We've only just begun. Oops, too late

Results show
Tx Sunday 28th September 2008

Last night was Ladies' Night! You know what happened, but we're going to get reminded of it anyway! Tonight one couple will leave the show for good, because that's the whole premise!

Titles!

We welcome back the celebs and their partners, and Bruce and Tess, in a nipple-skimming purple rag. Bruce does some awful Antiques Roadshow analogising, before Tess takes over to recap. And then we get more recapping plus hot! backstage! action!

Jessie and Darren were bottom, but her dad has money on her to win, even though Roger Lloyd Pack thinks she was "clunky, but gorgeous as well"; Lisa apologises to Brendan, who then strops off like a child; Jodie's sister confirms her nervousness; Heather's fella deems her "awesome"; Christine was gobsmacked when Craig said nice things, and Adrian Chiles thought she was fantastic, hmm; Rachel has a gran, who is not a patch on either of Alesha's magnificent nans; Rachel's fiance is happy for Vincent to flirt with her, as long as nothing else happens; Len thinks the girls were better dancers but the boys were more fun.

The judges witter on and basically repeat what they said last night. Craig can't wait for the "war on the floor", and Bruce wishes he'd thought of that himself.

More filler - VTs about our new pros. Kristina's favourite dance is salsa; Hayley says ballroom is her forte; and Brian is good at street-style salsa. He has danced on Dancing with the Stars, but Strictly is the best; Kristina's family is proud of her; Hayley is excited to be in the UK, although she is going out with the All Blacks captain, but he is proud of her too, so that's OK. They do a random routine to Walk This Way.

Because half of the boys will have to do a jive next week, Jill Halfpenny is back to show them how it's done. She reminisces about being exhilarated at her victory; Craig says her jive won her the competition; Len is fascinated to see her back in the ballroom. Jill notes that both she and Darren are going grey now. (Also, her upper arms are looking more matronly than I remember. - Steve) He isn't happy. Anyway, they jive to I'm Still Standing (she in a poorly-cut dress) and they get a standing ovation. Backstage, Gary is inspired by the performance; Cherie tries and fails to come over as modest by talking up all the other women; Jessie says that if she has to dance off, she'll do her best to correct the errors. Good plan.

And because the other half of the boys will have to tango, the pro dancers do a group dance to Beat It, all clenched-jaw passionate intensity, and in Ola's case, hair-chewing as she snaps her head in the turns. Backstage, Andrew doesn't think his tango will be as good as that. You think? John has lost a stone in five weeks of training. Everyone whoops.

VT. Gary has realised it is a competition. John is a lot fitter, and seems quite excited about the tango. Andrew has no idea what he's doing. Ola pulls a face to the camera, and I'm not even sure she knows she's doing it. Back in the ballroom, Sally Lindsay knows Christine from a drunken wedding in Ireland, thus she is supporting her; Dermot Murnaghan is friends with "Gentleman John Sergeant" from the old ITN days. Bruce thanks them for being there. Bizarreness. And then we have to watch the boys do their group merengue again. Srsly, this is such a fucking waste of time.

This week on It Takes Two - Marian Keyes! Hooray! (Yay! I hope she swears again! - Steve)

Before we can get the results, we need to prolong this further with a performance from the Sugababes, complete with routine from Kristina and Brian, Vincent and Flavia and James and Ola. Sigh. I love the pro routines to a point, but I hate the special guest stars, even when I like them.

Finally. The couples who are safe are: Rachel and Vincent; Jessie and Darren (who are AMAZED); Heather and Brian; Cherie and James (who says, "Well done, gorgeous"); Christine and Matthew; and Lisa and Brendan. (I loved how Bruce read out Jessie and Darren's names so quickly and matter-of-factly, to the extent that no one seemed to take it in for a few seconds. - Steve)

So it's Jodie and Ian and Gillian and Anton to dance off. Craig says he will save the dynamic, showbizzy Jodie and Ian; Arlene opts to keep the couple who have improved phenomenally in such a short space of time, Jodie and Ian; Bruno says Jodie and Ian delivered a performance that made him gasp, and thus they are safe. Len would have saved them too, though that's a moot point.

Gillian apologises to poor Anton, who gets screwed over on this show time and again, and they take to the floor for their last dance to We've Only Just Begun. Oh, the irony. Bruce keeps insisting that this is the best first week for ladies EVAH, and Tess tries to look traumatised. Next week, the boys are back in town. Join us then!