I Don't Want Two Dance

Week 8: Top 5 Perform (Semi-Final) - 12 December 2020

Last week! Musicals week actually broadened its reference points for a change – favourably in the case of Ranvir’s Waitress-themed Viennese Waltz, and less so with JJ’s Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Charleston, which saw him and Amy sent home in the dance-off by a disappointingly-not-in-drag-Jamie and Karen. 

This week! Everyone’s favourite episode of the series – Two-dance week! All of our favourite features are likely to be here: Judges’ holodeck; underwhelming routines from fatigued celebs trying to learn two drastically different new dances; fans bickering about who the producers’ favos are, along with something brand-new: Bill Bailey tangoing to ‘Enter Sandman’. I’m both excited and terrified about that last one especially.

Cue credits! Who’s the contestant you always forget did this year’s show? For me it’s usually Max, and sometimes Jason.

Our hosts arrive. Daly Dresswatch: A hot pink thing with ugly shoulder pads and an asymmetrical train so long I’m frightened she’s going to have a wardrobe malfunction at any given moment. What Winkleman’s Wearing: a natty black tube top and cropped trousers with some red heels. One of these outfits is better than the other. They welcome back the studio audience (for one week only, possibly. Also, having lived in Tier 3 for ages in the emplaguened North, it’s so weird to me that there are still people in this country living Tier 2 lives. I would kill for a café or cinema trip right now, never mind watching an evening of live entertainment, and honestly, I might call Ofcom cos BBC BIAS towards the government’s favo parts of the country while the rest of us have to sit on a different bit of the sofa every few hours just to get a change of scenery).

Anyway, the judges enter and Craig and Motsi are still wearing black, though at least hers has some floofy netting involved. Shirley, bless her, is wearing a blue sequinned dress, so #TeamShirley. The couples then enter, and we’ll get on to their lewks as we cover each in turn, but blimey, some of these people have NOT been treated kindly by wardrobe. And by some, I mean that Bill is the only celebrity who looks even vaguely well-dressed. If the theme tune jigging situation is any portent of what’s to come, Ranvir and Jamie look to be flagging.

Jamie and Karen

This week’s VTs, being ‘I wanna get to the final’ themed, include a tablet with messages from friends and family. I think this is to replace the fan messages we usually get, what with COVID and all, but it may be that those are still to come next week? Anyway, Jamie’s supporters include his brother, his girlfriend, his mum, some random poshos who may or may not be on Made In Chelsea, I dunno, I never watch it (despite writing a book on reality TV, I know, I’m a cheat), and his dad. And Jamie’s response to his dad’s message is to absolutely choke and say ‘my dad never says stuff like that’, and honestly, that response felt so raw I felt like we were invading something quite sensitive and personal there. Karen gives him a little supportive kiss and neck rub.

They’re dancing a salsa to ‘Last Dance’ and I wonder how they managed to get this one first in the running order, given, well, the likely outcome of this week’s results show. Karen’s in a sparkly ink catsuit and Jamie in flared red trousers and a massive flower blouse, and somehow, it’s not the worst celebrity look of the night. As for the dancing, it’s standard Strictly disco-party-salsa, with a nice amount of energy and cheese and a lesser amount of technique. His hips and footwork are a bit on-and-off, there’s one lift he biffs where Karen has to get herself out of it, and another one where he shoves Karen’s muff right into his face. It’s not especially terrible, but it’s also not brilliant, which is usually how two-dance week routines go, so we shouldn’t be surprised. Overall, it’s one of those dances that signify that a journey contestant has had a good go at things but now they should probably go home, and whilst I’m a fan of these two and am probably the only person left in the country who’d be fine if they got to the final, it’s clear the other four either have better stories (Ranvir), better skills (Maisie, HRVY) or better entertainment value (Bill), so I can’t see this changing things up. I just hope they do their other routine in the dance-off to piss off the song-choice monkeys.

Shirley says it’s evident that they don’t want to go home as he leaves everything on the dance-floor, and she praises a very difficult ‘bum-spin’. Motsi loves the energy and says she can see he’s improved in his footwork and his focus on his dance partner. Craig says some more hip rotation in the salsa basic would have helped and his free arm had a mind of his own, then some other critique I couldn’t make out because of the audience booing, but it takes him back to Studio 54 (Craig was there? I highly doubt it), and it was joyous.

In the Clauditorium, Jamie’s still out of breath. Scores: 8, 8, 8 for a total of 24, and Jamie’s living in his own personal hell of consistent scores.

Our terms and conditions this week come from Rob Brydon who’d like to remind us he is ‘not Anton’. I mean, given the viewing figures Gavin and Stacey got last year, it should probably be Anton who says ‘I’m not Uncle Bryn.’

 

Ranvir and Giovanni

Ranvir’s special VT pals are her family, some of whom appear to be living in a place with no accessories or personal touches whatsoever, which I hope is just a rental place because they’re in the audience, otherwise it’s a bit bleak; as well as her GMB colleagues, with He Who Shall Not Be Named getting the most lines.

Now I don’t know if the ‘death slot’ applies so much in two-dance week, but I’m surprised they’re leading with her waltz, which is likely to be good, rather than her jive, which looked like a car crash from the training footage. They’re dancing to ‘Un Giorno Per Noi’ which is one of those pieces of music you know by sound, if not by name, although I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it sung before rather than as an instrumental. [Such flashbacks to listening to emotionally manipulative human interest stories on local radio as a kid! - Steve] It made me miss Bruno and his random classical music boner. It’s also a bleak as fuck tune, which is a bold choice for a lovely waltz in semi-finals week, especially one that’s not performed with a Halloween-style dark drama theme. Ranvir, by the way, looks pretty terribly styled. Her dress, itself a nice-ish periwinkle, is studded with ugly bronze and has enormous back chains dangling from it, and her hair has been curled to resemble a 1980s’ perm. She’s only 43 and they’re styling her like she’s her mum. Harrumph. Anyway, Giovanni looks dapper in tails, and they hang from his bum in such a way they look like capes flying round the room. The dancing itself is nice enough – her top line is great though she seems to fumble some of the footwork – still, two-dance week, what can you expect?  She is clearly much more at home in ballroom than Latin, but they just did a Viennese Waltz last week and it seems poor choice-making to put the two waltzes back-to-back in the dance draw because it can give the impression of being a one-trick pony (even if it might be a smart choice in terms of not having to learn two completely new dances at once).

Motsi says she enjoys watching her dance, and she looks beautiful with her hair up as it shows off the extension in her neck. She says the music was beautiful but also very difficult to work with, and she saw improvement in that aspect of Ranvir’s dancing. Craig says the footwork was ‘a little ropey’ especially in the pivots, but she maintained body contact throughout and her top line was exquisite, but overall ‘simply, elegant GAWJUSS’. Shirley says they seem to have been watching an entirely different dance, to which Giovanni snips, ‘Yes, thank you’ (Gorka’s lessons in being pissy are starting to rub off) and even though I like Ranvir a lot, I’d LOL if this means Shirley disagrees that it’s GAWJUSS. Of course that’s not how it goes, Shirley says it was controlled and slow, and her frame looks like a pro, though it’d be improved with more drive from her standing foot. Tess wishes them good luck with their jive and they give pained smiles back. Given the training footage and Giovanni’s claim that ‘I don’t think it’ll be as bad as people are expecting’, I’m super scared for her.

In the Clauditorium, they have another message, from Kate Garraway, who is really effusive in her praise (and looks amazing), and Ranvir is touched that she found time to do that, given what she’s going through. Scores: 8, 9, 9 for a total of 26. Claudia says the jive is Giovanni’s favourite dance (tell that to his track record).

Claudia previews Maisie and Gorka dancing ‘to mine and Tess’s favourite song, ‘Getting Jiggy With It’ [sic] and Tess says ‘happy memories’. Damn the lack of intimate contact this virus hath wrought!

Bill and Oti

Bill’s VT features him explaining that he’s called Bill because his teacher used to call him it in relation to the song ‘Won’t You Come Home Bill Bailey’, which they’ll be dancing to tonight. I have to say, that is remarkable restraint on behalf of the producers, because normally name-dropping songs like that are deployed in week one. He way more celebrity supporters than anyone else, including Rich Hall, Dave Johns, one of the Sugarhill Gang and DAME EMMA THOMPSON (Prince Harry Who?) as well as his KEYWORKER NIECE. It’s like when, on the X Factor, the presumptive winner was paired with  Beyoncé or Kylie while the also-rans got late-career Westlife.

They’re dancing a Charleston and are both in classic 1920s gear, although his outfit is better than Oti’s, which appears to be made of shredded ties. This dance does suit his personality from a performance perspective, but it’s actually technically a bit below-par. He doesn’t commit fully to some of the moves, loses his timing (by being a bit slow) a couple of times and looks out of breath for much of it. It’s not quite as bad as I just made it sound, but it’s also not as good as I thought it would be given how well his Quickstep and C**pl*s Ch**c* went.

Craig says he’ll replace the ‘won’t’ with ‘don’t’, to bemused silence and then sings ‘don’t you go home Bill Bailey’, and Tess says ‘I love it when you sing’. Yeah, but it’s no BRUNO SINGS is it. Craig praises the performance and says it has fantastic swivel. Shirley says it was great to see his comedic side but it would have been nice to have more musicality in his body. Motsi says seeing him dance is like soul food – ‘something happens inside’ and says his weight distribution was better than in his jive.

In the Clauditorium, Bill says he liked having fun and it’s great to get a message from his niece despite being busy in hosptital. Scores: 8, 8, 9 for a total of 25. He cues up ‘Enter Sandman’ and says it really does work for a Tango. I mean, I see it more as a paso tune, but maybe?

Maisie and Gorka

The training footage for their couple’s choice is slowed down so much it looks like they’re out of time with each other. LOLOOOPS.  Her sister comes to visit them in training and says she thinks Maisie is really talented, and she gets a video call from her ‘Grandy’ who says he can’t believe it’s his granddaughter ‘doing all those fancy dances’. Yeah, but brace yourself, it’s couple’s choice coming, Grandy. She also gets messages from various EastEnders cast members as well as a bunch of mute friends and family.

The outfits for their couple’s choice comprise huge baggy jeans and huge oversized baseball jackets with their names on, and she has her hair long but with two buns, a la Yaz from Doctor Who in those series 11 promo shots. She doesn’t look great, and the baggy clothing might be to emulate hip-hop in theory, but in practice it looks like hip-hop as interpreted by the Empire Stories catalogue. ‘Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It’ is also the kind of song choice I’d expect for a Jamie Laing or Bill Bailey, but not for a ringer. Anyway. Her timing is great, and she performs this well, but is it just me, or does this have less ‘content’ than Bill, Jamie and HRVY’s couple’s choice routines? It’s the first one (apart from maybe Nicola’s) where I’ve thought ‘eh, I could do that’ for large chunks, and it seems to be mostly a lot of hopping on the spot (apart from an OK breakdancing part), it also has two really ungainly lifts and an ugly ‘under the arms’ bit. I don’t know how much this is going to help her avoid another dance-off, because I don’t see it sitting too well with many viewers. [On a shallow note, Gorka has seldom looked hotter. - Steve]

I know we hate on couple’s choice a lot (though I admit I’ve enjoyed a handful of them over the years… and would equally have enjoyed then as show dances), but even so, this is one of my least favourite dance all series. And I love Maisie – she’s the contestant I’ve voted for the most this year. But this was just… kids in the playground. Of course in a truncated run nobody was ever going to dance all of our private wishlists, but I’m especially aggrieved we got this rather than either her rumba or her Argentine Tango, as I think she’s pretty much the only one of this year’s contestants who could pull those dances off really well. It’ll feel even more galling if we have to go through a retread of this next week in her ‘showdance’.

Tess says we’ve had some ‘great’ couple’s choices this year. If by great you mean ‘even more limited in variety and with fewer dance ‘rules’ to judge them on than usual’ then yeah, sure. And SIMPSONSDANCE happened so that cancels out any good ones. (Also I genuinely think the only pro who seems comfortable with ‘street dance’ is Karen, and it shows. To be fair, I’ve yet so see Anton’s attempt, so he could be a secret throwdown master.)

Shirley calls her the queen of pop and calls it effortless, flawless and spectacular and it will ‘go down in history’ as one of her favourite dances ever. Motsi says it’s great for people who do contempowaft and street dance to see themselves represented on the show. I mean they might if there were any ‘rules’ to the genres and it wasn’t just an easy way to score 8+ points that makes everyone in the audience grumble that it’s ‘not a proper dance’. Craig says ‘that’s the dance I’ve been waiting for all series’ so you know he’s going to 10 this. What the hell has happened to Craig this year that his only 10s are for Couple’s Choice, who even is he? (And no, 10s in the final don’t count). To add insult to injury, the slow-mo clip they choose to show as they go upstairs shows them completely out of sync.

In the Clauditorium, we get a special VT message from Auntie NatCass who says she’s been working with Maisie since she was ‘five years old’ even though in her VT, Maisie said she started on EE when she was ‘six’ so somebody has alternative facts going on. Scores: 10, 10, 10 for a score of 30. Absolute bullshit, I’m sorry, no, rewatch her quickstep, jive or even tango and then try and tell me this was better.

 

HRVY and Janette

It’s finally here, it’s finally here, it’s finally heeeeeeere. After weeks of moaning, Steve and I finally get to see a rumba. And it’s a BlokeRumba, by a bloke who seems a bit too awkward to try and be sexy with a pro that’s basically his mum. But it’s a rumba nonetheless and I am here. For. It. [After all that complaining I am just going to shut up and accept this is the rumba we're getting. - Steve]

Before that, though, we have to get through a VT featuring his family whom I now know better than Graziano who’s been on this show for 3 years.

They are dancing to ‘Only You’ and if the arrangement feels unfamiliar to you, then be glad, because this is the arrangement used on Kylie Christmas when she duetted with James Corden and that’s not a thing I ever need to be reminded of. We open with an AR snowglobe covering them on a round stage, and it looks really effective at first. It does go on a bit longer than needed, and at one point its snow obscures them even more than the gold glitter hid their tango, but still one of the prettier effects this year. Janette looks lovely in silver sparkles, but HRVY looks pretty bad in a baggy silk lilac pyjama top and oversized grey school trousers. As for the dancing itself, it’s not helped by the fact he has an awkward grin on his face most of the time, and his movements aren’t as fluid or elongated as they need to be, but still – best rumba of the series (ho ho).

Motsi says there was pressure because it was the first (and last) rumba of the series, but it had some nice moments – the real issue came in transitions. Craig said it kept stopping dead in its tracks when the movement needed to be continuous and he seemed to be off balance the whole time and his left foot was turned out as it should be, but his right was turned in, though he did like their partnering. Shirley says she’s a little conflicted – there was a marvellous section in the middle but generally she’s going to go with Craig as the body kept freezing, and even when the feet stop, the body should keep going, but he’s still lovely.

The vibe in the Clauditorium is very ‘oh well, we tried’. Scores: 7 (for dead silence, as we all know a 7 at this stage is basically a 4), 8, 8 for a total of 23. HRVY says he’s glad he got more than a 6. We then get a mid-episode leaderboard with the weird sight of HRVY being bottom of the table.

Still, the rumba is still a genre that exists in this show, so hurrah for that. [Yeah, even if it's going the way of the waltz, at least I know the show hasn't eradicated it entirely. - Steve]

We get a preview for what’s coming but let’s just recap the dances themselves, I haven’t got all night, there’s wine to mull.

Jamie and Karen 2

This year’s Judges’ Holodeck features the celebs sitting in empty cinemas to watch the comments and it feels like the show made a big deal (and rightly so) of theatres being closed, but given they have a movie week and they’ve shot all these VTs in empty screens, they could at least have made mention of the poor cinema industry which has had an equally terrible year. As a regular attendee of most of my local cinemas, I have not only missed seeing films there but also all the staff who are unfailingly lovely, and several of whom have lost their jobs and not just been furloughed. [Same. Shout out to the cinema workers, we love you and we miss you. - Steve]

Anyway, Jamie’s journey features being fun and having lots of energy; starting from a bad cha cha, sticking his bum out in the American Smooth (Jamie: ‘was it out?’, Karen: ‘it was out’), a fun Hercules Charleston, a breakthrough ‘free dance’ as Motsi calls it… and then nothing else. It seems odd they didn’t at least include his samba, which felt like a genuine surprise triumph.

They are dancing the quickstep to a country song I’ve never heard before called ‘Thank God I’m A Country Boy’ that’s apparently a John Denver track and. Oh. My. Even by the excessive standards of the AR this year, what’s going on is A LOT. There are badly rendered CGI animals everywhere, carts, hay bales, a bench – some of which are props, some of which aren’t. Jamie’s in jeans, a check shirt and cowboy boots and is lying down chewing hay and Karen’s in a milkmaid dress, cowboy boots, and has been given plaits that actually kind of suit her, but also make her look exactly like someone and I cannot for the life of me think who. And all of this is before the dancing even starts.

The dance itself is basically a sneaky resurrection of Fusion week because it’s as much line-dance as quickstep, but then I guess that’s not any worse than a disco salsa in terms of purity of genre (*side-eyes Abbey and Aljaž especially*). I’ve seen a lot of people say they thought it was a Charleston but I don’t see that really – yes, there are some Charleston-style moves but quickstep is a modified Charleston anyway – this didn’t have the lifts or swivel of a Charleston. I think it was the goofiness and side by side stuff that didn’t feel super quickstep, but to me, those bits felt more like line dance, as did the bits where they danced about on the bench. The in hold stuff is classic mid-table quickstep – i.e. run around so fast that no-one can tell if it’s any good or not.  There’s definitely a lot of faffin abaht, but also Jamie can... actually line dance? It’s all so odd, but kind of endearingly so, I think? The whole thing is just such a mad fever dream (I have no idea who put Karen + Jamie + Country + quickstep together as a concept but I suspect late-series pandemic-inflicted delirium had kicked in). It’s not the first time tonight (and definitely won’t be the last) that I haven’t a clue what I’ve just watched. Ah, two-dance week. [I'm one of those who thought it was a charleston but chalk that up to general two-dance-week fatigue and me not really paying attention. - Steve]

Tess says she’s never seen anyone as enthusiastic as him and that that was his last dance. I mean, I know his dance-off record suggests so, Tess, but I don’t think you’re allowed to write them off before the public have even voted.

Craig says when he saw the whole get up he thought ‘this is never going to be a quickstep’ but he was surprised that they turned it into one, but he hated the ‘chicken thing’ on the table. Shirley says she really liked it, but you have to have an open mind. [Plus we all know Shirley loves CHICKUN. - Steve] Motsi says there’s so much warmth coming from him and it started well but lost it a little in the middle, but he left his heart on the dance floor.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia praises him for having to do two fast dances in the same show, and we get a video call with his dad, who says he didn’t think Jamie would get past week one, but he’s done so well. Jamie cries ‘it’s amazing when you make your parents proud’, and the way Karen is holding his arm just suggests there are layers to that statement. Scores: 8, 8, 8 for a total of 24, again. Claudia asks Karen why he deserves to get to the final, and she says it’s because he keeps trying and picking himself up, and has a little cry.

 

Ranvir and Giovanni 2

Their journey goes from terrible launch show to fiery paso, through some lovely ballroom and shit Latin. And also no couple’s choice. *Applauds Ranvir and Giovanni*. (What do we think she’d have done? I can’t see it being street dance – which may be why she never did it if Chris’s theory that there were limited guest choreographers available is true - but I’m on the fence as to whether it’d be musical theatre or contempowaft). [She's got contempowaft written all over her, I'm sure of it. - Steve]

They are jiving to ‘Candyman’ and the plot is they’re sailing on a boat carrying loads of sweets called ‘HMS Candy’. Giovanni in that sailor’s outfit? Yes please. (Except the ugly battery pack obscuring his bum). I don’t hate Ranvir’s sailor dress either, but the hair and make-up they’ve given her make her look like Dorien Green. She’s such a beautiful woman, I wish they’d stop making her look older than she is (I mean I might be projecting a little as she’s the cast member closest to my own age). The dance is bad, as we all knew it would be, but in a way, I kind of enjoy it more than some of her other party latin where it looked like she was grimacing throughout, because here she looks a bit more like ‘eh, we all know this is terrible, I don’t give a shit anymore’. I know a lot of people were annoyed she had this instead of rumba, and I am, too, from a genre point of view, but I’m not entirely convinced she’d have done the rumba well. I think she has the potential to – her Argentine Tango proved she can smoulder and her ballroom proves she can do romantic – but she gets so into her own head in Latin that I don’t know if she’d have been able to push through her awkwardness. Still, it would probably have been better than this, so…

Shirley said the beginning was good, she has sass, power and attitude, but the jive is unforgiving and if the weight is in the wrong place it looks heavy, which this did. She says it wasn’t her favourite of Ranvir’s Latin dances. Although there’s only really the paso that could be, let’s face it. Motsi says her ‘first’ Latin dance, the cha cha wasn’t good (surely paso was first?) and this was an improvement. Craig said the dance did not suit her at all, it was heavy and laboured and her body looked like it didn’t want to be there, but at least her face was selling it.

In the Clauditorium, Ranvir says there’s nothing else you can do but give it a go, and she didn’t expect to still be here in December, never mind the semi-final. Giovanni says the fact that she performed is more important than kicks’n’flicks. Scores: 5 (at which I audibly went OOOF), 6, 7 for a total of 18. YOWCH. (I mean that’s basically the semi-final equivalent of 2, 3, 4).  After Steve’s observation last week that Ranvir appeared to be getting a bit of a winner’s edit, tonight has been very much not that, so I don’t know what’s going on any more. [Yeah, a lot can change in a week, can't it? I don't think I've ever seen the show go so cold on a contestant so quickly before they even hit the bottom two. - Steve] Giovanni says she deserves to go into the final because of her journey and that in this show the journey is more important than the technique… yeah, but you don’t want the pinnacle of that journey to be, well, that.

 

Bill and Oti 2

Bill talks about how much he loves Metallica and how ‘Enter Sandman’ is something he uses in his shows. I love that song, too, but isn’t it a bit “mainstream” to be proper heavy metal? We see their journey, from rubbish week 1 Latin through having a quickstep and couple’s choice breakthrough to having an under-par jive (and apparently nothing after that).

For this routine, Oti looks amazing with a black and blue dress and some intricate beading in her hair. Bill’s in a bit of a dull blue suit and they haven’t done anything exciting with his hair, despite Mel Giedroyc’s request on ITT that he go full Pixie Lott. So my main concern about ‘Enter Sandman’ for a tango is that it has a lot of changes in tempo, which you can cover a bit more in a paso through shaping. And this proves to be a real sticking point with this routine, because there is a TON of stopping. Like, they dance down through the first verse, it goes quite well, then they stand still, doing absolutely nothing, for several seconds, waiting through a change of tempo before going again when the main rhythm kicks back in. And this happens a few times. It’s also very sloppy and imprecise throughout, when a tango really needs that staccato punch. There’s a tiny moment of air guitar and some good facial work and yes, there’s something entertaining about Bill Bailey dancing to Metallica, sure, but it’s mostly another of those ‘what did I just watch?’ moments, and not so much in a good way. I just wish that in those moments of standing still they’d done something – even air guitar or headbanging – to lift it. And at the end, Bill grunts a lot which is really disconcerting and I do not like it.

Motsi says ‘Strictly Come Dancing, Bill Bailey, Metallica and Tango are four words I never thought would go together’. That’s seven words, Motsi, although it explains perhaps why everyone calls him Billbailey and not Bill. She says it was typical Billbailey, taking a dance and making it his, though she’d have liked more technique. She also wonders what she just watched. Craig said it could have done with some V-shaping and technique, but he’s always a surprise and he loved it. Shirley says ‘I am very much a heavy metal-bound fan’ ['band', surely? - Steve] and she loved the music, and he has an epic attitude and attack, but there were some balance issues and footwork that was ‘not acceptable to me in a semi-final’ OUCH. Craig then shouts ‘how come Shirley’s not getting booed’ and the audience boo a little then Shirley responds ‘Hold on, hold on. Learn.’ That might be my favourite ever Shirley moment. She then critiques his footwork and knees, ‘but I love Heavy Metal, I love it’ she screeches. Actually, that might be my favourite ever Shirley moment.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia said he made Dave Arch’s night and we see him rocking out – actually, as much as that was a bad music choice, the band did a really great job. Oti says it would have been a shame not to use that song as it’s Bill’s fave. Scores: 8, 7, 8 for a total of 23. Oti says Bill should be in the final because he puts his heart out there and he makes people believe that they can do it too.  Aww.

 

Maisie and Gorka 2

Maisie’s journey goes from being a good dancer to being in the dance-off, to getting a good quickstep (they definitely recorded these before last week's performance show, didn't they?). The judges say her weakness is her footwork, and Gorka says not to worry too much, they’re just talking about the difference between a 9 and a 10. I am not loving that the female ringer is yet again getting their ringer-ness emphasised way more than their male counterpart this year.

Their Viennese Waltz is to ‘A Thousand Years’ which is a boring old sappy song for a boring old sappy genre, and there’s some annoying titting about with a ukulele at the start, but she looks stunning in her floaty dress with curled hair, and Gorka’s trousers are very nice in the bum-enhancing department, and the whole thing is just lovely to watch. As much as I hate the Viennese Waltz, I can’t deny that they can be spectacular when done well, and this is really beautiful – her arms, in particular, are elongated so nicely (*weeps for the lost rumba*), and her face is really selling the wistful, romantic vibe. I originally typed ‘So Maisie’s given my favourite and least favourite routines of the night so far’… but then I remembered Ranvir’s jive, sorry Ranvir. [If anything it's a kindness to forget Ranvir's jive. - Steve]

Craig says her footwork was much improved and her performance was gorgeous though occasionally there could be more stretch. Shirley said it has everything she looked for, her body is like an instrument and it was one of the most beautiful VWs she’s ever seen. Motsi says if it was allowed, she’d hug her now, and the dance was what she’d been looking for from the start – Maisie’s routines have often been a bit busy and that was much more refined. Maisie is crying a lot, bless her.

In the Clauditorium, Maisie’s very emotional still. Scores: 9, 10, 10 for a total of 29 and Gorka squeals. Claudia says she begs to differ with Maisie’s assertion that ballroom isn’t her thing. Hard agree. Her quickstep and tango are easily the best examples of either genre this series and I found most of her ballroom way more interesting than her Latin. Gorka praises her for never giving up and for being good company while he misses Gemma and Mia. [No, YOU're crying. - Steve]

 

HRVY and Janette 2

HRVY says Judges’ Holodeck reminds him of parents’ evening at school because he IS YOUNG. Their comments: being great from week 1, doing a silly gnome cha cha cha, being a GOAT. [For a minute there I tried to remember which theme week they dressed him up as a goat for. 2020 has ruined my brain. - Steve]

Their Charleston is to ‘Another Day of Sun’ and it’s set in a café, where Harvey is the barista and Janette a customer. It begins with a level of dicking about in a kitchen not seen since James Cracknell, but when it gets going, it’s a nice sprightly routine for the most part. It’s very fast, he does well with the goofy attitude, the elongated movements look great and the swivel is present. Its weak points are the lifts, which aren’t the type they usually do where Janette can propel herself around through the force of her bionic pelvic floor alone, but need him to execute them well, and he looks like he’s lugging bags of coffee beans about – unless that was part of the story? Still, it’s bound to get him 9s and 10s in a year that’s been pretty good for Charlestons overall, especially in comparison to jives (Maisie’s aside), cha cha chas and Argentine Tangos.

The judges’ comments are rushed through, presumably for time, and Shirley says it was a great way to close the show – he dances the steps ‘as an artist’. Motsi says she was left speechless and he’d better be careful they don’t ask him to come back next year as a pro – I mean, did you not see that rumba? Or the judges’ holodeck you just did where you all slated his cha cha cha? [Or the fact that he's managed to skip several of the traditional 10 dances? - Steve] Tess asks Craig if he was in ‘swivel heaven’ and he says he was definitely in Heaven in the 90s in Charing Cross which none of the audience respond to at first because apparently they’ve reduced their quotient of middle-aged meeja gays, blame 2020. Eventually there are some giggles, but more in bemusement than anything. Anyway, the swivel was fab-u-lous so he’s probably getting his 10 out again – and whilst this wasn’t flawless, I’d definitely rather this got a 30 than Maisie’s Couple’s Choice.

In the Clauditorium, HRVY is asked if he’ll come back as a pro and he says he’ll work on his rumba before he comes back. He says he wants to be in the final for Janette because she’s been here for 8 years and never done one. I know that might say more about Janette than her contestants, but Anton managed it twice, so… Scores: 10, 10, 10 for a total of 30. Janette then goes into full on mum mode as she says HRVY needs to get through as he’s a great representative of ‘his generation’.

Leaderboard

1. Maisie and Gorka - 30+29=59

2. HRVY and Janette - 23+30=53

3=. Jamie and Karen - 24+24=48

3=. Bill and Oti - 25+23=48

5. Ranvir and Giovanni - 26+18=44

I love that in two-dance week, we still have a tie in the middle!

Claudia lets Janette open the vote because she misses her dancing in front of her when they used to do it, and everyone wears some silly sunglasses they clearly purchased for NotBLACKPOOL week and lost in a box in the props cupboard.

So that's the last of our dances proper. Tomorrow, I would guess we’re getting either Jamie vs Ranvir or Jamie vs Maisie in the dance-off, with Jamie going, unless Ranvir jives, which would be a very silly decision indeed.  Join me then to discover who our finalists will be!