SPECIAL: Craig, Alesha and Bruno on Alan Carr: Chatty Man, 4th December 2011
Q: What do you get if you cross Alesha Dixon with a large amount of complimentary booze?
A: THE TV HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR.
[Disclaimer: Since Craig, Alesha, and Bruno's appearance on Chatty Man this week was so memorable, we decided it needed immortalising. The below is very much our editorialised take on events, so take it with a pinch of salt. If you want to know how everything actually went down, check out the link above.]
Scene: The set of Chatty Man. So far on this episode, we've had Vernon Kay trying to be all exciting, and Ricky Gervais and Warwick Davis coming on to promote Life's Too Short. Since Steve loathes Ricky Gervais in any context, he retreated to the bedroom for that part of the show and asked his boyfriend to let him know when "that awful man" was gone. Next up: the Strictly judges...
Alan: Performing the cha-cha-chat, put your hands together for the real stars of Saturday night telly, the Strictly Come Dancing judges!
Steve: I seem to recall you singing a very different tune when you had The X Factor's judges on the other week. Hmm.
Craig, Alesha and Bruno enter. Everything seems perfectly normal. So far.
Bruno: Thank you for having us.
Alan: I'm over the moon! Let's have a drink.
Alesha: Oh, fabulous.
In hindsight, the warning signs were there already.
Alan: (to Bruno) I hear you're a lightweight.
Bruno: I am, I'm useless.
Dramatic irony: Is delicious.
Alan: Where's Len?
Bruno: Oh, he's collecting his walnuts. He's got to get them pickled by Christmas. He's very very busy. Please assume that everything I say is a lascivious double-entre unless directed otherwise.
Viewing audience: Does not miss Len in the slightest.
Alan: Hands Alesha a glass of something red, fizzy and alcoholic.
Steve: Doesn't drink much, as you can probably tell.
Alesha: (to audience) Cheers!
Alan (to Craig) You should be celebrating - you've passed your driving test!
Steve: Just as well - he'd clearly need to be the designated driver in this scenario.
Alan: Why have you only just taken your test?
Craig: I get driven, darling. But I bought a car, so I thought I'd better learn to drive it.
Alesha: I find your privilege and entitlement hilarious, luckily.
Craig shows off his shoes. They have SERIOUS Cuban heels and are definitely not DVLA-endorsed.
Alan: Ignore what I said to Borelow and that lot the other week, Strictly is the biggest show on the box. Congratulations!
Bruno: Thank you. (To audience.) Thank you for watching it.
X Factor producers, watching at home: Oh, so THAT's what proper humility looks like. We've been so confused about it for weeks now. Hmm. It's so much less annoying when it's actually sincere, isn't it?
Bruno: We have a fantastic cast and a great time. Basically, we have the greatest Saturday job in the world.
Alan: And Camilla's a fan, isn't she?
Camilla Dallerup: NOT THESE DAYS, I'M NOT.
The Duchess Of Cornwall: Not you, you lunatic has-been. Me.
Alesha: I think she's a bit of a Strictly stalker.
The Queen: Considers Alesha for a Damehood.
Alesha: She knows everything about the show. She even recognised my nan from when I was a contestant.
Steve: To be fair, Alesha, your nans were amazing. They've probably got higher recognition levels than the entire "celebrity" cast of series seven put together.
Alan: Have you asked her on the show?
Alesha & Bruno: Fuck no, we're holding out for Pippa Middleton's Arse.
Alan: How close have you been to Pippa Middleton's Arse saying yes?
Alesha: Cackles at the very idea.
The Audience: Warms to Alesha.
Craig, Bruno and Alesha attempt to encourage Alan to come on the show, but he insists that he's too hip hop for that shit, and demonstrates. Moira Ross hands a note to her successor advising him or her to add "hip hop" to next year's list of dances. Bruno waves his arse. Alesha does a bit of MC-ing. Oh, how I've missed that.
Alan: Who's going to win?
Studio audience: HARRY. Duh.
Alesha: I think a boy's going to win this year.
Craig: Jason's very good, though. I still consider him a contender because this was recorded before he was revealed to be in the bottom two this weekend, despite being third on the leaderboard.
Bruno: Chelsee's very good, and Alex is improving.
Nobody: Suggests Holly Valance has a chance of winning.
Steve: Is disappointed but not surprised.
Bruno: It's too close to call.
Alesha: That's the politically-correct answer. The reality is, all the girls and gays really like Harry, and the vast majority of votes are hormone-induced. That's why I was in the bottom two the same week that Matt Di Angelo only did half a routine and had a woobie meltdown on the steps.
Bruno: Yeah, but he could mess up the freestyle dance.
Alesha: Bitch, please. Nobody pays any attention to that. Last year Kara Tointon finished hers by running to East Grinstead and back, but she still won.
Alan: Anton Du Beke, I feel sorry for him, you know--
Alesha: I don't.
Everybody watching: Begins to suspect that Alesha might be a tiny bit tipsy.
Alan: Do the men ever get hard-ons while they're dancing?
Bruno: Is slightly horrified by this
Drunk Alesha: (waving her now empty glass around wildly as she talks, just to remove any doubt as to whether she's soused or not) Everyone is really frisky on the show. Everyone is horny. The year I was a contestant, everyone was really gagging for it.
Bruno: NO MORE DRINK FOR ALESHA! Yoink!
Alan: Are you MAD? This is trending all over Twitter right now. My ratings are going through the roof! MOAR BOOZE FOR ALESHA!
Drunk Alesha: JUST HOOK IT TO MY VEINS! Chugs directly from the bottle.
Everyone watching: Suddenly realises how much they want to go out drinking with Alesha.
Drunk Alesha: As I was just saying...
The Ghost of Mary Whitehouse: DEAR GOD.
Drunk Alesha: ...you're grinding up against someone for 8-10 hours a day, you're bound to get a bit frisky.
Bruno: I've judged it for nine years, I've never seen any boner.
The BBC Trust: *facepalm*
Alan: Is it true what they say, that the better the dancer you are, the better you are in bed?
Drunk Alesha: WELL I THINK SO ALAN! Honks with laughter.
Alan: Reconsiders his life choices, takes bottle away from Alesha.
A clip is shown of the Argentinian version of Strictly Come Dancing in which two nearly-naked people re-enact a softcore porn scenario. The Argentinian Len Goodman criticises them for "all that mucking about" and gives them a 7.
Drunk Alesha: You'd never get that on the BBC.
Aliona Vilani: Yeah, my choreography's not looking so offensive now, IS IT?
Ad break. A nation goes to set this show to recod on Channel 4+1 so that they may keep and treasure it forever.
Alan: Welcome back. Ed Sheeran will be singing later WAIT NO DON'T SWITCH OFF THE STRICTLY JUDGES ARE STILL HERE!
Drunk Alesha: Has moar booze.
Viewing audience: Hooray!
Alan: We can't talk about Strictly without mentioning X Factor...
Solitary but brilliant man in audience: Boos.
Alan: You must be over the moon that you're beating them.
Drunk Alesha: I genuinely don't look at it like that because I have seen how badly hubris has hit The X Factor this year and I am in no hurry for it to be my turn next.
Bruno: It is great though, isn't it?
Craig: Well, they're all wannabes, and--
Drunk Alesha: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT HUBRIS?
Craig: No, I mean, we've got celebrities on our show and they've got...
Drunk Alesha: Oh, I seeeee. Never mind, then.
Craig: Well, I say "celebrities"...
Drunk Alesha: Anyway, anybody who doesn't work for a PR company or a tabloid newspaper knows that it is perfectly possible to enjoy both shows and to be honest, I doubt the rest of the country could give a fuck.
The rest of the country: Lady's got a point.
Alan: I can't believe Drinky Drinky over here is the voice of reason. I had four stone cold sober X Factor judges on this show about a month ago and one of them actually tried to pretend your show didn't exist. Anyway, why do you think they've fucked it up this year? I mean, I could've asked them myself when they were here, but...well, y'know.
Drunk Alesha: They're focusing on the drama and not the contestants.
Steve: Remembers the rumours earlier this year about The X Factor trying to poach Alesha for their show, and is very glad that particular turn of events never materialised, given what we know now. If Alesha had been the one screaming that BixMix are REPRESENTING WIMMINZ EVERYWHERE, he may never have recovered.
Alan: Alesha, you have turned from a fun drunk to a violent drunk with your talk of flaws on The X Factor.
Craig: Takes Alesha's beloved booze for himself.
Drunk Alesha: I keep just feeling like I'm having a gossip with my mates.
Viewing audience: Wants to be one of Alesha's mates.
Bruno: No one can be successful every year. Just look at series seven of our show. Sheesh, what a mess.
Drunk Alesha: And next year they'll be beating us again, and perhaps the year after that we'll beat them again. The important thing is that the three of us, right here, right now, are being professional and diplomatic about the whole thing, even though I'm wankered, because we're essentially nice people.
Viewing audience: Compares and contrasts this approach with that of Gary, Kelly, Tulisa and Louis a few weeks back, wonders if the X Factor judges might all be in fact self-serving tossers.
Drunk Alesha: JOG ON, CHRISTMAS!
Nobody: Has any idea what she's on about at this point.
Alan: Let's talk the technicalities of dancing, then.
Craig: FINALLY. My chance to shine!
Drunk Alesha: I still know the difference between the correct hand placement in a ballroom hold and the wrong one, even when I'm trollied.
Digital Spy forum posters: Ignore this entirely and start six more SACK ALESHA NOW threads.
Alan: What do I need to know in order to do the charleston?
Craig: Swivel, darling.
Steve: Bloody hell, he was only asking.
Drunk Alesha & Bruno: Mug away shamelessly behind this.
Craig: Come on, then.
Alan: Dons a hilarious costume.
Craig: Demonstrates the charleston, brilliantly.
Drunk Alesha: 10!
The Internet: OH MY GOD OVERMARKING WTF.
Steve: All you people realise that you're basically just undermining your own argument here, right?
Alan: Teach me the paso doble!
Bruno: Does so.
Alan: Fetches a cape.
Bruno: Does some embarrassingly clumsy caping.
Drunk Alesha: 10!
Drunk Alesha: CRAIG! (Holds her paddle next to his.) Now it's 12.
Steve: Actually that way around it's 210.
The internet: MUMBLE GRUMBLE OVERMARKING ALESHA CLEARLY HAS HER FAVOURITES, DOESN'T SHE?
Craig: It's still a 2. You missed a lot of the appels, and I have my integrity, even on this show.
Drunk Alesha: But he made a really good bull!
Nancy & Anton: FFS, HE WAS THE CAPE!!
Alan: Right, I'm going to teach you the lambada. Cue the music! Oh, this is turning me on...
Alan runs to get a pint of milk and empty it all over himself as the dancer in the Argentinian clip did. Quite a lot of it goes over Craig's suit.
Drunk Alesha: 14!
Alan: That's it from the Strictly judges. Now, here's Ed Sheeran!
Steve: Switches off.