Friday, 11 December 2015

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Helen quite enjoyed having a lie-in on Monday.
- Aljaž had a bit of a solo cry at being eliminated.
- Zoe can't get 'At the end of the day' out of her head.  She's not alone.
- That kick move that Helen did in her paso where she did a couple of little kicks before going into a proper kick has been named “the Helen special” by Aljaž, “because that’s popular this year”. Oooh, SHADE.
- Whenever Aljaž is sad or low, Helen sings the theme from Jurassic Park at him.
- Strictly is filmed inside an ACTUAL glitter ball.  According to Anita and a BBC presenter wouldn't lie to us, would they?
- There were a panel of journalists on Monday. Not sure who the guy was but apparently they’ll just let any old idiot on this show now.
- WHERE IS THE PANEL OF ACADEMICS THOUGH, HMMMMMM?
- Nina Myskow doesn't have any empathy with Helen, the HEARTLESS MONSTER.
- She would also like to eat Georgia and Giovanni.
- People don't know whether it's pronounced 'rumba' or 'roomba'.  The correct answer, of course, is DIFFICULT FOR MEN.
- Darren Bennett and Lilia Kopylova are still good friends with Jill Halfpenny, and still see Darren Gough “sometimes at events”.
- Darren thinks his and Jill's jive was better than Jay's because Jay wasn't wearing heels and a dress.  
- If Lilia had her choice of this year’s celebrities to dance with, she’d want Jay, while Darren would want Georgia because of the height match.
- Lilia wants Anita to win, or possibly Katie.  Darren wants Jay to win, but Lilia doesn't because he's a DIRTY RINGER.
- Jay was slightly alarmed to realise he’d accidentally worn his rumba costume to It Takes Two.
- The jeans Jay wore for his rumba were elasticated.
- Christmas special scores are apparently canon now.
- Jay kissed a woman called Heather in a Wanted video.
- Aliona is partial to a (tasteful) Christmas jumper.
- Jay had a bit of a panic about two-dance week.
- The entire cast has had a WhatsApp going since the very beginning, and Daniel sings to everyone on it.
- The head judge of the Swedish Strictly (Let’s Dance) is from Lancashire and speaks Swedish with a Lancashire accent.
- Marie from A*Teens did Let’s Dance this year.
- Apparently Let’s Dance is very comedy-heavy.
- The host of Let’s Dance has never seen Strictly, because he thinks Darcey is the ‘technical’ one.
- JUDGE WARZ make the headlines in Sweden.
- Ian Waite wouldn’t have given Jay’s rumba a 10 because there was a heel lead at the beginning.
- Ian would have been ‘close’ to giving Georgia a 10.  So, a 9 then?
- Robin pronounces it “zee”. Why was this man entrusted with the alphabet?
- Ian Waite collects mugs with different world capitals on them.
- Aljaž would like us to believe that ‘On The Floor’ by Jennifer Lopez is his and Tristan’s favourite song.
- Ian Waite thinks his neck is approximately 2.5 inches longer than average.
- The singers only get the list of songs on Monday or Tuesday.
- Singer Hayley would rather people look at Anton than her when she’s singing on Saturday.
- The singers don’t try to mimic the original artists because the songs get so mucked about with to try and match the dances that there’s no point.
- Strictly singers Tommy and Hayley can speak Italian and Spanish between them, but none of the singers can cope with Punjabi or Tamil. 
- Only the rumba and the samba have yet to be awarded a 40. (We knew this already, but it was part of an educational segment so we thought we should probably include it.)
- And we are denied Anton’s samba so we will never know if that could have been the dance to both be the first perfect samba and the first perfect Anton score.  #redemptionarcforantonlatin
- Ian is worried that Aliona and Jay’s Charleston is going to be ‘cool’ because he doesn't think that's very Charleston appropriate.  He also thinks their Viennesse Waltz doesn't look like one yet.
- Katie thought it was hilarious that the show implied Anton getting to the semi-final would be as exciting for Judy as her sons winning the Davis cup.
- The final third of Katie and Anton’s Charleston will be ‘on the floor’, which presumably means it will be the drunkest dance ever *can’t wait*.
- Katie’s Sally Bowles frock was Zoe’s favourite of the night.
- Janette thinks she created ‘cool’ routines for Peter but ‘cheesy’ ones for Jake.
- Training for their American smooth has prompted Kellie and Kevin to start calling each other Ginger and Fred.
- Katie didn’t want a red charleston outfit because she’s had lots of red already but Vicky Gill talked her into it.
- Janette’s choreography is often inspired by old musical movies, especially Cyd Charisse.
- Glossy makeup goes better with an up-do.
- Strictly Spotlight is no Pro Challenge.
- The week Pasha and Rachel got evicted is burned into his memory.
- But he doesn't remember Rachel being compared to a slug.  Or says he doesn't, wise man.
- Pasha has the most 10s ever – 61.
 Anita thinks she might need another four or five years to get her footwork sorted.
- Backstage last week Gleb told Anita they “needed a miracle” to escape elimination.
- There’s a move in Anita’s foxtrot called “the death spin”, but Gleb has renamed it “the happy spin”. We assumed he would have called it “the Gleb spin”.
- Anita really wanted to dance to ‘Take On Me’ until Gleb told her there was no dance she could dance to that, so she’s excited to have it sampled in the Pitbull song she’s dancing to this week. 
- Adam Garcia has a beard now. It’s not his best look.
- Georgia had pharyngitis this week. She didn’t even know that was a thing.
- Aljaž is Giovanni’s best mate.
- Georgia’s dance got changed with two days to go.
- Being in the dance-off seems to have really shaken Georgia’s confidence. :(
- Oti couldn’t have asked for a better experience than the one she had on the show this year. Er, really?
- Scott Mills finds the idea of Anton Charlestoning hilarious.  Not as hilarious as the samba would be.  Robbed.
- There is going to be a ‘Latin’, ‘club’ pro dance shot on a single camera this weekend.
- Kellie and Kevin sang their way through all their ‘Oom Pah Pah’ rehearsals
- Kellie has been dying to wear a proper ballgown all series.
- Kevin thinks that him taking his glasses off is equivalent to Gleb taking his shirt off.
- There is a prop TARDIS behind the stage.
- Joanne used to hiss directions to Scott Mills while they were dancing.
- Andrea McLean can’t tell her left from right.
- Adam Garcia thinks Katie will go home this weekend, as does Andrea McLean.  Scott Mills doesn’t know, and the studio audience think ‘not Katie’.  The Friday panel all think Jay will win.
- The dances for two-dance week have been picked for being one slow and one fast.
- Katie and Anita are both feeling a bit guilty about never being home to cook dinner.
- Katie Derham thinks she was once in a piano final at school with her friend Prem.  Anita can’t think of a time she was ever in a final.
- The Strictly A to Z is finally over! 
- The show might need to take a restraining order out against Bryan Adams given how often he keeps turning up.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Bye, George

Week 11: Top 6 Results (Musicals Week) - 6 December 2015

We open with the promised performance of 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' from the West End cast of The Lion King. I must admit, I've never actually been to see this show (although I've always quite fancied it) so it's quite a thrill to see how all of the costumes and puppets and whatnot work to suggest the Pride Lands. With so many of the show's cast there, there isn't a lot for our professional dancers to do other than support them all in the background, but since we only get one of these visiting productions per series (if that) I'm not feeling too put out about it. (Plus Pasha and Anya actually get into the sightline this time, never let it be said I'm not easily pleased.)

Tess and Claudia emerge from behind the last surviving Lion King cast member and his enormous grassy costume. Tess is now wearing a red dress that flirts with the idea of being pink and is mostly fine apart from the weird banding going on at the top of her torso and shoulders, and Claudia is in a simple navy dress with more of those rivets she seems to really like at the moment. The judges make a slightly more low-key entrance, and Claudia teases an upcoming performance from Josh Groban as well as the return of Len's Lens.

But first, as ever, here's our recap of last night, hosted by Janette. In terms of actual new information: everyone is doing jazz hands backstage all time, like, all the time; Jay promises us "quite the transformation" as he takes on the role of a scruffy musician for this week's routine (hee); Georgia says that nobody can call who's going to be in the dance-off tonight and she just hopes it's not her (oops); Craig is convinced this will be the best night of the series; Greg the floor manager gives everyone high-tens; Anton hugs Katie tightly after their foxtrot and she giggles that she likes it when he's happy; Gleb consoles Anita that her routine was hard; Helen admits that she could have done a better job of her paso, and she wishes that she'd been able to do that for Aljaž; Georgia attempts to dance like a princess; Kellie and Kevin do a bit more "oom-pah-pah"-ing; and Jay pulls Aliona into an ILLEGAL LIFT, assuming it still counts if it happens after the routine has finished?

Tess is ready to put two couples out of their misery and confirm the worst fears of one more, so let's go: safe and definitely through to next week are Kellie and Kevin (who clearly weren't expecting to be safe and react appropriately vocally), and Jay and Aliona (who internalise it a little more but are still grateful nonetheless). The first couple in the dance-off is...Helen and Aljaž. Considering how on edge Helen was looking while she was waiting for the result, she actually looks sort of...relieved, now it's finally happened? I mean, she's clearly upset but she's been steeling herself for this moment since about week three, so I think on some level she's pleased to actually have somewhere for all that nervous energy to go at long last. [And given she was second from bottom on the leaderboard, it wasn't exactly unexpected, JUDGES - Rad]

Georgia/Giovanni, Katie/Anton and Anita/Gleb all look on with varying degrees of guilty and sympathy as Helen and Aljaž walk over to join Tess. Tess says that nobody saw this coming (I...kind of did?) and Helen says that she feels nervous, but she loves this dance, and she's so proud of Aljaž for choreographing such a brilliant routine for her. Craig tells Helen that she's going to get the opportunity to be better and correct her earlier mistakes - she's a brilliant dancer, and it's shocking to see her in the bottom two. After the judges ranked her...in the bottom two. [God, the judges being all 'how dare the public put you in the dance-off' when they bloody ranked her thus.  Fuck off, all the judges - Rad] Strange, Craig didn't strike me as the type to be shocked that easily.

In an eerily deserted Clauditorium, Claudia is joined by Kellie and Kevin and Jay and Aliona. Kellie says that she really thought they were going to be in the dance-off because going into this evening they were the only couple left who had been there, and twice for that matter, so she's really excited. She's trying not to get too squealy about being a semi-finalist, but she is thrilled nonetheless. Claudia asks Kevin how he's going to find time to teach Kellie two routines given her current schedule, and Kevin shrugs while Kellie suggests they just won't sleep. At all. Oh blimey, the thought of a sleep-deprived and coffee-fuelled Kellie and Kevin in next week's show is all kinds of terrifying. MAKE TIME FOR SLEEP, YOU TWO. Jay has the Viennese waltz and the charleston next week, and says that he likes having two very different genres to do because he's less likely to mix them up. Heh. Claudia asks Aliona how much Jay has changed, and she says that he's still the same Jay, but he has just Grown As A Dancer. She should have just talked about his hair, I think.

After that, Josh Groban arrives to sing 'Over The Rainbow' from The Wizard Of Oz, and as much as I love Josh Groban as a guest on panel shows, I don't really care for his singing. Sorry. [Ditto. - Rad] Still, we get a lovely foxtrot from Anton and Joanne to accompany it, which I mostly enjoy even if I find it hard to accept these two as a dancing partnership, because I always think of Joanne as being about 12 and of Anton as being about 86.

Then it's up to the Clauditorium once more for the penultimate Len's Lens of the series. We open, inauspiciously, with some footage of Bruno and Darcey waving their arms around and smacking Len in the face, and then follow it up with Len railing against Craig for daring to suggest Jay's rumba wasn't 100 per cent perfect, and I notice for the first time how much Len sounds like Zippy when he's cross. Apparently the rant ended with Len exclaiming "go and have a shave!" and present-day (well, not that it's live, oh you know what I mean) Craig laughs because he didn't hear that the first time round. Len wants to review Jay's feet in his rumba, and shows us how he's going from the toe to the balls of his feet to completely flat, and Len tells us how he used to teach kids to do this by making them push matchsticks around the floor. Wild times. Darcey reviews Helen's paso doble, and Darcey says that she loves Helen's beautiful posture in ballroom, but she wanted more curving and more exaggeration in the paso doble. Then there's a montage of lovely ballroom hands from Georgia, Kellie and Katie, which Craig is very pleased to see, and for a last hurrah we move on to Kellie and Kevin bellowing 'Oom-Pah-Pah' along with the band while they were dancing. Mostly helpful work again this week, even if we topped-and-tailed it with a bit of silliness. Since I won't be around to say it next week, congratulations to Len's Lens on pulling off the most unexpected redemption edit of the year. I actively look forward to recapping it again next year and I never thought I'd be saying that.

Back to Tess and the cue cards of doom. The final two couples safely through to the semi-final are Anita and Gleb (shocked and very excited) and Katie and Anton (shocked and finding it inappropriate to celebrate under the circumstances), leaving Georgia and Giovanni as the other couple in the bottom two tonight. That's a shocker, and the audience's reaction confirms it. Tess asks Georgia if she's shocked, and Georgia says she's not because the standard is so amazing at this point and it's all very close now. She's just going to do her best. Bruno says he's completely shocked because she's an all-rounder, who's equally good in ballroom and latin [...but doesn't have the public appeal/storyline/popular pro of... well, pretty much anyone else - Rad] ; he says that the side extensions could have been a little better but this is like a tiny flaw on a diamond. Georgia wells up a bit and Tess coos "don't cry!" at her, which I can't imagine is very helpful.

Claudia sits with Katie and Anton and Anita and Gleb, and Katie is asked to do the whole "I never expected to get this far" thing. She duly complies, saying that she thought it would be "a little autumnal prance" and she "might get to the end of September if I was lucky". I mean, I'm all for modesty, Katie, but even Iwan Thomas was still here at the end of September. Katie frets that she doesn't know when she's going to have time to do her Christmas shopping, but she's extremely excited. Claudia reminds Anton that he's never had a 10 ever, but he's got two chances of getting one next week with a waltz and a charleston. Anton says that they're going to move into the training rooms to maximise their chances, and takes great delight in saying "semi-final" out loud. Anita tells Claudia that she "absolutely" assumed she would be in the dance-off, and she thanks everyone who voted for her because she's having the best time learning to dance with Gleb.

After a quick trail for It Takes Two, it's time for the dance-off. Georgia says that it's been wonderful to dance on Strictly - particularly getting a chance to be Belle and do Disney - and Giovanni tells her that she was amazing and she just needs to do it again like she did it "last night". Helen shouts "good luck!" very sportingly as they make their way to their marks, and then tells Claudia that she's mostly concerned about letting Aljaž down because he's brilliant, but she knows that if she does go home then it means her friend Georgia, who would be a very worthy winner, gets to stay, so she can't be too sad about it. Aww. Aljaž says that Helen is a perfect partner who has pushed him to his limits every week, and she's been a joy to work with.

There's a slight hitch in the opening to Georgia's foxtrot when she doesn't quite get across the floor in time to do the kiss on Giovanni's cheek as he looks into the "mirror", so Pre-Recorded Mirror Georgia gets there before Georgia does. So that's a bit awks, but the rest of it is fairly flawless, and Georgia does a good job of following those side extensions through right to their natural finish just like Bruno asked her to. Then there's presumably a lengthy break in filming while the poor backing dancers rush to get out of those cumbersome costumes and into their French revolutionary outfits, and then it's time for Helen and Aljaž to repeat their paso. Helen, like Georgia, picks up on everything she was told, sorting out her balance problems and doing her best to arch where she wasn't arching before. I think there may be one moment where she briefly trips over Aljaž's foot, but it's hard to tell and if it does happen it barely even registers.

Time to go over to the judges and see which of these frontrunners won't be returning next week: Craig opens by sniffily saying that it wasn't the judges that put them here, it was the public (actually, it was the judges who put Helen in the bottom two, Craig, the public just didn't lift her out of it) and he thinks Helen rectified absolutely everything, but nonetheless he votes to save Georgia and Giovanni. Darcey wishes she didn't have to choose between them because they've both been so good, but she would like to save Georgia and Giovanni for delivering technically and understanding the style so well. Bruno thinks both of their performances were wonderful and powerful in their own way, and they should not be in this position, but he has to save the couple who added that extra polish the second time around, and since Georgia got her lines perfectly he votes to save her. So that's it: Helen and Aljaž are out. Len's opinion is sought, and he says he agrees completely.

Helen says she's had the most amazing time - Aljaž has been a fantastic teacher and friend, and she's taking away a "brilliant group of mates" who she wants to see lots in the future and she "flipping loves them". Heh. So very Helen to the very end. Aljaž jokes that they're just going to go into training as usual on Monday like nothing's changed, and Helen suggests that they try breakdancing this week. Aljaž says that Helen has amazed him with her professionalism every week and it's been a pure joy.

Helen and Aljaž have their final dance to 'Tomorrow' from Annie, and then Kellie wraps herself around Helen and the rest of the cast swoops in as Helen starts tearing up and OH GOD I HATE IT WHEN WE GET TO THE POINT WHERE I LIKE EVERYONE LEFT AND THE ELIMINATIONS ARE ALWAYS SO PAINFUL. Ahem. In the post-mortem, Jay says that it was so sad to see Helen go, not just because she was a wonderful dancer but because she was someone he always looked forward to seeing. Georgia tries to spin her dance-off as a "happy ever after" in light of her survival, Kellie squeals about being a semi-finalist, Gleb vows that Anita will not touch the floor in her salsa and Anita suggests he could just balance her on one finger for the whole routine (careful! Family show!), Katie is still in disbelief about being in the semi-final and Anton says he wasn't sure that it really existed.

So that's it. Such a shame to lose Helen, but it was going to be a wrench whoever went this week and I don't care what the "purity of dahnce" people on Digital Spy say, everyone left is great and talented [except Anton (in Latin) - Rad]. Join Rad for the semi-final next week as we go through the emotional ringer all over again and probably lose either Anita or Katie. Waaaaaah.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

West End transfer

Week 11: Top 6 Perform (Musicals Week) - 5 December 2015

I've been recapping this show since 2007, and while I like to think of myself as reasonably familiar with all of the tropes that it deploys year-in-year-out, there are one or two I occasionally forget about. One of them is the recent tendency to open the quarter-final performance show with moody, usually black-and-white, interviews with the celebrities as they talk earnestly about how hard they've worked, how much they've sacrificed, how much they love this show and how they desperately want to make it through to the next round. The whole thing always reads a little bit like a caption should appear at any moment to encourage us to text STRICTLY to 88989 so that we can donate £5 for the betterment of pro-celebrity dance contest awareness. This year is no difference: Sombre Anita opens by telling us about how the pressure is really ramping up, while Sober Katie (lol) says that the competition is getting serious now and Doleful Jay says that everyone at this point is capable of pulling out an amazing dance. Serious Kellie says that a single mistake could land her in the dance-off and she wants to stay to next week (which could possibly come back to haunt her if she does make it through to next week and the viewers assume that's as far as she wanted to get), Downcast Helen says that it's going to be difficult to advance because the judges are expecting so much at this point, and Woebegone Georgia says the pressure is really on now. Colour bleeds into the picture as everyone talks about the importance of nailing this week's routine, and how tough it is to call the result at this point. Apart from the fact that Jay's totally winning, of course.

Titles! Is it wrong that I wish Jamelia was doing air-quotes in her final pose now?

We open with a tribute to the world of theatre, as the pro dancers perform to 'That's Entertainment'. I'm trying to conduct a roll call of who's present for this, in light of recent events: Ola remains conspicuous by her absence, and I can't even see if Pasha's there either. There's someone at the back who I'm 99 per cent sure is Pasha, but he remains at the back the whole time and whenever there's a shot that might have allowed me to get a good look at his face, someone's in the way. On the bright side, Anya is here to replace Ola! Hooray! #bringbackanya2016 (As an aside, it's not that I don't like Kevin and Karen, but do they really have to be front-and-centre in every pro routine? Can't someone else have a go?) The judges shimmy on in front of a stage curtain, and then the top six parade on at the back and everything explodes into glitter, which is basically how most things end on Strictly at this point.

Tess and Claudia emerge from behind two white feather-fans being waved by Tristan and Brendan (the latter sporting a look of "the shit they make me do on this show", which absolutely makes the whole thing). They both look lovely, as well: Tess is in a floor length black sequinned gown (I'm not entirely sure about the caped sleeves, but that's my only gripe) and Claudia in a simple but smart black halter top and matching long trousers. While it's nice that wardrobe really seem to have a much better idea of how to dress both of them these days, I do miss the times when I could spend several paragraphs just pointing out what was wrong with Tess's dress of the week. I'm never going to break out into my dream second career as an acerbic fashion blogger at this rate. Claudia informs the less observant members of the audience that it's Musicals Week, and Tess reminds us that "Music Man Peter Andre" was sent packing last week. I suppose The Music Man is a good musical reference for him, although had I been writing this week's script I may have been more tempted to go for Bat Boy, Billy Noname, or perhaps just Fanny. The judges strut out to give us the full West End tits-and-teeth  - apart from Darcey, of course, whose approach is more like a silicone party bra and a dental bridge.

Our six remaining Strictly stars enter: Kellie and Kevin as Nancy and the Artful Dodger, Anita and Gleb as Velma Kelly and Some Sort Of Stripper (oh Gleb), Katie and Anton as Sally Bowles and Anton Du Beke (oh Anton), Helen and Aljaž as Two Surprisingly Well-Dressed French Revolutionaries, Georgia and Giovanni as Belle and Prince Adam (boo, why is he not being THE BEAST and covered in offcuts of carpet?), and finally Jay and Aliona as...erm...did nobody tell Jay and Aliona it was a theme week this week? Oh, fine: they're being Guy and Girl from Once, whose costumes are rather more workaday than iconic by their very nature, but that's theme weeks for you.

Since this is the shortest show of the series (and we're going to overrun a bit, spoilers), there's no time for niceties and we get straight on to our first couple of the night: Georgia and Giovanni. Georgia was very pleased with how her paso doble went last week, although we're reminded that Bruno had a few issues with the tension in her shoulders at certain points, so Georgia promises "no shoulders next week". I think someone might need a little Biology refresher course. This week they are dancing "the slow foxtrot" (stop saying that like it's a genre in its own right) to the title track from Beauty And The Beast, which Georgia is very excited about because she's always wanted to be a princess. Hard luck, Georgia: Belle's not actually a princess at this point in the story, she's just a prisoner in a castle who's well on her way to developing Stockholm syndrome. Giovanni scoffs at the idea of Georgia even knowing how to be a princess, so we segue into the inevitable comedy VT where Georgia invites him around for "a party with my friends", and upon his arrival she makes him dress up as The Beast complete with comedy headpiece (I'm trying not to think too deeply about the possibility of Georgia being a secret furry) and reveals it's actually a princess party with her cousins and her nephew. (Poor the nephew.) Not to cast aspersions, but after the leather daddy look last week and the Whitney Houston obsession the week before, I wouldn't be surprised to discover this is not in fact Giovanni's first princess party. The kids savage Giovanni before he manages to claw his way up to the sofa, where he asks them if Georgia will be a good princess and they insist that she will be THE BEST PRINCESS. Back in the training room, Georgia says she just wants to go out and perform the foxtrot the best she can, like a real-life princess.

At the start of the routine, Giovanni is looking in the mirror (I bet Gleb is furious he didn't get gifted this concept) where he sees his reflection in beastpaint makeup (family show!) before a kiss from Georgia turns him back into her Joe Varney. I'm a bit disappointed that after all the horrible things they've done to Pasha in theme weeks (green facepaint! fuzzy werewolf! that perm wig he had to wear for Caroline's samba!), Giovanni gets off so lightly here [Quite - Rad], but full marks to Vicky Gill and her team for such first-rate Disney cosplay, because even without any other clues you could just look at both of them and know exactly which show they're doing. (Also I remain strangely unmoved by Giovanni for the most part, but I will say that dark blue trousers and tailcoat is a very flattering look on him.) Regular readers will know it's not easy for me to get excited about a foxtrot, but this does have a few additional things working in its favour: Bruno already on his feet and swaying in the background, bonus backing dancers dressed as Cogsworth, Lumière, Mrs Potts and Madame de la Grande Bouche, the fact that everyone bobs at the knees during the line "then somebody bends unexpectedly". Another thing really working for this routine is that Georgia's ballroom has really improved in recent weeks and she dances the whole thing beautifully and delicately with real feeling. And if I weren't giggling enough at the backing dancers' costumes, the routine ends and the camera cuts to Joanne watching the whole thing through opera classes from the Clauditorium and I just lose it completely. That was sheer camp, and I loved it. [Utterly ridiculous - in the best way - Rad]

Len reminds us that it is Musical Week by telling us that if you "went from South Pacific to Oklahoma", you'd be hard pushed to find a better foxtrot. Len's grasp of geographical specifics as strong as ever there. There were a few missing heel leads and she could have driven off slightly more, but it was a fairy tale "and it wasn't Grimm". Bruno compliments her on the improvement in her shoulders and frame, but she dipped her head a bit too far onto her shoulders in her side extensions. Craig thought it was delightful, enchanting even, and she really deserves to be here. Darcey concludes by telling Georgia that she showed no strain in the upper body "as the boys were saying" (apart from Bruno), and she loved the moments of hovering during the transition.

They scoot up to Claudia, where Georgia says she was really nervous this week because it's hard going on first. Possibly because people keep doing the "who's on first?" routine to her and she doesn't understand it. "What do you mean, 'who's on first'? I am!" "No, you're supposed to say ye--oh, never mind." Claudia tells us that Beauty And The Beast was her favourite film (note the "was", so I assume she meant "as a kid", as opposed to now, when Georgia's favourite film is apparently, er, Tangled) [and Chicago, and about eighteen other things this series - Rad] and Georgia grins that she loves the dress and she's never taking it off. I wouldn't object if Giovanni stayed in that costume for the rest of the series either, to be honest. What? My tastes are unconventional. Scores are in: nines all round for a total of 36. I'm a little surprised by that, I thought it might at least get a 10 from Darcey. As it's musicals week, Claudia informs us that we will be getting the terms and conditions in the medium of song this week, so she summons THE PRENJ out of nowhere to sing them for us. Love a bit of Prenj. Given how she was on It Takes Two's Friday panel and now she's apparently refusing to leave the studio full-stop, I hope they're going to sign her up for next year.

Back to Tess, who pronounces "Prenger" with a hard g, because God knows she's been saying Ola's name wrong for 10 years, you can't expect her to get a bit-player right. Up next in the DEATH SLOT are Anita and Gleb. Uh oh. Last week's rumba was controversial (i.e. Len hated it) but Anita shrugs that sometimes you have to take a risk in life. I like that Anita's approaching Holly Valance-esque levels of not really giving a shit what anyone says to her at this point. She even giggles about being near the bottom of the leaderboard last week, despite having a comparatively good score of 31. They're dancing an Argentine tango to 'Cell Block Tango' from Chicago, and their comedy VT is that Gleb is not in fact taking Anita to Chicago itself, but to the Tower of London to enact his fantasy of her being a prisoner and him being her guard. Considering the training footage we see on It Takes Two I was under the impression he does that most weeks anyway. They dance around a little it and then head back to training, where Anita says it's a beautiful dance and one of the dances she was really desperate to do, but she's finding it very difficult. A quick reminder that Anita Has Never Danced Before, and on we go!

So as I mentioned before, Gleb is wearing a stripperific prison guard outfit with a sleeveless sheer shirt and very tight trousers, and while Anita claws at the bars of her cage, he strides on with his hand on his butt cheek brandishing a truncheon. Anita pops the top of his shirt open, while Gleb Magic Mikes his cap and truncheon off to the side (Gleb can toss off my truncheon any day etc etc) and Anita escapes so they can dance together. As Argentine tangos go, it's not great: Anita's legs are a bit too spindly and spidery to really be as sharp and pointed as they need to be in this dance, and she does look quite stumbly in places. I appreciate that as a card-carrying Anita stan I'm hardly an unbiased witness, but I think they had an uphill struggle this week: the Argentine tango is a tough draw in Musicals Week because there aren't really many songs from musicals that suit it, and this song is clearly more of a traditional tango (hence the title) so as a result the routine is probably a faster tempo than it should have been. While I do think that some of Anita's technical failures in this routine are Gleb's fault for not ironing them out earlier in the competition, I also think he probably did the best he could with a fairly constrictive and unsuitable theme for this dance. (Plus I thought a lot of her rehearsal footage looked fairly decent, so maybe something just went wrong on the night?) Anyway, it's a little gentle and hesitant for an Argentine tango and doesn't really have that much AT content, but the performance level is near-faultless and the spectacle is superb - though it's a shame that she overbalances in the end pose and nearly knocks the cell door right over. If I can borrow a line from the song to sum it up, I'd say it's a murder, but not a crime. Anyway, Anita and Gleb seem pleased with how it went, and it goes down a storm with the audience for whatever that's worth. [Yeah, technically it wasn't amazing  (it wasn't a bloody 6 either) but for performance it was everything - Rad]

Anita and Gleb make their way over to Tess, with Anita giggling about "nearly taking the set with us" while a reaction shot of the Clauditorium shows Natalie fanning herself. Good old Natalie. Bruno says that he wants to start by praising her for even attempting to take on the iconic number from Chicago. Uh oh. He says that she really went for it, but in the attempt to do so many things at once, her footwork got a little bit sloppy. "There are no half-measures with Fosse!" he bellows. But he thinks what she did "with your ability" was good. They do seem to like backhanding Anita at the moment, don't they? First Craig complimenting her on how much she's developing as an actress (as opposed to a dancer) last week, and now Bruno saying "well, it was quite good by your standards". Craig didn't like it, because he thinks it exposed all of Anita's weak points: her flexed feet, her pigeon toes, not bringing her feet together in the ochos, she wasn't following Gleb's lead, but he thinks she has a great sense of drama and that's why the audience liked it. So now they've moved on from shading Anita to outright shading the audience and assuming that we'll leap to our feet and bay for anything that's even the slightest bit camp or dramatic--actually, that's pretty true. Carry on. Darcey says it's a difficult dance, but the energy and attitude and intent were extraordinary, and she admires Anita's fearlessness. Len refers to it as being "like a cowpat on Countryfile" and I get set for him to absolutely slate the whole thing, but he goes on to say that that means it was "hot and steamy" and it turns out that was actually a compliment? I think maybe Len needs a new scriptwriter. He understands the reservations that the other judges have, but he thought they did a spectacular job with a difficult piece of music. Who'd have thought Len the traditionalist would be the one judge to stand up for this routine? He's really keeping us on our toes tonight.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia asks Gleb if he wants to respond to Craig's comments, which I'm taking as grade A trolling on Claudia's part because we all know Gleb wasn't even listening to any of that. Gleb says that he's so proud of Anita because she had never danced before the show and she's made the quarter finals, and she's doing something that is almost impossible. Anita says that she knows about the problems with her feet and she's working on it, "but I've had feet like this for 38 years". Heh. Scores are in: Craig 6 (there's an appalled scream of "WHAT?" here and I have no idea who from: it's a woman's voice and it has to be someone whose mic is on, but it's not Anita and I can't really imagine Claudia reacting in that way. Maybe it's Natalie? She's standing very close to the action, I could see Claudia's or Anita's mic picking up her voice if she was sufficiently outraged), Darcey 8, Len 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Anita's happy with that score. Claudia previews the upcoming dances and accidentally calls Aliona "Aliano". I could totally see Aliona cutting her hair short and donning a fake moustache to come back as "Aliano" the new Italian male pro back when she got fired, now I think about it. [I think she should do it anyway in order to be the first pro to win three times - entering covertly but in an act of supervillainy she'd whip her disguise off when her dancing partner, La Prenj, wins the glitterball - Rad]

Kellie and Kevin are next, with a Viennese waltz to 'Oom-Pah-Pah' from Oliver!. Last week's salsa was their hardest dance ever, lest we forget, and they had to do it twice because of the dance-off, but they survived and made it through to Musicals Week, which I think was always going to be a good fit for Kellie. And if not Kellie, then definitely for Linda Carter. This week Kellie mentions how tough it's been being away from her son so much, particularly because it's his fourth birthday on show day, so she brings him along to one of their training sessions. Kellie asks Freddie which one of her dances was his favourite, and he replies "when you went crazy". You might have to narrow that down, kid. Freddie watches them train, a 10 paddle by his side ready and waiting (I notice there's no sign of paddles 1-9, this training session is clearly RIGGED) and then Kevin gives Freddie his birthday present of a dancing robot, and Freddie is super-adorable and wishes Kellie good luck before getting distracted by the robot again and going POW POW POW POW POW. Hee.

So Kellie's is redefining the role of Nancy by making her a pub landlady rather than a hooker (well, at least this makes a change from Katie being the one having to pretend not to be a hooker for once), and the Viennese waltz sections themselves are nice enough but the rest of it - and I say this as someone who generally likes Kellie - is pretty horrible. There's far too much oom-pah-pahing and dancing on the tables and I don't want to sound like Bruce here but it's all just so loud. And Kellie has to dance on the table again and she gets lifted onto it and off it by one of the backing dancers and I don't even know if that counts as an illegal lift because no one seems to pay any attention to the rules in the theme weeks and I've got a headache and I need an aspirin and I'm so old leave me alone. [Also they don't even get La Prenj to sing is and so what is the point? - Rad]

Craig says it's the first time that he's seen a Viennese waltz that wasn't elegant, had no class, no grace whatsoever and was "common as", and the audience are booing because they can't anticipate that this is clearly ending on "AND I LOVED IT". Which it does. Darcey congratulates Kevin on tailoring the routine so well to Kellie, and she loved seeing Kellie's joy throughout the routine. I did think some of those high kicks were a bit exposing. Len says that he was "reviewing the situation" and he loved it. He adds that it was "like a knees-up down the Old Vic", and I don't think they have many knees ups down there, Len, because they're normally doing Ibsen. He thinks Kellie embraced both the dance and the character of the musical, and adds that he'd like to see it again, and Kellie and Kevin are both all "well, that would mean us being in the dance-off, so can we not plz?" Heh. Bruno sings 'Consider Yourself' at them and says it was a "Viennese waltz by the people, for the people". Didn't Heather Parsons already do that?

Tess wishes Freddie a happy birthday, and Kellie and Kevin screech their way up to the Clauditorium, where Kevin says he had the time of his life doing that. Kellie says that the Viennese waltz is a gorgeous dance to do, and she wasn't sure at first that it was going to fit this theme, but Kevin's very clever and totally pulled it off. Claudia prompts Kevin to talk about how he always tells her "it's just you and me" at the start of every dance, and this seems like a bad time to have brought that up given that there were also four extra people supporting them this week. Scores: all the nines again for 36, putting her in a tie with Georgia.

After the obligatory halfway preview, it's time for Tess And Claudia's Comedy Bit, where Tess asks Claudia if she managed to get those choc-ices for the interval and Claudia appears on screen with chocolate (well, I hope it's chocolate) smeared all around her lips and apologising that they'd run out. As usual, the gag is carried by Claudia and somehow becomes funnier when she can't keep a straight face while Tess is introducing Jay and Aliona.

Ah yes, Jay and Aliona. Last week's tango went well and earned a personal best score of 38, and Jay declares himself to be "on cloud nine - and two 10s". Heh. Jay gets the short straw VT-wise, because they're dancing the rumba to 'Falling Slowly' from Once and Aliona has summoned Ronan Keating, formerly Guy in the West End, to give them some tips. I can't believe we've been waiting all series for the "Jay gets an acting coach" VT and when it finally happens it's Ronan sodding Keating. Ronan plays the song for them on his acoustic guitar (this is mercifully brief, for us at least) and then tells them how the story is that of a man in love with a woman who he can't be with, because she's already married to someone else. (How nobody involved made a Miranda-style look to the camera at this point, I do not know.) Ronan tells Jay that he understands having to work on showing your emotions, as he had to do that when he was doing an acting, but he thinks Jay will really show people what he's capable of this week. Jay tells us that he hopes people feel what he is feeling. Aliona's boobs?

So Jay and Aliona are the only couple to be spared the backing dancers this week, which is a huge advantage in an intimate genre like this. Aliona has, very savvily, opted not to do a contempowaft rumba but to offer up a more traditional interpretation, though Jay's experience with contemporary dance serves him well here with the extensions and the relaxed pace of the whole thing. I'm still waiting for him to have any sort of performance breakthrough because his facial expression is emptier than the list of people involved with this show who are still talking to the Jordans, but nonetheless there's still lovely chemistry between them here and for a blokerumba it's very good indeed.

Afterwards Tess has a minor coughing fit and talks to Jay and Aliona but gets precisely no response so she says they're "still in the zone". Heh. Then she says that Jay is the last man standing in the competition and somebody in the audience whoops loudly. Darcey says that they brought tears to her eyes (there is no actual evidence of this, but bless her for trying) and that while Jay sometimes comes across as being embarrassed, this routine was not embarrassing at all. I love how neatly she sidesteps actively having to say "you didn't look embarrassed this time". Tess asks Len the contemporumba hater if he liked it, and Len says that he did, adding that it was a HARD DANCE FOR A MAN and that Jay will definitely be in the semi-finals. Bruno says it was a pitch-perfect interpretation both as a performer and as a dancer, and it was "emotionally involving" and he stretched through his legs into the floor, to use his feet like hands. It would've been amazing if he'd stopped midway through to scoop up some coins from the floor. Craig thinks this character suited Jay well (what, the character of Generic Man?) and he enjoyed the control to go from a pirouette into a bust-out (I didn't notice him getting his bust out, personally), but the only thing missing was that he would have liked to see Jay dance through the "four-one" (I think?) a little bit more, and everyone starts complaining about Craig always looking for things to criticise, as though he were some sort of judge or something. Craig says it's "advice for the final", then adds an "if you get there", as if that were even necessary at this point.

Up in the Clauditorium, Jay apologises for making Darcey "cry" (sarcasm quotes ours, thanks to Jamelia for lending them to us) and says that this was a hard dance, but Aliona has been so patient with him. Aliona says that as a dancer and a performer, Jay really grew this week. Claudia throws out a quick hello to Jay's mum's friend Bernie, and then we get the scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Len 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. It's the joint-highest score for a rumba ever (alongside Rachel, Kara and Chelsee), and the highest in-competition blokerumba score ever (where by "in competition" I mean "not counting Matt Di Angelo in the series five Christmas special).

Katie and Anton are next, with their foxtrot (presumably of standard speed, since no mention is made of it being a Slow Foxtrot) to 'Maybe This Time' from Cabaret. Tess points out what we've all been saying all week: that this is a perfectly apt song choice for Anton. Katie looks back over last week and was very pleased with how her Argentine tango went, especially considering how much she's always wanted to do one. Anton jokes about how dancing in December is a strange feeling for him, but he's got used to it. As they discuss dancing the foxtrot in Musicals Week, Katie comments "my cup runneth over" (though I'm sure she quickly licked the sides and the tablecloth to ensure none of that precious precious booze is wasted). Katie tells us that her daughter Natasha was Chief Kit Kat Girl in a school production of Cabaret, so it's like having her own personal coach at home. And also in the training room, since Natasha comes in to offer some advice like "ignore the judges" and "don't just plonk your foot on a chair like a slattern". Natasha then helps her mum to get her leg over a chair on national television, and I imagine as mortifying teenage experiences go, that has to be reasonably high up.

We're probably a good 20 seconds into the song, minimum, before Anton even appears let alone any actual dancing happens, though I appreciate this is very much par for the course in a theme week. It's a very elegant, smooth and surprisingly restrained routine, which is all very lovely but...I wanted more, I suppose. I really had my heart set on Anton high-kicking his way across the floor to "it's gonna happen, happen sometime, maybe this time, maybe this tiiiiime I'll wiiiiiiiiiin" but I suppose it's sensible of him to make sure that Katie herself is the focus of the routine. It's just a shame that it the dance settled for being just a good foxtrot when it could have been an amazing showstopper. [I didn't really like it - and it suffered a lot by comparison with Georgia's - Rad]

Len says that it was a bit long-winded getting started, but it was worth the wait because the movement when she got into hold was very beautiful and accomplished. Bruno likens her to a classic sports car: tricksy, but under expert guidance. (Hang on, I thought Helen was Trixie?) He notes that she was "parked by the kerb for hours", but she was "firing on all cylinders" once she started moving. Craig says that he loved Anton's choreography, and he rather liked the opening - although he wished Katie had been a little bit sassier with it. Darcey tells Katie it's exactly what they want from her: oozing confidence. However, she wants her to stretch those developpé and twist extensions just a little bit more.

Katie and Anton make their way to the Clauditorium, where Anton tells us that he was being very technical when teaching Katie this routine this week. Claudia points out Judy Murray in the audience and theorises that, after her sons' tennis victory in the Davis Cup this week and now she's seeing her ex-dance partner excel on Strictly, and Anton jokes that it was the best week of her life. He then turns to Katie and tells her she's joyous, fabulous, elegant, sophisticated... Scores are in: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Anton is still excited to be getting nines.

Closing the show, therefore, are Helen and Aljaž, with their paso doble to 'At The End Of The Day' from Les Misérables. Last week they were ecstatic to get their first 10s, and Helen can't quite believe she's in the quarter-final. Helen's perfecting her paso snarl in training when Aljaž tells her that he's taking her to meet the cast of Les Mis to help her get into the role. Helen says, for the benefit of those who didn't watch that segment on It Takes Two, that it was going to see this show in the first place that inspired her to become an actress. At the Queen's Theatre, they meet Peter Lockyer (Jean Valjean) and Carrie Hope Fletcher (Éponine), and Carrie says that the show being about the French revolution ties in with the fieriness of the paso, while Peter says that he's never really thought of this song as a paso before, but now he will. Helen and Aljaž do their paso on the Les Mis stage and Helen says that it's inspired her to be more theatrical in her performance. More theatrical? Sweet Jesus. *hugs self*

Helen certainly delivers on the "more theatrical" promise as she's playing to the back row from the very beginning, and I love it. She's got total commitment to the performance, and Aljaž swings in on a rope as a revolutionary and they dance in formation with their backing dancers. Helen's maybe a touch late on the first step, but her paso shaping in her arms is marvellous, there are some lovely sharp kicks, and her skirt-wafting is superb. It's a shame that she gets a slight touch of the Anitas and overbalances right at the end, which leaves her tottering forward when everyone else is frozen, but the sheer scale and theatricality of this routine is magical. I know it won't be to everyone's taste, but I thought it was fantastic.

Bruno screams about it being a "full-blooded melodrama" and says that there was so much going on he felt punch-drunk. Or perhaps just drunk, who knows? He warns her to watch for the balance issues, and then screams "VICTORY VICTORY!" Oh Bruno. Craig says that her first appel was late, and it's really easy to notice that when you're in a line-up, and she lost her balance at the end - but he loved everything that happened in between those moments. Darcey doesn't know how she fitted in all that dance content, and she worried at times that Helen wasn't on top of it all - she was a little bit upright when she needed to make more curves with her body. Len winds up by saying this was a fitting end to a fantastic quarter-final, and he loved the "sassy cape" and the twist turns, and most of all he loved Helen's facial expression. Hey, me too!

Aljaž very sweetly checks to make sure Helen's got her big swooshing skirt under control as they head up the stairs to the Clauditorium (such a gent!). When they get there, Helen jokes that Aljaž has had a hard week with her having to be so "angry" all the time, but she loved how he choreographed such a big production for her. Scores are in: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Well, I thought it was worth more than that, but there you go.

Musicals week leaderboard:

1. Jay & Aliona - 39
2=. Georgia & Giovanni - 36
2=. Kellie & Kevin - 36
4. Katie & Anton - 35
5. Helen & Aljaž - 34
6. Anita & Gleb - 31

A chorus line erupts behind Claudia as she declares the phone lines open and reads out the terms and conditions once again, and then we get the final recap of this week's performances. And that's it! On Sunday, there'll be a performance from the cast of The Lion King, and one couple will be posting early closing notices - but who will it be?

Friday, 4 December 2015

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Peter thinks that you have to accept when your time is up and go gracefully. It’s just a shame that the judges couldn’t accept his time was actually up a week earlier.
- Janette seems to be more upset by leaving than Peter is.
- Bruno has a Dancing With The Stars dressing gown in his dressing room.
- This is the first series in Strictly history where there has only been one man left at the top six.
- Zoe thinks it's outrageous that Anita and Gleb haven't topped the leaderboard yet.
- Jay and Aliona didn’t finish their tango until Thursday evening. AND BOY WERE THEIR ARMS TIRED etc.
- Jay's mum watched the show in the pub.
- Aliona doesn’t focus on the scores and prefers to listen to the judges’ specific comments.
- Jay would like to do a quickstepathon every week.
- According to Jay, Aliona is driven only by results and he cries weekly. Only weekly?
- Aliona disagrees with the idea that rumba is hard - she thinks it's actually pretty easy because it has fewer steps than the rest of the dances.
- Karen has received more sevens from Len than Kevin has, but only because "he always gets nines".
- Karen thinks the song 'Monster Mash' is about potatoes.
- Musicals week is Christmas for dancers.
- Karen Hardy wants to start seeing numbers that are shocking and powerful. 57?
- Crossing your ankles is very feminine.
- Aljaž signed himself up for dance school at the age of five without telling his parents, the REBEL.
- Giovanni only started learning English in August.
- Aljaž’s pet name for Janette translates as “little pumpkin”.
- Giovanni has never been in love and refers to himself as a “single lady”.
- Aljaž and Giovanni both want two kids, but Aljaž hasn’t actually discussed this with Janette yet.
- Kevin likes Hawaiian pizza. Controversial.
- Robin has been freed up from alphabet duties (did he ever get to Z in the end, I can’t remember?) and is now interviewing the pros about choreography.
- Gleb likes to choreograph the whole routine before he arrives to teach it to Anita on Monday, but quite often changes things along the way.
- Gleb is inspired by Fred Astaire. The Fred Special was a particular influence.
- Kellie punched Kevin in the face around 15 times during training for their salsa. Unintentionally, we hope.
- Nancy from Oliver! is apparently an “East End pub landlady”, because this is still a family show.
- Danny Dyer has started calling Kellie “the dance-off queen”, and I think Jamelia needs to know about this.
- Kevin is quite good at translating Cockney rhyming slang.
- Ian Waite twirling Aljaž around might just be the campest thing you’ve ever seen.
- Zoe has never seen the musical Once and neither has Ian.
- Kellie's training skirt appears to have lights inside.
- Natalie once wore a similar skirt when she and Ian toured.
- Gleb has taken to putting his hair in a topknot for training.
- Ian Waite thinks Kellie has the lowest overall score; she actually has the fourth, above Anita and Katie.  The top three are Helen, Jay and Georgia.
- Noooooo Robin’s A to Z is still happening :(
- In future Helen and Aljaž will not be using stairs in their routines, they’ll have escalators instead.
- Helen was inspired to become an actress after going to see Les Misérables with her family at the age of 15.
- Helen isn’t quite sure how you say “paso doble” because all the judges say it differently.
- Darren Bennett is one of the judges on Dancing With The Stars in Lebanon.
- The whole show is in Arabic and he doesn’t speak any Arabic, but he probably still makes more sense than Bruno.
- Ian thinks he looks like Julian Clary in some of the ITT promo clips.
- There is no double bounce in the samba. OR IS THERE? We may never know.
- Aljaž and Ian haven’t sorted out their first dances for their weddings yet, but Aljaž and Janette will be dancing to the song that was playing when he proposed: ‘You And I’ by Michael Bublé.
- Gleb has had an allergic reaction to something and his beautiful face is all swollen. Noooooo.
- Anita’s accepting no responsibility for the illegal lift in her rumba because she just does what she’s told.
- Anita lives in a positive bubble.
- Gleb has been stretching every day.
- Vicky Gill and team won an RTS award for best costumes this week.
- Kevin likes to think about the story to a song before he starts his choreography.
- Kevin really enjoys choreographing paso dobles. (This isn’t really a revelation, but Robin’s Routine Inspection goes on for ages and we had to get something useful out of it.)
- Giovanni is going to be made up as the Beast.  Rawrr etc.  (Or not).
- The subtext of dancing to ‘Maybe This Time’ is not lost on Anton.
- Kate Garraway used to hate Fridays because Anton always lied to her that she was doing well and then she'd see everyone else dance and know the truth.  MORE BBC LIES CALL OFCOM.
- Everyone this year is REALLY SUPPORTIVE. Like Anita had to tell Jay his rumba was amazing when she saw it for the first time this week.
- Jay’s rumba was one of the quickest dances to learn so far this series. Which is probably because it’s a blokerumba and he won’t have to do much.
- Anita will be upside down for a lot of her Argentine tango.
- Future contestant Ronan Keating is coming to watch on Saturday.
- Vernon Kay thinks Jay could be really good if he gets into character more; Sarah Hadland and The Prenj aren’t so sure.
- Vernon Kay memorised some stats before he went on the Friday panel.
- Sarah Hadland can’t understand why Kellie has been in the dance-off twice.
- Katie walked backwards into a wall during training this week.
- Craig is allergic to beard glue.
- The Prenj has seen Craig in his falsies and a corset.
- Craig didn’t like Helen’s charleston and doesn’t want to see it ever again.
- Craig took up dancing because he was quite a “porky” child, and he thought he was going to a Jane Fonda workout class but he was duped into joining a dance class instead.
- In Blackpool Craig considered giving Anita a 10 for her paso, but decided not to because her shoulders were a bit too raised and her feet weren’t quite technically right.
- Craig loved Georgia's BLACKPOOL dress and wanted to wear it.
- Ian Waite pronounces Erin's name as Aaron Boag.
- Ian Waite actually looks much more attractive these days than when he danced with Zoe.
- Future winner La Prenj is going to 'drag it up' when playing Miss Hannigan.
- The Friday panel are right bitchy gossips, and this is glorious.
- Vernon Kay thinks Kellie is going home this weekend,The Prenj thinks Anita, Sarah Hadland thinks maybe Katie and Anton.
- Sarah Hadland wants Anita or Jay to win, but mostly Anita, Vernon wants Georgia or Anita to win, and The Prenj wants Georgia or Jay to win.
- Georgia is quite tired now, actually.
- Hot Greg The Floor Manager was born on Christmas Day and his nickname is Frosty The Snowman.

Monday, 30 November 2015

Petering out

Week 10: Top 7 Results - 29 November 2015

Last night! Blackpool hangover week continued its tradition of being a little bit anticlimactic, apart from Helen and Aljaž and Jay and Aliona who pulled off their best results so far this series. Len got stroppy, Tess got horny and Peter and Janette tumbled their way down to the very bottom of the leaderboard - or rather, stayed there from last week.

We open with a laundry themed pro dance to 'W-O-M-A-N', focusing on the female pros plus a bonus dancer whose name I don’t know (but is basically playing the part of Ola) [she's Charlotte Gooch, apparently - Steve]. I’m not really sure what genre this is meant to be, so let’s just say... show dance?  The storyline is that the women are all cute pastel dungarees-wearing, high-kicking sex pots, flirting with the poor innocent male pros (Tristan, Giovanni, Aljaž and Kevin) who are wearing pastel shirts and white T-shirts over their jeans and just wants to be left in peace to read their newspapers, but three of them eventually see the error of their ways, go away and gain blue denim jackets and then become magically sexy enough for the women, whilst Kevin loses his trousers and runs around in his pants. Such storytelling.

Actually, the most interesting part of the story is where both Tess and Claudia emerge from the washing machines, which suggests that they have been voyeuristically snooping on the whole thing like two peeping Toms. Claudia emerges with pants on her head, naturally. Daly dresswatch: black, sequiny and slightly uncomfortable -looking. What Winkleman’s wearing: a similar -shaped black dress to last night, with a weird beige vest-style neck that gives the overall impression of her wearing a vest under a dress, even though I’m pretty sure it’s all one garment. It was obviously a case of putting dry clean only garments in the washing machine or something, so we will give them the benefit of the doubt tonight.

Time for a recap of last night, hosted by Darcey for some reason. Was this one also earmarked for Ola? We must know! Quick, someone call Ofcom and force them to do an investigation! Len says, before the show, ‘it’s going to be a bumpy ride’, so he was obviously anticipating getting his snark on even before anyone danced. Also of note: Kellie and Kevin, Helen and Aljaž and Jay and Aliona all get a positive recap; Peter and Janette a negative one, Anita and Gleb mixed but mainly negative, Katie and Anton mixed but mainly positive, Georgia and Giovanni an even mix of positive and negative. We also see Len calling Georgia and Giovanni ‘Georgia and Giovanna’, which I forgot to mention in my previous recap, so consider it noted now.

Time for our first set of safety announcements. Safe are: Georgia and Giovanni (and she promptly bursts into tears); Helen and Aljaž. The first couple in the dance off? Kellie and Kevin, who really suffered from that quickstep down voting. The question is, will public hate towards Peter Andre mean that nobody has voted for him, or will he still have had a sympathy bounce that means we can see a better dancer down there?

Kellie says she’s feeling alright as at this point in the competition, everyone is really strong and she knows that their position on the leaderboard changed really dramatically after the quickstep-athon, so she was prepared for it.

Len says there was one ‘wobbly-fobbly’(?!) lift in their salsa, but otherwise he thought it was fantastic, so they need to come out and do it in the same way. In the Clauditorium, Georgia cries again and says she is delighted to be in the quarter-finals and Claudia drops the bombshell that next week is another theme week - musicals week. They kept that quiet, didn't they? Helen says she and Aljaž took the pressure off this week and enjoyed themselves a lot more and she finds it incredible that they are in the quarter-final. The Clauditorium looks really empty with just two couples in there, doesn’t it? 

Time for our first of two special guests this evening (my, aren’t we blessed?), Adam Lambert. He, in homage to his reality show beginnings, is standing on a plinth. His hair has also been styled into a very unfortunate side parting and looks like one of those hairstyles in the Sims catalogue that you scroll right past. After a while, we get some dancing of some sort with Karen and Kevin lying on the floor and doing lots of contemporary dance wafting, before standing up and doing something very strange, involving Kevin making weird bent knees motions, Karen being super sultry, and a really impressive move where she kind of rolls around his body through his legs in one motion, then some really cool in sync jumps that are super impressive. I have no idea what was going through their minds when they choreographed that, but I kind of liked it, it also kind of suited the song, which didn’t really seem to know what it was trying to be either. Bless Adam Lambert, who remains one of my favourite reality show contestants on the force of his personality, but his music is a bit shit.

This week in Len's lens, we look Giovanni milking the spotlight in the quickstep-athon and we are told this is what professionals do to get the attention of judges in real dancing competitions, then we see Peter and Janette executing poor footwork and him losing his frame. Claudia asks Darcey why Helen and Aljaž’s dance was almost perfect and Darcey fluffs about saying that no dancer ever thinks their dance is perfect. Valid criticism there, Darcey. We also get a reminder that Jay has improved his acting skills, which I do not believe, because we have not yet had a VT with an acting coach, the tried and tested way of achieving that breakthrough. We then see Craig and Bruno explaining their perspectives on Gleb and Anita with two clips that prove each of their points correct, and then they have a little argument about it anyway.  They then stoke up those showmance rumours by showing Jay and Aliona giving each other a cute fist bump before dancing.

And the rest of those safety announcements: Jay and Aliona; Katie and Anton, which leaves a very worried -looking Anita and public enemy number one, Peter. My fears for Anita and Gleb were unfounded, as they are safe and Peter and Janette are going home in the dance off.

Peter says he feels sorry for Janette because unlike him, she works really hard, and he calls her a little Peanut, which as we learned from It Takes Two the other week, is a thing. Bruno tells them to make sure the American smooth is actually smooth and not tense up to much, but concentrate on forming correct lines with the body.

In the Clauditorium, Anita says she is delighted at how things are changing for her as she is learning to dance; Anton is excited that they have a foxtrot next week and Claudia points out that Jay has never been in the bottom two and he thanks his many fans. I can’t stop staring at his hairline to try and figure out what's going on with it, it’s mesmerising.

Guest performance time from LD though (Il Divo) and absolutely not, sorry, even though Natalie and Gleb are dancing and that’s a combo I would be very interested in in other circumstances. [I watched it, it was an Argentine tango and she was kind of terrifying in the best possible way. - Steve] We then get a trailer VT for musicals week which opens, unfortunately, with Peter and Kellie discussing what next week will be like. The best thing about this trailer, however, is that it pretty much confirms that Around the World week is dead and buried and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.

Pre-dance-off chitchat now, and Kelly says she’s going to go out and enjoy herself because she enjoyed the dance the first time anyway. Kevin says Kellie is somebody who is all about having fun both in training and on the dancefloor, so he wants her to have fun again. Peter does his usual "it’s been amazing here et cetera et cetera" and Janette says that they're going to and have fun and just stops short of saying 'one last time', although that’s clearly the implication in the way she delivers it.

If anything, Kellie and Kevin’s dance is more frenetic and more sloppy this time than the last time, but they also seem to not be giving too many figs, which makes it quite enjoyable. The audience and the rest of the celebrities and pros seem to really enjoy it and Kellie blows them all kisses. Peter and Janette start out okay, and when they get into hold there is an awkward moment where Peter doesn’t know what to do with one of his arms and lets it hang like he’s Anthony Ogogo or something. He does, however make a point of looking a bit dancey as he goes and puts the cupcake down, glaring right at Craig as he does it. That’s the one time I kind of enjoyed Peter Andre this series, everybody. [Haha, me too. If there'd been a bit more of that and a bit less of the relentless awful puns and earnestness, this could all have ended very differently. - Steve] Other than that, it is still beset by some of the same problems as it had on first run, although there is perhaps a marginal improvement, or at least it hasn’t got worse with time round, unlike their jive. Peter seems really happy with how they performed and they high-five and hurled. The audience are also pretty receptive and it appears that the some sort of standing ovation but who knows whether or not it was genuine? I hope Ofcom have been checking.

Tess reads her instructions to the judges at a rattling pace, presumably as they have to fit in their comments and thus there isn’t enough running time. Craig said both couples improved, but he is going to save Kellie and Kevin; Darcey says it’s incredibly difficult but on a more assured and confident performance, she will save Kellie and Kevin; Bruno says they both gave powerful and entertaining performances, but based on the dancing that he saw, the one that was more technically accurate and had more content was Kellie and Kevin’s. Len agreed with the others decision, as has happened most weeks this series. Except last week of course. Anyway, #justice4jamelia has been served. Peter's thank you speech is much shorter than I imagined and the gist of it is that he loves everybody. He doesn’t drop in ....'and especially his kids', which is a missed opportunity. Maybe he no longer really loves them.  Janette says she's absolutely loved working with him and Peter thanks everybody and gives the audience a little bow. They dance out to Don’t You (Forget About Me) and Jay is left as the last man standing.

Next week join Steve to see which of Kellie, Katie or Anita will go (or someone else, but let’s face it probably not) in musicals week!

Heaven and Helen

Week 10: Top 7 Perform (Blackpool hangover week) - 28 November 2015.

Last week! Blackpool! Jamelia entered her fifth dance off, danced way better than Peter and was dumped, thus making not only the dance off seem even more redundant than usual, but provoking mild media outrage at the same time. Who would have thought that the British public was so keen to see somebody who’d been in the dance off five times go through the same process again? Perhaps Bruno was right when he said that people put her in the dance off so often because they like seeing her dance? Anyway, she left and Peter lives to fight another day whilst she gets to mouth off in the press, so in some ways, everyone’s a winner.

We open with a pre-credits VT going on about how ‘all that matters this week is training’ and the ‘only story in town is a pro, a celebrity and a training room’. Let’s see how far into the show we can get before the VTs start to break away from this promise, shall we? They also tease us with the stars performing two dances, and for a moment, I didn’t understand, because I was sure it wasn’t two dance week yet. However, the second dance is just the quickstep-athon.

Cue credits! I see Ola is still here and has not been erased from history. Yet. [By my reckoning she's got about another 24 hours. - Steve]

Tess and Claudia enter, accompanied by Aljaž and Kevin. Daly dresswatch: white, strapless, not a bad colour, but the texture is reminiscent of quilted toilet roll. What Winkleman’s wearing: a black dress with black and white stripes at the bottom. They remind us that this is Blackpool hangover week, so everyone’s going to feel a bit hung over, someone will vomit down their dress, the judges will be randomly grouchy and everyone’s lives will feel that little bit more meaningless now that Blackpool is over. So, everyone’s favourite week of the year, yes?

The judges Strictly on. Len is now suitably recovered enough to join in this nonsense.

Our contestants enter: Kellie and Kevin; Anita and Gleb; Katie and Anton; Helen and Aljaz; Georgia and Giovanni; Peter and Janette; Jay and Aliona. For those keeping track of the jigging: Jay, Peter and Anita have pretty much given up, but the others are still putting in a decent show. Tess notes that everyone left has received either a nine or ten, so could all potentially be winners. Maybe. At least these final contestants do feel a little bit more closely matched than the final seven in some series.

The first couple of the evening are Kellie and Kevin and their VT shows Kellie wearing a Fifties ra-ra skirt to practice a salsa which is a bit random, and Kevin doing lots of flipping her over her arm and basically causing her whiplash, causing her to record loads of Blair Witch style moans to camera. However, in one of these, she appears to be lying in bed, but is wearing bright red lipstick, so I call shenanigans. Either that, or she is too tired to take her make up off, which wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility given her schedule. [I wouldn't want to be washing her pillowcases. - Steve] Kevin very excitedly says that if they get a millimetre wrong, she could have a broken nose. I know this is perhaps not your most exciting partnership to date yet Kevin, but try and be a little bit less hostile to your celeb. You could have had a duffer, you know.

They are dancing their salsa to ‘I Want You Back’ (Jackson Five version). It opens with a horrible graphic involving text messaging and emoji/emojii/emojis (anyone know the correct plural form?) where Kevin says he’s ‘Sorry Kellie Babes’. Should you be sending texts like that to her when your wife is a dancer on this show and her husband is Danny Dyer? (At least according to what this show has me believe.) The routine is really fun and energetic, but Kevin has packed it so full of lifts, twists and random drags along the floor, that the overall result is a bit of a mess. How much of it is pure salsa, I’m not entirely sure, but there were at least some of the moves in there, so it’s better than their last Latin at any rate. I enjoyed watching that, but it was sloppy as all hell.

Len says he’s going to put his response in text talk and says ‘G R 8’ and then Kellie and Kevin take several moments to calculate that in their heads and realise he means great. As they and I are of a similar generation, I sympathise. I freaking hate text speak and it takes much longer to decipher than normal words. He also tells Kellie that she has a bionic bum, and I’m not sure a man of his age should be ogling a child actress in this post Yewtree world. (As we have already established, she is still that girl from T-Bag/The Upper Hand to us). Bruno says the first of the ‘magnificent seven’ (sigh. Every year.) have started beautifully this evening and he thought they were like two courting fireflies all over the place.  He notes it was really fast and difficult, but there were some dismounts that looked clumsy. Craig says he liked the Joan Collins-style stroppy opening, whereby Kellie threw a glass of glitter all over Kevin and he did really like the look, although there were a few problems in the lifts. Darcey says that she thinks the problem with the lifts was that Kellie was trying to do too much work, rather than letting Kevin lift her, which actually seems like a vaguely sensible comment from Darcey, somewhat worryingly. Tess tells Kellie to take her bionic bum upstairs. Honestly Tess, you’ve gone full on Prisoner Cell Block H this series. Well, I suppose with the lack of male guns to lust over, you have to have some target for your affections.

In the Clauditorium, Kellie says this has been the most exhausting week so, and she was really struggling to find a lift that worked for them. Scores: eight, eight, nine, nine for a total of 34. Kellie says she is happy and Claudia points out that it’s three marks lower than what they got last week. God, Blackpool hangover week, what a downer.

Claudia then reminds us that the quickstep-athon is coming up and has a group rendition of the terms and conditions. The best parts of this are: a) Gleb wandering in late and then bobbing about trying to get his face noticed and cheerfully joining in, which I kind of love, because you know that somebody like Artem would never have done this b) Peter Andre arriving late to the party and barely getting in shot c) Aliona clearly keeping her way out of this nonsense d) Oti having complete hysterics over the whole thing and laughing into Jay’s chest e) the bit at the end where everyone says ‘thanks. Tess’ and it sounds like they are actually thanking Tess for writing the terms and conditions.

Second on are Katie and Anton. She has some very elaborate work going on with her hair extensions this week and proper Argentine Tango make up: all deep burgundy lips and smoky eyes, despite wearing a turquoise a green dress with a love heart on, which diminishes the mood, looking like a doll’s party dress up outfit rather than something sultry and moody. Tess says the AT is all about looking at someone's legs, but people always look at Katie's. What was I just saying about Tess tonight? Their VT focuses on Anton being delirious about their scores last week and the kicks going a bit wrong in rehearsals, causing Katie to need an ice pack on her foot. We also get footage of her practising at home, where it looks like she’s had an Ikea delivery that she hasn’t built and has left hanging about in a corner. Me too, Katie. Let’s see is either of us can get our furniture built before the series is over.

Their Argentine Tango is to ‘Libertango’. Anton is in deep green and Katie in the turquoise-green, which looked really glaring as they were prepping, but with the red lights and the Argentine Tango music, the colours don’t look as jarring as I expected, especially as the horrible heart shape on her chest is obscured when she’s in hold. You can tell Anton didn’t choreograph this dance, because as Anton Latin goes, it’s actually something that plausibly resembles the genre it’s supposed to. The dance is generally quite good-the lifts, in particular, work better than I expected these two could manage in this dance. Some of the legwork is a little bit sloppy from both of them and at a couple of points they get stuck on each other, but they recover very quickly and the final lift and turn works really nicely. Overall, I think they acquitted themselves well with that one. It isn’t up there perhaps with last week’s high point, but certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

Bruno calls it ‘drop dead gorgeous’ but he said her kicks did need a bit more action and retraction. Craig says when she’s coming out of the ganchos, she needs to balance more off Anton’s thighs. I’m sorry, going to have to go to the kitchen for a bit, I feel an urgent need to get out the brain bleach and liberally dose myself with it.…

Okay, back now. Have I missed anything important? Craig says she was reacting a little bit late to Anton’s leads and wobbled somewhat in the spins, but apart from the mistakes it was wonderful. Darcey opens with the fact that Katie is beautiful. She is, Darcey, but it’s a bit annoying that that has to be your opening gambit on a dance show. She says there were moments where Darcey’s legs were shaking, but she can see the intensity and the amount of work that had gone in stop Len says it was a fantastic dance that had a lot of work on Internet, but it didn’t always give a sense of an act, or transporting him to a place. At this, the audience all awww, and he gets really snarky and says he should have brought a hard hat. So this one is clearly suffering the effects of post-Blackpool come down, at least. You can tell he’s going to be fun tonight.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Katie joined the show in order to do this dance. What a weirdo. Everyone else wants to do the Charleston. Or, the less ambitious ones, a lovely waltz. She says it is everything that she wanted to be and that she had a great week learning it. Claudia asks Anton if he ever thought he would stay in long enough to do an Argentine Tango. Hohoho, you’ve made it about as far as Ann Widdecombe, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Scores: seven, eight, eight, nine for a total of 34. Anton says he doesn’t understand why he keeps getting 30s.

The next couple are Helen and Aljaž. Their VT mostly features Helen trying to take the woobie crown off Jay (can women be woobies? Let’s say, in the spirit of equal opportunities, that they can) all being upset about last week’s mean comments from mean judges and struggling in rehearsals, and about letting Aljaž down.

Their Viennese waltz opens in sepia tones as ‘At Last’ kicks in – and the singers, can I just note, have generally been much better this series – perhaps the whole sucking thing was them sabotaging the show until they got name-checked as they now do. The story is that Helen is a wistful lady sat at her gramophone, when a beautiful man enters the room and takes her for a beautiful dance. Fortunately, that’s about as much theming as this thing needs, and for the rest of the time, it sells itself by being a very nice Viennese waltz. Helen has lots of lace in her skirt that works really well with the spins and it’s somewhat less frenetic than some of the vomit inducing Viennese waltzes we’ve had this year so far, but it is still very accomplished. They cover lots of the floor, the spins work really well, and there are some nice contemporary touches that even I, who ignores the narratives of dances quite a lot, would recognise as good storytelling in which they touch each other’s faces lovingly. The whole thing is endearingly sweet and Helen clearly knows that they’ve done well as she ends with an enormous, satisfied grin on her face.

Tess said it looks pretty perfect from where she was standing and Helen is all ‘LOL Tess you know about as much of these things as Bruce did, hold your horses’. Craig says the storytelling was excellent and the dance worked really well both in and out of hold and it sounds like she’s going to give his first 10. Darcey says it was like being in Helen’s dream - which, for Darcey, is probably a bit like Being John Malkovich given Helen’s scary devotion. When Darcey calls the dance perfection, you can see in Helen’s face that she is about to lose it, and I know Steve, for one, was dying for this to happen. Len asks her to tickle his bum and call him Donald. I don’t really care if the Donald he is referring to is Trump, Duck, or Where’s Me Troosers, that is way too much about Len’s particular fetishes then I have ever wished to know thank you. Bruno says everything came together perfectly and Helen is crying at this point. He says the lightness of the footwork made it look weightless, and Helen looks like she’s about to explode. Bruno calls it her breakthrough dance. Yes, because she’s really been struggling to get those high scores so far, hasn’t she?

Aljaž cheers and fist pumps as they bound up to the Clauditorium and Helen says she is about to faint, so Aljaž puts his hands all the way round her waist. I’d tell Aljaž I’d like to faint if… etc. Helen then gets full on emotional about wanting to do well for him and everybody and has little cry again and I can’t wait until semi-finals week, surely by then she will be touching the divine? (If she’s still here, of course)

Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39. I did think that might be the first 40 of the series going on Craig’s comments, but I guess we will see what random dance receives that accolade next week. I mean, it might not happen next week, but…

Claudia says that if you don’t want to see Helen in the dance off, which will be after seeing the gramophone from her dance on the Antiques Roadshow, then vote. Claudia, love, the Antiques Roadshow is on after Strictly tomorrow night. Get a Radio Times.

We then have a VT of what’s coming up, including Peter Andre trying to make his ‘turn an Australian rough into an American smooth’ joke, which was bad enough when he attempted it on It Takes Two. Tess says she’s really looking forward to the quickstep-athon and Claudia says she has a way to make it more exciting. Tess asks what that will be, and Claudia produces a big bag of marbles. I actually giggled and would also kind of enjoy seeing that, especially if it was only Andre that they took out. Tess keeps going, as Claudia starts to throw marbles at the dance floor. Unfortunately, Jay and Aliona next, and you just know his fan base will be looking for any excuse as to why he is not on top, and the marbles dunnit would be a natural choice for blame.

Their VT sees both of them wearing fairly hideously patterned shirts to train. Has he been loaning her his to make them more in sync with one another? For those of you interested in the progression of Jay’s hair, it is still growing all over the place. Oh, and the VT message? Jay learns from Aliona and he enjoys it. There is nothing to see here people. Maybe we should watch what we wish for with only desiring training VTs.

They are dancing the tango to ‘When Doves Cry’. She is wearing blood red, he burgundy and black, with blue lighting effects and torches flaming around the stage. It looks great and Aliona, in particular, is really selling it. She can do the vamp thing really well, as we know. Jay’s tango face looks a little bit like somebody has mildly irritated him, but he does a pretty respectable job of the moves. He does look more comfortable when they are moving around the floor than when he is having to support Aliona in posing, though. His kicks are good, as we would have expected from his jive and it ends with him catching Aliona’s head on one of his arms. Overall, a decent attempt with music that actually suited the tango for a change.

Tess says that the intensity between these two is like there was no one else in the room and then she does a little ‘roar’ noise. Oh Tess, do you really want to fan the flames of showmance with these two? I know you love that kind of thing, but given that she is married and that the papers have already been speculating on this one, I am not sure you are helping matters exactly. However, no sooner has Tess said this than Darcey goes all swooning fangirl over the pairing, declaring that they are basically one and hearing the music together. All right, Darcey, take it to An Archive Of Our Own. Len says they missed a couple of heel leads and he gets booed again, but this time just says I look at the feet, rather than having a full on snit fit. However, it is yet another mango of a Tango, so all is well for Aliona and J. Bruno calls him the ‘macho’ on a mission. Macho. Jay. Mmmkay then. Craig adores that Jay hears the music and thoughts the dance was clean and staccato, he wasn’t keen on some of the kicks, but overall adored it. As this happens, I am mesmerised by Jay’s hair line. It looks like something is going on to keep his hair in place and I can’t figure out if it’s a hairnet, band, hairpiece or what.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia asks Aliona about how she doesn’t use music for the first days, as mentioned on it takes two. Aliona clarifies that this is mainly just the first day and then they get really into music. OMG, call Ofcom, more BBC LIEZ! Scores: nine, ten, nine, ten for a total of 38 and their highest score so far.

Peter and Janette are next up and Tess pronounces Janette’s name with a real emphasis on the ‘rah rah’. I guess if Ola isn’t here, Tess still has to mangle somebody’s name. Peter reminds us in his VT that he sucked last week, but e’s ever so umble guvna and we now have our first VT that deviates from training room footage - of course that would be Peter - but after some random chat in the greasy spoon that they pretend is a bakery, we do actually get to the training room and to be honest, it all looks a bit sloppy, so let’s hope the dancing is better than the training footage.

They are dancing the American smooth to ‘I Get the Sweetest Feeling'. It starts with Peter grabbing a cupcake from the stand to give to Janette and then they prance about cuddling the cupcake for ages and ages and it looks as if it’s going to be there throughout the whole dance, which is somewhat cumbersome, however, not as cumbersome as the moment where Janette gives to Peter and he slopes over to the table to put it back on and it all just looks a right mess. Peter really does have the kind of cheesy performance face that an American smooth desires and I had thought that this dance would totally suit him because of this, but whilst he gets the spirit of the dance, he is fairly ungainly in a lot of the movement. His frame is really undefined and his steps are quite stuttery in places. There is a decent lift and the chemistry between the two of them in this particular dance is quite sweet, but a return to form it isn’t. Well, I say form, but besides his Charleston, I can’t remember a single one of his dances that was scored well. What I do remember are his car crash Pirates of the Caribbean dance and last week’s disaster of a jive.

As they bound over to Tess, Peter and Tess get covered in frosting so people, get writing fic if that so pleases you. Len picks up on there being quite a number of stumbles and problems, but says he loves watching the pair of them dumped and it was a great performance. Bruno said it was so sweet that he got a sugar rush and they really got into the story. He thinks Peter was really good interpreting the theme but the name of the dance is a clue-it requires smooth movement, which was lacking as Peter was fairly stuttery throughout.  Craig says he would prefer stronger lines, especially in moments like putting the cupcake on the table. Darcey gets really annoyed this Craig says he could still have danced over to do that, and she huffs. I'm team Craig on this one. If you're going to use props in your dance, then make them part of the, well, dancing. (To be fair, I suppose they don’t really get much time to rehearse in the correct size space with the props, but Janette or whoever was involved in the theming for this dance should really have considered that.) Darcey says he did well to come back from a dance off (and being the British public’s latest reality scandal hate figure) with real confidence and she thought the one-handed lift was really impressive. She says it looked careful in places and he was holding back, but it was an impressive performance.

Up to the Clauditorium they bound, still holding the cupcake and Tess tells them that Claudia has a sweet tooth, so Janette gives it to her, whilst Claudia hands Peter a tissue. Peter says this was the most nervous he’d been and he knew he needed to work hard. She says Janette pushed him really hard and Janette says it’s a difficult line with the pros to discipline them yet still have fun and that beta works really hard. Scores: seven (at which Darcey massively side eyes Craig), eight (lol Darcey like your eight and Craig’s seven aren’t the same score in effect), eight, eight for a total of 31.

We now come to Anita and Gleb, and fanfiction Tess hasn’t stopped yet, as she goes on and on about how Gleb is a hard task master and kept making Anita practice romantic moves and how Tess would basically like to be in her place. All right, EL James. To be fair on Tess, I don’t really perceive Vernon Kay as being much of a dominant type.

Anita’s VT focuses on she was overwhelmed to get a 10, which feels a little bit like a journey coming to the end story, only I hope not, as I feel like there’s a lot more to come from these two and obviously they’re my favourites. There is then a lot of Gleb getting all Patrick Swayze on Anita and her saying she finds the rumba quite an uncomfortable dance and she’s not sure what to do with her hips and knees. 

They open with Gleb standing in front and Anita standing behind a screen containing a page of fiction. I am informed by people on Twitter that this is an extract from Persuasion, so if that’s wrong, blame them. [It was definitely Persuasion. Such a bizarre choice! - Steve] They are dancing to Read All About It and are both in whites, Anita with a dress that has an enormous arm hanky going all the way down to her ankle on one side and a leotard on the other side. I am not sure whether I was excited or nervous for a Gleb rumba, given the Gleb special, but he refrains from deploying that in this particular dance. Instead, he fairly unsurprisingly opts for quite a lot of contemporary dance wafting and some of that is really lovely, but clearly not one for the purity of dance crowd. Anita is trying really hard with the performance side of this, although sometimes you can see that she doesn’t really believe it. There are one or two clumsy drags and an awkward bit where he shoves her through his legs, but it has a nice vibe and gets one of the loudest responses from the audience of the evening.

Tess says it was so gorgeous and romantic that she didn’t know where to look. My God, what is with her tonight? Bruno says he could see the love unfolding in front of his eyes and it was so soft and rounded and that they were using their bodies in a way that spoke to one another and he says that Anita was really angular at the start of the competition and that’s gone now. He said sometimes her hip action could have been more pronounced, but it was a beautiful dance. Craig says he has a fairly opposite perspective as he thought it was a bit spiky with a bit too much attack. The audience resoundingly boo at this. Craig says he loves the contemporary feel and it could have done with more pressure on the ball of her foot and a straighter leg in places, but she’s turned into a really fine actress. [SHADE. - Steve] Darcey says it’s very difficult but Anita gave a very polished performance and she believes in her is that Gleb is working her well, at which Tess gets incredibly excited. Darcey says if using is missing technically, as the boys said (drink), there were some parts where when she was turning should be more careful about her placement. Random purity of dance Len moments of the week: he didn’t enjoy it and he can only tell the truth (loll). He moans that there was a lift in it when there shouldn’t be and the audience boo, at which he snaps they did a lift what you want me to say. And what was all that through the leg business, throwing her through your legs question where is all the lovely basic rumba and he hates all the contemporary dance wafting. The audience boo him loudly and he points to his dicky bow and says ‘I’m a senior citizen, respect your elders’. This is pretty much the only time I wish Brucie was still here, as being older than Len, he could have shot that comment down in flames. Or, you know, snitted a little bit.

Tess reiterates that it was hot and sends them back up to the Clauditorium, where the camera gives a nice lingering shot of Gleb’s chest peeking out through his fairly see-through shirt. Claudia says that everyone in the Clauditorium thought this was the best rumba and Anita said Gleb knew he was taking a risk with the choreography, but she enjoyed it and she feels that dancing is giving her a voice she never knew she had. Or. Scores: seven, eight, seven (Len gets booed loudly for this), and an ‘I thought this was brilliant’ nine, for a total of 31. That got the same mark as Peter? Seems a bit harsh given that the judges’ comments were much more positive towards Anita than Peter (Len aside). Oh well, looks like all my three votes are going to them this week, rather than my usual practice of giving them two and somebody else one. Claudia says if you like the routine, recreating your kitchen first and then phone to save them. But obviously make sure you do that before the vote closes so that they don’t end up in the dance off, thanks. Claudia asks Gleb if he just did the box splits and he says he tried to, and then he has another go and holds his hands out begging for votes. Gleb <3

The final couple of the evening are Georgia and Giovanni and we are reminded that last weekend they topped the leaderboard via recycling the moon from Over the Rainbow. Their VT talks about them dancing to 'The Final Countdown' and Georgia says it’s a great title, because it’s the countdown to the final. I like the way she says ‘great title’, which implies she doesn’t actually know the song. Oh, children.

Their Paso Doble opens with the floor bearing a giant GG logo, Giovanni sitting behind a GG drum kit, and Georgia sitting on a speaker. The opening few bars, Giovanni stays behind the drum kit, leaving Georgia to do some solo work, shimmying her skirts, acting as the cape and grimacing down the camera in her vaguely menacing way. The way her hair and make-up has been done tonight makes her look exactly like Kristen Stewart. This dance has a lot of roar in it, it’s all overblown and very rock opera. It’s quite fun, but lacking a little bit in precision in places. There’s also a slightly unfortunate moment where it looks like she’s going to give him a blow job, but fortunately that doesn’t last too long. It ends with him looking like he's strangling her and then dropping her to the floor. Not sure what that particular bit was about. Overall, a very enjoyable routine, if a little bit untidy in places. The audience really love this one as well and give it a massive standing ovation.

Craig says he missed some of the full Spanish lines and her shoulders weren’t back enough, but otherwise it was a really dynamic routine and thought it was fantastic. Darcey says had plenty of drama and energy and she does think she takes too much into her shoulders and her arms do get a little bit soft rather than the fixed lines the Paso needs, but it had fabulous energy is a great performance. Len said there was too much stress wafting. She was the cape, Len. He said it was a bit too aggressive in places, but it was a lovely performance overall. Bruno calls her a little pocket rocket and said the dance was like Mad Max, but her shoulders were tense and that meant the Spanish lines didn’t come across very well.

As they go to the Clauditorium, Natalie and Kristina hold a little arch for them to come through, and there isn’t time for them to talk to Claudia. Scores: eight, eight, eight, nine for a total of 33. So, Blackpool hangover week strikes again, with only really Helen and Aljaž and Jay and Aliona coming out triumphant and everybody else falling a little bit flat, despite none of the dances being entirely terrible (Peter’s was the worst, obviously). Half-time leaderboard?

Helen and Aljaž 39
Jay and Aliona 38
Kellie and Kevin 34
Georgia and Giovanni 33
Katie and Anton 32
Anita and Gleb 31
Peter and Janette 31.

There’s quite a gap there between second and third place, for this stage of the competition.

Claudia reminds us that the night is not over yet and there’s the quickstep-athon to come. Len explains this, via footage of Karen and Pasha as Natalie and Tristan dancing. The rules of the quickstep-athon are that the couples must stay on the dancefloor and in hold the whole time, and their starting positions have been determined by picking numbers from a. He says they will be penalised if there is poor technique or floorcraft. He says they have to keep going round the floor anticlockwise and not push and shove each other. The weakest couple will get one mark, in this VT that honour goes to Karen and Pasha, whilst the top couple, in this instance Natalie and Tristan, will get seven.

Tess says there was a lot of information to take in there, save go to the website and watch that VT again, if you really really care about the nitty-gritty of the rules of the rigathon. Claudia asks Len for advice and he says you get a direct comparison as the couples of all dancing together and there won’t be any ties. I am not sure where the advice to the contestants was in that particular comment.

Given that this is meant to be a quickstep (to ‘Sing Sing’), a lot of them are going incredibly slowly around the floor, particularly Peter and Janette and Georgia and Giovanni. It’s difficult to tell exactly who is doing what’s with there being seven couples, but Peter and Janette look pretty dull; Kellie and Kevin starts quite well, but then they get to a point where they sort of stop and Kevin basically just hops up and down for an eternity; Anton and Katie almost have the opposite problem just kind of skipping around the floor without much nuance in their dancing; Helen grins her head off throughout and the camera mainly focuses on this rather than her footwork, which is good tactics from her; Jay and Aliona seem pretty polished; there isn't much focus on Anita and Gleb or Georgia and Giovanni, but they seem to acquit themselves reasonably from what we do see. Sadly, no one crashes into one another, but there are moments where several couples cluster in different places. Unlike other dance-athons, all of the couples danced the whole routine, rather than the judges sending them off at various points. The judges then crowd over the table like the X Factor judges after Boot Camp and Claudia and Tess try to get them to talk to them instead of deliberating, which doesn’t really work all that well, although Bruno acquiesces and says that they will be looking at the frame when there are any mistakes, the timing, whether it was smooth and so on. It looks like he doesn’t get to have much say in the decision. He says they can’t rush the decision, and Claudia says ‘we are live and kind of have to rush’ and then she asks Craig if he can say something and he says the couples did an amazing job and he doesn’t think he could go through what they’re going through. This series really does seem to have seen the mantle of MEEN JUDGE pass from Craig to Len doesn’t it?

Peter and Janette are declared seventh; Kellie and Kevin sixth (which she doesn’t look impressed about); fifth Jay and Aliona; Anita and Gleb coming fourth (which they seem quite happy about); Katie and Anton third; Georgia and Giovanni second, with Helen and Aljaž the winners and Helen looking ecstatic.

Darcey says the dance is about having a lightness of spirit and it needs to be composed and the dances need to not be affected by anyone else, and Helen and Aljaž did that. Craig says this was the first time Peter had to really lead (?!) and it’s hard to do that FOR MEN.

So let’s have a look at what that’s done to the leaderboard:

Helen and Aljaz 39+7 = 46
Jay and Aliona 38+3 = 41
Georgia and Giovanni 33+6 = 39
Katie and Anton 32+5 = 37
Kellie and Kevin 34+2 = 36
Anita and Gleb 31+4 = 35
Peter and Janette 31+1= 32

So that hasn’t done an awful lot to the scores, beside breaking up some ties - Kellie and Kevin look like the most affected.

And that’s it for our performance show. Tomorrow night the results and someone will be going home. Will it be Peter, or will we lose one of the women again (or J, but let’s be honest, probably not)? Also Il Divo are performing because the universe hates me.  Tess tells Claudia to ‘snuggle in’ and keeeeep dancing.  Join me tomorrow to see who leaves!