Semi fly-nal

Semi-final: 15 December 2012

Welcome back!  Last week Dance FUSION happened, and Nicky, Karen and Nicky’s manhood attempted to fuse the impossible (samba and American Smooth), failing along the way to dance either, and ended up being run over repeatedly by a bus. Kimberley and Pasha, meanwhile, earned the first 40 of the series with their epic tango/cha cha cha collaboration – helped, no doubt, by the fact that they’d done both of those dances before – but you will be hearing more of that particular bugbear of mine later.

Our terrible opening VT of the week involves them all dressed as SPORTSMEN and playing hilarious pranks on each other to get to the final – including Lisa making Denise fall over.  I know malfunctions are becoming Denise’s stick in trade, but after what happens tonight: LOL schadenfreude.  It turns out Harry Judd the janitor did it and he would have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids is keeping hold of it for another week.  The VT gives us another chance to remember how cheap and ugly the glitterball trophy really is.  I like that, if anything, the standard of BBC prize giving has only gone down since the days of the Blankety Blank cheque book and pen.  Tough economic times. [Also, I really hope this is all just a joke and each winner gets their own glitterball trophy to keep, because otherwise the thought of Alesha having to hand hers over to Chinno Chambers makes me feel physically ill. - Steve]

Bruce and Tess enter.  Tess stands about fifty feet back from him to do the fist-bumps then reluctantly lets him grab her leg – it’s telling that she looks to have about six layers of fabric on her super long skirt this week.  She grimaces openly.  Daly dresswatch: pretty good for a change, long black ball-gown style, sleeveless, with a slightly odd point above the bust.  Horrible earrings though.

Bruce reminds us that Yum Yum Pig’s Bum happened.  I don’t want this to be a thing.  Please don’t let this be a thing.  We see that Cheryl Cole and Nicola Roberts are in the audience, but with another person sitting between them.  Cue the Digital Spy conspiracies! [Chris and I were speculating on this - we assumed she was Nicola's sister? There seemed to be a bit of a resemblance. - Steve]

Bruce and Tess inform us that the final is next week and the couples have to dance two dances each tonight – is it me, or is the semi-final rather late to be introducing two dances?  It means that every couple in the final will be 2.5-3 dances down on a full set, and I can’t see them making that up, even if they do all new dances in the final, given that SHOWDANCE still has to happen and there are four couples in the final.  I am blaming stupid dance fusion for this – if they must do it, then they could at least force all the couples to fuse two new dances.  Lisa and Kimberley had danced both of theirs previously, and the others had all done one apiece, meaning Nicky was the only one who did it PROPERLY.  Or would have done, had his fusion looked anything like either of the two dances it was meant to be.

For those that haven’t managed to keep up, the missing dances (after tonight’s show) are as follows: Lisa and Robin – Argentine Tango, Waltz, Paso Doble; Denise and James – Samba, Argentine Tango, Quickstep proper; Kimberley and Pasha – Rumba, Waltz, Argentine Tango; Louis and Flavia – Argentine Tango, Quickstep, Rumba proper; Dani and Vincent – Rumba, Paso Doble, Charleston proper.  Looks like we’re headed for a final full of Argentine Tangos, rumbas and pasos then.  I can’t believe that we have two couples who haven’t even done a bog-standard waltz at this stage of the competition.  I also can’t get Lisa Riley’s paso face out of my head and it hasn’t even happened yet. Please, please let it not happen.

Our couples enter, with only Lisa and Robin putting much effort into bopping along to the song even if they do overreach it.  Bruce reminds us that there are only nine shopping days til Christmas and Pasha looks visibly shocked.  Someone will be rushing to the shops inbetween the performance and results shows then.  Bruce then makes some weird comment about buying all the celebrities chocolate and them owing him money for it and then gets mildly threatening towards Tess… it’s all very strange and sinister – perhaps the punchline originally was going to be about Tess waking up with a horse’s head in her bed (before those mean old PC BBC compliance Nazis made him change it), given that we’re trotting out (ho ho) more tired references to Dani being a ‘dark horse’ and Vincent being a ‘little pony.’  I can’t work out which Dani/Vincent reference I’m more sick of – the dark horse thing (she’s basically always second or third, which is way more consistent than, say, Denise, Louis and Kimberley FFS) or the midgetLOLs.

Last week they got their first 10s, more because it was the time in the series they were due them rather than for any reasons of merit.  Dani’s sister and dad come to see her at training in the VT.  Her sister couldn’t be any more unimpressed.  Heh.

Their American Smooth (a dance we will be seeing a LOT of tonight) is to ‘Just Haven’t Met You Yet’ because this show hasn’t given Mickey Bubbles enough royalties yet.  Dani’s dress is really nasty, in the worst shade of pink, encrusted with the worst shade of yellow – and when pink and yellow are done well as a combo, I am their biggest fan, but they need to be super-bright with yellow dominant – and the ruffles are just nasty too.  Sorry costume lady Vicky, you seem really nice but we can’t win them all.  Dani’s hair doesn’t really suit the dance, either, just scraped back into a bog-standard ponytail. [I'm glad you mentioned that, because Dani's hair has been bugging me lately. It always looks fine in training but they style it horribly when she dances. - Steve] The dance itself has some nice parts, and the lifts are quite pretty if a bit samey, but there’s a bit where it gets very stumbly and they don’t mask it very well.

Bruce makes a GAYLOLZ joke about Craig being the Wicked Queen in panto which would have worked if he hadn’t then rambled on about nothing afterwards, but then – Bruce. 

Len liked the lifts and fluidity although thought it could have been cleaner in places.  Bruno liked the GINGER ROGERS parts and is surprised because Dani is YOUNG and couldn’t possibly have heard of Ginger Rogers or seen any of her films on TV or DVD or watched routines on YouTube or anything.  Craig liked some of the heel turns and the grapevines, but thought the hand positions and shaping needed work and it wasn’t as dynamic as it could have been.  Bruce says ‘he liked it, he liked it’.  He will do this after everything Craig says tonight as if the contestants can’t understand the concept of constructive feedback.  Darcey says it was beautiful but a bit safe.

Up on the Tess Circle, Tess reminds Dani that Vincent is the king of Argentine Tango, so their next dance better be good.  Judges’ scores: 8, 8, 9, 9 for a total of 34.  Natalie Lowe is in the Tess Circle.  Miss you Natalie!

Louis and Flavia are up next and the mums in the audience go wild.  Is it an age thing? I mean, I have ovaries, and Louis is good and everything (although I think Denise and Kimberley and possibly Dani are better with their RINGER TRAINING and everything), but he’s far too much like an annoying teenager to be hot. [I'd fancy him if he didn't have that silly haircut or the backtat. I could possibly deal with them in isolation, but both together is officially a dealbreaker. - Steve] Bruce makes some jokes about da yoot using slang from the 90s and early 2000s which means the audience know what he’s on about but actual young people are probably sitting there aghast.  Or they would be if they weren’t all sitting in an underpass drinking cheap cider while this was on.

Louis says he’s very grateful for all his standing ovations and thanks all his fans but Craig keeps going on about his thumb.  His special guest is Aston from JLS, wearing a huge hat, presumably to cover up that hideous lopsided thing he’s doing with his hair at the moment.  Louis calls him Craig Revel Horwood.  Is that because there’s always one in every boyband? 

Louis and Flavia are dressed as an American jock and cheerleader for their jive and he’s carrying a baseball.  You know, sometimes the omens are bad even before a note has been played or a step has been danced.  There’s a lot of dicking about with a basketball.  They’re jiving to ‘Why do Fools Fall in Love’ which seems somewhat slow for a jive.  The dance is a hot fried mess worthy of Nicky or Michael (RIP) – his arms are floppy and all over the place, which works in the Charleston, but not in this, his kicks are minimal and the whole thing is languid and ‘I can’t be bothered’ – the slow music doesn’t help matters, either.  They then end leaning against their cardboard prop lockers and the whole set nearly collapses.  It gets a standing ovation anyway because he’s a man and an Olympian.  Bruce remembers his youth and dancing with ‘Patricia’ – is that an ex-wife?  Wilnelia will be so pleased.

Bruce comments about women fancying Louis and lies that his performance has improved.  He says his kicks and flicks were not as clean and sharp as they could have been.  Which is far kinder than I would have been.  Craig says his jbs were too laid back and it looked a bit lazy and laboured and something seemed to go wrong.  Louis knows this and does the ‘it went perfectly fine’ joke.  Darcey says it was fun and his performance is good but because he’s supple his kicks don’t have any strength.  Given he’s a gymnast you would have thought precision shouldn’t be an issue for him, but maybe I am just unfamiliar with the ways of the SPORTSMAN.  Speaking of SPORTSMEN, even Len doesn’t like it much.  He says Flavia put in too many two-beat jives and the quality of dancing wasn’t very good. Bruce reminds us that the audience loved it.  Oh, Bruce.  Louis could have a nice sitdown like Christopher Parker (or whichever of those anonymous young brunette blokes it was) [I think you mean Matt Di Angelo - Steve] and they’d still whoop like demented fools.

Up on the Tess Circle, we’re reminded that Louis is the only NON RINGER because he doesn’t have performance training like the women, like gymnastics doesn’t have a performance element.  Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31, and several marks higher than it would have been scored were this not the semi-final, but then I sense we could say the same about many of the dances tonight - and, indeed, that a couple of earlier-in-the-series dances were undermarked.  Put it this way, Denise and James’ excellent jive from a few weeks ago only scored a mark higher than that thing just did. [He's lucky this is the semis, because that dance deserved a sub-30 score. It was ATROCIOUS. - Steve]

Speaking of Denise and James, they were in the dance-off last week, did you know?  I would never have guessed.  Denise’s little girl, Betsy, came to rehearsals and then does the cutest ever ‘Keep Dancing’ into the camera.  Entirely shameless, but d’aww nonetheless.

Their tango is to ‘Roxanne’ (how original – for the fourth time).  It’s faster than that jive we just saw, and sharp, intense and dramatic, even if Denise’s tango face is on the wrong side of ‘serial killer’ and James looks a bit constipated.  There’s a very nice floor spin at the end and no wardrobe malfunctions in sight.  Bruce tells them to remember their standing ovation forever, which is what he tells every couple when they get one – poor Louis is never going to remember all of this. [This was one of my top dances of the night - her face was ridiculous, but if you can get past that, it was a great tango. - Steve]

Craig says it got off to a dramatic start with their floor spin and didn’t stop there, there was a little bit of gapping (Bruno keeps shouting ‘rubbish’) but she is a fantastic dancer.  Darcey says she has extraordinary attack and it was clean and beautiful but she needs to kick less high.  Wasn’t that her problem last week?  Len snarks that he hates it when judges have trivial objections to things, like he never does.  He thought it started a bit too much like a paso doble but once it got into hold it was a proper tango.  Bruno babbles  about nothing in particular but finally says it was fantastic, especially with the links.

Up to the Tess Circle they bound and we’re reminded that Denise and James can have BANTER between them.  Scores: 9 (which gets boos), 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39 and their joint highest score.  There are loads of boos – it’s unclear if these are for James and Denise, but Tess clarifies they’re for Craig giving it a 9.

Next up are Kimberley and Pasha, and fortunately, Bruce has remembered to use Pasha’s proper name this week.  Last week they got a 40.  Kimberley is very happy about this and would like to be in the final please.  She gets several up on the other three by bringing loads of family and friends into the studio including her sister who looks loads like her and a couple of cute children.

Their American Smooth is to ‘Fever’ and starts with a pose that looks like Pasha is giving Kimberley elevated cunnilingus, which is an improvement on the Denise/James end-pose to that salsa the other week.  The dance is very smooth, almost a bit too Latin to be an American Smooth, but the lifts appear effortless despite being complicated in places and it’s very sexy, smooth and tight overall.  Bruce implores them to look at their standing ovation.

Darcey loved it and says Kimberley is like a true film star.  She loved the turns into the different moves and says they were very difficult.  Len pervs that he got hot under the collar but says he would have liked more of it to be in ballroom hold and says she’s like Jessica Rabbit (well, she is in a red dress).  Darcey says more Cyd Charisse.  Len gets the hump.  Bruno says it’s Rita Hayworth and uses all the fever, epidemic, quarantine babble he can manage.  Craig says he’d put the routine in one of his shows.  Now starring Lisa Riley!  But more on that one in a bit.

Tess reminds us that Nicola and Cheryl are in the audience.  Cheryl looks like she couldn’t give less of a fuck about this.  Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and Darcey and Bruno doing that annoying high-five thing they’ve taken to lately.  Tess tells us that the pros are shouting that it’s undermarked.  She tells Anton that there are no 12s.  Even if there were, Anton, I think you’d still struggle to get a 10.

Lisa and Robin are next.  Lisa points out that she made a mistake last week but was excited not to be in the dance-off and she’s scarily desperate to get to the final.  Their VT shows them crashing into each other a lot.  Lisa’s special guests are her brother and nephew and she’s the first one to actually cry at her visitors in case you’re keeping emotional manipulation scores.

Their salsa is to ‘Best Years Of Our Lives' and they start by doing bongos on the judges’ heads.  Lisa’s initial shimmies are a bit more invested than Robin’s, even if her leg work is still very clod-hoppy.  They both do big party face, although the underarm twists are quite clunky, and then they attempt a floor spin, but what ends up happening is more that Robin drops her on the floor, then walks away, then she’s stuck and can’t get up, and he has to hoik her up, and then they stop, and when they get back into it they’re out of time and then it’s really awkward, but there’s a really good bit where Robin launches himself full throttle at Lisa’s boobs (such a typical gay man) and somersaults into a lift and then the pace is finally back and then they end.

Len says there were bits falling off all over but she’s still a good party girl.  I’m not sure being described as a ‘party’ kind of person is ever a compliment, is it?  Bruno is laughing about the crash landing and says he was going to explode, but ‘nobody cares because everybody loved it’ and says a technical assessment of it is pointless.  Thanks, Bruno.  Craig is laughing so much he can’t speak.  Darcey compliments her energy and partying.  Bruce calls her ‘the original good time girl’.  So now she’s both old and she’s a bit of a slapper?  Nice compliment, eh, Bruce?

Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad she makes people smile.  Flavia is already bitch-facing about their compliments.  Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31, which is hilarious, but what would be even more hilarious is if I could see Flavia’s face at that result – not that it was much more overmarked than her and Louis’ jive though.  Brendan and Natalie are giving it some great ‘WTF’ in the background.  Anton just stands there dreaming of the day he can get 31 for a salsa.

Half-time leaderboard:

Denise and James 39
Kimberley and Pasha 38

Dani and Vincent 34

Louis and Flavia / Lisa and Robin 31

I wouldn’t say the scores tonight might indicate a likely reversal of the voting scores in an attempt to get Lisa into the dance-off and Kimberley and Denise into the final, because I’m not a conspiracy theorist.  But if I were… [This is the interesting thing - I agree that that's exactly what it looks like, but I also think it's an entirely fair ranking of the first set of dances, except I'd maybe rank Kimberley's American Smooth over Denise's tango. But everyone else is more or less where they deserve to be. - Steve]

Before each couple’s second dance, we get a VT of their journey so far with the judges commenting on them in ways that will become increasingly hilarious and ridiculous.  Dani and Vincent are first and the judges remind us that they are small.  Len says in some ways that’s a disadvantage because dancing is difficult for small people, but in some ways it isn’t, because, as Len has taugh us many times before, dancing is difficult for tall people. Craig lies that he didn’t notice her until her jive (two marks higher than that thing Louis did tonight).  Bruno says he loves that their Viennese waltz was set in Venice.   Last I checked, Bruno, Venice and Vienna were two entirely different places.  In different countries.  Also: thanks for making me feel sick again by reminding me of the godawful staging, music and costumes that dance had.  Len says the slower dances are the places where she loses some musicality and fluidity.  Craig wants to see something new from her.  Len says he’s given Dani more 9s than any other couple.  Because now she’s not part of a couple herself.  And I presume he just means ‘this series’ although I haven’t the energy to trawl through the past nine series to do the maths, sorry.  He says the Argentine Tango might suit her because she’s an actress and it’s the one dance you have to act.  What, not the rumba, which we often get?  Or the Charleston, site of the Louis acting breakthrough?

The dance starts by them doing a sequence in silence and I can’t tell if this is deliberate or if the sound went wrong, but it just seems very odd, because when the music does come in, it’s not at a point in the dance where the music’s arrival makes a huge dramatic impact.  I presume it was deliberate, but it did look like a mistake.  The rest of it is a bit Vincent-by-numbers – it’s perfectly good but there’s something a bit flat about it that I can’t put my finger on – maybe it’s that Dani seems a little nervous, or that there’s nothing surprising about it.  Plus their legs seemed to get caught on each other’s at one point. [I'm feeling like that in general about Dani, to be honest. She's good, but she just doesn't move me at all. - Steve]

Len loved the start without music and thinks Dani mastered the mood and technique.  Bruno calls her a prostitute (well, a lady of the night), which Dani treats with the disdainful ‘yay’ you might expect.  Craig says Vincent has taught her very well and, save a bump lift, it was spectactular.  Bruce says we all know Vincent is the king of the Tango but he doesn’t know what that makes Dani.  Er, OK.  Darcey says she would have liked a straighter, crisper leg but it was marvellous otherwise.

Up to the Tess Circle they run where Tess reminds us that it’s Vincent’s dance and Dani says he probably felt more pressure than she did.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38.  Bruce moans that they didn’t get four tens.  Sod off Bruce.

Louis and Flavia are back up next and Bruce says Louis is bringing out a saucy calendar, despite that VT of a few weeks ago saying he didn’t believe he was a sex object.  I can’t believe the VT lied to me!  The recap of their journey reminds us of Darceylust, the ‘acting’ Charleston, and Patrick Swayze imitations.  Craig points out that he doesn’t have enough commitment to the dahnce.  His dismissive tweeting is not mentioned, but, perhaps, implied.

Louis VTs in bored voice that he doesn’t have time to sit back and relax and it would be a perfect end if he got Flavia into the final.  He couldn’t be any less invested.

Their foxtrot is to ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’, and the singer cannot handle it at all.  It’s the most painful vocal for a good few weeks.  His ‘acting journey’ has taken him all the way back to the same ‘I can smell poo but I’m pretending I can’t’ face he had for the first eight weeks of the series.  Such progress!  The dance itself is mostly nice apart from a bit where Flavia is waiting for him to catch up with her.  Bruce does a good ‘that song sounds like Baa Baa Black Sheep’ gag.

Craig thought the thumb was up but he loved it.  Bruce thought it had lovely rise and fall.  Thanks Bruce!  Darcey thought it was seamless and graceful.  Len thought the rise and fall was a bit ‘bobbing up and down’ but he’s a TRUE SPORTSMAN so that’s all that counts, phwoar, amirite, harder for blokes etc.  Bruno says it was smooth, elegant and graceful and he’s back on top where he belongs.  If by ‘on top’ you mean fourth on the judges’ leaderboard, then yes.

Up on the Tess Circle and Louis says he was nervous.  Flavia says he left it late to be – his casual attitude has REALLY grated on her, hasn’t it? I can’t wait for the bitching interviews in the papers if they don’t win.  Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38 and their joint highest score of the series, which both Louis and Flavia are surprised about.  Tess reminds us that Flavia has promised us a showdance where Louis won’t be wearing any clothes because let it never be said that Flavia doesn’t know exactly who Louis’ fan base is.


Bruce says Denise has been both at the top and in the dance-off, so her highs couldn’t be higher, and her lows couldn’t be lower.  Well, a 40 might have made her highs higher and being bottom of the judges’ leaderboard might have made the lows lower, but anyway.  The judges all have a go at Craig for not giving their Charleston a 10 and Craig says it didn’t explode enough, whatever that means.  Len says that whoever wins has to beat Denise.  Yes, and Kimberley and Dani (or Louis, LOL) – given that Denise hasn’t topped the leaderboard for a while and is clearly not doing so well in the public vote, it doesn’t seem like a tall order to me.  Darcey then says she has one weakness, her hips, ‘in the samba and the salsa’.  Denise hasn’t even done the samba.  This bloody show.  We see an illustration of this with Denise’s cha cha and salsa.  Now, I’m not saying Denise’s samba would be any better than either of these, because I don’t think fast Latin is her thing (jive excepted, but then that’s only notionally Latin anyway), but if you’re going to judge how well someone does something, at least let them actually do that thing.  I guess I should just take this to read that Darcey is a dance racist and thinks all the Latin dances look the same. 

Also, I would have thought Denise’s two main handicaps were: James Jordan and BEING THE RINGIEST RINGER of the remaining ringers.  Alongside her tendency for wardrobe malfunctions.  But anyway, she’d like to be in the final, surprisingly.

They’re dancing the rumba to ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’, so beloved of Simon Cowell.  By the way, if you’ve thought this series has had a paucity of rumbas, you’d be right.  This is only the fourth (or four-and-a-halfth if you count Louis’ fusion). I was really looking forward to this as their training VTs on ITT looked excellent, but it’s a little stoppy-starty in places, and not fluid enough – which seems to be a choreography rather than performance issue.  Moments of it are lovely, but unfortunately, these coincide with the singer’s most waily moments, which distract somewhat.  The ending requires Denise to pull overwrought emo face like a teenager.  All in all, a bit of a missed opportunity.  This seems to be largely James’ fault, even though I usually find his choreography much more palatable than that of Robin or Karen. [I thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS. Completely unnecessarily over-the-top. That's the most I've laughed at any dance this year that wasn't performed by Lisa. - Steve]

Darcey loves Denise’s arms and the reach and movement she has with them and says it was more of a romance than a passionate love story, with some of the movements too broken up, but it felt beautiful.  Len reminds us that someone is going home but that the final wouldn’t be right if they weren’t there.  Bruno was deeply moved by the rumba and says it was beautiful with lovely lines and transitions and that she was on it 100%.  Craig says she has fantastic storytelling, balance and finishing but wanted to lift her dress up to see the hip action.  James responds with ‘I thought you’d be looking at my hip action’.  GAYLOLZ.

Up on the Tess Circle, Tess says Denise really sold it with her acting skills.  It was TOTES EMOSH – so emotional, in fact, that James almost cries, saying it was his favourite ever dance on Strictly.  A bit late now for the ovary vote, James, but never mind.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38. 

Kimberley and Pasha next and Bruce is mildly shocked at their wasting of the precious BBC budget on having an ACTUAL PLANE in the studio.  Len says ‘Nimble Kimble’ has been a revelation to him, and not at all one of the celebrities predicted to be good even before this thing started.  He likes her flaunting herself at him.  Bruno and now you.  Craig acts like a stereotypical gay by being impressed that she’s a Girl Aloud.  He moans about her core, even though improving her core was what I thought she’d done on her Strictly Journey.  We cut straight into her doing a pratfall in training for the Charleston.  Heh.  She says everyone left is amazing.  Except Lisa.  But she doesn’t say that.

Their actual plane isn’t life size and looks like it was probably borrowed from… I dunno, some kiddie museum or something?  It’s probably not going to eat up all the money the BBC saved by producing a shitty trophy, put it that way.  Their Charleston is to ‘Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines’ in which Pasha takes the role of a pilot and Kimberley his passenger.  Or something.  The footwork is very good for the most part but they completely stumble over one of the lifts and there’s another part where they’re a fraction out of time with one another, but that seems to be a Charleston thing that happens fairly often.  Kimberley’s gurn face isn’t bad, although the aeroplane gestures are a bit much, even for a Charleston.  It’s a lot of fun and really watchable, with some nice cartwheels and lifts, and I really like it, but I don’t think it’s the best Charleston of the series, lying somewhere just above Louis but behind Denise and Nicky for me - and it certainly isn’t the best dance of the night – I’d say their American Smooth and Denise’s tango were both better, and possibly also Louis’ foxtrot and Dani’s American Smooth for that matter.

What do I know, though?  Len loves it, Bruno thought it was fun, Craig gives it a fab-u-lous and Darcey calls her a quirky, naughty flapper.  This show tonight… She also liked the straight legs in the cartwheels.

Up on the Tess Circle and Kimberley says she loved it.  Tess reminds them about SHOWDANCE.  She says she has high hopes for it.  After the mess Pasha and Chelsee did last year, I don’t.  Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for their second forty and the best pissed off Flavia face ever, which she quickly turns into a forced grin.  Hee.

Finally, it’s Lisa and Robin.  Bruce snarks about Craog finally finding his 10, despite it being used last week for the same couple.  Bruce calls Lisa Leeza and says she surprised everyone in the first week.  Shame it didn’t keep like that.  The judges’ comments basically keep going on about her body size – so much for trying to prove that it doesn’t matter, show.  We’re reminded of her one genuinely good dance, her leading Robin around, the splits moment and her technique being a bit rubbish most of the time.

Their American Smooth is going to be Foxtrot-based – which is good to know as I’m not sure you’d pick that up otherwise.  Lisa acknowledges that she’s not the best and her frame and technique aren’t good, but she’ll cry if she isn’t in the final.  Or something.  They’re dancing to ‘All That Jazz’.  Is this a burn on Denise? [It would be if she'd done the whole thing sitting down. - Steve] The choreography is mostly West End – jazz hands, shimmying and posing – which Robin is utterly LOVING when you look at his face.  Occasionally they bob around in hold, and those bits aren’t too bad, if a bit pedestrian, but really, Robin wants to get his Fosse on, so they do more musical theatre.  It’s entertaining enough, not their worst by any stretch of the imagination.  The singer can’t get the last, long high note, but then no-one’s surprised.

They get a standing ovation because they need to have one at some point.  Bruno says it was very theatrical and there were a couple of moments that were stumbly, then he kicks out and Bruce freaks out because he fears he’ll get kicked in the face.  Heh.  Craig loved the Fosse elements but thought there was some gapping in their hold but he loves watching her dance.  Now, a lot of people think Craig is being too nice to her because she’s in his show, and whilst I’m sure there’s an element of that, I don’t think it’s the only reason.  She seems very fragile, even more so than Victoria, and I’m sure that’s part of it, along with her (presumably) large public vote and the sense that they don’t want to be fattist (they’re totally failing, given they keep calling her ‘larger than life’ and ‘big’ but anyway).  I’m not saying he has no vested interest, just that I don’t think it’s the main factor in the sympathetic treatment she gets.  Darcey loves her lines in the mirroring and says she’s like a musical theatre star.  Funny how on this show, that’s a high compliment, whilst on The X Factor, it’s one of the biggest put-downs ever. 

Len says he thought he could see her razzle dazzle when she kicked and everyone laughs.  He then tells her to hold his gays, but given how tight she usually grips Robin, I’m sure that’s not a problem.  People keep laughing and he gets annoyed.  Bruno: ‘That’s your fun club’.  Len: ‘Funny club’.  Bruno: ‘Fanny club’. Bruno bursts into hysterics.  Len gets pissed off and says she’s not always the judges’ champion, but she’s the people’s champion.  So he basically just called her Christopher Maloney.  Worrabastard.

Up on the Tess Circle, Lisa is glad that people keep voting for her.  Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32.  Tess apologises for Bruno’s language (and not Len’s, though he started it) but then ruins it all by asking if Lisa’s razzle dazzled us.  Oh, Tess.  Ola is pissing herself laughing in the background, whilst most of the other pros are trying to pull as straight faces as they can manage.  Robin jazz hands a lot as Tess reads out the number.  Can you imagine a Robin/Lisa SHOWDANCE?  It’s a truly terrifying thought.

So the final leaderboard then:

Kimberley and Pasha 78

Denise and James 77

Dani and Vincent 72

Louis and Flavia 70

Lisa and Robin 63

Which, with the exception of Louis and Lisa’s positions, is pretty much a reverse of how I imagine the public vote to be, giving them the best possible shot of having Lisa in the dance-off and thus avoiding having a female Chris Hollins/Darren Gough winner, except even worse.  

Because we still have time to kill, we're reminded that the dancers all want to be in the final.  WHY DID THEY NOT TELL US THIS BEFORE?  Desperation rankings from the VTs: Lisa>Denise>Kimberley>>>Dani>>>>>>>Louis.

Tomorrow night Katherine Jenkins will be performing and the show will be hoping its done its maths right and Lisa is going home.  Join me then!