Last night! A very mixed bag indeed, with Joe and Lauren massively tanking in comparison to everyone else and Faye killing the samba dead but still getting a Bruno 10 for it. Tonight! Let's see if AJ makes his third semi-final crash-out in a row and Giovanni his third final in a row! Or whether Faye vs Ashley battle of the megaringers will happen and mess the judges' brains up! (We'll also find out the fate of the two other couples but let's face it they're both safe).
We open with the promised couples' therapy pro-dance, to 'In My Blood', all moodily lit and costumed in red, and I assume its title is 'The absolute state of heterosexuality'. Graziano and Karen open, and I think their problem is that they're so poor and destitute that Graziano can't afford buttons to close his shirt in the cold winter months and neither of them can afford shoes in #maysbritain. Neil and Katya next and we all know what the problem is there, so moving on. Luba and Johannes are struggling with being super sexy focus-pulling titans of dance yet never getting partners, or even airtime on It Takes Two. Aljaž, meanwhile, is being sexually harrassed by Amy and Oti but all Janette can do is give him a hard time about it. Gorka and Anton are, presumably, a cosy same-sex couple having a perfectly happy life off-screen. Then Nadiya turns up and seduces Oti. And then Graziano. And then blood covers them all because, I dunno, filthy bisexuals infiltrating their world or something, but at least Graziano and Karen now have something covering them to protect them from the cold and it ends with them finally getting a good night's sleep. That was very... red. It was very red.
Claudia and Tess enter, Tess in a strapless black pant suit that would be OK were it not for yet more bosom fringing, whilst Claudia's in a plastic mac with bits of shredded tinsel. They thank the pros and choreographer Nathan Clarke. And if you need help with the issues depicted in tonight's pro dance, presumably a BBC helpline is available.
The judges enter - Craig in a jacket not a million miles away from the one Bruno wore 'last night', Darcey in bright pink, Bruno all black and Shirley in a sequinned purple frock that's pretty nice but makes her look ALLL bosom.
Interminable recap of last night, in which the following of note happens: Anton welcomes us, just to remind us he still exists, presumably; Faye planning on keeping the same eye makeup for both dances, where's her commitment?; before the show, Dianne thinks Joe's conquered two dances in the same week and Joe foreshadows 'err, I don't think quite conquered'; Faye's samba looks even worse in flashback; Ashley's mum Peggy is proud of her; Darcey's critique of Stacey's elbow is illustrated with actual footage; Craig can't wait to 'see' who is in the final. Don't you mean 'decide'?
And we're about to learn at least one couple who will be: Joe and Dianne. Stacey and Kevin will be joining them, whilst Ashley and Pasha are, yet again, feeling the joy of LEADERBOARD PLUNGE, but this time from the (joint) top. This means they're leaving Faye's nerves to fight it out with Lauren. Ashley looks sad but says she'll give her all and Tess reveals they'll be dancing their American Smooth. (Of the others, Stacey would have Charlestoned, Joe AT (Um, OK), Faye AT and Lauren Tango.) [Now I'm imagining Faye's AT versus Joe's AT in the dance-off, and lol. - Steve]
In the Clauditorium, The People's Champions (probably) are with Claudia and Joe says his uncle told him he couldn't even walk in a straight line, let alone dance. Dianne's having her first Strictly final. In her second year. Let's hope they don't make as much of this as they did with Katya last year. Joe's going to be a Rocky Fred Astaire in their showdance... but Dianne then clarifies she means rock'n'roll, and Claudia reminds Joe he has to dye his hair. Stacey thought she'd only be in the UK for a couple of months doing the show, and says Joe's her best pal in the contest. Wasn't he also Chucky's best mate? Kevin's showdance will involve a lot of complicated sets. Bet the crew just love that idea. Stacey says she's used to the idea that Kevin's always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Kevin says he may be 36 but don't cast him out yet, he's fallen more in love with dancing, he's not gonna Brendan himself, honest.
Time for the guest performance from Little Mix, doing 'Woman Like Me', which seems to have been around for ever, but OK. Perrie's wearing trousers and a blouse made of curtains, Jade a black dress, Jesy a basque and trousers, whilst Leigh-Anne's in a flasher mac, but I guess equal opportunities mean all roles should be available to women, so you go girl etc. It takes a while for the pros to appear, but eventually Katya, Luba, Janette and Nadiya turn up and flirt with the Lil'Mixes and same-sex dance all up in the place and if they don't just extend this into filming these pairings for next year's Children in Need special, they're missing a trick.
Dance Debrief / Frame by Frame covers Darcey calling the 'smack the pony' move 'slap the donkey' after Stacey's charleston and she styles it out by dancing it, suggesting slapping the donkey is just the opposite side to smacking the pony. Although she says 'slap the pony'. Someone had too many sherries in judges' holodeck (aww, I miss the days when Alesha did those and they had little bowls of pretzels and it was filmed in a cupboard). We discuss Shirley and Craig having different preferences in tango frame, with Shirley liking a flat back and Craig a 'V', whereas he wants an Argentine Tango to be an 'A'. Yeah, so would we all, but you give it to Joe, Lauren and a broken Kate so it's no wonder you're getting D-. We also cover why you shouldn't have rise and fall in a Viennese Waltz - because it makes you look like a kangaroo. And now I can't get the image of Joe as Roo from Winnie The Pooh out of my head, thanks Craig. It's followed by judges' best bits: the gay-off, Darcey getting hot flushes, Shirley liking Seann's hair. It's not been the most classic of years, has it?
Promotion for all the paratexts: It Takes Two, BBC Three, social media, podcast, hip flask, willy warmer, copy of the 2019 calendar, but with Seann, Vick and Danny's faces all scribbled out in black marker.
So will Ashley trounce Lauren in the dance-off, or will the judges be forced to play Sophie's choice with the ringers? It's the former, of course. Bruno advises her to do her best 'because everything is all yours to take' - the bus, the tube, the DLR, the Overground, take any of them home with London's integrated transport system! [Not from Elstree, she can't! - London Transport Expert Steve]
In the Clauditorium, Faye cries and thanks her nana, Rach and Rob, Benjamin and not her parents or husband. Giovanni says 'always when I do show dance' (calm down Kevin) he wants to show the personality of his partners, so he says 'clean and sophisticated... and Tragedy.'
We then get a retrospective - heading back to the heady days of the summer of 2018 when we were all much younger and more innocent, followed by lots of dancing, some of it pretty good.
As for the dance-off, Pasha's still adorable, Ashley's still smiling and showing her pants, Lauren's still OK but a bit awkward, AJ's still getting decent-but-not-brilliant young things and going out in the semi-finals. I mean, probably. (Please, please, can we give AJ an older woman next year? Maybe even a Komedy Kontestant? See also: Giovanni, Kevin)
They all save Ashley and Pasha (Craig for being clean, precise and dynamic; Darcey for a more finished performance and Bruno for being more accomplished).
So there we have our final four, and it's... pretty much as anyone would have predicted from early on in the run, what a series.
Everyone gives Lauren and AJ a standing ovation and Lauren says she's loved it, and it's so much more than anyone ever tells you it'll be. AJ says he couldn't have ever expected to make the semi-final (except... that's all he ever does) and trots out 'ability not disability' again, which is a bit awkward. Lauren says he's sometimes a bit hard on the outside but is squishy and marshmallowy inside and she's glad she got him as a partner. As it's the semi-final, they get a
In the post-mortem, Lauren says she's never acted before, Ashley's glad to survive dance-offs, and I don't get to hear what comes next because the iPlayer app on my TV has taken to autoplaying something random at the end of shows before the credits are even out. Still, I assume they're all happy to make the final.
So we're almost there! Just 12 more dances, plus the reunion car crash group dance, a pro dance or two, a guest performance or two and a whole ton of filler to go! Join Steve then to see if men named Joe really are more likely to win this show than women, if Stacey will finally kill Kevin's main storyline in this show (soon to also be Giovanni's), or if a female ringer can actually win this thing!
2 comments:
We've got the same final as last year. A Joe with his zany partner who is likely to win, the "last man standing". A ringer with reality TV experience, Ashley [this year's Alexandra], an older ringer with significant dance experience, Faye [Debbie, also with Giovanni], and the extra woman with a strong accent claiming never to have danced before August, Stacey [Gemma].
Yeah, we really do, don't we?!
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