Monday 26 November 2018

Swannsong

Week 10: Top 7 Results - 25 November 2018

Last night! The perils of live TV meant the judging of the lindyhopathon was the biggest clusterfuck on this show since, well, since what happened to Danny, probably, what a series it’s been. Also some dancing, much of which was not particularly good, leaving Faye at the top and Lauren at the bottom. Tonight! Someone's going home.  

But first... the much hyped return of Arlene - not that she's in any way visible (and can't say I really blame her, although I find it interesting that this series, full of drama as it is, is the one with a lot of olive branch action - Trent, Jill, Arlene... who next, James Jordan?).

The collaboration she has choreographed with Candoco dance company, the pros (plus Trent, Gordana and various hangers-on) features Anton as the ringleader of a pansexual, polyamorous group of dancers, and it's mean'n'moody contempowaft with bits of ballroom and Latin technique, lots of dry ice and chandeliers, all to 'Life on Mars'. It's exciting, dramatic and there are probably way too many people on stage to really grasp what's going on, but it's a great example of disabled and able-bodied performers working together seamlessly, and somehow Arlene's managed to get Anton to cartwheel backwards off a table, so hats off!

Tess  and Claudia enter, Claudia wearing, well, the fur from a yeti that's been dipped in tinsel. Tess is wearing red, with missing patches on the shoulders. Perhaps the yeti ate them before Claudia skinned it.

They remind us of the Lindy Hop-athon results again. A bit more. Just in case. And then revisit the leaderboard. I feel a lot of that was more for the benefit of the people in the studio who are still reeling from what happened an hour or so ago in their time than those of us who've had a day to recover.

The judges enter: Shirley and Bruno; Craig and Darcey – all in black now. Darcey in a dress that appears to be half black lace, half black bin bag, and Craig in some bondage necklacey things that look like he nicked them from Bruno's wardrobe as a dare.  

Interminable recap of last night in which the following happens: Hot Greg pretends to have lost control of the time and needs some more acting training if he wants to seem convincing; Oti rehearses in an ugly peach hoodie; Stacey and Kevin aren't entirely taking the lindy choreo very seriously in rehearsals; Faye’s dress looks even more saggy up close; Dianne calls street commercial 'street com'; Stacey bangs the set after her 10s - not sure she should do that too hard, it’ll fall down. The best moment of the night (i.e. the Lindy hop fuckup) isn't covered.

Will we have a battle of the bottom two goddesses in a Graeme vs Charles dance-off? Well, before we find out, here's another look at the leaderboard because we have no attention span.

Safe are: Joe and Dianne; Faye and Giovanni. In the dance-off? Graeme and Oti.

Tess says Graeme wants to be here next week to do musicals week. Oh fuck, this means I DO have two-dance week fucketty fucking fuck. Anyway, Graeme, you already did movies week, it's the exact same thing, you won't be missing much. [Also he literally just did musical theatre for his couple's choice routine last week! - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, Joe says he's never got to a quarter final of anything and he’s prepared to keep pushing himself in genres. Dianne says he was like Bambi on ice with his skinny long limbs at the start, but he worked really hard. Joe worries if he really does have skinny long limbs. Also, for the ship watchers  - lots of hugs between them. Faye's crying again, so it's surely only a matter of time before she goes full Gumede. Also she and Giovanni have 'The Lonely Goatherd' next week, which is the most hilarious thing I can imagine. What's harder to imagine is exactly what genre they'll be dancing. Wacky songs lend themselves to Charleston but the speed and rhythm of that song don't seem right. If anything, its beats might be closer to a samba (and Lord know she's overdue party Latin) but even Anton at his fever dream best wouldn't choreograph a goatherd samba, so I can't see Giovanni doing it. Either way, colour me intrigued.

Time now for special guest performer, the ghost of Rod Stewart’s voice. He's croaking out some drivel about how it was all better in the old days before political correctness, all whilst Johannes, Luba, Graziano and Katya as the forces of modern multicultural millenialism prance about at a bar in Soho in front, with the women in trousers and the men in tight satiny pants all genderfucking the place up to Rod’s old wittering about men being men, our generation doesn't give a flying fuck about your cultural appropriation white guys can totally sing the blues and play basketball and do urbanstreet contemporary, also, while you're at it, get off my lawn.  Then there's even some homerotic same sex dancing before the men are denied their true love and forced to go off with the women, but they come back and miss each other in a sad metaphor for the olden days when heteronormativity was king and people were repressing their true selves. I mean, I suppose you could see it all as a literal interpretation of Rod’s sad story about his old drinking chum dying and a loving tribute to the 60s/70s but I choose to believe it's all some sort of metaphor about Brexiteers vs Snowflakes or something. Either way, one of the more interesting pros dancing about in front of guest performer dances this series.  As long as you didn't pay any attention to the bevy of blondes in red swaying and clicking behind Rod like Robert Palmer's cast-offs circa 1985.

Dance debrief time: Stacey's determination paid off; Faye’s perfection is being illustrated by her footwork flailing a bit, then the endless pivot. Craig explains Joe’s 7 by showing the timing and moaning about props again and not calling it 'street' enough, because Craig is absolutely the arbiter of street-ness - he knows what it is, he's just street tuff. Bruno is also asked to justify his 10 for Ashley. [Baffled that Craig has to explain his 7 for Joe and Bruno has to explain his 10 for Ashley but Shirley and Bruno get away scot-free with giving Joe 10s for that MESS. - Steve] Basically it was 'because sex'. Even in those beige outfits? Good to see that even after his momentary lapse into being the anchor on the sinking ship, he’s back to his usual self.

Weekly plug for the various paratexts: ITT, the podcast, Facebook, Instagram, Danny John Jules' mildly aggressive conspiracy theory tweets, iPlayer, ViewMaster reel, readalong storybook and cassette, brain implant etc.

And now for Results 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Lauren and AJ are safe, meaning they must be in the top 3 of the audience vote, which I'm... kind of surprised by? Maybe? Stacey and Kevin are also safe, putting Ashley and Charles into the before bottom 2 - and.... it's Ashley and Pasha, leading Charles and Karen pulling shocked face for the ages. Wow, our first proper LEADERBOARD PLUNGE.  I voted for her for the first time this week because I thought this could be the outcome, but still, from second with the judges to either last or second last with the public. Oof. More importantly – we've all been robbed of Charles vs Graeme, the dance-off to end all dance-offs.  

Darcey tells her to soften it down (like it matters what she does when she’s against Graeme) and Darcey doesn’t understand why she’s here, even though it happens to every ringer round about the time the pack thins out and they don’t top the leaderboard. [Yeah, I mean I'm not saying it's predictable, but this is the exact week it happened to Alexandra for the first time, albeit from slightly lower on the leaderboard. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, we're with Lauren and AJ. Lauren loves musicals - she used to go with her grandparents (because Joe isn't the only one who's had them), but, tellingly, doesn't know what they're doing next week - is that because there was a plan for them not to be here? Charles can barely breathe and says 'without you guys there is no us' which is all a bit existentialist. Also, they’re bringing the rumba back next week for our first official bloke rumba! Karen cackles like a fool at this. Bodes well. Stacey is very excited and doesn’t know anything about musicals but K does – they're dancing to a song from Les Mis but no announcement of song/genre. A Charleston to 'Master of the House?'  A rumba to 'I Dreamed a Dream'? An Argentine Tango to, I dunno, 'Castle on a Cloud' or something weird enough to compete with 'The Lonely Goatherd'?

Musicals trailer, unfortunately featuring Graeme sating this is the one he's been looking forward to from the word go. Hang on, wasn’t that Blackpool? It's all done in hazy yellow light that looks kind of sinister – musicals week is meant to be happy week people.

Graeme and Oti dance first and the dance is, if anything, even worse second time round although I suppose it doesn’t matter. He just doesn’t appear very committed to the footwork and his grin has become a grimace. Also, the instrumentation and Hayley's vocal are conspiring to make it all sound a bit sinister, like the song's about to kill you. Still his salute at the end feels like a good sign-off move.

Ashley and Pasha's dance is pretty much the same as before: still not much bounce, but plenty of wiggle and facial gymnastics.

Craig saves A&P as it’s 'a no-brainer' with a slight Pah-sha creeping in because Ashley's infecting everyone. Darcey saved them for being more technically efficient (not like my bloody technical equipment yesterday); Bruno for 'no disrespect' but it being evident they were much much stronger on every level. Shirley would also have saved them.

Graeme says he’d have voted for Ashley and Pasha as well. He thanks everyone. Faye is weeping buckets up on the staircase. Who'd have thought she was a secret Graeme friend, would have been fun to learn more about that friendship. Graeme jokes that he had a secret 25 years of ballroom training that he kept quiet. He thanks everyone, especially Oti, and says he'll never open his fingers in ballroom, but it will be nice to spend more time with wife and kids though, and that he thought he was on borrowed time, and unless he learned to fly he wouldn’t make it past next week (I bet they would have flown him in next week if he was here). Oti says she's never laughed so much or been so angry so much, will miss their carpool karaoke with him on journeys, and she's made a friend for life.

They dance out to 'I Try' and have clearly not rehearsed as they are trying to do entirely different things. Credits post-mortem? Ashley says Graeme and Oti were her best friends (?!) and Joe will miss him laughing. 

Next week - will the bus finally hit Lauren? Will Charles dodge another dance-off via the power of Blokerumba sympathy votes? Will they take the war with Danny one step further by using Starlight Express? And what the hell will 'The Lonely Goatherd' dance be all about?  Join Steve then for curtain up!

The Lindy Project

Week 10: Top 7 Perform: 24 November 2018

Last week! The Blackpooliest Blackpool there ever was! Tens flying about all over the place! Celebrities dropping in from the ceiling! Prop dancers everywhere! Joe's Nan out-Nanning all the other Nans! [Not Alesha's, I will not stand for it. - Steve] And even a few legitimately great dances in the mix! Sadly, Kate's rib couldn't hold out any longer and she was sent home following a dance off with Graeme.

Tonight!



Christmas is coming, so don't forget to download and print off your Strictly wrapping paper while you can-available in your choice of couples!



You can even get a sheet comprised solely of photos of Faye which is in no way a subliminal about who tonight's shining star will be! (Spoiler: the star is actually Bruno, for the most unlikely of reasons.)

(Also: apologies for the late recap, my voice software, Dragon, wasn't working so I had to restart my computer, then it took an hour to install updates, so I had to record my update on my phone in 20-minute segments, get Dragon to transcribe them (taking 10-15 min a time) and then edit all the many, many mistakes.  Then Blogger fucked up all the formatting and I had to put all the links and emphases back in from scratch. It was. not. fun. It's taken me three times as long to do this recap as it did the week 2 show and that episode lasted for centuries.) [You absolute trouper. Your work is very much appreciated. - Steve]

We are promised the Lindy Hop-athon with the stars getting all excited about how this is the first time it has ever been done on the show. I mean, technically, yes, but the swingamajig in series 11 was effectively the same thing, so let's not exaggerate the point.

Cue credits! It really feels like Lee Ryan was on this show several eternities ago, doesn't it? Tess and Claudia enter on the arms of Aljaž and Neil. All are in black - Claudia a dress, Tess a jumpsuit. Both fairly solid looks. I guess this is the official Blackpool hangover week, so it's only right that they should be wearing the colours of mourning. We cut to the audience, with lots of people also dressed in black.

Claudia reiterates the point that this is the first ever Lindy Hop-athon (don't know if that's where I'd have put the punctuation myself, but Dragon has dictated it thus and I bow to its algorithm in such matters) [yeah, I think this is Strictly's official way of punctuating it too, but it looks wrong, doesn't it? - Steve] and I suspect it's not the last time we'll be hearing that phrase all evening, but I've already made my thoughts on that clear, so let's move on.

The judges arrive: Bruno, Darcey, Craig and Shirley. Shirley is in an amazing gown - all black with black-and-white striped ruffles on it. It's quite insane. Darcy is in red, Craig in maroon and Bruno in bright blue - did someone forget to send them the message about the Blackpool memorial?

Our Strictly stars enter: Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Stacey and Kevin; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Graeme and Oti; Ashley and Pasha. As always, we'll get to what they're wearing later, but Charles, Kevin and Stacey are all in black and Giovanni is mostly in black, as is Dianne, if we are keeping score on who is in mourning for Blackpool. When it comes to the theme tune dancing, Kevin is the only one putting in the little kick at the end, and most of the others can't even be bothered with bopping along. I guess we are in comedown week, after all.

Tess tells us that all the couples will be hoping to impress, not once, but twice. Does this mean Steve has two-dance week next week? Given some of the absolute shite I've had to recap this series, can I dream? [Fraid not, I've got the shortest episode of the whole series. I swear I did not schedule things that way on purpose. - Steve]

On closer inspection, I think Tess's jumpsuit might be very, very dark navy.

Graeme and Oti now. Graeme talks about how last week, he loved being in Blackpool and actually enjoyed being in the dance off because it gave him the chance to demonstrate his new found love of musical theatre. The VT focuses on Graeme being tired after Blackpool and also he thinks he might win the whole show. I love his confidence even after he is one of this series' bottom two goddesses. They then go and dance on a rainy yacht deck to practice their routine where he is going to be a sailor. Given how slippy the decking looks, I'm surprised health and safety didn't nix this one immediately - unless their plan is to eliminate the bottom half of the pack through injury this year.

They are dancing the quickstep to 'Sing, Sing, Sing' a song that is not just a little bit overdone on this show. Oti looks classic Hollywood in a white dress with blue trim and Graeme like a bad Frank Sinatra stunt double in a baggy sailor suit. The dance itself is quite stumbly - after an OK start, it becomes clear that Graeme hasn't really got the precision in his footwork that's needed. And in a couple of places he outright makes very obvious mistakes, including one where he trips over his own feet, as well as getting out of sync with Oti. His performance is still fairly strong because he is quite adept at the 'if in doubt, gurn your way through' technique, but overall, this does end up looking like it might be sending him up the Swannee (h/t Steve) and ends with some pyrotechnics they found in the leftover Blackpool FX box. Also, his tan is making Artem's Rasputin job look like Tippex.

Graeme says he was having the time of his life until he nearly fell over. Tess says 'don't tell the judges'. Oh, Tess, there was no hiding that.

We welcome the singers: Hayley, Jamie, Belle (I assume she is new? Unless she's somebody like Jill who came back after years away? I'm not that up on the singers' names from earlier series before they used to introduce them properly), Tommy. Dave Arch's orchestra are feeling very wavey tonight as well. *waves back*.

Shirley says his opening was great, and although he had a couple of hiccups, he recovered from them at the end. She says it's hard dancing with two bodies together. Isn't that… kind of the point of the show? Bruno says he took us on a cruise to remember and Bruno has probably got a lot of cruising expertise, let's face it. He said he did hit some rocks in places, but his drunken sailor section was perfect. He says the quickstep had a hangover - yep, it's that week alright. Craig says it was like watching the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz - it was messy and loose. Darcey says Oti pushed him with the choreography and it was a shame he was out of sync in places and that's what happens if you don't keep consistency and focus. Unless everybody else really messes up tonight, I have a feeling he might be facing yet another dance off.

Still, as they bounce up to the Clauditorium, Kevin is cheering him on, with a 'Swanny, Swanny, Swanny'. Claudia says he said he was planning to get serious this week and asked how long it lasted. He says about 20 minutes.  Scores: six, six, six, six for a total of 24. There are boos for each of those sixes, but with diminishing returns each time.

Terms and conditions time and our special guest is Catherine Tyldesley, in a very sparkly blue dress that is a bit matronly in its fitting. This effect is compounded by the fact that Luba is at the side wearing a dress that looks to be made of similar material, but with very skimpy cut around the thighs and a great big V cut down the bosom.

In the death slot tonight? Ashley and Pasha, so get ready for the usual 'let's bring the ringers down a peg or two' storyline. We revisit last week, when she got the first 40 of the series, which was scripted in as they come, but at least was spectacular enough to justify Craig getting his ten out unlike the usual randomness that does it for him. This week, they are meeting in a tropical garden because they're doing the samba (?!).  Ashley goes 'Fun, it's all siesta hips!'. No, that's only if you're partnered with Aljaž. Ashley says she is excited about the dance because she thinks the costume and the carnival vibe will be really fun and they practice by using some huge feathers, which could be quite exciting.

They are dancing to 'Hot, Hot, Hot'.  Hey, who knew it was three-repeated-word-title theme week?  I am looking forward to classics like 'Da Da Da', 'Gimme Gimme Gimme', 'Bills Bills Bills' 'No No No' and 'Boom Boom Boom' coming up [also 'Money Money Money', 'Blah Blah Blah' and 'Bye Bye Bye' - Steve].  The dance opens with them fanning bright pink glowing feather fans, which also feel like a Blackpool leftover, not least as they are completely out of keeping with the weird colour palette of this dance: the costumes are a 'flesh'-colour, giving the odd effect of them looking naked except for a few sequins and a huge cluster of brown feathers Ashley's sprouted from her bum. The backdrop is of autumn-coloured leaves, which again adds to the slightly muted and un-samba-y feeling. And so, overall, whilst the dance demonstrates plenty of performance and pretty strong technique (other than a surprising lack of bounce), it's lacking the production values to make it really shine.  The bit with the fans at the start was a lot of fun, though.

We return to the judges to find Bruno wafting one of the fans around. He then whacks Shirley in the face with it. Bruno says, Ashley's got him - he needs a complete rewiring because she's blown all his fuses (whilst Shirley picks bits of feathers out of her teeth). Bruno praises her hips and isolations, then reaches out and almost whacks Shirley in the face again   as he gestures. Craig says he thought she went in a little too hard and the body needs to move a lot more, rather than being quite staccato, but that her performance makes up for any problems in technique. In the audience, strictly goddesses, Melvin Odoom and Laura Whitmore look on disapprovingly. Darcey says she had beautiful samba rolls at the beginning, but she would have liked a little bit more bounce and she is on Craig's side and then the audience start to boo her. Tess says she doesn't think Darcey's ever been booed before. She was booed when she gave out Graeme's score two minutes ago. Shirley says the beginning was brilliant and she agrees with Darcy and Craig a little bit (more boos), but she laughs. Ashley's personality and the way she gyrates the body. She says her knees weren't soft enough in samba and Pasha and Ashley nod along.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says it's difficult to come back from a 40 and she says that she knew Ashley didn't like one of the moves.  Ashley said she found the bachacadas difficult and she says her hips, knees and ankles are all at some kind of party and she doesn't quite know what party it is.  With that combination of fans and outfits I'm not surprised. Scores: eight, nine, nine, ten, for a total of 36. Claudia says it's a lower score than she's been used to. It's still 36, Claudia, they're already the default remaining series villains, let's not exacerbate things. She asked them about the Lindy Hop and Ashley says, 'that's a whole different kind of bouncy situation'. Heh.  Pasha says they need to work as a partnership, cover all the angles and not let anyone in their space. We would like Pasha in our [redacted].

Claudia demos Charles going from his samba face to his tango face. It does not look like this is going to be a smooth transition.

Faye and Giovanni next. We see them starting to rehearse an American Smooth but Giovanni puts his back out lifting Faye and so they decide to change the dance to the waltz. Faye says she is worried because of having to switch dances partway through, even though it's the waltz and everyone can do a passable attempt at a Lovely Waltz. Faye's parents (Dorothy and Angus) come to visit them in training and she is rehearsing in what looks like the same skirt she was wearing for her Paso training. Her parents tell her to get four tens this Saturday and keep up with the American. Or maybe not that last bit. Nothing like parental expectations, is there? I feel like this explains so much about Faye.

They are dancing to ‘See The Day’ (so maybe the theme is just three word titles) and there is lots of dry ice and mean and moody lighting, including some strings of fairy lights that are swaying so much, it looks like they might fall down and pull a Karen Clifton's Samba ribbons on them.  Faye’s wearing a red dress and the matronly style we saw on ITT has been marginally improved by a low back, and some sparkles on the top half, but the top half also seems to have been made for someone three dress sizes larger as it’s falling off her. Giovanni looks swish in traditional tails, I guess. As for the dancing itself, it's lovely, with a pivot that goes on forever and ever - although Giovanni has a slightly tight grin, suggesting his back might still be playing him up a bit. Good Lord, this series really is going to break everybody in one way or another, isn't it?

Tess says the pressure didn't show and Craig says he did love it, it was graceful and elegant with a gorgeous amount of rise and fall, and he loved the semicircle of pivots they did, which is no mean feat. Shirley says it all came together and she loved the rotation of Faye’s head, and she says Faye always has an extra quality in her dances. Shirley says she can tell that they put long hours in training and Faye looks like she's starting to cry. Shirley praises the skill in the footwork and her oversway, as well as the spectacular pivoting. She calls it exquisite and Faye’s full-on blubbing at this stage. Bruno calls it effortlessly classy and says her posture was almost regal, then goes to take Shirley in the hold and falls off his chair onto her lap. ‘Effortlessly classy’ indeed. He calls it ‘a upper class waltz’. Has he been taking grammar lessons from Darcey?

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says that even though people think the waltz looks simple, Faye found it hard this week and Faye says there's always something different to think about on every count. Giovanni is absolutely sweating buckets, by the way. Perhaps his collar is too tight. Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10, for a total of 39. I did think for a moment that Craig might be getting his 10 out given he didn't give any critiques, but perhaps a Blackpool hangover waltz is not a spectacular enough reason for him to go there. Claudia says hello to Faye’s dad Angus and says he might want four tens but three isn't bad.  Anyone get the feeling that was her speaking as Faye’s therapist there?

Joe and Dianne now, with couple's choice. Every pair that has done couple's choice is still in this series. It must be some sort of good omen? [Or some sort of MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, choose your own adventure. - Steve] It also makes couples choice the third genre after cha-cha-cha and jive that all of the couples this series have danced-obviously it's not quite the same in terms of comparison with them having three different styles. They have chosen street/commercial, making it the winner of most popular Couple’s Choice genre this series (honestly, I thought either of the other genres would be more popular with this particular set of celebrities).

Also, while we’re on the subject of everyone having done certain dances, I’ve been feeling lately that the balance this series is really off, with some dances barely being seen, and others overdone, and it’s really been bugging me. So let’s look at some Jeremy-Vine-baiting actual factual stats. Jive and Cha Cha Cha have had the most outings (13 and 12 respectively, although they’re both done now, at least until the final). Bringing up the rear? Argentine Tango with 2, both crap, so they barely count; Rumba with 3 (and not a blokerumba in sight, although I appreciate that Seann would have done one in different circumstances); and American Smooth and Charleston with 6 apiece (although Charleston would have been 5 had Seann rumbaed, and AS 7 had Faye done it this week). Also: Faye is the only remaining contestant never to have had samba or salsa, which feels a bit unfair on everyone else, although perhaps fairer on the audience who won’t have to feel the inevitable cringe of a Faye salsamba.

Anyway, back to Joe and Dianne – their dance will be set in a basketball court. Our joke leading up to this is Tess’n’Claud talking about American sports. Claudia says ‘I got to 2nd base once’. Tess: ‘what, in baseball?’ Claudia: ‘No. Blackpool. Dave Arch’. This running gag doesn’t feel at all uncomfortable given the climate of this series, does it?

In their VT, Joe says he thinks street dance is like YouTube - very subjective, which is a polite way of saying divides the old, from the young, I guess. For the first time, we see clips of his flagging career (how rude, Dragon! It’s vlogging) and we get Zoella giving an interview to CAMRA (camera but I love how Dragon thinks the other pronunciation is more likely.  Stop stereotyping me because of my northern accent, Dragon). She’s being captioned as Zoe Sugg and ‘Joe's sister and vlogger’. I wonder how it feels for her to suddenly be the least famous sibling? We see clips of various Joe videos, none of which make me want to watch his channel, sorry Joe, and him randomly meeting Prince Charles at some unspecified event. We also see Joe saying how he didn't want to give up his thatching job for a while because he wanted to fully learn the trade. In case you were worrying that this show was falling down on its responsibility to show the contestants working hard at all times. We then see two examples of internet hate for him and loads of comments praising both him and Dianne. I'm not feeling sorry for him for getting a couple of negative comments when Alexandra had to sit through what she sat through last year, so let's move on from this swiftly before the whole thing makes me mad. By the way, Alexandra and her awkward boyfriend are in the audience tonight, hooray.

The training footage for this dance looks terrible, so I'm not entirely excited about it.  And Joe with his hair in a scraped up man-bun and white headband is the least ‘street’ thing I have ever seen. It begins with Joe doodling Craig's name and a heart on it on a whiteboard – or at least some vague interpretation of a heart that has several jagged bits where a single curve would be in a normal person’s drawing. They are dancing to ‘Jump Around’ - or at least some approximation of it that is allowed pre-watershed with a massive mishmash of lyrics from all over the track being flung together and making little sense. There's also a good reason why this song is not a Strictly classic, and that's fairly evident in this routine. It's not that you can't dance to it, it's just that it's so specific in its rhythms that it only really lends itself to bouncing - and bouncing is, indeed, pretty much all this routine consists of. There's bouncing basketballs between the legs, bouncing them under the hand, bouncing around on big balls. It's all a load of balls, is what I'm saying. Occasionally, this ball work is quite impressive - but being able to balance a basketball on your finger is not quite the same as dancing.

There's a bit when they sit on the bench and copy Charles and Karen’s hanky work (with flannels), albeit much less successfully and lacking the wow factor of seeing something for the first time. I appreciate that in most genres of dance, the same moves are repeated by everyone performing them, however, if Street/commercial is meant to be such a diverse genre that encompasses all sorts of hip-hop and pop movements, why is this one, slightly obscure, technique so dominant? Given that you could go so many different places with this genre, why repeat past glories, especially within the same series? Overall, this routine suffers from many of the same problems that have beset several dances this series - it’s just a muddled mess and it's not really clear what it's trying to be. Elements of it are quite enjoyable, but large parts of it are out of sync and just ugly looking.  He is also doing an open mouth guppy face all the way through, and I thought he’d grown out of that one.  A lot of his dances have been quite impressive, but this one? Does not do it for me at all. Heck, I'd rather rewatch his samba and Lawd knows I hated that. To be fair, there's one bit that I really like where he is sitting down and Dianne cartwheels through his legs, but I'm not sure how much Joe had to do with that. Then Dianne gets tangled in streamers, as if they haven't copied Charles and Karen enough already.  And you know the worst thing?  It looks exactly like the kind of thing they do on Dancing With the Stars. [Oh god, I couldn't quite put my finger on *why* I hated this so much, but you've just absolutely nailed it, that's EXACTLY what's wrong with it. - Steve]

So, our first series of couple’s choice is over. And what do we make of it? Generally, I’m surprised at how much I enjoyed some of these routines as I was completely dreading it when it was announced.  Whilst there have been some misses, such as this one, and Lauren’s contemporary, I'd say there were more hits overall. I don't know how comparable each of the three genres is to each other and whether or not it might be better for them just to settle on one of those genres rather than keeping the category as a whole-and I definitely think there's a danger of them trying to throw in even more genres in the future to completely confuse the whole thing.  I'm still not sure, however, that this is going to be much different from show dance and I wonder if it might be interesting to jettison show dance in favour of couple’s choice in future finals? Either that, or they could do one of (or even both – everyone hates judges’ choice, after all) their missing genres in the final in lieu of show dance.  And I don’t even hate show dance that much, I just don’t need to see it twice.

Tess smiles that the orchestra have never played anything like that before. You're not kidding. They sounded about as hip-hop as Joe’s nan doing it on the karaoke.

Darcey says she is excited to have some old skool hip-hop on the Strictly dance floor. There really are layers with Darcey, aren’t there?  She says the tricks were really impressive and his agility is great and he pulled off the physical work effortlessly. He could have used weight on his thighs a little bit more. Sounds kinky. Shirley says she absolutely loved it and says ‘whoever choreographed it, congratulations’. We've given up naming the guest choreographers, now, have we? [It was Christopher Scott, and tbh I'm wondering if he asked to have his name taken off it. - Steve] Shirley then goes on about ‘all the balls’ in the manner of Nicole Scherzinger. Leave her gimmick alone, Shirley, you've already got chicken. In the audience, Laura Whitmore and Melvin look pissed off that this kind of nonsense is what passes for favourite to win these days. Bruno tells Joe to give him five so we're moving on from him being an infant to him being a toddler. Maybe next week he’ll progress to playing peek-a-boo. Bruno says it was really demanding and that Joe is a true born performer, which goes beyond dancing. Yes, lots of that routine certainly was beyond dancing Bruno, I agree. Craig says it looked a bit too concentrated and he could see the cogs going round in Joe's head as he was thinking about what he needed to do. He said they went out of sync and lots of occasions and it needed a lot more earth and a lot more homeboy attitude. Somehow, I think homeboy attitude and Joe Sugg should never be in the same sentence. Unless we are interpreting the term homeboy loosely enough to mean boy from a lovely country middle-class home.

In the auditorium, everyone is jumping and fist pumping and shouting the jump, jump, refrain from the track. Or possibly ‘Joe Joe’, they weren’t enunciating clearly enough for me to tell. Scores: 7, 8, 10, 10 for a total of 35. I'm with Craig on that one. And how the hell that could ten when Charles and Karen's only got nine, oh the joys of late series’ score inflation for the favourites to justify them making the final.

In the background, Janette makes an okay sign and Graziano copies her. First he was the new Gleb, now the new Janette. Get your own personality, Graziano. Please. Especially if you come back next year and we have to force ourselves to get interested in you.

Charles and Karen now. Tess asks Bruno if Charles is peaking at just the right time.Yes, in the scripted order of things I would say he probably is at exactly the right point now where he’s just passed his peak and can be disposed of when he makes yet another dance-off appearance against Faye or Ashley.

The VT features Karen saying that she got her first tens ever and it was great, ‘after all that we've been through’ and I feel that she wasn't so much referring to Chucky's many dance offs here, as the years of Dave Myers, Nicky and his no-no, Will’s mystery exit, Jeremy Frigging Vine etc. The rest of their VT training is a complete downer. Charles is struggling with the tango right up to the point where it goes badly in every rehearsal, including the dress rehearsal and he grimaces that he hopes it goes well on the night. This hangover is hitting hard.

They are dancing to ‘Eleanor Rigby’ and Karen is sporting the blackest eye make-up in the world, and is dressed in a green frock with lines that perfectly accentuate her butt, in the strongest female pro distraction since Oti in Graeme's salsa. I suppose it’s equal opportunities given all the many series where the male pro derrières have been pulling focus that we now have the female pros being costumed in the same way. Charles is in black velvet which kind of hides his physique as well, and if these costume choices were deliberate, it's working because all I can think about is ‘dear God, Karen’s booty looks mahoosive, where did that come from?’ It’s front and centre. Nearly all the time. Which goes some way, but not enough, to mask the problems here.  Charles’ faces are terrible and his physique never really demonstrates much in the way of power. There is even a spin where he almost looks like he's giving up, and it’s a bit plodding and out of time with an air of ‘ugh, I don’t wanna dance this’ about the whole thing. Still, there's a spectacular twizzle at the end before he falls on the ground, so that's something. He gets up and apologises to Karen immediately and she says ‘it’s OK’. 

Shirley says there were elements that were strong and he had some lovely postural positions, it just wasn't continuous all the way through. She says he started off well with some promenade links, but he needed to concentrate more on the music and he still needs to learn timing. Is this the first case of a black performer who doesn't have NATURAL RHYTHM? Bruno says tango is a soap opera and grabs Shirley and pushes her over to Darcey to demonstrate. Shirley is going to need to be dressed as the Michelin Man next week or I think she’ll end up on the long list of S16 casualties. Bruno says what Shirley said is right, the tango isn’t all staccato, sometimes you have to glide through different movements and demonstrate more light and shade. Craig said it lacked some drive across the floor and his leading was okay, but his feet were turned in and his thumb started brilliantly but he gave up the technique partway through. However, he thinks Charles is really exciting to watch. Darcey says she loves a serious dramatic side to him and that there were a lot of difficult technical things in there but there were some timing problems, although she liked it a lot overall.

Karen looks completely defeated, bless. I have a weird soft spot for her, mainly because she’s had such a rum draw of partners compared to some people, naming no names, AJ, Giovanni, Kevin. In the Clauditorium, Charles says this is the trickiest dance he’s had to do so far in the competition and Claudia says the judges are being quite pernickety and Charles says ‘they’re being very "fernickety"’, whatever that means. Scores: six, eight, eight, eight for a total of 30.

The penultimate couple, then, are Lauren and AJ. In their VT, Lauren says being bottom of the leaderboard meant that she felt she let AJ down. I always feel a bit sad when the celebrities say that, it's not like it's entirely their fault usually. Their VT features them in a pool hall, because that's where the dance will be set, and she beats him at pool although it didn't look like they were playing by the correct rules. They are dancing the salsa, but there's no mention of Lauren allegedly being a salsa teacher. If it's true that she is/was, I'm kind of surprised they gave them this dance rather than skipping it due to it, potentially, looking like she has an unfair advantage. Or, conversely, if she fucks it up, won’t that discourage people from going to her classes?

They are dancing to ‘Familiar’ and I love how she gets recent pop hits whilst Joe gets 90s classics that none of his audience will know. She is in sparkly silver top with a purple and multi-coloured layer skirt that isn't too bad compared to some of the outfits tonight. They spend a lot of time dancing on a pool table before hitting the floor and they probably should have stayed up there, because as they get down, you can see real issues in the routine. Lauren looks fairly awkward and the fact that she is taller than him possibly isn't helping matters. Overall, it's quite clumpy and ugly looking and her hips aren't doing a lot of work. Although her bum does have a good wiggle in it. It then ends with a very awkward talking-her-through-his-legs move. Oof.

Darcey pauses for ages before giving her opinion and then says the choreography was intricate and complex, and that their first lift was nice, but when they started turning it got messy. Needs to soften her knees to have a better chance but it wasn't bad. Shirley says it wasn't her best number and her feet seemed to be sliding around all the time. Lauren's face is quite the picture of aggression right now. Bruno says you can't be too shy with the salsa when you have to really push your hips and you can't be hesitant, but need to sell it with every part of your body, not just hit your steps. Craig says it was rather lacklustre and the foot placement was haphazard with pigeon toes at times.

In case you haven't got the message: Lauren, Graeme and Charles are all dispensable at this stage, please vote accordingly.

In the auditorium, Lauren says she still enjoyed it. Scores: five, six, six, six for a total of 23. Lauren begins with a face that makes Pissy Gorka look magnanimous and ends looking as though she's about to burst into tears. In the background, Luba looks so awkward about not knowing what kind of face to pull. Give the girl a celebrity. She'll soon learn where she falls in terms of reaction personality.

That means closing the show out are Stacey and Kevin. Kevin must be really feeling the ignominy of being relegated from his frequent Blackpool Paso prime position to having to do it in hangover week. Although I'd be punishing him for that thing he did last year as well, if I were the producers. In the VT, we see Stacey's hair looking a ratty mess-as we learned on ITT, she hasn't washed it since last week, which is a bit grim, Dooley. Also, Kevin told Stacey the other day that he was really ‘laddy’ and Stacey laughs uproariously at this idea as well she might.

They are dancing to ‘Malaguena’. Her eye make-up is almost as dark as Karen's, and her lips are washed out, when they could do with a vampy shade to make her look less like a ghost. Kevin’s also feeling the wrath of whichever of Lisa’s minions is on a war with men in eyeliner this series. And he’s been tanned by whoever does Graeme’s. Stacey’s hair has been pulled back into a slick pony with a really weird stretch of long black fabric along it that makes it literally look like a horse's tail. As for the dance itself, there aren't very many gimmicks here and the lighting is just black and red, which actually makes it kind of hard to see their black outfits in places. It's not bad - were this any other pro dancer, it would be a perfectly adequate Paso, but (other than last year) I have come to expect a lot more from Kevin than we’re getting here. It could do with a few more gimmicks in the theming rather than the odd weird gimmick in the dancing where they are over-exaggerating some of the movements in quite a comedic way, even though it's a very serious theme. As for Stacey, she hasn't quite got the hang of Paso face, grimacing or making comedic exaggerated looks rather than looking sultry and moody and it's all a bit gawky. It's not terrible, and she clearly has loads of energy and ability, it's just not my favourite.

The audience love it though, and Shirley and Bruno are both on their feet. Craig says it was economical, styled out and Kevin made Stacey look absolutely amazing. I don't know if that's just shading Kevin's dancing, or what. Darcy said she liked that Stacey was eating up the dance floor - if that means the same thing as chewing the scenery, yes. Shirley can really see that Kevin has challenged her. Bruno says what he found unbelievably impressive is how she captured the purity of style and feel of the dance and it was fantastically choreographed.

In the Clauditorium, everyone's in the Lindy Hop gear and Giovanni is wearing a flat cap. How very Yorkshire.  Kevin says that after they got a 4 in their cha cha cha, Stacey's been demanding to do more hours in training and he really didn't think the seven in Blackpool was fair so they increased the hours again. Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39. Look, I like Stacey and Joe, and I get that they’re the designated journey contestants and likely winners. I’ve even voted for Stacey a few times.  But in the words of the most important poem of our generation, what the effing crap?  It does feel very much like, for the front runners, they're scoring them according to where the script says they should be at this stage rather than the actual dancing, doesn't it?

Leaderboard time!

1=. Faye and Giovanni - 39
1=. Stacey and Kevin - 39
3. Ashley and Pasha - 36
4. Joe and Diane - 35
5. Charles and Karen - 30
6. Graeme and Oti - 24
7. Lauren and AJ - 23

Claudia introduces her next link with ‘Now. There's been a lot of debate this week about Brexit and our future within the European Union…’ And Faye’s face of ‘Oh my God we aren’t really going to talk about this, are we?’ is a pure delight. Faye. Look at what show you are on. Wow, imagine if she was forced to say whether or not she was leave or remain, and thus make herself an enemy of around 50% of the people? I legitimately think she would break into a thousand pieces. Which would be less competition for Ashley in the battle for which ringer will end up in an indeterminate second or third place.

‘No’, says Claudia, ‘the more pressing question is, what is a Lindy Hop-athon?’ Graziano, Amy, Johannes and Katya demonstrate the dancing whilst Shirley says Lindy Hop is a fusion of different styles, mainly jazz, tap and Charleston. It's unpredictable and hugely entertaining. (And technically Stacey and Faye should be at a slight disadvantage as neither have Charlestoned yet). The starting positions will be drawn out of a hat, and instead of some previous years, everyone's going to dance throughout the whole thing. Lifts and tricks are allowed, any couples that cause a collision will be penalised. I really hope this happens, not only for entertainment value, but because I want to see the judges trying to figure out how penalising would actually work.  Especially if Faye, Joe or Ashley cause the collisions. They want to see everyone demonstrating correct technique and shall be particularly looking for precise footwork, sharp edges and clean connections, even though they’ll only really be able to see the two couples closest to them as they’re all having to dance in a small zone of the dance floor each rather than moving around the whole thing. The couples will receive scores from between seven and one and this will have minimal impact on the leaderboard. Indeed, the couples will probably be ranked exactly as you’d expect and everyone on the internet will grumble about the rigging. Hooray for annual tradition! (Also, next year, I want a rumbathon, can we make this happen? Just for the hilarity of how crap it’ll be?) [I will support you on this in any way I can. - Steve]

Craig advises not to crash into each other-floor craft is important, especially as this is a wild dance, but they need to watch out that their legs don't hit people's heads while throwing each other around. This is to be bold, brave, sparkle and shine, and Bruno does a load of jazz hands. Craig says ‘Channel Bruno’, which seems in direct contradiction of his order not to whack the other contestants about.

They’re dancing to ‘Do Your Thing’, and each couple has its own colour coding trims with a white base outfit. Basically they look like the Lindy Hop versions of Bake off Crème de la Crème/The Professionals/whatever its next title will be. Ashley and Pasha are in green; Lauren and AJ in purple; Fay and Giovanni in yellow; Graeme and Oti in red; Charles and Karen in pink; Dianne and Joe in blue and Kevin and Stacey in… grey? Someone was stone cold last when they picked colours out of the button bag, weren't they? (Yeah, I'm still marathoning Project Runway, I'm at s11 e2 and I can already tell it's going to be downhill from here onwards...)

It's interesting to see who is and isn't trying from what little glimpses we get of each pair. Ashley is going full throttle from the start; Graeme and Joe are basically relying on Oti and Dianne to pull all the focus; Fay and Giovanni are trying really hard in her top of the class kind of way, but, as with her jive, she doesn't quite excel in the way she does in ballroom; Kevin and Stacey basically give up and he spends most of the dance carrying her around on his back and running around like kids in the playground; Lauren and AJ are a lumpy mess and can’t be arsed; Charles is trying to put a bit of hip-hop into it, but it doesn't really matter what he does because the camera barely picks up on him at all. Basically, this is unlikely to trouble the status quo much, and the only real concerns are whether Lauren or Graeme will be bottom and where Joe, Stacey and Charles will fall in the middle.

Bruno says it was exciting because it was the first time we've seen them all dancing at the same time. No. I point to the launch show, Blackpool and several other group routines. He said they all had style and energy. Nobody crashed into one another and they carried on beautifully imbuing the dance with their own personalities. Darcey looks a little worried and tries to talk to Shirley as we cut to Tess and Claudia. We go back to the judges and Shirley says ‘they gave an amazing performance’ whilst her eyes are clearly distracted by something else.

Now, you would think this would be comparatively easy for the judges to rank - indeed, that they might have already had a ranking in mind before the dancing started, where we being cynical about these things. However…

Shirley says ‘me and my fellow adjudicators’… as Darcey holds up a tablet that seems to be broken, leading Bruno to stand up and lean over, trying to figure out what's going on and Craig to ruffle around for a piece of paper to shove at Darcey and Shirley. Apparently the board, i.e., the tablet, is broken and so Shirley says ‘in seven points, we have Ashley and Pasha’ and they cheer and Tess says ‘well done’ and then there's some incoherent mumbling from everyone, and no-one takes control, not Tess, not Claudia, not whoever is working the earpieces and autocues and cameras. And then somebody says ‘seven… Lauren’ and Ashley and Pasha, who are on camera for winning, try not to completely corpse at the madness. Bruno apologises and says the board went down.

Claudia finally asks who was in seventh place, but seeing as we know who won, maybe they should stick with doing the scores the other way round for some pretend jeopardy?  Anyway, there is some more fumbling around before we learn that seventh place is Lauren and AJ, who just looked relieved that they might actually get off the stage eventually. Sixth: Graeme and Oti; fifth Charles and ‘Dianne’. As if she wasn’t Single White Female-ing Karen enough with that routine earlier. (I think Shirley might have been thinking of ‘Charles and Diana’ to be fair. She seems the type.) Fourth place are Stacey and Kevin-I love how they can get fourth place after pissing about the whole time - with Joe and Dianne in third place, Faye and Giovanni in second place and Ashley and Pasha in first place even though we already knew this.

Shirley says she's just reading off the board, don't blame her if things are going wrong. The music of confirmation plays and then Claudia interrupts and says ‘no, I'm sorry. We need to check all of that, again, let's recap. In seventh place is Graeme?’  The judges all go ‘no?’ and Bruno, yes, BRUNO, takes over and reads all the judges’ results again in an authoritarian voice. Craig just falls apart, looking embarrassed the whole time. Everybody composed themselves really well there, didn't they? And this is the post-Brucie era. Lauren and AJ laugh at how over them the show seems to be at this point and I quite like the thought that she is going to go full-on into don’t care anymore mode because I think that might make her a lot more fun to watch.

Eventually we go back to the judges and Darcey says that Pasha and Ashley's dance was full of technique, energy and ability with extraordinary lifts, but the judges just keep laughing because there’s not much point in doing anything but cutting to the recap right now. Bruno waves the broken tablet around, but it's not really clear what it shows. And we see a renewed version of the leaderboard:

1. Fay and Giovanni 39+6 = 45
2=. Stacey and Kevin 39=4=43
2=. Ashley and Pasha 36+7= 43
4. Joe and Diane 35+5 = 40
5. Charles and Karen 30+2 = 33
6. Graeme and Oti 24+2=26
7. Lauren and AJ 23+1=24

That means Stacey and Ashley are both tied for second place, which could have implications for one of them (I'm thinking most likely Ashley) to have a leaderboard plunge, even if the show was trying to make clear that Charles, Graeme and Lauren are all dispensable at this point. Are we going to see Charles and Graeme having the dance off to end all dance offs?

Vote opening time and Claudia says ‘judges will you help us after everything you've been through tonight - everything we've all been through. If you’re at home, have a drink, my goodness’. I mean, it's not quite Olly Murs sending home the wrong person on the X Factor or the Oscar going to LaLa-Moonlight, but it's still pretty funny as slip-ups go. The judges hold up panels reading O P E and N and manage to get them in the correct order, whilst everybody just falls about laughing and waiting for the cameras to hurry up and turn off. Eventually they collapse in gratitude as the recap rolls.

That done, Tess and Claudia try to do the usual sign off, but keep breaking out laughing in between lines and we cut to the couples and Oti is completely pissing herself at the whole thing. Who knew that would be the thing that broke her?

Tomorrow! Someone’s going home! And Rod Stewart is here for his annual album plug! The guest performer list is basically the same every year these days isn’t it? Please tell me we’re at least going to be spared BoeBalls? Anyway, assuming they can pull themselves together enough to film a results show, join me tomorrow to see how it all pans out!

Saturday 24 November 2018

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Lauren can walk on water! Well, sit on water. Well, accidentally sit on one of those billowing bits of blue fabric representing water.
- Shirley still loves her chicken.
- Shirley's parents were in on Saturday.
- Gloria Estefan is on tour next year, buy tickets now etc.
- The showcase salsa dancers from Saturday were called Karen and Ricardo.
- Janette loves Gloria Estefan and got a hug off her for her birthday.
- Kate describes her exit as "leaving the party while you're having fun".
- Kate thinks she did her American smooth better the second time.
- Kate's ribs were recovering but she did pop it again on Thursday.
- Kate always wanted to do lifts so was glad she got a chance to before she left.
- Kate adhered to proper safety guidelines when she did her dip in the sea.
- Everybody wants a fresh-faced beachy look.
- Except Lisa and Lisa's model judging by her expression.
- After the show, Lisa and Lisa have to chase people down the corridors with hairpieces and crystals. Sounds like fun.
- Lots of people want hair like Zoe's.
- Charles mum rang him while he was live on ITT, so she's clearly not a regular viewer.
- Karen doesn't know why it took her seven years to get 10s. I think "the only halfway decent partner she had who stuck around was Mark fucking Wright" might explain it.
- Karen has learned that shirtless Charles is her secret weapon, so she's "just going to deliver the donuts" from now on.
- Karen now wants Charles to "release his tools".  That's one way to get a 40.
- Charles is filled with fear at the thought of the Lindy Hop-a-thon.
- Graeme thinks the bouncy floor is the Tower Blackroom breathing.
- Graeme was shocked that there were separate male and female dressing rooms at Blackpool... meaning there aren't for the regular show?
- Graeme expected to be in the dance-off, was a bit disappointed he was but also liked doing the dance again.
- Graeme had a little nap in the Tower Ballroom on Friday for 27 minutes.
- Graeme is a frustrated actor and would've loved to have been on stage and screen. I keep telling you: Billy Flynn by Easter.
- Lots of sportsmen have been eliminated in week nine.
- Gloria Estefan is the nicest person in the world, according to Graeme.
- Her grandchildren are also musical, lovers of dynasties take note.
- Robin Windsor is about to retire, but he's not Cher.
- The trick to a 'flick lift' is to tighten your bum cheeks and let the boys do the rest. #banthissickfilth
- Robin thinks dancing with prop dancers is good training for the 'lindy-a-thon' lindyhopathon.
- The secret to the Argentine tango is to look into each other, not at each other.
- Charles' samba (feat. Karen) was Robin's favourite, look surprised.
- Apparently Liam Payne was the official sound of summer 2018. No wonder I didn't enjoy it.
- Lauren and Ashley will both be dancing the salsa, which is either bad planning (especially when we haven't had a rumba for weeks) or a way of showing Lauren up by comparison.
- The rumba is Jason Gilkison's favourite Latin American dance.
- In rumba you should walk like a panther.  (And if anyone dances the rumba to the Tony Christie tune of the same name, I'll laugh all year, bring it on Anton 2019.)
- I could watch Johannes and Luba dancing the rumba all day. PARTNERS FOR JOHANNES AND LUBA 2019.
- Pasha looks really good in light pink.
- When faced with a delicious selection of cakes, Pasha will opt for the bunch of grapes at the back of the table.
- Ian and Zoe had a proper time of it in Blackpool.
- You can't flex your foot on a ronde.
- Joe and Dianne are doing 'street commercial' this week, making it officially the most popular couple's choice, er, choice this year.
- Flamenco fingers are the key to resistance in a paso.
- The Lindy Hop-A-Thon will be danced to 'Do Your Thing' by Basement Jaxx.
- No-one is sure how long the lindy-hop-a-thon will be.
- Kevin's apparently been here long enough now to get a retrospective.  It featured lots of high-concept routines and some lovely-lovely ballroom, plus him being 'runner-up' four times in a row as if there was 'a' runner-up in any of those years.
- This year's pro challenge is for the most jive toe-heel swivel steps in 30 seconds.
- It looks like the kind of thing I would absolutely crock my ankle trying to do and if someone doesn't fall over I'll be a little disappointed.
- Zoe's Italian needs some work.
- Giovanni's technique is lumpy.
- Giovanni had four disqualifications leaving him with a total of 36.
- Nadiya's Guess Who? picture really looks like Elsa from frozen.
- Amy has really tiny nostrils.
- Katya once ate spaghetti through her nose.
- Karen doesn't think Dianne can turn a computer on.
- Pasha building his own computer was used on the Guess Who? pro game, but I feel like we already knew that one?
- Dianne and Janette have started pronouncing Pasha as Par-sha, like Ashley, although it's hard to tell if they're being serious or not.
- Zoe has decided 'paso dominatrix' is the answer to 'Who is Faye Tozer?'
- If you smile in paso, it's all over.
- Faye was well up for being flipped 360 degrees in her paso because she really likes rollercoasters.
- Giovanni and Faye were meant to do an American smooth Viennese waltz this week but had to switch to regular waltz because Giovanni injured his back on Monday trying one of the lifts.
- Ashley can't have a carnival samba outfit because we had too much of that last week.
- Vicky Gill doesn't really like sparkle, but the producers make her put it on.
- Handmaid's Tale chic is apparently Vicky's kind of outfit.
- Stacey is struggling with the paso because she's not arrogant enough, it says here.
- Lauren has taken AJ's suggestion that she needs to be more expressive in her samba to mean that she should imitate Bruno.
- Joe and Dianne have apparently turned up the show in nightwear this week.
- Joe is yet another member of the male cast this year with an apparent aversion to socks.
- Joe liked it when Nana Phyllis tried to read out Tess's Autocue.
- Joe blames Claudia for making him cry on the show last Saturday.
- Joe's routine to 'Jump Around' contains a lot of jumping around.
- Dianne has never played basketball in her life.
- Joe has a history of maypole dancing and Morris dancing, the dirty ringah.
- Neil might have given up on the pro challenge a little bit?
- Neil scored 26 with zero disqualifications in the pro challenge, so he thinks "dance is the real winner".
- This week's group dance is choreographed by ARLENE PHILLIPS.
- It will involve Candoco dance company mixing in with the pros.
- It won't be contemporary, Latin or ballroom, but a strange hybrid.  Like every other pro dance these days.
- Musicals week will also feature 'something set on a Greek island' as if there was little enough distinction between it and Movies week already.
- This Saturday, AJ is going to try to put his ball into Lauren's hole.
- AJ calls the Lindy-hop-a-thon the 'hopathon'.
- This week's Friday panel is Lorraine Stanley (Karen off EastEnders), Dan Walker and Robbie Savage.
- Dan doesn't want to do Strictly even though he's a big fan, but Lorraine would love to and would like Giovanni as a partner.
- Robbie Savage has started growing chest hair again.
- You can't say "slut drop" on the BBC.
- Gethin thinks the meaning of penblwydd hapus needs mansplaining.  In a segment of birthday wishes for Zoe.
- They're still trying to make Nell de Jaunse happen.
- "TURKEY!" doesn't work in quite the same way as "CHICKUN!" does.
- Craig's favourite dance to watch is the Argentine tango.
- Except Lauren's, which deserved its 5 for being 'absolutely average.'
- Craig would like 'I Will Survive' to be used on the show, even though he's forgotten it already has been.
- Craig thinks the pros have a lot of control over the lighting, mmm-hmm.
- Craig would describe himself as 'dull, dull, dull' and thinks that's the first phrase he ever uttered on the show (to Natasha and Brendan).
- Craig thinks Aston wuzrobbed and is looking forward to a redemption Christmas storyline.
- A lot of people have told Stacey to close her legs, but she just won't listen.
- Kevin isn't happy that Stacey got a 7 when there were so many 10s flying about.
- Stacey's mum was drinking tequila with one of the VT boys at the after-party until 4am.
- Stacey is a total Gloria Estefan fangirl.
- Stacey told Gloria Estefan that she loves that song 'The River Is Going To Get You'.
- Stacey hasn't washed her hair since Blackpool because she loved her waves so much.
- 'Jump Around' costs too much to license to be played on ITT.
- The guest panel favour Joe or Stacey as winners.
- Robbie thinks Graeme is going home this week, but would like a bottom two of Ashley and Faye (oh, it'll happen eventually); Dan thinks Graeme, Charles or Lauren and Lorraine thinks Graeme.
- Karen isn't used to getting so far in the competition and is tired.
- Graeme thinks everyone except Charles has got boring and stopped smiling now they're in the SRS BSNS stage of the show.
- Jake Shears solo is no Scissor Sisters.

Monday 19 November 2018

Hi-yo, Silverton, away!

Week 9: Top 8 Results (Blackpool Week) - 18 November 2018

Our Blackpool results show opens with a dance by the celebs and the pros, and someone who looks suspiciously like Trent is singing (or lip-synching, but it's good lip-synching if it is) 'We Speak No Americano' as Giovanni walks into an Italian club with his lady-love Luba on his arm. But then! Luba sees Graziano! Whose name I really struggled to remember! Giovanni is not pleased, and warns Graziano to keep away from his woman (and possibly also from the cha cha cha, just for good measure) and the two of them throw down, dance-style, for her affections. As dances involving two men fighting over anything inevitably are, the whole thing is intensely homoerotic, so I suppose it's only right that it ends with Luba standing in between them and inviting them both in for a kiss, only to duck out so they accidentally "kiss" each other, lol. Ah, "accidental gay" as a punchline in the same series that we were gifted with vague same-sex pro-dancing (what happened to that, by the way? It seems conspicuous by its absence these days) - and honestly, if you're going to do it, try not to make it quite so obvious that the two of you stopped far enough apart that you could do a charleston between your lips.

After everyone clears out, Tess and Claudia return - Tess still wearing her Sunday best cooking foil (copper-coloured this time), and Claudia in leopard print. In the audience: Patrick Grant! Claudia reveals that routine was choreographed by Jason Gilkison, because of course it was. Tess points out that there were a lot of 10s given out on Saturday: two for Faye, two for Charles, three for Joe, four for Ashley, and none for Stacey Dooley, bye. The judges return, Tess teases/warns us that Take That are on later, and then it's time for our behind the Blackpool scenes recap of yesterday.

There's some business with Craig going missing as the judges are called in to get costumed up, only for Darcey to find him eyeing up his own waxwork. But then they pass a Darcey waxwork on the way out and she turns to the camera and gives it full "Natalie Cassidy Is Doing This Now" face. Graeme thinks you can smell and fear the history in the Blackpool ballroom, Kate loves the murals, Stacey thinks the atmosphere is electric and that it feels like a massive school trip, Charles makes quite the meal out of pronouncing "Gloria Estefan", Ashley and Faye chat about the bigger sets, extra dancers, and massive props, while Joe points out that his slicked back hair makes him look like a conker. Lauren is very nervous, so AJ gives her a big hug. Joe says that they've got lots of family in, so the pressure is properly on, and Kate says it feels like hallowed ground for ballroom, so she wants to do the best dance she possibly can. Kevin predicts this will be the best Blackpool ever. As far as post-performance reactions go: Stacey thinks the most important thing is that the audience went wild, Graeme says it was the most fun he's ever had in or out of dancing shoes, Kate says that everything was as special as she hoped it would be, AJ tells Lauren that she did herself proud, Faye's parents say that she was amazing tonight, Faye is giddy at getting two nines and two 10s, Nana Phyllis is very proud of Joe, Joe can't believe he was two points off a perfect score, Charles says this has exceeded every expectation he had, Ashley can't quite believe she got all the tens. The judges all celebrate Craig finding his 10 paddle. Maybe his waxwork had it the whole time?

Tess has the Cue Cards Of Doom: Blackpool Edition, and it's time to reveal the first set of couples who are safe. They are: Charles and Karen, Ashley and Pasha, and Lauren and AJ. The first couple doomed to the Dread Dance-Off is...Graeme and Oti. Tess tells Graeme that he was on top of the world on Saturday, and he got his highest scores so far; Graeme points out that the competition is extremely tough at this point, and it's no great hardship to repeat a dance that he loves. Bruno tells him he just has to do the same thing again, as far as he's concerned.

The three safe couples are with Claudia, and Lauren admits that she really thought she was in the dance-off, and she's really loving dancing and doesn't want it to be over, so she's really thankful to everyone at home, at which point AJ crashes in to talk over her as usual and say they really thought they'd be dancing again tonight. Ashley is asked again about getting 40 (spoiler: it was great), and Claudia reminds Pasha that the last time he did a jive in Blackpool it was with Flackers, and he went on to win that year - does he see lightning striking twice? Pasha, who you'll remember barely gave a shit about winning when it actually happened, says it would be nice but right now his dream is to open his own fish 'n' chip shop. Charles is thrilled with his 10s, and Karen is still very emotional as she points out that this is her seventh year and that's the first time she's had any 10s at all. She says she owes it all to Charles, who's working so hard and loving life right now. They have the tango next week, and Charles shows off his serious tango face. It may need some work.

Next, Take That perform their absolutely diabolical new single 'Out Of Our Heads'. (Although I can see it being used for a charleston next year, or possibly even a quickstep.) The whole thing is styled like an alt-right rally, and after about 30 seconds of it I think I would rather listen to an actual alt-right rally. Also, they've brought their own dancers, which remains rude. I hope their dancers are paying their taxes, at least. [Also: what the hell has happened to Mark Owen?  He always had a touch of Mark Hammil about him but now he's gone full-on Jedi hermit era Luke Skywalker, except without the brooding mystique - Rad]

I unplug my fingers from my ears as we get to Dance Debrief, where Darcey wants to talk about Joe's marvellous frame and unmoving shoulders, and Claudia wants to talk about Darcey hitting Craig for only giving Joe an 8. Claudia offers Shirley an early Christmas present of Charles's samba in slow-motion, which she loved because he "brought his own spice to it". Craig confirms that he couldn't fault Ashley's jive and that every single element came together for it. Rather than considering the past, Bruno is asked to look to the future by talking about the Lindy Hop-a-thon next week (figuring out exactly how to hyphenate that is going to haunt me, although I suppose technically it's Rad's problem - sorry Rad!) - he explains that the Lindy Hop is a precursor of the jive, but is much freer and more energetic, and with lots of scope for lifts and throws, and they'll all be dancing together so they'll have to show some floorcraft, and of course the judges will be scoring.

Back to Tess to see who'll be joining Graeme and Oti in the Dread Dance-Off. Joe and Dianne are safe, as are Stacey and Kevin. That leaves Faye and Giovanni, and Kate and Aljaž waiting to see who'll get the red light - but it's Kate and Aljaž who end up in the danger zone this time. Kate and Aljaž make their way over to a sympathetic Tess who apologises for their plight, and Kate stoically says that at least she gets to dance at Blackpool again. Darcey is asked to give Kate some pointers, and she says that Kate gave every minute her all, so she just needs to do that again. Tess asks Kate how she's feeling, and Kate says she's feeling all right because her kids are going to get to see Mummy come down in a balloon again. Hee.

The other three safe couples have just joined Claudia, and Stacey reveals that she was absolutely sure she was in the Dance-Off, to the point that she was looking around wondering if they'd got the giant stick of rock back out ready for them yet. She's got the paso next week, and says she's going to channel her Faye vibes. She's very grateful to the voters at home for keeping her around to learn another dance. Joe says that he still can't get over what the ballroom looks like, "and it smells good too", and after being prodded to share his thoughts on that with the viewers at home by Claudia, he elaborates that it smells "like Shakespeare's house, after he's written a few good plays". That... doesn't sound like it would be all that pleasant a smell to me? Dianne talks about how she always wanted to compete in Blackpool ever since she was a little girl, but being Australian made that quite challenging, so she's thrilled that she's finally here - and got 10s into the bargain. Claudia asks Faye how she feels about the Lindy Hop-a-thon, and Faye says that she's with the king of jive, which is good, but giggles that "it might be a bit like bumper cars!" Faye is so gradually unravelling, isn't she? I find it fascinating.

Once we have been reminded that Strictly is also available on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, BBC Micro and Atari Jaguar, it's time for the Dance-Off. Graeme and Oti go first, and it's a pretty accurate copy of the first time out, apart from one moment quite close to the end where Graeme's umbrella tapping is wildly out of sync with all the professional dancers. Kate and Aljaž follow up with a slightly more relaxed-looking American smooth, and I think with slightly less gapping than it had the first time? One thing that really bothers me, which is nothing to do with the dance itself, is the back of Kate's dress: I don't think I mentioned this in the performance show recap, but it was the same thing there - there's a flesh-coloured band below her shoulderblades, but it's really poorly-fitted and makes it look like she has back rolls. I find it really distracting.

Craig votes to save Graeme and Oti "for technique and performance", Darcey says it's really tough, but on a more energised and detailed performance she wants to save Graeme and Oti. Bruno says that he has to vote for the couple who gave the most accomplished and stronger performance, so he's saving Graeme and Oti. Shirley agrees that she would have saved them too. The entire ballroom gets on their feet for Kate, who says that it's not that she wanted to go out here, but she couldn't have asked for anything better than to dance twice in this fantastic place. She adds that she's forever grateful to Aljaž for what he's taught her - Aljaž calls her "an incredible woman and an incredible mother" and says he's never going to forget this experience. Kate asks if she can say a few thanks to the people behind the scenes who work so hard to put the show together, and finally thanks Aljaž again for being her teacher, and she's had so much fun with him. I can't help feeling that, while Kate clearly loved doing the show, there's a faint hint of relief in here that it's over now. After all, going forward she was likely to have always been near the bottom of the pack, and I can't imagine she was particularly looking forward to the Lindy Hop-a-thon with her dodgy rib (or that it would have been a particularly natural fit for her), so in some small way going out here feels like the right thing for her. She's going out on a high, in Blackpool, on a dance she loved, and not having outstayed her welcome or done herself any permanent damage (hopefully).

Kate and Aljaž have their final dance to 'Bye Bye Baby', and I'm rather touched by the way that Faye runs up and hurls herself at Kate to say goodbye. I kind of wish I'd got to see more of that friendship. Thoughts over the credits: Blackpool has been everything Faye dreamed of and more, Stacey reminds us that there's so much history here (most Bruce chasing McFly off the dancefloor when Harry won, neva4get), Charles is thrilled to leave here still in the competition, Lauren refers to Kate as "the mother hen", Kate says she couldn't have had a better time, or gone out in a better place, Graeme feels like he's found a new side of himself that he didn't know he had, Ashley and Pasha have got samba next week, and Joe has "no idea what Lindy Hop-a-thon is, I thought it was an ice lolly". No, Joe. No you did not. Please, please, for the love of all deities everywhere, retire that joke construction now, you've used it at least three times and it is starting to make me itch.

That's it for this weekend! Join Rad next time for the post-Blackpool hangover, the Lindy Hop-a-thon, and the obligatory annual performance from Rod Stewart...

Sunday 18 November 2018

Gloria in excelsis

Week 9: Top 8 Perform (Blackpool Week) - 17 November 2018

During the credits for Pointless Celebrities, the continuity announcer referred to tonight's episode as "the highlight of the 2018 Strictly calendar". Does she have access to information we don't, then? Is it confirmed to all be downhill from here? Should Rad and I just give up now?

Anyway, apparently Strictly's gone somewhere up north this week as a special treat. I forget where exactly. Carlisle? Lancaster? Hebden Bridge? With any luck someone might mention where they actually are at some point this evening, though I realise it's a slim hope. We begin as usual with a big fancy welcome to Bridlington, with shots of its iconic coastline and illuminations, along with many of the local residents showing off their moves. There's a shot of a Craig Revel Horwood waxwork that's almost indistinguishable from the real thing (take that as you will), and everyone talks excitedly about how cool it is when Strictly comes to Barrow-in-Furness. Even the emergency services are dragged away from their far more important jobs to enthuse for a few seconds. Then we're suddenly inside the famous Hartlepool Tower Ballroom, as Faye says she's so excited to be here, and Lauren adds that it's even better than AJ described it. (Given that AJ struggles to talk like a real human boy at the best of times, I don't find this hugely surprising.) Ashley can feel the space, Joe finds it breathtaking, Charles doesn't think it gets better than this, Kate feels so privileged to be about to dance here, Graeme is humbled, and Stacey just wants to get stuck in because she is ready. Ready for WARRINGTON WEEK!

Titles! Oh, it's Blackpool they're in, apparently. How embarrassing for me.

From there it's into another VT (sigh) starring Anton (SIGH) heading to the beach in his Hawaiian shirt, shorts and flip flops (THIS IS VIOLENCE), and putting a bootleg tape of Gloria Estefan's greatest hits into his Walkman. 15 years' worth of BBC money and he couldn't even afford to buy a legitimate copy? Or get a Spotify account? Anyway, apparently three seconds of 'Conga' is all it takes to send him to sleep (if I were Gloria I'd be calling my lawyer right now), at which point we segue into the Tower Ballroom where all the men are in white jackets and all the women are in peach dresses with feathered headdresses and the band strikes up as Aljaž twirls around giddily with a trumpet in his hand (bless his heart) and then Kevin grabs a mic and introduces THE ACTUAL GLORIA ESTEFAN. Now that's more like it. Gloria bellows "HELLO BLACKPOOL, LET'S GO BACK TO WHERE WE FIRST MET!" and launches into 'Dr Beat'. Okay, I'm pretty sure I lived in Kent when I first heard this, and it's a bit late to be getting the train now, so I might just stay here if that's okay? Since Gloria's got a lot of hits to rattle through, we then go into 'Conga', Anton's narcolepsy be damned, and then into 'Rhythm Is Gonna Get You', which in the context of this show could be construed as a threat. As she gets to '1-2-3', the celebrities are brought out to join in the fun, then we move into an extremely uptempo 'Get On Your Feet' (which will be forever linked to this episode in my mind now) and there's a showdance showcase sort of thing from two people who look familiar but aren't part of the pro line-up, but I'm pretty sure they've guested on the show many a time. The end, ta-da! What, no 'Go Away'? Justice for 'Go Away'! [With Danny gone they probably didn't need it in the setlist any more - Rad]

Tess and Claudia arrive - Tess in a gold toga-style gown and Claudia in red sequins. Neither of these looks is a personal favourite, if I'm honest, so let's just move along. In the audience: Zoe Ball and Ian Waite, sitting together, and I for one look forward to a resurgence of the "are they shagging?" rumours from series three. Don't let me down, tabloids! Also in the audience: Natalie Lowe sitting with Dr Ranj. And now I'm pondering the possibility of Natalie having stayed on the show and being his partner this series, and how that would have made Colin Salmon and Kristina Rihanoff look like Natalie Cassidy and Vincent Simone (who, you'll recall, were exactly the same height and that's why they couldn't do lifts).

Judges? Let's have some judges. They walk out to 'Conga', yet do not do the conga. I for one am furious. And here are the remaining strictly stars: Chucky Venice and Karen Clifton, Faye Tozer and Giovanni Pernice, Stacey Dooley and Kevin Clifton, Lauren Steadman and AJ Pritchard, Joe Sugg and Dianne Buswell, Kate Silverton and Aljaž Skorjanec, Graeme Swann and Oti Mabuse, and finally Ashley Roberts and Pasha Kovalev. High kicks at the final sting this week come from Stacey and Kevin (of course) and Kate and Aljaž, though I am also quite a fan of Chucky and Karen doing the whole 'back-to-back-with-their-arms-folded' thing as a variation on the theme. Also, poor Pasha appears to be doomed to spend the evening in an apron.

Stacey and Kevin have the task of getting the Blackpool party started, and Tess informs us that Stacey will be doing a salsa and entering the ballroom riding on a sweet that's very popular around these parts. A Werther's Original, I assume. In their VT, Kevin reveals that they are dancing to 'Ooh Ahh...Just A Little Bit' by Gina G, and Stacey confirms that it is a jam-packed routine - although this appears to be Blackpool-related tat rather than content, because Kevin's going on about them having donkeys and buckets and spades in the routine. Stacey says that you can't be too laid-back in Blackpool, you have to really give it your all. Kevin suggests they go for a night on the town in Blackpool and Stacey asks if she can bring a couple of friends along, so she turns up with Katya and Amy on her arms ready to colour the town red, which is coincidentally also the colour of Kevin's face when they hit the karaoke to do their own rendition of 'Ooh Ahh...Just A Little Bit'. Let's just say it was more Jemini than Gina G. Also apparently Oti rolled up later than everyone else, which seems very Oti. The party don't start until Oti walks in!

So, yes, Stacey rides in on a giant stick of rock (Freud, field day, etc) and then spends the first third of the routine with her extremely crimped hair all over her face as she whirls around. She's definitely giving it some welly, but the technique looks a bit...inexact, to put it politely. Also, Kevin appears to have cribbed fairly liberally from Gina G's actual Eurovision choreography for the chorus - the main problem with that being is that those moves were fine when you had a microphone in one hand and had to make sure you weren't doing anything too exerting so you could focus on your live vocals, but when they form the central piece of your performance in a dance competition, it does end up looking a bit lacklustre. Johannes is absolutely getting his life throughout the entire thing though, so that makes me happy. There are some positively death-defying lifts in the middle eight, including one where Stacey wraps her ankles around Kevin's neck and gets swung around, which I think should have been ruled out both on grounds of health and safety and also on the grounds that it doesn't actually look that great either? Then it's back safely to the ground for a bit more pointing and stepping, and then up on Kevin's shoulder to finish. I quite liked it, but I can't help feeling that for someone who gets camp as innately as Kevin always seems to, this routine felt like a bit of a misfire, like it was just trying far too hard.

She looks a bit dizzy by the end, but the crowd are going wild for her, and Stacey tells Tess that she was so nervous to be opening the show. Shirley tells Stacey that she really brought it today, especially with those lifts, but she needs to work on getting her feet closed, just as a tiny detail. Bruno says it was wild and wonderful and he loved the way Stacey let her hair down. He thought the ensemble pieces were so good it was like watching Kylie in concert - "I said the same thing!" hoots Tess. [I love Stacey but that's wishful thinking.  Either that or a subtle burn on Kylie which I am very much not here for - Rad] Craig says that Stacey needs to be aware of her legs in the lifts, both in getting them in there and getting them out, because it was a bit haphazard - but he loved the hip action. Darcey says it was fun and exciting from beginning to end, and Stacey's personality just fills the ballroom. She agrees with the others though - she needs to work on her dismounts, and close her feet. Stacey replies that Darcey's right, she doesn't think she did keep her legs together, and Kevin cracks up. Oh, Kevin.

They sprint across to the Claudicornerum, and Stacey says that she felt like it was a luxury to be here and she didn't want to mess it up. Claudia also asks her about injuring one of her backing dancers (presumably in rehearsals), and Stacey says that yes, she heard a whack and a dancer called Ellis assured her that it didn't hurt even though it obviously did. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 33. Bruno doesn't even wait for Alan Dedicoat to say his name before whipping his nine out, someone's obviously a bit keen tonight. Stacey's pleased because it's all out of the way and now she can just watch the show.

Who's on the terms and conditions this week? It's Paddy McGuinness! He seems to think that the challenge is to say the entire thing without stopping for breath, which is interesting. He also does Claudia's link back to Tess for her, because apparently he's always wanted to do that.

Lauren and AJ are next, taking home the dubious honour of being the first couple to get the death slot twice this series. In her VT, Lauren says that last Saturday was like a fairytale for her, and she can't quite believe she got two nines. This week they've got the Argentine tango, which AJ promises will be full of big, spectacular lifts - which haven't always been Lauren's strongest suit so far, surely? AJ (wearing a t-shirt with a hole in it, did he not know he was going to be on the telly) does that weird stilted line-reading thing he does to inform Lauren that because the theme of the routine is dancing on the water, he thought they should go DIVING WITH SHARKS. So they go off to Sea Life Blackpool to dance underwater in a cage, an experience which neither one of them seems to be finding particularly beneficial but hey, at least they got a free jolly out of it.

They're dancing to 'River' by Bishop Briggs (no, me neither), and I think this is very much a backslide for Lauren, unfortunately. The basics of the routine are quite nice, but it's stuttery rather than staccato, and the lifts are pretty terrible - I think she's really struggling to direct her legs so everything looks a bit shapeless. And every time that the movement has to come from her hips rather than from her feet, it all just feels quite loose. It's not a disaster, but it's definitely not up to the standard of last week. [Why are they giving AT to all the medium-level dancers this series instead of the ringers? - Rad]

Bruno tells her that it was like watching "a little girl growing up in front of your eyes, and now look at you!" Lauren Steadman is twenty-five years old, by the way. He loved the determination and the intent, and there were some nice lines and shapes, but it lacked a bit of intimacy and fluidity. He then doubles-down on the horrible patronising by saying it's a very grown-up dance and it's very difficult to portray, just stopping short of adding "little missy" on the end. Craig felt like Lauren was getting stuck between each step, and it needed to flow more than that - she needs to think about being looser in her legs, and she was shortening all of her long lines. He thinks it was stompy, and "in another three weeks you'll get it." Ooof. That's unnecessarily harsh. Darcey says it did look challenging, and Lauren was so focused on the technique that they were missing the chemistry and passion in the narrative. She wants to see purpose! And delivery! Shirley finishes by saying she appreciated the complexity of the number, but the mood was a bit samey - but she loves Lauren's determination and she knows she'll be back next week and giving it 100 per cent.

They hot-foot it to the Claudicornerum, and Claudia says that everyone in her area was vehemently disagreeing with the judges throughout those comments. Lauren says she found it very difficult, and she thought the complexity of all of it was mind-blowing. And she had two days out this week to do a triathlon, so maybe a silly VT going diving in an aquarium wasn't the best use of the time that she did have, just a thought. AJ says it was an ambitious routine and she was fantastic. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 6, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. There's a nice bit of business where Claudia tells us that Kate's dance features a balloon, and warns her that there's a storm forecast - Kate whispers that it's not a real balloon, and Claudia replies that it's okay because she's not a real meteorologist. Heh. On that note: get Tomasz Schafernaker to do the terms and conditions next week!

Graeme and Oti are our third couple to perform this week, and they've got a couple's choice routine this week so prepare yourself for extreme incoming earnestness. In his VT, Graeme says that he loves musicals, and he's very excited that for their theatre-jazz routine, they're being assisted by the Olivier award-winning choreographer Bill Deamer. That's enough about the dancing, now let's squeeze some tears! Graeme says that he went to his first ever cricket game at the tender age of three weeks - his dad was a brilliant cricketer, good enough to be a professional, but he couldn't afford to be. His older brother played cricket to a very high standard, and Graeme credits him with making him as good as he is today, because of all the practice they got in the back garden. Graeme reels off his list of cricketing credits, which I assume is impressive but I don't know enough about cricket to say that with certainty, and he says he still gets goosebumps thinking about that time he beat Australia at Lord's. Graeme then discusses his departure from organised cricket in 2013 after developing an issue with his right elbow, adding that he still can't feel his right hand so well, and says that what he really misses is the buzz and excitement of a match - but doing Strictly has helped him to find that again. The best thing about it all has been his kids' reaction each week, and he wants this routine to be amazing for them.

They're dancing to 'The Trolley Song' from Meet Me In St. Louis. Graeme makes quite a credible hoofer, and there's a lot of umbrella work in the routine that he handles well, even if it is a little laborious when you see how light Oti makes it look. It's a good choice of routine for him anyway - it fits him better than contempowaft or street-commercial was ever going to, and maybe he'll even get to play Billy Flynn off the back of it, who knows? [I thought it was OK but a bit dull and unambitious - needed more variation - Rad]

Graeme tells Tess that that was the most fun he's ever had in 90 seconds, and Tess adds that it was the first ever couple's choice to be held at Blackpool. I'm also kind of hoping it'll be the last, but hey. Craig says he can't see Graeme having a career in musical theatre - while he thought the character-driven aspect of it was well done, he doesn't think Graeme led the dance at all - his lines were very naive, and by that Craig means "childlike". Crikey. But he loves that Graeme tells the story and really commits to the story every week. Darcey says she completely believed in him, and while there were moments where he could have been stronger and sharper with his lines, she thought his timing was immaculate and he danced from the first beat to the very last. Shirley says that he really tugged at her heartstrings, and she enjoyed every minute of what he did. She was also impressed with his "periphial" vision, and the way he held his own when he was away from Oti and with the back-up dancers. Bruno thinks that the West End will be calling for Graeme after this and that the characters were excellent - it was "Dick van Dyke-y" (lol), "My Fair Lady" and a mish-mash of West End musicals but he showed real stagecraft and has improved so much.

Back in the Claudicornerum, Graeme tells Claudia that he's been smiling ever since 9am on Monday, and Oti says that she's had the best week ever too, because they've worked hard and they've had fun. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 32 - Graeme's highest score so far.

Next up are Faye and Giovanni, with a paso doble in Blackpool, which I feel ought to be a genre in its own right by this point? In her VT, Faye says that everyone was excited backstage last week, and she was over the moon with the feedback she got for her jive. Faye exposes the holes in her Strictly superfan status by asking Giovanni that if he's the matador, does that make her the bull? (She is the cape!) Giovanni swishes around with a cape tied around his waist to show Faye what she's supposed to be doing, and I'm sort of into it? Don't question me. Faye asks Giovanni what to do to impress the judges, and he says basically "massively ham it up, because it's Blackpool". We see them rehearsing it in the studio, with Stacey and Kevin watching them while eating toast: Stacey declares that she loves Blackpool, she loves toast, and she loves Faye Tozer. But which one does she love best? There's only one way to find out: FIIIIIIIGHT!

Oh, perhaps not. Instead we're going to see Faye's paso, danced to 'Unstoppable', aka the intro music from The X Factor. Giovanni is wearing a see-through mesh shirt and paso trousers that practically come up to his nipples, for those of you who like that sort of thing. There's some fire-play to get things going with, and then Faye and Giovanni go straight into the business of the paso, and this is a much better stylistic fit for Faye than the jive was last week. She's mostly got the imperiousness down, her movements are quick and sharp, and her lines nice and clean. I love a Blackpool paso, and this is definitely worthy of admission to the canon.

Darcey tells Faye that she has beautiful, strong delivery and dramatic attack, but she kept the femininity to it, which isn't easy. She felt there were a few moments where Faye found it difficult to maintain, but she did well being passed around by every man (madam). Shirley says it was musically powerful, choreographically powerful, and she kept in character from start to finish - she loved it. Bruno says the dynamics of the dance were superb, and he calls her a "paso dominatrix". Blimey. Craig loved the drama and the theatre and aggression - it was brilliant.

Claudia tells Faye that she was watching Faye's parents, Dorothy and Angus, who must have been thinking "our little girl seems so angry!" (There's a lot of infantilising of the women going on tonight, isn't there?) Faye says she really enjoyed it, and she really had to put a lot of trust in the other dancers that they would be there to catch her when she couldn't see them. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38.

There's no halfway leaderboard tonight because we're down to eight couples, so after a quick preview of the dances yet to come this evening, we go straight to Kate and Aljaž with their American smooth. But first: Tess asks Claudia if she's enjoying Blackpool so far, and Claudia says that she is, apart from the fact that at 1am this morning, Dave Arch wouldn't stop banging on her bedroom door. Tess asks her what she did, and Claudia replies that she didn't have any choice - in the end, she had to let him out. Ba-dum-tish! (Which is the noise Dave Arch made when he finally escaped and subsequently fell down the stairs in panic.)

In their VT, Kate and Aljaž reflect on getting good feedback for their marriage-themed quickstep this week, and now they're hoping for a honeymoon in Blackpool. This week they've got a foxtrot-led American smooth, which they will begin by floating down in a hot air balloon shaped like a heart. Aljaž says that they have lifts this week, which they haven't done since their Argentine tango (a whole two weeks ago!). Kate adds that they haven't done many lifts in the competition at all so far, and Aljaž says that at this stage of the competition they really need to be improving on posture every week as well. To test Kate's fear of heights, Aljaž takes Kate up the tower to hoist a Strictly flag from the very top. Except it's too windy for them to go all the way up, so they get a professional in. Is there a metaphor here somewhere?

They're dancing to 'Everlasting Love', and I think Aljaž may have spent a little too long drilling Kate on her posture because she's working so hard to push her neck and her head back that she looks quite stiff, and it's created some gapping between them again. There's a lovely softness and elegance to a lot of the routine, but the lifts do look quite laboured, and I suspect that's at least in part because Kate's rib hasn't fully healed yet. Kate comes alive a bit more at the end, and I'm definitely left with a warm fuzzy feeling in terms of the atmosphere created by the dance, I'm just not so sure that the dancing itself moved me quite so much, if that makes sense. Aljaž looks lovely in pink, though. [Also the rib support gave her horrible back rolls, and it was a little distracting - Rad]

Shirley calls her "Kate the consistent" and says that she brings impeccable timing to the ballroom, but she'd like her to take a bit of a chance with some striding and really open those legs out. (Oo-er.) Bruno says he feels like he's still on honeymoon and basking in the afterglow - he thinks the foxtrot elements were very hard and Kate was particularly good in hold. Craig thought it lacked some energy at the beginning, and the lifts were a little graceless going in and out, but he loved the choreography and the concept and the way Kate is growing as a dancer. Darcey finishes by calling classy and sustained, but warns Kate against grabbing Aljaž in the lifts.

In the Claudicornerum, Kate is overwhelmed with the Blackpool-ness of it all, and gives a special shout out to her children Clemency(!) and Wilbur(!!), saying that Mummy misses them very much. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Tess tells us that soon Ashley will be dancing in the Vegas of the North, and asks her if Vegas is referred to as "the Blackpool of the West" in America. Surprisingly, it is not.

Charles and Karen are next, and Tess points out that Charles has gone from surviving three dance-offs to being third on the leaderboard last week, so if anyone deserves to dance in Blackpool, it's him. I'm not entirely sure that "the viewers don't really care about him and he would've been gone weeks ago if it weren't for the judges" makes the best case for Charles deserving to still be here, but your mileage may vary I suppose. In his VT, Charles says that his Chuckyston played out like a movie, and Karen adds that she thinks all of the dance-offs have just made them stronger. Strike him down now, and he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine! This week they've got the samba, which is very technical, but also a feelgood dance! (Tell that to Susannah.) Charles says it reminds him of his mother dancing to a certain style of Nigerian music. Heh. To pay tribute to the emotional rollercoaster that they have experienced in the competition so far, Karen sends Charles on a rollercoaster. By himself. Oh come on, at least throw a little challenge in there - give him a cup of tea and tell him not to spill any of it!

Their samba has a male strip club pool party theme, and is being danced to 'La Bamba'. Also, it opens with Charles trying to grab Johannes's arse, which I'm not not into. This is a surprisingly good routine from Charles - it's fun and it really fills the space, but he also dances it well - occasionally his free arm doesn't quite go all the way into the line, and sometimes he thrusts his hips a little too far out of orbit, but other than that, it's really enjoyable and makes me really glad he got this far in the first place. [Yeah, I enjoyed it, too.  And it's good to see Karen having some memorable routines for a change - Rad]

A load of paper string goes off at the end and Charles and Karen make their way over to Tess completely entangled in it, Karen in particular, and they have to spend a few seconds sorting themselves out. After a reference to Bruno's Speedos that I'm not going to transcribe because I don't think you deserve such trauma, Bruno says that Charles was indistinguishable from the professionals and made it look easy. Craig said it reminded him of his own pool parties in Hampshire, and that he didn't really notice the footwork because he was too distracted by the "plethora of abdominals", but he really liked what he saw. Darcey liked that he wasn't forcing the technique, and the body was undulating. There's a large crash from somewhere offstage at this point, and Darcey shrieks. I do not know what the cause of it was, but I'm just going to assume it was the Ghost of Bruno Falling Off His Chairs Past. Shirley finishes by saying that she's all hot and bothered, and Charles owned it - it was so real she felt like she was in Brazil. Charles runs up to the stage to give her a hug, and Bruno a high-ten.

Charles and Karen scoot over to the Claudicornerum where everyone is in a celebratory mood, and Charles says that something in his body just obviously agreed with that dance. I think something in Craig's body also agreed w[YES THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT THANK YOU]. He says he felt empowered by being here with all the extra dancers, and this was everything he dreamed of in his bedroom as a kid. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Both of them go absolutely off at the 10s. Claudia tells them they're joint top of the leaderboard, and Karen bursts into tears. As my husband pointed out, this is the first time she's had any 10s at all, and while I'm not Karen's biggest fan, on this occasion I think they were richly deserved. [Honestly, I think they deserved one or two for their street contemporary as well - Rad]

In the penultimate slot tonight are Joe and Dianne, and Tess is in the audience with Joe's oft-invoked Nana Phyllis, who has had a sneak peek at their routine and thinks it's very good. In his VT, Joe says that he just wanted to get to Blackpool since the beginning, and Dianne reveals that they'll be doing a quickstep and using the whole floor, and Joe says he feels like they're two dragonflies dancing around a pond, which he admits is a weird analogy. Also, they're going to be dancing on a piano on the floor. We see Joe in the studio rehearsal with Nana Phyllis watching, and he tells her that he went a bit wrong in that one and she's all "yes, you did, I saw that". Hee. Phyllis says that she's very proud of Joe. But has she liked and/or subscribed, that's the question.

They're dancing to 'Dancin' Fool', and it opens with Joe doing a grand introduction in a broad American accent for some reason. Dianne was not kidding about them using the floor to its fullest because they really do cover a lot of ground here, and for the most part I think Joe does well - his frame has really come on, and his footwork seems pretty accurate. To be honest, it's more from the neck up that I have a problem - the suaveness of the whole routine is undermined by the fact that he looks fairly panicked throughout it, which just takes the edge off for me. Also I think there are a few points where it just lacks the energy that I want from a quickstep, and the charleston section in the middle is far too flaily for my taste. But it's another strong showing from him, all the same.

Joe and Dianne make their way over to Tess and Joe, of course, immediately asks his nan if that was all right. She gives him a wave of approval. Craig tells him that he needs to broaden his lines out of hold, and take a bit more ownership of the space - but in hold, he's a real dark horse. Darcey calls it a grand performance, effortless and light with images of Fred Astaire throughout. Is she judging a dance or doing a wine-tasting? Shirley tells him that he did Nana Phyllis proud, and even though the music was a tad slow, he stayed entirely within it. Bruno calls it "pure Hollywood", and applauds him for his synchronicity when dancing alongside two professional couples.

In the Claudicornerum, Joe says that he's really fallen for ballroom and he just wants to go to waltz parties now. Claudia asks Dianne if it's true that Joe watched every video of every quickstep ever on Strictly to prepare, and of course it's not, because you can't even find clips of half of them. Still, Dianne says he's very dedicated. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Joe and Dianne get a little bit teary too. It's a full box of Kleenex of a night, isn't it?

Rounding the whole show off, we have Ashley and Pasha, in the pimp slot for the second time. (Point of interest: Ashley and Charles have closed the show twice, while Graeme and Kate haven't done it at all yet. Switch it up please, producers.) Their jive is set in a fish-and-chip shop, which is a bit of an odd juxtaposition with Ashley in her VT talking about how important it was to her to express her life experience through a deep-and-meaningful contempowaft last week. Pasha takes Ashley to a fish-and-chip shop for some hands-on experience, and Ashley likes the "Dick Tracy meets chef" outfit that they're given to wear. They do a little dance for the customers, who applaud even though their chips are getting cold.

So yes, their dance is set in a chipperie called "Pashley's Plaice", and Ashley actually jives to 'Shake Your Tail Feather' while holding a plate of fish 'n' chips. That is some next-level ringeration in here, I take my hat off to her. In fact the whole thing is a ridiculous show of "look what Ashley can do", including whirling around in circles holding her arms out helicopter-style while remaining linked with Pasha, and jiving on a table while the back-up dances rip off the tablecloth. It's completely flawless, Pasha's ugly apron notwithstanding. [It was insane and I loved it, despite being kind of over jives always getting praised to the hilt - Rad]

Darcey calls it "fast" and "fantastic" - she saw Ashley literally floating on her kick-ball-changes, apparently. Shirley says the whole thing was on-form and fantastic. Bruno declares there was "nothing fishy about that one", and then invokes St Jill's Holy Jive - he thinks this performance will become a piece of Strictly history just like that. Craig? Fab-yew-lous, so I think we all know what's coming...

In the Claudicornerum, Ashley says she was just trying to channel the energy in the room. Scores: 10s all round for a perfect 40, of course.

Time for that leaderboard - all on one screen for the first time this series!

1. Ashley & Pasha - 40
2=. Faye & Giovanni - 38
2=. Charles & Karen - 38
2=. Joe & Dianne - 38
5. Stacey & Kevin - 33
6. Graeme & Oti - 32
7. Kate & Aljaž - 30
8. Lauren & AJ - 25

So, a tricky three-way tie for second place there, and Lauren at the bottom for the first time. Quick recap: Stacey and Kevin ideally needing ooh ahh...a little bit more, Lauren's floppy Argentine tango, Future West End Leading Man Graeme Swann, Faye discovering that it's Time! To Face! The Music!, Kate and Aljaž having an everlasting quickstep, the Chucky Venice Samba Experience, Joe and Dianne dancing like fools, and Ashley doing a jive just for the halibut.

So that's it! One couple will be leaving in the results show, where we will also be joined by Take That. I might take that opportunity to make a cup of tea, to be honest.