Calman over

Week 10: Top 7 Results - 26 November 2017

Last night! Joe topped the leaderboard for the first time despite a quickstep that made my already painful teeth itch! The rigathon kept the couples in the exact same order they were before it started! Susan struggled with a bench and Gemma struggled with a sleepy samba that worked as well in practice as it sounds in concept! But what has all of that done to the results?

Before we find out, it's time for our weekly pro dance. And what a gaymazing/bonkers treat this is. Set to a mash-up of 'Fashion' and 'Vogue' it features Oti channelling Beyonce and owning everyone as a bad bitch supermodel, with Chloe and Anton her Michelle and Kelly and various other rejected pros their hangers on. The judges, and celebs 'n' pros-still-in-contention form a sunglasses-clad audience, all except Bruno who vamps on at the end. There's not much in the way of ballroom or latin, but it does give us Neil and Pasha looking like extras from Zoolander, pretty much all the pros supporting the most voluminous hair ever seen on this show that doesn't belong to AJ Pritchard, Oti stamping on Brendan and Karen and then Chloe kicking both of them out of the way so even she can have a go at the endless dogpiling of Brendan Cole that this series has become, Anton trolling Tess by wearing a bright pink cape, Darcey and Shirley tolling Anna Wintour and, IDK, other fashion people, by pulling the best bitch faces seen since that week Nadiya's mum was in the audience and it all adds up to the most blatant and literal trolling of those who claim this show's become all style over substance. Better than 'tributes to our war dead using comedy songs and travelators' at any rate.

Tess and Claudia enter, Tess in a bright blue strapless dress and Claudia in black, or possibly a very deep navy.  They both look fine if unshowy - but then after Oti in a huge wig, silver leotard and actual bum cape, there was little comparison.

Time for our recap of last night in which the following is noteworthy: Davood has a sister who is proud of him, but even better is Debbie's mum Babs McGee who saw her daughter do the filthiest of all the dances and calls it 'breathtaking' but appears not in the least shocked. I wonder what sights she's seen in her time and if she'd like to come on ITT to share them, we'd enjoy that very much. Although they might need a post-watershed special, I suspect. Alexandra and Gemma come in for a kicking; Susan, too, but tempered with praise, and everyone else is mostly treated well.

Time for our first set of results. Safe are: Mollie and AJ, to everyone's shock and Joe and Katya, and that's all for now. Wow, it's harsh when we have so few couples left, right?  The first pair in the bottom? Alexandra and Gorka, which is not necessarily that surprising and the reason I sent my votes her way. She seems pretty gutted although I'm guessing after Aston and Debbie, none of them are necessarily expecting to be safe. She tells Tess she's honoured to be there and she'll do her best.  Tess asks Shirley 'our queen of the rumba' what to do and Alexandra cries 'can she do it for me?' Heh. Shirley tells her to listen to the music. I think the music was half the problem with it, Shirl.

In the Clauditorium, Joe tells us he is 'living his best life' and Claudia says he's been the dark horse (if anyone is a dark horse at this stage it might be... Mollie?) and asks if he eats hay. Joe clarifies 'she sometimes gets on my back and whips me'. The implication seems to be Katya here, so Neil might want to be having words. Katya is excited that next week is her first musicals week. AJ and Mollie are ecstatic at their first 9s and Mollie is also excited about musicals as you would expect (and the show neatly sidesteps Joe's ringer past in musical theatre which they have kept very quiet about so far).

Time for our special guest performer, Kelly Clarkson, looking so much like my friend Sophie it was weirding me out. Also: can we get her on this show in a year or two?  She seems like she'd be fun (or has she done DWTS already?). [Nope, she's not been reduced to that yet, thankfully. - Steve] Now, I saw a screengrab in a preview for this on the BBC site that featured a barefoot Gorka and Janette and I was mentally steeling myself for sitting through another dreary ballad with contempowafting nonsense and so I apologise to all parties concerned, because this song has a lot of DRAMA, and the dance replicates that. Yes, it's contemporary, but choreographed really well to the music so that as the accents come, the dance hits some real peaks. And it's danced at a fair old pace, with Janette in particular flinging herself about like nobody's business. Actually, the random pro pairings they've been hitting up this series seem to be quite fun - Anton and Nadiya were unexpectedly sweet last week (if you muted the fucking racket behind them) and here Gorka and Janette work well together. I actually enjoyed rewatching that and the guest performances are usually my least favourite thing aside from the boring recap of Saturday night. And, unlike most guest performers who treat the pros as an annoying accompaniment at best, Kelly actually applauds them and looks genuinely impressed, which is sweet. [I interviewed Kelly once many years ago, and she was exactly like this then - made a point of saying hello and introducing herself to everyone in the room, even the ones who had nothing to do with the interview. Thoroughly lovely, she was. - Steve]

Time now for Dance Debrief and we revisit Joe and Katya being joined at the groin with their hands behind their back and Shirley calling this outstanding and impressive and being surprised he did that.  I'm sure it was technically difficult, but they both looked super-smug doing it so whatever. Also we get our weekly reminder that Davood is on a JOURNEY and Craig covers what he means by having a looser leg in the gancho and Claudia pipes up 'so it looks almost as if it's a surprise?' and the judges congratulate her for learning and Claudia punches the air and goes '14th year!' and I hurried to the internet to find out when It Takes Two started because it seems like a new innovation, and surely she can't have been doing it in the early days, only to find out it's been around since series two so that taught me. (I dipped in and out of s1-2 and didn't start watching the spin-off until... well until I started recapping it, bad viewer that I am). Also, Mollie has learned to do turns well done her and Shirley thinks the paso doblathon was like watching the best professionals in the world and one of the best things she's ever seen. And now we will never hear of it again.

And on to our remaining couples. Safe are Debbie and Giovanni and Gemma and Aljaž, meaning their vote must be pretty hefty. Davood and Nadiya are the couple who get to be almost in danger, but receive a stay of execution, as the public have obeyed the storylining and stopped voting hard enough for Susan and Kevin to keep them from danger. Susan says 'it's going to be a really hard dance-off and maybe if we work on our technique we can make up the points' and then Kevin hugs her and the audience aww and everyone laughs at the formality of going to the judges for advice as Susan laughs 'I've never seen a more uneven contest in my life!' I know the wheels had come off Scott Maslen by the time he danced against Widdy but that's still quite the burn on him, Suse. [Scott vs Widdy was just a standard bottom two though - there was no dance-off in series eight. - Steve]

Bruno says it could be the Federer vs Nadal of dance-offs and tells her to just do what she did before, but a bit better.  Susan says 'there's always a chance in life, Tess' and Darcey breaks down in hysterics.

With the saved couples, Claudia tells Aljaž he hasn't done well for ages and he's all, yeah but I won once, so who cares. She also tells Nadiya not to get used to having such good fortune. Wow, Claudia's a proper Debbie downer tonight, maybe she believed Kevin would never fail to make a final or something. She also repeats the rumour about (the actual) Kylie wanting to do some of Debbie and Giovanni's lifts and Giovanni says 'well, that came from something her make-up artist said, but I'd love to have a go on Kylie Minogue'. And in front of Debbeh and everything, the cad. Also, Davood has an Argentine Tango next week which Nadiya will no doubt tell us is difficult for men, and her presence is the only reason I kind of miss Len. Nadiya both trumpeting his pet cause and equally embodying his pet hates of illegal lifts and macking abaht would have made his head explode with the conundrum of it all.

Preview of next week, MUSICALS week, in which the celebrities all talk about wanting to get to the QUARTER-FINALS and not a single mention of the theme week making me think there were some last-minute shenanigans going on, because that was very weird indeed.

Alexandra earnestly says she's going to take on Shirley's critique, like it matters and Susan says she'll just go out and have fun and it won't be her last dance with Kevin because they'll keep going after the show. Alexandra and Gorka go first and the singing sounds a bit better this time even if the musical accompaniment is still meagre. You can see Alexandra forcing her legs to be straight in parts and she stumbles at one point which seems to be a case of overthinking, so not quite the fluidity of movement needed but she probably coped a bit better than Debbie did last week with the dance-off. Susan and Kevin reprise theirs and they do try and do the full thing rather than just going 'fuck it' and it's still very cute even if plagued by all the problems it had first time as well.

Obviously it's a clean sweep for Alexandra and Gorka, meaning Kevin Clifton has lost a dance-off for the first time in five years. In a series where everyone has trolled Brendan either by a pot stirrer or taking over his speech duties, these two choose the latter approach, with Susan thanking everyone, including Tess, Claudia and Zoe, who don't get thanks very often, so that was nice. She cries but not perhaps as badly as you might expect because she's obviously had a speech ready for a while. And Kevin gets to speechify for the first time ever, in which he thanks Karen for putting up with him being a dick when he's doing the show (and no doubt rubbing in that he's always gone far and had mostly ringers when she... hasn't), Susan for being great and the show itself for being a beacon of hope in a world of shit. And then they cry and Tess cries and I cry a bit I'm sorry, I know she could be a bit annoying but I also thought they were quite sweet and I genuinely enjoyed several of their dances. Then 'Last Dance' plays and they have to keep doing a 'last move' for AGES (a Morecambe and Wise, a half-lift, a hug, a party dance - everything they can throw at it) before anyone else comes to rescue them.

Post-mortem time involves everyone being happy about the QUARTER FINALS and only Aljaž giving a fuck about musicals week. Also Giovanni makes a claw motion so guessing Cats is going to be their inspiration, which doesn't sound like the Hollywood musical American Smooth extravaganza I want, but also might mean more vaguely-veiled S&M references so I'm torn... Steve will be taking us through it all next week.

Joe's night (and the Seven Pasos)

Week 10: Top 7 Perform - 25 November 2017

Last week! The annual BLACKPOOL adventure gave us one great dance (Alexandra), one good dance (Gemma) and one supremely entertaining hot mess (Joe), with several degrees of ‘Aston and Ruth died for this?’ (everyone else). The latest entry in Debbie’s unfortunate run of party Latin saw her face Jonnie in the dance-off, where he was finally dispatched at the traditional SPORTSMAN ejection point. Tonight! It’s Blackpool hangover week and I have a fucking raging toothache meaning I’m going to have to try and use my arms as the lesser of two agonies, and it’s red wedding time - so I am in no mood for any of this show’s usual bullshit. Just give me a string of lovely entertaining dances and perhaps one or two hilarious crashes in the paso-flavoured rigathon and we’ll be sweet.  Either that or hope that the mountain of painkillers and the mulled wine (it’s medicinal! Cloves are good for toothache!) put me in enough of a fug that I’m too zonked to get tetchy.

Cue credits!  Looking at the dearly departed reminds me that the dance-offs have so rarely involved people even trying to save themselves this year.

Tess and Claudia enter on the arms of Brendan and Anton. Classic. Daly Dresswatch: bright fuschia with sleeves that make it look like she’s wearing a cape which I will forgive as I assume it’s a nod to the paso-doblathon… and then Tess actually notes she’s wearing a cape which is some unusual self awareness well done. What Winkleman’s Wearing: a blue-black sparkly cocktail dress, the likes of which you might wear to the office Christmas party. It’s fine but hardly in keeping with the theme.

Our judges enter, for some reason doing half-arsed sub-Latin ‘maraca shake’ arms that, SPOILER ALERT, still look better than what’s coming in Gemma’s samba tonight. Of note: Darcey is wearing a racy skirt with a paso style wing at one side and a short skirt cut just below her hip on the other. Then the couples: Davood and Nadiya in some lovely classic Fred’n’Ginge outfits; Mollie and AJ both wearing yellow so that’s them in the dance-off if we believe in such portents; Gemma and Aljaž in bright red (ditto); Debbie and Giovanni in black; Joe and Katya in braces and flat caps dear god; Susan and Kevin in blue (he in a sailor’s jacket) and Alexandra and Gorka in chevrons (her) and black (him).  For those keeping score of dancing along: Debbie and Gio, Aljaž, Katya and Susan are bothering and Nadiya is almost vaguely swaying.  Everyone else: must try harder.

Joe and Katya are first up and Tess introduces them by telling us that they’ll be playing construction workers working on a New York skypscaper and that last week Joe showed us he had a head for heights. Except he literally doesn’t, as his VT and ITT interviews were all about how much he hates heights, way to show you care about this show’s storylines, Daly. Their VT training features Joe in a vest that’s too short for him, PE shorts and white ankle socks and never has he looked more like a primary school pupil running around the school gym. He also gets excited that they might get to go to New York but, no, he gets taken up the shard and you can see him actually shake a bit as he gets out of the lift. As a fellow height-phobe, I feel ya, Joe.

Their quickstep is to ‘Jumpin’ Jack’ and features a cool rendering of girders above NY projected onto the floor which looks great but would also terrify me were I dancing atop it. It looked terrible in the training footage on ITT, but it’s definitely improved since then. It’s well paced and on the spot, the kicks are nice, although in hold, Joe’s knees look like he’s trying to play keepy-uppy. But then it gets into lots of goofy Charleston larks where they slide down each other’s backs and stuff, complete with a huge dollop of gurning, and I’m not here for that outside of the actual Charleston, and the whole thing just makes me think of Tom Chambers, which: no thanks. [Yeah, the bits of quickstep I quite liked, but there was a lot of faffing in there that I really didn't care for, which is becoming a bit of a hallmark of Katya's choreography at this point. - Steve] Still, now that Athena posters are officially an inspiration, I look forward to dances based on ‘topless man with baby’ and ‘tennis girl’ soon.  After all, we’ve already had Anne Geddes-style animal babies:

Katya gives an ear-piercing scream as the audience go nuts. I know it’s nice when we get a quickstep in what’s seemed like a series of endless terrible foxtrots and party Latin, but come now, it was a solid 8/10 at best.

We welcome the singers: Hayley, Lance, Andrea, Tommy. Yet another classic combination. Also Dave Arch and the orchestra, you know the drill.

Tess asks Shirley if Joe’s becoming an all-rounder and she says she’s not sure about an all-rounder (because his tango and cha cha burn long into the memory) but he’s definitely on his way to next week. She praises the mixture of basic, intermediate and advanced technique and the mixture of chasses. She says the most impressive part was when he put his hands behind his back as that’s ‘a well known technique in my industry’. Bruno praises it for being light and accurate and highlighting the rhythmical subtleties in the music. Yes, the word ‘subtleties’ exists in the vocabulary of Bruno Tonioli I am shook. Craig says he thought Joe was holding a bit too much tension in his top line and the actual state of the audience tonight giving an enormous boo for that teeny tiny bit of critique. Other than that, he thought it was light and bright and he loved the phrasing throughout the whole dance. Darcey calls it ‘wonderfully authentic’. Yep, he totally convinced me he’s going to build a skyscraper, Darce. Katya screams some more because she seems to want to squander the good will she’s been building up with me this series. [If anything, this series has made me like Katya less, and I don't really recall having any strong feelings about her one way or the other last year. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, Joe says Katya’s happy because it was so bad in training at the start of the week.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for an are-you-fucking-kidding-me 38. It was good, but I’m not even sure about those 9s, never mind 10s. I get that they need to ensure some men are kept around, but surely his vote can’t be so bad that he needs this much inflation? The terms and conditions are introduced with a Spanish guitar player, some (small) fans and Katya and Janette mugging for the camera.  Still less annoying than Peter Kay last week though.

Alexandra and Gorka now. Whilst it looks like Joe and Alexandra have the worst positions in the running order tonight, I’m not sure that’s actually true with the rigathon coming up later. Surely the couples who go on first have more time to recover and prepare than those who have to do two dances very close together. [And more time to get changed, at the very least. - Steve] Anyway, they’re doing the rumba, aka the dance of LURVE and we have Alexandra’s boyfriend Josh turning up to training, and he even gives her a good luck message, which is not in keeping with the embarrassed faces he usually pulls, but is kind of sweet I guess.

They’re dancing to ‘Halo’ and the singers flub the words from pretty much the off, and for some reason they’ve chosen one of the men to lead, with harmonies from one of the women (I think it might be Tommy and Andrea but hard to tell) and the arrangement is weird so it sounds like the voices are really out of harmony with each other, as well as lacking some much needed percussion and bass to give the dance some support. The result is that both the vocals and the dance feel over-exposed and thus a little lacking. It’s OK as a dance but it’s quite thin in terms of content and doesn’t have a great deal of fluidity in the motions. They don’t feel incredibly invested in it, either, something seems missing compared to the full-throttle of their best routines. It also feels really short although that might be because they only used a small amount of the dance floor. (I ran a comparison with some of the others and it came in about 10 seconds under the two quicksteps but a similar length to Susan’s American Smooth). [I actually really liked it and totally felt the chemistry between them, but apparently I was entirely alone in this? - Steve]

Bruno says it had drama in the facial performance, but needed more extension in the body, especially in the hips. Craig says she needed to extend further and have straighter legs and he didn’t feel there was much connection or chemistry in the performance but it was still a beautiful rumba. Darcey says she can see the hard work, but she didn’t see the connection with the music. Because there was a shitty arrangement that felt hollow and weird? Shirley said she had nice emotion but she lacked the straight leg she had in the cha cha and that she stepped on every beat of the movement but one beat should be a hold – which surely is more about the choreography than her performance? [Potentially yes, but it could also mean that she was putting in steps that weren't meant to be there at all. To be honest, it was quite hard to hear the 'one' beats in that arrangement anyway, so I'm not surprised if she messed that up. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, Alexandra says at least criticisms give her things to work on and improve.  Scores: 7, 8, 8, 9 for a total of 32, which isn’t necessarily an unfair score, but not sure it was 6 marks worse than Joe.

Gemma and Aljaž now.  They got their first 10s last week and Gemma is worried it’s too good to be true. Not least as they have a samba this week. To Billy Joel.  So they sack training off and go to Gemma’s boxing club for DED NORMAL women instead and Gemma kicks him a lot instead; way to get that training in for the paso-thon, you go girl.

They open asleep in bed (which, lest we forget, was basically the storyline to Ben and Kristina’s time both on and off the show) and… they probably should have stayed there.  There’s some ridiculously literal theming and choreo going on to match the opening lyrics of ‘The River of Dreams’ (‘In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep’) involving an actual part where Gemma falls asleep on his shoulder mid-way. I get the thinking behind the choice of song in that it has that bouncy samba rhythm albeit at a very slow pace, but this is the kind of theme you’d pass to a comedy contestant for some heartwarming LOLZ, not something for an apparent front runner. Not something Gemma can be held too responsible for, of course, but her technique isn’t particularly great anyway – she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much and there isn’t much commitment to anything other than opening her mouth so wide she makes Alexandra look subdued and occasionally staring right down the camera with an ‘I fucking hate this too, don’t worry’ grimace. [I thought the bits of samba were danced decently enough, but the theming was just such a mess that it barely even mattered how good she was. - Steve]

Craig says it was awkward and sluggish. Darcey says the whole ‘sleepy party’ theme was really strange. No kidding. She says her free arm had no direction and this wasn’t really her dance. Shirley says she quite liked the bedroom scene as she looked as snug as a bug in a rug and like she didn’t want to get up. And who can blame her?  She then says ‘let me try to explain what Craig meant by sluggish’ and if the internet did not erupt in an ‘OMG SHE JUST WOMANSPLAINED CRAIG SEE IT’S NOT JUST TEH MENZ YOU FEMINAZIS’ rage at that then 2017 will have reformed society more than I thought possible. (No, I’m not going to check Digital Spy/Twitter to see, I’m in enough pain as it is). Anyway, her non-standing leg should pass smoothly under the body for the next step otherwise it looks lumpy. Hooray for the continued presence of actual dance critique. Also she did a nice volta well done her. Bruno calls it the perfect samba for a (Blackpool) hangover and he knows just how that feels. He understands the interpretation of the dance was about trying new things but she still lost the rhythm in doing so. Aljaž tells Tess he’s never heard the phrase ‘snug as a bug in a rug’ and if I know 2017 Aljaž, it’s about to become his new favourite expression.

They bounce up to the Clauditorium with more energy than their samba had and Aljaž tells her she smashed it. Smashed the notion of samba into itty tiny pieces. Scores: 6, 6, 6, 7 for a total of 25. 

*Whispers to self* ‘Hang on in there. Just remember. Debbie McGee Argentine Tango.’

Claudia’s comedy corner: ‘Susan’s dance is set on a cruise, but where is she going?’ ‘Alaska’ ‘Never mind I’ll ask her myself’ repeat ad nauseum. I’m just amused by the fact that Susan’s dance has an actual backstory.

Mollie and AJ now. We’re promised that, fresh from Charleston-ing up Little Mix’s Wings, they’re about to bastardise Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’. Wow, Mollie really HATES her pop rivals, doesn’t she? Also Mollie’s nephew turns up in her VT as a late BABY WARZ entrant although this series has been a bit rubbish on that front all told, hasn’t it? Has there ever been a cast with so few tiny children between them? The best they’ve given us is a baby bump and an embarrassed adult daughter who changed her name. 

Godawful music aside (although thank GOD the singers don’t put on that awful faux-Elvis voice the singer of The Baseballs uses), this is not too bad. It’s not too great, either – her footwork is fairly basic and there’s little in the way of tricks but she sells it performance-wise, and there are no glaring errors, so not a bad job all round, and should net her some solid 7s and 8s? 

Darcey tells her to watch her energy levels at the end but otherwise thinks she acquitted herself well. Shirley says she agrees with Darcey that it lost steam ¾ of the way through, but as a positive, she had wings. That was last week, Shirl, keep up. Bruno says the fog has lifted and it was a bright, lively, clear quickstep. Craig says she was a little jolty in places and something happened at the end, but it wasn’t really anything (although whatever it was, Mollie says it was her fault) but overall she’s really improving.

In the Clauditorium, Mollie’s happy to be told she’s improving. Scores: 7, 7, 8, 9 (LOL Bruno) for a total of 31 and their first 9. Everyone in the Clauditorium shouts at them to kiss, the trolls.

Davood and Nadiya now and Tess says his Bond-themed dance last week would have impressed Daniel Craig (really? That bloke seems permanently grumpy to me) and this week he only needs to impress actual Craig. I kind of feel there’s a missed opportunity for a Craig David themed dance somewhere.

Their VT is Nadiya trying to convince us that waltz is SO HARD FOR THE MEN. Tone it down, Nad, even John Sergeant did a passable one.

They both look pretty – Nadiya in a white ballgown and he in tails, but it’s being danced to ‘With You I’m Born Again’ which is the fifth time it’s been used for a waltz on this show, and the last time was only in series 13 so that immediately prejudices me against it, sorry guys. (The music really sucks tonight, doesn’t it?). What to say about this? It’s a standard nice bloke waltz in that it’s both nice for a bloke waltz and a nice bloke doing the waltz. Boring as fuck for week 10, but still preferable to what they did last week.

Tess asks Shirley if he’s delivered again and Shirley says she believes he has and he looks lovely in a suit. She especially loved the way he brought his feet together. Bruno calls it stylish, simple and effective. Craig says it needed a little more swing and sway but it had elegance, grace, taste and simplicity. Darcey calls it effortless and loved the travelling and the sense of romance.

In the Clauditorium, Davood confirms his lucky socks are back on. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35, giving a good chance of him either not hitting the dance-off or being saved if he does.

Claudia tells us to check out the Strictly website where this week we can learn Gorka’s tips on horse whispering. I’m assuming that’s a reference to some kind of in-joke that I just don’t get? [It's a running gag they've been doing all series about 'bonus content' you can find on the website, all of which is bizarre and none of which actually exists. Er, not that I checked. - Steve]

Debbie and Giovanni now and I have been longing for their Argentine Tango for the longest time (and they better be here for musicals week next week in which they also better be finally getting that American Smooth happening. I mean, I’m up for their jive as well, but good God all the Latin all the time, save it for two-dance week when they’ll have to do either the foxtrot or waltz). In training, Debbie seems quite deflated after their dance-off last week and says she’s really tired and feeling her age. But they go and see Vincent dance and he gives her her mojo back, huzzah, wouldn’t this dance be even better if it was 'Vincent and Gio fight for Debbie’s love(/sex)', yes it would.

They’re dancing to ‘Por Una Cabeza’ (third time it’s been used on the show – and it’s funny how, of all the dances, Argentine Tango seems to get the most reverential PURITY OF DAHNCE treatment in terms of music, costume and lighting. I'd wonder if there were some special rules about how they’re allowed to use it if I hadn't seen Jake and Janette's Greek tragedy). It is, as you might expect, full of leg action and sensuality even if a teeny tiny bit less filthy and dramatic than I was hoping it would be. I don’t see them being in the dance-off again on that, though.

Tess opens the critique by calling it flexible, sharp and a great comeback. As annoying presenter critiques go, there have been worse, but still, stop it. Bruno says she used the dancefloor like a canvas with her legs as the paintbrush in the hands of a great artist. Craig says she truly amazes him and he wishes he could dance like her but he has one small note (BOOO etc) and if she does it again, which he hopes she does one day (I will take that to mean in the final, rather than the dance-off, Craig?) she needs to have a slightly looser leg in the gancho. Darcey praises the articulation and lines in her leg, whilst in the audience, Gloria Hunniford looks on and smiles. Not quite the A-list of last week’s audience, though, sorry Glo. Shirley finds it emotional ‘as a 57 year old woman’ who prides herself on balance as she thinks Debbie’s balance is outstanding. 

In the Clauditorium, Debbie reveals she hurt her back in the week but pushed herself to do it right.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38 and more exhortations to kiss.  They don’t, spoilsports.

Claudia previews the pasodoblathon as ‘the Black Friday sales, set to Spanish music’. So, a lot of hype for a tiny bit of difference to the end price/score, then.

Final couple of the night and either in the pimp slot or the worst slot of the night depending on your interpretation of these things, it’s Susan and Kevin.  They’re on American Smooth and are doing a foxtrot-based one which seems unfortunate given their previous foxtrot, but I guess this is the time when the show will want to dispatch of the also-rans. They go to a boat called the Waverly and it’s no The Lovely Debbie McGee, however many Titanic tributes they try to get in.

They’re dancing to ‘Beyond The Sea’ with some benches right down the middle to evoke the feeling of a cruise ship/hinder the dancing (delete as per your preference). Tonally it’s very sweet and the bits in hold are quite nice, with one very lovely lift indeed (and another one that they biff a bit). But they are out of hold with the bench between them for a lot of the dance, and there’s a bit where they do the Morecambe and Wise pose again which is very much a case of never revisit your best bits as you might make them worse (OMG Aliona and Jay were RIGHT). Whilst Kevin can dance his way along a varnished bench assuredly, Susan approaches it with much more trepidation. He really hasn’t learned his lesson about putting his partners on wooden surfaces after Kellie’s paso, has he? It ends with him sticking his hand up her vagina in their final lift in an attempt to bring some Debbie McGee magic but it has the unfortunate effect of her looking like a puppet. The problems with this are basically the same as last week – they spend too long out of hold and there’s too much of Kevin doing things because he thinks they look cool rather than choreographing to what she can do – the opposite of their better dances, really. Susan always seems much more relaxed in hold than out of it and whilst the celebrities do have to show range across their dances, he could be doing more to support her here. Nice storytelling though - even if they weren't giving me Alaska (either the state or the drag queen) vibes at any point.

Craig says there was gapping – half a dancefloor’s worth, I’d say and awkward use of the benches, but it was quite sweet. Darcey says it was charming and quite subtle although she could have created longer and more sweeping lines. Have you seen Susan’s arms, Darce? Not sure it’s possible. Shirley praises the emotion and entertainment but drops in the obligatory ‘but it’s coming to that point in the competition now’ phrase they use to tell the audience to quit voting for the duffers now. Bruno reiterates that her technique needs work even though she has the entertainment factor.

In the Clauditorium, they get begged to kiss as well, and Susan joins in, but then Kevin does kiss her and she recoils at the boy cooties. Scores: 4, 6, 5, 6 for a clear signal to the audience to stop voting for them total of 21. That felt a bit undermarked, but maybe their vote is so high they need to really deramp them. Kevin says they’ll win the paso doblathon and all will be fine, except even if they won it, the best they could do would be to beat Gemma, so probably not.

We get a pre-rigathon leaderboard:

1=. Joe and Katya - 38

1=. Debbie and Giovanni - 38

3. Davood and Nadiya - 35

4. Alexandra and Gorka - 32

5. Mollie and AJ - 31

6. Gemma and Aljaž - 25

7. Susan and Kevin - 21

Claudia tells us the leaderboard could be turned upside down after the paso-thon – except it can’t, because however you slice it, Susan and Gemma would still end up the bottom two, with Mollie and Gemma possibly tying for second bottom if Gemma got 7 and Mollie 1. So all it will really do is break the tie at the top and possibly do a little shuffling of the middle of the pack.

Shirley explains the paso doblathon with some assistance from Neil and Amy and Oti and Anton (poor Chloe). Lifts = automatic disqualification, Nadiya. Couples should go anti-clockwise and not crash into each other. Capes are optional, and strong paso technique will be important, funnily enough.

They’re dancing to ‘Espana Carn’ (6th time out, making it officially more overdone than ‘With You I’m Bored Again’ yet somehow less annoying). As is usual with these things, you can’t see what’s going on that much but at least they’re all in outfits with (mostly) different coloured accents which helps – Alexandra and Gorka in red; Susan and Kevin pink; Mollie and AJ also red for some reason (why no green?); Davood and Nadiya yellow; Joe and Katya navy; Debbie and Giovanni silver and Gemma and Aljaž purple.  It’s quite fun to watch, even if it’s hard to keep track at times. Susan and Kevin just play it for laughs as they know they’ll be dead last whatever they do. Otherwise, Mollie looks a bit awkward and out of breath; Davood very posed; Gemma’s arms are a bit sloppy; Joe gives massively OTT face; Debbie looks like she misses the tambourine as much as we do and Alexandra looks aggressive.  So, as you might expect, really.  Hard to call when you see so little of each couple but I don’t think it’s going to shake up the scoring much on this evidence.  Nobody even pushes anyone else over, worraswizz.

They place the couples as following:

Susan and Kevin 1

Mollie and AJ 2

Gemma and Aljaž 3

Davood and Nadiya 4

Debbie and Giovanni 5

Joe and Katya 6

Alexandra and Gorka 7

So… basically pretty much what you’d expect except maybe Joe and Debbie would be the other way round, which means this is what the leaderboard now looks like:

1. Joe and Katya 38+6 = 44

2. Debbie and Giovanni 38+5 = 43

3=. Davood and Nadiya 35+4 = 39

3=. Alexandra and Gorka 32+7 = 39

5. Mollie and AJ 31+2 = 33

6. Gemma and Aljaž 25+3 = 28

7. Susan and Kevin 21+1 = 22

So that leaderboard is turned so upside down that it is in THE EXACT SAME ORDER as it was before the pasothon.  All it’s done is break the Joe/Debbie tie at the top and created a Davood/Alexandra one in 3rd place, well done all.

This leaves us going into tomorrow with a strong chance of a woman going home, and an outside chance of it being Davood. My guess is Joe and Debbie should be safe, and anyone else could be in the dance-off – with only Alexandra vs Davood being the one that would be hard to call – Alexandra’s the strongest overall, but Davood is a MAN and has a JOURNEY.  Mollie vs Gemma could also be interesting, with Mollie clearly better tonight but slightly weaker overall and if she hits a third dance-off, they may just cut her loose.  Or will the public have decided this week is when they stop voting for Susan?  Join me tomorrow to see how it all plays out!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Dianne has never been to Blackpool before.
- Kevin thinks that he and Anton are the only male pros with hairs on their chest. Not during the off-season, hon.
- Jonnie's goal was to get to week six initially, but Oti forced him to upgrade it to week nine.
- One of Jonnie's backing dancers for the tango was Oti's husband Marius.
- It was Oti and Marius's wedding anniversary last week.
- A 'source close to Jonnie' said he was scared of the week 9 curse of the SPORTSMAN but Jonnie says reading that was the first he'd actually heard of it.
- Jonnie's bum now has its own Twitter account. That's right: there is a literal arse on Twitter, and it still pumps out less shit than James Jordan.
- Oti was very pleased with Jonnie's posture in the dance-off.
- Jonnie wants Aston to win. But failing that he'll settle for Davood.
- Jason Gilkison and his choreography team (feat. Chloe) use sweets to represent the dancers when they plan group routines.
- It takes 6 weeks to plan BLACKPOOL.
- Joe really is terrified of heights, he wasn't just putting that on for the VT.
- Joe has only just discovered that he's been chest-popping wrong for 20 years.
- Joe thinks being in hold is more 'free' because it's easier to mask mistakes.
- Vincent Simone hurt his back on tour.
- Vincent pronounces 'ovation' as 'ovulation' and hips as 'eeps'.
- Vincent thinks Gemma is the most improved so far.
- The paso has three stages: the challenge, the caping, and flamenco.
- Davood didn't realise how revealing his paso top was. His see-through mesh paso top.
- Debbie can kick and twirl an umbrella at the same time; Davood can't.  Way to reinforce the 'men can't multitask' stereotype there, Davood.
- 'Umbrella' is apparently quickstep music now.  And Billy Joel samba music.
- There was far too much Jason Gilkison on the show this week.
- Apparently Giovanni has been coaching Debbie on dance-off technique right from the beginning. Not entirely sure Sunday was good proof of that.
- Debbie and Giovanni both knew they were going to be in the dance-off. Again, not saying they're lying, just saying that it wasn't the vibe I got.
- Geri Halliwell has been in touch with Debbie to tell her that she's inspirational, and apparently Kylie has been asking to do "Debbie McGee lifts" on her new video.
- Debbie and Giovanni are doing yet another Latin routine this weekend which means they'll likely have two ballroom routines in two-dance week, well planned, show.  Still, this week IS their Argentine Tango, which: cannot wait.
- Debbie won't be allowed to pull a tambourine out of her vagina in the pasodoblathon. What a swizz.
- Susan and Kevin are doing a foxtrot-based American Smooth.  Because foxtrot went so well for them the last time they attempted it.
- Ian was apparently on a mega downer on Wednesday and basically laid into everyone's training footage.
- This year's pro challenge is to do as many charleston swivel steps as possible in 30 seconds.
- Mollie gave AJ his first curry.
- AJ scored 17 on the pro challenge after having three steps disqualified.
- AJ thinks Janette will win the pro challenge.  But it's Janette so she'll probably find a way of fucking it up.
- Janette thinks one of the best things about Jay's jive was that he kicked whilst turning.
- 11-year-old Chloe looks exactly the same as she does now.  11 year old AJ does too, except with MUCH less hair.
- AJ and Chloe did not do well in their first competition at Blackpool.
- Mollie's charleston lifts did not go so well in the dress rehearsal.
- AJ likes the quickstep because it's a dance you can smile in. Bless.
- Mollie wants to wave at the other couples during the pasodoblathon. Bless.
- For the pasodoblathon, the men will all have traditional paso jackets and capes, though they may not have all elected to use the capes.
- Debbie's Argentine tango dress has a lot of transparent mesh going on.
- Alexandra wears a deep V well.
- The waltz is yet another dance joining the DIFFICULT FOR MEN pantheon.
- Gorka didn't do much preparation for the pro challenge because he forgot it was happening. <3
- Gorka only got 14 charleston swivels after having two disqualified. He thinks Anton might win it.
- Asked who makes the best cup of tea, Aljaž, Janette and Pasha said Anton. Karen thinks Kevin, while Kevin, Chloe, Gorka, Giovanni and Katya said AJ.
- Asked who looks the worst in the morning, Gorka said "some of the girls with no make-up, it's too early" (Gorka, you cad!), Nadiya nominated Kevin (who nominated himself), Neil said pre-coffee Giovanni, Giovanni said Aljaž, Aljaž said Karen because KAREN LIKE FOOD and if she doesn't get food she's a terror (Karen confirmed this).
- This week's pro routine is fashion-themed and involves a lot of voguing.
- Alexandra is planning to keep the coin with her head on from their routine last week.  I can just imagine how her haters took that.
- Alexandra still can't roll her Rs.
- Gorka wants their rumba to 'put the tears in someone'.
- Alexandra and Gorka aren't planning to push anyone in the pasodoblathon, but they might give
them a gentle nudge.
- It was Zoe's birthday on Thursday.  Does anyone associated with this show NOT have a birthday in the last quarter of the year?
- '10 club' is apparently now so much a thing that it has its own logo.
- Gemma doesn't feel like she has enough hippage. She's quite surfboardy.
- Aljaž really can't sing.
- Gemma doesn't eat red meat, but would rather have a sausage roll than a samba roll.
- Joe and Katya's quickstep training footage looks a total shambles.
- Debbie and Gio have the legs and the passion, but not the ability to relax.
- Mollie is worried that she is too slow to quickstep.
- This week's Friday panel is Clare Balding, Russell Grant and Cherry Healey.
- Russell thinks if he was a woman, he'd be Susan. Can I be the one to tell him that Susan's already a much better dancer than he ever was?
- Clare Balding is yet another member of Susan's high profile celebrity women gang.
- Clare thinks Alexandra could be a high jumper.
- Davood has a beautiful 'head carriage'.
- Debbie's Argentine tango will have lots of extended legs.
- Alexandra designates Friday as her cleaning day.
- Aljaž had never done charleston before joining the show and rates his swivel 'a really strong 3'.
- Aljaž loves opera music, really wants a pet cat, and is named after the Aljaž Tower in Slovenia.
- Aljaž completed 18 charleston swivels in the pro challenge but had five disqualified, so he had an overall score of 13 and is currently bottom of the leaderboard.
- Nicky Byrne's dancing has not got any better since he did the show.
- AJ's brother is a pro on Dancing With The Stars in Ireland.
- DWTS Ireland have an Irish dancing week and a 'switch up' pairings week which both sound fucking horrific.
- Kevin had a quote from Strictly Ballroom written under the collar in the suit he got married in.
- Susan and Kevin practice a rumba to 'Freak Me' by Another Level in training for their own amusement.
- Stuart the Strictly warm-up guy has a variety of wacky suits, and something to fit every theme week.
- He wants to learn to dance but only Giovanni has offered to partner him and he wants ' one of the girls'.
- Russell Grant spent six weeks doing an Argentine tango in the West End with Vincent and Flavia.
- Joe and Katya did Russell's favourite charleston.
- Clare thinks Susan will win the pasothon, Russell and Cherry think it will be Davood.
- Clare thinks the person going home this week will be "whoever's second from bottom on the leaderboard" (lol Susan stan), Russell wouldn't say, and Cherry thinks it will be "one of the boys".
- During practice for the pasothon, Katya fell over when her heels got caught on Giovanni's shoes.

Jonnie B Gone

Week 9: Top 8 Results (Blackpool Week) - 19 November 2017

We open with the much-promised tribute to Northern Soul, which begins with a fantasy sequence set on the bus that all of the pros take to Blackpool (I can see lots of empty seats, such a terrible waste of licence payers' money), with the camera slowly moving down the aisle until we get to Anton on the back seat. Okay, first of all, I refuse to believe that Anton would get the back seat. Brendan mooning out the back window, sure. Aljaž and Janette canoodling, quite possibly. Chloe and AJ, firing spitwads at everyone? Absolutely. But Anton would be near the front, somewhere close to the driver where he could be sure to offer tips about the most efficient route. Or somewhere in the middle, near the toilet, he's not as young as he used to be. Anyway, fed up with these young whippersnappers and their choice of songs from the hit parade on the radio, Anton slips his headphones on and listens to something more to his taste. Oh wait, my mistake, he pops on a bit of Frank Wilson's 'Do I Love You', which transports him back in time to the early 70s. It also appears to have popped the mother of all hideous wigs onto Neil's head. Ruth Langsford would never have stood for this. Then we're inside the ballroom, with a mixture of professional and very enthusiastic amateur dancers and the music changes to John Newman's 'Love Me Again' and eventually the celebrities arrive. Susan has been placed at the front of their group, which is certainly a choice, although Joe flailing his arms about in the background like he's absolutely off his face on disco candy is the best bit. In case you're wondering who besides Neil got the short straw from the wig department: Brendan. Definitely Brendan. On the other hand, Chloe's wig (a blonde pixie cut) actually really suits her. It ends with Anton crowd-surfing, as all good imaginary nights do.

Tess and Claudia arrive: Tess is wearing a long-sleeved sequinned outfit that I actually rather like, and Claudia is wearing something from the Bet Lynch nightwear collection, which I am less keen on. We go through the usual rigmarole of the rules and bringing the judges back in - two at a time this time, perhaps to prevent further tardiness from Shirley. Tess teases music ahead from Michael Ball and Alfie Boe, and also Tears For Fears, and Claudia reminds us about that Dance Debrief. [And still using the frame by frame nonsense in that preview - Rad]

But first! Backstage footage, starting with a bizarre VT where Shirley is in a limo on her way to pick up the other judges, meeting Darcey at "the chippy" where she brings with her a portion of greasy fried potatoes that will surely make a dent in their security deposit, picking up Bruno in a pink "kiss me quick" cowboy hat, and finding Craig outside the studio where he admonishes them for being late because "we're about to go live". Considering Darcey's outfit and hair are very noticeably nothing like they were on Saturday, I would say this is a slight stretch of the actual timeline. Inside the ballroom, Susan says it feels like a school trip, Mollie thinks you can sense the adrenaline, Debbie thinks the room is beautiful, Joe can't believe he's there, Gemma is both FROM Lancashire and IN Lancashire right now, Alexandra just loves being here, Jonnie thinks everything is bigger and better, Davood thinks they're all creating wonderful memories. Greg tells everyone to get ready, and Debbie wishes Jonnie good luck (foreshadowing!). Post-dance reactions involve Davood saying he will never forget it, Graham Norton being agog at Joe's lifts, Debbie saying she knew she would have a great time, Mollie crying because she never thought she'd get this far, Susan having loved everything about her paso, Jonnie being happy to be at Blackpool having fun, Alexandra's boyfriend not knowing how she does it, Gemma being thrilled to have got two 10s and a standing ovation from Shirley for her birthday, and Lenny Henry thinking he needs a lie down now. And if he doesn't, Peter Kay certainly does.

Time to find out who is safely through to Blackpool Hangover week: Gemma and Aljaž, Susan and Kevin (who look very surprised) and Davood and Nadiya. Facing the dance-off? Debbie and Giovanni. There are howls of outrage from the audience, and Debbie appears to be swallowing a little bit of sick back down her throat. As with Astongate, we get some shocked reactions - with Alexandra and Mollie looking particularly horrified. Tess asks Debbie how she's feeling, and there's a moment's hesitation before Giovanni leaps in to speak on her behalf and say it's great that they get to do it again. Tess coos "awww, aw you wost fow wowds?" at Debbie in that sickening baby voice of hers - I've thought for a while that one of these days Tess is going to try that voice on someone who is really not in the mood for it and get a sock in the jaw for her trouble, and I can't help thinking it might have crossed Debbie's mind. Shirley says she's surprised to see her in the bottom two [I'm not. Duff dance draw, middle table scoring. Also I couldn't vote for her as I was in the theatre,  so that probably sealed her fate -Rad], but she needs to soften her knees and lower her heels a little bit this time around.

Claudia's with the three safe couples, and Davood goes on a lengthy Grampa Simpson-style monologue about forgetting his lucky socks this week and thinking it was curtains for him, but it turns out everything was fine. Nadiya says that Davood is an amazing student and a great friend, and she's going to do her best to get him to the final. Susan's foot tattoo story gets another airing, and she says that she knows people think she's the worst dancer left, but she's trying really hard every week. Kevin tells her she's a BEAUTIFUL DANCER. Gemma says that this has been an amazing week for her, and she wants to thank Aljaž for his wonderful choreography.

Next? Tears For Fears singing 'Everybody Wants To Rule The World'. Not entirely sure why, there isn't even any dancing to go with it. Still, it fills time, doesn't it?

After that, it's time for Dance Debrief, and Shirley shows us what she meant when she was complimenting Davood's twist turns, and she talks about the smaller details that Davood brings to it. A slo-mo replay of Alexandra's quickstep shows how the dancefloor is springing, and gives Darcey another chance to drool over her steady topline. Craig takes another look at Susan's paso and says she's using it more like she's in a can-can, and she needs to take the full length of the hemline and use it like a cape. Bruno wants to talk about Gemma, and how she moved smoothly in and out of the lifts, which shows she's really taken the judges' feedback on board. Claudia brings up the fact that next week is the show's inaugural pasodoblathon, wherein seven couples will be doing simultaneous pasos, and Shirley says it will be a big challenge for all of them. We close with a shot of one of the tech crew sliding along the floor on his stomach, clearing up the confetti. I'm sure he's thrilled to have that broadcast to the nation.

Who's joining Debbie in the dance-off? Over to Tess. Safely through to next week are: Alexandra and Gorka, Mollie and AJ(!) and Joe and Katya, leaving Jonnie and Oti in the dance-off for the second week in a row. The sportsman vote petered out at exactly the same time in the last two series, didn't it? Jonnie doesn't seem too upset, and says that he's already exceeded his expectations just by getting this far in the first place. Bruno says that it was a very interesting and creative dance, so Jonnie just needs to do the same again, but maybe tuck his bum under a little bit.

Back to the Clauditorium (honestly, I'm getting whiplash) where Mollie genuinely can't believe she's safe and going through to week 10. Alexandra has the rumba next week and is nervous about it, but vows to give it her best. Gorka says that every Saturday she impresses him more and more, and he couldn't be prouder. Joe is asked what he has planned for the pasothon, and he says he might just kneewalk all the way around because the judges liked that last time.

Another musical interlude, this time from Michael Ball and Alfie Boe singing 'New York, New York'. They have the professional dancers with them though, so this feels less of a waste of our time.  [It is still a fucking racket though. - Rad] It's nice to have some proper ballroom set pieces to go with the Sunday music - it's a particularly good showcase for Amy, who hasn't necessarily had the best opportunities to show herself off yet.

We cut from that to a scary close-up of Tess, so close that I'm pretty sure I can see her tonsils when she introduces this week's It Takes Two promo. Then we're back with Debbie and Giovanni and Jonnie and Oti, and Claudia asks Debbie if she's regained the power of speech yet. Debbie has, but it's a little bit clipped and defensive and a lot of talk about how she's FINE and it's all FINE and she's had FUN and she's going to have to go out there and have FUN all over again. Giovanni tells her to do what she did the first time around and just enjoy it. They head out to prepare, and Jonnie says he's going to try to hold a nice topline, keep his bum under, and just have fun. Oti tells him to just enjoy it, but also to stand up straight. Heh.

Debbie reprises her samba, and I don't mean any disrespect to Debbie in saying this, but she is dancing it rather like somebody who didn't anticipate being in the dance-off tonight and who kind of started mentally erasing the choreography once she'd finished it the first time around. She's professional enough to carry it off still, but it just looks a little rougher around the edges than it did before, and there are one or two parts where I'm not wholly convinced she remembers what's supposed to come next. She also takes one of the running promenades at such a lick that she almost goes right over, and probably would have done if Giovanni hadn't been holding her up. By the end of it she's back in the groove again, but unfortunately that rough section on the Amazon Echo podiums is still there and still awkward.

Jonnie and Oti tackle their tango again, and his is probably closer to an improvement on the original than Debbie's as he does seem to be trying very hard to keep his bum tucked in, but there are still a few moments where his frame sags in the heat of the moment. It's a tough one, this: if we're judging on these two dances alone, Debbie still has the edge in terms of raw talent, but Jonnie has done the better job of fixing his mistakes from earlier. You could make a case for either of them, really.

But what case are the judges going to make? Craig votes to save Debbie and Giovanni for technical cleanliness and outstanding performance skill. Darcey thinks both couples made such improvements (lol no), but she saves Debbie and Giovanni for a technically more competent performance. Bruno thinks they both gave great performances, but he saves the couple who are much stronger overall, which is Debbie and Giovanni. So Jonnie and Oti are out, and Shirley agrees that she would've voted to save Debbie too.

Jonnie says that he's massively honoured to have been the first disabled contestant on Strictly, and he's very grateful to the judges for judging him as an equal. He hopes that he's paved the way for other, better people than him to give the show a go. He also wants to thank Oti for pushing him so hard, and for her outstanding choreography. She has been great this year, it's true. I'm going to miss Oti. Oti says that this was a life-changing experience, and that Jonnie shows you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

Jonnie and Oti go off for their last dance, to 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling', and are waltzing confidently around the floor before the music even starts. Aww. Insta-reactions: Davood says Jonnie is the nicest guy and he's gutted that he's gone, Alexandra thinks Jonnie is an inspiration, Debbie is sad for Jonnie but glad that she survived, Gemma is very chuffed to have survived, Mollie and AJ are so open-mouthed in their glee at making it through another week that I think they might actually be Muppets, Susan can't believe she's made it to week 10, and Joe thinks that dancing at Blackpool will be an experience he will never forget. And even if he does, it'll be on YouTube.

Next week: join Rad for the inevitable Blackpool hangover, ameliorated by the pasodoblathon! I can't wait.

Nice to sea you, to sea you nice

Week 9: Top 8 Perform (Blackpool Week) - 18 November 2017

Now, not everybody watches Strictly Come Dancing with the same exacting eye for detail that Rad and I do, so it's possible you may have missed all of the subtle references so far to the fact that the show is coming to us live from the Tower Ballroom in Blackpool this week. If that is indeed the case, don't worry: tonight's programme eases us in gently with some lovely panoramas of the seafront and Susan breathlessly voice-overing that this is one of the most famous ballrooms in the world. If they're stuck for a segment on It Takes Two at any point, it'd be interesting to see how many other famous ballrooms the contestants could name. Not many, I'm guessing. Davood tells us that it's incredible, and Mollie says that she can feel the history in this room. Is it the history of Peter Andre's jive, serving as a warning to others about what happens when you can't be arsed to rehearse? The history of Ashley Taylor Dawson scoring 35 for the first time before getting permanently stuck on that score? The history of McFly storming the floor when Harry won and Bruce throwing the glitterball at them? Ahh, memories.

Where were we? Oh right, Blackpool first impressions: Debbie thinks it's beautiful, Jonnie thinks that dreams have been made (Jill Halfpenny) and shattered (Craig Kelly) here, Alexandra finds it a little bit terrifying, Gemma reckons her family will be so proud to see her dancing here (IN THE NORTH), and Joe thinks this is where he needs to prove that he deserves to be here. I mean, that's kind of true of every week, but okay sure. From there we segue into the obligatory BLACKPOOL MONTAGE of proud Blackpudlians welcoming us to their town, exhorting us to keep dancing, and throwing out more 10s than Bruno in a lapdancing club. It's nice to be back, isn't it?

Titles! Charlotte is officially the contestant who I'd forgotten was even on this series - how about you?

On the other side of the titles, we begin with some fake black-and-white footage of an Edwardian(?) couple played by Pasha and Dianne, set to J Cole's 'I'm Coming Home' which I'm pretty sure is not period-appropriate, as they frolic on the beach, eat chips out of a paper cone, sit on a merry-go-round and eventually make their way into the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. The slightly heavy make-up job they've done around Dianne's eyes, combined with the monochrome shading here, sort of implies that once they get in there she's going to strip him naked and bleed him out from the abdomen so that she can open a portal to summon the hellbeast Nyen'raghar from a parallel dimension, but thankfully once they gain entrance they just spin and spin until the colour bleeds in and we find ourselves back in the present day at the...Strictly circus? Complete with fire-dancers and a juggling unicyclist, and how nice of them to do a whole routine in tribute to Matt Baker's charleston. At this point the music transitions into an instrumental version of 'Applause' by Lady Gaga, and if you didn't start singing "APPLE SAUCE APPLE SAUCE APPLE SAUCE" at home then you're a better person than I. As detailed on It Takes Two during the week, the celebrities have been given their own roles to perform in this routine, although Joe's hyped "main role" is just that of the ringmaster who welcomes us to the show, rather than anything that involves some specific dancing. Then the music becomes 'Let Me Entertain You', and as for everyone else: Debbie gets a bit of role-reversal as the magician trapping Giovanni inside her magic box, Alexandra is a showgirl with giant feather-fans, Susan gets the obligatory "please sit in this cart and don't ruin our show with your feet" role, Davood is a vintage strongman, Mollie is a tightrope walker daintily falling into Brendan's arms (spoiler alert: yes this will be the most graceful thing Mollie does all night), Gemma is...a woman holding some pyrotechnics (I think they may have started to run out of circus archetypes at this point, and I'm guessing nobody wanted to be the bearded lady) [I thought it was Darcey at first and then got confused because I was sure there was a contestant missing,  and it took a good few moments to realise... which I guess also answers your question about forgotten members of the cast. Sorry Gemma! - Rad], and Jonnie is a sinister puppetmaster (/a man vaguely waving two cross-shaped bits of wood above some dancers). It's certainly a dramatic opening and one that fills the floor, but all Blackpool group routines must forever be measured against Ballroom Blitz and I'm afraid that one still has the edge, sorry.

Entering: Tess and Claudia. Tess is in canary yellow, Claudia in a moss-green carwash dress. In the audience: Graham Norton and Lenny Henry, but not together. Tess makes sure to thank Jason Gilkison by name for that opening number, and Claudia reminds us that Ruth left us last week after facing Jonnie in the dance-off. The judges do their walk-on, and I think Darcey steals the attention from everyone this week in a flower-print A-line dress that reaches the floor and an actual beehive hairdo. It's both bizarre and kind of cool, so well done Darcey and the ten cans of hairspray it took to achieve that. As for everyone else, Bruno slides on sideways and his opening gyrations are starting to skeeve me out a little bit, Craig does a spin, and Shirley spends so long vamping with the audience that she misses her cue for the final pose by a clear five seconds. Still, head judge's privilege to arrive when she feels like it, I guess?

Now all we need is the arrival of our Strictly stars, so here they are: Davood Bond and Nadiya, showgirl Mollie and AJ (who has reached peak volume with his hair this week, if you need to know who to blame should there be reports of a nationwide mousse shortage), Gemma and Aljaž in a veritable rainbow of colour, Debbie (who has come as that moment in the 'Look At Me' video when Geri Halliwell killed off Ginger Spice) and Giovanni, Joe and Katya in their best 90s clubbing gear, Susan and Kevin (as Scott and Fran from Strictly Ballroom), Jonnie and Oti (as Tron), and finally Alexandra and Gorka as two people so rich that they are literally wearing their money. Relatable!

Tess says that she hopes the couples are ready to deliver a performance worthy of this iconic space, which kind of sounds like a veiled threat, and then it's over to Mollie and AJ to open the competition. Mollie will be dancing a charleston this evening, and Mollie will be playing a bird of paradise. In her VT, Mollie recalls really enjoying her paso and thinking she'd done well, but then the judges started talking. She feared that their chances of making it to Blackpool were dead in the water, but then people miraculously started voting for her and spared her from a third consecutive dance-off. Mollie reports that everything needs to be bigger and better for Blackpool (to be honest, Mol, we'd just settle for "better") and the training footage indicates that their charleston is going to be approximately 95 per cent lifts - which, given Mollie's lack of finesse in the lifting department thus far, is grounds for concern. Mollie tells AJ that one of the joys of being at Blackpool is that she'll be able to go up north to see her family. Honestly, who would've predicted that Mollie King had northern roots, with those vowels? (Side note: I will never, ever tire of hearing Mollie say "up north". If it means each week of the competition from now on has to move further north until we end up broadcasting the final from the Faroe Islands, then so be it.) Mollie and AJ use this as an excuse to visit Mollie's nana in Hull, who isn't really mobile enough to make the journey to London (or indeed Blackpool, since Hull is about as close to Blackpool as London is to Bristol), let alone sit on one of those uncomfortable studio chairs once she gets there. So, despite it being very much on the other side of the country, Mollie and AJ take a little detour to bring the Strictly experience to Nana Mollie's living room. Nana Mollie describes this as a "surprise visit", even though there is a cameraperson inside Nana Mollie's hallway when she opens the door to her granddaughter, which one might think would be a bit of a tip-off. Nana Mollie shows AJ some pictures of young Mollie, who despite the presentation of this as an "embarrassing old photo" moment really doesn't look that different, and we're spared the hours of inquisition of AJ about his intentions towards Mollie that I'm absolutely sure happened. Nana Mollie asks what they're dancing this weekend, and when AJ tells her it's a charleston she replies "oh, that's hard." Ha! I love Nana Mollie. AJ and Mollie charleston in the living room for her, in a cut-down version designed not to shatter any tchotchkes, and Nana Mollie gives them a 10 and advises them to enjoy it, with a slight subtext of "WHILE IT LASTS".

Their routine is to 'Wings' by Little Mix, which seems like a slight trolling of Mollie considering they're the one contemporary UK girlband of The Saturdays who absolutely blew them out of the water sales-wise (and also a slight trolling of me, because I don't particularly care for Little Mix and this song is one of their worse efforts). As with the majority of Mollie's dances, it starts with a lot of energy and purpose that sort of trails off about 30 seconds in, though she shows some decent swivel at the beginning. It's also one hell of a liftathon, including one where Mollie wraps her thighs around AJ's neck and swings out in front of him (while he holds up her torso and tries to remember the safe word), where the dismount is a little clumsy, and then there are a couple of drags along the floor where Mollie just sort of goes limp, and then a big climatic moment where AJ bends over (steady) and Mollie leaps onto his back and he just chucks her around his torso and over his shoulders before planting her on the floor and then lifting her back onto his shoulder again. The dismount from this one is a little death-defying as AJ holds her by the knees and swings her face-first towards the floor before pulling her upright and placing her down again. You know what? Yes, there wasn't a lot of actual charleston in this. Yes, Mollie's still kind of floppy and indistinct in her extensions. But I'm going to give her a lot of credit for hurling herself gamely into those lifts, any number of which could have left her with a broken nose if she'd timed them wrong. It ends with an extended focus on AJ and the backing dancers so that Mollie can get into a harness and be lifted into the sky, which is my least favourite way of ending a dance, but there you go.

Tess congratulates Mollie on those amazing lifts, and Mollie says that AJ is very strong. After Tess thanks the singers - Hayley, Jamie, Andrea and Lance this week, if anyone's curious [The budget can stretch to a thousand extra dancers but not Tommy and new girl Tori? - Rad] - Shirley opens for the judges by saying that it was a great way to open the show, and that she liked the mix of slow sensual movements and some proper attack, as well as Mollie's execution of the lifts. Bruno says it was like a ride on The Big One. Well, he would know. He thought there was more confidence in this one, but there were moments where Mollie's concentration lapsed. Craig thought there was no turnout in Mollie's swivel, and she needs to decide whether to point or flex her foot, but the lifts were a triumph. Darcey finishes by saying that she thought there was precision in the swivel, and the lifts were very daring, but she did spot Mollie's shoulders creeping up again in one of the drag lifts. (Business idea - Drag Lifts, lifts where the operator is a drag queen.)

AJ carries Mollie to the Blackpool Clauditorium, where Mollie says it's a huge honour to open the show and the crowd are fantastic. Claudia reveals that Mollie and AJ went to watch some proper dancing at the Winter Gardens last night, and Mollie reaffirms that she has fallen in love with dancing. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 29 - Mollie's second-highest score, but only if you don't factor in an adjustment for No Bruno week when she got three eights. For a very special terms and conditions, the town crier (and honestly I think they missed a trick by not casting Ore as the town crier) strides in ringing his bell to introduce special guest announcer Peter Kay, who hijacks the entire thing to flog tickets for his tour in what I think is probably a breach of BBC guidelines. That's live TV for you.

Tess: "HAHAHA THANK YOU PETER KAY WE LOVE YOU right our next couple is Susan Calman and her partner Kevin Clifton." Heh. (Fun fact: as of tonight, Susan is the only contestant to have been on first, on last and in the death slot. Make of that what you will.) Their routine for tonight is about an underdog couple in a ballroom competition triumphing against all the odds and constantly talking about how this is the greatest moment of their lives and they've never been so happy. Sorry, I think the lines may have become slightly blurred there. Susan enjoyed last week's tango, and she says that Kevin in a tailsuit was how she imagined their wedding picture would be. I like Susan, but I firmly believe that tailcoats have no place at a wedding. They look weird. This week they have the paso doble, to the music from Strictly Ballroom. Kevin says that Susan needs to fill the giant floor at Blackpool with her presence, and takes her to a private screening of the movie to see what she needs to do. They practice in the screening room, and I think I'd take people doing a paso in the cinema any day over people checking their goddamn phones halfway through a film.

So, yes. I imagine this routine is a lot more meaningful if you have seen Strictly Ballroom and I have not, but from a layman's perspective Susan is giving it a really good go - she's clearly worked very hard on her shaping and her footwork and in crafting a haughty demeanour that doesn't come naturally to her, but her solo flamenco section is a bit half-hearted and she actually looks a bit...frightened? Plus she just seems a little bit out of breath after the halfway mark, which rather detracts from the intensity. For all the build-up this routine got as something that Kevin had spent the last five years pitching and planning for, the end result feels a bit "...is that it?" [It also felt very 'Susan was also present' which might explain why they didn't let him outshine one of his ringers - Rad]

In the audience: JK Rowling enjoyed it, but JK Rowling also endorsed the casting of Johnny Depp in the Fantastic Beasts franchise, so let's not set too much store by her taste. Bruno thought she was "somewhere between Penelope Cruz and Craig in panto", and he loved the intensity but she needs to be careful to keep everything big. Craig felt it needed "more of everything" - intent, purpose, shaping, skirting. He found it a bit too soft and wafty, but he loved the flamenco bit. Darcey says that the ballroom is big and daunting when you have to fill it, and she felt that there were points where Susan was trying to keep up with Kevin, but "like the boys were saying" she needs to work on the shaping although the flamenco was good. Shirley liked the mix of paso in there, but she feels the flamenco parts should be turned inward rather than outward. She would've liked to see Susan make the most of the skirt, but she thought she covered the floor well and had some nice styling in there.

They get a rhythmically-clapped welcome into the Clauditorium, and Susan says it was wonderful to help Kevin do his dream paso. Kevin says he's wanted to do that routine since he was eight, in a ballroom like this with Susan Calman. That seems...historically inaccurate. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 6, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Claudia congratulates Susan on her ability to be pleased with a 5.

Next we have Debbie and Giovanni, who will be doing some party latin. Eep. Last week's salsa was certainly attention-grabbing, despite a few mistakes. Debbie was particularly proud of being held aloft by her private parts, because that was a Strictly first. I'll take her word for it, I'm certainly not googling it. This week they're doing a samba to a Spice Girls medley - "all their songs were fun and happy!" says Debbie, who clearly doesn't remember 'Too Much' or 'Goodbye' - and after the obligatory magic moment to get her latin shoes on, Debbie and Giovanni practice the samba roll, which Debbie giggles is like a sausage roll because it's difficult to get through. Well, I guess she can kiss goodbye to a Greggs sponsorship once the show is over. She's also finding the bounce action quite challenging, but she's having fun.

So Debbie gets to lead her own bunch of Spice Girls (complete with Chloe as Sporty Spice <3) out to 'Wannabe', then she and Giovanni samba around a bunch of those Amazon Echo podiums. Musical point of order: the singer changes the middle eight to "we got Em in the place who likes it in the face", which isn't quite the original lyric and is perhaps a little bit racy for Saturday teatime [although changing the lyrics to reference Debbie and 'G' was cute - Rad] . Debbie's samba technique seems pretty decent although perhaps lacking a little on the bounce front. The medley then segues into 'Who Do You Think You Are' which is where Debbie tackles the samba rolls. They seem to be good, although for some reason the camera person has chosen to record the entire experience from the least flattering of angles. Debbie spends a bit of time on a podium dancing by herself and looking fairly uncomfortable, and I think perhaps Giovanni should have cut that bit, but otherwise this is a reasonably decent piece of party latin. My only concern is that two back-to-back party latin routines is rarely a good look on anyone, and Debbie is no exception. Still, I guess it's best to get it out of the way and hopefully leave yourself a clear run of more manageable routines in the run-up to the final. [I really wasn't keen but as you say, she's got all the party latin done now. Still gutted they didn't get American Smooth for this week - Rad]

Craig found it a little bit spiky and stiff and would've liked the shadow rolls to be smoother, but he loved the drop-splits and thought the timing was exceptional. Darcey, on the other hand, loved the shadow rolls and thought the travelling on the promenade rolls was great, but she was quite surprised to see the energy flagging a little at the end. Shirley compliments Debbie on her vertical line through her body, and she thought Debbie was outstanding in that shadow reverse roll. Bruno thanks her for bringing girl power and says that she's never danced better. Really? I can think of several occasions off the top of my head.

In the Clauditorium, Debbie says she really enjoyed it tonight, but she isn't entirely sure what she did. Claudia says that Geri sent her a message of support yesterday, but we don't get to hear what it actually was - possibly because it was vaguely incoherent. (Love you really Geri <3 <3 <3). Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 33. The scores are following a very rigid pattern tonight, aren't they? Giovanni makes Debbie do more samba rolls as Claudia reads out the voting numbers.

Jonnie and Oti are next, with a tango to 'Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)' by Eurhythmics, a song that a lifetime of watching The Simpsons has inevitably led me to shout "I AM WATCHING YOU THROUGH A CAMERA!" every time I hear it. Last week's foxtrot was a bit of a letdown and left Jonnie in the dance-off, but he's glad he survived to dance at Blackpool. This week they have the tango, and Oti says that it's a sharp, staccato routine with a lot of head movements, and I quote verbatim, "Jonnie's picking up quite a headache from the speed of his head."

*blinks*

Well, that's me done here. Good night, everybody!

Their dance has a futuristic theme involving robots and lights, so Oti suggests they go to the Blackpool Tower to turn on the lights. They argue about the colour that the lights should be, for some reason, and their tampering causes the lights to "break". This VT has a distinct air of "will this do?" about it.

Inevitably, the tango causes Jonnie a few posture problems - he's still sticking his bum out, although in the tight trousers he's wearing for this you're not going to hear me complaining. His frame is still a little bit loose and wobbly, but he looks more confident than he has done the past few week, and he's got some good staccato movement. There's one bit in the middle of the routine where the need to involve the backing dancers in a meaningful way clearly hinders the routine more than it helps. All in all, it's a decent effort but perhaps not the comeback he needed if he was going to galvanise the casual voters to chuck a few more points his way.

Darcey loved the focus and the determination throughout the routine, but she found his frame was a bit too high and his bottom was still sticking out and he was leaning on Oti a little too much, particularly at the end. Shirley says she's trying to think how she can help him with his posture, and he needs to think of the tailbone of his spine pointing downwards - his frame was improved, but the posture still needs work. Bruno found it very Tron-like, and there was a section where they were brilliantly in sync with the professions - but Jonnie has "irreversible bum syndrome", because he keeps sticking it out. Hey, he's just giving the people what I -- I mean, "they" want. Craig says he was leaning over Oti like the Tower of Pisa and that meant he didn't achieve the v-shaping. He didn't feel like Jonnie was leading the dance either, but he loved the routine overall.

Jonnie retreats to the Clauditorium, where he says that he really enjoyed it, but that he's known since the very beginning that tango posture was always going to be a problem for him. He was trying to pull his bum in, but apparently not enough. Claudia, temporarily possessed by the spirit of Aljaž, tells him that it was perfect. Jonnie's friend Martin and Jonnie's girlfriend are in the audience, and Martin was apparently the first person to push Jonnie in his wheelchair back in the day, and that bonded them for life. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Shirley looks genuinely apologetic for that six as well, in an "I'd like to have given you more points because I like you but I just can't justify it" sort of way.

After a preview of the four dances yet to come, it's time for Claudia's Comedy Interlude where she tries to help a seagull find its nest, only to return with it in her hair, claiming she doesn't know where it went. As ever, the gag is not terribly inspired but Claudia's commitment rescues it.

Gemma and Aljaž are next, and Gemma enjoyed her Viennese waltz last week, even the bit where her shoe fell off mid-fleckerl. Gemma points out that Cinderella lost a shoe but still got to go to the ball - except she lost the shoe when she was running away from the ball at midnight, hon. This week they have the American smooth foxtrot, and Gemma's finding it hard to push through her standing leg in heels. Aljaž has themed the routine around a Blackpool tram, so they go off on a private tram to get themselves in the mood. Gemma says that she loves Blackpool, as she used to come here a lot with her dad, who died when she was 17, so now each visit is slightly tinged with sadness. On the tram they see the illuminations, they see the tower, they see the pier, and then they round it all off by mowing down Alan Bradley and saving Rita.

So their American smooth is to 'Downtown', and apparently begins with Gemma either losing the key to her hotel or flat-out being turned away, because she's outside a B&B and looking mopey - but then Aljaž arrives to lift her spirits with the power of dance! After a couple of weeks of not quite nailing it, this is the comeback that Gemma was after - it's all very elegant and perfectly placed and she looks comfortable in the lifts for once. There's a little bit of gapping in the foxtrot sections, and if I'm being perfectly honest it's not the most thrilling routine, but I'm just really pleased to see her back on form. I still don't necessarily know if she can count on making the final, but if she can maintain this next week she might well be back in contention.

Shirley opens by telling Gemma that she must be a great student because she listens, listens, and listens some more. She was really following Aljaž's lead in this routine, and Shirley admits that she got quite emotional to see Gemma nailing the head and body position and bringing energy. Bruno says it had a weightless flow that was magic, and exquisite use of arms - and it's great to see someone applying the judges' feedback. However, I feel like his comment about how Gemma is getting better and better every week isn't necessarily borne out by the feedback or the scores from the last couple of weeks. Craig says she took her pivots on her toes and she's got too much energy in her fingers, but she hit great lines and she's really taking the feedback on board and improving. Darcey says that the tracking of her feet was great and she kept her body taut with beautiful finishes to her lines.

Gemma heads uptown to the Clauditorium with a squeal of delight, and tells Claudia that she feels at home back in Lancashire. Aljaž is all "yeah, both of us". Heh. Claudia tells us that Gemma's mum has tried to get Blackpool tickets to see the show lots of times, and now she's finally here watching her daughter. Awww. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38, inducting Gemma into the 10 Club and now leaving Jonnie, Mollie and Susan as the only outsiders. [God love them but I think it's unlikely any of them will join it. That said, the scoring this series has not always been predictable and some random 10s have made an appearance - Rad] Aljaž gets a little bit teary, bless him.

Davood and Nadiya are next, with their James Bond-themed paso. Oh good, a James Bond-themed routine, how entirely unprecedented. Naturally the two of them are pretty pleased with how their charleston went last week, and Davood never expected to get an "uh-may-zing" from Craig, nor did he expect to get 10s. Davood is very excited to be James Bond this week, and Nadiya is working him very hard in rehearsals to get the hang of the body shaping. The opening will involve him parachuting in like the Queen at the Olympics, so Nadiya takes him to an indoor skydiving centre to get a sense of it. Davood says it's just like the paso because if you make a wrong movement, you'll go spinning off all over the place. Is he doing this paso on ice or something? Nadiya says that Davood is really keeping it cool like James Bond, which is followed by a cut of Davood in the wind tunnel grinning like a labrador. Can't say I'm wholly convinced by his coolness right now, to be honest.

So Davood is wearing one of those see-through mesh shirts that you always see James Bond wearing (right?) and is clearly of the lead-with-your-chin school of paso performance. His body shape is pretty good (in every sense) and he does some nice walks, but I think the routine does slightly highlight Nadiya at Davood's expense, because there are quite a lot of sections where he's just a strong, stoic frame for her to pivot around. Also I think I'd maybe like a bit more intent in his arms. Credit where it's due though: he does do what looks like an excellent jeté-en-tournant to me, though. It has a similar problem to Mollie's paso from last week, in that it doesn't take advantage of a natural end in the choreography (a dramatic standing pose right after the aforementioned leap) and instead goes with a much weaker one: in this case, Nadiya collapsing to the floor and Davood just...walking off. Okay then.

Bruno declares it "mission accomplished" and says that he's earned his - wait for it - "licence to thrill". Do we have to do that joke every time there's a Bond-themed routine? Craig thought the hands were a bit splayed, but it was a powerful performance. Darcey found it strong and dramatic, but she also noticed the splayed fingers. Shirley really liked the twist turn.

Claudia compliments Davood on how far he's come since the beginning, in terms of both ability and confidence, and we get to see Davood's parents in the audience. Scores, once Shirley has finished having a little chat with Bruno: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Davood is very happy with that. Claudia teases the arrival of Joe's "giant eight-foot-wide clock". She takes great care to sound the 'l' in 'clock', as one would.

As we cut back to Tess, Shirley is still chatting away - to Darcey, this time. Shirley's total inability to recognise when she's on camera is one of my favourite things about her. Our penultimate couple of the night are Alexandra and Gorka, who will be bringing us a quickstep tonight. Alexandra thinks it was an honour to be asked to do the first Argentine tango of the series last week, and it was her favourite of all the dances that she's done. This week their quickstep will be on giant revolving coins (of course!) and she's finding the stamina required for the routine to be quite challenging. To get in the mood for the giant coins, Alexandra suggests they go to the arcade. Gorka replies "English people know how to have fun!", and I can't decide whether the sarcastic tone was a conscious choice or an unintended byproduct of his accent, but either way, I enjoyed it. Gorka subsequently fails to win anything on the penny-pushing machine, so I guess he won't be following Oti's lead and signing up for Tipping Point: Lucky Stars any time soon. (Also, not to constantly harp on his accent, but the way he puts the stress at the start of "pennies" in "I lost all my pennies" sounds well dirty, lolz.) He also fails to beat Alexandra at air hockey, and is there an ITV gameshow based around air hockey? It's probably only a matter of time.

Their quickstep is to 'The Gold Diggers' Song (We're In The Money)' from 42nd Street, which at least explains the giant coin theme. It's a beautifully put-together routine with lots of charleston accents to it, plenty of speed and floor coverage, and Alexandra makes it look absolutely effortless. It probably has more breaks of hold than would normally be tolerated until this year's weird puritan approach to the alleged rule book, but something tells me that the Blackpool-ness of it all might be enough to let them get away with it. Anyway: dance of the night, easily. I know people hate on the ringers, but in an unpredictable series, Alexandra's utter reliability warms me.

Alexandra giggles that she loved it, and Craig says that there was a little bit of gapping right at the end, but he's really starting to wonder if there's anything she can't do. Aside from correctly identifying the international use of phrases, possibly not. Darcey loved Gorka's choreography, and she loved the stillness in Alexandra's top line, which she thought was incredible considering the bounce of the floor. Shirley didn't see any gapping and thought Alexandra really kept up with the uptempo music. Bruno admired the style and the detail, and he couldn't see any effort in it - it looked like it could have come out of a classic Hollywood movie.

Alexandra is sobbing a little bit by the time she gets to the Clauditorium, and says that she promised herself she wouldn't cry, but she's overwhelmed to be here with all of these amazing people and she loves them all so much. Gorka pretends to cry in solidarity. Hee. Alexandra says she loves jumping aorund, so this was a perfect dance for her. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Alexandra sobs on Gorka a little bit.

Making his pimp slot debut tonight is Joe with his ravey salsa to 'Ride On Time' by Black Box. He was pleased to survive his rumba and get a 9 from Shirley into the bargain. He's very happy to be salsaing in Blackpool, but he's really feeling the pressure to make it big and brilliant. Katya says that it is a big number with a lot going on, and Joe is struggling to do the chest pops in rehearsals. Joe will be flying in on a clock this week (literally riding on time, you see) so Katya takes him on a ferris wheel to ensure he has the necessary head for heights.

So, yes, I've been really looking forward to this one, and I can honestly say it does not disappoint - in fact, it is exactly what I wanted in that it is utterly gaymazingly ridiculous from start to finish. It includes: Joe being rotated 360-degrees by the backing dancers, Joe turning Katya in a pot-stirrer with his foot in yet another of this series' many fuck-yous to Brendan Cole, Katya doing all sorts of lifts that surely would dislocate the hips of lesser women, Katya wrapping her ankles around Joe's neck and literally vaulting over his head, a proper 90s dance breakdown, Joe shaking his booty right at the camera, and as the big climactic moment, Katya wrapping herself around Joe's head in a donut-shape and then just dropping to the ground (not particularly neatly it has to be said, but good grief, that woman's bones must be made of rubber). I'm not sure how much of it counts as legitimate salsa, but on this occasion, I'm going to say: who cares, it was AMAZING. [As a salsa, it was a mess, but as entertainment,  good fun. I know Katya isn't your favourite but under the irritating personality she is bringing some interesting (if not always successful) choreo. And Ride on Time is from the 80s no matter what this show says - Rad]

Darcey loved the energy and the attitude, and she thinks there was incredibly difficult armography, but also one or two sticky moments. She thought the lifts were phenomenal, though. Shirley agrees with Darcey that Joe's energy was amazing, and he tended to use lateral hip swings rather than the figure of eight, and she thinks Joe managed to save even the stickier moments. Bruno thinks "it's all working quite well down there" and loved the party mood. Craig thought it lacked fluidity and hip rotation, and Joe lost balance at the end, but what a routine though.

They walk right in, walk walk walk right in to the Clauditorium (yes, I have been waiting a whole week to make that joke, shush) and Joe says it's a real privilege to be the one who closes the show. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 34.

Let's see that leaderboard then:

1. Alexandra & Gorka - 39
2. Gemma & Aljaž - 38
3. Davood & Nadiya - 35
4. Joe & Katya - 34
5. Debbie & Giovanni - 33
6. Mollie & AJ - 29
7. Jonnie & Oti - 26
8. Susan & Kevin - 25

The main takeaway here is that Debbie is much lower than usual and could be in danger: in theory having both Mollie and Jonnie beneath her should be a fairly comfortable buffer, but all it takes is for one of them to have a resurgence and for Susan's vote to be as robust as I suspect it is for Debbie to be in danger this week.

Anyway, Claudia welcomes the High Sheriff of Lancashire and Sir Lenny Henry in to open the phone lines and read the terms and conditions. Recap: one of the few moments where Mollie's feet were mostly on the floor, Susan's slightly exhausted paso, Debbie McGee not coming for free because she's a real laydee, Jonnie's bum popping out yet again, Gemma finally nailing that ballroom, Davood living out the obligatory James Bond fantasy, Alexandra being head and shoulders above everyone else, and Joe sassing his way through a rave.

Who's leaving this week? Join us later for the results, as well as performances from Michael Ball & Alfie Boe, and Tears For Fears...