Last week! All
fifteen couples danced, some more successfully than others; Craig got his ‘1’
paddle out for the first time in years (for Susannah and Anton); everyone
(well, us) wondered why Vick was cast as she jived poorly, and Steve moaned
about the length of the show when I have all that AND a results show to contend
with this week. [You're this nation's greatest hero. - Steve]
Onwards! I love how,
even in the credits, Susannah looks incredibly uncomfortable about the whole
thing.
Tess and Claudia enter, on Aljaž and Anton’s arms. Anton is wearing a full-on grey top hat and
tails get-up, like he’s attending a wedding in the 1980s that thinks a bit too
much of itself. Tess is wearing a strappy
black dress and Claudia a deep navy one with some sort of fringed back, which
is a little odd, but from the front, they’re both looking good, keep it up
wardrobe. Speaking of wardrobe, the
judges enter, and Darcey is wearing a skirt with a split up the side and
for some reason decides to swirl it about in such a manner that it repeatedly
exposes her knickers. There really is
nothing like a dame, huh? #callofcom
The contestants enter: Katie and Gorka; Charles and Karen;
Faye and Giovanni; Seann and Katya; Stacey and Kevin; Ranj and Janette;
Susannah and Anton; Lee and Nadiya; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Kate and Aljaž;
Graeme and Oti; Vick and Graziano; Danny and Amy; Ashley and Pasha. Everyone apart from Graeme is putting in
effort to the theme tune – Susannah more than she put into her dance last week.
We’re reminded of the leaderboard from last week and that
this week’s scores will be added to it, and then we’re into the dances with a
minimum of fuss, well done everyone.
Stacey and Kevin are first now and she’s worried about doing
the cha cha cha. Going on the evidence
of last series’ cha chas, I can understand why.
The comedy part of their VT involves Stacey pretending to interview him
for a documentary in which we learn that he had cereal for breakfast and is
staying in a hotel in what looks like a posh part of London, stalkers take note.
They’re dancing to ‘I Came Here For Love’, and are both
wearing red, but Stacey’s dress has a weird turquoise hotpant thing going on,
and Kevin’s shirt is stripy, like some tarted up pyjamas. Still, going on the preview we had, there are
people in the cast who look worse tonight. And on the subject of not looking good, this dance is not a great fit
for Stacey. I assume that VT was there
to pre-warn us, because if it was meant to be the precursor to a ‘you were
struggling but came out and smashed it narrative’, something went awry. Stacey starts OK in hold, but quickly
something goes wrong and she looks uncomfortable; her arms are an awkward mess,
especially when out of hold, then her legs go all bandy and, at the end, Kevin
does some weird bow-legged thing that is maybe meant to be a hip thrust but
just looks a fucking shambles. Mercifully, it all only lasted about thirty seconds because there are
another fifteen of these to go. And she
looked like she might have promise last week – oh, well, perhaps she’s just a
ballroom girl. From the balcony,
Susannah’s all ‘you expect me to clap that shit?’. Even SUSANNAH disapproves. Ouch.
Tess says Stacey looked like she was living her best
life. I’ve seen her look more
comfortable in war zones, Tess. We
welcome the band and the singers – Lance, Andrea, Hayley and Tommy –
classic. Shirley says she needs to be
more spatially aware but has ‘mega talent’. Bruno calls her ‘spicy Stacey’ and says she has all the tools necessary
but she needs consistency. Craig says it
was a bit unruly and also too contained, which feel like possible
contradictions, but hey. Darcey says her
energy is contagious and she knows that the cha cha cha is difficult and Stacey
needs to learn foot placement, but she’ll be fine if she keeps the energy up.
In the Clauditorium, Stacey says she doesn’t know why the
cha cha cha was harder than the quickstep (even though the cha cha is a typical
week 1 dance), did they mention they did a week 1 quickstep for the first time
ever last week focus on that please. Also Stacey’s mum and boyfriend are telling Kevin what she should eat,
which sounds a bit creepy, unless she’s like Aiden on The Circle and just eats
Pot Noodle when left to her own devices. [Oh, so *you're* the one watching The Circle. - Steve] Scores: 4, 5, 5, 6 for a total of 20.
Neil and Luba are made use of by bringing on a big yellow
curtain through which Rob Beckett randomly turns up to read the terms and
conditions. (And apologies to Rob that I
forgot his name and had to google ‘teethy comedian presenter blonde’ to remember). [Did it suggest anyone else? Now I'm curious. - Steve]
Karen and Charles now, and apparently they’re calling
themselves ‘team 12-pack’. Are they the
series villains? Because I could
possibly get behind Karen being the new Brendan. Their VT shows Karen laughing that she ‘feels
bad’ for Charles when he struggles with ballroom hold.
They’re doing a quickstep to ‘Sir Duke’ but it’s week 2 so a quickstep ain’t nothing special, kids #battleofthecliftons. It’s very jazzy in the arrangement, with
giant trumpet projections and some stools that resemble the trumpet valves that
they begin and end on which is cute. [Still think they missed a trick by not playing in a giant fart sound when they sat on the valves though. - Steve] Charles is in tails and Karen in a lovely dress and they both lucked out
on the costume front, which adds to the charm of the routine. They’re selling
it in terms of energy and performance, but the foot work is a bit sketchy in
places; at one point he looks like he might trip over his own ankles and
towards the end they are out of time with one another – but he doesn’t let it
faze him and he keeps up with the crazy speed pretty well, even incorporating the
splits without the pace dropping. I’m
glad for Karen that she’s got someone who might be a contender - and they seem pretty well-matched.
Bruno says he was suave and led well, although there was a
mistake. Craig says Charles was one beat
ahead of her in the last section, his top line was wobbly and he missed several
heel leads, but he loves the performance and the way Charles styles things
out. He also loved the jazz split. Darcey says the 1920s’ jazz styling really
worked and she loved the lightness, but he has a ‘little ticking head’ he needs
to watch. Shirley says he set her hear
aflutter in that suit and she agrees that he flew across the floor and was
light on his feet and thought Karen might have made the mistake, although
Karen’s face suggests not. [Karen absolutely not being here for the pro schtick of "no, I made the mistake, my celebrity partner is blameless" is the most I've ever liked Karen. - Steve]
In the Clauditorium, neither of them claim to know what went
wrong and Karen says she’s proud of him. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 25 and we’re still at the stage where
5s get muted confused silences and 6s huge whoops, for those keeping track.
Katie and Gorka now, ready to bring us our first paso of the
series. Their VT story is that Katie
wants to GAIN CONFIDENCE and if that kills the nervous wreck storyline this
early in the series, I’ll be very happy.
They’re dancing to ‘Confident’, with Katie rocking that
crimped hair look this show’s stylists use to mean RAWK. She is trying her best to have paso face, but
it just looks like a kid play-acting. She starts out stompy and awkward; it improves a bit as they get into
hold and the dance gets going, but then it gets stompy again and she struggles
a lot with caping. This was never going
to be a dance that suited her sweet personality but she did at least give it
all a go, to her credit. [I actually didn't think it was stompy at all - if anything, I thought it was far too light-footed. At least a stomp would've been a move in the right direction. - Steve]
Craig says it was stompy and ‘plank-ish’; Darcey says she
was glad to see fewer nerves, but the shaping needs to go right through the
body; Shirley says she could see more of Katie’s inner strength but she went on
the wrong foot early on and struggled to pick it back up; Bruno says she needs
to get more into character but she will be back and be better.
In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells her not to be sad and
Gorka says she’s incredible considering she’s never danced before. Scores: 2, 4, 3, 4 for a total of 13, each of
which Gorka greets with a pissy ‘thank you’. Maybe he is trying to be the
new Brendan? [Lowest paso score in this show's history. Ouch. - Steve]
Graeme and Oti are next. In his VT we learn that he has a ‘massive soft spot’ for Darcey. The curse of Strictly is starting early this
year, huh? We also learn he’s in a
midlife-crisis band singing Commitments songs in the pub because he is a
MASSIVE DAD.
Our first American Smooth of the series is danced to ‘Try a
Little Tenderness’. Oti looks lovely in
yellow whilst Graeme is in a light pink waistcoat and trousers with khaki shirt
that makes it look like the two of them are in completely different
routines. The routine is not exactly a
Michael Vaughan AS triumph, possibly because it’s so early in the series. It’s overblown and clumpy and there’s not
much sense of story or much clarity in the movement – turn the sound off and you
wouldn’t know which genre it was. Heck,
maybe he will have a triumphant jive in a reverse of Michael V’s storyline.
Darcey says she didn’t have a clue what was going on in the
dance; Shirley says an American Smooth foxtrot needs smoothness, sweeping
holds, a lift or two, but it should all have an elegant feeling. Bruno says it’s ‘incredible’ that they have
invented a new dance – the American Clumpy. Craig says he usually looks forward to American Smooths but whilst
Graeme could do the pop/disco stuff last week, this was not his week.
In the Clauditorium, Claudia suggests sending some sweets to
the judges to cheer them up. Graeme says
Oti has been telling him off for his floppy arms and worries about how she will
be backstage. Heh. Scores: 3, 5, 3, 4 for a total score of 15
which… feels a bit high?
I’m begging for a ringer to come along now, but nope, Kate and Aljaž are coming our way. I love them, but I could really do with a
palate cleanser to break up the mid-low pack clump and bring the vibe of this
show up. In the VT, they go to Kate’s
son’s school. Early in the series to get
that gimmick out there, but OK.
Their tango is to ‘No Roots’ and they’re both in navy
velvet, which goes with the lighting, so they’re already starting out with a better chance than poor Graeme. The
dance seems…. pretty good? I mean, this
might just be because of the mountain of mediocrity that has been tonight, but she seems to manage
the movements and pace well throughout, the dance feels true to genre, and it’s
highly watchable, even if it lacks anything especially showy and her ‘smell the
fart’ face is quite something.
They get a standing ovation from Shirley, who says they’re
in it to win it. I mean, probably not, but female news readers do tend to have a higher batting average than you'd expect (am I doing cricket references right?). Bruno
says she is a vamp and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Craig says Aljaž has transformed her. Darcey calls her a cool beautiful lady. I apologise to these two for not believing in
them a couple of paragraphs ago - I should have learned from last week that they could bring the sizzle.
In the Clauditorium, we learn that Kate’s the group
cheerleader who tells everyone they’re doing great in rehearsals. Kate says she has fallen in love with
dancing. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total
of 27, making them the first couple tonight to have improved their score, by a
whole 7 points. Aljaž is ridiculously
excited.
Joe and Dianne are next and I am so relieved to see they’ve
got him out of those suits that make him look like Tony Christie in the
‘Amarillo’ video. Their VT takes us to
Wiltshire to see the kind of thatched houses he used to work on because he has
a ‘proper trade’, he’s not just one of them YouTubers making money for shopping
in Primark (that’s his sister). Dianne is amused by the quaint British traditions that they don’t have
in Australia, where my 30+ years of weekday exposure to an anthropological study into one Melbourne suburb has informed me that the only trades available are teacher, mechanic, doctor, terrible cop, hotelier, coffee shop owner, bar manager, lawyer and gardener (and occasionally stripper but only before marriage and for the purposes of comedy storylines). [You forgot that time Philip Martin was moonlighting as a romance novelist called Philippa Martinez, but I'll let you off. - Steve]
Their Charleston (to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’) starts with them
thatching a roof before they get up and dance. They’re in sparkly check shirts, which look OK, other than Joe having
just his neck button done up, which makes me uncomfortable – surely that’s too
tight? It’s kind of odd he’s had two
very similar dances in a row – it would have been interesting to see how he’d
cope with a traditional ballroom this week. Steve and I were pondering his footwear the other day, and he’s wearing
a take on Converse again this week, for those wondering if he will ever wear
‘proper’ shoes. The routine itself has a
lot of fun and energy to it and his timing and performance are really
good. His footwork is less impressive –
his swivel doesn’t quite work and whilst the Charleston always straddles a
balance between goofy and precise, he strays a little too much to the former. Still, as with last week, he’s showing more
potential than I expected.
Bruno says it was a different interpretation of a Charleston
but worked a treat; Craig says he’s ticking a lot of boxes and Tess replies
that it isn’t easy to tick Craig’s box and that’s an uncomfortable image I
didn’t want in my head thanks Tess. Darcey praises it for being fun and free and she thought the lifts
showed real timing and technique. Shirley says he has a great musical ear and didn’t miss a beat.
In the Clauditorium, Joe says he didn’t know where that
energy came from and relives some childhood trauma where everyone used to push
him in the middle at school discos and make him dance to that song because it
has his name in it. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8,
for a total of 31 and our first score over 30 of the series, which will
hopefully make up for any PTSD flashbacks Joe’s had from hearing that song.
Susannah and Anton are next, and Tess ‘rips up’ Craig’s 1
paddle. #callofcom. We see footage of their dress rehearsal from
last week which looks even more of a carcrash than the actual performance. Then we get Susannah in her PJs crying about
getting a one and her son going off to uni, and it’s all a bit uncomfortable,
let’s move on please. (I don’t know what
else happened in their VT as my DVR cut straight to the middle of their dance
and in other circumstances I might head to iPlayer to find out, but
as I’m not even half-way through a 15-couple episode with a results show to
recap, it ain’t happening. I’m guessing
she vaguely cheers up and vows to be better this week?) [Yeah, pretty much - Steve]
Their foxtrot is to ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’ and
she is one of those who has drawn a short straw, costume-wise, with a cobalt
blue dress that has awful blue feathery sleeves and a really matronly
hair-style. The dance itself is only a
marginal improvement on last week – she is clearly nervous and clings to Anton
for dear life throughout; there’s no finesse in the movement and no real sense
of performance or chemistry between them. Anton does at least drag her around enough to effect the notion of a
ballroom dance, but, unless Vick (as presumably the least popular with the
public) really screws up, they seem a fairly safe bet for first boot.
Craig says even the smoke machine couldn’t cover the complete
‘dance DISAHSTER’. Darcey slaps Craig
(#callofcom) but says she could see Susannah glaze over rather than telling the
story, though at least she kept the footwork and smile going, and that Susannah
will be here next week if Darcey has anything to do with it, which... she does. So you’re promising to give her a 10 now and vote for her in a
dance-off, Darcey? Shirley says the
important thing on this show is to improve week by week (given only two couples
so far have done, well timed comment there) and she has done that, despite the
mistakes. Bruno says Anton could have
got better movement out of a lamppost and he was just dragging her across the
floor and to bring back the maracas as
last week’s was a masterpiece in comparison. OUCH. (What’s the tea here? Because there has to be some, right?)
In the Clauditorium, Susannah agrees that she does glaze
over and Anton does his HA HA MARVELLOUS NEVER DANCED BEFORE ARE WE DONE YET I
STILL HAVEN’T WATCHED THE BODYGUARD FINALE YET AND THE APPRENTICE AND DOCTOR
WHO START NEXT WEEK SO CAN WE HURRY UP AND GET EVICTED PLEASE spiel. Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3 for a total of 12, the
same as last week, with one more from Shirley. Anton tells us to wait for their Charleston.
Trailer for It Takes Two, social media, that dreadful
looking BBC Three thing AND the podcast now and…. that feels like
overkill? I get that it’s the golden
goose and all but does even the most dedicated superfan have time to follow all
of those? I only get through ITT through
watching several episodes at once god bless apps and subtitles.
Lee and Nadiya are next, as we hit the halfway point. Their VT involves Lee ringing up Ranj to try
and get him to prescribe some painkillers but Ranj is not into risking his medical license on screen and tells him to tough it out god weren’t you
in a boyband you don’t hear Susannah Constantine begging me for drugs. [It also involved him in a diner ordering from a waiter without saying "please", and honestly if you want to pinpoint where it all went wrong for Lee this week, I think it was there. - Steve]
They’re jiving to ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, and he is, indeed,
wearing blue suede shoes, albeit in an entirely different shade to his costume,
so they just look nasty. He’s also
rocking Johnny Bravo hair [HEY THERE BABY - Steve], but he is not rocking this dance. The storyline involves him cleaning up an
American diner with a broom and Nadiya is the waitress who’s coming to the end
of her shift and then decides to dance all over the floor he just cleaned and
piss him right off, so he chases her around and then corners her in a booth in
an aggressive way. How tonally on point for 2018. As for the dancing, it’s clumpy, awkward, out
of time for the most part, and he looks like he hates the whole thing, which
might be a character choice, possibly, I guess, but isn’t very in-keeping with
the spirit of jive. Except the Jay and
Aliona ‘we’re never doing that again and sullying its memory’ spirit of jive,
perhaps. Tonight is the gift that just
keeps on giving, isn’t it?
Darcey says ‘what an opening’ – I know we’d all like to
imagine the last hour away, Darce, but it did happen. She liked the faffing about with the broom
(because it’s never too early to get a prop in a routine) and wonders what he
did with it. I’m sure Nadiya has taught
him some tricks but let’s not get too anatomical about things before the
watershed. Shirley says there were quite
a few missteps but he is improving. Bruno thinks he’s getting stronger and tighter. I suspect he’s also marvelling at where he
put the broom as well. Tess then sends
them away before remembering Craig, who says it was laboured but has
‘musicality’ because that’s the contractually-obliged compliment to give to
people who’ve been in groups.
In the Clauditorium, Lee is happy despite having made
mistakes. Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 for a total
of 26, sure, whatever. (Also an
improvement on last week)
At last! Danny and
Amy are here to rescue us with that ringer bling we’ve been craving (I hope). Their VT shows that this personality is the
inverse of Amy’s last one: she can’t stop talking and Danny just nods and
mm-hmmms. HE also has decided he isn’t
going to be first boot, the CONFIDENT MONSTER. Oh wait, he’s a man, carry on.
Their cha cha is to ‘Beggin’ and… I’m not that
keen? He is clearly a confident dancer,
but in some ways maybe too much so, as it looks like he’s trying to do his own
thing rather than truly embrace the style of the dance. (It doesn’t help that there’s another
ballet-esque break in the middle.) His
hands seem a bit awkward, in the manner that Craig would usually call
‘spatulistic’ and his face seems to be trying to look cool, but in a really
forced way. His hips are really good,
though, he hits his steps, and he clearly has great rhythm – I just wasn’t
entirely sure he and Amy were performing the same dance as one another (not
helped by more mismatched costumes – him in a grey striped with rolled up
sleeves and dark green tie, looking like a bouncer who’s ready for a fight; she
in a bright green party-girl dress, like a drunk woman on a hen night he’s
trying to evict from the premises after vomiting all over his jacket) and I
wonder how much they’re actually clicking as a pair. [Mostly what I'm getting so far is Amy getting excited that she's got a ringer, and not actually bothering to teach him much beyond what he already knows. - Steve]
Ugh, week twos are always shit (insert lame joke along the
lines of ‘number two’, you provide the words, I’m just going to half-arse it
like most of the cast are doing tonight).
The audience, however, loved that, and give it a standing
ovation, so let’s see if the judges agree with them? Shirley says he had some good staccato
movements and was attempting to get a straight leg, but that then needs to go
into the trunk of the body in order to ooze some rhythm (I guess that makes
sense to dancers?); Bruno says there was more content than you could possibly
imagine, he was sharp, but nearly missed a chaîné even though he’s got 25 years
experience. Meeow. Craig says it was tight, snatched (enough
with everyone objectifying the contestants tonight!) and he loved it. Darcey loves his posture and keeping his body
so straight, as well as keeping up with the speed.
In the Clauditorium, we learn that Danny is eating spaghetti
Bolognese and lamb chops for breakfast and not putting on weight, and Claudia
gets in a Danny Dyer-t pun. Quick, get
out a DVD in time for the Christmas market, Dan! Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 for a total
of 28.
Claudia makes a quick gag about Ranj: ‘he’s got a tiny
umbrella – we’re trying to work out if he’s making a cocktail or going out in
the rain’. For some reason, this really
tickles Tess, and when we go to her for the next link, she’s crying with
laughter and can’t get her lines out, and she’s corpsing with all the judges
sitting behind her, laughing at her straight down the camera. Heh. [I almost like Tess when she's like this? - Steve]
We’re finally (kind of) coming into the home stretch with
Vick and Graziano. She takes us to meet
her family, who all say she’s a right gobby sort, and her mum dances with
Graziano, whilst she fires a BABY WARZ salvo with some cute nieces and nephews
wishing ‘Auntie Victoria’ (what's the betting nana doesn't allow shortened names in her house?) good luck.
They are dancing the waltz to ‘Somewhere’ and they’re helped
by her wearing a lovely white dress with sparkles and him in a velvet tux with
his hair tied back, as well as the starlight filter on the lighting rig (plus
some slightly odd glittery light balloon things in the background that are a
little distracting). This is much better
than last week – she has a nice top line, looks much less nervous and, whilst
there’s a little slip part-way through, it’s a very convincing first waltz that
shows more of the talent we assumed she had when she was cast. [It was properly pandering though. Real playing to the cheap seats stuff. - Steve]
Vick tells Tess she always wanted to look like this as a
little girl and we get the standard ‘princess’ blah – even though they never go
on about male dancers always wanting to look like princes (or even princesses)
good lord it’s 2018 etc. Bruno says they
really captured the music in the dance and it looks like she’s stolen Darcey’s
costume from Giselle. Craig says she
lost it a little in the pivots, but otherwise, she owned it. Darcey says she’s made to do ballroom with
her long limbs, and she was able to control it gracefully. In the audience, we see Rebecca Adlington
secretly fuming that she still can’t get cast, yet they’re letting on YouTubers
and Capital DJs no-one’s heard of, before we turn to Shirley, who said it was
the 'epitome of femininity' (#everydaysexism) but she has an issue with her core and her footwork,
though it was an improvement on last week.
They’re welcomed to the Clauditorium with thunderous foot
stamping and cheers from the rest and Claudia says Vick thought she’d be a
Latin girl but it turns out she might be a ballroom one. [oh good this storyline again, how fresh and original - Steve] Scores: 7, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 27.
Ten down, five to go!
I have no need for a preview and even less need to recap it, so let’s
move right to Miss Ranjie and Janette via Claudia and Tess comparing favourite
cocktails (Tess: a Tom Collins, which feels like one of those occasional
moments where we get a glimpse of the real Tess that is so not what you’d
expect from her, which I always enjoy; Claudia: the one that makes you screw up
your mouth and make funny noises, i.e. a ‘Craig Revel Horwood’ badumtish. Also, I kind of feel that the real punchline
to that joke would have been something involving Bruno that got redacted for
being incredibly filthy). Their training
VT involves Ranj panicking about lifts, like you actually need to lift Janette
– she usually just flings herself around of her own accord with little effort
needed from the partner. Also he doesn’t
know the words to ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ even though they’ve used it on
this show at least eighty billion times and he works with kids so must surely have been exposed to all the Disney.
Their salsa is to ‘Fireball’ (in case you were taking bets
on which performance the singers would choose to screech through this week,
it’s this one) and the storyline seems to be that they’re a couple of deranged
Harlequins hiding from the circus in a cocktail bar, which may or may not be
the same one Danny and Amy were in earlier. I like that Janette has finally embraced the Erin Boag ‘camp the fuck
out of everything’ strategy, as this is almost as entertaining as last week,
with Ranj’s face operating at maximum. His body is quite gawky, but his sheer exuberance makes up for that,
along with Janette’s patented salsa ‘distract them with lots of lifts’ technique and her new ‘stick your heel through your dress and dance on regardless’ move. [I'm not Janette's biggest fan but all credit to her for just storming through that routine with her gusset in her heel, that was impressive. - Steve] Not quite sure what they’re
going to bring to a foxtrot or a waltz, but fingers crossed they don’t go
po-faced with it as I’m really enjoying this partnership.
Craig congratulates Janette for working through the wardrobe
malfunction but says he’d have liked more basic salsa content with more figure
8 rotation in the hips. He does think
Ranj’s performance is tremendous. Darcey
congratulates him for not being thrown by Janette’s wardrobe malfunction and
she loves his smile. Shirley says he was
great at shaking, but in some of the steps where he goes back, he lost the
rhythm, however they should get a 10 for surviving the malfunction. Bruno says all the ingredients are there and
he shakes beautifully but he has to get the hips going. Ooo-err missus.
Claudia congratulates the insanity of their outfits and says
everyone is following them to wherever they’re going after the show. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 for a total of 24.
Faye and Giovanni have the Viennese Waltz and Giovanni says
the hardest part of it is keeping the frame. Are you saying that we’ve been lied to with all those VTs telling us
that the hardest part is not to vomit? Faye’s husband and son come to training, which is very sweet, and her
son doesn’t even do the floss, so perhaps that’s over as a thing now?
They’re dancing to It’s a Man’s Man’s Man's x infinity World and it’s
a very sexy, dark, VW, which is certainly a nice change from the sugary ones we
usually get on this show. It does,
perhaps, involve too much faffing about, but the VW is my least favourite
ballroom dance, so I’m all for anything that breaks up the endless whirling
around. Her technique and performance
are, of course, amazing.
Darcey loves the emotion and performance; Shirley says she
is leading on her toes too much and needs more heel leads to improve her
technique and flow, but she is a beautiful dancer. Bruno calls it one of the most compelling,
dynamic things on TV since ‘the’ Bodyguard, and he thought they both acted it
beautifully. Craig says they both
shattered the old-fashioned dance and to ignore Shirley, because it was
gawwwgous and the technique will come later. So the one from Steps is Craig’s random ‘ignore the technicalities’
favourite what a surprise. Scores: 8, 8,
7 (to boos!), 8 for a total of 31 and the joint highest score of the night, and, indeed, series so
far.
Lauren and AJ now, and Lauren is wearing a severe black
bobbed wig with dark lipstick that make her look like a vampire version
of Louise Brooks, even though Halloween is still several weeks away. In their VT, they are struggling with balance
because of her disability, and Graeme randomly turns up to their training,
possibly looking for somewhere to hide from Oti. Tip to Graeme: if you’re being filmed, it’s
not a good hiding place.
Lauren and AJ are dancing the Charleston to a weird version of
‘New Rules’ which kind of works, I guess? Ish? The story seems to be that
she’s an evil flapper vampire who wants to call her ex, whilst AJ is some
plucky pyjama-and-braces-clad best friend who is distracting her from the
perils of drunk dialling by the medium of dance. She gives it plenty in terms of performance,
and the lifts generally work well despite their concerns in the VT and a slight
nervousness going into them. Her leg
work is not especially great, although her swivel isn’t too bad. There’s some faffing about with a comedy prop
phone box in the middle that actually goes fairly well and this should see her
settle nicely into an upper-mid table position and keep AJ in his young, fairly
inoffensive but bland female partner niche. I demand a mature woman for AJ next year please. I don’t even much care if she’s a ringer or a
duffer, I’d just like to see him in a different kind of partnership.
Shirley praises her performance, although there were some
mishaps and places she looked uncomfortable. Bruno says it’s brave to attempt those lifts in week two and she did
well to recover from the mistake but she needed more attack and clearer leg
work. Craig says there wasn’t enough
energy as you need to go twice as fast in this dance, but he loved the
lifts. Default Darcey says she needs to clean
her moves up, although she has a 'strong core'.
AJ praises Lauren for daring to do the face-planting lift
with only one arm and she says he’s tough in the training room. Scores: 5, 6, 5, 6 for a lot of baffled
silence and almost-applause from the audience and a total of 22.
Our penultimate couple are this week’s ones I forgot were in
it: Seann and Katya. Tess speaks to Romesh
Ranganathan in the audience (sitting next to Rebecca Adlington who straight up
bitchfaces down the camera bless) who says he’s been on tour with Seann and he
thinks he’s going to tank it. And… he’s
broken Tess, who has her terrified ‘does not compute’ face on. Their VT features him saying he’s about to desecrate the Holy
Jive of St Jill PBUI by using the same song (I’m Still Standing) and – shocker!
- Jill Halfpenny turns up to training to put a hex on him. Still, however badly he does, it won’t be
half as sacrilegious as when they sullied the memory of Time Warp.
He’s tied his hair back, in what’s hopefully a conclusion to
the least controversial controversy this show has ever seen, and he and Katya are
both wearing purple, albeit entirely different and non-complementary shades
(again). The storyline is that he’s a
stand-up whose set has tanked, so Katya saves him via the medium of dancing on
prime-time Saturday night TV, which feels somewhat on the nose, no? He looks completely terrified for the first few
bars, and it’s messy overall, save for one or two cute set-pieces, but it just
about feels like a jive. Then they go a bit
overboard with the ‘story’ and he takes to the mic, rips out the hair bobble
and does some sort of running man approximation, before getting back into hold
with Katya, losing the timing altogether and attempting a highly ambitious
trick involving her sticking her leg under his armpit that just seems to leave
them stuck in an uncomfortable position, in what is probably some foreshadowing
of the leaderboard.
Tess calls him a joy to watch as he just giggles. Tess tells Romesh Seann didn’t tank and
Romesh looks at her with incredulity. Then
Seann thanks Romesh for coming on TV’s biggest show to support him when he has
a book to promote. Oh, the bantzzzzz.
Tess passes to Bruno first because of his starring in the video
for the song. Bruno says he did all the
right steps at entirely the wrong time. Craig says it all went horribly wrong, but he could see how much work he’d
put in. Seann says ‘it worked in
rehearsals’. Darcey says there was
intensity in his eyes but it was all off time. Shirley laughs ‘I liked your hair’ and he goes over to hug her.
In the Clauditorium, they’re both laughing so much as Claudia
asks if that’s what it was supposed to be and Katya laughs ‘it was supposed to
be epic!’ Seann takes another pop at
Romesh ‘because he just needs to be on more
telly’ (heh) and moans about his weird duck feet. Scores: 2, 4, 4, 5 (‘for comic relief’) for a
total of 15.
And we’re nearly there!
Pour me a stiff drink (Bloom Rose and Jasmine gin mixed with Fentiman’s orange
tonic is my current jam, thanks), I’m going to need it before I can get into
the results show. Pimping out their
slots (missus) are Pasha and Ashley. Their VT is super boring, Ashley’s mum is proud, yadda yadda. Anyone else find it weird that there’s been a
theme of ‘people’s families love them’, but that’s only been applied to about a
third of the couples. Do the rest have terrible
tragic backstories? Or are we just
spreading the relatives out across a few weeks?
We’re finishing with a cha cha cha to ‘Boogie Wonderland’
and they’ve both been dressed in what look to be the corpses of mirrorballs, whilst several other mirrorballs spin in the
background and the whole room is flecked with sparkly lights. I’m a maximalist, but it’s all a bit extra
even for me, especially with Ashley’s hair blown up to Shakira proportions. It’s a great party routine, though, and
reminds me (unsurprisingly) of Caroline Flack’s best Latin. She performs it as a super-mega-ringer should,
and also I have her as my winner in Monkseal’s prediction league in the desperate
hope a woman might win this year, so go team Pashley.
Craig tells her she is good; Darcey calls her a ‘fast
learner’ (LOL Darcey trying to pretend she’s not the ringiest ringer), Shirley
says she holds her to a high standard and there is still room for improvement
with her legs, and Bruno tunes into my Shakira wavelength by telling her her
hips don’t lie. Scores: 8, 8, 7, 9 for a
series best score of 32 and our first 9 of the series.
Double-epic leaderboard:
1. Ashley and Pasha 29 + 32 = 61
2. Faye and Giovanni 29 + 31 = 60
3. Joe and Dianne 27 + 31 = 58
4. Danny and Amy 27 + 28 = 55
5. Ranj and Janette 27 + 24 = 51
6. Charles and Karen 25 + 25 = 50
7. Lee and Nadiya 22 + 26 = 46
8=. Kate and Aljaž 20 + 27 = 47
8=. Lauren and AJ 25 + 22 = 47
10. Vick and Graziano 18 + 27 = 45
11. Stacey and Kevin 24 + 20 = 44
12. Graeme and Oti 22 + 15 = 37
13. Seann and Katya 18 +15 = 33
14. Katie and Gorka 17 + 13 = 30
15. Susannah and Anton 12 + 12 = 24
So that makes Susannah and Anton favourites to go, but there
are several couples in potential danger there – in particular, I’d wonder if
Seann, Katie and Vick have the fanbases to keep them safe. We’ll find out tomorrow, so join me then!
