Last night! A turgid first half with only a couple of bright-ish spots (Kate and Aljaž; Charles and Karen) and lots of people underperforming! A more interesting second-half with Faye and Ashley bringing some welcome ringer-tastic magic, and Joe still (surprisingly?) pulling out a decent performance! Craig and Shirley having a face-off about Faye's technique! And, most prescient, Darcey declaring she wasn't going to let Susannah get sent home! So let's see what transpires in our first test of the celebrities' appeal to the public, shall we? Eventually, anyway, after whoever the tedious guest performer of the week is and some promised same-sex dance shenanigans, which they keep shouting about as if it's something new and radical, which: a) it's not, you've done it a few times now and b) the more you draw attention to it, the more it seems that you're not actually that comfortable with seeing it as 'normal' and there's a danger it comes across as tokenistic and pandering in a 'see, you wanted more same-sex dancing, aren't we good to you by giving you this one dance' kind of way.
Anyway. The paso/tango mashup (let's never use the 'f' word in case it's summoned from beyond the grave), being danced to Imagine Dragons' 'Believer' and... it's not a song that is kind to the singers. What it is, however, is a good choice for the mean'n'moody vibe of the performance in which they're all wearing red tops with black pinstripe waistcoats and trousers and lots of eyeliner as they move from partner to partner in what I'm choosing to read as some kind of moody, full-cast tribute to this gender-fluid-partner-swapping beauty. There are too many swaps in the opposite-sex pairings to keep track, but our same-sex pairings are: Gorka and AJ (whose cheesy grin in this section isn't quite in-keeping with the moody sexual tension, bless); Johannes and Graziano; Neil and Kevin (hey, geeks are sexual beings too) and Luba and Karen (plus some mostly out of shot threesomes involving all the other female pros, which is a surprising endorsement for polyamory). [It does kind of feel like they went "oh, we'd better have some women in it as well" at the last minute, doesn't it? - Steve] And then they all end up dancing alone because it doesn't matter if you go for girls, boys or non-binary folk, they'll all break your heart, kids. (Great routine though, which makes us two for two on pro dances and so far an improvement on last year.)
Tess and Claudia enter; Claudia in a pale dress with iridescent metallic stripes; Tess in white. The shape of Claudia's dress is a little 'art-teacher-at-the-school-Christmas-party' but neither look is bad. The judges then enter, and Darcey's in a much more demure dress than last night. Tess tells the ladies they look amazing which I assume is compliance sending Darcey a coded telling-off.
Interminable recap of last night in which the following of note happens: Ranj wants the make-up team to make him look 10 years younger, which may or may not be him subtly hinting he wants that makeover show to return with him as host; Anton stumbled in his dance with Susannah which I didn't spot last night; most of the cast are feeling super-deflated after under-performing; Danny and Amy's couple name is 'team Damy' which I do hope is a bit of gentle Darcey mickey-taking.
And we're onto our first results of the series, with our safe couples being: Katie and Gorka (bless them for not dragging every second of drama out of that one by keeping them til last and driving Katie insane like they normally would); Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Joe and Dianne; Seann (what's with all these superfluous 'n's in the cast?) and the first couple in the dance off? Is going to be revealed later in the show what a swizz.
In lieu of this, Tess asks Shirley how to improve Seann other than his hair and she says to channel his energy through his body. Not sure why they singled him out, unless they'd prepped for him being in the dance-off when they wrote the script?
In the Clauditorium, everyone is happy to be saved, but the big news is that it's MOVIE WEEK next week. Faye will be playing a 'blonde, iconic, movie star'. It's got to be Garth from Wayne's World, right? Or maybe Crocodile Dundee?
...And we're back with Tess already, which all feels very odd, not sure why they did this, unless they're splitting the reveals into three because there are so many of them and will go back to normal later in the series. [It made it kind of exciting but also I don't like change and it scared me. - Steve] Anyway, also safe: Danny and Amy; Lauren and AJ; Vick and Graziano; Ranj and Janette. Our first couple in the dance-off? Lee and Nadiya, which has got to smart. I mean, the routine was a pile of crap, Nadiya is not the most exciting pro, and Lee Ryan is, well, Lee Ryan. But to poll lower than Vick and Seann at this stage? Oof.
Bruno tells them not to change anything they did because it worked. I mean, clearly it didn't, or they would have been in the top tier of the leaderboard, Bruno. [And people would have voted for them. - Steve]
With the next set of saved couples, we learn that Danny got to rehearsals on rollerskates, a pink motorbike and is aiming for a unicycle next week and he's also dancing to something from the Greatest Showman, so good luck trying to get mums voting for you everyone else. Ranj is excited to be playing Aladdin. Someone should tell him the cautionary tale of Ashley Taylor Dawson. Also Vick had a birthday and is now 29.
Our guest performer is George Ezra, who is just sort of *there* as a pop star, isn't he? [I quite like him! I mean I agree he's perhaps not the most dynamic of people but I'd rather listen to him than pretty any other contemporary male singer-songwriter you could mention right now. - Steve] The most remarkable thing about him is that he has that song that sounds a bit like the Community theme tune (which isn't the one he's playing, which is 'Shotgun'). Also Dianne and Kevin do a slightly odd jive/lindy-hop/square-dance/fever dream mash-up pro-dance in front of him that's about as exciting as he is.
For those who were worried that getting lots of results out of the way already might mean this show would be a bit more to-the-point, fear not, because Dance Debrief is back to tell us that Lee is good; Joe has good timing and technique; Susannah managed to stay on the right side of Anton (damning with the faintest of praise there) and Craig doesn't give a shit about heel leads when it's week 2, but Shirley is still having none of it. Also Bruno calls Graeme a hybrid of ostrich and rhinoceros. Well, that was packed full of insightful content, wasn't it?
We then get our usual trailer for ITT with a plug for the podcast tacked on at the end. Has anyone listened to it? Does anything of note happen? Shall we recap it? (Hypothetical question, obviously, because: no.) [Apparently this week they were explaining the rules for eliminations, and I was ALMOST tempted, but no. - Steve]
And now the last results see Ashley and Pasha; Stacey and Kevin and Graeme and Oti and Kate and Aljaž safe, leaving Susannah and Anton to face the dance-off and the joy of being the most predictable first boot imaginable. Tess says 'I'm sorry, sorry to see you here' and well done Tess on managing to use the word 'here' not 'go' which is more than I'd have managed in her place. Susannah says it's fair enough that they go instead of more talented people and Anton says he would rather stay. Craig tells her she's what the show's about - although not to the extent that she'll be kept in - and to enjoy the dance-off.
In the Clauditorium, Ashley has not yet learned the level of gushing you need when you're saved in the first vote after coming top of the leaderboard, please tone it down Ash, I'm counting on you. Graeme is glad he wasn't in the dance-off so he didn't humiliate his kids in the playground and he doesn't want to go through it again (Claudia: 'I hate to tell you about next week'. Bless). Also he cries like the dad he is. But the big and scary news? Kevin and Stacey are playing minions (or just dancing to a song from Minions if they can slip enough fivers Lisa Armstrong and Vicky Gill's way).
The redundant dance-off sees Susannah and Anton looking more relaxed and actually improving, suggesting she might also have been a 'meh nehves' contestant on the sly. I mean, I'm not saying she'd have been good if she'd relaxed more, but she might have got up to a '3 from Craig' level. [I think what you saw as "relaxed" I just saw as "giving up entirely" - Steve] Lee and Nadiya also start out better than yesterday, although it goes wrong somewhere in the middle and doesn't entirely recover - not that it matters.
Craig saves Lee and Nadiya because it's a no-brainer; Darcey saves
Susannah says it's been a bit quick but she feels lucky to have had three weeks learning to dance and to have met the others in the cast. Autopilot Anton says it was all too brief and he's had a wonderful time with her and he'll miss her and is his taxi here yet he wants to watch that new Jenna Coleman thing. They dance out to 'The First Cut is the Deepest' and over the credits we learn that Susannah was the series mum as well as apparently being funny (according to Seann).
Next week! Movie week! Comedy VTs! The actual Gladys Knight! Join Steve then to see how it all plays out.
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