The Myers-jigs test

Top 9 or 10 Results show, Sunday 11 November 2013

"Last night"! Natalie was off sick, leaving a battle for the top spot, which was given to Patrick as a fiftieth present (and for having the most exciting dance of the night). Dave and Mark were fighting for bottom place and everyone wants to go to BLACKPOOL. But one couple will not make it! Who shall it be?

We open to a wartime tribute swing dance to the Puppini sisters featuring a bit where someone - I think possibly Artem - appears to give Brendan a blow job. All in the service of our brave boys! [Hurr, "service". - Steve] For those keeping score, Anton is on Iveta lifting duties tonight and looks a bit uncomfortable during one of the lifts.

Cludia and Tess enter. Daly dresswatch: NOT A DRESS – leggings and a crochet-type black and white top. Brave! Although someone really needs to teach Tess that busty girls need lower necklines. Claudia is wearing a little white thing that I swear she’s worn before. We’re reminded about the dreaded dance-off and Len’s Lens and boring guest stars singing a song and all the things that make this results show what it is.

It’s time for the usual behind the scenes bits – the new information of note: Mark needs to remain serious whilst having the bald cap put on, Natalie looking very woozy in her dance before passing out to the plinky plonky piano music of doom, Ola being very excited about 35 despite it not putting them much higher on the leaderboard than they’ve ever been, Sophie not being sure whether to be happy or sad about her good-but-not-spectacular score – such a confusing redemption arc narrative.

Tess reminds us that Natalie couldn’t dance and has a bye to BLACKPOOL and BLACKPOOL is where everyone else wants to be, so it’s time for our first set of results. Safe are: Susanna and Kevin; Patrick and Anya; Abbey and Aljaž – with Dave and Karen in the dance-off. Call off the John Sargeant memorial panic everyone! Tess asks Len what they can do to get to BLACKPOOL. Len says their last routine had the most content and Dave needs to attack the dance with the same attitude (so they can send him home, presumably).

Claudia’s counselling centre is full of bottom two survivors and Kevin, 'the king of dance', which he splutters at, and she reminds him that his family are all great dancers and he has danced at BLACKPOOL before. Kevin says Blackpool is great and he is glad Susanna will experience it. Patrick is happy in his typically nonplussed way. Abbey is made up that she’s through.

There’s now a Remembrance Sunday VT where they all go to sell poppies and yet none of them can answer the question of why poppies never stay on your clothes because pins are rubbish and then you feel like men of a certain generation are judging you when you walk down town for not wearing one even though you were and it just fell off. Or am I the only one who has that kind of paranoia? [Nope - I deliberately didn't wear one this year because it always seems like it gets so battered as soon as I venture outside, and I decided it's more disrespectful to wear a battered one than to wear no poppy at all. I did still put some money in the tin, though. - Steve] Anyway, we’re reminded how wonderful the British Legion and, indeed, the British people are, and Anton and Aliona do a bit of dancing and then NATALIE LOWE turns up in the photo shoot at the end, which I feel merited more airtime than it got.

Time for Len’s Lens now and we see Anya giving Patrick a head butt in the nuts during their cartwheel. OUCH! Susanna and Kevin’s turns are re-examined, and Brendan tipping Sophie down whilst posed. We then see Patrick and Anya getting through their mistake and Darcey using this as justification for her 10. Hilariously, Bruno talks about Abbey and Aljaž having their feet in sync to a clip where… their feet go out of sync. We then see Craig saying Ben’s legs aren’t good enough and Len being all SPORTSMEN ARE SPORTSMEN SO YOU SHUT UP CRAIG BECAUSE I’M A GOODY AND YOU’RE A BADDY. God, Len is so obnoxious.

We talk about Mark being a great performer some more. Time for the second set of results. Safe are: Sophie and Brendan; Ben and Kristina (who is going into a full on eyes-on-the-prize frenzy as expected right at the start of the series before we realised Ben couldn’t dance); Ashley and Ola and Fiona and Anton, leaving Mark and Iveta to face the dance-off. Craig reminds Mark to sort out his hands, but he can dance and act and he wants him to do well. Mark says he’s disappointed to be there but everyone will be at some point and he’s sad to be up against Dave. Claudia asks Sophie if she’s relieved. Sophie is really excited to be going to BLACKPOOL because it’ll be like going on a school trip and they’ll have a lovely time. Of course that’s what Head Girl Sophie says. <3

Kristina is relieved to be through and snarks about getting a 4. Watch out for Benz titz’n’gunz’n’thighz having a huge presence next week.

Our special guests are ‘The Tenors’ who seem to be a bargain basement G4 and I can’t be bothered with that, even if there are poppies behind it to tell me it’s supposed to be serious. Aljaž and Janette come on to do a floaty thing mostly involving Aljaž lifting and spinning Janette and by ‘eck these singers are worse than the Strictly band, so as soon as the dances finish, I fastforward the shit out of that noise. [God, they were dreadful. And they weren't even fit. I mean, what is the bloody point? - Steve]

With our bottom two couples now, and Dave and Karen are sad but resigned to be in the bottom two and go off to get ready whilst Mark says it’s not very nice to be in the dance-off and going against Dave but it was a difficult dance for him and he’s not surprised to be in the dance-off.

Dave and Karen’s dance is pretty much exactly the same as the first time, as is Mark and Iveta’s, although this time they don’t fluff the end pose and he gives it good ‘I’m trying my best’ face. Craig saves the better mover so keeps Mark and Iveta. Darcey says both performances were better but she saves Mark and Iveta. Bruno says they have both given a lot of entertainment but Mark and Iveta have engaged him the most, so Dave and Karen are going and Mark and Iveta get to go to BLACKPOOL. Len says he disagrees with the others as Mark had a lot of mistakes and he would have saved Dave. Iveta gives Len an epic bitch-face not seen since the days of Aliona vs Len and they go off. [I love that this came on the heels of Len's CRAIG YOU'RE SO MEAN BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE BAD THINGS AND I ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS rant. Oh Len. - Steve]

Dave says he’s had a lovely time and met some wonderful friends but everything is down to Karen. He says learning to dance is like learning to drive except being given a Ferrari on the first dance and he and his wife have made great friends with Karen and Kevin. Karen says she loves him and starts crying a bit. What an unlikely friendship, but it does seem genuine. We’re reminded about BLACKPOOL some more. Dave and Karen dance out to ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ and pull off a lift better than anything they’ve done so far. Kevin bounds on to hug Karen, followed by Mark and Iveta and the rest of the group. Next week, some sort of field trip, I think. Join Steve then!