No Kidding

Week 10 Results
Tx: 23rd November 2008

From London! Not live! This is the Strictly results show! Welcome back the celebrities and their professional partners, and I suppose while we're at it, we might as well welcome back Brucie and Tess. Daly Dresswatch: short, ugly, mustard strapless number with ruffles liberally draped off the front. It's nice to see us, to see us nice. Bruce says someone has written in, after his triumphant double act with Anton last week, to say he should dance with a diferent pro dancer every week - Lilia, Flavia and Ola. Tess gets the punchline again: "But Bruce, you forgot to sign it!" We didn't all see that one coming, did we? Tonight we'll be saying goodbye to one more couple, Vincent and Flavia will be performing a dance never before seen on Strictly - I can hardly wait - and John Barrowman will be performing. Plus! the celebs and their partners will be dancing up a disco storm. First, time for a feature-length recap!

Christine's cha-cha was wooden - I thought so, it's not just Craig. Also, I hate Len, and Matthew says he's a bit scared of him. Gloria Hunniford thinks Christine might end up in the dance-off, but clearly isn't taking account of regional voting. In the judges' green room, Len says Craig's critique was "miles off the mark", and Craig responds that he was being generous. Lulz! Jodie shocked everyone by not being totally shit at the jive. Her kicks were lumpy though, I thought. Ian is pleased to have got through it. Steve Guttenberg says it was one of the best jives he's ever seen, which suggests to me that he may not have seen very many jives. Either that or the jives on Dancing with the Stars are all terrible. [True story. - Carrie] The singers murdered 'It's Raining Men', and Austin messed up his footwork, possibly because he had dislocated a finger. Mike Tindall says Austin's never been shy of showing off his body. Craig thinks they're in a dangerous place because he didn't "accelerate technically". Lisa and Brendan were good, but still in mid-table danger. Lisa feels vulnerable, "even in third or fourth place". Yes, dear, because third or fourth place is only two or three places off the bottom. Mark Foster says it would be a shocker if Lisa was in the bottom two. Len likes that Brendan has been less egocentric with his choreography this series. Tom and Camilla failed to get any 10s again with their disdainful tango. They look pleased backstage though, and Tom says he thought they'd get less. Clare doesn't like the judges' big buts. [I do, and I cannot lie. - Steve] Rachel and Vincent wowed the judges again this week, including Craig, and ended up with four 10s. Rachel's brother Leigh gave her a standing ovation, but nobody else did. Rachel can't believe their perfect score. Len and Craig think a boy is in the lead at this stage, Bruno and Arlene think it's a girl. Apparently this proves that anyone can win.

Last week Bruce joked that Bruno was doing his colouring book, but apologises because he wasn't - "He was doing his list for Santa, and I hope you get your skateboard." [I love that Bruno is genuinely highly lolaired by Bruce making him the butt of his jokes. - Carrie] Bruce asks judges what they think about the whole week. Len says that any of the remaining couples could win or get kicked out, and everyone has to focus because next week they're doing two dances. He hopes that the best couple win. Bruno says that to say this season is the most competitive ever is an understatement, and everyone's in danger. Craig was pleased that "For once I got to dust off my 10, darling". He thinks Rachel deserved it because the foxtrot has "technical challenges for the girl", including the slow-quick-quick rhythm and the "nasty heel turns". He thought Vincent choreographed a "subtle but delicious" routine. Arlene says that doing two dances next week will be their "toughest challenge, physically and emotionally". They've had a taste of it doing the group dance this week, and "Some are more able than others". But like Len said, she has one word for them: focus.

Now a show dance, the melanga, apparently a forerunner of the Argentine tango. Vincent and Flavia (in their guise as Argentine tango experts, presumably) are here to show us. I am Bored Now, and they haven't even come on yet. Vincent looks like an extra from Bugsy Malone. It is all very good, but what's the point? Are they going to introduce this dance to the show? The judges give them a standing ovation.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tess observes that Rachel was clutching her chest like a proud mum during that dance. But how is Rachel going to top her perfect score next week? She talks a lot, while saying nothing. Christine is bottom of the leaderboard for the first time - how will she cope with the dance-off? She says that Matthew's good at keeping her energy and enthusiasm up, and she'll have to dance like she's never danced before. Does Austin feel he's in a dangerous spot, mid-table? Austin says that it's dangerous every week, but the quality this week has gone through the roof.

It's 30 years since 'Night Fever' was a hit, and that's as good an excuse as any for a group dance tribute to Saturday Night Fever, choreographed by Arlene. Carrie and I quite liked Arlene's choreography for Flashdance [especially the dancing scene-change people - Carrie], and I think this will be similarly of her era. [She choreographed the West End show Saturday Night Fever, and it was awesome. Arlene may not be the most articulate or sober of judges, but she sure as hell Knows Her Craft. - Carrie] [Just to pick up on that, I was reliably informed by a colleague this week that Arlene doesn't drink - like, at all. Who knew? - Steve] [Craig said that too. But she definitely clutches a glass of wine in the backstage VTs. And let's face it, if she's not drunk, that means these are her ACTUAL SOBER THOUGHTS that she speaks. - Carrie] In rehearsals, everyone's on their best behaviour. Jodie compares it to having a lesson with the headmistress. Arlene yells, "Get back here, Austin, and thrust!" which is something we know she's been working up to all series. Arlene is being picky, but she thinks it'll be a knockout. Here we go. Austin and Tom are dressed in Travolta white suits, and throw their jackets off. Then everyone else comes on. This must be So Much Fun, despite the sound of cats being mutilated emanating from the direction of the orchestra. Austin and Tom seem to be enjoying the Acting. The judges are all boogieing along. Bruce insists on a round of applause for Arlene, and tells her that his daughter always said what a good teacher she was. But, "Who got your temperature rising? It doesn't take much." Heh. Arlene replies that Tom's hips made her feverish. Len says that the two disco divas were Tom and Austin, without doubt, and all the professional dancers were stood behind copying them. Bruno thought Rachel and Lisa raised the temperature, and starts doing a striptease. Bruce nearly forgets to speak to Craig, and I'm not sure if that was scripted or just Bruce being doddery. Craig says that Christine's gorgeous smile lit up the dancefloor.

Claudia plugs It Takes Two, but doesn't tell us what's going to be on next week, because it can't possibly be as exciting as their one-hour John Sergeant special last week.

Tess is going to have a word with some of the audience. Felicity Kendal says that Rachel impressed her the most because she made it look effortless - which it IS NOT. Bruce is in the audience with Zara Phillips, and asks her about the rumour that she was going to be in this series. She said she did get asked but it's a bad time of year for her, but she loves watching it. Her squeeze Mike Tindall interjects that you have to be "old like Austin" to get on the show. Bruce flirts with Zara, ick ick ick. She thinks the boys are great, but the girls are right on their tails. Tindall butts in again to say that he's still supporting Austin. [Was highly amused at Bruce telling Zara, "Give my regards to your mother, it's ages since I've seen her", and then the entire studio audience laughing at the I-am-YOUR-FATHER subtext that Bruce didn't intend. - Carrie]

Now the performance we've all been waiting for: Star of the West End (but not for about ten years - star of the Birmingham Hippodrome panto, more like), TV favourite and acting coach extraordinaire John Barrowman, who has a new album out next week. That's Carrie's Christmas present sorted then. [You have RUINED the surprise! - Carrie] He's singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Off You' and there's really nothing to recommend it. It takes the efforts of six dancers to counteract the blandness. Darren and Brian are both dancing with two girls, which is just like in Take the Lead. Barrowman looks pleased with himself, and salutes at Bruce. Or maybe that was closet support for John Sergeant. Anyway, if that whetted your appetite, you can see John on tour in 2009!

It's Moment of Truth time! The four couples who will definitely be back to dance next week are: Rachel and Vincent, who look surprised even though they couldn't have ended up in the bottom two; Christine and Matthew, for God's sake; Tom and Camilla; Austin and Erin, as I suspected.

That means Jodie and Ian will go head to head with Lisa and Brendan in the dance-off. Len tells Lisa and Brendan that they did a great quickstep "earlier on", and they need to stay focused and perform as they did before. Jodie and Ian need to try and wow everybody. Lisa and Brendan are first to dance. Brendan bounces around on the stage waiting for the music to start. There's less gapping, so they've obviously been practising their hip-to-hip action between shows. I must say I love how Brendan is always choreographing dances to music from his dance movie DVD library. Now Jodie and Ian. I hate his singing along in the intro. Seriously, this dance has the cheesiest choreography ever. Jodie's kicks still aren't as sharp as they ought to be and her footwork is a bit too heavy.

Over to the judges. Who will leave Strictly for good? Craig says it was a spectacular dance-off, but his favourite was the quickstep, Lisa and Brendan. Arlene says that she was "palpitating" because it was fabulous, and would like to remind everyone to dance like that in the actual competition. Her vote goes to "the dance-off queen" - no, not Ian, Lisa and Brendan. Bruno says that "If you have to go out, you go out with a bang", not a whimper like Mr Sergeant. He thought they were two amazing performances, but one was brilliant - Lisa and Brendan. Head Judge Len once again doesn't get his casting vote. Jodie and Ian are out, even though they tried their best to get the sympathy vote for having flu. Len agrees with the result, and that it was a fantastic dance-off. Jodie has had a fabulous time on the show and thanks Ian. She says that she's made "some beautiful friends", the shallow cow, and has had an amazing journey - drink! Tess asks if Jodie and Ian will stay in touch, and she rather disturbingly describes him as "like my brother from another mother". The audience are on their feet for Jodie and Ian as they have their last dance.

Next week, the celebs will be doing two dances each. Until then, keeeeeeeeeeeep dancing!