Difficult Second Outing

Week 2: 15 Couples Perform - 29 September 2018

Last week! All fifteen couples danced, some more successfully than others; Craig got his ‘1’ paddle out for the first time in years (for Susannah and Anton); everyone (well, us) wondered why Vick was cast as she jived poorly, and Steve moaned about the length of the show when I have all that AND a results show to contend with this week. [You're this nation's greatest hero. - Steve]

Onwards! I love how, even in the credits, Susannah looks incredibly uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Tess and Claudia enter, on Aljaž and Anton’s arms. Anton is wearing a full-on grey top hat and tails get-up, like he’s attending a wedding in the 1980s that thinks a bit too much of itself. Tess is wearing a strappy black dress and Claudia a deep navy one with some sort of fringed back, which is a little odd, but from the front, they’re both looking good, keep it up wardrobe. Speaking of wardrobe, the judges enter, and Darcey is wearing a skirt with a split up the side and for some reason decides to swirl it about in such a manner that it repeatedly exposes her knickers. There really is nothing like a dame, huh? #callofcom

The contestants enter: Katie and Gorka; Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Seann and Katya; Stacey and Kevin; Ranj and Janette; Susannah and Anton; Lee and Nadiya; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Kate and Aljaž; Graeme and Oti; Vick and Graziano; Danny and Amy; Ashley and Pasha. Everyone apart from Graeme is putting in effort to the theme tune – Susannah more than she put into her dance last week.

We’re reminded of the leaderboard from last week and that this week’s scores will be added to it, and then we’re into the dances with a minimum of fuss, well done everyone.

Stacey and Kevin are first now and she’s worried about doing the cha cha cha. Going on the evidence of last series’ cha chas, I can understand why.  The comedy part of their VT involves Stacey pretending to interview him for a documentary in which we learn that he had cereal for breakfast and is staying in a hotel in what looks like a posh part of London, stalkers take note.

 

They’re dancing to ‘I Came Here For Love’, and are both wearing red, but Stacey’s dress has a weird turquoise hotpant thing going on, and Kevin’s shirt is stripy, like some tarted up pyjamas. Still, going on the preview we had, there are people in the cast who look worse tonight. And on the subject of not looking good, this dance is not a great fit for Stacey. I assume that VT was there to pre-warn us, because if it was meant to be the precursor to a ‘you were struggling but came out and smashed it narrative’, something went awry. Stacey starts OK in hold, but quickly something goes wrong and she looks uncomfortable; her arms are an awkward mess, especially when out of hold, then her legs go all bandy and, at the end, Kevin does some weird bow-legged thing that is maybe meant to be a hip thrust but just looks a fucking shambles. Mercifully, it all only lasted about thirty seconds because there are another fifteen of these to go. And she looked like she might have promise last week – oh, well, perhaps she’s just a ballroom girl. From the balcony, Susannah’s all ‘you expect me to clap that shit?’. Even SUSANNAH disapproves. Ouch.

Tess says Stacey looked like she was living her best life. I’ve seen her look more comfortable in war zones, Tess. We welcome the band and the singers – Lance, Andrea, Hayley and Tommy – classic. Shirley says she needs to be more spatially aware but has ‘mega talent’. Bruno calls her ‘spicy Stacey’ and says she has all the tools necessary but she needs consistency. Craig says it was a bit unruly and also too contained, which feel like possible contradictions, but hey. Darcey says her energy is contagious and she knows that the cha cha cha is difficult and Stacey needs to learn foot placement, but she’ll be fine if she keeps the energy up.

In the Clauditorium, Stacey says she doesn’t know why the cha cha cha was harder than the quickstep (even though the cha cha is a typical week 1 dance), did they mention they did a week 1 quickstep for the first time ever last week focus on that please. Also Stacey’s mum and boyfriend are telling Kevin what she should eat, which sounds a bit creepy, unless she’s like Aiden on The Circle and just eats Pot Noodle when left to her own devices. [Oh, so *you're* the one watching The Circle. - Steve] Scores: 4, 5, 5, 6 for a total of 20.

Neil and Luba are made use of by bringing on a big yellow curtain through which Rob Beckett randomly turns up to read the terms and conditions. (And apologies to Rob that I forgot his name and had to google ‘teethy comedian presenter blonde’ to remember). [Did it suggest anyone else? Now I'm curious. - Steve]

Karen and Charles now, and apparently they’re calling themselves ‘team 12-pack’. Are they the series villains? Because I could possibly get behind Karen being the new Brendan. Their VT shows Karen laughing that she ‘feels bad’ for Charles when he struggles with ballroom hold.

They’re doing a quickstep to ‘Sir Duke’ but it’s week 2 so a quickstep ain’t nothing special, kids #battleofthecliftons. It’s very jazzy in the arrangement, with giant trumpet projections and some stools that resemble the trumpet valves that they begin and end on which is cute. [Still think they missed a trick by not playing in a giant fart sound when they sat on the valves though. - Steve] Charles is in tails and Karen in a lovely dress and they both lucked out on the costume front, which adds to the charm of the routine. They’re selling it in terms of energy and performance, but the foot work is a bit sketchy in places; at one point he looks like he might trip over his own ankles and towards the end they are out of time with one another – but he doesn’t let it faze him and he keeps up with the crazy speed pretty well, even incorporating the splits without the pace dropping. I’m glad for Karen that she’s got someone who might be a contender - and they seem pretty well-matched.

Bruno says he was suave and led well, although there was a mistake. Craig says Charles was one beat ahead of her in the last section, his top line was wobbly and he missed several heel leads, but he loves the performance and the way Charles styles things out. He also loved the jazz split. Darcey says the 1920s’ jazz styling really worked and she loved the lightness, but he has a ‘little ticking head’ he needs to watch. Shirley says he set her hear aflutter in that suit and she agrees that he flew across the floor and was light on his feet and thought Karen might have made the mistake, although Karen’s face suggests not. [Karen absolutely not being here for the pro schtick of "no, I made the mistake, my celebrity partner is blameless" is the most I've ever liked Karen. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, neither of them claim to know what went wrong and Karen says she’s proud of him. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 25 and we’re still at the stage where 5s get muted confused silences and 6s huge whoops, for those keeping track.

Katie and Gorka now, ready to bring us our first paso of the series. Their VT story is that Katie wants to GAIN CONFIDENCE and if that kills the nervous wreck storyline this early in the series, I’ll be very happy.

They’re dancing to ‘Confident’, with Katie rocking that crimped hair look this show’s stylists use to mean RAWK. She is trying her best to have paso face, but it just looks like a kid play-acting. She starts out stompy and awkward; it improves a bit as they get into hold and the dance gets going, but then it gets stompy again and she struggles a lot with caping. This was never going to be a dance that suited her sweet personality but she did at least give it all a go, to her credit. [I actually didn't think it was stompy at all - if anything, I thought it was far too light-footed. At least a stomp would've been a move in the right direction. - Steve]

Craig says it was stompy and ‘plank-ish’; Darcey says she was glad to see fewer nerves, but the shaping needs to go right through the body; Shirley says she could see more of Katie’s inner strength but she went on the wrong foot early on and struggled to pick it back up; Bruno says she needs to get more into character but she will be back and be better. 

In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells her not to be sad and Gorka says she’s incredible considering she’s never danced before. Scores: 2, 4, 3, 4 for a total of 13, each of which Gorka greets with a pissy ‘thank you’. Maybe he is trying to be the new Brendan? [Lowest paso score in this show's history. Ouch. - Steve]

Graeme and Oti are next. In his VT we learn that he has a ‘massive soft spot’ for Darcey. The curse of Strictly is starting early this year, huh? We also learn he’s in a midlife-crisis band singing Commitments songs in the pub because he is a MASSIVE DAD.

Our first American Smooth of the series is danced to ‘Try a Little Tenderness’. Oti looks lovely in yellow whilst Graeme is in a light pink waistcoat and trousers with khaki shirt that makes it look like the two of them are in completely different routines. The routine is not exactly a Michael Vaughan AS triumph, possibly because it’s so early in the series. It’s overblown and clumpy and there’s not much sense of story or much clarity in the movement – turn the sound off and you wouldn’t know which genre it was. Heck, maybe he will have a triumphant jive in a reverse of Michael V’s storyline.

Darcey says she didn’t have a clue what was going on in the dance; Shirley says an American Smooth foxtrot needs smoothness, sweeping holds, a lift or two, but it should all have an elegant feeling. Bruno says it’s ‘incredible’ that they have invented a new dance – the American Clumpy. Craig says he usually looks forward to American Smooths but whilst Graeme could do the pop/disco stuff last week, this was not his week.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia suggests sending some sweets to the judges to cheer them up. Graeme says Oti has been telling him off for his floppy arms and worries about how she will be backstage. Heh. Scores: 3, 5, 3, 4 for a total score of 15 which… feels a bit high?

I’m begging for a ringer to come along now, but nope, Kate and Aljaž are coming our way. I love them, but I could really do with a palate cleanser to break up the mid-low pack clump and bring the vibe of this show up. In the VT, they go to Kate’s son’s school. Early in the series to get that gimmick out there, but OK.

Their tango is to ‘No Roots’ and they’re both in navy velvet, which goes with the lighting, so they’re already starting out with a better chance than poor Graeme. The dance seems…. pretty good? I mean, this might just be because of the mountain of mediocrity that has been tonight, but she seems to manage the movements and pace well throughout, the dance feels true to genre, and it’s highly watchable, even if it lacks anything especially showy and her ‘smell the fart’ face is quite something. 

They get a standing ovation from Shirley, who says they’re in it to win it. I mean, probably not, but female news readers do tend to have a higher batting average than you'd expect (am I doing cricket references right?). Bruno says she is a vamp and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. Craig says Aljaž has transformed her. Darcey calls her a cool beautiful lady. I apologise to these two for not believing in them a couple of paragraphs ago - I should have learned from last week that they could bring the sizzle.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Kate’s the group cheerleader who tells everyone they’re doing great in rehearsals. Kate says she has fallen in love with dancing. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27, making them the first couple tonight to have improved their score, by a whole 7 points. Aljaž is ridiculously excited.

Joe and Dianne are next and I am so relieved to see they’ve got him out of those suits that make him look like Tony Christie in the ‘Amarillo’ video. Their VT takes us to Wiltshire to see the kind of thatched houses he used to work on because he has a ‘proper trade’, he’s not just one of them YouTubers making money for shopping in Primark (that’s his sister). Dianne is amused by the quaint British traditions that they don’t have in Australia, where my 30+ years of weekday exposure to an anthropological study into one Melbourne suburb has informed me that the only trades available are teacher, mechanic, doctor, terrible cop, hotelier, coffee shop owner, bar manager, lawyer and gardener (and occasionally stripper but only before marriage and for the purposes of comedy storylines). [You forgot that time Philip Martin was moonlighting as a romance novelist called Philippa Martinez, but I'll let you off. - Steve]

Their Charleston (to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’) starts with them thatching a roof before they get up and dance. They’re in sparkly check shirts, which look OK, other than Joe having just his neck button done up, which makes me uncomfortable – surely that’s too tight? It’s kind of odd he’s had two very similar dances in a row – it would have been interesting to see how he’d cope with a traditional ballroom this week. Steve and I were pondering his footwear the other day, and he’s wearing a take on Converse again this week, for those wondering if he will ever wear ‘proper’ shoes. The routine itself has a lot of fun and energy to it and his timing and performance are really good. His footwork is less impressive – his swivel doesn’t quite work and whilst the Charleston always straddles a balance between goofy and precise, he strays a little too much to the former. Still, as with last week, he’s showing more potential than I expected.

Bruno says it was a different interpretation of a Charleston but worked a treat; Craig says he’s ticking a lot of boxes and Tess replies that it isn’t easy to tick Craig’s box and that’s an uncomfortable image I didn’t want in my head thanks Tess. Darcey praises it for being fun and free and she thought the lifts showed real timing and technique. Shirley says he has a great musical ear and didn’t miss a beat.

In the Clauditorium, Joe says he didn’t know where that energy came from and relives some childhood trauma where everyone used to push him in the middle at school discos and make him dance to that song because it has his name in it. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8, for a total of 31 and our first score over 30 of the series, which will hopefully make up for any PTSD flashbacks Joe’s had from hearing that song.

Susannah and Anton are next, and Tess ‘rips up’ Craig’s 1 paddle. #callofcom. We see footage of their dress rehearsal from last week which looks even more of a carcrash than the actual performance. Then we get Susannah in her PJs crying about getting a one and her son going off to uni, and it’s all a bit uncomfortable, let’s move on please. (I don’t know what else happened in their VT as my DVR cut straight to the middle of their dance and in other circumstances I might head to iPlayer to find out, but as I’m not even half-way through a 15-couple episode with a results show to recap, it ain’t happening. I’m guessing she vaguely cheers up and vows to be better this week?) [Yeah, pretty much - Steve]

Their foxtrot is to ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’ and she is one of those who has drawn a short straw, costume-wise, with a cobalt blue dress that has awful blue feathery sleeves and a really matronly hair-style. The dance itself is only a marginal improvement on last week – she is clearly nervous and clings to Anton for dear life throughout; there’s no finesse in the movement and no real sense of performance or chemistry between them. Anton does at least drag her around enough to effect the notion of a ballroom dance, but, unless Vick (as presumably the least popular with the public) really screws up, they seem a fairly safe bet for first boot.

Craig says even the smoke machine couldn’t cover the complete ‘dance DISAHSTER’. Darcey slaps Craig (#callofcom) but says she could see Susannah glaze over rather than telling the story, though at least she kept the footwork and smile going, and that Susannah will be here next week if Darcey has anything to do with it, which... she does. So you’re promising to give her a 10 now and vote for her in a dance-off, Darcey? Shirley says the important thing on this show is to improve week by week (given only two couples so far have done, well timed comment there) and she has done that, despite the mistakes. Bruno says Anton could have got better movement out of a lamppost and he was just dragging her across the floor and to bring back the maracas as last week’s was a masterpiece in comparison. OUCH. (What’s the tea here? Because there has to be some, right?)

In the Clauditorium, Susannah agrees that she does glaze over and Anton does his HA HA MARVELLOUS NEVER DANCED BEFORE ARE WE DONE YET I STILL HAVEN’T WATCHED THE BODYGUARD FINALE YET AND THE APPRENTICE AND DOCTOR WHO START NEXT WEEK SO CAN WE HURRY UP AND GET EVICTED PLEASE spiel. Scores: 1, 4, 4, 3 for a total of 12, the same as last week, with one more from Shirley. Anton tells us to wait for their Charleston.

Trailer for It Takes Two, social media, that dreadful looking BBC Three thing AND the podcast now and…. that feels like overkill? I get that it’s the golden goose and all but does even the most dedicated superfan have time to follow all of those? I only get through ITT through watching several episodes at once god bless apps and subtitles.

Lee and Nadiya are next, as we hit the halfway point. Their VT involves Lee ringing up Ranj to try and get him to prescribe some painkillers but Ranj is not into risking his medical license on screen and tells him to tough it out god weren’t you in a boyband you don’t hear Susannah Constantine begging me for drugs. [It also involved him in a diner ordering from a waiter without saying "please", and honestly if you want to pinpoint where it all went wrong for Lee this week, I think it was there. - Steve]

They’re jiving to ‘Blue Suede Shoes’, and he is, indeed, wearing blue suede shoes, albeit in an entirely different shade to his costume, so they just look nasty. He’s also rocking Johnny Bravo hair [HEY THERE BABY - Steve], but he is not rocking this dance. The storyline involves him cleaning up an American diner with a broom and Nadiya is the waitress who’s coming to the end of her shift and then decides to dance all over the floor he just cleaned and piss him right off, so he chases her around and then corners her in a booth in an aggressive way. How tonally on point for 2018. As for the dancing, it’s clumpy, awkward, out of time for the most part, and he looks like he hates the whole thing, which might be a character choice, possibly, I guess, but isn’t very in-keeping with the spirit of jive. Except the Jay and Aliona ‘we’re never doing that again and sullying its memory’ spirit of jive, perhaps. Tonight is the gift that just keeps on giving, isn’t it?

Darcey says ‘what an opening’ – I know we’d all like to imagine the last hour away, Darce, but it did happen. She liked the faffing about with the broom (because it’s never too early to get a prop in a routine) and wonders what he did with it. I’m sure Nadiya has taught him some tricks but let’s not get too anatomical about things before the watershed. Shirley says there were quite a few missteps but he is improving. Bruno thinks he’s getting stronger and tighter. I suspect he’s also marvelling at where he put the broom as well. Tess then sends them away before remembering Craig, who says it was laboured but has ‘musicality’ because that’s the contractually-obliged compliment to give to people who’ve been in groups.

In the Clauditorium, Lee is happy despite having made mistakes. Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 for a total of 26, sure, whatever. (Also an improvement on last week)

At last! Danny and Amy are here to rescue us with that ringer bling we’ve been craving (I hope). Their VT shows that this personality is the inverse of Amy’s last one: she can’t stop talking and Danny just nods and mm-hmmms. HE also has decided he isn’t going to be first boot, the CONFIDENT MONSTER. Oh wait, he’s a man, carry on.

Their cha cha is to ‘Beggin’ and… I’m not that keen? He is clearly a confident dancer, but in some ways maybe too much so, as it looks like he’s trying to do his own thing rather than truly embrace the style of the dance. (It doesn’t help that there’s another ballet-esque break in the middle.) His hands seem a bit awkward, in the manner that Craig would usually call ‘spatulistic’ and his face seems to be trying to look cool, but in a really forced way. His hips are really good, though, he hits his steps, and he clearly has great rhythm – I just wasn’t entirely sure he and Amy were performing the same dance as one another (not helped by more mismatched costumes – him in a grey striped with rolled up sleeves and dark green tie, looking like a bouncer who’s ready for a fight; she in a bright green party-girl dress, like a drunk woman on a hen night he’s trying to evict from the premises after vomiting all over his jacket) and I wonder how much they’re actually clicking as a pair. [Mostly what I'm getting so far is Amy getting excited that she's got a ringer, and not actually bothering to teach him much beyond what he already knows. - Steve]

Ugh, week twos are always shit (insert lame joke along the lines of ‘number two’, you provide the words, I’m just going to half-arse it like most of the cast are doing tonight).

The audience, however, loved that, and give it a standing ovation, so let’s see if the judges agree with them? Shirley says he had some good staccato movements and was attempting to get a straight leg, but that then needs to go into the trunk of the body in order to ooze some rhythm (I guess that makes sense to dancers?); Bruno says there was more content than you could possibly imagine, he was sharp, but nearly missed a chaîné even though he’s got 25 years experience. Meeow. Craig says it was tight, snatched (enough with everyone objectifying the contestants tonight!) and he loved it. Darcey loves his posture and keeping his body so straight, as well as keeping up with the speed.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Danny is eating spaghetti Bolognese and lamb chops for breakfast and not putting on weight, and Claudia gets in a Danny Dyer-t pun. Quick, get out a DVD in time for the Christmas market, Dan! Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 28. 

Claudia makes a quick gag about Ranj: ‘he’s got a tiny umbrella – we’re trying to work out if he’s making a cocktail or going out in the rain’.  For some reason, this really tickles Tess, and when we go to her for the next link, she’s crying with laughter and can’t get her lines out, and she’s corpsing with all the judges sitting behind her, laughing at her straight down the camera. Heh. [I almost like Tess when she's like this? - Steve]

We’re finally (kind of) coming into the home stretch with Vick and Graziano. She takes us to meet her family, who all say she’s a right gobby sort, and her mum dances with Graziano, whilst she fires a BABY WARZ salvo with some cute nieces and nephews wishing ‘Auntie Victoria’ (what's the betting nana doesn't allow shortened names in her house?) good luck.

They are dancing the waltz to ‘Somewhere’ and they’re helped by her wearing a lovely white dress with sparkles and him in a velvet tux with his hair tied back, as well as the starlight filter on the lighting rig (plus some slightly odd glittery light balloon things in the background that are a little distracting). This is much better than last week – she has a nice top line, looks much less nervous and, whilst there’s a little slip part-way through, it’s a very convincing first waltz that shows more of the talent we assumed she had when she was cast. [It was properly pandering though. Real playing to the cheap seats stuff. - Steve]

Vick tells Tess she always wanted to look like this as a little girl and we get the standard ‘princess’ blah – even though they never go on about male dancers always wanting to look like princes (or even princesses) good lord it’s 2018 etc. Bruno says they really captured the music in the dance and it looks like she’s stolen Darcey’s costume from Giselle. Craig says she lost it a little in the pivots, but otherwise, she owned it. Darcey says she’s made to do ballroom with her long limbs, and she was able to control it gracefully. In the audience, we see Rebecca Adlington secretly fuming that she still can’t get cast, yet they’re letting on YouTubers and Capital DJs no-one’s heard of, before we turn to Shirley, who said it was the 'epitome of femininity' (#everydaysexism) but she has an issue with her core and her footwork, though it was an improvement on last week.

They’re welcomed to the Clauditorium with thunderous foot stamping and cheers from the rest and Claudia says Vick thought she’d be a Latin girl but it turns out she might be a ballroom one. [oh good this storyline again, how fresh and original - Steve] Scores: 7, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Ten down, five to go!  I have no need for a preview and even less need to recap it, so let’s move right to Miss Ranjie and Janette via Claudia and Tess comparing favourite cocktails (Tess: a Tom Collins, which feels like one of those occasional moments where we get a glimpse of the real Tess that is so not what you’d expect from her, which I always enjoy; Claudia: the one that makes you screw up your mouth and make funny noises, i.e. a ‘Craig Revel Horwood’ badumtish. Also, I kind of feel that the real punchline to that joke would have been something involving Bruno that got redacted for being incredibly filthy). Their training VT involves Ranj panicking about lifts, like you actually need to lift Janette – she usually just flings herself around of her own accord with little effort needed from the partner. Also he doesn’t know the words to ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ even though they’ve used it on this show at least eighty billion times and he works with kids so must surely have been exposed to all the Disney.

Their salsa is to ‘Fireball’ (in case you were taking bets on which performance the singers would choose to screech through this week, it’s this one) and the storyline seems to be that they’re a couple of deranged Harlequins hiding from the circus in a cocktail bar, which may or may not be the same one Danny and Amy were in earlier. I like that Janette has finally embraced the Erin Boag ‘camp the fuck out of everything’ strategy, as this is almost as entertaining as last week, with Ranj’s face operating at maximum. His body is quite gawky, but his sheer exuberance makes up for that, along with Janette’s patented salsa ‘distract them with lots of lifts’ technique and her new ‘stick your heel through your dress and dance on regardless’ move. [I'm not Janette's biggest fan but all credit to her for just storming through that routine with her gusset in her heel, that was impressive. - Steve] Not quite sure what they’re going to bring to a foxtrot or a waltz, but fingers crossed they don’t go po-faced with it as I’m really enjoying this partnership.

Craig congratulates Janette for working through the wardrobe malfunction but says he’d have liked more basic salsa content with more figure 8 rotation in the hips. He does think Ranj’s performance is tremendous. Darcey congratulates him for not being thrown by Janette’s wardrobe malfunction and she loves his smile. Shirley says he was great at shaking, but in some of the steps where he goes back, he lost the rhythm, however they should get a 10 for surviving the malfunction. Bruno says all the ingredients are there and he shakes beautifully but he has to get the hips going. Ooo-err missus.

Claudia congratulates the insanity of their outfits and says everyone is following them to wherever they’re going after the show. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 for a total of 24.

Faye and Giovanni have the Viennese Waltz and Giovanni says the hardest part of it is keeping the frame. Are you saying that we’ve been lied to with all those VTs telling us that the hardest part is not to vomit? Faye’s husband and son come to training, which is very sweet, and her son doesn’t even do the floss, so perhaps that’s over as a thing now?

They’re dancing to It’s a Man’s Man’s Man's x infinity World and it’s a very sexy, dark, VW, which is certainly a nice change from the sugary ones we usually get on this show. It does, perhaps, involve too much faffing about, but the VW is my least favourite ballroom dance, so I’m all for anything that breaks up the endless whirling around. Her technique and performance are, of course, amazing. 

Darcey loves the emotion and performance; Shirley says she is leading on her toes too much and needs more heel leads to improve her technique and flow, but she is a beautiful dancer. Bruno calls it one of the most compelling, dynamic things on TV since ‘the’ Bodyguard, and he thought they both acted it beautifully. Craig says they both shattered the old-fashioned dance and to ignore Shirley, because it was gawwwgous and the technique will come later. So the one from Steps is Craig’s random ‘ignore the technicalities’ favourite what a surprise. Scores: 8, 8, 7 (to boos!), 8 for a total of 31 and the joint highest score of the night, and, indeed, series so far.

Lauren and AJ now, and Lauren is wearing a severe black bobbed wig with dark lipstick that make her look like a vampire version of Louise Brooks, even though Halloween is still several weeks away. In their VT, they are struggling with balance because of her disability, and Graeme randomly turns up to their training, possibly looking for somewhere to hide from Oti. Tip to Graeme: if you’re being filmed, it’s not a good hiding place.

Lauren and AJ are dancing the Charleston to a weird version of ‘New Rules’ which kind of works, I guess? Ish? The story seems to be that she’s an evil flapper vampire who wants to call her ex, whilst AJ is some plucky pyjama-and-braces-clad best friend who is distracting her from the perils of drunk dialling by the medium of dance. She gives it plenty in terms of performance, and the lifts generally work well despite their concerns in the VT and a slight nervousness going into them. Her leg work is not especially great, although her swivel isn’t too bad. There’s some faffing about with a comedy prop phone box in the middle that actually goes fairly well and this should see her settle nicely into an upper-mid table position and keep AJ in his young, fairly inoffensive but bland female partner niche. I demand a mature woman for AJ next year please. I don’t even much care if she’s a ringer or a duffer, I’d just like to see him in a different kind of partnership.

Shirley praises her performance, although there were some mishaps and places she looked uncomfortable. Bruno says it’s brave to attempt those lifts in week two and she did well to recover from the mistake but she needed more attack and clearer leg work. Craig says there wasn’t enough energy as you need to go twice as fast in this dance, but he loved the lifts. Default Darcey says she needs to clean her moves up, although she has a 'strong core'. 

AJ praises Lauren for daring to do the face-planting lift with only one arm and she says he’s tough in the training room. Scores: 5, 6, 5, 6 for a lot of baffled silence and almost-applause from the audience and a total of 22.

Our penultimate couple are this week’s ones I forgot were in it: Seann and Katya. Tess speaks to Romesh Ranganathan in the audience (sitting next to Rebecca Adlington who straight up bitchfaces down the camera bless) who says he’s been on tour with Seann and he thinks he’s going to tank it.  And… he’s broken Tess, who has her terrified ‘does not compute’ face on. Their VT features him saying he’s about to desecrate the Holy Jive of St Jill PBUI by using the same song (I’m Still Standing) and – shocker! - Jill Halfpenny turns up to training to put a hex on him. Still, however badly he does, it won’t be half as sacrilegious as when they sullied the memory of Time Warp.

He’s tied his hair back, in what’s hopefully a conclusion to the least controversial controversy this show has ever seen, and he and Katya are both wearing purple, albeit entirely different and non-complementary shades (again). The storyline is that he’s a stand-up whose set has tanked, so Katya saves him via the medium of dancing on prime-time Saturday night TV, which feels somewhat on the nose, no? He looks completely terrified for the first few bars, and it’s messy overall, save for one or two cute set-pieces, but it just about feels like a jive. Then they go a bit overboard with the ‘story’ and he takes to the mic, rips out the hair bobble and does some sort of running man approximation, before getting back into hold with Katya, losing the timing altogether and attempting a highly ambitious trick involving her sticking her leg under his armpit that just seems to leave them stuck in an uncomfortable position, in what is probably some foreshadowing of the leaderboard.

Tess calls him a joy to watch as he just giggles. Tess tells Romesh Seann didn’t tank and Romesh looks at her with incredulity. Then Seann thanks Romesh for coming on TV’s biggest show to support him when he has a book to promote. Oh, the bantzzzzz.

Tess passes to Bruno first because of his starring in the video for the song. Bruno says he did all the right steps at entirely the wrong time. Craig says it all went horribly wrong, but he could see how much work he’d put in. Seann says ‘it worked in rehearsals’. Darcey says there was intensity in his eyes but it was all off time. Shirley laughs ‘I liked your hair’ and he goes over to hug her.

In the Clauditorium, they’re both laughing so much as Claudia asks if that’s what it was supposed to be and Katya laughs ‘it was supposed to be epic!’ Seann takes another pop at Romesh ‘because he just needs to be on more telly’ (heh) and moans about his weird duck feet. Scores: 2, 4, 4, 5 (‘for comic relief’) for a total of 15.

And we’re nearly there!  Pour me a stiff drink (Bloom Rose and Jasmine gin mixed with Fentiman’s orange tonic is my current jam, thanks), I’m going to need it before I can get into the results show.  Pimping out their slots (missus) are Pasha and Ashley. Their VT is super boring, Ashley’s mum is proud, yadda yadda. Anyone else find it weird that there’s been a theme of ‘people’s families love them’, but that’s only been applied to about a third of the couples. Do the rest have terrible tragic backstories? Or are we just spreading the relatives out across a few weeks?

We’re finishing with a cha cha cha to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ and they’ve both been dressed in what look to be the corpses of mirrorballs, whilst several other mirrorballs spin in the background and the whole room is flecked with sparkly lights. I’m a maximalist, but it’s all a bit extra even for me, especially with Ashley’s hair blown up to Shakira proportions. It’s a great party routine, though, and reminds me (unsurprisingly) of Caroline Flack’s best Latin. She performs it as a super-mega-ringer should, and also I have her as my winner in Monkseal’s prediction league in the desperate hope a woman might win this year, so go team Pashley.

Craig tells her she is good; Darcey calls her a ‘fast learner’ (LOL Darcey trying to pretend she’s not the ringiest ringer), Shirley says she holds her to a high standard and there is still room for improvement with her legs, and Bruno tunes into my Shakira wavelength by telling her her hips don’t lie.  Scores: 8, 8, 7, 9 for a series best score of 32 and our first 9 of the series.

Double-epic leaderboard:

1. Ashley and Pasha 29 + 32 = 61

2. Faye and Giovanni 29 + 31 = 60

3. Joe and Dianne 27 + 31 = 58

4. Danny and Amy 27 + 28 = 55

5. Ranj and Janette 27 + 24 = 51

6. Charles and Karen 25 + 25 = 50

7. Lee and Nadiya 22 + 26 = 46

8=. Kate and Aljaž 20 + 27 = 47

8=. Lauren and AJ 25 + 22 = 47

10. Vick and Graziano 18 + 27 = 45

11. Stacey and Kevin 24 + 20 = 44

12. Graeme and Oti 22 + 15 = 37

13. Seann and Katya 18 +15 = 33

14. Katie and Gorka 17 + 13 = 30

15. Susannah and Anton 12 + 12 = 24

So that makes Susannah and Anton favourites to go, but there are several couples in potential danger there – in particular, I’d wonder if Seann, Katie and Vick have the fanbases to keep them safe.  We’ll find out tomorrow, so join me then!