My Super Sweet S16

Series 16 Launch show: Saturday 8 September 2018

Since we last met, Kevin and Karen got unmarried, Brendan and Chloe got the boot, Darcey got a damehood, I got a new version of Dragon that is being put through its paces for the first time properly tonight [uh-oh - Steve] so this is going to take me about as long as two-dance week to recap and we’re about to gain three new professional dancers, 15 new celebrities and a terrifying sounding ‘couple’s choice’ suite of new dances (*crosses fingers* please be better than fusion week please be better than fusion week). Will anyone join Aliona in two-glitterballs club?  Will Neil get a dance partner again? (spoiler: no, as has already been revealed everywhere) Will a female celebrity finally break the run of male winners?  And how much licence-fee payer’s cash was saved assembling this year’s cast? Let’s start the journey to find out the answers to at least some of these questions!

We open with a glitterball-smashing montage dedicated to the number 15: 15 celebrities! 15 former winners! 15 years of Strictly! (although I suppose it’s its fifteenth year, with its actual fifteenth anniversary falling uncomfortably between this year’s series and next due to series 1’s timing).  Welcome to Strictly Come Dancing series… 16. 

And we are straight into the outdoor public entrance part of the show: no porn train, no whimsical 50s glamour, no surrealist outer space dream - just a fairly expensive and impressive looking illuminated stage as we welcome back our pros, hosts and judges. The celebrities are then revealed, amidst so much pink glitter that you can’t tell who anybody is (insert obligatory joke about how you don’t need glitter for that et cetera et cetera).

As for the intro before the intro bits where they talk to the camera before we’ve been officially introduced to them, we learn the following: Dr Ranj is one for the terrible jokes (he has 'Strictly fever' ho ho ho), Faye from Steps likes glitter, the cricketer looks, well, like a cricketer, Faye from Steps and Charles Venn would like to be considered for the roles of Johnny and Baby in your next West End revival of Dirty Dancing how dare you suggest they are too old, Vick is, at least in appearance, channelling her inner Natalie Gumede, Lee from Blue is in blue (I see what they did there), Anton is apparently introduced along with the other celebrity contestants, I wondered who they were going to hobble Janette with this year.  Also: Everyone fancies Graziano (this may become a theme) [I don't, just for the record - Steve], Stacey Dooley wants to be paired with Kevin (she clearly hasn’t seen his frankly terrifying stanning for Joe Sugg all over his Instagram and Twitter).

The first pro-dance of the series: a Latin-esque mash up to 'Lost in Music' and 'Let’s Dance' reveals the following: Nadiya is being put front and centre as the designated sexy female dancer (somewhere, Ola Jordan is kicking a box of unsold Ann Summers sex toys across the living room at James who is busy being “controversial” on the Twitters and hoping for his invite to the jungle), Aljaž has lost none of his cheesy dad persona because that was so successful last year, Anton and Dianne doing sexy dancing is not something I wish to ever see again in my life. By the magic of television, we then segue into the ballroom proper, where we have actual Chic and Nile Rogers (as I believe they like to be called these days) performing a medley of 'Everybody Dance', 'I’m Coming Out' and 'We Are Family' (to which Anton descends from the ceiling on a large glitterball in case you were worried the budget-scrimping on cast might have extended to ridiculous ceiling props).  

Tess and Claudia enter, on the arms of our new male pros, Graziano and Johannes - and whilst much has already been made of Graziano’s beauty (he is a little bit bargain-bin Gleb, but if he has even 1/10 of Gleb’s crazy, I’ll be happy with that), Johannes is hardly unpleasant-looking. As for our glorious hosts, Claudia has her hair tied back and it really suits her. Coupled with a stylish black suit, that’s a strong opening look. Not wild about the hoop earrings, but we can’t have it all. Tess is in silver bacofoil in what is clearly a tribute to Brendan. #neva4get

They welcome Dave Arch, the 'orchestra' (how’s that for an upgrade?), the singers and three of the judges (Craig and Bruno are in black suits with white shirts; Shirley is in a classic white dress with a bizarre beaded shawl cape thing over it because Shirley gotta Shirley, I guess). Darcey gets her own special intro to 'There is Nothing like a Dame', accompanied by Giovanni and Neil. She is dressed in a bright fuchsia dress that looked pretty good and the best thing is how deeply embarrassed she looks during the whole segment. Can you imagine if this had been Len getting a knighthood how much we'd have had to suffer that being repeated over and over? It'd make Sralan/Ludsugar look positively restrained.

And now! Time for the real point of tonight’s show-to discover how the celebrities agents have managed to get them credited! The 2018 lineup are as follows: TV presenter and author Katie Piper; England cricket legend Graeme Swann; pop star Faye Tozer; comedian Seann Walsh; broadcaster Stacey Dooley; Casualty star Charles Venn; author and presenter Susannah Constantine; 'from This Morning and CBeebies', Dr Ranj Singh; Paralympic triathlete Lauren Steadman; social media star Joe Sugg; journalist and news broadcaster Kate Silverton; singer and actor Lee Ryan; radio DJ Vick Hope; star of stage and screen Danny John Jules and 'from the Pussycat Dolls' Ashley Roberts.

So, let’s take a look at some of those little bit more, shall we?  Lee vs Faye vs Ashley for the battle of former pop royalty: Faye gets 'pop star' rather than 'from Steps', so there’s a win over Ashley - somewhat surprising, given Ashley is way more famous for her TV work than she ever was as a member of the Pussycat Dolls. Of course, 'pop star' still omits Faye's extensive musical theatre career. Lee, meanwhile, gets an upgrade to ‘singer’ (some might say that’s generous) and actor, so round one to Lee’s agent? [I guess the thing he's most recently remembered for is EastEnders, although I'm not sure how much actual acting he was doing in that. - Steve] The sportspeople get a handy primer as to which sport you’ve never heard of them from, and I’m not sure if ‘radio DJ' is better or worse than 'Capital FM DJ'. As for the TV stars - Kate definitely gets the edge over Stacey being a 'journalist' as well as a 'broadcaster', whilst Susannah and Katie tie, despite Susannah not having presented anything of note this decade that I’m aware of and her books only being spin-offs of her TV shows. Dr Ranj has his name helpfully prefixed with why members of the audience who are not home in the daytime may not have heard of him, but it’s Danny John-Jules who is perhaps the winner here as a 'star of stage and screen' a.k.a. a big massive ringer. But what we all were waiting for is, of course, how Joe Sugg would be referenced-and I have to say, 'social media star' is a bit more downgrade than I thought they would go for, I was expecting a variation on presenter and author, or at least YouTuber (I get the need not to brand advertise, but we’ve mentioned This Morning, so…). As for the theme tune dancing, Faye already looks to be a contender for 'can’t be bothered with this level of tomfoolery', but just about all of them managed to at least have a go for now.

Claudia and Tess embarrass Darcy some more before asking her what makes the perfect couple and she says they have to have the same energy as each other. Craig advises them to put a smile on his face by being 'perfect, committed, focused and putting in the hours in training'. He says they're happy-go-lucky at the moment, but that will all change once they get into the gruelling regime of rehearsals, doing the day job, raising families and having every aspect of their lives pored over by the Daily Mail and Digital Spy. I watch Hollyoaks - I can see the damage in the eyes of Ashley Taylor Dawson every time I tune in; the ringing of '35 35 35' buzzing in his head - he's even resorted to having soap's least sexy affair with Mandy to try and remind him of being young and innocent, a time before Aladdin carpets and unfavourable comparisons to Ricky Nipple.  Then Craig actually says they are 'all lambs to the slaughter'.  If this is turning into our first official Strictly snuff movie, that might explain somewhat them casting it with a lot of people who aren't essential to the world of celebrity. (And then it all ends when Death in Paradise's Danny John-Jules solves the crime and apprehends the murderer - it was, oh, let's say, *spins the wheel of bitter ex-pros and judges* Nicole Cutler all along!)

Claudia asks Bruno who is going to win and he says he’s got 'a sniff of...', before editing cuts out whatever filth he said then and we cut to him saying 'just ignore Craig'. Shirley tells them to surprise her and we cut to some of the reaction shots of the celebrities - Faye looking very much like 'I want to please the teachers so I will pretend that they’re not telling me things I don’t already know', Stacey, in a very skimpy bikini that leaves little to the imagination, looking dutifully embarrassed, Joe looking a little dead behind the eyes don't forget to subscribe and click the little bell icon to turn on notifications #ad #spon.

Time to meet the celebrities properly now! And I’ve heard grumblings that this year’s cast is full of ringers (unlike last year’s positively amateur line-up with a final full of West End Wendys and national ballet superstars), so we’ll be examining the evidence as we go.  

Kate Silverton is the obligatory BBC newsreader, notable chiefly for being easily confused with Natasha Kaplinsky in her earlier career and with Jane Hall more recently (or was that just me?) and, apparently, punching Rod Liddle in the face once, hurray. She says she’s looking forward to the fun side of this and that she’s never danced before. My Ringerometer detects lies. (Dear sweet baby Jesus I miss BBC Susanna Reid. Also, I love that Fiona Bruce is always front and centre of these things and await her eventual megaringer domination of this show when she finally gives in with baited breath).  

Vick Hope is probably the least well-known of this year’s contestants (I mean I’d never heard of the cricketer or triathlete either, but SPORTS so I assume someone has) and is a radio ‘and TV’ presenter – you need to get yourself an upgrade for your intro, hon. She works the breakfast shift on Capital and isn’t taking any time off, so expect her to be a worn-out husk by about week six. She is a Geordie so is used to dancing in heels and is looking forward to the salsa, samba and Argentine Tango. She also once danced for the Queen. Ringerrrrrr.  

Faye Tozer (or 'from Steps' as she will always be known) is absolutely not a ringer, because, as we all know, musical theatre just involves sitting on a chair, and being in a pop group is an entirely different style of dancing. She apparently plays the spoons, but if that’s a criterion, why haven’t we had Sylvester McCoy on this show, hmm? (Actually, why haven’t we had any Doctor Who people, BBC Crossover team get on this please).

Susannah Constantine is famous for being the one half of Trinny and Susannah who isn’t making money from other means and the clips of What Not to Wear remind us that the early-00s were not a kind decade, fashion-wise, as the 'what to wears' look even worse than the 'nots'. She’s now 56 and is looking forward to filling the relatable post-menopausal woman bracket in a cast with comparatively few oldies compared to most series. Oh, and learning to ‘ballroom dance’ – so I guess she's going to be paired with Anton as he continues his war against Latin. On first glance, she appears to have a dance-free background. But! Trinny has form, and don't tell me Susannah didn't absorb those skills by osmosis. My ringer sense is tingling.

Kate says she’s giving her full commitment to this, like she’s at a job interview. They already cast you, Kate, it’s fine. As we look at the male pro line-up (minus Neil because #poorneil is now officially a running gag - and also minus Johannes), the outfits they are wearing tonight are god-awful. Kevin’s is the worst, some kind of sheer thing with metal chains that I presume is meant to look bondage-chic but they are sagging in such a way that it looks like he has bad swag curtains for bosoms. Oh, and Kate is paired with Aljaž because she’s tall and Ian don’t work here no more. 

Vick says she has long limbs and is quite clumsy, mhmm, sure she is, clumsy like an 8 in a week one cha cha (guessing) and she’s paired with Graziano, flinging her crotch at his. Girl knows what her prescribed storyline is so may as well get started.  

Susannah also has unfortunate curtain chains running down her bosom – if she gets Kevin, those things will get caught together and Vicky Gill will need to get her pliers out to free them (obviously she’s the Anton though). She said she wanted someone with an evil sense of humour and Anton has it. Susannah vs Latin is a-go. Faye has what looks like thin strips of hazard tape all over her breast, in an unusual tribute to Lady Gaga in the ‘Telephone’ video. She used to be in a group, but dancing with five people is totally different to dancing in a two, not a ringer, no siree. She’s paired with Giovanni who is probably overdue a duffer at this stage – although the female cast this year is, on paper, possibly a little light on those. I do feel a little sad at him having a new partner this year. I mean, I like Faye from Steps fine and all but she’s no DEBBEH. 

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Faye cried when she got cast, Susannah’s 19-year old son is as mortified as last year’s legend Flo Rimmer, Vick's dance involved tea cups, and she thinks it feels like she just got married to Graziano - get writing those columns now Daily Mail typewriter monkeys.

Tess tells us that Shirley won the World Championships with two different partners and I imagine the real reason is something mundane like a break-up or ‘creative differences’ but I do hope there’s a salacious backstory there that ends in Shirley shoving her heels through his feet because he fluffed a samba roll or something. Oh and Shirley tells us 'chemistry' is the key to a good partnership, which is true, but also feels like the kind of thing the pairs can’t actually make happen so not sure how useful it is as advice.  

In the Clauditorium with the yet-to-be-paired celebs, we learn that it’s Joe’s birthday. His hair is so big and messy it makes AJ’s look like a short back and sides. Also Katie is the most nervous allegedly, but one look at Ranj’s body language tells me something else; Ranj is thinking of getting his eyebrows an Instagram account [100 per cent would follow - Steve]; Lee and Joe are writing songs together (their first composition is called ‘Joe and Lee’s first song’ which is just about dorky enough to be cute. As long as I never have to actually hear said song), Lauren wants a partner who eats a lot and are we SURE there aren’t same-sex partnerships this year, cos Lord knows there’s only one pro who has that gimmick.

Time for the new pro showcase, and it’s a Cuban-themed dance to ‘Havana’ in which Luba and Johannes get about equal screen time as Karen and Janette, and then there is literally a white light, a parting of the crowds and the arrival of Graziano, all in white with his long hair and chest out, in case you needed to be hit over the head by the point that we have a new Messiah of dance. And two other people who’ll just hang around in the group dances and maybe get the odd chance to do Khoreography Korner on ITT.

Claudia’s Adventures in Comedy Bits: An iPad/eyepatch malapropism. Please do better, everyone.

Time for our first set of male celebrities.  Lee Ryan was in Blue, EastEnders and several other reality shows. He thinks he is good at ‘dad dancing’ as he has a kid, so he’s clearly ready to take part in BABY WARZ. As for his ringer status, as we all know by now, pop music is very different to ballroom dancing, so nope, NOT A RINGER.  

‘Dr Ranj’ (I can sense this might get annoying, but it does at least reflect his legal name, unlike, say, ‘Judge Rinder’ or ‘Anton DuBeke’) is still a working NHS emergency paediatrician (<3) as well as being This Morning’s medical expert and hosting a CBeebies show called Get Well Soon that involves him, yes, dancing, with a (puppet) partner, comedy props and high-concept theming. RING-A-DING-DING.  

Danny John-Jules is an actor known for lots and lots of roles, including Red Dwarf, Death in Paradise and many a West End musical  As we all know, that makes him basically a beginner, so NOT A RINGER. (Also, he was involved in the original production of Starlight Express and I don’t know whether to be ridiculously excited or utterly terrified at the prospect of us somehow having a rollerskating routine coming up. I bet that’s the kind of thing we might have got from Anton and Ruth had they stayed in long enough). 

And now for ‘oh no, they’ve let a YouTuber on, the world is ending’, in the form of Joe Sugg, younger and marginally-less annoying brother of Zoella. On the one hand, I am somewhat surprised they actually went there, especially after the flak they got when casting Mark Wright - on the other, he’s more famous than at least three other members of this cast. Also, one of my PhD students is doing work on YouTube so this is going to give her lots to write about, so yay for relevant case studies and all of that. I’m somewhat impressed he’s referring to himself as primarily a YouTuber rather than an author, voiceover artist or TV presenter (he did some straight to DVD BBC branded things a few years ago), even if he does boast about his millions of followers like he’s in a Morgana sketch. However, he also gives us the first I WANNA GO TO BLACKPOOL of the series (it gets earlier and earlier every year) so that can fuck right off. He has also deployed the first salvo in NANA WARS by not only mentioning he’s doing this for his grandparents, but uploading videos on his channel of him telling them. (His Grandma’s response seems to be less than impressed, so she might become my favourite). Oh, and he has extensive dancing experience. RINGER. (Also, he uses the term ‘mirrorball’ rather than ‘glitterball’ which is kind of endearingly nerdy, in an 'I think you'll find that that's the correct term actually' kind of way).

Lee is first to be paired, with Nadiya. They each look somewhat terrified – whether of the other’s reputation or the inevitable tabloid showmance speculation, who can tell. Ranj (in pink with a Hawaiian-esque shirt) keeps talking about being ‘pocket sized’, so it’s no surprise that Janette is landed with him. Or he is landed with Janette, depending on how sore you still are about what she did last year [and several other years - Steve]. Danny (in velvet with a sparkly bowler hat) gets Amy. I think this partnership might be quite loud [and by "partnership", you presumably mean "Danny", because I remember Amy talking even less than Oksana did - Steve] – but it’ll be interesting to see what she can do with a contender. Joe reiterates that he’d like to get to BLACKPOOL for his nan and I am tired of this storyline already. He’s paired with Dianne and, despite him being a YouTuber, he seems quite understated so how he copes with her energy will be interesting. Or a car crash. They have, at least, put him in a red suit that matches her hair to make this pairing look viable. In the Clauditorium, we learn that Joe only dances drunk. Hmm, dances drunk, seems fairly uninvested… is Katie Derham his spirit animal?

Time for the annual first meeting of the stars and pros, featuring car crash group dance rehearsals.  It begins with some protracted footage of Tess, Claud and all the pros driving to the venue (which appears to be a regular dance studio, in something of a downgrade from the usual country manor) in which we learn that Karen is shaky on the lyrics of ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)’. The rehearsals involve everyone sweating, a lot.

We come to the rest of our female celebrities now. Katie Piper is famous for being a presenter and model. As we all know, modelling involves walking and posing, which is basically the rumba. And we had a pro-dance themed around catwalks and modelling last year, so all the evidence points to RINGER.  

Stacey Dooley is famous for presenting BBC Three ‘hard-hitting’ documentaries that largely consist of her going to really tricky places around the world and stating the obvious about how bad things are. The only evidence I can find of a shady ringer past is a very sketchy video on YouTube that might not even be of her, so the jury is out, but she has filmed in Russia, so who’s to say she didn’t fit in some sneaky lessons with Artem while she was over there, hmm?  

As for Lauren Steadman, she is also hiding any previous dancing expertise well [except for those stories in the papers about her being an actual salsa teacher - Steve][Oh Steve, teaching is entirely different from being a ringer.  You know what they say, those who can't... /selfdeprecation - Rad]. She’s a triathlete, which means she cycles, swims and runs. And cyclists, swimmers and runners are notoriously rubbish at this show (yes Denise Lewis, but she’s a heptathlete which is totally different. Probably), so she might get a pass.  

Our final female contestant is Ashley Roberts, who is most famous for being one of the anonymous ones in Dame Scherz and the Pussycat Dolls. The only reason anyone can name her as one of the Pussycat Dolls was because she’s been on eight dozen reality shows in the past that tell us she was in the Pussycat Dolls. Also she’s been a judge on various dancing reality shows, but as Aston and Louise have shown us, that is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from ballroom and Latin and, thus, she cannot be a ringer. And also I might have thought she and Kimberly Wyatt were the same person until this exact moment when I saw her VT and thought ‘she doesn’t sound or look like she did on Celebrity Masterchef’ because I’m a 'the blonde one in a girl band' racist apparently.

Onto the pairings and Katie (in sugary pink, which can’t help all the people keeping mixing her up with Katie Price) is matched with Gorka which seems like it could be quite a popular pairing – she seems very sweet and he probably needs a… less intense partner than Alexandra.  

Lauren (in a dress with a purple heart, weird purple strappy bits and a ribbon belt made from discarded hazelnut-in-toffee wrappers) is matched with AJ, and there's an awkward kerrash moment that doesn't bode that well. Can I blame his hair?  

Pasha and Kevin are left and neither looks that excited about Stacey (clad in the most skimpy outfit of all the female celebs, which has Princess Leia gold bikini vibes), but she’s matched with Kevin because of course she is. I look forward to moody shots of Freeman Street and the Dock Tower flyover in Stacey Dooley Investigates… Grimsby. Or, you know, lots of really annoying VTs where they’re both annoyingly loud. That leaves Ashley (in a fairly nice blue dress) and Pasha (Asha?  Pashley?) and it’s nice for him to have a possible contender for the first time in ages, but I’m not entirely sure how their personalities will mesh.

Our guest performance is from Nile Rodgers 'n' Chic (who are really working for their pay cheque tonight) with Craig David and Steff Lon Don (whose main role seems to be shouting ‘ratchet’). On paper, it’s a lovely nod to the intergenerational audience of the show, something for everyone and so on. In practice it’s a godawful racket, but still infinitely better than the sound of Boe Balls. Also AJ and Janette and Oti and Gorka dance about a bit and AJ’s growing-out-mum-perm hair is so distracting. 

Last lap! Seann Walsh is famous for being a comedian whose work I’m unfamiliar with but apparently involves tributes to the legendary moves of Ben Cohen, Ruth Langsford and Christopher Parker, the DIRTY RINGER. In his VT he says it’d be great if there was a ‘Strictly Come Cooking’ he could go on next.  It’s called ‘Celebrity Masterchef’, love. And most C-tier celebs desperate for money/publicity tend to do both at some stage in their career so I wouldn’t worry. 

Charles Venn is an actor best known for being Jacob, the resident velvety-voiced heartthrob in Casualty (he bedded Dame Connie Beauchamp! And everyone else) and also for once being called Chucky Venn and being Morgan’s dad in EastEnders. And for also being called Chucky Venice (hahahahahahaha) and being in Dream Team. His VT also claims he was (a glorified extra) in lots of action films, but that was bad enough when it was Colin Salmon so let’s not. He may not have reams of on-camera dance experience, but he did once do the horizontal tango on a desk with Little Miss Jocelyn so he’s at least at Deborah Meaden standards even before we start, the dirty RINGER.  

Graeme Swann is a cricketer, who looks a bit like a skew-whiff foreheaded version of Strictly Legend Michael Vaughan. I'm not even going to reach to claim he's a ringer, because, let's face it, he's a cricketer (still not over series 3).

Seann’s been kitted out in a glittery red jacket but his hair is currently untamed. We’ll see how long that lasts. He’s been paired with Katya, so she’s presumably following the usual pattern of an early boot after winning (sorry Seann). Charles is in black with limited glitter and I think he might have won the taste battle of the male costumes. He gets paired with Karen, who seems stunned that she didn’t get the cricketer. That gift (with his velour and spangled tight top) goes to Oti. He tries to teach her the floss, which his seven-year old son taught him. My nine year old nephew tried to teach me that over the summer – it must be a junior school boy ‘thing’, but I don’t need this to be worked into every routine. Although the thought of Oti and a komedy contestant is… both terrifying and baffling.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Seann is a QPR fan so they’ve had him a sequinned scarf made to compensate for him not being able to use his season ticket. Other football teams are, of course, available.

The judges, who have been fairly superfluous this evening, are asked for thoughts on how to prepare for the car crash group dance – Shirley suggests good posture, no turned in feet and lots of chemistry. When dancing with the person who isn’t your actual partner, oops. Craig thinks it will be fab-u-lous.  Tess asks Darcey for her training advice once they go into the series proper, which is to listen to the partner and enjoy themselves. Then we're back to group dance advice from Bruno who says it doesn’t matter, no-one’s getting scored, just  have a good time. Just like the first year at university. [Dr Rad does not endorse this view. This blog does not represent my employer etc etc]. 

The car crash group dance is to 'It Takes Two' (every week night, BBC Two, 630pm). Annoyingly, the male celebrities are wearing the same outfits as the male pros, making it difficult to spot them. However, from what we do see, Vick, Chucky, Ashley and Faye all look good; Susannah, Katie, Seann, Kate and Graeme less so. Everyone else is barely visible (Danny, in particular, has been hidden at the back out of shot the whole time), but all in all, as expected. [I'd add Stacey to the list of ones to watch too. - Steve] Still, they seem like a fun lot to spend the next few months with – we’ll see you in a couple of weeks when they take to the dancefloor for real!

Edit: Also Joe McFadden didn't turn up to do a winner's dance, allegedly because he got in a huff who can say and I didn't even notice, that's how invested I was in Joe.