The GUNZ of 'Now Go Home'

Top 8 Results: Sunday 24 November 2013

“Last night!” Everything was all a bit restrained and boring! “Tonight!” I get a genuine surprise as I haven’t had the result spoilered for me before writing this recap, despite it being Monday night as I write. Although I guess ‘surprise’ is a loose term given I am expecting it to be Mark and I probably wouldn’t be shocked at anyone else joining him in the bottom two.

We open with a cake themed pro dance to ‘If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake’ and ‘Candyman’. Our random pro pairings this week involve Pasha and Janette, Artem and Karen, Aliona and James and Craig and Bruno as pastry chefs. They wheel in a cake, filled with Mary Berry. It’s entirely random, especially given Bake Off is over (except the Junior version) but still: MARY BERRY. Can we just crown her Strictly winner and be done with it? [Anything as long as those Paul Hollywood contestant rumours never come to fruition. - Steve]

Claudia and Tess enter: Claudia dressed in an apron and chef’s hat over something pink, carrying a tray of cakes. DALY DRESSWATCH: Wallpaper. I mean, quite nice wallpaper, but still. Coming up: Il Divo. Oh FFS I had to watch those shitty tenors and now this?

Recap of last night. New bits of note: Mark does what Iveta tells him regarding wearing his glasses (surprise); Susanna appears to be the new warm-up artist; Ben and Abbey appear to be striking up a dance partnership; Ashley went missing before the show (probably to catch some sleep); Sophie’s dad and granny wouldn’t want to see her do a FILTHY RUMBA.

Results time and safe are: Natalie and Artem; Ashley and Ola and Susanna and Kevin(who gives a big ‘thank you thank you’ right down the lens, the ham). The first couple in the dance-off will be Mark and Iveta, so I guess we know how that’s going to go.

Len says Mark needs to try and get some sway in the dance. Mark says he’ll enjoy it.

In Claudia’s Counselling Centre, she laughs at how nervous they all were. Artem is crying, I’m guessing from some sort of pain we haven’t yet heard about, unless the programme has broken him as well. Ashley says he’s going to shop for a new head this week. Susanna is through. Claudia asks what their quickstep will be to next week. Kevin, excitedly, says ‘Good morning’.  Susanna’s all: ‘um… yeeeeah’ in the manner I imagined Rough Copy greeted the news they’d be covering an En Vogue song that no-one really associates with the X Factor this week for the ‘best of’ night.  (So much LOL at them trying to make 10 years of X Factor happen on the same night as Doctor Who’s 50th and in the same week as James Arthur imploded. Props to ITV’s marketing people for that idea).

Il Divo are up now to perform, warbling Tonight whilst Kristina and Aljaž twirl around, showing off that they have the two best bodies in Strictly. 

Len’s Lens is next and highlights are Bruno having shot his load too early in the pro dance (his confetti gun didn’t fire – looked like it had already been used); Mark not having the proper posture in his foxtrot; BENZ GUNZ DONE AN ACTING; Bruno giving a 10 for Natalie and Artem whilst all the other judges look incredulous (his reason?  It was the best dance of the night.  Oh Bruno).

Final set of results now. Safe are: Patrick and Anya; Abbey and Aljaž and... the biggest pause in the world, during which I can just feel Steve going mental... Sophie and Brendan. [I would've been going mental if I hadn't checked the Digital Spy spoiler thread the night before. Although even then, there was a part of me that thought the Ben/Kristina spoiler was some wonderful dream that was about to implode. - Steve] Well, I’m somewhat shocked at Ben and Kristina ending up in the bottom two but I can’t see them saving Mark for a third time unless Ben and Kristina screw up the dance-off like Anton and Fiona did.

Bruno tells Ben to be sharper in his feet and enjoy it. Ben says he’s been living on borrowed time for ages and begins his exit speech. I love how much he really wants to win this. It’s a shame we don’t see Kristina giving him the death stare as he says that, although we do get a bit of a side view of it afterwards. 

In Claudia’s counselling circle, she says they’re all delighted to be through as the camera focuses on Sophie looking like death. Heh. Next week, Patrick will be dancing to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Claudia says Sophie nodded when they were last to be called safe. Sophie said she thought ‘Let’s get ready to rumba’. I love it when she does dorky jokes. She then says she’s excited about the musicals week next week.

Cue VT of them all singing, most of them deliberately badly. Most of them ask things like ‘shall we go for a coffee?’ Ben’s line: ‘I’m really tired and I want to go now’. HA. 

Claudia is with the dance-off couples.  Iveta is crying on Mark’s shoulder, whilst Kristina looks like she will cut Iveta up if she dares to get through another week. Claudia asks Ben and Kristina if they thought they’d be in the dance-off. Kristina says yes, ‘with those awful scores’ and that she thought it was his best dance. It probably was, but many of the other recent ones have been hideously overmarked.

I don’t think Mark and Iveta’s dance is quite as good the second time, but it’s still a lovely, happy thing and I’m really going to miss their partnership if they go tonight.

Ben and Kristina’s is probably better at first but his face is already a bit over the whole thing and it totally falls apart halfway through when he muffs one of the lifts and forgets some of the moves. His footwork is as ungainly as ever and the bit he seems to enjoy most is when he collapses on the floor.  Hey Ashley – wonder where all your sleep went?  Ben’s been stealing it.

Craig says both couples made mistakes but he will save Ben and Kristina. Darcey saves Mark and Iveta, ‘based on tonight’s performance.’ Bruno calls both endearing but both with obvious mistakes and saves Mark and Iveta, but Len has the casting vote. He says they both went wrong but one made a small mistake and one two blatant ones, meaning he is saving Mark and Iveta. Iveta can’t believe it, and neither can I, given Len’s SPORTSMAN lust. Maybe it was the only way to guarantee they’d quash his phone vote, given Mark is dead in the water next week and Ben would probably get a bounce. [Also the conspiracy theorist in me wondered if they wanted to hold on to Mark for a tiny bit longer just to cushion against the potential for any of Abbey/Patrick/Sophie to appear in the bottom two next week, but that's probably reaching a bit. - Steve]

Ben has enjoyed it, and thinks Kristina has been great. Kristina says if there was a trophy for most improved it would go to him. She says he has given her her most rewarding experience on Strictly because she took someone with no talent and got him here. JOE CALZAGHE BURN! Their final dance involves Ben lifting Kristina, then standing around a bit. Never change, BENZ TITZ N GUNZ.

Next week!  The theme weeks are back!  This time, it’s musicals week!  Join Steve for that one.