This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- James is jealous of Pasha's lovely natural olive skin. Aren't we all?
- Fern is "the nicest lady ever", according to Dani.
- Artem thinks Fern has made him a better person. She's certainly made him a nuder person, and I think we can all agree that nuder = better where Artem's concerned.
- Craig's having trouble finding things wrong with the dancers at this point, believe it or not.
- Louis has never heard of Ricky Martin or Andy Williams. He's more of Motown sort of bloke.
- "Craig" is an entry on urbandictionary.com, "Tonioli" is not.
- Craig was expecting the other judges to give Louis 8s.
- There'll be a big surprise at Wembley, almost certainly involving Craig's entrance. Fnar.- Whoever does the research for this show is asleep at the wheel, because they had Zoe telling Kimberley that Tom Chambers was in the bottom two in series six (he wasn't - I know we can't talk about Alesha after she BETRAYED THE SHOW or whatever, but you can't just make shit up) and that Cheryl Cole was in the bottom two on Popstars: The Rivals (true, but Kimberley was in it more often than Cheryl was).
- Kimberley likes to shake it.
- Louis was ahead of the music on Saturday.
- This show is now apparently a dumping ground for comedy VTs they didn't have time for on Saturday.
- Denise wants James to be her little pouf.
- Zoe has no power or influence at the BBC. To be fair, we probably knew that already, otherwise she'd have got Ian back on the main show by now.
- You don't have to say sorry if you're trying hard.
- Brendan thinks some other couples were overmarked on Saturday. He is also planning to move into a glass house soon and start lobbing pebbles at the neighbours.
- Victoria can do "stern angry" much easier than "romantic sexyface".
- Ian is pleased with the fluidity in Richard's hips.
- James Jordan was a meanie at school and liked to make people fall over.  So we can blame him for Robin and Brendan's calamities on Saturday?
- Lisa is blaming her bosom for making her lead Robin in their dances.
- Even Ian Waite doesn't know the proper names for dance moves without looking at his cue card.
- Artem is the new Robin. Which means that the "last pro of appropriate gender to go out covers for any pro who is ill" rule conveniently gets reinstated after they dropped it for Denise.
- Spinning with your arms tucked in makes you faster.  Children in playgrounds have been getting this wrong FOR YEARS.
- To create a bounce, you need to be a little more into your knees.
- Karen Hauer is deliberately lying on It Takes Two to create more of a surprise on Saturdays.
- She also hisses like a cat when Nicky fucks up.
- Nicky needs a quiff for this week, but he "doesn't want a Jedward". Who does?
- Kimberley's dress has taken the most time to make this week. Apparently lighting had to be consulted about it. The plot thickens...
- Dani's doing 206 steps in her quickstep - that's a step-and-a-half per second.
- Denise has trained the most hours this week, while Kimberley has trained the fewest. Overall, however, Michael is top and Nicky is at the bottom.
- Holly Valance used to call Russell Grant "Rusty". We, on the other hand, used to call him all sorts of things, few of them printable.
- Robin and Lisa have got some props that move.
- Wiggle the Pig predicts big things for Victoria and Brendan this weekend.
- Anton's dad is Bruce Forsyth
- Kylie only gets Dressing Room 5.  The outrage!
- Michael's had a look, and it's massive. Wembley, obviously, not Nicky's trousersnake.
- ALIONA IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!! She's going to do a group dance at Wembley.
- Alexander Armstrong thinks Victoria should dance to 'Nine Million Bicycles' by Katie Melua.
- Richard Arnold told BIGGINS all of this week's secrets when they did Daybreak together on Friday.
- Anton can't pronounce Artem's surname. You'd think he'd be more careful about making "Oh them FORRINS" comments these days, but apparently not.
- Zoe likes Pasha a bit too much.  Don't we all?
- ERIN ISLAND IS REAL!

Drain of Britton

Top 10 Results: 11 November 2012

Straight into the titles as always, I spot that the first two celebrities in the sequences have already been voted off the island, as it were. Fern's in spot number three, so it's not looking good for her, is it?

We open with an Argentine tango showcase courtesy of (who else?) Vincent and Flavia. It's very colourful, in that it involves a lot of stereotypical Italians yelling and doing very stereotypical Italian things. Mostly yelling, to be honest. I went to Florence for a holiday this year so I feel like I can say with some confidence that Italians are loud. It is, much as you'd expect, a ridiculously athletic and energetic routine that really shows how brilliant this dance can be when you let really talented people do it. (So far the only celebrity to attempt one this series has been Colin, so I rather hope they're waiting until most of the hoofers have gone before they started wheeling them out in earnest.) [This was just lovely - and exciting - Rad]

Afterwards, Tess and Claudia arrive, and thankfully they've changed out of their earlier outfits. Tess is now in a white dress with some sort of geometric print on it and the most vertiginous red heels you're ever likely to see, while Claudia's back in her trademark black. Tess tells us that the dancers we've just seen were from Vincent and Flavia's stage show Midnight Tango (of course they were - silly of me not to make that connection myself), while Claudia tells us that tonight's show features Len's Lens and the Dread Dance-Off. It's like they're actively trying to make me watch Surprise Surprise, isn't it? Also, Tess tells us, André Rieu will be here. He's been on the show before, right? The name definitely rings a bell.  [I thought it was whatsisname the opera bloke from last week.  SO CULTURED am I - Rad]

Now, since Claudia was otherwise occupied this week, we had to send someone else backstage to do some snooping. And apparently everyone we actually wanted to do it was busy, so here's Anton! Let's just skip through the points of interest as usual, but this bit is inevitably fillerama: Michael trying to show Anton how to do Natalie's scissor-neck lift of death; Robin revealing that all the men's shirts have lycra bottoms on so they don't pop out of their trousers when they spin or reach up (I've got to get myself some of those just for day-to-day wear); Nicky practises his posture by keeping a Malteser in the air with his breath (other chocolates are available); Jon Culshaw's Len Goodman impression is exactly as shit as all of his other impressions. As far as post-performance reactions go: James and Denise are self-congratulatory about getting the highest score of the series, but they've probably earned the right to be; Richard gestures menacingly with those giant prop scissors; Louis was worried that the longer the judges argued, the lower Craig's score for him was going to be; Artem is still carrying Fern (in more ways than one); Victoria and Brendan are simpering around; Dani and Vincent were generally jubilant; Karen sings "the best is yet to come" into Nicky's mic stand (am I alone in thinking that's really not the brilliant compliment everyone seems to think it is?); no reaction from Kimberley and Pasha because we need to cram in MOAR REACTION SHOTS OF CHERYL COLE; Michael's gutted about messing up; Lisa and Robin are just going round and round and round. Len thinks it was an excellent show apart from Craig giving Louis a 6, but at least he's not still harping on about it. Oh no, wait, he is.

Here's Tess with the results. Incidentally, she says there are "nine guaranteed places" in next week's show. Surely not: there are eight guaranteed places, with two couples fighting out for the last one in the dance-off? Oh well, semantics. And speaking of some antics (*tumbleweed*), here are the results! In no particular order, the following couples are safe: Victoria and Brendan, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Nicky and Karen, and Denise and James. Who's in danger? LOL EVERYONE BECAUSE WE'RE NOT SAYING WHO'S IN THE DANCE-OFF YET! How very Dancing On Ice. And also: they might as well have just had "it's a really shocking bottom two this week" on a banner running across the bottom of the screen the whole time, given the general air of hand-shaking glee that pervades the results show this week when they know they're going to get a few headlines out of it. [But is it as shocking as the so shocking it also merited a late reveal battle-of-the-interchangeable-rubbish-boy-bands-no-one-likes-who've-both-been-bottom-two-before?  Answer me that, Steve. - Rad]

Tess asks Bruno who, out of the five remaining couples, deserves to advance to next week. Bruno says that everyone did well this week, but out of those remaining, he would have to single out Dani and Kimberley because they've shown versatility and range in ballroom and Latin. Of course, he then hastily suffixes that with "but I don't know, it's up to you". Again, they might as well just have ONE OF THE FRONTRUNNERS IS IN THE DREAD-DANCE OFF THIS WEEK on a big flashing sign behind him the whole time. [You see, I saw all this happen but thought it would all be a big fake-out and Michael and Natalie or Richard and Erin would be there.  I'm a fool. - Rad]

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, the six safe couples are waving glowsticks around excitedly. Claudia congratulates Nicky on a personal best - she points out that he's played Wembley before, "with your band" (lol) and asks how it's going to feel different being there as a dancer. Nicky thinks if you can't dance there, then you can't dance. Well, that's a fairly damning indictment of several of last year's contestants considering what a shitshow Wembley 2011 was. Then we turn to Louis, who apologises for causing an uproar because he's an exceptionally polite young man. Lisa is excited to be going to Wembley. Well, this was informative. Claudia segues into the next segment by telling us that all the greats have played at Wembley, from the Beatles to Beyoncé. "And Westlife," adds Nicky. "Quite," replices Claudia. "Let us not forget The Stools." Heh. Personally I think The Turds would be less ambiguous, but I can see how The Stools is more marketable as a nickname.

Time for a comedy going-to-Wembley VT! Everyone talks excitedly and exaggeratedly about how they'll be dancing in front of 6000 people. Victoria's hilariously OTT acting is possibly my favourite part of the whole thing. The most disturbing part involves Lisa and Dani putting Vincent and Robin's disembodied heads in their backpacks for...reasons. Once they get outside, Dani asks "where's Fern?" (spoiler: Fern's not going to Wembley) and Fern's outside with the limo that she's arranged. But shock horror! The limo only has nine seats! Not all of them are going to Wembley! Shriek! Well, that was a profitable way to spend two minutes.

Speaking of total wastes of time, here's Len's Lens! We begin with a slo-mo shot of the judges arriving and having a little boogie in their seats. Darcey's a big fan of the hand-jive, it seems (not a euphemism). Len says he's never given so many high scores as he did "last night". We see the start of Dani and Vincent's dance with Vincent's mic apparently turned on, and him pretending to be chatting up Darcey, then we have a lot of slow-mo shots of Richard's face in peculiar shapes during the charleston, and a slow-mo close-up of Richard drumming on Erin's arse. I'm sure Erin's just thrilled they chose that bit. Bruno says that he's really getting into bum slapping (Richard, not Bruno, although frankly neither option bears thinking about in too much detail), and that he liked the goldfish mouth. We see how Brendan guided Victoria through her quickstep, and then of course we get a slow-mo edition of Brendan's faceplant at the end of his dance and how he still managed to finish with aplomb. Darcey notes with interest how Victoria "wasn't fazed at all" (/"didn't give a shit"), and that's Len's Lens mercifully concluded for another week. Still, let's say slow-mo a few more times: slow-mo. Slow-mo. Slow-mo. Ahh, that's the stuff.

Back to Tess, and the first couple definitely in the Dread Dance-Off is...Fern and Artem. Neither of them look overly surprised by this news. Safe and through to next week are Dani and Vincent and Richard and Erin. That leaves just one place up for grabs, and it's taken by Michael and Natalie, leaving Kimberley and Pasha in the Dread Dance-Off. Ouch. I mean, I don't mean to rub it in, but Kimberley was joint second on the leaderboard. That is quite the drop. Kimberley looks absolutely devastated. The audience gasps. Bruno can be heard yelling "you must be out of your mind!" It's a bittersweet victory for Michael and Natalie, both of whom seem utterly stunned by this result. (Incidentally, my favourite thing about Michael and Natalie is that you can always see them reaching into the frame when the people next to them are declared safe - they're always the first ones to say "well done" even though their fate is often still up in the air at that point. They're really good sports, the pair of them.)

Tess says that it's shocking to see Fern and Kimberley in the Dread Dance-Off because they both got personal best scores last week. That is technically true, of course, but Fern was ninth out of ten on the leaderboard and Kimberley was joint second, so I'm guessing it's a little bit more of a shock for Kimberley than it is for Fern. Tess asks Darcey what more they can do, and Darcey basically says "well, yes, Fern's fucked, isn't she?" in a slightly more polite way, before adding that basically the only thing Kimberley needs to work on is those promenade turns, because that's the only thing that went wrong.

Then we go up to Claudia's Counselling Centre, which has never been more worthy of its name because Dani is in tears. She says that she's happy she's through, but she doesn't want either of them to go because they're both amazing. Michael's also upset in a rather less demonstrative way, saying that he's flabbergasted - he's glad that he's safe, but he's stunned that Kimberley's in the Dread Dance-Off. Richard's astonished to have been voted through and credits Erin's arse with having got them through to Wembley. Now I find myself wondering what would win in a direct public vote between Erin's arse and Artem's tits. Actually, we should probably through Ola's tits in there as well to make it a truly decisive poll.

Before we go any further, we join Anton and Kristina at Royal Wootton Bassett for a Remembrance Day special VT. You can tell it's a very sombre occasion because Kristina is very soberly dressed. They're going to a dance accompanied by the Military Wives Choir, who are still very much a thing apparently. Some veterans talk about the importance of honouring the dead with dignity, and how Anton and Kristina provided a bit of relief from the overall sadness of the day. [My thought throughout this - other than 'Anton and Kristina??'  was that their 'Nothing Can Divide Us' song was disappointing insofar as it was some ballid dirge and not this.  Come on, Wives (and hidden Military husbands/boyfriends who may or may not also be allowed to sing), inspiring tunes please FOR OUR BOYS (and oft-forgotten girls) - Rad]

When we return, it's time for André Rieu, who will be playing 'The Rose' on the violin while Brendan and Natalie dance a rumba around him. Natalie doing sexyface everywhere feels like a bit of an odd fit with the VT we've just watched, but I guess when you're trying to cram all of this into one 40-minute results show, the occasional bout of mood whiplash is inevitable. It's all very nice, anyway, but frankly it's just delaying the important stuff.

Speaking of which: Claudia's on the balcony with Fern, Artem, Kimberley and Pasha. Fern has taken this whole situation with good humour, saying that she enjoyed dancing the salsa and she's happy to have a chance to go and do it again. Claudia tells her to go and get into position and Fern replies "which position is that?" Heh. She and Artem head down the stairs, while Claudia turns to Kimberley, asking how sad it is to be in the Dread Dance-Off. Kimberley says that she loved her dance this week, but she's not exactly looking forward to having to do it again under the circumstances, adding that it was nice to see everyone sad, before hastily giggling and correcting herself to point out that of course she meant it was nice to have their support, and that she doesn't get sick pleasure out of watching other people cry or anything like that.

Fern and Artem go again, and I'm sure Fern knows this is a foregone conclusion, so she just makes sure to have a lot of fun. In terms of people valiantly battling through dance-offs that they know they have no chance of winning, it's not quite up there with Letitia Dean Viennese waltz-ing her little socks off when she was up against Alesha in series five, but Fern is clearly enjoying the dance just as much as she did first time around, which is pretty much all you can ask of her. After that, Kimberley and Pasha reprise their Viennese waltz, which isn't quite as good as it was the first time - I can't see how it would ever have been, considering they must both be pretty on edge. There are still a few hops in her eros spin, but it's still a much stronger dance overall than Fern's, and short of some sort of bout of temporary insanity from the judges, I can't see Kimberley not being saved.

Craig isn't beating around the bush for a change, and votes to save Kimberley and Pasha. Darcey thinks Kimberley and Pasha gave the cleanest performance. Even Bruno doesn't have a lot to say for himself, and says that Kimberley and Pasha were outstanding and votes for them. Kimberley breaks down and hugs Pasha (well, wouldn't you?) while Fern and Artem both applaud them heartily, with big smiles on their faces. It's a very gracious exit from them. Tess asks Len who he would have saved, and he says he would've saved Kimberley and Pasha too. What, that's it? Nobody having any sort of "NEITHER OF THESE COUPLES SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THE BOTTOM TWO!!" meltdown? Not even the smallest hint of "THIS IS A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE!!"? Poor Kimberley - even the judges can't seem to muster the enthusiasm to take umbrage on her behalf.

Fern heads over to Tess, still smiling brightly, and says that this is the best party on the television, and she's thrilled to have been part of it, before turning to Artem and saying that she adores him (kisses left cheek) and wouldn't have swapped him for anything (kisses right cheek). Again, if you were about to be parted from Artem forever, you'd make the most of it too, wouldn't you? I'm surprised Fern didn't motorboat him, to be honest. I would've.

"We're going to miss you both," says Tess (to Artem's tits - she's named them Captain and Tennille and everything), and then Claudia reappears to encourage us to visit the show's website and Fern and Artem have their last dance to 'If You Gotta Go, Go Now'. Next week Strictly comes from Wembley with Kylie [Yay! - Rad] and Girls Aloud [Also Yay! - Rad] (good job Kimberley didn't get eliminated this week, because that would've been super-awkward), but Rad will be blogging from the same place as always, unless perhaps she's planning to sit in a café somewhere and do it all via wi-fi. The world's her oyster in this day and age, after all. Join her next week to see if this year's Wembley edition is less of a shambles than last year's.

Ladies' night

Top 10: 10th November 2012

Last week: we all rejoiced that it was No Theme Week week at last, Denise and James wowed the judges (but not me, particularly, since we all know that my opinion is what counts) with their Viennese waltz, Artem got his Emergency Tits out, and Richard's foxtrot was more of a fox-not after he developed a severe case of dancer's block mid-routine. Ultimately though, it was Colin who went home after learning that "sequins aren't forever" - and while it gave me no pleasure to see him go, I can only hope that his absence from this point onwards means that terrible, tenuous James Bond references aren't forever either.

This week: it's Where's Bruce? week, meaning that Tess and Claudia will be hosting both shows this weekend, and what better way to celebrate that than with a comedy VT? (Yes, I know, there are about a million better ways of celebrating it, but I'm trying to embrace the occasion here.) The theme involves them practising "nice to see you, to see you nice" only to discover that Claudia can't deliver it properly at all. Yeah, because Claudia's the one we're all worried about in this partnership. Tess wonders if they perhaps need a second opinion, and Claudia declares "any excuse for a celebrity montage!" She gets on the blower to former runner-up Matt Baker and former semi-finalist Alex Jones over at The One Show, both of whom make it very clear why they were not selected for this particular hosting gig. Tess rings Shane Richie over at EastEnders, who does the same pisspoor Brucie impression that every second-rate comedian does. While Claudia's on the phone to Zoe (presumably as part of their ongoing legal battle to determine who gets full-time custody of Karen Hardy), Tess's phone rings and she notes with some surprise that it's her husband, Vernon Kay. I'm sure I can't be the only person who was worried that he'd accidentally hit the wrong button when trying to send racy messages to a Page 3 girl again, but it seems that on this occasion, it's all above board: he's just on the phone doing another crap Brucie impersonation and fuelling all of our fears that he's on the shortlist to replace Bruce if/when he retires [/is retired - Rad]. Weirdly, it then turns out that Claudia and Tess are having this conversation in the Ladies, of all places, and Su Pollard emerges from a cubicle to demonstrate how to deliver the line with more "razzamatazz", before exiting without washing her hands. That is, of course, assuming that she was actually using the toilet and not, y'know, "checking her make-up" or something. Finally, Miranda Hart knocks on the door and informs them that they need to say it with gravitas. That's funny, I usually say it with flowers. Expert counsel received, it's time to start the show!

Titles! Accompanied as ever by arrhythmic clapping. This is also the first time I've noticed that Denise and Richard appear to have the exact same backdrop for their showcase sections. Clearly, this is evidence of those BBC cutbacks hard at work.

Since the Beeb doesn't have worry about covering Bruce on its insurance this week, Tess and Claudia make the most of the opportunity and enter at the top of the stairs rather than the bottom, because dammit they can walk down them, even in these shoes. There's a reception of handsome men dressed in top hats and tails ready to greet them as they walk down, and at the bottom they're met by Robin (in Claudia's case) and Anton (in Tess's), both of whom pick them up in a rather ungainly fashion and carry them over to centre stage. Daly Dresswatch: possibly the worst thing she has worn in her entire life. It's a black dress that runs from her knees up to her boobs, at which point it becomes a sheer black layer of translucent fabric, paired off with a white collar and white cuffs. That sentence just got more terrifying as it went along, didn't it? It's like Tess is squeezing in presenting this show between gigs as a hostess in topless restaurants. And in the interest of equality, Claudia's wearing a simple white smock with a high collar. It's not the best I've ever seen her look, but compared to Tess she looks like Coco Chanel.

Claudia double-checks that Bruce is definitely not in the building, because let's face it: we all know what Bruce is like, he might have forgotten that he's on holiday this week, so he might be stuck backstage somewhere, possibly with his chin caught in the door or something. Having ascertained that Bruce is definitely not here, they take great glee in nice-to-see-you-ing, and the camera people take great glee in showing that Cheryl Cole is in the audience this week. Yeah, take that X Factor! How you like them apples? (Etc.)

Tess tells us that we're in the halfway point of the competition, and the couples are all dancing to make it to Wembley - but not everyone is going to make it that far. It's time to meet the stars of our show - and to notice how Tess really doesn't seem to object to being manhandled (womanhandled?) by Claudia as much as she clearly resents Bruce doing it. So here are our top ten: Kimberley and Pasha, Nicky and Karen, Fern and Artem (Artem's tits are only semi-on display this week), Michael and Natalie, Lisa and Robin, Louis and Flavia, Dani and Vincent, Denise and James, Richard and Erin, and Victoria and Brendan. They've clearly saved the best for last, as Brendan is dressed in a dorktacular bellhop outfit complete with the most ridiculous hat we've seen on this show since they fired Katya. "Nice hat, Brendan!" Tess crows, and Brendan disappoints us all by not informing Tess that Alex Owens called and she wants her outfit back. Claudia exhorts us to press the red button to receive expert commentary from Karen Hardy and this week's special guest Jon Culshaw, who's there because...he has a show with Debra Stephenson, who did the Christmas special last year? That's the best reasoning I can come up with. Frankly Karen's guests are getting more and more Six Degrees Of Strictly with each passing week.

First up this week are Denise and James with their paso doble, which Tess points out is a dance that involves "a lot of foot-stamping". Well, at least she's picked up something over the last ten years, I suppose. Anyway, do you suppose that the gods of irony might have blessed James with a really unfortunate injury this week? Let's find out. Denise loved her Viennese waltz last week, and was so pleased to get it right because she'd messed it up so often in rehearsals. James announces that he injured his ankle badly last week and could hardly walk, so rehearsing was out of the question - so while he was going back and forth to the doctor, Ian Waite was standing in to rehearse with Denise. Denise declares that Ian is a total dreamboat, and then we're off sailing on the SS Comedy VT as Denise reveals how Ian is completely superior to James in every way and they have so much chemistry, as 'Jealous Guy' plays on the soundtrack. Then one day (/the same day, since they're all wearing the same clothes) she arrives at rehearsals to discover Ian is missing, and there are some muffled cries for help coming from...somewhere. Denise disappears off to investigate, and returns with a bound-and-gagged Ian hopping angrily behind her, telling James that he's got some splainin' to do. Frankly, if the explanation isn't something along the lines of "Ola just isn't fulfilling my needs any more", I'm not going to believe it.

They're dancing to 'Seven Nation Army', which is an excellent choice of song for a paso, and I have to say that I'm impressed with what James managed to choreograph this week considering the restrictions of his ankle and the fact that he wasn't going to be the one rehearsing it with her - there's a lot of content in here, and some excellent shaping and a real sense of attack from Denise. There's one section of spins that go badly wrong because her legs are all over the place and her centre of gravity is clearly all wrong, but that's the only real problem I can spot technically. And yet...I still feel a bit unmoved by it. I can appreciate that Denise is a good dancer, RINGER or not, but something about her as a performer just doesn't engage me. I'm just waiting for that one dance that's going to take my breath away, and it hasn't happened yet. [I think the problem might be James to be honest - Rad]

They tread carefully over to Tess, who enquires about the state of James's ankle; James replies that the doctor has told him he can't damage it any more than he already has done, and that he should just "take the pain". Which I imagine is also what James was saying to Ian during this week's VT. Tess asks for a big cheer for the judges, "Bruno, Len and Darcey", and a big boo for Craig. I think I'll probably be booing all four of them at some point before the night is over, Tess. Len opens with: "Paso doble? I can hardly pass a comment," which is one of those Len-isms where you can never quite tell whether it's an insult or a compliment until you hear what comes after it. Fortunately for Denise, it's the latter: there was flair in the movement, care in the technique, and a chair underneath Bruno that will be getting very little use tonight. (He may not have said that last bit.) Bruno thinks Denise is a "red menace" who got it all together, and the way that she finishes her Spanish lines with a slight hint of flamenco was wonderful, because very few people can do that. Craig spotted the balance issue in the side-by-side section, but he loved the shaping and the chaine turns, and he thinks that working with Ian has done wonders for Ian and that Denise should consider swapping partners. Denise says that she'll keep James, thanks, which I think we all agree is the wrong decision. BRING BACK IAN! AND KATYA! AND LILIA! AND...okay, maybe just those three [Poor Matthew Cutler and... well him, anyway - Rad] [Shit, I forgot about him. Of course Matthew can come back as well. - Steve]. Finally, Darcey thinks it's the most exciting role she's seen Denise dance, though she doesn't expand on how many of Denise's numerous dance-heavy West End roles she's actually seen prior to this. She also enjoyed the chaine turns, and at this point I realise (with a little help from google) that the chaine turns they're all complimenting are the bit I think she completely messed up. Well, I suppose art is subjective and all that, but I'm still clearly right: they were bobbins. Darcey declares it "a great paso dobble". Yes, she pronounces it "dobb-lay". Don't look at me like you're surprised.

They head up to Claudia's Counselling Centre where they're joined by Ian, who's looking resplendent in a blue pinstripe suit. Denise says she's had a lovely time this week, and Ian's been amazing. Ian explains that it's been tough for Denise because he's a fair bit taller than James so that took a lot of adjusting to for her. James "jokes" that he was going to blame Ian if it all went wrong. Scores are in: nines all round for a total of 36, the highest score of the series so far. "Guess who's going to get all the credit?" says James, mugging at Ian.

As we cut back to Tess, she stumbles over her enthusiasm for that "red heart-hot" opening dance, and for a minute it's like Brucie's still here. Next we have Richard and Erin doing the charleston: unsurprisingly, his VT recaps all those moments in his foxtrot last week where he blanked out and he and Erin started openly laughing at each other, and he says that being in the dance-off was actually a relief because he got a chance to do it properly - and as a result, he was saved by the judges. He thinks the charleston is a dance that's more him because he gets to do funny faces and jazz hands. I love that "gurning and waving" is basically what passes for a charleston on this show. I blame Chris Hollins. He can't quite believe he's at the point of the competition where he's within sniffing distance of Wembley, so he hopes he can pull the charleston off and survive one more week - but he's worried because this is also the first week where he has to do a lift, and he's worried that he might end up dropping Erin on her head. If I were Erin, I'd be asking the costume department to make my fascinator out of springs just to be on the safe side.

They're dancing to 'Pencil Full Of Lead' by Paolo Nutini, and I wonder what it says about the charleston that it's only been around for four series and we're already reusing songs for it [Poor the beleagured Charleston.  As with Halloween week, I shall be its lone flagwaver - Rad] [I actually like the charleston too, I was more just thinking that there aren't exactly an abundance of pop songs that suit it. - Steve]. Anyway, it opens with Richard as Erin's hairdresser (again, let's hope he's put lots of hairspray on her barnet for maximum cushioning properties) before they launch into the routine. There are a couple of early stumbles - nothing major, but parts where Richard's feet don't quite seem to be in exactly the right place. Fortunately they manage to sort those out and by the time they get to the side-by-side section they've sorted out all the timing problems that Ian pointed out on It Takes Two earlier in the week. The whole thing could do with a little bit more energy, but the lift goes according to plan and they make it back to the chair in time for Richard to threaten Erin with a giant pair of prop scissors. I believe Erin requested those just in case he forgot his steps again, only she wouldn't have been pointing them at his head, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do.

Tess points out that Richard was a gangster last week and a hairdresser this week, and asks which suits him best. "Trolley dolly, probably - so wait for next week!" quips Richard. Ooh, nice tactics there. I'm impressed. Bruno says it was like "two go mad at Nicky Clarke's" and that there were plenty of highlights (geddit?) - he particularly liked Richard playing the bongos on Erin's bottom, and the running at the end: "it was like Miranda Hart running for a bus." Craig thought it was quirky, eccentric, goofy and character-driven; he loved the shunts and the trucking step. Craig! Mind your language, there are children watching. He, personally, could've done without the spanky bottom. "Are you sure?" Richard shoots back. All things considered, Craig thinks it was his best dance yet. Darcey loved the choreography, but warns Richard to watch his flat feet. She tells Erin to do rises on the edge of the stairs to strengthen those muscles, and then he'll understand what she's talking about. I resolve to do rises on the edge of the stairs, because I'd dearly love to know what Darcey's talking about, generally. Len says that Richard can always give him a haircut - "a number two off the back and a bit off the top". Blimey, Len's aware of the number two - you wouldn't think it to look at his scores over the last nine years. Even Quentin Willson got a three. He thinks this dance suited Richard - light, bright, fun and frivolous.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, Richard talks about how much he'd love to get to Wembley because it would make his dad very happy, since his sporting prowess isn't up to much. Erin's impressed that she landed on her feet, because she was nervous - not that she didn't trust Richard, she hastens to add. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 29 - a personal best for Richard. Claudia confirms with Richard that he doesn't want to be in the bottom two again, and he pouts that he's had enough, before looking around the room and declaring "I know a few who would, though." Heh. Claudia declares that Richard's pouting face makes him look "like an otter that's slightly unwell".

Our next couple is Louis and Flavia. He explains that it was a relief for things to go so well last week, because he was ill on Friday and Flavia was ill on Saturday. Well, it sort of went well: he still got a six from Craig, which he thinks was a little bit harsh. This week's VT is a lite-comedy one about how Louis is always naughty in rehearsals, so Flavia was very pleased to have his mum turn up to make him behave. (Louis Smith is 23. Just pointing that out. Also, when I went to Wikipedia to double-check his age, I discovered that apparently his nickname is "Lou-Lou". BLOODY LOU-LOU.) Ultimately he hopes to get to Wembley and make his mother proud. I'm so disappointed that we have no "I just want to make it to Blackpool" this year, because Wembley is no substitute at all.

They're dancing the waltz to 'Moon River', and Flavia is perched on the Aliona Vilani Memorial Swing. Poor Aliona: first Iveta steals her man and her life, now Flavia's been rooting through her possessions. Is nothing sacred? Obviously, this sort of choreography is a slam-dunk for Flavia, and she's crafted a lovely, lyrical routine which Louis executes with style and precision. It's just a shame that he always seems so glazed-over when he dances - if they had any chemistry together, they'd be unstoppable. I mean, they're probably unstoppable anyway (I think Denise is the only contestant who poses even the slightest threat to them in terms of winning the whole thing), but even so, it'd just be nice to see some emotion in the performance.

There's a standing ovation featuring Cheryl Cole, and Tess takes this moment to introduce the band. Since Bruce is away, she makes a point of doing it properly, putting all the commas in the right places and even naming all the singers individually. Tess asks Craig if he got "into the swing" of that waltz, and the reaction is "not entirely": in fact he didn't like the turn at the top which he found pedestrian, which the other judges react to in horror. Craig continues, saying that if you're going to do something like that, you need to be really good at it. "Because yoooooou are nooooooot," yells Bruno from the other end of the row in Craig's general direction. How mature. Craig felt that he was getting a bit out of time in the middle of it, and there wasn't a clear downbeat, which prompts Len to yell "shaddap". He thought there was lots of rise and fall and good pivots, but Louis's head needs to go to the left a lot more, and his free arm is graceful now, but he thought it was a little bit "saccharine sweet". Darcey disagrees - she thought the ronde de jambe at the start into the chaine was excellent because that's difficult to do. Craig retorts that a pointed foot would've been nice, though, and Darcey's response is "yeah, but he didn't hop - I mean, I've seen so many people hop doing that." Great, so Darcey's now grading on a scale of award points for not fucking up in the way she expects you to. This should be interesting. Darcey says that he does have a slight wandering head and needs to keep it to the left, but he won her over with his posture and control.

I can't quite believe I'm taking two paragraphs to cover the judges comments, but this bit goes on forever and it'll be an unreadable block of text if I don't break it up somewhere, and this seems as good a point as any because Len's pinching his temples and looking like he's about to stab someone (ie Craig) with his pencil. Len declares Craig's comments "a load of bolognese" and then snorts that Craig just says things for effect. Unlike saying "a load of bolognese", of course, or indeed "pickle me walnuts", "from Len, a ten", "sev-URNNN!", or any number of archaic references to the East End of London - all of course things that Len would never do. Len then goes on about how it's hard to do spins in a tail suit (of all of Len's bizarre excuses over the years, I'm fairly certain this is a new one) and he thinks it was lovely. Bruno tells Louis that he's waltzed his way into the heart of the nation, and that Craig hasn't got a clue about timing, because the waltz is about gliding and not emphasising the musical phrase. "Am I right?" he appeals to the audience, as if they'd have a bloody clue. Also, for the love of God, Bruno, SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Otherwise your chair will be the next thing to disappear in the BBC cutbacks, since it's clearly surplus to requirements. Also: Tess? Hi. This bit has gone on forever. It's your job, as host, to stop that happening. Stop being the substitute teacher who tries too hard to be liked by the class and assert some actual authority, for all our sakes. I swear, she's become the Dermot O'Leary to Brucie's Kate Thornton: the one you think ought to be a much more suitable and efficient replacement but really just makes you realise how much better the other one was at crowd control.

They head up to Claudia's Counselling Centre, where Claudia asks the question that's on everyone's lips: "what were you thinking?" I mean, it's a question the rest of us were directing to Tess regarding her outfit, but I'll take what I can get. Louis says he listens to all the comments, good and bad, and he'll take them on board and try to fix things for later in the show. Scores are in: Craig 6, Darcey 9, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 33.

When we return, Tess is swaying gently on the Aliona Vilani Memorial Swing, thinking about Artem's Emergency Tits. And who can blame her? That's right, it's time for Fern and Artem, and Fern openly admits in her VT that the secret of their success was Artem's torso. Artem says that apparently his naked chest "caused a lot of distraction", except in his accent it sounds more like "distruction" - frankly, I think it works either way, because judging by my Twitter timeline, a lot of people were wrecked by Artem's tits. Fern, bless her, says she's all in favour of Artem getting his tits out if it gets results. There's a reference to Bruno always commenting on how she looks like she's dusting, which will become relevant shortly, and then we get into comedy VT territory: Artem's got a couple of friends in to help Fern think about salsa all the time, which means she's basically being followed everywhere by a mobile salsa band. Fern says that thanks to Artem, salsa is definitely in her head this week, and she just hopes it gets her to Wembley.

They're dancing to 'You'll Be Mine (Party Time)' by Gloria Estefan, and the routine begins with Fern in a frumpy overall, polishing the camera with a duster. See? See how they're referencing Bruno's comments? Then the music kicks in, at which point Fern strides up to the judges and dusts them all with a feather duster, before removing her overall to reveal a hot pink salsa dress and shaking her thang. This routine is a bit of a revelation for Fern, actually: it's a bit sloppy - actually, it's a lot sloppy - but it's the most energetic and engaged she's looked all series, and as a result it's her best dance by far. [She looked like she was loving this one and actually trying for once - I really enjoyed it - Rad]

There's a fairly feeble explosion of confetti as Fern and Artem make their way over to the judges, and Fern quips about how she's got to clean all of this up now. Heh. Darcey says that this is definitely Fern's party, but she needs to keep her concentration in her feet during the underarm passes. Len thinks it was definitely a party dance, and this was her best dance by far. Bruno thinks this was an interesting turn of events - "from casual duster to saucy strumpet" - and he likes that she really got into the feel of the dance. There's a random shot of Bobby Ball applauding in the audience (frankly I think it's a disgusting demonstration of ageism and reverse-sexism that he's not getting as much attention as Cheryl Cole is) and Fern and Artem are dismissed without Craig getting a chance to speak.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, Fern explains that she loved it because she can't do all the neat, elegant stuff, but what she can do is shake her rack in everyone's faces. Claudia inquires innocently whether that band from the VT was driving her mad, and then they suddenly appear on the balcony, strumming and drumming away much to everyone's delight. An unusually-engaged Artem says he was very pleased with that reaction, because it was Fern's best dance. Scores are in: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Claudia tells us that the lights at Wembley are in the shape of reindeer, and that if we want Fern to see them, we'll have to vote.

Next we have Victoria and Brendan, who has removed his hat for the sake of his own dignity. I know, it's odd to think of Brendan suddenly being concerned with his dignity after ten series of this, isn't it? Especially when his previous partners include Fiona Phillips and Bloody Lulu. Last week, Victoria loathed every second of the samba, but she survived, and she's pleased that Brendan stood up for her with the judges. This week she's got the quickstep, which means she's back in hold, which in turn means that she's a lot happier. Victoria talks about how being from a sports background is a hindrance, though doesn't really do a particularly good job of explaining why: summat about coming from a physical job that she's good at and ending up in one where she doesn't have any of the skills. I dunno, I'm sure it made sense in the Pendlehead. Anyway, she feels like she owes it to Brendan to get the quickstep right this week because it's one of Brendan's favourites, and she's very grateful to the public for keeping her in this far even when she's not one of the strongest dancers.

Their routine, danced to 'Luck Be A Lady', paints Victoria as a glamorous New York socialite with Brendan as the bellhop enraptured by her arrival, to the extent that he starts ballroom dancing with her even though such actions are explicitly forbidden in article 43b of the hotel's employee handbook. Obviously, Victoria looks a lot more comfortable than she did last week, though her movement is a little skippy at times. Her posture still needs a little bit of work, but it's generally a good show from Victoria - though by far the most memorable part of the dance is when they're running back to the stairs and Brendan trips on the lowest one, falls face first, and recovers without missing a beat. He's a real pro, is Brendan. He even apologises to her at the end, bless him.

The crowd are on their feet, which is more than can be said for Brendan. He brings over a box for Craig, saying "I believe this belongs to you." The comedy bit is at risk of total failure when it looks at first that Craig can't get the box open even with Darcey's help, but eventually he gets into it and discovers...a ten paddle, covered in cobwebs. Craig does a lot to sell the gag by eying the paddle suspicious before tossing it impassively over his shoulder. Len tells Victoria that her quickstep was quick and had steps in it, and all of them correct as far as he could see, though he would like her upper body to be a bit more toned. Have you not seen her abs, Len? Bruno points out that Victoria transforms when she's in hold, and that her footwork is good, but she has to maintain this confidence that she has now in all of her dances, because sometimes she gets lost. At this point Tess shrieks "don't say the s-word!" and I have no idea what she's on about. Like, at all. Shit? Samba? Sabotage? I haven't got a clue. Craig says that her left shoulder raises sometimes, that she lost her frame on occasion and he can sometimes see her footwork in her upper body, but she moved across the floor with gusto and great timing. Finally, Darcey thinks Victoria gets more confident every week, but she just needs to control her shoulders like Craig said. Tess says "better than last week, better than the samba - NO DON'T SAY IT!" Oh, okay, so "samba" was the s-word. Still, there's no need to be quite so Basil Fawlty about it, Tess. At least he'd recently sustained a blow to the head when he kept going on about the war - what's your excuse?

There is much celebration up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, where she checks to make sure that Brendan is uninjured, but that's all there is time for before going straight to the scores, because this thing can't even keep on schedule even when Brucie isn't around to derail it. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. And let the wank about Craig giving Victoria a higher score than Louis commence. Claudia makes a joke about Victoria "quickstepping" into next week, and then follows it up with "I'm genuinely just reading out loud". Good old Claudia. She's so much more natural in this role than Tess is.

We're halfway through, so it's time for a quick look at the leaderboard: Denise and James are at the top, Louis and Flavia are second, Victoria and Brendan are third, Richard and Erin are fourth, and Fern and Artem are currently at the bottom.

Trying to carve themselves out a place high up on that board are our next couple, Dani and Vincent. Dani declares last week's jive to be her favourite dance of all the six years that she's been alive, and she's thrilled to get good comments and good scores from the judges - particularly that nine from Len last week. This week she's got a tango, where the story is that Vincent is cheating on her with another sexy lady. Apparently Vincent's chat-up technique, as demonstrated in rehearsals, is saying "Hey bella, how you doin'?" Sometimes I genuinely think that this show is the only time Vincent ever interacts with other people. In English, at least. Vincent declares that the tango is his dance, and Dani says that she wants to go to Wembley, because she's never even been there before. Honestly, these younglings with their O2 arenas and their Blackberry smartphones and their television-on-demand - they have no respect for their cultural heritage.

They're dancing to 'Rumour Has It' by Adele while a giant pair of lips pouts on the screen behind the band. I do hope they got Patricia Quinn in to do that. As you'd expect from Vincent, this is a very crisp and sharp tango - I'm not sure I entirely approve of the narrative of the philandering boyfriend physically pulling his angry girlfriend into her place and dragging her around the room, but I suppose it's best not to read too deeply into these things. They finish a few beats too early, but it's a very dramatic and effective routine that gets another standing ovation.

Bruno calls it "finger-licking good". I don't think I'd want to lick Bruno's fingers - can you imagine where they must have been? He loved the staccato nature of the dancing, the sharpness and the cleanliness of it as well as the overall performance. Craig thinks she's a lovely technician, but it was just a shame the dance finished earlier than the music - it's a small thing, but Dani's fantastic. Darcey didn't like the beginning, because she thought Dani came across like a moody teenager instead of a feisty woman (I can't believe she didn't get booed for that, but maybe people are so used to Darcey being "the nice one" she gets away with a bit more than the other three), but once she got into hold it got better and better, and she loved the end even if it was a bit early. Len liked the light and shade of the routine - that some parts were fast and clever, while others were slow and still.

Dani and Vincent make their way up to Claudia's Counselling Centre, where Dani says that there was a lot of pressure on both of them to deliver this week, and Vincent makes another joke about how she wanted to kiss him at the end but he refused. At least, I think he's joking. Scores? Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Once again, Claudia informs us that we mustn't even make eye contact with the phones yet because the lines are not open. [Love Claudia so much - Rad]

On the dancefloor, Tess cackles that the phone numbers have never been so interesting - apparently not realising the damning critique she's just delivered on her own performance in that role every week. Next up are Nicky and Karen, and since it's bring-a-bandmate week, Tess points out that Shane from Westlife is in the audience - another person whose presence has been sacrificed at the Altar Of Cole. Nicky recalls last week's trials, as James and Brendan showed him how to rumba backstage shortly before he went on - so he went out and did everything they said, and still got criticism from the judges. Yeah, not nearly as much as criticism as you got from me, Byrne. You were being READ FOR FILTH in my house, let me tell you. Karen points out the incongruity of Craig giving it a 4 and everyone else giving it a 7, but seems to be suggesting that the 7s are the more accurate mark, when I thought even the 4 was generous. This week they've got the foxtrot to 'The Best Is Yet To Come' by Michael Bublé, and Karen's choreographed some business with a mic stand into the routine - so this week there'll be times when Nicky has four points of contact with the floor instead of the usual three.

There's a real transformation at the start of the routine as Nicky begins by himself, and delivers some really fancy solo footwork. He beckons Karen over, and while they're alone they're both so animated, but the minute they take hold the energy level of the whole thing really starts to sag. It's all so slow, and deliberate, and I'm sure the footwork and the posture and everything has improved, but the dance itself is so dull I just can't bring myself to care. It gets animated again towards the end as they get out of hold and there's a real showstopping end, which momentarily reignites my interest. That's so disappointing: if the whole dance had been as enjoyable as the first 15 seconds and the last 15 seconds, it probably would've been the best routine of the night - and this has been a strong night overall so far.

Nicky turns to face the judges, and...it seems like the costume department have finally found an outfit that hides all traces of his gargantuan penis. Shame: playing "spot the trousersnake" was becoming one of my favourite Saturday night games. Oh, not like that. You're all disgusting. Anyway, Tess reminds Craig that he gave Nicky a 4 last week, and there's a hearty boo from the audience, which Nicky claims came from Cheryl Cole, but probably came from Shane. Still, there's no harm in dreaming. Tess asks Craig if he saw any improvement tonight, and Craig says "no", because he saw "a vast improvement". Uh, Craig? That's still "any" improvement, you goon. I know you feed on those choruses of boos, but at least try to generate them in a way that actually makes sense. He thought the opening promised excitement that they delivered when they got in hold, but he could have done with a bit more drive around the floor. Darcey thinks they set the mood well, but she missed the slow-quick-quick because Nicky doesn't travel so well. He's a bit like So You Think You Can Dance in that respect. Len wanted Nicky to move more, because he's always a bit flexed in the knees, but he thought Nicky had great style, and like the track said, "the best is yet to come". God, let's hope so - I can't face more of what he's been throwing out over the last couple of weeks - and for once, I don't mean his penis. Bruno thinks the opening was "pure Vegas" and that Nicky is getting better every week.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, Nicky says he's enjoying the competition so much and that he's really working hard, so it's nice that it's all starting to come together. Scores are in: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30.

Kimberley and Pasha are next, and they've got a Viennese waltz for us. Kimberley enjoyed being lowered in her hoop (not a euphemism) last week and getting a nine from Bruno. This week they're dancing to 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri, which is apparently something to do with Twilight, which explains why I've never heard of it. This week, Kimberley has mostly been finishing off her solo album (plug plug) so she's not had a lot of time to practice, meaning that she and Pasha had to dance in a tiny recording studio at Universal Records. She plays Pasha a sneak preview of her album (entirely for his benefit, I'm sure, and not at all to plug it to the viewers at home), which consists of a cover of 'Somewhere' from West Side Story, which immediately sets alarm bells ringing for me, and yep, sure enough, it's an album of showtunes. I can't really see myself buying that, and I say that as someone who bought Nicola's solo album. And Nadine's. [Nicola's is the only GA solo album I own.  I think I've listened to it precisely twice though - Rad]

Kimberley's got that dreamy, faraway look in her eyes as she stands on the steps waiting to begin the routine, and the dance delivers everything that that opening promises: it's sweet, romantic, tender and of course very well-executed. The eros spin that was much-discussed on It Takes Two is a little unsteady and feels generally out of place within the routine as a whole, but that's the only real misstep as far as I'm concerned. That was probably my favourite of the night so far, and as I said earlier, it's been a strong night.

Darcey was pleased with the emotion of Kimberley's performance as well as the beautiful extension of her neck. She did spot a stumble with the promenades, and advises Kimberley to push down through her supporting leg to stabilise them. Len decides that he's going to call her "Kimberley Waltz" because she's got more spins than Alistair Campbell. Her transitions were good, as were her fleckerl and her posture, and he liked the gentleness of the whole thing. Bruno says that it was "achingly romantic" and he loved the sense of longing - he loved the sequence of spin, and it was near perfection apart from a tiny wobble. Also, Len would like to add, Kimberley didn't cross her feet on the reverse turns, but Tess tells him he's had his turn, lest things get out of control yet again. Finally, Craig tells Kimberley that her head was a little too high and that her "snout was pointing to the ceiling", which feels rather unnecessarily personal and rude, and she hopped three times in that eros section, but he thought that overall it was delicious.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, Claudia expresses her own fondness for Kimberley's long neck, as do several of the other dancers. I sincerely hope they're all just saying that to be supportive, and not because they're secret vampires. Scores are in: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Kimberley goes completely nuts at Len's score, and Claudia notes that Cheryl is lucky. "What, to be Cheryl?" a slightly nonplussed Kimberley responds, and Claudia clarifies that she meant Cheryl is Kimberley's lucky charm. Although Cheryl Cole herself probably is quite lucky, all things considered.

Our penultimate couple for the night is Michael and Natalie, and it's his return to Latin after two weeks of success in ballroom. Michael admits he was nervous last week because the foxtrot was very difficult, but he was pleased to get Len's approval. His VT is all about how he's worked really hard this week to make sure that he's improving. "You need to have a performance face," Natalie instructs him. "Not a clown face." In old-fashioned Strictly style, they go to a salsa club to learn how the experts do it, though Michael ends up doing a lot of dad dancing, so the educational value of the visit may have been negligible.

They're dancing to 'I Want You Back' and it starts out all right, if a little laboured, but then there's a section in the middle of the floor where Michael loses his flow and can't quite seem to pick things up. Natalie's incredibly brave response to this is to recognise that the next big flourish in the music is where Michael lifts her, so she hurls herself at him like a human missile - and luckily, he remembers and grabs hold of her. While this doesn't signify a sudden improvement in his ability to dance the salsa, he does seem to get his mojo back a little bit, so much so that the second time that Natalie leaps at him (WRAPPING HER LEGS AROUND HIS NECK), it's a little bit less suicidal on her part.

Mark Ramprakash is in the audience, and gives it a standing ovation. He and his companion appear to be the only ones. Len says that compared with some of Michael's other Latin dances, this was a vast improvement - it was a bit mechanical and there was clearly A Serious Incident, but he thought Michael had great content and the lifts were excellent. Bruno thinks we can now say that Michael can bat for the Latin team as well as the ballroom team: "it's great to see you going both ways, it's about time". His timing's still not perfect, but it's so much better than his previous Latin dances. Craig points out that it must be hard to dance the salsa with Ramps in the audience because he was so great, and Michael was so automated. He too points out the section in the middle where Michael went horribly wrong, and adds in that it wasn't so much that Michael recovered, it was more that Natalie got him out of it by sheer force of will - and by chucking her own body at him. Despite the timing issues however, he loved the lifts, the energy and Michael's commitment. Darcey liked it - it wasn't saucy, but it was cute and she was very impressed to see him using his thighs to prepare for the lifts, so if he was lifting her, she'd feel very confident. Indeed.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, she feigns ignorance of having spotted any Incident, but Michael and Natalie know that the jig is up and confess. Michael says that Natalie's very trusting, because he dropped a lot of balls in his cricketing career. Claudia wins comment of the night with "Darcey says she wants you to lift her: that's the wrap party sorted." Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26 - not exactly a personal best, but still Michael's highest Latin score.

Finishing off the show are Lisa and Robin. Lisa recalls getting a 7 from Darcey last week, and how that made her week. (You know what else Darcey gave a 7 to last week? Nicky's rumba. I'm just saying.) This week, she really wants to get all of her footwork right in her foxtrot, and in rehearsals they spend a lot of time practising a heel turn, which is something that Len always looks out for. Lisa explains that this involves putting your feet together, and turning with your toes in the air and all of your weight on your heels. She points out that, in her case, this is a lot of weight and she's already broken one pair of shoes. Alexandra Burke's 'Broken Heels' plays on the soundtrack (a nice effort from the editors, but it's still nothing on playing 'Baby I Don't Care' during Holly Valance's VT last year) as Robin explains that they've put two heel turns in just in case Len misses one of them.

They're dancing to '(This Will Be) An Everlasting Love' by Natalie Cole, and it's fitting that the main thing I associate with this song nowadays is Dida Ritz's amazing Lip Sync For Your Life on RuPaul's Drag Race, because I think Robin thought he was choreographing for a drag revue when he came up with this routine. It's just all tits and teeth and exaggerated movements and playing to the back of the room. There is some nice stuff when they're in hold (and the camera goes to great lengths to capture those all important heel-turns, but then it all goes wrong again with a lot of mugging and scampering across the room at the end. It's basically the exact opposite of Nicky's routine: good in the middle, but ruined by a rubbish start and end.

There's a standing ovation, of course, and Bruno tells Lisa that her feet were on fire - he thought it was pure Broadway, but he reminds Lisa again that she's not supposed to lead. Her energy and performance was great, but she must remember not to push Robin around and let him lead. Craig thinks Lisa had impeccable timing and ferocious footwork, and he loved the lines she was making. Darcey says that Lisa has worked really hard this week, and this was a fast and enthusiastic foxtrot, and Lisa's best ballroom dance. Finally, Len says that he saw the first heel turn by the judges, but the other she attempted later on in the routine went a bit "cranky". And trust me, Len knows cranky when he sees it. He thinks Lisa has the F factor, for foxtrot, footwork and fun. Thank goodness he didn't say the other f-word, and I don't mean "fuck".

They scamper up to Claudia's Counselling Centre, but Robin slides and loses his balance at the foot of the stairs. It's a very accident-prone night tonight, isn't it? [Maybe Ian Waite's been applying grease to the floors in the hope of scuppering one of them enough that he can come back furrealz - Rad] Lisa says she's been working so hard all week, and they've had a ball. Claudia asks Robin if he's in pain, and Robin blushes that he isn't hurt, he's just embarrassed. Aww. Scores are in: 8s all round for a total of 32, Lisa's highest score.

Right, let's check that final leaderboard then:
1st: Denise & James (36)
2nd: Dani & Vincent (34)
2nd: Kimberley & Pasha (34)
4th: Louis & Flavia (33)
5th: Lisa & Robin (32)
6th: Victoria & Brendan (30)
6th: Nicky & Karen (30)
8th: Richard & Erin (29)
9th: Fern & Artem (27)
10th: Michael & Natalie (26)

So all things considered, a pretty good week for everyone. Claudia summarises this as "at the very top we've got Denise and James there with the maximum 10 points, at the bottom Michael and Natalie with three points, and then the other people in the middle." I love Claudia so much. She declares the lines officially open (only for 20 minutes tonight, it seems - I'm sure it's normally longer than that) and we get a quick recap of the evening's action.

That's it - only nine couples will make it to Wembley next week, and we'll be finding out who those couples are tomorrow night. I would've thought it could be anyone from the bottom three on the leaderboard going home, but given that everyone was of a fairly high quality tonight, I wouldn't rule out some sort of shock appearance in the bottom two as the lower-ranking couples get a bit of a boost. We shall see tomorrow, anyway.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- James injured his ankle during rehearsals on Saturday, so Denise is training with Ian this week. Of course, technically the rules state that she should be dancing with the last professional dancer of the appropriate gender to have exited the competition, but since that would have been Anton, clearly special measures have been taken. SPECIAL RINGER MEASURES.
- Erin was very ill last week, and passed it on to Flavia and Louis, because she's ruthless like that.
- Zoe cried for the first time this series watching Colin and Kristina getting eliminated.
- Craig might be up for filling in for James if required to do so. EVEN MORE SPECIAL RINGER MEASURES.
- There should be a liquid in the rumba. I knew it was meant to be the SEXY DANCE OF SEX, but that seems to be going a bit far.
- Fern and Artem's current plan for his next outfit is suede chaps.
- Craig's excuse for all those ridiculous alliterative words he rolls out during judging is that actors like them when he uses them in his day job. Now more than ever I'm disappointed that Alesha didn't rap all of her critiques when she was on the show.
- Craig knows his Prodigy albums

- Craig wants to see Nicky actually dahnce.  Don’t we all, dahling?
- The greatest jives in the world are all about turning.
- The answers are always in the music. Also, the cake is a lie.
- Michael and Natalie enjoy injuring each other in rehearsals.
- Julien McDonald pronounces the word "volume" in a really peculiar way.
- The secret to a good tango is to dance like you're in a vase.
- Kimberley's going to be dancing an eros this weekend, whatever that is.
- Louis's attempts at impersonating the male pro dancers are surprisingly good.
- Louis's mum Elaine keeps turning up at training and interfering. Flavia enjoys this, Louis does not.
- Despite the injury, James is vowing to dance on Saturday - but he's had to make their paso doble easier to avoid making his ankle worse.
- Erin's attempt to make the gayest dances ever sounds like it's about to go nuclear with the Charleston.
- Karen's putting more content into hers and Nicky's routine this week.  So the odd two steps rather than just the odd one?
- Fern and Artem are going for 'bumography' this week.  Eep.
- Zoe is always hungry when Pasta... Pasha is around.  Flithmonger.
- Pasha's hair is getting steadily worse :(
- Zoe thinks Pasha is a mix between Edward and Jacob from Twilight. OH ZOE.
- Kimberley wouldn't mind dancing to a Girls Aloud song - 'The Promise' or 'Love Machine', probably.
- James is jealous of Ian. Colour us all shocked.
- Bruno is encouraging Darcey to be naughty.
- Darcey says "pacific" instead of "specific". And you thought Alesha saying "you was" was bad.
- Robin is the vainest person in the world.
- Karen Hauer thinks she was named after Karen Hardy. THE SHADE OF IT ALL.
- Richard Arnold is the Charleston.
- John Partridge calls Denise an old pro.  Ouch.
- Zoe does a passable Ruth Madoc impression.
- Connor Maynard is YOUNG and not actually Justin Bieber which one of us thought when they heard his single.
- Su Pollard's understanding of cricket is that people "catch the ball" and then "do the bat".
- The animal of the week voted for Nicky and Karen to top the leaderboard.  Presumably it thought it should vote for who was going home.
- Victoria's proudest moment is turning twice, 'all by myself'.
- Vincent seems to think he is the Fonz now. He possibly sustained some sort of blow to the head.
- Dani has been teaching Vincent the difference between "pause" and "pose". LOL COMEDY FORRINS.

A Bond Farewell

Top 11 results show: 4 Nov 2011

Has anyone else noticed how in the opening credits, Erin and Natalie are wearing the same snake bracelet?  Is it BBC cutbacks, or is it A SIGN?  (Of what, I don't know - insert your theories here).

We open with an all-male (minus Anton, for reasons we'll become grateful for in a moment) pro-dance to A Little Less Conversation.  Apart from a mini Pasha solo followed by Artem FLYING IN, it basically involves the men dressed like strippers and Pasha and Artem knowing their audience by getting their tits out again [TEN!!!!! - Steve], plus lots of arse wiggling and plenty of this kind of thing.  It's also highly energetic and very entertaining, if hilariously competitive as they all try and get the most attention.  There's a bit where James and Brendan attempt to do a fully (ish) clothed spit-roasting of Darcey and another bit where Brendan backflips off the judges' table.  The competitive spirit does kind of douse the spirit of teamwork, though, and they all get out of time with each other several times.  But I can imagine the target audience don't mind that so much, considering.

Tess and Claudia arrive, brandishing sparklers.  Tess's white dress, whilst cut rather well for her for a change, contains lace.  I repeat - Tess Daly, lace and a sparkler.  This is exactly the kind of thing all those Public Information Films they made us watch when we were children were made for.  They apologise for the props being a bit rubbish and said they spent all the money on Halloween week.  Then Tess burns herself.  I KNEW that was a bad idea.  She soon recovers enough to remind us of how sexy the male dancers were, because she's Tess.  Len looks especially pleased at that comment even though none of the male pros are SPORTSMEN as far as I know.

We're treated to the usual recap of "last night" replete with Claudia's backstage snooping.  I'm only going to recap the best of the backstage bits if that's OK with you.  Vincent is mobbed by women (including Denise and Karen Hauer - and while we're on that subject, having two Karens in the Strictly 'family' would be bad enough, but two Karen Hs is taking the mick), Victoria flashes Claudia, Nicky and Michael continue BANTERWARS, Craig lies that there are no gimmicks, Karen Hauer gets her kicks from Claudia touching herself, Lionel Blair has just discovered Gangnam style, Lisa fancies Artem, Nicky doesn't give a shit about being shit but Karen Hauer has turned to self-flagellation, Natalie is working miracles.

Time for our first reveals of the night.  Safe are: Denise and James, Fern and Artem's tits, Dani and Vincent, Kimberley and Pasha, Louis and Flavia.  In the bottom two are Colin and Kristina, who look like they knew.  Then Tess does a big ol' fake out 'Also joining them in the bottom two will be' thing which actually gets Lisa looking sick and the audience going 'oooh' even though we all know the punchline to that is going to be 'revealed later on'. [Seriously. I'd say "does no one watch Dancing On Ice?" but this year no one did. - Steve]

Tess asks what Colin needs to do.  Len says glide more and drive off from his standing leg.  Thanks Len!

Up on Claudia's Counselling Circle, Dani reveals she's cricked her neck.  Hooray!  Most of the celebrities and pros are broken and we're not even halfway through the series!  We're also reminded that DARCEY FANCIES LOUIS.  Because that's not old already.

Because we're in for a super-special treat, we have TWO - count-em - guest performers tonight!  We know this is a super treat because earlier, Tess and Claudia both had to tell us between gritted teeth that the show was spoiling us with two guest performances.  Sadly neither of them are Paloma Faith, but thankfully neither of them are Bruce doing his annual attempt at singing.  Bagsy that being Steve's recap week!  Although that would still be preferable to the performance from our first guest stars The Wanted and their new single 'Only Dogs Can Hear Us' which sounds like what would happen if Jake Shears, the Bee Gees, Matt Cardle and Johnny Robinson formed a band and were told their collective falsetto wasn't high pitched enough.  It's straight into my worst three aural assaults of the weekend, along with the Strictly singers mauling 'Naughty Girl' and that thing Jahmene did on The X Factor.  They bring with them the most dancers ever seen on TV, but as they're doing some kind of generic 'party' dance most of the time, they don't really count.

I'd say I was relieved that was all over, but it's now time for Len's Lens, which Claudia describes as a 'member', so clearly she's seen what Monkseal calls this section.  First up, we have Richard and Erin's mics turned up so we can hear them in the dance.  Erin is saying 'follow me' through gritted teeth, whilst Richard keeps going 'Oh no' and then they both crack up <3 <3.  Len says everyone forgets their routines (insert obvious Bruce Forsyth joke here).  We see that during Richard and Erin's dance, Len shouted 'pull yourself together', whilst Bruno was literally crying with laughter.  So telling.  Len then gets apoplectic and the other three crack up.  Heh.  Darcey played with Craig's hair, Len showed off about giving Dani and Vincent a 9 and then strops that he was right and the other judges were wrong like the mardy arse he is.  Craig then lusts over Artem some more and Bruno is shown lusting over Kimberley and Pasha's performance - I'm guessing in another Bruno has a bisexual moment kind of way.

Back to the results and all the weaker couples are left til this last group for some more suspense - and Lisa looks sick the whole time.  Anyway, safe are: Michael and Natalie,  Victoria and Brendan, Nicky and Karen, and, after an eternity, Lisa and Robin, meaning Richard and Erin are in the bottom two, neither of whom seem especially surprised.  He kisses her and Craig points out they have an opportunity to redeem their routine.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Circle, Lisa still looks petrified and Victoria is glad never to have to samba again. Michael's putting his faith in Natalie for their salsa.  Aww.  Love those two so much.

Our second 'special' guest is Andrea Bocelli, for the mams (although I'd argue the mams have been pretty well served tonight, all in all).  He's doing Nessun Dorma, which is one of the two opera songs I know (along with O Sole Mio/Just One Cornetto), like the rest of the country - note not the only two I've heard, but the ones I've heard enough to remember.  I don't count Time To Say Goodnight as proper opera, by the way.  It might be, but I suspect it's the kind of thing opera purists would turn their noses up at.  The interesting thing about this performance is a pro dance from Pasha and Karen which is one for the rumour mill.  Have they sent poor Iveta back home?  (And shouldn't Aliona's ankle be fixed by now?)  Has Artem fallen out with Karen?  Are we going to have loads of pro switch-ups from now on?  I'm all for this last one, by the way, depending on the combinations created. [For what it's worth, I heard this performance was recorded several weeks ago, possibly back before they knew whether Aliona was going to be able to come back or not, so maybe they subbed in Karen to avoid complicating matters. - Steve] I suspect this is the kind of comment Strictly purists would turn their noses up at.  It's all very pretty anyway and it's nice to see a bit of a Karen showcase to prove she can actually dance (or at least be chucked around gracefully).  I was beginning to wonder.

Claudia is with the bottom two couples and Richard jokes that it's not doing the dance again, it will be his first time [Except the dress rehearsal!  - Bruce].  Colin and Kristina seem much more subdued about their chances.

Richard and Erin are up first and this time Richard remembers his steps and it's actually pretty good: in time, some nifty footwork, plenty of turns.  Colin and Kristina are still beset by some of the problems from before: Colin's knees, their height difference, the stupid kicks, that bloody singer going 'Acent-tuate' all the time.

Over to the judges: Craig saves Richard and Erin for being better than the first time, whilst Colin and Kristina were worse; Darcey saves Richard and Erin via a spot of nonsense 'I wouldn't have either couple in the dance off' business; Bruno also saves Richard and Erin for turning things completely around whilst the others messed it up a little.  Len says he would also have saved them.

Kristina is clearly annoyed and clings to Colin for dear life, representing all the mams who have one less piece of eye candy for next week.  Colin then gives a long speech about this being one of the best shows he's ever been involved in, calling it seminal and telling the judges they have knowledge and then he says he 'accepts [defeat] with grace' - not sure you can say that about yourself, but anyhoo.  Kristina cries and I don't know if that's because she's sad to be out, sad to lose Colin or sensing her time on this show is coming to its natural end.  (I hope not, I like her, but I just get the feeling that's the way the wind's blowing.  Maybe I'm just being a pessimist, but then... poor Katya and Ian and Matthew and Nicole and the Bennetts and Karen Hardy and... the other, less useful, ones Neva4get).

Next week: Claudia replaces Bruce!  Hooray!  Join us then!

Bit of a damp squib

Top 11 - Performance show

3 November 2012

Last week!  THE HORROR!  And that was just Sid and Ola's outfits.  We also saw Victoria and Michael weirdly be very good, Lisa and Robin repeat the same dance for the third time and Erin setting the place on fire as if it were Kye Sonezzzzz she was partnering rather than Richard.

Tonight we're theme week-free, although don't expect that to also mean gimmick-free, or to mean an increase in dance quality.  But still, we've got the stage to keep us amused at least.

Bruce and Tess enter and do both the fist-bump thing and a very awkward variation on the leg-lift. Daly dresswatch: red, a bit unflattering around the bosom area (her cleavage is almost popping out in profile and then there's a baggy bit underneath the bust) and an uncomfortable looking slit right up the middle.  It's not the worst she's ever worn but it's by no means flattering.  The celebrities arrive, and their lack of enthusiasm to jig along to the theme tune remains in place.  Bruce makes a joke about us missing a 'sexy blonde dancer' and he says he doesn't mean Ola - at this point I was thinking Jerry anyway. Sorry, Ola. [I was thinking Katya. NEVA 4GET. - Steve] [Blonde? - Rad] Anyway, he meant that 'thing' Vincent had on his head this week - although this week his faux teddy-boy quiff seems hardly better. And Dani has a random pink ponytail because... I don't know, reasons or something.  Maybe a comedy VT will tell us.

On the red button this week, Karen is joined by Lionel Blair.  I can't get the red button on BBC One HD, but I am, of course, sorry to have missed that.

First up, it's Kimberley and Pasha.  Bruce calls him Pasta and Tess finally gets out a joke about him being 'a dish', which would be quite funny for Tess if we could have heard her over the audience whooping at Bruce being doddery a competent TV presenter who made an innocent mistake.  Their VT reminds us that last week Pasha tried to be a wolf but no-one in the world thought he was scary.  Bless him.  Kimberley was happy to get 8s.  Kimberley's twisted her knee and getting in pain whenever they twist... and they've got a salsa.  Pasha then attempts what I can only assume is a burn on Ola's patented starfish choreography by saying that the worst case scenario is that Kimberley stands there looking pretty and he dances around her.  Although I wouldn't call many of Ola's partners 'pretty'. Apologies Mrs Sid, Mrs Chris and The Lovely Debbie McGee, I'm sure they have a 'charm'.

Kimberley arrives on a hoop swing (looking a bit like Kylie with the way they've done her hair and make-up) to the strains of the band screeching through 'Naughty Girl'.  I know we moan about the fabulous Strictly singers a lot round these parts, but that really was one of their most excruciating moments in recent memory. The dance itself is pretty complicated with lots of twists, lifts and spins, although Kimberley's leg stiffens in places, presumably because of the knee - and I can't help wondering whether it's going to make things worse in the long run giving her such an involved routine.  Still, it's all very aesthetically pleasing.

Judges time and Bruce reminds us that Darcey wants to fist Louis (What?  That's totally what he said. Also - that idea came up a lot on Graham Norton this week when Darcey was on, and Lord help me, I quite liked her on that.) Way to make Kimberley the focus, there, Bruce.  Len says it's the 'return of Nimble Kimble' - although I thought she got her best score yet last week so I don't know. [I guess because last week was ballroom rather than Latin, and "nimble" being more appropriate in Latin because of the speed? I dunno, it's Len's mind, I try not to think too much about how it works. - Steve] Bruno, who must be having a bisexual week again this week, goes on about her saucy and seductive hips and how well she mounts and dismounts.  Craig doesn't comment so much as act like Joey in that episode of Friends where he gets the single-volume of the enyclopedia, only Craig got the L volume, so recites 'Laviscious, Licentious, Lubricious'. Bruce attempts to translate for the thickos at home saying that Craig liked it.  Darcey says they pulled off some difficult moves and he asks her what she thinks of Pasta - it's not clear whether this was a deliberate joke or Bruce screwing up again. But such is the nature of the Forsyth, I guess.

Up on the Tess Circle, Tess asks us whether Kimberley is still humble or a 'total goddess', because apparently you can't be both.  I audibly sigh at this because we all know what happens when women on these shows get depicted as CONFIDENT MONSTERS.  Or maybe I'm just wary after many years of paying close scrutiny to The X Factor.  Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 for a total of 33.  Their first nine and their best score yet.  Pasha makes eyes at the camera when Tess implores us to vote for them.  I'll consider it, Pasha, once you sort your hair out (it's still so, so wrong).

Next up, Lisa and Robin.  Bruce attempts a terrible showmance joke although the punchline is that nobody fancies him.  Poor Wilnelia.  We're reminded that Lisa's footwork last week sucked and Lisa acknowledges this and says they need to improve their score.  They're going to be 'very poised and very serious' in their tango - yeah, with that music choice, good luck to you both.  Lisa says she can't take it seriously when Robin tries to be sultry.  Poor Robin.  I'd suggest that he and Erin could be partnered together one of these days for a gaymazing pro dance but I don't think there's enough room in all the world to contain the high camp that would pour forth from such a combination.

For their 'serious' tango, they're dressed in bright purple glitter and dancing to that most tango-esque choice of song, 'Let's Stick Together'.  When I compile the songs I would dance to on this show, I always have the most choices for the Tango and Argentine Tango (currently I lean towards The Smashing Pumpkins' 'Bullet With Butterfly Wings' for the former and Sebadoh's 'Beauty of the Ride' for the latter. Because mid-90s American alternative rock is just how this show rolls) but this song has never, ever crossed my mind as an option.  Nor has it crossed the mind of any sane person, because it is the WORST CHOICE EVER for a tango song. Oh, Robin.  Dancing-wise, their heads are all over the place and out of time with one another, and in some places Lisa's footwork is light and controlled, but in others it gets a bit stompy (and her kicks are pretty awkward).  She's very quick as usual.  There's some nonsense with a chair that we could have done without although Lisa seems a bit more confident dancing with the chair than  her partner.  Robin also staggers over at the end and I can't tell if it's deliberate or not, but it looked like a comedy fall. Serious, that dance was not.

Until this series, I always thought Robin was one of those pros who might be OK, given a semi-decent dancer, but now I'm not so sure.  Lisa was really good in the first week and showed some potential, and he doesn't seem to have done anything with that - it's clearly not all his fault, but it's hard to see what he's doing to push Lisa and get the best out of her.  Bruce thanks the singers, Dave Arch and the orchestra - two songs in isn't bad for him, and to have done so after the assault on Naughty Girl might have been somewhat disingenuous.

Bruno likes Lisa's energy and performance but thinks the dance needed to be sharper with stronger lines.  Craig says her footwork needed to be tighter and she needed better glide.  She also has an awkward left hand, apparently, although Len snarks that 'it's a tango' because apparently you don't have hands in a tango or somesuch, I don't know, it's Len.  There is then a massive argument about whether or not you 'glide' in a tango.  Craig then says she needs to give better head (FNAR) or words to that effect, but the routine itself was amazing.  Darcey said they probably turned too much and the head and feet could have been sharper but the performance was great, whilst Len reiterates that Lisa can PERFORM.  He says it was sharp and had attack but then says the feet and head needed refinement.  So were they sharp or not, Len?

They run up to the Tess Circle and Lisa says she really wanted to get ballroom right.  Scores: 7, 7, 6, 7 for a total of 27 - so that's ballroom 'on the way' perhaps, rather than right?  Lisa and Robin collapse into a fit of giggles.

Richard and Erin are next, dancing the foxtrot to Hey Big Spender.  Bruce makes an entirely obvious joke about Len being a tightwad, but heck, a joke at Len's expense is a joke at Len's expense.  We're reminded how last week, Len called Richard 'butch' and Richard gave the campest shocked face ever in response.  Love Richard.  If you were lulled into a false sense of security about VTs by the training footage only nature of the previous two, then it's time to snap out of it, as the comedy VTs are back! This time Richard is 'treating' Erin to chicken from tupperware and a ride on his plastic dinghy because their song is Hey Big Spender HOHO DO YOU SEE.  He then undermines it by taking her on one of those rickshaw bike thingies they have in That London and other touristy places, which are, as far as I'm aware, rather extortionate.

Their dance opens with Erin getting drunk - and it looks like she drank two people's cocktails.  Never change, Erin, never change. Richard clomps on and they're very clumsy getting into hold - then there's some business with Erin chucking fake money about.  As they dance it's a bit more controlled although Erin's essentially doing all the work, and even she looks like she's about to slip at one point - maybe the floor is extra shiny this week or something.  Then Richard totally loses his footing and it throws him, although not nearly as much as when it happens to Victoria.  They pick it back up at the end (although Richard is still mostly walking about) and Erin Boag can chalk off another success in her quest to make things as super-camp as possible (oh, and she's wearing purple sparkly gloves - I swear she and Robin are secretly in league).

Bruce rubs in Richard's mistake by constantly going 'BUT YOU WERE GREAT IN THE DRESS REHEARSAL!  YOU DID IT ONCE!  WHAT A SHAME YOU MESSED THIS UP!  WHAT A SHAME!  YOU WERE BETTER BEFORE!  BUT YOU BLEW IT!' at him.  Thanks, Bruce!  And I bet you and Tess managed a decent leg lift then, too, and you also got some laughs... oh, who am I kidding?

Craig declares it 'a complete dahnce disaster and it went horribly wrong'.  Bruce keeps going on about the dress rehearsal.  Darcey tells him to use his thighs more.  Perv.  Richard's retort? 'I'm running out of places to put it Darcey'.  Love him, but he clearly doesn't have quite as much trouble in that department as Nicky.  Bruce points out that everyone has made mistakes, which seems to me to be more a plea for people to forgive his dodderiness occasional missed cues because live TV is hard, m'kay, than anything else. Len snarks that  he's going to call Richard 'The Plodfather;' and says when pros make a mistake they overcome it, but when celebrities make a mistake it screws them up. Thanks Len!  Bruno then calls him a frozen haddock and a puppet when you cut the strings.  I think he's been sipping on whatever Erin had. Bruce declares them his favourites and they bundle up to the Tess Circle.

Richard says 'you hear these apocryphal' tales of people missing steps - oh, Richard, her name's Victoria and you've seen her do it twice in the past month.  Let's not pretend here.  He reminds us that it was perfect in rehearsal and so does Tess.  Richard seems happy that 'we're going to be on the internet for ever'. Well, you say that, but you try and find half of Zoe Ball's dances on there, Richard. [IT'S A CONSPIRACY! - Steve] He then tells an anecdote about some cab driver asking him what scent he was wearing, but it's unclear if this was in a 'phew you stink', 'phwoar I fancy you' or 'must get me some of that' kind of way.  Scores: 3, 5, 5, 4, for a total of 17.  Their phone number has 10 on it and Erin closes her eyes and says '10' and dreams of distant days before she got lumbered with comedy celebs and lumbering SPORTSMEN.

Denise and James next, but not before Bruce has got in an 'Anton Du Berk' joke.  Oh, Bruce, that insecurity will never die, will it?  Denise feels that she let James down last week - it's a bit worrying that even the uber-perky Denise has been subdued by James pushing her too hard.  He takes her to a ballroom dancing class and some old geezer pushes him out of the way to dance with Denise.  HILARITY ENSUES.

Their Viennese waltz is to 'At Last' and Denise is wearing what feels like her billionth floaty blue skirt, which is a slightly different shade of blue from James' tie.  Oh, wardrobe.  The routine is very neat and controlled apart from one bit where Denise spins out of the hold and goes a bit wobbly.  It also seems a lot shorter than Richard and Erin's foxtrot, but that could be due to lack of props.  Anyway, it was all very pretty.  Is this where I insert the BLOODY RINGER comment?

Bruno loved it and then everyone says fleckerl about fifty times because we didn't have enough of that with Flavia the other week.  Craig's 'one word' is 'A-ma-zing' and Bruce effuses about how wonderful it was.  On the Tessanine, Denise says the dizziness was difficult and then there is some dizzy blonde banter LOL before the revelation that the dress rehearsal was awful, because apparently the dress rehearsal is now a thing we need to care about.  Scores 9, 8 (and some boos for this), 9, 9 for an impressive 35.  Bloody Ringer etc.

Next it's Victoria and Brendan doing the samba, and she looks terrified even before it starts.  In their training, she's wearing huge gloves and he's wearing jeans. So professional.  Victoria sulks about it being hard and then Brendan says 'It will never be fantastic, sambas never are'.  BURN.  (But also somewhat true, at least in terms of this show and what it calls a samba). [I dunno, off the top of my head, Alesha's and Zoe's were both pretty good. - Steve] Victoria then STORMS OUT of training.
When she comes back, it's in a woolly hat.  How cold ARE those training rooms?

They're dancing to 'It's Not Unusual' and the lighting is all golden with a huge Vegas sign on the back wall with their names emblazoned upon it.  Although Vegas as a theme is no Blackpool, let's face it.  There are also some showgirls... and we see Victoria emerge with a fluffy stole from behind the judges' desk.  As she gets onto it, Darcey's face wears the terrified expression of someone who is fully expecting a stiletto to the face (which I can only assume happened in the dress rehearsal). [Accidentally on purpose. - Steve] There are two showgirl-dressed dancers bobbing up and down at the side of the table for no apparent reason other than perhaps Brendan is storing them as emergency reserve dance partners should Victoria, well, be Victoria.  She does some half-hearted sub-samba roll motions, before Brendan (who is on the dance floor) takes her hand and they have a weird height mis-matched dance for a bit - maybe in empathy for Colin and Kristina, who can say?  Victoria is literally just stepping from side to side here.  When they get onto the dancefloor, Brendan is basically dragging her around and pushing her into position and her face screams 'I HATE THIS' louder than Tess's when Bruce forces her into a leg lift. It's fortunate Victoria is in a short dress tonight because there's no doibt she'd have caught her heel on it yet again if she weren't. A couple of the turns are OK but then she loses pace with him and then basically gives up and eye rolls the camera.

Bruce calls her saucy and Len says 'we came out of the recession this week' - did we? Or is Len just a Tory? (I realise both things could be true...) [I believe we did, technically, but I didn't even get that was what Len was doing - I just thought he was making some sort of grand allusion to a "dance recession" or something. - Steve] This is a precursor to a comment about her coming out of her shell and being 'brave'. Brave is never a compliment on these shows, is it? It's a side-step away from 'performance' in the Strictly book of backhanded compliments.  Bruno says it was very shaky and not very samba-esque, calling it choreography of the hangover.  BURN.  Craig says it was awkward and her free arm needs work and her cicadas (I think?  I'm not so up on my terminology, even after watching eight series and a few bits of this show) weren't great, which then  prompts her to do one with more energy and verve than she bothered to muster up on the dance floor, and it still looks like a drunk aunt shouting 'ave it!' when some Take That (early era) comes on at the wedding disco.  He lies that Victoria coped well with the routine, which I can only presume is to protect her because she's fragile.  Darcey says not to give away when they're coming to the end of the dance, even though the music clearly tells us anyway.

Up on the Tess Circle, Victoria shakes.  Tess reminds her that she is brilliant at cycling but rubbish at dancing, AND HOW DOES THAT FEEL NOT BEING THE BEST or words to that effect.  Tess reminds Brendan that his sambas always suck and Brendan's pleased it's over.  Scores: 6, 6, 6, 5 for a total of a hugely overmarked 23.  They then dance about some more and I suspect several people have been at Erin's cocktails tonight.

Bruce is then flanked by the showgirls and makes a threesome joke, which is probably less than wise in this era of NO SEX AT BBC EVER PLEASE.  Speaking of which, Louis and Flavia are up next and it's our cue for another DARCEY IS A PERV joke.  They were pleased to get some 9s last week.  In their samba rehearsals, Louis is also wearing a hat, although coupled with a vest so his room can't be as cold as Victoria's (unless the effect is to make his nipples stand out, phwoar ladies and gay gents amirite etc).  They make a nod to the comedy VT by bringing in comedy inflatable props for a second or two.  Not really trying hard enough, you two.

They're dancing to Ricky Martin's 'La Bomba' (no, me neither) and Flavia, god bless her Dirty Dancing obsession, has dressed them as Patrick Swayze and Cynthia Rhodes from said film. [Another reference entirely lost on me. - Steve] Except Cynthia Rhodes never wore sunglasses.  Louis lolls on the bar (AGAIN!  No wonder the dances are a bit lacklustre this week) looking a bit disinterested (as usual) before doing some moves with his legs and then starting to dance with Flavia - which sounds pretty rubbish when written down, but looked pretty good on screen.  For much of the time, Flavia is doing way more work than him, and he walks around flicking his arm out, but he does so in a stylish way (with an open V on his shirt) so as to detract from him being less good than usual.  There's a bit where they separate and he does some solo moves, which mainly involve him waggling his hips and pointing at his tits.  There's some nice knee dancing at the end though.  It wasn't terrible by any means, but I did feel a bit emperor's new clothes about it all, and it felt more salsa-y than samba-like but then, this show and its interchangeable latin...

Bruno goes on about Louis' hips and also says the dance was a bit too like salsa.  Craig says the samba can look 'mincey' but he made it look masculine (if by masculine you read: don't give two hoots, then sure) although he missed a few moves.  Darcey was a bit disappointed and says it was too safe, at which Bruno's all 'what, THOSE HIPS?'  Oh, put it away.  Len says 'every dance studio in the Britain will be congratulating you' because it had a lot of recognisable samba steps and this bladdy latin is bladdy rubbish anyway and it's hard for SPORTSMEN.  Or something like that.

On the Tess Circle, Tess talks about Louis 'getting it out' and loving his hips.  Filthmonger.  Scores: 6, 7, 8, 8 for a total of 29.  Tess talks about Louis' abs some more.  Never change, Tess.

Colin and Kristina next and Bruce makes a joke about both he and Colin acting with dames, only his were of the panto variety.  Last week they were in the bottom two and Colin is relieved hit to be there this time.  Their foxtrot is to 'Accentuate the Positive' and they try and make out like their ridiculous height difference can be used to do that.

The singer decides to 'accentuate' accentuate by pronouncing it 'Accent-tuate' which riles me RIGHT UP and means I'm already predisposed to hate this, no matter what Colin and Kristina do.  Nice job, Strictly singers!   The dance starts well although clearly hampered by the height difference, but about halfway through, his knees go to pot and then there's an awkward bit where Kristina stops to blow a kiss to Len and Colin does a 'no no' motion with his finger that stilts the whole rhythm of the piece. Then there are some ill-advised kicks and Colin losing his footing a bit but it ends in a nice pose.

Bruce declares himself a fan of the kicks.  Darcey says he has LONG LEGS as if we didn't know and compares his kicks to John Cleese's funny walks.  Len says it was like gliding on a shagpile carpet and the audience boo, at which he snaps 'I LIKED IT.'  Oh, Len, you know on this show you always need to start on a positive if you want the audience on your side, which Bruno then amply demonstrates by getting in his compliments before his critiques and receiving whoops from the audience for his trouble.

In the Tess Circle, Tess demands more kicks from Colin and then makes up some nonsense about them being the highest in Strictly history, like that's a thing.  Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27 and Colin's personal best score.

Nicky and Karen are up next and we're reminded about it being his best dance even though it wasn't his highest score, such is this series' consistency.  Their VT is all about how Nicky's posture sucks.  Their rumba is to 'Don't Wanna Miss a Thing', which is a song I absolutely hate.  Nicky's 'romance' face appears to also be his 'about to crack up at any moment' one.  The routine consists of him mainly standing and occasionally doing Hong Kong Phooey arms (/poses) and there's a bit where the singer totally messes up the words and just goes 'Do-ey do-ey do-ey do' and Nicky and Karen both look like they're about to burst with laughter and Karen pulls her best 'WTF' face.  Nicky then awkwardly drags her back and does a very staggery turn and overall it looks about the standard you'd expect from a John Sargeant or Russell Grant rather than a contender.

Darcey says he had some nice poses but it wasn't very seductive.  Bruno says he had a lot of purpose and Nicky was playing the girl.  All concerned with lipstick and shoes like these wimminz tend to be.  Craig says if the dance had been about merely presenting the girl, then, fine, but otherwise he needed to do more.  Len looks perturbed because it was a BLOKE RUMBA and as we all know, they are truly THE HARDEST OF ALL THINGS.  However, we don't actually get to hear his pearls of wisdom on this matter - but on the Tess Circle, reminds us of this fact.  Scores: 4, 7, 7, 7 for a ridiculously overmarked total of 25.  I can accept Len's 7 because, Len, but the other two?  Bonkers. [I can't decide what was the most ridiculous score of the night - Darcey scoring Nicky's not-rumba the same as Louis's samba, or Craig scoring Louis's samba the same as Victoria's. - Steve] Also, for package watchers, he was on black, which kind of disguised things a bit from the front, but when he was in profile, it was still very prominent. [The Bulge deserves its own spot in the opening titles at this point. - Steve]

Next up, it's Fern and Artem's tits and a terrible joke from Bruce which I won't repeat.  Bad firework safety protocol was involved though.  Last week, Fern had a nightmare but this week she has a comedy acting coach to teach her how to use a fan for their paso doble.

The Strictly website tells me they're dancing to Espana Cani, which sounds suitably bull-fighting ish and even more suitably absent of singers.  Hooray!  As if that wasn't spoiling us enough, Artem is topless.  Fern is wearing a slightly odd blue dress that does her no favours but allows her to waft the skirt around a lot as is her wont.  The dance is a bit clompy and walky and Fen loses her footing a few times, but then, who hasn't tonight?  The floor spins aren't as bad as they might otherwise be, but generally it's an exercise in Artem scowling and pushing his tits out to distract us.

Len stretches the firework puns by saying it fizzed but never exploded.  Bruno says she wasn't fiery enough and looked like she was polishing the floor a bit.  Craig says he was distracted by Artem's tits and Fern licks her lips.  Artem runs to get the cape and the audience boo, then Fern removes it to a cheer.  SHAMELESS PERVS ALL OF YOU. Darcey liked it, but then she WOULD, because she is FILTHY.  Speaking of which, Tess interviews them by staring straight at Artem's chest the whole time.  Worryingly, in place of Artem, I typed Anton half the time and had to go back and alter it. Why my brain is trying to conjure up Anton topless, I do not know, but I will be acquainting it with bleach the moment I finish this recap.  Scores: 6, 6, 6, 6 for a total of 24.  Fern pervs over Artem some more and Richard covers the poor boy's dignity with a 'Fern, please!'  Bless him.

Next up, Michael and 'his partners' Natalie.  I know Natalie is all kinds of awesome, Bruce, but I think there's still only one of her.  Last week, Michael was good and apparently this is some sort of excuse for the soundtrack to give me some Take That (later period).  There is never any excuse (except when Steve is on recap and 'The Flood' plays because I have a sadistic sense of humour like that). [You're mean. - Steve] To remind us that Michael is a cricketer, the profession so beloved of male winners, he and Natalie have a dance around at Lords.

Their foxtrot (ANOTHER ONE?) is to '(I Get the) Sweetest Feeling' and they're both in yellow with yellow lighting, which is automatic 10 for me, as it's my favourite colour, but I digress.  There's some random nonsense with Candy Floss, which is entirely pointless, and then they're into the dance.  Their backdrop is carousel horses to attempt some semblance of a fairground theme, but it's not exactly necessary.  The dance itself is sweet and mostly controlled, if not quite the triumph of their quickstep.  There's a bad bit where Michael gurns but overall it's a pretty decent attempt.

Bruno says Natalie needs to keep up their ballroom potential in the Latin (oh God, Michael's Latin...).  Craog says they're good but need style, swing and sway.  Darcey tells him he's wonderful at ballroom but needs to watch his neck.  Len declares it the best foxtrot of the night.  I concur, but it hardly had much competition, let's face it.

Up on the Tess Circle, Michael says his confidence picked up after last week and Natalie says, in a terrified voice, that they have salsa next week.  Scores: 7, 8. 8, 8 for a total of 31, which Natalie is ecstatic with, as she should be, being probably the best ballroom choreographer - at least when it comes to choreographing the celebs - on the show right now.

Dani and Vincent next and the opportunity for more AntonLOLS as they recall him being their monster last week.  They say that the feel of their song is 50s so why they're dancing to the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse (Olly Murs) is anyone's guess.  Vincent ribs that Dani was born 'five minutes ago, in the 80s', which makes little sense and makes me wonder how old Vincent really is.  His profile claims he was born in 1979, so only a few months before the 80s.  And I was born in the 80s (albeit only a few weeks into them) and I'm 32 - older than at least five of the celebrities (and even more of the pros) this year.  By X Factor terms, I'd have been OLD in all but series one, so it's not like the 80s were especially five minutes ago... Anyway, what he actually means is she was born in 1989, which makes her 23, which is pretty young, but older than I actually thought she was, and certainly not as young as SIXTEEN.

Anyway, their comedy VT has a Happy Days theme which is actually worse than it sounds as other than a sub-Fonze character, they're both playing characters that resemble nothing like the actual Happy Days characters.  It's excruciating and none of it explains Dani's pink hair.

The song is lyric-changed to say 'My name is Vinny' instead of Olly, and the lighting says 'Rock & Roll' like Olly Murs has ever been either.  As for the dance, there are some awkward arms at the start but generally it's pacy and fun and suits Dani rather well.  There are a couple of stilted bits when Danni goes through Vincent's legs but the kicks and flicks are all rather good.

Craig says Danni didn't close her legs when she went through Vincent's legs and he saw so much vagina he almost turned straight - or that was the gist of it, anyway, and certainly what the audience took it to mean.  Darcey loved it but tells her to watch her turns.  Len declares it 'crisp as a Pringle', but given that Pringles are not technically crisps, this could be a burn disguised as a compliment.  Bruno goes incomprehensible and stands up and then says she hit every beat.

On the Tess Circle, Tess points out Vincent's wig and he shows off that his jacket has 'Vinny' on it.  He's so not a Vinny.  Scores: 8, 8. 9, 8 for a total of 33 and their highest score of the series so far.

To the leaderboard!

1st Denise and James (35)
2nd Kimberley and Pasha (33)
2nd Dani and Vincent (33)
4th Michael and Natalie (31)
5th Louis and Flavia (29)
6th Lisa and Robin (27)
6th Colin and Kristina (27)
8th Nicky and Karen (25)
9th Fern and Artem (24)
10th Victoria and Brendan (23)
11th Richard and Erin (17)

There's some rum scoring going on, right there, not mentioning any names *cough* Nicky and Karen, Victoria and Brendan *cough*.

Tess implores us to vote as Richard, Erin and Natalie have a big old hug, and it cheers my heart that those three might be friends (they'd certainly be my choice of people to go out drinking with at any rate), and Nicky tries to elbow James and make him laugh, whilst James looks faintly pissed off.  Tomorrow!  One couple will be leaving and Andrea Bocelli and The Wanted will be performing.  *Strokes fast forward button*.  Oh, and Bruce is having next week off, apparently.  Lazy sod.