The Cut(ty) Sark-er

Week 10: Top 7 Results - 30 November 2014

Last night! Possibly the worst theme week in the history of theme weeks! Tonight! The most foregone conclusion in a while! Plus padding!

We open with an OIRISH pro dance to ‘Danny Boy’ featuring Tristan being fawned over by Joanne, Aliona and Iveta before Aljaž and Anton enter the scene and there’s a slow sort-of-American-Smooth vibe thing going on before ‘Lord of the Dance’ plays and some sub-Michael-Flatley bloke comes on and riverdances before a bunch of other riverdancers emerge and it’s all a bit 1992 and frankly, if we’re not riverdancing to this I don’t give too many fucks, TBH. (*adds Riverdance to the list of VETOED future dances*)

Tristan and Anton then accompany Tess and Claudia. Daly Dresswatch: Some bright pink thing which would be OK if it didn’t have a hideous piece of material cut right out of it above her left shoulder that makes it look like a jealous Vernon has been at her wardrobe with the scissors. Well, Tess and Claudia do seem close. What Winkleman’s wearing: essentially a black PE kit with heels.

The judges enter, as invested in the dance-on as ever. Darcey appears to have been dressed as the 1960s. All of it at once. Claudia and Tess preview special guests André Rieu and Alfie Boe in a smug-off to see who is the smuggest (I’m guessing Rieu).

Recap with extra Backstage bits! Featuring: Floor Manager Greg being commanding [OH MY - Steve], Jake thinking they’ll have a good night (LOLOOPS), Caroline wanting a 10. In case you were in any doubt about who is likely to go home tonight, Sunetra’s segment focuses on her criticisms and Craig giving her a 5.

First set of results! Safe are: Simon and Kristina, and Caroline and Pasha. Sunetra and Brendan look super-ready to be the first couple in the dance-off, but it’s actually Mark and Karen. Sunetra eyerolls a ‘seriously, we’re going to wait around while they manufacture some drama?’ face.

Mark says he’s exceeded his own expectations and he cannot believe he’s here and gets all teary. [Mark Wright, if you don't cut that shit out I SWEAR TO GOD. - Steve] Tess asks Darcey what he should do and she suggests finishing each step with precision and cleanness but the way he sold it on Saturday is what he needs to do.

In the Clauditorium, Caroline says it’s so nice to have had a good dance and to be safe, especially as she had a rough few weeks. Claudia reminds Simon he was in ‘dance-off hell’ for a while but he seems to have come through. He is grateful for all his support and is pleased his daughter is in. Kristina says this is the strongest cast in seven years on the show. It’s not clear if she means on the seven years she’s been around or that there were stronger casts in previous years, but let’s assume the former (although: stronger than Denise/Kimberley/Louis? Possibly but I’m not entirely sure. [I'm not even convinced it's stronger than last year's cast, to be honest. And last year's cast had its problems. - Steve]

And now!  Time for the smuggest guest performance of the series – Andre Rieu and an orchestra of women in big ballgowns playing strings (plus a couple of men in the background) with Alfie Boe who has now modelled himself on style icon that twat James from the Apprentice, performing ‘Volare’. It’s a dreadful racket and a dreadful song but at least we’ve got Brendan and Natalie whirling around doing some lovely ballroom in front of it. The highlight is trying to identify which of the female string players has the best bitchface. I think it might be the one in the red behind Boe.

Time for Len’s Lens now and a focus on Simon’s footwork and heel leads and yet more pretending that WALTZ IS A VERY HARD DANCE. We see more of Pixie’s magic skirt and the ballet moves they flung in as extras. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE PURITY OF THE DAHNCE. Claudia says everyone is mad at Craig for Jake and Janette’s score – I’m more upset about Sunetra’s score TBH. Claudia says Craig claimed he bumped into someone but someone actually bumped into him. We get a recap of there being TOO MANY PROP DANCERS and Craig says Jake should have better ‘floorcraft’. Seems a bit mean to blame the celebrities when the training footage we see doesn’t feature them negotiating prop dancers, so they probably haven't had much practise with a floor full of miscellany. Claudia then says ‘social media’ was split on the notion. If she means Twitter, then my timeline was full of people complaining about it. Len says yeah, sometimes it can get in the way but sometimes it can enhance a performance, especially in a THEME week, because clearly THEMING is not enough. Bruno says the extra dancers worked for Caroline and Pasha because they framed her and she was the lead dancer. Claudia asks Craig when he'll give a ten. He says he was tempted for Caroline but there wasn't enough swivel at the start although he'd love to see it again. We then get Bruno trying to flirt with Len via the medium of tulips and Len smelling the fart. Len tells us about next week's 'waltzathon' which is basically the swingamajig but with six couples and a waltz and Len says they'll crash into each other and then the judges will rig the whole thing as usual and Bruno says this is what happens in proper dance competitions, which presumably this isn't (LOL).

More results! Safe are: Pixie and Trent, Frankie and Kevin (Sunetra’s ‘come on, stop stringing out the foregone conclusion’ face is awesome) and Jake and Janette, leaving Sunetra and Brendan to face an exit.  I mean dance-off.

Sunetra says it doesn’t come as a galloping surprise to her and she's sorry to put Brendan through it again. Brendan says not to worry as he's been in the dance-off loads of times.  Bruno says Sunetra needs to provide some resistance in her lower body as well as keeping the flow in her upper body.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says Jake took a battering. Jake BIT. Claudia asks if Frankie is looking forward to the waltzathon. She says she hasn’t done a waltz since week one (which is when most people waltz anyway, SIMON) so it’ll be like learning two new dances. Pixie says it's scary because the competition is really open.

We get a trailer for ITT with Zoe ringing all the regular contributors: Craig, Karen Hardy and Ian.  Notable by their absence? Robin and his hanger-on.

Claudia and Tess ask Sunetra how she’s preparing. Sunetra’s all LOL like it matters, we’re off anyway – or rather says she was brought up not to be greedy and she’s come through two dance-offs and Brucies 'let's get ready to rumba' <3. Brendan says they may as well dance like they’re going and you never know. The head to the floor to cheers from the audience basically wishing them goodbye. Mark Wright is so pleased to be here and has improved and more of that journey bollocks I couldn’t care less about.

Sunetra and Brendan dance first.  It seems slicker than first time round because Sunetra clearly doesn’t give a fuck any more and is relaxing into it more – the ending is still as weird and awkward as it was, though. Mark’s dance is full of that awful smile/gurn thing he does and is still incredibly stilted in between sections which means it looks like a series of things rather than a full routine, even though I think it could be a fun routine were it more fluid. Sunetra was much better in that dance-off, albeit with a less complicated routine, not that this makes any jot of difference to what will happen.

Mark is saved by Craig, Darcey and Bruno and Len says he’d also have saved him. Sunetra thanks everyone who persuaded her, including her son Noah, because doing it has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience. She thanks Brendan, the other celebrities and the pro dancers for holding her hand and supporting her and she thanks the people who voted for her. Brendan thanks her, the crew and everyone that watches the show and whether, like Ola, he has now danced his last, we can only speculate, but it did feel like a bit of a farewell speech.

They actually dance out in a Viennese Waltz style to 'Leaving on a Jet Plane'. Everyone gives Sunetra massive hugs and she mouths that she loves them so much. Caroline and Jake will miss her and Mark says it’s not nice being in the dance-off. Pixie reminds us there are only three weeks left.  Join Steve for the quarter-finals next week!