Sunday, 21 September 2008

A sense of enormous well-being

Results show
Tx 21st September 2008

Last night! Our eight male celebs danced for the first time! Some were good! Some were bad! Some were Gary Rhodes!

We welcome back the entire horde of celebrities to the dance floor, along with Bruce and Tess, whose decent dress last night was, of course, a fluke - she's back in blue cardboard tonight. Nice to see us, to see us nice, etc.

For those of us who didn't see it last night or have the memory capacity of a Bruce, we get a recap. Gary and Karen were bottom of the leaderboard, and she is visibly pained at being reminded at her failure. Sue Barker didn't think they were that bad. Gary thinks he deserved more than 1 from Craig, because the others marked him higher, like that's an argument. Karen warns Craig to look out for her husband. Why, is he fit? Next came Don and Lilia. He thinks he gave 80 per cent last night. Lilia then goes apeshit at him for keeping 20 per cent in his locker. Dominic Littlewood, of all people, thinks Don should go tonight. Fuck off.

Phil and Flavia are offered advice by Christopher Parker - "his strength is definitely his comedy." Thanks. John and Christina Aguilera were AA Milne characters in ballroom shoes. She is proud of him. Drink! Dislikeable swimming lazyarse Mark and lovely beautiful Hayley didn't expect Craig to be nice because he's Craig. Sue Barker thought Mark was lovely, as did Stephanie Beacham. I don't think they are judging his dancing. Andrew employed the well-known distraction technique of Ola's arse. Tom nearly cried at the end of his routine with Camilla. Austin, Erin and her new face were top of the leaderboard. He tries to be self-deprecating but he clearly thinks he's marvellous. Sue Barker tips him to win the whole thing. Blah.

Len says that Erin always gets men and produces great waltzes. Everyone giggles, because they are all five years old. Bruno is in hysterics, and then mispronounces John's name. Craig also gave Quentin Willson and Fiona Phillips a score of 1 ("deservedly", he interjects) and he basically says Gary is equally shit. Arlene wants the twinkle in Andrew's eye to travel to his feet. Bruce makes jokes about the journey and the possibility of getting stuck elsewhere. Snigger snigger.

Oh, and here are ALESHA AND MATTHEW. I am happy. Winning Strictly was the best thing ever, and she cackles about putting her dancing shoes on again. "It's like a duck to water. Or riding a bike," she says, and then she snorts while Matt spins her round. "I'm gonna vote for Matt EVERY WEEK!" she declares. "I your record," he replies. "Mattesha - coming atcha!" she shouts, and Matt tries to look urban. Then they laugh. Bless 'em. They do their Crazy in Love routine, and as the champion, Alesha now has custody of the pink sparkly dress of YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. [What, no cape? - Steve] Len's applause welcoming them is noticeable by its absence.

Bruce has a little chat to them, and Alesha says she isn't jealous of Christine. Pah. Alesha will be back in a few weeks to sing for us. Yay! Tess is backstage talking to Christine, who says it is overwhelming because Alesha is particularly fantastic, and she wants to hire her as her personal confidence coach.

Time for the professionals to do a group foxtrot. Blah de blah. I don't like group ballroom dances. Dull. I want cutesy Anton-Erin skits to the American smooth. Or alternatively all 32 dancers crammed onto the dance floor for something resembling a routine to I'm So Excited. Anton does not have high hopes for the "mischievous bunch". James and Andrew went to play tennis instead of dancing, and Ola is sulking because she cannot control either of her men. Karen says that Don has great rhythm. Heather agrees, but she is allowed to. Lisa sings along to the track in out-of-tune fashion. I like Lisa, she seems nice. [Me too! I wasn't sure about her before this weekend, but I've warmed to her a lot over these two episodes. - Steve]

This routine is hideous. There is too much going on, and the singers are AWFUL. Poor John cannot kick in rhythm and looks like he will fall over. Vincent and Rachel are miniature pocket-sized dancers. Andrew is stooped over Ola, perhaps looking at her arse. Jodie has a miserable face on. Mark looks like he is concentrating desperately but not having much fun while he's doing so. Then there's a big hokey-cokey at the end.

Len thought Lisa and Brendan were good. Bruno is a bit twisted, and says that Andrew looks like he was going to pass a kidney stone. Craig enjoyed it, and thought Rachel and Vincent were wonderful. Vincent kisses Rachel's cheek. She resolutely keeps her lips well away from him.

Claudia is backstage with Tess. She's had her hair cut into a grown-up style. I don't like it. And she doesn't have enough eyeliner on either. She likes Andrew and Ola. This week she is going to concentrate in her masterclass with Head Judge Len. Remember we'll be doing a weekly round-up of It Takes Two, so check back here on Friday!

As if this show wasn't gay enough, Bette Midler is tonight's special guest star. She has been given her script and plays along with Bruce's unfunny gags. She sings Wind Beneath My Wings and does some arm-flapping motions; James and Ola are our go-to guys for interpretative dance. At the end of the routine, he kisses her nose. Aw.

Nearly time for the results. Tom doesn't want to go. Nor does Phil. Andrew is enjoying the team spirit, and Ola. Mark wants to learn all 14 dances. Don wants to do the tango in a fortnight's time. Gary is hungry and his appetite has been whetted. Any more food references?

Here we go then. The couples through are - Austin and Erin; Mark and Hayley; Tom and Camilla; Andrew and Ola; Gary and Karen. Fuck's sake. The final couple through are John and Kristina, so it's Don and Lilia and Phil and Flavia to dance off.

Same routines as last night, but with more mistakes. Craig chooses the couple who made fewest mistakes - Phil and Flavia. Arlene thinks Phil and Flavia were on their way to taking notice of her corrections. Bruno saves Don and Lilia for being more entertaining. Head Judge Len has the casting vote, and says the performance that was the cleanest was Don and Lilia's. Hooray!

So Phil and Flavia are out in the first week, which doubtless means we'll have to put up with her and Vincent doing bloody Argentine tango as the pro show dance in a fortnight's time. Many platitudes, and they go off for their last dance. Ah well.

Next week, it's the laydeez, and they'll either salsa or foxtrot. Join us then!

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