Judgement Day

Week 11 results: Sunday 4 December 2016

We open with a pro-dance to ‘All That Jazz’ from Chicago, which, I’m sure we all recall, just involves sitting on a chair. It’s Katya’s turn to take the lead, although everyone, male and female, gets their inner sex beast on and it’s all very moody and sexy and entertaining. [Not to mention another chance for them to get that dark bob wig out. - Steve] And does, to be fair, involve a bit of chair sitting. Just… lots of other stuff as well.

Tess and Claudia enter, again, sans stairs. Daly Dresswatch: black vest with a black and white A-line knee-length skirt. What Winkleman’s wearing: a sparkly red dress. Ho Ho Ho! The judges jazz hands on. Well, the men do. Darcey just looks awkward as ever and points a bit.

Our obligatory recap of last night: Katya looking terrifying in green face paint and purple lips; Louise thinking one slip up could be curtains for someone; Hot Greg SINGING (he’s about on par with Anton and Brendan); Ore and Joanne’s lovely but forgettable foxtrot; Judge Rinder in eye-gouging red; Louise not dancing any actual quickstep; Danny dancing on tiptoes the whole time; Claudia shaking her thang. Claudia comes across the best from those clips but it remains to be seen if there are any subliminal messages in that.

Time for our first safety results – Claudia and AJ are called first – which I’m thinking puts Ore and Judge Rinder in danger? This suspicion is only compounded when Louise and Kevin are called second.  Ore and Joanne are in the dance-off, to no-one’s real surprise. To what extent it’s Joanne’s fault, and to what it’s the producers’, I’m not sure, but I think they’ve had their run hampered a bit by either poor music choices in some weeks or kerrazy koncepts in others (and occasionally both). Bruno says it was a good dance but the detail counts. And not being memory-holed by a bunch of high-concept, high-impact routines after you’ve been first on with a lovely-but-unexciting foxtrot. [It was odd that they left Danny and Judge Rinder as the two contestants waiting to hear their fates, because with the best will in the world, I don't think anyone was imagining THAT much of an upset. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium and it’s a vision of brown on the sofa. AJ, with super-unblended contour and highlight, is glad to get their first 10 and Claudia (F) says she’s going to be stroking AJ a lot in their rumba next week. Claudia (W) reminds us that sure, Louise only wanted to get to Halloween, of course she did (may I refer you to our comments on Louise from launch show at this point) and Louise says she hasn’t done the school run in ages. [I did enjoy the mental image this gave me of Jamie doing the school run in a bit of a fluster. - Steve] Claudia asks Kevin for advice to all the couples for two-dance week and he says to start both dances on Monday rather than waiting until Tuesday or Wednesday to do the second one.

Time for a special guest performance – this week from former Christmas contestant Elaine Paige, wearing a dress with the most ridiculous puffy sleeves, singing ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’ despite being several decades too old to play Eva Peron. She’s very, well, Elaine Paigey. Aljaž and Natalie do moody contemporumba in front of it, but sadly not for the whole performance, because I love me some OTT Natalie reaching. Then Elaine screeches the big notes and makes me wish Anton was still singing.

Len’s Lens features Oti and Danny’s exciting use of extra dancers and Louise NOT DOING ANY QUICKSTEP (I mean, I really like Louise and Kevin, but come on. JUSTICE FOR GREG'S RUMBA!!!). We then focus on Ore’s chaîné turns which Craig said were too flat-footed rather than on his toes… but the footage shows him mostly on his toes. It’s basically the reverse of all those times they use a clip of the dance going wrong or out of time to demonstrate something ‘quality’. Still, Craig demonstrates the move and it’s at least one bit of actual informative content for a change.  We then see Claudia F apparently being ‘a little Mel B’ (thanks Louis Walsh being channelled through Bruno) and nothing of Judge Rinder.

Time for the final judgement – and Judge Rinder and Oksana join Ore and Joanne in the dance-off, which will surely be the biggest foregone conclusion since… last week. Judge Rinder says whatever people think of his flat feet, he’ll have a party. Craig advises him to get on the balls of his feet and let his bottom work for Brazil and to go mad on the facial expressions. What a ‘journey’s end’ piece of advice, presumably rendering the dance-off a formality.

In the Clauditorium, Danny says he didn’t think he’d get a 10 for his tango because everyone’s tangos have been cursed this series and four out of seven couples have gone on the week they did a tango. And still the show maintains that the rumba is an alleged dance of death. [Literally nobody has gone home on a rumba since Sunetra Sarker, two years ago. - Steve] Also, I love that Danny’s a stats man, so unexpected. Oti says Danny’s arms will have to work hard next week when they have lifts as she’s ‘not light’. You’re too small for your outfits to fit Vicky Gill’s mannequins, Oti, give over. [Remember that time Gavin Henson told the entire country how much Katya Virshilas weighed? That was amazing. - Steve]

With the doomed couples, Ore says he’ll do the dance with composure and they’ll enjoy it. Jo says they need to keep calm in the rise and fall, but they’re in it together. Judge Rinder, Oksana and Claudia all in red with black and white trim really make Tess look like the lead singer of their unlikely quartet. Judge Rinder loves dance and is gearing up his leaving speech, which I assume will be about the magic of dance and his wonderful teacher. Possibly also grandparents.

Still, we first have to go through the formalities. Ore does seem to be more on his toes this time and it’s still a lovely routine that would have been better if it was a Viennese Waltz. Or done in a week that wasn’t so stuff-full of gimmicks that it disappeared in the mix (who’d have thought Joanne Clifton would be in the least gimmicky dance of the week?!). Judge Rinder’s dance is similar to before – not his most fun nor most technically proficient dance but a decent enough party dance to enable him to feel like he’ll be going out on a good note. I mean, if he goes, of course.

Craig saves Ore and Joanne for better technique; Darcey says both gave wonderful performances but on artistry and technique saves Ore and Joanne; Bruno thanks both couples for the entertainment but saves Ore and Joanne for better quality overall. Len agrees, meaning that nearly all the dance-offs have been 4-0 victories this series. Time for Judge Rinder’s predictable speech but joy permeates through the life force of every single person involved especially his extraordinary ‘teacher’. Oksana is a blubbing wreck, which I wasn’t expecting, not least as Judge Rinder himself is holding the tears in. Oksana thanks everyone for giving her a great first year, and she really is completely in bits. An enigma to the last. They dance out to ‘Defying Gravity’, although there’s not much dancing because the group bear hug starts a bit earlier this week.

Post-show post-mortem: Louise will miss Judge Rinder; Ore is emotionally exhausted; Claudia is excited; Danny thinks he’s come really far from week one where he was great, to now, where he’s also great. SUCH A JOURNEY!

Next week! Join Steve for two-dance week as we discover whether Ore or Claudia will join Danny and Louise in the final. Or a shock Danny/Louise dance-off, I guess.