Waltzing through

Series 7, week 2
Tx: Friday 25th September, 2009

Last week Strictly returned! Martina left, as did Matt! Now the remaining contestants have to dance twice, which I understand is VERY DIFFICULT.

Titles!

We are live in London, Bruce and Tess (in another dress with assymmetrical top line. Why does she do this?) fail to dance again, thank goodness, although he does do a weird shimmy across the stage. Bruce is happy that he will be home at 11.30 and will miss Wossy. Corporate loyalty at the Beeb, eh, viewers? Nothing like it!

The pro dancers perform to Three Times A Lady. Hooray, Darren and Lilia are there at the start before the floor gets crowded with the whole mob of them. The choreography is weird. Oh, and now it's turned into some Latino-tinged number that I'm sure I should know, and some of them begin to tango while the rest of them go for a nice sit-down. In short, some filler.

Bruce patronises Alesha about everyone being horrible to her and I think she might cry. Bruno hugs her and Len applauds. More faffing and filler where everyone enthuses about how HARD IT IS to dance TWO DANCES and the standard IS HIGH and all that bollocks. Craig says he is always in a fabulous mood until the dance begins. Alesha nearly hyperventilates with laughter.

Tess steals Bruce's line and introduces "the stars of our show". Too many to type. You know who they are. Although Lynda Bellingham may be drunk.

First up, Natalie Cassidy and Vincent. There is a joke about coffee, biscuits and sex, but I don't really think it is good enough to bother writing down for posterity. Natalie VTs that people are obsessed with her weight. Because you keep having plastic surgery and releasing fitness DVDs, maybe? Just a thought. She complains about her nerves. Bored now.

Natalie and Vincent do some Acting; her movements aren't sharp enough, though there are a few good head turns. She is pouting like Posh Spice, and this looks like a really complex routine for a first dance, with interlocking leg hooking. Len says that Natalie has a really high performance level, and noted that she trod on her skirt at one point. Alesha admires the "role play", fnar, and says it is VERY UNCOMFORTABLE for FEMALE CELEBRITIES to get close to their professional partners ("It's Vincent!" wails Natalie, who has a good point). Bruno flails for a bit, and then admires the difficult routine. Craig loved the adornment and the heads, and the drama at the start and end of the dance, but the middle lacked purpose and intent. Then he gripes about her peculiar hand. Natalie talks to Tess about how exciting it is to be on Strictly. Scores - Craig 6, Len 6, Alesha 6 and Bruno 6 for a total of 24.

Zoe Lucker has been at home for ELEVEN MONTHS with her baby WHICH IS NOT QUITE NEW BUT WAS ONCE. James Jordan has a temper. Zoe did not know they had to do two dances, WHICH IS DIFFICULT. Anyway, they waltz to Someday My Prince Will Come; James's teeth are gritted, Zoe's fleckling is weird, and she goes wrong at the end and he grabs her dress to pull her in the right way.

Len mocks James's hair, James mocks his baldness, oh dear. Alesha says the waltz is HER FAVOURITE and their dance reminded her why. Bruno stands up and starts shouting about "the evil queen of wax" - oh, sorry, "WAGs". Craig didn't like the opening because of the sickly-sweet sentiment, but he liked the rest of it. And Zoe's arms. Tess is proud of Zoe, like that matters to anyone. Zoe starts jabbering and then tells herself to shut up. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Tess tells them it's the joint highest score of the series so far. The series which has lasted for a whole four and a bit hours at the time of broadcast.

Craig Kelly is dancing with Flavia. He thinks his character in Corrie would be good at the tango. Flavia says that it definitely won't be a week one exit this year; well, no, dear, because you're dancing in week two. Craig is excited about being the boss in the routine, even though Flavia is really the boss, and it takes two to tango, or something.

Flavia is dressed as a spider. There are flashing lights. I like it. Oh, fuck, and then the singers begin. Why, why, why? Although the lady who's supposed to be on lead vocal has clearly had her mic turned down, which is funny. Craig liked the bhangra attitude in the music, but the dancing needed more drive. Alesha suggests he turns his hips in more. Bruno stands up again and says something about stomping and better doing more than less. I didn't hear what Len said, I don't think I was listening. Scores - Craig 5, Len 6, Alesha 5, Bruno 6 for a total of 22.

Ooh, it's my Lilia! Bruce says that she and partner Richard Dunwoody didn't get on well at first because he slapped her arse and shouted giddy-up, or something. Richard is the first jockey on Strictly. He has won many races, but is "shocking" at dancing. He says that he hopes Lilia is the Desert Orchid of the dance world. Lilia is all kinds of awesome. Richard has been having nightmares about her; she is tougher with him than previous partners because it seems to work. His posture is screwed because he can't hold his arms up due to injuries. That'll be OK, Richard, you are a SPORTSMAN.

Richard looks nervous but gets some acting in, and Lilia's dress is amazing. I covet it. They waltz to Truly, and though there's a little bit too much Ola-style choreography, it's quite neat in the end. Bruno says compared to the mambo last week, this waltz was a masterpiece, and there is "HOOOOOOOOOOPE!" Craig says it was a nervous start (hey, I just said that!), there wasn't enough rise and fall, and he needs to correct his posture and balance. Everyone boos. Len says facile crowd-pleasing things and mentions that Richard is a SPORTSMAN. Alesha thinks Richard is cute. Oh, come on, Alesha! She says concentrate on one thing - work on just the posture for next week. Richard thanks her, and tells Tess that Lilia has been teaching him to walk. Scores - Craig 4, Len 5, Alesha 5 ("very cute!") and Bruno 5 for a total of 19.

VT about the group dance, choreographed by Karen, who I kind of miss already. Rav moans about being rubbish and I sort of want to slap him, but not in the good way. Karen is being a total bitch to people and making them do press-ups if they are naughty. Brian says Joe isn't as tough as he thinks he is; Ali thinks Brian is cruisin' for a bruisin'. Tess talks to people and asks shit questions before handing back to Bruce.

Bruce introduces Laila Rouass - but doesn't mention Anton until a spiel about dinosaurs and monsters as per Primeval. She VTs that she is competitive but has a phobia about singing and dancing in public. This MAY not be the job for you then. Anton is happy with his competitive and attractive partner. He says he has been "saving up" all his dance "for a number of years, and she's going to get it all." Ewwwwwwww.

Laila's dress looks a bit daft. For a beautiful laydee she should really be looking better than that. Bad wardrobe. Also, I don't really like this tango. It's pretty, but there's too much intricate boring stuff; if I wanted to watch this sort of dance I'd watch bloody Vincent and Flavia. Bruce wishes Anton good luck with Hole In The Wall and plugs it relentlessly. Alesha tells Laila she looks incredible, and it is refreshing to see Anton with someone who could go a long way. She thinks it did have drama and passion. Ah well. Bruno pouts at Anton and then stands up while gesturing about "lush sensuality", as Alesha cackles in the background. Craig criticises Laila's hand for being like a wet fish. Len says he is not bovvered about the total cock-up they made in the middle. Of course you're not, Len. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30 - level with her mate and rival Zoe. Laila says that Zoe will have to wait until tomorrow to get her bum kicked; Tess says Laila may take Anton all the way; Anton says that's a lovely thought; Bruce says he wishes Anton wasn't his love-child.

Bruce does a really tedious non-joke about cricket being complicated, because Phil Tufnell is next to dance with Katya, who is FOREIGN and DOESN'T UNDERSTAND CRICKET. She's previously worked with Richard Gere and Antonio Banderas. I think we can guarantee that Tufnell will be significantly more shit than them. Actually, it's not as bad as you'd expect - quite light, with a smug waltz face, perfectly decent. Which means that Len will give him many points for exceeding low expectations!

Ah, Len is bowled over! AHAHAHAHAHA! He reckons it was the best footwork of the night so far, and the whole thing was better than he expected. Alesha says that she can tell Tuffers is taking it seriously. Bruno is going to call him EASY DARS EET FEEL, apparently. Craig says the show is full of surprises, and Tufnell is one of them in a very respectable way. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 29.

Bruce makes a terrible joke about free love which I shall not bother to recap. Jo Wood happily admits that people know her best for being married to Ronnie of the Rolling Stones, and says she has been hanging out with bad boys all her life, so she's used to people like Brendan. He fears he has met his match. Heh. He seems to be utterly thrown by the fact that she's a grandmother.

Oh NO, they are not seriously going to tango to the fucking Strictly singers' fucking dreadful version of Let's Dance, are they? Um, yes, yes they are. Fuck's sake. It's so, so bad. How is a person supposed to watch dancing when this torture is going on. Actually, Jo's cocking it up so badly it's probably best not to watch it. Brendan is smiling and whispering encouraging things. Craig says it was careless, slovenly footwork with lazy head movements, and says people called Jo are bad at dancing (a reference to Calzaghe, which seems to bamboozle Bruce). Len says she has let nobody down, but as it went on she lost focus. Alesha hopes that Latin will be her dance, and admits that once she came out and blagged half of a paso (Bruno seems to be shocked by this - this was a CLASSIC day, don't you remember?). Brendan is proud of Jo. Drink! Scores - Craig 3, everyone else 5 for a total of 18.

Laydeez whoop for Ricky Whittle, who is GOOD AT SPORT, although he is an ACTOR. Ricky VTs about wearing his pants a lot in Hollyoaks. He says he has rhythm (possibly natural, I'd have thought?). He and Natalie are very happy to be dancing with each other because they are both so beautiful. Natalie is tying him up, or something. She's running a boot camp, or something. I hate the sash on her dress, and the skirt looks like it's been torn apart by a rabid dog. Also, they do the stupid walking-away bit at the end, as over-elaborated by Brendan and Lisa in the Series That Never Happened. Bruno squeals about Ricky slipping in the middle of the routine, but it was still good. Craig says it was a beautifully choreographed routine, covering up Ricky's bow legs, so well done to Natalie for that. Natalie shifts her skirts across in front of Ricky's knees. I quite like her now. Len says if his Latin is any good they will be the most formidable couple EVER. Alesha congratulates Natalie, and says something a bit confused about the music, before pronouncing it "the best dance of the night", and then that fuckwit Bruce tells Alesha, "You've been WONDERFUL tonight." Twat. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 33. Much hugging.

The group dance is Michael Jackson-inspired, Karen Hardy-choreographed, and is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Chris Hollins is not good at acting this. Ricky Groves moonwalks. Rav cannot do sharp head movements, bless him, because he is too busy nodding in order to keep to the beat. There is an awesome bit where they're all in a line and Ola looks brilliant, because she is. Lynda cannot throw her arms about in time. Ian's got his chest out again. Ali looks RUBBISH. Interesting stuff.

Bruno says that Lynda was ROCKEEEN EET. Craig says that he can't believe he's saying it, but Joe has improved this week. Alesha says Rav's chest was "quite entertaining", she loved Jade and Ian, and then forced Ricky to moonwalk again. Bruce objects to someone else adlibbing, and Alesha howls with laughter. Len is pleased he saved Rav last week. The dancers all whoop for Karen and her brilliance.

Bruce and Tess remind us that tomorrow there will be voting and also elimination, and to help us decide who we like, there's a recap. Also tomorrow, two pro group dances, and Jamie fucking Cullum. Join Steve then!