I want two-dance with somebody

Week 12: Top 5 Perform (Semi-Final) - 9 December 2017

Last week! Strictly went to the musicals! A bunch of ties on the leaderboard led to a dance off between Alexandra and Davood, with the latter being sent home following his clumpy Argentine Tango. We also saw the last of short episodes as tonight sees the return of two dance week and next week brings us yet another bloated final - good luck with that Steve. [*weeps* - Steve]

(Also, apologies for the lateness of this, it coincided with one of my busiest weeks of the year.  Also also I've just got in from Wizard of Oz at the Sheffield Crucible which was adorable).

We get a pre-credit teaser full of dramatic music and harsh spotlighting borrowed from the X Factor/an interrogation chamber in which the contestants pretend to be in one of those army recruitment videos where they spout out words like ‘fearless’ ‘fast’, ‘flexible’, ‘dedicated’, ‘determined’, ‘disciplined’, ‘strong’ and…that is all the alliteration we can afford this week apparently.

Credits! For some reason my brain refuses to commit Charlotte’s last name to memory and every time I tried to think of it I end up running through all the surnames of Charlottes I know, then ‘Hathaway?’ ‘Hilton?’ ‘Houston?’ Charlotte, we have a problem (SORRY).

Tess and Claudia enter, flagged by Pasha and Kevin who are both flaunting a lot of chest. Daly dresswatch: sequined and red, very Christmassy. What Winkleman’s wearing: black trousers and a top with some slightly weird fringing around it. The judges arrive, Darcey in a very revealing lacy black dress, Bruno in a natty mauve jacket, Craig in black or at least a deep navy/purple/something and Shirley in a sequined black dress. The camera has clearly caught on to everybody watching to see if Shirley makes her mark, because instead of zooming out on all four of them as they take to the podium, it focuses solely on her. I don’t know if this is its way of trying to get her to her mark on time or not but she just about manages it so hooray for that.

The stars enter: Mollie and AJ, Gemma and Aljaž, Debbie and Giovanni, Joe and Katya, Alexandra and Gorka. We will come to their outfits as we get to each couple in turn, but some of these people have definitely lucked out more than the others. When it comes to dancing to the theme tune? Just Giovanni and Katya can be bothered these days. For shame, everyone else.

The first couple of the evening are Joe and Katya. They are both wearing blue and looking fairly snappy, but Joe has been painted a really unappealing shade of orange by the fake tan team and it’s massively off-putting. Their VT features a bit of training footage and then we get onto the annual business of sitting down with an iPad to see who your target audience is a.k.a. the pros pretending they put together a compilation of footage for their celebrity - I really don’t know why they need to keep it that pretence but there we are. [Considering we're still keeping up the pretence that the pros choreograph all of the routines including the charlestons and the Argentine tangos, this feels like a drop in the ocean. - Steve] They seem to appeal to people of all ages and genders and also dogs. People’s Champion! (I’m steeling myself already for next week when he goes full Tom Chambers, sorry Joe, you still seem lovely and I'd be happy to see your Viennesse Waltz again so do that please.)

They are dancing the American smooth to 'Have You Met Miss Jones?' (See what they did there?) The Bridget Jones theme promised earlier in the week is absolutely nowhere to be found, and I honestly think a Bridget Jones themed dance for movie week next year could work - you could choose from the fireman's pole bit, the big pants bit, the Christmas jumper bit, or even, if we have same-sex couples, the bit where Hugh Grant and Colin Firth roll around on the floor together.  Is Renee Zellwegger even doing anything these days? Get her booked. [Guest judge! - Steve]

I think Joe has had one of the more favourable dance draws this week. American smooths are always likely to be crowdpleasers but doing one in the semi-final surely has to make you a lock on unless you are incredibly unpopular (which we know he isn’t). This is a foxtrot themed American smooth and very much in the old Hollywood Fred and Ginger style. It’s definitely one of their better routines and is very well performed, making the most of his musical theatre routes, even if the Tom James a vocation [post Dragon edit: Tom Chambers-ification] of him doesn’t seem to have slowed down any. There are some nice lifts although one or two of them are a little awkward in the transition and there’s a very odd part where they look like they’re strangling each other, but other than that a lot of fun, playing to his strengths and, unless they (or even if they) royally mess up their second dance, it should see them comfortably through the next week. There were no surprises here, but having seen what they did last week and what they're about to do later, perhaps we don’t always need a surprise.

We cuts to our celebrity guests in the audience-this week Danny Mac and Judge Rinder before we welcome back Dave Arch, the orchestra and this week’s selection from the rotating roster of singers: Hayley, newish boy Jamie, Andrea and Tommy.

Shirley says his timing was extraordinary, his personality exquisite and there were some glorious movements. Henrik from Holby City nods approvingly. Bruno says one of the lifts gave him palpitations and getting out of the last lift was nothing short of miraculous. He praises the jazzy swing. Craig says he lost a little balance and his posture sometimes meant he leant towards Katya a bit too much, but it was fantastic and explosive, charismatic and stylish. Darcey says she enjoyed the lifts and they could have been really awkward but he brought plenty of glamour and sweeping lines.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia reminds him he is the first Scot to make to the semi-final. [Does Scott Maslen count? - Steve] Jo says his mouth is too dry to talk. Scores: eight, nine, nine, nine for a total of 35. I can’t believe Bruno only gave him a nine after those comments.

Terms and conditions time and they drag out Ore again, clutching the glitter ball. It looks to me as if there are only space for a maximum of 16 names on that thing-what are they going to do after next year?  Replace it with a new model a la the World Cup?  Take off the names they'd rather hadn't won?To be honest, I’m surprised it lasted this long given the quality of the build. I would be very surprised if it hasn't undergone multiple fixes along the way. (Also, I'm a semi-regular guest on Radio Sheffield, I know, get me, and they have one of the Pudsey glitterballs in their reception - don't ask me why as I'm sure none of the presenters have been on it - and it is basically a small toy glitterball stuck on a Pudsey soft toy and almost certainly would fall to pieces if you picked it up.  Still kind of awesome though.)

Alexandra and Gorka now, and they are looking rather swanky in white, Alexandra having feathers at the bottom of her dress and some coloured beading down the middle over nude/brown fabric panels. Their VT features Alexandra crying a lot that she ended up in the bottom two in a full on LEADERBOARD PLUNGE despite having bottomed out the week before and realising that that this means people probably don’t like her very much. Still, to cheer her up, here are her supporters: the young and beautiful, the gays and the ginger. And a random Scotswoman, because apparently regional voting isn't even a thing they want to pretend exists any more.

They are dancing the Viennese waltz, replete with plenty of dry ice, to a syrupy version of 'Everybody Hurts' (apparently a Tina Arena cover but no thanks whoever it is - and I'm not especially even precious about the original). The light beams and the dry ice and Alexandra’s emoting bring to mind her triumphant 'Hallelujah' performance from the X Factor and if that was deliberately done on behalf of production, have a clap for that. It’s clearly set up to give her a big public boost and I think it mostly works. It’s not the smoothest footwork we’ve seen from anyone in the VW - Debbie probably had that this series, or even Alexandra's VW-themed American Smooth - but it's glamorous, crowdpleasing and, as is traditional, covered in so much skirting and dry ice that you can’t really see what they’re doing with their feet half the time anyway. Still, with them both dressed like angels and that heavenly lighting maybe it will subconsciously remind people of the time they voted for her all those years ago and prompt them to do so again. As a comeback dance, there are definitely worse choices she could have had (*cough. Mollie's imminent samba*).

Bruno said it had a soft, dreamy quality and flowed like there was no tomorrow. He said it was like the softest, silkier/meaner [post Dragon edit: silkiest pashmina] that you want to wrap around you. Craig says there was one place her feet didn’t come together and he can’t get as mushy as Bruno but there was a good amount of rotation and not many surprises - there was one, Craig, the VT didn’t mention motion sickness once. Darcey praises it for having a wonderful, ethereal quality as if they were coming off the clouds and says that she could have over-pushed it when the music kicked up but her control was amazing. Shirley says it was an emotional performance and praises wardrobe for the outfit - as we see light gleaming all over the sequins, nicely done camera operator. She loved the sincerity, the finishing, the way Alexandra held her fingers and thinks everything about it was stunning.

In the Clauditorium, we are reminded that Alexandra has had a tough week but she’s also had a lot of support. Claudia asks how she is coping with doing two dances and she doesn’t have a response, so Gorka starts to jabber on instead and it's not entirely legible.  We already have a Bruno for that, Gorks. Scores: nine, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39 and Gorka lifts Claudia in the air to celebrate.  She tells him he’s not allowed any more caffeine - oh how I love it when they throwback to VT jokes from several weeks ago. (I actually do, I'm a dork like that).

In the audience, Tess has stalked Judge Rinder and Danny Mac and is caressing their thighs. Judge Rinder is entirely not down with this, whilst Danny doesn't appear to notice. Danny says two-dance week is really hard because you have to learn two dances. Insightful as ever there Danny Mac.

Mollie and AJ now, and she has a head full of hair extensions that makes her hair almost as big as AJ's. She's wearing a golden dress not that dissimilar to the one she wears the opening credits, whilst he’s in black sequins with his top partly undone.

Their VT reminds us how disparate their scores were last week - from 6 to 9, bless Shirley and her weird crush on these two. Their VT shows Mollie not being able to do the Samba in any way shape or form. I honestly think giving her the Argentine Tango would have been preferable - I can’t think of the dance less suited to her personality than the Samba. Mollie’s supporters are: pre-pubescents, people in pubs, policewomen, panto dames.

They are dancing to 'Whenever, Wherever' and there are some palm trees and random Egyptian columns in the background that the epitome of someone rooting around in the props cupboard and going ‘will these do?’ [What better accompaniment to a Brazilian dance performed to a song by a Colombian singer? - Steve] It opens with them both clapping glitter into the air in a throwback nod to Gemma’s paso. That’s about as good as it gets, to be honest. Mollie looks uncomfortable the whole time, her arms are doing God knows what and her legs keep forgetting to actually have any life in them. This is honestly the kind of Samba we usually see the comedy contestant giving and I just feel so mortified on her behalf that she had to get this at this point in the competition rather than earlier on when it could have been masked by lots of other people. If that doesn’t see her locked onto the bottom two, I’ll be shocked. [I kind of loved it, but mainly because her training VTs all week had been promising a glorious trainwreck and I was not disappointed. - Steve]

Tess tells her she looked happy when she was dancing (I thought she looked terrified, but Tess is always a glass half full kind of person) and that the two of them are so cute together. Oh Tess, stop shipping it, it’s never going to be a thing (at least I don’t think is unless I’m the only one that doesn’t see any sexual chemistry between them). [I see about as much sexual chemistry between Susan and Kevin, if that answers your question? - Steve]

Craig says the palm trees they had on set had more bounce in them than she did, says the changes of rhythms weren't seamless, she has difficulty going from one step to the next, she was behind with the music and out of time and it was really awkward. Darcey says Mollie looks the part, calling her a 'gold goddess' and says the Samba is notoriously difficult and that that combined with the music meant her body ended up in the wrong place and when she lost the timing that meant the transitions didn’t work and the routine didn’t connect. Shirley says she likes her body going for it and that she had some nice solo pieces in it but that she got discombobulated when she got together with AJ. Shirley says overall she thought she was really going for it and I do like how Shirley has basically managed to give what seems a really positive response without actually praising the dancing-that’s some skill there so that Mollie isn’t entirely crushed but nor was she sugarcoating the truth. Well played, Shirley. Bruno repeats the same criticisms of the others and says it looks very forced and it isn’t her best dance, but he's sure she’ll do much better in her second routine.

On the way up to the Clauditorium, AJ tells her she 'did fantastic' and she apologises and he tells her not to. Aww. Claudia tells them to focus on Shirley who was positive and adorable and Claudia says she’s always told Zoe she was trying to avoid the Samba as there’s no dance less suited to her. They really should have given her it in Halloween week or something and ramped it full of distraction just to get out of the way. Scores: four, seven, seven, six for a total of 24 and that’s both incredibly low for a semi-final score and incredibly high the score that dance actually deserved. Poor Mollie. Now Susan's gone she's the official woobie yes?

Gemma and Aljaž now and Tess says tonight'a a chance to prove herself after last week, starting with the rumba - cut to Gemma looking very 'nope'. DED NORMAL. 

On that subject, I was at my book club last week and they were discussing the show. None of my friends outside of Steve and Chris actually watch it so I rarely get to hear 'normal' opinions on it. [How VERY dare you. - Steve] They liked Joe, were split on Alexandra's personality and believed Mollie and AJ were getting it on, so very much what you'd imagine. And then one of them said, in a way that I genuinely couldn't tell was sarcastic or genuine (he's one of those people) 'Gemma's just dead normal.' So either it was a hilarious reference or everyone in my book club just buys into really uncomplicated narratives (I couldn't say what they like in their reading matter because most months everyone just piles in on the book. It's cathartic, perhaps? We all just go to eat cake and drink tea and hot chocolate basically.) [Sounds great, can I come? - Steve]

Her hair down makes her look exactly like Jade English from The Apprentice. Who is probably this year's female hottie if you're wondering whether that's a compliment or not. The dress she's wearing is really weird, it looks like it has strings coming off it, a bit like a fly curtain (what happened to them? Did all flies die out after the 1970s and 80s decree that all households must use them?). I guess strings on an outfit could work if you pull them to reveal something more sexy as some kind of costuming trick, but I'm not sure pulling off a Bucks Fizz-themed rumba is going to happen in a semi-final. Although Aljaž is weird as fuck this series, so...

Their VT features Gemma being really upset and struggling (spot the theme of these), so we get to meet her supporters: men in high vis jackets and people with glow sticks.  So she'll be able to spot her fans in the dark, anyway.

Their rumba is being danced to 'Beneath Your Beautiful' (and I believe we discussed our thoughts on the grammar in this way back when) and, I’m sorry, but that dress - it’s so, so ugly. Gemma looked very nervous throughout, rather than romantic and sultry. Her movement isn’t terrible - it’s stilted in a couple of places, but not quite as ungainly as 'Gemma rumba' might suggest on paper. It doesn’t have a huge amount going for it in terms of content, however, and there are a lot of moments where they're standing still - not just posing, more waiting for the next movement to begin.  Not a car crash but nor was it a triumph and it's one of those dances that nobody will remember in a week's time. [I actually thought this one was pretty decent - I see where you're coming from in that not a lot happened in it, but I thought she danced the basics well. - Steve]

Darcey says there was a 'lovely aura' between them. Do auras go between people? I thought they were an individual thing, now we have to worry about them flitting about and getting in the way of dancing? Darcey says she can see how hard she was working on a straight leg she wanted some more breathing into her body so that it seemed more expressive and emotional. In the audience, or a nod along. Shirley says she has a beautiful set of pins and complements Aljaž on his choreography, but she does think it lacked musicality. Bruno says it was very nice and not smutty. The camera really misses a trick here by not cutting to Brendan I am disappoint. He says it did look as though she was overthinking, which stops the flow of the movements throughout the whole body-an actual Bruno critique that makes sense, guys. I’m a little bit worried. Darcey says Craig scored her a six last week and asked if it was better tonight. Tess, have you not learned that asking that question never goes well? He says he agrees with the others - the straight legs and the hip action worked, even though her upper body wasn’t working as hard. However, he loved the routine.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia reminds us that Gemma gets up at 430 every morning and is probably entirely burnt out by now. Scores: seven, eight, seven, eight for a total of 30.  Claudia plugs the website by saying this week Craig will be talking us through his favourite condiments. I like to hope that Claudia’s surreal gags about the website are her way of burning it for the lack of content. [I keep hoping she's saying all this in a firm belief that doing so means the web producers actually have to provide that article now. - Steve]

We now come to Debbie and Giovanni. I kind of want to say our final couple of the evening, but of course we have to go through all of this again in a minute. Anyway, her hair's been curled up and put into a high pony and it really doesn’t particularly suit her, sorry Debbie, not your fault. Their VT replay how they got good comments last week, but their favourite was Craig purring at them even though he gave them a nine when everybody else gave them a 10. I love how all the contestants on the show gets so super needy for any tiny little bit of praise from Craig, it’s like a really abusive parent/child dynamic. Their supporters are groups of women, people who like a good scarf, Anna Karen lookalikes.

They are jiving to 'I’m So Excited' and Debbie’s dress is also really unflatteringly cut and is quite reminiscent of school gym skirts in its fitting. She’s dressed like somebody far younger than she is-and I’m not talking in the mutton dressed as lamb kind of way, just that it's really inappropriate styling that looks awkward and makes her look uncomfortable. As for the dancing - if you watch Giovanni only, it’s amazing. If you look at Debbie, however, it’s a different story altogether. There’s no denying her energy, but good God this is a laboured mess. There’s no sharpness in her kicks and flicks - it all looks incredibly lumpy and ungainly although performance wise her face is selling it as much as possible. Would her waltz have been much better than this? Of course it would. Sorry Debbie, I still love you. Now, give us a perfect foxtrot. I only hope Babs McGee was at her jive class tonight rather than watching that because I’m pretty sure she could have given us much more exciting jive. Actually, can somebody check the rules? Are relatives allowed to sub on, because if that’s not in there, I think they missed a trick by not bringing her out at this point. And while you’re looking at those rules can you clarify if there really is such a thing as a 10 second rule and if it actually applies to anyone other than Debbie, just asking for a friend. You never know when that might come in handy as a piece of knowledge. 

As I say that, we cut to Babs McGee in the audience. She's smiling, such a trooper. I guess that’s what they talk about when they refer to blitz spirit. She has a glamorous lady sitting next to her who must be Debbie’s sister - either that or a Debbie McGee lookalike hoping to cash in on her resurgent fame.

Shirley says she was worried because Debbie has a lovely straight leg and she didn’t know whether the jive would suit her, but Debbie did a good job of bending her knees and she also praises Giovanni’s choreography. Bruno says Debbie always 'delivers on time and in perfect condition'.  He says her timing was incredible-and that she maintained her energy throughout. Craig says it lacked a little attraction and her body could have been over her feet a little bit more and it looked a little bit spiky instead and her facial expressions were reminding him of judgement. We cut to him pulling a face at Craig-come on Lindy, being told Debbie McGee looks like he will surely a compliment? Not for her. Darcey praises her energy and the neatness of her kicks. She asks what Debbie's taking and says she wants some of it. He's called Giovanni and not sure she'll be relinquishing him any time soon.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says she’s like a unicorn. Always horny? Scores: seven, nine, nine, nine for a total of 34 and I love Debbie very very much, but that is some classic overscoring, right there.

Time for a halfway leaderboard?

1. Alexandra and Gorka - 39

2. Joe and Katya - 35

3. Debbie and Giovanni - 34

4. Gemma and Aljaz - 30

5. Mollie and AJ - 24

Claudia’s comedy corner now and she says it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tess says 'what elephant in the room, whether or not Mollie and AJ are dating?' (The punchline is, obviously, that there is a real elephant in the room according to the sound effect). The audience actually makes noises approaching boos at this and when the audience boo something like that, you know you've gone too far (or you should know that anyway). This show always likes to hint at its showmances but I can’t recall it being as overt as this before, except maybe with Georgia and Giovanni, and it all feels rather uncomfortable. I’ve seen Tess taking a lot of flak for this, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t write the script. Anyway, a) it’s a bit naff and feels unfair on Mollie and AJ and be b) any reference to elephants in the room that doesn’t have anything to do with Alexandra Burke.com is a poor, poor show.

Joe and Katya are back for the second dance of the evening and they are dressed in some very weird grey outfits in multiple hues with chain like rings on them – Fifty Shades product placement? As it’s the semi-final, we get our annual trip to judges' holodeck. Joe is the surprise contestant still, allegedly, despite being a front-runner from relatively early on and certainly over the last few weeks. His strengths are acting and attention to detail and they mostly gloss over his weaknesses. (I'll help you out - Party Latin, Katya's personality, worrying echoes of Tom Chambers). With their Argentine Tango, Darcey is worried about the lifts and Shirley is looking forward to the ganchos. Craig thinks it could be quite a good routine and we also see some training footage where Joe stands on Katya's foot. Hilarious.

They are dancing to Rag and Bone Man's 'Human' and it begins with Joe looking at himself in one of those giant mirrors they like to get out every couple of weeks or so - usually for the men because god knows how apoplectic the internet would go if a woman dared to have that level of confidence. He does a load of posing in front of it and it is the campest thing I’ve seen in... at least a week. The dance itself is a bit of a weird one. It has elements of contemporary and uses them with the more traditional Argentine Tango moves. There is a very weird lift where he holds onto Katya's foot which I would have liked more if they didn’t spend ages building up to actually getting her into hold and got on with it quicker. The legwork is a mixed bag-in places it’s good and then there are other places where it looks incredibly awkward and stilted. The dance is much more of a showcase for Katya than Joe, and she spends a lot of it in front of him masking him from camera, which is in the best tradition of strictly female pros, I guess. There’s then a really bizarre but quite fun bit where they do a strange kind of front-facing somersault thing where she is picking him up by his ankles. I don’t know what was going on there but it defied gravity and not in a Frankie Bridge way.  An Argentine Tango though? Not so sure. I wouldn’t have minded the gimmicks if they hadn’t just done a very very gimmicky samba and a fairly gimmicky quickstep after a sort-of gimmicky sort-of-salsa. I think there’s too much overkill on the theming at the expense of dancing. I know earlier in the series I thought Katya had given him some interesting choreography in places but I’m wearing of it quite rapidly by this stage.

Tess says she’s never seen anything like it before. You could say that about many things on the show, Tess, it doesn’t make them any good. In fact, isn't that usually the comment you give after comedy routines? Bruno calls it an Argentine Tango from a different angle that was true to the style and feel of the dance and phrases the choreography. Yes, I’m sure Katya had a lot to do with that. I assume it was another Vincent Simone special, but given it was quite different I don’t know if that’s the case - anyone know? [Vincent was credited at the end of the show, so I assume it was at least 99% his work, though it wouldn't surprise me if that final lift was shoved in there by Katya - Steve] He then babbles incoherently cos Bruno gonna Bruno. Craig says his steps were little plodding and obvious and he could do with a looser leg in the ganchos. Craig’s all about loose legs this series isn’t he? He did think the inventiveness paid off, however. Darcey again praises the choreography and his strong core whilst Shirley says again that he is the dark horse. Basically the judges are on autopilot and are just repeating their stock phrases for this and I thought we might have lost that when Len boogied off (that was meant to say buggered off but in this case I prefer Dragon's rehashing). Must try harder, all of you.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Katya doesn’t allow Joe to have any safe words.  In this 'current climate' not sure that's something to boast about, to be honest. Also, I remain bewildered as to how this woman is married to Neil. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35.

Alexandra and Gorka again now and the judges say that she's 'brought her best to the table' (I thought it was usually Kevin Clifton’s partners that bugged about on tables). Bruno says she gets in touch with character really well. Darcey praises her consistency. Her weaknesses are her sickled feet and social media hate campaigns. Her salsa training footage sees her wearing Debbie McGee-esque patterned leggings which is at least one way to try and garner public votes and tears me in pieces as to which of them is going to get my two votes in the final next week assuming they’re both there.

They are dancing the salsa to CeCe Peniston's 'Finally' and I love that one of the random song choice monkeys this year has gone for late-80s-early-90s club classics can we have more of that please. As salsas go, this is head and shoulders above the rest of the ones we’ve seen this series (I appreciate that isn’t necessarily saying much). It’s fun, energetic, bouncy, with Alexandra’s mouth going wild and a weird moment where it looks like she’s giving birth, as well as some unusual lifts, delivered really quickly with easy dismounts. If were having party Latin, then this is the kind of party you would want to be invited to. It ends with Gorka giving her mock cunnilingus and then swinging her legs around his neck in an amazing spin, which is a not very euphemistic euphemism, take that Mollie and AJ. Then they dismount and Alexandra seems to command sparks from her hands in a well timed action on behalf of the lighting team.

We cut to the judges who are dancing and shimmying and rubbing themselves. Well, Shirley and Bruno anyway. Tess pronounces it ‘sol-sa’ and I realise ‘solsa’/‘sallsa’ is probably one of those sconn/scohn things - though, gotta be honest, I’d have thought Tess would be on the side of the flat vowel, the northern-roots traitor. Craig begins by listing moves and techniques: ‘body roll, rotation in the hips, continuous flow’ but does so in his meen judge voice so he gets booed. I suppose, as we've learned from Debbie McGee currently being in one, that panto season is well and truly upon us. Of course he goes into a 'fab-u-lous' and Tess and Darcy both gush about how they love it when he does that. If that’s the kind of thing that gets them excited, they should really watch The X Factor where Simon does it about six times episode on average (I assume he still does anyway). No, seriously, they should watch it. Nobody else is doing and if the viewership doesn’t pick up soon it won’t be long before we have to face Louis vs Sharon on this show and nobody wants that. Darcey praises the amount of detail and says if they’re not in the final she’s going to get into… Bruno's speedos. Shirley screams and Darcey looks like she can't believe what's come out of her mouth, but I'm all for it, hooray for 2017 Darcey. [The rebirth of Darcey has definitely been my favourite thing about this series. Long may it last! - Steve] Shirley says it was super clear with lots of rhythm and it was party time all the way. Bruno starts singing 'I Wanna dance with somebody'. Stop Bruno, that’s reality show poison. Stop it now! Also, as Bruno stands up it looks like he’s got a girdle around his waist - and a badly fitting one at that.

Everyone welcome to the Clauditorium screaming (I think) '10'! Alexandra struggles to get her breath as Claudia tells her she makes it look 'effortless' - not the best object lesson right there, to be honest. Alexandra is having the best time wants to have some fun. Talk to Gorka’s face if you end up in the dance off again. Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for the second 40 of the series and Alexandra’s first. Claudia and Alexandra hug and Gorka, feeling left out, hugs himself. I didn’t even know he had a sense of humour, so good to note. Claudia previews Gemma dancing to 'My Sharona' and says she believes it’s Italian for my Sharon. Ho ho.

Mollie and AJ now - he with a dapper white bow tie and Mollie with her hair tamed into half-braid ponytail with a shoulderless sparkly dress. In the judges holodeck we get more claims from Shirley that they have chemistry between them, judges praising her as being wonderful in hold but say she has a wobbly core and her shoulders end up too high. They admire that she’s been in the bottom two twice and got through it - nobody bothered about Alexandra hitting the bottom, but I guess she didn’t take out an almighty ringer and have to face the public wrath for that (one of the few things she didn’t have to do deal with). Their waltz training features Mollie worrying that there are so many elements to the waltz. Stop trying to make the waltz sound like a hard dance, show. It’s never going to fly. Speaking of waltzes, of all the missing dancers, I think Debbie’s waltz is the one I’m most sad about - primarily because I had to watch her party Latin in all three genres instead of that, which would have been much more suited to her ringability.

This routine, to 'Angel', feels as though it’s been entirely set up for Mollie to have a moment - it opens with her sitting on the steps surrounded by LED candles with the stage lit with moody blue lighting although when she gets into hold with AJ he begins by making strange motions like he is either trying to kill her or operate her like a puppet which is an odd styling choice for a romantic waltz. I guess they don’t want Joe and Katya to have all the BDSM play. Once they get going properly, though, it’s mostly a sweet lovely charming waltz and Mollie looks more comfortable than she has done in many of her dances. There’s a part where her feet seem to get a little lost, but she manages to keep her upper body in character rather than falling to pieces. It ends with a nice floor spin and then they go and sit romantically among the LED candles.

Darcey calls it a serene, romantic, waltz and praises her posture but says towards the end her shoulder started coming up and she felt there was still an edge of nerves in there which made her arms look a little stiff. Shirley says she is much more comfortable in the waltz than the Samba. No shit Shirley. She praises Mollie’s efforts and says although there was a little hiccup, she’s a gorgeous girl who executed it well. Mollie starts crying at this point, in a very reserved, very Mollie kind of way. Bruno says the waltz is hard because it needs a lot of control and the most factually that beautifully and despite the slight mistake it was much better. Craig says that besides all of the criticisms about her mistakes in a shoulder, she has redeemed herself. Tess wipes a tear from her face and says don’t cry, your gorgeous. Tess Daly there, reinforcing the beauty equals happiness myth. I guess once the model. In the Clauditorium, Claudia reassures her that the judges liked it much more than her previous dance. Mollie stutters that she was crumbling away and Claudia says there’s no crumble other than apple, which she'll bring to her later. Scores: eight, eight, eight, eight for a total of 32 and Claudia says this is the highest score of the competition. Mollie looks very surprised that but seems happy, which is quite nice given the it’s been a difficult night for her, she’s the only one of the semifinalists not have joined the 10 club and, barring a final-related miracle, is unlikely to.

Gemma now and Tess introduces her by saying she’s had an up-and-down competition in case you weren’t sure which two contestants the judges would rather not win. Judges holodeck opens with criticisms of Gemma rather than praise, talking about how her Latin is pretty bad but have American smooth demonstrated real promise. They say they liked her paso so they hope this will translate into Tango. Craig says they need to see perfection for finalists and wonders if Gemma can deliver and Bruno answers with making a ? shape in the air. In training, Gemma is struggling to memorise the tango. Ruth Langsford managed to pull this one off but I guess it is always the dances you least expect that fluster them.

Gemma is in green, with her hair knotted up in an unusual arrangement giving her a spiky mohawk kind of vibe. She’s also wearing very dark severe make up to accentuate the face of rage she wears throughout. Unusually for Gemma, she looks quite scared in places, holding onto Aljaz for grim death and whilst there is a sense of intensity in her face, her body feels a little rigid and some of the movement lacks precision. It was okay, but I thought she would suit that dance a little bit more than she did.

Shirley says she did well, especially as she had to master two dances. Bruno loved the determination, her figures and her lines but says when she over pushes things it can look a bit too snappy. Craig says he would like some lovely shaping in the upper body and her left hand was in the wrong position but he loved it and thought it was great overall. Darcey repeats that she loves her determination and passion and her facial expression showed she was going for it. She praises - you guessed it - Gemma’s core. If some fitness DVD company isn’t trying to market some Darcey Bussel core workout soon, then they’re missing an opportunity. I mean, I’m not sure anyone would actually buy it, but who would have thought that Sonia from EastEnders and Charlotte from Geordie Shore would make a success of those things, so who knows? [Funnily enough... - Steve] The buying public are weird, is what I’m saying. Scores, eight, eight, eight, eight for a total of 32.

In the background, we see Janette looking happy and Pasha looking like didn’t think much of that at all. Either that, or he’s just forgotten what it was like to get this far in the competition and is wondering why Aljaz gets so few duffers.

Final couple of the night - Debbie and Giovanni. Judges holodeck reminds us that she works hard, is mature, has lovely legs. Bizarrely they don’t cover Debbie and Giovanni’s chemistry despite them having bucketloads of it. The only vague notes of criticism they have is that her Latin isn’t quite good enough. I think they could have gone to town a bit more on her, Alexandra and Joe’s weaknesses but I guess they want to really reinforce who their three preferred finalists are.

They are dancing the foxtrot to 'Isn’t She Lovely ' - I see what they did there, even if there is some weird dissonance in getting your oldest contestant to dance to a song about a newborn baby. Debbie is in a lacy nude and black fully skirted dress and Giovanni in tails - I've been waiting all series to see them do this kind of routine, so I’m glad they got to do it eventually. It’s the full Hollywood glitz and glamour, with some sweet romantic touches and, sure, it’s a foxtrot which isn’t the most exciting of all the dances, but given the abysmal quality of the majority of foxtrot this series, very refreshing to see one that actually works well. The chemistry between the two of them comes across really nicely as well - lots of smiling and laughing together, with some really cute sidesteps and hand movements. It ends in a parade of tickertape which, if you’re into subliminals (or even very unsubtle gimmicks), makes it look like she’s already won the thing. I don’t think anyone other than Joe is likely to, but I would be very pleased with the Debbie McGee victory - it’s like the time when a group finally won the X factor - maybe a mature contestant could finally win Strictly. [Well, Joe's 42 so he'd still be the oldest winner we've had yet. - Steve]

Bruno says if she’s not through to the final, he will wear Darcey's tutu to to with no knickers and a tiara. Even though I really want Alexandra and Debbie in the final, there is a slight disappointment that either way we won’t get to see both Bruno and Darcey living up to their promises. Of course it may also be good for the nation’s mental health that they don’t do that. Come to think of it, aren’t we due many occurrences of Len pickling his walnuts? Got to be at least a fraction more entertaining than half the content of The One Show at any rate. Everybody apart from Craig is in hysterics - especially Bruno who is laughing so much is crying. Craig says they were out of hold a bit too long and thinks that Giovanni might know that - Giovanni clearly doesn’t as he says no no no and asks Craig for clarification. He doesn't get any. Do you think we will hear of that rule ever again beyond this series? Or beyond Debbie's ballroom? That aside, Craig loved it. Darcey praises the smoothness of it and Shirley says there were some beautiful sweeping moments in the dance and she thanks them for closing the show like that.

Tess says let’s see where that leads them on the leaderboard, but they can't be any higher than second, as Alexandra’s already scored 79 tonight. In the Clauditorium, Debbie says she loved doing the foxtrot and she says it’s been hard this week but Giovanni then says isn’t she lovely. 1 million miles more chemistry the Mollie and AJ. Scores: eight, nine, nine, 10 for a total of 36. Giovanni hugs and kisses Debbie some more. I don’t know where his storyline can go next year - obviously comedy contestant would be the on paper choice, but those tend to be older and he can’t possibly top the older lady dynamic he's already had. Maybe if there is an equivalent of Susan next year? Either that or, if he wins the glitter ball (unlikely as anything other than a Joe victory seems at this point) maybe he’ll do the thing that the female pros usually do and quit while he’s ahead unlike the male pros who turn up to cash cheques to ever diminishing returns series upon series.

Final leaderboard:

1. Alexandra and Gorka 39+40 = 79
2=. Jo and Katya 35+35 = 70
2=. Debbie and Giovanni 34+36 = 70
4. Gemma and Aljaz 30+32= 62
5. Mollie and AJ 24+32 = 56

The vote is declared open with glow sticks. There is definitely a frustrated raver on staff this year, isn’t there? We get a recap of the dances, a reminder that everybody wants to be in the final next week, and a trailer for some kids show featuring some very bizarre cartoon versions of Tess, Claudia and the judges. Claudia is the only one that is obviously recognisable.

So, only one show remains before the final but before that we have to lose someone. Will Alexandra or Debbie hit the bottom two yet again? Will Joe not quite have the level of public support we think he does? Or will the likely outcome of Gemma vs Mollie finally happen? Join me tomorrow to find out!