The fallen Macdonald with the big gaudes

Top 13 Results Sunday October 2013

We open with a Baz-Luhrman's-Gatsby-style dance featuring a lot of Kristina, who clearly likes being thrown about.  Random pro pairings this week: Anton and a very curly wigged Iveta whilst Aljaž gets to fawn over Kristina with Robin.  I'm not sure what the genre is, except LOOK AT KRISTINA.  She’s thrown about and stuck in a wine glass to pose a lot whilst everyone else swivels wildly around the floor, seemingly fusing every step known to humanity.  Though if we must do FUSION week again then this mashup of about a zillion genres ALL OF THEM KRISTINA is preferable to the awful cut and shut crap we got last year.

Tess and Claudia enter.  Daly dresswatch - a white flowery thing which is almost there but not quite – it’s clinging oddly at the bust and is a weird length, which makes her legs look super-sparrowy.  Essentially, its pattern is that of a sparkly doily, which I don’t mind so much but YMMV.  This also caused someone on my timeline to tweet #tessdressmess which is my favourite new hashtag even if I think Tess’s dresses are not quite as bad this year. Claudia’s – navy!  Satiny!  They remind us how the show works and we welcome the judges, all in black.

Lucky us - we have TWO performances coming up: Andrea Begley from The Voice and Keane doing one of their greatest hits. I see Christmas album season is upon us already. Claudia tries to get us excited about Len’s Lens.  She fails.

We have the usual recap of last night.  Of note: Susanna wants to come off going RUARGH it was great.  Not sure whether she did or not.  Every part of Julien is going to be danced off.  Prescient, Julien.  BEN HAZ GUNZ. 

Results time.  Safe are: Mark and Iveta; Natalie and Artem; Deborah and Robin; Abbey and Aljaž; Ashley and Ola.  In the bottom two: Rachel and Pasha.  Aww, how could you meanies put them in the bottom two? (I say this as if I'd voted, which I didn't. In my defence, I was on a train at the time) [I voted for Rachel, but I voted for Mark more. - Steve]

Bruno tells them the content of their dance was good so Rachel needs not to panic.  Rachel is glad she has the chance to do it again and enjoy it more.

Up in Claudia’s Counselling Centre, Abbey is thrilled, Mark had a ball and Natalie is grateful for all the support.

Andrea from The Voice is our first star guest.  She's been styled by Tess’s old stylist, poor thing.  And as if to prove the point that Abi from X Factor has basically stolen her schtick, which she in turn stole from John Lewis, she is doing a Ballided version of Dancing in the Dark, with some sort of tree behind her and the floor candles of Annie Lennox that time.  Pasha and Anya do some lovely wafting and rolling about in front, which is lovely but it could have been a lovely jive or something instead without the tedious balladry (and I quite liked Andrea on The Voice so I wanted to approve of this). I watch this show to get away from what Funsponge Borelow considers fun. [However, releasing a cover of 'Dancing In The Dark' is A+ trolling on the part of Andrea, so well done there. - Steve]

Time now for what we have learned from Len's Lens: Claudia loves carp, Patrick and Anya look worse in slo mo than they did last night - really out of time with each other, despite evil judge lies that they're amazing in slo-mo.  Ben haz gunz and also THIGHZ.  Natalie is caning it but canes are dangerous!1!!!

Our next round of safe couples: Ben and Kristina; Sophie and Brendan; Patrick and Anya (who Jamaica-voices 'Lord have mercy'.  Sorry, Ash from Casualty, still not enough to establish a personality); Dave and Karen; Susanna and Kevin; Fiona and Anton – leaving Julien and Janette in the bottom two, setting up the precise opposite of a ZOMG! SHOCK BOOT!

Julien says it’s a bit surreal but he’s prepared as he’s been there before and gets in his exit speech early, claiming he’s had an amazing time and will keep dancing.

Back with Claudia and her Counselling Centre, and Anton thinks Fiona is brilliant and everyone’s allowed a slip-up – I presume he means himself and his rubbish Latin here.  But next week he has ballroom, so yay!  Ben is happy to be able to turn throwing around into a dance.  Well, Kristina is doing her best with what she has, I guess.  Sophie is sad that Pasha and Rachel are in the dance off and Claudia basically takes the piss out of being sad.  Love her.

Keane perform next, and their singer looks unrecognisable. They do 'Everybody's Changing' accompanied by some nice contemporary dancing from Artem and Janette. I thought Keane has split up ages ago but seems this is the obligatory shill a greatest hits for contractual obligations bit and then they're splitting up. JLS seem to be doing the same but with added annoying X Factor ad bumpers.

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!  No, not another tedious ‘who stole the Glitterball?’ skit (it was Zoe, by the way, after Pasha and Rachel proved to be rubbish thieves earlier) – NATALIE LOWE is back.  And OK, it’s for comedy VT purposes with a miffed James Jordan sat beside her rueing being out so early and having to do this shit, but NATALIE LOWE everybody.  I’ve missed her. Claudia says ‘Give it back ball, we know where you live.  Which is with me.’  Zoe and Claudia’s flatshare is a sitcom and/or reality show I am desperate to see.  Make it happen, BBC! [Yes please. Bruno and Craig can be their wacky neighbours. - Steve]

Claudia talks to the bottom two couples.  Pasha says they just need to do it.  Claudia wishes the ‘humans’ luck (because Janette and Julien can’t be human with shrieks like that).  Julien says he feels like he’s been here before, oh yeah, he’s been there twice and they’re going to dahnce and do their best and then go home for some refreshments.  

Rachel and Pasha go first and if I’d say they are significantly worse than before, whereas the others are possibly marginally better (not so the singers, mind you). Maybe. Of course we still have to go through judgey lies about both improving before Julien and Janette finally get a full house of rejections.  Julien thanks “everybody” at home who voted for him, the audience and the judges, but not Janette, who looks a bit put out.  She says she hasn’t met anyone who put in more hours to make it happen than him and she was happy he was her first partner on Strictly.  Julien then remembers to thank Janette and they go off to dance.

They dance off to ‘Go Now’ (Ha!) and we’re told next week will be ‘twelve new routines’ with no mention of Halloween, but I can’t imagine we’ll get away without that… will we?  Join Steve then to find out!