Bubblin' Hot

Launch show: 17th October 2020

Welcome back! This year of all years it feels really nice to have Strictly. (And, to be honest, I'm not mad at the shorter run) [Me neither, if we're being honest! - Steve]. So tonight it's our launch show, the time to see how the new social distancing measures will work, discover who glowed up the best in lockdown, learn who’s paired with whom, find out at what point in proceedings someone will first CALL OFCOM and, most importantly of all, check if Tess is coping OK with the news she won't be able to claw at the contestants this year.

To the ballroom! (After sanitising, washing your hands for 20 seconds, wearing a mask and making sure to stand at least 2 metres away from anyone not in your social bubble)

We open with a contempowaft pro dance to ‘Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good)’ in which Oti, Karen, Dianne, Giovanni float about, all carefully 2m apart, barefoot in drapey fabrics on a beach and I think it should look all romantic and wistful but it’s blowing a gale and all I could think was how impressed I was that they were managing to dance in sand and puddles with bare feet, rather than just sinking, and to not be too bothered by the fabric around them getting soggy. Still, the sunrise behind them looked nice. Then we’re over to Luba and Graziano who are also socially distanced, dancing on some cobbles – another tricky flooring to dance on, I assume. We move to the grounds of a stately home where Janette and Aljaž run on grass (in heels, in Janette’s case, and anyone who’s successfully navigated turf in stilettos without getting their heel stuck is a luckier soul than I) and we have our first official actual touching of the series. [I immediately took this to mean that they've been living with The Viscountess (now The Marchioness) since last series; don't tell me if I'm wrong, I'd rather not know - Steve]

We then fade into the ballroom where the song turns into Ultra Nate's ‘Free’ and the dance becomes a Latin/disco blend. The floaty blue and white frocks become feathered and sequinned ones in the same colour scheme, which I think is a nice touch, well done Vicky Giggles et al. The rest of the pros join them, along with at least two male dancers I don’t recognise – given four pros are benched this series as it is (Neil, Graziano, Nancy and Nadiya) it seems mad we need extras to make up numbers, but I guess we did lose two male pros to no female ones last year. However, now we’re finally ushering in the era of same-sex partnerships, do we actually need to keep the numbers of men and women even? (Technically two bonus male dancers means there are more male dancers than female unless there’s a spare female dancer I didn’t notice, but I assume that’s due to the ‘Anton can’t be arsed unless it’s lovely lovely ballroom or a comic ‘bit’ factor’). And for those that are interested in such things, the trousers they’ve put the male pros in are very bum-enhancing. [I am interested in such things. - Steve] There are also a TON of singers, all socially distanced around the stage and steps, whom I’m guessing might be a gospel choir or something similar? There’s a little smattering of ‘As’ at the end of the room to welcome our judges, but 'as' they’ll get a proper intro in a minute anyway, we’ll come back to them (badum tish).

Overall, it’s a lovely upbeat way to welcome us back, even if the message of being ‘free to do what you want to do’ might not sit well with those in Tier 3 right at this moment.

Tess and Claudia enter from opposite sides, neither accompanied by anyone, and they don’t get to go into the middle and hug. [I genuinely felt quite sad about this, I'm an emotional wreck. - Steve] Daly Dresswatch: a nicely cut strapless dress made of the fur of 101 sparkly Dalmatians. What Winkleman’s Wearing: Rose gold sequinned pyjamas. Someone’s clearly still embracing that lockdown life.

In the first of many segments designed to appease the Call Ofcom brigade, who have clearly let lockdown frazzle their minds, going on the fact that there’s a new TV show complained about every sodding day, Tess’n’Claud explain that there have been some changes: the pro dances were all pre-recorded; the judges will all be sitting at socially distanced desks; the pairings will form social bubbles, with some of them moving out of the family home to do so; there’s a small audience sitting together in household groups and wearing masks; the band and singers are all encased in Perspex cages (which doesn’t look the most fun and I suspect it’ll be a bit, err, steamy in there), and, most egregious of all, the two of them will have to stay two metres apart. I mean why they didn’t properly commit to the cause and move their households in together I don’t know. At home with the Winkleman-Daly-Kays could have made for a great spin-off show and it’s not like the BBC’s drowning in new content right now.

The judges enter for real, and they’re all looking swishy. Shirley’s in a purple gown, Motsi’s in a red and gold multichrome dress, and Craig’s in a bronze jacket. It’s so weird not to see Bruno, and whilst I’d hoped his virtual presence would lead to him being a floating head on a screen commenting on each dance, apparently he’s just going to be offering opinions via the results show, which is no fun at all, as well as a three judge system messing with the spreadsheets of the show’s most ardent fans. (The race to get a perfect 30 just doesn’t sound that exciting, does it?!)

Motsi says it feels amazing to be back and see some actual humans (boy do I miss humans). Craig says there’ll be no no-detriment policy in his scoring, and Shirley thinks the sparkle will do everyone good.

And time for the annual ‘whose agent got them the best uplift’ role-call: Actress Caroline Quentin; Singer and actor Max George; Radio 1 DJ Clara Amfo; Former Royal Marine and TV Presenter JJ Chalmers; EastEnders star Maisie Smith; Broadcaster and AFL star; Newsreader and presenter Ranvir Singh; TV personality Jamie Laing; Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith; Pop Star HRVY; Olympic Boxing Champion Nicola Adams and Comedian and Actor Bill Bailey.

Of those, I’d say Max’s bio is the most generous, given he had a tiny role in Glee years ago and isn’t really a pop star either nowadays (he seems to mostly be a model?); HRVY’s (I am this close to sacking that find-and-replace nonsense name off and just calling him Harvey I swear) ‘pop star’ could either be a promotion or demotion depending on how much kudos you’d ascribe to the ‘and social media star’ omission; Jason’s ‘broadcaster’ is maybe a little dolled up for being a pundit; and Caroline could maybe be a little aggrieved that ‘and presenter’ was missing from her bio. 

Speaking of Caroline, she’s in what looks to be her third launch outfit of the last few weeks, a navy top with a flared out skirt that suits her better than the terrible skirt she was in for some of the promo shots (though I didn’t mind the trouser combo they had her in at first). I’m wondering if that’s telling of some SECRET! DIVA! SCANDAL!, and given I like Caroline, I can’t decide whether her being a diva would be a catastrophe for her or actually turn her into an icon. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. She is at least the most enthusiastic theme tune jigger of the cast, with Ranvir and Jamie respectable runners-up. Max and Jason just stand there doing nothing with their legs spaced apart like they’re trying to recreate that Tory stance meme of last year (god, remember the innocent times of 2019?).

We’re shown the Glitterball trophy which looks to be brand new? Or was it new last year? I forget when they ran out of space.

Time to meet the celebs proper now. Caroline describes herself as an actor, presenter and singer, and I don’t remember her being a singer (and I hope she’s not planning to join the ever growing ranks of TV presenters and actors releasing albums as mid-life crisis), but apparently she’s done some musical theatre, and there was that one single with Leslie Ash that I’d managed to blot from my mind. [I bought that. - Shamefaced Steve] She says she went to ballet school as a little girl and isn’t afraid of being considered a DIRTY RINGAH because she was rubbish. She says she vomits a lot, and the producers no doubt have added Viennese Waltz to her dance card already.

Clara says she loves music and she’s also this year’s THOOPAFAN, and she can’t wait to get her first criticism from Craig. Ranvir shows us some clips of her being on Good Morning Britain with a bad fringe, and good decision on growing that one out, Ranvir.

Tess explains that the pairings can’t happen in the studio because of ‘the situation’ [the guy from Jersey Shore? - Steve] and so they were already paired up before the launch show, and we have VTs that recorded the moment. [Love that. An entire show that could have been an email. - Steve]

Caroline is meeting her partner at the Globe, and she luvvies around in a jaunty hat pondering whether she should close her eyes, and ‘what would Shakespeare do’? Honestly if she is going to go full method then she could be hilarious fun. Especially in Halloween week (do we know which theme weeks are even happening this year, other than not Blackpool? I would think they’d be harder to do in the current climate, especially musicals week which usually relies on big numbers with spare dancers). [Just Movie Week and Musicals Week this year, and they're basically the same week anyway. - Steve] Her partner is Johannes and she screeches that he’s the one she wanted. Whether she wanted him specifically or just ‘not Anton’, who knows, but this could be a very camp and entertaining partnership if they play it right (and a noisy or argumentative one if they don’t). She tells him she’s already been practising her tango and Charleston faces. The height mismatch looks awkward but apparently, at a whole 5’4, Caroline is the second tallest female celeb (after Jacqui) this year! I guess in tough economic times they have to find ways of pinching the pennies and spending less on sequinned fabrics is one way to do that.

We join them in the new-look Clauditorium, which has had a plush gold, pink and purple makeover as well as being set up for social distancing. I guess we won’t be getting any group huddling around the results as they come in, which could be quite a weird change. (Also, it’s a bit weird hearing another contestant called Caroline after having a little blub watching the lovely Strictly tribute to Flackers the other day, but I guess we’ll get used to it soon).

Clara is next, and she doesn’t get to go anywhere to meet her partner, who turns up at work. We see his hair which means we know it’s Aljaž before she does. Hilariously, when she sees him, she immediately runs away. What on earth would she have done had Anton turned up? Aljaž tells her she’s gone the wrong way. She leaps on him and he asks about her favourite music. She says Prince and Stevie Wonder, and he blurps ‘…and George Michael?’, which is just pinch-his-cheeks cute, who knew he was a Wham! fanboy? Claudia asks Clara if she’s happy and Clara replies ‘he was in my top 3 – er,  number one’. Bless her, I love her. I was once on an episode of Artsnight she curated but I never actually got to meet her, and I wish I had, she seems like a total sweetheart. [I really like her so far and I hope she goes a lot further than I suspect she is actually going to. - Steve]

Ranvir tells us she has an eight year old who was very excited she was doing this show, if you’re looking for who’s likely to deploy the BABY WARZ storylines. She gets to meet her dancer in woodland out walking her dog which is the plot of the recent film 23 Walks and that film ends up going to some sexy places, showmance watchers. Anyway, she’s meeting Giovanni, and turns up in red wellies to his dancing shoes. In the Clauditorium, Ranvir tells Claudia she had a dream about him and they met in Venice which all sounds romantic. They will be dancing a paso doble to Beyonce apparently. Let’s hope it’s not a rerun of Alex’s FOR THE WIMMIN routine from last year, once was plenty.

Shirley says she and Caroline have something in common, representing the women of the same age group (I had to google their ages and apparently they both recently turned 60 so hope you had nice celebrations, ladies, despite, you know). Craig says he’s very happy to banter with Clara. Motsi tells Ranvir ‘you’ve got that man, girl, and you’re in trouble’. Somewhere, Debbie McGee sharpens a nail file.

We then get a VT with the pro dancers explaining how the group dances were recorded. They all had to be quarantined for a fortnight, then tested, then they all made a household in a hotel for a month with select members of the crew (Jason Gilkison was in; Matt Flint Mania was out). They spent four weeks choreographing, rehearsing and then filming all the dances which actually looked like it could have been quite fun? We’re told we’re getting ‘all the dances – ballroom, Latin, contemporary, Lindy hop’. I did a little laugh at Aljaž telling us that very earnestly. We get sneak peeks at all the dances (including Christmas!) which I’m not entirely down with because: spoilers, but it does look like Johannes is doing a Priscilla: Queen of the Desert tribute and: here for it. We’re also having a JAMES BOND dance and I bet that was originally planned to coincide with the film release date (PS I am SO SAD about Cineworld). [Oh god, me too. 2020 has been so fucking bleak. - Steve]

And here we are with one of said dances: the Latin-cum-Charleston mash up of ‘It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)’ and ‘Dance Monkey’ that was heavily trailered before the show. It’s also our first chance to see the new pro haircuts: Gorka and Karen have gone bleached blonde like they’re planning to form an Erasure tribute act; Amy has gone blonder and curlier, Dianne’s had a trim, but most intriguingly, Anton has embraced his natural grey. It looks good, but it’s a surprise after all these years. (Bruno has also gone to the grey side during lockdown in case you haven’t seen the photos). Also: Graziano and Nancy haven’t got any better at talking to the camera in case you were wondering why they’re still benched, bless them.

Tommy and Andrea are on singing duties and have been strategically placed at a social distance from each other and the cast through creative staging and I really like what they did there, it looks quite musical theatre – the lack of performing with the audience might mean we get some extra creativity in sets and I’m not against that. This one sees us in a jazz club where Nadiya is pulling all the men’s focus. I do feel a bit sorry for her that she is sitting out just as she started to grow on me. Also: ANTON SINGS! KLAXON. CALL OFCOM, PUBLIC HEALTH ENGLAND AND, I DUNNO, JACINDA ARDERN, SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT!

Our next group of celebs starts with HRVY who is one of three of the male cast members I’ve never heard of before (Jason and JJ the others). He says when he was 17 he thought it’d be ‘a bit cooler’ to take the vowels out. See what 37 year old you has to say about that, Harvey. He seems a bit cocky but that could just be bravado. Also, I hear he’s a DIRTY RINGAH but then everyone thought that of Saffron, Vick Hope etc so we’ll see.

Jason is someone I only vaguely knew about because he was with Nuhdeen Girls Aloud for a bit (and then only because the tabloids reminded me), but American Football is a SPORTSMAN genre this show hasn’t yet plundered so points for ingenuity, and apparently American footballers do well on DWTS so he could be a ‘dark horse’. And Jamie Laing is back, hoping he’s not getting injured again, and he talks about Made in Chelsea and says ‘it sounds a bit rubbish, but I promise it’s not’. He does seem one of the more endearing members of that cast, so hopefully he’ll have a bit of fun this time around. Also: he could totally join Karen and Gorka in an 80s synthpop tribute act and I might pay money to see them play the hits of Erasure, Bronski Beat and the Communards (just don't tell the Rev).

HRVY tells us he did get the plague but now he’s clean, don’t call Ofcom (I totally see why they need to be very clear a lot about their safety protocols, but I’m hoping they only need to remind us of it in the first live show and then the audience can just be assumed to understand because nobody needs them to be so earnest every episode). He goes to meet his partner at Wembley Arena and talks about performing there as if he was actually on his own tour rather than doing a slot at the Radio 1 Teen Awards, which I’m sure was a lovely experience and everything, but it’s not Ariana Grande. Heck, it’s not even that one from The Wanted. Anyway, we see the boots of the pro first and anyone who has seen It Takes Two knows those belong to Janette. She seems very happy to meet him. 

Now Janette Manrara is a very beautiful woman who is younger than me, but he's so babyfaced that she looks like his mum. And honestly, that’s actually a mode of Janette I am here for, it could bring new levels. Claudia says HRVY wanted a short partner. He says yes because he’s really scrawny. Heh, maybe he’ll grow on me. Claudia makes them do a lift and HRVY is pleased not to drop her. We learn that Janette and Aljaž are living apart because of the bubble thing, bless them.

Jason comes out and we learn his daughter is only six, take that Ranvir with your 8 year old and Janette with yr nw vwl phbc sn. Jason goes to Tottenham Hotspur’s ground which seems a bit weird, but is apparently where the NFL happens in the UK. The NFL happens in the UK, who knew? [Me! I used to work in the same building as their HQ, so every so often I shared the lift with dudes built like brick outhouses. - Steve] Anyway, he’s tall, so obviously he gets Luba. I do feel a bit sorry for her having two SPORTSMEN in a row but he can’t be worse than James, can he? Jason says American Football is like dancing because it involves footwork and balance, and he apparently loves dancing, so there might be some ringah potential here. Luba gets to develop a little bit more personality than she was allowed to show last year by saying she has two sides to her, the smiley Luba and the strict Russian one.

Jamie is next as Tess asks him how it feels to be the first person in two Strictly lineups and he says ‘it’s a bit embarrassing’ and I know he probably means he was embarrassed to get injured last year but it does sound like ‘it’s a bit embarrassing to be reduced to having to be on this show twice, but it’s a global pandemic, times are hard.’ (I’m sure the biscuit industry is one of the few that will have boomed during lockdown but I guess he’s only the heir, not the one making the fortune right now). 

In a reverse of the VT narrative, we don’t see Jamie waiting for his pro, instead we see Karen waiting around on the street, getting hassled by a kerb crawler and she asks the camera ‘was that my partner?’. Then Jamie pulls up on a scooter and she bursts out laughing. So OK, it’s weird he isn’t back with Oti, whether it’s because she hobbled him deliberately to get Kelvin or the show just didn’t want to be predictable; and yes, it’s a disappointment Karen doesn’t get to be part of the first same-sex partnership despite all the work she’s put in to the pursuit of butchness (though she’s a lot taller than Nicola so it might not have worked), but they’ve put the butchest straight female pro with the campest straight male contestant so I have hope for some brilliantly gender-bending poppers-o-clock fun with these two. [This is a good point that I hadn't considered, I am now looking forward to this too. - Steve]

He also tells her he’s been dreaming of this all year, so Karen’s makeover clearly did it for him as much as the rest of us. In the Clauditorium, Karen says she likes Jamie’s positivity and he tells us she was massively disappointed the first time she saw him dance. Bless. But I do wish Karen would get a contendah soon. (I know a lot of people wanted her with Him from The Wanted but he seems a bit of a dud, personality-wise, and we all remember the horror of her pairing up with Nicky and his no-no, so I’m glad she escaped a rerun of that). Motsi warns Jamie not to die in the car crash group dance tonight and some woman in the background nods sagely. It is very weird to see the audience all in foreboding black face masks, please can someone order some sparkly ones for the live shows?

Time for a Very Special Guest Performance: MNEK and Joel Corry doing ‘Head & Heart’. MNEK looks lovely in his shiny jacket and frosted eye make-up, Joel looks like he’s spent a bit too long with the fake tan machine. Graziano and Nadiya dance for a little bit and then go away again, then Neil and Nancy come out, with Nancy wearing what looks to be several of those mother of pearl chandeliers people’s grandmothers used to have in the 1980s.

Nicola now and we see a LOT of the boxy-boxy motion, which is fine for now, but may get a little tired in time. She’s adorable and smiley though and she says ‘what scared me most? Spiders. I can’t stand spiders’ and the producer goes ‘no Nicola, we meant with the dancing’. How do you know she wasn’t just putting in requests for Halloween week? 

Jacqui points out she was the UK’s first female home secretary and says she does a podcast and appears on Good Morning Britain. Good grief, there’s two of them this year? I thought we were spacing them out to delay the inevitable day he-who-must-not-be-named gets cast for as long as possible. 

Maisie wears a tiara in her VT, which I hope is a deliberate wind-up for the DIRTY RINGAH haters because we all know she can dance already.

Nicola says she retired from boxing a year ago, having won every major title, and she has her eyes on the prize. Tess says she’s seen Nicola dancing on social media and reckons she has the moves. Nicola goes to meet her partner at the Royal Albert Hall, where she last defended her title. Obviously we all know it’s Katya because the press leaked it ages ago, but the reveal is cute – they hide her under a giant glitterball and lift it to show them to each other. Unsurprisingly, Katya is way more excited than Nicola. I really hope Katya tones down her, well, Katya-ness, a bit this year. Innovation: good; obnoxiously loud gimmick factory: bad.

Jacqui promises never to do Gangnam Style and she’s asked what she looks for in a partner, like it matters, because she’s so obviously the Anton that we start with him, not her. He ‘surprises’ her by meeting her outside the Houses of Parliament in a fake nose, glasses and moustache and a flasher mac. And I thought we’d already seen all the levels of frightening Anton had to offer. Man’s got layers, I’ll give him that. He asks her if she’s danced before and she says she’s done a bit of Scottish dancing. Anton: ‘Well that’s Couple’s Choice sorted’. Tee hee. Jacqui says she only introduced her mum to Strictly last year and I can’t believe there was a woman over 70 in this country who didn’t already watch this show, rescind her License Fee exemption! (Oh, wait…)

Unsurprisingly, Gorka has been rewarded for his year of being pissy by being given Maisie. Their special place to meet? The Strictly studio, with a spotlight all over her. Alright, BBC, tone it down. They have a samba for their first dance, which has ‘last dance of the episode’ written all over it.

Craig says he’s looking forward to Katya not having to pretend to lead and… I thought the whole thing we were told was Nicola wanted to do the lead? Maybe it’ll be more of a mix and match approach. Still, I think they’ve done a really good job at introducing the first same-sex pairing because whilst the press have been all over it, the show itself has just treated them the same as everyone else and mentioning the first time was as understated as them having their first Paralympians on.

Now it’s time for the returnee dance, with Kelvin not having changed much in the last year on first appearances. We’re reminded of his “journey”: obvious winner in week one, then winning, such a storyline. He does call Tess ‘test’ though, what a Freudian slip. They reprise the jive (except to ‘Shout’ this time), which is probably due to social distancing as it’s pretty much the only dance that can be done without touching. It’s as sloppy and unrehearsed and short as winner returning dances always are, but he looks like he’s having fun, so hooray.

JJ throws the next salvo in BABY WARZ, his daughter is only FOUR. Bill says he’s been working on fitness by chasing chickens round his garden. Who knew he was a veritable Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall. Max was in a boyband ‘but we didn’t really dance’, just like Harry Judd and his own bandmate Jay. Such a new exciting personality on this one. He doesn’t even have Jay’s interesting hair, unless his storyline is going to be the reverse of Jay’s and growing it makes him all powerful.

In the studio, JJ talks about being injured in the Marines and recovering from that, and being friends with Prince Harry. He seems nice enough for being the person I know least about in the whole cast. [Aw I love him, but I do fear he'll be an early boot. - Steve] He meets his partner in the grounds of the National Maritime Museum – a very pleased Amy who looks like she’ll get a nice gentle controversy-free mid-low-table partnership which is probably what she needs after three partners who were very intense, in very different ways. He’s apparently living away from his kids, but he says he’s used to working away, and video calling his daughter from the studio blew her mind. Aww.

Bill says he’s been fitted for some amazing outfits and says he’s been reading Craig’s ‘Teach Yourself Ballroom’ book. He meets his partner at the London Wetlands centre where he goes birdwatching. His partner is Oti, who gets her first mature contestant, and this could be quite an interesting pairing. Next week they’ll be dancing the cha cha cha. (I hope a shorter series means fewer cha chas but I have my doubts).

That means Max is left with Dianne. They meet at Abbey Road studios, which he doesn’t seem to have ever visited, so much for ‘personal’ venues, but I suppose they’re limited to London locations. Dianne puts his hands and neck into ballroom mode and he looks like he’ll have a good frame. In the Clauditorium, Dianne is pleased that he has long arms and a good neck for ballroom.

And now it’s time for the most important part of the show – discovering if the car crash group dance will be as entertaining without the possibility of them all crashing into each other. OH! I’ve just realised – does this mean no rigathon this year?! If so we've found the one good outcome to Covid-19. They’re dancing to ‘Two Hearts’ and the forced distancing means we actually get a good look at all of them. Other than Jacqui, who is very stilted and towers over Anton, no-one acquits themselves too badly. Ranvir is not very good but has a lot of personality; Maisie and HRVY ring like the ringiest ringers that ever rang; Max can dance but looks like he’s hating it; Caroline is a little stilted in places but that’s most likely nerves, and she gives good face; Jamie doesn’t die; Jason is probably shown the least but seems… OK, I think?; Clara has a lot of gusto; JJ without his glasses looks like the newest Ben in EastEnders; Bill and Nicola look surprisingly promising. [Seeing Nicola and Katya dancing together filled my heart with joy. I hope Katya doesn't mess this up. - Steve]

So that’s our 2020 cast! And that was a nice launch show all in all – the VTs actually helped give the celebrities a bit of a story in a way the studio meets don’t always, and everyone just seemed so happy to be there that it makes me very glad to be spending the next few weeks with them. Even better – only 12 couples mean shorter shows for us to recap! Join Steve next week for the first live show!