Taking the Michael

Top 7 results: 2 December 2012

We open with a pro dance featuring Aliona, Pasha, Robin, Kristina, Karen, Artem, James, Ola, Natalie and Brendan that seems to be a strange and not altogether successful mash-up of the Argentine Tango, Charleston, Jive, Salsa, American Smooth and Mambo and probably some others too.  However, Natalie gets to have a starring role in the centre, comes on wearing a fur stole which the male pros have to dispose of for her and she does a patented Natalie Lowe wink or two, so everything is OK with the world. [I love that a "Natalie Lowe wink" is what most normal people would consider a seizure. God love her. - Steve]

We welcome the judges and Darcey appears to be wearing a sequined pair of smart hotpants coupled with a horrible sequinned suit-jacket type thing... and yet this is still a sartorial triumph next to Tess, who is wearing possibly her worst ever outfit - a top made of pink fish scales that is too high cut on the chest and makes her have mum-boobs and too tight on the arms, with a sequinned skirt in a completely different, clashing, shade of pale pink, that is cut to the length of Star Trek skirts and has a nasty slit up the thigh.  This is teamed with a peach lip gloss that washes her out and some bad dangly earrings.  Claudia is dressed as a teenage goth as usual.

Claudia implores us to be excited about JLS and Alfie Boe and Tess does a little horny mum boogie when Boe's name is mentioned.  They then do a terrible fist bump thing to indicate the dance-off, where they bump their own two fists together, not each other's, as Tess only lets Claudia get a little lesbianical when they're presenting on Saturdays.

Backstage snooping time!  I do wish they wouldn't show us the general public.  NotJiveBunny is back.  Vincent is flirting with everyone, but mostly himself.  Michael will enjoy dancing again if they hit the dance-off.  Nicky hurts his hand giving Karen a high-five.  Len lies that the leaderboard has been totally 'shook up'. Yes, because Michael and Nicky bottom, Louis, Dani and Kimberley near the top and Lisa mid-table is so surprising.  I guess Denise and James being mid-table is unusual, but even then, not unprecedented.  No Claudia trying to get the gossip again.  *Sadface*

Results time - safe are Louis and Flavia and Lisa and Robin.  In the dance-off: Michael and Natalie, who look not in the least bit surprised.

Len says the samba is a notoriously difficult dance and Michael needs to work his hips in the dance-off.  In Claudia's Counselling Circle, Louis pretends to be happy about going through and lies that it was 'make or break' for them this week.  Lisa loved the quickstep and is grateful for the public support.  Now I can see it close up, the yellow nylon against peach lace on her dress is quite, quite horrible.  Robin is glad to have beaten his week 9 curse.

Time for our first special guests, JLS, and I am pleased to report that they're still using colour-coded ear pieces.  Marvin's vocal isn't very good, Oritse has somehow got more attractive - perhaps it's the addition of patented James Arthur glasses (which is odd, as James Arthur looks better without his).  Aston looks as though his hairline may be receding somewhat and he's badly trying to compensate with a shaved on the sides, lopsided bit on top thing that isn't working for him at all.  Yellow looks very weird like something has happened to his face, and can I just say I'm happy he's dancing on the Christmas special, and I hope that means we get this again.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!  (Their new single is rubbish by the way, but let's gloss over that).

With the judges now, and Darcey's outfit gets worse.  She is indeed wearing a glittery hotpants suit, in pale purple, with fishnet tights.  It's as if she's deliberately playing some kind of costume oneupmanship (or should that be onedownmanship?  Or, I suppose onedownwomanship) with Tess.  Craig's metallic bow-tie is pretty vile, too.

Sadly, Len's Lens is still with us.  Len has a plastered-on grimace during Lisa and Robin's dance that looks eerily like a puppet.  He starts blathering some nonsense about the supermarket, and Claudia goes 'we don't have time to go into what you get in the supermarket.  Probably walnuts'.  This woman is worth her weight in gold.  I'd suggest Claudia/Nicole Sherzinger as a presenting double-act for this show, seeing as the latter won DWTS but those two plus Bruno would equal a barrage of hilarious nonsense but probably no actual dancing.  We then see the moment Lisa's somersault went wrong and she landed badly.  Ouch!  She's braver than me though.  We then relive Louis' "acting" and his gymnastic skills.  Bruno snarks about Craig giving Louis an 8 when it was 'perfect'.  It so wasn't perfect.  Claudia talks about NotJiveBunny again and we see him bringing the judges to their seats.  Bruno then uses Natalie's fierce headdress as a duster.  Fern Britton RIP neva4get.  And that was an even-worse-than-usual Len's Lens!  Hooray!

More results!  Safe are: Denise and James and Dani and Vincent, which means we're left with two couples who've been in the dance-off before, and it's Nicky and Karen who will face Michael and Natalie.  Presumably Michael will go for his third time in the bottom, but Nicky will be gone next time he lands there.  Craig says Nicky needs to seduce Karen more.

Up in Claudia's Counselling Circle and we learn that Dani and Vincent are short.  I would never have known.  James says he went blank because of the pressure and Claudia commends him for admitting it.  Oh James Jordan, stop trying to make a redemption arc happen for yourself.  Kimberley is still reeling from the fire-tease and says they need to up their game next week, despite getting two 9s and being second on the leaderboard.  I think that time she was in the bottom two really broke her. [She does seem a bit less...invested since then, doesn't she? I wish she'd just embrace it and go full-on Holly Valance, it'd be much funnier. - Steve]

O yay, it's Alfie Boe singing 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'.  It's very low and mumbly and dirgey and Aliona and Artem's tits are dancing about in front of it in a very theatrical manner with some very nice spins towards the end.  Does this, coupled with Pasha and Karen doing so many dances together mean Artem and Pasha have swapped pro partners then? [They were paired Pasha/Aliona and Artem/Karen in the opening number, so who knows, frankly? - Steve]

Up in Claudia's Counselling Circle and she tells us that next week there will be some 'dance fusion' where they have to fuse two types of dance together to one piece of music - which I am assuming is that pro dance at the start was leading up to.  Denise pulls a 'yep, this is going to be as bad as it sounds' face right down the camera.  Heh.  Len tells us about it via the medium of a terrible split screen VT.  Basically, you fuse two dances of your choice together.  Wonder if anyone will be cheeky enough to just do salsamba again?  Are they allowed to do the Macarena coupled with The Twist?  The Birdie Song coupled with Saturday Night?  I just can't wait!  Thank heavens Steve is recapping that thing. [It's going to be such a mess. Expect CAPSLOCK, that's all I'm saying. - Steve]

Dance-off time.  Michael's samba is no better than it was, and is a bit more clumsy if anything.  Natalie blows us all a kiss down the camera.  Thanks, Natalie! Karen looks so pissed-off to be in the dance-off again and Nicky looks very awkward, facially.  I just don't think he can do serious - he keeps looking like he's going to burst into tears.  Again, I don't think it's much better than the first time round, but it should be enough to see him through until next week.  Natalie knows it too, and looks so sad.  I genuinely think she and Michael enjoyed dancing together and I'm really going to miss them.

Anyway, formality time, and Craig saves Nicky and Karen for being 'sensational', Darcey lies that they both upped their game and saves Nicky and Karen and Bruno saves them because they have a 'licence to thrill' which gets a deserved groan from the audience.  Michael says he's loved it and Nicky thoroughly deserves the won and calls Natalie the real winner for getting him so far.  Natalie thanks him and apologises for not getting him any further.  They dance out to 'Because You Loved Me' for a bit and then everyone mobs them and Natalie bursts into tears.  Awww.

Next week!  That dance fusion mess, which we will almost certainly never speak of again after this series! [I bet you dollars to donuts it ends up being this series' answer to the rock-and-roll. The what now? Exactly. - Steve] Join Steve then.