Sunday 28 October 2018

See ya, wouldn't wan(n)a be ya

Week 6: Top 11 Results (Hallowe'en Week) - 28 October 2018

The results show begins with that hotly-anticipated pro routine about Aljaž having a party and not inviting Oti, so she turns up and goes full Carrie White on everyone who has wronged her. First of all, let me say it is a bold conceptual choice to have Aljaž in the role of villainous overlord here because have you seen Aljaž's face, even when he's attempting to snarl he still looks like he's going to squeal "I'M AN UNCLE!" at any second. [I missed Brendan and it felt like it should have been the third part of his bizarre vampire trilogy - Rad] That's not to say it's not a stunning routine to watch because it absolutely is, particularly the bits where Oti clicks her fingers and the entire female pro line-up falls lifelessly to the ground around her. (I'm just saying, I hope this is a metaphor for contract renewal for series 17.) It ends with Oti winning, of course, just like everything should: pro dances, entire series of Strictly, Olympic 400m sprints, general elections.

Tess and Claudia return: Tess is in a sort of gold/bronze leaf-pattern dress, Claudia is in a sparkly black outfit with the exact same shaping as the outfit she had on yesterday except now it has shoulders and sleeves. And possibly even shoulder pads, it's very 1980s soap opera superbitch. Claudia thanks "Elizabeth Honan" (ooh, formal) for the choreography, and Tess reminds us that Saturday was a night of intense drama on the leaderboard, assuming you really like ties, that is. The judges return, and Bruno has discarded all the beads and baubles they put on him for the performance show, which I think is an excellent decision. Coco Chanel approves.

Backstage VT time: Charles does his best Richard O'Brien voice, Kate says that she's living out a little girl's dream by being an ice queen (which little girl is this, Anna Wintour aged 9 3/4?), Ashley refers to the make-up team as "the glam squad", Faye is enjoying getting her face painted, Dr Ranj and Stacey have a giggle about both of them being doctors this week, Graeme attempts to bite a camera, Danny isn't sure but he thinks he's a ghost, Lauren feels evil, Graeme gives us a "cha'mone", Darcey predicts "frightful performances". During the show itself: Amy is pleased that Danny is "Mr Consistency" even though it isn't exactly the sexiest nickname ever, Lauren likes Shirley for giving her an eight, Ranj is dejected (or about as dejected as Ranj seems to get, which means he still has a big grin on his face) but Janette tells him not to be down because he's fuzzy and cuddly and he still got fives, Seann squeakily apologies to Katya, Joe almost does a Sharon Osbourne into the door, Stacey is excited by her "highest score evs", Ashley is excited by Bruno saying it was the best moment of the season even though he missed a week and almost certainly doesn't remember anything that happened prior to that anyway, Nicole Scherzinger is so pleased she could come to "Ashley Come Dancing", Kimberly Wyatt hangs around grinning mutely in the background because that's what a Pussycat Doll does when Nicole's there, Faye squeals with delight, and Shirley dreads the coming dance-off. You and me both, Shirl. You and me both.

Back in the studio, Tess gives us another look at the scoreboard before unleashing THE CUE CARDS OF DOOM! The following couples are safe: Ashley and Pasha, Lauren and AJ, and Danny and Amy. Well, that was brief. Tess asks Shirley, since we're approaching the halfway point, whether this is the closest competition we've had in a long time, since four (four!) different couples have topped the leaderboard so far. Shirley says it is in fact the closest competition because it's not just close at the top, it's close at the bottom as well. Well, yes, but are the top and the bottom close to each other Shirley, no they really are not. Come back to me when Dr Ranj tops the leaderboard and it's a Faye vs Ashley bottom two dance-off. [Faye vs Ashley is scheduled for week after BLACKPOOL or thereabouts by my reckoning - Rad]

Claudia is with the safe couples, and Ashley says that she called her mom in America right after the show, and she was very happy to hear about the three 10s. Claudia congratulates Amy on getting farther than she did with Brian Conley, and Lauren says that she's loved this week, and she can't wait to do it all again. Oh, and she's got the jive next week, which AJ doesn't really have the best track record with, so that should be interesting.

Back to Tess and the CUE CARDS WHICH ARE STILL DOOM-LADEN! (Kevin keeps having to take his Cyberman earmuffs off to hear the announcements, or get Stacey to tell him what's happening, which is quite funny.) Joe and Dianne are safe, as are Faye and Giovanni and Kate and Aljaž. The first couple in the dance-off is...Seann and Katya. They both look very much like they were expecting this, and head over to the Tess corner. "Here we go again," Seann says, adding that he's gutted, but he hopes they can survive again. Tess asks Craig what his advice for Seann is, and Craig tells him not to be nervous, and to try to improve - ideally by making it smooth, and "going back to the proper Viennese waltz". Yeah, I'm sure that's going to make all the sense to Seann.

I'm getting whiplash as we zip back up to the Clauditorium: Faye reveals that Benjamin (the fact that he's always Benjamin and never "Ben" or "Benji" or anything is quite interesting, isn't it?) gave her a little metal arrow to point in the right direction, which she has on her all the time...but not on her right now. Dianne says that Joe has become a different person since the first day of rehearsals, and he's now a dancer. And a vampire. Kate says she was saying to Aljaž, "when's the red light coming on? Is it now?" because she was convinced they were in the dance-off.

Time for a bit of Rita Ora now, singing 'Let You Love Me'. She has brought her own dancers with her, which I would normally decry as the height of rudeness, but I can't ignore the fact that Rita's dancers are more ethnically diverse than the Strictly pro-line up has been at any point, so I'm going to let that one go. Also Rita Ora is the perfect musical guest for Hallowe'en, being at once intensely serious and inherently ridiculous. I love her so much.

Next, it's time for Dance Debrief, and Darcey would like to revisit Stacey's tango, in particular the section where Stacey gets to lead, and Darcey suspects Stacey rather enjoyed inflicting on Kevin all the things he has done to her many a time. Claudia wants to discuss Kate's rumba with Shirley because she thought it was beautiful, and Shirley says that Kate did beautiful back-walks, but demonstrates how every single part of your body needs to be incorporated in the cucaracha. Craig has another look at Faye's routine, and particularly her ponytailography which is very difficult. He didn't give her a 10 because her glasses were loose, and in the theahhhtarrr, you have to know your props inside out. Fair enough. Bruno chats about Joe's improvement as a dancer and a performer, and how he should be rewarded for that. Well, he has been, because he's already through to next week.

Speaking of which, Tess and the cue cards are here to deliver the fates of the last four couples. Charles and Karen are safe, as are Stacey and Kevin. That leaves Graeme and Oti and Dr Ranj and Janette waiting to see which of them is facing Seann in the dance-off, but it's Graeme and Oti who get the red light over them, somewhat surprisingly. I kind of assumed Graeme was doing quite comfortably in the public vote. Graeme tells Tess he's disappointed, but he had a feeling this was coming. Darcey apologises for being so tough on Graeme in the main show, and advises him to not look so concentratey during the cha cha cha sections and try to sell the whole thing coherently.

Back up to the Clauditorium one last time, and Dr Ranj says he thought he might be in the dance-off, and he still isn't sure what happened to make it go so wrong because it was going so well in rehearsals, but he's very grateful to still be here because he's having a lovely time. He's doing a samba to George Michael next week. Stacey, on the other hand, reveals through the medium of dance that she will be doing street/commercial for her couple's choice next week, and Kevin says it won't be "traditional", which is kind of baffling when we have seen a grand total of one street/commercial routine so far. Charles reveals that his son has been giving him motivational speeches, because the Chucky Venice genes run strong in him. Karen says she was worried given their return to the 25 club, but she's very grateful to everyone who voted for keeping them in, and she's also available to clean (because she's still dressed as Magenta, you see).

After the obligatory teaser for the spin-off show/social media/podcast/branded pencils/self-help book, it's time to see whether it's Graeme or Seann who goes home tonight. Graeme reprises his cha cha cha first, and his moonwalk is slightly better this time, mercifully. He's dancing it with more commitment, though his timing is still off in one or two places. Seann does his Viennese waltz again, and it's even worse than the first time because he starts going dramatically wrong in the feet and he can't right himself. And he trips over Katya's feet when he's whirling her around the floor at the end. Also, how lucky for us and indeed the singers that 'Thriller' and 'I Put A Spell On You' were the songs that had to be repeated tonight. I hope they had plenty of Strepsils tucked away back there.

Craig says both couples improved (lol no) but one had timing issues and the other had placement issues, but he's saving the one that he liked the most: Graeme and Oti. Darcey says both couples made mistakes evenly (lol no), but she's saving the couple with the higher performance value: Graeme and Oti. Bruno says they were both far from perfect but oddly enjoyable, but he's going with the couple who made him enjoy the evening itself more: Graeme and Oti. So Seann and Katya are out, and Shirley confirms she wouldn't have saved them either.

Seann tells Tess that the worst part is being eliminated while dressed like that, and there's a slightly awkward pause because it doesn't get the big laugh that anyone involved seems to be expecting it will get. Seann says that it has been the best experience of his life, "probably bar the last few weeks". Katya says it wasn't easy, but she thanks Seann for his commitment every single day, and he's done well considering he couldn't tell right from left on day one. Seann adds that it's a miracle he got this far, and he's proud that Craig called him hot the other week. Katya finishes by saying they will always have the Matrix dance. And the paparazzi photos!

Tess and Claudia tell us that Jess Glynne (ugh) is on next week [on the one hand, NOPE.On the other, I had her in the Monkseal prediction game and I'm tanking everything else in that so far, plus I don't have to recap it so can just fast forward right through that mess. - Rad] and Seann and Katya dance out to 'Bat Out Of Hell'. The post-show clips reveal Charles saying it's never nice for anyone to go, Graeme shuddering off the dance-off, Ranj being very grateful, Ashley loving the characters and costumes, Kate saying she had a magical night, Joe being excited to still be on TV, Lauren wants to do it all over again, Faye has the tango next week, Stacey is nervous about couple's choice, and Danny is looking forward to being surprised by whatever Amy has in store for him.

Random credits question: is the camera supervisor for this show really called Lincoln Abraham? Because that is ridiculous.

You've got me again next week, so that Rad can have a nice long break after covering me for two weeks. Let's hope no more sex scandals break out in that time.

The old haunts

Week 6: Top 11 Perform (Hallowe'en Week) - 27 October 2018

Last week! Is apparently when the party really got into full swing, mostly thanks to Charles, Stacey and Danny. Sadly, Vick Hope was the one who turned up to the wrong address, didn't get the memo about the dress code, and vomited in the punch bowl, so we had to send her home on the bus, which she promptly threw Shirley and Graziano under. Well, after Katie's dignified exit we were due some drama, right? Anyway, it's time to move on to Hallowe'en, and I will never not apostrophise it even though nobody else does, because I'm pretentious like that. The show opens with the cast singing (well, various definitions of that word) 'This Is Hallowe'en' from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Stacey can't even get through it without laughing, and Ashley makes it clear that she was definitely hired as a Pussycat Doll for her dancing skills more than anything else. Also, I've never seen The Nightmare Before Christmas, so I was slightly baffled by the entire thing until I was enlightened by the good people of Twitter. [Have you actually seen any films? - Rad]

Titles! The cry of "ho!" over Seann and Katya really came to take on a whole new meaning, didn't it?

Because it's a special week, we've got a big pros-'n'-celebs group number to open the evening: it's to 'Jump In The Line' by Harry Belafonte, and it's Dia De Los Muertos-themed, and I'd get itchy about cultural appropriation here but I feel like four years on from Around The World week, that ship has long since sailed. Points of interest: AJ's Robbie Savage wig, Lauren doing the absolute minimum and waving a tambourine (Lauren <3), Graeme playing a bunch of skulls like a glockenspiel, Ashley emerging from a coffin, dirty filthy same-sex dancing from Neil and Johannes, Kate and Aljaž getting to be front and centre for the very end of it all.

Alan Dedicoat welcomes our "horrible hosts" (bit harsh, Tess is getting better) - terrifying Tess Daly and creepy Claudia Winkleman. Dresswatch: Tess is in a long-sleeved red number with a slit up one leg, Claudia's in a strapless tight black dress with silver buckles all up the front. It's not a great week for either of them, but I think Tess's dress is slightly the more flattering of the two. Seriously, what has Claudia done to upset Vicky Gill this year? In the audience: Keith Lemon, Nicole Scherzinger and Kimberly Wyatt (I so almost typed "Ashley Roberts" there, are we sure they're not the same person?), so it's clearly going to be a big week for Ashley, watch this space. Tess thanks the celebrities and pros for raising the roof "and the dead" with that routine, and we welcome the judges: Craig "Devil" Horwood, Shirley "Beastly" Ballas, Bruno "Terrifying" Tonioli and Dame Darcey "Blood-Curdling" Bussell. We're only six minutes into the show and we've already used "terrifying" twice, someone buy the writers a thesaurus.

It's time to welcome our Strictly stars and see who got the short straw costume-wise this year: Charles and Karen as Riff-Raff and Magenta; Faye and Giovanni as...more Dia De Los Muertos, I guess? [I thought she might be that time Lady Gaga was a skeleton - Rad]; Seann and Katya as Mad Toymaker and Creepy Haunted Doll; Stacey and Kevin as The Doctor and a Cyberman; Dr Ranj and Janette as a slightly off-brand non-copyright-violating Sully and Boo from Monsters Inc. [Having just seen this, the blatantly Munsters Ink nature of the outfits greatly amused me - Rad]; Lauren and AJ as a Wicked Queen, and whatever Lauren's come as tee hee hee; Joe and Dianne as vampire and long-necked lady victim; Kate and Aljaž as Ice Queen and King; Graeme and Oti as Michael and Janet Jackson; Danny and Amy as...generic undead, I think; and finally Ashley and Pasha as Manic Pixie Dream Troll and Tubby Green Troll. Poor Pasha. Always the true victim of Hallowe'en. Musical flourishes update: only Stacey and Kevin really bothering at this point.

Opening the show this week we have Graeme and Oti. Tess tells us that so far Graeme's been "Spider-Man, spaceman, tango man and tonight he's going to be zombie man". That list really ran out of steam halfway through, didn't it? Oti explains that they're doing 'Thriller' this week, and that Graeme will be a zombie - which is a relief because he's had such an enthusiastic tan this week that for a moment I was worried he was genuinely meant to be Michael Jackson. They go to the West End to watch Thriller Live (/a private, truncated performance thereof) and the cast give Graeme some advice on how to give good zombie.

They've pre-recorded a little bit of the two of them sitting in cinema seats pre-make-up, which is quite a nice touch, but I wish they hadn't done the transition by zooming in so close on Oti's cleavage. Anyway, there are some lovely Jacko-esque flourishes, including that hand gesture he liked to do which does unfortunately look a bit like Graeme and Oti are making 'wanker' gestures at each other. Of the actual cha cha content: it's off-time and danced without any real intent, and his attempt at the moonwalk should've been left in the training room, I think. (Also this is not a song that compliments the singers, regrettably.) It's odd - I know everyone's struggling with the cha cha cha this year (for some reason), but the one thing you can usually rely on Graeme to do is really sell a dance, and yet the cha cha here feels so half-hearted. [Lord knows why they thought this was the one to open the show with. The running order was so odd this episode  -Rad]

Ore and Portia Oduba applaud from the sidelines, and Tess welcomes our fabulous live singers: Hayley, Lance, Jamie and Tommy. The patriarchy strikes again! Shirley says that Zombie Man looks very good in his costume, and "a few of his bits thrilled me". Oh, Shirley. She says that his entertainment value and personality, his execution of the moonwalk (really?) and anything that wasn't in hold was outstanding, but the cha cha cha still needed a bit of work. She thinks he had stiff legs on purpose as a character choice, and Oti leaps right in to say yes of course he did. Heh. Bruno says that Graeme always delivers on the brief: "that was tremendously horrendous", but at times it was "more Michael Flat-feet than Michael Jackson". Oof. He didn't think it was without merit, though. Craig said it was "very special" - messy, with flailing arms, and flat-footed throughout, but he loved the 'Thriller' allusions and the energy. Darcey says the best bit was the moonwalk (again, really?) and while he came alive in the 'Thriller' elements, "everything else died". Everyone reacts in horror that Darcey's gone all mean for Hallowe'en.

Up in the Clauditorium, Neil is dressed as King Kong in a cage, and Graeme says that he did enjoy this week and having a laugh doing 'Thriller'. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 21. Oti says that Graeme's worked really hard on this - they finished at 2am this morning making sure he got all five of his steps. "All five", hahaha. This week reading the terms and conditions we have Moira Stuart in a pair of devil horns, sign Moira up for this show immediately please. Moira's very clear and newsreadery about it without being as serious as Anita Dobson, which is a very good balance to be striking. [Also, Moira definitely has a portrait in the attic. -.Rad]

In the death slot this week - surprisingly, given the amount of hype they've had this week - it's Stacey and Kevin. Tess is in the audience sitting alongside Mandip Gill (aka Yas from Doctor Who/Phoebe from Hollyoaks, depending on your allegiance). Tess asks Mandip if Stacey will make a good Doctor, and Mandip says yes because the Doctor travels through time and space and Stacey definitely knows how to travel...through...the space. I think that gag needed a couple more trips around the room, to be honest. In their VT, Kevin reminds us that the Doctor is being played by a woman for the first time ever, and Stacey says she's going to try to channel her fierceness and independence. Kevin says that Stacey will be the first in Strictly history to do some of the man's part as well (I assume he means "in the tango", because he did this same schtick with Susan last year, and honestly come on hurry up and just give Kevin a male partner already, he clearly quite fancies a crack at it). A Tardis materialises in their training room, so Stacey suggests they travel ahead to Saturday and see what happens in their dance. They peer out of the Tardis in the Strictly studio and hear the judges critiquing rather harshly, so Doctor Stacey insists they head straight back to training and work hard to change the future.

They're dancing to the Doctor Who theme, and first of all may I say how much I love Stacey's Doctor-themed outfit. It's a great interpretation of it for the ballroom [I agree, but the less said about Kevin's outfit the better - Rad], and I say this as someone who spent most of this Saturday at Comic Con, so I like to think I'm pretty good at spotting quality cosplay at this point. I'm less sure about Stacey's tango face, which is mainly about sucking her cheeks in and pouting her lips. There's some odd choreography here, including a bit where Stacey goes limp and Kevin drags her around in a circle while a clock is projected on the floor, like she's one of the hands (to indicate time travel, I assume?) This is actually a much better dance on rewatch than I remember it being at the time - the quality of her actual tango looks pretty good, although there is one bit where it looks like her legs get a little big tangled up in each other. The much-vaunted bit where Stacey leads is literally about three bars, right at the end, and it's not actually that impressive from a dance perspective but I'm here for it generally in terms of what it represents for the sisterhood. Also can I just say that the Cyberman costume is definitely the strongest showing from Kevin's Arse so far this series.

A brief sidebar, if I may: I was concerned a few weeks back that, while I'd enjoyed individual dances on this series, there hadn't been any that I'd been particularly inspired to rewatch on YouTube. I can now confirm that, thanks to Stacey both this week and last week, that is no longer the case.

Stacey's boyfriend Sam (who I originally thought was Andy from Emmerdale, but him being Stacey's boyfriend does make a lot more sense in this context) goes wild in the audience and there's a big standing ovation from the crowd. Bruno says that like the Doctor herself (I still get such a thrill out of hearing that), Stacey seems to regenerate and come back better than ever. He says that apart from the fact that it was "splendidly styled", it was so sharp and focused, and always a proper tango. Craig says it was a very, very strong performance with good intent and full of purpose, though he would've liked a little more staccato in the footwork, and he thinks this is a great look for Kevin. Kevin cracks that he can't actually hear anything with his big Cyberman earmuffs on, and Craig says that this is one of the few occasions where it would've been nice to hear his comments. Heh. Darcey loved the attack, frame and footwork and the way Stacey danced from the beginning to the end. She loved the change in lead as well. Shirley said that a few weeks ago Stacey's body was "loosey-goosey", but now she's really toned it - there was a closed promenade where she brought her feet together beautifully and there were great technical aspects, particularly the way she switched the lady frame from man frame.

They upgrade their way to the Clauditorium, where Stacey says that her wig is too itchy. Claudia says that Stacey's boyfriend is here tonight, and Stacey says "he's had a couple of beers, his eyes are a bit wobbly!" Heh. Apparently Sam is a "fitness expert" who thought she wouldn't have the stamina for the show, and Stacey's very grateful to Kevin for teaching her so well that she's managed to stick around. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

Tess then delivers possibly the best segue of all time - "from Doctor Who to Dr Ranj!", and points out that Ranj was third on the leaderboard in week one, but hasn't been that high again since. (Unlike Bruno.) Yeah, I don't think we should hold our collective breath waiting for that to happen again, as much as I like him. In his VT, Ranj confirms that they're doing a jive to 'Monster Mash', and Janette tells him that it's a high energy dance so he'll need to get some good sleep this week. I'm not sure Ranj has actually slept since July, but okay. We cut to Ranj in bed, in his jammies with his space rocket duvet, having disturbed sleep because his bed is shaking. Well, that's what you get for staying in the hotel room next to Seann and Katya. Ranj says he thinks there's something under his bed, and when he looks later that night, there's a two paddle under there. I don't think any of us could sleep with a number two under the bed, to be fair. Anyway, this all culminates in Craig being under his bed, because of course it does. I do enjoy Craig's willingness to be ridiculous for Hallowe'en VTs, bless him.

So yes, Ranj is a cuddly monster and Janette Manrara, 34 (nearly 35), is playing a scared little girl. Ranj's dancing shoes have also been covered with fur, which has the unfortunate side effect of making it look like he's doing the whole thing in slippers. Although to be fair, that might just be his actual dancing, because it is quite flat-footed. He's not getting much bounce back from the floor, and there's a segment about a third of the way in where it looks very much like he's completely forgotten where he's meant to be going. Regrettably, the best bit of the whole thing is when the two puppets at the bottom of the bed start lip-synching the words.

Craig says he thinks the kids at home would love that number, but he didn't - he thinks the costume was covering a multitude of sins. Personally I thought the costume was creating several of the sins, but that's probably why I'm here blogging for free and Craig's the one on primetime BBC One. He thought it was heavy and lumpy, and that Ranj lost it on the drunken sailors. Not for the first time, eh lads? Darcey says that however gorgeous and sweet he is ("my god, I do want to cuddle you"), there were just too many mistakes in that routine. Shirley loved the concept and the fact that the monster jived on the bed - she thought it started well, but quickly unravelled, though she liked the bits of jive that he did do. Bruno calls him the "cuddliest, bounciest monster duster you've ever seen". Well, he certainly is the top of my list of...one. Bruno says it happens to everyone: "we all have a night off". Like you did last week?

In the Clauditorium, Ranj says that he doesn't know what happened - he's definitely done it without mistakes in rehearsals. Janette grabs him and honks "HE'S SO FLUFFY!" Ooooookay. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 20. You can tell when they get the five from Craig that they think the score might not be as bad as they were expecting, because he usually lowballs it compared to the others, and then the light gradually fades from their eyes as everyone else's fives come out. Ranj looks disappointed, like he might be going home this week.

Next are Kate and Aljaž, who will be doing a rumba as ice statues. In their VT, Aljaž takes her to an ice bar to get in the mood, and then sets out the store for their routine: "you're an ice queen, I'm an ice...princess." There's definitely something going on with Aljaž this year, isn't there? Whatever it is, I'm into it. Anyway, Kate steers things back onto gender lines by telling Aljaž he is in fact an ice king, and then says that she doesn't know how she'll fare as an ice queen: "I'm not that good with a cold". Heh. Kate says that the rumba is the scariest thing about Hallowe'en, because Ashley has told her how difficult it was for her, and she knows she's no Ashley. Aljaž says she just needs to go out there and own it and commit to it.

They're dancing to 'Skin' by Rag'n'Bone Man, and I think Kate's actually making a decent stab at what was always going to be a difficult dance for her. There's some credible hip action, a good sense of the rhythm, and of course her chemistry with Aljaž remains strong. It's a little bit stiff, true [I couldn't work out how much of the stiffness was deliberate character work. I love Aljaž, but sometimes his choreography goes to strange places - Rad] and I don't think she ever looks truly relaxed, but it comes across as a solid, if unexceptional, performance. Darcey says that as Kate warmed up there were glimmers of desire between them, but sadly just glimmers. She could see Kate working really hard on the feet positioning, but she felt Kate wasn't finishing her arm movements. Shirley loves the look, and says that she had good walks at one point, but then she did a heel lead and the music wasn't travelling up through her body - and as it's week six, she's expecting a bit more detail in the execution, though she loved the choreography. Bruno says that the rumba has to be fluid and she needs to extend every movement to the full - she did her best, but she needed more of the fluid quality of water, not ice. Craig finishes by saying that there needed to be a lot more resistance and tone in the body - he feels Kate's body is working independently, she needs to marry all of the parts together, but she does have fluidity in the hips so "we're off to at least a bit of a start".

Kate and Aljaž head up to the Clauditorium with Kate reassuring Aljaž all the way up that she loved it even if the judges didn't. She thinks it was the best they've danced it. Kate's friends Rachel and Christine from the school run are here, hashtag relatable mum. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 20. That's harsh, I think. Anton is shouting "undermarked", and loath as I am to agree with Anton, I think he has a point. [Me too. I thought Graeme and Ranj were both worse - Rad]

There follows a preview of everything yet to come, soundtracked by underrated Hallowe'en bop 'Scared' by A1, and then it's on to Danny and Amy, who will be doing a "ghoulish American smooth". Amy says that Danny's never done lifts before (which isn't what he said this week on It Takes Two, I will not stand for this Jackie Harman erasure). Amy and Danny spend the VT worrying that their training room is haunted and/or cursed, and it turns out to be Anton Du Beke. Scooby-Doo has a lot to answer for.

They're dancing to 'Spirit In The Sky', surrounded by dry ice, and I am absolutely here for ghostly Danny lifting Amy up out of the "ground" at the beginning. I'm not quite sure what happened last week, but after several episodes of these two just not really clicking for me, I'm totally seeing it now. (I'm actually starting to really like Amy too, after being fairly ambivalent towards her up to this point.) There are still a few moments where his ballroom frame is wobblier than I would like, and the lifts could be smoother (you absolutely cannot tell me that the last lift they do was intended to end the way it does with Amy's feet touching the floor long before they stop spinning), but after a run of fairly duff outings this evening, this gives me hope that tonight's show might not be a total washout.

Shirley says that consistency is key on the way to BLACKPOOL (drink!), and Danny has beautiful arms as well as executing the lifts well - but it was a little bit bumpy along the way, so he just needs to work on his flow. Bruno says that he's missed him - he has such showmanship and presence, and everything is so well-placed. Craig says that it became a bit staccato and lacking in grace, but Danny does have musicality and that's something that nobody can take away from him. Darcey's impressed because Danny has softened his knees like she asked him to, and it's such an improvement. She warns him to take care with the dismount of the lifts and in particular "lovely Amy". Heh.

They go on up to the spirit in the Clauditorium, where Danny says that he's quite shocked by how well it actually went. Amy says that she injured her ankle this week, but Danny led her around the floor beautifully and took real care of her. Aww. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 9 for a total of 30. Probably the right score overall, even if I'm a little sceptical of some of those individual marks.

Next up: Arshley and Parsha, as charleston-dancing trolls. Pasha still being around for Hallowe'en means a patented Pasha Comedy VT: here he's cooking up a potion in a cauldron to make the perfect charleston, and Ashley walks in on him and fails to heed his warning not to drink it until Saturday. Ashley drinks it and end up unable to stop doing the monkey the charleston. Oh no! Who could have foreseen such things?

They're dancing to 'Witch Doctor', and the theme of the dance is chubby Pasha troll trying to get Manic Ashley Dream Troll to like him. There's quite a lot of face-acting involved in the whole thing as he casts a spell on her and she gets cross with him for it (Strictly Come Dancing, tackling the hot-button issue of consent), but the actual charlestoning is very good, and even the charleston choreography is less horrendous than it has been over the last year or so. [The dancing and choreo were amazing, but tbe song, theme and oufits were the worst I've seen in a long time - Rad]

Bruno calls it "astonishing", and says it was an "exuberant, action-packed musical comedy". He thinks it was one of the best moments of the "season" (someone's been in LA too long). Craig calls it "swivelicious". Darcey loved how free it was with all those details, and how the choreography was led by the story, and Ashley's face working twice as fast as her body. Shirley says it was one of the best choreographic routines she's ever seen, and they were absolutely in sync with each other.

Up they troll to the Clauditorium, where Ashley says that her "chicas" (ie Nicole and Kimberly) being in the audience gave her extra energy tonight. They say thank you to "Alan" (Burkitt, just fyi), who choreographed the routine, and the scores come in: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Ashley cries, and Pasha says he wants to thank everyone: "the judges, the academy, my belly". Heh.

Midway leaderboard?
1. Ashley & Pasha - 39
2. Stacey & Kevin - 35
3. Danny & Amy - 30
4. Graeme & Oti - 21
5=. Dr Ranj & Janette - 20
5=. Kate & Aljaž - 20

With the unenviable task of following that, Seann and Katya are on next. In their VT, Seann says that he's been in the bottom two now, and he's had that feeling that this could all be over, so he's going to have the most fun this week. They are being watched in training by a creepy doll of the kind you can buy from the pages of Take A Break, so they decide to hide...in a toy museum? Okay, if this were a real horror movie, these two would be the dumbasses who die first. Anyway, Katya derives inspiration from the harsh angles of the dolls' positions to show Seann how to hold himself in ballroom, and then gets statuified and Seann has to carry her to the dancefloor. I'm surprised they got that much touching past the censors at this point.

They're dancing the Viennese waltz to 'I Put A Spell On You' (yep, that one again), and it's not good. Seann's footwork is all over the place, he's very visibly counting to himself, and it's far more creepy than it is scary. It ends with the Katya doll somehow seizing control over Seann's body and turning him into the doll, which Tess calls "a very original concept", despite it being the concept for about 45% of all doll-themed dances ever. Craig says that he thinks Seann will be in the dance-off again this week - he felt like the timing was off all over the place and Seann wasn't really hearing the music. He also felt it was very skippy, rather than all on one level like it should be. Darcey agrees: it was jerky and skippy "even with all your wonderful effort". Shirley said there were some places where he did a good driving step (Seann interrupts her here to say he's weirded out by her eyes, because she's got creepy contacts in) and there was good foot placement on his fleckerl, but he just didn't have the correct footwork in general. But she did see some good things elsewhere, and declares it a "good try". Bruno says it was like watching Coppélia directed by Tim Burton and danced by Beetlejuice. He loved the "art direction" and the role-playing, but Seann got too stiff (madam) and lost the flow of the dance. He thinks it's a tricky one because "technically it wasn't very good, but visually it was very intriguing". Well, you're meant to be judging the dancing, Bruno, so it's not that tricky really. Tess asks us whether this will be enough to save him "in" the dance-off, and I hope that wasn't a slip of the tongue.

In the Clauditorium, Seann says last week was tough, and you can't imagine what the dance-off is like until you're in it. He felt Craig's first comment was "very deflating", and he just wants to get to a week "where we just smash it". I thought that happened a couple of weeks ago, according to the papers. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 20.

Next we have Charles and Karen with their Rocky Horror Show-themed jive, hot off the heels of their street/commercial couple's choice routine from last week. In training, Karen takes on the role of the Criminologist to explain the very complicated choreography of the Time Warp (there aren't many original Hallowe'en songs left at this point, are there?), and then they watch the film. Charles says that he loves Riff's spindly malevolence, to which Karen responds "he looks quite friendly, though!" Okay, I take it back: Karen's the idiot who dies first. Karen says she's going to "incorporate some of this choreography into our routine". Well, I would hope so: it's the bloody Time Warp, that choreography is literally in the lyrics, you're going to look a bit daft if you don't do it.

They start the routine in the audience, and I feel very sorry for the poor people who had front row seats to Strictly Come Dancing only to be discovered that they were going to end up covered in fake cobwebs in service of Chucky Venice. Now, I don't often have a lot of time for Karen or her choreography, but I think this is a bit of genius: it's actually a very high-energy jive, full of content, that pays homage to the original Time Warp without being slavishly devoted to replicating it. It's easily the most enjoyable routine of the night so far, and it's danced well by Charles - it's just a shame that he's clearly flagging by the last 20 seconds and really slips out of time as a result.

Darcey opens for the judges saying that Charles started so well - he came at the attack, gave it full energy and it was fast and frantic. There were moments, however, where he really had timing issues - she saw two "pacific" ones. Yes, she says "pacific". No, it's not a slip of the tongue because she says it twice. And people used to get at Alesha for her grammar! [Darcey's grammar has always been poor but the second time she said it I cringed so badly - Rad] Shirley tells him that last week he unlocked his "dance soul", and he started out with all the best promise this week - but she thinks there were about four or five timing errors in there, and she thinks he knows there. It was entertaining though, and she thinks he's still on his way up. (Lol, we'll see.) Bruno loved the "wacky energy", which he demonstrates on a fairly alarmed Shirley, and the "infectious appeal". The performance was pitched just right, it was just the timing that was the issue. Craig says he feels so sorry for Shirley having to sit next to Bruno. Bruno: "Maybe she wants me to have another week off? Haha!" Craig: "That wouldn't be a bad idea." Fight! Fight! Fight! Craig says that he loved the routine, it just needed tidying and tightening up.

Up in the Clauditorium, we learn that Charles's hair took three hours. Worth every second, I say. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. They are actively trolling him at this point, aren't they? [The moment he realised it was so pure. I want gifs. - Rad] Karen says she's going to name her first child "25", and Claudia vows to rename all of her children "25" as well. That's going to get confusing.

Faye and Giovanni are on next, with the very first theatre-jazz (theatre/jazz?) routine of the series. Tess asks Craig, our resident West End Wendy, what exactly that means, and Craig says that it has to be theatrical, with big, robust ideas, big storytelling, there can be floorwork, soft-shoe, lifts, it's wide open. Is anyone else starting to feel like "couple's choice" is basically an excuse to start doing showdances a lot earlier? Because there don't appear to be any actual rules to follow in this round. As was established last week, Couple's Choice means we get a very earnest VT about that contestant's life, and Faye's absolutely does not disappoint: she talks about coming from a creative family and auditioning for a band among 600 other people and ending up in Steps. Fame, however, was overwhelming, and she had to deal with it quickly, and then those wretches H & Claire decided to run off, and Faye had to figure out where she stood now: "I was Faye from Steps, but who is Faye Tozer?" No, she really says that. Then her son Benjamin came along and brought light and joy into her life, and made her look at the world in a very different way. Apparently he has also told her she's going to go really far on Strictly, and now she's doing it all for him.

Which makes what follows all the more alarming: Faye is dancing to 'Fever' by Peggy Lee, repeatedly rubbing her boobs, popping her booty in Giovanni's face, or doing the splits upside down in mid-air. This is a bit like when that guy on American Idol said his performance would be a tribute to his parents and then sang 'Let's Get It On'. It's a good performance though, or at least it is as far as I can tell given that I don't really know what theatre/jazz is and we've really not been given any parameters by which to assess it. [I loved it, though it was completely ridiculous. - Rad]

Shirley says it's a bit of a new style for her, but the little details Faye put in were absolutely synchronised and first-class. Bruno calls it "Fosse fabulous and all that jazz". Craig offers up "uh-may-zing" and Darcey loved the mirroring, and particularly that part where Giovanni supported her while she was elevated. Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia reveals that Faye's been in agony all week and Faye confirms that she's strained muscles and has bruises all over her body, but it's been brilliant all the same. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39.

In the penultimate slot tonight we have Joe and Dianne with a foxtrot. Their setting is vampires in a fairground, and Joe admits that he's scared of rollercoasters, so Dianne decides this is absolutely the time for him to face his fears. So off they go to a theme park, Joe boards a rollercoaster, and Dianne runs away to leave him to face it by himself, because apparently this is revenge for all the times Joe has pranked people on YouTube. In my limited experience, it's probably also exactly as inventive and as funny as all the times Joe has pranked people on YouTube. There is at least a funny bit at the end where Joe asks if that's the bit where they'll use the Strictly magic to turn him into a bat and fly away, and Dianne says no, they'll just walk out of the regular exit, and Joe grumbles that they spent all the budget on the aeroplane for Danny John-Jules last week. Heh. [That's the most I've ever liked him, I genuinely laughed. More snarky Joe please- Rad]

They're dancing to 'Youngblood' by 5 Seconds Of Summer, and I never expected having to say this about anything choreographed by Dianne, but I think this is the most traditional and conservative routine of the night. It's a proper foxtrot, with emphasis on proper technique, and I have to admit that Joe does seem to be making big strides in that direction. His frame has definitely improved, and what little I know about footwork tells me that he's doing well there too. There are some nice paso accents in the choreography too, which suits the music. It's not the most memorable routine of the night by any stretch, but it's done to a high standard.

Bruno calls it "a foxtrot with a bite" and says that Joe's improvement exceeds all of his expectations - he's controlling the dance almost like a professional now. He thinks Joe's becoming a good actor as well as a good dancer. Craig loved the breakouts and the snapbacks into hold, and was so impressed he might even follow Joe on the social medias now. Darcey agrees that Joe getting in and out of hold was brilliant, and she thinks we might even see him in the final. Shirley tells Joe to come up for a hug, and Bruno starts screaming "DADDY TOO! DADDY TOO!" Well, that's something I'm not going to be able to forget in a hurry. Shirley says that Joe's nanna Phyllis used to dance up in BLACKPOOL, and she's got a feeling that Joe will be following in her footsteps.

They vamp up to the Clauditorium where Claudia has a list of the many other things Joe is afraid of: deep water, heights, wasps, the unknown, solitude, sponges, space, Mrs Brown's Boys, Brexit, Ascension Sunday, advent calendars that cost £50 and only cover half of December, in-flight magazines and Lisa Snowdon's showdance. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

That leaves Lauren and AJ in the pimp slot tonight, dancing to the song 'Poison' by Nicole Scherzinger, who happens to be in the audience tonight! (What, but they couldn't get Bobby "Boris" Pickett in for Dr Ranj? This favouritism is transparent and disgusting.) Nicole won Dancing With The Stars back in 2010 - "a while ago", as she puts it. Tess asks her if she has any advice for Lauren on dancing the paso, and the answer is essentially "no", because Nicole clearly remembers very little about it. Still, she says "bull-fighting" and "do it with bravado", which isn't bad for an improvised answer.

In her VT, Lauren says that Saturday went amazing, which is an interesting way to represent it given that the judges didn't like her contempowaft and she was second from bottom on the leaderboard. Also, the VT editors have chosen to recall her contempowaft as a series of still images, which is what Craig criticised it for looking like last week, and I find that quite *shade rattle* of them. Anyway, this week they've got a paso, and Lauren is struggling to connect to her inner evil queen, so AJ decides to get her to do some "evil apple-bobbing". They appear to be bobbing for apples in...wallpaper paste? Or something of a similar shade and consistency that really doesn't bear thinking about. Anyway, they get back into rehearsals, and Lauren cuts herself, but it's no match for AJ's FREAK AND BRUTAL NEAR-LIFE-ENDING INJURY, is it? No it is not.

Oh, AJ's got wood. Sorry, I meant to say that the story begins with AJ chopping wood, while Lauren enquiries of the mirrorball on the wall who the fairest of them all might be. Then the band kicks in (and hearing them yell "RedOne!" is a delight), and the paso begins and it's finally the Lauren breakthrough I was beginning to think would never come. Admittedly it's mostly in the form of stomping around and snarling at AJ, but it's undoubtedly progress: this is the most she's ever thrown herself into a routine since the series began. There is some slightly baffling AJ-ography in there (chiefly: the bit where Lauren crouches on the floor and AJ kind of...jumps to the side of her, rather than over her?), but in general it's choreographed cleverly to allow Lauren to channel maximum imperiousness, and the ending where AJ bites the apple and slumps to the floor is so camp and brilliant that I laughed out loud. Hooray! Even if the first half of the Hallowe'en special was a slog, the second half delivered.

Lauren picks up the apple that ended up rolling halfway across the studio (we stan a tidy queen) and hands it to Craig. Ha! Craig calls her "a woman after my own heart, a wicked queen". He thought the shaping needed work and it was a bit wobbly in places, but the focus and energy she brought were brilliant. Darcey loved her power and intention - she just wants Lauren to use her waist to create more curves in her body. Shirley loved the attitude, and disagrees with Craig - she didn't see any wobbly bits, she thought it was powerful and Lauren's best dance so far. Bruno finishes by saying that as evil queens go, Lauren is better and prettier than her (Craig), and it was a regal performance to be proud of. He finishes with the Brendan Cole Memorial Speech In Tribute To Hair, Make-Up, Costume And Production Design for all of their hard work this evening.

They queen their way up to the Clauditorium, where AJ wonders out loud why it was so easy for Lauren to get into the character of someone who wants to kill him. Why indeed. Lauren says she's loved this week, and maybe being an evil witch did help her. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 29 - Lauren's highest score to date. Lauren is overjoyed to get two eights, albeit briefly unsure whether she did in fact get two eights.

Final scoreboard:
1=. Ashley & Pasha - 39
1=. Faye & Giovanni - 39
3=. Stacey & Kevin - 35
3=. Joe & Dianne - 35
5. Danny & Amy - 30
6. Lauren & AJ - 29
7. Charles & Karen - 25
8. Graeme & Oti - 21
9=. Dr Ranj & Janette - 20
9=. Kate & Aljaž - 20
9=. Seann & Katya - 20

Wowzer, that's a lot of ties. Also, a three-way tie for last place? That's unprecedented, apart from the four-way tie for last we had last year during No Bruno Week, and then there were the mitigating circumstances of only having three judges and therefore having less score variation. Claudia declares the lines open, and we get our recap of this week's spooky performances. Then there's just time to tease tomorrow's results show, including music from Rita Ora and that pro routine where Aljaž tries to have a party without inviting Oti. Should be bloodshed! Join us for that.

Saturday 27 October 2018

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Everyone in the central vertical grid of the contestant display has now been eliminated, if you want to start your conspiracy theories.
- 'Thigh-burning foxtrot' just sounds wrong.  Anton will be twirling in his grave.
- Got To Dance winner Lukas McFarlane choreographed Lauren and AJ's contempowaft.
- Lauren and AJ are going to do a spooky paso to 'Poison' by Nicole Scherzinger, and Lauren is going to play an Evil Queen who tries to kill AJ's Huntsman.
- AJ thinks that the Huntsman was "the fairest of them all".
- Joe is going to the toilet quite a lot.
- Darren Bennet thinks we've lost those couples where you go "yeah, get them out quick". Have we?
- He also thinks the standards are consistent, which... he hasn't been watching, has he?
- Vick and Graziano spent the entire week trying to master the straight leg. Oops.
- Zoe's daughter cried when Vick got eliminated.
- Vick thinks one of the problems between her and Graziano was "the language barrier".
- Giovanni has learned the phrase 'cherry on the top'.
- Faye and Giovanni are doing couples' choice this week - musical theatre, with a lot of Fosse.
- Katya thought they would be in the dance-off but ONLY because EVERYONE ELSE was SO GOOD (sure Jan).
- In the first group dance, Seann only had to wiggle his hips and in one-eighth he went off-time twice.
- Seann has got further on this show than he expected to (LOL I BET HE HAS).
- Seann thinks he might kill the Viennesse Waltz this week.  Good, kill it dead.  Perhaps by finally coming good on that vomit story that's never come to fruition.
- When Lilia watches contempowaft she doesn't want to see steps and choreography, she wants to see what you've got to tell her.
- Darren's contempowaft face is super creepy.
- The show has apparently officially run out of original ideas for Halloween music choices.
- This week's pro dance is about Aljaž having a party and not inviting Oti.
- Pasha appears to spend much of it sitting down for some reason.
- Ranj prefers to be on in the middle of the show.
- Ranj misheard "Fred and Ginger" as "bread and ginger".
- Amy's dad got so excited when her jive with Danny got a 10 that his slipper flew off and hit Amy's mum in the face.
- Danny hasn't lifted anyone since Jackie Harman in 1983.
- Kevin has no skills other than dancing.  And wearing glasses.
- Kevin's top tip for Stacey to pull off the samba was to pretend she was a drag queen in Palm Springs.
- All the pro girls want Stacey's samba dress for the cruise or the tour.
- Charlton FC were tweeting Stacey after she misspoke on Saturday.
- There is a Kevin (from Grimsby) Appreciation Group online that has over 600 members.
- Kevin's doing another gender-role reversal for Stacey's tango because she's playing the Thirteenth Doctor and will be dancing some of the male part.
- Amy can play the piano and Johannes can cook lasagne.
- Both Johannes and Amy have had wardrobe malfunctions that left them on stage in just their underpants.
- Ashley loves a good warm-up.
- Pasha has started pronouncing his own name the same way Ashley does.
- Ashley and Pasha are going to be Trolls for their charleston to 'Witch Doctor'. No idea why. Maybe they got a job lot of make-up for Aston and Janette last year and it expires soon?
- Nadiya can't ride a bike.
- Neil used to sell burgers in a fast-food restaurant.
- There will be a lot of pink at Hallowe'en this year.
- Graeme and Oti were putting in 12-hour training days for the tango.
- Graeme wants to impress Shirley more than the other judges, but Craig is his favourite.
- Oti taught Graeme how to moonwalk on Monday.
- It would appear that Oti talks about That Time She Almost Won With Danny Mac quite a lot in training.
- Gorka and Neil put the willies up Gethin for Hallowe'en.
- Charles thinks it was a blessing to 'herald a new dance'.
- Zoe thinks Jeremy Vine having a radio show and a telly show is too much work, so start panicking about who will be hosting this show next year... now.
- This song does not want to leave 'Time Warp' alone and Charles and Karen are next to desecrate the pure memory of Michelle and Brendan.
- Charles does not want to get 25 again, or indeed go below 25.
- They use a lot of hairspray on Giovanni.
- Lisa Armstrong's birthday was this week.
- This week's Friday panel is Iain Stirling, Sarah Hadland and Mandip Gill - and apparently Jack and Dani are going to be doing it next week.
- Zoe predicts Mandip will be the first Doctor Who Strictly contestant although Mandip protests she has two left feet.
- Kevin is so good at apple bobbing he even managed to sabotage Giovanni's efforts.
- A "twinkle" means something very different in Scotland.
- Kate's husband is going to take dance lessons.
- Aljaž would be happy for Alfonso to be a judge permanently if he keeps giving them high scores.
- Kate and Aljaž have a weird love for Rag'n'Bone Man.
- Aljaž won't let Kate have the actual music for her dances too early because she starts mum-dancing to it.
- Kate is going to be an ice queen and Aljaž an ice king who melts her.  That is explicitly NOT the plot of Frozen, but I'll let it go.
- Kate thought she was doing well at the rumba until she rewatched Ashley's.
- There will be pyrotechnics in Stacey and Kevin's tango.
- Zoe cries at 'Rainbow Connection.'
- It's hard to say 'Craig Revel Horwood' wearing vampire teeth.
- Danny thinks anyone can get a 10 at jive (although he phrases it as 'anyone can shake their thang').  Except Vick.
- Iain can't imagine Dr Ranj delivering bad news because he's the happiest doctor in the world.
- Sarah thinks Ranj should get extra points for the way his tush sticks out.
- Iain thinks Kevin will look like the Tin Man instead of a Cyberman.
- Iain doesn't like the rumba because he had to watch his parents dance it once.
- Sarah Hadland should absolutely be the first in line next time they need a guest judge for this show.
- Iain won't say who he thinks is in danger, Sarah says Seann and Katya, Mandip doesn't know.
- Ashley looks unnervingly like Katie Waissel sometimes.
- Graeme has extensive knowledge of the Trolls universe.
- Graeme is going to steal Ashley's power of 'legs that bend the wrong way' for his cha cha.
- Claire From Steps Richards is the guest performer of the week - but not on the day Faye's in make of that what you will.

Tuesday 23 October 2018

Abandon Hope

Week 5: Top 12 Results - 21 October 2018

Last night! Charles, Danny and Ashley excelled! Vic, Lauren and Seann very much didn’t! And Bruno was skiving again so Alfonso Ribeiro turned up to tell us he once won Dancing With the Stars! Tonight! We see who’s going through to Halloween!

So, tonight’s pro dance. What I assume happened is that MattFlintMania heard The Baseballs’ cover of ‘…Baby One More Time’ and decided ‘oh yes, I’m going to choreograph to that, AND, GET THIS, Imma make it baseball themed hark at my genius’. In this lindy-jivey-miscellaneous routine, Katya and Pasha play opposing team captains for The Strictly Dodgers (men) and the Glitter Sox (men). Anton plays Katya’s coach, Amy and Aljaž play people who got caught on camera snogging when they shouldn’t be (TOO SOON, MATTFLINTMANIA), Graziano plays a hot dog vendor and Nadiya plays the one who left her PE kit at home and had to find a spare top from the clothes bin of shame. It’s very silly although it is at least more entertaining than the real thing – I went to a baseball game in the States once and it went on forever with nothing happening except someone singing the national anthem and me not knowing what to do at that point whilst everyone put their hands on their hearts and sang along. Seriously – they’d hit a ball, do the running, then all go off the pitch for 20 minutes of waiting around, rinse and repeat - I left two hours in and they hadn’t even finished the first half or scored any home runs – a bit like the first two weeks of any Strictly series, really.

Tess and Claudia enter, Tess in a purple strapless dress, Claudia in a nude and sparkly dress that doesn’t quite suit her skintone. It’s weird how Tess is actually being dressed better than Claudia this series, isn’t it? The judges dance on, except for Darcey, whose dress is so tight on the legs that she can only shuffle awkwardly.

Interminable recap of last night in which the following of interest happens: Danny calls himself an ‘official fly boy for strictly’, Kate wants to go shopping in her Viennese Waltz dress… Seann and Vick are singled out for criticism whilst Kate’s flaws are emphasised over Ranj and Lauren’s despite scoring higher than both, perhaps suggesting she’s in danger?

And now to the first set of results. Safe: Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Graeme and Oti.  The first couple in the dance-off? Seann and Katya. If Vick and Graziano are down there with them and both perform the same as in the performance show, it’ll be interesting whether the judges cut off Vick for a worse dance or Seann for…well, all the reasons they might choose to jettison Seann over anyone else.

In the Clauditorium, Charles thanks everyone including his late dad, Faye complains about Giovanni’s singing, which she describes ‘confident and passionate’, with a look on her face that says ‘I have been in a band with the two Lees (Latchford-Evans and Lisa Scott) and bloody H, I have had to use confident as a euphemism many times’. Graeme tells us he has ‘Thriller’ next week for HALLOWEEN. No idea what dance genre, but I suspect we’ll be none the wiser even after we’ve seen it.

And now for the second set of safety results, and time to find out if they’re still doing three of these things – and with these being so early on, I suspect they might be. Danny and Amy are fine, as are Stacey and Kevin, Joe and Dianne and Ashley and Pasha, leaving the couples who were at the bottom on the leaderboard to find out their fate.

Alfonso is asked for advice and he says it’s not a nice feeling, but you know when you’re likely to be near the bottom and mentally prepare yourself for it. Not sure explaining how it feels to wait is quite the same as advice, but then what advice can you give to people who are in dance-off decision limbo?
In the Clauditorium, we learn that Danny is happy to have finally danced well; Ashley and Pasha have a Charleston next week which probably means the traditional ‘make-up, hair and costume make Pasha look ridiculous for Halloween’ gag is still on for this year; Joe likes a lavender bath (and Kevin’s weird infatuation with him continues as he offers to come round and share in the fun); and Stacey and Kevin have run out of stories so are reusing ones they told us on ITT.

Special Musical Guest Star of the week is regular results show guest Paloma Faith, who has either gone blonde, or been replaced by Billie Piper. She is also wearing a TERRIBLE dress mashing up a nylon Barbie-pink 60s-look with satin bronze puffed sleeves, that looks like the kind of thing ‘quirky’ contestants do in Project Runway episode ones before getting cut. [Part of me wonders if this was originally meant to be on for Hallowe'en but there was a last minute schedule change? - SteveIt makes about as much sense as fusion week or Aljaž samba. Johannes and Karen (in their pyjamas, of course) show AJ and Lauren how contempowaft is supposed to be done.

Dance Debrief time, and the judges arrive and do some sub-Gangnam Style lassos and squatting dance moves. Danny’s jive is shown as Darcey effuses over the power and quality and there being ‘no doubt’ about it needing a 10; Joe’s heelwork is singled out for praise by Shirley, whilst Craig demonstrates what he means by emotional reaction in contemporary dance by pretending to punch Alfonso in the stomach. Alfonso says Charles and Karen’s routine reminds him of when he was (according to Alfonso) cool in the 80s and he does a bit more Bruno impersonating but still doesn’t fall off his seat what is the point.

There then follows an advert for all the spin-off media; It Takes Two, social media, podcast, unknown miscellaneous BBC Three content; Strictly Come Dancercize; Dancing With the Stars (did they mention that show yet); Gleb On The Farm and James Jordan’s ‘edgy’ Twitter rants.

And at last we come to the part where we learn who’s in the dance-off. Safe? Kate and Aljaž; Ranj and Janette. This leaves Lauren and AJ and Vick and Graziano in danger, with the couple in the dance-off being Vick and Graziano. Which is good, because thinking of a title for these recaps is sometimes tricky and I’ve only worked out puns for Seann and Vick.

Darcey tells her to do what she did on Saturday. Given she was bottom of the leaderboard, surely that’s not great advice. Craig tells her she has infectious passion and energy but to aim for a straight leg more.

We learn that Kate and Aljaž have a rumba next week (YES) with an ice-queen theme, to Kate’s alleged favourite song. Kate worries that it's hard, but Aljaž says it's the perfect dance for Halloween (correct). Lauren and AJ have the paso next week. Halloween is Ranj’s favourite time of the year and he can take up to five hours to get ready – as when he was a wood nymph (amazing make-up, but not what’s with the T-shirt?).

HALLOWEEN trailer now, and everyone has a ‘magic mirror’ that causes them all to sabotage each other by, erm, blowing air? I swear these things used to have at least a little bit of a budget before, even if it was restricted to a couple of paper witch hats, some cotton wool webbing and a plastic spider or two.

And now to the dance-off. Seann’s still hampered by the music, his poor footwork and a general sense of can’t be arsed with this any longer. Vick’s footwork is still terrible, but she does at least put more energy into it and looks like she’s enjoying it more than Seann, so it’s possible she could win this. Craig says both couples need a lot of work but on that routine he’ll save Vick and Graziano.  Darcey saves Seann and Katya for ‘a cleaner performance’ (and is booed). Alfonso thinks they both stepped up, but he’s saving Seann and Katya for fewer mistakes, leaving Shirley to make the final call. For enjoying their performance most, she saves Seann and Katya. I wasn’t really expecting that going on that dance-off – but, leaving aside the dramas, I guess Seann’s performance over the series has been stronger. [I think Vick's probably been more consistent than Seann has overall, but they were both absolutely diabolical in that dance-off and so there was a convincing argument to be made for getting rid of either one. I probably would've saved Vick for having more potential overall, but...feh, I can't get too upset about it. - Steve]

Vick thanks everyone who’s supported her and Graziano effuses about Vick, babbling out more words in five seconds than he has in five weeks of this show (including It Takes Two). Vick and Graziano dance out to ‘Miss You Like Crazy’ which isn’t the best fit for our singers. The post-mortem analysis features Danny saying ‘anything’s possible when you’ve got Amy as your partner’ which doesn’t quite mimic anything we’ve seen either last year or in any of the previous weeks of this series. Sorry Amy. Next week it’s Halloween, and Rita Ora will be the special guest. Join Steve then, and the week after, to see the horrors unfold, and I will be with you in three weeks' time when we'll finally get into single digits of contestants and the show might have a more manageable running time!

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Week 5: Top 12 Perform - 20 October 2018

Last week! A thoroughly mediocre set of dances! Stacey and Kevin finished top, whilst Katie and Gorka left! We learned that no-one is voting for Charles and Karen! “That” Seann and Katya incident! And Steve clutched his pearls at my using innuendo as a means of keeping myself entertained whilst slogging through that bilge!

We open with a dizzying montage of the celebs all rotating round each other talking about how much they want to stay and it makes me feel a bit ill, and reminds me why they should never broadcast this show in 4DX! Cue titles! Anton clutching Susannah’s leg in the least unsexy manner imaginable is always a highlight of my Saturday.

Tess and Claudia enter – Tess in a nice white jumpsuit and Claudia in a sparkly black dress. Tess’s jumpsuit looks a little unflattering round the midriff but overall these aren’t too bad. The judges enter, Shirley in a dress that appears to be made of the same fabric as Claudia’s, so the designers must have had a job lot; Darcey in a demure green; Craig in a black suit and Special Guest Judge Alfonso Ribeiro salsas on in a velvet red suit because Bruno is having another mid-series holiday.

The couples arrive: Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Seann and Katya; Stacey and Kevin; Dr Ranj and Janette; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Kate and Aljaž; Graeme and Oti; Vick and Graziano; Danny and Amy; Ashley and Pasha and oh boy are there some crazy outfits and hairdos going on tonight. For those keeping tabs on the theme tune dancing, Lauren has gone beyond any attempt at being arsed and Ashley only remembers at the very end.

We then get a Very Special Introduction to Very Special Guest Judge Alfonso, including a reminder that he won Dancing With the Stars (series 19! At this point they must be signing up people’s housekeepers. I mean Strictly is only on series 16 and it’s already resorting to Susannah Constantine and Vick Hope). Tess doesn’t mention the past horrors of importing judges from that show, but Alfonso says (or, rather, shouts – his voice makes Bruno look quiet) that he’s ‘a glass half-full person’ and is looking for people having fun, so there’s a chance we’ll get some Donny 10s.

Ranj and Janette are first, and in their VT, Ranj says he thinks he is a ‘Latin boy’. I’m going to state right now that I am officially over contestants being declared as Latin/Ballroom boys/girls. This is especially annoying with Vick but they’re all at it. We also learn that Ranj is in a choir, The Adam Street Singers.  His choir turn up to surprise him at rehearsals, singing ‘Wouldn’t it Be Nice’, the song choice for this week’s routine. Then Janette sings along and ruins it which isn’t the first time she’s had a good thing going only to fuck it up part way through, amirite?

They’re dancing a foxtrot-based American Smooth with a 50s/60s beach theme – he in pastel braces and short trousers, she in red polka dots and a swishy pink skirt because costume are still working through their big book of mid 20th century design as per last week. It’s actually quite sweet as a routine; he may not always have very clean finishing in his movements, but he has a real knack for performance, and his timing is good. 

We quickly welcome the singers (Hayley, Jamie, Andrea, Tommy), Dave Arch and the orchestra.  Shirley declares it a sunny way to start the show and says she can see him starting to become comfortable in frame and improving his footwork. Alfonso does a perfect Bruno impression, standing, gesticulating and calling him wonderful - which I'll laugh at if he only does it this once -then says Ranj really delivered. Craig says it was a bit clumpy in hold but overall he loved the routine. Darcey says his core is strengthening (DRINK) but he does need to watch his transitions in and out of hold.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Ranj has been tired and is still looking for a second ab. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 25, which… seems lower than those comments suggested.

And now for our weekly terms and conditions slot in which we get our third former EastEnder in a row – Anita Dobson. Which puts paid to the theory about this being a way of previewing potential new contestants unless we’ve run out of celebrities and are resorting to recycling them. She reads the Ts&Cs out in her best RP newsreader voice, and no-one quite seems to know how to deal with it being taken seriously.

AJ and Lauren are in the death slot with our first couple’s choice of the series: contemporary dance.  Darcey is asked what it’s about – and, shock! It’s about everything coming from the core. And also fluid, continuous movement with supple-ness and emotion.

In the VT, Lauren says she struggles with emotion, which the dance requires. However, we don’t get an acting coach, instead, we have her emotional life story – her family supporting her through her life and career and inspiring her not to let her disability define her life, which is very sweet. AJ and Lauren go to meet her family in ‘Central Park’ - and to think we said it was extravagant that time they flew Kevin and Louise to Paris for a VT. 

They’re dancing to ‘Running’ and it will come as no surprise, I’m sure, that the routine opens with dry ice, blue lighting and big ceiling hankies. It quickly becomes apparent why this hasn’t been given a great slot in the running order. The dance really doesn’t suit Lauren – which isn’t helped by her costume, an odd blurple tunic affair with a glittery leotard underneath that ends up shaped like a bit of a loincloth – and with her movements being oddly hunched and clumpy, it gives the effect of her doing the haka. AJ at least looks more the part in the classic open white shirt and tight trousers male pros usually get to wear for contempowaft on this show. The routine is full of lifts, some executed more successfully than others (there’s one where she rolls back onto his head and he lifts her up which is pretty impressive just for the physics-defying nature of it), and overall it just looks angular and uncomfortable rather than soft and lyrical. She then goes to hug her family in the audience which is quite nice, I guess.

We learn that Alfonso performed a contemporary routine on DWTS and got a perfect score for it, presumably for not crashing into the singer and violinists who took up half the dance floor, because it only had about three steps in the whole thing. [Three steps? Wow, that's the longest routine in Dancing With The Stars history! - Steve] He says he was pleased Lauren had this dance because she has an emotional story to tell, but neglects to comment on the dancing itself. Craig says it felt like a set of still, unconnected pictures rather than a full, flowing routine, but he thought she was really brave with all the lifts. Darcey praises her strength and control but says it needs to breathe more and have a smoother quality. Shirley says she loved her flexed feet, and thought Lauren delved deep today into the emotion although she agrees with Craig about it lacking fluidity. AJ says there were about 12 lifts in the dance, although it seemed like more, to be honest. Scores: 4, 6, 7, 7 (LOLWUT) for a total of 24.

Graeme and Oti are the third couple of the show, and his eyeliner looks about as convincing as Pasha’s did last week. Their VT features his 3 adorable kids (for it seems to be ‘get the families involved’ week) begging Oti to come over, and if someone is ever casting for a child version of Glasses Kevin, they could do a lot worse than Graeme’s son.

Their tango is to ‘Roxanne’, which is not exactly an exciting choice given it turns up every other year or so. They’re wearing black and red, which is just confusing, for they are surely the colours of paso doble? It’s a standard mid-table tango – traditional rose-in-mouth, traditional use of ‘Roxanne’, traditional mean’n’moody lighting – it’s solid whilst not flashy. You can see him really trying with the technique - keeping his knees bent and trying to focus – although the effort is sometimes written on his face too obviously. 

Craig says he could really see that he’d been working on technique, although it lacked passion. Darcey agrees and says he also needs to watch his head which moves a little too much.  Shirley says she disagrees and thinks the ‘international’ tango doesn’t need to have emotion. Alfonso babbles on about ‘goals’ in the manner of someone who thinks all these English sports are the same, but I think he liked it. Graeme then runs onto the dance floor to grab the decapitated head of the rose and shoves it in Tess’s mitts before planting a kiss on her, which freaks her out, and I bet he was on a dare to do that as revenge for all the times she gets ‘the claw’ out. Scores: 6, 7, 8, 8 for a total of 29.

Ashley and Pasha now, and their VT features some fairly ropey looking training footage and Ashley pronouncing Pasha as Par-shah [question that occurred to me this week: since she pronounces his name "Par-sha", why doesn't she pronounce her own name "Arsh-ley"? - Steve], but other than that, it’s hard work, she’s a bit nervous, there’s nothing happening here that’s in any way interesting, unless you count Faye cheering her on in training with a ‘better not beat my rumba score bitch’ glint in her eye.

They are dancing to ‘Something About the Way You Look Tonight’, ie the song they used to have to play on Top of the Pops when Elton John decided not to sully the purity of his quickly knocked-off Candle in the Wind reboot. Clearly he was Aliona and Jay’s inspiration for not reliving that jive in the series 13 final. And it’s fine – it doesn’t have much in the way of gimmicks (sparkly navy blue outfits that are relatively tasteful, no dry ice or props) unless you count Pasha spinning Ashley round like a wooden top. The movements flow together pretty well although Ashley’s posture is a bit stiff at times.  But Ashley’s performance seems to be focused on ‘let’s show you I can dance this’ rather than any kind of emotional connection with Pasha (she doesn’t even look at him at any point), so it all feels a bit competent but tame.

Darcey praises the extension and resistance in Ashley’s movement, but notes that sometimes there are jerky elements she needs to watch. [Seann Walsh? - Steve] Shirley praises the technique, the hip action and the spins and says Darcey is right in the sliding door action but it was mostly really polished. Alfonso loved the changes in tempo, whilst Craig declares it uh-may-zing. Claudia says Ashley is a weirdo for wanting to do the rumba and Ashley growls about hip action. Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 36.

Seann and Katya are next, and their VT tells us that Seann is playing a busker this week and therefore needs to learn to play guitar, so to teach him they bring in… Graeme and Oti? Anyway, it turns out Graeme doesn’t have any mad skillz to impart, so this may just have been chaperoning under another guise. The rest of the VT features Seann moaning about using a prop and also he’s over this show now, he has no shits left to give, vote him out, see if he cares.

Following a sex-free pizza Charleston, then, we have a sex-free quickstep to ‘Lightning Bolt’, which does not sound good, sorry new boy Jamie. It also doesn’t look especially good – Seann is struggling to keep his balance, there’s a bit where they sit on the floor and struggle to get up again, and the timing is all over the place. Still, Seann’s hair is tied up so maybe Shirley will like that.

Shirley points out that there were loads of issues with technique, many mistakes, but the dicking about with the guitar was OK. [Please don't say "dicking about" w/r/t this couple - SteveAlfonso says he personally doesn’t really get the quickstep and was shit at it himself (and had a seriously messed-up song choice), so he sympathises, but you couldn’t miss the mistakes. Craig says it looked a state, but it was at least lively. Darcey says he gets over-excited and it just results in him being bouncy and uncontrolled. Scores: 5, 6, 6, 7 (TAKE THAT QUICKSTEP, ALFONSO’S GONNA OVERMARK A TRAINWRECK FOR REVENGE) for a total of 24.

Stacey and Kevin now, as she continues her journey towards being this series’ best non-ringer.  They’re apparently dancing to ‘Tequila’ and every time someone says they’re going to dance to that on this show I keep hoping they mean the Terrorvision one and yet they never do, the spoilsports. [Omg same - Steve]

Their samba is a full on camp extravaganza, all pink tassles and feathers, as if Kylie’s Showgirl era was a bit too subtle for Kevin’s taste [which it probably was - Steve]. It works because Stacey is absolutely game for this theme and has a personality loud enough to cope with it. She could let loose in her body a little more and appears a lot more comfortable out of hold than in it, but as Kevin Clifton Strictly Ballroom tributes go, it’s much more successful than that unholy mess he brought to the dancefloor last year.

Stacey declares how excited she is to be performing for ‘Charlton’ (Athletic, they’re all there, right on the back row where they hide all the men). [Like, I genuinely thought that's what she meant at first, it was only when people on Twitter started making fun of it that I realised she meant "Carlton". - SteveAlfonso says she might top the leaderboard again tonight (she won’t) and compares her dance to painting the Mona Lisa. That painting famous for camp exuberance. Craig praises her party spirit, Darcey says it got a bit wild at times but it was still fantastic. Shirley says it was a great basic routine and Stacey’s face trying to work out if this is a compliment or not is quite a picture. But then Shirley stands up and says Stacey’s hips were going ‘boom boom’ which is probably a sign she loved it and if Bruno were here he would have absolutely turned that comment into a joke about ‘the last time hips went boom boom on this show Craig ended up in hospital’ and I kind of miss Bruno a bit.

Kevin escorts Stacey and her huge feathery fans up to the Clauditorium and Claudia mocks Stacey for looking like that when she didn’t even want to wear lipstick before she started on the show. Scores: 8, 7, 9, 9 for a total of 33. God I love it when Darcey goes a bit rogue and scores low for no particular reason and then gets booed for her trouble.

We are still at the stage in the series where we’ve got so many couples we need a mid-show leaderboard, so here it is:
1. Ashley and Pasha - 36
2. Stacey and Kevin - 33
3. Graeme and Oti - 29
4. Dr Ranj and Janette - 25
5=. Lauren and AJ - 24
5=. Seann and Katya - 24

Joe and Dianne now and they’re going to be doing a waltz, which hasn’t been seen round these parts for so long I was about to send a search party out to find it. In their VT, Joe is wearing some odd back support strap thing that’s all pastel purples and blues and therefore looks like a baby’s reins, as if this show wasn’t infantilising him enough. His sister Zoe turns up to training and the show is remarkably restrained in not going ‘aka the famous Zoella, she’s really famous she is’, in case you were wondering where she stands on the Brian May – Billy Connolly – Other Girls Alouds - Peter Crouch – JLS – Blue continuum of significant celebrity friends and family. She’s snuck in just below yellow JLS (Mewwy Christmas!) but above Antony Costa.

They’re dancing to ‘The Rainbow Connection’ and if you were hoping for Surprise! Muppet! Cameos! Then I’m afraid the closest you’re going to get is the fact that Dianne had Elmo skinned and his fur straightened to form her trademark hairdo. (Or is Elmo a Sesame Street?) [Elmo cannot be contained by any one show, more's the pity. - SteveThe theme of this dance is a bit undefined – Joe appears to be wearing the breeches and hat of the New York skyscraper builders from those Athena posters, but with a contemporary patterned blouse, cos that’s his Strictly signature outfit, and he happens to meet a glamorous Dianne on a log somewhere. His dancing is actually really good – I had thought the slow ballroom might not suit him but it looks like I was wrong. He doesn’t seem to be showing much emotion, but when does he ever?

Craig praises his dancing but says he wishes there had been more going on in Joe’s performance, Darcey says he was taking control of the dance and he had poise and elegance, although there was a little bit where they went out of sync. Shirley says the dance had innocence and vulnerability and she loved his footwork. Alfonso said he felt that there was a magical connection and he had an innocent smile which was ‘like Kermit the Frog’ and ‘small’. I’d say Kermit’s smile was the one big thing about him (so Miss Piggy tells me) [RAD - Steve] but I guess trying to make sense of an Alfonso critique is futile. In the Clauditorium, Claudia says she was watching his mum and nan and we learn that the waltz is both Joe’s nan and, somewhat randomly, Dianne’s, favourite dance. Scores: 6 (which gets a ‘what?’), 7, 8, 8 for a total of 30.

Vick and Graziano and the saga of is she a ballroom or Latin girl now, and Tess says ‘what better week for her to go home’ – YOU ALREADY KNOW SHE’S LEAVING? ARE YOU TELLING US THIS SHOW IS RIGGED TESS? #CALLOFCOM. Oops no, she meant they were going to visit Newcastle to see Vick’s home town (/city). They visit a park and a windy beach but there’s no sign of Byker Grove, Gazza, the cast of Geordie Shore, Newky brown or my ex-uni housemate John, and the ‘Tyne’ doesn’t have any fog on it, so are they really in Newcastle or is it just BBC lies? (Yes they “visit” the Angel of the North but any old fool can use photoshop) She says it’s a part of you and somewhere you’re proud of, but not so proud you keep the accent, eh Vick?

Their cha cha cha is to ‘More Than Friends’ i.e. that recent remix of En Vogue’s ‘Don’t Let Go’, and it’s not the easiest track to dance to, not that we can blame what’s going on here entirely on the track. This routine starts very badly, with Vick stumbling around trying to get her feet to work. She’s approaching Charlotte Hawkins levels of uncomfortable in places, as the pace and rhythm get the better of her; and at one point in the spins it looks like Graziano is giving her the Heimlich manoeuvre, although she does try to put energy into it even though she looks like that one friend who you know you should take home because they’ve had a few too many and they’re seconds away from telling everyone in the club how much they love them before throwing their shoe at a bouncer, getting kicked out and crying all the way home. In other words, it’s all just a bit awkward and leaves me wondering yet again why she was cast, as, whilst she’s OK in ballroom, she’s far from the ringer we were expecting. She seems lovely though, and I quite like the pink and yellow dress she’s wearing, though I appreciate this is the faintest of praise. The audience, however, whoop like crazy, so maybe it had more to it in the studio.

Darcey praises her conviction and the wildness of the routine, but says her technique needed a lot of work – she got straight legs some of the time but not consistently. Shirley says it took 16 bars before anything recognisable as cha cha, that she disagrees with Darcey and there were no straight legs; that they didn’t do anything at the start of the dance; the facial expressions didn’t match the movement (?) but at least she was giving it some welly ‘as Len would say’ but he’s a ‘beautiful girl’. Wow, that felt savage. Alfonso said she was having a great time, and if you were in a club you’d want to dance with her, but Shirley is correct about there being technical issues. Craig says it’s true that she had energy, but that didn’t stop it being a DAHNCE DISAHSTAH.

In the Clauditorium, Vick says she enjoyed it but she was nervous and Claudia reminds us that everyone hates the cha cha (or at least they have since last series). Scores: 4, 6, 4, 6 for a total of 20.

Still to come: Faye’s thighs are hurting and she’s finding it hard to go down. Ooo-err missus etc.

Kate and Aljaž are next, and we cue up their routine with Tess and Claud discussing their romantic Viennesse waltz, and them sending a love letter. Tess asks if it has kisses on the bottom and Claudia replies ‘no I think they just hold hands’, which: no to the idea of a chaste Kate, thanks, bring back the wanton sex goddess. Their VT involves Kate saying her sister told her she needs to find a character for this dance, Aljaž teaching her what a fleckerl is (it’s one of the few dance moves every viewer can confidently identify is what it is), Stacey and Kevin watching their rehearsal as Kate fucks up her ankle and Stacey saying it’s fine if you fluff rehearsals because it’ll make you do it right on the night – which is a well-known theatre superstition, so does Stacey have a secret stage background after all?

Anyway, this Viennesse Waltz is to a song called ‘Finally Mine’ that I don’t think I’ve heard before, and it’s the same ‘woman misses her military boyfriend and then he comes back / visits her in spirit how romantic’ storyline we get a variation of every year. Is this the poppy deployment button, meaning every person who appears on telly between now and a few days after Remembrance Sunday has to wear one at all times or they’re branded an enemy of the people? (God that never gets old, does it?) Given the theme, it’s very chaste and sweet rather than sexy – although I expect that is the opposite of what really happens when military personnel come home from duty – and at the end it’s all a dream and Kate hams up crying over her love letter which is the best bit honestly because Viennesse Waltz is the boringest. 

Shirley says she’s finally back and it got a bit lost with the faffing about at the desk, but there were some light and beautiful touches and her frame is getting better. Alfonso praises the elegance, Craig says he’s on the fence about it and feels it’s a bit mediocre when she has the potential to be exceptional. Darcey says there was a nice quality and sophisticated performance, but her back needs more feeling in it to create nicer shapes. Aljaž whoops his way up to the Clauditorium, we see Kate’s family in the audience and Kate says she’s had a wobbly week following the samba but she thought that was OK, and we learn that Susan Calman is a Kate stan. Scores: 6 (Silence), 6 (BOOOO), 6 (Also BOOO), 8 for a total of 26.

Amy and Danny are up next, dancing a jive, which Alfonso apparently scored 40 for when he was on a little known dancing show at some point. Like, doing a jive well isn’t really a big deal, I don’t think? This show has that many sacred jive routines in its catalogue that they’re selling them off at half price to be recreated by comedy contestants. 

Their routine is set on a 1940s-ish bi-plane [so we can't have same-sex couples but we can have bi-planes? Just keeping track - Steve], which is basically the theme of Kimberley Walsh’s Charleston, the thieves. Amy takes him to a field to stand on a plane and try to dance. Whilst it’s flying. And she watches him rather than being fool enough to try it herself. This is pretty much the most insane dedication to a VT storyline I’ve ever seen, so I’d be kind of inclined to give him a 9 or 10 for actually endangering his life in honour of dance.

And whilst they have a plane in the set for their dance, they don’t even dance on it – BBC Health and Safety might be OK with you standing on an actual plane in the air, but is never going to cover you titting about on a hastily-cobbled together bit of MDF, they still remember the teapot catastrophe from Changing Rooms thanks. However, this routine (to ‘Flip, Flop, Fly’) is probably the first time we see Danny really demonstrate his ability. I suspect jive is not that far removed from musical theatre in its steps, energy and rhythms, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that it’s a good’un. They incorporate ‘plane arms’ in a way that really works, and his kicks’n’flicks are great. There are a couple of places where he doesn’t seem to know what to do with his arms and his cheesy grin is a bit much for me, but at least we’re finally seeing something from this pairing that has some punch.

All the judges except Craig give him a standing ovation. Alfonso babbles on about Mother Earth being where the power comes from, which makes about as much sense as Bruno; Craig says it’s a dance for the final; Darcey calls it extraordinary and has an orgasm; Shirley says he ‘broke the seal’ which, coming off the back of Darcey’s O-noises, is either perfectly or terribly timed, you decide.  

Scores: 9, 10, 9, 9 for a total of 37 and if you were wondering if Darcey does the obnoxious standing up and bellowing ‘TEEEN’ thing she always does when she puts out for the first time, of course she does. Claudia reminds us that Amy left on a week 5 jive last year, and says she wonders how Danny’s kids will react to that. Danny says people are probably out on the streets celebrating. Calm down love, it’s a jive. Get a perfect score for a rumba and we might be talking.

Faye and Giovanni now. Faye tells Giovani they’re going to see the Northern Spire Bridge, in an episode sponsored by the North East tourist board. They closed the bridge for one whole second of them dancing on it, footage of which is obscured by a giant pillar. I bet motorists were REALLY chuffed with that situation. [This is honestly the most bizarre thing I've seen on this show, and you know I don't say that lightly. What was the point?! - Steve]

They’re dancing a foxtrot (is it just me, or does this series feel like an endless parade of foxtrots?) to ‘Just the Way You Are’ and it’s set in a forest with only one tree (so Sheffield, then). It’s quite a fast routine, with a lot of elements that feel more American Smooth than traditional foxtrot, including a lot of elements out of hold, but it’s well danced - not least because they have leaves falling all around them, which is surely a slip-up waiting to happen - and it’s very sweet and romantic in tone.

Craig says they hit each other’s legs in the first half, which I couldn’t really see, so maybe the cameras didn’t pick that up, but he thought they were gorgeous, and he umms and aahs about if he liked the part they danced out of hold before eventually deciding he did actually. Darcey praised the control; Shirley says she agrees with Craig and that Faye needed to be an inch or two to Giovanni’s side to make it work, and she thought the stride wasn’t quite strong enough, but it was elegant overall. Alfonso says you have to go where the music takes you and they had some fun with it, and despite a couple of issues, it was fantastic.

In the Clauditorium, we learn Faye had no nerves about this one, the CONFIDENT MONSTER. Scores: 8, 9, 8, 8 for a total of 33.

In the pimp slot? It’s Charles and Karen, which is quite the choice given the way their narrative has been going over the past couple of weeks. They’re both dressed in bright suits – he in a yellow suit they might have recycled from Ed Balls’ Mask samba, and Karen in a red version. I like bold colours but these are a bit of a stretch, taste-wise, even for me – partly because the suits are paired with ugly red hats. They’re dancing ‘street commercial’ which is a terrible name for what seems to be an amalgamation of various hip-hop and funk styles (and ‘music video’ as we learned last week) and the show clearly has much more faith in this couple’s choice than it did in Lauren and AJ’s. Their VT shows us Charles reminiscing on his past growing up in East London with a strict mum, unsupportive dad and lots of siblings. He also visits kids at the Grenfell Community Centre, so this is overall a bit of a do-over of Charles’s show personality up until this point.

They are dancing to ‘Get Up Offa That Thing’ and it soon becomes clear why this has been placed last in the running order. Whilst we don’t have a benchmark to compare it to in terms of what the show expects from this genre, it’s clearly well-danced, they’re both in sync, there’s lots of athletic jumping about over chairs and off tables, waving of hankies and splits. It’s very fast and very fun and easily his best dance so far, in what’s been a good night for the older male celebs.

Darcey says he has strong command of style, she loved the isolations of his hands and feet, and the control he had over the different elements. Shirley says it was a MAJOR breakthrough, it was suave, funky and fresh and it’s a huge comeback after being in the bottom two twice. Alfonso stands and gives his best Bruno ‘well what about that’, but he doesn't fall over, so either go full Bruno or stop, Alfonso. He says it reminds him of growing up and that the key technique for street dance is a good time, and Charles is now a contender to win. I mean… he probably isn’t, but we’ll let him have a moment. Craig says he was slightly late on the hanky – which gets a chorus of boos – but if Charles is in the dance-off again, he feels sorry for whoever ends up there with him.

There’s loads of cheering and screaming as they bound up to the Clauditorium and Charles says he did his dad proud. Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 36.  Karen collapses and shouts ‘I need chicken!’ [Because KAREN LIKE FOOD. - SteveShe thanks the choreographers and neither of them can breathe, so we cut to a leaderboard:
1. Danny and Amy - 37
2=. Ashley and Pasha - 36
2=. Charles and Karen - 36
4=. Stacey and Kevin - 33
4=. Faye and Giovanni - 33
6=. Graeme and Oti - 29
6=. Joe and Dianne - 29
8. Kate and Aljaz - 26
9. Dr Ranj and Janette - 25
10=. Lauren and AJ - 24
10=. Seann and Katya - 24
12. Vick and Graziano - 20

Yet again, we have a ton of ties there, making it hard to call who’ll be in the dance-off, but I can’t see Vick escaping it. [I never imagined Vick being bottom of the leaderboard this early in the proceedings, so at least this show can still surprise me. - SteveI suspect Charles will be safe this week, but any number of other couples could be in danger. But before that, we'll have our annual visit from Paloma Faith and endless plugging for HALLOWEEN, so join me then to see how all that pans out.