Zero(ual) sum game

Week 2: 15 Couples Perform - 28 September 2019

Last week! The series began in earnest and 15 couples, per Tess's voiceover, "exploded onto the Strictly dancefloor". I'd say James Cracknell was more of an implosion, but I appreciate we're just going for metaphor here. This week: the pressure is on because we get to vote for the first time and someone's going home this weekend. The contestants all read from the exact same script, stating that they are ready to fight for the place and show the judges that they are here to win. That's quite a bold direction, considering that there's still a weird very British resistance to the idea of people wanting to win (especially this early in the proceedings), presumably because it's not modest enough or some such nonsense. Still, I guess making everyone say it is quite a handy leveller, since the audience can't take against the entire cast. Or...can they?

Titles! Johannes's fist-bump/finger-snap combo with Catherine is still giving me everything.

Things don't get off to the best of starts, because the show falls off the air four times in the time it takes Tess and Claudia to walk down the stairs. (I wondered if this was just Sky/the HD feed, but I checked on iPlayer and nope, it appears it was like that for everyone.) Dresswatch: Claudia's in a Roman-style floor-length gold number and Tess is in a complementary silver halterneck. The overall effect is shiny, this blog recommends you do not look directly at them. In the audience: Ben Fogle (a pal of at least two cast members this year, James and Emma W). Claudia advises us to make ourselves comfortable because all 15 couples will be performing again tonight, and Tess points out that for one of them, it will be their last dance (pedants' corner: no it won't, because they'll have to do the dance-off and they'll do that improvised final dance at the end of the results show). The judges are introduced, and now that Motsi's an established member of the team, she no longer gets the "and..." credit, so the order of arrival is Shirley, Bruno, Motsi, Craig, for those of you who like to know that sort of thing.

Let's also welcome our Strictly stars, shall we? But not before the show falls off the air one more time, oops. Anyway, they're all here: David and Nadiya, Emma B and Anton, Chris and Karen, Emma W and Aljaž, Dev and Dianne, Saffron and AJ, Mike and Katya, Michelle and Giovanni, Will and Janette, Catherine and Johannes, James and Luba, Alex and Neil, Karim and Amy, Anneka and Kevin, and finally Kelvin and Oti. Gosh, there are a lot of them, aren't there?

Of course, we're not starting from an equal footing this week because everyone's scores from last week have been carried over. Here's a quick reminder of last week's leaderboard:

1. Kelvin & Oti - 32
2. Karim & Amy - 31
3=. Michelle & Giovanni - 30
3=. Dev & Dianne - 30
5. Saffron & AJ - 27
6. Will & Janette - 26
7. Emma & Anton - 23
8. Mike & Katya - 22
9. Alex & Neil - 21
10. Catherine & Johannes - 20
11. Emma & Aljaž - 19
12. David & Nadiya - 17
13. Anneka & Kevin -14
14. Chris & Karen - 13
15. James & Luba - 11

That could all change (spoiler: it won't) once tonight's scores are added to it, so let's see what happens tonight. Now, before we go any further, we had some reader feedback last week (people actually read this thing? I know, I was surprised too) that the format we've been using for this blog can get a little bit chunky and dense text-wise, which can make it a little hard to read. As someone who works on a magazine in my day job, I'm all too aware that you avoid lengthy blocks of unbroken text at all costs, and in an ideal world we'd probably spread this recap over several pages for ease of reading and reference, but there are limits to what we can do within the platform that we use. However, it's a valid point so I'm going to try a slightly different way of structuring this week's recap, and I would very much welcome your thoughts on it - if you think it works better this way, maybe Rad and I will make it a permanent change. So here goes...

Saffron & AJ

Our social media star has the honour of opening the show, and she's got a treat for AJ in their VT. They're sitting on the beach and she bellows (seriously, neither of these two talk like normal human beings, is that why they got paired together? Also, isn't "being able to sound like a normal person" supposed to be the key part of successful YouTubing?) that it's Sunday, which can only mean one thing. Church? Homework? Sandwiches in front of Antiques Roadshow? No: a roast dinner at the Barker household. Point of interest #1: Saffron appears to have a brother who looks...not entirely unlike AJ. Saffron's dad says he's so proud of Saffron "at the moment" (lol), and AJ talks about how well things went on Saturday. Point of interest #2: AJ calls Saffron's dad "Dad". After dinner, AJ gets the whole family up to do the cha cha cha. On a full stomach? In this economy?

In training, Saffron is struggling to remember the steps and AJ's most-used word of the week seems to be "no". AJ says that "Saffron is finding it very quick, because it is very quick". Thanks AJ! He says he's throwing absolutely everything at her (I can understand that impulse) but he believes she can get there.

They're dancing to 'One Touch' by Jess Glynne (ugh) [One of the rare times I prefer the Strictly singers to the original artists - Rad] and Jax Jones, and surprisingly there is no gimmick and no props for this routine? It's just a cha cha cha, played entirely straight, and I think it's a fairly credible attempt. There are a few moments where she's a bit hesitant, and it does feel a bit mechanical in the sense of her being so preoccupied with remembering her steps that it's not played out to the audience as much as perhaps it could be, but - and I appreciate I may be alone in this - I though she did a better job of this than she did of last week's tango. Her centre of gravity still seems a bit off, though - maybe AJ needs to stop choreographing in so many bits where he whirls her around because every time he does that she seems very wobbly. Still, it feels like classic Strictly in that it's a full 90 seconds of cha cha cha content, and I appreciate the effort.

Tess welcomes the singers (Hayley, Mitchel, Andrea and Tommy) and Dave Arch's wunnerful orchestra, and takes this moment to apologise for the transmission problems earlier. Shirley says that "this is where the competition begins, tonight". Pretty sure that was last week actually, Shirl. Shirley thinks Saffron is a "very inspiring young lady" and would love her to work on her musicality going forward, though she saw some very impressive straight legs in there. She advises her to concentrate on the fundamentals, and calls her "young lady" again. Poor Saffron, it must be like being called into the headteacher's office every week. Bruno tells them they're like FedEx, because they're always deliver. (Presumably - and I appreciate this is a spoiler for later in the show - that means Mike and Katya are Yodel, who promise to deliver but you wait in all day only to find them pushing an apology card through the letterbox and running off without even ringing the doorbell.) [YES. I hate Yodel so much - Rad] He says it was a complex routine and she lost timing once, but considering the difficulty and intricacy, she did very well and there was wonderful interplay between them, which he'd like to see more of. Craig found it stiff of hip, which made it look very wooden, and she needs to keep her leg a bit lower when doing a rondé ("you're not quite at the standard of our pro dancers" - ouch), but she has the most amazing spins. Motsi rounds things up by saying that Saffron kept up well with the choreography, and didn't show it when she made a mistake, and now she's set the standard for everyone else.

They sprint up to the Clauditorium, where Claudia points out that Saffron's only had four days to learn this dance rather than two weeks. Well, maybe they shouldn't have lost an entire day to Sunday lunch with the family, just a thought. Saffron reveals that her feet are falling apart and are basically held together with glue and wishes at this point. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 5, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 23 and a combined score of 50.

It's time for our first Terms & Conditions of the series, brought to us by Tony Hadley of Spandau Ballet, because he knows that all of it is true. Claudia tells us that he "smells extraordinary", in a good way, for the benefit of those of us without smell-o-vision.

Anneka & Kevin

In the death slot? I'm surprised. Anneka says that last Saturday was an utter joy, and her sons being in the audience gave her such a lift. This week they have the waltz, which is a whole new technique for Anneka to learn. Well yes, but also this is true for everyone, this is how this show works. Am I going mad, or are they? Anneka is surprised to learn that she feels quite feminine doing this, and worries that she might end up wearing pink next. Sure enough, Vicky Gill has got a long, floaty pink dress lined up for her, and Anneka looks on the positive side: at least it will hide her feet. She's quite excited when she sees it in the flesh (in the fabric?) and Kevin thinks everyone's going to see a completely new side to her this week.

They're dancing to 'Run To You' by Whitney Houston, and once again, there are no props and the only gimmickry of note is a gobo that makes the floor look a bit like it's covered in fireflies. This is nice, I could get used to this! Speaking of "nice", that's a fairly accurate way of summing up Anneka's waltz - it's not especially exciting, but it is nice, and it shows much more of a commitment to actually trying to dance than last week's cha cha cha did. I'm not sure about the literalography bit where they canter across in the floor in a diagonal line as the chorus swells into "I wanna run to you", and some of the footwork is a bit unsure of itself, but on the whole I think this is encouraging work from Anneka.

A standing ovation from the Rice offspring, even if not noticeably from anyone else. Bruno tells Anneka that she looks fabulous in a frock, and she should be proud of herself because there were some very nice moves in all of that. He can see she worked hard on the footwork, but she needs to work on her topline because it's too tense. Craig thought it lacked a bit of rise-and-fall, and a bit of flow, and her arms need to be more expressive, but he thinks Kevin's worked miracles. Motsi thinks Anneka has made a huge improvement and she had everything under control - it was simple, but simply beautiful. Shirley thinks the frame and footwork need improving but Anneka should pat herself on the back for such a miraculous improvement in the space of a week.

They chopper up to the Clauditorium where everyone is still doing the "Anneka! Anneka!" thing to the tune of 'Gloria' from last week, and honestly if they're planning on making a permanent thing I swear I will vote once for every other couple just to count as a vote against Anneka. Don't push me. Anneka is a bit teary and says "I didn't dance that, my heart danced it". Oh blimey, we've lost her. Kevin says it's all about improvement, and he feels like they've improved. Scores: Craig 4, Motsi 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19, and an overall score of 33. Claudia says it's "massively up", but I expected a bit more of an increase based on the comments? I thought she might break 20, at least.

Dev & Dianne

Last week's quickstep got them 30, which Dev says he is "not mad about at all", however he can't get complacent because this week they have a jive to perform. It is hard work, and Dev is sweating a lot - so much so that he has made his t-shirt two-tone. He says he's getting through a lot of sugary drinks and snacks, but he's burning it all off in seconds. Get the full Double D Plan diet in this week's Now magazine! We see them rehearsing in the studio as Catherine and Johannes look on approvingly from the front row, and Dianne says he just needs to "go out there, have the best time ever...and point your toes."

They're dancing to 'Dance With Me Tonight' by Olly Murs (lyric personalisation update: "my name is Olly" changed to "my name is Dev"), and it's a high-school theme with Dev in a letterman jacket and his hair fully teased out. It starts off energetically and with some good kick-ball-changes from Dev, but there are some problems on the stamina front and it starts to flag quite quickly, and despite Dianne's warning he isn't always pointing his toes. I'd say it's still a good quality routine overall, but Dianne's outdancing him and I think it just lacks a bit of the necessary pizzazz to make it memorable and inspire the audience to give him their votes. 

In the audience: Dev's sisters, looking approving. Craig tells him that his toes were turned in throughout and it was slightly flat-footed, but the toe-heel-twists looked great and he loves Dev's energy and personality. Motsi loved his musicality and the way he kept his arms short to help his partner. She thinks it was really fun to watch and he did well. Shirley says that consistency is the key, and she doesn't think he's flat-footed at all, but she agrees with Craig that he's turning in his feet and he needs to remember to point his feet at five-to-one in latin, but not in ballroom. Bruno liked the style and the way that Dev got the pump of the routine going. 

Claudia reminds us that Dev has been practising everywhere, particularly at work, and wonders aloud what it's like to jive to Stormzy (I daresay we'll find out soon enough). Dev says he's happy with how it went, and there's no way to practice for what it's like to do it in front of an audience, but he's happy with how it went. Scores: Craig 6, Motsi "7 honey!", Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27, taking him to 57 overall.

Emma & Aljaž

They've got the tango this week, and Aljaž tells her that it's a very staccato dance and she needs to master the attack. Sadly this does not lead to a sequence in which Emma goes out into the grounds to chat to the lions and tigers about the art of hunting (honestly, who is even in charge of storylining this and why are they missing such an open goal?) but instead they go straight into training. Emma says she's enjoying ballroom a lot, and she's always wondered how to achieve that stance: now she knows it's all about hard work, and pain in your back. She scored 19 last week and is desperate to score higher than that this week, so she plans to work very hard. She properly stacks it in rehearsals and says "that's going in the VT, obviously", correctly. She hopes to not fall on the floor on the night. She tells Aljaž that she's really grateful for everything he has taught her so far, and it means so much. This feels...worryingly like a best-bits exit compilation? They're really not expecting her to stick around for long, are they? [I was honestly surprised she didn't hit the dance-off (whoops, spoiler) - Rad]

They're dancing to 'Sucker' by the Jonas Brothers (which is a stone-cold banger, do not @ me), and it has some weird and unnecessary Tron-style theming. It starts off pretty well with some nice staccato movements, tidy footwork and a good V-frame. (It starts off less well from a production perspective as they cut to a camera where neither of them are even in vision, someone is properly drunk at the wheel in the gallery tonight.) Unfortunately her core abandons her about halfway through and she starts leaning further and further forward and really seeming like she's not entirely sure which way she's going any more, and there's a series of pivots which I'd say is only about half-successful. Overall: some very promising components, not quite a satisfying whole. Aljaž is very pleased with how it went, anyway. 

Motsi thought it was going to be hot from Emma's stance at the beginning, and she kept up that attack and intensity for "the first bit" - but she needs to keep it up until the last beat of the track. Shirley says that we're in the build-up to one of the biggest championships in the country with all the top dancers taking part, who've spent years working on their frame. [It is a bit mean making Kerim compete against her isn't it? - Rad] Emma's had a week, and in that time she's produced a first wall and a second short wall that were outstanding, with a beautiful frame - but she needs to work on her stamina so she can hold it together for 1'30", but it was a good improvement from last week. Bruno thought it was going to be the first blockbusting tango of the series, but she ran out of juice. He warns her not to lose the steps or the character, because once that happens the illusion collapses - though he clarifies that it wasn't that bad, and he's "exaggerating to make a point". Bruno? Exaggerating? Surely not! Craig says that he isn't sure where the attack and aggression were, her feet weren't closing and the pivots were up and down. The other three all tell Emma that he's wrong.

They run up the stairs with Aljaž chirping "thank you judges!" (bless him) and telling Emma repeatedly that she smashed it. Claudia says it's hard for Emma because she's so smiley all the time, and says that it's been a busy week for her she had to learn the tango and the tiger cubs at Longleat have started walking. Heh, I love the implication that Emma was extremely hands-on with that. Aljaž says he needs to see them. More Aljaž with coot baby aminals please! Scores: Craig 4, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22 and an overall total of 41.

Chris & Karen

Last week Chris's wife Rosie came to watch the show, and Chris says that her reaction was "over the moon" but also furious that he's never danced with her. His son Robin watched it at home, and he got someone to video it for him, and it was EXTREMELY CUTE. Karen says that she'd love to meet Robin, so Chris invites her over. Interiors Watch: Chris has a lovely kitchen. Also, as we saw on It Takes Two this week, Robin is Just. The. Cutest. Chris says that Karen and Rosie got on almost a little too well (presumably this is the next logical step from Seann-and-Katya-gate: a comedian whose pro dancer ends up cheating on him with his wife) and we see a chat between the two of them filmed half-hidden behind a plant on the kitchen island. Guys, I'm pretty sure both Karen and Rosie knew the cameras were in the house, you didn't need to go guerilla-style. They charleston in the kitchen (Chris: "It's the first time the charleston's been performed in that kitchen, I might get a plaque up"), and Chris says he was second-bottom on the leaderboard last week, so the only way is up. I'd say that was tempting fate if James Cracknell didn't have a jive this week.

They're dancing to 'Out Of Our Heads', that absolutely horrific Take That song that came out last year [Oh, that's what this was - Rad], and Karen's got the Flavia Cacace Memorial Short Bob Wig on. It's about the two of them as quirky neighbours getting all flirty and it's fun and lively, if a bit too "funky chicken" in the actual charlestoning for my liking. Viewers of It Takes Two will know that Chris crocked himself rehearsing a cartwheel and just had to mime it for the rest of the week, and he just about pulls it off on the night - the legs could be straighter, but I am also the last person who should ever try to criticise anyone else's cartwheels. It ends with an assisted cartwheel (you know, the one where one person has their arms around the other's waist) which goes less well as Chris's legs are properly bent and he kind of flops out of it. Overall: fun, charming, not especially precise, but a nice comeback and evidence that there's definitely some rhythm in there after all.

Chris wheezes over to the judges and tells them not to expect many witty comments this week. Shirley tells him that he's gone from quite ordinary to extraordinary, and for someone who doesn't like to perform in front of people (he's a stand-up comedian, Shirley), he's become a frontrunner in the personality stakes. She thought the timing was generally good, if a little fast of the music at points. Chris giggles that he was just excited. Bruno says that he has reset the clock and retuned the engine - he really liked the elements of lindyhop in there which were "delicious", and it was charming without going bonkers ("don't look at me" - heh). Craig tells him that he could have gone crazier and exaggerated every move because he only had the one facial expression ("a gaping mouth") and tells him to decide whether to have straight or bent legs in the cartwheel. Chris: "In my defence, that's the first time I've ever cartwheeled into someone's crotch." But overall, it's given Craig some hope. Motsi finishes by saying that Chris's body is back from holiday, and "forget the choreography" (maybe not the best advice?), if you can put your personality on the floor, you've made it - and she thinks that whatever he did this week, he should do it until December.

They cackle their way right up to the Clauditorium where Chris is very pleased to have a dance of any kind to call his own. Chris waves to Robin and blows him a kiss. Claudia: "He'll be home very soon!" Ooh, shade. Also apparently Take That tweeted their endorsement. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26, bringing his total up to 39. Claudia jokes that he'll be doing the charleston next week as well.

Emma & Anton

This week they've got the foxtrot, which is Anton's favourite dance [Not that I can remember any of the ones he's done on this show - Rad]. Emma says that they were mid-table last week and need to try to move up a bit, while Anton (53) makes some joke about how you need to be 40 to do a good foxtrot so he should be brilliant at it next year. Emma is 42, by the way, so this should be a breeze, right? Nope, she's finding it really tough, because there's so much to think about and she's getting a bit stressed about it. Anton tells us that it's going better than Emma thinks it's going, but Emma seems unconvinced. She gets a bit teary, which I imagine is what happens when you're pulling 86-hour days as Emma seems to be doing at the moment. SOMEONE HELP THIS POOR WOMAN. She says the pressure is really on, and gives herself a little pep talk in the third person.

They're dancing to 'Sunshine Of Your Love' and it starts out pretty well aside from the fact that Emma's smile keeps slipping into a grimace. As things progress, she looks increasingly unsure and then, just like the other Emma, there's a pivot section that goes very badly and sees this Emma losing her balance, although she recovers quite well. She manages to pull things back a bit in time for the end, but I think we need to launch the Just Let Emma Barton Get Some Sleep 2019 campaign, to be honest.

Anton says he enjoyed every second of it and that Emma was "remarkable". Bruno tells Emma that she definitely has the right feel and "the right potential" for ballroom (eep), and he says that Anton threw lots of complex steps into it which she coped with quite well, but she didn't quite have that effortless flow about her and it went a little bit skippy in one place. Emma says she thinks she forgot to flip her head at that point. Craig says that her topline needs improving and her head positions are sometimes off, and there was gapping at times, but she has real dance talent which is great to see. In the audience: RuPaul's Drag Race alumnus and Celebrity Big Brother winner Courtney Act, a couple of rows behind Ben Fogle. She's dragged up for the occasion, bless her, which can't be comfortable when you're sat down on a show this long. I wonder if she's tucked? I hope not, for her sake [*Shrug* She did Dancing with the Stars Australia, she should know how long these things go on for - Rad]. Motsi tells Emma that she sees a dancing queen in her and there's great quality in there, and they just need to see more of it. Shirley says there's no doubting her talent, particularly in ballroom, and there were three beautiful heel turns in there and a lovely outside spin, but she needs to work on her timing a little bit. 

In the Clauditorium, Claudia asks Emma for more information on her foxtrot blockage. Emma: "It was hard. It just wouldn't go in. [Realising how that sounds...] The steps just wouldn't go in." But Anton's been looking after her, and Anton says she's a joy to work with. Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24, and a combined total of 47. Emma's happy to have scored more than last week, Anton looks on through gritted teeth as he gets precisely one point more for his foxtrot than he did for his jive, thereby destroying his entire worldview.

James & Luba

Tess is in the audience with Ben Fogle, who's clearly here in his role as James's best mate rather than as someone who sort of vaguely works for Emma for a couple of weeks a year. Ben says that this is all out of James's comfort zone, and that they both come from the same school of dance where you can't clap in time. But when the chips are down, he pulls it out, so watch this space! Yes, I think those are all of the clichés, thank you.

Last week's tango did not go well, but James still thought it was the best performance of that tango he'd given. By means of explanation, this week's VT sees James share his story about that awful bike accident he had that left him with a brain injury where his frontal lobe was damaged - and since the frontal lobe controls things like learning and personality and processing information, that's made this whole experience quite tricky. Luba tells him that after he's finished this journey he'll be much more secure in himself, and she's so happy to be doing this with him.

This week they have the jive, and Luba's stated goal is for James to have fun. They flip pancakes in rehearsals, and James appears to have found the one thing that Luba isn't much good at. He hopes that people will see him enjoying it this week.

They're dancing to 'Tutti Frutti' with their routine set in a diner [I bet this song choice was because it sounds like 'A Wop-bop a Luba' - Rad], and I can confirm: James is much better at pancake-flipping than Luba is. Also this gives them a good 20 seconds where he doesn't have to dance at all. Speaking of which, Luba has gone for that Ola Jordan classic, "just get your celeb to stand as still as possible and contort yourself around him", though James does seem a little more animated this week and while it's more of a shuffle than a jive, he's clearly trying hard and there is some actual dancing in there, even if it's fairly rudimentary. Basically I came in expecting a car crash but only left with an argument over parking spaces, if that makes sense.

Craig tells him that the pancake tossing was the best bit, because the kicks and flicks were like a bucking bull at a rodeo. At least, I think he said "bucking". He explains to James that it needs "placement" - the dance wasn't better than last week, but his personality was 10 times better. Motsi tells James that he's got the worst over and now he can breathe. She asks him if he had fun this week and he confirms that he did, so she says now he can work on the dancing. Shirley thought he came out with the right look for tango last week, and this week he came out and had fun and showed personality, but he did struggle with the content. She thinks he will improve though, and she reiterates what she said last week about him inspiring the good people at home. Bruno calls him "like Godzilla on a sugar rush" but at least he's moving in the right direction. "You made this dance your own," he concludes euphemistically.

In the Clauditorium, James says it was lovely to have his pal Ben in the audience, but Ben got it right when he said that even clapping in time is tough for him. James waves to his kids who he admits might be hiding behind the sofa after that, and then the scores are in: Craig 3, Motsi 3, Shirley 3, Bruno 4 for a total of 13 bringing him to 24 overall. Maybe Craig did decide the dancing was better than last week after all?

Catherine & Johannes

Last week Catherine loved her Viennese waltz, but she knows that having only scored 20, she's going to have to graft hard this week. She's got the samba for her second dance, and I can't help thinking that having to do a Viennese waltz followed by a samba for your first two dances is outright cruel. What are they going to make her do next week, Riverdance? Johannes tells her he just wants to see fire, and Catherine says that when she sees Johannes doing it by himself, it's like watching someone on fast-forward, which is worrying her because she can't keep up. She knows that she knows the routine when she's walking it through, but as soon as she has to do it at speed, everything falls apart. There's a confessional from the studio rehearsal in which Johannes is wearing a beret and a neckerchief (yes, queen, you are sending me) [I love him so much.  This pairing is my early favourite - Rad] and Catherine says that with a fast dance you have to know it back-to-front because a single slip up could send you spiralling. She says she finds it hard to focus on both her steps and her character at the same time.

They're dancing to 'Let The Groove Get In' (apparently, I am not familiar with this song at all), which is an unfortunate choice given that the refrain is "are you comfortable right there, right there?" and the answer for Catherine is clearly "no, not at any point". She's doing her best, there are some hips going on, and the arm placement is...getting there, but she just looks so ill-at-ease throughout, and there's no real bounce action going on either. There's also a point in the middle where it's clear the steps have deserted her and she's just having to improvise something that feels vaguely Latin there and then. She's trying to vamp it out and it works occasionally, but I think this was just too much too soon. On a positive note: Johannes's bottom is even bigger and rounder than last week, and I think we can all enjoy that.

Motsi says it was hot and she loved watching it, and that Catherine looked free when she was shaking her body, but that her posture was so beautiful and straight that she lacked the earthiness of samba a bit. But she did have that "you know, girl, I'm on, I'm here", so that's something. Shirley agrees that it all came together with the shake and the bake, and there was lots of technical content in there, but when Catherine did her voltas she missed the cross-action, which is why she kept getting ahead of the music. There are definitely aspects that are on the right track though. Bruno said she had the right feeling but she lost the rhythm - she had the wild-woman aspect right, but she has to work on the rhythmicality to get the correct bounce. Craig didn't really feel it was a samba - it looked like a salsa and she danced it like one, and he doesn't think it worked.

Catherine and Johannes and Johannes' fine, fine booty head up to the Clauditorium where Claudia reiterates that all the couples had a lot less training time than last week (and I'm not saying it shows with nearly every dance this week, but...actually that's exactly what I'm saying). Catherine says that every time she thought she'd got it right this week she'd go "woo!" (possibly also "Strictly klaxon!") and Johannes would go "no, baby girl". Heh. I love these two together. Johannes says that he tells Catherine every time she steps forward on a heel, a puppy gets sad - and I suspect that's a sanitised, pre-watershed version of what he actually tells her. Scores: Craig 4, Motsi 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 19 and a total of 39. Not a great result, and one that makes me worried for her, depending on how the rest of the leaderboard shakes out over the course of the evening.

Michelle & Giovanni

This week Michelle and Giovanni are leaning into their shared Italianicity as hard as possible, and Tess asks Bruno if he's looking forward to it. Bruno answers in a flurry of excitable Italian, and the audience whoops and applauds like...they're...surprised a man named "Bruno Tonioli" can speak Italian? Mind you some weeks I'm amazed he can speak at all, so I suppose I can sort of see where they're coming from.

Michelle says she feels like she's being challenged to hold the standard of last week in every week going forward, if not improve. This week they've got the Viennese waltz, and it's a very different state of affairs from last week: Michelle says that she needs to deliver a transformation from her Noo Yawk broad persona (girl you're from New Jersey and we all know it) into a classy lady. Although Michelle may have trouble switching that side of her off because RuPaul came to visit her in training this week - and she provides a handy comparison of RuPaul in drag (from Drag Race, obviously, ain't no way Ru's getting up into all that for this show if no one's paying her) just in case we don't recognise boy-Ru. Michelle says it's heart-warming to be with her friend even for 10 minutes (not suggesting that Ru had a cab outside with the meter still running or anything but...) and Ru cracks a joke about "Vietnenese" and there being an ointment for that and I think it's supposed to involve Ru hearing the word "waltz" as "warts" and it doesn't land at all, but they give Ru a preview and Ru loves it and then oh look at that, it's time for Ru to go. Still Ru says that he can't wait to see Michelle slay it on Saturday night and then does an accent that I suspect is meant to be British but...yes, well.

They're dancing to 'That's Amore' ['Be Italian' could still reappear at some point.  And 'Just One Cornetto'.  And the Gino Ginelli ice cream jingle - Rad] and Giovanni is a gondolier and Michelle has requested a dress that incorporates the Italian flag although the end effect is somewhat more Aquafresh. There's a fair bit of faff with the paddle but once that's out of the way, Michelle delivers a very impressive Viennese waltz with beautiful flow, tidy footwork, some lovely pivots and the placement of her left hand on Giovanni's right arm is exquisite. Nice to see that Michelle's not just a one-trick pony, for sure.

It gets the vote of approval from RuPaul (would love to know whether Ru and Courtney mingled at all in the Star Bar beforehand, somehow I doubt it) and likewise from Shirley, who thought Michelle went from "sassy sassy sassy" to "classy classy classy". She tells Michelle to keep working on her technique and it'll serve her well over the next six weeks which seems...suspiciously specific? (Lol Shirley thinks Michelle isn't making Blackpool, pass it on.) Bruno tells her that dance is not just a sequence of steps and movements, it's about telling a story, and that's what Michelle did with the quality of her movement. Craig tells her that she missed the last beat with the kiss but apart from that it was incredible. Motsi tells her that she brought the bang back and her posture and timing were great. She thinks Michelle is brilliant, and she love-love-loves it. Tess: "Mama went to Italy and tore it up!" Oh god, if Michelle makes it to November Tess is going to attempt to say "hunty" isn't she?

When the moon hits the Clauditorium like a big pizza...torium, Claudia says it must have been lovely to get comments like that and Michelle cracks that it's great because she never hears it from Gio. Michelle confirms that her daughters have come around and are big fans of hers now too. Scores: eights all round for a total of 32 and a leaderboard-topping total of 62.

David & Nadiya

Our first paso of the series, so let's go to Motsi to find out what she expects: "beautiful flamenco arms, posture, and the intention of the movement - give it to me!" Well, let's see how that goes. Nadiya loves the paso and thinks it will really suit David. David thought this dance would give him more flexibility and freedom, but it turns out not so much. He practises caping in the training room and ends up wrapping it around his own head. Nadiya points out that he keeps looking down while he's caping, and he needs to stop it. With his sportsman's league-table hat on, David is aware that he's currently in relegation position and needs to do something to improve it. In studio rehearsals, Aljaž and Katya watch from the sidelines and Aljaž says he couldn't take his eyes off them, and that David was born to paso.

Well, it looks like he was switched at birth, because as it plays out on the night, their paso (to 'España Cañí'!) is not good. Nadiya's taken a few leaves out of the Clifton playbook in this routine in a bid to make the magic happen, but David's just far too gentle - I've exerted myself more trying to change a duvet cover than he does when he's brandishing the cape. There's very little attack in it and his shaping is just quite wet-noodle-y. It's a shame, because he's clearly trying to channel the mood in his face (although he does slip into a grin midway through), but the message isn't getting through to the rest of his body.

Bruno likens the cape work to "shaking a dusty rag" and says he has seen better shaping in safety demonstrations on aeroplanes [Brian Dowling for our Dirty Ringer contestant 2020? - Rad]. He cautions David to work on the artistry of the dance and to channel the feel of the character. Craig calls the routine "limp, lame and lacklustre". Tess asks Motsi if she saw any positive, and Motsi's all "yeah, you know, I saw like one or two steps..." and I don't know if you can precisely pinpoint the moment when the nation falls in love with a TV judge, but if you can, this was it. Motsi recovers from a giggle fit and says that the dancing isn't there yet, and that David needs to find something to cover the dancing up until he gets the hang of it - he needs to show the personality. And he looked hot! That's something! Shirley tries to give him advice by going on an extended simile about dance being like a conversation that gets a little bit muddled en route but basically ends up as "make the conversation louder" (I'm sure Motsi can help him with that; Nadiya probably not so much).

David and Nadiya head up to the Clauditorium without waiting to be dismissed by Tess (heh) and David says he'd fallen in love with the paso, but "love hurts". Heh. Aww, I'm sad he's not better at this, he does seem quite sweet. Nadiya says she's very proud of him, and David says he enjoyed himself. Scores: Craig 2, Motsi 3, Shirley 2, Bruno 3 for a total of 10. As quick as they are to acknowledge all the 'records' being broken over the last two weeks, strangely enough Claudia does not point out that this is the second-lowest score in Strictly history, and the lowest score since week one of series two. Yikes. It takes his overall total to 27, by the way.

Karim & Amy

Performing last week's cha cha cha was a surreal experience for Karim and the best night of his life "by quite far". Aww. This week he's got the foxtrot, which he claims is "the most confusing thing ever". Even more than maths! His mum pops in to see how he's getting on, and she's brought food! That anguished wail you just heard? Karen Hauer, wondering why she didn't get partnered with him. His mum watches him dance and Karim asks if there's anything he could do to improve; his mum suggests he could shave. Mums! She breaks out his favourite curry (hope that room's well ventilated) and tells him she'd score him 10 for his foxtrot "but 8 if I didn't know you". I like Karim's mum. She can come again.

They're dancing to 'The Way You Look Tonight' and Karim's hair has been gelled up into a quiff which really suits him. Now, last week I found Karim's cha cha cha a bit much with all the superfluous showing off, but this week I completely get the appeal - this foxtrot is charming, debonaire, effortless and a joy to watch. And you know what it takes for me to say that about a foxtrot. Also Amy can tell throughout just how well it's going and is absolutely getting her life, which is quite funny. 

Karim tells Tess that it's a very different style for him and it took him a while to learn the elegance. "ISN'T HE CUTE!" Tess hoots. Tess, he's 25. I think. Craig tells him that Karim is definitely "one to watch". Motsi thought it was Hollywood, pure quality, and magnificent. Shirley tells him that he is very much still ticking her boxes (steady), and Bruno - almost hysterical at what Shirley just said - invokes the spirit of Gene Kelly. Deploy the widow! Tess says she can't wait to see what he'll do in Movie Week and Karim very quickly says "if I make it!" Smart move. This boy will go far.

Karim tells Claudia that he feels more comfortable in Latin but he's fallen in love with ballroom, so his journey is now well and truly underway. Scores: eights all round again for 32, a total of 63, and a place at the top of the leaderboard that's only likely to be threatened by Kelvin at this point. Claudia points out to Amy that it's her highest scoring foxtrot. All of these "pro's personal best!" moments are getting a bit exhausting - or is it just me? [I'd be fine with it for Anton or even anyone who arrived on this show earlier than, I dunno, let's say Kevin.  But for the comparative newbies, it's not exactly whelming to get their best score in X dance when they have few enough dances under their belt as it is- Rad]

Mike & Katya

Okay so the first thing is that I may not have been mentioning it because I've been avoiding recapping most of the interstitial bits, but this has been built up quite a lot tonight and indeed over the course of the week. He's going to be a cowboy! A rhinestone cowboy! They're doing an American smooth with a Wild West-twist to the aforementioned Glen Campbell track [Even before the dance starts that's a NO - Rad] and Katya tells him that there will be lifts, oh boy will there be lifts. Mike reminds us that they were just in the top half of the leaderboard last week (8th out of 15, if you don't want to scroll back up!) and that's a good start, but there's a lot of work to do nailing the ballroom frame. Katya says he has to work really hard on the legs while keeping his top half looking smooth. Also they've been working on the lifts, where Mike is in charge of her body, but not in a cool Freaky Friday-type way. 

So, is it the big camp spectacular we were all promised? Nah. It opens with Mike stomping into the "saloon" and Katya sliding him a drink across the judges' table, which he spits out, and then they do some very, very dull American smooth in ridiculous outfits, interspersed with moderate hoedown sequences and attention-grabbing lifts that don't fit the routine at all and don't fit Mike much better. The whole thing feels incredibly strained and a pretty good example of the "less is more" maxim that Katya has ignored thus far during her time on the show but might do well to consider in future.

Motsi opens for the judges and says that it was like two different shows - he had fun with the cowboy stuff but went all robot-like as soon as he got into hold, so he needs to find the fun part in the actual ballroom as assigned. Shirley credits him with not dropping Katya and tells him he has a beautiful smile. It didn't resemble American smooth foxtrot as she knows it, and looked more like country and western line-dancing, but she enjoyed watching it all the same. Bruno asks him what he's doing to the nation and mentions the word "psychotic", which is pretty much all you need to know. He doesn't think the nation is ready for this, and suggests that maybe a bit of dancing would be good. Craig pulls a vinegar face and settles for declaring it "odd, darling, very very odd".

Claudia says that she saw Mike's bruises on It Takes Two and she knows he's doing 12-hour days ("13!" corrects Katya), and Mike says that before this week he'd never lifted anything in his life, and now he's lifting Katya. Apparently the spinning was the worst bit. I'm impressed he could pick out a worst bit, I'm still struggling. Scores: Craig 3, Motsi 4, Shirley 3, Bruno 3 for a total of 14, a combined score of 36, and the resulting leaderboard tumble that goes with it.

Alex & Neil

(I will make myself stop wanting to refer to them as "Alex & Scott" by Hallowe'en week at the latest, I swear.) Alex was very excited to open the show last week, and says she was shy at the start but grew into it. She vows to bring it from now on. This week they've got the cha cha cha, and Neil nicknames her "Sassy Scott" to get her into the mood. Alex is trying to channel some of what Michelle had last week, so they get Michelle on FaceTime for some advice. (Alex is holding her phone in landscape mode and Michelle is holding hers in portrait so there are massive black bars on everyone's screens, good grief you lot sort it out.) Michelle advises her: "don't judge yourself, just be yourself. Also don't wear green, I hate it." Alex says she's not a performer, but she just needs to be in the moment. Michelle watches her rehearsing the studio and yells "SASSIEST GIRL IN THE HOUSE!" from the side. I wasn't expecting Alex and Michelle to become BFFs, but I'm here for it. (And Alex Scott is a definite step up from Katie Hopkins however you slice it.) 

They're dancing to 'What I Did For Love', which I'm sad to report is not the one from A Chorus Line but is in fact a dance track by David Guetta and Emeli Sandé. This is the second disappointment in as many weeks after Karim's 'If I Can't Have You' turned out to be Shawn Mendes and not the Bee Gees. First of all, a note to Vicky Gill and the costume team: please don't put Neil in material so seethrough that we can actually see the backtat, some of us are eating when we watch this show. (The same, regrettably, goes for Gorka. Sorry.) As far as the dance goes, it's a decent attempt at cha cha cha from Alex - the lines are good, the footwork is more or less there, the legs are mostly straight, and she looks more comfortable than she did last week. The chemistry with Neil is still bang-on, too. I think she does need to drive the movements through her feet more though, as it's just feeling a bit too gentle at the moment. Also there's a lift/drop bit at the end which they bungle and would probably have been better cut during tech, if you ask me.

Shirley says that Alex has the energy, but now she needs stronger foot placement (that's what I said!) and better foot action because she's flat in the feet. Also she has to decide if it's a bent or straight leg, and better styling (take that up with Vicky Gill hon) but the chemistry was great. She does need to get her technical skills sorted though. Bruno says that she gave sass and spark, but she does need to place her feet correctly or she won't get the right hip action. Craig felt she was stomping her way through it and says it felt like Saturday Night Fever rather than a cha cha cha. Motsi, however, saw cha cha cha in there and would rather have someone risking it and giving it everything than someone who plays it safe. She tells Alex to keep that fire burning. "Sounds like a song!" grins Tess. Yes Tess, it's by Robyn, and Beverley Knight covered it as well.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia reveals that Alex analyses her own performances like she would as a pundit doing the football, and Alex says she tried to bring sass as taught by Michelle, and it's developing. Scores: Craig 4, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22, and a combined total of 42.

Kelvin & Oti

The theme of their VT this week is "Kelvin shows Oti around his favourite parts of Greater Manchester". Sure, why not? He takes her to his local pub, the Greyhound in Oldham, where he worked as a glass collector when he was 16. Hang on, wasn't he in Emmerdale since he was 12? I can't imagine he needed a bar job on top of that. Eh, maybe he just did it for the exposure. He then takes her on to meet his nan at the bingo, and Kelvin's nan says that he was magic on Saturday - "and you 'n' all" to Oti. She adds that she knew "that little booty would be good". (Kelvin's, not Oti's, though I'm sure she thought Oti's booty was good too.) Kelvin vows to work very hard to nail the waltz and impress his nan again, booty or no booty.

They're dancing to 'What The World Needs Now Is Love' and Oti has choreographed a solo box step for Kelvin at the start, at the top of the stage by himself and...he messes it up, going a bit too Latin-hips with it. When they get into hold for the start of the main routine however, things are much better - it's a little bit jerky from the chest upwards in place, but there's a lovely fluidity to it despite the occasional gapping, and they really do have great chemistry together too.

Kelvin tells Tess it was such a lovely song (get those nan votes!) and a big change from last week. Bruno really felt it - and so did Shirley, he reckons. He says that Kelvin gave them what they wanted - love, sweet love. Steady on. He warns him to watch his shoulders and take care with his footwork, but he's very light on his feet "for such a big hulk". Craig warns him to shape his hands out of hold and not to lose body contact with his bottom sticking out, as nice a bottom as it is. Motsi points out that it looked more rumba-like at the beginning when he was on his own, but they created a beautiful atmosphere together. Like Bruno, she warns him not to get too tense in the neck. Shirley says that if you're going to start on the stage, you have to get your footwork right and he didn't, and it wasn't the best frame of the night either because his arm is too far back and his head too far forward, and that's why his bottom is sticking out - but there's no disputing his talent.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia reminds us that Kelvin's son Milo "is not that into sleeping at night" at the moment. Kelvin says that's true, and it has made training a bit challenging, but he's really enjoyed it. [Ruh-roh - we know what this show does to new parents with no sleep... - Rad] Scores: all the sevens for a total of 28. That gives him a total of 60 for the first two weeks, and means that Karim can't be caught at the top of the leaderboard - unless Will gets 37 or above which seems unlikely at best. Speaking of...

Will & Janette

Will takes Janette to play table tennis in their VT. I hope he gets the Two Time Wiff Waff Christmas Champion to teach her! Janette reminds us that they had the "highest scoring quickstep ever in week one" (OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN ONLY THREE EVER, CALM YOUR BOOTS) and this week's theme for the salsa is Will winning gold at table tennis and doing his celebratory dance. The one he got the yellow card for? Janette tells him that for a good salsa you need loose hips, looseness in the body, and a shitload of lifts. Will struggles with the lifts in rehearsals, and says it will be a massive challenge for him to overcome. And to think, he's already overcome so much. (Being partnered with Janette, I mean. What did you think I meant?)

They're dancing to '1-2-3' by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine [At last an actual banger tonight - Rad], and as we've come to expect from a Janette salsa, it's basically a lot of the man just making sure he can get himself into whatever position he needs to be in to hurl Janette into whatever aerial position she's going into. The actual salsa steps, however few there are, are passable but messy, and none of this is doing much to convince me that Will won't struggle when he comes to a dance that he can't just coast through on raw enthusiasm. Also he seems to completely forget to move his hips at all after the halfway mark, which is not the best look in a salsa. The two of them dry-hump afterwards and they get half a standing ovation, although at this point it might just be that the audience have got numb bottoms and are looking for any excuse to stand up. 

Craig wonders how he was doing those lifts, and says he dances a little bit ahead of the beat and could stand to go lower in the knee. Motsi says he came out like a bomb and she couldn't have asked for more. Shirley says he's unique and gives it 150 per cent commitment and he is what Strictly is all about. Bruno finishes by saying that the love of dancing and being here is shining out of Will, and he's even inspiring Bruno. 

They paddle up to the Clauditorium where Will discusses his lift-related nerves - in the dress rehearsal he bust into tears because he didn't think he could do it. But he did! Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24, and a grand total of 50. 

Final leaderboard? (with position changes from last week in brackets)

1. Karim & Amy - 31 + 32 = 63 (+1)
2. Michelle & Giovanni - 30 + 32 = 62 (+1)
3. Kelvin & Oti - 32 + 28 = 60 (-2)
4. Dev & Dianne - 30 + 27 = 57 (-1)
5=. Saffron & AJ - 27 + 23 = 50 (no change)
5=. Will & Janette - 26 + 24 = 50 (+1)
7. Emma & Anton - 23 + 24 = 47 (no change)
8. Alex & Neil - 21 + 22 = 43 (+1)
9. Emma & Aljaž - 19 + 22 = 41 (+2)
10=. Chris & Karen - 13 + 26 = 39 (+4)
10=. Catherine & Johannes - 20 + 19 = 39 (no change, but effectively -1 since there are now fewer people beneath her)
12. Mike & Katya - 22 + 14 = 36 (-4)
13. Anneka & Kevin - 14 + 19 = 33 (no change)
14. David & Nadiya - 17 + 10 = 27 (no change)
15. James & Luba - 11 + 13 = 24 (no change)

So, not an awful lot of disturbance to the overall order of things there, but a few points of interest: Chris takes the biggest leap (not entirely surprising given that he had a charleston and that's one of the most reliable points-bankers, particularly if you've been struggling with the traditional 10-dances) and Emma W with the second-highest climb (slightly more surprising but well done her), and Mike with the biggest tumble after a routine that promised so much (repeatedly) and delivered so little.

Claudia declares the vote open for the very first time, and lo, there was much rejoicing across the land. We get a clips package of all of tonight's performances and the numbers to call if you're the sort of person like me who isn't content with just three online votes. And that's it! Someone's going home in Sunday's results show, and looking at that scoreboard, I'm quite scared for Catherine and the Viscountess, so that's where my votes went. Join me later for our results show recap, featuring Lewis Capaldi and a flamenco love triangle. Standard.