Semi-final : 15 December 2012
Welcome back! Last
week Dance FUSION happened, and Nicky, Karen and Nicky’s manhood attempted to
fuse the impossible (samba and American Smooth), failing along the way to dance
either, and ended up being run over repeatedly by a bus. Kimberley and Pasha, meanwhile, earned the
first 40 of the series with their epic tango/cha cha cha collaboration –
helped, no doubt, by the fact that they’d done both of those dances before –
but you will be hearing more of that particular bugbear of mine later.
Our terrible opening VT of the week involves them all
dressed as SPORTSMEN and playing hilarious pranks on each other to get to the
final – including Lisa making Denise fall over.
I know malfunctions are becoming Denise’s stick in trade, but after what
happens tonight: LOL schadenfreude. It
turns out Harry Judd the janitor did it and he would have got away with it if
it wasn’t for those meddling kids is keeping hold of it for another week. The VT gives us another chance to remember
how cheap and ugly the glitterball trophy really is. I like that, if anything, the standard of BBC
prize giving has only gone down since the days of the Blankety Blank cheque book and pen. Tough economic times. [Also, I really hope this is all just a joke and each winner gets their own glitterball trophy to keep, because otherwise the thought of Alesha having to hand hers over to Chinno Chambers makes me feel physically ill. - Steve]
Bruce and Tess enter.
Tess stands about fifty feet back from him to do the fist-bumps then
reluctantly lets him grab her leg – it’s telling that she looks to have about
six layers of fabric on her super long skirt this week. She grimaces openly. Daly dresswatch: pretty good for a change,
long black ball-gown style, sleeveless, with a slightly odd point above the
bust. Horrible earrings though.
Bruce reminds us that Yum Yum Pig’s Bum happened. I don’t want this to be a thing. Please don’t let this be a thing. We see that Cheryl Cole and Nicola Roberts
are in the audience, but with another person sitting between them. Cue the Digital Spy conspiracies! [Chris and I were speculating on this - we assumed she was Nicola's sister? There seemed to be a bit of a resemblance. - Steve]
Bruce and Tess inform us that the final is next week and the
couples have to dance two dances each tonight – is it me, or is the semi-final
rather late to be introducing two dances?
It means that every couple in the final will be 2.5-3 dances down on a
full set, and I can’t see them making that up, even if they do all new dances
in the final, given that SHOWDANCE still has to happen and there are four
couples in the final. I am blaming
stupid dance fusion for this – if they must do it, then they could at least
force all the couples to fuse two new dances.
Lisa and Kimberley had danced both of theirs previously, and the others
had all done one apiece, meaning Nicky was the only one who did it
PROPERLY. Or would have done, had his
fusion looked anything like either of the two dances it was meant to be.
For those that haven’t managed to keep up, the missing
dances (after tonight’s show) are as follows: Lisa and Robin – Argentine Tango,
Waltz, Paso Doble; Denise and James – Samba, Argentine Tango, Quickstep proper;
Kimberley and Pasha – Rumba, Waltz, Argentine Tango; Louis and Flavia –
Argentine Tango, Quickstep, Rumba proper; Dani and Vincent – Rumba, Paso
Doble, Charleston proper. Looks like
we’re headed for a final full of Argentine Tangos, rumbas and pasos then. I can’t believe that we have two couples who
haven’t even done a bog-standard waltz at this stage of the competition. I also can’t get Lisa Riley’s paso face out
of my head and it hasn’t even happened yet. Please, please let it not happen.
Our couples enter, with only Lisa and Robin putting much
effort into bopping along to the song even if they do overreach it. Bruce reminds us that there are only nine shopping
days til Christmas and Pasha looks visibly shocked. Someone will be rushing to the shops
inbetween the performance and results shows then. Bruce then makes some weird comment about
buying all the celebrities chocolate and them owing him money for it and then
gets mildly threatening towards Tess… it’s all very strange and sinister –
perhaps the punchline originally was going to be about Tess waking up with a
horse’s head in her bed (before those mean old PC BBC compliance Nazis made him
change it), given that we’re trotting out (ho ho) more tired references to Dani
being a ‘dark horse’ and Vincent being a ‘little pony.’ I can’t work out which Dani/Vincent reference
I’m more sick of – the dark horse thing (she’s basically always second or
third, which is way more consistent than, say, Denise, Louis and Kimberley FFS)
or the midgetLOLs.
Last week they got their first 10s, more because it was the
time in the series they were due them rather than for any reasons of
merit. Dani’s sister and dad come to see
her at training in the VT. Her sister
couldn’t be any more unimpressed. Heh.
Their American Smooth (a dance we will be seeing a LOT of
tonight) is to ‘Just Haven’t Met You Yet’ because this show hasn’t given Mickey
Bubbles enough royalties yet. Dani’s dress
is really nasty, in the worst shade of pink, encrusted with the worst shade of
yellow – and when pink and yellow are done well as a combo, I am their biggest
fan, but they need to be super-bright with yellow dominant – and the ruffles
are just nasty too. Sorry costume lady
Vicky, you seem really nice but we can’t win them all. Dani’s hair doesn’t really suit the dance,
either, just scraped back into a bog-standard ponytail. [I'm glad you mentioned that, because Dani's hair has been bugging me lately. It always looks fine in training but they style it horribly when she dances. - Steve] The dance itself has some nice parts, and the
lifts are quite pretty if a bit samey, but there’s a bit where it gets very
stumbly and they don’t mask it very well.
Bruce makes a GAYLOLZ joke about Craig being the Wicked
Queen in panto which would have worked if he hadn’t then rambled on about
nothing afterwards, but then – Bruce.
Len liked the lifts and fluidity although thought it could
have been cleaner in places. Bruno liked
the GINGER ROGERS parts and is surprised because Dani is YOUNG and couldn’t
possibly have heard of Ginger Rogers or seen any of her films on TV or DVD or watched
routines on YouTube or anything. Craig
liked some of the heel turns and the grapevines, but thought the hand positions
and shaping needed work and it wasn’t as dynamic as it could have been. Bruce says ‘he liked it, he liked it’. He will do this after everything Craig says
tonight as if the contestants can’t understand the concept of constructive
feedback. Darcey says it was beautiful
but a bit safe.
Up on the Tess Circle, Tess reminds Dani that Vincent is the
king of Argentine Tango, so their next dance better be good. Judges’ scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 for a total of
34. Natalie Lowe is in the Tess
Circle. Miss you Natalie!
Louis and Flavia are up next and the mums in the audience go
wild. Is it an age thing? I mean, I have
ovaries, and Louis is good and everything (although I think Denise and
Kimberley and possibly Dani are better with their RINGER TRAINING and
everything), but he’s far too much like an annoying teenager to be hot. [I'd fancy him if he didn't have that silly haircut or the backtat. I could possibly deal with them in isolation, but both together is officially a dealbreaker. - Steve] Bruce makes some jokes about da yoot using
slang from the 90s and early 2000s which means the audience know what he’s on
about but actual young people are probably sitting there aghast. Or they would be if they weren’t all sitting
in an underpass drinking cheap cider while this was on.
Louis says he’s very grateful for all his standing ovations
and thanks all his fans but Craig keeps going on about his thumb. His special guest is Aston from JLS, wearing
a huge hat, presumably to cover up that hideous lopsided thing he’s doing with
his hair at the moment. Louis calls him
Craig Revel Horwood. Is that because
there’s always one in every boyband?
Louis and Flavia are dressed as an American jock and
cheerleader for their jive and he’s carrying a baseball. You know, sometimes the omens are bad even
before a note has been played or a step has been danced. There’s a lot of dicking about with a
basketball. They’re jiving to ‘Why do
Fools Fall in Love’ which seems somewhat slow for a jive. The dance is a hot fried mess worthy of Nicky
or Michael (RIP) – his arms are floppy and all over the place, which works in
the Charleston, but not in this, his kicks are minimal and the whole thing is
languid and ‘I can’t be bothered’ – the slow music doesn’t help matters,
either. They then end leaning against
their cardboard prop lockers and the whole set nearly collapses. It gets a standing ovation anyway because
he’s a man and an Olympian. Bruce
remembers his youth and dancing with ‘Patricia’ – is that an ex-wife? Wilnelia will be so pleased.
Bruce comments about women fancying Louis and lies that his
performance has improved. He says his
kicks and flicks were not as clean and sharp as they could have been. Which is far kinder than I would have been. Craig says his jbs were too laid back and it
looked a bit lazy and laboured and something seemed to go wrong. Louis knows this and does the ‘it went
perfectly fine’ joke. Darcey says it was
fun and his performance is good but because he’s supple his kicks don’t have
any strength. Given he’s a gymnast you
would have thought precision shouldn’t be an issue for him, but maybe I am just
unfamiliar with the ways of the SPORTSMAN.
Speaking of SPORTSMEN, even Len doesn’t like it much. He says Flavia put in too many two-beat jives
and the quality of dancing wasn’t very good. Bruce reminds us that the audience
loved it. Oh, Bruce. Louis could have a nice sitdown like Christopher
Parker (or whichever of those anonymous young brunette blokes it was) [I think you mean Matt Di Angelo - Steve] and
they’d still whoop like demented fools.
Up on the Tess Circle, we’re reminded that Louis is the only
NON RINGER because he doesn’t have performance training like the women, like
gymnastics doesn’t have a performance element.
Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31, and several marks higher than it
would have been scored were this not the semi-final, but then I sense we could
say the same about many of the dances tonight - and, indeed, that a couple of
earlier-in-the-series dances were undermarked.
Put it this way, Denise and James’ excellent jive from a few weeks ago only
scored a mark higher than that thing just did. [He's lucky this is the semis, because that dance deserved a sub-30 score. It was ATROCIOUS. - Steve]
Speaking of Denise and James, they were in the dance-off
last week, did you know? I would never
have guessed. Denise’s little girl,
Betsy, came to rehearsals and then does the cutest ever ‘Keep Dancing’ into the
camera. Entirely shameless, but d’aww
nonetheless.
Their tango is to ‘Roxanne’ (how original – for the fourth
time). It’s faster than that jive we
just saw, and sharp, intense and dramatic, even if Denise’s tango face is on
the wrong side of ‘serial killer’ and James looks a bit constipated. There’s a very nice floor spin at the end and
no wardrobe malfunctions in sight. Bruce
tells them to remember their standing ovation forever, which is what he tells
every couple when they get one – poor Louis is never going to remember all of
this. [This was one of my top dances of the night - her face was ridiculous, but if you can get past that, it was a great tango. - Steve]
Craig says it got off to a dramatic start with their floor
spin and didn’t stop there, there was a little bit of gapping (Bruno keeps
shouting ‘rubbish’) but she is a fantastic dancer. Darcey says she has extraordinary attack and
it was clean and beautiful but she needs to kick less high. Wasn’t that her problem last week? Len snarks that he hates it when judges have
trivial objections to things, like he never does. He thought it started a bit too much like a
paso doble but once it got into hold it was a proper tango. Bruno babbles about nothing in particular but
finally says it was fantastic, especially with the links.
Up to the Tess Circle they bound and we’re reminded that
Denise and James can have BANTER between them.
Scores: 9 (which gets boos), 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39 and their
joint highest score. There are loads of
boos – it’s unclear if these are for James and Denise, but Tess clarifies
they’re for Craig giving it a 9.
Next up are Kimberley and Pasha, and fortunately, Bruce has
remembered to use Pasha’s proper name this week. Last week they got a 40. Kimberley is very happy about this and would
like to be in the final please. She gets
several up on the other three by bringing loads of family and friends into the
studio including her sister who looks loads like her and a couple of cute
children.
Their American Smooth is to ‘Fever’ and starts with a pose
that looks like Pasha is giving Kimberley elevated cunnilingus, which is an
improvement on the Denise/James end-pose to that salsa the other week. The dance is very smooth, almost a bit too
Latin to be an American Smooth, but the lifts appear effortless despite being
complicated in places and it’s very sexy, smooth and tight overall. Bruce implores them to look at their standing
ovation.
Darcey loved it and says Kimberley is like a true film
star. She loved the turns into the
different moves and says they were very difficult. Len pervs that he got hot under the collar
but says he would have liked more of it to be in ballroom hold and says she’s
like Jessica Rabbit (well, she is in a red dress). Darcey says more Cyd Charisse. Len gets the hump. Bruno says it’s Rita Hayworth and uses all
the fever, epidemic, quarantine babble he can manage. Craig says he’d put the routine in one of his
shows. Now starring Lisa Riley! But more on that one in a bit.
Tess reminds us that Nicola and Cheryl are in the
audience. Cheryl looks like she couldn’t
give less of a fuck about this. Scores:
9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and Darcey and Bruno doing that annoying
high-five thing they’ve taken to lately.
Tess tells us that the pros are shouting that it’s undermarked. She tells Anton that there are no 12s. Even if there were, Anton, I think you’d
still struggle to get a 10.
Lisa and Robin are next.
Lisa points out that she made a mistake last week but was excited not to
be in the dance-off and she’s scarily desperate to get to the final. Their VT shows them crashing into each other
a lot. Lisa’s special guests are her
brother and nephew and she’s the first one to actually cry at her visitors in
case you’re keeping emotional manipulation scores.
Their salsa is to ‘Best Years Of Our Lives' and they start by
doing bongos on the judges’ heads.
Lisa’s initial shimmies are a bit more invested than Robin’s, even if
her leg work is still very clod-hoppy.
They both do big party face, although the underarm twists are quite
clunky, and then they attempt a floor spin, but what ends up happening is more
that Robin drops her on the floor, then walks away, then she’s stuck and can’t
get up, and he has to hoik her up, and then they stop, and when they get back
into it they’re out of time and then it’s really awkward, but there’s a really
good bit where Robin launches himself full throttle at Lisa’s boobs (such a
typical gay man) and somersaults into a lift and then the pace is finally back
and then they end.
Len says there were bits falling off all over but she’s still a good party girl. I’m not sure being described as a ‘party’ kind of person is ever a compliment, is it? Bruno is laughing about the crash landing and says he was going to explode, but ‘nobody cares because everybody loved it’ and says a technical assessment of it is pointless. Thanks, Bruno. Craig is laughing so much he can’t speak. Darcey compliments her energy and partying. Bruce calls her ‘the original good time girl’. So now she’s both old and she’s a bit of a slapper? Nice compliment, eh, Bruce?
Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad she makes people
smile. Flavia is already bitch-facing
about their compliments. Scores: 7, 8,
8, 8 for a total of 31, which is hilarious, but what would be even more
hilarious is if I could see Flavia’s face at that result – not that it was much
more overmarked than her and Louis’ jive though. Brendan and Natalie are giving it some great
‘WTF’ in the background. Anton just
stands there dreaming of the day he can get 31 for a salsa.
Half-time leaderboard:
Denise and James 39
Kimberley and Pasha 38
Kimberley and Pasha 38
Dani and Vincent 34
Louis and Flavia / Lisa and Robin 31
I wouldn’t say the scores tonight might indicate a likely
reversal of the voting scores in an attempt to get Lisa into the dance-off and
Kimberley and Denise into the final, because I’m not a conspiracy
theorist. But if I were… [This is the interesting thing - I agree that that's exactly what it looks like, but I also think it's an entirely fair ranking of the first set of dances, except I'd maybe rank Kimberley's American Smooth over Denise's tango. But everyone else is more or less where they deserve to be. - Steve]
Before each couple’s second dance, we get a VT of their
journey so far with the judges commenting on them in ways that will become
increasingly hilarious and ridiculous.
Dani and Vincent are first and the judges remind us that they are
small. Len says in some ways that’s a
disadvantage because dancing is difficult for small people, but in some ways it
isn’t, because, as Len has taugh us many times before, dancing is difficult for
tall people. Craig lies that he didn’t notice her until her jive (two marks
higher than that thing Louis did tonight).
Bruno says he loves that their Viennese waltz was set in Venice. Last I checked, Bruno, Venice and Vienna
were two entirely different places. In
different countries. Also: thanks for
making me feel sick again by reminding me of the godawful staging, music and
costumes that dance had. Len says the
slower dances are the places where she loses some musicality and fluidity. Craig wants to see something new from
her. Len says he’s given Dani more 9s
than any other couple. Because now she’s
not part of a couple herself. And I
presume he just means ‘this series’ although I haven’t the energy to trawl
through the past nine series to do the maths, sorry. He says the Argentine Tango might suit her
because she’s an actress and it’s the one dance you have to act. What, not the rumba, which we often get? Or the Charleston, site of the Louis acting
breakthrough?
The dance starts by them doing a sequence in silence and I
can’t tell if this is deliberate or if the sound went wrong, but it just seems
very odd, because when the music does come in, it’s not at a point in the dance
where the music’s arrival makes a huge dramatic impact. I presume it was deliberate, but it did look
like a mistake. The rest of it is a bit
Vincent-by-numbers – it’s perfectly good but there’s something a bit flat about
it that I can’t put my finger on – maybe it’s that Dani seems a little nervous,
or that there’s nothing surprising about it.
Plus their legs seemed to get caught on each other’s at one point. [I'm feeling like that in general about Dani, to be honest. She's good, but she just doesn't move me at all. - Steve]
Len loved the start without music and thinks Dani mastered
the mood and technique. Bruno calls her
a prostitute (well, a lady of the night), which Dani treats with the disdainful
‘yay’ you might expect. Craig says
Vincent has taught her very well and, save a bump lift, it was
spectactular. Bruce says we all know
Vincent is the king of the Tango but he doesn’t know what that makes Dani. Er, OK.
Darcey says she would have liked a straighter, crisper leg but it was
marvellous otherwise.
Up to the Tess Circle they run where Tess reminds us that
it’s Vincent’s dance and Dani says he probably felt more pressure than she
did. Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of
38. Bruce moans that they didn’t get
four tens. Sod off Bruce.
Louis and Flavia are back up next and Bruce says Louis is
bringing out a saucy calendar, despite that VT of a few weeks ago saying he
didn’t believe he was a sex object. I
can’t believe the VT lied to me! The
recap of their journey reminds us of Darceylust, the ‘acting’ Charleston, and
Patrick Swayze imitations. Craig points
out that he doesn’t have enough commitment to the dahnce. His dismissive tweeting is not mentioned,
but, perhaps, implied.
Louis VTs in bored voice that he doesn’t have time to sit
back and relax and it would be a perfect end if he got Flavia into the
final. He couldn’t be any less invested.
Their foxtrot is to ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’, and the
singer cannot handle it at all. It’s the
most painful vocal for a good few weeks.
His ‘acting journey’ has taken him all the way back to the same ‘I can
smell poo but I’m pretending I can’t’ face he had for the first eight weeks of
the series. Such progress! The dance itself is mostly nice apart from a
bit where Flavia is waiting for him to catch up with her. Bruce does a good ‘that song sounds like Baa
Baa Black Sheep’ gag.
Craig thought the thumb was up but he loved it. Bruce thought it had lovely rise and
fall. Thanks Bruce! Darcey thought it was seamless and graceful. Len thought the rise and fall was a bit ‘bobbing
up and down’ but he’s a TRUE SPORTSMAN so that’s all that counts, phwoar,
amirite, harder for blokes etc. Bruno
says it was smooth, elegant and graceful and he’s back on top where he belongs. If by ‘on top’ you mean fourth on the judges’
leaderboard, then yes.
Up on the Tess Circle and Louis says he was nervous. Flavia says he left it late to be – his
casual attitude has REALLY grated on her, hasn’t it? I can’t wait for the
bitching interviews in the papers if they don’t win. Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and
their joint highest score of the series, which both Louis and Flavia are
surprised about. Tess reminds us that
Flavia has promised us a showdance where Louis won’t be wearing any clothes
because let it never be said that Flavia doesn’t know exactly who Louis’ fan
base is.
Bruce says Denise has been both at the top and in the dance-off, so her highs couldn’t be higher, and her lows couldn’t be lower. Well, a 40 might have made her highs higher and being bottom of the judges’ leaderboard might have made the lows lower, but anyway. The judges all have a go at Craig for not giving their Charleston a 10 and Craig says it didn’t explode enough, whatever that means. Len says that whoever wins has to beat Denise. Yes, and Kimberley and Dani (or Louis, LOL) – given that Denise hasn’t topped the leaderboard for a while and is clearly not doing so well in the public vote, it doesn’t seem like a tall order to me. Darcey then says she has one weakness, her hips, ‘in the samba and the salsa’. Denise hasn’t even done the samba. This bloody show. We see an illustration of this with Denise’s cha cha and salsa. Now, I’m not saying Denise’s samba would be any better than either of these, because I don’t think fast Latin is her thing (jive excepted, but then that’s only notionally Latin anyway), but if you’re going to judge how well someone does something, at least let them actually do that thing. I guess I should just take this to read that Darcey is a dance racist and thinks all the Latin dances look the same.
Bruce says Denise has been both at the top and in the dance-off, so her highs couldn’t be higher, and her lows couldn’t be lower. Well, a 40 might have made her highs higher and being bottom of the judges’ leaderboard might have made the lows lower, but anyway. The judges all have a go at Craig for not giving their Charleston a 10 and Craig says it didn’t explode enough, whatever that means. Len says that whoever wins has to beat Denise. Yes, and Kimberley and Dani (or Louis, LOL) – given that Denise hasn’t topped the leaderboard for a while and is clearly not doing so well in the public vote, it doesn’t seem like a tall order to me. Darcey then says she has one weakness, her hips, ‘in the samba and the salsa’. Denise hasn’t even done the samba. This bloody show. We see an illustration of this with Denise’s cha cha and salsa. Now, I’m not saying Denise’s samba would be any better than either of these, because I don’t think fast Latin is her thing (jive excepted, but then that’s only notionally Latin anyway), but if you’re going to judge how well someone does something, at least let them actually do that thing. I guess I should just take this to read that Darcey is a dance racist and thinks all the Latin dances look the same.
Also, I would have thought Denise’s two main handicaps were:
James Jordan and BEING THE RINGIEST RINGER of the remaining ringers. Alongside her tendency for wardrobe
malfunctions. But anyway, she’d like to
be in the final, surprisingly.
They’re dancing the rumba to ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your
Face’, so beloved of Simon Cowell. By
the way, if you’ve thought this series has had a paucity of rumbas, you’d be
right. This is only the fourth (or
four-and-a-halfth if you count Louis’ fusion). I was really looking forward to
this as their training VTs on ITT looked excellent, but it’s a little
stoppy-starty in places, and not fluid enough – which seems to be a
choreography rather than performance issue.
Moments of it are lovely, but unfortunately, these coincide with the
singer’s most waily moments, which distract somewhat. The ending requires Denise to pull
overwrought emo face like a teenager.
All in all, a bit of a missed opportunity. This seems to be largely James’ fault, even
though I usually find his choreography much more palatable than that of Robin
or Karen. [I thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS. Completely unnecessarily over-the-top. That's the most I've laughed at any dance this year that wasn't performed by Lisa. - Steve]
Darcey loves Denise’s arms and the reach and movement she
has with them and says it was more of a romance than a passionate love story,
with some of the movements too broken up, but it felt beautiful. Len reminds us that someone is going home but
that the final wouldn’t be right if they weren’t there. Bruno was deeply moved by the rumba and says
it was beautiful with lovely lines and transitions and that she was on it
100%. Craig says she has fantastic
storytelling, balance and finishing but wanted to lift her dress up to see the
hip action. James responds with ‘I
thought you’d be looking at my hip action’.
GAYLOLZ.
Up on the Tess Circle, Tess says Denise really sold it with
her acting skills. It was TOTES EMOSH –
so emotional, in fact, that James almost cries, saying it was his favourite
ever dance on Strictly. A bit late now
for the ovary vote, James, but never mind.
Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38.
Kimberley and Pasha next and Bruce is mildly shocked at
their wasting of the precious BBC budget on having an ACTUAL PLANE in the
studio. Len says ‘Nimble Kimble’ has
been a revelation to him, and not at all one of the celebrities predicted to be
good even before this thing started. He
likes her flaunting herself at him.
Bruno and now you. Craig acts
like a stereotypical gay by being impressed that she’s a Girl Aloud. He moans about her core, even though
improving her core was what I thought she’d done on her Strictly Journey. We cut straight into her doing a pratfall in
training for the Charleston. Heh. She says everyone left is amazing. Except Lisa.
But she doesn’t say that.
Their actual plane isn’t life size and looks like it was
probably borrowed from… I dunno, some kiddie museum or something? It’s probably not going to eat up all the
money the BBC saved by producing a shitty trophy, put it that way. Their Charleston is to ‘Those Magnificent Men
in Their Flying Machines’ in which Pasha takes the role of a pilot and
Kimberley his passenger. Or
something. The footwork is very good for
the most part but they completely stumble over one of the lifts and there’s
another part where they’re a fraction out of time with one another, but that
seems to be a Charleston thing that happens fairly often. Kimberley’s gurn face isn’t bad, although the
aeroplane gestures are a bit much, even for a Charleston. It’s a lot of fun and really watchable, with
some nice cartwheels and lifts, and I really like it, but I don’t think it’s the best Charleston of
the series, lying somewhere just above Louis but behind Denise and Nicky for me
- and it certainly isn’t the best dance of the night – I’d say their American
Smooth and Denise’s tango were both better, and possibly also Louis’ foxtrot
and Dani’s American Smooth for that matter.
What do I know, though?
Len loves it, Bruno thought it was fun, Craig gives it a fab-u-lous and
Darcey calls her a quirky, naughty flapper.
This show tonight… She also liked the straight legs in the cartwheels.
Up on the Tess Circle and Kimberley says she loved it. Tess reminds them about SHOWDANCE. She says she has high hopes for it. After the mess Pasha and Chelsee did last year, I don’t. Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for their second forty and the best pissed off Flavia face ever, which she quickly turns into a forced grin. Hee.
Finally, it’s Lisa and Robin. Bruce snarks about Craog finally finding his
10, despite it being used last week for the same couple. Bruce calls Lisa Leeza and says she surprised
everyone in the first week. Shame it
didn’t keep like that. The judges’
comments basically keep going on about her body size – so much for trying to
prove that it doesn’t matter, show. We’re
reminded of her one genuinely good dance, her leading Robin around, the splits moment and
her technique being a bit rubbish most of the time.
Their American Smooth is going to be Foxtrot-based – which
is good to know as I’m not sure you’d pick that up otherwise. Lisa acknowledges that she’s not the best and
her frame and technique aren’t good, but she’ll cry if she isn’t in the
final. Or something. They’re dancing to ‘All That Jazz’. Is this a burn on Denise? [It would be if she'd done the whole thing sitting down. - Steve] The choreography is mostly West End – jazz hands,
shimmying and posing – which Robin is utterly LOVING when you look at his
face. Occasionally they bob around in
hold, and those bits aren’t too bad, if a bit pedestrian, but really, Robin
wants to get his Fosse on, so they do more musical theatre. It’s entertaining enough, not their worst by
any stretch of the imagination. The
singer can’t get the last, long high note, but then no-one’s surprised.
They get a standing ovation because they need to have one at
some point. Bruno says it was very
theatrical and there were a couple of moments that were stumbly, then he kicks
out and Bruce freaks out because he fears he’ll get kicked in the face. Heh.
Craig loved the Fosse elements but thought there was some gapping in
their hold but he loves watching her dance.
Now, a lot of people think Craig is being too nice to her because she’s
in his show, and whilst I’m sure there’s an element of that, I don’t think it’s
the only reason. She seems very fragile,
even more so than Victoria, and I’m sure that’s part of it, along with her (presumably)
large public vote and the sense that they don’t want to be fattist (they’re
totally failing, given they keep calling her ‘larger than life’ and ‘big’ but
anyway). I’m not saying he has no vested
interest, just that I don’t think it’s the main factor in the sympathetic
treatment she gets. Darcey loves her
lines in the mirroring and says she’s like a musical theatre star. Funny how on this show, that’s a high
compliment, whilst on The X Factor, it’s one of the biggest put-downs ever.
Len says he thought he
could see her razzle dazzle when she kicked and everyone laughs. He then tells her to hold his gays, but given
how tight she usually grips Robin, I’m sure that’s not a problem. People keep laughing and he gets
annoyed. Bruno: ‘That’s your fun club’. Len: ‘Funny club’. Bruno: ‘Fanny club’. Bruno bursts into
hysterics. Len gets pissed off and says
she’s not always the judges’ champion, but she’s the people’s champion. So he basically just called her Christopher
Maloney. Worrabastard.
Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad that people keep voting
for her. Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total
of 32. Tess apologises for Bruno’s
language (and not Len’s, though he started it) but then ruins it all by asking
if Lisa’s razzle dazzled us. Oh,
Tess. Ola is pissing herself laughing in
the background, whilst most of the other pros are trying to pull as straight
faces as they can manage. Robin jazz
hands a lot as Tess reads out the number.
Can you imagine a Robin/Lisa SHOWDANCE?
It’s a truly terrifying thought.
So the final leaderboard then:
Kimberley and Pasha 78
Denise and James 77
Dani and Vincent 72
Louis and Flavia 70
Lisa and Robin 63
Which, with the exception of Louis and Lisa’s positions, is
pretty much a reverse of how I imagine the public vote to be, giving them the
best possible shot of having Lisa in the dance-off and thus avoiding having a
female Chris Hollins/Darren Gough winner, except even worse.
Because we still have time to kill, we're reminded that the dancers all want to be in the final. WHY DID THEY NOT TELL US THIS BEFORE? Desperation rankings from the VTs: Lisa>Denise>Kimberley>>>Dani>>>>>>>Louis.
Tomorrow night Katherine Jenkins will be
performing and the show will be hoping its done its maths right and Lisa is
going home. Join me then!
4 comments:
You know that section on ITT where the Great British public were asked to send in clips of them recreating their favourite dances...? I really wanted to recreate Matt and Flavia's "Shit, I've forgotten the routine, let's just sit down..." dance.
But I'm lazy.
Also, the word you're looking for to describe Pasha and Kimberley's "opening position" is Cuniliftus (as appropriated from Monkseal!)
Oh yes, Matt, all these EastEnders blokes look the same to me, I'm a brunette white young soap actor racist, I know. That would be hilarious to send into ITT though. As would SNOWDANCE or Michael's axe muderer jive.
Or Nancys Coffin.
The correct title of Lisa's Salsa music was "Best Years Of Our Lives".
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