Monday, 16 November 2015

The Vine Intervention

Week 8: Top 9 Results - 15 November 2015

Last night! All the rules of dance went out of the window as everyone performed variations on their allotted genre.  Georgia and Giovanni did pretty much the only ‘pure’ dance of the night… and it was a Charleston.  This show, I swear.  Anyway, they topped the leaderboard and Karen and Jeremy were, unsurprisingly, bottom.

Tonight!  Someone doesn’t get to go to BLACKPOOL!  I am assuming it will be Jamelia, but let’s see if that proves to be the case, shall we?

Cue credits!

Tonight’s opening pro dance is to a live performance from Years and Years.  If we could keep all guest performances to this segment I think we would all be happy. The storyline of the dance is that Gleb bothers Oti on her lunch break in the park by waving flowers at her and then she goes back to work as a secretary for Brendan who sexually harasses all his employees (Oti, Karen and Joanne). Then Karen gets assaulted as she walks home through the park as three manly brutes hoist her over their heads and flash her pants to the whole audience.  It’s nice to see this show offering searing social commentary through the medium of dance, isn’t it? #yesallwomen (It’s OK, though, Kevin eventually takes over the role of knicker flasher/flower botherer because Twoo luv wins).

Tess and Craig enter in blue again – Tess bright, Claud navy with a natty turquoise belt.  Tess says that last night Georgia and Giovanni got 39, three tens and a nine from Craig, which is as good as a ten.  Let’s not even start on that one lest we are here forever.

The judges prance on and then we have a recap of last night: BLACKPOOL BLACKPOOL BLACKPOOL; Pasha looking unfetching in a Steve Jobs tribute polo neck with a Geography teacher jacket [unfetching to you perhaps - Steve] ; some interesting Jay deramping, presumably to create some tension for these next few weeks; Jamelia meeting a bus.

First set of results, and safe are: Georgia and Giovanni; Katie and Anton; Peter and Janette.  The first couple in danger?  An entirely unsurprising Jamelia and Tristan. I am guessing Jeremy won’t be joining them there until BLACKPOOL at the earliest. I am guessing Anita or Kellie to join them?

Darcey says Jamelia knows what to do and she needs to work her hips like she works her upper body. Bruno says not to be discouraged, because being in the dance-off eighteen times means people want to see you again. Jamelia looks like someone dying to be put out of their misery, bless her. I think, even if Jeremy ends up down there with her, that they should let her go this week. It’s kind of getting cruel now.

In the Clauditorium, Georgia is very squeaky as you might expect, and Katie is excited about the American Smooth next week. Claudia asks Peter his ‘plans for the gang’ as he is apparently team leader.  He says they’re all going clubbing and Claudia is coming with them. Claudia makes it clear she won’t be hanging out with this group of funsponges thanks all the same.

If you thought the opening dance was it for special guests, you are wrong. Here’s Brandon Flowers whose latest image metamorphosis sees him wearing Rod Stewart’s cast-offs whilst looking a bit Springsteen. Oti and Aljaž come out and whirl around as he plods through his weird new single that sounds a bit Calypso-y, and given the last song by white people I can think of that used a Calypso sound was that UKIP thing Mike Read did moaning about sending them all back, the whole thing is just… odd.  Let’s just pretend The Killers quickly split up after Hot Fuss and nothing was ever heard of them again, shall we?

Len’s lens this week focuses on the Aida move in Katie and Anton’s rumba; Anita not bringing her feet together in the quickstep but managing a good jeté; Jamelia screwing up and Georgia gurning. A semi-useful edition this week, with thankfully no ‘judges mugging for the camera’ nonsense.

Next round of safety announcements, and safe are: Helen and Aljaž; Anita and Gleb (who look surprised – me too, I love them, but I thought this would be the time for their vote to crumble); Kellie and Kevin (Kellie goes crazy at this); Jay and Aliona. This means Jeremy and Karen are in the dance-off and the judges are faced with a decision: eliminate the worst dancer, or put the second-worst and least-loved out of her misery.


Jeremy tells Tess he’s pleased to have got this far and he’ll just try and dance.  Craig says he knows Jeremy takes it seriously and he sees him rehearsing a lot.  He advises him to try and cover the floor more this time.  Len says he needs to focus on enjoying himself because Jeremy epitomises the joy of dancing.

Claudia picks up on Kellie’s reaction and Kellie thanks everyone for keeping her safe.  Helen says she feels pressure with doing the Charleston next week because everyone’s done well this series.  Claudia says Anita has stories about Blackpool because her parents went on Honeymoon there.  Anita laughs that it was the 70s and says how they went on family holidays there. Jay gets this week’s ‘we don’t want someone to leave’ moment.

Is it time for a comedy BLACKPOOL VT yet?  Why, yes it is – this one centres on everyone putting an essential item in a big ba to take. Jeremy’s item is a donkey, because apparently that isn’t a thing you have at the seaside, but one you have to bring with you from London. [I just assumed it was the horse from his tango. - Steve]

Dance-off prep and Jamelia says she loves dancing with Tristan and they’ve danced more than everyone else (heh).  As they head to the dancefloor, Tristan almost falls down the stairs.  Tess says next week we want Jeremy to come down on a guitar and dance the paso to Bohemian Rhapsody in BLACKPOOL. I’m not sure ‘we’ do, but I’d take it over poor Jamelia being wrung out yet again.

Jamelia’s rhythm and performance are good, although her technique remains… less so – although it’s by no means a disaster.  Jeremy beams throughout his performance although it is beset by the same technical issues as the first run-through.  In some ways, this is where you could do with a double elimination because neither of them are going to improve, and they both at least looked like they were having fun.  Still, that is not how this works, so we go to the judges to see who is going to BLACKPOOL.  

Craig saves Jamelia and Tristan for taking all the notes on board; Darcey says both couples performed well but she is also saving Jamelia and Tristan; Bruno says they were both enjoyable but Jamelia and Tristan added cleanliness and precision.  She looks kind of resigned at that result.  Len says he agreed with this result.  The audience get to their feet and whoop for Jeremy and Karen and Jeremy says meeting Karen was his highlight and he feels they’ve been knocking out people better than them for weeks and he’s enjoyed the judges’ critiques, especially Craig calling him a stork hit by lightning.  Karen cries about how much she’s enjoyed his determination and says she’s going to sneak into Radio 2 to dance with him.

They dance out to ‘Bye Bye Baby’ and it takes an age for everyone to come on and join them.  Georgia says she’ll miss him because he’s the one that got them all laughing.  What, not Peter Andre?

Next week: BLACKPOOL BLACKPOOL BLACKPOOL.   Will Jamelia finally be put out of her misery, or are we in for a SHOCK BOOT? Join Steve then to find out!

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