This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Louis has been telling people that Kimberley's got nits. Worrabitch.
- Lisa is still convinced she's the people's champion. And, to be fair, it's not like the Beeb ever releases the voting results, so for all we know, she might be.
- She did at least know that she couldn't beat anyone else in the dance-off.
- Zoe called Len 'Sir' Len Goodman.  Don't give him ideas, Zoe, he'll be even worse than Bruce was!
- Robin wants Denise to win, because she's NOT A TRAINED DANCER DAMMIT. Lisa's backing Denise or Dani.
- James thinks all five couples should've gone into the final. This is why we don't let James decide things.
- Denise thinks James is the problem in the partnership, so if she does the Charleston on her own, she might get a 10 from Craig.
- The foxtrot came to prominence at the same time as similarly named dances including the turkey-trot and the grizzly bear. With any luck those will be added to the rotation for series 11.
- There is more variety in the foxtrot than in any other dance, yet somehow it is still SO BORING.
- Karen Hardy's mother is a really good dancer, not that she likes to go on and on about it or anything.
- Robin doesn't leave the house without Instant Tan, and Lisa from Deuce the head make-up artist totally hates him for it.
- The brief clip of 'Dressed for Success' we heard was the best bit of any of Julien Macdonald's segments all year.  I'd say there should be more dances done to Roxette songs, but then, the Strictly singers...
- More than a quarter of a million crystals have been used on the Strictly costumes this series.
- White, yellow and blue are the colours for next summer.  Zoe isn't keen.
- Dani's godawful pink/yellow dress disahster is her favourite outfit of the series.  No accounting for taste.
- Weightlifter Zoe Smith is so down to earth that she takes the bus. Unfortunately, on her way to It Takes Two, she missed the bus in question so she was late.
- Vincent wanted to do the Argentine tango before the semifinals so they would've had more time to rehearse.
- Vincent calls their jive a 'very alcoholic dance'.  Or at least that's what it sounds like, and given the hairpiece, looks like.
- Karen Hauer lives in a tiny apartment at the top of a lot of stairs with her boyfriend Kevin.  If she loses Kevin, this would qualify her to win next year's X Factor.
- Dani is in panto in York. (Not Woking, and presumably not with The Fonz.)
- Denise is quite camp.
- Kimberley is using 'Crazy In Love' for her showdance music. Clearly this show is now 100% over Alesha. 
- Nicola Roberts has "discussed" some of Kimberley's music choices with her.
- Louis is reprising his Dirty Dancing salsa for the final, just to ensure that the ovary vote is insurmountable.
- Ian Waite put a bet on someone to win, but they went out. I bet it was Fern Britton.
- Dani is going to do her tango ten times better than she did it the first time. Presumably this means she's going to get 340 points for it. Possibly all from Bruno.
- Chris Hollins likes to watch a charleston, "because it's the only dance I can do". Hey, he said it, not us.
- Chris Hollins wants Denise to win, St Jill wants Louis or Dani to win, Ramps wants Louis or Denise. LOOK OUT KIMBERLEY, HERE COMES THE BUS AND IT'S BEING DRIVEN BY THREE PAST WINNERS!
- If Len needs three female pros to act as secret dancing agents, he calls on Kristina, Erin and Natalie.  As ever, Kristina gets men who look like they'll be better than they are, Natalie gets SPORTSMEN and Erin is stuck with some old duffers.
- Costume lady Vicky does love to have Dani's dresses on the dummy whenever Zoe comes to visit.
- Denise dislocated a rib this week rehearsing her showdance, but luckily Kimberley was there to look after her. James? Not so much.
- Denise and James are doing a greatest hits-style showdance to 'Flashdance (What A Feeling)'. Because that worked so well for Rachel Stevens.
- Louis was more nervous for the Olympics than he is for the Strictly final, because he trained for 19 years for the Olympics. Which is fair enough, when you think about it.
- Flavia's put more salsa into her salsa for the final. Again, fair enough.
- Dasher the meerkat thinks Louis and Flavia will win. Clearly voting with his/her hormones.
- Len thinks this will be the best final ever because anyone can win. Except Denise, obviously.
- Len will be doing a programme about the history of ballroom with Erin on BBC4 on 27th December.
- Both of the dances Kimberley's reprising in the final got 34 first time around. We suppose the odds were heavily in favour of that, weren't they? Still, Pasha is very confident that she can score "34 or better" this time.
- Kimberley's brother is quite fit.
- The thing Michael will miss most about the Strictly experience is Jerry's hot tub parties.
- The Strictly shimmy never really caught on.

The strife of Riley

Semi-final results: 16 December 2012

Last night!  More tens than are surely legal, including another 40 for Kimberley and Pasha for yet another overmarked Charleston!  Louis smashing the set and Lisa lying down for parts of their dances and both still achieving 31!  Next week!  Four places in the final are at stake, which means we have pretty much 0 chance of seeing any couple perform all the dances.  Er, hurray?!

We open with a snowy pro-dance: an American Smooth style performance to 'What the World Needs Now is Love', featuring Erin and Anton, Natalie and Brendan, and, in the latest round of partner-swapping, Ola and Artem.  I like all this partner switcherooing that’s been happening this series.  If I were Monkseal, I’d be hosting a ‘which partner-swap did you like best’ poll, so there’s a hint if you’re reading Chris…

Anyway, it’s all very snowy and swirly and lovely and Christmassy which is about as good as it gets with pro dances this series, and Natalie keeps lifting her skirt up so you can see her bum.  Flirt.

Tess and Claudia enter, Claudia tugging at the hem of her dress like she needs a wee throughout and gallopping on.  No idea what that's about.  They do a booty bump.  Daly dresswatch: an odd concoctiona - the top and bottom are quite nice, but there's a hideous mid-section that sticks out and makes the whole thing unflattering.  Claudia is wearing a golden/beigey style lacy thing which is alright, but I can't picture it without her holding it in the needing a wee pose.  They tell us Katherine Jenkins is the star guest and will be both singing and dancing, though not together.  What a treat!

Recap of last night, including a lingering shot of Louis nearly knocking the set off and laughing his head off, Robin abandoning Lisa in her time of need and everyone wanting to get into the final.  Why have they never told us this before?

Results time, and the first couple safe are Kimberley and Pasha, whilst the first couple in the bottom two are Lisa and Robin, which means the point of the dance-off tonight will only be to see if Louis is less popular than Denise or Dani, which seems… unlikely, so there’s probably not much we can judge from whichever of the two ends up there in terms of prospects for the final. Craig tells Lisa to 'sell sell sell' his new show.  I mean the dance.

Katherine Jenkins is up next, performing an insipid 'Santa Baby'.  Given Kylie did a cover of this not that long ago, it's not like the Now! albums need a new version, so I think she picked the wrong choice.  She looks entirely uncomfortable doing it too.  Robin and Kristina dance about to it, and Kristina does her Kristina thing for all its worth. [The sheer outpouring of bile on Twitter towards her throughout this performance was hilarious. - Steve]

Thankfully, tonight is the last time we'll see Len's Lens.  Hurrah!   Craig mocks the other judges for showboating when they give a ten and Vincent's caught saying 'please let us be in the final' into his mic.  Bruce has a dip in the pretend fountain and that's it because unfortunately it's a 'best of' montage.  There is no best of Len's Lens, Claudia! And the bits we see aren't even really from Len's Lens for the most part, except Len doing 'Witch Doctor', which I didn't need to relive.

More results!  Safe are: Louis and Flavia, to no-one’s surprise whatsoever.  Of the two remaining couples, Denise and James look resigned and Dani and Vincent look scared – but it’s Denise and James who are back in the dance-off.  Vincent goes ‘we’re through!’ and sinks to his knees, leaving poor Dani just standing there.  Way to be supportive of your celebrity partner, Vincent.  Len tells Denise to repeat what she did before because she's through anyway.

In Claudia’s Counselling Circle with the safe couples, she asks Vincent and Dani how they’re feeling about Showdance.  Vincent declares they’ll do ten dances.  Dani says three is enough and Vincent modifies it to nine.

More Katherine Jenkins now, doing her jive from Dancing With the Stars with Mark Ballas.  It’s very fast, Louis and Flavia, take note, but I’m not sure it’s strictly a jive, given all the salsambcha/rock'n'roll/Tina Turner type moves they’re throwing in.  It was good, but no Blessed Jive of St Jill, PBUI, obviously.  Also it was a bit pointless.

We then get told a bit about how the final will work, and it is not good.  They all have to dance three dances, which is fine.  They have to do a judges’ pick, which I thought would be one of the three they haven't done yet, but no, it's a choice from their previous dances.  Bullshit.  Then they have to do SHOWDANCE and the finalists’ favourite dance.  You got that right: NONE of them will be doing any of the THREE dances they haven’t (properly) done before, and Flavia won’t even have done the Argentine Tango.  This makes me even more angry at the fusion week bullshit. ROBBING BBC, I demand my licence fee back etc etc.  (Also: Lisa gets to say much less in the VT than the others.  LOLS).

The bottom two couples are with Claudia, who says they have to do their best scoring dance of the two, which makes sense.  Lisa basically gives her farewell speech about how much she’s enjoyed being on the show.  Denise says she’s disappointed and does seem rather defeated, but says someone has to be in the bottom two.

Lisa and Robin come out and do their Chicago routine presenting as an American Smooth again.  I’m struck by how many of the moves in this revised version are similar to those in their salsa,  and their cha cha, and all their other dances - not that Robin’s a bad choreographer or anything. [Eh, I think he's a pretty poor choreographer, and I've thought that ever since he joined the show. - Steve] [He's the worst, except Karen, maybe, and Anton's latin.  Hence the sarcasm ;) - Rad]  Actually, this may not entirely be his fault, as I don't remember all of these moves being in it last time when it was mostly just a JAZZ HANDS explosion.  As Lisa/Robin dances go, it’s entertaining and a bit more in sync.  At least they're leaving somewhat respectably.

Denise and James’ tango is as fast and fierce as the first time – one of my favourite routines of the series, although about 75% of my favourite dances this series have either been Denise/James or Kimberley/Pasha so it’s unsurprising that I like it. 

Voting time.  Craig says ‘purely based on technique’ it’s Denise and James, Darcey lies that it’s hard and saves Denise and James for the same reason.  Bruno says both couples did very well and gave great dancing and entertainment but Denise and James did the best dance.

Lisa then goes into meltdown about how much she loves Robin and starts clinging to him and crying while Robin thanks her for being amazing and INSPIRATIONAL and she cries some more.  We watch their VT: Lisa crying about not being (entirely) rubbish because of her size, lots of sequins and bad eyeshadow, their week one triumph, several less good dances.  Lisa is still crying and Tess asks if she can do one more dance.  Lisa and Robin hug and she cries some more.  She really did think she would make the final, didn’t she?  Despite OVARY VOTE and the three RINGERS.  Claudia then cries and Tess thanks her for presenting because poor Claudia doesn’t get to be in the final.  BOO!  Couldn’t we have three presenters to save Bruce’s energy or something?  We welcome back the four finalists and Lisa and Robin dance out to ‘Waiting for a star to fall’.  I’ve already heard Christopher Maloney murder it this year, I didn’t need the Strictly singers to do the same.  Lisa lifts Robin, then they dance a bit and then they’re gone.

Next week: Louis’ showdance and presumably eventual victory, with the other three fighting for the small margins of votes dividing second, third and fourth place.  Join Steve then!

Semi fly-nal

Semi-final: 15 December 2012

Welcome back!  Last week Dance FUSION happened, and Nicky, Karen and Nicky’s manhood attempted to fuse the impossible (samba and American Smooth), failing along the way to dance either, and ended up being run over repeatedly by a bus. Kimberley and Pasha, meanwhile, earned the first 40 of the series with their epic tango/cha cha cha collaboration – helped, no doubt, by the fact that they’d done both of those dances before – but you will be hearing more of that particular bugbear of mine later.

Our terrible opening VT of the week involves them all dressed as SPORTSMEN and playing hilarious pranks on each other to get to the final – including Lisa making Denise fall over.  I know malfunctions are becoming Denise’s stick in trade, but after what happens tonight: LOL schadenfreude.  It turns out Harry Judd the janitor did it and he would have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids is keeping hold of it for another week.  The VT gives us another chance to remember how cheap and ugly the glitterball trophy really is.  I like that, if anything, the standard of BBC prize giving has only gone down since the days of the Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.  Tough economic times. [Also, I really hope this is all just a joke and each winner gets their own glitterball trophy to keep, because otherwise the thought of Alesha having to hand hers over to Chinno Chambers makes me feel physically ill. - Steve]

Bruce and Tess enter.  Tess stands about fifty feet back from him to do the fist-bumps then reluctantly lets him grab her leg – it’s telling that she looks to have about six layers of fabric on her super long skirt this week.  She grimaces openly.  Daly dresswatch: pretty good for a change, long black ball-gown style, sleeveless, with a slightly odd point above the bust.  Horrible earrings though.

Bruce reminds us that Yum Yum Pig’s Bum happened.  I don’t want this to be a thing.  Please don’t let this be a thing.  We see that Cheryl Cole and Nicola Roberts are in the audience, but with another person sitting between them.  Cue the Digital Spy conspiracies! [Chris and I were speculating on this - we assumed she was Nicola's sister? There seemed to be a bit of a resemblance. - Steve]

Bruce and Tess inform us that the final is next week and the couples have to dance two dances each tonight – is it me, or is the semi-final rather late to be introducing two dances?  It means that every couple in the final will be 2.5-3 dances down on a full set, and I can’t see them making that up, even if they do all new dances in the final, given that SHOWDANCE still has to happen and there are four couples in the final.  I am blaming stupid dance fusion for this – if they must do it, then they could at least force all the couples to fuse two new dances.  Lisa and Kimberley had danced both of theirs previously, and the others had all done one apiece, meaning Nicky was the only one who did it PROPERLY.  Or would have done, had his fusion looked anything like either of the two dances it was meant to be.

For those that haven’t managed to keep up, the missing dances (after tonight’s show) are as follows: Lisa and Robin – Argentine Tango, Waltz, Paso Doble; Denise and James – Samba, Argentine Tango, Quickstep proper; Kimberley and Pasha – Rumba, Waltz, Argentine Tango; Louis and Flavia – Argentine Tango, Quickstep, Rumba proper; Dani and Vincent – Rumba, Paso Doble, Charleston proper.  Looks like we’re headed for a final full of Argentine Tangos, rumbas and pasos then.  I can’t believe that we have two couples who haven’t even done a bog-standard waltz at this stage of the competition.  I also can’t get Lisa Riley’s paso face out of my head and it hasn’t even happened yet. Please, please let it not happen.

Our couples enter, with only Lisa and Robin putting much effort into bopping along to the song even if they do overreach it.  Bruce reminds us that there are only nine shopping days til Christmas and Pasha looks visibly shocked.  Someone will be rushing to the shops inbetween the performance and results shows then.  Bruce then makes some weird comment about buying all the celebrities chocolate and them owing him money for it and then gets mildly threatening towards Tess… it’s all very strange and sinister – perhaps the punchline originally was going to be about Tess waking up with a horse’s head in her bed (before those mean old PC BBC compliance Nazis made him change it), given that we’re trotting out (ho ho) more tired references to Dani being a ‘dark horse’ and Vincent being a ‘little pony.’  I can’t work out which Dani/Vincent reference I’m more sick of – the dark horse thing (she’s basically always second or third, which is way more consistent than, say, Denise, Louis and Kimberley FFS) or the midgetLOLs.

Last week they got their first 10s, more because it was the time in the series they were due them rather than for any reasons of merit.  Dani’s sister and dad come to see her at training in the VT.  Her sister couldn’t be any more unimpressed.  Heh.

Their American Smooth (a dance we will be seeing a LOT of tonight) is to ‘Just Haven’t Met You Yet’ because this show hasn’t given Mickey Bubbles enough royalties yet.  Dani’s dress is really nasty, in the worst shade of pink, encrusted with the worst shade of yellow – and when pink and yellow are done well as a combo, I am their biggest fan, but they need to be super-bright with yellow dominant – and the ruffles are just nasty too.  Sorry costume lady Vicky, you seem really nice but we can’t win them all.  Dani’s hair doesn’t really suit the dance, either, just scraped back into a bog-standard ponytail. [I'm glad you mentioned that, because Dani's hair has been bugging me lately. It always looks fine in training but they style it horribly when she dances. - Steve] The dance itself has some nice parts, and the lifts are quite pretty if a bit samey, but there’s a bit where it gets very stumbly and they don’t mask it very well.

Bruce makes a GAYLOLZ joke about Craig being the Wicked Queen in panto which would have worked if he hadn’t then rambled on about nothing afterwards, but then – Bruce. 

Len liked the lifts and fluidity although thought it could have been cleaner in places.  Bruno liked the GINGER ROGERS parts and is surprised because Dani is YOUNG and couldn’t possibly have heard of Ginger Rogers or seen any of her films on TV or DVD or watched routines on YouTube or anything.  Craig liked some of the heel turns and the grapevines, but thought the hand positions and shaping needed work and it wasn’t as dynamic as it could have been.  Bruce says ‘he liked it, he liked it’.  He will do this after everything Craig says tonight as if the contestants can’t understand the concept of constructive feedback.  Darcey says it was beautiful but a bit safe.

Up on the Tess Circle, Tess reminds Dani that Vincent is the king of Argentine Tango, so their next dance better be good.  Judges’ scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 for a total of 34.  Natalie Lowe is in the Tess Circle.  Miss you Natalie!

Louis and Flavia are up next and the mums in the audience go wild.  Is it an age thing? I mean, I have ovaries, and Louis is good and everything (although I think Denise and Kimberley and possibly Dani are better with their RINGER TRAINING and everything), but he’s far too much like an annoying teenager to be hot. [I'd fancy him if he didn't have that silly haircut or the backtat. I could possibly deal with them in isolation, but both together is officially a dealbreaker. - Steve] Bruce makes some jokes about da yoot using slang from the 90s and early 2000s which means the audience know what he’s on about but actual young people are probably sitting there aghast.  Or they would be if they weren’t all sitting in an underpass drinking cheap cider while this was on.

Louis says he’s very grateful for all his standing ovations and thanks all his fans but Craig keeps going on about his thumb.  His special guest is Aston from JLS, wearing a huge hat, presumably to cover up that hideous lopsided thing he’s doing with his hair at the moment.  Louis calls him Craig Revel Horwood.  Is that because there’s always one in every boyband? 

Louis and Flavia are dressed as an American jock and cheerleader for their jive and he’s carrying a baseball.  You know, sometimes the omens are bad even before a note has been played or a step has been danced.  There’s a lot of dicking about with a basketball.  They’re jiving to ‘Why do Fools Fall in Love’ which seems somewhat slow for a jive.  The dance is a hot fried mess worthy of Nicky or Michael (RIP) – his arms are floppy and all over the place, which works in the Charleston, but not in this, his kicks are minimal and the whole thing is languid and ‘I can’t be bothered’ – the slow music doesn’t help matters, either.  They then end leaning against their cardboard prop lockers and the whole set nearly collapses.  It gets a standing ovation anyway because he’s a man and an Olympian.  Bruce remembers his youth and dancing with ‘Patricia’ – is that an ex-wife?  Wilnelia will be so pleased.

Bruce comments about women fancying Louis and lies that his performance has improved.  He says his kicks and flicks were not as clean and sharp as they could have been.  Which is far kinder than I would have been.  Craig says his jbs were too laid back and it looked a bit lazy and laboured and something seemed to go wrong.  Louis knows this and does the ‘it went perfectly fine’ joke.  Darcey says it was fun and his performance is good but because he’s supple his kicks don’t have any strength.  Given he’s a gymnast you would have thought precision shouldn’t be an issue for him, but maybe I am just unfamiliar with the ways of the SPORTSMAN.  Speaking of SPORTSMEN, even Len doesn’t like it much.  He says Flavia put in too many two-beat jives and the quality of dancing wasn’t very good. Bruce reminds us that the audience loved it.  Oh, Bruce.  Louis could have a nice sitdown like Christopher Parker (or whichever of those anonymous young brunette blokes it was) [I think you mean Matt Di Angelo - Steve] and they’d still whoop like demented fools.

Up on the Tess Circle, we’re reminded that Louis is the only NON RINGER because he doesn’t have performance training like the women, like gymnastics doesn’t have a performance element.  Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31, and several marks higher than it would have been scored were this not the semi-final, but then I sense we could say the same about many of the dances tonight - and, indeed, that a couple of earlier-in-the-series dances were undermarked.  Put it this way, Denise and James’ excellent jive from a few weeks ago only scored a mark higher than that thing just did. [He's lucky this is the semis, because that dance deserved a sub-30 score. It was ATROCIOUS. - Steve]

Speaking of Denise and James, they were in the dance-off last week, did you know?  I would never have guessed.  Denise’s little girl, Betsy, came to rehearsals and then does the cutest ever ‘Keep Dancing’ into the camera.  Entirely shameless, but d’aww nonetheless.

Their tango is to ‘Roxanne’ (how original – for the fourth time).  It’s faster than that jive we just saw, and sharp, intense and dramatic, even if Denise’s tango face is on the wrong side of ‘serial killer’ and James looks a bit constipated.  There’s a very nice floor spin at the end and no wardrobe malfunctions in sight.  Bruce tells them to remember their standing ovation forever, which is what he tells every couple when they get one – poor Louis is never going to remember all of this. [This was one of my top dances of the night - her face was ridiculous, but if you can get past that, it was a great tango. - Steve]

Craig says it got off to a dramatic start with their floor spin and didn’t stop there, there was a little bit of gapping (Bruno keeps shouting ‘rubbish’) but she is a fantastic dancer.  Darcey says she has extraordinary attack and it was clean and beautiful but she needs to kick less high.  Wasn’t that her problem last week?  Len snarks that he hates it when judges have trivial objections to things, like he never does.  He thought it started a bit too much like a paso doble but once it got into hold it was a proper tango.  Bruno babbles  about nothing in particular but finally says it was fantastic, especially with the links.

Up to the Tess Circle they bound and we’re reminded that Denise and James can have BANTER between them.  Scores: 9 (which gets boos), 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39 and their joint highest score.  There are loads of boos – it’s unclear if these are for James and Denise, but Tess clarifies they’re for Craig giving it a 9.

Next up are Kimberley and Pasha, and fortunately, Bruce has remembered to use Pasha’s proper name this week.  Last week they got a 40.  Kimberley is very happy about this and would like to be in the final please.  She gets several up on the other three by bringing loads of family and friends into the studio including her sister who looks loads like her and a couple of cute children.

Their American Smooth is to ‘Fever’ and starts with a pose that looks like Pasha is giving Kimberley elevated cunnilingus, which is an improvement on the Denise/James end-pose to that salsa the other week.  The dance is very smooth, almost a bit too Latin to be an American Smooth, but the lifts appear effortless despite being complicated in places and it’s very sexy, smooth and tight overall.  Bruce implores them to look at their standing ovation.

Darcey loved it and says Kimberley is like a true film star.  She loved the turns into the different moves and says they were very difficult.  Len pervs that he got hot under the collar but says he would have liked more of it to be in ballroom hold and says she’s like Jessica Rabbit (well, she is in a red dress).  Darcey says more Cyd Charisse.  Len gets the hump.  Bruno says it’s Rita Hayworth and uses all the fever, epidemic, quarantine babble he can manage.  Craig says he’d put the routine in one of his shows.  Now starring Lisa Riley!  But more on that one in a bit.

Tess reminds us that Nicola and Cheryl are in the audience.  Cheryl looks like she couldn’t give less of a fuck about this.  Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and Darcey and Bruno doing that annoying high-five thing they’ve taken to lately.  Tess tells us that the pros are shouting that it’s undermarked.  She tells Anton that there are no 12s.  Even if there were, Anton, I think you’d still struggle to get a 10.

Lisa and Robin are next.  Lisa points out that she made a mistake last week but was excited not to be in the dance-off and she’s scarily desperate to get to the final.  Their VT shows them crashing into each other a lot.  Lisa’s special guests are her brother and nephew and she’s the first one to actually cry at her visitors in case you’re keeping emotional manipulation scores.

Their salsa is to ‘Best Years Of Our Lives' and they start by doing bongos on the judges’ heads.  Lisa’s initial shimmies are a bit more invested than Robin’s, even if her leg work is still very clod-hoppy.  They both do big party face, although the underarm twists are quite clunky, and then they attempt a floor spin, but what ends up happening is more that Robin drops her on the floor, then walks away, then she’s stuck and can’t get up, and he has to hoik her up, and then they stop, and when they get back into it they’re out of time and then it’s really awkward, but there’s a really good bit where Robin launches himself full throttle at Lisa’s boobs (such a typical gay man) and somersaults into a lift and then the pace is finally back and then they end.

Len says there were bits falling off all over but she’s still a good party girl.  I’m not sure being described as a ‘party’ kind of person is ever a compliment, is it?  Bruno is laughing about the crash landing and says he was going to explode, but ‘nobody cares because everybody loved it’ and says a technical assessment of it is pointless.  Thanks, Bruno.  Craig is laughing so much he can’t speak.  Darcey compliments her energy and partying.  Bruce calls her ‘the original good time girl’.  So now she’s both old and she’s a bit of a slapper?  Nice compliment, eh, Bruce?

Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad she makes people smile.  Flavia is already bitch-facing about their compliments.  Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31, which is hilarious, but what would be even more hilarious is if I could see Flavia’s face at that result – not that it was much more overmarked than her and Louis’ jive though.  Brendan and Natalie are giving it some great ‘WTF’ in the background.  Anton just stands there dreaming of the day he can get 31 for a salsa.

Half-time leaderboard:

Denise and James 39
Kimberley and Pasha 38

Dani and Vincent 34

Louis and Flavia / Lisa and Robin 31

I wouldn’t say the scores tonight might indicate a likely reversal of the voting scores in an attempt to get Lisa into the dance-off and Kimberley and Denise into the final, because I’m not a conspiracy theorist.  But if I were… [This is the interesting thing - I agree that that's exactly what it looks like, but I also think it's an entirely fair ranking of the first set of dances, except I'd maybe rank Kimberley's American Smooth over Denise's tango. But everyone else is more or less where they deserve to be. - Steve]

Before each couple’s second dance, we get a VT of their journey so far with the judges commenting on them in ways that will become increasingly hilarious and ridiculous.  Dani and Vincent are first and the judges remind us that they are small.  Len says in some ways that’s a disadvantage because dancing is difficult for small people, but in some ways it isn’t, because, as Len has taugh us many times before, dancing is difficult for tall people. Craig lies that he didn’t notice her until her jive (two marks higher than that thing Louis did tonight).  Bruno says he loves that their Viennese waltz was set in Venice.   Last I checked, Bruno, Venice and Vienna were two entirely different places.  In different countries.  Also: thanks for making me feel sick again by reminding me of the godawful staging, music and costumes that dance had.  Len says the slower dances are the places where she loses some musicality and fluidity.  Craig wants to see something new from her.  Len says he’s given Dani more 9s than any other couple.  Because now she’s not part of a couple herself.  And I presume he just means ‘this series’ although I haven’t the energy to trawl through the past nine series to do the maths, sorry.  He says the Argentine Tango might suit her because she’s an actress and it’s the one dance you have to act.  What, not the rumba, which we often get?  Or the Charleston, site of the Louis acting breakthrough?

The dance starts by them doing a sequence in silence and I can’t tell if this is deliberate or if the sound went wrong, but it just seems very odd, because when the music does come in, it’s not at a point in the dance where the music’s arrival makes a huge dramatic impact.  I presume it was deliberate, but it did look like a mistake.  The rest of it is a bit Vincent-by-numbers – it’s perfectly good but there’s something a bit flat about it that I can’t put my finger on – maybe it’s that Dani seems a little nervous, or that there’s nothing surprising about it.  Plus their legs seemed to get caught on each other’s at one point. [I'm feeling like that in general about Dani, to be honest. She's good, but she just doesn't move me at all. - Steve]

Len loved the start without music and thinks Dani mastered the mood and technique.  Bruno calls her a prostitute (well, a lady of the night), which Dani treats with the disdainful ‘yay’ you might expect.  Craig says Vincent has taught her very well and, save a bump lift, it was spectactular.  Bruce says we all know Vincent is the king of the Tango but he doesn’t know what that makes Dani.  Er, OK.  Darcey says she would have liked a straighter, crisper leg but it was marvellous otherwise.

Up to the Tess Circle they run where Tess reminds us that it’s Vincent’s dance and Dani says he probably felt more pressure than she did.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38.  Bruce moans that they didn’t get four tens.  Sod off Bruce.

Louis and Flavia are back up next and Bruce says Louis is bringing out a saucy calendar, despite that VT of a few weeks ago saying he didn’t believe he was a sex object.  I can’t believe the VT lied to me!  The recap of their journey reminds us of Darceylust, the ‘acting’ Charleston, and Patrick Swayze imitations.  Craig points out that he doesn’t have enough commitment to the dahnce.  His dismissive tweeting is not mentioned, but, perhaps, implied.

Louis VTs in bored voice that he doesn’t have time to sit back and relax and it would be a perfect end if he got Flavia into the final.  He couldn’t be any less invested.

Their foxtrot is to ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’, and the singer cannot handle it at all.  It’s the most painful vocal for a good few weeks.  His ‘acting journey’ has taken him all the way back to the same ‘I can smell poo but I’m pretending I can’t’ face he had for the first eight weeks of the series.  Such progress!  The dance itself is mostly nice apart from a bit where Flavia is waiting for him to catch up with her.  Bruce does a good ‘that song sounds like Baa Baa Black Sheep’ gag.

Craig thought the thumb was up but he loved it.  Bruce thought it had lovely rise and fall.  Thanks Bruce!  Darcey thought it was seamless and graceful.  Len thought the rise and fall was a bit ‘bobbing up and down’ but he’s a TRUE SPORTSMAN so that’s all that counts, phwoar, amirite, harder for blokes etc.  Bruno says it was smooth, elegant and graceful and he’s back on top where he belongs.  If by ‘on top’ you mean fourth on the judges’ leaderboard, then yes.

Up on the Tess Circle and Louis says he was nervous.  Flavia says he left it late to be – his casual attitude has REALLY grated on her, hasn’t it? I can’t wait for the bitching interviews in the papers if they don’t win.  Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and their joint highest score of the series, which both Louis and Flavia are surprised about.  Tess reminds us that Flavia has promised us a showdance where Louis won’t be wearing any clothes because let it never be said that Flavia doesn’t know exactly who Louis’ fan base is.


Bruce says Denise has been both at the top and in the dance-off, so her highs couldn’t be higher, and her lows couldn’t be lower.  Well, a 40 might have made her highs higher and being bottom of the judges’ leaderboard might have made the lows lower, but anyway.  The judges all have a go at Craig for not giving their Charleston a 10 and Craig says it didn’t explode enough, whatever that means.  Len says that whoever wins has to beat Denise.  Yes, and Kimberley and Dani (or Louis, LOL) – given that Denise hasn’t topped the leaderboard for a while and is clearly not doing so well in the public vote, it doesn’t seem like a tall order to me.  Darcey then says she has one weakness, her hips, ‘in the samba and the salsa’.  Denise hasn’t even done the samba.  This bloody show.  We see an illustration of this with Denise’s cha cha and salsa.  Now, I’m not saying Denise’s samba would be any better than either of these, because I don’t think fast Latin is her thing (jive excepted, but then that’s only notionally Latin anyway), but if you’re going to judge how well someone does something, at least let them actually do that thing.  I guess I should just take this to read that Darcey is a dance racist and thinks all the Latin dances look the same. 

Also, I would have thought Denise’s two main handicaps were: James Jordan and BEING THE RINGIEST RINGER of the remaining ringers.  Alongside her tendency for wardrobe malfunctions.  But anyway, she’d like to be in the final, surprisingly.

They’re dancing the rumba to ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’, so beloved of Simon Cowell.  By the way, if you’ve thought this series has had a paucity of rumbas, you’d be right.  This is only the fourth (or four-and-a-halfth if you count Louis’ fusion). I was really looking forward to this as their training VTs on ITT looked excellent, but it’s a little stoppy-starty in places, and not fluid enough – which seems to be a choreography rather than performance issue.  Moments of it are lovely, but unfortunately, these coincide with the singer’s most waily moments, which distract somewhat.  The ending requires Denise to pull overwrought emo face like a teenager.  All in all, a bit of a missed opportunity.  This seems to be largely James’ fault, even though I usually find his choreography much more palatable than that of Robin or Karen. [I thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS. Completely unnecessarily over-the-top. That's the most I've laughed at any dance this year that wasn't performed by Lisa. - Steve]

Darcey loves Denise’s arms and the reach and movement she has with them and says it was more of a romance than a passionate love story, with some of the movements too broken up, but it felt beautiful.  Len reminds us that someone is going home but that the final wouldn’t be right if they weren’t there.  Bruno was deeply moved by the rumba and says it was beautiful with lovely lines and transitions and that she was on it 100%.  Craig says she has fantastic storytelling, balance and finishing but wanted to lift her dress up to see the hip action.  James responds with ‘I thought you’d be looking at my hip action’.  GAYLOLZ.

Up on the Tess Circle, Tess says Denise really sold it with her acting skills.  It was TOTES EMOSH – so emotional, in fact, that James almost cries, saying it was his favourite ever dance on Strictly.  A bit late now for the ovary vote, James, but never mind.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38. 

Kimberley and Pasha next and Bruce is mildly shocked at their wasting of the precious BBC budget on having an ACTUAL PLANE in the studio.  Len says ‘Nimble Kimble’ has been a revelation to him, and not at all one of the celebrities predicted to be good even before this thing started.  He likes her flaunting herself at him.  Bruno and now you.  Craig acts like a stereotypical gay by being impressed that she’s a Girl Aloud.  He moans about her core, even though improving her core was what I thought she’d done on her Strictly Journey.  We cut straight into her doing a pratfall in training for the Charleston.  Heh.  She says everyone left is amazing.  Except Lisa.  But she doesn’t say that.

Their actual plane isn’t life size and looks like it was probably borrowed from… I dunno, some kiddie museum or something?  It’s probably not going to eat up all the money the BBC saved by producing a shitty trophy, put it that way.  Their Charleston is to ‘Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines’ in which Pasha takes the role of a pilot and Kimberley his passenger.  Or something.  The footwork is very good for the most part but they completely stumble over one of the lifts and there’s another part where they’re a fraction out of time with one another, but that seems to be a Charleston thing that happens fairly often.  Kimberley’s gurn face isn’t bad, although the aeroplane gestures are a bit much, even for a Charleston.  It’s a lot of fun and really watchable, with some nice cartwheels and lifts, and I really like it, but I don’t think it’s the best Charleston of the series, lying somewhere just above Louis but behind Denise and Nicky for me - and it certainly isn’t the best dance of the night – I’d say their American Smooth and Denise’s tango were both better, and possibly also Louis’ foxtrot and Dani’s American Smooth for that matter.

What do I know, though?  Len loves it, Bruno thought it was fun, Craig gives it a fab-u-lous and Darcey calls her a quirky, naughty flapper.  This show tonight… She also liked the straight legs in the cartwheels.

Up on the Tess Circle and Kimberley says she loved it.  Tess reminds them about SHOWDANCE.  She says she has high hopes for it.  After the mess Pasha and Chelsee did last year, I don’t.  Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for their second forty and the best pissed off Flavia face ever, which she quickly turns into a forced grin.  Hee.

Finally, it’s Lisa and Robin.  Bruce snarks about Craog finally finding his 10, despite it being used last week for the same couple.  Bruce calls Lisa Leeza and says she surprised everyone in the first week.  Shame it didn’t keep like that.  The judges’ comments basically keep going on about her body size – so much for trying to prove that it doesn’t matter, show.  We’re reminded of her one genuinely good dance, her leading Robin around, the splits moment and her technique being a bit rubbish most of the time.

Their American Smooth is going to be Foxtrot-based – which is good to know as I’m not sure you’d pick that up otherwise.  Lisa acknowledges that she’s not the best and her frame and technique aren’t good, but she’ll cry if she isn’t in the final.  Or something.  They’re dancing to ‘All That Jazz’.  Is this a burn on Denise? [It would be if she'd done the whole thing sitting down. - Steve] The choreography is mostly West End – jazz hands, shimmying and posing – which Robin is utterly LOVING when you look at his face.  Occasionally they bob around in hold, and those bits aren’t too bad, if a bit pedestrian, but really, Robin wants to get his Fosse on, so they do more musical theatre.  It’s entertaining enough, not their worst by any stretch of the imagination.  The singer can’t get the last, long high note, but then no-one’s surprised.

They get a standing ovation because they need to have one at some point.  Bruno says it was very theatrical and there were a couple of moments that were stumbly, then he kicks out and Bruce freaks out because he fears he’ll get kicked in the face.  Heh.  Craig loved the Fosse elements but thought there was some gapping in their hold but he loves watching her dance.  Now, a lot of people think Craig is being too nice to her because she’s in his show, and whilst I’m sure there’s an element of that, I don’t think it’s the only reason.  She seems very fragile, even more so than Victoria, and I’m sure that’s part of it, along with her (presumably) large public vote and the sense that they don’t want to be fattist (they’re totally failing, given they keep calling her ‘larger than life’ and ‘big’ but anyway).  I’m not saying he has no vested interest, just that I don’t think it’s the main factor in the sympathetic treatment she gets.  Darcey loves her lines in the mirroring and says she’s like a musical theatre star.  Funny how on this show, that’s a high compliment, whilst on The X Factor, it’s one of the biggest put-downs ever. 

Len says he thought he could see her razzle dazzle when she kicked and everyone laughs.  He then tells her to hold his gays, but given how tight she usually grips Robin, I’m sure that’s not a problem.  People keep laughing and he gets annoyed.  Bruno: ‘That’s your fun club’.  Len: ‘Funny club’.  Bruno: ‘Fanny club’. Bruno bursts into hysterics.  Len gets pissed off and says she’s not always the judges’ champion, but she’s the people’s champion.  So he basically just called her Christopher Maloney.  Worrabastard.

Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad that people keep voting for her.  Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32.  Tess apologises for Bruno’s language (and not Len’s, though he started it) but then ruins it all by asking if Lisa’s razzle dazzled us.  Oh, Tess.  Ola is pissing herself laughing in the background, whilst most of the other pros are trying to pull as straight faces as they can manage.  Robin jazz hands a lot as Tess reads out the number.  Can you imagine a Robin/Lisa SHOWDANCE?  It’s a truly terrifying thought.

So the final leaderboard then:

Kimberley and Pasha 78

Denise and James 77

Dani and Vincent 72

Louis and Flavia 70

Lisa and Robin 63

Which, with the exception of Louis and Lisa’s positions, is pretty much a reverse of how I imagine the public vote to be, giving them the best possible shot of having Lisa in the dance-off and thus avoiding having a female Chris Hollins/Darren Gough winner, except even worse.  

Because we still have time to kill, we're reminded that the dancers all want to be in the final.  WHY DID THEY NOT TELL US THIS BEFORE?  Desperation rankings from the VTs: Lisa>Denise>Kimberley>>>Dani>>>>>>>Louis.

Tomorrow night Katherine Jenkins will be performing and the show will be hoping its done its maths right and Lisa is going home.  Join me then!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Vincent thinks fusion is easy – of course it is, when you choose the easiest combination.

- Robin’s heaven is a load of mirrorballs.  I know, such a surprise.

- Bruises are painted out with make-up.  BBC LIES!

- It was ‘just’ Nicky’s technique that let him down, according to Darcey.

- The samba is hard for the male celebrities.  Is there any dance these poor souls can actually do?

- ‘Everyone on Twitter’ was going mental about Craig’s score for Nicky and Karen.  Except me.  I was more going mental trying to figure out what the hell their dance was supposed to be.

- Karen Hauer hopes she’ll come back to Strictly.

- Nicky is never gonna dance again.  Guilty feet have got no rhythm.  Etc.

- Len claps himself when he’s introduced.  Of course he does.

- Len basically thinks Louis and Flavia copped out of the whole fusion thing and just did a rumba.

- Karen’s kick-ball-change challenge looks like the world’s slouchiest and slowest Riverdance (still, better that than Brendan’s sex faces last week).  She is by far the worst at the challenge so far.  Oh, Karen, way to enhance your employment prospects.  She thinks Vincent will win the challenge and wants Pasha to win the series.
- James enjoys poking Denise in the ribs.
- It takes James three days to choreograph a dance, and it takes Denise three days to learn it.
- The jive is the "wow" dance of the five Latin types, and the quickstep is the "wow" dance of the five ballroom types.
- Natalie used to be a beauty therapist. She gave her father a pedicure that left him barely able to walk.
- Erin once bought Anton a chest wax because he'd been mean to her and lied to him that it wouldn't hurt.
- Natalie wants a ballroom-oriented pro challenge next year.
- Dani’s dress had eight metres of fringing on it and over 5000 crystals.

- Geometric will be big next season.
- No male has ever got a 10 for the rumba. Apparently Christmas specials don't count.
- The girls are all ganging up on Louis and bullying him. Just in case he isn't already getting ALL THE OVARY VOTES.
- Steve is better at recognising Penny Lancaster's legs than Rod Stewart is.
- The Viennese waltz is the oldest of all the ballroom dances, dating back to the 18th century.
- Ian's grandmother is called Ethel.
- Pasha keeps reminding Kimberley there is no such word as can't. James keeps reminding us there is such a word as cu---[That's enough of that, thanks. - Telly Bitching Lawyers]

- Artem can’t resist an opportunity for injury porn, even if it’s just in the pro challenge.

- The new Guinness World Record holder for the most kick-ball-changes performed in 30 seconds is...Flavia Cacace! Pasha was second, and Erin was third.
- Lisa is the first celebrity to ask for a tangerine costume.
- The women get more bruises than the men, despite dancing being HARDER FOR MEN etc.
- Lisa's egomania now extends to her thinking that she and Robin singlehandedly made the cha cha cha famous in week one.
- Vincent wasn't breastfed as a child.
- Team dances look like being the next thing that Strictly is going to nick from Dancing With The Stars.
- In France, the scores on Dancing With The Stars are separated into "artistic" and "technical" scores. Let's hope that's not a future plan for over here.
- Pasha likes dancing with himself. (Not a euphemism.)
- Wiggle the Pig thinks Denise and James will top the leaderboard this week.

Byrne notice

Top 6 Results: 9th December 2012

On Monday morning I made the mistake of ordering regular coffee instead of decaf. This may sound like a minor mishap to you, but I've learned from previous experience that I do not cope well when a large amount of caffeine is introduced into my empty stomach. As a result I spent most of Monday in a strange kind of daze - with a thumping headache that left colours all blurring into each other, as I grew alternately giddy and nauseous and eventually both at the same time.

Why am I subjecting you to this protracted and tedious anecdote that would be more at home on my Livejournal? (Assuming that I used Livejournal like most people do, for wallowing in self-pity, as opposed to using Livejournal like I actually did - for reading homoerotic fanfic.) Because that was pretty much the same reaction I had to this week's opening pro dance. It's set to 'It's Oh So Quiet' and has a Mad Hatter's Tea Party theme, with Ola as Alice and a very heavily made-up James as the Mad Hatter. My tolerance for this dance was low from the outset because, as anyone who knows me will understand, this is the only Mad Hatter I have any interest in. Anyway, there are also eight dancers in the role of playing cards: Artem, Karen, Robin, Kristina, Pasha, Aliona, Brendan and Erin (who I understand was drafted in to replace a poorly Natalie, and wasn't entirely thrilled about having to take on the hair requirements that came with this role), and someone's clearly had a lot of fun doing the choreography and the costumes and the make-up, but I just wish I was having even a tenth of that much fun watching it. Instead, I just kind of want an aspirin and a long lie down.

Enter Tess and Claudia. Tess is wearing a red lace-effect dress that's...actually reasonably flattering on her, and thus in order to maintain the sartorial equilibrium of the show, Claudia looks a mess. I mean there's nothing wrong with her outfit per se, it's a fairly straightforward LBD, it just looks rather unfinished as an ensemble. If she'd thrown a little jazzy blouson over the top of it or something, I'm sure it would've been divine. (That may well be the gayest sentence I will write this year.)

Claudia promises Mickey Bubbles later in the show as well as Len's Lens and the Dread Dance Off. Before all that, of course, we must invariably review all of the backstage happenings from Saturday's Dance Fusion. The segment begins as the professional dancers greet the arriving audience members with increasingly naked desperation because at this point every vote counts - if the audience members had babies with them, you'd better believe those babies would be getting kissed right now. Various people express support for various contestants, including Kate Thornton generously chucking a vote Denise's way. (Why isn't Kate Thornton on TV more? She was a delight hosting the Strictly tour last year, someone needs to give her a job again.) [I suspect she is still being made to suffer for The X Factor.  But if this much exile is Kate's punishment, imagine how much worse Dermot's fate will be once the whole sorry affair is over - Rad] There are last-minute rehearsals happening in the corridors, and James angles for the newly-vacant post of Nicky's man-friend only to be snubbed in favour of Louis. Ha! The recap glosses over Denise rending her garment entirely, and also ignores most of Lisa's negative feedback. Nicky does not escape so easily (gosh, I wonder who's going home tonight?), and Len's "yum yum, pig's bum" comment is mysteriously deemed worthy of a second airing. Dani and Vincent are thrilled about their two 10s, Louis is typically stoic about his latest good score, while Kimberley is still a completely insane as a result of not only topping the leaderboard but also getting a perfect score. I know people complain about her not having much of a personality, but it was totally worth it if that was what was waiting when the floodgates finally opened. Once everything else has been accounted for, there is of course Len wandering the corridors by himself, opining that the semi-final will be a real challenge because the couples will have to do two dances. Hang on, isn't that what they've just done? If anything next week will be easier because they won't have to try to do those two dances at the same damn time.

Time for Tess to unleash the first set of results. The following couples are safely through to the semi-final: Kimberley and Pasha (SCREAM!) and Dani and Vincent (OMIGOD), but the first couple in the Dread Dance Off is Nicky and Karen (total absence of reaction because they saw this coming an entire week ago). The other three couples must wait to find out their fate, and Denise and Lisa look set to pass that time with a world championship woeful-gurning contest. Ladies, I appreciate you've put a lot of time and effort into this, but at the end of the day, it is still only a televised dance/popularity contest. Lighten up, eh?

Tess turns to the judges and says that she heard Bruno shouting "disgraceful!" when he heard that result. Except Bruno clarifies that he was actually saying "it's Craig's fault!" Heh. Also: every single judge gave Nicky their lowest score of the night apart from Len, who thought Lisa was the worst. How is this solely Craig's fault? Anyway, Bruno says that if we were judging for effort (and apparently this week we aren't, even though Lisa still managed to score 30 points) then Nicky would've got a 10. What, out of 40?

Claudia's with the safe couples, and Kimberley can't even pretend to care to be upset about the plight of Nicky and Karen or indeed those who are yet to be called safe because SHE GOT 40/40 AND SHE'S IN THE SEMI-FINAL, SO YOU BITCHES CAN EAT IT. Or something. She apologises for being unable to contain herself (don't apologise Kimberley, this is the most fun you've been all series). Claudia attempts to deepen the mythology surrounding Craig's 10 paddle, saying that "he's only got it out about twice". Yeah, for Lisa Snowdon's cha cha cha and Pamela Stephenson's quickstep. Really high standards he's got there. Pasha says he's proud of Kimberley for working so hard, and he's impressed with her fusion of dance and personality. Dani and Vincent joke semi-cutely about how they now have a ten each, and Vincent tells us that they've got the Argentine tango next week. That's basically Strictly shorthand for "see you in the final, then."

Next it's time for Mickey Bubbles and his cold, calculating eyes of hollow evil. He's singing 'It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas', accompanied by Anton and Erin who are constantly twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. I'm afraid the appeal of Mickey Bubbles continues to elude me: I realise that he's quite an attractive man, but I can't get over the combined factors of the aforementioned evil eyes and the even greater evil that is his music. It ends with Erin holding some mistletoe over Bubbles's head and stealing a kiss. And then so does Anton. HOMOLOLS.

Things go from bad to worse, because then it's time for Len's Lens - or this week, Len's Fusion Lens. We begin by discussing Kimberley and Pasha, or rather discussing Darcey's stagey shock at Craig's unveiling of his 10. Whatever, I'd rather have seen Kimberley's reaction in slow-mo. Over and over and over again. Len explains that Kimberley captured the mood of each dance, and she totally deserved to get 40 because her transitions were so crisp and clean. I'm still not sure that many people are entirely convinced by this argument, but that's never stopped Len before and I don't anticipate it doing so now either.

After that, Claudia wants to talk to Darcey about Louis's fabulous arm shapes, but I'm a bit too distracted by the way that Louis's revealing costume for this week shows off his decidedly less-than-fabulous backtat. I had to endure Mark Ballas on the It Takes Two panel on Friday, and now this - Strictly clearly wants to torture me with cruddy backtats this week. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Darcey thinks Louis's arms are long, but well-placed and tender. Apparently the show can't be bothered with the "DARCEY'S MOIST FOR LOUIS!" storyline these days because that open goal is just left unchallenged as we move on to Denise and her two different types of flicks, which Craig loved, at least until her heel got caught in her dress. He attempts to chalk this up to Denise's leg being too high, but Len gets all pissy and says that it was probably just "one of those things". This is the same Len who told Denise that she'd kicked her leg too high and that was the source of her problem not three hours ago (in real time). I know Len always like to be seen as the people's champion with Craig as the villain, but does he really think we didn't notice him say that exact same thing on the main show? [FUCKING LEN. *Stabs things* - Rad]

Bruno talks extensively about the joy and synchronisation of Dani and Vincent's dance, and then we're supposed to delight in Lisa hamming it up as Robin rips her dress in half, but all I can say is that it was tedious the first time and seeing it in slow motion isn't making it any cuter. Len thinks that Lisa captures "the feel and the love of dance". Odd, because I think she's actually causing me to lose my love of dance.

There follows a trailer where everyone's all ERMAHGERD, SERMEH FERHNELS, talking about how they'll have to learn two dances in the same week. Even Nicky, bless him, even though the show stopped pretending he had any chance of making it that far ages ago. He's a sport, I'll say that much for him.

Time to reveal which of those final three couples is going to be saved over Nicky and Karen in the Dread Dance Off. It isn't Lisa and Robin, because they're safe and incredibly vocal (and slightly obnoxious) in their gratitude, and of course it isn't Louis and Flavia either, because: duh. So Denise and James finally end up in the Dread Dance Off just as they've been predicting since Kimberley had her unexpectedly early visit. "We knew," mumbles Denise, and buries her head in her hands. Yep, you and everyone watching the show on Saturday, love. I think most people didn't even bother to read the spoiler thread on Digital Spy this week because they knew exactly what it was going to say.

Tess asks Darcey what Denise can do now to ensure a place in the semi-final. Darcey does not give the correct answer (which is "continue to breathe"), but instead burbles on about WHAT A SHOCK this is [When they were fourth place out of six on the judges' leaderboard?  Notsomuch, Darcey - Rad] and how Denise just needs to enjoy herself in the Dread Dance Off. Yeah, I'm sure Denise is loving every second of this experience.

Lisa, Robin, Louis and Flavia are waiting in Claudia's Counselling Centre. Claudia asks Lisa about her reaction when she was declared safe, and Lisa replies "it was ridiculous". Yes. Yes, it was. Also, apparently Lisa owes her continued stay in the competition to a "lucky rubber band" that she puts around her finger until it turns blue. So, y'know, now at least we all know who - or rather what - to blame. [Eternal gratitude to the person who sneaks some scissors into the studio next week - Rad] Lisa vows to knuckle down this week, just as she has done every week, so I'm sure that'll make ALL the difference and come next Saturday she'll be like Baryshnikov. Meanwhile, Claudia tells Louis that he's very clever, and Louis says that he needed to step it up because it was scary "nearly being in the [Dread] Dance Off". Somehow I suspect Louis was as much "nearly in the [Dread] Dance Off" as I am nearly respected character actor Dylan Baker, but I guess we have to pretend he was in order for this series to still have some drama left in it.

Trailer for It Takes Two in which Zoe claims the show has "lots of great guests" and illustrates that point with Il Divo, Michael Bublé and Russell Grant. It took all my self control not to cancel my series record right there and then, I don't mind telling you.

Then we're back to Claudia on the Balcony Of Broken Dreams with James and Denise and Nicky and Karen for what is about to be one of the most perfectly misjudged soapbox moments in Strictly history. Ready? James would like us all to know that he's upset that Denise works HARDER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND THAT'S A FACT, and all that stuff about her having an advantage is LIES because she hasn't been to stage school SINCE SHE WAS THIRTEEN and even then she only ever went to all the sitting-down classes and PEOPLE EXPECT SO MUCH OF BOTH OF THEM, and also SHE IS A WORKING MOTHER WHO NEVER SEES HER DAUGHTER. There's not a dry eye in the house, but only because everyone is crying with laughter. Even better, once Denise and James have headed down to the dancefloor, Claudia turns to Nicky who has the perfect riposte, delivered with an entirely straight face: "Well, unlike Denise, I actually am a trained dancer." HA! Oh, Nicky. Why do you have to wait until you're doomed to reveal that you're actually hilarious and snarky? If you'd been more like this earlier, I'd probably have voted for you. [I know!  He so needs to up his reality show game - Rad]

So Denise and James reprise their jive-quickstep, and she manages not to get her dress caught in her heel this time, although they do get into a bit of a muddle during the spins in hold (my apologies for not knowing the technical term for this), and once again Denise does too many solo spins at the end, which means James misses her hand when he grabs for it. These errors are immaterial, of course, because Nicky and Karen then repeat their American smooth-samba which has more faults than a Dread Dance Off is capable of fixing. Nicky isn't even able to take on board Darcey's note about how he overextends his arms, so there's certainly no chance of him straightening his legs or correcting his posture or any of those other issues. It's their last competitive dance, and they both know it. On the bright side, they at least manage to finish in time with the music, which is more than Denise and James did on either of their attempts.

Time to get the judges' decisions on who's staying. The tension! Craig votes to save Denise and James. Darcey thinks both couples gave strong performances (lol), but she votes to save Denise and James. Bruno thinks both couples improved, but the outstanding couple were Denise and James, so Nicky and Karen are going home. Len, of course, would also have voted to save Denise and James. There's a standing ovation for Nicky and Karen in the studio, and Nicky declares this "the biggest and best show in the world", and commends Karen for her hard work with him every day, despite the "shaky start". And middle. And end. Tess asks Karen if she has any words (with the implied subtext of "this might be the moment that decides whether you're coming back next year or not, so don't fuck it up"), and Karen says that she wants to thank everyone on the show, and she couldn't have asked for a better celeb than Nicky.

Nicky and Karen head to the dancefloor for their last dance to 'Stay Another Day' and all the lingering hugs that accompany it. Farewell, Nicky. We'll miss the man, but not as much as we'll miss the manhood.

Unclear fusion

Top 6: 8th December 2012

Last weekend on Strictly: Louis's Dance Journey continued with an adherence to its planned timetable that would bring First Great Western to its knees as he visited an "acting coach", pulled a few faces in his charleston, and suddenly became a contender all over again. Chris Hollins has really got a lot to answer for, hasn't he? Meanwhile, Denise and/or James forgot part of their salsa, and Denise either struggled or coped admirably depending on which of the show's two entirely polar-opposite mindsets it happens to be embracing at any given moment, and we witnessed the end of this year's Entirely Normal Male Friendship (you can call it a "bromance" if you like, but I absolutely refuse to) as Nicky faced Michael in the Dread Dance Off, and Michael finally paid the price for his sub-standard Latin efforts. Still, Natalie was wearing a fierce headdress throughout, which covers a lot of sins in my book.

This week, Strictly brings its toughest challenge ever: no, not persuading the public that Lisa Snowdon really was the greatest female celebrity never to win the show, but Dance Fusion. In case you've missed all the memos, it's another slightly dubious format twist inherited from Dancing With The Stars, and appears to be replacing the swingathon this year [Except taking up a whole week by itself, which maybe means the final four couples won't even have done every dance?  I mean, if they MUST do this kind of thing, can't it be a bonus extra dance in the final or something? - Rad] [To be fair, ever since they reduced the length of the run from series eight onwards, nobody does every dance any more. - Steve]. It involves blending two different genres of dance into one routine, danced to the same song. The show, of course, decides to illustrate this in a suitably infantile way by dressing everyone up as mad scientists and having them play with Louis Pasteur's My First Volatile Chemistry Set, and having Tess's ominous voiceover declare that if the couples can't establish a stable compound, they could be out of the competition. Hilariously, Louis's response to this is to shrug indifferently at the camera. SO ENGAGED IN THE PROCESS! Also, Robin and Lisa's cocktail appears to involve too much sparkle, but just when you think they might have actually learned something over the last ten weeks, Robin declares that there's never too much sparkle. I beg to differ: I think we all saw a little too much of Lisa's sparkle with that samba at Wembley.

Cue titles! If anyone's interested, Aliona has now replaced Iveta alongside Johnny Ball in the credits again. Poor Iveta. I hope she's still in contention for a full-time position on the show next year when they fire Karen. Or, you know, whoever.

Live from Television Centre, we have a Bruce and we have a Tess. Daly Dresswatch: I am unsure of my emotions about this week's ensemble, which is a biscuit-boloured floor-length number which appears to have a separate bodice with a raised pattern that I think I last saw on my nan's cushions in 1992. They go for the leg kick opener, and Tess looks as thrilled as ever to be manhandled by Bruce in such a fashion. "You nearly got away!" Bruce says to her, and Tess replies "nearly!" in the sort of way that carries the weight of a hope that one day she'll get away permanently, possibly to a partnership with Claudia when they can engage in light homoeroticism on a more regular basis.

It's nice to see David Walliams in the audience, to see David Walliams in the audience nice, and Tess reminds us that tonight is a Strictly first because it's Dance Fusion Night. You know what else was a Strictly first once upon a time? Rock 'n' roll. Now let's never mention that again. Interestingly, Tess elaborates a bit on how the fusion aspect is going to work: either the couples have to integrate the two genres seamlessly, or they can split the routine half-and-half. That last one doesn't really sound like "fusion" to me so much as it sounds like "half-arsing it", but I'm going to do my best to approach this concept with an open mind. Bruce explains the potential dangers of Dance Fusion: earlier he saw the pro dancers combining a flashdance with a quickstep, and all he got was a quick flash. Gloria Hunniford is amused by this, but I'm just concerned that the producers are already considering installing Flashdance as an official Strictly dance genre for next year, and signing up Robert Webb and Jennifer Beals for the ringer-off to end all ringer-offs. Honestly, it'll make Denise Van Outen look like Gary Rhodes.

Anyway, Bruce is still doddering on about his "quick flash" joke and waving at someone in the audience while Tess gamely tries to keep things on track. Her reward for this is to be yanked off-balance as usual because it's time to meet the stars of our show: Kimberley & Pasha, Nicky & Kimberley, Lisa & Robin, Louis & Flavia, Dani & Vincent and Denise &...oh, what's his name again? Jim? John? Jack? Shit, I'd better cover this memory lapse before anyone notices. *shimmies for several minutes*

Bruce returns to the idea of Dance Fusion being a Strictly first because the couples will start off doing one dance and end by doing a different one, until he decides it's not such a landmark after all because Widdy did that all the time. Oh, Bruce. Widdy rarely managed one dance in a week, I don't think she ever managed two. For those of you interested in red-button matters, Karen Hardy refused to spend an hour locked in a room with Nancy Dell'Olio is away this week, so Anton is standing in for her with special guest, Nancy Dell'Olio. Bruce reacts to the news of Nancy's presence with a hilariously genuine-sounding "oh no!" Regrettably, I was out having dinner with my boyfriend and his parents while the show was on so I don't know what sort of delightful insights Nancy was offering, but I'm sure they were...memorable. And hey, at least they're back to having former contestants doing commentary: I'd pick Nancy over Jon bloody Culshaw any day of the week.

Up first tonight are Denise Van Wassname and her partner James Itsonthetipofmytongue, who are doing a jive and a quickstep for their Dance Fusion. Naturally, their VT is all about the blanking moment from last week, almost as if all those honestly-it-went-so-badly-in-the-dress-rehearsal-it-really-did chickens were finally coming home to roost. James says that the end of the routine wasn't exactly how it was supposed to be, but you couldn't necessarily tell they went wrong. Oh, James. Even you aren't enough of an egomaniac to intentionally choreograph Denise hovering around your crotch in prime blowjob position for a full five seconds. Trust me, we knew. Denise says that it feels like a setback, but it's good because it means she's definitely not a ringer they've now got the drive to come back and prove themselves this week. As they're doing quickstep and jive, it's a very quick routine, and James declares that splitting the dances down the middle is for pussies, so he's choreographed for them to switch between the styles repeatedly. Quite right too.

They're dancing to 'Reet Petite', and it starts out promisingly enough as a comeback: obviously Denise's original jive was very well-received and she's still got the energy and cleanliness of movement that she produced in that routine, and when they switch into quickstep there's some lovely light and effortless movement around the floor. However, there's a small stumble in one of the in-hold kick sections - it's hard to tell exactly what happens but I think Denise just loses her balance momentarily and it's enough to mean that she's on the wrong leg to lead off into the next section of the programme, so there's a little bit of confusion, although she does seem to get back on track reasonably quickly. Meanwhile, the Fug Of Forgetfulness that follows these two around seems to have spread to the band as the singer forgets an entire line of 'Reet Petite' and just splutters through it, although to be fair, this is one of those songs where the lyrics are so garbled that I doubt many people noticed. Unfortunately for Denise and James it ends on a slightly sour note as Denise appears to do one too many spins in a solo section, leaving the waiting James visibly grasping at thin air for her hand, and when he finally catches her to do the closing drop, they're a few beats behind the music. It's a shame, really: 85% of that routine was very enjoyable, but the errors were a bit too clumsy for someone of Denise's general ability at this stage of the competition. [I know.  It was looking like a really excellent routine, such a shame there were mistakes.  I still love watching these two dance though which is more than I can say for, ooh, a third of the couples still in - Rad]

At the end of the dance, Denise says "I got my heel caught!" to James, which would explain that momentary stumble in the middle of the dance. Sure enough, there's a massive rip in Denise's dress which she's clutching guiltily as she walks over to Bruce, still wailing "I got my heel caught!" to anyone who'll listen - though Bruce is not numbered amongst those people. Bruce asks Len if there are any different rules in Dance Fusion week (oh, so NOW suddenly people care about the rules) and Len says that essentially they're allowed one lift, unless one of the styles is one of the dances where they're normally allowed to do lifts anyway, in which case they're permitted to do the usual amount. Well, that's as clear as your average tax return. Thanks Len! He thinks the quickstep had go and the jive had show, and it was a proper fusion - he thinks sometimes the quickstep kicks were a little bit "jivified" and mentions the error in the middle, at which point Denise leaps in to make sure we all definitely know that she got her heel caught, and Len's blunt response is "you were probably cocking your leg up too high." Ha! That's her little sympathy gravy train terminating early, then. [The dress was very pretty but not sure that material is the best for a high kicking dance - Rad] Bruno enjoyed the momentum of the routine and is sanguine about the dress-ruining incident, but he thinks the jive was incredible. Craig loved the jive part, though he thought the quickstep parts were a little too bouncy, but he thought the spins were incredible. Possibly they were literally not credible, since they ultimately led to them finishing late. James attempts to protest that he choreographed it like that on purpose, and he really is following the trajectory of Brendan Cole incredibly closely, isn't he? Starting off as the bad boy of the ballroom, then slowly morphing into the gallant gentleman who takes the blame for problems that may or may not have been his celebrity partner's fault. I can't wait until he completes the transition and ends up partnering the year's most emotionally fragile/completely psychotic female contestants. Meanwhile, Darcey is talking: the jive is Denise's strength but there was too much bounce in the quickstep. However, she loves Denise's determination.

They run (carefully) up to the Tess Circle, where Denise forces us to relive Dressgate in mind-numbing detail again, some more, and for once Tess's complete lack of engagement with the situation accurately portrays what everyone at home is feeling. Tess asks Denise if things are getting tougher as they get closer to the final, and she says that they are, with James adding that everyone else has upped their game. James points out that they've fused the two fastest dances, so this week has been very hard, but he's proud of how hard Denise has worked, "whatever happens tonight". So they're still preparing for that bottom two appearance, then? Scores are in: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Denise and James are happy and a little relieved with that. James begs his mum to vote. Hee.

Up next are Lisa and Robin. Last week the judges politely ignored the fact that their quickstep was a hot, hot mess, with Len choosing instead to say that Morecambe and Wise were looking down from heaven and cheering her on. To be fair, after they were posthumously forced into being a part of this crime against humanity, I can imagine that having their spirits invoked in support of a merely mediocre quickstep was a comparative relief. Anyway, getting back to earth (of sorts), Lisa says that hearing that was like being given a million quid. I'd say that seems a bit extreme, but given how dancing at Wembley seems to be the standard lifetime dream for contestants on this show, I'm pretty much losing all perspective here. Meanwhile, Robin crows that this is the furthest he's ever got in the competition, and he just hopes it continues. Yes, do let's hope we continue to get a weekly opportunity to find your choreography wanting, Bobby. This week they're dancing a tango and a cha cha cha to 'Voulez Vous' by Abba, and Lisa is struggling with the different demands the two styles are placing on her legs. Apparently Robin is becoming very Artem-like in training this week - no, not blissed out on an unspecified cocktail of prescription painkillers, but stern and demanding. Lisa says that she needs to up her game, technically. She's not wrong, but this has been the case for about seven weeks now and I'm still not seeing much improvement.

Their routine starts brilliantly as Lisa literally gets off on the wrong foot. Well, so much for technical excellence. They open with the tango and Lisa's pout is rather distracting, as is the fact that she seems to be struggling to keep up with Robin. Speaking of Robin, he's gone for the easiest possible route of choreography, which is to just change styles permanently at the halfway point. He's even included a Bucks Fizz-style skirt removal at the point of transition, complete with Lisa doing entirely overacted "OH MY MODESTY!" faces. The cha cha cha is, if anything, worse than the first time she attempted it as Lisa frequently looks lost and unsure of what she's supposed to be doing next, and is even poking her tongue out trying to concentrate [And, yet again, Robin seems to mess his own steps up too.  I'm really losing patience with his choreography - Rad]. Robin attempts a week one callback by ending with the same lift that they used first time around, only this time having Lisa leap into his arms rather than the other way around. It's a nice idea and I'm sure the intention was to show us how much Lisa has improved as a dancer since then, but honestly, go back and look at the very first dance she did and try to tell me that it wasn't slicker, more energetic, more enjoyable and more professional than what she turned out this week.

Bruce introduces the fabulous singers (who do not get individual names this week), DaveArch, and his wonderful orchestra. "You do such a wonderful job for us," says Bruce. "Every week, they're there." That's not much of a compliment, is it - getting an A* for attendance? Bruno thinks Lisa was dazzling and says that the cha cha cha suits her because it's cheeky and naughty, and while her tango was better than her usual ballroom, he thinks the cha cha cha was stronger overall because it's a better fit for her. Craig agrees that the cha cha cha was better than the tango, because her top line is failing her in all of the ballroom dances. He thinks she was a little ahead at times and anticipating the steps, and says that the dance really took off when her clothes came off. Filth. Darcey disagrees, because she thinks the tango was stronger. I can't believe I'm saying this, but: Darcey's right, y'all. She thought Lisa's top line had improved and the shaping was better, whereas the cha cha cha was loose and needed to be sharper and snappier. Len thinks Lisa's enthusiasm is infectious, and it's always joyous to watch her, but she went wrong in the cha cha cha, and he found the whole thing a bit too predictable because the joy of Dance Fusion for him is not knowing what's coming next.

Up in the Tess Circle, Lisa apologies to Robin for her faux pas. Tess asks Lisa if she enjoyed revisiting the cha cha cha, and Lisa says yes, particularly the catch at the end, "which was so famous from week one". Believing your own hype, table for one. Lisa adds that the final is so close and she can't believe she's made it this far, saying that she's a nightmare on the results show because she doesn't want to be in the Dread Dance Off. Tess turns to Robin and enquires whether he's "had a touch of the Artems". I know they used to live together Tess, but I don't think that particular rumour was ever confirmed. If it was: poor Kara. Robin says that he's pushing Lisa hard but it gets results, at which point Tess yells over her shoulder "it's rubbing off, Artem!" At least, I hope there was a comma in there. Scores are in: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Len 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Craig and Len are booed for awarding 7s to that dance. I guess they made a rod for their own backs last week by setting a precedent of awarding 8s to routines that were only half-finished.

Our third couple is Nicky and Karen. "Very popular people!" says Bruce. They were in the dance-off last week, Bruce. I know you're never around for that, but one would hope that you at least watch it on a Sunday. As Nicky and Karen are dancing to 'Troublemaker' by Olly Murs this week, Bruce attempts to make a "Flo Rida" joke. Sadly, it does not involve enjoying sex with women while they're on their periods. Well, I say "sadly", that might in fact be for the best.

Last week, Nicky's Argentine tango didn't go entirely well, and he admits that when he got 30 for it, he knew that wasn't enough at this stage in the competition, but having survived the Dread Dance-Off yet again, he's determined not to end up back there again. This week they're dancing a fusion of the samba and the American smooth foxtrot, which seems to be a particularly tricksy combination, which Karen confirms. Nicky vows once more to give it his all this week because he doesn't want to go home.

Well, let's start by saying something positive about this dance: he's wearing tightly-fitting trousers, so we can all see his penis again! Sadly that's about the nicest thing I have to say, because the rest of it is a bit of a mess: the opening doesn't feel like an American smooth OR a samba, and then when they finally get into hold his legs are bent so much that it looks more like a tango. The samba sections are better, but he's still all spaghetti-like in his limbs and in general any attempt he makes at arm extensions just looks a bit feeble. I just genuinely don't know what was going on with this dance at all - I challenge anyone who came into this without seeing the VT to have correctly identified which genres they were doing. I don't think I'd have even been able to limit myself to guessing two. [It was a hot fried mess - the worst combination of styles, neither of which they seemed to attempt, and a choice of music that went with neither.  Just awful.  Although, to be fair, this is exactly the kind of trainwreck I thought everyone's dance would be - Rad]

Craig laments the lack of bounce in the samba and the posture in the American smooth part, and says that he suspects "we're going to be seeing that dance again." Bruce declares this "cruel", and I agree, but mostly on behalf of the viewers who will indeed have to watch that again. Bloody Dread Dance Off. Darcey thinks it was well-staged (it was?) and the changes were very neat (they were?), but Nicky's shoulders let him down, and he overextends his arms. Still, his performance value is good, and he sells it. Len thinks this was a difficult fusion to attempt, and he thought the samba was terrific, but Nicky still doesn't straighten his knees in ballroom like he's supposed to. He's fairly positive about the routine overall, though. Bruno thinks it was "a heroic effort" because the two dances are so different - "it's like night and day!" Oh, if only it had been, then the whole thing could've ended with Nicky having a sex change and revealing that Karen had been DEAD ALL ALONG. Despite the "technical shortcomings", he "command"s [sic] Nicky for always giving 100 per cent.

In the Tess Circle, Tess asks Nicky if he's going it for his TRUE LOVE MICHAEL, and Nicky's all "yeah, sure, whatever, but MY MUM IS HERE!" Wow, what a player. Poor Michael. [Nicky's mum also gives epic bitch-face - Rad] Tess cracks a comment about how Nicky "barely left his stool" in Westlife and everyone laughs awkwardly as Tess tries to segue this into "and you've come so far since then!" Nicky says he'd be devastated to go now, and he feels that while he wobbled a bit at the start and is still wobbling (well, having a generously-sized penis is bound to affect one's balance), he'd love to stay in and hopes that people will vote for him. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 7, Len 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 27.

After an extended and bafflingly irrelevant Brucie joke about pickling, it's time for Dani and Vincent. I know I could certainly do with getting pickled after that. Last week their Viennese waltz was charming and, I think, possibly slightly undermarked [I blame the godawful music and costumes - Rad], and this week they've got the quickstep and the charleston. Dani and Vincent are once again the victims of an unwelcome comedy VT about how much Vincent loves himself, hahahahahahadiminishingreturns. Still, considering most of their training footage appears to consist of them accidentally kicking each other, I'm not sure the producers had many other options. Dani declares that she wants to make the semi-final more than she's ever wanted anything in her whole life. I find that peculiar, because surely she wants to make the final even more than that? Oh well, it's all just pointless filler at this stage really, isn't it? Shall we get on with things?

They're dancing to 'Happy Feet', and they've arguably got the most naturally-suited fusion of the night so as a result their routine has a seamless blend to its two sides. Dani's quickstep earlier in the series was a breakthrough moment for her, so obviously she handles that side of things well, and she's pretty good at all the flapper stuff for the charleston too. I appreciate that their quickstep is lighthearted without being too openly goofy - I think there's a thin line to be walked there and they've done it pretty well. That said, I think it lacks energy at times, and Dani's kicks could do with being emphasised more, and the wheelbarrow into reverse-lift ending is ungainly, to put it mildly. [It was really good, and my favourite of theirs so far, but I thought there was a bit of an imbalance with more charleston and less quickstep.  And yes, a bit of a cop-out in terms of how easy it was.  They danced it well but I thought Denise/James and Kimberley/Pasha had more interesting routines in terms of how the styles were fused - Rad]

It gets the first standing ovation of the night, and Darcey declares that dance "extraordinary", saying that Dani upped her technical ability and the in-and-out wave of the quickstep was beautiful. Len would've liked the feet better if he'd seen the occasional heel lead, but apart from that, it was all "yum yum pig's bum". CALL OFCOM! Bruno thinks it was like watching "a flapper's greatest hits". At least, I think he said "flapper". And "hits", for that matter. He liked that they went full-bore (speaking of which, don't forget The X Factor final is on after this!), and Craig thinks the choreography was brilliant and Dani did a great job.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess reminds us that Bruno called it "perfection" and Dani says "you can't get better than that, can you?" And people say that light entertainment is not educational! Dani says she wants to get through to the semi-finals for "this man" (well, at least she's stopped calling him Papa Smurf...for now) and Tess tells us this was Vincent's first charleston because, lest we forget, this is what he was lumbered doing in the series where the charleston was introduced. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Len 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Well, at least the more obnoxious side of her fanbase will hopefully shut up now she's had some 10s.

Our penultimate couple of the night are Louis and Flavia. Last week he had a BREAKTHROUGH of theatricality, and got a couple of tens for his trouble. This week he and Flavia are fusing the tango with the rumba - and at this point someone has the sheer neck to present the idea that Louis is going to struggle with doing two erotically-charged styles of dance because he doesn't consider himself sexy. Pull the other one: Louis takes his clothes off for a magazine shoot nearly every week. What, does he think the pictures are going into medical anatomy textbooks or something? I am going to give the rest of this VT the response it deserves by ignoring it entirely. I don't care how comically they're attempting to present this notion, it's still utterly fucking ridiculous.

They're dancing to 'With Or Without You', and Flavia's wearing the Fringing Of Doom which suggests bad things for this routine, but actually it's pretty good [apart from the bit where they totally fuck up and she nearly knocks him over in the dragging across the floor move, the technical name of which I still don't know - Rad]. Louis is actually managing some level of emotional connection for the rumba, his arm shaping is pretty decent, the lift is good and they blend well from one style into the other. To be honest, I think I was more impressed by his acting this week than by the supposed "breakthrough" of last week's charleston.

That routine earns the second standing ovation of the night, and Len says that they pulled that fusion off very well. Bruno loved the build up from soft and sensual to the climax at the end was "masterful", and tells them to keep it up because it's going the right way. Although he might have just been reading from his notes for Nicky there. Craig loved it, but has one complaint: Louis's thumb was up during the tango. Bruno decides to engage with a woman sitting behind him as Darcey says she thinks the emotion was perfect and expressive and the arms were delicious, and the tango was crisp and one of his best dances yet.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess gets him to show off his rumba arms once more and then asks how much he wants to make it through to next week, at which point Louis starts talking about how he's used to getting silver and bronze so he's not used to properly winning, and CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER. I mean, I don't wish to start poking at the sleeping bear that is this show's general double standard, but can you imagine what would've happened if a female contestant had combined "I'm not sexy even though I am" and "I'm so tired of only being the second- or third-best in the world" in the same week? Because I'm betting the outcome would not have been pretty. Scores are in: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Len 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 37.

Finally we have "Kimberley Walsh and her partner Pasha Kupoflove". Bruce isn't even trying to get his name right any more, is he? Although I guess I have no objections to more references to Pasha's cup of love of this show. Last week Kimberley and Pasha's jive went pretty well despite her gammy hip and the elaborate trick that didn't quite come together on the night, and they got their highest score so far from Craig. This week they're dancing a cha cha cha and a tango fusion to 'It's Raining Men'. So that's two dances she's already done, combined with the gayest song in the history of the world. Pasha's really playing to Kimberley's strengths this week, isn't he? Their VT is a comedy exploration of how Kimberley is lovely when they dance the cha cha cha and mean when they dance the tango, complete with both of them doing their Acting Face at each other and being adorable.

So...this routine, then. It starts with Kimberley on a podium dressed like a second-week eliminee from RuPaul's Drag Race and goes straight into tango complete with Kimberley's trademark pout. She's much better in hold this time, and Pasha's choreographed a very clever routine that switches in and out of the two styles over and over again, and Kimberley handles it very well. It fits the music perfectly, and in terms of drama and general gaymazingness it reminds me a lot of this, and I don't think I can give a much higher compliment than that. There's one moment where Kimberley suffers what looks like a momentary loss of balance coming out of a lift, but apart from that, I loved it unreservedly. [Me too.  Except for both of their hairstyles.  The most effective 'fusion' of the night.  But still overmarked.  Mainly because it makes me sad that a fusion has the best score of the series so far - Rad]

They get the third and final standing ovation of the night, and Bruno opens by saying "Nicky, you caused a nuclear fusion!" I know we've had contestants called by the wrong names before, but is this the first time the name they were given wasn't even for a contestant of the same gender? He thinks there was a surprise at every turn, and it was imaginative, inventive and seamless - the dance of the season so far. Kimberley screams with glee at this. Craig merely says "that is dancing", and leaves it at that. Darcey thinks it suited her perfectly and that Kimberley "made it her own". This isn't The X Factor, Darcey, please leave that sort of talk outside. Len declares that he's going to join the audience. Finally! He's resigning! Oh, wait, he's just going to give Kimberley a standing ovation all by himself. A bit like that time Arlene did it for Alesha, only this time I don't think it was intended to get everyone up on their feet again. Kimberley's thrilled, and Pasha's ass is looking FINE in those trousers, so I don't think we could possibly have ended the evening in any better way.

Up in the Tess Circle, Tess reveals that Kimberley was so nervous pre-dance that she was pacing up and down before she went on. The audience are shouting appreciatively for Kimberley and her faces, and Kimberley really wants to still be here next week. She's been stuck on 34 for the past for weeks, so can she finally move up from that? Scores are in: Craig 10, Darcey 10, Len 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 40. I know there was some grumbling about that since the dance wasn't perfect, but really: previous dances to receive a perfect score include Lisa Snowdon's cha cha cha, Chris Hollins's charleston, Jason Donovan's Argentine tango and Pamela Stephenson's quickstep, none of which were perfect (some of which, indeed, weren't any good at all) so it feels a bit late to be complaining about this now. Certainly I think it deserved to be the highest-scoring dance of the night, and given that Dani had already been given 38, there were only two other places they could go with it. Anyway, deserving of the scores or not, it was totally worth it to see Kimberley completely losing her shit as each successive ten came in. There hasn't been that much excitement on this show since all the gays of Twitter realised they could see the outline of Nicky's you-know-what.

Final leaderboard, then:
1st: Kimberley & Pasha (40)
2nd: Dani & Vincent (38)
3rd: Louis & Flavia (37)
4th: Denise & James (35)
5th: Lisa & Robin (30)
6th: Nicky & Karen (27)

So, no ties this week, and given Denise's precarious position (and who's directly beneath her), I think she and James might finally discover their Dread Dance Off fear to be a self-fulfilling prophecy this week, though I'd be surprised if anyone other than Nicky and Karen go home. We'll find out soon enough, of course, but until the results are known, I leave you with the worrying revelation that Bruce Forsyth was given a writing credit at the end of the show. Truly, 'tis the end of days.