The Marvellous Ms McGee

Christmas Special 2019: 25 December 2019

(Apologies that this is so late, I have spent the festive period being ill and am only just getting back to something approaching normal!)

We open with some snazzy credits, with snowflakes, candy canes and other Christmas paraphernalia surrounding the glitterball in a kaleidoscope effect. I think they might be an upgrade on previous years’ graphics? [I can neither confirm or deny, I watched this year's episode in a turkey haze and remember very little about the titles... - Steve] Then it’s into the annual ‘met the cast’ routine, which takes place at Leeds Castle. 'Pure Imagination’ plays whilst Joe is an innocent decorating the tree at night and wishing for Dianne to arrive and they have a very sensual boogie before we see Aljaž and Nadiya engaging in more lovely waltz action than we got during the whole of the last series. There’s also a coot dog hanging round for…Christmas reasons.

Then daylight breaks and we’re outside, and it looks very cold and wet and super miserable, but the pros are dancing to ‘Underneath the Tree’ and putting a brave face on it. Then Mark Wright appears on a walkway and dances with Janette, and it’s actually nice to see Janette again. The last two series have really been a gamechanger for me in terms of my opinion of several female pros. Karen started to turn my affections around last year with Chucky Venice, but this year she’s become a full-on goddess. Who knew losing Kevin and a lot of hair could be so transformative? [The second part bodes well for me at least! - Steve] Nadiya had never clicked with me until her partnership with David, which I really liked, and after Dr Ranj reinvented Janette in my eyes, I have actually missed her this year since her and Will's time got cut too short. The power of good partnerships, huh? If any of them go between seasons this year I’ll really miss them, which is not something I’d have imagined saying even two years ago.

We join Chizzy at a fairground, where she has the power to turn day to night, meaning this whole sequence has already spanned the best part of a day. She is joined by Graziano, before we see Richard and Luba playing some sort of betting game I don’t recognise. Debbie and Giovanni are canoodling on a carousel (<3 <3) before Kevin comes along and spoils it all by stealing Gio’s woman. Although I’m not not into the post-winner storyline for Kevin Clifton being ‘hussy who steals all the other pros’ partners’, mainly because that was once Brendan’s niche and Kevin seems such an unlikely inheritor of that mantle that it tickles me.

The male pros tease each other with beautifully wrapped presents before heteronormativity reasserts itself in the form of Gemma bursting out of a present and has a cheeky kiss with Gorka.  It’s interesting that they’ve really doubled down on celebrating the real-life couples this year, so let’s see how that plays out in the dancing itself.

Then it’s into the studio for an extra twinkly glockenspiel-ed up version of the theme music as Tess and Claudia enter on the arms of Giovanni and Aljaž. Dresswatch: Tess is in the kind of bacofoil dress that reminds me of 60s’ sci-fi’s vision of the future, and the sequins on it reflect the light in a weird way that makes her face all silver.  Claudia’s in a similarly sparkly green although it’s a bit more flattering. 

The judges enter: Bruno, Motsi, Shirley and Craig – and they’ve all made an effort, which is nice to see. Bruno’s in a sparkly unicorn skin jacket, Motsi’s in a rose gold gown, Shirley’s in fairy-off-the-top-of-the-tree pink and gold and Craig’s in a jacket made of posh wallpaper that is buttoned in a manner that suggests he bought it two dress sizes ago and should really have left it undone. They just about all make their mark, though Craig and Bruno are the ones who come closest to missing. Motsi also gives us a little wave down the camera. *waves back*

Our stars enter: Actress Chizzy Akudolu and Giovanni Pernice; Television presenter [and evil cult leader in Neighbours, can’t believe they left that out, he hoodwinked Denise van Outen and everything] Richard Arnold and Luba Mushtuk; Entertainer and radio broadcaster Debbie McGee and Kevin Clifton; Social media star Joe Sugg and Dianne Buswell (interesting that he hasn’t been turned into a ‘broadcaster’ yet but I guess they don’t want to draw too much attention to the fact that his work has mostly been on this show’s spin-offs) [I was quite impressed with their restraint at not billing him as a West End star - Steve]; Actress and radio presenter Gemma Atkinson and Gorka Marquez (wonder what the Strictly distinction is between radio ‘broadcaster’ and ‘presenter’, probably ‘works for the BBC’ vs ‘works for a commercial station’); TV personality Mark Wright and partner Janette Manrara. I love how ‘TV personality’ is now pretty much all reality TV’s default term for ‘reality TV star’. Stop being ashamed of yourself, genre.

Gemma and Gorka as Slovenly Santa in his PJs and Ded Normal Mrs Claus

Gemma looks back on her time on the show as being Northern and Ded Normal, with BLACKPOOL being her highlight (as is a contractual obligation for every cast member who lives this side of Watford Gap). She’d also like us to know she’s a ‘mum’ not a ‘mother’. SO RELATABLE. Their training footage shows her being a sweaty mess, so we quickly cut to them at home showing off little Mia for maximum baby warz points. And whilst there have been a few Strictly babies (which I’m defining as being born to two pros/contestants) now, I think she might be the first one born whilst one parent was still part of the show?  I mean, as much as we can say Gorka is a part of the show this year. Gemma says they’ll remind Mia in the future that her first Christmas saw her appearing on Strictly ‘with daddy’. Er, it’s with both of you, Gem, I know humility sells and all, but don’t erase yourself from the episode altogether. [Look, I'm just happy for any and all occasions in which Gorka gets called "daddy", don't ruin it for me. - Steve] Then Gorka kisses Mia and she bursts into tears. Oop.

They’re jiving to some countryfied version of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ and it starts with them being ded normal Clauses who spend their days in trackies having rows about waking the baby up… but also having thrones as chairs. (And adding a new twist to the Claus story in that they have stockings for each other meaning... Santa gives himself gifts?) Then there’s a lot of sitting down and faffing about before the dance proper begins. It’s not bad – and certainly impressive for someone who didn’t have a baby all that long ago – but you can see she’s not in peak condition as she struggles with the pace in places. [Giving the jive, in particular, to someone who gave birth less than six months ago really does feel especially cruel, doesn't it? - Steve] There’s not much precision but I don’t remember precision ever being one of Gemma’s main strengths as a dancer last time. They’re mostly in sync until about 2/3 of the way through when something goes wrong – she certainly still gives it plenty of personality, though, and whilst I don’t think they’re going to trouble Debbie or Joe for the prize (unless Gorka has somehow made everyone vote for them to prove his point about how he shouldn’t have been sidelined), it’s not a bad way to open and should see them sitting in the upper half of the leaderboard.

In the crowd are the 2019 cast and Karim really liked that. 

We welcome our singers: Hayley, Billy, Andrea and Tommy, along with Dave Arch in a badly fitting santa hat, and the band. The Man in the Hat appears to be wearing a glittery traffic cone. And it moves!!

Shirley says she got everyone in the festive spirit, Gemma looks gorgeous, there were no mistakes (?) and they have the best chemistry ever. Bruno calls it a real cracker that woke us up from the afternoon slumber, and the mistletoe worked its magic. Craig says he wouldn’t want to do a jive after a big Christmas dinner, and it was amazing how she was able to do that after having a child (even though I’ve never birthed a child, I own all the bits to do so and I’m pretty confident in saying that it is very much NOT the same thing as having a big Christmas dinner), and there was no sign of flagging. Motsi says she enjoys the way Gorka looks at Gemma and that the jive was really energetic with some ‘almost perfect’ pivots. Also, Motsi has 3 star-shaped hair grips in and it’s another look she’s werking.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says Gemma didn’t like the jive much first time and Gemma says she wasn’t best pleased they gave her it this time. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35. They confirm that they’re going to force Mia to watch this dance when she’s 16 to embarrass her, and Claudia gives her a Babygro in the same red as Gemma and Gorka.

For the next link, Tess is sitting with the 2019 stars. She’s bang in the middle of THE VISCOUNTESS, who is in a beautiful red glittery dress, i.e. basically the embodiment of Christmas, sign her up for next year’s special already; Saffron (in a summery white jumpsuit); Mike (in an ill-fitting jacket and a maximum dad points Santa tie) and Anneka (in a very short blue sequinned dress, what a style makeover she had). Karim is out of shot though I know he was next to Anneka from previous footage. Behind them on the second row are Dev, David, Auntie Cath and Kelvin, with Chris, Michelle, Alex and Emma B relegated to the naughty kids’ row in the back, something Emma seems a bit miffed about. No sign of Will or James.

Mark and Janette as Waiter and Waitress

Mark reminds us that he was basically really annoying when he was on the show before. They rewatch his salsa with Karen in training and Janette says he looks nervous. He says he was upset that he got to the final and never got a 10, when if he’d been cast 5 years later he’d have definitely got at least 9 of the buggers just for turning up (not that I’m still raging over this year’s final or anything).

They’re dancing their salsa to ‘Christmas Wrapping’ [bad idea! bad! - Steve] and they are repurposing the diner set from Luba and James’s jive, wearing generic 50s-style blue and black costumes that Nadiya and Lee; Ashley and Pasha and numerous others have worn before. Compare this death slotting with the lavish set and strong storyline that Gemma and Gorka had and I don’t think we’ll be hearing ‘Janette Manrara, 3 time Christmas champion’ any time soon. Despite the set, running order and his general personality all being a hindrance, this isn’t actually a terrible routine for a good 50% of the time. His mouth is gawping too much for me, but his hips and legs are pretty good. Then about halfway through he shrugs, kind of gives up, and lets Janette do the rest before a decent lift at the end to try and redeem it.

Bruno says ‘if you like your Christmas dish extra hot, Mark will deliver’, Craig says he’s very loose of hip and he thinks he’s been like that before, then Mark says ‘since you told me they were too stiff I’ve spent five years loosening them’, then Craig says ‘better late than never’. Craig says there was a mistake part-way through. What, like the mistake in your critique just then when you said he used to have hips then didn’t? However, he loved the ‘double dive roll’ at the beginning and the lifts. Motsi liked the energy and rhythm and his ‘million-dollar smile’. Shirley says it had everything although she’s basically commenting on his chest. Then he and Tess tell them to give him a 10. They didn’t give Gemma one and she had a whole BABYWARZ storyline, so good luck with that.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells him he’s with the ‘reigning Christmas champion’ like that’s a thing anyone cares about. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35 and then Claudia gives him a replica 10 paddle. The trolling on that though.

Chizzy and Graziano as a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen

Chizzy has the cha cha today and says she’d like to score more than the 21 she got in her series, which seems pretty much a given in a Christmas special. She also notes that both Pasha and Graziano pronounce her name ‘Chit-zee’. Of more interest in this VT is her training footage, in which she wears the worst hairstyle I’ve ever seen on a celeb that was self-inflicted rather than a gift of the show’s hair team. She has bunches, one high, falling over her face, and one low, hanging below her chin. Girl, speak to Motsi, stat. Graziano, for his part, is wearing a T-shirt saying ‘perfection is boring’. Yeah, you stick it to all those people who said you’re an underwhelming pro, G! Who cares about 10s, 5s are just as valid. Chizzy then takes him to a Christmas market where he won’t let her have mulled wine because they’re training, but is perfectly happy with hot chocolates laden with cream and a mountain of marshmallows. She then takes him to a private cabin to sing karaoke.  

Literally everyone stealing Giovanni’s things tonight, wonder who’s getting the ‘thangyew’. Any way, neither can sing, but Graziano reveals that he pronounces ‘r’s as ‘w’ which is kind of adorkable. They’re cha-cha-chaing to the Shirley Bassey version of ‘Get This Party Started’ and it’s set in an office where Chizzy harasses Graziano, then they get changed into their outfits to dance. Chizzy’s hair looks great, which is nice, after that VT. Costume-wise, she is mostly wearing tinsel, and someone hasn’t fitted it properly on her, or else hasn’t finished it, because the whole back is gaping undone. As for the dancing, it’s basically walking, with some nice finishes and flourishes, though she gives a lot of FACE and does the splits for no real reason other than she can. [My mum *literally* screamed when that happened, it was hilarious. - Steve] It’s all perfectly fun in a camp Christmassy way.

Craig says ‘OMG it was pretty amazing actually’ and says she went way too early and no-one got to see how fantastic it was. Motsi says she didn’t start the party, she shut it down, and you can’t buy charisma but she has it. Shirley says she wants to party with her and praises the finger pointing and head snapping, and tells Chizzy to have a sherry. Literally can’t think of a drink less likely to be Chizzy’s tipple. Bruno says she had great placement and finish, and her hip action was very good – it was highly entertaining and wonderful.

In the Clauditorium, she says she wanted to do better than last time ‘and I think my highest score was 39, so’ *wink*.  Heh.  Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 for a very Christmassy 36 and the Christmas special continues its tradition of weird redemption for early boots. Chizzy’s present? A framed badly photocopied promo pic of Graziano from the 2018 series. 

We get a preview of what’s to come: DEBBIE MCGEE.

Tess and Claud do a bit where they pull a cracker and Tess moans that Claudia always wins, so Claud pulls so hard she falls over, and Tess, gets the present – a pack of screwdrivers that actually look like a branded pack. I love that they spent more money on the present for a joke than on... well anything else tonight.

Richard and Luba as The Grinch and Cindy-Lou Who

In his VT Richard reminds us he was on this show 7 years ago and was part of one of the most memorable moments in Strictly history, i.e. Erin Island realised. He says his mother will be happy he’s in the arms of a woman again, nod to camera, and you know how they say many a true word is spoken in jest? I just felt a bit sorry for Richard Arnold for a moment there. He says he was looking forward to getting a free fake tan but then learned Pasha had left so he was getting daubed in green paint instead. Luba gets him to watch the Jim Carrey version of the film (honestly much prefer the Benedict Cumberbatch one but YMMV) and he namedrops that he met Jim Carrey once. So what, I got name-dropped in Doctor Who magazine this month by CHIBNALL, who’s got the better claim to fame, huh?

They’re foxtrotting to ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr Grinch’ and he’s basically wearing the remains of Orville on his body, with a lot of massive black lines drawn on his face that don’t so much resemble the Grinch as a 6 year old going to town with the face paint. Luba’s hair is atrocious looking but in a way that pretty much perfectly captures the hairstyle from the film, so good job? The dancing isn’t too bad considering he’s covered in fluff and presumably very hot, plus the costume is so baggy you can’t really tell what he’s doing to know whether or not it’s any good. It doesn’t seem to have much in the way of dazzling tricks, but there are a couple of cute character moments, and it’s a decent enough comedy Christmas routine without being super memorable. 

Motsi says it was nice and light, and I just notice she’s wearing glittery red lipstick, let us stan. She says it looked like he was having fun. Shirley says he was lovely, and looked like he’d had mulled wine as he was behind her and the pivots looked drunk but it was sweet and the children at home probably enjoyed it. Bruno says in places he looked like Shrek (which can’t be a criticism given Chelsee and Pasha’s Shrek jive is still regarded as one of the best, even in this age of about 15 jives being in the holy pantheon), but there were lots of lovely bits too. Craig says he’s never looked better and actually he danced it rather well, with a lovely frame and musicality.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia gives a shout out to the hair and makeup team and Richard says the glitter never leaves you, and he needs a cocktail right now. She says he cries when the Christmas tree comes down and he says he lets ‘the other half’ derig. Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32. Richard’s ‘present’ is to do a terrible rap because his makeup used all the budget.

Joe and Dianne as candy canes

Joe and Dianne’s VT contains three new pieces of information: 1) they take the results show as inspiration and like to recreate some of the dances from it at home. No word as to whether they mean the pro dances or the dance-off ones, though. Or maybe the end of the show leaving dances - congaing around their kitchen? 2) They’re spending Christmas in Australia this year and this is the cue for some weird Whittards product placement as they search for teas to give to Dianne's folks. 3) Couple’s choice has now officially entered the previous safe haven of the Christmas special. How many pearls are clutched as this revelation takes hold will no doubt be a Digital Spy headline this evening.

They’re Street Commercialing to a funked-up ‘Sleigh Ride’ and, whilst a little rough around the edges, it’s better than many of this year’s offerings, bringing a cute touch to the genre, with them balancing off giant presents and taking an imaginary sleigh ride… before SHOCK! TWIST! It’s a quickstep after all! (I am watching this on New Year’s Day and have already had palpitations from the big Doctor Who moment, and now this, BBC, why are you trying to kill me?) They even have some canes thrown in as a nod to the candy cane theme as well. It’s super sugary and cute, if a little imprecise. I’m a bit scared to say I enjoyed it though, because that was basically FUSION in disguise (a returning villain that no-one saw coming? Another thing it has in common with… [spoilers]) and I am very much not here for that corpse reanimating.

Shirley praises him for working hard and giving his all. Bruno says it was a fantastic, exciting Christmas treat, that was original and witty and it was deliciously exciting. Tess ask Craig if he’ll finally give Joe his 10 and he says probably not, but he might if the audience join in with a ‘Fab-u-Lous’. Motsi calls it creative and clever and loves their infectious energy. 

In the Clauditorium, when we look at Dianne close up we can see that the make-up team have actually given Dianne stripy eyeliner in a true commitment to the candy came theming, though it’s also quite uncanny valley (speaking of which, AJ is bang centre behind them throughout with his AJ smile). Claudia also reminds us that Joe does the podcast ‘with Kim’, which I feel is a little bit of justice for that poor woman after being called ‘and friends’ all series. [She'll get a surname by 2022 at this rate! - Steve]

Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 40, but as always, the shit is lost when Craig gives it up and no-one cares about the rest. Joe’s present?  His parents being total narks and sharing old VHS footage of a very young and adorably excited Joe getting the Star Wars trilogy 20th anniversary VHS box set and being super excited.  I got that as a gift too.  For my 18th birthday. *SOB*.  Joe says he was always taught to be grateful for any gift he got, and his nana gave him a knitted coathanger once, which he still has (cut to nan laughing her face off in the audience). What. Is. A. Knitted. Coathanger? 

We only have one couple left, but 25 minutes of runtime, which means lots of super delicious filler to come, yay.

Debbie and Kevin as 80s kids’ TV presenters skiers

Debbie says she’s always getting stopped in the street by people telling her they loved her on Strictly. I wonder how many of them did a Craig bow at her feet. She also has fond memories of D-E-B-B-E-H, which is correct. She doesn’t mention the absolute slating the Cats film got, and how it would have been a 10/10 five star smash if they’d cast her in it, which is very generous of her. She and Kevin play on a skiing arcade game in their VT and they’re rubbish at it, plus it also looks like a health and safety nightmare, I hope someone did the proper risk assessment. 

We soon see why Mark Wright got no budget for his dance, because the bench of romantic contemplation has been trimmed with tinsel and turned into a ski lift, which descends bearing Debbie, whilst the actual Matterhorn sits in the background with Kevin asleep in front of it until Debbie wakes him. They are [also] quickstepping to ‘Jingle Bells’ and Kevin starts by shouting ‘Debbeh’.  That’s Gio’s line, Clifton, stop it you cad. Instead of canes, they have skis (/giant ice lolly sticks painted gold), which are quite cumbersome, though they do an admirable enough job wielding them despite them being both too short and too wide to do the job as well as an actual cane. Or even a ski pole. The dance isn’t *quite* peak McGee, her chemistry with Kevin, whilst perfectly fine, is not in the league of her partnership with Giovanni, and there are a couple of places where it’s lacking in precision in the footwork, but she does get her leg up over her head (after a brief skirt mishap) and also recreates THAT lift from her American Smooth even though I don’t *think* quickstep should technically have lifts in it, if Craig wants to randomly get his rulebook out again. Nevertheless, it’s much more technical than most of today’s other dances, and she performs the whole thing with musical theatre chutzpah and it’s Debbie McGee, it’s getting 40, we need just stan. Also, props to the make-up team for giving Kevin a proper eye mask fake tan line, it looks really good and also horrifically wrong at the same time.

Bruno says his bells are still ringing, because she is a ‘sparkler of the highest standard’ and the dance was ‘top notch at every level’. Tess reminds Craig that he once bowed at her feet and he says he hasn’t the energy but he loved it, especially her energy and flexibility. Motsi says if she had to speak about exactly how good it was she’d be speaking until New Year’s, whilst Shirley says it was a great Christmas present and everything she did was to perfection.

In the Clauditorium, Kevin says that Giovanni said to him ‘with Debbie you can do ANYTHING’ and a million shippers got back to writing more fanfic. By which I mean us and Chris, primarily.  Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 40. Debbie’s present from Kevin? Obviously it’s Giovanni, because Kevin’s quickly gone from being part of one throuple to another. The absolute sides of post-divorce Kevin and Karen are quite something.

Tess appears with the S17 cast and a few mince pies, and they immediately elbow all the Christmas cast out of the way for airtime in case we’ve all memory holed them in the week or two they’ve been off our screens.

Recap of tonight: Gorka and Gemma being adorable; Mark making up the numbers; Chizzy harassing Graziano; Richard the Grinch; Joe reinventing f*sion; That Debbie Creature.

Time for our SPECIAL GUEST – and it’s Resentful Direction who apparently has a Christmas song that I’ve never heard before? [From what I've heard about his album I'm surprised it wasn't called 'Bum You In A Car Park At Christmas'. - Steve] He’s wandering through some trees whilst Nadiya and Johannes have a little rumba around. It’s a perfectly acceptable song but all the value of Resentful for me is in his interviews which are still unfailingly in the pissy vein we first fell in love with on the X Factor. NOW PAIR HIM WITH GORKA FOR STRICTLY 2020 PLEASE AND THANKS. Then it snows on Nadiya and Johannes and she dies and he lugs her body about a bit before burying her, like it’s an EastEnders special or something, the end. Makes a change from falling over, I guess.

Our charity clip of the year features the Christmas crew going to an event for a child bereavement charity, and there’s crafting and inflatable reindeer hats and it’s all very wholesome and emotional content, and a little boy says it was his best night ever and excuse me, my contact lenses have gone a bit blurry.

Time for our results, and the winners are… Debbie and Kevin, duh. So now the Clifton siblings have one regular and one Christmas trophy apiece, expect a battle royale at some point when Joanne gets bored of musical theatre/panto (she’s in my local panto and I was surprised to learn it was her first one, because never did anyone have a personality better suited to the form).

They all dance out in white and feathers to ‘White Christmas’, and I feel the feather fans they use would have had more impact if we hadn’t already had BRUNO! SINGS! To make this feel like a pale imitation. He does at least get to pose right down the camera in antlers though. Then Craig turns up in a foam snowflake outfit laughing his head off and OK this episode was actually all kinds of sweet, it was a nice tone to end the year on.

So that’s it for another year!  Thanks for reading along and for your comments and theories.  We will no doubt see you later in the year for series 18 unless all the pros have been Brexited out of the country and all that’s left is Anton vs Kevin vs Neil vs Amy for who can be the most patriotic, but until then, keeeeeeeep dancing.  Or watching other people dancing whilst imbibing gin, whatever gives you pleasure in these new roaring twenties.