Cycle killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Top 8 Results: 25th November 2012

I'm not suggesting this week's results show is particularly light on content, even by its own standards, but I had a full five minutes of Countryfile on my PVR before it started, and even then it still finished on time. So hopefully we can race through it and then get on with more important things, like...oh, who am I kidding? I have no life outside of the internet.


Once the titles have finished rolling, we begin the show with a special guest performance by Flawless. Remember them? They were the street dancers on the same series of Britain's Got Talent as Susan Boyle. [That series was to BGT what the Alexandra/JLs/Ruth and co series was to The X Factor, wasn't it? What is the SCD equivalent? Do we have to say Series 6? I'd rather not - Rad] No, not Diversity, the other ones. Actually, I kind of preferred Flawless to Diversity, but don't tell Ashley Banjo I said that. Anyway, it's nice to have a bit of a change of pace on the show, and a chance to showcase dance styles that aren't necessarily ballroom- or Latin-based. Although frankly I could've done without the shot of the judges at the end, all wearing trilbys and trying to look gangsta. Some more successfully than others, I might add.

Claudia and Tess enter, and...oh, for FUCK'S sake, Daly. You were doing so well last night, and then you had to go and ruin it. Tonight's outfit is a black bustier-style top with mesh all over her arms and upper torso, and black leggings to go with it. She might - might - just have got away with this if it weren't for the mesh panels on either side going all the way down the outfit. I despair, I really do.

Claudia tries to get us excited about The Script and Len's Lens being on later, and then she and Tess try to come up with a little trademark hand gesture to use whenever they mention the Dread Dance-Off. After welcoming the judges, it's time for the customary backstage "drama" video, which involves: Brendan trying to woo the ladies of a certain age who've come to watch the show, not all of whom look especially delighted to be on camera; Kimberley eating some chips; Louis reading his mail while he gets his hair done; Lisa trying to cop off with Pasha (HANDS OFF RILEY, I SAW HIM FIRST); Nicky practising his charleston in the corridor (bless); Robin arriving late; Natalie having more makeup put on her chin (♥), and then the actual show. Backstage, Dani and Vincent can't stop doing their Beyoncé moves, while Pasha grants Kimberley official permission to smile again. Someone's obviously fairly certain he's not in the Dread Dance-Off this week. An increasingly hysterical Victoria giggles that she's trying her best - it just so happens that in this competition, that's only enough to get her to the bottom of the leaderboard. There's no Secret Backstage Footage of Louis or Flavia, possibly because Flavia was too busy running around holding a very sharp knife screaming "YOU WANT BLOOD? I'LL GIVE YOU BLOOD!" Lisa vows to make the judges smile again if she gets through this week, while Michael and Natalie are also not featured in any sort of post-dance scenario. Nicky and Karen do some suitably charlestonesque celebrations in the corridor, and Denise is thrilled to have had another ten. Meanwhile, Bruno disappears off somewhere, possibly to powder his nose, while Craig, Len and Darcey pad down the corridors discussing the show and the crushing inevitability of Denise being at the top of the leaderboard again, and indeed Victoria of being at the bottom again. Craig even admits he actually enjoyed himself this week.

Time for Tess to give us the first set of results for this week. In no particular order, the following couples are safe: Kimberley and Pasha (given that Kimberley didn't really get an opportunity to celebrate last week, she makes up for it tonight with a scream that bore a 78% chance of shattering your television screen), Louis and Flavia, and Nicky and Karen. The first couple in the bottom two, however, is Michael and Natalie.

Tess asks Bruno what Michael can do in the Dread Dance-Off to sell the dance to the judges this time, and Bruno advises that Michael needs to tell the story. Oh, that's all? That sounds like something you can learn to do in 20 minutes. Thanks Bruno!

Up in Claudia's Counselling Centre, the three safe couples are pretty chuffed. Nicky thought he might be in the Dread Dance-Off again, but was thrilled to get four nines, especially as he hasn't actually had any nines prior to this. Claudia then asks Louis if he thought this might be his final week, and Louis says that they pretty much all think that at this point. Victoria, in particular, has been thinking that for about the last month, I think. Well, I say "thinking", I imagine it's more like "hoping". He says he tried to step it up after Wembley, but he felt a bit deflated in front of the judges. Oh, and guess what he's got next week? Yep, the charleston. I wait with interest to see whether that's going to be a sudden breakthrough as he learns to harness his magnetic personality, or whether it's going to be a charleston trainwreck of Peter Shilton-esque proportions. I fear it may be the former, but I also feel that Louis's journey on the show is going to kick over into a sudden "you did it! You learned how to act!" epiphany any day now, so I see no reason why it can't happen on charleston week.

Kimberley, meanwhile, squealed so loudly that dolphins are now saying, in Claudia's words, "what happened?" "Walsh is through!" Heh. Kimberley admits she might have been a bit over the top, but she was so relieved to be through. Actually, so was I; I really thought she might be in trouble this week. Though I imagine she probably could've taken Michael in a Dread Dance-Off if it came to that.

After a trailer for It Takes Two, it's time for a little Len's Lens action. First up for evaluation is Len walking into the studio before filming begins, smacking his own bottom as he does so.

And that's the end of the show! Goodnight everybody!

...what, I really have to continue with this? Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract without reading it. Claudia tells Len that he was very hard on Louis, and Len says that Louis has a great personality when you chat to him, but he doesn't bring it out on the floor. "I love you, but I believe you might be wrong," declares Claudia, and shows some slow-mo footage of Louis snarling. Len says that we all have our moments of passion occasionally, even him (bleurgh), but it needs to be more than that. Then we get to a special mocked-up silent movie edition of Nicky's charleston, all sped up and accompanied by a manic piano. After that, it's time to revisit Pasha's Crack-gate. My favourite bit of all this, incidentally, is the fact that Kimberley, through her laughter, is clearly mouthing "armpit". I love that she really is retaining all of the technical stuff that Pasha teaches her, even if she doesn't always execute it correctly. Craig explains that a lot of people slip into regular ballroom hold instead of proper tango hold, and we see some footage of Kimberley dancing with her thumb firmly wedged in Pasha's armpit to show us what it's meant to look like. Bruno continues to have little to discuss on the matter of Dani's samba beyond the overall Beyoncéness of it, and then we discuss Len and Bruno's gigglefit after they were scoring Lisa, which was apparently all due to them both being really queeny about it when Darcey gave Lisa a six. I think we're going to have to separate those two.

Time to reveal which of the remaining couples have got a safe journey through to next week. In no particular order, they are: Dani and Vincent, Denise and James (with Denise screaming "oh thank god!" in a manner that suggests she really thought she was in trouble, despite being top of the leaderboard), and Lisa and Robin, leaving Victoria and Brendan in the Dread Dance-Off. Hilariously, Victoria just sort of shrugs at this. Possibly because she wants to shout "WHOOPEE I'M GOING HOME!" but is trying to be professional about it.

Tess asks Darcey what Victoria can bring to the Dread Dance-Off now to save her. For reasons that I will never understand, Darcey does not reply "a substitute", but instead says that Victoria needs to really listen to the music and have fun. These bits are almost always entirely useless, aren't they?

Claudia's with the three recently-saved couples, and Dani says that waiting to be declared safe is just the worst experience, and the show should just not do that. Claudia promises to ask the boss about it. Claudia reveals that while the music was playing, James said "it's us" to Denise, because they no longer believe that anyone's safe after the results of the last two weeks. Lisa's over the moon to be through, but still grouses about the judges not loving her rumba as much as she did, and thanks the public for keeping her in.

Then there's a musical interlude featuring Him Out Of The Script along with The Rest Of The Script performing 'Hall Of Fame'. He was the worst thing about The Voice UK (and that's quite an achievement), and I refuse to let him pollute this show with his awfulness, so fuck it, I don't care what my contract says. *fast-forwards* [Pfft.  I have watched every stupid guest performance when I'm on duty.  On the other hand, I totally fast-forwarded this too.  Stupid The Script - Rad]

(Yes, I know Pasha was dancing to that. Not even Pasha can make me sit through The Script, I'm sorry.)

Afterwards, we briefly see Darcey doing some sort of exaggerated hand-jive. Len's Lens is over for this week, love, calm down. Then it's over to Claudia, who asks Victoria if she's prepared for the Dread Dance-Off. "It's still rubbish," Victoria giggles. She and Brendan head down to the dancefloor full of gallows spirit, knowing full well that there is no way they're being saved and both of them actually seeming quite glad about it. Claudia asks Natalie if she and Michael can manage more chemistry in the Dread Dance-Off, and Natalie replies "look out, that's all I've got to say!" Bless her.

Victoria and Brendan reprise their salsa, and it's still a mess - probably even more than it was the first time around - but I'm quite glad to have been proved wrong when I said earlier in the series that Victoria would go to pieces the minute she had to do a Dread Dance-Off. If anything, it's the opposite: I think she's actually just relaxed and enjoying the moment because she knows it's a foregone conclusion. Michael and Natalie then reprise their Argentine tango, and he's making a stab at being more severe, though he still has too much of an air of politeness to really create the right mood. Then again, he's up against Victoria so really the only thing he needs to do to make it through to next week is to not actually die in the process.

Time for the judges to vote: Craig votes for Michael and Natalie, Darcey votes for Michael and Natalie, and Bruno votes for Michael and Natalie. It's all very matter-of-fact, as it was always going to be - it's not rude, but there's no point in pretending it was a close call. Tess asks Len if he agreed with the others, and Len says that he would also have voted for Michael and Natalie - at which point Victoria, playing with her hair, says that she would have voted for Michael and Natalie too. Ha! Good for her. Tess says that it's been an emotional journey for Victoria, and Victoria says that the last four years have been an emotional journey, and then she wells up and giggles that she thinks she needs a holiday. She says that she's had so much fun on the show and loved every second (she doesn't say "except the samba", but I think we can take that as a given) and Brendan has been fantastic, as has everyone behind the scenes. Brendan says it's been an emotional rollercoaster, but he said at the beginning that he was excited to get Victoria, and he hasn't changed his mind, because he's proud of the way she went for everything. "It's a shame I can't dance!" chirps Victoria, and giggles again. Aw, I'm going to miss her. I mean, this was the right time for her to go and everything, but I'll still miss her.

Victoria and Brendan take to the dancefloor for their final dance to 'Don't Leave Me This Way', and then we're done. Join Rad next week as the top seven perform to see if Louis finally has that personality breakthrough, and to see if Denise can cling on to the top spot for the fifth week running...