Byker grooves

Week 7: Top 9 Perform - 2 November 2019

In the absence of an actual theme this week, the producers have apparently dubbed this one "halfway week", so tonight's opening VT is all about how excited everyone is to have made it this far, how they can't believe they're still here (although, looking at most of the people who got cut up to this point...really?) and how every moment beyond this just feels like a blessing that they couldn't possibly have dreamed of. There are also - and again, with varying ranges of credibility - a lot of affirmations from the remaining nine celebrities about how they feel they're getting better, becoming more confident, actually knowing that a chassé isn't part of a motor vehicle and so on. And of course, they don't want it to end. But for somebody - and on the face of tonight's dance draw, almost certainly The Viscountess - it's going to, this weekend. Crivens!

Titles! Quite disappointed they haven't CGI-ed Kevin over Neil for Alex's spot, ideally with Gorka as the background figure rending his garments in rage.

There's no opening number this week (and as a recapper, I breathe a hearty sigh of relief because that, combined with the reduction in the number of couples, means my job is that little bit more straightforward) so we go straight to the arrival of Tess and Claudia, once again on the respective arms of Graziano and Gorka. The G-Men, incidentally, are both wearing rather snazzy velvet tuxedo jackets. As for our hosts, Tess is in an off-the-shoulder blue-sequinned jumpsuit which makes her look a bit like she's playing the role of "the sea" in a junior school production of The Little Mermaid, and Claudia's in a smart black trouser suit with gold sequin accents. In the audience: Danny Miller off of Emmerdale, next to Chris's wife Rosie.

Claudia reminds us that Johannes (and also Catherine) was unceremoniously cut from the show in his prime last week, which is our cue to meet the people responsible for that outrage: the judges! This week's entry order: Motsi, Bruno, Shirley, Craig. Shirley's entrance is a little more muted than usual because she had surgery this week, so she just shuffles on very delicately, but frankly good on her for even making it here in the first place. After that, it's time to meet our Strictly stars: Emma (in a wig that reminds me of Carol Vorderman's hair about ten years ago, and given that she's doing the rumba tonight, I am afear'd), Chris and Karen (dressed for Madchester, for some reason), Emma and Aljaž, Saffron and AJ, Mike and Katya, Michelle and Giovanni, Alex and Kevin, Karim and Amy, and Kelvin and Oti. So yes, if you've not been following the news this week, you'll notice we're a couple short, and that's because Will has had to withdraw from the competition on doctor's orders. But he's here in the audience and Tess will be chatting to him later. Wow, literally adding insult to injury. Claudia also reminds us that Neil is still injured, so Kevin's here to partner Alex again. Everyone applauds and whoops The Amazing Kevin for stepping in once again, and regrettably there is no reaction shot of Gorka at this point. But I'm sure he's thrilled. Thrilled.

Karim & Amy

Karim gets the honour of opening the show this week. Their VT opens in a menswear shop for reasons that will become clear imminently, and Karim opines that he wishes Amy had told him where they were going so he could have worn something a bit dressier than a white t-shirt and pink trackies. Amy explains that their routine is set in a tailor's, and Karim will be wearing a pinstripe suit so she needs him to be classy, elegant and sophisticated. And then they leave. What, he's not even going to get his inside leg measured? Because I know plenty of people who'd have happily volunteered for that job, just saying.

Karim and Amy return to the frankly cavernous rehearsal space that they're using this week, and while Karim is happy to be back in ballroom, he's finding the quickstep a little tricky, so Amy breaks it all down into stages for ease of digestion:

Stage 1: The Steps

Stage 2: Technique

Stage 3: Frame (isn't this a part of technique?)

Stage 4: Performance

So it's easy - just remember: TTFP. Or, if you prefer a mnemonic, Tanya Turner's Fruity Pelmet. Oh, and apparently Stage 5 is "getting it all right on Saturday night". So let's see how that goes, shall we?

They're dancing to 'Mr Pinstripe Suit' and honestly Karim's red pinstripe suit is very nice indeed, well done Vicky Gill and team, and Karim plays the part of the suave gentleman very convincingly. I must admit: when I watched this routine the first time around I wasn't entirely sure about it and thought it was a little bumpy, but it makes a lot more sense to me on a second viewing. Amy's choreography works brilliantly for the song, all of the musical accents are flourished nicely and Karim sells the heck out of the whole number. The two of them are nicely in sync throughout too, particularly on the running jeté leap near the end. After the question marks over the head of last week's paso, this feels like a proper return to form. [It was great, although I'm already bored of the 'Karim does beautiful ballroom and marginally lacklustre Latin whilst Kelvin does the reverse' storyline, even though we know it'll only reach its culmination come judges' choice time - Rad]

The audience are mostly on their feet, as are Shirley and Motsi. Tess introduces our singers, who this week are Tori, Mitchel, Andrea and Tommy, and of course Dave Arch and his hard-working orchestra. Shirley opens for the judges by saying it was a brilliant way to start the show: his frame was exquisite, his footwork was off the charts, and there was no gapping. She thought he was completely in control, and it was one of the best quicksteps she's seen. Bruno trips over his tongue in calling it a "Savile Row quistep [sic] tailored to the highest standards". He thought every nuance was absolutely perfect, and if even Bruno is excited about nuance, you know you've done something right.  He found skill, determination, and timeless elegance in there. Craig spotted occasional gapping but thought it was clean, precise and had swing and sway. Motsi concludes by telling Karim that he killed it: he was flirty and able to snap back into hold at a second's notice, and looked like he was dancing on his own - in a good way, not in an "I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her" sort of way.

They scoot up to the Clauditorium with Karim making the heart gesture with his hands all the way up the stairs, and Karim tells Claudia that their aim for this week was to deliver a legitimate quickstep with no tricks. Amy adds that it's really hard to recover from a mistake in the quickstep (and honestly, I didn't pick up much in the way of expertise from my brief time taking ballroom dance lessons, but that is the one thing I do remember - if you fuck up in the quickstep, good luck sorting yourself back out again). It looks like Amy's four stages paid off nicely anyway, and Karim concludes by saying that opening the show was scary, but at least now he can sit back and enjoy everyone else's routines. Scores: Craig 9, Motsi 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Nancy's reactions at all the 10s are absolutely precious, please give her a partner next year. Claudia points out that this is Karim's highest score, and also Amy's, so job's a good'un, basically.

The terms and conditions this week are delivered by Gyles Brandreth, and that is all I have to say about that. Onward!

Michelle & Giovanni

A death slot for Michelle this week, so let's see how this works out. Tess reminds us that Michelle got 39 last week but Craig spotted some gapping, so here's hoping they can deliver perfection with their paso. Michelle loved Hallowe'en week and thought Giovanni got properly into the role of Gomez. She was thrilled to get three 10s and be top of the leaderboard - but because these two are all business, they move straight on to the paso doble, where Giovanni is busy impressing on Michelle that "less is more". Have you seen some of the things she turns up to Drag Race in, Gio? I think you might not win this one. He goes on to explain that the paso is strong and powerful and that the key to this dance for the ladies is "skirtography". Michelle admits that she's struggling with that part because she can't reliably grab the right part of the skirt at the right time, and she's not sure if that's because of her nails or her own shortcomings. She says that she can handle the sass, it's just the actual "bodywork" that she struggles with. Having run out of new material, Michelle talks a bit more about how Giovanni is a harsh taskmaster but she couldn't work with someone who was too nice because her mum was from Brooklyn. Once again I weep for the lost comedy pairing that Michelle and AJ would have been. Can you imagine? To conclude, Michelle promises that hers won't be a predictable paso because there's a real twist in it. Maybe the twist will be that she was the bull after all. Let's find out.

So they're pasoing to "LGBTQIA+ anthem" (thanks Michelle) 'Another One Bites The Dust', which I don't think quite works for a paso. Sure, it's dramatic and stompy but I just don't think it has the right sort of musical accents for the rhythm of the paso. Then again, there's nothing Michelle can do about that, is there? At first I'm a bit baffled by her outfit of a red bolero jacket and black trousers with a red skirt over the top of them because it seems to fly right in the face of Giovanni's "less is more" edict from the VT, but then Giovanni whips the skirt off her halfway through the routine (shock twist!) so yes, I can see why she would have wanted trousers on underneath, yes. [Once the skirt went (could it not have just been a cape?) I thought they looked fabulous - Rad] This isn't Michelle's best routine or her most natural fit, but you can always rely on Michelle to bring drama and a touch of haughtiness where necessary and she deploys that well here, and some of her lines and angles are very nice indeed. I think Giovanni's absolutely playing a blinder choreographically this year too - he knows what works for Michelle and all of her routines have been a great showcase for her strengths while downplaying her weaknesses.

It's another popular routine in the room, although there's no ovating from the judges this week. Bruno tells Michelle that she always delivers on content, and it was clean, clear, precise and menacing. One thing he would have liked more though is an extension of the shapes off the vertical, which is apparently Bruno for "your arm gestures were a bit too small, you should stretch more". Craig has the same note extension-wise, because he found it a bit blocky (there's half-hearted booing at this), but he loved that she danced with purpose and passion. Motsi loved the intensity between them, and she loved the variations in the routine of both skirted and non-skirted, and the gender ambiguity that went along with that. Shirley says this is the type of paso she likes to see: "no flash, no trash". I look forward to seeing who the Shirley haters decide she was calling "trash" there. She liked the range of steps, executed with exquisite timing, and she liked that it wasn't overdone and was still feminine despite the butch styling. (Oh my god, can you imagine if they'd paired Michelle with Karen, the butch energy we could have had? And yes, I'm aware I'm spending a lot of this recap fanwanking other pros they could have put Michelle with - don't get me wrong, I think Gio's a great match for her, I just think there are so many exciting storylines we could also have had this year.)

Up on the balcony, Claudia tells Michelle that her family (as in the other contestants, not her literal family) were cheering her on, and once again we get a bit of a narrative retread of "you're a judge in your day job, this is very different for you, RuPaul's Drag Race UK out now on iPlayer!" Gio says that sure, they could've done more shaping, but this was all about showing the masculine and the feminine sides of Michelle. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 34. Some rare lowballing from Bruno there, and (spoiler) not for the last time tonight.

Claudia stops to talk to Kelvin about his motion sickness for his upcoming Viennese waltz and asks him if the pills he's been taking have worked. Apparently they haven't. Good to know. Maybe the wardrobe team could give him some slightly looser shirts, maybe having a bit more blood flow would help?

Emma & Aljaž

Yeah, so it's another death slot for The Viscountess, with party latin, on a week where she already looked like she was in danger, so I don't see this ending well. In their VT, Aljaž explains that their samba is set on a rooftop bar, and the samba is one of the hardest dances because it "has so much rhythm" (people used to say this about me at school, except back then it was code for "gay") that you can't ever stop, you have to just keep moving. They appear to have gone to London's Sky Garden for the purposes of this conversation, which I'm sure was just delightful on a day in late October in a week where we've had a lot of wind and rain. The Viscountess says that there's always a lot to worry about when learning a new dance: the detail, the hands, engaging your body, did you remember to leave strict and detailed feeding instructions for the leopards while you were gone, and so on. Aljaž says that the hard part will be keeping the bounce going, and there are a lot of different rhythms in their routine, which are proving tricky for the Viscountess. She describes her week in training as "tricky, bitty, fiddly", so yeah, it's not going great. They've also added a trick where Aljaž swings her through his legs, and there's the distinct possibility of that going wrong, but honestly when the most likely outcome of it going awry is that you get a faceful of Aljaž's crotch, then I'd say the risk/reward ratio is definitely in your favour.

They're dancing to 'I Don't Care' by Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber, or possibly by Justin Bieber featuring Ed Sheeran, I don't really know and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. On that note: the samba was never going to be The Viscountess's dance and I'm not going to pretend otherwise on that front either. Honestly, it's not the trainwreck I was anticipating - she's got some good flow going and there is some bounce in there, but there are points where it's quite stuttery and she just looks generally a bit lost. The trick works well though, so that's one less thing to worry about. But yeah, my fears that this would be the week we lose her haven't particularly been assuaged by this performance, especially when it has to be compared to the two that went before it. [Although I am not looking forward to Saffron Salsa, Katya (and Mike) Charleston and AntonRumba - Rad]

Tess asks Craig if he got more energy from the Viscountess this week, and he says that yes, he definitely got that, but he thought it was a little bit sloppy, which made it look messy. Aren't "sloppy" and "messy" basically the same thing in this context? He's not saying dreadful, he's just implying it. He thought it lacked bounce, so the whole thing didn't fly for him. Motsi says that The Viscountess did a good job in co-ordinating her body, but there was almost too much flow because the steps themselves weren't clearly defined. However, her personality kept it together. Shirley says that Aljaž is a genius for keeping it all in closed hold so the Viscountess didn't have to go off on her own (backhanded compliment!) and she did see bounce in the voltas, and a beautiful stage three samba walk, but she'd like to see better posture - but she thought this was a good surprise. Bruno says he'd come to their party (do you think Bruno has ever declined an invitation to anyone's party, I do not, I'm sure he'd be at your Bat Mitzvah if he thought there was a good chance he could do body shots off an underwear model at some point). He thought she did it, but she lost a bit of toning in her body at times which made her go "jelly-like" - but she made a good job of a difficult dance. This feels like the bread part of the "feedback sandwich", doesn't it?

They volta up to the Clauditorium where the Viscountess tells Claudia that it's a tricky one, and Aljaž says he'd been telling her all week that she'd start loving it, but then they got to Thursday and she still hated it. Heh. Claudia says that samba's only ever scored 40 once on this show, and I don't think that's about to change. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. That's not actually as low as I was expecting; the 5 feels a bit harsh but I think 7s are fair enough. The Viscountess says she's happy with that but her smile isn't exactly reaching her eyes.

The Will Interval

As promised, Tess joins Will in the audience as he tells us that he's gutted not to be part of the show any more but he's thrilled to see everyone smashing it tonight. He feels like he's had the most support throughout the process, so he just wants to give all of that back to everyone else. Aww. Tess asks how his knee is: it's still strapped up, but Will is determined to show up at Tokyo to defend his gold medal. Asked for his highlight, Will says working with Janette (shot of Janette looking teary up in the Clauditorium) and doing his contemporary number. Tess calls him "the loveliest guy in the world", and Will's a bit embarrassed by that. Will says if there was any way at all he could be out there dancing then he absolutely would be, and that's it from Will for this series. I'll admit I wasn't his biggest fan in the early weeks (mostly because I thought he was overmarked) [Oh, he was so overmarked, but he seems like a lovely guy and his partnership with Janette continued her post-Aston redemption arc quite nicely - Rad] but I did end up really warming to him, he seems like a really nice guy and it must be absolutely gutting to go out on an injury rather than get to complete your journey properly.

Kelvin & Oti

Viennese waltz for these two this week, so Oti's breaking out her medieval torture device that she uses to keep Kelvin's frame in check. Oti tells us that throughout the Viennese waltz you're either doing a natural turn or a reverse turn, but you don't stop. Kelvin says that it's a bit confusing because the Viennese waltz is counted in threes but Oti teaches it in sixes so he can learn it faster. Heh. Oti says that she really wants the storyline and the emotion of the dance to come through, so Kelvin says he wants to really dig into that and give a convincing performance. Whether this will translate into taking his shirt off remains to be seen. Oti says that they're having such a good time and they want to keep doing that, and Kelvin hopes the routine will touch a lot of people. In a special place, I'm sure.

They're dancing to 'Say Something' (ugh) and there's some contempowaft nonsense at the beginning before they get into hold, which I'm not sure is a good choreographical choice because it comes out a bit bumpily from Kelvin. The actual Viennese waltz of the routine feels quite small and contained, which I think hinders it a little bit - it comes across a little bit restricted which slightly gets in the way of the romantic vibe they're clearly going for. It's not bad, particularly, but I can just see the joins, that's all. Oh, and there's a flagrantly illegal lift in there, let's see if anyone is fussed about those this week. It goes down well with the studio audience and Danny Miller loves it, not in a gay way or anything.

Motsi opens for the judges and says that she's touched by it - there's something special about how they capture the mood of a dance. She says that it was so quiet in the room that it felt like they were disturbing the dance when they applauded at the end. Shirley agrees with Motsi emotionally, but she has a technical note: there's very little rise-and-fall in the Viennese waltz, and there was a bit too much in here. Also, she thought the fleckerl lacked power and looked a bit stuck. Someone dares to boo her for this, and Shirley is not impressed. Bruno swoons over the romance (/Kelvin's tits) in that routine (/that shirt), and is impressed that he managed to control his giant arms to get his topline in order. Craig agrees with Shirley that the fleckerl was laboured and there was too much rise and fall, so it looked more like a waltz than a Viennese waltz, but he saw grace and flow in there, and he loved the storytelling.

Up in the Clauditorium, Oti says that she was taking on all of Kelvin's nerves for him, and that's why she sometimes gets a bit emotional when it goes well. Kelvin says he was delighted with the comments, especially because he's still not as confident with ballroom. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 9, Shirley 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

Saffron & AJ

This week they have a salsa set on a basketball court, which Saffron approves of because she's a big basketball fan. Quite why this has led to both her and AJ wearing baseball shirts in their VT, I don't know. Saffron explains that she doesn't know much about the salsa, because it's all about shaking your body and that doesn't come naturally to her. AJ says that they need energy and rhythm for this, and Saffron is quite surprised by how much she's enjoying it in training, even though it's very difficult. Saffron says that they've not done it right once in rehearsals, but she's sure it will go right on the night. She's rehearsed so much that her legs ache, and she just wants to be able to get it right. Have we hit the "this is hard, I just want it to go well" drum enough yet? Because there really isn't much else happening in this VT so I think we should just move quietly along.

To the basketball court! Honestly, why they even bothered with the basketball theme is beyond me, because all that happens is that AJ shoots a basket and Saffron lobs her ball into the audience, and then it's never referenced again. I've seen pornography where the location had more narrative drive than this. They're dancing to 'Instruction' by Jax Jones featuring Demi Lovato and Stefflon Don, which is a stone-cold banger but also not even remotely the sort of thing that is in the house band's comfort zone, and I'm sad to say it shows. Speaking of not being in your comfort zone, salsa is definitely not Saffron's and while she's gamely throwing herself into it, it's definitely quite rough around the edges and even sometimes in the middles. One particularly egregious bit is when AJ picks her up into a lift and her trailing leg is just at a very ugly angle. There's another lift that's pretty daring where Saffron goes up onto AJ's shoulders (and her skirt goes right over his face, which I imagine wasn't the desired outcome) [poor Saffron, we've seen her pants so many times this series which I don't think was what she signed up for - Rad] and she goes for an inverted helicopter dismount which I think she actually controls pretty well, and the energy is well-maintained throughout the routine, so there are some good moments in here, but after a couple of strong weeks from Saffron, this is a bit of a slide backwards. Still, the audience responds well to it.

Tess tells AJ that she was so worried for him when the skirt was over his head. Tess, please: she has a name. Saffron wheezes that the choreography is getting faster and faster every week. Shirley praises Saffron for her fearlessness, but anticipates that someone is going to pull her up on her rotations in a minute so she just wants to explain to Saffron what that is first. I don't know whether it's intentional or not, but the way the judges treat Saffron like she's that kid at the back of the class who keeps accidentally gluing her hair to the desk is quite funny. Shirley explains to Saffron that her hips aren't rotating, and that the movements are blocky, and her feet are parallel or maybe even slightly turned in - so while she's doing well in general, she'd be wise to pay a bit more attention to detail going onwards. Bruno screams that he's punch-drunk from that routine and that he's not sure some of those lifts were legal. I like how the only time Bruno even remotely cares about the legality of lifts is in a genre where there aren't any official restrictions (or at least, there haven't been on this show for a good long time). He says that Saffron lost balance, her timing wasn't quite on, and her hips weren't there because she has to drive it through the leg. Saffron attempts to demo this, but unfortunately for her she gets it wrong again, so Bruno has to tell her no: not side-to-side, it has to be a figure of eight, and that didn't happen. He concludes that it was "mental, but fabulous", which AJ decides to take as a positive. Perhaps not for the first time. Craig says that it lacked fluidity but it had some dynamic moments and he loved how well she came out of that lift. Motsi wraps things up by saying the beginning was spot-on but "you always give 110 per cent and sometimes you just need 100 per cent", which I feel is actually quite useful feedback in a format that Saffron will understand so...well done Motsi?

In the Clauditorium, AJ confirms he doesn't have a clue what Bruno was going on about, and Saffron says she was really nervous. Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Well, it looks like we might well get a test of Saffron's popularity in the phone vote tonight.

Halfway leaderboard

1. Karim & Amy - 39

2=. Michelle & Giovanni - 34

2=. Kelvin & Oti - 34

4. Saffron & AJ - 27

5. Emma & Aljaž - 26

Alex & Neil Kevin

Tess reminds us that Alex has been on an upward trajectory recently and even switching partners at short notice last week didn't set her back. Alex's VT opens with Neil hobbling into training on a crutch on Monday, where he explains that he's got a grade one strain, so he just needs to rest his knee. Alex cues up a flashback to last week so we can actually see what happened to Neil properly: they were doing their band rehearsal, they were only a few steps into it, he was holding her up and then she saw him limping. Neil adds that he felt his calf muscle was really tight and he couldn't move it. Kevin stepped in valiantly and got a few things wrong, and we hear the routine with Alex's mic up as she's shouting encouragement to Kevin and wellity wellity wellity, this is quite the role reversal, isn't it? Tuesday rolls around, and apparently at this point Alex is already rehearsing with Kevin just in case Neil doesn't recover in time and...this doesn't exactly square with the videos being shown on It Takes Two of Alex having to rehearse with no partner, which is interesting. Neil says that not knowing whether he can dance or not this weekend is the hard part for him. On Thursday he comes back from the physio and confirms that he can't dance this Saturday, so Kevin's definitely standing in again. Alex and Kevin say that this routine is being danced in honour of Neil, and they want to do him proud.

They're dancing the American smooth to 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' and honestly? The change in Alex these last couple of weeks is really quite something. She just looks so much more confident, she's performing more, and the quality of her dancing - while still not on a par with, say, Michelle or even Saffron - is so much better. This routine is the sort of performance I was hoping to see from Alex in week two or three, and while I wonder whether this recovery might have come too late in the competition to see her really emerge as a contender, it's still really wonderful to see it happening. This is what this show is all about for me - just watching someone blossom like Alex has done the last couple of weeks. Not to be glib about this, but I wonder whether Neil's injury might have been the making of her - it's brought the athlete in her to the surface, it's shown her self-reliance and her ability to overcome adversity, and I really think it's done wonders for her confidence. (Having said all of that, there are still a few moments in the routine that aren't quite as smooth as I would like, but it's still a marked improvement on all of her previous ballroom.) I don't mind admitting, I genuinely welled up watching this both times because it just felt like a moment. [I do feel a bit sorry for Neil though, that his first proper run has been marked by injury and Kevin-mania. - Rad]

Tess congratulates Kevin on keeping up with Alex this time (snerk) and Bruno says that he loves to see how she's growing in confidence and really selling the routine - everything is getting better. What she needs to work on now is her musical phrasing, so linking each section of the choreography without obvious breaks. Craig thought we saw Alex for the first time in that routine and "this accidental partnership is working wonders". Motsi says she's falling in love with Alex's dancing, and there's a huge improvement in the quality of her movement, her performance and her posture, so now she just needs to work on consistency. Shirley invokes Alex's week one quickstep where she scored her a five, and says that the journey from there to here is nothing short of miraculous. She spotted a mistake at the end where Alex was out of sync with Kevin - and Kevin points out it could have been him who was the problem - and Shirley ends by saying that Alex is improving weekly.

They run up to the Clauditorium with Kevin shouting "love you Neil!" down the camera. Alex says that she feels blessed to have worked with both Neil and Kevin, and she's pleased by how this went because she knows people haven't particularly rated her ballroom up to now. Scores: Craig 7, Motsi 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31.

Chris & Karen

I felt certain these two were getting the pimp slot this week, but apparently not. Wait...are they giving it to Mike? Oh god, they are, aren't they? [Fuck. That. Nonsense. - Rad] Their street/commercial routine is to 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble', which inspires Tess and Claudia to yell "PSYCHE!" down the camera lens, which Claudia is positively giddy about. Bless. Chris reveals in his VT that PJ & Duncan's album was the first one he ever owned and he was obsessed with them when he was a kid. Now, where many couple's choice VT's thus far have been Chicken Soup For The Soul-style heartwarming tales of overcoming adversity, Chris's is about how he had a great upbringing with two parents who he was very close to and remains very grateful to, and the worst thing that happened to him was having really bad acne. Apparently that's where he discovered his quick wit, by responding to the people who made comments about his skin. I like how quintessentially Chris this entire story is - he's not even remotely interested in trying to score sympathy points, he just wants us to know how much he loves his mam and dad. And of course there's the lovely Rosie, "the best person I've ever met in my entire life", and his son Robin, who he's prouder of than anything else. Rosie says that Chris is "loving, funny and kind" and she's really proud to be his wife. No, you're crying.

And then, of course, out of all of this comes the most ridiculous performance of the evening, perhaps even the series, which most of the time looks like they're making it up on the spot but is somehow completely charming and they're clearly enjoying themselves so much and it all just works even though it shouldn't, at all. [Yep.  And in a night of mostly diminishing returns, it was a welcome jolt in proceedings - Rad] This is one of those occasions where I feel that my words are simply not up to the task of doing this routine justice, much like Mark Benton's MC Hammer cha cha cha from series 11, so I'm just going to link you to the YouTube clip and encourage you to watch that, and come back. Go on. I'll wait for you.

The audience go wild, Rosie's wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, Shirley's on her feet, I'm sensing tens across the board. Craig declares it "sick", and Chris screams with delight. Motsi says it was his best dance so far. Shirley says it reminded her of when you're out doing your shopping and you see people out dancing in the street, and Chris says "the real ones?!" with such utter delight in his voice, I am sent. Bruno asks which one of them is PJ and which one is Duncan, and that they were almost right on time, whatever that means. Chris: "Craig said 'sick' on telly!" Hee.

The reaction for them in the Clauditorium is, I shit you not, like England bringing home the FIFA World Cup trophy. Claudia tells Chris that Rosie was crying. Chris: "I know! She's making a right scene, isn't she?" Heh. Claudia asks him if this is the first time he hasn't been nervous, and Chris says no, he could've vomited before he went out there and now he can taste blood. Chris says it was such an honour to dance to that song, and that was for everyone in the north-east who's been supporting him. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 34, and Chris absolutely loses his shit at every single one of those scores and his little face is such a picture. This whole routine was so wholesome, I cannot. Also he's joint second on the leaderboard now, which is hilarious. [This is a comedy contestant done right, so why they keep trying to make Mike happen, I just do not understand - Rad]

Emma & Anton

This week they've got the rumba, which Emma fears might be a bit more complicated than she had hoped. Anton assures her that she just needs great technique, great musicality, great emotion and great feeling. Again, aren't the last two of those...kind of the same thing? Anyway, Emma laughs at the ludicrousness of mastering any of that in the 38 minutes she's got free to train this week. They're dancing to 'Woman In Love' by Barbra Streisand, and bestselling novelist Anton Du Beke has crafted a storyline in which Emma is... a woman in love. With him. Yeah, take that, David Foster Wallace! Still, it's as good a stretch of Emma's acting skills as we can ask, given that half the time I'm not even sure these two like each other, let alone love each other. Anton gives her a rumba masterclass - "straight legs! All of that straight legs, apart from when they're bent" - which of course leaves Emma feeling completely confident in what she's got to do. Honestly, I had the pleasure of being spoken to by some Anton stans on Twitter who insist that he's a proper English gent who sticks up for his partner, and I just can't reconcile that perception of him with the Anton who's bored and glib and knows he's getting paid whether Emma learns how to dance or not, and it just makes me so cross that this man has somehow been employed on this show for 15 years. I mean at this point I'd even take Graziano back over another year of Anton. Anyway, Anton vows to deliver on the chemistry, the passion and control that the judges have been asking them for, and the studio rehearsals go well so Emma's left feeling confident. Hooray!

Well. I think Emma has the potential to deliver a good rumba based on what she manages to eke out of this choreography, but...well, this ain't it, chief. There's absolutely zero chemistry between them, at one point Anton looks like he's trying to choke her (and not in a sexy, autoerotic asphyxiation way, but in a "halfway through a Midsomer Murders and she's just worked out he's the one drowned the vicar in a vat of strawberry jam at the harvest festival" sort of way). There are some nice leg extensions and some good shaping, but the transitions are clunky and it just looks under-rehearsed, again. At this point I don't even know whether it's Emma's work schedule or whether Anton just flat-out can't be arsed any more, but I'm really suspecting the latter. [Emma vs Emma seems a likely dance-off - Rad]

Motsi "could see the intention in some moments" but she thinks Emma needs to keep pushing - there's still a long way to go but she can see her potential. Shirley tells Emma that she's tall and she's elegant and she has everything it takes to do a beautiful rumba, but she could only read three bars of rumba in there and the rest of the time she had no idea what count Emma was dancing on. His name's Anton, Shirley. Oh, count, my mistake, sorry. Shirley attempts to explain to Emma that there are four beats and three steps, at which point Anton starts wittering on that sometimes there are four steps and three beats, and sometimes there are five steps and no beats, and sometimes there are god shut UP you insufferable man. For the love of God, Shirley is at least trying to explain to Emma how to do a rumba, which is evidently more than you've done all fucking week, so why not keep your mouth shut, eh? (The Anton stans in my Twitter mentions claimed he was "defending his partner" from mean old Shirley, which is hilarious because all he's doing here is openly admitting Emma wasn't doing it right, so he's not defending her, he's selling her out, but stans gonna stan I suppose.) Bruno tells Emma that she looks the part well and she paints wonderful pictures, but the trouble with the rumba is that it's so slow that it magnifies your faults - she didn't have the perpetual Cuban motion that she needed. Craig says that her free arm placement was never quite right and there were some balance issues too, but she did a wonderful developpé and there was some great storytelling.

As they totter up the steps, Anton mutters "they judged the dress run" to Emma under his breath, so there's your conspiracy for the week I suppose. I should point out here that Emma, bless her pure and wholesome heart, has taken all of tonight's criticism with good grace and even goes to far as to say to Claudia that she was thrilled with Craig's comments about her storytelling and her developpé. Claudia confirms us that Emma's had more scheduling nightmares with her Walford obligations this week, and Emma says that the rumba is a tough dance and she just wanted to look the part - she's been YouTubing Shirley a lot, but it didn't happen. I really feel for Emma. I wonder what she could have pulled off with a partner who gave a shit? Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 6, Shirley 5, Bruno 6 for a total of 22 - Emma's lowest score of the series. Emma says that it's fine, she had a lovely time anyway. Anton: "that's the last time you YouTube Shirley". I wonder if Emma's ever wished that Anton was the one who had to take two weeks off for a leg injury so she got to dance with Kevin? I wouldn't bet against it. [Ah, you've reached the state of Anton!Rage!  I got there a few years ago and have mostly gone through that into a state of resignation that Anton gonna Anton - although his partnership with Ruth piqued my interest for a little bit.  That said, it's a bit rich that all female pros get retired by their late 30s and the male ones by their early 40s and yet he's still standing - Rad]

Mike & Katya

In the pimp slot with a charleston so, whatever you might have assumed, these two aren't going home this week, sorry. Mike says that their Hallowe'en was dramatic, but they did a better job of their tango in the dance-off, even if it was a blow to knock Catherine and Johannes out of the competition. Mike records a little bit of video on his phone saying "it was a tough weekend with the dance-off and a lot of opinions flying around about who should have gone" (I mean that is putting it mildly, yes) but it's a new week and they're just going to stay positive. Katya is really pleased to have got the charleston this week, presumably because only two people have gone out on a charleston in the last five years. [But one was this series so there's hope - Rad] Katya adds that Mike is a natural showman so this is a dance that will really suit him, but there are still areas they have to work on: they're going to be doing side-by-side a lot so they'll have to work really hard to make sure they're synchronised. Mike says he's got his work cut out to avoid being in the dance-off for a third week running. Well, the show's certainly doing everything it can to give you a leg-up, pal.

They're dancing to 'Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines', previously used by Kimberley and Pasha back in series 10, and choreographically this seems a suspiciously close recreation of that. I mean I'm not saying the choreographers on this show are running low on ideas but I wouldn't be surprised if they'd just run a YouTube clip of Kimberley, told Mike to "do something a bit like that, as close as you can" and then picked up their wages on the way out. It starts off well enough - Mike's got some good swivel going - but it quickly becomes very heavy-footed and one of the lifts goes badly, and then things slowly get worse from there with the swivel quickly departing and Mike getting quite muddled in his footwork. Also his poppy falls off about a quarter of the way through, so he's disrespecting the fallen as well. Katya screams with delight when it's over, as do I, but for what I assume are very different reasons.

Shirley tells Mike that this kind of number is really in Mike's comfort zone, and he clearly gave it 100 per cent, but there were a few mistakes and wobbles in there. Bruno calls it "cheeky, charming, funny, crazy, wonderful" and says that Mike sold it like a great showman, but he went on the wrong foot twice and he nearly dropped Katya in the lifts. Craig says the backward roll was a bit scary and he did get out of time, but he's a musical comedy man and he loved it. Motsi loved it too, Mike looked well-rehearsed, but apparently Mike stood up too straight too early and that wore him out because it got heavier as it went on. I guess? Motsi tells Mike that dance was his dance, finally. I thought the quickstep was his dance? Have we forgotten that? Because I think I'll probably rise from my grave screaming "THIRTY-TWO?!" in rage at the memory.

Mike tells Claudia that he loved doing it, and Katya says that Mike turns up and gives it 200 per cent every single day. Hmm. I wonder if Mike was paying any attention to Motsi's feedback for Saffron earlier tonight? Katya says that at the start of the week Mike could not swivel - "have you seen those swivels?" I certainly saw some of them Katya, yes. Scores are in: Craig 7, Motsi 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30, good lord. Imagine what they'd have given him if he'd actually got it right. Also, quick note to the tanning people where Mike's concerned: you're giving it 110 per cent, but sometimes you just need 100 per cent.

Final leaderboard

1. Karim & Amy - 39

2=. Michelle & Giovanni - 34

2=. Kelvin & Oti - 34

2=. Chris & Karen - 34

5. Alex & Kevin - 31

6. Mike & Katya - 30

7. Saffron & AJ - 27

8. Emma & Aljaž - 26

9. Emma & Anton - 22

So, looking at that, I'd say there's a very distinct chance of an all-Emma dance-off on Sunday, but it's also the first time Saffron's vote has really been tested, and that three-way tie for second place could even put Michelle in danger maybe? I don't think it's likely but I certainly think it's possible. Stranger things have happened, and I don't mean Karim's paso. (Oh and there's definitely a chance of a third consecutive dance-off appearance for Mike looking at that list, sorry Mike.)

Recap: Karim coming out of the gate strong and not being bested by anyone all night, Michelle only operating at 85% but that still being plenty on a night like this, The Viscountess getting bussed so hard she didn't regain consciousness until she was found on the floor of the garage, Kelvin going for "romantic" and ending up on "mild panic attack", Saffron being flung around and trying to make it look intentional, Alex finally finding her groove, Chris giving his absolute Chris-est performance to date, something from Emma that might have been a rumba, and the most desperate attempt to sell Mike as a megalolz contestant yet.

Nine couples will soon become eight - but I'm off to a gig on Sunday night so I'll be finding out later than everyone else. That probably means the results recap will be a bit delayed too but I promise to have it with you as soon as I can!