The Bland vs the Bizarre

Week 8: Top 9 Perform - 10 November 2018

Last week! Danny gave an interview to a reporter from The Sun that he’s regretted ever since plunged to the bottom of the leaderboard following a messy quickstep! Stacey and Kevin did a non-traditional ‘street commercial’ routine before we’ve even had a chance to learn what traditional street commercial is! Lauren got over 30 because the script said she should! Joe was the latest victim of make-up’s attempt to give all the men the worst eyeliner possible this year! And Ranj became the closest thing we’ve had to a shock boot so far!

Tonight! It will probably be an evening where everything everyone says is ‘Blackpool Blackpool BLACKPOOL’ and maybe the odd ‘nan/grandma’. Brace yourselves everyone, it’s on its way. The pre-credits sting reveals quite a bit about the mindset of some of these people: Lauren thinks being on this show is up there in lifetime successes with winning world titles whilst Danny thinks getting to Blackpool would be a big achievement. Charles just doesn’t want to go home. Joe would like to remind you he’s the designated JOURNEY contestant. Also: BLACKPOOL. 

For the sake of my sanity, let’s assume every VT mentions how much they want to get to Blackpool, every Tess’n’Claud interlude mentions it, and every round of judging contains either ‘we’ll see you at Blackpool’ for the ones they like and ‘if you get to Blackpool’ for the ones they don’t. And I’ll just recap the bits that don’t fall into those categories. Deal? [By my calculations, the amount of show you have left to recap is...10 minutes. - Steve]

Cue credits! And to think before we saw them dance, I imagined Vick would be a massive ringer and thus our first Shock! Boot! 

Tess and Claudia enter, on the arms of Graziano and Neil. Tess is in a bright red dress COS POPPIES and Claudia in a sparkly black jumpsuit. Claudia looks pretty good, whilst the top of Tess’s dress has an odd structure but it’s poppy red so she wins. Winkleman’s only wearing a regular paper poppy, so disrespectful.

The judges enter – they’re all wearing little poppies, but glittery ones – Shirley’s is the largest, I think? Darcey IS all in red, BUT it camouflages her poppy so she’s sending out very mixed messages re: her amount of respect quite frankly. Also, the single button holding Bruno’s jacket together is fighting against his tummy and not winning. Did he party too hard the other week?

The contestants enter: Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Stacey and Kevin; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Kate and Aljaž; Graeme and Oti; Danny and Amy; Ashley and Pasha. Theme tune dancers? Faye, Stacey and Karen. And kind of Kevin. Joe, as ever, is looking off into the middle distance somewhere. Also: Graeme and Dianne seem to be in entirely matching colours and it’s very weird they’re not actually a partnership. Also also: GRAEME’S OUTFIT. Also also also: KAREN’S WIG. But we’ll come to those in turn as always.

First, we have some dancing to get through, and it’s Kate and Aljaž who are first. Their VT features Aljaž telling us Quickstep is one of the hardest dances. What, alongside Rumba, Viennese Waltz, Argentine Tango, Samba, Cha Cha Cha and even sodding Couple’s Choice? At this stage I think only jive hasn’t been billed as the hardest and even then, Vick, Lee and Ranj would probably disagree with that assessment. 

Because the theme of their dance is a wedding, we see snapshots of Kate’s wedding. Apparently their first dance was a waltz, although Kate’s husband Mark said he didn’t remember the name of it. This is sweet, and I don’t necessarily subscribe to the ‘Curse of Strictly’, BUT this all feels a bit uncomfortably like the time Rachel Riley’s wedding kept getting talked about in all her VTs so can we move on quickly?

They are dancing a quickstep to ‘I Want You To Want Me’ (tune, but not sure of its relevance to the narrative - isn’t it a bit late when you’ve already got married to want someone to want you?). It opens with them standing on a little podium under an arch and I know from ITT that this is meant to be them standing on a wedding cake but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t guess that if you hadn’t seen that interview. I mean, what cheapass wedding cake has a single tier? They don’t skip off the podium, just kind of walk down slowly and I understand health and safety and also that Kate might still be a bit broken but where’s the commitment to stunts, people? Whilst it’s a bit weird to see them wearing wedding outfits, from the glimpse we got earlier, they’re still more successfully dressed than most of their competitors, and the little star tiara they’ve put Kate in is adorable. The dance is sweet and Kate’s facial performance is on point as ever, but whilst there are moments the footwork looks good, there’s also a part where they seem to grind to a halt and forget to move – unless that was deliberate?  Still, I love them anyway and I think it was a big step-up from the last couple of weeks, so hooray.

We welcome the singers: Hayley, Jamie, Jill (or is it Gill?) [it's definitely Jill - Steve] and Tommy, plus Dave Arch and his brilliant orchestra. 

Shirley says she looks great, it was bright and light and she thought Kate did everything she was supposed to do, although she could have better heel work in the pivots. Bruno says it’s a real improvement and joyful. Craig says ‘that’s a bit more like it’, and whilst there was some gapping, that could be easily solved and she looked confident and comfortable – and her hand was just as he’d like. Darcey says it was joyous and light, just ‘as the boys said’ (drink) and ‘I do believe in Craig’ – there was gapping. Darcey’s grasp of the English language gets looser week by week, doesn’t it?

Tess calls them ‘Mr and Mrs Skorjanec’ and Aljaž looks perturbed and goes ‘Oh, we went there?  Wow.’ Heh. They skip up to the Clauditorium as everyone sings the wedding march at them, but all I can think of is WHAT THE HELL HAVE WARDROBE AND HAIR DONE TO KAREN? Also, Aljaž waves to Angela and all the people that dress the Queen because he met them and also Wills and Kate but mainly Angela and co and he’s about as excited at this as he was at being an uncle.  Kate, however:

Scores: 7, 7, 8, 8 for a total of 30 and their highest score to date. 

Terms and conditions time – and our new guest celeb? Rylan, who is so tall he has to bend down to get under the curtain frame. Having just seen him on I’ll Get This (which is a very odd programme) with Anton and Vorders, can we speculate on his likelihood for competing next year? Although he’s so tall they’ll need to bring back Natalie. And Ian. One standing on the other’s shoulders. Of course, Rylan does have experience of a daily spin-off show (*watches half the audience gasp and clutch their chests in horror*).

In the death slot this week? Danny and Amy, make of that what you will, conspiracy lovers. He’s wearing a truly ugly shirt of clashing bright colours (and you know me, I LOVE a bright colour) – but still only manages to be about mid-table on the list of people who look a total and utter state tonight. It’s like Vicky Gill’s team have been secretly taking part in one of those challenges on Project Runway where they ban them from going to ‘thank you Mood’ and tell them to make do with what they find in the reject bin out the back of their local PDSA shop (though my local PDSA shop has the best selection of bargain CDs in amongst the clothes, hulking great ugly brass duck-shaped doorstops and puppy placemats).

Their VT features Danny saying that the important thing to take from being bottom of the leaderboard is how you respond to it. *Eyebrow raise*. Also, their dance is going to be set in Dominica to honour his family background, which seems to cheer him up.

Their samba is to ‘Feels Like Home’ (see what they did there?) and he has pretty good hip action, especially in the opening moments, and his central body wiggles well, but his arms and footwork are quite inconsistent, his timing slips a bit at the start and sometimes he looks like he’s doing ballet rather than samba, and at other times it’s too staccato. Still, better than last week.

Bruno says sometimes the staccato movement made it look like he was pushing Amy around. [ISSUE A PRESS RELEASE - Steve] Craig says his dancing has too much energy, which is never what he says to dancers, and Danny needs to chill out more because his movements were too spiky. Darcey says there were no mistakes but she wanted a softer bounce as his movements can come out too hard and strong. Shirley says it was a huge improvement from last week and he did have good hip work early on but he needs a better balance between the staccato moments and the fluid ones.

In the Clauditorium Danny says he has a ‘bit of Spanish’ in his blood. That’s paso talk round these parts, Dan. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Claudia previews Faye and Giovanni and says Giovanni will be playing an Italian so gets him to speak Italian at her. I feel there was a joke there but it was too literal to land.

Ashley and Pasha now, and if we’re meant to forget she’s a massive ringer, this VT isn’t going to help matters. She tells us her father was a musician (playing with the Mamas and the Papas at one point), that she went to stage school classes since she was a kid – although funding it herself through working three jobs – then she was in the Pussycat Dolls, and the UK changed her life, which is hilariously illustrated by a picture of her meeting Keith Lemon (note to this show’s bookers: NO). The real point she’s trying to make is about her dad, who passed away in the spring and how their contemporary dance has a theme of loss, which helps her connect with him.

Their contempowaft couple’s choice is to ‘Unsteady’ and they’re both barefoot, with Ashley in a red body suit and flowing skirt, and Pasha in wrinkly trousers and an open shirt. The emotion here is good, a real mixture of sadness, despair, anger and hope. There’s a lot of energy in the performance – it’s very physical rather than just a lot of wafting around. However, whilst there are beautiful shapes in places and it’s clear there’s a lot of skill involved, especially in the lifts, there are moments where it looks like they’re doing the Haka, which is perhaps not what they were intending. [Oh god, don't go giving the producers ideas. - Steve]

Ashley looks spent as they go over to Tess. Craig says she’s incredible and he loved all the extensions and lifts but he would have liked to see more breath, because contemporary allows you to show that you’re human – but there was little else wrong with it. Darcey says she thought there was a lot of breath in it and you could see real strength and flexibility in her movement which balanced fluidity and impact well. Shirley starts crying and says Ashley spoke for everyone who’s lost someone and she can see she danced from the heart, and Ashley starts crying some more. Bruno says it was a hauntingly beautiful tribute and danced to perfection. Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39, which is their equivalent of Charles and Karen’s 25 although it’s probably wise for them not to start grubbing for a 40 just yet (it’ll happen next week, won’t it? A special BLACKPOOL 40).

Graeme and Oti are next and the fact that they’re setting it in a gym gives us a gag in which Tess asks Claud if she exercises much, and Claud says ’30 Crunchies before breakfast’ with an ‘I love chocolate’ punchline which would have maybe worked if the exercises weren’t called crunches.

In the VT, Oti says there are lots of salsas but Strictly only really likes the Cuban one. Then we see training footage which doesn’t look very salsa at all, and Graeme accuses Oti of going wrong at one point. We hear her say ‘I beg your pardon?’ but it cuts away before she goes full-on

Special choreographer Jenny Thomas then comes in to teach them, and in our latest ‘couples meet each other for tips’ segment, they go visit Kate and Aljaž. Graeme says he’s never seen Aljaž do the salsa so he must be the best person to get tips from. Aljaž tells him to imagine he’s just put on fresh deodorant and it stings and Graeme says that’s the best tip he’s ever heard. Guys, if your deodorant stings, you might want to change brand? Or is stinging-ness one of those things they put into men’s deodorants to preserve masculinity? [I mean I can't speak for all men but I'm pretty sure the only time my deodorant has ever stung was when I missed and sprayed myself in the eyes. - Steve]

They open with Graeme lifting Oti above his head like a barbell to the refrain of ‘The Roof is On Fire’ which is always what one of my friends sings to me so I’ll take this as a shoutout. Graeme is wearing all neons – yellow shoes, green socks, pink and yellow shorts, orange jacket, yellow sweatbands. I love me some neon, but this is quite something. Oti’s in mostly neon pink with patterned shorts, which is slightly less eye-searing. They’re dancing to ‘Follow the Leader’ and it’s one of those dances where the gimmick (aerobics) is mixed with the actual dance – but there’s a little too much of the gimmick and too little of the salsa. It’s really energetic though, well performed, and they even manage to dance on a treadmill without falling off, which is some feat. I don’t quite know what to make of it, because it’s very enjoyable, a lot of fun and quite impressive in its own way – but he is an athlete, and it isn’t much of a salsa. If we’re judging it on PURITY OF DAHNCE terms, anyway. [Yeah, I really didn't like it. I'm not a PURITY OF DAHNCE person in general but it was just too much theming for my personal taste. If he'd danced it better I might not have minded, but it wasn't a good week for him. - Steve]

Over with Tess, Graeme worries about his mic falling down his bum and Oti fishes it out. What a trouper. Darcey says she strangely loved it – he was a bit flat-footed in places but he was fearless and gave it all. Shirley says it was full of impact and she loved that it was bright and jolly and even though there were some mistakes, he went for it in terms of performance. Bruno says he can feel the burn, but he thinks his retinas have burned as he’s never seen so much day-glo in his life. Bruno says this. He thinks Graeme should release a fitness DVD and tells Davina McCall to watch out. Craig says it’s one of the oddest sambas he’s ever seen but it was a very complex routine and he handled it really well. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31 and his best score since week three.  Graeme puts it down to the lifts.

Next are Faye and Giovanni and Tess delivers her introduction to them all the while ignoring the fact that Jodie Comer is right in the audience behind her delivering her best Villannelle face. Given we’ve had Bodyguard and Doctor Who plugs already this series, that’s some missed opportunity for BBC product placement right there. [Killing Eve-themed Argentine tango for Ashley, I'm calling it. - Steve]

Speaking of Giovanni, there’s a lovely interview with The Lovely Debbie McGee in this weekend’s Guardian. Also someone in the comments says she's the last proper entertainer to have done this show and I would have loved to be a fly on Danny John Jules' wall when he read that.

As it’s Remembrance weekend, we see a video message from some troops out in Oman, and a snapshot of Steps visiting there 17 years ago and, oh boy, those millennium looks amidst the combat fatigues it quite the incongruous image. The soldier they’ve got to wish Faye look speaks exactly as if she were issuing mission orders to her platoon and it’s awkwardly endearing. Then the troops dance around a bit and Faye cries a little. [I got quite uncomfortable with this one, it felt a bit "VOTE FOR THEM OR THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON" - Steve]

They’re jiving to ‘Reet Petite’ and allegedly are an ice cream seller and customer, but actually look more like Barry and Yvonne from Hi-De-Hi! Giovanni messes around with an ice-cream cone a lot at the beginning, then eventually chucks it on the floor in a health and safety nightmare (someone must have retrieved it, because at the end Faye retrieves it to stick it in his face and it’s a melty gloopy mess (of what I assume is shaving foam?) and Faye’s hand and Giovanni’s face end up getting sticky, what a metaphor. Oh, the dance itself? S’alright. It’s your standard ringer jive – lots of energy in the performance, competent with one or two places where the footwork gets a little clunky, loads of skirt-swishing, nothing particularly new or exciting here to trouble our holy pantheon of jives, but it should still rake in the 8s and 9s and maybe even a Bruno 10 if he gets too hot and bothered by all that sticky white stuff. [I thought it was probably Faye's weakest performance so far. She really looked like she was struggling to keep up in a few places. - Steve]

Shirley takes a deep breath and says it was all very competent and Faye’s an outstanding dancer, but most people are fighting for their place and it lacked some changes in energy (BOOO!) and a change in dynamics that’ll hit more of a chord with people. Bruno calls it ‘a picture perfect rendition of a 1940s jiving pin-up’ and says it was pure Ann Miller – precise, compact, beautiful, with immaculate styling. Craig loved it and Darcey appreciated the side-by-sides and symmetry.

In the Clauditorium, Giovanni wipes himself down [madam - Steve] and we learn they had a bad Tuesday last week.  Also, Danny’s grimace of fear about whether she might topple his jive score is something. Scores: 9, 9, 8, 10 for a total of 36 and I’ll start up my psychic business right after the show. Everyone does the Giovanni ‘Thank You’ impression and I can’t help but thinking this gag would be way funnier if it were aimed at Pissy Gorka. Oh well, maybe next year.

Stacey and Kevin now and Kevin gushes about how they’re dancing to ‘Moon River’ which is Kevin’s favourite waltz song ever look surprised. Stacey then goes through their days of the week routine but we already covered that on ITT the other week. Still, Kevin teaches us what a ‘tumble turn’ is (a movement when you’re going round corners) which is more educational than your average VT.

Stacey has lucked out in the costume front this week – a nice pale silver skirt with iridescent jewels on top, and a pretty updo, whilst Kevin’s in a classic suit. They start on top of what appears to be a chopped-up version of Danny and Oti’s American Smooth pier, with a lot of dry ice floating beneath, before Kevin ballet-jumps off it and lifts Stacey down. As patented Kevin Clifton Lovely Waltzes go, this one is a little less twee than some of its predecessors, thanks in no small part to the blue lighting and the costumes. It’s nice and romantic and well-danced, despite a few spiky arm movements, although Stacey doesn’t quite seem to be buying into the mood of it in her face.

Bruno says she’s really genuine and natural and you could see the effort she’d put into the footwork but she does need more flow in the arms. Craig says the upper body needs flow and she should work on her expression, but it was a lovely routine. Darcey ‘agrees with the boys’ about flow and upper body lines but enjoyed their connection. Shirley thinks Kevin pushed the envelope with technique and says she saw Stacey embodying flow at the start but she needs that all the way through.

In the Clauditorium, Stacey moans about how slow the waltz is and Kevin said he wanted to show proper technique to the judges. Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32. We learn that Stacey’s mum and Claudia are both going to stay in Zoe Ball’s room in Blackpool and I hope that’s not a joke and that someone puts a camera in there.

Joe and Dianne now and we’re reminded of how everyone except me thought their paso was amazing last week. Their samba training footage features Joe wearing some odd trousers that have what looks like masking tape all over them. [Oh god, it brings me out in hives every time I see those trousers. What ARE they? Why has nobody burned them for the good of humanity? - Steve]

So.  Where to even start with this routine?  They’re dancing to ‘MMMBop’, set at ‘Strictlyfest’ (I never saw Hanson as a festival band, but if we’re talking about a line-up made of acts this show likes then I’ll take them over Jess Glynne, BoeBalls, Gregory Porter and Andre Rieu and his Smugface Orchestra any day). Dianne’s in a neon rainbow dress, whilst Joe has, yet again, terrible eyeliner, along with what look like school trousers and shoes, an ugly bandana that blows his hair up to AJ proportions, and yet another flowery shirt. I can’t work out if this festival is acid house, hippy dippy, prog rock or what – which is fitting, because I can’t work out what this dance is supposed to be, either. I know we have queried Joe’s lack of expression at times, but here he has almost the opposite problem, with his mouth opening and closing like a guppy at all times. It has lunges, it has dad dancing, it has side by side arm-linked jazzy finger clicks, it has skipping, it has Joe sticking his bum out a lot, it has half-arsed Saturday Night Fever pointing, it has Spice Girls Wannabe realness, it has Joe pretending to play the drums. I don’t know what the judges will see in it, but all I see is Trainwreck. For. The. Ages. (Sorry Joe.  I still like you.)

Craig says it made him smile – it was overstated and exaggerated, though his shimmy could start a tsunami. Darcey was distracted by his mouth as it looks like a round of exercises rather than a dance, but she could see he was trying hard. Shirley says he exaggerated everything but he is a beginner. Bruno says he can bounce all he wants.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Joe’s never been to Blackpool but his nan has lots of fridge magnets of it. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 9 (?!) for a total of 32. Judges, U OK Huns?

Lauren and AJ now and all week AJ’s been grubbing for a 9 because it was his birthday and that tactic got them over 30 last week so why not try it, I guess? Their VT shows how they’re adapting the Viennese Waltz to compensate for Lauren’s arm and she says she wants to inspire kids with disabilities that they can do everything. 

They’re dancing to ‘You Are The Reason’ and Lauren looks nice enough in pink, but the beige trousers and waistcoat AJ’s wearing with his pink shirt make him look like a strawberry cream biscuit. [Also Jesus, even by this show's standards those trousers are TIGHT. - Steve] The dance is nice – smooth, well-performed and elegant, if not spectacular, and one of, if not, their best so far.

Darcey praises the contact between them and says Lauren’s confidence is growing each week, but she should watch the top line. Shirley says she’s an inspiration and she did like the top line, and says Lauren did the best pivot she’s ever seen. Bruno says he could hug them both, and they oblige. He tells her she’s inspiring and you could see her falling in love with dance. Craig says he felt she was really dancing for the first time tonight – although it’s not clear if that’s a compliment or just shade on all her previous routines. [It can be two things. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, Lauren says she tried her best to get AJ that 9 he wants. Scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 for a total of 34. I’m not mad at those scores, even if there is a bit of a mixed message of inspiring kids by showing that if you say you want a score enough, you’ll get it.

Pimp slot time, and Charles and Karen have it again, which is unexpected, but the last time this happened they gave a solidly enjoyable routine, so maybe this will be more of the same. Their VT is a bit dull – Oti and Graeme like their lifts, woooo.

They are dancing a Charleston to ‘No Diggity’ and this is an odd one. They’re window cleaners for some reason that is never fully realised, save waving some chamois about a bit at the start. Karen is in full-on Minion blue overalls with black patches on, and a terrible bowl cut wig that makes her look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber (Charles fares better in blue trousers and a white vest). The routine is a mix of comedy pratfalls and goofy faces, traditional Charleston, hip-hop, breakdancing (which Charles executes a little better than Karen) and musical theatre. It’s fun, his technique isn’t bad, I’m definitely enjoying it, but, as with Graeme, Ashley and Joe, I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to be.  It’s certainly pleased the crowd though, from the reaction it gets. [It did feel like a bit of a waste of the pimp slot on an unusually strong week, didn't it? - Steve]

Shirley gives it a standing ovation and says she loved the one-armed cartwheel and tricks, and that he keeps bouncing back from ‘the bottom three’ which is not a thing I knew we had on this show, is that more behind the scenes intel. Bruno says the Charleston was accomplished and he liked the hip-hop elements, and it was his best dance yet (although Bruno missed Street contemporary, let’s not forget). Craig says it was too controlled and gets resoundingly booed. Darcey loved Charles’ crazy fun side and says she wants to see more of it.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia praises Charles from coming back from the dance-off three times and Charles says Strictly has been one of the most enjoyable experiences of his life. Karen says she’s never had a celebrity partner as professional as him although given most of her previous partners, I don’t know how much of a compliment that is. Charles says his son’s been giving him pep talks and telling him he will definitely supercede his last score. Aww. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35.

Leaderboard time!

1. Ashley and Pasha - 39

2. Faye and Giovanni - 36

3. Charles and Karen - 35

4. Lauren and AJ - 34

5=. Stacey and Kevin - 32

5=. Joe and Dianne - 32

7. Graeme and Oti - 31

8. Kate and Aljaž - 30

9. Danny and Amy - 27

Two things of note here: a) we’re at that stage where the better-than-duffers-but-not-yet-dancers can get good scores (Graeme, Kate) but still be at the bottom of the leaderboard, and b) this show is so over Danny now. [I know! I never expected we'd be seeing him at the bottom of the leaderboard twice this early in the proceedings. - Steve]

The vote opens with Neil dressed as traffic lights, Aljaž as a driver and everyone else waving ‘GO’ signs and ‘Blackpool’ arrows.

Recap time! Tonight has been so weird – half very straight, lovely-if-a-bit-dull interpretations of ballroom, half bonkers-Latin/everything-else hybrids. Tomorrow! Someone’s going home. And I hope it’s one of the ones I’ve worked out a good pun title for! And the return of Andrea Bocelli, only this time he's bringing his son with him!