Sunday 30 September 2018

Difficult Second Outing

Week 2: 15 Couples Perform - 29 September 2018

Last week! All fifteen couples danced, some more successfully than others; Craig got his ‘1’ paddle out for the first time in years (for Susannah and Anton); everyone (well, us) wondered why Vick was cast as she jived poorly, and Steve moaned about the length of the show when I have all that AND a results show to contend with this week. [You're this nation's greatest hero. - Steve]

Onwards! I love how, even in the credits, Susannah looks incredibly uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Tess and Claudia enter, on Aljaž and Anton’s arms. Anton is wearing a full-on grey top hat and tails get-up, like he’s attending a wedding in the 1980s that thinks a bit too much of itself. Tess is wearing a strappy black dress and Claudia a deep navy one with some sort of fringed back, which is a little odd, but from the front, they’re both looking good, keep it up wardrobe. Speaking of wardrobe, the judges enter, and Darcey is wearing a skirt with a split up the side and for some reason decides to swirl it about in such a manner that it repeatedly exposes her knickers. There really is nothing like a dame, huh? #callofcom

The contestants enter: Katie and Gorka; Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Seann and Katya; Stacey and Kevin; Ranj and Janette; Susannah and Anton; Lee and Nadiya; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Kate and Aljaž; Graeme and Oti; Vick and Graziano; Danny and Amy; Ashley and Pasha. Everyone apart from Graeme is putting in effort to the theme tune – Susannah more than she put into her dance last week.

We’re reminded of the leaderboard from last week and that this week’s scores will be added to it, and then we’re into the dances with a minimum of fuss, well done everyone.

Stacey and Kevin are first now and she’s worried about doing the cha cha cha. Going on the evidence of last series’ cha chas, I can understand why.  The comedy part of their VT involves Stacey pretending to interview him for a documentary in which we learn that he had cereal for breakfast and is staying in a hotel in what looks like a posh part of London, stalkers take note.
 
They’re dancing to ‘I Came Here For Love’, and are both wearing red, but Stacey’s dress has a weird turquoise hotpant thing going on, and Kevin’s shirt is stripy, like some tarted up pyjamas. Still, going on the preview we had, there are people in the cast who look worse tonight. And on the subject of not looking good, this dance is not a great fit for Stacey. I assume that VT was there to pre-warn us, because if it was meant to be the precursor to a ‘you were struggling but came out and smashed it narrative’, something went awry. Stacey starts OK in hold, but quickly something goes wrong and she looks uncomfortable; her arms are an awkward mess, especially when out of hold, then her legs go all bandy and, at the end, Kevin does some weird bow-legged thing that is maybe meant to be a hip thrust but just looks a fucking shambles. Mercifully, it all only lasted about thirty seconds because there are another fifteen of these to go. And she looked like she might have promise last week – oh, well, perhaps she’s just a ballroom girl. From the balcony, Susannah’s all ‘you expect me to clap that shit?’. Even SUSANNAH disapproves. Ouch.

Tess says Stacey looked like she was living her best life. I’ve seen her look more comfortable in war zones, Tess. We welcome the band and the singers – Lance, Andrea, Hayley and Tommy – classic. Shirley says she needs to be more spatially aware but has ‘mega talent’. Bruno calls her ‘spicy Stacey’ and says she has all the tools necessary but she needs consistency. Craig says it was a bit unruly and also too contained, which feel like possible contradictions, but hey. Darcey says her energy is contagious and she knows that the cha cha cha is difficult and Stacey needs to learn foot placement, but she’ll be fine if she keeps the energy up.

In the Clauditorium, Stacey says she doesn’t know why the cha cha cha was harder than the quickstep (even though the cha cha is a typical week 1 dance), did they mention they did a week 1 quickstep for the first time ever last week focus on that please. Also Stacey’s mum and boyfriend are telling Kevin what she should eat, which sounds a bit creepy, unless she’s like Aiden on The Circle and just eats Pot Noodle when left to her own devices. [Oh, so *you're* the one watching The Circle. - SteveScores: 4, 5, 5, 6 for a total of 20.

Neil and Luba are made use of by bringing on a big yellow curtain through which Rob Beckett randomly turns up to read the terms and conditions. (And apologies to Rob that I forgot his name and had to google ‘teethy comedian presenter blonde’ to remember). [Did it suggest anyone else? Now I'm curious. - Steve]

Karen and Charles now, and apparently they’re calling themselves ‘team 12-pack’. Are they the series villains? Because I could possibly get behind Karen being the new Brendan. Their VT shows Karen laughing that she ‘feels bad’ for Charles when he struggles with ballroom hold.

They’re doing a quickstep to ‘Sir Duke’ but it’s week 2 so a quickstep ain’t nothing special, kids #battleofthecliftons. It’s very jazzy in the arrangement, with giant trumpet projections and some stools that resemble the trumpet valves that they begin and end on which is cute. [Still think they missed a trick by not playing in a giant fart sound when they sat on the valves though. - SteveCharles is in tails and Karen in a lovely dress and they both lucked out on the costume front, which adds to the charm of the routine. They’re selling it in terms of energy and performance, but the foot work is a bit sketchy in places; at one point he looks like he might trip over his own ankles and towards the end they are out of time with one another – but he doesn’t let it faze him and he keeps up with the crazy speed pretty well, even incorporating the splits without the pace dropping. I’m glad for Karen that she’s got someone who might be a contender - and they seem pretty well-matched.

Bruno says he was suave and led well, although there was a mistake. Craig says Charles was one beat ahead of her in the last section, his top line was wobbly and he missed several heel leads, but he loves the performance and the way Charles styles things out. He also loved the jazz split. Darcey says the 1920s’ jazz styling really worked and she loved the lightness, but he has a ‘little ticking head’ he needs to watch. Shirley says he set her hear aflutter in that suit and she agrees that he flew across the floor and was light on his feet and thought Karen might have made the mistake, although Karen’s face suggests not. [Karen absolutely not being here for the pro schtick of "no, I made the mistake, my celebrity partner is blameless" is the most I've ever liked Karen. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, neither of them claim to know what went wrong and Karen says she’s proud of him. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 25 and we’re still at the stage where 5s get muted confused silences and 6s huge whoops, for those keeping track.

Katie and Gorka now, ready to bring us our first paso of the series. Their VT story is that Katie wants to GAIN CONFIDENCE and if that kills the nervous wreck storyline this early in the series, I’ll be very happy.

They’re dancing to ‘Confident’, with Katie rocking that crimped hair look this show’s stylists use to mean RAWK. She is trying her best to have paso face, but it just looks like a kid play-acting. She starts out stompy and awkward; it improves a bit as they get into hold and the dance gets going, but then it gets stompy again and she struggles a lot with caping. This was never going to be a dance that suited her sweet personality but she did at least give it all a go, to her credit. [I actually didn't think it was stompy at all - if anything, I thought it was far too light-footed. At least a stomp would've been a move in the right direction. - Steve]

Craig says it was stompy and ‘plank-ish’; Darcey says she was glad to see fewer nerves, but the shaping needs to go right through the body; Shirley says she could see more of Katie’s inner strength but she went on the wrong foot early on and struggled to pick it back up; Bruno says she needs to get more into character but she will be back and be better. 

In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells her not to be sad and Gorka says she’s incredible considering she’s never danced before. Scores: 2, 4, 3, 4 for a total of 13, each of which Gorka greets with a pissy ‘thank you’. Maybe he is trying to be the new Brendan? [Lowest paso score in this show's history. Ouch. - Steve]

Graeme and Oti are next. In his VT we learn that he has a ‘massive soft spot’ for Darcey. The curse of Strictly is starting early this year, huh? We also learn he’s in a midlife-crisis band singing Commitments songs in the pub because he is a MASSIVE DAD.

Our first American Smooth of the series is danced to ‘Try a Little Tenderness’. Oti looks lovely in yellow whilst Graeme is in a light pink waistcoat and trousers with khaki shirt that makes it look like the two of them are in completely different routines. The routine is not exactly a Michael Vaughan AS triumph, possibly because it’s so early in the series. It’s overblown and clumpy and there’s not much sense of story or much clarity in the movement – turn the sound off and you wouldn’t know which genre it was. Heck, maybe he will have a triumphant jive in a reverse of Michael V’s storyline.

Darcey says she didn’t have a clue what was going on in the dance; Shirley says an American Smooth foxtrot needs smoothness, sweeping holds, a lift or two, but it should all have an elegant feeling. Bruno says it’s ‘incredible’ that they have invented a new dance – the American Clumpy. Craig says he usually looks forward to American Smooths but whilst Graeme could do the pop/disco stuff last week, this was not his week.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia suggests sending some sweets to the judges to cheer them up. Graeme says Oti has been telling him off for his floppy arms and worries about how she will be backstage. Heh. Scores: 3, 5, 3, 4 for a total score of 15 which… feels a bit high?

I’m begging for a ringer to come along now, but nope, Kate and Aljaž are coming our way. I love them, but I could really do with a palate cleanser to break up the mid-low pack clump and bring the vibe of this show up. In the VT, they go to Kate’s son’s school. Early in the series to get that gimmick out there, but OK.

Their tango is to ‘No Roots’ and they’re both in navy velvet, which goes with the lighting, so they’re already starting out with a better chance than poor Graeme. The dance seems…. pretty good? I mean, this might just be because of the mountain of mediocrity that has been tonight, but she seems to manage the movements and pace well throughout, the dance feels true to genre, and it’s highly watchable, even if it lacks anything especially showy and her ‘smell the fart’ face is quite something. 

They get a standing ovation from Shirley, who says they’re in it to win it. I mean, probably not, but female news readers do tend to have a higher batting average than you'd expect (am I doing cricket references right?). Bruno says she is a vamp and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Craig says Aljaž has transformed her. Darcey calls her a cool beautiful lady. I apologise to these two for not believing in them a couple of paragraphs ago - I should have learned from last week that they could bring the sizzle.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Kate’s the group cheerleader who tells everyone they’re doing great in rehearsals. Kate says she has fallen in love with dancing. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27, making them the first couple tonight to have improved their score, by a whole 7 points. Aljaž is ridiculously excited.

Joe and Dianne are next and I am so relieved to see they’ve got him out of those suits that make him look like Tony Christie in the ‘Amarillo’ video. Their VT takes us to Wiltshire to see the kind of thatched houses he used to work on because he has a ‘proper trade’, he’s not just one of them YouTubers making money for shopping in Primark (that’s his sister). Dianne is amused by the quaint British traditions that they don’t have in Australia, where my 30+ years of weekday exposure to an anthropological study into one Melbourne suburb has informed me that the only trades available are teacher, mechanic, doctor, terrible cop, hotelier, coffee shop owner, bar manager, lawyer and gardener (and occasionally stripper but only before marriage and for the purposes of comedy storylines). [You forgot that time Philip Martin was moonlighting as a romance novelist called Philippa Martinez, but I'll let you off. - Steve]

Their Charleston (to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’) starts with them thatching a roof before they get up and dance. They’re in sparkly check shirts, which look OK, other than Joe having just his neck button done up, which makes me uncomfortable – surely that’s too tight? It’s kind of odd he’s had two very similar dances in a row – it would have been interesting to see how he’d cope with a traditional ballroom this week. Steve and I were pondering his footwear the other day, and he’s wearing a take on Converse again this week, for those wondering if he will ever wear ‘proper’ shoes. The routine itself has a lot of fun and energy to it and his timing and performance are really good. His footwork is less impressive – his swivel doesn’t quite work and whilst the Charleston always straddles a balance between goofy and precise, he strays a little too much to the former. Still, as with last week, he’s showing more potential than I expected.

Bruno says it was a different interpretation of a Charleston but worked a treat; Craig says he’s ticking a lot of boxes and Tess replies that it isn’t easy to tick Craig’s box and that’s an uncomfortable image I didn’t want in my head thanks Tess. Darcey praises it for being fun and free and she thought the lifts showed real timing and technique. Shirley says he has a great musical ear and didn’t miss a beat.

In the Clauditorium, Joe says he didn’t know where that energy came from and relives some childhood trauma where everyone used to push him in the middle at school discos and make him dance to that song because it has his name in it. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8, for a total of 31 and our first score over 30 of the series, which will hopefully make up for any PTSD flashbacks Joe’s had from hearing that song.

Susannah and Anton are next, and Tess ‘rips up’ Craig’s 1 paddle. #callofcom. We see footage of their dress rehearsal from last week which looks even more of a carcrash than the actual performance. Then we get Susannah in her PJs crying about getting a one and her son going off to uni, and it’s all a bit uncomfortable, let’s move on please. (I don’t know what else happened in their VT as my DVR cut straight to the middle of their dance and in other circumstances I might head to iPlayer to find out, but as I’m not even half-way through a 15-couple episode with a results show to recap, it ain’t happening. I’m guessing she vaguely cheers up and vows to be better this week?) [Yeah, pretty much - Steve]

Their foxtrot is to ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’ and she is one of those who has drawn a short straw, costume-wise, with a cobalt blue dress that has awful blue feathery sleeves and a really matronly hair-style. The dance itself is only a marginal improvement on last week – she is clearly nervous and clings to Anton for dear life throughout; there’s no finesse in the movement and no real sense of performance or chemistry between them. Anton does at least drag her around enough to effect the notion of a ballroom dance, but, unless Vick (as presumably the least popular with the public) really screws up, they seem a fairly safe bet for first boot.

Craig says even the smoke machine couldn’t cover the complete ‘dance DISAHSTER’. Darcey slaps Craig (#callofcom) but says she could see Susannah glaze over rather than telling the story, though at least she kept the footwork and smile going, and that Susannah will be here next week if Darcey has anything to do with it, which... she does. So you’re promising to give her a 10 now and vote for her in a dance-off, Darcey? Shirley says the important thing on this show is to improve week by week (given only two couples so far have done, well timed comment there) and she has done that, despite the mistakes. Bruno says Anton could have got better movement out of a lamppost and he was just dragging her across the floor and to bring back the maracas as last week’s was a masterpiece in comparison. OUCH. (What’s the tea here? Because there has to be some, right?)


In the Clauditorium, Susannah agrees that she does glaze over and Anton does his HA HA MARVELLOUS NEVER DANCED BEFORE ARE WE DONE YET I STILL HAVEN’T WATCHED THE BODYGUARD FINALE YET AND THE APPRENTICE AND DOCTOR WHO START NEXT WEEK SO CAN WE HURRY UP AND GET EVICTED PLEASE spiel. Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3 for a total of 12, the same as last week, with one more from Shirley. Anton tells us to wait for their Charleston.

Trailer for It Takes Two, social media, that dreadful looking BBC Three thing AND the podcast now and…. that feels like overkill? I get that it’s the golden goose and all but does even the most dedicated superfan have time to follow all of those? I only get through ITT through watching several episodes at once god bless apps and subtitles.

Lee and Nadiya are next, as we hit the halfway point. Their VT involves Lee ringing up Ranj to try and get him to prescribe some painkillers but Ranj is not into risking his medical license on screen and tells him to tough it out god weren’t you in a boyband you don’t hear Susannah Constantine begging me for drugs. [It also involved him in a diner ordering from a waiter without saying "please", and honestly if you want to pinpoint where it all went wrong for Lee this week, I think it was there. - Steve]

They’re jiving to ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, and he is, indeed, wearing blue suede shoes, albeit in an entirely different shade to his costume, so they just look nasty. He’s also rocking Johnny Bravo hair [HEY THERE BABY - Steve], but he is not rocking this dance. The storyline involves him cleaning up an American diner with a broom and Nadiya is the waitress who’s coming to the end of her shift and then decides to dance all over the floor he just cleaned and piss him right off, so he chases her around and then corners her in a booth in an aggressive way. How tonally on point for 2018. As for the dancing, it’s clumpy, awkward, out of time for the most part, and he looks like he hates the whole thing, which might be a character choice, possibly, I guess, but isn’t very in-keeping with the spirit of jive. Except the Jay and Aliona ‘we’re never doing that again and sullying its memory’ spirit of jive, perhaps. Tonight is the gift that just keeps on giving, isn’t it?

Darcey says ‘what an opening’ – I know we’d all like to imagine the last hour away, Darce, but it did happen. She liked the faffing about with the broom (because it’s never too early to get a prop in a routine) and wonders what he did with it. I’m sure Nadiya has taught him some tricks but let’s not get too anatomical about things before the watershed. Shirley says there were quite a few missteps but he is improving. Bruno thinks he’s getting stronger and tighter. I suspect he’s also marvelling at where he put the broom as well. Tess then sends them away before remembering Craig, who says it was laboured but has ‘musicality’ because that’s the contractually-obliged compliment to give to people who’ve been in groups.

In the Clauditorium, Lee is happy despite having made mistakes. Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 for a total of 26, sure, whatever. (Also an improvement on last week)

At last! Danny and Amy are here to rescue us with that ringer bling we’ve been craving (I hope). Their VT shows that this personality is the inverse of Amy’s last one: she can’t stop talking and Danny just nods and mm-hmmms. HE also has decided he isn’t going to be first boot, the CONFIDENT MONSTER. Oh wait, he’s a man, carry on.

Their cha cha is to ‘Beggin’ and… I’m not that keen? He is clearly a confident dancer, but in some ways maybe too much so, as it looks like he’s trying to do his own thing rather than truly embrace the style of the dance. (It doesn’t help that there’s another ballet-esque break in the middle.) His hands seem a bit awkward, in the manner that Craig would usually call ‘spatulistic’ and his face seems to be trying to look cool, but in a really forced way. His hips are really good, though, he hits his steps, and he clearly has great rhythm – I just wasn’t entirely sure he and Amy were performing the same dance as one another (not helped by more mismatched costumes – him in a grey striped with rolled up sleeves and dark green tie, looking like a bouncer who’s ready for a fight; she in a bright green party-girl dress, like a drunk woman on a hen night he’s trying to evict from the premises after vomiting all over his jacket) and I wonder how much they’re actually clicking as a pair. [Mostly what I'm getting so far is Amy getting excited that she's got a ringer, and not actually bothering to teach him much beyond what he already knows. - Steve]

Ugh, week twos are always shit (insert lame joke along the lines of ‘number two’, you provide the words, I’m just going to half-arse it like most of the cast are doing tonight).

The audience, however, loved that, and give it a standing ovation, so let’s see if the judges agree with them? Shirley says he had some good staccato movements and was attempting to get a straight leg, but that then needs to go into the trunk of the body in order to ooze some rhythm (I guess that makes sense to dancers?); Bruno says there was more content than you could possibly imagine, he was sharp, but nearly missed a chaîné even though he’s got 25 years experience. Meeow. Craig says it was tight, snatched (enough with everyone objectifying the contestants tonight!) and he loved it. Darcey loves his posture and keeping his body so straight, as well as keeping up with the speed.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Danny is eating spaghetti Bolognese and lamb chops for breakfast and not putting on weight, and Claudia gets in a Danny Dyer-t pun. Quick, get out a DVD in time for the Christmas market, Dan! Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 28. 

Claudia makes a quick gag about Ranj: ‘he’s got a tiny umbrella – we’re trying to work out if he’s making a cocktail or going out in the rain’.  For some reason, this really tickles Tess, and when we go to her for the next link, she’s crying with laughter and can’t get her lines out, and she’s corpsing with all the judges sitting behind her, laughing at her straight down the camera. Heh. [I almost like Tess when she's like this? - Steve]

We’re finally (kind of) coming into the home stretch with Vick and Graziano. She takes us to meet her family, who all say she’s a right gobby sort, and her mum dances with Graziano, whilst she fires a BABY WARZ salvo with some cute nieces and nephews wishing ‘Auntie Victoria’ (what's the betting nana doesn't allow shortened names in her house?) good luck.

They are dancing the waltz to ‘Somewhere’ and they’re helped by her wearing a lovely white dress with sparkles and him in a velvet tux with his hair tied back, as well as the starlight filter on the lighting rig (plus some slightly odd glittery light balloon things in the background that are a little distracting). This is much better than last week – she has a nice top line, looks much less nervous and, whilst there’s a little slip part-way through, it’s a very convincing first waltz that shows more of the talent we assumed she had when she was cast. [It was properly pandering though. Real playing to the cheap seats stuff. - Steve]


Vick tells Tess she always wanted to look like this as a little girl and we get the standard ‘princess’ blah – even though they never go on about male dancers always wanting to look like princes (or even princesses) good lord it’s 2018 etc. Bruno says they really captured the music in the dance and it looks like she’s stolen Darcey’s costume from Giselle. Craig says she lost it a little in the pivots, but otherwise, she owned it. Darcey says she’s made to do ballroom with her long limbs, and she was able to control it gracefully. In the audience, we see Rebecca Adlington secretly fuming that she still can’t get cast, yet they’re letting on YouTubers and Capital DJs no-one’s heard of, before we turn to Shirley, who said it was the 'epitome of femininity' (#everydaysexism) but she has an issue with her core and her footwork, though it was an improvement on last week.

They’re welcomed to the Clauditorium with thunderous foot stamping and cheers from the rest and Claudia says Vick thought she’d be a Latin girl but it turns out she might be a ballroom one. [oh good this storyline again, how fresh and original - SteveScores: 7, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Ten down, five to go!  I have no need for a preview and even less need to recap it, so let’s move right to Miss Ranjie and Janette via Claudia and Tess comparing favourite cocktails (Tess: a Tom Collins, which feels like one of those occasional moments where we get a glimpse of the real Tess that is so not what you’d expect from her, which I always enjoy; Claudia: the one that makes you screw up your mouth and make funny noises, i.e. a ‘Craig Revel Horwood’ badumtish. Also, I kind of feel that the real punchline to that joke would have been something involving Bruno that got redacted for being incredibly filthy). Their training VT involves Ranj panicking about lifts, like you actually need to lift Janette – she usually just flings herself around of her own accord with little effort needed from the partner. Also he doesn’t know the words to ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ even though they’ve used it on this show at least eighty billion times and he works with kids so must surely have been exposed to all the Disney.

Their salsa is to ‘Fireball’ (in case you were taking bets on which performance the singers would choose to screech through this week, it’s this one) and the storyline seems to be that they’re a couple of deranged Harlequins hiding from the circus in a cocktail bar, which may or may not be the same one Danny and Amy were in earlier. I like that Janette has finally embraced the Erin Boag ‘camp the fuck out of everything’ strategy, as this is almost as entertaining as last week, with Ranj’s face operating at maximum. His body is quite gawky, but his sheer exuberance makes up for that, along with Janette’s patented salsa ‘distract them with lots of lifts’ technique and her new ‘stick your heel through your dress and dance on regardless’ move. [I'm not Janette's biggest fan but all credit to her for just storming through that routine with her gusset in her heel, that was impressive. - SteveNot quite sure what they’re going to bring to a foxtrot or a waltz, but fingers crossed they don’t go po-faced with it as I’m really enjoying this partnership.

Craig congratulates Janette for working through the wardrobe malfunction but says he’d have liked more basic salsa content with more figure 8 rotation in the hips. He does think Ranj’s performance is tremendous. Darcey congratulates him for not being thrown by Janette’s wardrobe malfunction and she loves his smile. Shirley says he was great at shaking, but in some of the steps where he goes back, he lost the rhythm, however they should get a 10 for surviving the malfunction. Bruno says all the ingredients are there and he shakes beautifully but he has to get the hips going. Ooo-err missus.

Claudia congratulates the insanity of their outfits and says everyone is following them to wherever they’re going after the show. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 for a total of 24.

Faye and Giovanni have the Viennese Waltz and Giovanni says the hardest part of it is keeping the frame. Are you saying that we’ve been lied to with all those VTs telling us that the hardest part is not to vomit? Faye’s husband and son come to training, which is very sweet, and her son doesn’t even do the floss, so perhaps that’s over as a thing now?

They’re dancing to It’s a Man’s Man’s Man's x infinity World and it’s a very sexy, dark, VW, which is certainly a nice change from the sugary ones we usually get on this show. It does, perhaps, involve too much faffing about, but the VW is my least favourite ballroom dance, so I’m all for anything that breaks up the endless whirling around. Her technique and performance are, of course, amazing. 

Darcey loves the emotion and performance; Shirley says she is leading on her toes too much and needs more heel leads to improve her technique and flow, but she is a beautiful dancer. Bruno calls it one of the most compelling, dynamic things on TV since ‘the’ Bodyguard, and he thought they both acted it beautifully. Craig says they both shattered the old-fashioned dance and to ignore Shirley, because it was gawwwgous and the technique will come later. So the one from Steps is Craig’s random ‘ignore the technicalities’ favourite what a surprise. Scores: 8, 8, 7 (to boos!), 8 for a total of 31 and the joint highest score of the night, and, indeed, series so far.

Lauren and AJ now, and Lauren is wearing a severe black bobbed wig with dark lipstick that make her look like a vampire version of Louise Brooks, even though Halloween is still several weeks away. In their VT, they are struggling with balance because of her disability, and Graeme randomly turns up to their training, possibly looking for somewhere to hide from Oti. Tip to Graeme: if you’re being filmed, it’s not a good hiding place.

Lauren and AJ are dancing the Charleston to a weird version of ‘New Rules’ which kind of works, I guess? Ish? The story seems to be that she’s an evil flapper vampire who wants to call her ex, whilst AJ is some plucky pyjama-and-braces-clad best friend who is distracting her from the perils of drunk dialling by the medium of dance. She gives it plenty in terms of performance, and the lifts generally work well despite their concerns in the VT and a slight nervousness going into them. Her leg work is not especially great, although her swivel isn’t too bad. There’s some faffing about with a comedy prop phone box in the middle that actually goes fairly well and this should see her settle nicely into an upper-mid table position and keep AJ in his young, fairly inoffensive but bland female partner niche. I demand a mature woman for AJ next year please. I don’t even much care if she’s a ringer or a duffer, I’d just like to see him in a different kind of partnership.

Shirley praises her performance, although there were some mishaps and places she looked uncomfortable. Bruno says it’s brave to attempt those lifts in week two and she did well to recover from the mistake but she needed more attack and clearer leg work. Craig says there wasn’t enough energy as you need to go twice as fast in this dance, but he loved the lifts. Default Darcey says she needs to clean her moves up, although she has a 'strong core'. 

AJ praises Lauren for daring to do the face-planting lift with only one arm and she says he’s tough in the training room. Scores: 5, 6, 5, 6 for a lot of baffled silence and almost-applause from the audience and a total of 22.

Our penultimate couple are this week’s ones I forgot were in it: Seann and Katya. Tess speaks to Romesh Ranganathan in the audience (sitting next to Rebecca Adlington who straight up bitchfaces down the camera bless) who says he’s been on tour with Seann and he thinks he’s going to tank it.  And… he’s broken Tess, who has her terrified ‘does not compute’ face on. Their VT features him saying he’s about to desecrate the Holy Jive of St Jill PBUI by using the same song (I’m Still Standing) and – shocker! - Jill Halfpenny turns up to training to put a hex on him. Still, however badly he does, it won’t be half as sacrilegious as when they sullied the memory of Time Warp.


He’s tied his hair back, in what’s hopefully a conclusion to the least controversial controversy this show has ever seen, and he and Katya are both wearing purple, albeit entirely different and non-complementary shades (again). The storyline is that he’s a stand-up whose set has tanked, so Katya saves him via the medium of dancing on prime-time Saturday night TV, which feels somewhat on the nose, no? He looks completely terrified for the first few bars, and it’s messy overall, save for one or two cute set-pieces, but it just about feels like a jive. Then they go a bit overboard with the ‘story’ and he takes to the mic, rips out the hair bobble and does some sort of running man approximation, before getting back into hold with Katya, losing the timing altogether and attempting a highly ambitious trick involving her sticking her leg under his armpit that just seems to leave them stuck in an uncomfortable position, in what is probably some foreshadowing of the leaderboard.

Tess calls him a joy to watch as he just giggles. Tess tells Romesh Seann didn’t tank and Romesh looks at her with incredulity. Then Seann thanks Romesh for coming on TV’s biggest show to support him when he has a book to promote. Oh, the bantzzzzz.

Tess passes to Bruno first because of his starring in the video for the song. Bruno says he did all the right steps at entirely the wrong time. Craig says it all went horribly wrong, but he could see how much work he’d put in. Seann says ‘it worked in rehearsals’. Darcey says there was intensity in his eyes but it was all off time. Shirley laughs ‘I liked your hair’ and he goes over to hug her.

In the Clauditorium, they’re both laughing so much as Claudia asks if that’s what it was supposed to be and Katya laughs ‘it was supposed to be epic!’ Seann takes another pop at Romesh ‘because he just needs to be on more telly’ (heh) and moans about his weird duck feet. Scores: 2, 4, 4, 5 (‘for comic relief’) for a total of 15.

And we’re nearly there!  Pour me a stiff drink (Bloom Rose and Jasmine gin mixed with Fentiman’s orange tonic is my current jam, thanks), I’m going to need it before I can get into the results show.  Pimping out their slots (missus) are Pasha and Ashley. Their VT is super boring, Ashley’s mum is proud, yadda yadda. Anyone else find it weird that there’s been a theme of ‘people’s families love them’, but that’s only been applied to about a third of the couples. Do the rest have terrible tragic backstories? Or are we just spreading the relatives out across a few weeks?

We’re finishing with a cha cha cha to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ and they’ve both been dressed in what look to be the corpses of mirrorballs, whilst several other mirrorballs spin in the background and the whole room is flecked with sparkly lights. I’m a maximalist, but it’s all a bit extra even for me, especially with Ashley’s hair blown up to Shakira proportions. It’s a great party routine, though, and reminds me (unsurprisingly) of Caroline Flack’s best Latin. She performs it as a super-mega-ringer should, and also I have her as my winner in Monkseal’s prediction league in the desperate hope a woman might win this year, so go team Pashley.

Craig tells her she is good; Darcey calls her a ‘fast learner’ (LOL Darcey trying to pretend she’s not the ringiest ringer), Shirley says she holds her to a high standard and there is still room for improvement with her legs, and Bruno tunes into my Shakira wavelength by telling her her hips don’t lie.  Scores: 8, 8, 7, 9 for a series best score of 32 and our first 9 of the series.

Double-epic leaderboard:
1. Ashley and Pasha 29 + 32 = 61
2. Faye and Giovanni 29 + 31 = 60
3. Joe and Dianne 27 + 31 = 58
4. Danny and Amy 27 + 28 = 55
5. Ranj and Janette 27 + 24 = 51
6. Charles and Karen 25 + 25 = 50
7. Lee and Nadiya 22 + 26 = 46
8=. Kate and Aljaž 20 + 27 = 47
8=. Lauren and AJ 25 + 22 = 47
10. Vick and Graziano 18 + 27 = 45
11. Stacey and Kevin 24 + 20 = 44
12. Graeme and Oti 22 + 15 = 37
13. Seann and Katya 18 +15 = 33
14. Katie and Gorka 17 + 13 = 30
15. Susannah and Anton 12 + 12 = 24

So that makes Susannah and Anton favourites to go, but there are several couples in potential danger there – in particular, I’d wonder if Seann, Katie and Vick have the fanbases to keep them safe.  We’ll find out tomorrow, so join me then!

Saturday 29 September 2018

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Kevin's hair seems to be thinning.
- Giovanni is a fan of a showercap.
- The set has had a makeover, including new flooring and an interactive device called SID.
- SID's voice sounds marginally sarcastic.  And it's only one week in - this is not going to end well.
- The caption people are getting all their puns out.  They're going to be struggling by the end if they're not careful.
- Kate and Zoe once bumped into each other on holiday at an airport and Kate hinted back then that she wanted Aljaž.
- Aljaž will not be drawn on whether it was Janette or Giovanni who was responsible for the kiss mark on his neck on Saturday's show.
- Kate doesn't do long hair well. She was meant to wear a long wig for her cha cha cha, but it made her look like "Rod Stewart in drag" and freaked her out.
- Kate is up for wigs in general, though. She's coming for Ruth Langsford's crown!
- Kate and Aljaž spend more time laughing than dancing in training.
- Kate has got the tango this week.
- Ranj injured his groin at the weekend.
- Susannah loves Anton popping out of her legs.
- Hot Greg is back. Hooray!
- Lee is an Eagles thooperfan.
- Lee thought he slipped on Nadiya's dress, but it was a star. It says here.
- Lee's mum Sheila has got bags of personality.
- This week Lee is doing a jive to 'Blue Suede Shoes'.
- A six paddle was held up 23 times on Saturday.
- When you're doing the whisk in the samba, you need to keep your feet on the floor.
- Erin quite likes disco Latin. Et tu, Erin?
- She is, on the other hand, not here for foxtrots that look like American Smooths.
- Erin refuses to believe that Joe is 27.
- The Walsh Snap is all Seann's own work.
- Seann hasn't seen The Bodyguard. Whether he was referring to the film (correctly) or the television series (incorrectly) remains undetermined.
- Seann isn't remotely bothered about "Hairgate" and very much sees Shirley's point.
- Seann has got extremely flat feet, and because of his insoles Katya has to tape his feet into his shoes every day.
- This week Seann has a jive to 'I'm Still Standing', lol whoops
- Erin hates any limb that dangles.
- Erin thought Kate was "very classy".
- Zoe wants to go on a night out with Charles and Karen.
- Karen would've liked more "constructive feedback" from Shirley (apparently "you got the entire thing wrong" isn't clear enough).
- Karen describes Charles's hip action as "intense" and "like a blender".
- Charles is now bringing a Strictly flavour to his CPR work on Casualty.
- Dianne got all emotional at how good Joe got on Saturday because she remembered how crap he was at the beginning.
- In dress rehearsals, you do routines three times in a row, and Joe got hot doing all that dancing in that terrible suit.
- Joe is now a housewives' favourite.
- Joe wants to provide his services to people at weddings. People who need a plus-one, that is.
- Joe isn't sure if his granddad saw him on the show on Saturday because they were quite late in the running order and he thinks his granddad might have fallen asleep.
- Joe is doing a charleston to 'Cotton Eye Joe'.
- Zoe has taken to calling Erin "Boagy".
- Erin is #teamshirley in the battle of Seann's hair as a short back and sides elongates the lines.
- Erin's advice to all of her partners was "no matter what happens, you have to look like the champion".
- Ian straddled a unicorn on holiday.
- Erin had to look up "discombobulated" after Shirley used it.
- Danny seems to have a bowler hat in every colour.
- Danny's dress rehearsal went so badly that he worried it was a "career-killer".
- The practice shoes made Danny's feet swell up.
- Gymnastics is the only thing Danny can remember from school.
- This week Danny is doing a cha cha cha to 'Beggin''.
- Janette knows what Ranj is thinking at all times.
- Ranj thinks salsa and cha cha cha are very similar.  Well they can be on this show, yes...
- Ranj and Janette will be doing a salsa to 'Fireball' this week.
- Ranj wasn't aware of Janette and Jake's salsa.
- Ranj's rehearsal wardrobe continues to impress.
- Ranj's two favourite things are eating and sleeping.
- Ranj is going to be a godparent for the first time.
- Ian cut his holiday short to come back on the show.
- Ian wears formal shoes with no socks, we need to have words.
- Everyone is struggling with body positioning in ballroom this week, particularly when it comes to tucking their bottoms in.
- Katie is feeling positive and optimistic this week. Hooray!
- Katie and Gorka have the paso doble this week and she is getting confused with 'ola' and 'Ole'.  It's easy - one of them likes to do a sexy Starfish and the other winds up people on Digital Spy simply by his presence.
- Vick thinks she needs to be more of a swan and less of a giraffe.
- Ashley accidentally called the Viennese waltz the "Vietnamese waltz".
- Ashley's mum thinks Pasha is hilarious.
- Pasha has de-discoed the choreography for Ashley's cha cha cha after Shirley's comments to Charles and Karen.
- Ashley and Pasha are both fans of a 'booty pop' which appears to be the same thing as a twerk.
- The word incredible is 'incredible' in Italian.
- Apparently Faye's son Benjamin's verdict on her dance was "brava!" (Benjamin is nine.)
- Zoe thinks Giovanni's face is beautiful when he's grinding.
- Zoe thinks Ranj has the best teeth ever.
- Vicky Gill and the team have already had to take quite a lot of the outfits in because everyone's losing so much weight.
- Ashley's top for this week has 500 large gems on it.
- The fashion segment has a new 'colour in the sketch' gimmick.  Although it just looks like they chucked a green filter over a grey pencil drawing.
- Susannah was quite pleased with how her samba went, but would also be quite happy never to see or discuss it again
- Zoe watched Saturday's show on delay and lots of people messaged her to watch out for Anton's trousers.
- Anton would like to argue that their dance was full of pure samba content.
- 'Hold me closer Constantiney dancer' is actually genius, well done caption writers.
- Craig made good on his offer to show Susannah some moves in the bar.
- Susannah's uses the phrase 'Tonya Harding moment' to describe talking back to the judges, and...honestly, I think that would not be the first thing most people would think of when asked to picture a Tonya Harding moment.
- Zoe's son will be old enough to go to university next year.
- Susannah thinks learning a new dance is like being an embryo again.
- Ian likes to circle Ranj's crotch.
- Ashley needs to improve her Cuban breaks.
- Katie's paso face looks a little like petulant teenager right now.
- Kate needs to flick her toe up a bit.
- Ian thinks Seann is too flat-footed.  Bodyshamer.
- Graeme is bored of hearing about Danny Mac.
- Oti knows nothing about cricket.
- Graeme has been thirst-posting on Instagram and has been referred to as a "shock sex symbol" in the papers.
- The cricketing world has been very kind to Graeme about his samba. Stuart Broad sent him a message of support.
- Graeme thinks all cricketers want to do this show.  Not sure how we feel about that, to be honest.
- Graeme's youngest keeps hiding his dancing shoes.
- Graeme has been wrangling with chairs and other props in training.
- Oti has been threatening to force Graeme to maintain his ballroom frame even when he's sitting on the ITT sofa.
- Graeme is confident they aren't going to be first boot.
- The Friday gimmick was to use TOTP-style credits in aid of special guest performer Tiffany, hooray.
- Lauren doesn’t know how good she is, and if we extrapolate from that using One Direction logic, that’s what makes her good.
- AJ reckons he and Lauren are the most competitive couple in Strictly history. Maybe this is because he wasn’t born when Kelly and Brendan were on the show.
- AJ is still quite defensive about almost dropping Lauren on the launch show.
- Johannes is excited to be 'on the best show in the world', but he said this in a pre-record before he didn't get a partner so who knows if he still feels the same.
- He was formerly a pro in South Africa.
- Luba thinks her responsibility this year is different from the responsibility of hanging out in the background and doing a bit of choreography.  Not entirely sure how, apart from having a split-second role in the credita.
- Graziano grew up on a farm.
- This week’s Friday panel is BIGGINS, Gemma Atkinson and Alex Zane. BIGGINS and Gemma were in the jungle together 11 years ago.
- But he is presumably also still biphobic and anti-semitic, so sod giving him any blogspace.
- AJ has got Lauren filming his Instagram stories for him.
- The “Miss Vanjie” meme has now reached Strictly courtesy of Dr Ranj/Miss Ranjie.
- The light tunnel they use in promo footage actually looks really cool.
- Graziano appears to have no arse.
- Vick thinks Graziano is “very compelling”.
- Graziano’s family speak no English.
- Amy has a t-shirt that says “Éternel” on it, she must be so upset she wasn’t on the same series as Louise.
- Getting a spray tan right before you go on It Takes Two is not the best idea.
- Sinitta is a fan of Stacey and Kevin; less of grammar. She also thinks that Stacey is a cockney. (Stacey is from Luton.)
- Stacey thinks she's quite eloquent and getting posher with the years.
- Jason Donovan also loves Stacey and Kevin but only because he heard they were dancing to Kylie and thought it might be 'Especially for You'.
- Kevin and Stacey seem to have some 'Single Ladies' moves in their cha cha cha going on 'demo time'.
- Seann thinks the camerapeople walking around them dancing is really stressful.
- Shirley is trying to justify scoring Ranj so high because something about egg timers apparently.
- Apparently Seann's hair is becoming 'hairgate'.  Crickey, even Jay took a few weeks for it to be a proper storyline and he was a contender.
- Shirley thinks Seann could be the dark horse - like Joe McFadden last year.
- After dancing with Will Ferrel on Graham Norton, Shirley would rate his dancing an 8 (same as Ranj).
- This week's pro dance is a tango-passion F*s**n involving the homoerotic adventures of Neil'n'Kevin, Gorka'n'AJ and possibly also Karen'n'Luba, and the heteroerotic coupling of Dianne and Anton.  Sexy.
- Biggins says that when he watched Vick and Graziano he couldn't tell which one was the pro, which suggests he is the latest in a long line of people to turn up for the Friday panel having not bothered to watch the show first.
- Gemma Atkinson think Oti is 'crazy in the most adorable way'.
- Zoe thinks Graeme is the 'mum crush' of the series even though I thought earlier in the week they said it was Joe.
- Alex Zane thinks Susannah is going home, Gemma refuses to say, Biggins probably still thinks holocaust jokes are acceptable so fuck his opinion.
- Gethin would quite like a piece of Faye.
- Ranj thinks that facing down the elimination is like having to put down your favourite pet.
- Tiffany has a new album out.

Sunday 23 September 2018

Surprise party

Week 1: Top 15 Perform - 22 September 2018

Are you sitting comfortably? Well, you won't be by couple nine or ten, so best go and get an extra cushion now.

We begin with Tess's voiceover reminding us that "two weeks ago", our 15 celebrities were coupled with their professional partners. (If we're being extremely pedantic - and when are we not? - it was filmed three weeks ago and sat on the shelf for a week, just in case you're thinking this lot are unusually skilled for a week's less training than they would normally get.) [Edit: I have been informed that they did indeed only get two weeks' training, and indeed last year's couples only got two weeks. Please disregard the previous sentence.] Then of course the hard work began, and everyone had to start juggling their day jobs (those who actually have them) with dance training - Dr Ranj says that he's used to coping under pressure, but this is a whole 'nother level (Chloe, we hardly knew ye), Kate says that everything seems impossible until you do it, Charles - like all actors on this show - is worried about being himself on TV instead of a character [even though all non-actors worry that they can't get into character, such is the conundrum of this show - Rad], Stacey thinks this is like nothing she's done before, Susannah thinks she can do this (spoiler: she can't), Graeme is nervous, Katie is desperate not to mess up, Ashley is realising how much of a challenge it is now she's here (with all of her dance experience), Danny just wants to be performing in front of a live audience, Faye doesn't want her nerves to beat her, Lee is out of his comfort zone, Lauren says that she doesn't do second place, Vick is petrified about dancing in front of millions of people, Seann is feeling okay now but expects to be trembling, and Joe has realised that there's no going back. Because it's liiiiiiive!

All-new titles. I'm not going to recap them exhaustively because I've still got (checks timer) eighty-six hours of this show to go, but some of the highlights are: Seann conjuring Katya out of nowhere, Dr Ranj and Janette doing their best club moves, Katie barely even managing to shimmy left and right, AJ managing not to drop Lauren for once, Aljaž kissing Kate's hand (aww), Joe and Dianne doing an exploding fist-bump, and Neil and Johannes getting a faceful of Luba's hair. Aww, our unpartnered pros. I hope we get to see more of them over the series.

From there, we're straight in to a pro routine to the Moulin Rouge! version of 'Your Song' filmed (I think) at Somerset House. Please note that I will be paying close attention to all of this year's pro routines for any evidence of HOT SAME-SEX COUPLE ACTION, though I am sad to report that there is none on display here. They're easing us in, I suppose. After an impressive sequence in which Giovanni & Amy, Kevin & Karen, and Pasha & Oti dance around some water jets, a close-up on Karen's arse (there you go, straight men and gay women, don't say this show doesn't cater to you) serves as our segue into the studio, where they have also got the water jets. That's quite impressive. It's a great start to the show: soft, lyrical, helping us to remember who's had what done to their hair since last December, and most importantly not too long because Lord knows we've got a lot to get through tonight. [It was a great pro-dance, more of this please - Rad]

Tess and Claudia appear: Tess is wearing an asymmetric black top with gold-leaf effect across it (or she was just eating a bar of Bourneville backstage and forgot to get rid of the wrapper) matched with some black trousers, and Claudia's in a sparkling black minidress with a plunging neckline. Both of them look great - hurrah! (Then again, I'm pretty sure they frequently look great on the first live show of the series and it's not necessarily an indication of the sartorial horrors that may be to come.) Tess welcomes us all to Strictly Come Dancing 2018 and pauses for a cheer that doesn't come. One person eventually whoops. So that's a good start, then. Tess thanks the pros for the opening routine (choreographed by Jason Gilkison, because of course it was, I'd recognise his handiwork anywhere) and asks Claudia if there's anything they can do to make the celebs less nervous. Claudia says probably not. Tess asks if there's anything they can do to make them more nervous, and Claudia introduces the judges. Heh. If anyone's wondering, Dame Darcey Bussell has to slum it with the plebs this time and doesn't get her own special introduction, but the good news is that Shirley's all over her already. I have high hopes for a repeat of that It Takes Two interview from last year where they practically got to third base live on television.

Shall we meet our Strictly stars? TV presenter and author Katie Piper and her partner Gorka Márquez, from Casualty Charles Venn and his partner Karen Clifton, pop star Faye Tozer and her partner Giovanni Pernice, comedian Seann Walsh and his partner Katya Jones, broadcaster Stacey Dooley and her partner Kevin Clifton, from This Morning and CBeebies Dr Ranj Singh and his partner Janette Manrara, author and presenter Susannah Constantine and her partner Anton Du Beke (with Susannah wearing a shade of tangerine she would never have let anywhere near What Not To Wear, I am telling you now), singer and actor Lee Ryan and his partner Nadiya Bychkova, world champion paratriathlete Lauren Steadman and her partner AJ Pritchard (I love that she's had an intro upgrade since the launch show), social media star Joe Sugg and his partner Dianne Buswell, journalist and news broadcaster Kate Silverton and her partner Aljaž Skorjanec, England cricket legend Graeme Swann and his partner Oti Mabuse, radio DJ Vick Hope and her partner Graziano Di Prima, star of stage and screen Danny John-Jules and his partner Amy Dowden, and finally, from the Pussycat Dolls Ashley Roberts and her partner Pasha Kovalev. (I'm very interested in how two people have added "and author" here to pad out their résumé when it's really not what they're known for. When are we going to get someone on the show who's an author as their main job? I DEMAND DAVID SEDARIS AND HIS PARTNER OTI MABUSE.) Theme tune shimmy count: Seann and Katya doing the most, but Dr Ranj, Susannah and Stacey all do a high kick at the end.

We're reminded that there's no public vote this week but the scores still count, and without further ado, it's over to Danny and Amy to open the series. Danny's VT reminds us that he's this year's eldest contestant, but he's very excited about getting started. Danny describes Amy as a "ball of fire", and Amy says of course she is, because she's Welsh. I see that Amy has definitely settled on "Welsh" as a personality in and of itself, then. Amy is determined to get some 10s this year. Well, you've got a stone-cold ringer on your hands love, if you don't manage at least one there'll be questions in parliament. Danny arrives at training on a pink motorcycle, in pink leathers with a pink helmet. Honestly, for a moment there I thought I'd sat on the remote and accidentally switched over to a Power Rangers re-run. They've got the foxtrot this week, and Amy says that the main problem is Danny's frame, which collapses after three or four steps. Danny mentions that he's already wrecked his toes. When they get to Elstree for camera rehearsals, Gorka and Katie sit in the audience to watch them and Katie says she can't believe it's his first dance. Well, it really isn't, that might be why. Unrelated to anything: I wish I looked as good in hats as Danny does.

They're dancing to the 'Top Cat' theme, which makes me wonder if the music team are hard at work looking for a song with "Dwayne" in the title for him to dance to next week. [Sidebar: why does Danny always play characters called Dwayne? - Rad] (Shout-out to Natasha for finding this one, should make for a lovely samba.) The choreography could do with being more in hold, and I suspect that's Amy wanting to show off how much her partner can do by himself already - or possibly her way of side-stepping those frame problems until she's had more time to nail them out. There's a very slight stumble from Danny near the end, but beyond that it's a good, clean start to the show, and frankly I'm always pleased to have one less foxtrot looming over me.

Tess welcomes our fabulous singers for the evening: Hayley, Jamie, Louise and Tommy. The presence of Jamie means there must be some high notes coming up later in the evening, and Louise is apparently standing in for Andrea, who was unwell. Oh, and Dave Arch is here too. Tess asks Shirley if it was the start she was hoping for, and Shirley says it was an outstanding number to open the greatest show on Earth. She calls him "Dapper Dan" because he's so regal. She thought the shoulder line was great, but the feet could do with a little more work. He has beautiful posture, he gave it 100 per cent, and Shirley's in love. I can see Darcey plotting to leave some butter pats on the floor next week. NOBODY STEALS HER SHIRLEY! Bruno tells Danny that he knows how to make an entrance and he made the stage his own. He thinks Danny throws jazzy touches and balletic outbursts into his work, but he would like him not to tighten up when he's in hold. Craig thought it could have been smoother and that it needed swing and sway, and it was more of an American smooth to him, but the timing was impeccable, and he had incredible energy. Darcey calls him "one agile, mature man" (oh blimey), she liked that his feet were neat and he had flair. She asks if he's 58, and Amy grins that it was his birthday last Sunday [I think Amy said he was 60, so I don't know if he is showbiz ageing himself a year up or down - Rad], and Darcey says he's one to watch.

Tess sends them off to the Clauditorium, where Danny says he was "bricking it" about going first and calls Amy his Strictly guardian angel. Joe is watching the whole thing completely bug-eyed, which amuses me greatly. Danny says he hopes he can keep this level up. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. For some reason I always think of 27 as being the traditional score for the first dance of the series, even though that was only the case in series one, series 12 and series 13. That's just a hint of the useless trivia you can look forward to over the next three months! [I loved Danny looking a bit pissed off like he clearly doesn't understand how week 1 scoring works - Rad]

In the first death slot of the series (although it probably doesn't count because there's no public vote) are Kate and Aljaž. Aljaž hands Kate her newsreading glasses to wear for the intro, and then goes "oooooh!" when she puts them on. I have a feeling we've got some top-notch Aljaž campery coming our way this year, and I for one cannot wait. In her VT, Kate says she's looking forward to everything about this, because her day job is so serious and this will be a nice chance to show a different side of her. She hopes Aljaž is not disappointed to be with her, and he says he is not because she "has a lot of sass" (see, he's started already) and she's a beautiful lady. They've got the cha cha cha for their first dance, and Aljaž has choreographed it to start from the newsroom, so Kate invites him along to see her in the real thing. In the newsroom, Aljaž watches Kate writing her script and tells us that he's worn glasses to impress her. Bless his heart. He then has a go at reading from the Autocue and...well, he needs a bit more practice to actually remember to look into the camera. Although to be fair from what I remember of It Takes Two last year, he was probably straining to look and see what funny name caption they were going to give him.

Their routine (to 'Kiss') begins with Kate sitting at her makeshift news desk, wearing her serious newsreader glasses and pulling a sexy pouty face, and honestly I'm sold already. I remember her dancing on the launch show as not being that great, and I'm actually pleasantly surprised here: don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of work to be done, but her rhythm is good, she looks fairly confident in what she's doing, and there is some movement in the hips, even if it's not a lot. The biggest problem is her legs - she's got very long legs, which means she's going to have to work even harder in the Latin to get the movement that she needs, and at the moment she looks a little bit stilted and stiff. But the most important thing is that she's really working hard to sell the dance by sheer force of personality, and I think by and large she pulls it off. It's nowhere near as accomplished a performance as Danny's, but if I'm honest I enjoyed it more because it's clear Kate's having fun with it, and she's channeling that enjoyment straight down the camera.

She whoops with excitement at the end, and tells Tess that she's so relieved. Tess says "the crowd are on their feet!" and...aside from Kate's husband and a scattering of people elsewhere, they really aren't. I think this is where it sucks to go on early on the first live show: if you go anywhere from about tenth onwards, you're bound to get a standing ovation if you're even halfway competent because by that point everyone will have lost all the feeling in their legs and will be looking for any excuse to leap up and try and get the blood pumping again. Bruno screeches "you don't see that on the news at lunch!" and says he wants to see it every day. The thing is, I've checked the BBC News remit and in order to include that in a bulletin, they'd have to let Jacob Rees-Mogg do it as well for balance. He says it looks like she enjoyed it, Kate confirms that she did, and Bruno says that's the key. He concedes it wasn't technically perfect and she has to learn how to place and finish the moves, but he thinks she's got the ability within her. Craig says there was an awful lot of stomping around and she needs a much straighter leg, it lacked hip action, it was a bit too turned-in and there was no flair in the upper body, but he thought her fantastic personality shone through. Kate thanks him and says that she's only had nine days of practice, and she's going to be really working on all of that. Darcey says Kate was "oozing that flirty lady role". She should see a specialist about that. She thinks the performance value was extraordinary, and while Kate may have been fudging the technique, the cha cha is a very difficult dance. Yes, that's why it was always a week one dance since time immemorial. Shirley finishes by saying that it was so cat-like and feminine, and she thought the first set of walks and lock steps were good, but it just wasn't consistent. She'd like to see more flow in the body and locking in the feet, but she sees a lot of promise there.

Aljaž screams "YESSSSS! WELL DONE!" all the way up the stairs. Kate tells Claudia that she messed up the dress rehearsal so she's been on tenterhooks ever since, and that everything the judges said echoed what Aljaž has been telling her throughout, so she knows what she's got to work on and she's just very pleased to have got through it. Claudia confirms that Kate got her husband's permission to kiss Aljaž, and Aljaž says that Kate's husband is an ex-Royal Marine which makes him nervous. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 4, Bruno 6 for a total of 20. Kate's happy with that and cites the room for improvement. Claudia teases an upcoming routine in which Seann plays Katya's bodyguard, and says that she hopes he does a better job than Richard Madden did with Keeley Hawes - "or is she still alive?" Et tu, Claudia? (I really don't think she's still alive because I feel like it would be a really cheap twist, but everyone else seems to think she is so I guess this will stand testament to either my rightness or wrongness.)

Tess chips in with "we'll find out tomorrow, I can't wait!" in a very "feeling good with Wellwoman" sort of way, and then we move on to Lauren and AJ. Tess reminds us that AJ nearly dropped Lauren in the launch show. His hands were probably full of grease from doing Celebrity MasterChef. Or from doing his hair, one or the other. Lauren says that she's normally in lycra or a wetsuit, and she's never worn so much make-up in her life. She then says "being partnered with AJ...he nearly dropped me." Ha! I'm going to like Lauren, I can just tell. She goes on to say that AJ explains things really well and he thinks outside the box, which is something they'll have to do to take her arm into account. She thinks he's excited for the challenge. I think AJ is...also there. They had a challenging start because straight after the launch show Lauren had to go to Australia for the world championships, but she says that she hopes that once she's competed and hopefully brought home the gold, then it will be all Strictly all the time. We see Lauren and AJ tele-training while she's in Australia via FaceTime, and he's impressed at how well she's doing with the dancing. Lauren wins her gold medal and flies back home, and AJ's there to meet her at Heathrow. In case you're wondering, AJ's ability to sound like a normal human being when talking has improved slightly, but not hugely. Lauren says that she's been in a whirlwind of emotion and she hasn't had much time to train, but now she's back she's focused and excited.

They're doing a waltz to 'Kissing You', which wins few points for originality, but significantly more for execution. Considering how little in-person training time Lauren has had (not to mention the near-dropping incident), she seems very comfortable in AJ's arms, and the routine - while not hugely exciting - is soft, delicate and shows huge promise.

Craig says that her left shoulder was raised a bit, but he thought it was impressive. Darcey loved the control and the serenity, and she thinks Lauren is clearly good under pressure. She wants Lauren to be grander in hold and put her strong core to good use. Shirley loved the chemistry and wants Lauren to stretch her sides and work on her footwork, but she thinks she will do well. Bruno loved the romance and thinks it was like watching Strictly's Romeo and Juliet (someone please check in on the Mollie & AJ Appreciation Thread on Digital Spy and let me know how well that went down, I'd look for myself but I'm too afraid).

Claudia congratulates Lauren on her gold medal, and gold confetti explodes all over the Clauditorium. Claudia goes through Lauren's whirlwind last few weeks and asks Lauren how her head is. Sadly Lauren misses the opportunity to reply "I've had no complaints" and says that her jet lag hasn't been too bad, and she's loved every minute of it. AJ points out that it's only week one, and they will definitely be here next week. High expectations! Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. AJ reminds us that they only had two days in the training room, and that Lauren is "a true inspiration".

Tess is leaning on the judges' desk next to Bruno for the intro to Seann and Katya. The camera cuts back to Bruno and Tess as she says to him "that'll be a first", and I honestly have no idea what that was about. Tess tells us that in this routine Seann will be playing the role of a bodyguard and Bruno barks "my favourite show!" and Tess splutters "same!" This whole segment has the energy of a novice children's TV presenter doing a live link with a naughty puppet. Tess clarifies that while they may have drawn inspiration from the Jed Mercurio smash hit, Katya will not be the Home Secretary (Bruno asks if he can be the home secretary) and Seann won't be showing us his bottom (Bruno asks 'why?'). I think this was a brave experiment that is unlikely to be repeated.

In their VT, Katya tells Seann to watch out because she's going to be on top of him. The Strictly curse strikes already! They muck around a lot in training, and Seann says it's all harder than he thought it would be and that he's definitely not a natural, so he's putting in as many hours as he can. To build his confidence, they go on a field trip to a comedy club. Yeah, nothing builds confidence like a load of drunk people heckling you. Seann calls Katya up on the stage, which is a comedy stage and therefore really isn't big enough for dancing, and they shuffle through a few movements. Katya says it was great to see Seann in his own environment and that he's "really good at what he does", perhaps with an implied "whatever that is". Seann says that having danced in front of people for the first time has helped him feel less nervous about the live show.

They're dancing a tango to 'SexyBack', and it's better than I expected from him. I think he needs to learn not to take such gigantic strides when he's dancing, and the whole thing is a little bit jittery, but it's a fun routine, cleverly choreographed by Katya to have enough drama and razmatazz to make up for Seann's technical shortcomings. It ends with what would normally be a floor spin but for some reason is adapted slightly to allow Seann to pick Katya up off the floor with one hand before doing so. (Question: since they're hinting that the bodyguard-theming was inspired by the hit TV show, if Wanderlust had been the breakout hit, would they have done an open-relationship themed tango?)

They cackle with delight when it's all over, and Tess says she's never seen a move like that before. I think with good reason, you could dislocate an arm. Darcey thought he was very focused and played that tango role really well, but she thought he was grabbing Katya a little bit too much and it was a little bit strained. And she didn't care much for that ending, either. Shirley says she'll have to enforce the rules, and there was a lift at the end (Katya: "It was more of a chuck?") and says that she loves his hair, but she wants to see something a bit more classic so maybe he could free the hair up for the latin and tie it back for the ballroom? She thought there were some nice heel leads, but it wasn't the normal tango that she's used to seeing. She finishes by reiterating that he needs to tidy himself up a bit because "it was flying all over the place" (flashbacks to Anton's cha cha cha with Fiona Fullerton) and the audience reacts with shock. Seann also seems slightly shocked: "I thought we were just going to talk about the dancing! It's like, 'can you have a wash please before you come on the show?'" Bruno says it's week one and he's almost broken Katya already, and while Seann was chewing the scenery, he enjoyed the passion - he just wants more control. Craig thought it was completely over the top, and he was manhandling Katya - it wasn't for him, and he didn't like the illegal chuck either.

Claudia says they were screaming for Seann up there, and Seann says that he doesn't know what just happened but he's soaking wet. Claudia tells him he looks divine, and Seann replies "can you tell Shirley that please?" Heh. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 4, Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Seann cracks up laughing at Craig's and Shirley's scores, and I think we can safely say we're not in much danger of him taking himself too seriously on this show.

Our fifth couple of the evening are, according to Tess, "breakfast DJ Vick Hope and her partner, Graziano Di Prama. Prima! Di Prrrrima!" Smooth. In her VT, Vick says that she's loving every single minute of her journey so far and feels like a princess. Graziano says he's from Italy, he's 24 (really?), and he's an Italian Latin champion. Bright and early, Graziano joins Vick on the Capital FM breakfast show with TV's Roman Kemp. Vick refers to this as "bring your Italian stallion to work day" and Roman tells us all how good-looking Graziano is. If I'm honest, he does absolutely nothing for me, but maybe I just need to get to know him a little better first (read: I need to see what his arse looks like in white ballroom trousers, that's always the key test). They've got the jive for their first dance, which Vick is quite nervous about because it requires so much attack. In rehearsals things look good, and Graziano tells Vick she will be "fantastica". Vick says she's in agony, but Graziano is a good teacher. He tells her she will be "a star of the jive". Well, he's right in the sense that there are five points waiting for her, I suppose.

So, yes. This was probably the biggest surprise of the night: Vick's jive (to 'Feel It Still' by Portugal. The Man, and if you don't recognise the title it's the "ooh, I'm a rebel just for kicks" one) is not good. It starts promisingly enough as she struts and steps and shakes her hips, but the kicks-and-flicks sections are heavy and laboured and her timing is all off. So that poses a few interesting questions: was this just an unfortunate start for someone who is going to turn out to be much better overall? Did we all just assume Vick had to be a ringer because she's not really famous enough to have been cast for any other reason? [Yes - Rad] Is the whole rest of the series going to play out very differently to how a good chunk of us had anticipated it? I don't have the answers to any of those, but I'll definitely be watching with interest next week. (I will admit that on the second watch it's not quite as bad as I remembered, but perhaps that's because I was watching with very high expectations last night, and with very low expectations today?) Also Graziano attempts a Gleb special at the end, you are no Gleb Savchenko sir.

Vick says it's like she's inside the TV and she's having an out-of-body experience. Well, I guess that's one explanation for those kicks. Shirley opens by welcoming Graziano to the Strictly family (why yes I am extremely here for a Mafioso spinoff in which mob boss Shirley reveals that Brendan Cole is sleeping with the fishes now). She thinks they're a handsome couple with great personality, but the routine was discombobulated. Vick has potential, but this wasn't great. Vick promises to work hard. Bruno says he's digging the look, and says that the jive is very hard and the fact that she managed to keep up with Graziano is worth extra points. He tells her that she has to keep her energy up all the time in the jive, but he thinks it wasn't bad at all (it was bad a little bit, Bruno) and he liked it. Craig thought the kicks and flicks were laboured and the routine was messy, and it felt like it was all about Graziano for some reason. Vick says plaintively that Graziano has helped her so much and she needs to step her game up to reach his. Two points here: 1) yes, that is how this show works 2) until that happens, he does kind of need to step his game down to reach yours, because that is also how this show works. Don't showboat for your own benefit if your celeb partner is struggling next to you. Darcey finishes by saying the beginning was beautiful, but Vick found it hard to keep up. Darcey sees promise, though!

In the Clauditorium, Claudia has to instruct Graziano to stand in the right place, and Vick says that she thought she would be fine on the show if she didn't have a fast dance - and then she got a fast dance. Graziano says it was the first time for both of them. "Not your first time dancing," Claudia shoots back. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 4, Bruno 6 for a total of 18. If I'd been making score predictions for the first episode, "Vick Hope tying with Seann Walsh" would absolutely not have been one of them. Vick says she loves Bruno and she always has.

We get a quick(ish) montage of the 10(!) couples still to come, and then Claudia asks a few of them for their thoughts so far: Ashley is nervous, Dr Ranj did a 12-hour A&E shift, then had a long stint as somebody's birthing partner, and then he's had to train on top of that, so he admits it's been "a tiring week". Jeez, and I thought I was knackered because I had to get up at 5am on Wednesday to get a train to Leeds. I'm going to keep very quiet. Katie says that Gorka knew how nervous she was going to be, so they've spent every day together training, so physically she's ready if not mentally (Gorka leans into shot grinning like a madman as if to reinforce this), and Claudia compliments Charles on his all-red outfit.

Tess joins Susannah on the floor, where she is standing behind a large cardboard costume and holding a fruit basket on her head. As someone said on Twitter last night (I forget who, my sincerest apologies): is there really much point in an outfit reveal when we've already seen what's underneath? She's got the samba (in week one!), and Tess asks her where Anton is. Susannah pretends she doesn't know, as approximately nine million people screech "he's clearly under that massive skirt!" from their living rooms.

Susannah enjoys Anton's "evil sense of humour", which is demonstrated by him pretending that she used to be in the Royal Ballet school and a touring dance troupe [I loved Debbeh hard but had to admit that still made me chuckle at how snarky that was - Rad]. In training, Susannah admits that the day starts well, but she seems to get worse as it goes on. "You think that, but it's all pretty bad," deadpans Anton. She hopes she doesn't let Anton down because they're having a lovely time. Susannah says that in the group dance on the live show, she felt like she was "constantly fleeing from a burning house", and now she feels like she's actually learning something. Well, we'll see.

They're dancing to 'Tico Tico', and of course the routine begins with Susannah opening the front of her enormous prop skirt to reveal Anton shaking some maracas. Fortunately they then dispense with the cardboard frontage and then Susanna struts forward to squeeze Anton's arse. (Not sure I should have used the word "fortunately" there, really.) Anton pops the bulbs of his maracas over his back (apologies for that mental image), because what Susannah really needs here is TWO SEPARATE TRIP HAZARDS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. He's just the worst. Susannah's doing her best, but there is no hip action whatsoever and the whole thing is sluggish. Honestly, looking at this I can only assume she walked past Jason Gilkison in the corridor after the launch show and said "that shirt's a bold choice at your age, darling". I mean she must have upset someone, somewhere, because this is inhumane - for her, and for us. She does at least sort of manage a floor spin, so that's something.

Susannah says that she's got drymouth. Tess asks Bruno if he agrees that that routine was a lot of fun, and Bruno snarks "not really". Heh. He says it was more like "car-crash Miranda" than Carmen Miranda, and by way of encouragement, says it can only get better. Craig says he thought she was staggering about lost and drunk at a party, and the best part was when she fell down at the end. Susannah asks him if he'll come down and show her a few steps because he's the master, and Craig seems quite brightened by this, saying that he'll do that in the bar later. Darcey says she likes a bit of fun and a bit of comedy, but she's seen Susannah work hard and she knows there is a dancer in her. She tells Susannah she doesn't need any props, and Anton says "yes, we do". Shirley says that "there was some basic in there" (there certainly was), but she does see a little dancer in there, so Susannah needs to push forward and give it her best.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia says that the whole thing is scary and Anton quips "it's not that bad, it's tangerine, I quite like it". We flash to Susannah's son Joe who is in the audience who manages not to look too embarrassed, and Susannah says she cried after the dress rehearsal because it went so badly, but she was happy with that. Scores: Craig 1, Darcey 4, Shirley 3, Bruno 4 for a total of 12. Susannah says that it could have been four, so she's happy with that. Anton complains that Craig and Bruno aren't wearing ties. [I had 2 as the lowest score of the series for Monkseal's prediction league so that's fucked that up, thanks Craig/Anton - Rad]

Back on the dance floor, Tess tries to chastise Craig for the 1, and there's a conspicuous pause followed by some half-hearted booing. I am extremely here for this audience not paying Tess even the slightest bit of attention. Next we have Charles and Karen, who have got a cha cha cha. Karen says Charles has great energy, which she loves, and Charles is excited to have been Strictlified, and he's ready to wow the audience - but are they ready for him? In training, he says that the foot placement and the beat pattern of the cha cha cha are quite alien to him, so Karen suggests they go where he's most comfortable: Cardiff! Karen joins him on the set of Casualty, and we get some feedback from his castmates, including Rebecca Ryan who used to be in Shameless and who I didn't even know was in Casualty these days [keep up Steve, she's been in it for ages.  And you a TV writer, tsk - Rad], and Neet Mohan who is so damned attractive that I sincerely hope he is on the shortlist to do this show next year. Also Jason Durr calls him "Cha-Cha-Charles", but let's just pretend that didn't happen.

They're dancing to 'Ain't No Love (Ain't No Use)' by Sub Sub featuring Melanie Williams, and full marks to them both for their deployment of a stone-cold banger. The outfits are throwing me though, because I'm pretty sure they're just Mollie and AJ's 'Better The Devil You Know' Hallowe'en costumes from last year with the tails cut off. I am also not impressed with the Karenography for this routine, because it's about a quarter to a third cha cha cha at the most, and the rest is just disco. Let it be known from this moment that this blog is exercising a zero-tolerance policy for disco Latin. Charles seems pretty competent, though.

Craig says that he was a bit tight of hip on occasion, but for ease of movement and confidence, he thoroughly enjoyed it. Darcey says it "maybe wasn't the most typical cha cha I've seen", but Charles has natural rhythm (drink!) and she's never seen a man deliver such a relaxed cha cha cha in week one before. (Spoiler: She's about to give him one point less than she gave Davood for his week one cha cha cha last year.) [Shirley's week one scoring was all over the place last year, so I give that as much credence as a Donny 10 - Rad] Shirley says that he has swag and beautiful rhythm, but it was a disco routine for her that was exempt of cha cha cha except for maybe about eight bars. Bruno says it was "smouldering", and the dancing was good as well. He asks what's wrong with disco, and I've got a playlist of previous routines I can show him if he really wants an answer to that.

Claudia asks Charles if he was as relaxed as he looked, and he humbleshrugs that he must just be a good actor because he was terrified. Karen admits that the excess of disco was "probably my fault" (probably?!), but they just had a great time and that's what they're here for. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25.

Claudia teases that in the upcoming routine Dr Ranj has a giant thermometer - unless it's a normal-sized one and he's even smaller than we thought. We cut back to Tess who bellows "IT'S A GIANT ONE, CLAUD!" Ahh, Tess's "comic" "timing". I haven't missed you. Tess is sitting in the audience with Kimberly Wyatt, and I was relieved to see on Twitter last night that I'm not the only person who keeps needing to be reminded that Ashley Roberts and Kimberly Wyatt are in fact two separate people [same - Rad]. This meeting of minds is because Ashley's up next: Kimberly calls Ashley her "soul sister" and says she can't wait to see her smash it. If the plan here was to make Ashley seem less grating in comparison...mission accomplished?

Ashley loved doing the launch show, and has already spotted the hashtag potential of "Pashley" as a couple name - fair play to her, a good marketing gimmick can do wonders on this show. Pasha says that Ashley is lots of fun, but if he has to be strict, he will be. Um, excuse me for a second.

*leaves the room*

*sound of cold shower running, then being switched off*

Okay, I'm back, let's continue. They've got the Viennese waltz first, which Ashley finds quite complicated despite its simplicity. She admits that people will know about her dance background and that people will have high expectations of her - and however disingenuous you may find her "but this is an entirely different skill!" schtick, I at least respect her for owning her previous experience and not pulling any Van Outen-esque "I only sat on a chair!" nonsense. She wants to do it justice, and but tells Pasha that if all else fails, she'll just booty-pop. Pasha says "sternly" that they've had that conversation already, and he has forbidden such naughtiness. I hope Ashley's in long enough for us to get some excruciating Pasha comedy VTs, at least.

They're dancing to 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran featuring Beyoncé, and obviously the whole thing is ringeriffic. Not that this is intended as a criticism - you know me, I love a good ringer. There's a slight stumble into one of the backbends, but otherwise this is all very strong stuff as you'd expect. The dancing was never going to be the hurdle here, it's getting people not to spit "but she's a professional dancer!" when the time comes for the vote lines to open.

Darcey loves the way Ashley uses her back, but says that she loses her frame a little in mid-rotation so she just needs to watch out for that. Shirley says Ashley has a beautiful musical ear, and fantastic awareness of spatial design through her arms, but she has to work on keeping her centre up. Bruno agrees that the spatial flow was lovely and the storytelling was wonderful. Craig thought there was too much rise and fall, but he thought the whole thing was gorgeous nonetheless. Ashley gives Pasha a grateful hug, and they scoot up to the Clauditorium, where we learn that the woman sitting next to Kimberly in the audience is Ashley's mum, who flew over from the US to be here. Ashley says that Pasha has been amazing, and the critiques from the judges matched what he's been telling her. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 29. Pasha: "I'm actually jealous of myself right now." Oh bless him.

It's time for a quick look at the slightly-over-halfway leaderboard:

1. Ashley & Pasha - 29
2. Danny & Amy - 27
3=. Lauren & AJ - 25
3=. Charles & Karen - 25
5. Kate & Aljaž - 20
6=. Seann & Katya - 18
6=. Vick & Graziano - 18
8. Susannah & Anton - 12

Claudia says that that could all change because there are still seven couples left to perform. I mean, it will all change, for precisely that reason. Dr Ranj and Janette are next, and in his VT he says that he was hoping to get Janette, so he's very pleased. Janette says they're both big and bubbly and fun, and with all due respect you're both clearly not that first one. Janette invokes the first "pocket rockets" of the series, and Ranj says he just wants to make her proud. Ranj turns up to training in some amazing sparkly tracksuit bottoms that I seriously covet, and they get training for the cha cha cha. Ranj says that there's a lot to learn, and he's very anxious. They go to This Morning so Ranj can do his segment, and Janette goes along for the ride. Phil and Holly are impressed with his nifty hips, and Holly points out that the glitterball trophy would look good on their coffee table.

They're dancing to 'How Will I Know?' by Whitney Houston, and in another of tonight's pleasant surprises, not only is the routine completely gaymazing (okay, maybe that bit isn't a huge surprise), but Ranj is actually pretty good. His rhythm's good, his footwork looks on point, he's confident and he's brimming with personality. (Disclosure: I'm a Dr Ranj fan so I was really hoping he would be good, but I don't think I'm being inaccurate in my assessment here.) The clear highlight of the routine is when he leaps onto a table before the final chorus and appears to shoot sparks out of his arse into a giant thermometer.

Judging by her skipping around the second the routine finishes, Janette is clearly very happy with how it went. Ranj squeaks that he's got nothing left. Shirley is on her feet, and opens for the judges by saying that she wasn't expecting that: it was fun, it was light, and thanks Janette for putting so much cha cha cha in the routine, Karen. Shirley adds that Dr Ranj's syncopated Cuban breaks looked like they belong in the semi-final. All right, let's not get too ahead of ourselves here. Shirley finishes by saying she was particularly impressed by the way Ranj leapt off the table and picked up the rhythm by himself without Janette's help. Bruno calls him "a ray of sunshine" and says it was sharp and crisp, adding that the prognosis is good for the doctor. Even Craig is smiling, and he says it was very camp but he loved it. Darcey finishes by asking him never to wipe that smile off, and she says that if he keeps pushing that technique he'll go far.

Claudia says that she's never seen Janette happier, and Ranj says that this is all very far out of his comfort zone, because Janette has had her work cut out. Janette says that he is an inspiration because he was up 36 hours one day (I mean, technically that's two days) and still turned up to training with a smile. Bloody hell, after 36 hours I'm not even sure I'd turn up to training with my face, let alone a smile. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 8, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Claudia grins that Ranj is reacting like he got 40.

Our (counts on fingers) tenth couple of the evening is Katie and Gorka. I am very pleased to confirm that Gorka has not got any less handsome since last year (lol like I wasn't keeping tabs on him via Instagram the entire time). Katie says that Gorka was the partner she really wanted (sensible woman) and Gorka says he thinks she's an inspirational woman. Katie says she doesn't feel like a great dancer and she doesn't feel terribly confident, but she thinks Gorka is the man who can take her there (fnar). Gorka promises her she will have a great time on Strictly. (I wonder if he promised Tameka or Alexandra that, because...) Katie says she wants to make her mum and dad proud. Their first dance together is the waltz, and they'll be dancing to 'When We Were Young' by Adele. Katie points out that she's never danced with her injuries, so she doesn't really know if they will be an issue - she's got scar tissue and skin grafts on her neck, and she's blind on her left side. Gorka suggests that she come up with a little story for the dance to help her get the feel of it, and Katie says that she went to Paris with her husband five years ago, so they decide to incorporate that. Katie hopes that on the night with all of the music and the costumes, everything will come together.

Katie's quite hesitant in the dance itself - she looks very nervous, and there are moments when you can clearly see her counting the steps out loud. Her balance is a little off on the turns too. There's a section in the middle where it all goes a little bit wrong and Gorka has to pull her back into place, but to her credit she does recover from that and gets herself back on track. It's a shame for her, because from what I've seen in the background she's the most nervous of all the contestants this year, and I imagine she really needed the first dance to go well to help her settle in, so this might not be terribly helpful. Honestly though, there are some nice moments in there and I think if she can learn to relax and feel a bit more confident in what she's doing, she could still do well.

Bruno tells her she did all the steps and she got to the end (hoo boy), now she just needs to relax because the worst is over - next time she needs to stop overthinking it and just feel it because that will get in the way. Craig says her balance was questionable on the pivots, and her topline was a bit too closed, but she had nice arm placement out of hold - but he congratulates her on managing to pick up after going wrong. Darcey says she hit some really nice lines and shapes at times, but she just needs to get hold of her nerves. Shirley says that she shows some great promise - she did a beautiful box at the beginning and a nice contracheck - she just needs to come out like it's a practice session. She will have to deduct some marks for the mistakes but she thinks Katie shows great promise.

Claudia says that she was sort of watching Katie dancing but she was mainly watching Gorka's arse Katie's mum and dad welling up in the audience. Katie says the feedback is helpful - she knows her nerves are holding her back a bit, but she thinks this is a good starting point for changing that. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 4, Shirley 4, Bruno 5 for a total of 17. The audience don't know what to make of those scores at all until Bruno's 5 - there's no booing, no cheering, no clapping, just a sort of pregnant silence. Gorka does his best "I'm smiling on the outside but I'm raging inside" expression, and plans an extra hour in the gym after the show to work out his feelings.

There follows a montage of the five couples (we're nearly there!) who are yet to dance, and each of those celebs except Graeme are now standing alongside Claudia. Stacey says that she and Kevin are the first two ever do a quickstep in week one (technically true, but it was a first-competitive dance for the women in series four and five, when only the men danced in week one - whereas this series is the first time anyone at all has danced a samba as their first dance) and she can anticipate the judges saying "there's a reason we don't do it week one, darling" - except she says "step one", instead of "week one", which means it doesn't really land as a gag in the way she's probably hoping. Ah well. Lee says he invited his mate Elton John to come along, but he was busy - but he does wish everyone good luck. Yes, I'm sure he was full of good wishes for Dr Rinj, Stacey Dilley, Vicky Hopeful and all of these other celebrities that he's definitely heard of. Joe says he's going to picture the audience naked, and apologises to them if he's looking at them weird. Claudia confirms that Faye will be in the pimp slot tonight, and Faye says that she's loving watching everyone but she just wants to get down there and dance for herself.

The reason Graeme wasn't here for that line-up, by the way, is because he's next and he's down on the dancefloor with Oti and Tess. Graeme tells us that he's got a great entrance (fnar), he's going to be on a huge glittery cricket bat, but he hasn't yet worked out if that's brave or stupid. Tess wishes him the "breast--best of luck" (has she got someone else's teeth in tonight?) and we cut to VT. Graeme was overjoyed to get Oti, as any right-thinking person would be. Oti says that she's never met a cricketer before in her life (lucky her) but she understands they do really well on this show. Graeme says he's not scared about Oti's reputation because he's got a thick skin - it'll be water off a Swann's back, do you see? They have got the samba first, and Oti says that she usually prefers to give it an African theme, but she'll make it a Nottingham-themed samba this time. She gets Graeme to show off his bowling so he can see how the body rotation can lend itself to dancing. Graeme takes Oti to play cricket with some of his cricket friends, and Oti promptly schools all those losers.

They're dancing to 'Soul Limbo' (aka the theme tune from the cricket on the telly) and in the latest of tonight's pleasant surprises, Graeme does a very respectable job. Oti's clearly taught him well, the routine is showy and includes some challenging moves without being too challenging, and Graeme's a natural showman who's quite nimble with his feet - he just needs to not grit his teeth quite so much. I enjoyed this far more than I ever expected to enjoy a week one samba from a cricketer, and I'm starting to have quite high hopes for this couple.

Graeme (Swanny? Should I call him Swanny? It's what everyone else seems to be doing, but I feel reluctant somehow) admits that he's not great with heights so that opening was quite nerve-wracking, but that he enjoyed himself out there. Craig says that his hands were flat like cricket bats and without any shaping whatsoever, and the hips were a little awkward at times, but he liked watching them and the energy was immense. Darcey says that his rhythm is exceptional and that was a nice surprise - she could see the work he'd put into his hips, even if it didn't always manifest quite as wanted. She thinks he's a rough stone that Oti is going to polish into a diamond. Shirley says that she was very impressed with some of his basic skills - she's not really a cricket watcher, and she never expected him to have so much personality - he really sold it and his energy was great. Bruno wraps up by saying that Graeme's future is guaranteed - he'll be top of the bill at every hen party in the country with those pelvic thrusts. "He's dislocated his groin for your viewing pleasure!" Well, I don't think any of us expected that to happen.

Graeme has a lot of support in the Clauditorium, and Graeme says he has to thank Oti for getting the floss in there because his kids will love that. I am so old that I wouldn't recognise the floss if it slipped between my teeth to fight plaque, sadly. He also tries to demolish Oti's reputation to say that she's an ice cube, slowly melting by his bonfire. That's...unsettling. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 22.

Next up are Stacey and Kevin. Tess persists with the "first ever quickstep in week one" half-truth, and asks Shirley what she needs from this routine. Shirley specifies good floor coverage, lightness on the feet, and keeping the upper half of the body still when in hold. Stacey is very happy to be here, and to be partnered with Kevin. Kevin says he thinks he embarrassed himself a little bit by jumping up and down so much. Apparently Stacey's friend told her that the nation loves Kevin, so if she messes up it's totally her fault. Yep, it'll be terrible if she fails to win like all of Kevin's previous partners totally did. In training, Stacey says she feels like a 12-year-old in her first set of high heels, and she feels embarrassingly unfit. She feels like week one is going to be a baptism of fire, and she'll just have to soak it all up and enjoy it. I think a lot of us felt like that about our first time, didn't we? *Harry Hill-style look to camera*

Their quickstep is to 'Dancing' by Kylie Minogue, which is one of them new ones where she went a bit country for some reason. Stacey shows a lot of promise - she's light on her feet, she moves well, she seems confident, her frame appears strong, and there's good body contact throughout. There's lots to build on here, I think. (Apologies if these are getting less and less detailed - I have been at this for approximately 86 hours now, and I'm kind of running out of things to say as well as energy to say it with.)

Darcey loved the amount of content and the lightness, but there were times when it got a bit messy. She thinks Stacey has plenty of promise, though. Shirley says she got what she was looking for, for the most part - she was very impressed by the cleanliness of the footwork, and the right line, but she did notice Stacey's arms dropping near the end - though that'll be fixed with greater core strength. Bruno calls it "sprinty and springy", but cautions her not to get carried away because it can make her arms go a bit wobbly. Craig agrees that it was a bit floppy, but he enjoyed it. (Shall I make the obvious joke there? No, I'll be good.) In the Clauditorium, Stacey says it's such a lovely crowd, and Kevin's been a total gent. Kevin says that because Stacey doesn't know anything about these things, he told her the quickstep was the easiest dance. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24.

Lee and Nadiya are next. They've got a waltz to a song by the Eagles, who are apparently Lee's favourite band. Who knew? In his VT, Lee says he's heard that Nadiya can be a bit of a taskmaster. Nadiya left such little impression on me last year that I can't even remember if that's true or not. Nadiya says that every second thing that comes out of Lee's mouth is a joke, and she doesn't know whether to take him seriously or not. Apparently Seann has been training in the studio next to Lee, so Lee and Nadiya nip in to spy on them. (Either that, or they did so little in training that was interesting in any way, the producers were forced to bolster them up with footage of a more lively couple.) We see them at the Elstree rehearsals watching Faye and Giovanni perform, and Lee says it just makes him want to get out there.

They're dancing to 'Take It To The Limit' which, like 'Kissing You', is super-overdone as a waltz choice on this show, so they're going to have to do something pretty spectacular with the choreography to make it stand out. And...they don't, really. It's nicely performed, perhaps with a little bit too much intensity for a waltz (it's supposed to be romantic, Lee! Stop pulling that face!), but it's also quite forgettable. There's also one moment where Lee properly slips on the floor and, in trying to get himself back into the routine, spends quite a bit of time looking at his feet.

Shirley says she felt the chemistry going there, and also that she thinks Lee's slip was caused by a star on the floor left by the previous couple. Except the previous couple were Stacey and Kevin, and I went back to check and didn't see anything of the sort in their routine? Still, I'm sure our intrepid journalist duo of Kate and Stacey could get to the bottom of it between them, and I would be quite happy to watch Dooley & Silverton as a regular segment on It Takes Two. Anyway, Shirley says he "recuperated" well and got right back into it, but the footwork needs attention and also sometimes he goes ahead of the music. Bruno was impressed at how confidently Lee was leading in that routine. Craig through the rise and fall was all through the knees rather than the feet, and he was ahead of the beat, plus he was concentrating so hard that he was a little too stern-of-face. Lee says he was trying to channel his inner Richard Gere. Darcey says that it felt a little lustful for her (Bruno giggles at this, the little imp) but once it got started he did lead and present Nadiya well.

Lee tells Claudia that he really enjoyed it, but he got all inside his own head when he slipped. Claudia assures him that it was the golden star, that I don't remember seeing and I've watched this show twice, but then I am very tired by this point. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22.

There are only two couples left! We can do this! Joe and Dianne are our penultimate couple of the night, and this is where it all gets a bit cringeworthy as Tess attempts to be down with the kids by saying "emoji" and "trending" a lot. In his VT, Joe says "everybody thinks I'm a bit of a prankster", and I know I am far too old to be in the target demographic for YouTubers, but I think I can say with reasonable authority that the "pranksters" are the worst ones, because the pranks are always really shit. Case in point: Joe pranks Dianne by filling the training room with boxes and hiding in one of them so he can jump out and make her scream. CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE GUYS! (Aside: I was quite relieved when I discovered that ThatcherJoe, which is the name of Joe's YouTube account, is because that's what he used to do for a living and not because he's a massive Tory. I mean, he may still be a massive Tory, I don't know, but at least that's not where he got the name from.) Oh yeah, they've got the jive.

They're dancing to 'Take On Me' (which seems an oddly old-school music choice for a celebrity chosen so transparently to court the youth audience, right?). Joe is the last of the evening's big surprises because he turns out that he's secretly quite good too - his jive is very energetic, his kicks and flicks are well-timed, and he and Dianne have good chemistry. Given that he comes with what I can only assume is a substantial pre-existing fanbase, and also fills the ever-popular "nice young man" niche [though why are they dressing him like your middle-aged I'm-mad-me uncle who lost 4 stone on Slimming World (not a cult honest) and hasn't bothered buying replacements in case he puts it all back on again? - Rad], I'm already starting to wonder if we might have our second win by a Joe in as many years. (Also well done to Jamie in the band for managing to carry off 'Take On Me', because that could have gone very, very wrong indeed.)

Auntie Tess asks Joe if that's trending already, and Joe replies "I hope so." Bruno shouts a load of mostly incomprehensible words at him that end with "grasshopper", and he says that Joe has to be the biggest surprise of the night. Craig says he didn't have high hopes for Joe after his dance on the launch show, but this has changed everything. Darcey says he was full of attack and he looked like a Mexican jumping bean out there. Shirley tells him his grandma (who he signed up to the show to impress) will be very proud of him because he did very well. In the Clauditorium, Joe says that he's really out of breath, and Dianne confirms that she's really proud of him. Scores Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Claudia tells Joe that he's joint-second on the leaderboard, and Joe actually looks quite shocked by this, which is sweet.

Here we go: our final couple of the night are Faye and Giovanni. Tess says that Giovanni has been threatening to include some of Faye's iconic Steps dances in their routine but she hopes that it doesn't end in a (wait for it) TRAGEDY. Please note that Alfie Deyes is sitting behind her, looking bored, and is pretty much the only person in shot not doing the hand moves. Ugghh, he's the worst. (And there goes our comment section, it's been nice knowing you all.) In her VT, Faye says she's a big Strictly fan, and being on the show is everything she dreamed of and more. Giovanni hopes she will get the STEPS right or it will be a TRAGEDY. I think these jokes are BETTER BEST FORGOTTEN. They've got the cha cha cha to start with, and Giovanni has fun counting her in 5-6-7-8. Faye says she want to do her absolute best.  [I can't believe they didn't mention she was wearing A DEEPER SHADE OF BLUE - Rad]

They're dancing to 'Lullaby' by Sigala & Paloma Faith, and of course Faye is very good. The one thing I will say here is that I'm not really feeling much of a connection with the camera yet - it's all a bit inward and Rachel Stevens, and I think she'll need to do better than that if she wants to overcome the voters' inherent prejudice against women with obvious existing dance experience. Then again, it's been a long show, we're all quite tired, maybe that has something to do with it. I will say that her drop to the floor at the end is very impressive, and makes me think this couple works really well together because that's a lot of trust to put into a three-week partnership.

Craig says that this performance was definitely worth the wait and by no means a tragedy - though Faye needs to work on her hip action a bit. Darcey says it was a wonderful way to finish the night - it was cheeky and fun and full of everything it needed to have. Shirley thinks it was clean and relatively musical, but she personally didn't like how straight and stiff Faye's lines were. Bruno says it was clean, clear, polished and with plenty of sparkle. He thinks it has been a night of surprises because everyone has given them a very good standard of performance - and it's very difficult to predict how this is going to play out.

In the Clauditorium, Tess says that Faye's never missed an episode of Strictly, which makes me hope that the public vote this year doesn't make an unfortunate first for her. Faye fangirls about being here, and the scores are in: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 29.

The leaderboard stands as follows:

1=. Ashley & Pasha - 29
1=. Faye & Giovanni - 29
3=. Danny & Amy - 27
3=. Dr Ranj & Janette - 27
3=. Joe & Dianne - 27
6=. Lauren & AJ - 25
6=. Charles & Karen - 25
8. Stacey & Kevin - 24
9=. Graeme & Oti - 22
9=. Lee & Nadiya - 22
11. Kate & Aljaž - 20
12=. Seann & Katya - 18
12=. Vick & Graziano - 18
14. Katie & Gorka - 17
15. Susannah & Anton - 12

A lot of ties there, aren't there? Hopefully next week will mix that up a bit. SCORING TRIVIA CORNER: First time since series five that nobody has scored 30 or above in week one, first time since series one that nobody has scored 30 or above for a first dance.

We then get a video package reminding us of all the ways we can keep up with Strictly during the week: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, a podcast hosted by Scott Mills and someone called Amy Elizabeth (absolutely no thank you), something on BBC Three involving children (clearly not), and It Takes Two with Zoe during the week (yes, of course).

That's it! We made it! Thank you for reading this far to everyone who hasn't fallen asleep. Next week, Rad has the joy of recapping all of this plus a results show [Hmmm, now I know why you drew up the rota - Rad]. I'm going off to bathe my hands in aloe vera.