End of the Rhodes

Week 3 results
Tx: Sunday 5th October 2008

This week on Strictly, the boys were back in town. The stakes were raised and some of the men rose to the challenge - Austin and Tom - while others fell to the back of the pack - Gary. Tonight, one of them will leave the competition - for good! Titles!

Daly Dresswatch: hot pink, strapless, black belt. I preferred the Grecian gown she had on last night. Bruce whips up some sympathy for Anton getting voted out last week, and says Anton's mum is upset because now he spends more time at home. This is all-out war, isn't it? [Anton will triumph. - Carrie] "Last" "night", the men tangoed and jived. Bruce says that it's an early bath for one couple - but who's going to get the tap end? The joke gets a much better reception than it actually deserves.

Coming up this evening, to distract us from the ridiculous wait for the results: the pro dancers will rumba, Andrea Bocelli will be singing, and Vincent and Flavia will be show-dancing. [Yawn. - Carrie] First, time for a recap!

Gary was terrible - and made Craig turn to God [and made Bruno churn out a "blowjobs" joke - Carrie]. Matt Di Angelo says it was clear that Gary was counting, but "he stayed in time for most of it". And, it is tempting to add, didn't just give up and sit down on the stairs like some people. [Chortle. - Carrie] Willie Thorne thinks Gary is more of a ballroom man than a Latin man. With any luck, we'll never find out. Gary says he should have done better and might have to dance-off. Ya think? Andrew and Ola inexplicably tangoed to '20th Century Boy', and did headbanging - Head Judge Len didn't like it, but that doesn't even matter. Backstage, they hope they've entertained the viewers at home so that we vote for them. The judges are discussing Andrew's posture - Len says that with his head down and his bottom out, he looked like a question mark, and Bruno agrees. Andrew's wife Sophia thinks he might end up in the dance-off, but doesn't reveal whether she witnessed any of the naked practising.

John Sergeant made the tango his own - there wasn't really any drama or passion, but somehow he got away with it. John says he and Kristina were determined to enjoy themselves, and he doesn't care if it wasn't aggressive enough. Awww, he is like a big political teddy-bear, isn't he? What's with all this interviewing the judges backstage now? Craig says that he doesn't care about John's lovely face, it wasn't a tango, which is a bit harsh. Len says it was a competent performance. Mark dull-as-fuck Foster and Hayley's tango was worse, for my money. Mark's mum is pleased that the judges told him he'd improved. Mark thought it was good, having improved on his first week score of 22 by two points.

Don and Lilia's was the best tango of the evening. Bruno could feel the menace. Well, he is an Actor *sweeping arm movement*. Arlene was excited, although it doesn't take much. Don seems really thrilled with his performance, but Len thinks he's going to be a one-trick pony. Christian Solimeno (yeah, me neither, I had to iMDb him - he was in Footballers' Wives) thinks Don was brilliant. [Aw, I heart Christian Solimeno. Though fuck knows why he's on this. - Carrie]

Tom and Camilla jived to 'Black and Gold' in black and gold. See what they did there? Arlene wants to get him and Austin together, but I'm not sure she's planning a jive-off. Matt Di Angelo thinks Tom looks like a professional dancer and is a bit jealous. Tom's fiancee liked it when Tom dived through Camilla's legs, which: too many jokes. Backstage, Tom and Camilla are hi-fiving each other. Austin and Erin are growing on me, and it's not just the effect of Austin's arms being revealed in all their glory. Len didn't like being winked at. Bruno thinks the other couples should be scared. Austin reveals that he nearly kicked Erin in the back of the head when he got overexcited. Sally Phillips thinks Austin is hot, his wife thought he was great, and Martin Johnson says he was annoyingly good [and visibly prevents himself from swearing - Carrie].

Bruce says he's had a complaint that the booing of the judges is turning the show into a pantomime, and he'd just like to say: oh no it isn't! Is it pantomime season already? So, how glad is Len to have saved Don? Len replies that one of the joys of the show is that "certain dances suit certain people", and implies that if Gary stays in, he might eventually get a dance which is right up his street, but I sincerely doubt it. Arlene says that this series of Strictly is "like a game of snakes and ladders", with Tom and Austin at the top, and "the other boys sliding down the snakes". That woman has a way with metaphors, doesn't she?

Time for the professionals to show us what a rumba should look like, which some of the ladies will have to do next week. It's basically like having sex to music, but with clothes on, which makes a group rumba a bit like an orgy on the dancefloor. My, that Kristina is rather limber, isn't she? Darren and Lilia's rumba is one of the least convincing.

In the House of Tesstosterone, it is revealed that Lisa and Brendan will be rumba-ing next week. Lisa says she's trying to get into character and pretend they're in love. She wants to not be as nervous as she was last time. Tess is like: Brendan, loving? You wish. Gary hopes the public will save him, because the whole point of coming on the show was that he wanted to learn how to do ballroom. And there I thought it was about raising money for charidee. On behalf of licence-fee-payers everywhere, Rhodes: pay for your own fucking lessons.

Now, you thought Flavia was gone for good, but she's back with Vincent to do a show dance to 'Endless Love'. Ooh, I like Flavia's dress. The bodice is covered in silver sparkles and the skirt is all raggedy. There's not much of a point to this, though, except presumably the BBC still have to pay Flavia even though she's been voted off, so they might as well get value for money. It's not good enough for a standing ovation from the judges though, unlike Jill and Darren's jive last week.

Back again to the House of Tesstosterone: Andrew doesn't want to go out, but doesn't want anyone else to go out. He'd like to tango with Ola again, but not in the dance-off. Austin hopes he's back next week, but "you never know". In some cases you do, Austin. Tess doesn't want to lose any of the lads. Heh.

Pointless filler VT: the girls are still training hard. Being in the bottom two was traumatising for Jodie, but she's "born and bred a fighter". Lisa's brain can't keep up with the rumba. Jessie's struggling with the quickstep because it's more controlled and graceful. Christine hasn't a clue what a quickstep is yet - but she likes it. Rachel wants to backflip down the stairs, but Vincent wants to save that for the final. Cherie has a lot to live up to, considering her high first-week scores. I can't wait to see her and James's "sensual" rumba - James is filthy, and we all know it. [*faints* - Carrie]

Unnecessary reiteration of "last" "night's" group swing. I know it was good, but do we really need to see it again? I do enjoy Cherie's dance face though. Why is Jessie piggybacking on Darren at the end?

Bruce is sitting in the audience with rugby player Will Greenwood. Bruce has to encourage the audience to applaud him. Bruce reminds us that Matt Dawson got to the final and asks: what it is about rugby players? I think we're wilfully choosing to ignore Kenny Logan at this juncture. Will tells Bruce not to "tar us with the same brush" because "it's the big lads who would struggle," and Austin and Matt are "gobby little scrum-halfs". How much do I not care? On Bruce's other side, Kate Garraway, who (knowingly?) greets Bruce, "Nice to see you". It's not often that Bruce misses out on a chance like that for a catchphrase. The public loved Kate, and saved her week after week - she jokes that it was because of her dancing. She says there are no Kate Garraways in this series, but wants everyone to get behind GMTV's Andrew Castle. If only there weren't so many people who are better than him. Bruce mocks her a bit, and she takes it in good spirits. [I love Kate. She is dignified and gracious, where a normal person would have thrown a hissy-fit and refused to return after the unwarranted meanness. - Carrie]

Anton has found his way into the House of Tesstosterone - you can't keep that man away. He was gutted to leave the competition last week because there's "nothing good about being knocked out", and he was inconsolable. Anton has a new dancing partner: Tess. WTF? Oh, for Children in Need. Tess is excited and nervous, and thinks she may be Anton's greatest challenge yet. He thinks she's right. Based on her lack of improvement over five-and-a-bit series, I'd have to agree.

Next week on It Takes Two with Claudia, it's all about the girls. Plus Anton, who loves the ladies. [Because he LIKES GIRLS. Do not forget this. Ever. - Carrie]

Bruce still has time for a chat with Bruno and Craig. He chooses to ask Bruno about Gary - what words of encouragement can Bruno give him? Bruno says that Gary has had a rough ride, having to do two Latin dances, which he's not very good at, but "his ballroom could be a revelation", he might turn out to be "a master of ballroom". I doubt him. Craig thinks it's obvious that Tom and Austin are frontrunners, but he reckons they have to watch their backs for Don because he believes Don could be "a real threat". Craig also wonders "what the girls are going to amalgamate" when everyone competes together.

Now, for no particular reason, Andrea Bocelli. [I'd rather have had Spaghetti Cat. - Steve]His eyebrows are remarkably emotive. Ooh, Anton and Erin - you can always rely on them for some interpretative dance. They do an impressive spin with Erin balanced on Anton's shoulder - look, no hands! That's pretty much the high point of the performance.

More VT madness - being under the spotlight is scary, etc. Andrew sounds a bit like he's reading poetry: "Heartrate massive. Everything crossed." Blah blah blah. Mark says that ten seconds feels like ten minutes. Yeah, it feels like that for us too, believe you me. Tom wouldn't mind if there was a power cut when he's in the spotlight.

Finally, the results! The couples who are through, in no particular order, are: Tom and Camilla; Andrew and Ola; Austin and Erin; John and Kristina; Don and Lilia. That means Mark and Hayley and Gary and Karen have to dance-off. I think they're probably the right people to be in the dance-off, and may make Steve a psychic. Surely it must be goodbye to Gary Rhodes. Len says that Mark needs to bring more passion to his tango, and Gary needs to just go out there and enjoy his jive. Mark and Hayley are first to dance. Mark looks a bit like a lanky ogre at the beginning - it's his gangly hands. He has a look of intense concentration on his face, but also is acting it a bit better than he did "last" "night". There's nothing to be done about the stupid bit of foxtrot rise-and-fall in the choreography, though. Gary has a big smile plastered on his face. His footwork is okay, but there's no sense of musicality to Gary's dancing. He does do some nice flicks at one point. And my God, his hands are terrible. There's really no competition, is there?

Over to the judges - it's decision time. Craig says he's voting for the better couple in the dance-off, which is a no-brainer - Mark and Hayley. Arlene says that because she saw "the dark and smouldering side of the man", she's saving Mark and Hayley. Bruno has to go for "the couple that returned with added attack, invigorated, snarling" - Mark and Hayley. This means that Gary and Karen are out, and Head Judge Len doesn't get a vote. He agrees anyway, although he thought Gary made "a brave attempt". Bruce asks if Gary would go through all this again, and he says he would. He never got the ballroom dance he wanted, but maybe he'll have that privately. I'm not sure Karen does that sort of performance. They do their last dance to 'Midnight Train to Georgia', and I can't help feeling it's a shame they didn't use Boyz II Men's 'End of the Road'. Gary reveals too late that his strength may be in the slowdance.

That's your lot for this week. Next week, the ladies will be attempting either the rumba or the quickstep. Join us then!