A world of hurt

Week 7: Top 10 Perform - 3 November 2018

Last week: it was Hallowe'en, which was by turns spellbinding and a horror show, mostly depending on which half of the episode you were watching. It had a happy ending though, because Seann was sent home and we could all stop awkwardly avoiding talking about That Thing He And Katya Did. We're now officially past the halfway point, so we get an opening VT in which everyone talks about how they're upping their game now and proving they deserve to be here. It's all very "here, just read this line off the script with as much sincerity as you can", it's very much the same VT they do around this point every year, let's move on.

Titles! It's now reached the point where I'm looking out for "danger zones" in the title sequence where we get a lot of eliminees in a row, though so far the most I can spot in succession is two. There's only Dr Ranj breaking the run of Vick, Seann and Katie though, so if he goes home any time soon, then we're in business. (Not that I'm willing Dr Ranj to go home, just to be clear. I heart Miss Ranjie.)

No opening pro number this week, which is always disappointing as a viewer but a huge relief as a recapper, because it means I'm already that little bit closer to hitting publish than I was last week. Tess and Claudia enter on the arms of Pasha and Kevin respectively, and Tess is wearing a shoulder-exposing black dress with a slit right up the yowzah, and Claudia's in a white blouse with black trousers and a heck of a lot of make-up. I'm pretty sure she's visible from space tonight. In the audience, a veritable greatest hits of series 15: Mollie King, Ruth Langsford and The Lovely Debbie McGee. Tess and Claudia literally repeat all of the facts established before the opening titles (halfway, getting tough now, Seann's gone) and then the judges enter, with Bruno delivering the most "will this do" twirl I've ever seen. Looks like someone needs another week off already.

Our remaining Strictly stars enter: Charles and Karen, Faye and Giovanni, Stacey and Kevin, Dr Ranj and Janette (who do this weird repeated pointing upwards thing that kind of makes it look like they're flipping the viewers off), Lauren and AJ, Joe and Dianne, Kate and Aljaž, Graeme and Oti, Danny and Amy, and Ashley and Pasha. There are some...interesting sartorial decisions going on tonight, which I think I'm better off discussing individually as we get to them. But someone had probably better just check there's not a gas leak in Vicky Gill's office, just in case. High Kick Watch: Stacey, Kevin, Ranj and Janette.

Tess reminds us that five of these celebrities got their highest scores of the series last week (that's Ashley, Faye, Stacey, Joe and Lauren, if you need reminding), and one of those is up first tonight: Lauren. In her VT, AJ is wearing a lemon-yellow tracksuit. It is not acknowledged or discussed or in any way part of a comedy routine, so apparently he's wearing it entirely of his own volition. Huh. Lauren says that Hallowe'en was her favourite week so far, and now that she's set a benchmark she wants to keep raising her game. She and AJ are sitting in a skate park, and she asks AJ why that might be; AJ shouts that THEY ARE AT A SKATE PARK BECAUSE THEY ARE DANCING TO 'GIRLFRIEND' BY AVRIL LAVIGNE THIS WEEK AND ISN'T IT JUST SETTING THE SCENE? Okay, first of all: you're dancing to 'Girlfriend', not 'Sk8er Boi', and second of all: AJ was getting so good at sounding like an actual human when he talks in VTs, what's with the sudden leap backwards? I have been amusing myself by imagining what a wildlife documentary narrated by AJ would sound like, though. Back in the training room, AJ talks about how the jive is full of energy, so he hopes Lauren can keep up. Lauren reveals warily that AJ's put lots of stunts into this routine, and keeps nearly dropping her. She adds that she needs to work on taking smaller steps because she keeps taking great athlete strides and making life unnecessarily difficult for herself. AJ honks about "the 30 zone", which he likens to a private members' club that they haven't yet been granted entry to. Lauren says that she would love to break the 30 mark, and she thinks this is the performance in which she can do it, sounding very much like she's just putting the final paragraph on her covering letter before sending off a job application.

Anyway, let's skate! There's a skate ramp on the dance floor and Lauren's sitting at the top of it, next to a graffiti heart with "AJ 4 JG" on it. Of course, I immediately start racking my brain as to all the people connected with this show whose initials are JG and the only one I can think of is Jason Gilkison, so that particular piece of set design feels like...A Choice, let's put it that way. AJ skateboards across the dancefloor and into the front row next to some girls, while Lauren sticks her name over the "JG" and slides down the ramp. (Sidebar: on It Takes Two we were promised Mollie King cameoing as The Girlfriend. She's here, but they've just chosen some randoms. This is the biggest disappointment of my young life.) She drags AJ across the floor and tries to win his heart with a jive, though I'm not sure this performance is enough to tempt anyone away from their current squeeze. It's clearly well-rehearsed and Lauren's timing and general placement is good, but the kicks are too soft and it only has about 80% of the bounce and energy it needs. The attitude is good, though, as is her stamina, it's just a shame that it's not quite enough to really pop. Also, the singers have changed "motherfucking princess" into "one and only princess", which is the second biggest disappointment of the evening. [Although 'one and only princess' was the radio friendly edit of this song so I'm not blaming the singers.  Theme aside, I thought this routine was boring and flat.  And would definitely not have got over 30 had they not scripted it to - Rad]

Tess thanks this week's singers, Hayley, Jamie, Jill and Tommy. Except she really overemphasises the fact that we have a Jill this week, so it's more like her name is JILL! Or possibly Jil!, in tribute to the much-loved character from Paula Danziger's Matthew Martin books [A++ referencing there Steve, am I to expect a reference to 'Ralph' from Judy Blume's Forever further down the recap? - Rad] . Shirley tells Lauren that she's growing in confidence week by week, and also says that the routine brought back fond memories of standing around in a skatepark with her son Backtatt. Speaking of fond memories: apparently having someone vault over her head like AJ did to Lauren in this routine was Shirley's signature move back in the day, and she wants everyone to know that it takes real core strength to support that. Bruno says he's "digging this streetwise attitude", and it was also a very sharp and clean jive with a real range of content, with great synchronisation. Craig says that he spotted a slight hesitation in the first series of kicks, but that's the liveliest and most energetic he's seen Lauren, and she's going down the right track. He loved the armography too. Darcey admires Lauren's stamina and says she was outdoing AJ (I'm no great AJ propper-upper but lol no she wasn't), and she wants her to work on really expressing the character of the dance.

The power of not liking his girlfriend propels them both up to the Clauditorium, where Lauren says that she felt much more confident after last week went so well, and AJ says he made it hard (fnar), but he knew she could keep up. Claudia asks Lauren if she wants to join the over 30s club, and Lauren says yes. As someone who's been in it for seven years and counting, it's really not all that. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. It's quite sweet that they wait until the final score total is revealed before celebrating, but honestly if you've got a seven from Craig and eights from Darcey and Shirley, the only way you're not going to break 30 is if Bruno scores you six or less, and honestly. This week reading the terms and conditions: Boyzone, who have been in the building to record this year's Children in Need special, in which they'll be attempting to put the ghosts of that infamous appearance on The Late Late Show to rest.

In the death slot this week are Graeme and Oti, who are doing a waltz dedicated to Graeme's grandparents. In his VT, Graeme says that it was disappointing to be in the bottom two last week, but he thinks it was probably deserved. Oti tells him he doesn't have to be so hard on himself (because that's what she's there for). Their waltz is to one of Graeme's favourite songs - 'The Last Waltz' by Engeldink Humperbert, because he remembers watching his grandparents dance around the kitchen to it. They're setting it in a beautiful park, so they go to a park where Oti has arranged for Graeme's mum and dad to stop by and watch them training. Graeme says he's dancing it for them too, because his grandparents were his mum's parents. Thanks for the clarification! Graeme's mum conveniently mentions that her parents used to dance in BLACKPOOL, so Graeme tells Oti they need to get to BLACKPOOL now. That's BLACKPOOL, for anyone sitting at the back who might be hard of hearing. BLACKPOOL.

So there's a little bandstand in the middle of the dancefloor decked out with fairy lighs and the whole thing is a real saccharine crowdpleaser of a waltz that's probably the best performance Graeme has ever delivered in ballroom. If I'm nitpicking, I'd say there's a bit too much tension in his face for what's clearly being sold as a soft, romantic routine, but it's got beautiful flow to it and aside from a few moments of uncertain-looking footwork, it's all very confidently played-out, and he's clearly been working on his frame too.

Tess calls it "a classic, heartfelt waltz" and Bruno opens for the judges by saying that Graeme is unpredictable: last week he was like a rhinoceros, this week he's like a swan(n). The improvement on the quality of the movement was "like another man" (which one though? Hopefully not Ed Balls), and it was smart and elegant. Craig says that his topline needs finessing and his balance was off on the pivots, but he loves seeing him be elegant and graceful, and it really felt like he was leading the dance this time. Darcey says that Graeme captured the style and feeling and it was quite touching with great control of the rise and fall, though there were moments where his eye level wandered. Shirley finishes by saying that there's been a huge growth from last week to this week, though those of us who were paying close attention to his American smooth in week two might ask how much growth there could realistically be. *coughs* Shirley adds that Graeme did a whisk with the right footwork, and he really came across like a gentleman here - it made her feel all fuzzy. Hopefully not like Ranj did last week.

They skip up to the Clauditorium, where Graeme says he feels so emotional after doing that. Oti says that she tries not to be too technical, but she really wanted Graeme to impress the judges with his footwork this week. Scores: Craig 6 (to jeers), Darcey 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 29. Graeme cries a bit on Oti, bless him.

Next we have Kate and Aljaž with the first Argentine tango of the series, and Tess reports that Kate's had a tough week after injuring her rib in training. In her VT, Kate says that she loved Hallowe'en - the hair, the dress, the make-up, the routine...maybe not the scores, though. Aljaž says that he thinks Argentine tango will suit Kate because she's very sultry and smooth, and Kate says it's a very specific and precise dance which has been quite challenging to master. Her friends and fellow broadcasters Katie Derham and Andrea Catherwood pop in to training to see how she's getting on, and Katie immediately interrogates Aljaž as to how he's managed to be on the show for this long without ever doing an Argentine tango before. Heh. Katie uses her experience of having made it to the finals back in 2015 to advise Kate to really get into the character of the dance, and also to limit her consumption at the pre-show bar to two units maximum. It's also very clear that the entire VT was completed before Kate crocked herself, as there's no injury porn whatsoever.

They're dancing to 'Assassin's Tango', and Kate is getting her oats from minute one. She's pretty good at the intimacy of the dance, and her leg movements are generally very smooth and impressive - at least they are when she's basically standing in one place as a sultry decoration. When she actually has to move around, things come rather unstuck, and as much as she's battling through her injury, you can tell that she's quite restricted in what she can do and it is affecting the rest of the routine. It's a really valiant effort though, and I'm gutted for her that she's hurt herself, because I think if she were fighting fit this could really have been something. [Also, the dress seemed quite restrictive (and mumsy) which can't have helped - Rad]

Craig felt it was stuck in the mud - he knows the audience liked it, but it wasn't reactive in the way it should have been, he felt like he could see each moment coming. He adds that if she danced it again, he thinks she could do it better because she's got the capability, it's just not there yet. Weirdly, the example he gives for her dancing it again is "next week", which obviously would never happen, and it's pretty impossible to hear "dance it again" and not think that means the dance-off, right? (Although after Anastacia-gate two years ago I'm reluctant to suggest that someone who danced poorly because of an injury might improve in the dance-off.) Aljaž tries to get out of it by saying Kate wasn't being reactive because he was meant to be the girl, and Craig shoots back that he should have worn the dress in that case. Darcey says that Kate's strength is in the storytelling, and the intimacy between them was there - but the effort was showing in the lifts. Shirley was impressed with the times where Aljaž lifted Kate by the waist and she did back-flick ganchos, but she disagrees with Darcey on the chemistry - she didn't really feel the transfer of energy between them, so she thought it looked laboured (adding "I'm not going to use 'stuck in the mud'", as if "laboured" is somehow more flattering), but it was definitely an improvement on last week. Bruno saw some great shapes (although that might just be his little pre-show enhancer kicking in) and clean lines, but he says that Kate needed to really throw herself into it and not hold back. As Craig said, it needs to be action-reaction like it's being made up in the moment - but some of the figures were very nice.

They smoulder up to the Clauditorium with Aljaž squealing "that was amazing!" the whole way up, and Claudia gets right in there to talk about Kate's injury - she explains that she stripped a muscle in one of the lifts quite late on Friday, so she didn't have much of a chance to recover. She admits that she's definitely danced it better in training, but she got through it and that's the main thing. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 23. That does seem particularly harsh. Kate plaintively begs for votes right down the camera lens, and Aljaž says that four is usually his favourite number, but not in this context.

After a time-filling VT reminding us of some of the couples who are coming up, we move on to Dr Ranj and Janette - who will be doing a samba set at a fireworks party, which is set up by the following gag:

Tess: Do you like firework displays, Claud?
Claudia: I do! I love running around waving my sparklers about!
Tess: What about your bangers?
Claudia: I usually keep those covered up.

First of all, I'm surprised that the line about running around waving sparklers got past compliance, that's a health and safety nightmare waiting to happen. Second of all, one thing that's really making me warm to Tess lately is how much she always cracks up when asked to take part in even the mildest of smutty jokes.

In the VT, Ranj recalls that last Saturday's routine didn't really go to plan, and totally unravelled on the night. He says that he's got to work harder and be better this time around - Janette agrees, so she's going big with the samba. Ranj says that he wants to do well this week, so he's being very hard on himself. To lift Ranj's spirits, Janette arranges for the two of them to go to a fireworks display. Ranj, unsurprisingly, loves fireworks (particularly the way they go HERP DERP DERP as they shoot across the WERP BERP FLERP, I imagine) so this very much does the trick.

They're dancing to 'Freedom '90' by George Michael, apparently the most expensive song in Strictly Come Dancing history since they weren't allowed to so much as hum it on It Takes Two all week. It's quite a props-lite performance - there's just a banner in the background saying "FIREWORKS NIGHT", but that's no bad thing really. [I liked the firework detailing on the costumes though - Rad] What's really pleasing to see is that Janette's actually put a lot of samba content into this routine, and that Ranj is dancing it pretty well - the bounce action isn't really there most of the time, but his footwork and his timing are both largely good. I'm not a big fan of the shimmying breakdown Janette's stuck in the middle, but my overall impressions of this routine are definitely very positive.

Tess remarks that the smile is back on Ranj's face, and Darcey says that this was a good comeback for him - there was a tiny mistake, but she's going to pretend not to notice because he recovered so well, and there was some natural bounce going on there. There were some technique issues though, notably his knock-knees. Shirley says it was definitely better than last week, and he commanded the room. He had lovely rotation and energy, and she was impressed to see him stepping up his technique. Bruno liked the "flamboyant, high-spirited fun" and says that Ranj got the bounce right, and although he went off track a bit he covered it well. The camera cuts back to Mollie and Ruth in the audience, and I notice that Lucy "Homes Under The Hammer" Alexander is sitting with them. Lucy Alexander for Strictly 2019! Craig says that Ranj found a groove that actually suits him - but the voltas needed work because it looked more like he'd broken an ankle, and there were some timing issues, though he enjoyed watching Ranj "and your teeth". Heh.

In the Clauditorium, Ranj admits he was on the verge of tears last week after his jive went awry, because he felt like he'd really let Janette down (and no, I still can't believe "let Janette down" is still a thing after everything Janette has done to her ringers). Claudia says she could see him looking all dejected during his training on It Takes Two, and Ranj says he wanted to do his best for everyone supporting him at home, even if not for himself. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27 - Ranj's highest score in three weeks, and a great relief to him.

Next are Stacey and Kevin, with their couple's choice routine, which will be street/commercial. Of course that means we're getting a lengthy and worthy intro VT - and I do mean lengthy, because at this point during the live show I nipped into the bathroom to take my contacts out and have a wee, and when I came back it was still going. Stacey explains that she is dancing to 'Empire State Of Mind' by Alicia Keys this week, and she remembers going to see her in concert once and absolutely being blown away. From there, Stacey talks about her rise to fame via the BBC Three documentary Blood, Sweat and T-Shirts at the age of 20, where young fans of fast fashion were sent out to see what life was like in sweatshops, and she ended up making documentaries in hostile environments - which is why she's loving Strictly, because it's so very different from the day job. In training, Kevin tells her that the judges will be looking for precision, because it's street dance, and then we get the latest injury update as Stacey explains that she smacked into Kevin during training and hurt her ribs. Fortunately, a consultation with a doctor revealed that there was no serious damage, just some nasty bruising.

So yes, this routine probably isn't what your average viewer expects from "street/commercial", because it's almost contempowafty, though my husband who watches a lot more So You Think You Can Dance than I do informs me that this would probably come under the genre of "lyrical hip-hop". See, this is why I don't think I'm clicking with couple's choice as a concept: the genres seem like an odd fit with the rest of the styles danced on this show, and they're all frustratingly ill-defined. When I watch one, I have no idea what it's supposed to look like, and the show has never really bothered to explain it, which makes me wonder if the judges even know what they're meant to be judging. I'd just like some parameters, I don't think that's too much to ask. Because it's really starting to feel like "couple's choice" is basically showdance in all but name. Anyway, I digress: it's a hip-hop tribute to Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse, and it all looks very nice, but as I explained above, I have no idea whether it meets the brief or not, which makes it quite hard to recap. I can, however, talk about the outfits, so I will say that Stacey's glittery hammer pants and Kevin's brown felt hat are two items I hope never to have to see again. [I had no idea what the fuck that was although I enjoyed the dancing itself.  Gotta appreciate Kevin's dogged commitment to making everything insanely high concept though - Rad]

Stacey says that she's having so much fun, and tells Tess that she's looking lovely tonight. Shirley calls it "a modern twist on street/commercial" (??? - we don't even known what conservative street/commercial is supposed to look like yet, for crying out loud), and says that she's so proud of the way Stacey has grown throughout the competition. Bruno says it was like watching a movie: "Strictly Land". He asks if we got the reference. It was to Zombieland, right? Cop Land? The Land Before Time? Shutter Island? He spotted musical theatre, contemporary dance, hip hop and Hollywood, all put together seamlessly and surely making the categorisation of this as "street/commercial" kind of meaningless? Craig says it's "absolutely everything I love". Darcey finishes by saying she loved the lyrical moments and Stacey's sass and coolness, but she needs to watch not to have her weight too far back.

They make their way up to the Clauditorium in a manner that cannot possibly be pigeonholed into any one genre, where Claudia attempts to ask her missing three days of training through injury and Stacey replies "that's right, yeah, boring!" That seems... a little rude? Claudia points out that Faye and Charles both got their highest scores doing couple's choice (Lauren's name is politely not involved in this conversation), and the scores come in: nines all around for a total of 36, Stacey's new high score. Kevin says they trained from 8am-10pm on Wednesday and Thursday to make up the hours that they'd missed (so she only missed two days of training, then?), and Stacey totally deserves those scores for her hard work.

Midpoint scoreboard:
1. Stacey & Kevin - 36
2. Lauren & AJ - 31
3. Graeme & Oti - 29
4. Dr Ranj & Janette - 27
5. Kate & Aljaž - 23

Our next couple are Danny and Amy, and Tess reminds us that Shirley called Danny Mr Consistent last week. Spoiler alert: she won't be saying that this week. In their VT, Amy says that each judge is looking for something different, and she's trying to factor that in to her teaching. This week they have the quickstep to 'Freedom' - not the George Michael one from earlier, but the Pharrell Williams one. Amy says that she has packed the routine with content: scattered chassés, running finishes, a spin-turn, a highstorm, a lockstep, a puffinwalk and a double-breasted toe slide. I may have made some of those up. Amy says that it's a lot to remember in a fast dance, and Danny says that mistakes will show up very clearly in a fast dance like this. So let's see how that works out for them, shall we?

Honestly, this is heartbreaking to watch, because I've really grown to like Amy this year and she looks so thrilled at the start of this routine, but the whole thing goes completely to shit from the minute they get into hold - Danny's on the wrong foot, he's forgotten what he's doing, his frame collapses, he's generally a hair's breadth from doing a Matt Di Angelo and just giving up and sitting on the steps for most of the second half, and the way Amy's expression slowly falls over the course of 90 seconds as she realises just how unsalvageable this whole performance has become just kills me.

Bruno opens for the judges by saying "there is nothing like the consume performer experience [?] to cover a multitude of sins", because Danny covered up (lol no he didn't) a lot of mistakes, including going around the entire floor on the wrong foot. Craig says nerves and adrenaline took over because it just went completely "out of whack", and while Danny's a showman, he can't cover up well enough for the judges not to notice. Darcey says he was light and effortless in the moments that went right, but it's very noticeable when you're out of sync in a quickstep. Superb topline though! Shirley says that she really thought this was going to well, but it snowballed out of control and never recovered. She thinks it was just nerves, though.

Danny wrongfoots all the way up to the Clauditorium where Claudia gives him the right of reply, and Amy says that he started on the wrong foot - but he nailed it earlier! Danny says that the show must go on, and this is a good lesson to learn. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 5, Bruno 7 "to balance it a bit" for a total of 22. Seven, though! Were six of those points for spelling his name right when he signed in at security?

After another "still to come" VT, there's another slightly surreal Tess 'n' Claudia intro for Ashley and Pasha.

Claudia: I believe it's set in a park!
Tess: I love going to the park with my funny-looking pug. I like watching her chase squirrels, but most of all I love throwing her sticks.
Claudia: [placing a stick in her mouth] And I love fetching them for you!

Gotta say, I'm not not into the low-key BDSM vibes here.

In their VT, Ashley cackles about how helpful Pasha's fake belly was for some of those lifts in last week's troll charleston because it helped to cushion her. This week they have a very romantic foxtrot where they meet in the park and start dancing, so they go out into the park for a lovely stroll and their chat gets interrupted by a parakeet. Also by Kimberly Wyatt and her daughters Willow and Maple (has she had children, or trees?), who've come by to see Auntie Ashley, and also to remind us that Kimberly Wyatt and Ashley Roberts are two distinct people. Kimberly rhapsodises that it's awesome to have such a positive role model for her daughters on television. Yes, I like Claudia Winkleman too.

They're dancing to 'Orange Coloured Sky' by Natalie Cole, and the routine opens with Ashley sitting on a bench which gets slipped along the floor to breeze past the lamppost that Pasha is swinging from (which is sliding in the opposite direction behind her), and then they get up to foxtrot together. Unusually for a foxtrot, this is supremely watchable: it's effortlessly smooth, filled with old Hollywood glamour and neat little accents to all of the orchestral stings, and danced impeccably by Ashley. And regular readers will know that it takes a lot to get me enthused about a foxtrot. My only real complaint is the outfits: not that terrible in and of themselves (although I don't like the fit of Pasha's suit or the butterfly pattern shirt they've paired it with), but Pasha's purple and Ashley's pink clash horribly with each other. [Is it just me or... are the foxtrots this year actually better than usual? - Rad]

Craig declares that was "a proper foxtrot", with no tricks and no gimmicks. Apart from when she slid in and out on a bench with a rope attached to it? He loved it, anyway. Darcey thinks Ashley made the routine her own, and coped with unbelievably difficult content. Shirley calls it an "exquisite, classic foxtrot", and she found it very difficult to find a foot error, even though she was looking. Bruno says it was like watching "Ashley Rogers and Pasha Astaire". Except he kind of swallows the "and" so it sounded a lot like "Ashley rogers Pasha", and I'm not too proud to admit that I snorted.

In the Clauditorium, Ashley says that ballroom isn't her preferred style, but she's been working really hard to get the footwork right this time. Claudia says that Ashley's been getting up at 4am to go through the steps, because Pasha made it so complicated. Pasha looks straight down the camera all "who, little old me, I would never" and Claudia goes "you lie". Heh. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Ashley tries very hard not to cry and ruin her make-up. Before throwing back to Tess, Claudia asks Joe whether he'd rather get a 10 for his paso, or another hug from Mama Shirley. (Note that she doesn't ask him if he wants a hug from Bruno, because that restraining order has already come into effect.) Joe says that Shirley's given out a lot of 10s (*shade rattle*) so he'd rather have another hug, because Shirley gives good hugs.

We're nearing the end, which means it's time for Faye and Giovanni. (They're really not mixing up the running order so much this year, are they?) Their VT opens with a flashback to Hallowe'en and their score of 39 for their jazz routine, and now they're moving on to the tango. Faye admits that she got really excited about learning the tango, but it's much harder and more intricate than she realised. We then see them rehearsing it in the studio, inside a neon cube for some reason, with Ashley and Pasha watching on admiringly from the side. It's not the most interesting VT I've ever seen - maybe they should go and dance on a bridge again?

They're dancing to 'Call Me' by Blondie, and yes, there's a giant cube in the middle of the dance floor for reasons that never become entirely clear. It does make me want to shout "FOUR LIVES REMAINING" in a robotic voice, though. It's another great performance from Faye, with lots of sharp, staccato movement and her head wrenched back so far I'm genuinely quite worried for her spine. But yes, not sure what the cube is there for other than to artificially pen them into a small space for around half of the routine.

Darcey loved the intensity and passion, the energy and the precision, and says she's in love. Shirley says she saw phenomenal moments and flashes of colour, but the frame jiggled a little bit and she spotted Faye's feet turning out which they weren't supposed to - but that's just a minor point. Bruno calls it "tighter than Craig's girdle" and says that every nuance was right on it, and Faye was like a tango machine. We had one of those in my old office, but it was always sold out of the cherry one. Craig finishes by saying the cube "had a fail on it" (?) because nothing much happened in it - they didn't make anything of the concept of confinement, and if they'd got rid of the cube it would've been worth a 10. In week seven, sure it would hon.

They cube their way up to the Clauditorium where Faye giggles that it was really horrible to have to adhere to proper rules again after having couple's choice last week. She said she really didn't think she was going to get it at the beginning of the week, but she ended up loving it - at which point she turns to Giovanni and giggles "I just did a tango!" Bless. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. There follows a weird bit where the entire Clauditorium crowd starts chorusing "thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" There's a faint tinge of an Italian accent to it, I think, so I assume they're making fun of Giovanni? But it does come across a bit like an in-joke that's not really letting the viewers in.

Our penultimate couple are Charles and Karen, who scored their fifth 25 last week, and it's driven them to drink, so this week's Viennese waltz is set in an Irish pub. Karen says that she's been really drilling Charles on technique to make sure he's fully in control, and warns him that he might get dizzy. Charles's son Lucas comes to visit him in training (wearing a hoodie with "the future" written on it, so adorbs) and offer him some advice on making his dance better. Kid points: many.

They're dancing to 'Piano Man' and it's...well, it's not very exciting. Karen's clearly put a lot of effort into getting Charles to nail the timing and the technicalities, but the routine itself is dull beyond belief. It's all very lovely and elegant but it's a total snooze, sorry.

Shirley tells Charles he must have the most beautiful heart because the routine was genuine and sincere, and they really functioned as one unit tonight, but she would personally would've liked it to be flatter, with more glide and more drive off the front foot. She thought his timing was wonderful, though. Bruno says that Charles can play the romantic lead in his sleep (which I think might actually be what happened here) and his musicality has improved enormously. Craig says there was too much rise and fall, and the posture was "a bit pedestrian at time", and there was a flat-footed fleckerl, but it was acted beautifully and had immaculate timing. Darcey agrees "with my judges" (hark at Lady Muck!) - he has lovely storytelling, but he keeps losing his frame.

They 25 up to the Clauditorium, greeted by cries of "26! 26! 26!" and Claudia asks Charles if it feels weird to be back in ballroom hold after four weeks, and Charles says it does, but he has to adapt - that's why he's here. Charles jokes that Lucas will be getting some sweets tonight. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 28. Not 25! Everyone is so excited that Graziano hoists Neil up onto his shoulder. Claudia jokes that 28 on this occasion generated more excitement than anyone she's ever seen getting 40.

Closing the show this week, then, are Joe and Dianne. In his VT, Joe says that hearing Shirley tell him last week that she expects to see him in BLACKPOOL gave him goosebumps. The theme of this week's training is all about how you need to be BUTCH and MANLY to do a paso, and how Joe is neither of those things (though he attempts to demonstrate this by flexing his arms and he's still got bigger gunz than I have, sadface), and then there's a slightly weird diversion where Joe decides that he wants a body like Charles's. I mean, Charles's body hasn't really done Charles that much good in this competition so far, has it? Joe says he just has to go out there and command the floor and pretend he isn't really an awkward 27-year-old millionaire from the West Country.

They're dancing to 'Pompeii' by Bastille, and Joe is giving it his all, though his attempts to be #masc seem to mostly involve staring straight down the camera and sucking his cheeks right in. The whole thing is still a bit light and throwaway unfortunately because he's just so skinny and spindly, but the actual dancing is pretty good - there's some impressive paso shaping and he's absolutely on point with his movements, he's just not really capturing that forceful matador energy that he's trying for. Also, the knee slide probably should've been cut in tryouts, because it just looks a bit wet. Still, I have to admit I'm warming to Joe week by week - as I said on Twitter last night, I'm still not sure I'm thrilled about the idea of him winning, but I'm less opposed to it than I was, so: progress! [I hated that dance; his face was awful (also his hair and costume but that's not his fault), it was juddery and awkward, the knee slide was ridiculous and had it been one of the 'duffer' contestants they'd have declared it a mess and scored it accordingly.  I've been pleasantly surprised by Joe so far, but I thought this routine was shocking.  Sorry Joe fans - Rad]

Joe jokes to Tess that he thinks he's pulled a muscle in his face, and Bruno calls him "a lean, mean paso doble machine", and admires those stretched-out lines. He thought he was "like a young bull dressed by Gucci". Craig thought it was a little wooden at times and a bit overplaced, but he loved the routine and thought Joe did brilliantly. Darcey says he used every part of his body, though his free arm was forgotten about in the underarm turns. So...not every part of his body, then? She thinks he has turned into a very nice dancer. Shirley gives him another hug, and Bruno settles for just hugging Dianne this time, which I think is the safest option for everyone.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says that Joe's trying to channel an amalgamation of characters, and Joe clarifies: Charles's body (not really "a character", unless this is a particularly damning critique of Charles's personality), Aljaž's smile, Amy's accent and Dianne's hair. So yeah...not really an amalgamation of characters as much as a pretty bizarre photofit. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

Final scoreboard:
1. Ashley & Pasha - 39
2. Faye & Giovanni - 38
3. Stacey & Kevin - 36
4. Joe & Dianne - 34
5. Lauren & AJ - 31
6. Graeme & Oti - 29
7. Charles & Karen - 28
8. Dr Ranj & Janette - 27
9. Kate & Aljaž - 23
10. Danny & Amy - 22

A couple of remarkable things here: Danny becomes the first person to both top and bottom (the scoreboard), and this is the first week of the series with zero ties, which should make things quite challenging for everyone in the lower half.

Recap! Lauren not liking your girlfriend, Graeme pumping you so full of sap you'll have to blow your nose with a pancake, Kate soldiering on despite injury, Ranj hoping to stick around stick around, Stacey soldiering on despite injury slightly more successfully than Kate, Danny falling apart spectacularly, Ashley's razzmatazz foxtrot, Faye's neck-snapping tango, Charleszzzzzzz's Viennese waltz, and Joe's adorably polite paso.

In the results show: "the brilliant Jess Glynne" (I'll believe that when I see it), an Aretha Franklin tribute pro-dance, and someone's going home! But who?