This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- James is jealous of Pasha's lovely natural olive skin. Aren't we all?
- Fern is "the nicest lady ever", according to Dani.
- Artem thinks Fern has made him a better person. She's certainly made him a nuder person, and I think we can all agree that nuder = better where Artem's concerned.
- Craig's having trouble finding things wrong with the dancers at this point, believe it or not.
- Louis has never heard of Ricky Martin or Andy Williams. He's more of Motown sort of bloke.
- "Craig" is an entry on urbandictionary.com, "Tonioli" is not.
- Craig was expecting the other judges to give Louis 8s.
- There'll be a big surprise at Wembley, almost certainly involving Craig's entrance. Fnar.- Whoever does the research for this show is asleep at the wheel, because they had Zoe telling Kimberley that Tom Chambers was in the bottom two in series six (he wasn't - I know we can't talk about Alesha after she BETRAYED THE SHOW or whatever, but you can't just make shit up) and that Cheryl Cole was in the bottom two on Popstars: The Rivals (true, but Kimberley was in it more often than Cheryl was).
- Kimberley likes to shake it.
- Louis was ahead of the music on Saturday.
- This show is now apparently a dumping ground for comedy VTs they didn't have time for on Saturday.
- Denise wants James to be her little pouf.
- Zoe has no power or influence at the BBC. To be fair, we probably knew that already, otherwise she'd have got Ian back on the main show by now.
- You don't have to say sorry if you're trying hard.
- Brendan thinks some other couples were overmarked on Saturday. He is also planning to move into a glass house soon and start lobbing pebbles at the neighbours.
- Victoria can do "stern angry" much easier than "romantic sexyface".
- Ian is pleased with the fluidity in Richard's hips.
- James Jordan was a meanie at school and liked to make people fall over.  So we can blame him for Robin and Brendan's calamities on Saturday?
- Lisa is blaming her bosom for making her lead Robin in their dances.
- Even Ian Waite doesn't know the proper names for dance moves without looking at his cue card.
- Artem is the new Robin. Which means that the "last pro of appropriate gender to go out covers for any pro who is ill" rule conveniently gets reinstated after they dropped it for Denise.
- Spinning with your arms tucked in makes you faster.  Children in playgrounds have been getting this wrong FOR YEARS.
- To create a bounce, you need to be a little more into your knees.
- Karen Hauer is deliberately lying on It Takes Two to create more of a surprise on Saturdays.
- She also hisses like a cat when Nicky fucks up.
- Nicky needs a quiff for this week, but he "doesn't want a Jedward". Who does?
- Kimberley's dress has taken the most time to make this week. Apparently lighting had to be consulted about it. The plot thickens...
- Dani's doing 206 steps in her quickstep - that's a step-and-a-half per second.
- Denise has trained the most hours this week, while Kimberley has trained the fewest. Overall, however, Michael is top and Nicky is at the bottom.
- Holly Valance used to call Russell Grant "Rusty". We, on the other hand, used to call him all sorts of things, few of them printable.
- Robin and Lisa have got some props that move.
- Wiggle the Pig predicts big things for Victoria and Brendan this weekend.
- Anton's dad is Bruce Forsyth
- Kylie only gets Dressing Room 5.  The outrage!
- Michael's had a look, and it's massive. Wembley, obviously, not Nicky's trousersnake.
- ALIONA IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!! She's going to do a group dance at Wembley.
- Alexander Armstrong thinks Victoria should dance to 'Nine Million Bicycles' by Katie Melua.
- Richard Arnold told BIGGINS all of this week's secrets when they did Daybreak together on Friday.
- Anton can't pronounce Artem's surname. You'd think he'd be more careful about making "Oh them FORRINS" comments these days, but apparently not.
- Zoe likes Pasha a bit too much.  Don't we all?
- ERIN ISLAND IS REAL!