Anti-Cath

Week 5: Top 10 (of 11) Results (Hallowe'en Week) - 27 October 2019

Last night! Half the cast were struck down before the show even began! Michelle got 39, Karim got a light deramping, Catherine and Chris got stuck to the bottom of the leaderboard, and Craig got the hump with most of the routines!

Tonight! Someone’s not going to make it to the week before week before Blackpool week! But first, we must make it through the credits and our annual Halloween bondage themed pro dance. This year we have ‘Toxic’ as our tune and it’s Dianne and Giovanni at the centre of the paso-ish orgy with Giovanni looking like Dave Gahan in 90s-era Depeche Mode and Dianne looking like all the wigs got piled together on her head (yes probably even Karen’s from last night) and dyed black and red – all the ladypros are gothed up in black wigs but hers has red on it so we know who it is. They’re a tempestuous couple but even though he’s tempted by all the other female pros (at one point bending Janette in two at the vagina), he returns to her but she falls down dead with all the other women with Giovanni last dancer standing. So HE is the Strictly slasher then? (oh and the male pros turned up looking all V for Vendetta for 5 seconds as well). As ever, those of us waiting for the moment they let Goth!Kevin back out of hibernation to take centre stage in one of these things are left disappointed.
Tess and Claudia enter without partners. Dresswatch: Tess is wearing a blue and green dress that isn’t the most flattering length but IS a gorgeous colour, and Claudia is in a black dress. The judges enter – Motsi with Craig and Shirley with Bruno. Shirley’s wearing a red dress made with a pattern that looks like it is wallpaper nicked from an art deco building and turned into a dress. But nicer than that sounds. Craig’s returned to his Halloween staple of a jacket with a skeletal hand on the shoulder, Bruno has an enormous necklace on and Motsi is dressed as Nicki Minaj’s slightly more conservative sister.

Interminable recap of last night in which the following of note happens: Karim’s jokes are worse than Chris’s; Neil has torn a calf muscle which is why he wasn’t dancing; Hot Greg has donned a little headless type costume bless him.

Safety results part 1 sees Alex and Kevin/Neil, Michelle and Giovanni, a very shocked Chris and Karen, and Saffron and AJ safe. Emma W, Catherine and Karim all look terrified – and with reason, because Catherine and Johannes are our first pair in the bottom. Catherine says the cha cha is evil but the judges’ comments were right. Craig says she has a chance to correct things by putting her energy into the legs.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Chris is dreaming about Anton being in his bedroom (now there was a homoerotic coupling no-one saw coming) [I object to the use of the word "erotic" in any context relating to Anton - Steve], we don’t know Neil’s prognosis, Alex and Michelle are best mates apparently but unlike Karim and his various best friends they don’t seem to have a special handshake. Next week Saffron is on salsa.

Our guest performer is Adam Lambert who is one of those people I always enjoy more in theory than practice. [He's one of those people who I can absolutely appreciate is a very talented singer but the tone of his voice just completely sets my teeth on edge? - Steve] This song, like much of his output, sounds like a bad drag queen B-side. He doesn’t even let the pros dance in front of it.

In dance debrief, we learn (again) that Karim’s routines are all too much and Shirley demonstrates a slower paso move. We also get slow-mo footage of Michelle and Giovanni and that dress looks so glorious in slow motion – Vicky Gill’s team are clearly trying to make up for that salsa abomination. Craig moans about someone’s Charleston yet again and we learn that Bruno has a facial warm up routine.

And it’s back with Tess and the cue cards of doom to save Kelvin and Oti, Karim and Amy and Emma and Anton (Anton and Katya both have faces of misery through this whole sequence). This leaves two sets of dance-off veterans, but Emma W and Aljaž are safe this time, with Mike and Katya in the dance-off.

They say it’s fine and they have things to fix, so they’ll try to do that. Bruno tells him to stop tightening up his body and to try and be more musical.

In the Clauditorium, Oti tries to make her naming the days of the week happen. That was Kevin’s winner’s story arc, Mabuse, get your own. Also, Karim calls them ‘Soul Destroying Mondays’ which is far more a man of the people approach. Also apparently he thinks he’s an octagon, whatever that means. Emma and Anton have rumba next week, which would usually be a cause for concern but based on how surprisingly decent his Katie Derham rumba was, it might be better than we expect. Emma thinks it’s going to be a filthy dirty one (Brendan Cole RIP) apparently. And Aljaž says he got very excited when they called ‘Emma and’ only to be disappointed when it was Anton. Those ‘Emma… and… A….’ deathly pause moments are coming, Aljaž, get ready.

Promo for the socials, ITT, the podcast, the handbag, the washing-up liquid and… whatever happens on BBC Three – comparing Mike and Katya’s samba to Ross and Monica’s dance on Friends for some reason (I mean both caused second hand embarrassment but only one was actually funny).

In the dance-off their routine remains a bit ploddy and workman-like but there are no glaring errors and it remains probably their best routine yet (admittedly the competition is slim). Conversely, Catherine and Johannes’ remains probably their worst routine yet. Again, she’s more confident in performing down the camera with her arms and less so when it relies on leg work and when out of hold. This is honestly a tough one to call if we’re going on dance off alone, although I’d save Catherine and Johannes partly because I love them and partly based on past form and potential to grow. [Same. I thought Catherine was ropey in the dance-off but deserved to say on past performance and potential. - Steve]

Craig saves Mike and Katya for stepping it up a notch, Motsi saves Catherine and Johannes for stronger performance and body actions making this our first split panel of the series, I think? Bruno saves Catherine and Johannes for getting him tingling a bit more (I bet) and Shirley has to then make the casting vote for the first time this series. She says both stepped it up, but based on a good focus, difficult content and cleaner and more polished footwork… it’s Mike and Katya – to their complete shock. And everyone else’s.

Catherine says she doesn’t want to cry as her make-up isn’t waterproof (I didn't notice it until I read Chris' recap after writing my own, but as he noted, it’s also nowhere near as good as Johannes’ – what’s with the weird pearls glued to her forehead?) but she’s found a new best friend and has enjoyed every minute. Johannes calls Tess ‘Tessy’, cries a lot and thanks the show for the opportunity and everyone gives him a standing ovation. He then thanks Catherine for being a light and showing him joy. I’m going to miss these two and if the show doesn’t do everything it can to hold on to him for as long as possible then they’re crazy. I’d personally keep Luba and Neil around as well but Johannes? What a star. [Agreed 100 per cent. - Steve]

They hug out to ‘Ghost Town’ and it’s almost as messy as Dev and Dianne’s exit, although I’m not sure if we can count second from bottom as a SHOCK!BOOT even if the public are OUTRAGED. I read about the result before seeing it and was surprised, but on watching it, the routines were fairly evenly matched and I don’t think it’s outrageous much as I might have wished it had gone the other way. Mike and Katya have a Charleston next week so let’s see how their new-found restraint fares up against the most gimmicky of all the dances. Steve will be here to see how that turns out… assuming there are any dancers left standing by next week of course.