DRTY RNGH

 Week 1: 12 Couples Perform - 25 October 2020

Okay, here we go. We've got celebs, we've got professionals, we've got enhanced Covid security measures, now it's time to get down to business: it's the first live show of 2020! Also, this is going to be a fun recap to write because every so often one key on my laptop decides to become really sticky and unresponsive, and today it's the turn of the space bar! Because, y'know, I never need that one.

We open with a more muted montage than you might expect for the start of the series, but it's pretty on-brand for 2020 I suppose. Maisie walks to the camera while removing her gold quilted jacket, thereby shedding the mantle of Tiffany Butcher-Baker (it's very deep) and saying that stepping into the world of Strictly is surreal, and she still can't believe she's going to be stepping onto that stage tonight. As she says this, the screen wipes to reveal Strictly Maisie, just so we get a full idea of the transition involved here. Likewise, JJ is in his civvies and waving a Union flag saying that he thinks he's becoming a dancer, as he transitions into Strictly JJ in a paso outfit. Ranvir announces that she's used to performing live (/struggling to get a word in edgewise while Piers Morgan rants about vegan bacon or something) but it's normally standing still and speaking, whereas this will be the opposite. For some reason, she doesn't so much get a transition-fade as she just... removes her coat and goes from outdoors to indoors, but it's probably too early in the series to read anything into that. 

Nicola next, and she gets a transition from boxing training to dance training as she talks about how much she's loving it. Jamie also gets a before/after switcheroo and talks about how he's out of his comfort zone but completely out of his comfort zone. Clara gets a split-screen, no-less, as she talks about how it is all scary but fun, and Max gets a slide-wipe as we see him getting a spray tan and talking about how it's getting very real now. Jacqui talks about how it's hard to imagine anything more different from the House of Commons (presumably because nobody at Strictly voted to starve the nation's children this week), Bill goes from The Comedy Store to the dancefloor as he talks about how he's always up for a new challenge, HRVY gs frm tkng slf n th trnng rm t tkng slf n th Strctly std (sch trnsfrmtn) (don't worry, I'm not going to do the no-vowels gag for the entire recap, I don't want it to be completely incoherent) (well, no more than usual), Caroline says it's opened her eyes to a whole new world (and seems to have been wearing more make-up in the before shot than in the after shot, but I suppose that's showbiz for you), Jason goes from catching an American football to brandishing the glitterball and says that he's ready for the glitter and the sparkle. It's exactly what he wanted, so let's go.

All-new titles! The celebs appear in the following order: Clara and Aljaž high-fiving each other, Karen twirling into Jamie's arms as he catches her and sort of shrugs, Ranvir appearing from behind Giovanni and twirling into his arms (sensing a theme here), HRVY pretending to catch Janette on a fishing line and reel her in, Maisie twirling into Gorka's arms and giving him a "this one, eh, what is he like?" sort of head-tilt, Jacqui and Anton doing a little spin and looking like neither one of them particularly wants to be there, Dianne twirling into Max's arms, Oti standing on her own before Bill jumps in to block her from the camera, Nicola and Katya doing fist-pumps, Jason dipping Luba, Amy twirling into JJ's arms, Caroline kicking a leg up and miming a faint at the sheer presence of Johannes (icons, the pair of them, hope they win), and a little "also featuring!" segment of Nadiya, Graziano, Neil and Nancy as the logo leaps into view. In honour of the much-missed Monkseal, allow me to inform you that this year, the hos are HRVY and Caroline. (And as sad as I am that Monkseal has hung up his blogging shoes, I am quite glad to have my husband back this autumn rather than barely seeing him from Sundays to Tuesdays.)

We open with a pro-dance to 'When I Get You Alone' by Robin Thicke (and as the sample of 'A Fifth Of Beethoven' has prompted me, if you haven't watched Mrs America yet, you simply must. It's still on iPlayer, go, go! After you've finished reading this, obviously.) Because all of this year's were recorded in one fell swoop earlier this year to allow the pros to domestically bubble together, there will be some particularly jarring haircut transitions tonight, most notably Johannes and Giovanni. I'm very here for blond Gorka, though. It's almost enough to make me forget his hideous back tattoo. Almost. The music then switches into 'Familiar' by Liam Payne and J Balvin, then into a song that I definitely recognise but can't remember the title of but it's that one that goes "una cerveza, por favor" in the lyrics, then into 'Hips Don't Lie' - and fans of same-sex couples might like to know that Gorka and Johannes are dancing together in this section and the chemistry between them is electric, more of that please. There is another snatch of a song I don't recognise and am unable to google the lyrics to, and then a smattering of 'La Vida Es Un Carnival' (the song that Kelvin did his samba to last year), and then we end with a whole lot of booty-shaking. Well, that was a lovely start to the series. I'm so glad this show is back.

Tess and Claudia arrive - for Daly Dresswatch we have a black sequinned jumpsuit that's off one shoulder, and for What Winkleman's Wearing, a black dress with silver sequins and a heart-shaped bustline. They both look fab, well done everyone. [They did - Claudia's dress in particular was beautiful - Rad] They remain socially distanced, of course (still sad they couldn't bubble together for the series, I bet that would have been fun). Tess reminds us that the pro dance was recorded earlier this year when the pros all became one household in order to record a whole series' worth of group numbers, just in case anyone was halfway through calling Ofcom and Public Health England at the same time. Claudia tells us we can go to the website to find out more about how they're making the show this year, and Tess tells us that in the smaller, socially distanced audience tonight, they've invited some of our amazing frontline workers, and I look forward to seeing numerous comments on Twitter about how Covid-19 is clearly a hoax if NHS workers can take time off to go and watch Strictly, honestly nuke this country from space, it's the only way to fix things.

We welcome the judges: Shirley, Motsi and Craig, who all just shimmy in to sit at their separate desks and sit down in synchronisation at the end of their musical intro. Claudia explains that there's no Bruno because he's busy tanning in LA, but he'll be joining us via video link in the results show every week to offer his feedback - and there's also a suggestion that he might be able to rejoin them later in the series, presumably when Dancing With The Stars finishes, although that's all hugely rona-dependent, I imagine. Anyway, given that Bruno can barely identify the contestants when he's actually in the studio most years, the whole video-link thing should be interesting. I look forward to hearing his thoughts on Carla, Mack, Will, Nicole, HRRY and all his other favourites.

Time to meet our Strictly stars: actress Caroline Quentin and her partner Johannes Radebe, singer Max George and his partner Dianne Buswell, Radio 1 DJ Clara Amfo and her partner Aljaž Škorjanec, TV presenter JJ Chalmers and his partner Amy Dowden, from EastEnders Maisie Smith and her partner Gorka Márquez, NFL star Jason Bell and his partner Luba Mushtuk, news broadcaster Ranvir Singh and her partner Giovanni Pernice, TV personality Jamie Laing and his partner Karen Hauer (also poor Jamie, who appears to have a water stain on his white trousers, not a great first impression), former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and her partner Anton Du Beke, pop star HRVY and his partner JNTT MNRR, Olympic boxer Nicola Adams and her partner Katya Jones, and finally comedian Bill Bailey and his partner Oti Mabuse. Some excellent shimmying from Gorka and Maisie during the last few bars of the music, and Luba keeps the high-kick on the final sting alive.

Claudia reminds us that each couple has formed a bubble and will be tested throughout the series, and then we get to the admin: no public vote tonight, but the judges' scores will be carried over to next week's total.

Jamie & Karen

Opening the series, it's Jamie and Karen. In his VT, Jamie tells us that he's the first person ever to be invited back for a second year because he hurt his foot in the launch show last year (and got replaced by Kelvin Fletcher, who went on to win the whole thing, though he leaves that bit out). He's very excited to be partnered with Karen, not least because they share the same hairstylist, apparently. Karen tells us that she's strict but supportive. Jamie asks if she's happy to be partnered with him, and she says yes: she thinks Jamie has a lot of potential, and he's fun, and those are great ingredients for a performer - but she'll still have to see what the feet are doing. "You just unconvinced yourself!" Jamie protests.

In training, they're working on the cha cha cha, which Jamie frets is a hard one, and Karen kind of scoffs at the very idea, rightly so. She insists it's "very you", anyway. She says that the first day's training proves they have a lot of work today. Jamies says he's been waiting a whole year to get into training, and now he's here, he's feeling the pressure. Karen tells him that he's throwing himself into it and having fun - there's nothing to worry about. Jamie counters that there's lots to worry about: the steps, the posture, performing live... - it's intimidating and scary but also a little bit exciting.

They're dancing to 'Think About Things' by Da∂i og Gagnamandi∂, aka the song that everyone thinks would have won Eurovision this year if the whole thing hadn't been rona-ed off. Jamie has a keytar [I am here for these two being all 80s synthpop vibes all the way - Rad], which he mimes playing along to, and he has to start dancing by himself, which he's clearly very nervous about - it's not a gamble that entirely pays off as the nerves seem to get to him, and he's not quite on the beat when he gets going. Once Karen joins him, he seems to settle down a bit and find his confidence, though he's obviously more comfortable in the bits where he gets to do some freestyle booty-shaking than in the actual technical cha cha cha elements. It ends a lot better than it began, and there's some hope there, I think. It's not bad for an opening gambit in this strangest of years, anyway.

Jamie and Karen stand a rona-resistant distance from Tess as Jamie declares the whole thing "terrifying" but the best thing he's ever done, and Tess thanks Dave Arch, the wunnerful singers and socially distanced orchestra for their work (incidentally, 'Think About Things' is not a song that was particularly in the range of the singers but they did their best). Shirley says that Jamie has definitely arrived and gave a "very nice performance", "full of enthusiasm", and he shows potential "to have an outstanding wiggly, rhythmical lower half" - but he needs to work on the quality of how he moves from foot to foot and his lines overall. She liked the disco element though. Motsi tells Jamie that she's never seen anyone want to dance as much as Jamie did right there - she thought he had a lot of fun with the freestyling, and tells him to work on the technique - it might be boring at the beginning but it pays off at the end. Craig declares it "flat-footed" and "stiff of hip", with arms that were "totally wild". Also, he could see Jamie counting the numbers the whole way through - but he loved the energy, and he thought Jamie's commitment was amazing. 

There's a slight change in the journey to the Clauditorium this year: we do still see the couple run up the stairs but then we cut to a very quick Dancing On Ice-style highlights montage (presumably to screen over the awkward social distancing part of them arriving in the Clauditorium and carefully bypassing Claudia and the crew at a safe distance). The Clauditorium is a lonely space this year as the rest of the dancers can't be there, and Jamie tells Claudia that he had to go to the bathroom before the show and he thought he was going to throw up, and then he gagged a bit but he was fine. Claudia thanks him for "those details". Karen says that Jamie is so positive, and they're just grateful to be here doing Strictly right now. Amen, my love. Scores: Craig 4, Shirley 5, Motsi 5 for a total of 14. It's going to be quite hard to recalibrate my idea of what a good score is this year when it's out of 30 rather than 40. Jamie points out that they are "in the lead". Claudia congratulates him on finally being on the Strictly leaderboard after a long wait. (Remember how there used to be the whole thing that being the one to open the series meant you'd go on to be in the final? Well, the last person who that was true for was...Kellie Bright, five years ago.)

Caroline & Johannes

Caroline and Johannes get the first death slot of the series (although whether it's really a death slot on a show where there's no public vote is up for debate, in many ways it's probably good to go second on the opening show because it means you probably won't have to go second on the shows where there is a public vote for a good long while). Tess tells us that Caroline longed to be a dancer as a child, and tonight her childhood dream is about to come true. Caroline says in her VT that doing Strictly is very different from anything she's ever done, and the great thing is that she doesn't have any lines to learn - just dance steps. She tells that she loves Johannes - he's so funny and patient and kind, and she can't wait to start dancing with him. They start training for their American smooth, and it seems to be going well, but Caroline says that she's feeling a bit overwhelmed and asks for a two-minute break. She has a little cry on the floor because she's so happy, and honestly, as someone who has spent the last seven months crying at even the slightest wobble in my emotional spectrum, good or bad, I relate to this. Johannes tells Caroline that they're going to get through this, and Caroline sobs that she loves dancing. Their routine is based around a railway station, so they sit on a train to film part of their VT. Johannes tells Caroline that he is beaming with pride because what she's done is absolutely amazing - Caroline says that she's very happy, but she's not going to cry this time.

An augmented reality train (we're going to get a lot of that sort of thing this year apparently) passes across the screen to open the routine as the band strikes up 'Morning Train (9 to 5)' by Sheena Easton - a tune, if I may say so. I'm not a big fan of the fifties-style floral yellow dress they've put Caroline in as I think the colouring is all wrong for her, but the good news is that the dancing is much better than the outfit. There's some gapping, as is only to be expected at this early stage, but she's got good rhythm, natural grace and some lovely lines - and it's clear that she trusts Johannes completely, which is a very good sign. Another augmented reality train arrives to end the routine as they wave at the camera. 

Caroline gets tearful again and says that it's very enjoyable and frightening all at the same time. Tess asks Motsi if she saw a dancer tonight, and Motsi says she didn't see a dancer - she saw a dancing queen. She saw great attention to detail in Caroline's frame, her feet closing together, her fingers, and bringing the dance to life. She thought it was really beautiful - and that sets Caroline off crying. Craig tells her to watch that she doesn't turn her feet out too much when she's in hold ("I know!" sobs Caroline) but the musicality was a sensation, and the finish on the arms and hands was lovely, causing more happy tears from Caroline. Shirley tells Caroline that she's going to bring joy to millions, and she's waited a lifetime to see a performance like this where someone feels what the other dancer is doing - Caroline is graceful, elegant, charming and has exquisite timing in the upper half of the body. The lower half still needs some work, but Caroline did herself proud. Tess tells Caroline that she wishes she could give her a hug. Aww. [Honestly, Caroline's emotional breakdown. She's practically touching the divine and it's WEEK ONE. I can't wait to see how that ramps up - Rad]

They head up to the Clauditorium as Caroline wipes her eyes, and Caroline tells Claudia that she thinks that was one of the best times she's done that routine, so a lot of the tears are tears of relief. She says that the professionals make it look so easy, and you don't know how hard it is - every single bit of you has to be working all the time. Caroline's husband and daughter are in the audience and were screaming encouragement throughout the series. Scores: Craig 7, Shirley 7, Motsi 7 for a total of 21. Caroline and Johannes are thrilled with that score. "It's my age as well, which is brilliant," chuckles Caroline. Johannes gives us a tease of the exquisite dances that still await us tonight, and honestly give this man a presenting job immediately.

Max & Dianne

Max and Dianne are our third couple of the night, dancing a tango. In his VT, Max says that he's best known for being one-fifth of The Wanted, but not the one-fifth that already won this show back in 2015. He says that music has been a massive part of his life since he was 17 and moved to London and tried to become a singer (emphasis on "tried"?), and now he's going to be a dancer. Dianne describes him as very chill, but slightly nervous at times. Max vows to bring his A-game, and Dianne attempts to coin "Diannemax" as a team name, I think? Max says that he's struggling with the frame and pointing his head in the right direction, but he's really enjoying it - doing the tango makes him smile, which he isn't actually supposed to do. Dianne explains that the theme is that Max is a model and she's the photographer, so they do a mock photo shoot to get in the mood. She shows Max some Polaroids of his various attempts at tango posture and where he needs to improve and that...actually seems like quite a good idea? Well done Dianne.

They're dancing to 'Best Fake Smile' by James Bay. It's a pretty good attempt, I think - there's a bit too much softness in Max's frame and in his movement generally, and I think he's still a bit too much in his head to really interact with Dianne as a partner, but he's got the moves down and he has a good sense of rhythm. It's another promising start, I reckon. [His face bothered me too much, he looked like a puffer fish - Rad]

Craig says that he would have like to have seen more of a V-shape in the frame in the ballroom part of the tango, but the A-frame that he did for the Argentine tango section was cool. The changes of direction need to be clearer because he hasn't got the hang of leadership, but he's very watchable and left Craig wanting more. Shirley tells him it was a fierce tango - the first wall and across the short wall was great. Max has a lot of potential, but she would have liked a traditional tango where they didn't break hold - his hold was actually really very good. Motsi think he has potential - but she felt Max was thinking during the dance, and that keeps your energy inside, so he needs to project further away and also lift himself up and allow it all to come out in his face.

In the Clauditorium, Max says he's still not sure he knows what a tango is, but it's done now. He says he was a little bit nervous, and Dianne's like "a little bit, are you fucking kidding me". She says she's very impressed with him for how well he did. Max says it was hard to keep his facial expression constant because he kept wanting to react when he got a step right, bless him. Scores: Craig 6, Shirley 5, Motsi 6 for a total of 17. Max and Dianne are happy with that.

Clara & Aljaž

Clara and Aljaž are up next, and Tess reminds us that Clara lives in her trainers, but presumably not in the same way as the old woman who lived in a shoe. In her VT, Clara says she doesn't think people realise how geeked out she is to be here. I dunno, hon, you have mentioned it quite a few times, I think we get it now. She's delighted to be partnered with Aljaž, as any sensible person would be. Aljaž says it's important to push your celebrity, because otherwise they'll never know how much they could have learned. Clara hopes that we'll see a lot of fun from her on the dancefloor.

She's going to be dancing a cha cha cha to 'Don't Start Now' by Dua Lipa, and Clara is grinning the whole way through her training experience. Aljaž says he's very proud of her for all the progress she's made, and then they go up on a rooftop in Piccadilly Circus to get in the mood for their dance, which is set in the lights of the big city. Clara is so excited to get on the dancefloor, and frankly I'm excited to see it, so let's get on with it!

Like Jamie, Clara has to start the routine on her own, but unlike Jamie, she begins it with a projection of confidence and absolutely owns the room. I'm pleased to report that she makes a very strong opening gambit here - good rhythm, lovely leg work, strong lines, and some genuinely lovely chemistry with Aljaž - her free arm could be better, but for a first dance, this is impressive, aside from a slightly messy bit of freestyling in the middle. Clara was one of my favourite contestants on paper, so I'm thrilled she's delivering in practice too - I just hope she gets the votes because, well, let's not pretend that this competition has a history of being especially kind to black women on that front. 

Shirley tells Clara that there isn't a part of her body that can't move, and she has great chemistry with Aljaž - she enjoyed the balance of disco and authentic cha cha, and the call-and-response section they had with each other at the end. Motsi saw determination in Clara - she needs to be more aware of what's happening in her body and her limbs, but it's a good, high-energy start. Tess reminds Clara that she said she was looking forward to being judged by Craig, who declares it "stompy" and says he thought she could do with straighter legs, but he loved the disco element and says that the beauty is she has time to improve.

Clara tells Claudia this is the most surreal moment of her life, like she has stepped inside the TV. Clara says that Dua Lipa is such an amazing artist, and it was great to dance to her music and to be taught by an "absolute don" like Aljaž. Claudia's like "yes yes we all love Aljaž but please don't change the subject because we got Dua Lipa to record a good luck message for you". Oh, but no message from Sheena Easton for Caroline? Rude. [Dua Lipa and Sheena Easton to face off in a future series please - Rad] Scores: Craig 5, Shirley 6, Motsi 7 for a total of 18. Undermarked? I think a little bit, yes.

Jacqui & Anton

After a preview of what's to come, it's over to our next couple, Jacqui and Anton. Jacqui says that she's best known for being the UK's first female Home Secretary (and not, just to pluck an example out of thin air, for fiddling her expenses and 'accidentally' claiming reimbursement for a couple of pornos). She says she was so pleased to get Anton, and they've been laughing a lot. Anton says that he wants Jacqui's experience on Strictly to be loving every second of it. Yes, all (approximately) 691,200 seconds of it. Jacqui says that Anton will be her "partner in adventure". Or perhaps misadventure. They're doing a foxtrot to 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life' and Jacqui says again that Anton is teaching her through laughter. I always feel like whenever someone is that keen to tell you how much fun they're having, they're probably not having as much fun as they're making out? Inexplicably, Anton has decided to give her a hat and a cane to work with, despite his previous form on that front. Let's see how that goes, shall we?

There's some business at the beginning about the Glitterball Party losing an election and lots of huffy, hammy acting from Jacqui. [Hilarious how they dressed her in both red and blue in case someone called Ofcom for OMG BBC BIAS - Rad] They decide to console themselves with a foxtrot, and it's...not great. Jacqui looks very tense, and they're not moving as a unit at all - she seems to alternate between trying to lead him, or getting dragged along when he tries to lead her. Even when they get into the hat business, she struggles to tip her hat in time with the music, and the fact that there's so little genuine foxtrot in this routine doesn't really fill me with confidence either.

When it ends, Anton goes into full Anton mode, asking if there's time for one more, telling Dave to go from the top, you've got to laugh haven't you, ha ha marvellous. Motsi tells Jacqui that she gets her vote - it's a long stretch from being a politician to being a dancer, and she looked comfortable on the floor (she did not), and now she needs to feel comfortable with expressing herself and opening up. Craig says it lacked musicality and was a bit lumpy, and she needs to double her energy - he thought it all got "very House of Common" (the shade) when she went over to get her hat and cane, because she walked over rather than dancing over. She needed to close her feet, but looking on the bright side - she's a better dancer than Theresa May. Shirley says that Jacqui's made a huge improvement since the launch show (lol) and that she's the celebrity with the least amount of showbiz experience. I dunno, you could tell me HRVY literally didn't exist until he was announced on 4 September this year and I'd have no reason not to believe you. Nonetheless, Shirley was "absolutely surprised" by how well Jacqui did.

Anton gives her the least sincere "good job!" I've ever heard in my life on the way to the Clauditorium, and Claudia prompts Jacqui to share her mantra, which is: "try hard, and look as if you're enjoying it." Jacqui insists she was enjoying it. She says she's got a long way to go, so she's trying to do her homework and train as hard as she can. Scores: Craig 3, Shirley 5, Motsi 5 for a total of 13. Anton says he's had worse scores than that with four judges, which is actually true.

JJ & Amy

JJ and Amy are next, taking us up to the halfway point (stay with us! We can do this!). In his VT, JJ says that he's best known for presenting sport and live events on TV and radio, and he was secretly hoping to get Amy because he thought she seemed like the loveliest person in the world. Aww. Amy says that sometimes her competitive side comes out (lol, "sometimes"), but it's always in an encouraging way. JJ's got the waltz first, which is the one dance he knows a bit about: he was meant to be coming home from Afghanistan for his brother's wedding and "Cass", his squad's medic in the Marines, had been a semi-professional dancer, so he asked "Cass" for a few lessons to impress his girlfriend (who he's since married). But after a week of practising, they were both injured in a bomb blast, which took Cass's leg off. As it happens, Cass turns out to be The People's Strictly champion Cassidy Little, so Amy arranges a video call for encouragement, and Cass tells him his dancing looks brilliant - he tells JJ that all he does is help people, and he deserves this. JJ says he wants to make his wife and Cassidy proud, but he also wants to make his brother proud, who will be in the audience and will get to see the dance that Cassidy would have done at his wedding - I mean, probably not this exact dance, but you get the gist.

They're dancing to 'What A Wonderful World', and it's all been very smartly designed by Amy to appeal to middle England as much as humanly possible. The routine is a little bit stilted and, like a lot of people tonight, JJ is definitely a little too much in his own head which is hampering his performance, but he does a decent job with this dance - though I suspect this might be about as good as he's going to get.

Craig says that JJ did the routine justice - he needed a bit more drive and a bit less gapping, and he needed to keep dancing when he was standing still, but it was simple and effective. Shirley loved what it all represented, and tells JJ that his frame and his shoulders in particular are magnificent and will be a big help to him in ballroom. She agrees with Craig that he needs to drive more on the standing foot, as that will help all of his ballroom dances, but this was simple and lovely. Motsi loved it and says she's getting a little emotional - not least because it's her dad's favourite song. She feels like they captured the important part of ballroom dancing - when everything else disappears and it's just about that couple in that moment. She thought it was "magical". 

Up in the Clauditorium, JJ gets his glasses back and says he could never have imagined learning that routine, let alone getting to perform it on Strictly - it's a real privilege to experience. JJ's wife and daughter have recorded a little video message for him, and his daughter saying "HIYA DADDY I LIKE YOUR DANCING SO MUCH" is absolutely adorable. Also apparently this was Amy's first waltz on Strictly, and this was her granddad's favourite song too. Scores: Craig 6, Shirley 6, Motsi 7 for a total of 19. Claudia asks JJ if he's happy with that score, and JJ says he's just happy to be here, so of course he's happy with that.

Midway leaderboard time!

1. Caroline & Johannes - 21
2. JJ & Amy - 19
3. Clara & Aljaž - 18
4. Max & Dianne - 17
5. Jamie & Karen - 14
6. Jacqui & Anton - 13

It's interesting, the reduction to three judges rather than four means there's going to be much less of a gap between the top and the bottom of the leaderboard most weeks this year, I think.

Maisie & Gorka

Onward now with Maisie and Gorka and a samba. In her VT, she tells us that she's best known as Tiffany in EastEnders, although we don't get shown any clips for some reason. She says that she loves to dance to anything: reggae, hip hop, pop, lift music. He's quite nervous to face the judges, but Gorka is the perfect partner. Gorka says he doesn't want to scare her, but they're going to have to work hard - they're starting at 7am and she can't be late. Aw, I'm so glad Gorka's back. Not only did I miss his obvious assets (ahem) last year, but I also just really missed the sound of his voice? They start and Maisie says she's tired already and Gorka despairs. Maisie finds the samba very hard, but she's having the best time, and she loves Gorka's training style, which is basically just a lot of clicking noises. She goes to try on her costume in the studio (on a mannequin which has been labelled "MAISE", oh dear) and she's very excited about it. She tells Gorka it's her dream dress, and it's perfection. Also she calls him "Gorks", which I love.

They're dancing to 'Samba (Conga)' by Gloria Estefan (essentially 'Conga' but with the word "conga" changed to "samba" throughout) [Come on everybody baby do the samba, I know you can't control yourself any, er, lamba?! - Rad]. Maisie is in a feathered pink dress and Gorka is in a pink shirt open to the waist and absurdly tight black trousers, oh Gorka's buttocks, how I have missed you. It's absolutely no surprise to any of us that Maisie is very, very good - this sort of dance was always going to play to her strengths and she's throwing herself into it with everything she has. Her face is a little intense in places, but she's strong and confident and she's always where she needs to be at the right moment. Again, this is a partnership where you can just see that the trust is already there, and that's such a strength at this early stage. 

Everyone's on their feet (except Craig, not this early, not for anyone), and Shirley tells Maisie that she's brought some Brazil to the ballroom tonight - there are eight different timings in samba, and she brought them all. Motsi declares this "girl power" and says it was a start with a bang, and what she really loved was how all the shaking was so authentic. Craig says he was not up shaking it, and her batucadas need a lot of work, but the rest? Ah-may-zing. 

Claudia says that we need to say a massive thank you to the wardrobe department for everyone's outfits tonight, and Gorka does a whole "oops, are my nipples on display, how terrible" thing. Claudia tells that Maisie has a notebook in training, and Gorka says he was really impressed that she wanted to take notes. Maisie's parents in the audience show us where she learned how to shake that moneymaker, and then it's time for the scores: eights all round for a total of 24, putting her at the top of the leaderboard.

Jason & Luba

Jason and Luba next, with an American smooth to 'My Girl', which will be dedicated to his daughter Anaíya (whose mum is Nadine from Girls Aloud, just in case you didn't know). His earliest memory of dancing was in the living room with his parents and his sister - to anything that was hot in the late 80s and 90s. Jason thinks he's very lucky to have Luba for a partner, and she says that she is the lucky one. Jason says he likes two things about the dance already - "American" and "smooth". There are some lifts in it and he's nervous about them, because Luba is "precious cargo" when she is in the air. Luba says she won't be easy on him - she can see potential so she will push him as hard as she can. They've got some AR in their routine too, because it's set at a drive-in, so he has to be careful not to stand inside the fake cars. 

It begins with quite a lot of dad dancing, and indeed it continues that way whenever they aren't in hold. When they are in hold, he's leaning forward a bit too much, but he does at least look like he's enjoying himself throughout and the lifts come off fairly well. There are moments where he shows potential - to be honest, I think his problem at this point is just an excess of adrenaline that he needs to control a little better.

Tess tells him that she's sure Anaíya is very proud of her daddy, and Motsi says she is going to call him "Jason Joy", because she could feel the joy through his face - she thought the hip hop style elements were very musical, but it was a bit of an awkward transition into the slow fox elements. Craig says he wasn't fond of the fusion side of it - he encourages everyone to take risks, but he thinks this one didn't pay off. Shirley thought his footwork was fantastic in one of the backwards sections, so he's got joy and potential - the sky is the limit.

In the Clauditorium, Jason explains that he yells at the top of his lungs to get himself into game mode. I bet that's delightful for everyone in the vicinity. Luba says that he doesn't get many breaks with her, and Claudia confirms that that is their team name: Team No Breaks. It's not the catchiest, I'll be honest. Scores: Craig 4, Shirley 6, Motsi 6 for a total of 16. What's quite fun about this year is that there's no mass audience booing when Craig lowballs someone, so literally all we got was a small sigh from Luba. Claudia reminds us that the scores look tiny because there's just one judge this year. Heh.

Ranvir & Giovanni

A quick reminder of the four contestants we're still waiting on (Ranvir, Nicola, Bill and HRVY, just in case you'd lost track), in which we learn that HRVY likes to refer to himself as "your boy" (or possibly "yr by"), and then it's time for Ranvir and Giovanni. In her VT, Ranvir reminds us that she's the Political Editor of Good Morning Britain, as well as a panellist on Loose Women and a presenter on ITV News. What, no mention of Eat, Shop, Save? She's used to being rooted to the spot in Downing Street with a big coat on, so this is a big change. She's excited to have Giovanni as a partner having seen what he's brought out of his other partners. Giovanni tells her the important rules: "relax, listen to me, listen to me, and listen to me". 

On their first day, Giovanni brings her flowers and then immediately tells her to go and get changed ready for paso practice. Giovanni tells us that Ranvir will have to start on her own, and that he believes in her more than she believes in herself. Ranvir says that the early mornings are taking their toll, and we get a glimpse of what a day in the life is like for her: her alarm goes off at 2:45am (!!!) and she has to drag herself into Television Centre ready to go on air at 6am. She says it's a challenge mentally, physically and emotionally - but they're still laughing. (Also can I apologise in advance if I ever slip up and call her "Ranbir", it's just that Ranbir is my neighbour's name and I keep forgetting who has the b and who has the v, and it's not made any easier by the fact that the two letters are right next to each other on the keyboard.)

They're dancing to 'End Of Time' by Beyoncé, and Ranvir makes a decent fist of opening the routine by herself, looking suitably haughty and swishing her frock like a good'un. Once they get into hold, she's a little bit too soft for my preference, but I like that she's definitely got a good paso face, and as far as I can tell her footwork seems to be nice and precise. There are a few parts where her energy dips a little bit, but in general I think it's a solid start for her - a good performance, some decent technique, with plenty of room to grow. 

Craig tells her she used the dress like a diva drag queen and he loved it - the Spanish port de bras was great and he thought it was a fantastic first dance. Shirley says that Ranvir lived every moment of being that Spanish lady, and it shows that you can still be a superstar just doing basic steps. Motsi thinks that Ranvir is the most improved since the launch show [agreed - Rad], and she's built a great foundation leaving herself space to grow.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia congratulates Ranvir on being left alone by Giovanni "for 10 minutes", and Ranvir says that she feels quite emotional because this is a dream come true. Ranvir adds that she's been practising with her son, who is very excited that his mum is on Strictly. Scores: Craig 7, Shirley 7, Motsi 7 for a total of 21. Watching this on the night I thought it had been a bit overmarked, but seeing it for a second time, I think that's actually fair - I don't necessarily think she was as good as Caroline, who got the same score, but in and of itself I think that's a fair score for what Ranvir produced [I think it's also partly the three judge thing - we're going to see more similar scores in general than with four judges - Rad].

Nicola & Katya

Next, we have Nicola and Katya with a quickstep. Nicola says that in boxing she enjoys that you get out what you put in, and she's sure that dancing will work the same way - but with less blood, sweat and tears. She was pleased to get Katya as a partner because she knows Katya is very creative (yes, that's one word for it) and very competitive. Nicola says she's going to give it 110% and Katya's like "actually no, that's not enough", and...my ability to handle Katya's general Katya-ness is going to be tested this year, isn't it?

Nicola says that she was quick on her feet in boxing, and she hopes that that will give her an advantage. Katya says she needs to work on her posture - Nicola realises that in boxing she was always trying to make herself as small as possible, whereas to be a ballroom dancer you need to do exactly the opposite. Katya says that they have an extra challenge because they'll both have to learn the (traditionally) male and female elements of the dance, but Nicola is extremely up for that and plans to give it her all. 

They're dancing to 'Get Happy' and Nicola is one of the pleasant surprises on the night - boxers don't have the best track record on this show, but she's actually rather good. She's light on her feet, she's got good rhythm, and she's already performing it. My issue with this routine is not so much with Nicola as it is with the Katyaography - as I've already hinted, I'm not a big fan of the more cartoony elements of Katya's work, and there's a fair bit of that on display here. I don't mind if this is something they lean into occasionally, but it's not something I want to see every week - I'd like to see them do something refined too. Still, it's impossible to ignore what a landmark moment this is, to see two women dancing together on the nation's flagship channel in primetime, and it's great for them both to knock it out of the park in the way that they do and prove the naysayers wrong. Can't wait to see their rumba, frankly.

Shirley congratulates them both on being able to switch between both roles because it's hard enough just to master one. Nicola was light on her feet, whipping around the floor, and this is a partnership Shirley is looking forward to seeing more of. Motsi says she was curious to see how this would work, and they haven't disappointed her. She can see Nicola has a strong core, now she just needs to work on making her upper body more stable - but she rocked it. Craig thinks they proved that they're a dynamite partnership - Nicola underpowered the knee spin and that's why she didn't quite get around on that part, but that's a very small criticism.

After we cut to the Clauditorium, Nicola says that Katya has eyes in the back of her head - even when she doesn't think Big Katya is watching, Big Katya is watching. Claudia points out that they're opposites - Nicola is very chilled, and Katya is a drill sergeant. Katya giggles that Nicola is "too chill for [her] liking". Katya reminds us that they've got an extra element to work with, but they're having so much fun. Scores: Craig 7, Shirley 7, Motsi 7 for a total of 21.

Bill & Oti

Two couples left! In the penultimate slot, we have Bill and Oti. They've already got a fun, dry, consciously awkward chemistry going - she says they've been trying to work out a team name and Bill's all "a team what". She suggests Team Bill Bailey, and he points out that that is...his name. [I mean, Boti McBoatface is just sitting there - Rad] Oti appears to be helpless with laughter already, so this is going well. (Note to Jacqui and Anton: show, don't tell.) They're doing a cha cha cha set on a beach where Bill is a superstar instrumentalist, and Oti had an idea for Bill to play an instrument at the top of the number - Bill brings out his Tibetan prayer bells, and Oti says that's not quite what she had in mind. The Chinese gourd flute also fails to make the cut, but the keyboard meets with Oti's approval. In training, Oti tells Bill not to "Elvis it", and he protests that he has "Elvis knees". Bill says that Oti's choreography is brilliant, he loves the level of precision that she brings - even if she's forcing him to stand up straight. He is having the time of his life. Hooray!

They're dancing to 'Mata Mata', and the routine is full of energy, though Bill's hips are fairly sticky. He's definitely not a natural latin dancer, but Oti has choreographed a really fun, packed routine that gets the best out of him nonetheless. It's interesting that both Oti and Katya have a tendency to get a bit extra in their choreography, but it bothers me less when Oti does it - I think because Oti tends not to use it to break the fourth wall whereas Katya tends to play out to the camera a lot, ultimately it's just a personal taste thing. I will say this much for Oti - she has a real skill for bringing out the best in her celebrities, even in genres that aren't a natural fit for them, and this cha cha is a prime example of that. On a technical level it's a bit of a mess, but it's just so darn enjoyable to watch.

Motsi tells Bill that this song is legendary in South Africa, and he did a great job - he really committed from beginning to end, but he needs to work on his technique, straighten the leg and get the upper body going. Tess tells Craig that Bill read his book for research and asks if it helped - Craig says that Bill created a whole new genre with that, and it was like he was "dancing on hot coals after 10 double espressos". "How did you know?" deadpans Bill. Craig giggles that Bill threw himself into it shamelessly, and Bill bows. Shirley says there was magic happening out there - he needs to work on his posture, which will help his leg action, but he brought such a big smile to her face.

Bill sprints up to the Clauditorium leaving Oti trailing in his wake, and Bill tells Claudia that he wanted to go full-on. He's said he didn't manage to fit in a trumpet solo, but maybe next week. Oti says that 'Mata Mata' is her mum's favourite song - it was nice for her to have a little bit of home because she hasn't been able to go back in such a long time. Scores: Craig 3, Shirley 6, Motsi 6 for a total of 15.

HRVY & Janette

So our final couple - and first pimp slot of the series - are HRVY and JNTT. HRVY - or "RV", as he says it, I see even the sometimes vowels aren't welcome here - and in his VT he vows to give it his all, but warns Janette that his attention might wander at times. She tells him no, absolutely not, and he vows to give it his undivided attention. They've got the jive, and he's all "I don't know what that is!" and like, can we cast people who've at least seen this show before please? In training HRVY complains that he's tired and he's really unfit, and Janette says they just need to work on stamina, stamina, stamina. 

To the dancefloor! They're dancing to 'Faith' by Stevie Wonder and Ariana Grande, and it quickly becomes clear that HRVY's claimed total ignorance of what a jive is might have been somewhat overstated, because HRVY is a DRTY RNGH. Still, it's quite a good strategy from Janette to get the jive out of the way in week one, since that's where her last ringer came unstuck. There's a lot of energy in the routine, it's very clean and precise and packed with both content and tricks. Also, I'm pleased to report that I had my first experience of interacting with the HRVY fandom on Twitter last night and...they seem to be nice and polite and reasonable? That's always a point in someone's favour.

At the end of it, HRVY is KNCKRD, but Craig tells him that the jive was SPCTCLR. Shirley says that he is the one to watch - the talent has been amazing this evening, and HRVY was no exception. She thinks this is going to be a fierce competition. Motsi says this was the best first dance she has ever seen (well, that's going to be an awkward Christmas in the Mabuse family now, isn't it) - she makes a point of keeping an eye on what's happening with this franchise in the other countries (all of them? When does she sleep?) and she's wondering where they even go from here. She thinks it was a fantastic ending to a great show.

HRVY manages to muster enough energy to sprint up the stairs to the CLDTRM where he can barely talk, and he says he's not sure if he deserves what Motsi just said to him but he's very grateful for it. He adds that his hands were wet all the way through, and he really wanted to go for a wee but he's glad he didn't. I'm glad we've topped and tailed the show with detailed examinations of the contestants' bodily functions. Janette tells him he was incredible. Scores: Craig 8, Shirley 8, Motsi 9 for a total of 25. Claudia says she wishes she could hug them - she really misses that. The other celebs are all cheering too.

Final leaderboard:

1. HRVY & Janette - 25
2. Maisie & Gorka - 24
3=. Caroline & Johannes - 21
3=. Ranvir & Giovanni - 21
3=. Nicola & Katya - 21
6. JJ & Amy - 19
7. Clara & Aljaž - 18
8. Max & Dianne - 17
9. Jason & Luba - 16
10. Bill & Oti - 15
11. Jamie & Karen - 14
12. Jacqui & Anton - 13

I wonder if having three judges will mean a lot more ties this year? It did rather gum things up that week in series 15 when Bruno wasn't there, but I suppose Dancing With The Stars makes it work on a regular basis, so I'm sure we'll manage somehow.

Speaking of Bruno, we get a quick insert from him, with definite "I heartily endorse this event or product" vibes. He singles out Caroline, JJ and Maisie for praise, suggesting he recorded this before he'd seen the end of the show. After that, there's a trailer for the (socially distanced) return of It Takes Two with Zoe and Rylan, and the official Strictly podcast with Joe Sugg, and Jacqui and Anton (of all people!) encouraging us to embrace the Twitters, the Instantgrams, the Facebooks and the Tick Tocks.

That's it for week one - next week, we do it all over again with a public vote on top and a performance from Sam Smith (and yesssss to Tess introducing Sam with they/them pronouns, what an ally). Until then: keeeeeep dancing at a government-mandated distance!