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Week 2: 15 Couples Results - 29 September 2019

We begin with the much-anticipated specialist flamenco number, which opens with Flamenco Oti sauntering into the studio and whooping, at which point Gorka (leaning out of a window with his nips out, nothing unusual here) stops talking to Nancy and immediately only has eyes for her. Oti continues to saunter around the room, bewitching every man that she passes with her flamencocity (and Katya's "ohhh, this bitch" reaction to it all is truly delightful) and making them all be her dance bitches as the band do a John Lewis-ified renditon of 'Gotta Get Thru This'. Gorka runs out to grab her attention but Oti has also noticed Graziano, and despite Gorka's flamenciest moves, Oti keeps straying out of his arms and into Graziano's and Gorka is sad about it. As promised, professional flamenco dancer Pablo Fraile appears as a manifestation of Gorka's inner torment while Graziano dances with Oti, and then the music segues into 'El Tango De Roxanne' as Gorka squares off against Graziano in an attempt to win her back, and it ends either with Gorka triumphing as Oti lies supine on the floor in front of him, or Gorka maybe going too far and killing her in the process. I'm assuming the former as it's Sunday teatime, but it looks quite menacing however you slice it. Also it ends with Graziano staring at Gorka's arse, which is the most relatable Graziano has ever been.
Tess and Claudia have got changed, and Tess is now in a very flattering black off-the-shoulder number that's easily the best she's looked all series, and Claudia's in an oversized pink silk blouse and flared sequinned silver trousers. Audience update: Courtney Act has been upgraded to the front row. I wonder if she got RuPaul's seat? Tess says that Saturday was a night of firsts: Anneka wore her first dress, Karim did his first ballroom and Will did his first lift. I mean: Anneka, Emma W, Emma B, Michelle, Mike and Kelvin also did their first ballroom this week, and Chris and Mike also did lifts. I'm not screaming conspiracy or anything, but it is a bit odd to single out individual people for doing what half the cast also did. The judges return, and Motsi has a belt around her torso and good lord, that is quite the bosom, madam.

In terms of backstage action: Michelle knows someone has to go home but hopes it isn't her, Will has a #TeamPocketRacket t-shirt on, Catherine thinks everyone's feeling more nervous, Anneka doesn't want to go home at all, Emma B says she just does whatever Anton tells her, David says "the matador is in town today", Karim loves his costume for this week, Kelvin runs us through his own outfit, Hot Greg is back, Chris and Karen rehearse outside a toilet [Aww, I kind of get the feeling that, never mind betas, they're the omegas of the series in terms of getting attention, bless them and their inevitably short journey - Rad], and Karim, Dev and Emma W seem to be a little group of three, which is not a friendship I would have seen coming from the outside but good for them. Will celebrates getting Janette up (madam) in their salsa, Chris's parents are very proud of him, Emma B would have liked to go up a bit higher score-wise, Katya doesn't care what everyone says (evidently!) - Mike can dance, David looks a bit crestfallen, Ben Fogle says you can't underestimate how terrifying the ballroom is, Luba is upset about dropping a pancake on live TV and James giggles that he doesn't think the pancake was the problem. Saffron thought this week was amazing, Alex says the cha cha cha has been a struggle but she feels great, Emma W giggles with relief, Catherine found the samba so difficult and the nerves made it even worse, Anneka asks for a caption calling Kevin a "miracle maker", Kelvin really enjoyed his waltz and is happy with the score, Michelle and Giovanni hug for joy, Karim and Amy are giddy with joy about being top of the leaderboard.

But who's going home? For the first time this series, Tess is armed with the Cue Cards Of Doom, so here we go. The following couples, in no particular order as ever, are safe: Michelle and Giovanni (the triple "THANK YOU!" is still being deployed), Dev and Dianne, Mike and Katya, Karim and Amy, and Will and Janette. The first couple in danger is... not going to be revealed yet, because that's only five couples out of fifteen, you big sillies. Tess points out to Shirley that Mike and Katya survived despite not scoring highly on the leaderboard, and asks what they can do next week to climb higher. Sadly Shirley does not respond "some dancing" or even "doesn't look like it matters, does it?" but she tells him to work on the character, the footwork, and the quality of how he's going to move from foot to foot. So yes, basically "do some dancing" after all, just expressed more politely.

Claudia's with the first five safe couples, and Janette reveals that Will was so nervous about being in the dance-off that he was literally hunched forward backstage with his hands over his mouth. I was about to say that this was silly given that he was joint fifth out of 15 couples, but then I looked back and realised that Lee Ryan fell into the dance-off from seventh on the leaderboard this time last year, so I guess it does happen. Michelle reveals that she'll be channeling "Liza with a Z" for a Cabaret-themed number for Movie Week, and Claudia pulls out an album that Katya has made for him called "My Strictly Journey Class Of 2019". It's a nice thought. For a nine-year-old. Anyway, the intention is for him to make it into a photo casebook of his time on the show, Dear Deidre style. We then turn to Karim, who apparently is a perfectionist who won't leave the studio until he's got the routine down, and in the event that he has to do so, will phone Amy constantly fretting about it. I'm shocked: who knew 25-year-olds were still phoning people? And I have some bad news: Couple's Choice is back, definitively, because Dev and Dianne have it next week. Dev teases that their routine will be "very blue", and then Dianne prompts him to clarify that they won't be doing an Emmanuelle, The Joys Of A Woman-themed street dance. Although to be honest I heard it as "very Baloo" and assumed it was The Jungle Book.

Back to Tess and the Cue Cards Of Doom, the following couples are also safe: Saffron and AJ, Chris and Karen, Kelvin and Oti, and Emma and Anton. (Poor the Emmas, having to not react on the sound of their names and wait for the name of their partner so they can be sure which one of them it is.) [Want to bet that at some point the reveal will be dragged out with a massive pause after 'Emma and A....' to shit them up even more? - Rad] The first couple in the bottom two...is James and Luba. James doesn't seem too upset, and grins that they get to do it again. James and Luba make their way over to Tess, and Tess tells him that he must be disappointed, and James shoots back "but not surprised" - and he really enjoyed the jive, so he's fine with doing it again. Motsi advises him to give it his best so that when he goes home, whatever the outcome, he knows that he did everything he could.

Claudia is upstairs with the next four saved couples, and she notes that the announcement of somebody being in the dance-off has made the competition nature of the show really hit home for everyone for the first time. Saffron agrees that it's heartbreaking and she doesn't want to see anyone go home because they've all got so close, but I can't concentrate on anything she's saying because AJ's right nipple is making a bid for freedom. Claudia tells Chris that he not only doubled his score, but also knocked up the biggest week-one-to-week-two leap in the history of the show. I'm just going to assume that's true because it's half past ten and I still have washing up to do before I can go to bed. Chris says that Robin will be pleased, but he'll probably also want to put some cartoons on. Kelvin reveals that he'll be doing a Mary Poppins themed routine next week, and superfan Emma says she loves theme weeks the most and Movie Week is the bestest of them all [Good job because I don't fancy her chances of making Halloween - Rad]. Anton says he will be Austin Powers in a velvet suit, and I don't think he's joking.

Lewis Capaldi stops by to perform 'Someone You Loved' while Aljaž and Janette contempowaft around him. I must confess that Lewis Capaldi is one of those names I hear a lot lately but I couldn't hum a single one of his songs. Maybe I'll be humming this one all week though, who knows? [I never rated this song until I saw the video with Peter Capaldi - yes a relation - doing a sad - Rad]

Now Claudia is joined by the judges for Len's Lens Dance Debrief. Shirley wants to talk about Karim ticking her boxes: a magnificent frame, decent footwork for week two, and taking Amy in his arms. Motsi loves Michelle's posture and the way it gives her and Giovanni space to move together without disturbing him, which makes her very easy to lead. Craig is asked to expand on his dislike of The Viscountess's tango, because he wanted to see more fire and a change in personality - it was too regal. Bruno begs not to have to watch Mike and Katya again (big mood) and says that Hannibal Lecter would have had more grace - but it was a unique performance. We also get to see the stage management team frantically clearing up a million table tennis balls after Will and Janette performed, and then we're done. Quick and painless, unless you're Bruno.

After a trailer for the variously successful spinoffs (still going absolutely nowhere near whatever it is BBC Three claims to be doing alongside this, it looks even more damaging for the brand than that time it was fronted by Justin Lee Collins), Tess and the Cue Cards Of Doom give us our final results. Alex and Neil are safe, as are Catherine and Johannes who burst into joyful sobs. Also safe: The Viscountess and Aljaž, who had also been looking very nervous up to this point. So that leaves Anneka and Kevin and David and Nadiya waiting to see which of them will face James and Luba in the dance-off, and that couple is...David and Nadiya. So a surprised and delighted Anneka and Kevin are through (though I don't think anyone's briefed Anneka that you're not supposed to look that excited if you're the last person to be saved, you're supposed to give your award-runner-up face in support of the couple facing the dance-off). David tells Tess that he enjoyed the dance, so he doesn't mind doing it again. Craig tells him that it's about acting, and not to focus on the dance, but to focus on the emotion and the power that comes with that.

Claudia is with the final batch of saved couples, and reveals that Alex has a Moana-themed rumba next week. I suppose it's too much to hope that it's to 'You're Welcome', isn't it? [Moana is decidedly not about romance or sexytimes so not sure how that'll work, unless Neil is playing the sea? - Rad] Alex admits that it's passingly ironic because the whole film is about being in the water (more or less) and she's only just learnt to swim. Catherine is basically in bits and Johannes isn't far behind, and let me remind you that this is week one. I have a feeling these two are going to be...deeply emotionally involved in the process, for want of a better phrase. [Touch the Divine!  Touch the Divine! - Rad] Anneka is very grateful to everyone who voted for her "because that's insane", and Claudia reminds us that Emma's famous for making cakes and sweet treats (it says here), and asks Emma what treats she brought into training for Aljaž, and Emma giggles "salmon" in a way that I think you have to be a member of the aristocracy to get the joke?

After an awards-themed trailer for Movie Week where Kelvin thanks Jamie for giving him the opportunity and the Viscountess thanks "the lions, the tigers, the monkeys, the hippos" and the gag is that nobody remembers to thank their pros - comedy! - now we have to watch the two worst dances of last night again, which is why the dance-off is such a terrible idea. James and Luba repeat their jive, and Luba does not drop her pancake this time, so frankly I think they should stay for that alone. There's no real change in quality here, nor should any person expect there to be. David and Nadiya then reprise their paso, which is also...still terrible. Three minutes of my life there that I'll never get back. Six, given that I watched it live and then again to write this recap. I could've been playing Untitled Goose Game, but no.

Craig votes for the couple that "improved beyond compare": David and Nadiya. Motsi thinks the stronger performance and clearer action came from David and Nadiya. Bruno votes to save the couple who applied the judges' comments "and delivered a performance that was like night and day to the other" (lol okay hon, are you being paid by the word or something): David and Nadiya. Shirley confirms that she would also have saved David and Nadiya.

Tess summons James and Luba, and James says he's enjoyed the last three days of the last week once he finally got to grips with his jive, and the luxury of training with someone as good as Luba. He says he's a way better dancer than he was when he started, and Luba's been so patient with him. Luba thanks him for making this journey so amazing, and says that he's inspired her every day.

After a final tease for Movie Week (and Harry Connick Jr on the results show), James and Luba have their final dance to 'Don't Dream It's Over'. Which it is. In the post-show reaction VT, Luba tells James to be proud of himself, Catherine says it's awful seeing somebody go, Michelle says he's going to be fine because he's a champ, Chris is pleased to have made it past week one, Anneka is grateful for the votes, David does not want to be in the dance-off again, Dev and Dianne celebrate being through to another week, as do Alex and Neil, Saffron can't believe she gets another week to dance, Kelvin reminds us again about Movie Week, Aljaž tells Emma she's going to love the theme and the movie, Mike thinks it will be magical, Anton warns us that he has the salsa (poor Emma) and Karim and Amy are ready to go. And we're outta here! Join Rad for a full and frank review next week...