See ya, wouldn't wan(n)a be ya

Week 6: Top 11 Results (Hallowe'en Week) - 28 October 2018

The results show begins with that hotly-anticipated pro routine about Aljaž having a party and not inviting Oti, so she turns up and goes full Carrie White on everyone who has wronged her. First of all, let me say it is a bold conceptual choice to have Aljaž in the role of villainous overlord here because have you seen Aljaž's face, even when he's attempting to snarl he still looks like he's going to squeal "I'M AN UNCLE!" at any second. [I missed Brendan and it felt like it should have been the third part of his bizarre vampire trilogy - Rad] That's not to say it's not a stunning routine to watch because it absolutely is, particularly the bits where Oti clicks her fingers and the entire female pro line-up falls lifelessly to the ground around her. (I'm just saying, I hope this is a metaphor for contract renewal for series 17.) It ends with Oti winning, of course, just like everything should: pro dances, entire series of Strictly, Olympic 400m sprints, general elections.

Tess and Claudia return: Tess is in a sort of gold/bronze leaf-pattern dress, Claudia is in a sparkly black outfit with the exact same shaping as the outfit she had on yesterday except now it has shoulders and sleeves. And possibly even shoulder pads, it's very 1980s soap opera superbitch. Claudia thanks "Elizabeth Honan" (ooh, formal) for the choreography, and Tess reminds us that Saturday was a night of intense drama on the leaderboard, assuming you really like ties, that is. The judges return, and Bruno has discarded all the beads and baubles they put on him for the performance show, which I think is an excellent decision. Coco Chanel approves.

Backstage VT time: Charles does his best Richard O'Brien voice, Kate says that she's living out a little girl's dream by being an ice queen (which little girl is this, Anna Wintour aged 9 3/4?), Ashley refers to the make-up team as "the glam squad", Faye is enjoying getting her face painted, Dr Ranj and Stacey have a giggle about both of them being doctors this week, Graeme attempts to bite a camera, Danny isn't sure but he thinks he's a ghost, Lauren feels evil, Graeme gives us a "cha'mone", Darcey predicts "frightful performances". During the show itself: Amy is pleased that Danny is "Mr Consistency" even though it isn't exactly the sexiest nickname ever, Lauren likes Shirley for giving her an eight, Ranj is dejected (or about as dejected as Ranj seems to get, which means he still has a big grin on his face) but Janette tells him not to be down because he's fuzzy and cuddly and he still got fives, Seann squeakily apologies to Katya, Joe almost does a Sharon Osbourne into the door, Stacey is excited by her "highest score evs", Ashley is excited by Bruno saying it was the best moment of the season even though he missed a week and almost certainly doesn't remember anything that happened prior to that anyway, Nicole Scherzinger is so pleased she could come to "Ashley Come Dancing", Kimberly Wyatt hangs around grinning mutely in the background because that's what a Pussycat Doll does when Nicole's there, Faye squeals with delight, and Shirley dreads the coming dance-off. You and me both, Shirl. You and me both.

Back in the studio, Tess gives us another look at the scoreboard before unleashing THE CUE CARDS OF DOOM! The following couples are safe: Ashley and Pasha, Lauren and AJ, and Danny and Amy. Well, that was brief. Tess asks Shirley, since we're approaching the halfway point, whether this is the closest competition we've had in a long time, since four (four!) different couples have topped the leaderboard so far. Shirley says it is in fact the closest competition because it's not just close at the top, it's close at the bottom as well. Well, yes, but are the top and the bottom close to each other Shirley, no they really are not. Come back to me when Dr Ranj tops the leaderboard and it's a Faye vs Ashley bottom two dance-off. [Faye vs Ashley is scheduled for week after BLACKPOOL or thereabouts by my reckoning - Rad]

Claudia is with the safe couples, and Ashley says that she called her mom in America right after the show, and she was very happy to hear about the three 10s. Claudia congratulates Amy on getting farther than she did with Brian Conley, and Lauren says that she's loved this week, and she can't wait to do it all again. Oh, and she's got the jive next week, which AJ doesn't really have the best track record with, so that should be interesting.

Back to Tess and the CUE CARDS WHICH ARE STILL DOOM-LADEN! (Kevin keeps having to take his Cyberman earmuffs off to hear the announcements, or get Stacey to tell him what's happening, which is quite funny.) Joe and Dianne are safe, as are Faye and Giovanni and Kate and Aljaž. The first couple in the dance-off is...Seann and Katya. They both look very much like they were expecting this, and head over to the Tess corner. "Here we go again," Seann says, adding that he's gutted, but he hopes they can survive again. Tess asks Craig what his advice for Seann is, and Craig tells him not to be nervous, and to try to improve - ideally by making it smooth, and "going back to the proper Viennese waltz". Yeah, I'm sure that's going to make all the sense to Seann.

I'm getting whiplash as we zip back up to the Clauditorium: Faye reveals that Benjamin (the fact that he's always Benjamin and never "Ben" or "Benji" or anything is quite interesting, isn't it?) gave her a little metal arrow to point in the right direction, which she has on her all the time...but not on her right now. Dianne says that Joe has become a different person since the first day of rehearsals, and he's now a dancer. And a vampire. Kate says she was saying to Aljaž, "when's the red light coming on? Is it now?" because she was convinced they were in the dance-off.

Time for a bit of Rita Ora now, singing 'Let You Love Me'. She has brought her own dancers with her, which I would normally decry as the height of rudeness, but I can't ignore the fact that Rita's dancers are more ethnically diverse than the Strictly pro-line up has been at any point, so I'm going to let that one go. Also Rita Ora is the perfect musical guest for Hallowe'en, being at once intensely serious and inherently ridiculous. I love her so much.

Next, it's time for Dance Debrief, and Darcey would like to revisit Stacey's tango, in particular the section where Stacey gets to lead, and Darcey suspects Stacey rather enjoyed inflicting on Kevin all the things he has done to her many a time. Claudia wants to discuss Kate's rumba with Shirley because she thought it was beautiful, and Shirley says that Kate did beautiful back-walks, but demonstrates how every single part of your body needs to be incorporated in the cucaracha. Craig has another look at Faye's routine, and particularly her ponytailography which is very difficult. He didn't give her a 10 because her glasses were loose, and in the theahhhtarrr, you have to know your props inside out. Fair enough. Bruno chats about Joe's improvement as a dancer and a performer, and how he should be rewarded for that. Well, he has been, because he's already through to next week.

Speaking of which, Tess and the cue cards are here to deliver the fates of the last four couples. Charles and Karen are safe, as are Stacey and Kevin. That leaves Graeme and Oti and Dr Ranj and Janette waiting to see which of them is facing Seann in the dance-off, but it's Graeme and Oti who get the red light over them, somewhat surprisingly. I kind of assumed Graeme was doing quite comfortably in the public vote. Graeme tells Tess he's disappointed, but he had a feeling this was coming. Darcey apologises for being so tough on Graeme in the main show, and advises him to not look so concentratey during the cha cha cha sections and try to sell the whole thing coherently.

Back up to the Clauditorium one last time, and Dr Ranj says he thought he might be in the dance-off, and he still isn't sure what happened to make it go so wrong because it was going so well in rehearsals, but he's very grateful to still be here because he's having a lovely time. He's doing a samba to George Michael next week. Stacey, on the other hand, reveals through the medium of dance that she will be doing street/commercial for her couple's choice next week, and Kevin says it won't be "traditional", which is kind of baffling when we have seen a grand total of one street/commercial routine so far. Charles reveals that his son has been giving him motivational speeches, because the Chucky Venice genes run strong in him. Karen says she was worried given their return to the 25 club, but she's very grateful to everyone who voted for keeping them in, and she's also available to clean (because she's still dressed as Magenta, you see).

After the obligatory teaser for the spin-off show/social media/podcast/branded pencils/self-help book, it's time to see whether it's Graeme or Seann who goes home tonight. Graeme reprises his cha cha cha first, and his moonwalk is slightly better this time, mercifully. He's dancing it with more commitment, though his timing is still off in one or two places. Seann does his Viennese waltz again, and it's even worse than the first time because he starts going dramatically wrong in the feet and he can't right himself. And he trips over Katya's feet when he's whirling her around the floor at the end. Also, how lucky for us and indeed the singers that 'Thriller' and 'I Put A Spell On You' were the songs that had to be repeated tonight. I hope they had plenty of Strepsils tucked away back there.

Craig says both couples improved (lol no) but one had timing issues and the other had placement issues, but he's saving the one that he liked the most: Graeme and Oti. Darcey says both couples made mistakes evenly (lol no), but she's saving the couple with the higher performance value: Graeme and Oti. Bruno says they were both far from perfect but oddly enjoyable, but he's going with the couple who made him enjoy the evening itself more: Graeme and Oti. So Seann and Katya are out, and Shirley confirms she wouldn't have saved them either.

Seann tells Tess that the worst part is being eliminated while dressed like that, and there's a slightly awkward pause because it doesn't get the big laugh that anyone involved seems to be expecting it will get. Seann says that it has been the best experience of his life, "probably bar the last few weeks". Katya says it wasn't easy, but she thanks Seann for his commitment every single day, and he's done well considering he couldn't tell right from left on day one. Seann adds that it's a miracle he got this far, and he's proud that Craig called him hot the other week. Katya finishes by saying they will always have the Matrix dance. And the paparazzi photos!

Tess and Claudia tell us that Jess Glynne (ugh) is on next week [on the one hand, NOPE.On the other, I had her in the Monkseal prediction game and I'm tanking everything else in that so far, plus I don't have to recap it so can just fast forward right through that mess. - Rad] and Seann and Katya dance out to 'Bat Out Of Hell'. The post-show clips reveal Charles saying it's never nice for anyone to go, Graeme shuddering off the dance-off, Ranj being very grateful, Ashley loving the characters and costumes, Kate saying she had a magical night, Joe being excited to still be on TV, Lauren wants to do it all over again, Faye has the tango next week, Stacey is nervous about couple's choice, and Danny is looking forward to being surprised by whatever Amy has in store for him.

Random credits question: is the camera supervisor for this show really called Lincoln Abraham? Because that is ridiculous.

You've got me again next week, so that Rad can have a nice long break after covering me for two weeks. Let's hope no more sex scandals break out in that time.