Cha-cha-challenge Anneka

Week 1: 15 Couples Perform - 22 October 2019

It's the moment we've all been waiting for - the Ru-veal of the first proper trailer for RuPaul's Drag Race UK! Oh, and also the first live performance show of Strictly Come Dancing 2019. We open with a VT that captures Jeremy Vine on the radio talking about the rumours of who might be doing the show this year. Incredibly, he manages to do so without ever (a) mentioning that HE DID STRICTLY ONCE YOU KNOW, HE WAS A FAN FAVOURITE, PEOPLE LOVED ME, GOT ALL THE WAY TO... WELL, NOT TO BLACKPOOL BUT HA HA HA, GOSH THEY LOVED ME (b) asking the Queen to intervene and tell us who's doing it. And then they revealed names like Saffron Barker, Karim Zeroual and Will Bayley and we still wondered who was doing it, and I promise that will be the absolute last joke I will make about the C-list nature of a significant portion of this year's cast, honest. Anyway, the celebs were revealed, we had the launch show, it took over a week for it to be actually broadcast in which time one of this year's cast was eliminated on medical grounds, everyone went into training, they turned up for studio rehearsals and now they're all here, so we segue into a (presumably) live shot of the cast of 2019 doing an Ellen-at-the-Oscars group shot, taken by Catherine.

All-new for 2019 titles! And this is the order in which everyone appears and what they are doing: Emma Barton, twirling with Anton; Alex Scott, doing a kind of shimmy-shrug; Chris Ramsey, pulling Karen in an underarm turn; Kelvin Fletcher, making Oti the most envied woman in Britain as she gets to recline on his big arms; Karim Zeroual doing a not-any-sort-of-ringer-honest leap into the air; Anneka Rice running straight past the camera and being yanked back into shot by Kevin; Viscountess Emma Weymouth presenting Aljaž to the camera and continuing her run of getting all the best dresses; Mike Bushell leapfrogging Katya; Saffron Barker doing the side-to-side sway with AJ and her hair covering his face 95 per cent of the time; Dev Griffin and Dianne facing each other to do some Pulp Fiction dancing; David James literally just standing there while Nadiya rolls from one side of him to the other; Will Bayley wondering where Janette is until she appears from behind him and they do a fist-bump; Michelle Visage doing an underarm turn with Giovanni; James Cracknell having literally no idea what to do with his arms while he dips Luba (or more likely, I suspect, Luba dips herself); Catherine Tyldesley twirling into Johannes arms then high-fiving him and the two of them sassily snapping (yes, I don't think we need to worry about the Strictly curse here); and finally our poor unpartnered pros reminding us they're still here, as Graziano and Gorka step aside to let Nancy through. And I'm not saying the future looks bleak for Graziano but I genuinely couldn't remember his name for a good 10 seconds there.

So even though tonight's show is 140 minutes long and we have 15 couples to get through, we still of course have to open with some filler, so here are the pros getting primed for another series. They're all minding their own business: Kevin's eating beans on toast, Anton's getting measured for a suit, AJ's getting his hair done (of course) but they keep seeing glitterballs everywhere and suddenly their Super Secret Strictly Senses kick in. They're all inspired so deeply that they get dressed up in their finest sequins and dance on a bridge to 'Lola's Theme' by Shapeshifters. (Personally I think this should have been used for Kelvin's first dance - what could have been more appropriate than "I'm a different person?") Points of interest: it's windy up there, which gives us definitive proof that Kevin's hair is receding. This is pretty much all we're getting of Gorka, Graziano and Nancy tonight, by the way, so if any of them are your favourite, drink it in [Has anyone on the show even introduced Nancy yet? - Rad]. Also Nadiya's hair in this made me mistake her for Mollie King briefly, which was quite the synaptic misfire, let me tell you. It ends with Janette dangling from the ceiling on a glitterball, and then all the confetti is swept from the floor in an instant and we welcome Tess and Claudia for the first time this series, accompanied by Graziano and Gorka respectively. Poor Gorka, he really does look so deflated to have been benched. Tess is in a red playsuit that's ill-fitting in the crotch area, and Claudia's in an asymmetric off-one-shoulder black number. In the audience: Jamie Laing, doing his best to look at peace with how this turned out but still appearing quite gutted that the only dance he'll be doing all night is that one Denise Van Outen did in Chicago [In DVO news, she has just turned up in Neighbours with the weirdest British accent ever.  And to keep this comment Strictly related, she is mum to Jason Donovan's daughter's character whilst Richard Arnold has turned up as the leader of a cult she belongs to which is definitely not a pantomime Scientology - and is sadly not a reprisal of the Children of Barabbas for long-term lovers of Neibs plots.  Also we are so overdue another Neighbours legend taking part on this show let's rectify that for 2020 please producers thanks - Rad]

'Lola's Theme' is used again to introduce the judges, with Motsi getting the "...and introducing" slot at the end again, and then it's time to meet our Strictly stars: former England goalkeeper David James and his parter Nadiya Bychkova, from EastEnders Emma Barton and her partner Anton Du Beke, comedian Chris Ramsey and his partner Karen Hauer, model and chef Viscountess Emma Weymouth and her partner Aljaž Skorjanec, Radio 1 DJ Dev Griffin and his partner Dianne Buswell, social media star Saffron Barker and her partner AJ Pritchard, from BBC Breakfast Mike Bushell and his partner Katya Jones, TV personality Michelle Visage and her partner Giovanni Pernice, Paralympic gold medallist Will Bayley and his partner Janette Manrara, actress Catherine Tyldesley and her partner Johannes Radebe, Olympic rowing legend James Cracknell and his partner Luba Mushtuk (lol, imagine being the person whose agent insisted on them being credited as a legend), former Lioness and broadcaster Alex Scott and her partner Neil Jones, CBBC star Karim Zeroual and his partner Amy Dowden, TV and radio presenter Anneka Rice and her partner Kevin Clifton, and finally soap star Kelvin Fletcher and his partner Oti Mabuse. Phew!

Tess points out for those who might not have noticed yet that yes, Jamie Laing withdrew due to injury but he's here tonight in the audience to support his friends (/do obnoxious handshakes with Karim) and to have a chat later on. Oh good, a chat! Definitely what we needed more of in this six-hour premiere. Claudia introduces Kelvin as his replacement, and Tess reminds us that there's no public vote tonight but the judges will still be scoring - and those scores will carry over to next week's leaderboard. Kicking off the series (geddit) is Alex Scott. Alex tells us that she's been very fortunate because she's played in World Cups and at the Olympics, but she's never been more nervous than she is now. Neil says that he's been waiting four years for a partner on this show and NOW HE'S FINALLY GOT ONE. (Spare a thought for poor Chloe, who went three years without a partner and then was quietly let go without ever getting one. Justice for Chloe!) Question: given that the two big narratives on the launch show were Poor Neil Finally Getting A Partner and Poor Anton Finally Getting A Decent Partner (yes, I know, don't even get me started), do we think the bigger story this year will be The Year Of Neil or The Year Of Anton? I'm not going to do a poll (mostly because I don't know how) but feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section. Alex takes Neil to her old stomping ground of the Emirates Stadium and Alex says that their team DJ would put music on to help them chill before a match. Neil asks her what it was like winning the FA Cup, and Alex says she cried like a baby because she knew she was coming to the end of her career and she wouldn't get many of those moments any more, and honestly as someone who can always find the negative viewpoint in a moment of personal glory, hard relate. Neil breaks the news that they have the quickstep for their first dance, and Alex giggles. She says it's a new chapter in her life and she's going to enjoy it for however long it lasts.

They're dancing to 'I Get A Kick Out Of You', and I appreciate that that's as far as the football-theming goes in this number, Nadiya. [To be fair, I doubt Nadiya had much of a say in that song/costume choice - Rad] It's a good start: it's perhaps a bit too internalised on a performance level but there's a quiet confidence here and Alex keeps up with Neil's fairly challenging choreography very well. Her topline could do with being a little stronger as it seems to dip up and down quite a bit, but she's clearly enjoying herself and these two have already got lovely chemistry. (I heard a rumour that Alex specifically requested to be partnered with Neil, and if that's true, it was a good call on her part - especially as she might also pick up some extra underdog votes from everyone who felt sorry for him being on the sidelines for all that time.)

They end brandishing a large prop bottle of champagne, which Alex carries over to the judges' desk and hands to Bruno. Smart woman. Tess introduces the singers: Hayley, new boy Mitchel (from The Voice!), Andrea and Tommy, and of course Dave Arch And His Wonderful Orchestra. Shirley opens for the judges by saying that Alex brought snap, crackle and pop. She praises Neil's choreography and says how great it is to finally have him on the show. (Technically he's been on the show for ages, but I'm just being pedantic.) She says that Alex lost her footing a little bit but had a decent frame and needs to just work on her core a bit, but otherwise: a great start. Bruno thinks Alex could be a big scorer and has amazing potential and natural elegance. He spotted a couple of mistakes that she could have covered a little bit better, like when she was going up and down the stairs, and warns her to finish her lines and not throw away her free arm. Craig wanted cleaner footwork and thought it was all a bit haphazard, her left elbow was drooping, the timing was out on the stairs, but he loved her fantastic energy. Motsi says that she started out a bit shy, but Alex lightened up as the music went on - she looked very comfortable in hold with Neil but she just needs to work on her presentation a bit - if she puts on a show, she could be very dangerous. In a good way.

A very relieved looking Alex makes her way up to the Clauditorium, and Alex says she was a little bit nervous, especially since she only learnt how to say "chassé" the other day - and to prove it, she stumbles over the word there and then. Heh. Neil says that Alex was well worth his long wait for a partner. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 6 for a total of 21. At the time I was a bit torn between "bit harsh" and "sensible week one scores at last", and settled on the latter [me too... until I saw the escalating nonsense of some of the scores in the rest of this episode - Rad], but then I went back to look at the scores for the very first ever episode and half the cast (a cast of eight, admittedly) got 27 or over, so maybe my ideas of score-inflation over the years have become a little warped? Anyway, I thought she deserved more than that - somewhere in the mid-20s would have been much fairer to me. Still, I suppose if you're playing the long game and crafting a Journey, that's an excellent place to start from. (Lowest-ever score for a winner in their first dance, by the way? Darren Gough with 19 for his week-one cha cha cha.)

In the non-death slot: Chris and Karen. Karen says in their VT that she thinks Chris will surprise people by being the dark horse, and Chris deadpans that she's going to look so stupid when he's not. He was very happy to get Karen as a partner. They've got the "triple cha" for their first dance, as Chris puts it. He's enjoying training and getting on well with Karen, but he's still getting used to the part where she just grabs random parts of his body and shoves them into position. However, apparently she's even scarier when he does something right. Chris says he's never done this much exercise in his entire life, and he's going to be devastated if he messes up on the live show. Oh well.

They're dancing to 'Juice' by Lizzo, and it's a bit of a mixed bag. On the positive front: he knows all his steps, Karen's choreography is fun and I think well-matched to Chris's current ability, and he's clearly trying to get it right rather than going for laughs, which I definitely appreciate. On the less-positive front: he's quite flat-footed, there's very little hip action, he's a bit hunched-over, and it all looks a bit mechanical - he dances like he's remembering moves rather than like he's actually dancing. But (and I appreciate I'm going to say this a lot before the recap is over, sorry) there's potential here, for sure. I think if he can get a better hang of the technicalities and learn to relax into it all, he could do well - the raw material is in there, he just needs a bit more time in the oven, I think.

Tess asks him how it was and Chris wheezes that it was "horrible". Heh. He says he wanted to get it right, and the moments when you get it right in the studio are euphoric - he feels like he's moved in rhythm for the first time ever, even though he's probably about to be told he hasn't. Bruno: "I think you've said it yourself!" Oops. He could see the determination and good intention, but there was a total lack of timing and rhythm. Chris, faux-outraged: "Are you telling me I cleaned your car today for nothing?!" Bruno also diagnoses a hip-action bypass, and tells him that dancing is like comedy: timing is everything and that's what Chris needs to work on. Craig thought it was awkward and flat-footed, and his free arm leaves a lot to be desired. It looked stompy, but the saving grace is that he sees some rhythm in there, hidden deep-down. Motsi spotted some rhythm and he has an expressive face - we just need to have some of that in the body (hee). Chris: "I thought me face was the main problem, that's a revelation!" She assures him that "we'll get there." Shirley thinks he has attitude and there's chemistry in this partnership, and he showed the funk of it, but his weight was too far back in the heel leads. She thinks he's got the right physique, the right look and an amazing partner so she believes he can do great things.

They run up to the Clauditorium together (Karen: "You did it!" Chris: "Thanks mate!" - aww, I like these two already.) Claudia says that she's loved watching Chris's wife's face in the audience - Chris says that her main advice was to sort his face out, and now he's done that he just needs to work on every other part of his body. Chris says it's nice to start at the bottom, since the only way is up. Scores: Craig 3, Motsi 4, Shirley 3, Bruno 3 for a total of 13. "Annihilated!" wails Chris. Karen vows to find that something and get it out. (I think that score was a bit harsh too, fwiw.) Claudia asks Mike for some pointers on what we can expect from him and I'm just going to skip over anything like this, if nobody has any objections, because I still have nearly two hours of content to recap and I'm going to take any shortcuts I can get.

Up next we have Catherine and Johannes, a pair whose names are so long that they are the bane of spreadsheet-compilers everywhere. Catherine introduces herself as an actress best known for Coronation Street who's currently starring in Scarborough. Just to clarify: she's in the BBC1 comedy Scarborough, she's not currently treading the boards at the Stephen Joseph Theatre. She was overjoyed to get Johannes as a partner, and Johannes says he couldn't have asked for a better partner. They've got the Viennese waltz for week one, which strikes me as a bit of a bugger for your first dance? I mean, über-ringer Ashley Roberts got it last year and still only got 29 for it. Johannes says that Catherine is doing her best and that's all he can ask for. Catherine says that all the spinning just makes her want to heave and wonders whether she should take travel sickness tablets, or maybe have Bruno with a bucket at the side of the stage. I think that's part of his rider anyway hon, although you might want to take the six bottles of Moët out of it first. Catherine reassures herself that she can always throw up offstage afterwards. That's the spirit! She also works on just keeping her eyes pinned on Johannes, and vows that she'll stay in character even if she does vomit, and she'll just vomit in a really romantic way. Attagirl!

Their picnic-themed Viennese waltz is danced to 'I Got You Babe', and let's get the important thing out of the way first: Johannes's bottom is a thing of beauty. It's almost as if God knew that Gorka's benching meant we'd be missing a key part of the Strictly experience and brought the Johannarse into our lives to make up for it. (Also Catherine's boobs look great in that dress so really there's something for everyone here, whatever your orientation.) It's a very sweet dance, a little bit hesitant perhaps and there are definitely a couple of stumbles, but I think she acquits herself well for having drawn one of the tougher opening dances. And again: some promising chemistry between these two. Also: no vomit!

Craig tells her he's glad she didn't vomit, although it might have enticed him to give her an extra point for entertainment value. He thought the transitions were a little bumpy which made it look like it lacked grace but that's easily fixed, and he thinks she's got great potential. Motsi thinks they're a beautiful, tall, elegant couple who created an atmosphere. She advises Catherine that when she's doing ballroom in future she needs to position herself on Johannes's right shoulder because that will smooth everything out. Shirley says they're a beautiful couple and she just needs to remember that if she makes a technical error in her footwork she might get away with it, but if she makes an error in her frame, the judges are definitely going to see it. She advises Catherine to let Johannes lead her, but she thinks she'll be a force to be reckoned with. Bruno thought she started well, but the trick is maintaining it because she got tense and started to stumble and hop. She needs to maintain continuous flow, but there were some very good bits. But enough about the Johannarse, amirite lads?

Claudia tells Catherine that she loved the way she was nodding and really listening to the judges' comments, and Catherine says yes, because they know what they're doing and she doesn't. She's thrilled to have been told she had potential, and she says that Johannes makes her howl with laughter every day, in a good way. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 20.

Next! Saffron and AJ. Saffron says that on her channel she films her everyday life, which is pretty much just the reality of a teenage girl. Her most recent upload? Her unveiling of her new range for Primark. So normal! They've got the tango for their first dance, which Saffron is very excited about because it's the one she really wanted to do. She's very impressed with how sharply AJ turns his head and she wants to be able to do that. They swap stories of how they got into their respective professions (AJ: defied his father's wishes by going into the family business, Saffron: done a vlog on a family holiday). Saffron gives AJ a chance to experience what she does for a living, which appears to be just dicking around and taking selfies, though Saffron is at pains to relate that her life isn't Easy Street: she's got two channels! She creates So Much Content!

They're dancing to 'Lips Are Movin' by apostrophe-abusin' onesie fan Meghan Trainor, and Saffron has been given a massive top ponytail which she will be flinging around wantonly for the next 90 seconds. [The hair was a disaster - I felt quite sorry for her when it stuck to the makeup and she had to lift it off her face so she could actually see - Rad] There's some good staccato movement and her footwork appears to be pretty good, but I'm just so distracted by the top half of her body - it's flinging about all over the place like her spine is made of Primula. I don't want to be one of those people who just says "work on your core" all the time, but...well, she needs to work on her core. A good start though, and I apologise for saying it was awful on Twitter last night. I think I was just too distracted by her torso being like one of those inflatable tubes they have outside car showrooms to notice that she'd done a good job with her feet.

Motsi loves Saffron's fire and thinks that was the best dance she's seen so far. Shirley loved the staccato movement and the way Saffron kept up with AJ, though she cites a need for work on the frame and core. Bruno says she was "hot and on it", and he can't wait to see what she does next week. Craig thought it was too paso in the middle and would've liked to see more in hold, but it was sharp and staccato with great energy.

In the Clauditorium, Saffron waves to her nans at home who she's doing this for, so let's assume Saffron's Nans will be a thing in VTs yet to come. Claudia tells Saffron that her dad was crying while he watched her, and Saffron says she was nervous but she loved it. Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. I feel like that would be a fair score for that routine if Alex and Catherine hadn't got so many fives? God, the scoring is so confusing already and we're only four dances in. Anyway, it's AJ's highest-ever score for a first show. (His week one scores have been 26, 25, 25 for anyone wondering, so while it's a personal best, it's also not that far removed from what he's been pulling in already.) [They're going out in the semi-final again, aren't they?  - Rad]

Tess is in the audience next to Jamie Laing and his poorly ankle. Jamie says that everything about Strictly is amazing and it's rubbish to have to pull out. He's still got his massive rehabilitation boot on, which Oti has signed, and tbh I think he could still have done a better tango than James Cracknell even with that on. (Spoilers.) Jamie says that he's freaking out because he's so nervous for everyone, and Tess coos "bwess your widduw heart, so nervous for your fwiends" while stroking his arm. She's back, lads!

Who's next? Friends, it is Mike and Katya, doing a jive. Mike introduces himself in his VT by saying that his daughters have been very embarrassed by things he's done on TV in the past, but they ain't seen nothing yet, basically. He says that he'd see a four from Craig as a good start. (Spoilers: that's handy.) He asks Katya if she can teach a dad dancer technique, and she assures him that it's never too late. She warns him that she's the bossiest pro, but those of us who lived through the Erin Boag years know that she's a mere pretender to the throne. She says that she loves his enthusiasm and Mike chuckles that he's got to have something, since he definitely can't dance. Heh. They're dancing to 'Do You Love Me?' and Katya thinks it's a good dance to start with because it'll get Mike's stamina up. In training, things are...middling, particularly one part where Mike's timing is off which results in Katya kicking him in the chest. Mike thinks the trick will not be allowing the lights, cameras, audience etc to get him overexcited and make him forget his technique.

There's a lot of energy in this routine, which makes up for the fact that it's kind of sloppy. But for someone who came in as a total novice and had to learn one of the tougher opening dances, I don't think he does too badly. Katya's thrown not just the kitchen sink at the choreography but also the fridge, the Nespresso machine, the Magimix, everything, and whether that works for you will probably depend on your personal tolerance for Katyaography. It's week one so I don't mind too much, but I'd say that from a personal perspective she probably can't push it quite this far on a regular basis. There's decent rhythm from Mike though, and he's doing everything he can to sell it.

Mike tells Tess that Katya's been working him hard, and he hopes it's worth it. Shirley calls them "the dynamic duo" and likens Mike to "a little...jumping...thing." Heh. She thinks his flick-ball-changes are from about week eight, that he's got wonderful energy, and that he's delightful. Bruno thinks it was mad, but he loved it. There were actual recognisable jive steps in there, and he could not have given more energy to it. Craig thought it was "like an overwound tin toy", but he loved the energy - though Mike has sickled feet that he needs to sort out, and no retraction, and he'd appreciate it if Katya could cut out the "aerial stuff" (I mean we used to call those "lifts" and we used to penalise them in the ballroom ten, but...). Motsi wraps it up by saying she was entertained, but in a very strange way. Also for the second time tonight she has "hair colliding with radio mic" issues.

Tess tells Mike he can go and have a lie down and Mike responds with "NOT LIE DOWN!" like a five-year-old who's just inhaled three bags of Haribo. Mike explains that the success with his flick-ball-changes has been down to Katya telling him to give her five everywhere they went: restaurants, in bed with his wife... (I should clarify that he does mime using a phone here, lest the events of last year make anyone interpret this as Katya being in bed with him and his wife). He says that Katya's really made him put the hours in during rehearsals. Scores: Craig 4, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 20. They're very happy with that.

After a preview of what's to come (NO! JUST GET ON WITH IT!) and some further microphone issues, this time infecting James Cracknell, it's time for Emma Weymouth and Aljaž. Her VT opens with her saying that "excited" is the most-used word in her vocabulary at the moment. She very delicately describes her work as "being involved in the management of Longleat Safari Park", and says that you won't often see her in beautiful dresses at home because she's usually running around in wellies with her two children. Honestly not sure which shameless lie I love more: Saffron the ordinary teenager, or Emma the ordinary working mum. "Just off on the school run! We'll be at the end of the driveway in 30 minutes and then the fun really starts!" She's very excited to have Aljaž as a partner, as you would be. Aljaž goes to meet Emma at Longleat and is agog at the size of her house (she of course clarifies that she only lives "in a tiny bit" of this 130-room mansion with a 9000 acre Grade I-listed estate that includes an actual Center Parcs, god I love this oblivious rich lady so much already), and she introduces him to her best friend the giraffe. It really is so hard to picture her without birds merrily chirruping around her head and woodland creatures holding the hem of her skirt up out of the mud, isn't it? They rub mud all over some rhinos and then get to training for the cha cha cha (question: have they had to hire training facilities for Emma or does Longleat have its own dance studio, I absolutely would not bet against the latter).

They're dancing to 'She's A Lady' by Tom Jones and it's set around a garden party where Aljaž is playing croquet, because of course it is. She's better than I expected, actually: she does have some of the usual stiffness that is par for the course with models, but she's got some decent hip movement going at times, and she glides around the room with a natural elegance that's probably going to be particularly helpful in ballroom but also works well here. Performance-wise it's underpowered though, it's all a bit shy and giggly in a way that you can get away with in week one but probably only in week one. I should point out though that I find her entire life so amazingly camp and Aljaž such a perfect foil for it that I stan these two unreservedly and have already set myself up for heartbreak when she goes out in like 13th place or whatever. [13th seems ambitious, I'm calling 14th, after James.  Sorry. - Rad]

Tess commends her on her poise and elegance, and Bruno says that he thinks she's the Posh Spice of the competition. Given that Posh Spice was the one who declined immensely to rejoin the girls for their recent tour, I'd caution Emma against taking that comparison as too much of a compliment. He likes her when she really lets it all go, because a lot of the time she was underperforming. She needs to stretch the back of her knees to make sure she gets her placement right, but he thinks she has great potential. Craig thinks she needs to take her hips further and drive it through her legs and feet, but she has great rhythm and is extremely watchable. Motsi loved the casual sensuality that she gave it, but she needs to spice it up a bit - she advises her to bring her weight forward next time she has a fast dance. Shirley finishes by saying that she looks stunning, and while she needs to work on her technical skills, it was delightful to watch and she shows amazing promise.

Emma waves to her children John and Henry who are having a Strictly party at home (in Ballroom 3, I think). Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 5, Shirley 4, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. Oh, I'm going to have to powervote for these two next week, aren't I?

Couple number seven is James and Luba. She's very happy to have James as her first celebrity partner, though having seen how this dance went I do find myself wondering how long that state of mind is likely to last. They've got the tango first, and James says that even the simple things like keeping his elbows up are letting him down. He wonders what it must be like to be brilliant at something, and have to teach someone who's completely rubbish at it. So to get an idea of that, he takes Luba rowing - except she turns out to be disappointingly competent. Luba thinks if he can win at the Olympics, he can definitely do a tango on Strictly. Spoiler: no he can't.

They're dancing to 'Gold' by Spandau Ballet and, oh dear. This is the first proper, no-redeeming-features dance of the series: his posture's terrible, his legs are barely moving, rhythm is negligible, there's no performance, no chemistry... the list just goes on. Luba's choreographed a routine where he only has to do the bare minimum and she covers up his shortcomings with a lot of flair on her part, but... we can still see the joins, and it's painful. I briefly felt sorry for him, but then I remembered he was a former Conservative candidate for the EU parliament and then I didn't. [I did feel sorry for Luba though.  Those dancing guides she and Johannes did for ITT last year made me want to see what tricks they had up their sleeves and she's not exactly going to get the chance to show those here - Rad]

Craig tells him that his posture is the biggest problem: he was hunched over Luba and his bottom was sticking out. On top of that, it had no drive and no staccato moves. Motsi thinks James needs to let the audience in a bit - he needs to have fun with it, and make the audience a part of that. Shirley tells him that it needs some work, but asks all the men sitting at home to imagine the work that James put in to have learnt all those steps and not make any mistakes. She thinks he's inspired so many men at home to go out and take up dancing, if that's what he achieved in a short time (of one-to-one tuition, which you absolutely would not get at a dance studio unless you pay a lot of money for it) and...well, that is certainly a take, yes. Bruno says he could be James Bond dressed like that, and pulls out our first "Very Hard For The Mens" of the series. And we were doing so well!

Claudia asks him if he's all right, and Luba assures him that he didn't let her down, saying it was the best run he's done, ever. CHRIST. I can only imagine what rehearsals must have been like. I'm surprised she didn't just ask him if he thought he'd be better off pulling a Jamie. We cut to James's proud parents in the audience, and James says that after he won the Olympics his dad told him he could get a proper job now. Yeah, I had parents like that too, it does cause...issues. Scores: Craig 2, Motsi 3, Shirley 3, Bruno 3 for a total of 11, the lowest tango score in Strictly history. Diarmuid Gavin, finally off the bottom of the leaderboard!

Things go slightly differently for the introduction of our next couple, because it's Kelvin and Oti, and we have to address the fact that Kelvin didn't have quite as long to prep for this as everyone else did. So the two of them are standing with Tess, and he says this has been the craziest two weeks he's ever had, but he's so happy to be here. He waves to Jamie in the audience and says he's glad to see he's getting better, and adds that Oti has been so much fun, but "intense". Then it's business as usual as we go into his VT. He says that he knows exactly which clips of him on Emmerdale they're going to use and sure enough, it's a montage of clips of him with his top off as Ginuwine's 'Pony' plays on the soundtrack. Obviously Kelvin is a serious actor and often questioned why his character Andy Sugden, a farmer in Yorkshire in the middle of winter, would be wandering around with no shirt on, but given that these scenes made it to air regardless, I'm assuming the response was something along the lines of "just shut your mouth and get the girls out, sweetcheeks". He says he grew up watching his dad dance to Northern soul and always thought he looked really cool, and now it's his turn to have a go. He's got the samba for his first dance, which Oti calls "a nice slap in the face of Strictly reality", and Kelvin finds the speed of it all pretty challenging. Oti is throwing in lots of different elements, but the part that Kelvin's finding the hardest is the booty-popping. Kelvin says it's all feeling quite surreal, but it's all really happening.

They're dancing to 'La Vida Es Un Carnival' and...my goodness. What a pleasant surprise! Kelvin's got excellent rhythm and a real natural feel for the dance, and does a great job of keeping up with the frantic tempo of Oti's choreography. It could do with more bounce and there are moments where it's a little bit sloppy - the part where Oti clings on between his legs as he wide-steps in a semi-circle, and indeed the bit where he climbs out of that - but there's so much energy and performance value here that it does a lot to cover the cracks. All of which begs the question: given that the cast as originally aligned was both lacking in an obvious hunk and seemed to be short on men with potential to be a challenger for the title, how the heck was Kelvin only a reserve?

There's a standing ovation from Jamie Laing and three out of four judges as Kelvin makes his way over to Tess. Motsi opens for the judges and says that she is very happy he stepped in, because he's got good assets. No, not his arms or his butt (though both are very nice), but his spine, his hip rotation, and the "ooziness" in his body. Shirley says it was electrifying and she's a little bit lost for words so she needs her fan and her beads. I'm not going to ask which beads. She finds him powerful, and she thinks he's in touch with his feminine side as demonstrated by the sensual way in which he moved, and she thinks that's essential to be a good masculine dancer. Bruno bellows "THIS HANK IS ON FIRE" (I assume he meant "hunk") and says that Kelvin's started a chain reaction of hot flushes across the country. He says it's the best samba he's seen on a debut show in any iteration of the show he's seen. Craig says that Kelvin's hands bothered him and the bounce needs work, but God works in mysterious ways and it was amazing.

Claudia tells Kelvin that while he was dancing, Kevin came up to her and said that he wanted Kelvin to teach him some of his moves. She recommends that he only ever have two weeks' notice for anything, given how well it just worked out for him. Kelvin says it was the scariest thing he's ever done, but he's so overjoyed by how well it went that he could cry. Claudia says that they have the same work ethic, and Kelvin says that sometimes they don't eat lunch because they're too busy training. These people are monsters. Lunch is my favourite meal of the middle of the day! [I'm with them, sorry - Rad] Scores: eights all round for a total of 32. Claudia tells him that's the highest score for a first show in five years, which is not quite correct because Daisy got 32 four years ago, but I think that's just whoever reads the spreadsheet down her earpiece having to do their maths at speed.

Halfway leaderboard:
1. Kelvin & Oti - 32
2. Saffron & AJ - 27
3. Mike & Katya - 22
4. Alex & Neil - 21
5. Catherine & Johannes - 20
6. Emma & Aljaž - 19
7. Chris & Karen - 13
8. James & Luba - 11

Onward we go, to David and Nadiya. David is 49 and somehow looks at least five years younger than I do, it is grossly unfair. Nadiya was thrilled to get David because he's an athlete and he's tall. David says he's got 160+ clean sheets in the Premier League so Nadiya will be in safe hands - although he did drop a couple. They've got our first foxtrot of the year, and they'll be dancing it to 'Three Lions'. There follows my favourite exchange of the series:

David: Do you know the song?
Nadiya: No.

I envy Nadiya, I really do. Well, except for the part where she now has to sit through David giving her an oral history of it, and she responds with a fairly unconvincing "that's cool!". I've always found Nadiya quite boring, but I think we might have officially reached the point where she's passed right on through to the other side and everything she says is hilarious to me because she's boring? Catherine and Johannes watch them in studio rehearsals and Catherine states that he's "owning it". Let's see if that follows through to the big night!

Okay, so: this song doesn't work for a foxtrot at all, but the whole thing is just so ridiculously cheesy [THE FOOTBALL COSTUMES - Rad] and it's all played so earnestly by both David and Nadiya that I don't think I can be mad at it? He fluffs up the initial walk down the steps, he's clearly counting the rhythm out in his head (and slightly off-beat to boot) and it's all a bit lumpen, but there's some mysterious endearing quality to it - particularly the bit where he clearly fucks up and you can see him shaking his head and going "Sorry!" to Nadiya. There are some promising aspects though: I think when they're in hold his frame is quite good, and they've gelled nicely as a partnership even if I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say they have actual chemistry yet.

David jokes to Tess that his lips are very dry, and Shirley congratulates them on a magnificent music choice in the way that only someone who's lived in another country for the last couple of decades and been spared the agony of hearing it chanted relentlessly for a full month every other summer. She thinks he's light on his feet and has nice soft knees and the potential for a great frame. I like how, every year, so much of week one critique is based around the things which might theoretically happen one day rather than what actually just happened. Bruno agrees that he thought it would be "an own goal", but in fact it was full of content and most of it was quite graceful. Craig says it needed to be smoother and he went wrong in the middle, and he needs to get out of deer-in-the-headlights mode. Motsi says that David needs to find his "Sasha Fierce" - his dancing is not bad, but he needs to perform more.

David tells Claudia that he thinks the judges were "quite right", and Nadiya says he did one of the hardest ballroom dances beautifully. David says that he drank a litre of water before going out there, and his mouth is still dry. As a person of overenthusiastic bladder, I would never even dream of drinking that much while appearing on live television. David reminds us that he's a grandfather, and we go to the judges for the scores: Craig 3, Motsi 4, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for a total of 17. He's just pleased to be in double figures.

Michelle is next, and is introduced as "the tough judge on RuPaul's Drag Race". That's probably true, but given that the other judges are RuPaul (who tends to leave the actual critiquing to everyone else most of the time), Carson Kressley (lol) and Ross Matthews (also lol), it's quite a low bar to clear. It's still so dissonant to me that Michelle's even on this show - I get that Drag Race is a legitimate cultural phenomenon at this point but I also find it hard to believe the show would have gone anywhere near her if the BBC weren't producing its own localised version [I'd agree with you in other years, but... a table tennis player, a Viscountess, a mid-tier YouTuber... - Rad], and given that it doesn't even premiere for nearly two weeks, this does just feel a bit like she's here as product placement. I'm not upset about it, it just feels weird. Anyway, she's here, so let's get on with it. Michelle says she's expecting Giovanni to be strict and tough, but also understanding and patient. Giovanni: "Our relationship so far is amazing. I mean...I wanna go home!" Hee! Gio's excited to be partnered with Michelle because she's sassy, anyway. They've got the cha cha cha first, and Michelle says she's not very bendy so it's quite a tough sell for her body. She says she's excited to be judged, because when she judges, her goal is to help, so as a contestant, her goal is to listen.

They're dancing to 'So Emotional' by Whitney Houston, which is an absolute banger and I'm so pleased to hear it being deployed on this show. No offence to Michelle but I didn't have particularly high expectations for her so it's a pleasure to report that I was completely wrong - this is a very strong first performance. She's got the rhythm down nicely, her isolations are impressive, the footwork looks neat, her free arm is controlled, the chemistry is there, Motsi goes absolutely nuts when Michelle does a perfectly-timed snap to restart the music after the breakdown. I don't know how much of this is dance and how much of it is attitude so her long-term potential is still very much an open question, but I can't deny she made a very positive impact with that routine.

Bruno opens for the judges by saying that Michelle knows how to work her best angles. Craig says that his goal when judging is also to help, "but it seems you don't need it". Michelle is delighted by this and flings herself into Giovanni's arms. Motsi says that Michelle had time for detail, nothing was rushed, and she loves her. Shirley thinks it was full of sass and power, and it was an elegant cha cha cha. She can see musicality in Michelle, and thinks she's going to eat Giovanni for lunch. He's lucky she's vegan, that's all I can say.

A slightly shell-shocked Michelle and Giovanni make their way to the Clauditorium, where Claudia says that Craig's never said that before. Michelle says that response was unreal, but she's just going to process that and move onwards because it won't be like that every week - and she credits Giovanni's incredible teaching for whatever she achieved out there. Michelle reminds us that she's given birth twice and this is somehow harder. Heh. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 30.

Five couples left everyone. Come on, we can do this! After some more filler and flannel with the couples who haven't danced yet, it's time for Dev and Dianne. Dev thinks he's going to surprise people with how seriously he takes this - he wants to be good. Dianne thinks he has a lot to offer and she can't wait to unleash it. He's got the foxtrot first, and is excited even though he doesn't know what one of those is. Dianne explains that the foxtrot is a smooth and elegant dance, and that if Dev doesn't look good, she won't look good either because he's the frame she has to hang off. Dev takes Dianne to work with him, where she immediately bonds with his co-host Alice Levine and tells her that Dev's always late to training.

They're dancing to 'Build Me Up Buttercup', and it's got the sort of retro-kitsch theming that is normally Kevin Clifton's domain. It's fine, but it's also a foxtrot so it's not hugely exciting. Dev moves well and seems to capture the mood of the dance nicely, but his frame's a little bit flimsy, he's not always in sync with Dianne and there's some definite gapping happening.

Dev's sister Michaela whoops her approval from the audience and Craig gives it the thumbs-up too, saying it was "elegant" and "graceful". Motsi says that the two dances most likely to panic a professional dancer are samba and slow foxtrot, and Dev made the latter look like a walk in the park. Shirley appreciates his musicality and thinks that was the best ballroom of the night. Bruno thinks that the DJ has a big hit on his hands, and declares it "top of the pops".

Up in the Clauditorium, Dev admits that he wasn't nearly as relaxed as the judges seemed to think he was, and his palms were sweating so much he thought Dianne might go flying right out of his hands. Scores: Craig 7, Motsi 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. At this point in the evening I'm feeling like Alex got extremely shafted by going on first. Do the judges know that they were scoring her and Dev for the same episode? I feel like if she'd done the exact same thing an hour later into the show, she'd probably easily got six more points for it. I can see the light slowly fading from Graziano's eyes in the background, and it's a big mood.

Anneka and Kevin are next. She thinks Kevin will be a very patient and kind teacher, and Kevin says they're going to have to start from zero. Anneka assures him that she takes direction well because she's had someone yelling at her through an earpiece for her entire career. They do a lot of business for the VT involving Anneka coming to pick him up in a helicopter, and Kevin reveals that they're doing a cha cha cha with a Treasure Hunt theme for their first routine. Kevin says that the cha cha cha is a fun and energetic dance, so it's a good way to start their journey. Anneka frets that all she has to do now is remember what to do on Saturday night.

It opens with Anneka being lowered to the floor on a rope ladder from a "helicopter" somewhere above the studio, and I'm briefly thrilled as the band strikes up with 'Gloria' by Laura Branigan, because it is my favourite song of all time, only to be crushed with disappointment to discover that they've changed "Gloria" to "Anneka" in the lyrics throughout. Sorry, but that's ruined the whole thing for me, and I am now extremely prejudiced against this pair. You mess with a classic, you face the consequences. As for the dance itself: well, it's clearly being played for comedy and seems to hit its targets on that front, but the actual cha cha cha content is fairly worrying. Anneka is very flat-footed and her back is ramrod-straight at all times, so there's no hip movement to speak of. Still, she looked like she was having a whale of a time, so that's something.

Anneka tells Tess that was "absolute rubbish, but I loved it". Fair enough. Motsi says she saw so much fear of dance when she first saw Anneka, and that's all gone now. Shirley thinks she did very well for a non-dancer, but she's going to need work "in the co-ordination area". Bruno thought she got through it despite a few obstacles. Craig found it flat-footed, stiff and lacking in hip action, but he thinks she's better than she's pretending to be.

Sprinting up to the Clauditorium with Kevin trailing behind, Anneka tells Claudia that she's got the stamina part covered, it's just everything else she has trouble with. Claudia points out the difference in Anneka between the launch show and now, having been in training with "the king of Kevin" (and I genuinely can't tell if she misspoke there or if that's one of Claudia's slightly weird jokes that I just don't get), and Anneka says she's realised that dancing isn't just about learning and looking good, it's about how it makes you feel. "And a bit about learning and looking good," cautions Claudia. Scores: Craig 3, Motsi 4, Shirley 3, Bruno 4 for a total of 14.

Will and Janette are on next with their quickstep. They break out "pocket rocket" in the opening seconds of their VT, and Janette, that can't be your team name every year. Will is surprised in training that the quickstep is quick. Janette says that she's never had to teach someone with Will's disability before, but he's dealt with everything she's thrown at him. I mean, Will's disability is quite a specific one, so this probably shouldn't be a huge surprise? (Also, I am not suggesting that Janette probably hasn't trained many people in ballroom and latin dancing outside the confines of this show, but... "two-time Strictly Christmas champion".) Will points out that he's got a fused joint which means he can't use his ankles, but there are lots of other areas where he can improve. He hopes he can go out there and surprise everyone.

They're dancing to 'Pencil Full Of Lead' and I wonder if the band are as sick of doing this song as I am of hearing it? There's a bit of business where they walk through a prop door of a bar and the ASM in charge of removing it ends up properly in the shot as the camera moves past. Choreography-wise, it's very much of the "just run around the edge of the room in a big circle" school, and I just find it very jerky and quite unpleasant to watch? It's just all uncontrolled energy and the faces he's pulling throughout are very off-putting. Not for me, this one, I'm sorry. [I thought it was a dog's dinner.  The scores baffled me. Although I don't know if quickstep is the best choice with an ankle issue - Rad]

Shirley says "off the chart" for, I think, about the fifth time tonight, and I'm starting to wonder if she means it in the same sense as "off the menu", in that it's not what you're supposed to be getting. Bruno tells him that he's got a love of dancing and performing, and he clearly worked hard on that routine. Craig would've liked to see it a lot more in hold and it was very frenetic, but he was impressed by the lightning speed of movement. Motsi thinks he's a true inspiration, and she felt very touched.

Will says it's all flown past so quickly, and he just didn't want to let Janette down. So many of Janette's partners say those exact words that I'm beginning to get suspicious. Does she hypnotise them like The Demon Headmaster? "I just don't want to let Janette down, she's the best Janette I've ever been to." Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Claudia tells him that it was the highest-scoring quickstep "on a show one" ever, which might sound more impressive if Stacey Dooley hadn't made such a parade of being the first person to do one "on a show one" last year.

Our penultimate pair for the evening are Karim and Amy. After explaining that he's a CBBC presenter for those of us who are still a bit vague on who he is, Karim says "move over Hacker The Dog, I've got a new partner in town". This doesn't land well with me because (a) don't compare Amy to a dog puppet, she had enough abuse from her partner last year, and (b) Hacker T Dog is ace, you should count yourself lucky he deigns to work with you. Amy says Karim is definitely someone she is going to push with challenging choreography and routines, because she knows he's going to give it his all. They've got the cha cha cha first, and Amy points out that while Karim is learning quickly, there is still a lot she has to teach him: legs, posture, timing, leading...little things like that. Apparently Karim has a very busy schedule of CBBC presenting, so Amy goes to visit him at work - where he appears to be wearing pyjamas, or perhaps I'm just out of touch with how ver kids are dressing these days. Amy says she's been most impressed by Karim's energy level, and that's what she wants him to bring to the dancefloor.

They're dancing to 'If I Can't Have You' by one of the Shawn Mendeses, the routine is set in a garage and Karim opens by doing a proper jazz-dance not-a-ringer-at-all-honest two-footed vault kick over the bonnet. The routine appears to have been choreographed to allow Karim to show off as many unnecessary tricks as possible, and when he's actually doing the cha cha cha, it's a bit too energetic and comes across as a bit unfocused. It just makes me think of Motsi's critique of Michelle's cha cha cha and how nothing about it seemed rushed, because here everything seems rushed, and it unsettles me. Anyway, I'm pleased for Amy that she seems in with a good chance of doing well after clearly having a rough year last year, but...maybe rein it in a bit in future weeks?

Bruno: "WHAT WAS THAT? GET OUT OF HERE!" My sentiments exactly. He thought it was a tour de force, and loved how Karim channels the music without missing an accent. Craig doesn't know what the National Association of Teachers Of Dance would say about all those steps being in a cha cha cha, but as this is an entertainment show, he loved it. Motsi says she has a slight headache because there was so much going on. Shirley thinks it was a big check for: timing, musicality, personality, choreography, and technique for week one.

Karim got so excited by all the comments and excitement that he cried, and he assures us he never cries. Claudia reminds us of the Jamie/Karim showmance that got nipped in the bud when Jamie had to pull out, and honestly I'm not sorry about that at all. Karim says that Amy is strict in his personal life as well as in training, telling him what to eat and when to sleep. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Karim: "My maths is bad, how much is that?" It's 31 you fool, I just told you.

In the primary pimp slot of the series, we have Emma Barton and Anton. She struggles with the correct pronunciation of "Strictlified" (assuming there even is such a thing) in her VT and settles for "glammed-up", which is fair enough. She feels very lucky to be partnered with Anton, for some reason. They've got the jive first, which Emma is nervous about and so is Anton. Emma assures Anton that despite her busy schedule, she's taking advantage of every moment of downtime to make sure she nails those kick-back-changes. We see her demonstrating what she's learned so far for Tish Dean, and getting some pointers from Scott Maslen. I mean if you're going to get jive tips, he's probably the best EastEnder to ask, yes.

They're dancing to Abba's 'Honey Honey', which the band are performing as if it were recorded at 33.3rpm and played at 45 (old person joke), which really distracts me for the entire number. Emma's good, she's got the basics covered, but there's just such a strong whiff of Anton Latin about the whole thing in that it feels like it's already 10 years out of date somehow. I'm not sure this partnership is quite working yet either - they're not really in time with each other.

Craig says it felt laboured, and she needs to think ahead of the beat to nail it, but she has amazing potential. Motsi thinks Emma has great posture, great legs, and great arms, but it was a bit inconsistent - some times she had her weight forward correctly and other times she tightened up a little bit, so she needs to balance that out a bit. Shirley says she's a natural born performer, but it was way too heavy and the posture was wrong for jive - her bottom needed to be out more and her chest forward, she was too upright. But otherwise: "quite nice". It's weird because that's easily the most critical Shirley's been of anyone all night, but she also says it's because she can't be critical of someone else and then let it slide for Emma, so I don't quite know what's going on there? Bruno says there were a few issues, but it was a wonderful crowd-pleasing performance, and that tonight's show as a whole was one of the most surprising premieres the show has ever had.

Emma tells Claudia that it's hard going last, and she thinks she might have been slightly too focused on watching and enjoying everyone else's performances to the detriment of her own. Anton tells her the judges are just tired. Claudia points out that Emma did 10 hours' filming and then six hours' training the other day so she must be tired, and Emma says she's "a little bit dozy" but Anton's always got "coffee and buns" on hand. Claudia: "I don't know if that's code." Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 23. Emma's happy with that score. Anton makes the usual "it would normally take me three weeks to get that" grumble.

Final week one leaderboard:
1. Kelvin & Oti - 32
2. Karim & Amy - 31
3=. Michelle & Giovanni - 30
3=. Dev & Dianne - 30
5. Saffron & AJ - 27
6. Will & Janette - 26
7. Emma & Anton - 23
8. Mike & Katya - 22
9. Alex & Neil - 21
10. Catherine & Johannes - 20
11. Emma & Aljaž - 19
12. David & Nadiya - 17
13. Anneka & Kevin - 14
14. Chris & Karen - 13
15. James & Luba - 11

A VT package follows telling us where else we can get some Strictly, as if anyone has the energy for that at this point. Apparently Joe Sugg is hosting the podcast now, and BBC Three is doing some sort of awful banter videos about Strictly that I think it's best we just ignore. Also, It Takes Two is back - in Pog form! - with Rylan Clark-Neil joining Zoe on the hosting team, and the show moving to BBC1 at 5.15pm while the athletics is on.

That's it! We're done! Next week, the vote opens and someone goes home, a prospect which greatly distresses Michelle, and I'll be on recapping duty for the second week in a row. Send me wrist-cushions.