, I enjoyed it". Craig wasn't entirely convinced that Richard wanted to take Erin to a love shack (heh), and thought the cha cha cha walks belonged in a drag show. Darcey says "this is the Richard I wanted to see, relaxed, full of life, GAY GAY GAY DO EVERYTHING GAY LIKE THIS." I might have paraphrased slightly. However, she has something to say to Erin, at which point Erin pulls an amazing "oh really? You have a note for me? Well, let's hear it then, DARCEY SO-CALLED BUSSELL" face. Apparently Darcey wants more tension in the arms, and she needs Richard to lead Erin. Len says that Richard's free arm was "hanging down like a bit of cotton from a knicker leg" and scolds Richard for being a better dancer than that, who ought to be above such wanton campery. "Certain people need to do all that; you don't." It's scaring me how much I'm agreeing with Len this year.
Up they GAY to the Tess Circle, and Tess asks Richard how it went. Richard turns the question on Erin: "how do you think it went love?" and collapses into giggles. Erin thinks it went great - she saw everyone doing the mashed potato! Tess asks Richard what he plans to bring to the competition next week. "Apparently, tighter knicker elastic!" he quips. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 6, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. I think the lesson here is that if you have the choice between pleasing Craig and Len or pleasing Bruno and Darcey, always go with the former. The other lesson appears to be that Darcey only has two paddles. Fuck's sake, Darcey.
Next are Victoria and Brendan. Bruce does a gag about how they ran kate last Friday and
didn't have enough time for Craig's comments, and if they run late again, they'll have to skip Craig's feedback once more. He then proceeds to potter aimlessly about the stage, chatting with the audience and the band for a minute or so. I assume that was the punchline to his joke, but you can never be entirely sure with Bruce. Victoria was disappointed to fuck up last week, while Brendan says that you can never tell how something will go: they ran it four times in the corridor before the show and it was really good (indeed, the footage does seem to back this up) but it just went wrong on the live show. Victoria says she was annoyed to have put so much work in and then not deliver at the crucial moment. This week she's been practising in a big swooshy skirt and getting quite distracted by it. Brendan says she's come back firing, and Victoria says it's essential for her to improve and get herself off the bottom of the leaderboard.
They're doing a foxtrot to 'Moondance', and it's a better showing than last week, not that that would be difficult. She still looks a little unsteady on her feet out of hold, but once they pair up they deliver a pretty good routine together. There's still some awkwardness that she needs to work on: at one point near the end when she spins into Brendan's arms, she doesn't quite move her own arm out of the way in time and ends up with her elbow planted into his chest and pretty much backhanding him across the face. She's still very tottery in those heels, too, but I'm sure the overall quality of that performance will be a big relief to both of them.
Len calls it "clean, classy and confident - a fantastic improvement". The transitions in and out of hold need work, but apart from that, it was good. Bruno thinks Victoria is back in the race, but needs to work on her turns because she's not spotting. Craig point out that she remembered it: "that's got to be worth at least one point". He thought the turns were rigid, and when she turns back into hold she needs to get her arm out of the way faster, but it was good. Darcey warns her to watch her flayed fingers, but she thinks now Victoria's going to start having fun.
They get a hero's welcome in the Tess Circle for that, and Victoria says that she's been holding on to Brendan because she knows he'll take care of her. Brendan says Victoria's a gem to work with. I think it probably helps that his last full-time partner was the hideous hosebeast Bloody Lulu; I think Satan himself would probably be a more compliant partner than she was. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26 - a full ten points ahead of their score last week.
Next up are Michael and Natalie. Michael admits that he enjoyed last week's waltz, and Natalie says she couldn't have been happier with his performance last week - it was a great start to the series. This week they've got the jive, which feels like a very cruel draw for Michael so early on. His daughter turns up to rehearsals with her entire school, and that's pretty much the entirety of their VT.
Not that it matters, because they're doing all their talking on the dancefloor, AND HOW. Natalie, in her infinite wisdom, has choreographed a lumberjack-themed jive to 'This Ole House', starting with Michael chopping imaginary trees with a big glittery axe. The choreography is amazing, but Michael cannot do any of it. Unlike Nicky, however, he managed to be hilarious in the process. Watching Michael completely fail to jive is somehow hugely entertaining, because despite his lack of ability, he really is trying. The kicks section is a particularly delightful mess, as is the part where he randomly kicks Natalie in the arse for no apparent reason. I think it speaks volumes that even though I'm on a very tight deadline for writing this recap, I'm still going back to watch this again just for fun. Amazing. Even better is the end, where Natalie sits on the edge of a wheelbarrow and promptly falls in, then Michael wheels her over to the judges and she leans out to pick up the axe on the way. There just isn't enough "amazing" in the world to do that routine justice. There isn't even enough "amazing" in Leona Lewis's world.
Bruno opens: "OH BRUCE, GIVE ME THE AXE! OH MY GOD!" He says he's never seen such bad footwork, but it was so funny. "The timing was so bad, it was good. You couldn't do it worse." Craig says it was "one of the oddest jives I've ever witnessed in 10 series", adding "most of the time it looked like you were busting for a wee". Len appreciates the gusto and enthusiasm, but says "there was a lot going on, but unfortunately it was mostly bad". Darcey attempts to say "it was a great improvement", and Len snorts "on what?" Hee.
They scamper up to the Tess Circle with Natalie grinning and wielding the axe (AMAZING), and she manages to hold her conviction that she thought Michael was "great" for a full half a second before dissolving into giggles. I love Natalie so much. Scores: Craig 2, Darcey 5, Len 4, Bruno 4 for a total of 15. "Could be worse," says Natalie. Not according to Strictly history, it couldn't.
Louis's VT is given over in part to Darcey's giant ladyboner for him, and Flavia hopes they can "give her a little more enjoyment" over the next few weeks. Is she setting herself up as Louis's pimp? They're doing the Viennese waltz to 'Puppy Love', possibly the worst song in the history of forever, and Louis admits that he's struggling to convey the romanticism. With that song, I'll consider it an achievement if he makes it all the way through without vomiting.
They're dancing surrounded by peculiar heart-shaped topiary, and he's pretty good, although he's still doing snooty French waiter-face. Also, I'm repeatedly distracted by how utterly ridiculous his hair looks from behind. Dance-wise, however, it seems impressive, with some nicely deft footwork.
Darcey likes Louis's calm confidence and grace, but she wants more of an emotional connection between Louis and Flavia, yeah? She was impressed with the fleckerl, though. Len says he saw "more turns than the government" and great posture, and says it was the best dance of the night. Bruce unwisely tries to start a chant: "Well said Len! Well said Len! Well said Len! We like Roy! We like Roy!" Bruno thinks he did feel the emotional connection, and the ending was delicious. He agrees it was the best dance so far.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks if he feels like a ballroom dancer, and Louis says that he feels very dapper in that suit. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Look out everyone, Darcey's found a third paddle! There's no stopping her now!
Denise and James are next, and Denise says that dancing the waltz was the best feeling in the world but also the scariest. James has temporarily put his feud with Craig on the backburner because of his positive comments last week, but there might be a spat with Len in the offing after he criticised Denise's footwork. This week they've got the jive, which Denise admits is exhausting to rehearse repeatedly. "I'm dizzy enough as it is," she jokes. Then the tone changes, as James reveals that Denise turned up one morning with a pain in the neck, entirely separate from the pain in the neck who she was going to be training with. Then Denise went to physio and was diagnosed with mild whiplash. The end!
Their jive to 'Tutti Frutti' doesn't get off to the best of starts considering it involves a solo Denise gurning "where's James? WHERE'S JAMES?" - but then he turns up and they embark on a very impressive jive - full of precise kicks and spins and an energy level that never lets up for a second. I can overlook all that nonsense at the beginning when what follows is as good as that was.
They're completely out of breath at the end, so Bruce deliberately and cruelly says "I know you wanted to say a few words." Sometimes he really can be spontaneously funny, can't he? Darcey loved the jive and retracting kicks, but warns Denise not to put too much energy into her shoulders for the arm movements because it makes them jerky. Len breaks out "tutti frutti, what a booty!" once again and says it was fabulous - last week he was disappointed, this week he's delighted. Bruno asks her if the doctor fitted her with a turbo setting, and says that's the sort of jive they like to see. Craig calls it "FAB-U-LOUS!", which prompts James to run up and kiss him on the lips, and then Denise to run up and kiss him on the cheek. Honestly, no wonder society is crumbling with such wanton displays on omnisexuality on primetime BBC1.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess enquires after Denise's neck (she thinks she'll be in agony tomorrow) and asks if James is pushing her too hard (yes). Scores: eights all round for a total of 32.
Having to follow that are Johnny and Iveta. Johnny says that he enjoyed last week's dance, but the judges didn't seem to. Iveta says that if Johnny's biggest problem is miming along, then that's easily fixable. He's been training very hard - he's even there rehearsing by himself before Iveta gets there. The music editors are on fine form again, incidentally, because they're playing 'What The Hell' by Avril Lavigne underneath this. Iveta gaffer-tapes Johnny's mouth to stop him miming, and he says that he hopes the judges are watching his feet and his arms rather than his mouth.
They're dancing the foxtrot to 'Everything' by Michael Bublé, and despite Iveta's lovely choreography and her best attempts to cover it all up by constantly twirling about in front of Johnny, his footwork is pretty poor and his framing isn't great either. Still, he's clearly having a ball (no pun intended) so I don't feel I can be too critical.
Len tells Johnny that he does everything with enthusiasm, and this is the same. He was pleased with the movement around the floor, and the fact that it had a lot of content. Bruno thought the scene was set up very well, and he thought Johnny hit some very nice lines out of hold. And if there's one thing Bruno's familiar with, it's nice lines. However, in hold, Johnny got a little stiff. And I'm not going for the "stiff Johnny" joke because it's too easy, so there. Craig thought there were splayed hands on the back and some gapping caused by poor posture, but it was "a really decent effort". Darcey tells him to work on the top line, because Iveta needs his support, and tells him to believe in himself.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks him how it went, and Johnny admits the frame was weak and that's frustrating because he'd been working on that, but it was a lovely routine and Iveta is fabulous. Iveta says she was trying to bring the gentleman out of Johnny, and it's natural for him so he just has to be himself. Maybe that made more sense in the original Lithuanian. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 20.
Sid and Ola are next, and Sid says that his first few steps last Saturday were "a little bit dodge", but on the whole he enjoyed it, and he was overjoyed to get a SEV-UNN from Len. This week, Ola tells us, they are "attempting" the salsa, and Sid says that there's a lot going on: three lifts, a knee-slide, and one handed handstand. He thinks Ola doesn't realise that he's 40, and is just praying it comes together on the night.
They're dancing to 'Hips Don't Lie' (I'm amazed it's taken Ola this long to cast herself as Shakira) and it's a decent stab at a salsa, even if parts of it are a little bit Ola Jordan Latin-choreography-by-numbers. His hips are a bit rigid, ironically enough, but it's a good attempt at spectacle, which I suppose is half the battle.
Bruno says that he loved "the Sid Vicious attitude", but that disguised a lot of mistakes, and that he was off-time most of the way through. Craig agrees with Bruno, finding it hit-and-miss, but on the bright side, he loved the routine itself and thinks there is a lot of good in there. Darcey thinks the energy died in parts, but he partnered Ola brilliantly, and she felt very confident watching the lifts. Len says that the salsa is "from the Caribbean, Kingston, Jamaica" (hang on, isn't the salsa from Cuba?) and this was more "Kingston-upon-Thames" - it was too formal, then Sid went wrong and it all fell apart a bit.
Up in the Tess Circle, Sid admits that he got excited, but he did lose his steps a bit. Tess crows about the "Louis one-hand handstand" and asks Sid if there might be some splits in the future. "Maybe," says Sid uneasily. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 22. Sid and Ola seem a little disappointed, but Sid promises to keep working hard and says he's got a tango next week if he's still here.
Then we have Kimberley and Pasha with their foxtrot. Over footage of last week's comments from the judges, Kimberley giggles that she doesn't know what "incandescent" means, but she didn't think it was right to ask Craig at the time. She also hopes that "Nimble Kimble" catches on as a nickname. Pasha says that if you can get the foxtrot right, then you can dance, but Kimberley worries that she can't make it elegant and smooth. She says that she generally knows she's in the right position if she's in pain. Someone's obviously passed Kimberley an early draft of that sex manual I'm writing.
They're dancing to 'Someone Like You' by Adele. Oh, Pasha. Why must you put me through this? I feel like my hatred of this song has been well-documented in the past, but since they insist on confronting me with it: I don't understand what people find so relatable or romantic about it. If my ex turned up unannounced at the house I was living in with my new partner, some time after we broke up, and was all "I just felt the urge to come here and tell you that I'm completely fine, no hard feelings, I'm just going to find someone exactly like you and date them instead, and as long as you promise not to forget about me, then everything's going to be absolutely great", I would call the police. Anyway, to the dance: they start out of hold and it looks pretty good, but once she takes hold she starts to make a few mistakes, pulling away in the wrong direction and stumbling, and in the last third of the dance her frame completely goes to pot. It's a shame - I thought this was going to be a real showstopper at the start, but the delivery just wasn't there.
Craig thought it was gorgeous and he loved the routine, but he thought Kimberley's protruding jaw was a problem. "Yeah, but how do you think I feel?" snarks Bruce. Darcey thought Kimberley created a beautiful mood, but her top line gets soft and she needs to watch the gapping. She loved the line in her attitude promenade though - it may not have brought "the wow factor" she wanted, but it was a very nice foxtrot. Len thought it was limp and lacked conviction, and she went wrong - it's good enough, but his expectations for Kimberley are huge and she needs to do better. Bruno loved the set-up and the style, but she needs more body contact in hold and to lift from the spine. Overall, however, he thought it looked pretty.
Tess attempts to reassure Kimberley by saying it's the prettiest jaw she's ever seen. Kimberley admits that she was really nervous this week and she thinks that affected her. Tess asks how she plans to impress Len next week, and Kimberley says she just needs more time to get it into her body. Another excerpt from my sex manual, I really must find out who leaked that. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Kimberley's slightly reassured by that. Tess asks if she was more nervous because Nicola and Nuhdeen were in the audience, and Kimberley thinks it was more being so late in the running order. She should be careful what she wishes for, or she'll end up being put on first all the time like Alex Jones was, and risk having everyone forget you're even there by the time they open the phone lines.
On to Jerry and Anton, our penultimate couple for the evening. Jerry drawls that she thinks the dance went well, but what she really succeeded in was "working the fur shawl". This week they've got the foxtrot, and Anton's adamant that there's definitely enough content in this one. Jerry says that she's starting to feel a little competitive, but she doesn't want to be too good in the beginning so the other ones have a chance. I like that she has her own journey already mapped out. She's probably already requested which weeks she wants to be bottom two in and everything. Although if she carries on the way she's going at the moment, she might have to settle for "all of them".
They're dancing to 'Pennies From Heaven' and there is definitely a lot more content in this week's dance than there was in last week's. Her dancing's not too bad, though she's a little bit trippy and her hand is splayed across Anton's shoulder which doesn't look good at all. She also repeatedly forgets to keep her head in the correct position, and near the end she just sort of stands there vaguely gesturing with her arms, having seemingly completely lost the thread.
Darcey is pleased that Jerry has worked harder, and while she started with good posture, she lost it quite quickly. Len says "if you want to give the others a chance, you've accomplished that for sure". Heh. He liked the content, the heel turn, and the mix of steps, but Jerry is too vertical and she needs to move away from Anton. Sound advice for everyone, I suspect. Bruno thinks Jerry was stuck on Anton like Velcro, and was letting him do all the work, but he enjoyed the content. Craig says "it looked like Anton was dancing with Mr Burns, darling" and says that the last time he saw posture like that, it was in his garden on a preying mantis. "He hasn't got a garden!" jeers Anton. Yeah, the man never drank a Duff in his life!
They take their time on their way up to the Tess Circle, and Anton snarks that all those impersonations the judges were doing were the worst accents he's ever heard. Tess asks Jerry if her modelling background will help her with the posture (like Tess is in ANY position to talk about posture), and Jerry jokes that it's just hard to keep herself away from Anton. Anton says that if they're still here next week, they'll be doing a quickstep - "a lot of steps, and they're all quick." Thanks Anton! Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18.
Finally, we have Lisa and Robin. Lisa was amazed at how well last week's routine went, and topping the leaderboard made it the best night of her life - however, now she's got to do the Viennese waltz and she's worried it's going to go pear-shaped. She admits that she's more of a "fast, boppy girl" than a "structured ballerina", and thinks she's not out of the danger zone despite last week's performance.
Robin has choreographed a Cinderella-themed routine to Paloma Faith's cover of 'Never Tear Us Apart' (it's been a good show for John Lewis tonight, hasn't it?), in a clear bid to challenge Erin for the gayness crown of the evening. Inevitably, it's not as slick as her performance last week was, because she can't just get through the whole thing on energy and jazz hands alone, but it's still a very creditable effort: I think she needs to tone down the head-splitting grin a tad, but her footwork seems strong and the storytelling is good. She just needs to work on finishing her lines a bit more cleanly and just take her time over the movements a bit more, and I think she could be just as good at ballroom as she was in her Latin last week.
The crowd are on their feet and whooping for Lisa, and Len says that it was a panto - with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the fairy godmother (indicates Darcy), the ugly sisters (Craig and Bruno) and Baron Hardup (himself). He thought she was fabulous out of hold, but she needs to come and see him after the show for some pointers about her work in hold. Bruno loves that she gives full-on entertainment, but sometimes she was so into it that she looked like she was leading Robin, so she needs to be more refined. Craig thought she danced with great dexterity and a lightness that he didn't expect - it was graceful, but she does need to let the man lead. Darcey loves the focus in Lisa's eyes and the mood that she creates, but she grabs Robin too hard and needs to let him be the one doing the grabbing. Somewhere up in the Tess Circle, Artem's like "please, yes, do that. It'll give me a break."
Speaking of the Tess Circle, Lisa says she felt like a princess, but now she needs to get back to her Northern Roots. She's Northern! Don't forget that! Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 25.
So, let's look at that leaderboard:
1st: Louis & Flavia (27 + 30 = 57)
1st: Denise & James (25 + 32 = 57)
3rd: Lisa & Robin (30 + 25 = 55)
4th: Kimberley & Pasha (28 + 26 = 54)
5th: Dani & Vincent (21 + 27 = 48)
5th: Sid & Ola (26 + 22 = 48)
7th: Colin & Kristina (23 + 24 = 47)
8th: Fern & Artem (19 + 24 = 43)
9th: Victoria & Brendan (16 + 26 = 42)
10th: Richard & Erin (22 + 19 = 41)
11th: Johnny & Iveta (17 + 20 = 37)
12th: Jerry & Anton (18 + 18 = 36)
13th: Nicky & Karen (17 + 18 = 35)
13th: Michael & Natalie (20 + 15 = 35)
One couple's going home tomorrow. And if it's Richard & Erin, then it's basically a hate crime. I'm just saying.
Friday, 12 October 2012
This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...
- Zoe still has nightmares about Russell Grant. Don't worry, Zoe: so do I.
- They've got A NEW SET!!! I bet Claudia's kicking herself for not coming back.
- A complication with the lift in Saturday's pro dance rehearsal involved Ola kicking James in the face.
- Kids love Strictly, and kids love Dani Harmer. That's an excerpt from the forthcoming self-help book All That Muckin' Abahht: Len Goodman's Guide To Parenting.
- Anton deliberately choreographed a content-free cha cha cha for Jerry to allow her to go out on the dancefloor and get it done and build up her confidence. Yeah, Brendan.
- Bill Wyman chose the music for Jerry and Anton's routine last weekend. So at least now we know who to credit for the "my baby couldn't do the cha cha cha" in-joke.
- Someone appears to have kidnapped Artem and replaced him with a compliant robot lookalike.
- According to Karen Hardy, Victoria needs to think "Brendan is my bicycle".
- Lisa Riley's working on Waterloo Road again. Oh no, LOOK OUT SCOUT!
- Sid Owen still has those ridiculous hipster glasses. ♥
- Ola spends most of her rehearsal time with Sid telling him to get away from her. Well, she did have Paul Daniels as a partner two years ago; old habits die hard.
- Denise would've preferred Brendan as a partner.
- James has choreographed a cartwheel for Denise's jive, presumably on the basis that it worked so well for Gabby Logan.
- It is genuinely impossible to determine who out of Ian and Karen has the worst intro VT for their regular segments. Karen's looks like a post-apocalyptic horror movie; Ian's looks like something off CBeebies.
- Ian will be getting his wand out every Wednesday and waving it around.
- Kimberley is training in Uggs, just like Chelsee did last year. We've no idea what it is about Pasha that makes his partners so resistant to proper training shoes, so answers on a postcard please.
- Darcey's favourite routines are the Argentine tango and the salsa. She likes party dances. SEXY PARTY dances, no doubt.
- The BBC is the most organised company Iveta has ever worked for. As a former BBC employee myself, I can only assume the BBC is the only company Iveta has ever worked for.
- Johnny and Iveta had to change the first quarter of their cha cha cha routine after the studio rehearsal on Friday before their performance on Saturday.
- Iveta thinks Johnny has a gentleman inside of him. I imagine this was quite a shock for Zoe.
- Aliona has been told to rest for four more weeks, and then she can come back to the show.
- Colin Salmon is 50 years old. No, that's not a typo.
- Kimberley is struggling with brain space at the moment. Like when she took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive!
- Denise suffered whiplash rehearsing for her jive. And she wasn't even dancing with Erin!
- "The Tweeters" have named Kimberley and Pasha "Pasherley". I really wish they hadn't.
- Victoria tried to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad, so she tried a little Freddie, mmm - she's gone identity mad!
- Erin thinks there's never been a hugely camp waltz in all ten seasons. This suggests to me that she's not completely familiar with her own work.
- Victoria hasn't watched her cha cha cha back since Friday...until she was pretty much forced to on It Takes Two. Unsurprisingly, she didn't enjoy it very much.
- It Takes Two want us to stage our own recreations of iconic dances. I'm going for Matt Di Angelo's foxtrot. Specifically, the end of it.
- Kimberley's overall strategy is to cling on to Pasha and hope for the best. Hey, mine too!
- It Takes Two's mystic meerkat Jimmy thinks Sid and Ola will be top of the leaderboard this weekend.
- Karen Hauer is now claiming the lift was a "jump". Oh Karen, just let that one go now. It's a fight you aren't going to win.
- They've got A NEW SET!!! I bet Claudia's kicking herself for not coming back.
- A complication with the lift in Saturday's pro dance rehearsal involved Ola kicking James in the face.
- Kids love Strictly, and kids love Dani Harmer. That's an excerpt from the forthcoming self-help book All That Muckin' Abahht: Len Goodman's Guide To Parenting.
- Anton deliberately choreographed a content-free cha cha cha for Jerry to allow her to go out on the dancefloor and get it done and build up her confidence. Yeah, Brendan.
- Bill Wyman chose the music for Jerry and Anton's routine last weekend. So at least now we know who to credit for the "my baby couldn't do the cha cha cha" in-joke.
- Someone appears to have kidnapped Artem and replaced him with a compliant robot lookalike.
- According to Karen Hardy, Victoria needs to think "Brendan is my bicycle".
- Lisa Riley's working on Waterloo Road again. Oh no, LOOK OUT SCOUT!
- Sid Owen still has those ridiculous hipster glasses. ♥
- Ola spends most of her rehearsal time with Sid telling him to get away from her. Well, she did have Paul Daniels as a partner two years ago; old habits die hard.
- Denise would've preferred Brendan as a partner.
- James has choreographed a cartwheel for Denise's jive, presumably on the basis that it worked so well for Gabby Logan.
- It is genuinely impossible to determine who out of Ian and Karen has the worst intro VT for their regular segments. Karen's looks like a post-apocalyptic horror movie; Ian's looks like something off CBeebies.
- Ian will be getting his wand out every Wednesday and waving it around.
- Kimberley is training in Uggs, just like Chelsee did last year. We've no idea what it is about Pasha that makes his partners so resistant to proper training shoes, so answers on a postcard please.
- Darcey's favourite routines are the Argentine tango and the salsa. She likes party dances. SEXY PARTY dances, no doubt.
- The BBC is the most organised company Iveta has ever worked for. As a former BBC employee myself, I can only assume the BBC is the only company Iveta has ever worked for.
- Johnny and Iveta had to change the first quarter of their cha cha cha routine after the studio rehearsal on Friday before their performance on Saturday.
- Iveta thinks Johnny has a gentleman inside of him. I imagine this was quite a shock for Zoe.
- Aliona has been told to rest for four more weeks, and then she can come back to the show.
- Colin Salmon is 50 years old. No, that's not a typo.
- Kimberley is struggling with brain space at the moment. Like when she took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive!
- Denise suffered whiplash rehearsing for her jive. And she wasn't even dancing with Erin!
- "The Tweeters" have named Kimberley and Pasha "Pasherley". I really wish they hadn't.
- Victoria tried to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad, so she tried a little Freddie, mmm - she's gone identity mad!
- Erin thinks there's never been a hugely camp waltz in all ten seasons. This suggests to me that she's not completely familiar with her own work.
- Victoria hasn't watched her cha cha cha back since Friday...until she was pretty much forced to on It Takes Two. Unsurprisingly, she didn't enjoy it very much.
- It Takes Two want us to stage our own recreations of iconic dances. I'm going for Matt Di Angelo's foxtrot. Specifically, the end of it.
- Kimberley's overall strategy is to cling on to Pasha and hope for the best. Hey, mine too!
- It Takes Two's mystic meerkat Jimmy thinks Sid and Ola will be top of the leaderboard this weekend.
- Karen Hauer is now claiming the lift was a "jump". Oh Karen, just let that one go now. It's a fight you aren't going to win.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Eight is enough
Eight Couples Perform: 6th October 2012
Last night: the entire nation was "Strictly-fied", apparently. They seem awfully keen on trying to make that word catch on, I hope they desist soon. Points of note singled out by the show: Karen being a choreographic rule-breaker, Len telling Fern and Artem to "GERRON WITH IT!", Yah-cey Bussell feeling for Victoria after she fucked up, Victoria crying Olympic-level tears, James and Denise saving "the best for last". Tonight: the remaining eight contestants perform, which means we're subject to more "guerilla filming" of the public expressing entirely spontaneous excitement about the return of that dancing show. It's the same "overhearing" gag as last night, this time involving Richard Arnold posing as a masseur, Sid Owen and Louis Smith posing as waiters (Louis's delivery of "Strictly cake?" is absolutely magnificent - he could've been such an amazing snooty waiter if he hadn't decided to be a world-class gymnast instead), and Nicky Byrne just casually wandering into a lift while everyone's discussing how darned sexy he is. It's the sort of thing that happens to me all the time. Then we get into a brief montage of everyone being abused in training, and it's on with the show.
Titles! I hope you're all using the proper lyrics from the launch show when you sing along. I mean, you've all got them memorised, right guys? Guys? ...hello?
Because we've got a bit more time on our hands tonight, we open with a montage of behind-the-scenes moments from the show as everyone gets ready to take to their stage, all of which is gearing up to a pro dance to Pixie Lott's 'All About Tonight', which begins with the Natalie, Kristina and Brendan getting ready in their "dressing room" (a small bit of set in the corner underneath the Tess Circle. Has that always been there? Are they planning to use it for other things, or did they build it just for this? So many questions), and Natalie is miming along in the mirror, because she's amazing. It appears to be a mix of styles, but there's quite a lot of cha cha cha in there, with some tango legwork from Vincent and Flavia (of course). My favourite part is at the end when the audience applauds, and Brendan realises he can't join in because he's got Karen on his shoulder, so he just starts tapping her thigh instead.
Once that's all over, Bruce and Tess enter, and confound expectation by opting for a fist-bump instead of the usual leg-kick. They're well down with the kids, yougetme? Daly Dresswatch: a much more encouraging effort last night, a cream-coloured number that's nice and flattering, and the skirt is thigh-length at the front, and ankle-length at the back. Business at the back, party in the front! No, wait, that sounds really dodgy. Oh, you know what I mean. Bruce and Tess open with a joke about Wilnelia reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and I'm not recapping that for all of our sakes. Nobody needs to imagine Bruce Forsyth's red room of pain. Tess reminds us that everyone who didn't perform last night will dance for us this evening, and then it's time to meet the stars of our show: Kimberley & Pasha, Nicky & Karen, Fern & Artem, Michael & Natalie, Lisa & Robin, Louis & Flavia, Dani & Vincent, Sid & Ola, Denise & James, Richard & Erin, Victoria & Brendan, Colin & Kristina, Jerry & Anton, and finally Johnny & Iveta. Once again, there is a distinct lack of shimmying to the final few bars of the theme. I'm disappointed in all of you.
Bruce finds himself transfixed by Robin's sequinned vest, and asks Lisa if it tickles. Lisa confirms that it does, and says something that sounds like "tickle the fantastic" and everyone laughs, and I don't get it. If that made sense to you, by all means enlighten me in the comments. Tess reminds us that there's no voting, while Bruce points out that the judges are still scoring and the scores will count. Jason Donovan is joining Karen on the red button commentary. "Great to be here! Very excited!" he enthuses, to which Bruce's response is "...okay." I don't know if that's symptomatic of Bruce's deafness these days, or a suggestion that if you don't win, then you're DEAD TO HIM. Could go either way, really.
First up tonight are Kimberley and Pasha. Pasha's hair has improved slightly from the launch show, but it's still not good. It also appears to be the exact same haircut that Louis has. I wonder who stole whose idea? Or maybe they went to the barber together and got the same cut at the same time. Perhaps they're part of a secret society. Kimberley's VT tells us how she always dreamed of pop stardom, and her dreams came true in 2002 when she entered Popstars Colon The Rivals, and despite being in the bottom three/four every week (it's brave of her to compete on this show at all with that sort of public voting background), she was the fourth person voted into Girls Aloud in the final, ahead of Sarah Harding and that man teef Javine. She says "here we are, still going strong", even though they've not released any new material since 2009. Still: 2012 reunion! Back in the studio with Xenomania! It's going to be amazing! (Hopefully.) Kimberley tells us that it's great being in Girls Aloud, and there's nothing better than having the other four girls with you, even when Nadine is just a life-size cardboard cut-out she left to keep them company while she's running her bar in LA and standing outside Tesco desperately trying to convince them to buy her solo album. (I did actually buy Nadine's solo album, but let's not dwell on that.) Pasha reminds us that last year he finished second with Chelsee Healey, but this year he's hoping to get one position higher. Fnar. Kimberley declares herself "very happy" with Pasha, because let's face it: she's got eyes.
In rehearsals, Kimberley spends most of her time doing cringeface and saying that she hates her arms. Pasha tells us that "she keeps judging herself...and that's my job". Head Judge Pasha for 2013! During rehearsals, Nicola Roberts turns up to see how things are going, with her hair in some sort of weird coconut-penis shape. It's no side-ponytail, that's for sure. Kimberley admits this is the first time she's really looked up and performed the routine, and Nicola declares that she's definitely going to watch Kimberley this weekend, and everyone's going to love her, and also PLEASE WATCH MY SHOW STYLED TO ROCK ON SKY LIVING ON TUESDAYS AT 9PM AND ALSO BUY MY SOLO ALBUM AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD RECORD STORES. She's got a lot of projects on the go, has Nicola.
They're dancing the cha cha cha to 'Domino' by Jessie J (I'm not sure which of the band is singing, but they're clearly struggling), and it opens with Kimberley doing a back-bend before stepping off Pasha rather awkwardly. It's not the best of openings, but things improve once the routine proper gets going - Kimberley's got good energy and performance skills, and her execution of the choreography seems very polished. I'd say she needs to work on her lines because they're a bit wishy-washy, and a few of the tricks that Pasha's thrown in are slightly sloppily executed, but it's a very encouraging start both for Kimberley and tonight's show, I think.
There's a standing ovation for Kimberley, including a very handsome tall man a few seats down from Anita Dobson. I don't know who he is, but I appreciate his inclusion nonetheless. While Bruce is busy welcoming the judges, Pasha and Kimberley both do a comically exaggerated sigh of relief, which might be obnoxious in other people's hands but they manage to make it rather endearing. I'm going to transcribe the next bit verbatim:
Bruce: Len, what did you think of that...
Len: Kimberley--
Bruce: ...first dance. (On being interrupted:) What?
Len: I'm saying Kimberley. (Beat.) Because that's her name.
Heh. Len declares that he's going to call her "Nimble Kimble", to which a baffled Pasha responds "is that a good thing?" Ah, language barriers: the building blocks of Strictly Come Dancing comedy since 2004. Len continues that it was clean and precise, but she needs more pressure through the floor and her legs could be a bit stronger. He trots out the old "you can't win in week one, but you can make a fantastic first impression" line that he uses every year, and then we move on to Bruno who thinks Kimberley knows how to sell it. He agrees that she needs to push more through the legs, but she was going for it in the top half. Craig's in a better mood than last night, he confirms, because there's finally some dance talent on show with great rhythm and timing, and he thought the whole thing was "incandescent". Kimberley smiles the appreciation of somebody who isn't entirely sure what that word means but has deduced from the context that it's a good thing. Darcey yodels that for a first performance, Kimberley gave "the wow factor", but she needs to work more on her hips and strengthen her core, yeah? Because then she'll get a much cleaner hip pow-pow-pow, yeah?
Nimble Kimble and Pasha make their way up to the Tess Circle, where Tess declares "that's your new nickname" and I make a bet with my boyfriend that if anyone on the show ever uses it from next weekend onwards, I will give him £5. Tess asks how being on this show compares to being in Girls Aloud, and Kimberley says that she felt very exposed but she tried to enjoy it. Scores are in: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Brilliantly, Darcey misses her cue and there's this awkward silence for a few seconds after Alan Dedicoat says her name. At first I thought she was about to break out the first eight of the series and was trying to build anticipation, but no, she just didn't hear. It's sort of sweet that she doesn't even try to style it out with a bit of "sev-UNN!" bravado or anything, she just carries on like nothing happened. Good old reliable Darceybot. Anyway, Kimberley and Pasha are very pleased to get ALL THE SEVENS, as Tess puts it, and it would appear that last night's lowball scores may have been a quirk rather than a deliberate strategy, because this definitely feels more like the first-night scoring that I've been used to for the past few years.
Up next are Sid and Ola. Bruce's opening joke is silly, but I'm going to recap it because of where it leads: it alludes to EastEnders and Sid apparently being glad that no one's going to punch him under the assumption that he's after that man's wife, with the ever-obliging James Jordan doing a meathead look into the camera, but it's all worth it for Bruce ending with "they don't call him Jessie James Jordan for nothing." Yes, yes, I know it was meant to be Jesse James, but I think I will start calling him Jessie James now. J-J-J-JESSIE JAMES, DO IT LIKE A MANDEM SUGA SUGA SUGA.
Anyway, here they are in training. Ola has a creditable go at a "RICKAAAAYY!", but she's no Patsy Palmer. Sid tells us that when he found out he was on the show, the only person he wanted for a partner was Ola, so he's very pleased that things worked out in that respect. Ola turns out to be a bit of a taskmaster in rehearsals, and also appears to be about as good at acting as Pasha when she pretends to get Sid's name wrong in an interview and refer to him as Ricky. What I didn't realise the first time I saw this was that Sid's just off-camera when she does it and hurls something (it looks like a shoe, but I hope it was something softer) at her head immediately afterwards. They look like they're getting on well, anyway - there's some good-natured ribbing in there, and their feigned exasperation with each other is quite fun.
They're doing a waltz to 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz. Ola is wearing a giant hankie that shows off her midriff (naturally), and the routine itself is a fairly basic week one waltz: slow, measured and a little stiff, but generally well-delivered by Sid. They're both absolutely thrilled with how well it went when it's over as well, which is sweet.
Bruce invites us to thank our fabulous singers Dave Arch and his wonderful wonderful orchestra, and then Bruno opens for the judges by saying that he was expecting a "rugged thug throwing her all over the place" (and if that's what Bruno imagines Ricky Butcher was like, I can only assume that he has never watched a single second of EastEnders in his entire life) but he got intensity, correct posture and erection. Everyone laughs at this, and Bruno's all "No! I'm serious! Oh, shut up!" Heee. Bruno thinks his frame was well-held and his footwork wasn't bad either. Craig thinks Sid's arms are a little plonky when placed, and his thumb needs to be tucked under, but he thought there was great movement around the floor and fantastic storytelling. Darcey thinks Sid presented himself so well, and there was great intensity, between him and Ola? And he carried that all the way through? She warns him not to use his shoulders to change direction, yeah? Because it must come from his core. But she's going to love watching him every week. I know it's mean of me to mock Darcey's cadence like this, but it is a bit of a problem - no one ever seems to know whether she's finished a sentence or not. Len tells Sid he scrubs up well - "you've gone from Albert Square to Berkeley Square", and while it started out a bit dainty, it developed well. There were a few problems - "you fell back on the whisk", which sounds painful - but overall it was a good job.
Up in the Tess Circle, Ola is jubilant and Tess wonders if they could be the Ricky and Bianca of Strictly. "She's got a trap like Bianca," says Sid. Heh. He loved every minute of it, and he's glad it's over. Ola says she's seen potential in him from day one. Scores are in: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26.
Next we have Johnny and Iveta, and since the story of Aliona's hairline fracture must be told, the show goes into full on tragic injury porn mode. First of all, we get the standard opening in which Johnny talks about being dead old an ting but how he's STILL GOT IT, and Aliona musing on Johnny's fantastic personality and how they "might surprise people". WITH BROKEN BONES! Okay, not quite, but we then segue to what Tess calls "a freak training room accident" in which Aliona takes a bit of a stumble and twists her ankle really badly, so they ramp up Adele really loudly on the soundtrack to make us think she might actually die and there's a RACE TO HOSPITAL, where an x-ray reveals the hairline fracture, so Aliona's out of action for a few weeks and So You Think You Can Dance 20th-place finisher (and, to be fair, a World Champion Professional 10-Dance - I don't know what that is exactly but it sounds very impressive) Iveta Lukosiuta steps in to help out. They only have two days to rehearse, but she thinks Johnny knows what he's doing. Johnny says he just wants both his partners to be proud of him.
Johnny's in the unfortunate position of being an older man stuck with a Latin routine on his first night, and their cha cha cha is to 'Drive My Car', because it's Beatlemania night on the BBC. Iveta's doing most of the work, to be honest, but Johnny's giving it a good go, and while his dancing's pretty laboured, he's not completely embarrassing himself. They finish, and there's a shot of Aliona in the audience looking...well, as engaged as Aliona ever does.
Bruce thanks Iveta for having nothing better to do, and Craig opens for the judges, chastising Johnny for miming along throughout the song. He tells Johnny that he was jerking and spasming like he had a disorder of the nervous system, so more fluidity would be good, which Bruce translates as "have a few drinks before you come on." Darcey compliments him on his great energy, and her mid-sentence breaks do her no favours when she says "sadly you have been unlucky with your partners? Changing?" She's lucky she got that extra word in in time - I'm sure a fractured ankle would've been no obstacle to Aliona making her way over from the other side of the room and lumping her one. Darcey's tip is to remember to put his weight on the ball of his foot. "Good point, Darcey, well done!" says Bruce patronisingly. Len says "it was all a bit Last Of The Summer Wine", but thinks it had good timing and a lot of content, and that Johnny did very well for his advanced years. Bruno finishes by saying that while Johnny failed his MOT, he at least completed the lamp, and he's looking forward to seeing him in ballroom.
To the Tess Circle they head, and Johnny says that he "didn't turn up for the first step", which was not a good start. Tess asks Iveta how she's finding the Strictly ballroom at short notice. Iveta totally should've said "oh, don't worry, it's well signposted", but instead she just says that it's such a warm atmosphere and thanks everyone for having her. She adds that all the young boys should shape up because "this man is a real man". O...kay. Scores are in: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 4 or a total of 17.
Next we have Dani and Vincent. Dani tells us that she started playing Tracy Beaker at the age of 12, so she's grown up on screen and had her teenage years documented for everyone to see: spots, braces, frizzy hair and all. She says that everyone might think she's sweet and innocent because she works in kids' TV (I used to work in kids' TV - very few of my colleagues were sweet and innocent), but she can shake her booty like the rest of them. Vincent introduces himself with the usual "I'm so sexy, everyone fancies me" schtick that's pretty much crossed the line into full Anton Du Beke-style self-parody at this point, but does say that Dani is his dream partner because she's young and fit and has "the moves". Dani says that while they're both tiny, they're not to be messed with. In training, Vincent explains that they have to be faster than everyone else because they're smaller, and they've got lots of spins in their waltz which Dani hopes she can keep up with.
They're dancing to 'Open Arms', and Dani's a little wobbly on her feet - I think the nerves have affected her a little bit, because the ability seems to be there but she's just a bit reticent when it comes to actually delivering it. There's a pleasing smoothness to the routine, though, so hopefully when the nerves clear up she'll start to blossom. Afterwards, Bruce patronises them a bit more about how tiny they both are while staring at Dani's chest, and Darcey tells Dani that she was impressed with her travelling. She needs to forget about being small because dance is about creating an illusion, yeah, and she did that. She needs to imagine she's wearing a beautiful necklace because that will help with her posture, yeah? But she'll have a lot more fun in the Latin next week, Darcey reckons. Len thinks Dani needs to work on the detail - it was close, she just needs slightly better posture and footwork, but it was very nice. Bruno tells Dani to smile and enjoy the occasion because she's pretty and moves well, but the tension she creates stops the movement and makes her skippy. Craig tells her she needs to push her shoulders down to create a longer line, and needs to not spot the floor when she spins because that's what's making her unsteady, but he thought she had a lovely back. Bruce, unwisely, says that she has a lovely front as well.
Tess welcomes her "tiny dancers" to the Tess Circle, and Dani says she's happy with what they produced, as long as she's made "Papa Smurf" happy. That's sort of sweet and also deeply creepy at the same time. Tess asks if being tiny is an advantage. Vincent: "Well, my life turned out okay." Heh. There's then a supremely awkward moment where Tess hands them two tiny figures dressed in sequins so that they will no longer be the smallest dancers on the show, and Dani and Vincent both thank her politely while secretly vowing to burn the totems the first chance they get. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 21. There are cries of "harsh!" that seem to come mostly from Brendan and Ola, but Dani and Vincent declare themselves happy.
Lisa and Robin are next. Lisa says that as an actor she's always having lines drawn on her face or getting covered in mud, "because that's all I do: play mingers." Heh. But now! She's getting all glammed up for dancing, and can't stop looking at herself in the mirror. Robin says that people could surely see how excited he was to get Lisa in the opening show, and Lisa says that he makes her feel like a princess, and that she'll do anything he asks. So expect to see her in G-A-Y after the show, off her face on amyl nitrate and dressed as Divine. In training, Lisa admits that the dancing vocabulary is what she's struggling with, so she just refers to things as a "swisho" or a "twizzle". She writes down all of the choreography on a notepad, and Robin laughs and says that he doesn't know what any of that means. There are also "bap baps" in there somewhere, and she hopes they speak the same language on Saturday night.
They're dancing the cha cha cha to 'Think', and it is the gayest thing I have ever seen in my life - and I watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Brilliantly, it is also huge amounts of fun and also - crucially - very well-danced. I think that's easy to miss because the routine's so entertaining, but there's a lot of precision in Lisa's footwork and her arm movements are sharp as well - I remember saying during the launch show that she looked like she had potential, and it looks like I didn't know the half of it. There's such infectious energy throughout the whole thing that I can only assume this is what I was meant to be feeling when Russell Grant was on last year, but because Lisa is actually dancing rather than just mugging for the cameras and playing dress-up, it becomes so much more enjoyable. I think Robin might have just found the perfect outlet for his choreography as well. I also like that they end by subverting expectations by having her stride up to him, but then him leaping into her arms at the last minute - it's playful and tongue-in-cheek while also being perfectly acceptable as a cha cha cha at the same time, so full marks to this pair, frankly.
Len's got a big grin on his face and calls Lisa "a funky monkey" and likens her to a bottle of cola. He thinks what it lacked in technique it made up for in energy and enthusiasm. Bruno calls it grand, big, beautiful, exuberant entertainment, and he's never seen people so happy. Craig says three words: "You. Can. Dance." Lisa's thrilled and runs up to the podium to give him a kiss. Darcey finishes by saying she loves people who can take risks, and it was cheeky and fun all the way through, and she thinks Lisa is going to be a joy to watch.
Not quite believing how well that just went, they race up to the Tess Circle where Tess asks Lisa how her twizzles and her bap-baps are. Imagine if you'd missed the VT, you'd think Tess was giving Lisa her well woman check-up. Tess asks Lisa if she'll be doing all the lifts in the future, and Lisa says she's getting bigger and they're having a muscle-off. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 30, propelling Lisa and Robin straight to the top of the leaderboard. Who saw that coming, eh?
With the unenviable job of having to follow that, we have Richard and Erin. Richard interviews in his VT that he's used to talking to the stars about their latest projects, but lately they're all more interested in talking to him about his. Chelsee Healey, in particular, guffaws about what he's let himself in for. Erin is very excited to have Richard, because he's so much fun and bubbly. Richard thinks Erin's a class act, but he's in awe of her. Erin vows to make a dancer out of him. Initial waltz training is not promising - Richard likens himself to "a collapsed pavlova - with plenty of fruit, though". But as time goes on, things seem to be improving, and Richard thinks that against all odds Erin might have made a dancer out of him. Excellently, they undercut this with a little pastiche of Nicole Kidman's Chanel No.5 advert.
Because this is Erin's handiwork, they're waltzing to 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' by Barbra Streisand - she's always got a nice line in subtle campery, if such a thing exists. Richard's grin is a little manic and fixed, but aside from that, it's an impressive performance - they've got lovely chemistry together and it's a smooth, precise routine. Bruno starts by asking Richard what happened, because he was expecting a campfest, and Richard looked sedated. "Are you trying to be butch?" Bruno asks, and Richard does a bit of a swish for him. Bruno declares it "a bit boring" because his personality didn't come through - it was nice, but he wanted to see more personality. Craig disagrees, he thought the smile was lovely and it was very romantic. Richard responds to this by taking the prop yellow rose he'd been using and offering it to Craig, who promptly cracks up - but he says that Richard's transitions are lumpy and his hands are spatulistic. Darcey's all "I missed the real Richard in that waltz" and tells him to take the music home with him and listen to it all the time to help him relax. Len says that this is a waltz and it's not meant to be knowing and campy, it's meant to be about technique, and Richard had the best footwork he'd seen. There were moments where it could've been better, but that's true for everyone. I found the general subtext of "it wasn't gay enough! You're so gay normally, why weren't you doing it gayer?" of Darcey and Bruno's comments to be rather distasteful. I mean, for starters, it was an Erin Boag waltz to Barbra Streisand, which ought to be camp enough all by itself. Secondly, I think the one lesson we learned from Russell Grant last year is that turning everything into a poppers o'clock remix gets incredibly tiresome incredibly quickly. Much as it pains me to agree with Len, he's absolutely right: there's plenty of time for knowing winks in the Latin dances, but if you're just going to treat all your ballroom like your own personal La Cage Aux Folles as well it's too much. So, in short: shut up, Darcey and Bruno.
Up they head to the Tess Circle, where Richard says how pleased he is to get such good feedback about his footwork from Len, and that it's a real privilege to be here. He tells Erin that she's magnificent, and then jokes "it's Erin, isn't it?" Heh. Tess asks if we'll see "fun Richard" next week, and Richard cautions us all that "there's no safe place to rest your eyes when I'm cha cha cha-ing." Duly noted. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 7, Bruno 5 for a total of 22.
Our penultimate couple for the evening are Jerry and Anton. In her video, Jerry drawls that she still pinches herself because she's led such an exciting life, and also because all those years as a fashion model have left her with little sensation below the knee. Anton says that she's beautiful, glamorous, sophisticated and funny - the whole package. No mention of dancing, you'll notice. Jerry says that she was thrilled to learn that Anton was her partner - "I felt like that penguin in Happy Feet." Part of me regrets having never seen that film because it leaves me with no jokes to crack here, but my boyfriend assures me that movie was a load of old bollocks, so perhaps it's all for the best in the end. In rehearsal, Anton says that Jerry has a "natural flair" to the point where he almost doesn't want to get in her way. Jerry says he's always giving her compliments, and she can't think of a better way to spend her day.
They're dancing to 'Everybody Loves To Cha Cha Cha' by Sam Cooke, and the routine opens with Jerry doing a bit of catwalk strutting. This is crafty timewasting by Anton, as ever, because Jerry is not a natural with the cha cha cha. The footwork isn't dreadful, but there's nothing going on in the hips at all, and by the time we get to the point of the song where the lyrics go "my baby couldn't do the cha cha cha", it takes on a rather different dimension as some sly irony on Anton's part.
Craig tells them that they've "taken minimal to a whole new level", and that it was a lot of wriggling about. Darcey says that Jerry has the ability and the assets, so she has to use them: "dance more!" Heh. I've been fairly Darcey-neutral over the course of these opening shows, but for reasons I can't quite pin down, I really like "dance more!" as a critique. Len thought it was good - a little bit careful, so next week he wants Jerry to excite him. Bruce asks Jerry if she could excite Len, and she drawls, "definitely. Wait until you see our foxtrot," all the while pouting and rolling her face around like Bella Emberg. Bruno calls her a "glamazon", and says that the little bit of cha cha cha that there was was actually good.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks Jerry how her supermodel skills helped her on the dancefloor, and Jerry says that she had "a Studio 54 flashback". That must have been some bad acid she dropped before the show. Perhaps she's having the same problem as Louis Walsh over on The X Factor, in that she keeps remembering the movie and thinking she was actually there. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. Tess asks if we've saved the best for that. "Not really," snarks Anton.
Let's find out, shall we? Here's our final couple, Louis and Flavia. Louis talks about being a hyperactive child, so his mum enrolled him in gymnastics at the age of four, and 19 years down the line he ended up in the Olympics. Flavia says that 2012 has been an amazing year for Louis, and she'd be really happy to finish it off for him (fnar) with a "nice, sparkling glitterball". (FNAR!) Louis interviews that he's never had to be sexy and flamboyant in his life (I beg to differ) and that's what he's most worried about. Flavia warns him that he has to sell it, otherwise it's just going to look silly. She thinks there's a cheeky chap in there, so she just needs to find a way of bringing it out.
They're dancing their cha cha cha to 'Forget You', and this is one of those curious cases where the dancing seems fine enough, but there's just absolutely nothing going on in his face. And I don't mean nervous tension or anything like that, he just looks completely uninterested, which seems rather odd. Flavia gets him to do some tricks like a one-handed handstand and the splits, all of which he executes in a similarly will-this-do? fashion. But that aside, there's good footwork in there and the makings of a good dancer if he can just get the hang of actually looking like he cares.
Darcey opens by going full Arlene, telling him "I can see you're using muscles you haven't used before" and "in my eyes, I think you'll go far in this show." To her credit, she then starts laughing and mock-fanning herself. See, there's the makings of a likeable judge in there somewhere, we just need to tease it out and fix her cadence. We've got 11 weeks left, I feel confident about this. Len says it wasn't a gold medal performance because it needs to be slightly crisper, but if he can get that going, Louis will do well. Bruno tells Louis he likes a guy with plenty of tricks up his sleeve, and as a first out it was great. He warns him about overextending, but he can't wait to see more. Craig thought it was "a little bit awkward at times" and very flat-footed, "but once you get onto the balls, darling, you'll sort that out." Oddly enough, I got the same advice from my dance instructor when I was younger, but then he got taken away by the police a few weeks later. He thought Louis could've used his face more, at which point Bruno responds incredulously "you were looking at his face?!" and Bruce piles on, "Darcey wasn't!" Again, it's very much in Darcey's favour that she takes that in good humour and lets Craig fan her face with his 1 paddle. I love that that was the first one he had to hand. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
Up to the Tess Circle they head, where Tess asks Louis if he enjoyed himself, and he says he was a little bit tense, but they got through it. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 8, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 27.
We get treated to a brief trail for the return of It Takes Two on BBC2 with the lovely Zoe, and then we have a look at the leaderboard:
1st: Lisa & Robin (30)
2nd: Kimberley & Pasha (28)
3rd: Louis & Flavia (27)
4th: Sid & Ola (26)
5th: Denise & James (25)
6th: Colin & Kristina (23)
7th: Richard & Erin (22)
8th: Dani & Vincent (21)
9th: Michael & Natalie (20)
10th: Fern & Artem (19)
11th: Jerry & Anton (18)
12th: Nicky & Karen (17)
12th: Johnny & Iveta (17)
14th: Victoria & Brendan (16)
Of course, all of those scores will be carried over to next week, then we'll all get to vote and the two couples with the lowest combined score will face "the dreaded dance-off", which is back. Dreaded more by viewers than by the contestants, I should think, because it was always a pointless waste of bloody time, and robbed Austin Healey of his rightful place in the series 6 final, NOT THAT I'M STILL BITTER. There's a quick VT of the judges plotting mischievously to bring the dance-off back, and that's it until next weekend. Join me then to see how everyone fares with their second routine of the series...
Last night: the entire nation was "Strictly-fied", apparently. They seem awfully keen on trying to make that word catch on, I hope they desist soon. Points of note singled out by the show: Karen being a choreographic rule-breaker, Len telling Fern and Artem to "GERRON WITH IT!", Yah-cey Bussell feeling for Victoria after she fucked up, Victoria crying Olympic-level tears, James and Denise saving "the best for last". Tonight: the remaining eight contestants perform, which means we're subject to more "guerilla filming" of the public expressing entirely spontaneous excitement about the return of that dancing show. It's the same "overhearing" gag as last night, this time involving Richard Arnold posing as a masseur, Sid Owen and Louis Smith posing as waiters (Louis's delivery of "Strictly cake?" is absolutely magnificent - he could've been such an amazing snooty waiter if he hadn't decided to be a world-class gymnast instead), and Nicky Byrne just casually wandering into a lift while everyone's discussing how darned sexy he is. It's the sort of thing that happens to me all the time. Then we get into a brief montage of everyone being abused in training, and it's on with the show.
Titles! I hope you're all using the proper lyrics from the launch show when you sing along. I mean, you've all got them memorised, right guys? Guys? ...hello?
Because we've got a bit more time on our hands tonight, we open with a montage of behind-the-scenes moments from the show as everyone gets ready to take to their stage, all of which is gearing up to a pro dance to Pixie Lott's 'All About Tonight', which begins with the Natalie, Kristina and Brendan getting ready in their "dressing room" (a small bit of set in the corner underneath the Tess Circle. Has that always been there? Are they planning to use it for other things, or did they build it just for this? So many questions), and Natalie is miming along in the mirror, because she's amazing. It appears to be a mix of styles, but there's quite a lot of cha cha cha in there, with some tango legwork from Vincent and Flavia (of course). My favourite part is at the end when the audience applauds, and Brendan realises he can't join in because he's got Karen on his shoulder, so he just starts tapping her thigh instead.
Once that's all over, Bruce and Tess enter, and confound expectation by opting for a fist-bump instead of the usual leg-kick. They're well down with the kids, yougetme? Daly Dresswatch: a much more encouraging effort last night, a cream-coloured number that's nice and flattering, and the skirt is thigh-length at the front, and ankle-length at the back. Business at the back, party in the front! No, wait, that sounds really dodgy. Oh, you know what I mean. Bruce and Tess open with a joke about Wilnelia reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and I'm not recapping that for all of our sakes. Nobody needs to imagine Bruce Forsyth's red room of pain. Tess reminds us that everyone who didn't perform last night will dance for us this evening, and then it's time to meet the stars of our show: Kimberley & Pasha, Nicky & Karen, Fern & Artem, Michael & Natalie, Lisa & Robin, Louis & Flavia, Dani & Vincent, Sid & Ola, Denise & James, Richard & Erin, Victoria & Brendan, Colin & Kristina, Jerry & Anton, and finally Johnny & Iveta. Once again, there is a distinct lack of shimmying to the final few bars of the theme. I'm disappointed in all of you.
Bruce finds himself transfixed by Robin's sequinned vest, and asks Lisa if it tickles. Lisa confirms that it does, and says something that sounds like "tickle the fantastic" and everyone laughs, and I don't get it. If that made sense to you, by all means enlighten me in the comments. Tess reminds us that there's no voting, while Bruce points out that the judges are still scoring and the scores will count. Jason Donovan is joining Karen on the red button commentary. "Great to be here! Very excited!" he enthuses, to which Bruce's response is "...okay." I don't know if that's symptomatic of Bruce's deafness these days, or a suggestion that if you don't win, then you're DEAD TO HIM. Could go either way, really.
First up tonight are Kimberley and Pasha. Pasha's hair has improved slightly from the launch show, but it's still not good. It also appears to be the exact same haircut that Louis has. I wonder who stole whose idea? Or maybe they went to the barber together and got the same cut at the same time. Perhaps they're part of a secret society. Kimberley's VT tells us how she always dreamed of pop stardom, and her dreams came true in 2002 when she entered Popstars Colon The Rivals, and despite being in the bottom three/four every week (it's brave of her to compete on this show at all with that sort of public voting background), she was the fourth person voted into Girls Aloud in the final, ahead of Sarah Harding and that man teef Javine. She says "here we are, still going strong", even though they've not released any new material since 2009. Still: 2012 reunion! Back in the studio with Xenomania! It's going to be amazing! (Hopefully.) Kimberley tells us that it's great being in Girls Aloud, and there's nothing better than having the other four girls with you, even when Nadine is just a life-size cardboard cut-out she left to keep them company while she's running her bar in LA and standing outside Tesco desperately trying to convince them to buy her solo album. (I did actually buy Nadine's solo album, but let's not dwell on that.) Pasha reminds us that last year he finished second with Chelsee Healey, but this year he's hoping to get one position higher. Fnar. Kimberley declares herself "very happy" with Pasha, because let's face it: she's got eyes.
In rehearsals, Kimberley spends most of her time doing cringeface and saying that she hates her arms. Pasha tells us that "she keeps judging herself...and that's my job". Head Judge Pasha for 2013! During rehearsals, Nicola Roberts turns up to see how things are going, with her hair in some sort of weird coconut-penis shape. It's no side-ponytail, that's for sure. Kimberley admits this is the first time she's really looked up and performed the routine, and Nicola declares that she's definitely going to watch Kimberley this weekend, and everyone's going to love her, and also PLEASE WATCH MY SHOW STYLED TO ROCK ON SKY LIVING ON TUESDAYS AT 9PM AND ALSO BUY MY SOLO ALBUM AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD RECORD STORES. She's got a lot of projects on the go, has Nicola.
They're dancing the cha cha cha to 'Domino' by Jessie J (I'm not sure which of the band is singing, but they're clearly struggling), and it opens with Kimberley doing a back-bend before stepping off Pasha rather awkwardly. It's not the best of openings, but things improve once the routine proper gets going - Kimberley's got good energy and performance skills, and her execution of the choreography seems very polished. I'd say she needs to work on her lines because they're a bit wishy-washy, and a few of the tricks that Pasha's thrown in are slightly sloppily executed, but it's a very encouraging start both for Kimberley and tonight's show, I think.
There's a standing ovation for Kimberley, including a very handsome tall man a few seats down from Anita Dobson. I don't know who he is, but I appreciate his inclusion nonetheless. While Bruce is busy welcoming the judges, Pasha and Kimberley both do a comically exaggerated sigh of relief, which might be obnoxious in other people's hands but they manage to make it rather endearing. I'm going to transcribe the next bit verbatim:
Bruce: Len, what did you think of that...
Len: Kimberley--
Bruce: ...first dance. (On being interrupted:) What?
Len: I'm saying Kimberley. (Beat.) Because that's her name.
Heh. Len declares that he's going to call her "Nimble Kimble", to which a baffled Pasha responds "is that a good thing?" Ah, language barriers: the building blocks of Strictly Come Dancing comedy since 2004. Len continues that it was clean and precise, but she needs more pressure through the floor and her legs could be a bit stronger. He trots out the old "you can't win in week one, but you can make a fantastic first impression" line that he uses every year, and then we move on to Bruno who thinks Kimberley knows how to sell it. He agrees that she needs to push more through the legs, but she was going for it in the top half. Craig's in a better mood than last night, he confirms, because there's finally some dance talent on show with great rhythm and timing, and he thought the whole thing was "incandescent". Kimberley smiles the appreciation of somebody who isn't entirely sure what that word means but has deduced from the context that it's a good thing. Darcey yodels that for a first performance, Kimberley gave "the wow factor", but she needs to work more on her hips and strengthen her core, yeah? Because then she'll get a much cleaner hip pow-pow-pow, yeah?
Nimble Kimble and Pasha make their way up to the Tess Circle, where Tess declares "that's your new nickname" and I make a bet with my boyfriend that if anyone on the show ever uses it from next weekend onwards, I will give him £5. Tess asks how being on this show compares to being in Girls Aloud, and Kimberley says that she felt very exposed but she tried to enjoy it. Scores are in: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Brilliantly, Darcey misses her cue and there's this awkward silence for a few seconds after Alan Dedicoat says her name. At first I thought she was about to break out the first eight of the series and was trying to build anticipation, but no, she just didn't hear. It's sort of sweet that she doesn't even try to style it out with a bit of "sev-UNN!" bravado or anything, she just carries on like nothing happened. Good old reliable Darceybot. Anyway, Kimberley and Pasha are very pleased to get ALL THE SEVENS, as Tess puts it, and it would appear that last night's lowball scores may have been a quirk rather than a deliberate strategy, because this definitely feels more like the first-night scoring that I've been used to for the past few years.
Up next are Sid and Ola. Bruce's opening joke is silly, but I'm going to recap it because of where it leads: it alludes to EastEnders and Sid apparently being glad that no one's going to punch him under the assumption that he's after that man's wife, with the ever-obliging James Jordan doing a meathead look into the camera, but it's all worth it for Bruce ending with "they don't call him Jessie James Jordan for nothing." Yes, yes, I know it was meant to be Jesse James, but I think I will start calling him Jessie James now. J-J-J-JESSIE JAMES, DO IT LIKE A MANDEM SUGA SUGA SUGA.
Anyway, here they are in training. Ola has a creditable go at a "RICKAAAAYY!", but she's no Patsy Palmer. Sid tells us that when he found out he was on the show, the only person he wanted for a partner was Ola, so he's very pleased that things worked out in that respect. Ola turns out to be a bit of a taskmaster in rehearsals, and also appears to be about as good at acting as Pasha when she pretends to get Sid's name wrong in an interview and refer to him as Ricky. What I didn't realise the first time I saw this was that Sid's just off-camera when she does it and hurls something (it looks like a shoe, but I hope it was something softer) at her head immediately afterwards. They look like they're getting on well, anyway - there's some good-natured ribbing in there, and their feigned exasperation with each other is quite fun.
They're doing a waltz to 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz. Ola is wearing a giant hankie that shows off her midriff (naturally), and the routine itself is a fairly basic week one waltz: slow, measured and a little stiff, but generally well-delivered by Sid. They're both absolutely thrilled with how well it went when it's over as well, which is sweet.
Bruce invites us to thank our fabulous singers Dave Arch and his wonderful wonderful orchestra, and then Bruno opens for the judges by saying that he was expecting a "rugged thug throwing her all over the place" (and if that's what Bruno imagines Ricky Butcher was like, I can only assume that he has never watched a single second of EastEnders in his entire life) but he got intensity, correct posture and erection. Everyone laughs at this, and Bruno's all "No! I'm serious! Oh, shut up!" Heee. Bruno thinks his frame was well-held and his footwork wasn't bad either. Craig thinks Sid's arms are a little plonky when placed, and his thumb needs to be tucked under, but he thought there was great movement around the floor and fantastic storytelling. Darcey thinks Sid presented himself so well, and there was great intensity, between him and Ola? And he carried that all the way through? She warns him not to use his shoulders to change direction, yeah? Because it must come from his core. But she's going to love watching him every week. I know it's mean of me to mock Darcey's cadence like this, but it is a bit of a problem - no one ever seems to know whether she's finished a sentence or not. Len tells Sid he scrubs up well - "you've gone from Albert Square to Berkeley Square", and while it started out a bit dainty, it developed well. There were a few problems - "you fell back on the whisk", which sounds painful - but overall it was a good job.
Up in the Tess Circle, Ola is jubilant and Tess wonders if they could be the Ricky and Bianca of Strictly. "She's got a trap like Bianca," says Sid. Heh. He loved every minute of it, and he's glad it's over. Ola says she's seen potential in him from day one. Scores are in: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26.
Next we have Johnny and Iveta, and since the story of Aliona's hairline fracture must be told, the show goes into full on tragic injury porn mode. First of all, we get the standard opening in which Johnny talks about being dead old an ting but how he's STILL GOT IT, and Aliona musing on Johnny's fantastic personality and how they "might surprise people". WITH BROKEN BONES! Okay, not quite, but we then segue to what Tess calls "a freak training room accident" in which Aliona takes a bit of a stumble and twists her ankle really badly, so they ramp up Adele really loudly on the soundtrack to make us think she might actually die and there's a RACE TO HOSPITAL, where an x-ray reveals the hairline fracture, so Aliona's out of action for a few weeks and So You Think You Can Dance 20th-place finisher (and, to be fair, a World Champion Professional 10-Dance - I don't know what that is exactly but it sounds very impressive) Iveta Lukosiuta steps in to help out. They only have two days to rehearse, but she thinks Johnny knows what he's doing. Johnny says he just wants both his partners to be proud of him.
Johnny's in the unfortunate position of being an older man stuck with a Latin routine on his first night, and their cha cha cha is to 'Drive My Car', because it's Beatlemania night on the BBC. Iveta's doing most of the work, to be honest, but Johnny's giving it a good go, and while his dancing's pretty laboured, he's not completely embarrassing himself. They finish, and there's a shot of Aliona in the audience looking...well, as engaged as Aliona ever does.
Bruce thanks Iveta for having nothing better to do, and Craig opens for the judges, chastising Johnny for miming along throughout the song. He tells Johnny that he was jerking and spasming like he had a disorder of the nervous system, so more fluidity would be good, which Bruce translates as "have a few drinks before you come on." Darcey compliments him on his great energy, and her mid-sentence breaks do her no favours when she says "sadly you have been unlucky with your partners? Changing?" She's lucky she got that extra word in in time - I'm sure a fractured ankle would've been no obstacle to Aliona making her way over from the other side of the room and lumping her one. Darcey's tip is to remember to put his weight on the ball of his foot. "Good point, Darcey, well done!" says Bruce patronisingly. Len says "it was all a bit Last Of The Summer Wine", but thinks it had good timing and a lot of content, and that Johnny did very well for his advanced years. Bruno finishes by saying that while Johnny failed his MOT, he at least completed the lamp, and he's looking forward to seeing him in ballroom.
To the Tess Circle they head, and Johnny says that he "didn't turn up for the first step", which was not a good start. Tess asks Iveta how she's finding the Strictly ballroom at short notice. Iveta totally should've said "oh, don't worry, it's well signposted", but instead she just says that it's such a warm atmosphere and thanks everyone for having her. She adds that all the young boys should shape up because "this man is a real man". O...kay. Scores are in: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 4 or a total of 17.
Next we have Dani and Vincent. Dani tells us that she started playing Tracy Beaker at the age of 12, so she's grown up on screen and had her teenage years documented for everyone to see: spots, braces, frizzy hair and all. She says that everyone might think she's sweet and innocent because she works in kids' TV (I used to work in kids' TV - very few of my colleagues were sweet and innocent), but she can shake her booty like the rest of them. Vincent introduces himself with the usual "I'm so sexy, everyone fancies me" schtick that's pretty much crossed the line into full Anton Du Beke-style self-parody at this point, but does say that Dani is his dream partner because she's young and fit and has "the moves". Dani says that while they're both tiny, they're not to be messed with. In training, Vincent explains that they have to be faster than everyone else because they're smaller, and they've got lots of spins in their waltz which Dani hopes she can keep up with.
They're dancing to 'Open Arms', and Dani's a little wobbly on her feet - I think the nerves have affected her a little bit, because the ability seems to be there but she's just a bit reticent when it comes to actually delivering it. There's a pleasing smoothness to the routine, though, so hopefully when the nerves clear up she'll start to blossom. Afterwards, Bruce patronises them a bit more about how tiny they both are while staring at Dani's chest, and Darcey tells Dani that she was impressed with her travelling. She needs to forget about being small because dance is about creating an illusion, yeah, and she did that. She needs to imagine she's wearing a beautiful necklace because that will help with her posture, yeah? But she'll have a lot more fun in the Latin next week, Darcey reckons. Len thinks Dani needs to work on the detail - it was close, she just needs slightly better posture and footwork, but it was very nice. Bruno tells Dani to smile and enjoy the occasion because she's pretty and moves well, but the tension she creates stops the movement and makes her skippy. Craig tells her she needs to push her shoulders down to create a longer line, and needs to not spot the floor when she spins because that's what's making her unsteady, but he thought she had a lovely back. Bruce, unwisely, says that she has a lovely front as well.
Tess welcomes her "tiny dancers" to the Tess Circle, and Dani says she's happy with what they produced, as long as she's made "Papa Smurf" happy. That's sort of sweet and also deeply creepy at the same time. Tess asks if being tiny is an advantage. Vincent: "Well, my life turned out okay." Heh. There's then a supremely awkward moment where Tess hands them two tiny figures dressed in sequins so that they will no longer be the smallest dancers on the show, and Dani and Vincent both thank her politely while secretly vowing to burn the totems the first chance they get. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 21. There are cries of "harsh!" that seem to come mostly from Brendan and Ola, but Dani and Vincent declare themselves happy.
Lisa and Robin are next. Lisa says that as an actor she's always having lines drawn on her face or getting covered in mud, "because that's all I do: play mingers." Heh. But now! She's getting all glammed up for dancing, and can't stop looking at herself in the mirror. Robin says that people could surely see how excited he was to get Lisa in the opening show, and Lisa says that he makes her feel like a princess, and that she'll do anything he asks. So expect to see her in G-A-Y after the show, off her face on amyl nitrate and dressed as Divine. In training, Lisa admits that the dancing vocabulary is what she's struggling with, so she just refers to things as a "swisho" or a "twizzle". She writes down all of the choreography on a notepad, and Robin laughs and says that he doesn't know what any of that means. There are also "bap baps" in there somewhere, and she hopes they speak the same language on Saturday night.
They're dancing the cha cha cha to 'Think', and it is the gayest thing I have ever seen in my life - and I watch RuPaul's Drag Race. Brilliantly, it is also huge amounts of fun and also - crucially - very well-danced. I think that's easy to miss because the routine's so entertaining, but there's a lot of precision in Lisa's footwork and her arm movements are sharp as well - I remember saying during the launch show that she looked like she had potential, and it looks like I didn't know the half of it. There's such infectious energy throughout the whole thing that I can only assume this is what I was meant to be feeling when Russell Grant was on last year, but because Lisa is actually dancing rather than just mugging for the cameras and playing dress-up, it becomes so much more enjoyable. I think Robin might have just found the perfect outlet for his choreography as well. I also like that they end by subverting expectations by having her stride up to him, but then him leaping into her arms at the last minute - it's playful and tongue-in-cheek while also being perfectly acceptable as a cha cha cha at the same time, so full marks to this pair, frankly.
Len's got a big grin on his face and calls Lisa "a funky monkey" and likens her to a bottle of cola. He thinks what it lacked in technique it made up for in energy and enthusiasm. Bruno calls it grand, big, beautiful, exuberant entertainment, and he's never seen people so happy. Craig says three words: "You. Can. Dance." Lisa's thrilled and runs up to the podium to give him a kiss. Darcey finishes by saying she loves people who can take risks, and it was cheeky and fun all the way through, and she thinks Lisa is going to be a joy to watch.
Not quite believing how well that just went, they race up to the Tess Circle where Tess asks Lisa how her twizzles and her bap-baps are. Imagine if you'd missed the VT, you'd think Tess was giving Lisa her well woman check-up. Tess asks Lisa if she'll be doing all the lifts in the future, and Lisa says she's getting bigger and they're having a muscle-off. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 30, propelling Lisa and Robin straight to the top of the leaderboard. Who saw that coming, eh?
With the unenviable job of having to follow that, we have Richard and Erin. Richard interviews in his VT that he's used to talking to the stars about their latest projects, but lately they're all more interested in talking to him about his. Chelsee Healey, in particular, guffaws about what he's let himself in for. Erin is very excited to have Richard, because he's so much fun and bubbly. Richard thinks Erin's a class act, but he's in awe of her. Erin vows to make a dancer out of him. Initial waltz training is not promising - Richard likens himself to "a collapsed pavlova - with plenty of fruit, though". But as time goes on, things seem to be improving, and Richard thinks that against all odds Erin might have made a dancer out of him. Excellently, they undercut this with a little pastiche of Nicole Kidman's Chanel No.5 advert.
Because this is Erin's handiwork, they're waltzing to 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' by Barbra Streisand - she's always got a nice line in subtle campery, if such a thing exists. Richard's grin is a little manic and fixed, but aside from that, it's an impressive performance - they've got lovely chemistry together and it's a smooth, precise routine. Bruno starts by asking Richard what happened, because he was expecting a campfest, and Richard looked sedated. "Are you trying to be butch?" Bruno asks, and Richard does a bit of a swish for him. Bruno declares it "a bit boring" because his personality didn't come through - it was nice, but he wanted to see more personality. Craig disagrees, he thought the smile was lovely and it was very romantic. Richard responds to this by taking the prop yellow rose he'd been using and offering it to Craig, who promptly cracks up - but he says that Richard's transitions are lumpy and his hands are spatulistic. Darcey's all "I missed the real Richard in that waltz" and tells him to take the music home with him and listen to it all the time to help him relax. Len says that this is a waltz and it's not meant to be knowing and campy, it's meant to be about technique, and Richard had the best footwork he'd seen. There were moments where it could've been better, but that's true for everyone. I found the general subtext of "it wasn't gay enough! You're so gay normally, why weren't you doing it gayer?" of Darcey and Bruno's comments to be rather distasteful. I mean, for starters, it was an Erin Boag waltz to Barbra Streisand, which ought to be camp enough all by itself. Secondly, I think the one lesson we learned from Russell Grant last year is that turning everything into a poppers o'clock remix gets incredibly tiresome incredibly quickly. Much as it pains me to agree with Len, he's absolutely right: there's plenty of time for knowing winks in the Latin dances, but if you're just going to treat all your ballroom like your own personal La Cage Aux Folles as well it's too much. So, in short: shut up, Darcey and Bruno.
Up they head to the Tess Circle, where Richard says how pleased he is to get such good feedback about his footwork from Len, and that it's a real privilege to be here. He tells Erin that she's magnificent, and then jokes "it's Erin, isn't it?" Heh. Tess asks if we'll see "fun Richard" next week, and Richard cautions us all that "there's no safe place to rest your eyes when I'm cha cha cha-ing." Duly noted. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 7, Bruno 5 for a total of 22.
Our penultimate couple for the evening are Jerry and Anton. In her video, Jerry drawls that she still pinches herself because she's led such an exciting life, and also because all those years as a fashion model have left her with little sensation below the knee. Anton says that she's beautiful, glamorous, sophisticated and funny - the whole package. No mention of dancing, you'll notice. Jerry says that she was thrilled to learn that Anton was her partner - "I felt like that penguin in Happy Feet." Part of me regrets having never seen that film because it leaves me with no jokes to crack here, but my boyfriend assures me that movie was a load of old bollocks, so perhaps it's all for the best in the end. In rehearsal, Anton says that Jerry has a "natural flair" to the point where he almost doesn't want to get in her way. Jerry says he's always giving her compliments, and she can't think of a better way to spend her day.
They're dancing to 'Everybody Loves To Cha Cha Cha' by Sam Cooke, and the routine opens with Jerry doing a bit of catwalk strutting. This is crafty timewasting by Anton, as ever, because Jerry is not a natural with the cha cha cha. The footwork isn't dreadful, but there's nothing going on in the hips at all, and by the time we get to the point of the song where the lyrics go "my baby couldn't do the cha cha cha", it takes on a rather different dimension as some sly irony on Anton's part.
Craig tells them that they've "taken minimal to a whole new level", and that it was a lot of wriggling about. Darcey says that Jerry has the ability and the assets, so she has to use them: "dance more!" Heh. I've been fairly Darcey-neutral over the course of these opening shows, but for reasons I can't quite pin down, I really like "dance more!" as a critique. Len thought it was good - a little bit careful, so next week he wants Jerry to excite him. Bruce asks Jerry if she could excite Len, and she drawls, "definitely. Wait until you see our foxtrot," all the while pouting and rolling her face around like Bella Emberg. Bruno calls her a "glamazon", and says that the little bit of cha cha cha that there was was actually good.
In the Tess Circle, Tess asks Jerry how her supermodel skills helped her on the dancefloor, and Jerry says that she had "a Studio 54 flashback". That must have been some bad acid she dropped before the show. Perhaps she's having the same problem as Louis Walsh over on The X Factor, in that she keeps remembering the movie and thinking she was actually there. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 18. Tess asks if we've saved the best for that. "Not really," snarks Anton.
Let's find out, shall we? Here's our final couple, Louis and Flavia. Louis talks about being a hyperactive child, so his mum enrolled him in gymnastics at the age of four, and 19 years down the line he ended up in the Olympics. Flavia says that 2012 has been an amazing year for Louis, and she'd be really happy to finish it off for him (fnar) with a "nice, sparkling glitterball". (FNAR!) Louis interviews that he's never had to be sexy and flamboyant in his life (I beg to differ) and that's what he's most worried about. Flavia warns him that he has to sell it, otherwise it's just going to look silly. She thinks there's a cheeky chap in there, so she just needs to find a way of bringing it out.
They're dancing their cha cha cha to 'Forget You', and this is one of those curious cases where the dancing seems fine enough, but there's just absolutely nothing going on in his face. And I don't mean nervous tension or anything like that, he just looks completely uninterested, which seems rather odd. Flavia gets him to do some tricks like a one-handed handstand and the splits, all of which he executes in a similarly will-this-do? fashion. But that aside, there's good footwork in there and the makings of a good dancer if he can just get the hang of actually looking like he cares.
Darcey opens by going full Arlene, telling him "I can see you're using muscles you haven't used before" and "in my eyes, I think you'll go far in this show." To her credit, she then starts laughing and mock-fanning herself. See, there's the makings of a likeable judge in there somewhere, we just need to tease it out and fix her cadence. We've got 11 weeks left, I feel confident about this. Len says it wasn't a gold medal performance because it needs to be slightly crisper, but if he can get that going, Louis will do well. Bruno tells Louis he likes a guy with plenty of tricks up his sleeve, and as a first out it was great. He warns him about overextending, but he can't wait to see more. Craig thought it was "a little bit awkward at times" and very flat-footed, "but once you get onto the balls, darling, you'll sort that out." Oddly enough, I got the same advice from my dance instructor when I was younger, but then he got taken away by the police a few weeks later. He thought Louis could've used his face more, at which point Bruno responds incredulously "you were looking at his face?!" and Bruce piles on, "Darcey wasn't!" Again, it's very much in Darcey's favour that she takes that in good humour and lets Craig fan her face with his 1 paddle. I love that that was the first one he had to hand. Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
Up to the Tess Circle they head, where Tess asks Louis if he enjoyed himself, and he says he was a little bit tense, but they got through it. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 8, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 27.
We get treated to a brief trail for the return of It Takes Two on BBC2 with the lovely Zoe, and then we have a look at the leaderboard:
1st: Lisa & Robin (30)
2nd: Kimberley & Pasha (28)
3rd: Louis & Flavia (27)
4th: Sid & Ola (26)
5th: Denise & James (25)
6th: Colin & Kristina (23)
7th: Richard & Erin (22)
8th: Dani & Vincent (21)
9th: Michael & Natalie (20)
10th: Fern & Artem (19)
11th: Jerry & Anton (18)
12th: Nicky & Karen (17)
12th: Johnny & Iveta (17)
14th: Victoria & Brendan (16)
Of course, all of those scores will be carried over to next week, then we'll all get to vote and the two couples with the lowest combined score will face "the dreaded dance-off", which is back. Dreaded more by viewers than by the contestants, I should think, because it was always a pointless waste of bloody time, and robbed Austin Healey of his rightful place in the series 6 final, NOT THAT I'M STILL BITTER. There's a quick VT of the judges plotting mischievously to bring the dance-off back, and that's it until next weekend. Join me then to see how everyone fares with their second routine of the series...
Saturday, 6 October 2012
The joy of six
Six Couples Perform: 5th October 2012
So, I'm sure you all remember the launch show a few weeks ago. And just in case you don't, there's a lightning-quick recap of it as we begin the first competitive show of the series, reminding us that people turned up covered in sequins, and that the nation as a whole was apparently greatly excited by this. Particularly if they were involved in The One Show or Daybreak. Unfortunately, this year Strictly seems to have fallen into the same trap as The X Factor in believing that we're somehow interested in a "slice of life" approach to the proceedings, and has intercut this with footage of People On The Street telling us why they love the show. I don't know about you guys, but I really couldn't give a tinker's toot. (And also I'm insulted that they didn't ask me to do it. I have committed myself to blogging the show in excruciating detail from now until Christmas, for crying out loud, surely my thoughts deserved some airtime? Although they were probably scared I'd try to hijack it by wearing a BRING BACK KATYA sandwich board or something - which, to be fair, I probably would have done. So that must be why I wasn't asked. Must.) Anyway, amid the shots of people "spontaneously" discussing who's going to brilliant/awful/brilliantly awful this year are some shots of the stars of 2012 in their dancing outfits casually eavesdropping, like Fern Britton as a lollipop lady, Kimberley Walsh trying to be inconspiscuous in a supermarket, Denise Van Outen embracing her destiny as a cantankerous cabbie, and Johnny Ball serving up slop in a canteen.
'Gangnam Style' plays over a fast-cut montage of the celebrities in training (and considering the amount of time I spend on the internet, I'm amazed that the whole Gangnam Style meme has passed me by entirely), which ends with Denise mugging at the camera. I think we're going to have to get used to that.
2012 titles! Points of interest: Colin Salmon WERKING it, Dani Harmer, Victoria Pendleton and Denise Van Outen getting the added bonus of aerial footage, the usual suspects doing no actual dancing (Sid Owen, Michael Vaughan, Johnny Ball), Karen Hauer licking her lips so lasciviously that you'd swear Nicky Byrne was dripping in BBQ sauce.
In Television Centre, our hosts arrive: Sir Bruce Forsyth, and Tess Daly PhD. That's right, she's wearing a Pretty horrible Dress. Remember how in the launch show I said that she was wearing something nice and flattering? That didn't last long: she's wearing this peculiar black dress that goes out way beyond her body at the hips, like she's got a hula hoop fastened to her thighs. It's very odd; it's like something you'd expect to see in a panto. Tess misses her musical cue so there is no kick-up this evening, which I'm sure everyone is very upset about. Bruce's opening gag is about him having recently been on holiday in France, where he was treated like royalty: "they kept taking photographs of me topless." Ba-dum-tish!
Bruce informs us that six couples will perform tonight, dancing either a waltz or a cha cha cha, and Tess explains for the hard-of-thinking that the other eight will be on tomorrow night. So, let's meet the stars of our show: from Girls Aloud, pop princess Kimberley Walsh (yes, that's much better, thank you) and her partner Pasha Kovalev; Westlife's Nicky Byrne (so now Kimberley is pop royalty and Nicky isn't? Intriguing) and his partner Karen Hauer; TV presenter Fern Britton and Artem Chigvintsev; cricket legend Michael Vaughan and Natalie Lowe; soap star Lisa Riley and Robin Windsor; Olympic gymnast Louis Smith and Flavia Cacace; Tracy Beaker star Dani Harmer and Vincent Simone; EastEnders star Sid Owen and Ola Jordan; presenter and performer Denise Van Outen and James Jordan; showbiz reporter Richard Arnold and Erin Boag; Olympic golden girl cyclist Victoria Pendleton and Brendan Cole; film and TV star Colin Salmon and Kristina Rihanoff; supermodel and actress Jerry Hall and Anton Du Beke; and finally TV brainbox and climate change controversy-courter Johnny Ball andAliona Vilani Iveta Lukosiute. Poor Iveta: she's sporting red hair, presumably in the hope that if people aren't paying particularly close attention, they won't even notice that she's not Aliona. I hope that when she gets her feedback from the judges tomorrow night she publicly states "thank you, Len, I find your opinions both useful and constructive." That ought to clear up any confusion.
Bruce is sure the contestants are all thinking one thing: "am I this year's Russell Grant?" If they are, I'll fire them out of that damn cannon myself. Tess reminds us that no one's getting eliminated this weekend, but that the judges will still be scoring the performances. As always, the scores will be carried over to next week, added to the scores they get for the second dance, and then we'll all vote. Bruce makes rather a hash of explaining this. Also, he tells us the Dance-Off is back. The studio audience cheers, even though this is not good news for anyone at all. Tess tells us that Harry Judd is joining Karen Hardy in the commentary booth tonight (I love Harry dearly, but the idea that there's any point to having him around and not putting him on cameratopless is clearly nonsense), and then it's time for our first couple: Fern and Artem. Those of you wondering whether she's going to be any good or not: let's just say Artem's already got his tits out just in case. His nipples seem to be pointing downwards. Have they always done that?
Bruce cracks a joke about seeing "parts of Britton that we've never seen before", and then we go into her VT, where Fern talks about meeting her husband on Ready Steady Cook, back when she wore a lot of suits. She loves dancing, she tells us, but more in the sort of freestyle scheme of things. Steady on, Fern, the showdance is a long way off yet. Fern was thrilled to get Artem, but is worried for him. Artem tells us that he is a taskmaster, "because I do like to achieve things". That is indeed a rare quality. However, Fern has promised him that she'll be working hard, so that's all fine. In training, Fern finds the cha cha cha difficult, and is cross that it's taking so long to master it. Artem says that he can't be harsh, because she's too sweet and she wants to get it right. Fern just hopes that she can get it all right on the night.
They start halfway up the stairs, and Fern cues Dave Arch in for 'Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours'. They start with a fair bit of faffing around the stairs, the sort of which Len surely won't approve of, but the initial signs are promising: Fern is game and seems to have decent rhythm. Artem hasn't given her particularly tough choreography to start with, which seems sensible: there's a reticence there which I hope is just first night nerves, and the whole thing's a little on the sluggish side, but for a first-night Latin routine from an older contestant, I'd say it's a good start. And if that sounds like I'm damning with faint praise...well, I probably am. But given some of the car crashes that are yet to come this evening, I think Fern can be very proud of herself for what she managed there.
Bruce welcomes our fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra (comma still in the right place, that's good). He also introduces the judges: Craig, Darcey, Len and Bruno. Darcey, of course, gets a special introduction as the newcomer, with Bruce saying that she trained at the Royal Ballet and has won "so many" dance awards. This is where it gets tricky: "It's going to be so nice having a judge who really knows what they're talking about," says Bruce. It's played as an insult to Craig, Bruno and Len, but given the sort of comments that have plagued the show over the past three years, it's hard not to see it as a cheap shot at Alesha, which I'm sure is how a lot of people will have taken it.
Anyway, Len says that the first dance sets the standard for the evening, and that there was more good about it than bad. He liked Fern's confidence and her foot placements, though she messed up on one Cuban break. He noticed that there was a lot of skirt-wafting, which he would've preferred a bit less of, but overall: well done. And in turn, well done to Len for getting the entire way through the critique without resorting to "MUCKIN ABAHHHT". Bruno didn't mind the flirtatious wafting, because the cha cha cha is a cheeky dance, but Fern needs much more impotence in the middle regions. I'm sure he meant "impetus", but he definitely said "impotence", and I can't imagine there are many more people in the world who need more impotence in the middle regions. Except perhaps the Duggars. (Sidebar: the FAQ section on the Duggars website does not include the question "why don't you stop having children?", which I'm fairly certain they must get asked an awful lot.) Anyway, he wants sharper hip movements and more energy, but thinks it wasn't bad for the first dance out. Craig thinks Fern needs to straighten her knees and legs to get the hip action, and while she has a naturally good rhythm, the first log of Cuban breaks were a disaster. He thinks it needs a lot more power, but that Fern has beautiful hands. Finally Darcey, who thinks it was very confident even though the nerves got her, but what was wonderful was the cheekiness and her smile, and that last extension where her leg went so high. Gosh, I'm so glad that we've got a proper judge in who knows stuff now. I mean, Alesha would never have been able to talk about legs and cheekiness with any sort of authority. (Last Alesha-related snipe of the recap, I promise.)
Fern and Artem scoot up to the Tess Circle, where Fern apologises for messing up and agrees with what the judges said. Tess asks Fern how she's getting along with Artem as a teacher, because she's never seen him so yielding. I'm sure it's not for the want of trying, eh Tess? Fern claims that the VT was "judiciously edited" and that one day Artem left the room and said "I am ze terminator". 1. I hope he said it in the same accent that Fern used. 2. I hope he did the almighty flounce that Fern just demonstrated as well. Artem: such a diva. The scores are in: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. The audience seem a little quiet in response to that, as if they don't quite know what to make of it. Certainly I was expecting a few more points, but at the same time it doesn't seem like an unjust score for that performance. Maybe they're just being harsher this year.
Bruce snarks the judges are "not very generous tonight" and introduces tonight's second couple: Nicky and Karen. Nicky's VT reminds us that he was in one of the most successful boybands in history until eventually they all got bored and rich enough to jack it in after one last farewell tour. I get the impression that Nicky is not an especially interesting man, since the rest of his VT is all about the fact that he has twin sons, which is nice and everything, but does not suggest the sort of personality that can sustain 12 weeks of Saturday night shiny-floor television. Also, he claims that upon first meeting Karen, he asked her what her favourite Westlife song was, which I'm sure was a joke, but it's still the sort of joke that makes him sound like a bit of a blowhard. Karen's excuse for never having heard of them is "I live in New York", which seems fair. She's heard of the Backstreet Boys, can't that be enough? In training, she tells Nicky that he has a great frame on his own, but when she's included in it, it goes "in the garbage". Nicky retorts that perhaps he should just dance on his own then, and she did pretty much walk right into that one. There's also the always-hilarious part where she discovers what "third" sounds like in an Irish accent, and then Karen chews him out for wearing ballroom shoes with shorts. I'm right with her on that one.
They're doing a waltz to 'I Wonder Why' by Curtis Stigers. I was in the middle of serving up dinner when this part went out last night, so this is the first time I'm seeing this routine. I'd assumed everyone was exaggerating when they told me how dreadful Nicky's rise-and-fall had been, but they really weren't: it's like he's doing lunges backwards. His footwork as a whole is fairly atrocious, Karen was absolutely right about him going to pieces the second he has to hold her, there's an illegal lift in there, and I really can't get on board with choreography that involves the man wandering around with his hands in his pockets. It's a shame, because there are some parts of the choreography that are quite impressive, but Nicky just isn't up to it at all, and I think Karen's trying too much too soon with him.
Interesting development: once they've over with Bruce, Nicky's hands go straight back into his pockets again, so now I'm not even sure that Karen ever asked him to do that as part of the routine in the first place. Bruce chastises Nicky for the shorts-and-ballroom-shoes thing, and Nicky protests in response that "it was a nice day", at which Bruce goes full old-man at him: "What, did you want to dance on the grass, did you? Have a picnic? Get off my lawn! Where are my pills? For shame!" Bruno tells Nicky that he never missed the light at any point, but that his posture was terrible and it looked like he was dancing with a cardboard cut out. He says that Nicky needs intimacy and connection, and demonstrates this on Len who suddenly realises why Alesha felt a desire to jump ship to ITV. Craig rebukes Karen for breaking the rules with the lift, and calls her "the female version of Brendan Cole". I don't know: considering the glazed expression Karen was wearing for most of the feedback prior to that, I'd say she was the female version of...er, Aliona Vilani. Craig warns her that she will be severely marked down for that, and that she'll have as many opportunities to do lifts in the American Smooth as she wants, as long as that number does not exceed three. Aside from that, the rise-and-fall was forced, Nicky kept dropping his right elbow, the standing spin was flat-footed and "paddlistic", and the rest of his critique is drowned out by booing. Darcey tells Nicky that his strength is his musicality, so "you can use that to your ability, yeah?" She advises him to breeeeeathe with the moves, and feeeeeel the music, make it help you, yeah? She borrows Len to help with the posture, but at least she does actually ask first, and advises Nicky to keep his shoulder blades down, because that'll make it easier, yeah? Christ, it's like having Siobhan Sharpe on the panel. She thinks Nicky has got lots of potential, though.
They head up to the Tess Circle with Karen pulling a variety of derp faces on the way, and Tess calls Nicky "you little rule-breaker, you", even though that was Karen's call, not his. Nicky says it's strange to stand there and be criticised, because nobody ever criticised Westlife. He claims it was more of a "swoosh" than a lift. Erin's face in the background suggests she disagrees. Tess asks Karen if she's going to be the female Brendan, and Karen says "whatever it takes to win", which is just about the worst possible thing she could've said as a new female pro; god knows there are still people insisting that Natalie puts her own desires ahead of what's good for her partners three series in, and that was of questionable truth at the best of times. I have a feeling that, in a concerted effort not to get Katyaed next year for being too anonymous, Karen flailed around a bit to find herself a personality and landed on completely the wrong one. I don't think this show is ready for a "bad girl of the ballroom", and I'm not entirely sure it ever will be. Scores: Craig 2, Darcy 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 17.
Michael and Natalie are our third couple tonight. His VT declares that Michael Vaughan is "the most victorious Test Match captain that England has ever seen", and already I'm missing Carrie because she actually knows things about cricket, whereas I do not, aside from that Year 9 CDT project where I had to design a sports instruction manual, and even then I never finished it. Michael talks about winning the Ashes, and how it was great that it got kids and grannies talking about cricket. Maybe there's something here I'm missing, but I don't see what's so special about winning a tournament where you only have to beat one other team. Natalie is thrilled to have Michael, and once we move on from the obligatory "ooh, he'll have to get used to being on the same team as an Australian!" jokes, we move on to training where Natalie is working very hard on Michael's posture. "I am moulding constantly," she says. Perhaps she needs to buy a new fridge. Michael wonders what the worst that could possibly happen on the first night is, and comes up with either getting a nought, or falling into the band. He then concedes that the latter is distinctly possible, as he's got to do a spin on the steps.
Their waltz is to 'If You Don't Know Me By Now', and Natalie has choreographed them a nicely dramatic opening at the top of the steps. I note that whenever he's alone she's made him put his hands behind his back, which is choreography shorthand for "he can't get the hang of what to do with his arms yet and this is the cleanest compromise", but here's the good news: he's not the disaster I expected him to be. He's a little bit stumbly in his footwork, but his rise-and-fall is far, far better than Nicky's and he looks good in hold. His posture does still need some work, but it's not bad for a first timer. Natalie's clearly pleased with him, as she hurls herself at him afterwards and yells "where did that come from?" Bless her.
Craig says there were some timing issues, but not many, and posture is his biggest problem and a bit more grace is needed to make it resemble a waltz. "That's very good for the mood he's in tonight," says Bruce. Darcey says that he started well, but as soon as he took hold, the strain started to show in his face, okay? One thing that might help, okay, is to think what he does best: "when you throw a ball, you use your whole body to throw that ball, don't you, to create the speed." Oh, Darcey. In cricket they call it "bowling", dear, not throwing. She continues: It's like that in dance, you have to use your whole body when you move, yes? Don't get stiff on us, yeah? Breathe all the way through the moves, and then you'll be fine, yeah? I get that it's her first night and she's probably nervous, but I hope Darcey gets the courage up to stop phrasing every sentence as a question, and I hope she does it soon. Len criticises him for "mincing along" at the top of the stairs, but once he got into hold it was pretty good - he was a bit "stiff and starchy", but Len's putting that down to nerves. Bruce asks Michael if he did feel like he was mincing; Michael thinks he probably was. Speaking of mincing, here's Bruno! He thinks Michael's "butt stuck out like a hanging basket", and he had so much tension in his face, "you look like Shane Warne after the makeover!" Heh.
Up they go to the Tess Circle, and Natalie tries to start off by saying that it was incredible and thanking Michael for his hard work, but he cuts her off and starts talking about a bet he'd had with his mates down the pub (because he is MANLY and therefore does things like that), which he's just won by not falling over. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 6 (because Michael is a SPORTSMAN) and Bruno 4 for a total of 20. Natalie's face when Bruno awards the 4 is an absolute picture. "The way things have been going, it's a great score," says Tess. It's an interesting point: the judges are definitely being a bit more frugal this year, and I can only assume that's a conscious move on their part, but initiated by whom, eh?
Next are Victoria and Brendan. "What a wonderful thing she did for us all!" says Bruce, as if Olympic sports are the most altruistic of all sports. I mean, I like Victoria Pendleton and everything, but it's not like she sorted the economy out, or single-handedly blocked the NHS reform, or punched Jeremy Hunt in the face, or something that really would benefit the entire country. Bruce warns Victoria not to call the BBC security man (OMGSEXIST) "a pleb" if he asks her to get off her bike (SCATHING POLITICAL SATIRE!), and we segue into her VT, which is soundtracked by 'All These Things That I've Done' by The Killers. I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier! I've got docks, but I'm not a doctor! I've got a leash, but I'm not Alesha! And so on. Victoria reminds us how amazing it was to compete at London 2012, and that she's been racing since she was nine years old, and she turned professional after leaving university. She's retired from cycling to move on to new challenges, and here's one of them now: Brendan Cole! Brendan is very excited to have Victoria as his partner, and thinks he's "the luckiest guy in Great Britain right now". Except then they start training, and Victoria is having trouble remembering the routine. "When you've been the best in the world at something, and then you're starting from scratch from the very beginning, it can get very frustrating at times," humblebrags Victoria. I love her so much. Brendan takes time out to criticise everyone for expecting big things of sportspeople on this show when it's nothing like their day jobs, and Victoria ends up foetal on the floor.
They're dancing a cha cha cha to 'Spinning Around', and it starts well for about the first 30 seconds, but then Victoria misses the first step of one section and while she briefly manages to get back on track, she then completely loses her way and never recovers. It's pretty heartbreaking to watch: she's so lost, and there's still about 40 seconds of the routine left to go, which must be the longest 40 seconds of Victoria's life: she's clearly just gone blank and can barely remember any of it. Brendan's desperately trying to get her into position without having it look like that's what he's doing, but I don't think she has the experience or the confidence to follow him without knowing the routine inside out. It's really a shame, because the bits that she did manage looked pretty promising, but all anyone's going to remember is just how much of it she got wrong and spent wandering limply around in Brendan's shadow looking tearful.
Immediately after finishing she apologises to Brendan, and the judging opens with Darcey, who tries to be supportive but says "there was so much dance content in there", which I should imagine is not one of the most encouraging things to say to someone who just forgot around 50% of said dance content. Darcey singsongs that she felt for Victoria, she really did, and it was very impressive. She thinks it would be helpful for Victoria to try a lower heel, "because I can see you're really finding it trouble balancing with such high heels, yeah? And then you'll be able to feel the ground more, yes? Yeah?" Len tells Victoria it was probably a bit like her first time riding a bike without stabilisers: a bit wobbly, but she got through it. He thinks she had a little incident, and then her nerves took over, but he thinks she has got great potential, and she just needs to forget this and move on. Bruno tells her that she knows "she messed it up so much", but she has fallen off the bike before and needs to get back on it, applying that sporting discipline to blow everyone away. I think Bruno's "rip the plaster off" approach was probably the most helpful of the three, to be honest. Brendan asks if they can go upstairs before Craig, and Bruce informs them that Craig is not scheduled to talk now anyway, because they're overrunning. How serendipitous!
They head up to the Tess Circle and Victoria is in tears, saying that she really didn't want to cry, "but I just blew it so much!" Brendan's all "no! It was just a little bit at the end!" Bless him. My favourite part of all of this, incidentally, is Karen Hauer in the background doing pouty sympathy face for a couple of seconds and then sitting down, because that is all the fucks she has to give. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 4, Len 5, Bruno 4 for a total of 16.
Our penultimate couple is Colin and Kristina. After a lengthy James Bond-related joke which is quite funny but far too long to transcribe, we head into his VT, where he talks about Prime Suspect and the James Bond movies, where he got to work with Dame Judi Dench, Halle Berry and Pierce Brosnan. Kristina is excited, because she always wanted to be a Bond girl. Colin is looking forward to getting fit, and Kristina is determined to do well this year. That sounds like an explosive combination. They joke about their size difference, and he messes around a lot in rehearsals, but it looks like they're having fun together without being too obnoxious about it. Mentioning no names, Denise and James.
Their cha cha cha is to 'I Got You (I Feel Good)', and a costume designer in their infinite wisdom has seen fit to dress Colin in a leopard-print shirt that looks like something Bet Lynch would've thought twice about buying. Fortunately, that's the only thing that's really wrong with the performance: Colin is by far the most committed and energetic dancer of the night, to the point where he actually looks quite camp, but he's got some good lines and his footwork seems precise, and best of all he seems to be enjoying himself immensely, which is very refreshing after a night of tentative, nervous performances.
After the dance, they have a little bit of business where Bruce is interrupted by a woman bringing a tray of drinks, and Colin's all "well, it's after nine o'clock, so I thought I'd have a dry martini." It's cheesy as hell, but his deadpan delivery just about sells it. The best part is that it means he and Kristina are stood there with plastic cocktail glasses in their hands throughout the judging, and therefore I'm itching for them to go all Dynasty and throw them in a judge's face if they get negative feedback. Sadly for those of us who love drama, it's never necessary: Len thinks it was the best cha cha of the night (against such formidable opposition as Fern and Victoria!), while Craig thinks there were some moments in there he could've done without. Bruce retorts that there are some judges we could do without as well, at which Kristina full-on guffaws, and Craig declines to give any further comment.
They depart for the Tess Circle, with Colin handing the glasses to Darcey and Bruno on the way past, and upon their arrival, Tess looks at Colin's shirt and dumbfucks "easy tiger!" in response to his leopard-print shirt. Tigers have stripes, Tess. STRIPES. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 7, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 23. (Darcey tries to do a "sev-UN!" but emphasises the wrong syllable. Tee hee.)
Finally for tonight, we have Denise and James. "They should be a good couple!" says Bruce, which I'm fairly certain is Forsythese for "fucking ringer". Denise's VT once again tries to combat these claims, but doesn't do a very good job of it. It's not really helped by Denise going from "I've never had any professional training" to "well, I went to stage school, but that was AGES AGO" in about three seconds. Seriously: ringiest ringer since the US version was won by Nicole Scherzinger then Jennifer Grey in back-to-back seasons. James opens by saying that he finds Denise hilarious, although not nearly as hilarious as he finds himself. (I may have added that last bit.) Denise says they've both got "a naughty streak" and as a result they both spend what seems like the entirety of their training gurning at the cameras. I think they might be entirely unbearable by week four.
Their waltz is danced to 'With You I'm Born Again', and - surprise! - it's very good. Denise has possibly the best outfit of any celeb this evening, if you can overlook the chevrons pointing to her vagina, and this is a very smooth, lyrical and enjoyable routine. There's not a lot I can see in it to fault, to be honest. Certainly not for a first dance.
Bruno tells Denise that she's so expressive that he could feel every nuance, and she extended her lines beautifully, but he feels her frame needs some work. Craig thinks they saved the best till last. Len thinks Denise has style with a smile, and his expectations were high, and while she did a double-reverse spin which was very good, her footwork overall is poor. Denise is aghast at this, but Len is adamant: there were no heel leads, but that's just one part of the whole package, which is pretty good in total.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Denise if she's transitioned from ladette to lady, and Denise says she hopes so, but she's got to work on her heels. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Well, that settles it: if they're only giving Denise mid-20s scores, they're definitely being a bit pickier with their marking this year. Although this probably helps Denise's cause anyway - it gives her a bit more of a journey and might quell some of the "RINGIEST RINGER THAT EVER RANG" talk. Except from me, obviously.
Leaderboard: Denise and James in first place, Colin and Kristina in second, Michael and Natalie in third, Fern and Artem fourth, Nicky and Karen fifth and Victoria and Brendan last. Whatever you made of the actual scoring in this episode, it's hard to argue with the overall rankings.
That's it from tonight's contestants, but we do get a weird preview of the remaining contestants, delivered over a video montage with sound made all echoey as though they're in the middle of drowning. Sid is worried about dancing live in front of millions. Richard has a fair bit of live TV experience but knows this is a very different challenge. Dani thinks Saturday night will be terrifying; Johnny thinks the last few minutes before dancing will be the worst. Kimberley is most scared of the unknown. Louis wants to go out there and just smash it. Jerry thinks "not all fillies give a smooth ride the first time out." Richard thinks you're either going to blossom, or wither. Lisa is soooo nervous and might need the loo.
And there we have it: six down, eight to go. Join me tomorrow to see how the rest of the stars cope with their first dances!
So, I'm sure you all remember the launch show a few weeks ago. And just in case you don't, there's a lightning-quick recap of it as we begin the first competitive show of the series, reminding us that people turned up covered in sequins, and that the nation as a whole was apparently greatly excited by this. Particularly if they were involved in The One Show or Daybreak. Unfortunately, this year Strictly seems to have fallen into the same trap as The X Factor in believing that we're somehow interested in a "slice of life" approach to the proceedings, and has intercut this with footage of People On The Street telling us why they love the show. I don't know about you guys, but I really couldn't give a tinker's toot. (And also I'm insulted that they didn't ask me to do it. I have committed myself to blogging the show in excruciating detail from now until Christmas, for crying out loud, surely my thoughts deserved some airtime? Although they were probably scared I'd try to hijack it by wearing a BRING BACK KATYA sandwich board or something - which, to be fair, I probably would have done. So that must be why I wasn't asked. Must.) Anyway, amid the shots of people "spontaneously" discussing who's going to brilliant/awful/brilliantly awful this year are some shots of the stars of 2012 in their dancing outfits casually eavesdropping, like Fern Britton as a lollipop lady, Kimberley Walsh trying to be inconspiscuous in a supermarket, Denise Van Outen embracing her destiny as a cantankerous cabbie, and Johnny Ball serving up slop in a canteen.
'Gangnam Style' plays over a fast-cut montage of the celebrities in training (and considering the amount of time I spend on the internet, I'm amazed that the whole Gangnam Style meme has passed me by entirely), which ends with Denise mugging at the camera. I think we're going to have to get used to that.
2012 titles! Points of interest: Colin Salmon WERKING it, Dani Harmer, Victoria Pendleton and Denise Van Outen getting the added bonus of aerial footage, the usual suspects doing no actual dancing (Sid Owen, Michael Vaughan, Johnny Ball), Karen Hauer licking her lips so lasciviously that you'd swear Nicky Byrne was dripping in BBQ sauce.
In Television Centre, our hosts arrive: Sir Bruce Forsyth, and Tess Daly PhD. That's right, she's wearing a Pretty horrible Dress. Remember how in the launch show I said that she was wearing something nice and flattering? That didn't last long: she's wearing this peculiar black dress that goes out way beyond her body at the hips, like she's got a hula hoop fastened to her thighs. It's very odd; it's like something you'd expect to see in a panto. Tess misses her musical cue so there is no kick-up this evening, which I'm sure everyone is very upset about. Bruce's opening gag is about him having recently been on holiday in France, where he was treated like royalty: "they kept taking photographs of me topless." Ba-dum-tish!
Bruce informs us that six couples will perform tonight, dancing either a waltz or a cha cha cha, and Tess explains for the hard-of-thinking that the other eight will be on tomorrow night. So, let's meet the stars of our show: from Girls Aloud, pop princess Kimberley Walsh (yes, that's much better, thank you) and her partner Pasha Kovalev; Westlife's Nicky Byrne (so now Kimberley is pop royalty and Nicky isn't? Intriguing) and his partner Karen Hauer; TV presenter Fern Britton and Artem Chigvintsev; cricket legend Michael Vaughan and Natalie Lowe; soap star Lisa Riley and Robin Windsor; Olympic gymnast Louis Smith and Flavia Cacace; Tracy Beaker star Dani Harmer and Vincent Simone; EastEnders star Sid Owen and Ola Jordan; presenter and performer Denise Van Outen and James Jordan; showbiz reporter Richard Arnold and Erin Boag; Olympic golden girl cyclist Victoria Pendleton and Brendan Cole; film and TV star Colin Salmon and Kristina Rihanoff; supermodel and actress Jerry Hall and Anton Du Beke; and finally TV brainbox and climate change controversy-courter Johnny Ball and
Bruce is sure the contestants are all thinking one thing: "am I this year's Russell Grant?" If they are, I'll fire them out of that damn cannon myself. Tess reminds us that no one's getting eliminated this weekend, but that the judges will still be scoring the performances. As always, the scores will be carried over to next week, added to the scores they get for the second dance, and then we'll all vote. Bruce makes rather a hash of explaining this. Also, he tells us the Dance-Off is back. The studio audience cheers, even though this is not good news for anyone at all. Tess tells us that Harry Judd is joining Karen Hardy in the commentary booth tonight (I love Harry dearly, but the idea that there's any point to having him around and not putting him on camera
Bruce cracks a joke about seeing "parts of Britton that we've never seen before", and then we go into her VT, where Fern talks about meeting her husband on Ready Steady Cook, back when she wore a lot of suits. She loves dancing, she tells us, but more in the sort of freestyle scheme of things. Steady on, Fern, the showdance is a long way off yet. Fern was thrilled to get Artem, but is worried for him. Artem tells us that he is a taskmaster, "because I do like to achieve things". That is indeed a rare quality. However, Fern has promised him that she'll be working hard, so that's all fine. In training, Fern finds the cha cha cha difficult, and is cross that it's taking so long to master it. Artem says that he can't be harsh, because she's too sweet and she wants to get it right. Fern just hopes that she can get it all right on the night.
They start halfway up the stairs, and Fern cues Dave Arch in for 'Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours'. They start with a fair bit of faffing around the stairs, the sort of which Len surely won't approve of, but the initial signs are promising: Fern is game and seems to have decent rhythm. Artem hasn't given her particularly tough choreography to start with, which seems sensible: there's a reticence there which I hope is just first night nerves, and the whole thing's a little on the sluggish side, but for a first-night Latin routine from an older contestant, I'd say it's a good start. And if that sounds like I'm damning with faint praise...well, I probably am. But given some of the car crashes that are yet to come this evening, I think Fern can be very proud of herself for what she managed there.
Bruce welcomes our fabulous singers, Dave Arch, and his wonderful orchestra (comma still in the right place, that's good). He also introduces the judges: Craig, Darcey, Len and Bruno. Darcey, of course, gets a special introduction as the newcomer, with Bruce saying that she trained at the Royal Ballet and has won "so many" dance awards. This is where it gets tricky: "It's going to be so nice having a judge who really knows what they're talking about," says Bruce. It's played as an insult to Craig, Bruno and Len, but given the sort of comments that have plagued the show over the past three years, it's hard not to see it as a cheap shot at Alesha, which I'm sure is how a lot of people will have taken it.
Anyway, Len says that the first dance sets the standard for the evening, and that there was more good about it than bad. He liked Fern's confidence and her foot placements, though she messed up on one Cuban break. He noticed that there was a lot of skirt-wafting, which he would've preferred a bit less of, but overall: well done. And in turn, well done to Len for getting the entire way through the critique without resorting to "MUCKIN ABAHHHT". Bruno didn't mind the flirtatious wafting, because the cha cha cha is a cheeky dance, but Fern needs much more impotence in the middle regions. I'm sure he meant "impetus", but he definitely said "impotence", and I can't imagine there are many more people in the world who need more impotence in the middle regions. Except perhaps the Duggars. (Sidebar: the FAQ section on the Duggars website does not include the question "why don't you stop having children?", which I'm fairly certain they must get asked an awful lot.) Anyway, he wants sharper hip movements and more energy, but thinks it wasn't bad for the first dance out. Craig thinks Fern needs to straighten her knees and legs to get the hip action, and while she has a naturally good rhythm, the first log of Cuban breaks were a disaster. He thinks it needs a lot more power, but that Fern has beautiful hands. Finally Darcey, who thinks it was very confident even though the nerves got her, but what was wonderful was the cheekiness and her smile, and that last extension where her leg went so high. Gosh, I'm so glad that we've got a proper judge in who knows stuff now. I mean, Alesha would never have been able to talk about legs and cheekiness with any sort of authority. (Last Alesha-related snipe of the recap, I promise.)
Fern and Artem scoot up to the Tess Circle, where Fern apologises for messing up and agrees with what the judges said. Tess asks Fern how she's getting along with Artem as a teacher, because she's never seen him so yielding. I'm sure it's not for the want of trying, eh Tess? Fern claims that the VT was "judiciously edited" and that one day Artem left the room and said "I am ze terminator". 1. I hope he said it in the same accent that Fern used. 2. I hope he did the almighty flounce that Fern just demonstrated as well. Artem: such a diva. The scores are in: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. The audience seem a little quiet in response to that, as if they don't quite know what to make of it. Certainly I was expecting a few more points, but at the same time it doesn't seem like an unjust score for that performance. Maybe they're just being harsher this year.
Bruce snarks the judges are "not very generous tonight" and introduces tonight's second couple: Nicky and Karen. Nicky's VT reminds us that he was in one of the most successful boybands in history until eventually they all got bored and rich enough to jack it in after one last farewell tour. I get the impression that Nicky is not an especially interesting man, since the rest of his VT is all about the fact that he has twin sons, which is nice and everything, but does not suggest the sort of personality that can sustain 12 weeks of Saturday night shiny-floor television. Also, he claims that upon first meeting Karen, he asked her what her favourite Westlife song was, which I'm sure was a joke, but it's still the sort of joke that makes him sound like a bit of a blowhard. Karen's excuse for never having heard of them is "I live in New York", which seems fair. She's heard of the Backstreet Boys, can't that be enough? In training, she tells Nicky that he has a great frame on his own, but when she's included in it, it goes "in the garbage". Nicky retorts that perhaps he should just dance on his own then, and she did pretty much walk right into that one. There's also the always-hilarious part where she discovers what "third" sounds like in an Irish accent, and then Karen chews him out for wearing ballroom shoes with shorts. I'm right with her on that one.
They're doing a waltz to 'I Wonder Why' by Curtis Stigers. I was in the middle of serving up dinner when this part went out last night, so this is the first time I'm seeing this routine. I'd assumed everyone was exaggerating when they told me how dreadful Nicky's rise-and-fall had been, but they really weren't: it's like he's doing lunges backwards. His footwork as a whole is fairly atrocious, Karen was absolutely right about him going to pieces the second he has to hold her, there's an illegal lift in there, and I really can't get on board with choreography that involves the man wandering around with his hands in his pockets. It's a shame, because there are some parts of the choreography that are quite impressive, but Nicky just isn't up to it at all, and I think Karen's trying too much too soon with him.
Interesting development: once they've over with Bruce, Nicky's hands go straight back into his pockets again, so now I'm not even sure that Karen ever asked him to do that as part of the routine in the first place. Bruce chastises Nicky for the shorts-and-ballroom-shoes thing, and Nicky protests in response that "it was a nice day", at which Bruce goes full old-man at him: "What, did you want to dance on the grass, did you? Have a picnic? Get off my lawn! Where are my pills? For shame!" Bruno tells Nicky that he never missed the light at any point, but that his posture was terrible and it looked like he was dancing with a cardboard cut out. He says that Nicky needs intimacy and connection, and demonstrates this on Len who suddenly realises why Alesha felt a desire to jump ship to ITV. Craig rebukes Karen for breaking the rules with the lift, and calls her "the female version of Brendan Cole". I don't know: considering the glazed expression Karen was wearing for most of the feedback prior to that, I'd say she was the female version of...er, Aliona Vilani. Craig warns her that she will be severely marked down for that, and that she'll have as many opportunities to do lifts in the American Smooth as she wants, as long as that number does not exceed three. Aside from that, the rise-and-fall was forced, Nicky kept dropping his right elbow, the standing spin was flat-footed and "paddlistic", and the rest of his critique is drowned out by booing. Darcey tells Nicky that his strength is his musicality, so "you can use that to your ability, yeah?" She advises him to breeeeeathe with the moves, and feeeeeel the music, make it help you, yeah? She borrows Len to help with the posture, but at least she does actually ask first, and advises Nicky to keep his shoulder blades down, because that'll make it easier, yeah? Christ, it's like having Siobhan Sharpe on the panel. She thinks Nicky has got lots of potential, though.
They head up to the Tess Circle with Karen pulling a variety of derp faces on the way, and Tess calls Nicky "you little rule-breaker, you", even though that was Karen's call, not his. Nicky says it's strange to stand there and be criticised, because nobody ever criticised Westlife. He claims it was more of a "swoosh" than a lift. Erin's face in the background suggests she disagrees. Tess asks Karen if she's going to be the female Brendan, and Karen says "whatever it takes to win", which is just about the worst possible thing she could've said as a new female pro; god knows there are still people insisting that Natalie puts her own desires ahead of what's good for her partners three series in, and that was of questionable truth at the best of times. I have a feeling that, in a concerted effort not to get Katyaed next year for being too anonymous, Karen flailed around a bit to find herself a personality and landed on completely the wrong one. I don't think this show is ready for a "bad girl of the ballroom", and I'm not entirely sure it ever will be. Scores: Craig 2, Darcy 5, Len 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 17.
Michael and Natalie are our third couple tonight. His VT declares that Michael Vaughan is "the most victorious Test Match captain that England has ever seen", and already I'm missing Carrie because she actually knows things about cricket, whereas I do not, aside from that Year 9 CDT project where I had to design a sports instruction manual, and even then I never finished it. Michael talks about winning the Ashes, and how it was great that it got kids and grannies talking about cricket. Maybe there's something here I'm missing, but I don't see what's so special about winning a tournament where you only have to beat one other team. Natalie is thrilled to have Michael, and once we move on from the obligatory "ooh, he'll have to get used to being on the same team as an Australian!" jokes, we move on to training where Natalie is working very hard on Michael's posture. "I am moulding constantly," she says. Perhaps she needs to buy a new fridge. Michael wonders what the worst that could possibly happen on the first night is, and comes up with either getting a nought, or falling into the band. He then concedes that the latter is distinctly possible, as he's got to do a spin on the steps.
Their waltz is to 'If You Don't Know Me By Now', and Natalie has choreographed them a nicely dramatic opening at the top of the steps. I note that whenever he's alone she's made him put his hands behind his back, which is choreography shorthand for "he can't get the hang of what to do with his arms yet and this is the cleanest compromise", but here's the good news: he's not the disaster I expected him to be. He's a little bit stumbly in his footwork, but his rise-and-fall is far, far better than Nicky's and he looks good in hold. His posture does still need some work, but it's not bad for a first timer. Natalie's clearly pleased with him, as she hurls herself at him afterwards and yells "where did that come from?" Bless her.
Craig says there were some timing issues, but not many, and posture is his biggest problem and a bit more grace is needed to make it resemble a waltz. "That's very good for the mood he's in tonight," says Bruce. Darcey says that he started well, but as soon as he took hold, the strain started to show in his face, okay? One thing that might help, okay, is to think what he does best: "when you throw a ball, you use your whole body to throw that ball, don't you, to create the speed." Oh, Darcey. In cricket they call it "bowling", dear, not throwing. She continues: It's like that in dance, you have to use your whole body when you move, yes? Don't get stiff on us, yeah? Breathe all the way through the moves, and then you'll be fine, yeah? I get that it's her first night and she's probably nervous, but I hope Darcey gets the courage up to stop phrasing every sentence as a question, and I hope she does it soon. Len criticises him for "mincing along" at the top of the stairs, but once he got into hold it was pretty good - he was a bit "stiff and starchy", but Len's putting that down to nerves. Bruce asks Michael if he did feel like he was mincing; Michael thinks he probably was. Speaking of mincing, here's Bruno! He thinks Michael's "butt stuck out like a hanging basket", and he had so much tension in his face, "you look like Shane Warne after the makeover!" Heh.
Up they go to the Tess Circle, and Natalie tries to start off by saying that it was incredible and thanking Michael for his hard work, but he cuts her off and starts talking about a bet he'd had with his mates down the pub (because he is MANLY and therefore does things like that), which he's just won by not falling over. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Len 6 (because Michael is a SPORTSMAN) and Bruno 4 for a total of 20. Natalie's face when Bruno awards the 4 is an absolute picture. "The way things have been going, it's a great score," says Tess. It's an interesting point: the judges are definitely being a bit more frugal this year, and I can only assume that's a conscious move on their part, but initiated by whom, eh?
Next are Victoria and Brendan. "What a wonderful thing she did for us all!" says Bruce, as if Olympic sports are the most altruistic of all sports. I mean, I like Victoria Pendleton and everything, but it's not like she sorted the economy out, or single-handedly blocked the NHS reform, or punched Jeremy Hunt in the face, or something that really would benefit the entire country. Bruce warns Victoria not to call the BBC security man (OMGSEXIST) "a pleb" if he asks her to get off her bike (SCATHING POLITICAL SATIRE!), and we segue into her VT, which is soundtracked by 'All These Things That I've Done' by The Killers. I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier! I've got docks, but I'm not a doctor! I've got a leash, but I'm not Alesha! And so on. Victoria reminds us how amazing it was to compete at London 2012, and that she's been racing since she was nine years old, and she turned professional after leaving university. She's retired from cycling to move on to new challenges, and here's one of them now: Brendan Cole! Brendan is very excited to have Victoria as his partner, and thinks he's "the luckiest guy in Great Britain right now". Except then they start training, and Victoria is having trouble remembering the routine. "When you've been the best in the world at something, and then you're starting from scratch from the very beginning, it can get very frustrating at times," humblebrags Victoria. I love her so much. Brendan takes time out to criticise everyone for expecting big things of sportspeople on this show when it's nothing like their day jobs, and Victoria ends up foetal on the floor.
They're dancing a cha cha cha to 'Spinning Around', and it starts well for about the first 30 seconds, but then Victoria misses the first step of one section and while she briefly manages to get back on track, she then completely loses her way and never recovers. It's pretty heartbreaking to watch: she's so lost, and there's still about 40 seconds of the routine left to go, which must be the longest 40 seconds of Victoria's life: she's clearly just gone blank and can barely remember any of it. Brendan's desperately trying to get her into position without having it look like that's what he's doing, but I don't think she has the experience or the confidence to follow him without knowing the routine inside out. It's really a shame, because the bits that she did manage looked pretty promising, but all anyone's going to remember is just how much of it she got wrong and spent wandering limply around in Brendan's shadow looking tearful.
Immediately after finishing she apologises to Brendan, and the judging opens with Darcey, who tries to be supportive but says "there was so much dance content in there", which I should imagine is not one of the most encouraging things to say to someone who just forgot around 50% of said dance content. Darcey singsongs that she felt for Victoria, she really did, and it was very impressive. She thinks it would be helpful for Victoria to try a lower heel, "because I can see you're really finding it trouble balancing with such high heels, yeah? And then you'll be able to feel the ground more, yes? Yeah?" Len tells Victoria it was probably a bit like her first time riding a bike without stabilisers: a bit wobbly, but she got through it. He thinks she had a little incident, and then her nerves took over, but he thinks she has got great potential, and she just needs to forget this and move on. Bruno tells her that she knows "she messed it up so much", but she has fallen off the bike before and needs to get back on it, applying that sporting discipline to blow everyone away. I think Bruno's "rip the plaster off" approach was probably the most helpful of the three, to be honest. Brendan asks if they can go upstairs before Craig, and Bruce informs them that Craig is not scheduled to talk now anyway, because they're overrunning. How serendipitous!
They head up to the Tess Circle and Victoria is in tears, saying that she really didn't want to cry, "but I just blew it so much!" Brendan's all "no! It was just a little bit at the end!" Bless him. My favourite part of all of this, incidentally, is Karen Hauer in the background doing pouty sympathy face for a couple of seconds and then sitting down, because that is all the fucks she has to give. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 4, Len 5, Bruno 4 for a total of 16.
Our penultimate couple is Colin and Kristina. After a lengthy James Bond-related joke which is quite funny but far too long to transcribe, we head into his VT, where he talks about Prime Suspect and the James Bond movies, where he got to work with Dame Judi Dench, Halle Berry and Pierce Brosnan. Kristina is excited, because she always wanted to be a Bond girl. Colin is looking forward to getting fit, and Kristina is determined to do well this year. That sounds like an explosive combination. They joke about their size difference, and he messes around a lot in rehearsals, but it looks like they're having fun together without being too obnoxious about it. Mentioning no names, Denise and James.
Their cha cha cha is to 'I Got You (I Feel Good)', and a costume designer in their infinite wisdom has seen fit to dress Colin in a leopard-print shirt that looks like something Bet Lynch would've thought twice about buying. Fortunately, that's the only thing that's really wrong with the performance: Colin is by far the most committed and energetic dancer of the night, to the point where he actually looks quite camp, but he's got some good lines and his footwork seems precise, and best of all he seems to be enjoying himself immensely, which is very refreshing after a night of tentative, nervous performances.
After the dance, they have a little bit of business where Bruce is interrupted by a woman bringing a tray of drinks, and Colin's all "well, it's after nine o'clock, so I thought I'd have a dry martini." It's cheesy as hell, but his deadpan delivery just about sells it. The best part is that it means he and Kristina are stood there with plastic cocktail glasses in their hands throughout the judging, and therefore I'm itching for them to go all Dynasty and throw them in a judge's face if they get negative feedback. Sadly for those of us who love drama, it's never necessary: Len thinks it was the best cha cha of the night (against such formidable opposition as Fern and Victoria!), while Craig thinks there were some moments in there he could've done without. Bruce retorts that there are some judges we could do without as well, at which Kristina full-on guffaws, and Craig declines to give any further comment.
They depart for the Tess Circle, with Colin handing the glasses to Darcey and Bruno on the way past, and upon their arrival, Tess looks at Colin's shirt and dumbfucks "easy tiger!" in response to his leopard-print shirt. Tigers have stripes, Tess. STRIPES. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 7, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 23. (Darcey tries to do a "sev-UN!" but emphasises the wrong syllable. Tee hee.)
Finally for tonight, we have Denise and James. "They should be a good couple!" says Bruce, which I'm fairly certain is Forsythese for "fucking ringer". Denise's VT once again tries to combat these claims, but doesn't do a very good job of it. It's not really helped by Denise going from "I've never had any professional training" to "well, I went to stage school, but that was AGES AGO" in about three seconds. Seriously: ringiest ringer since the US version was won by Nicole Scherzinger then Jennifer Grey in back-to-back seasons. James opens by saying that he finds Denise hilarious, although not nearly as hilarious as he finds himself. (I may have added that last bit.) Denise says they've both got "a naughty streak" and as a result they both spend what seems like the entirety of their training gurning at the cameras. I think they might be entirely unbearable by week four.
Their waltz is danced to 'With You I'm Born Again', and - surprise! - it's very good. Denise has possibly the best outfit of any celeb this evening, if you can overlook the chevrons pointing to her vagina, and this is a very smooth, lyrical and enjoyable routine. There's not a lot I can see in it to fault, to be honest. Certainly not for a first dance.
Bruno tells Denise that she's so expressive that he could feel every nuance, and she extended her lines beautifully, but he feels her frame needs some work. Craig thinks they saved the best till last. Len thinks Denise has style with a smile, and his expectations were high, and while she did a double-reverse spin which was very good, her footwork overall is poor. Denise is aghast at this, but Len is adamant: there were no heel leads, but that's just one part of the whole package, which is pretty good in total.
Up in the Tess Circle, Tess asks Denise if she's transitioned from ladette to lady, and Denise says she hopes so, but she's got to work on her heels. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Len 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Well, that settles it: if they're only giving Denise mid-20s scores, they're definitely being a bit pickier with their marking this year. Although this probably helps Denise's cause anyway - it gives her a bit more of a journey and might quell some of the "RINGIEST RINGER THAT EVER RANG" talk. Except from me, obviously.
Leaderboard: Denise and James in first place, Colin and Kristina in second, Michael and Natalie in third, Fern and Artem fourth, Nicky and Karen fifth and Victoria and Brendan last. Whatever you made of the actual scoring in this episode, it's hard to argue with the overall rankings.
That's it from tonight's contestants, but we do get a weird preview of the remaining contestants, delivered over a video montage with sound made all echoey as though they're in the middle of drowning. Sid is worried about dancing live in front of millions. Richard has a fair bit of live TV experience but knows this is a very different challenge. Dani thinks Saturday night will be terrifying; Johnny thinks the last few minutes before dancing will be the worst. Kimberley is most scared of the unknown. Louis wants to go out there and just smash it. Jerry thinks "not all fillies give a smooth ride the first time out." Richard thinks you're either going to blossom, or wither. Lisa is soooo nervous and might need the loo.
And there we have it: six down, eight to go. Join me tomorrow to see how the rest of the stars cope with their first dances!
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