This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Naga is gutted to have been eliminated, but hasn't cried, and she's pleased she went out on a dance that she enjoyed performing.
- Zoe and Ian do a little foxtrot every time they go to a wedding together.
- Naga would recommend the Strictly experience to Charlie Stayt and Dan Walker.
- Judge Rinder and Oksana have a secret handshake.
- Louise has her first-ever pairs of dance shoes from childhood (RINGAH) in her dressing room to inspire her.
- Judge Rinder calls Ed "Edward".
- Ed, who wore a Knight outfit, thinks Judge Rinder’s lederhosen were ridiculous.
- Aljaž and Daisy called their ring of lights a ‘circle of trust’, which sounds a little Fifty Shades to me.
- Daisy is suffering from charleston ankles.
- Aljaž thinks his idea for the charleston sounds great in his head, but isn't sure if it will necessarily translate into the real world.
- Daisy is happy to settle for being mid-table #yearoftheman
- The music that plays when the results are being read makes Daisy go all clammy.
- Aljaž thinks the results show is getting easier; Daisy disagrees.
- Neil has been dancing for years and he's still not sure he knows how to lead.
- Neil’s dancing metaphors involve cars pulling caravans.
- The secret of good leading is to guide your partner with your body, even if you're not touching their hand.
- Neil would like to dance with Lesley. Presumably to save her from AntonLatin.
- Chloe pays close attention to people’s feet – Daisy and Ore coming in for particular criticism here.
- We would quite like to see Chloe join the judging panel next year based on her appearance on Choreography Corner this week.
- Laura and Giovanni's rehearsal space is quite small, so they crashed into the wall a lot rehearsing the quickstep.
- Mick Jagger the dog now prefers Giovanni to Laura.
- The jive is Giovanni's favourite dance.
- The terrible infantalising of AJ and Claudia extends to this show ('teenage dream'; 'high school sweethearts')
- AJ has told Claudia only to focus on the positive comments and not the negatives, but she's finding it quite hard so far.
- Zoe thought that thing that AJ and Claudia did deserved 'much' more than 6.
- Claudia is learning the dance language.
- AJ can now do a hands-free cartwheel.
- Claudia and AJ's samba will feature some "surprising" props. Like a jack-in-the-box?
- Chloe thinks having to be manly was what scuppered Ed on Saturday.
- She also thinks the dance was 'a little straight' for her.
- Paso shaping requires you to curve your arms like you're holding a beach ball.
- How you dance salsa depends on where you're from.
- Neil wants to see twenty 10s this week. Don't encourage them.
- Camilla Dallerup is doing Choreography Corner next week. That should be...interesting.
- Despite this show presenting AJ and Claudia as tiny children, they're old enough to know the video to '(Is This The Way To) Amarillo'.
- The song choices for Saturday seem like the most inappropriate ever (and we didn't even hear the tango choice)
- Oti thinks Aljaž is the most attractive pro. Don't tell Janette.
- Giovanni and Oti are both shoe addicts.
- Giovanni says he'll be five minutes late when he means two hours.
- Anastacia wasn't thrilled about being in the bottom two but was at least pleased to have a chance to do the dance-off this time.
- Last week Anastacia felt like she had done more dancing arms than ever. Dancestacia, in fact.
- Gorka is filling in for Brendan while he's ill. Anastacia is just hating it, as you can imagine.
- Brendan likes being in the dance-off.
- Brendan has never got less than 30 for a quickstep. It sounds less impressive when you realise he's only done the quickstep with his three finalists and Victoria Pendleton, though.
- Ore hasn't cried this much since his wedding.
- Ore has a very bendy thumb.
- Andrew Castle can't spell 'Murray'.
- Ore has always dreamt of doing the jive on Strictly, 'but I've never dreamt it as good as it did on Saturday.'
- Ore definitely has not got any previous dance training, whatever James Jordan might be saying.
- Ore's brain broke at being in the same sentence as Jill and Jay.
- Jo is drilling Ore a little bit. This cast and being drilled by their pros. #scandal
- Danny blew Ian away on Saturday. See, they're all at it!
- Ian doesn't know the name of any Charleston steps.  And thinks 40s-rock-n-roll-jive is a thing.
- Zoe thinks the rumba can be 'a bit eggy'. Or maybe that was just Ian, Zo.
- You always need a shelf to hold on to.
- Danny won't stop talking about their quickstep.
- Oti is not that fussed about not having had a 10 yet.
- Oti did her choreography 'differently to how it was meant to be' on Saturday.
- Danny thinks it's hard to do the rumba without looking like a girl. #masc
- Danny is a secret plant that Rupert Murdoch is using to destroy the BBC. At least according to the newspaper front pages in a dream one of us had this week.
- Joanne likes sausage and mash, but it has to be at least a couple of hours before dancing. Ian prefers fish, and Oti eats lots of chocolate to calm her down. Apparently Karen's always got some in a pinch.
- Oti accidentally told Danny what the music for their exit dance was going to be.
- In promenade position, men should look at their hands, not their partners.
- You can vote for Ian's Halloween costume - Black Swan, Beetlejuice, or Zombie Barbra Streisand.
- Greg and Natalie had to adapt their lifts three times because of his injury, so they have plenty of lifts in store for their future dances. Natalie mentioned showdance as one of these. I bet that made the internet happy.
- Phil Collins is Zoe's favourite. Natalie still seems to be more impressed by Olly Murs.
- Natalie would like to point out Greg hasn't left the show yet, despite having a difficult run of dances. #shade
- Anastacia is very enthusiastic about Gorka bossing her about.
- Claudia and AJ were meant to be 'university' students in 'high street day wear' last Saturday and it didn't work so they changed the outfit.
- Candi Staton is pronounced Stay-ton, not Stat-ton.
- Jive is Giovanni's favourite dance.
- Ed missed a hold step and they got lost, so he just made it up.
- Katya has lost her voice so is reduced to writing on boards.
- Ed's paso wasn't supposed to be camp.
- Ed is trying to choreograph his own dances using previous moves from their other dances. And I thought showdance was for the final only.
- A Hi-de-Hi end-credits style opening sequence is the perfect opening sequence you never realised the show needed.
- Brendan is too ill to dance this weekend, so Gorka is taking on his rentapro mantle (poor - Neil, too much of a spare part to even be a substitute).
- Kevin wanted to cry when Louise's footwork was featured in Len's Lens.
- Kevin never tells Jo when he's proud of her but he lost his voice screaming when they did their jive.
- There's a cupboard at the Clifton home for Jo's trophies and Kevin has a little corner. He says this in that 'it's a joke but it's actually true' voice. Poor Kevin.
- Louise burped bananas in Kevin's face during their rumba rehearsals.
- Kevin triple dipped in the tan last week because he's so much paler than everyone else and hadn't really registered that it'd get darker and darker.
- Neil and Pasha charlestoning together is the least attractive thing ever.
- Su Pollard's mum is 94.
- Aled Jones thinks this year has the best men ever. #yearoftheman
- Aled Jones wants to be Danny.
- Helen Skelton thinks Danny not getting a 10 might have helped slow the haters who think he's too perfect.
- Su Pollard calls Ore 'the biscuit' after an Oreo (or 'Ore-Oh') and says she wants to bite him.  'Without tea!'
- Aled Jones only got an 8 for his jive because he forgot it and made it up. His top tip therefore is that if you forget your steps, you should do the Saturday Night Fever moves.
- Wearing heels in the jive is a mistake.
- Helen Skelton wasn't best pleased at being partnered with 'the most serious man in showbiz', Artem, in a Christmas special.
- Su Pollard says Daisy has the best smile she's ever seen on a woman.
- Gethin gives warm hugs.
- Judge Rinder has told Oksana to speak like the queen.
- Judge Rinder's latest character-themed get up is 'the army'.
- Judge Rinder doesn't think Strictly is work.
- The further Oksana goes with the strictness, the better Judge Rinder responds.
- Judge Rinder borrowed Oksana's leggings to get into character for Fred Flintstone (?!!)
- Judge Rinder is good at press ups, as you might expect from how ripped he was in the launch show.
- Janette learned flamenco for filler purposes.
- Flamenco dancing represents the struggle, hope and pride of the Spanish working class.
- The arms in flamenco come from the soul.
- Older dancers are seen as better in flamenco as they can deliver a truer emotional expression.
- Lesley's mother was a flapper in the 20s, and was nearly 104 when she died.
- Lesley and Anton were training at Pinewood on Wednesday.
- 'Beke-y with the good hair' wins all name astons forever.
- Lesley hasn't got the hang of the tango as of Friday but will get it together for Saturday.
- Lesley and Anton are the only couple whose scores have increased week on week.
- Anastacia is on the list of people Helen Skelton would be happy to be trapped in a lift for five hours with.
- Helen Skelton thinks Ed will inspire people to take up dancing.
- Su Pollard thinks it's a good thing that Ed hasn't dropped dead, and that will be his legacy.
- Su Pollard is convinced that Amarillo can be American Smooth music.
- Judge Rinder told Aled Jones he'd take his bottom half off if he gets into the final.
- The Friday panel don't want Ed to go and Helen thinks Zoe has jinxed Lesley and Anton by saying they're improving every week.
- The mantra about everyone hating other people going takes on a really sinister turn when everyone does charity advert voice with sad plinky plonky piano music playing.
- Karen's Friday night snack involves a croissant and a big pile of biscuits.
- The other pros call Karen genetically superior because of her metabolism.
- Janette's spent her off time catching up with her previous partners. Even Julien.

Naga Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye

Week 4 Results: Sunday 16 October 2016

Last night! Our official front-runner battle between Danny and Ore kicked off in earnest when the latter became the third incarnation of the spirit of Jive, gaining 39 points in the process, and the former delivered another great performance whilst not getting 10s and thus demonstrating that he’s not really a ringer, honest, all he did was sit on a chair that one time.

At the other end of the spectrum, Ed and Katya delivered a car crash Knights and Damsels paso for the ages, whilst Anastacia and Brendan’s rumba was delivered in such a way that all signs pointed to LAST DANCE and Naga improved a bit with her Charleston whilst looking utterly and completely terrifying as she became the unexpected recipient of a komedy edit. [Poor Naga. - Steve]

Tonight! We open with an energetic pro dance to a James Brown medley, largely featuring Aljaž, Janette and Karen, whilst most of the other pros keep to the sidelines, presumably as they’re not entirely comfortable in the funk/disco genre… Apart from Anton, that is, who is somewhat improbably positioned front and centre for part of it, in a pervy-uncle style purple suit with chest wig akimbo. He has some moves, I’ll say that for him. [Whether they're the right ones, however... - Steve] The routine also showcases some funk and breakdance dancers who aren’t really properly introduced and trying to Google them hasn’t proved that fruitful, but Claudia says they are ‘Roshay, Damesh, Brakes and Brook’ and I heartily apologise for my inevitable spelling errors guys, I did try to find out who you were. You were very good, anyway.

Daly dresswatch: A black lace number she seems to have purloined from Claudia’s wardrobe. What Winkleman’s Wearing: a pink and red dress that looks suspiciously like either a nightdress or a kids’ dress. I do quite like it though because I’m a sucker for bold colours, but it’s an unusual choice for her. 

The judges enter and try to effect some funky dancing, which ends up with a homoerotic tussle between Len and Bruno. I guess now he’s leaving all that unexpressed tension is coming to the fore. [You'd think they'd realise they still have to work together on Dancing With The Stars, but I guess the heart wants what it wants. - Steve] Recap time! As usual, I’m only recapping new points of note or interesting editorial choices.  There’s a non-Greg floor manager stealing Greg time.  He’s a little balder and burlier so I guess they’re trying to cater for a range of tastes. Of note in the recap: Greg’s slightly mediocre, injury-ridden dance is presented as a triumph (YEAR OF THE MAN!!), Anastacia is presented as mostly good but with room for improvement (end of a journey/pre-dance off narrative); Naga’s is presented as a mess despite garnering lots of ‘your best dance’ moments; Kevin and Louise are still trying to make a fist-bump look cute; Daisy and Aljaž’s weird rumba and Claudia and AJ’s godawful foxtrot thing don’t look great in recap. Oh, and Ore’s jive was the greatest thing since… Jay’s jive. Last series. As Fatima pointed out in the comments, it’s odd how jives become this feted, legendary, thing on the show, more so than any other genre (Charlestons probably come second here) – I suppose it’s because it’s a fun, exciting dance to watch, but so are, say, pasos and quicksteps and even the most brilliant of those are rarely inscribed in the show’s mythology in the same way (I am not talking about fan talk here, but the way the show’s presenters hark on – or not – about past dances). Even moments that are seen as the standout of their series or genre-defining – Jake Wood’s salsa, for example, don’t seem to be held up as a benchmark in the same way that Jill, then Jay and now Ore’s jives have been. [It's interesting, isn't it? Even Chris Hollins' charleston seems to have been forgotten, despite being absolutely huge at the time and being responsible for everyone feeling they had to massively overact their charlestons until Sophie Ellis-Bextor came along and showed us there was another way. - Steve]

Anyway, that aside, we’re onto our first results of the evening. Safe: Lesley and Anton; Ore and Joanne; Daisy and Aljaž; Judge Rinder and Oksana; Laura and Giovanni. The first couple in the dance-off? A somewhat unsurprised Naga and Pasha. I was so focused on Naga’s hair and make-up last night that I didn’t notice the… thing… on her head – it’s like she has a barnacle-style growth on there. It’s horrifying.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells Ore no-one has had a score that high so early on in the competition (apart from Christmas, but we all know that Christmas isn’t canon) (and weeks where there were five judges but one of them was Donny Osmond so that isn’t canon either) and he says she’s going to make him cry again. Claudia says that she quite likes that. Claudia tells Laura she must be relieved to be safe and Laura says the waiting is so emotional she can’t take it (even though their judges’ scores must have revealed they were safe). We learn that Dorien is playing a clairvoyant next week – Mumsy perhaps? And Judge Rinder has the jive and Claudia asks if he’s worried, but he says they’ll get 40. Daisy is also pleased to be here.

Time for special guests Madness, doing a new song rather than a classic. It seems to be about some dodgy old bloke who’s right wing and kind of seedy. FAMILY FUN! Suggs still looks good for his age. I do have to say this because I have a good friend who is a huuuuuge fan, though. Neil and Katya do some dancing about in front – not sure what genre, other than ‘school disco’ – it’s a bit odd and Neil pulls faces that make Rinder look sedate, and he’s not making me look forward to him having a celebrity partner next year (if he does).

Len’s Lens time now and we start with Kevin and Louise’s footwork and we see her dragging her heel back.. and then not, so he has to clarify that she didn’t do it correctly every time. Then he tries to explain what he meant about Louise’s arm being too far right and Claudia is confused about what he means so he decides to grope Darcey in the name of teaching wimmin a lesson. Oh, sorry, thought I was writing a football/US politics blog there. 

We move to Judge Rinder and Darcey emphasising his bum looking like he was squatting rather than him being elegant.  I can’t imagine elegance is possible in a lederhosen-laden dance to ‘Boom Bang-a-Bang’ but there we are. Darcey calls him a great student, though, whatever that means, and that he needs to be given a more elegant character. Now it’s Ore and Joanne’s jive, and when I first watched this yesterday I thought some of his footwork could have been more precise, and wrote a comment about that, then I was dazzled with the pace and they 10d it all over the shop and I thought that was a bit churlish so deleted the comment before publishing – but in slow-motion you can see how he does execute the moves well but doesn’t quite have precision in the way he finishes off each step – probably due to the pace and him being an amateur, but if you’re giving something almost perfect scores you maybe don’t want to emphasise the bits where it’s not perfect in the recap. [Yeah, the jive is a dance that rarely benefits from being Len's Lensed, because most of the good ones go so quickly that you don't notice or care whether they're being precise or not. - Steve] Anyway, Bruno says he is like a praying mantis and claps him. Finally, we see the judges’ reactions to the jive as it unfolds – Darcey leaning in and gawping, Bruno standing and gawping, Craig bobbing his head along and Len looking miserable.

Now for our next results. Safe are: Danny and Oti; Claudia and AJ; Louise and Kevin (who is wearing an almost-Chigvintsev level of fake tan); Greg and Natalie and Ed and Katya, placing Anastacia and Brendan in the bottom two in a fairly predictable turn of events.

Anastacia says she can dance off tonight and she’s up for it. Craig says to keep the dance moving, let the dance live and not be tempted to stop – but to think of the positives, her wonderful arms and hands and her chemistry with Brendan. It kind of seems like a goodbye note.

In the Clauditorium, Ed thanks everyone who voted for them, Danny has the rumba next week, which, sing it now IS A PIECE OF PISS.  I mean difficult for a MAN to do. Despite it being difficult for women this week. Claudia asks Louise how they’ll make things more difficult next week and Kevin says ‘if harder is what Darcey wants, then harder is what Darcey gets’. That’s barely even a single entendre, never mind a double. Claudia F says they’ll bring out sass next week. In a routine where they’re doing lines in detention or throwing tantrums in supermarkets no doubt. Greg says the thought of not carrying on would be horrible (and if you, too, are affected by issues in this programme, please ring the BBC helpline).

Zoe then trailers ITT, now with much less Robin, which can only be a good thing. With the bottom two couples now, and Anastacia says she’s positive and just being here is great, and they go off to get ready. Naga seems quite down and genuinely seems like she doesn’t want it to stop – as Steve said last week, maybe she just has resting pissed-off-face. Or Stockholm Syndrome.

Anastacia and Brendan probably put in a technically better performance, but at the end she sits on the floor for a bit which looks like they’ve gone wrong, which can’t have helped with the ‘don’t stop’ message she was given from Craig. Naga falls apart a bit and the dance has less energy than first time, which leaves the judges having to choose between a couple whose journey story has been set up to come to a close tonight (but who are generating press) and another couple who had a ‘breakthrough’ storyline but a technically worse dance off. Neither couple is here for the long haul, but whilst I was sure Anastacia was gone pre-dance off, now I think it could go the other way.

Craig says Anastacia and Brendan danced better so he’s saving them. Darcey saves them as well for ‘their performance value and better artistry’ (*cough*). Bruno saves them for giving a slicker, more rounded and convincing performance and Len agrees with them. Naga thanks Pasha for being the best teacher she’s ever had and he thanks her for being the best student he’s ever had (o..kay?) and she apologises for not being good enough and he tells her it was her best performance. Awww. And off they dance to ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ and another racism debate which will presumably be said to be over when the trophy is lifted by either a black celebrity or a black pro (I mean, I’m just guessing, like, but that would seem to be a way they can refute those allegations and deliver a strong storyline. I think it generally can be hard for black and Asian contestants on reality shows, by the way, so I’m not trying to pretend otherwise.) [I guess it's good that people are finally realising that we, as a nation, don't tend to vote very strongly for people of colour on reality television and that it is a problem, but I wish people weren't just framing it as "Strictly Come Dancing Is Racist!" because that's neither the problem nor the solution. - Steve]

Who’ll go next week?  Chances are it’s going to be another woman, but which one?  Join us then to find out!

The Third Coming

Week 4 Performance Show: Saturday 15 October 2016

Last week! We went to the movies and had our first (sort of) shock bottom two, with Laura facing off against Tameka and the EastEnders star leaving earlier than many of us had expected. Then! Shock news as Will left the show mid-week for personal reasons. Still, the show must go on, and to guide us through these troubled times are Tess (in an odd stripy foil dress thing) and Claudia (in black, with a quirky shoulder arrangement going on), along with the judges, whose notional attempts at dancing are grimaced through even less enthusiastically than usual.

Our contestants arrive: Louise and Kevin; Judge Rinder and Oksana; Lesley and Anton; Claudia and AJ; Ore and Joanne; Daisy and Aljaž; Naga (in a bizarre blue wig and alien-style make-up) and Pasha; Greg and Natalie; Ed and Katya; Laura and Giovanni; Danny and Oti; Anastacia and Brendan. That’s beginning to feel like a more manageable amount of contestants.

Natalie and Greg kick us off, and Greg is wearing some sort of odd Hawaiian shirt… and sporting a bandage due to the injury he sustained in the week (covered in our ITT recap). [It did seem needlessly cruel to put the redhead in a pink floral shirt. - Steve] Their VT goes on about their epic lifts, including a groin spin thing and another one where Natalie backflips through his arms which was the one that damaged his wrist. They have a surprise visitor to lift their spirits. Who could it be? Mo Farah? Jess Ennis-Hill? Louis Smith? The answer is none of the above, sadly. It’s possible Strictly 2018 star (*fingers crossed not*) Olly Murs, for the tenuous reason that they’re dancing to his ‘Wrapped Up’. 

Their salsa opens with Greg waving candy floss around and then Greg goes and gets Natalie from a ‘Shimmy Shack’ which doesn’t at look like the Shake Shack from Grease, no siree, movie week was last week, this is a whole new thing. As with all of his dances, the best portion of it involves Natalie distraction techniques – shimmying in front of him for all she’s worth, getting whirled around with gay abandon – because when he’s dancing alone, it is a bit… dad dancing. His hips and legs aren’t really doing enough and he’s rather static in the (still pretty good, but not as good as they looked in the VT) lifts as well, and they do look like they’re compensating somewhat for his injury although the last lift where he spins her on his shoulders is pretty fine. I mean, the dance still kind of works because Natalie is selling the hell out of it, but it isn’t amazing, much as I’m still rooting for this couple.

Len says it was a bit like candyfloss – tasty and sticky in the middle, and gives a 'woargh' about Greg’s bum. So he likes it this week, then? Bruno says he couldn’t take his eyes off Greg’s bum and I think we might be sailing perilously close to sexual harassment here. Otherwise, he doesn’t think Greg’s footwork was very sharp but he loved the energy. Craig thinks the hip work was a bit too square although he liked the top shimmy. Unlike the other two, he didn’t like Greg’s bum in his face. Darcey, unlike the men, makes no real mention of his bum but she loved it and thought he was in control throughout.

Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 28. Claudia then gets a barbershop quartet to sing part of the terms and conditions, although I think they could have really committed to the randomness of this by having them do the whole spiel.

Laura and Giovanni now and the show is clearly invested in this pairing if they’re sticking them in this slot. [That's two weeks in a row the couple who survived the dance-off turned out to be in the death slot the following week. It's odd. - Steve] Their VT is also about a special guest, Mick Jagger… who turns out to be Laura’s dog. I feel like there should be a bunch of jokes to mine out of this, but it’s too early and too bizarre and I’m too sober…

They are dancing the quickstep to 'Ballroom Blitz' which can surely only suffer in comparison to this, so maybe isn’t the wisest of moves. They’re wearing matching pink and black lacy outfits and look pretty good in them, although Laura’s dress is arguably more rock’n’roll than ballroom. The routine is nice and energetic, with some good upper-body work although the footwork could be more precise in places – from what we can see of it, given the camera keeps hiding their feet. However, she seems to enjoy it and that sells it. [Shame that it looks like her head's about to fall off the whole way through though. - Steve]

Bruno loves how effortless it looked and how they moved into the Charleston section. Craig agrees that that was the strongest part although he thought the bits in hold could have been stronger. Darcey calls it ‘fabulously fast’ and says her right shoulder rolls in a bit when travelling but overall, it was very impressive. Len says her head was overexaggerated at times, but it was flat out and if she’s in the bottom two, he’ll pickle his walnuts. 

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 for a total of 33. All I can think about when I look at the people in the Clauditorium is ‘poor Naga’.

Anastacia and Brendan now and she calls him ‘Big Daddy’ which is some Pamela Stephenson level of over-revelation about the nature of their dynamic. [Either that or she's come over all Tennessee Williams. - Steve] Then she takes Brendan to Ronnie Scott’s where she sings to him about how she’s doing the rumba and doesn’t want to be in the bottom two. They’re the only two there, which gives the place the impression of a private club for men rather than a jazz venue, but then they are doing the dance of pervs, so…

They’re rumba-ing to ‘The Way We Were’ and Anastacia’s dress is odd – it’s half seductress and half business bitch – the black top and blue skirt part meet in the middle as if they were a suit.  They’re dancing to black and white photos of ‘memories’ of their time together: that time they posed for promo shots! That time they were on It Takes Two! That time Anastacia couldn’t dance in the dance-off because she’d torn her mastectomy scars and the Great British Public decided she was the worst thing since having to be in that stupid European Union shit with its healthcare benefits and trade arrangements and council of human rights and ease of travel and our money being worth something and all that other lefty nonsense! It might be that I’ve watched too much X Factor and read too many Sofabet columns, but it strikes me that they’re trying to pull the old ‘see, their time is up now. MEMORIES!’ stuff on these two to get them out of there. It’s the kind of song they play over the credits when a couple dance away, not a sexy tune of sexy times (although I suppose this is Brendan in his NO! FILTHY! DIRTY! RUMBAS! time of life), plus their ‘best bits’ being displayed everywhere adds to this ‘end of the journey’ sensation. The dance itself?  Some nice bits, but not overly complicated, and slightly stilted in places, especially when they’re transitioning from one posed section to the next. It ends with her stroking his face in a total ‘goodbye’ moment.

Craig says it partly worked and partly didn’t – the rondes section was strong and her hand shaping is exquisite, but she did kick Brendan’s toe and parts were stilted. Darcey says her hands and shaping really do go with the music, but she’d rather the body undulated more (at the long word, Len gives a ‘oh, hello’) so the moves flowed into each other rather than being static. Len ‘didn’t mind it at all’ – there were a lot of lines and wiggles and he warns Brendan to not get aggressive. He says he would have liked more rumba in it and some straightening of the legs. Bruno says it was light, glamorous and stylish and looked like Hollywood movie stars, and then he basically segues into that bit in ‘Vogue’ before declaring it very tasteful. A tasteful rumba seems to be damned with faint praise. In the Clauditorium, Claudia declares the show’s new mantra that the rumba is the hardest dance of all (not even just for men!) and Anastacia says once you’re dancing to Barbra Streisand, it can’t be ‘too that way’ because Babs exudes chastity. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Claudia (F) and AJ now, whom I’ve yet to warm to, despite their being technically good and entirely inoffensive. Maybe I’m just a jellus hater envying their youth. Or maybe they just don’t have an edit beyond ‘awww cute, plus gymnastics’ which… even Louis Smith had the draw of his cool indifference matched with Flavia’s…full on Flavia. Oh dear God. AJ is telling Claudia that their dance is going to be set in a school. AND THEN, they arrange for her former teachers to arrive –although they call them ‘her teachers’ and them ‘being used to marking her work’ as if she were still at school, and she looks mortified throughout as she would. Dear God show, stop with infantalising these two ACTUAL ADULT HUMANS. They’re probably already self-conscious about looking young and having to take ID with them everywhere (I imagine) – and the last thing any 18 or 21 year old wants is people telling them they’re a cute ickle child. I dread to think what their rumba is going to be like, and their paso at this rate is going to be them sticking their coats up as capes and running round the playground. 

I think I have now found my ‘in’ with this pairing, and it’s being outraged on their behalf.

Their foxtrot to ‘I Really Like You’ opens with AJ standing by some rainbow-themed lockers (because the show’s masterminds have clearly decided the audience for this pair is Tumblr circa 2012). The dance itself never really gets going, and the song choice really doesn’t suit it – it’s not got any dynamics in it for the footwork to connect with and so, even if some of the moves are technically well executed, the whole thing just looks weird. Then it ends in a really unfortunate pose, where AJ looks like he’s strangling Claudia and he opens a locker TO PUT HER CORPSE IN and grins maniacally in the mirror.  So that escalated quickly. I’m guessing the symbolism of it all was that he was a gay kid being forced to dance with a girl and finding it all awkward and not how things should be, so he then strangles heteronormativity and shoves it in the closet? IDK - I am not sure what I just watched there AT ALL.

Tess repeats the ‘pocket rockets’ and ‘adorable’ lines they keep pulling out. Darcey says she loved the storytelling (umm) and that Claudia’s top line is excellent. Len says she did very very well, because she is YOUNG AND MODERN whilst he is OLD AND TRADITIONAL (which is never really developed because Len) but he liked her footwork and ‘for your class it’s first rate’. Answers on a postcard, please. Tess says it’s a ‘gold star from head teacher’ and Bruno calls them a ‘teenage dream team’. He’s 21, Bruno. He calls them ‘enthusiastic and keen to please’ and I just vomit in my mouth a bit. He could see how she tried to get the technique but there was a moment where it looked like she got on the wrong foot and AJ says ‘no, it was perfect’. Bruno says it needs to look more flowing than angular. Craig says it had gapping and lacked grace and elegance (true dat) and he thought it misrepresented the foxtrot entirely. Youch! (I hated it too, Craig, don’t worry)

In the Clauditorium, Claudia F tries to convince us that AJ’s a hard taskmaster by telling us he says ‘heel turn. Big steps… small’. Yeah, love, you’re going to have to g some to convince us he’s Christian Grey when they’re pretending he’s Kurt Hummell. Scores: 6, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 30.

After a quick preview of what’s coming up, Tess tells us Danny and Oti will be dancing to an orchestral theme, which is our cue for a Claudia misunderstanding – this time an ‘aww, kestrel’ and she has a plastic kestrel on her arm, and to land it, she calls it Snuggles.

OH MY WORD, Ed Balls is wearing a black upturned cauldron or something on his head.  Tess tells us he’s playing a knight. We’re not in a theme week and I’m getting this level of shiz? Their VT involved Katya taking Ed to a medieval banquet place to put on a suit of armour and do some combat training whilst she flounces around in princess gear. The way he delivers ‘I am now Ed the Knight and will slay the paso doble on Saturday’ like he’s your dad telling you he’s popping down the shops for a pint of milk is quite something.

Their paso, to ‘Holding Out For a Hero’ (YASS SLAY ETC) opens with Katya tied to some sort of pillar and calling for help, then Ed bopping on in full on local-community-centre-panto knight garb (sans lance, helmet and shield, but replete with a cape made from a curtain) to untie her. The camera pulls back and we see an actual FIRE BREATHING DRAGON on stage (your definition of actual depends on how far you could say AJ and Claudia’s last dance was a foxtrot). The dance is very lumpen and ungainly and he doesn’t seem to be sure what he’s doing – and it’s not very distinguishable as a paso until the end when they actually remember to use his cape, but you can see he is trying to put the effort in, I  guess. The whole thing is camp as fuck and sits somewhere on the thin line between ‘komedy klassic’ and ‘abomination’ –although probably comes down on the side of the latter. I guess at least the storytelling is clear… In the balcony, Janette is howling with laughter… and probably wishes she’d come up with it. I’m intrigued to know how much of the komedy stylings are Katya and how much are the producers – I feel like we still don’t know much about her yet to understand what she's truly about. [Well, according to Ed on It Takes Two, he wasn't trying to make it camp on purpose, so who even knows what the artistic intention is with these two. - Steve]

Tess says something went wrong – and if Tess can see that, then… Len says they’ve had a bunch of Balls on Strictly – Zoe Ball, Johnny Ball, and Bobby Ball did a Christmas special and, erm, Michael Ball done a singing that time, and NONE OF EM DUN LIFTED THE GLITTERBALL AND NEITHER WILL YOU. Bruno says it had poor shaping and was strangely compelling but won’t get a good score. Craig says he was mincing about and was camper than Frank Spencer and it was utterly dreadful. Darcey says the armography was most upsetting and he’s done better before, but she liked the performance value.

In the Clauditorium, Ed says he’s trying but it did go a lot better in rehearsals. Scores: 2, 5, 5, 4 for a total of 16 and the lowest of the series so far but not the lowest ever paso on the show (jointly held between two memorably bad ones: Chris and Hanna in S1 and Dennis and Izabella in S3, both with scores of 15). All the women lean into Ed and give him a hug, which might have been his secret plan all along.

Now we come to Pasha and #prayfornaga. Bless her, I bet she never expected to become a full on komedy kontestant, but the ‘mermaid’ that looks more like an alien Oompa Loompa (Gene Wilder version) look they’ve given her certainly suggests that’s the route they’re taking.

Their VT reminds us that Pasha spent an age fiddling with her crotch last week instead of dancing (He can fiddle with…) [WE GET IT  - The world] and then her meeting him at a Sea Life centre or equivalent wearing flippers and a snorkel so they can dance ‘under water’. She does a ‘making a splash’ joke and at least she’s embracing the madness.

Their Charleston, to something called ‘Minnie the Mermaid’, which I do not recognise at all, opens with Pasha in a cut off scuba suit, wielding a trident and opening up Naga’s clam. WHAT? This actually happened. She is in a dress made of silver Christmas trimmings, wearing a blue wig and made up almost entirely in silver. It makes the wig and concealer lips of a fortnight ago look good. I was entirely frightened for this dance, but actually, the fact that she’s fully embracing the madness works in its favour. She seems to have relaxed a bit now she’s come to terms with not being technically that good, and this imbues the dance with more energy than some of her previous, more stilted attempts. She’s buying into the ungainly lifts and wacky arm movements and, as a result, it comes across as quite a confident performance – it’s not very technically precise, but it’s enjoyable to watch rather than something where I’m holding my breath for her. And it ends with Pasha lifting her by the vag as all good Strictly dances do. Everything should have been against that dance, but I think it actually worked – not sure how they’ll manage to capitalise on that madcap energy in ballroom, though.

Bruno calls it fun underwater, but slippery on dry land, but as a mermaid you’d expect that. She says she was finding her sea legs.  He says the legs were messy though, and Craig agrees. He thinks the smile was wonderful but it was messy and the lift made it look like she’d been harpooned. Darcey says it was fun and had a lot of character and energy and was a real improvement. Len says… wait for it… she certainly came out of her shell. Len snarks that Craig has criticised Charlestons in the past for being too precise and this for being too sloppy so ‘I don’t know what you’re on about’ as if it’s not entirely possible for something to find an appropriate mid-point. In other words, fuck off Len.

They bounce up to the Clauditorium. Claudia repeats that this is Naga’s Charleston breakthrough, and I know that’s an annual storyline, but it’s usually bestowed on a mid-range man. Scores: 5, 6, 7, 6 for a total of 24. So… not that much of a breakthrough after all? Brendan calls it undermarked and Claudia compliments Naga’s sequinned eyebrows. Claudia previews ‘Danny conducting an orchestra, and Dave Arch dancing a quickstep’.  Heh.

Louise and Kevin now, and Louise is pretending her bar is set so low that Bruno dancing along with her ‘Flashdance’ is a highlight of her time so far. Their VT takes an interesting tactic – Kevin basically tells her ‘I know you waited until you could ring your way to the final but unfortunately, this is the year of the megaringers so we have to make it look like you’re working doubly hard also we might need a gimmick beyond mum soon, when is Jamie coming to do these VTs?’ Louise is shown dancing in her kitchen, which is very clean and very sparse.

They are foxtrotting to ‘Tears Dry on Their Own’ and we open with them seated on the Susanna Reid memorial sofa. Louise even pushes Kevin and everything. On ITT they said this was a 60s-themed dance, although their costuming is borderline 50s/60s and I’m pretty sure there’s a Wonderbra going on, going on Louise’s suddenly fuller frontage, which is very 90s, with a song that’s very 2000s. Sidenote: All four of Kevin’s foxtrots have been retro, and three of them have started sitting down (although in Kellie’s, he was standing). There’s a bit of muckin abaht at the start with her doing the reeling in the fishing line move and there’s another random part half way through where they break genre, but otherwise, it’s your average Kevin Clifton old-fashioned romantic foxtrot. All very lovely and twee and well-danced but leaving you wanting a fiery paso or random witchy tango.

Craig really enjoyed it and calls it clean, engaging, gorgeous. Darcey loved the storytelling and the way she extends – but she thinks Louise is a natural dancer (RINGAH) and Kevin can push her further. Len compliments her excellent footwork but says she got a little too far on Kevin’s right side and her arm had to stretch a bit and then he snarks at people not to boo COS HE’S JUS’ TRUTH TELLIN’. Bruno calls it a soap opera to music. Clearly Bruno hasn’t been watching the same soaps as me, because it’s all hot air balloon crash followed by Surprise! Catholic priest sex and drunk doctors drilling holes in people’s heads and possibly killing them ooops these days. And that was just ten minutes of Tuesday’s Neighbours. [Maybe he's been watching EastEnders, where it's all about fortnightly bin collections. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium we are reminded that Louise TRIES VERY HARD and is also a mum. Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 for a total of 33 and their highest score. In the background, Karen looks very sad. Awww. Claudia cues up Daisy and Aljaž later by saying they’re dancing to George Michael and Daisy got chocolate on her top. She was careless with her Wispa. OY.

Danny and Oti now and Tess leans on the judges’ table, the act of standing having proved too tiring during a long show like this one. And she sets up Danny’s next storyline (as trailered all week on ITT) – has he ‘coup de’ peaked too soon? Their VT hasn’t quite got that message yet, though, so instead sends him to badly conduct an orchestra and make some terrible Bruce-level puns that he looks so embarrassed by he’s almost crying.

Their quickstep is to ‘I Won’t Dance’ and by god is it glorious. It opens with him (in full tails) as a conductor doing some showboating solo work up on the stage, before a neat move where he and Oti dance with their backs to each other before coming into hold, at first holding the baton and then disposing of it with the neatest sleight of hand deployed by a celeb on this show in… well, probably ever. It’s super-fast and joyous and energetic and mostly smooth (his upper body framing is maybe a touch loose) and he’s such a mega-ringer it’s ridiculous, but it’s so enjoyable nonetheless.

Tess declares it amazing and complicated and Darcey calls it pure class, outstanding, with him leading Oti across the floor, which is HARD FOR A MALE CELEBRITY and calls it one of the best classic quicksteps she’s seen. Len snarks that ‘up on there’ got on his wick but when he got on the dancefloor it was good. Bruno compares it to a Hollywood movie (yet again) and asks if they missed something before retracting his comment. Craig says he’s on fire and applauds him. I’m sensing some 10s maybe?

In the Clauditorium, Claudia tells us Danny’s mum dresses her dogs as Danny and we see a picture of them in top hat and tails. The Sewing Bee is calling! If it’s still allowed to be on in these post-C4 days anyway. Scores: four 9s for a total of 36 and probably what it deserves, but I’m surprised Darcey didn’t whip out her 10 for it.

Now Daisy and Aljaž and Daisy says the best part of their Mary Poppins dance was when she clicked her fingers and he appeared… ie not the actual dancing. I’m not sure if she’s being TV humble or just in love with the show’s gimmicks. Other than that, their VT is super boring and she’s going to have to get a gimmick if she wants to avoid a shock boot.

Their rumba is to ‘Careless Whisper’ which seems to be a fraction too fast, meaning the dance feels a little unusual for its genre, as we don’t get the long, drawn-out poses (her dress, by the way, has its ‘flesh’ panels made of fabric that is far too orange – even a TOWIE level of tan would look pale against it, so it dulls the mood a little). Aljaž may not be in white trousers, for a change, but they’re still snugly fitted, for those keeping notes on such things. They’re dancing in the centre of a circle of lights which helps keep focus on them and lends it a sultry mood. The technique here is very good – her modelling physique comes into its own as she stretches her legs and they go on forever. It’s also much, much more varied than Anastacia and Brendan’s. It is possibly a little too fast to feel truly romantic, but it’s an enjoyable routine for the most part.

Len says it’s a difficult dance and he loves that she elongates her body and is precise in her movements. Bruno says it featured every single rumba step and it was just spectacular. He says there was one point where the flow stopped a little but other than that, it was what you’d want to see in every rumba. Craig says her free arm lacked a little direction and definition – it was wafting rather than having strength and resistance and it lacked a little chemistry/emotional connection. Darcey disagrees with this and says Darcey used her whole body and its difficult to sustain the balance in the long, languid moves she was executing.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says she heard Daisy say this week that it was the best experience of her life. Daisy says that it is. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31 and I thought they were gearing up for some 9s – but then I feel like the scores have landed a little lower than the comments all night.

Judge Rinder and Oksana now. He looks back over Darcey’s comments that he’s cute and Oksana says it means she has competition. He says he never imagined two women competing for him. He says they’re dancing to ‘Boom Bangy Bang’ (as if he doesn’t know) by BLOODY LULU and pulls the requisite face for that announcement. Other than that, they’re doing a Viennese Waltz, so you can guess how the VT goes from here… At least we’re spared another wind tunnel.

Their dance opens with Oksana, in full milkmaid gear, milking a cow, whilst Rinder, in authentic-looking lederhosen (and a less authentic looking stripy PJ top) arrives with milk pails over his shoulder. I’m not sure I imagined Tulips From Amsterdam being out-tweed but here we have it, although it’s being played slightly more for laughs. Indeed, it’s the kind of routine that would feel very much at home in panto (and I can see him doing the panto circuit in time). His face is till going some, although more cheesy-grinning than full on gurning. It’s not too bad a routine, as comedy ones go – more Mark Benton than Ed Balls, I would say.

Bruno says it showed he can do restrained facial expressions (…ish). Craig says it didn’t make his heart go boom bang a bang but the facial expressions were improving, for a while. He thinks there might be a delicious dancer hidden underneath it all. Darcey says he’s great in hold, but doesn’t want him to over-exaggerate when he comes out of hold as she can see him overthinking. Len says he has a good balance between good dancing and fun. Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Lesley and Anton now. Their VT takes the Aliona route of a quick jolly for the pro as they rehearse in Malta, where she’s filming what looks to be the Christmas special of Birds of a Feather and he asks her to rehearse in front of the cast. She basically tells him where to go before doing it anyway and we discover that Linda’n’Pauline call her ‘Les’. Nice.

They’re Charlestoning to ‘Won’t You Charleston With Me’ and the range of Charleston steps utilised is fairly minimal, presumably due to the busy filming schedule and flying, but what is there is energetic and delivered with a sense of fun. Some of it could be more precise, but it’s damn fine for a woman of 71, with some fab high kicks, and after I took a little warming up, I am living for this partnership now. Anton seems to actually be having fun for a change, now we don’t need to put him through either ‘poor Anton’ or ‘Anton’s BEST partner ever no honest we mean it this time’ any longer. The audience really, really love this one.

Craig says it was shocking – shockingly good- she has amazing stamina and it was strong and vibrant, the swivel and cross lost it a bit at the end, but he loved it. Darcey says she brings a ‘cheeky, naughty little girl’ to it and somewhere Claudia F weeps at her future. Len wishes her a happy birthday and says it was her best dance. Bruno says she always delivers and was the perfect gangster moll, looking like a 20-year old, with great timing, high performance value and great placing.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says Anton’s having the time of his life and Lesley says it’s been a hectic week for her and they welcome Lesley’s daughter in the audience, whom Lesley outs as being pregnant. Let’s hope that wasn’t a secret. Scores: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31 and Anton calls her a dream. This pair could be the surprise success of the series.

Ore and Joanne are in the pimps slot following their success last week. Their VT mentions how they did well last week so to up the game, they need to go to Wembley to rehearse their jive in football gear. Because… kicks, apparently. And he presents sports?

Their jive is to ‘Runaway Baby’ and it’s super-fast and energetic, and those of us who saw Ore’s ‘Hey Ya’ were looking forward to seeing this from him – he is very limber, so his legwork is great, the performance frenetic and whilst it doesn’t have the gimmick of the newly blessed Jive of St Jay Peace Be Upon It, it’s a damn good classic example of the genre.  If I’m being picky, Joanne’s doing too much skirt swishing, but I’ll give the girl a break as she’s put the props down (in a week where most other people were using them). I feel breathless just watching that.

Darcey loves it and is astonished by the pace and the high standard. Len calls it ‘show stopping, jaw dropping, eye popping’ and ‘move over Jay’. At this stage I’m thinking it’s Ore vs Danny for the trophy with the third finalist being a woman? (Daisy, Louise… possibly Lesley as an outside bet?).  

Bruno says it’s joined the ‘holy trinity’. Guessing that’s now to be known as Jill, Jay and Jo (sorry Ore, but you don’t alliterate). Craig says Danny had better watch it as Ore’s now the one to beat. See, told you. I can see why they didn’t give Danny 10s now, they were clearly waiting for this one. Scores: 9, 10 (delivered in the usual obnoxious way Darcey delivers her first 10 of the series), 10, 10 for a total of 39 and they’re both in tears of unbelief, Ore especially. Claudia asks him if he’s alright and he blubs ‘I’m not!’ Aww. And after a shaky start, Jo’s last two dances are really repaying our hope that she could do something great given a good partner. [Agreed - I was a bit worried at first but I think Joanne is really delivering now, and I love this partnership. - Steve] Claudia declares it better than her own wedding.

Leaderboard:

1. Ore and Joanne - 39

2. Danny and Oti - 36

3=. Laura and Giovanni - 33

3=. Louise and Kevin - 33

5=. Daisy and Aljaž - 31

5=. Lesley and Anton - 31

7. Claudia and AJ - 30

8. Greg and Natalie - 28

9=. Anastacia and Brendan - 27

9=. Judge Rinder and Oksana - 27

11. Naga and Pasha - 24

12. Ed and Katya - 16

That’s looking like the judges have pushed Laura and Giovanni towards safety, with Anastacia and Naga at risk (possibly Ed, but I suspect he’ll hang on until Halloween at least), and Claudia and Greg on the edge of SHOCK! BOTTOM! TWO! Danger. Join me tomorrow to see who actually goes!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- The tweets about Tameka leaving make it sound like she’s died.
- Tameka is going to try and slip some cha cha cha into EastEnders.
- Tameka is disappointed she didn’t do a cha cha or a rumba. Possibly the first person ever who is sad they didn’t get to do a rumba?
- Tameka’s a tissue-under-each-eye-when-crying kind of lady.
- Gorka is going to keep dancing. Isn’t that usually the celeb’s line?
- Lesley’s rehearsal wig looked like that time Monica in Friends was made over to look like Dudley Moore.
- Ore managed to eat loads of glitter in rehearsing their dance.
- Louise has always wanted to have crimped hair [Curls, Steve. Do we need to revoke your superfan status? – Rad] [I never claimed to be a fan of 80s hairstyles! - Steve]
 - Gorka pinned Aljaž to the wall and handcuffed him. WHAT? WE’RE JUST REPORTING WHAT HAPPENED.
- Brendan is a gentle giant.
- Anastacia thought they were the ‘bottom feeders’ and was planning what steps to improve on in the dance-off when they were waiting to be called.
- A German viewer tweeting proves that Anastacia has WORLDWIDE appeal.
- Anastacia felt ‘Princessipal’ when dancing.
- Anastacia says she didn’t wake up looking like a Princess. Brendan says she did. SCANDAL!
- It took an hour and a half for three women to make-up Brendan in the bald cap, and his dressing gown got less and less concealing as it went on. Ooo-err.
- Anastacia thinks the rumba is like a slow and passionate cha cha.
- Karen Hardy loves the smell of the ballroom.
- Zoe thinks Karen Hardy is basically Norma Desmond.
- Karen Hardy thinks salsa should be earthy and edgy and ‘just a bit off’. Remind us never to go round her house for nachos.
- Danny’s posture is annoying Karen H.
- Karen H was loving the Will vs Len drama.
- ‘Armology’ has joined ‘armography’ in this show’s armoury of arm-y adjectives (ssssh I know they’re nouns but that’s not alliterative).
- Daisy spent the week trying to dress like Mary Poppins and role played Aljaž’s nanny. We’d like to… etc etc.
- Aljaž doing a cute little clap at his footwork being called ‘neat’ is everything.
- Aljaž’s partners, except Alison, have all scored 90 or higher as a cumulative total of the first three weeks, meaning he’s had almost as many ringers as Kevin Clifton.
- Aljaž does not like to be reminded that he’s not had a lot of luck with the rumba.
- Aljaž blames his and Abbey’s rumba hitting the bottom two on Halloween, because he scares easily.
- Daisy’s little sister is sad she’s too young to come and watch the show live, but there’s a children’s day around Children in Need time, assuming Daisy is still in at that point.
- Tuesday is the most productive day of the week.
- Len basically cursed Laura and Giovanni by saying they’d be around for ages.
- Laura ripped her tights during the dance but kept a second pair backstage in case they ended up in the dance-off, which proved to be quite fortuitous.
- Giovanni tells Laura how amazing he is every day.
- Giovanni has been drilling into Laura’s hips. Or words to that effect, anyway.
- Zoe is trying to spin the idea that being in the bottom two in week three is a good thing, as three couples who were in the bottom two that early made the final. Two of them were in series one and two, however, which only went on for about six weeks anyway, and the other couple was Simon and Kristina in series 12 who were dragged there against public indifference by the judges.
- There is a dance to BLOODY LULU this week. It doesn’t involve Brendan, though. He’s probably just having palpitations at the thought.
- Pasha lying on the floor blowing a big pink horn is not quite as attractive as we’d expect.
- There’s going to be a big pro dance homage to James Brown this weekend.
 - Anton was there at the birth of hip-hop.
- Giovanni and Katya have problems with singing in time and in tune.
- Karen H is joining in the patronising of ‘Little AJ’.
- New professionals bring new choreography.
- No-one likes a soggy meringue.
- Karen H doesn’t want to see good tricks and complicated moves early on in the run.
- Louise needs to lock in her legs.
- Karen Hardy is disappearing to New Zealand for a couple of weeks. No word on who’s replacing her in Khoreography Korner, but Chloe’s busy doing very little, so if she just Kardashians-up her name…
- Naga wasn’t flustered when her buckle got caught because Pasha had given her a lot of drilling the week before. He could drill… [OK WE GET IT – The readers]
- Pasha thinks Naga gave a ‘tangolicious’ performance.
- Pasha is using his ‘special stick’ to get Naga to focus on him. *Fans self*
- There are no harnesses in Pasha and Naga’s Charleston.
 - There is, however, another wig. And their first lifts of the series.
- Ian likes to draw attention to Ore’s groin area.
- Louise is currently leading with her toes, not her heels.
- Ian has always wanted to be a Barbara Streisand impersonator.
- The Strictly team are the best green make-up team in the business. Which might explain how often Poor Pasha gets covered in the stuff.
- Katya thinks Ed looked pretty in green mascara.
- Jeremy Vine is obsessed with Ed.
- Ed Miliband thinks Ed Balls is a national treasure, which might explain the state of the Labour party around the time of the last election.
- Ed was demonstrating his cape work at home to his family and sent the crockery flying.
- Ian is gutted no-one pointed out how good Greg’s feet were last week, especially as they’re looking very flat this week.
- Naga needs to set her face alight. Bit harsh, Ian.
- Ian thinks Ed and Katya were grossly undermarked last week, especially the pot-stir move.
- Ian thinks Ed’s paso walk is currently a cross between Larry Grayson and Frankie Howerd.
- Oti and Danny never got their dance right in rehearsals. Allegedly.
- Danny did his own stunts on Hollyoaks.
- Danny was stressed all week about his dance. Oti was not.
- Oti doesn’t compliment Danny all week.
- Danny’s Len impression is about a 5/10.
- Danny is enjoying the quickstep, whereas he was stressing for his previous dances, so he’s worried it might go wrong. He better not be as ‘Meh Nehves’ as Abbey Clancy or we’ll go off him before the series ends.
- Judge Rinder wanted to have another go at the Charleston. (What, in the dance-off?)
- Judge Rinder was so excited that he didn’t drop Oksana on the show, after dropping her head in rehearsal, that he forgot the next step. - Oksana had never been dropped before.
- Judge Rinder wants to try bum bongos with Zoe. She thinks she might need a mouth guard and some pillows. Far too much information for a pre-watershed show.
- Judge Rinder thinks he looks like a mildly frightened Edwina Currie in his Fred Flintstone wig.
- Danny is more excited about his quickstep than any of their previous dances.
- In a tribute to former Come Dancing judge, Peggy Spencer, who died earlier this year (damn you 2016 etc), we learned: how she began teaching young men to dance during the war; that Ian Waite was delighted when she knew his name; that she implored Karen H to keep her head up and smile; that Karen H had some fierce 80s hair; that she once did some SAME SEX DANCING on Blue Peter; that she was still teaching dance from her wheelchair into her 90s; that she would mark the competitors when watching Strictly.
- Vicky Gill found making a Viennese Waltz Milkmaid (for Oksana) a difficult challenge, despite half of Pixie Lott’s outfits looking remarkably like that.
- Chloe is coming in handy as a model for Lisa in make-up.  Glad they're using her time productively.
- Lisa’s an eyes-before-face maker-upper.
- A lot of the pairings seem to be colour-coordinating their training outfits.
- The American Smooth was one of the quickest routines for Jo to put together.
- Gene Kelly’s widow loved Jo and Ore’s dance and wants to meet them.
- The jive is the dance Ore always wanted to do.
- Lesley's mum was playing tennis into her nineties.
- Apparently movie week was Anton’s best week in ages. So we’re already denying that he made the final last year?
- Lesley is working 14-15 hour days right now.
- People complain about Lesley always wearing the same trousers in training every day, but she does wash them at night.
- Friday was Lesley’s 71st birthday and they bought her an Anton cake and balloon.
- Joanne has amazing abs.
- Jeremy Vine is sad that Will and Karen have left. Well, Karen, anyway.
- Zoe’s mum is a Marian Keyes fan.
- Laura thinks being in the dance-off has given her confidence, but Jeremy Vine thinks it will have made her nervous.
- Marian Keyes thinks Naga should be happier at getting to look at Pasha’s little Pasha face and hearing his little Pasha voice all day.
- Jeremy Vine thinks Charleston is the hardest dance to learn.
- Marian Keyes hates the rumba as it brings her out in a full body sweat because it’s aiming for ‘sensual’ and lands on ‘cringey’.
- One of the pros told Jeremy Vine to watch out for the rumba because it makes people angry.
- Marian Keyes thinks Ore is a ‘real Strictly person’.
- Jeremy Vine is ‘big into Ed Balls’.
- The judges watch your feet, but the audience watch your face.
- Jeremy Vine thinks Ed and Katya will make the final.
- Kevin’s birthday was yesterday and he went for a meal with Louise and Jamie, Frankie and her husband, Karen and some friends. He got a shirt and the new FIFA game. Good to see that Karen actually remembered to get him anything, considering what came out on All Star Mr & Mrs.
- Louise apologised to Kevin for getting a 7.
- Kevin and Louise will be doing a 60s-themed dance. Maybe he’ll hit the 2010s in a few weeks’ time at this rate.
- Anastacia is freaked out about the rumba because ‘every step is seen’.
- All of a sudden, rumba is HARDER FOR LADIES. It’s like the entire logic of this show has crumbled.
- Daisy thinks they don’t want her to look too sexy for her rumba.
- Greg thinks he’s ‘a bit of a wally’.
- One of Greg and Natalie’s lifts went very wrong and he tore something in his wrist.
- Natalie says they were doing the most epic lifts ever seen in a salsa, but they’ve had to take out the really good ones after Greg’s injury so WE WILL NEVER KNOW.
- Laura has a galaxy-print dressing gown.
- Laura's mum has been bringing her iron tablets.
- Claudia can only watch her performances back once.
- All the female celebs keep standing on the male pros’ feet in training.
- The show would like your home videos, BUT ONLY IN PORTRAIT mode.
- Lesley has taken to wearing her training tops inside out, but it isn’t clear if this is to hide some sort of logo or just sartorial accident.
- Greg’s a grower. Ooh-err.
- Marian Keyes’ husband is a little too fond of Daisy.
- LA PRENJ loves Judge Rinder. Quelle surprise.
- Marian Keyes wants Danny and Oti to get worse and go wrong on purpose because he’s too good and it’s boring.
- Jeremy Vine thinks Danny and Oti will win.
- LA PRENJ thinks Danny will be in danger this week because people will think he’s safe; Jeremy and Marian think Anastacia.
- A ‘small part’ of Greg has fallen in love with dancing.
- Gethin thinks Gorka, Aljaž and Giovanni should form a group called GAG. Who knew that was his kink?
- Boybands give a lot of love. (Actually, we probably knew that already.)
- Aljaž and Daisy and Giovanni and Laura went to see a dance competition in the Royal Albert Hall this week and Laura got really bored.
- If LA PRENJ did the show, her partner would be Anton. It’s not clear if this is who she’d choose or who she expects she’d get given.
- The singer from The Vamps looks a bit like AJ
- Blogger doesn’t give you any way to restore draft posts, so we lost several days’ content by accident. Stupid Blogger.

Tameka-ing your mind up

Week 3: Top 14 Results (Movie Week) - 9 October 2016

We begin with a pro routine to 'Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic', starring Giovanni as a cleaner at a movie studio who dreams of being a big star like Aljaž and Joanne, who are the leads in a big romantic movie about...dancing through the library in a stately home. Then Giovanni somehow imagines himself into the movie, all sharply dressed, shoves Aljaž right out the door (poor Aljaž, he really is getting pushed around a lot this year) and takes over as Joanne's dance partner. But it turns out that this is all just a fantasy and Giovanni is kissing his broom (not a euphemism), much to the disgust of arriving bigshot Hollywood director Anton Du Beke and his put-upon assistant Katya. A lovelorn Giovanni watches Joanne walk past, and then Aljaž walks up to him and is a dick for no reason. The rest of the pros run in for a big dance scene and Giovanni continues to dance with his mop until Anton and Katya shoo him off their set. Aljaž continues to glower at Giovanni because he's a rich, handsome douchebag and that's what they do, until Giovanni chucks his mop at Anton before walking off, coming back in his suit and doing exactly what he did in his fantasy, grabbing Aljaž and pulling him in for a deep sensual ki--oh hang on, that's what he did in my fantasy. In his fantasy, he just chucked Aljaž off set, which is what he does here. Joanne's a little shocked but soon realises he's a keeper, and then Anton walks on all "I like that kid's moxie!" and then we see Douchebag Aljaž who's now the cleaner outside the studio, staring forlornly at the poster of Giovanni and Joanne. Even though in real life he'd be getting his own back by making up stories about Giovanni for his wife's autobiography and tweeting pointless incendiary crap all over Twitter every Saturday and then being all "hey guys don't forget to RT if you want me to do this again next week xxx".

Tess and Claudia arrive, having switched outfits and indeed colour schemes from "last night" - Tess is now in black and Claudia is now in white, which means Tess is the evil twin this time. Also, Claudia's dress looks a bit hospital gown-ish, and I say that as someone who recently had to wear one so I speak from experience. The judges return, with Darcey having also switched to the dark side if anyone's keeping score. Tess tells us that also tonight, Michael Ball and Alfie Boe will also be performing somewhere from West Side Story. Yes, Tess, but where? (Ho ho ho.)

Onward, to the recap of last night's episode, wherein I shall only recap the new material: Janette is acting as our backstage guide, Naga thinks the atmosphere backstage is great because everyone's dancing to films that they love, Daisy can't wait, Ore thinks this is what it's all about, Anastacia says that the show goes on, Louise points out that the pressure is on everyone now, Claudia (F) tells us about the big queue for hair and make-up, Laura and AJ are pleased with their hairdos, Will likes the costumes, Craig declares this his favourite week of all time, and Hot Greg The Floor Manager invites everyone onto the set. Darcey wants plenty of sparkle, Len loves a night at the pictures, Ed does an impression of The Mask and Greg (Rutherford) cracks up. After the dance, Brendan congratulates Anastacia on a good comeback. Gorka tells Tameka he's very proud of her, Judge Rinder thinks it's "inevitable" that Craig has finally come to enjoy his face, Naga has still got nerves to battle but vows to conquer them, Ed does another The Mask impression, Louise had the time of her life out there (DIRTY BIT), Aljaž gives Daisy a big hug, Greg gives Natalie a big hug, Danny and Oti are very excited about their nines, Ore asks for a tissue, and Claudia is very excited about her nines while AJ is still cleaning whipped cream off his face.

Tess is holding the Cue Cards Of Doom, so let's see which couples are definitely safe and through to next week's show: Claudia and AJ, Judge Rinder and Oksana, Danny and Oti, Ed and Katya, Naga and Pasha, and Louise and Kevin. The first couple in the dance-off? Laura and Giovanni. There's a gasp of shock from the audience, and while I always thought she'd probably be the first "shock bottom two appearance" of the series, I didn't expect it to happen quite this early. Tess asks her what's going through her head right now, and Laura says she just has to go out there again and give it everything. Craig advises her not to give too much more because it was all there already, and she just needs to try to be more fluid. He tells her she's a wonderful dancer, and he can't believe she's in this situation.

From there, we go up to the Clauditorium to join the saved couples thus far: Louise admits to loudly screaming in Kevin's ear when they were declared safe (not that I noticed), Claudia reveals that Ed will dancing a paso doble to Bonnie Tyler next week and Ed reveals that he's going to be playing a man boldly rescuing a princess from a dragon. Ooh, is the dragon Bonnie Tyler? That sounds fun. Claudia (W) asks Claudia (F) if she felt safe being at the top of the leaderboard, and Claudia (F) replies that it doesn't feel safe in the slightest, and she's just praying that the public will vote. Danny has the quickstep next week, and says he will be as fast as Oti wants him to be. Judge Rinder is asked to indicate how excited he is about getting through by the medium of facial muscles alone, and Naga admits that she thought she was in the dance-off, but the public have been so supportive, and she says she's really pleased to be here. And despite the claims from some people I've seen that she's clearly hating every minute, she does seem fairly sincere in that. I guess Naga's just like me, and she has resting "I hate this" face.

Next: Michael Ball and Alfie Boe sing 'Somewhere' from West Side Story while Anton and Joanne dance beautifully in front of them. I'd rather it was the Pet Shop Boys on vocals, but you can't have everything. [Loved the dancing.  HATED the racket of these two trying to out-alpha male each other and pretend that it wasn't a bit gay them singing to each other by studiously avoiding eye contact or even trying to sing in a manner that complemented one another.  Should have just done some Les Mis - Rad]

Now, what we're missing this evening is some real in-depth nuanced, critical discourse, but never mind, we've got Len's Lens instead! Claudia treats us to the Brunocam during Louise's cha cha cha, throwing his arms around like a three-year-old working off his first espresso. There's some moderate insight as Claudia uses the slo-mo footage to show us what the coup de pique in Danny's paso and the fishtail in Lesley's quickstep looked like, and Len demonstrates them for us into the bargain, so there's your "educate" part of the BBC remit for the weekend. Darcey explains why she wasn't that happy with the lifts in Greg's American smooth, which apparently comes down to how you have to "hide the attack [...] not show any effort", so I think basically what she wants to see is a ninja hipster. Or a hipster ninja, I don't know if they're separate things. Then, of course, we must look at Judge Rinder's ever-animated face, this time in its charleston form, and Craig valiantly attempts to explain why the faces were appropriate this time but is drowned out by Claudia, Darcey and Bruno squawking at the hilarity of it all. Claudia then asks Craig to pull the appropriate faces for rumba, tango and charleston, all of which seem to necessitate having some sort of invisible fishhook in one or both eyebrows. Now I want you all to go and practice that in the mirror and be prepared to perform it for the whole class next week.

Back over to Tess now, with the good or bad news for the seven remaining couples. Safe and through to next week are: Ore and Joanne, Greg and Natalie, Daisy and Aljaž, Will and Karen, and Anastacia and Brendan (which is quite the surprise to Anastacia, let me tell you). So that leaves Lesley and Anton, and Tameka and Gorka, waiting to learn which of them is in the dance-off. The couple in the dance-off is...Tameka and Gorka, surprisingly [I was not that surprised at Laura but I was surprised at this - Rad]. My favourite part of this comes after the announcement, when Lesley turns to Anton looking very confused and asks "are we out or are we through?" I can't even begin to imagine what goes through your mind when you're standing up there, so I can totally believe that you tune out everything apart from the names and, having been left until the very end, have no understanding of whether something very good has happened or something very bad has happened.

Tess asks Tameka if she's disappointed to be in this position, and Tameka says yes she is, but they're at that point in the competition now where somebody has to go home - but she doesn't want it to be her, so she's going to "pull out what I can" in the dance-off. Good job this isn't live, otherwise I think the production gallery would be frantically looking through the compliance rules and wondering how you handle a pre-watershed nip slip. Tess then goes "aww, bless you! Shall we ask this little lot?" like she's talking to a particularly slow-developing child, and then asks Len what advice he has for Tameka. Len advises her to lift her ribcage a bit to improve her posture, but says she's not to worry if she can't, because she should just do what she's good at, and that's perform. "The back injury ain't gonna hurt me this time, I'm gonna hurt it," vows Tameka.

Before we get to the nasty business of elimination, however, there's a brief period of celebration with the six remaining couples up in the Clauditorium. Ore says that he's overwhelmed that they're going to get to dance again, and that the reason he got so emotional after the performance is because he knew how much it meant to Jo, who is "already one of my best mates". D'awww. Then Claudia and Daisy have a giggle over how absolutely shit-scared Daisy gets during the elimination each week, though at least now she has firm proof that she's more popular than Laura (they don't actually discuss that last bit). Daisy does the inevitable "we're all family, we don't want to see anyone go home bit" and Anastacia tells the viewers at home that she loves them for saving her. Then it's over to Greg who reveals that he is doing another dance with lifts next week (salsa? Charleston? Argentine tango? None of those fill me with confidence, to be honest) and Claudia jokes that he could probably just lift up the whole sofa with his little finger, and Greg's all "don't joke with me, Winkleman, I'm up for that". Then Lesley explains to Claudia that she wasn't really sure until she was led up to the Clauditorium that she actually was safe, and finally Claudia reveals that Will has the Viennese waltz next week, and also makes fun of the way Will stares at his feet during the results. They're a very nervous lot this year.

After a quick trailer for It Takes Two, it's time for the dance-off. Giovanni advises Laura to do it just like she did before, because he really enjoyed it. And also the dancing. They go down to take their positions and Tameka says that she's going to try and get her framing right this time around, and Gorka says that he has been proud of her from the very first day, and then they high-five. Well, this is all enormously depressing.

Laura and Giovanni go first, reprising their salsa. It's more or less the same as it was the first time out, and Laura's dancing it with gusto, but it could still do with more hip action, and she still doesn't quite pull off the over-the-shoulder lift. After that, Tameka and Gorka perform their tango for a second time, with Gorka removing his hat voluntarily this time, although it sits rather awkwardly in the middle of the floor throughout and I'm constantly worried one of them is going to slip on it. Tameka's really giving it her all as well, though there are still some problems with her frame, and she does seem to lose her balance in one of the turns. It's a tough one: they both have potential and you could make a case for keeping (or losing) either of them.

Over to the judges, who will be voting on the dance-off alone. Apparently. Craig says that it's a nightmare and he doesn't feel like he's been in this position before, but he thought Laura and Giovanni bettered their performance from the night before, so he votes to save them. Darcey notes that she marked them both the same in the performance show, and that they both improved in the dance-off, but she thought the stronger focus and intent came from Tameka and Gorka. Bruno thinks they're both fantastic and they shouldn't be in the dance-off, but out of the two, the standout was Laura and Giovanni. So it's over to Head Judge Len for the casting vote - he doesn't think either of them should be here either, "but that's the nature of the thing", but he felt the more polished performance came from Laura and Giovanni, so Tameka and Gorka are out.

Gorka drops down to his knees (steady on) and applauds Tameka as the audience get to their feet and Tess tells her it's all been too brief. Tameka agrees that it has been, and says that she's been very grateful to be a part of the whole experience. Gorka thanks her for being such an amazing partner and teaching him so many things. Tameka adds very pointedly that Gorka is such a lovely person and such an asset to the show, i.e. don't you dare Trent him Louise Rainbow. She tells him that she loves him, and he is not to change. I hope by that she means "stay in that police uniform forever", because that would be fine by me.

The band strike up 'My Heart Will Go On' and Tameka and Gorka take the floor for their last dance. He swings her around and around and she stumbles to her feet, then Tameka hikes up her skirt to reveal that her knee is all bandaged up, just to show us what she's been through for this show, and then we cut to the post-elimination confessionals: a tearful Laura says that Tameka is unbelievable, and this has all just become very real. Judge Rinder is really crushed, Daisy thinks no one is safe, Louise thinks each week is a bonus, Karen is grateful to have survived, Lesley can smile again, Ore is thrilled to be in the top three on week three, Claudia is delighted to be through, and believe it or not so is Naga, Danny's pleased that he made it, Ed isn't quite sure how he's going to top this, Natalie's buzzing for next week, Anastacia will be doing a rumba and that's a wrap on movie week - the third movie week in a row where we've lost one of our new pros. Guess there's a new Strictly curse in town...

Box office numbers

Week 3: Top 14 Perform (Movie Week) - 8 October 2016

Voiceover Tess tells us that last week there were successes (Claudia, Lesley, Daisy, Laura, Ed, Greg, Tameka, Judge Rinder and Danny, if the clips shown under this are indicative) and setbacks (Naga, Will - whose presence in this list I find deeply surprising even if I personally didn't think his jive was up to much [I am commenting on Tuesday and now I am wondering about ALL THE REASONS - Rad] - Melvin, and everything surrounding Anastacia). Melvin was eliminated and the show would clearly prefer not to focus on the exact manner in which he was eliminated thank you please.

Now, it's Movie Week! So the stars of our show join Tess and Claudia for a mock film junket where they'll be talking about Strictly Come Dancing: The Movie and pretending to be pretentious arty types when of course we know they're absolutely nothing of the sort in real life, ha ha ha, no seriously don't shake my hand, we'll have to delay the entire production if I get sick, and for the love of god I ordered a pumpkin spice latte not this apple-cinnamon crap! You're fired! You'll never work in Borehamwood again! Where's Meredith? Someone call Meredith! I am out of here!

Titles. I think Daisy casually shoving Aljaž out of the shot is my favourite part of the sequence this year. What's yours? Tell us in the comments! (This is not a transparent plea for comments, I'm genuinely interested to hear.)

We open with a big group number soundtracked by the iconic movie tunes, beginning with 'The Sound Of Music' from, er, The Sound of Music, starring Natalie as Maria Rainer and Anastacia, Lesley and Tameka as the disapproving nuns and Louise, Ore, Claudia and Danny as the Von Trapp children, which is hilarious as a visual in a way I can't properly render in words, sorry. We then segue into the title track from Oklahoma!, featuring Ed and Greg as cowboys and honestly in giving us Cowboy Greg this show has given me everything I could possibly want from this evening and it's only been on for about four minutes. Good work, everyone. Oh, and Laura and Neil take on the roles of Laurey and Curly (I assume, I don't actually know Oklahoma! very well). Then it's on to The King And I starring Brendan in a bald cap as the King of Siam (and if you think this is the most cringeworthy piece of whitewashing we'll see tonight, boy have I got news for you) and Daisy as Anna Leonowens, and after that it's Carousel, which is a film I know even less about than Oklahoma!, but I can tell you that Will, Natalie, Naga and Judge Rinder play, erm, the main characters and then everyone assembles to take a bow. Blimey. Credit where it's due: even taking out of consideration all the choreography and costuming that went into it, that looks like it was a massive logistical exercise and something that took quite a while to film, so very well done to everyone involved on making it look so effortless, and also my commisserations to the studio audience who probably had to sit there with very numb bottoms for half an hour or so before the live show even started. (To those of you who wonder why I don't apply for live show tickets: this is why. I'm sure the atmosphere is lovely but I just couldn't handle the length of time you have to sit with no bathroom breaks or opportunities to stretch your legs.)

The dancers depart, and Tess and Claudia arrive. Tess is mostly in white with black accenting, and Claudia is entirely in black, and they've both gone for off-the-right-shoulder, which looks rather nice. Birds Of A Feather watch: both Linda Robson and Pauline Quirke are here tonight supporting Lesley, although Pauline will of course be nipping out after the show to vote for everyone. Tess tells us to expect action, drama and a little bit of romance, and Claudia points out that they will of course need the critics. Thanks guys! I'm so glad to know that you appreciate what we d--oh, you mean the judges. Fair enough. If Craig does his spins tonight, we don't get to see it because he's off camera the whole time apart from when his name's announced and when the four of them all come together at the end.

Claudia tells us that tonight the couples will be dancing to some of the best-known movie songs of all time (and also to 'A Thousand Years' from Twilight: Breaking Wind Part 1), and here they are: Louise and Kevin as Alex Owens and Nick Hurley, Judge Rinder and Oksana as Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Lesley and Anton as Hannah Brown and Don Hewes, Claudia and AJ as Blousey Brown and Bugsy Malone, Ore and Joanne as Don Lockwood and Kathy Selden, Daisy and Aljaž as Mary Poppins and Bert, Will and Karen as Jamal Malik and Latika (told you), Naga and Pasha as Claire Phelps (I guess?) and Ethan Hunt, Greg and Natalie as Robin of Locksley and Marian Dubois, Tameka and Gorka as Jenny Summers and Axel Foley, Ed and Katya as Stanley Ipkiss/The Mask and Tina Carlyle, Laura and Giovanni as Satine and Christian, Danny and Oti as Alejandro Murrieta and Elena Montero, and finally Anastacia and Brendan as Belladoraklutz Swan and Sparkles Cullen. There's a bit more engagement with the final sting of the music this week with Will and Karen getting their Bollywood wave on, Judge Rinder and Oksana actually doing a dip, and Louise giving us a high kick. Better, but we still want more. Step it up, guys.

No time to mess around (well, no more time to mess around), so it's over to Daisy and Aljaž to start the show with a Mary Poppins quickstep. Daisy says that she was really scared last week because it was an elimination week, but she really enjoyed the dance. She jokingly berates Aljaž for causing trouble last week with the illegal lift (despite acknowledging on It Takes Two during the week that not only was the lift knowingly illegal, but that it was meant to be even liftier and that she'd kind of fucked it up) and Aljaž is all "yup, no more of those". In training, Aljaž gives Daisy an umbrella and does a vague attempt at a Cockney accent, and Daisy tells him that she hopes his choreography is better than his Dick. Van Dyke. Daisy uses her newfound magical powers to tidy up their training room (is she available for domestic cleaning? I could really use the help) and Aljaž does his very best Adorable Surprise face right down the camera. I love Aljaž so much. Daisy says that the quickstep is very fast and complicated, but she's really enjoying it. Aljaž says it will be practically perfect in every way, of course.

They're dancing to 'A Spoonful Of Sugar', and they do a bit of schtick with Mary's bottomless handbag to start the routine off before bouncing into a light, energetic quickstep. The footwork is neat and the body contact is good (much better than Abbey Clancy's was, not that I'm still angry about that or anything) - my only real criticism is that Daisy's smile seems very 'locked in place' and it would be nice to see her just relax and enjoy it more, but I do appreciate that it's week three and there's plenty of time for that to happen. Also there's a bit where they come out of hold and Daisy seems to come to a rather jolting stop which suggests that she maybe needs to relax her arms slightly more, btu it's barely noticeable. Otherwise: yep, a very promising start to the show. And Aljaž is the most adorable Cockney chimney sweep around, but we all knew that, right. Spotted in the audience: Tom Chambers and his wife, who is not so new these days.

Tess thanks Dave Arch and the fabulous singers, and Len says that Daisy pulled a lot of stuff out of that bag, and she pulled out all the stops in that quickstep. He was looking for three things: hold, posture, and movement, and she delivered handsomely on all fronts. Bruno declares it: "supercalifragilisticespiwallidaisy" - bless him, he tried. Craig thought the charleston sections needed to be lighter and more precise, and her left shoulder was raised "by millimetres", but she followed Aljaž's lead brilliantly. Darcey thought it was the neatest footwork she's seen, but she has one tiny correction - Daisy's upper body needs to be a little more taut.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia says that Daisy clearly enjoyed being Mary Poppins, and Daisy totally dorks out over the whole thing. Aljaž says that quickstep is always hard, and to go out first is even harder, so "well done Mary". Hee. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31, one up from last week but still one shy of her personal best. Claudia enlists a Don Lafontaine impersonator to do the terms and conditions, and then asks him to do a romantic voice to explain when the lines will open. Well, I'm moist, don't know about you.

Claudia says that the couples with the lowest combined judges' scores and viewer votes will be in the dance-off, which is as fitting a segue as you can get to our next couple: Anastacia and Brendan, in the death slot, as I expected they would be this week. If you're wondering how the show is handling the whole matter of her being injured and not able to take part in the dance-off last week: still not great, really. They still don't discuss the nature of her injury (and I appreciate it's not really any of our business, but Anastacia herself has discussed it openly so it seems a bit odd to shy away from it now) and the expected 'visit to the doctor who gives her the all-clear to dance' bit takes place out of focus and with no testimony from the actual doctor, which does feel a bit like the show's just trying to briskly move on as fast as possible from the whole sorry situation without really explaining why Anastacia couldn't dance last week. Also, Brendan is not there for any of it, not that he necessarily should be, but I just feel like if the show was especially invested in this pair, he would have been. Imagine this scenario playing out with, say, Louise or Danny - I'd expect Kevin or Oti to go along for the medical all-clear. They're not going out of their way to do her any favours, put it that way. Anastacia thanks the universe for giving her the opportunity to try again, and they get on with their training. Brendan wants to focus on showing off the soft side of Anastacia, so let's see how that goes.

They're dancing the Viennese waltz to 'A Thousand Years' with lots of dry ice and it's very...nice? It's all danced a bit gingerly, which I can understand because the absolute last thing either of them wants or needs is to break Anastacia for a second week in a row, but the whole thing feels a bit wispy and insubstantial, and Anastacia keeps getting her free arm stuck getting in and out of hold. It's lovely to see her doing ballroom, and it's definitely her best dance of the three so far, but there's not a lot here to convince me it's enough to keep her out of the danger zone this week, considering everything working against her (public backlash, worst spot in the running order, song that put Kimberley Walsh in the bottom two last time they used it). Still, Brendan tells her it was beautiful, and Anastacia seems thrilled to have got through it.

Anastacia tells Tess how beautiful ballroom dancing is, and Bruno calls it "very very nice, very simple, very correct", which is pretty much the definition of damning with faint praise, and warns her not to lose balance coming out of the turns. And also gags on a mint while explaining it. Craig says that her shoulders were slightly up in places and she lost balance - he wanted it to be smoother, but he loves how she's come back with "an enormous sense of confidence". Darcey says it had "a beautiful quality" and that people forget how hard the Viennese waltz is, and tells Anastacia that she has a beautiful neck. Len says it was "quiet, understated and had a class about it", and compliments them on the reverse fleckerl - he's glad Anastacia is feeling better and dancing better. So yeah, generally positive comments but nothing terrible enthusiastic, is there?

Brendan ushers Anastacia up the stairs a bit like one might do with a labrador, and Anastacia talks a bit more about how she didn't really realise she was a girl until today. Brendan euphemistically says it's "been a very big week", but they really got involved in the story and the character. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27 - not quite her highest score, but probably the highest score she's been given on purpose, Craig.

Danny and Oti are third, and Tess still seems to be making her mind up on whether it's pronounced "mah-boo-say" or "mah-bew-say", so I shall be interested to follow this development across the series [possibly neither, I mean, it is Tess - Rad]. Danny really enjoyed his dance last week, and being joint-top of the leaderboard. He's very excited to be Zorro this week, so Oti takes him to the armoury of Hampton Court Palace to learn how to fence, which is the sort of thing you can afford to do with your training time when you're a massive ringer, I guess. Of course, Danny turns out to be naturally gifted at fencing too and defeats Oti when they spar together (lol she clearly lets him win), and tells us he's looking forward to dancing the paso and hopes he doesn't "get a zee...oro". No, I'm sorry, fire whoever wrote that joke. And do not give them a reference. It's the kindest way.

They're dancing to 'The Train/El Sombrero Blanco' and it's a very competent paso with some lovely shaping and more fantastic choreography from Oti - I'm so glad she's really getting a chance to show what she's capable of this year. My only real bugbear is that it's not that exciting - I'm used to getting a real thrill from the pasos, especially when the ringers do them, and this one is, despite the obvious skill involved, kind of forgettable. It's not going to be joining Susanna's or Anita's on my YouTube playlist, put it that way. It's not even my favourite Zorro-themed Movie Week paso doble (which is obviously Holly Valance's), which is a bit worrying.

Danny does the obligatory thank you to the people in costume and make-up for all their hard work, and Craig says that the timing, shaping and the lines were all excellent, calling it "a virtuoso performance". Darcey loved the body shaping - "for a guy to get the curves, the tuck". Clearly Darcey needs to watch more RuPaul's Drag Race. She thinks this is amazing for week three. Len calls him "Danny Mac, the gay blade", CALL OFCOM. He also praises Oti for including the coup de pique, which apparently one of Len's favourite steps. Bruno calls him "Danilo Banderas" (oh dear) and thinks it was everything a paso doble should be, particularly with the beautifully interwoven flamenco steps.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia says that she thought Janette's head was going to shoot off her shoulders while they were watching, and expresses her surprise that Craig used the word "excellent" so early in the competition. Danny says that Craig has clearly "got the wrong script", but he doesn't mind at all. Scores: nines all round for a total of 36 - the highest score of the series by a clear four points. Claudia encourages us to vote for Danny and Oti if we don't want him "to get his coati".

Lesley and Anton are next, dancing to 'A Couple Of Swells' from Easter Parade, which means they've been dressed as tramps. Poor Lesley - I assume she signed up for Strictly thinking it would be glamorous, and then they cover her in dirt and black out her front teeth. Lesley was very happy with how her cha cha cha went last week, and how her score went up from the week before - she hopes that this week it will go up again. Lesley is loving the quickstep and wants to nail her posture this week - this leads into a random bit where she talks about Anton needing to improve his flexibility and the two of them going off to do yoga, which Anton does in a suit and with false Bernie Clifton legs. I'm not sure what any of this has to do with quicksteps, tramps or Easter Parade, but there you go.

For the second week in a row, I'm amazed at how good Lesley's footwork is - she's really nimble and makes the quickstep look very easy, which I know it not to be from personal experience. Her frame's improved because I think they've given up on standard ballroom hold and settled for Lesley just grabbing onto Anton's upper arm to account for the height difference. It's a little bit skippy in places, and there is a fair bit of gapping, but it really is a very, very impressive performance all the same, and I'm thrilled to see Lesley giving these young whippersnappers a run for their money. [I loved this! Took me a while but I'm on board the Lesley train now - Rad]

Tess is all "all that comedy! Must have been in your element!" and Lesley's too out of breath to even reply (either that or she's just ignoring Tess as all right-thinking people eventually do). Darcey thinks Lesley should be on the floor after all that and is impressed by her fitness. She thinks it was fabulously cheeky and there was plenty of dance content all the way through, but the technique faltered a bit at times when she was struggling to keep up. Len says that there were lots of references to the film, which he loved, but it was blended with Propah Quickstep Content - he particularly liked the fishtail. Bruno loved the roleplay and the quirky character, but says that she went wrong every time she went into the far corner, weirdly. Craig thought the footwork wasn't always compact enough and it created a bit of gapping, but the energy and the characterisation was brilliant, and he hopes he can dance like that when he's Lesley's age "at 70".

Up they shamble to the Clauditorium, with Lesley repeatedly apologising to Anton for the mistakes. Lesley tells Claudia that she loves the quickstep because you just fly across the floor when you get the steps right, and Anton says that he hasn't had such a good week for as long as he can remember. Poor Katie. Scores Craig 6, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27, Lesley's highest score yet. She's clearly still upset with herself for the mistakes, but I think the score has gone some way to lifting her spirits.

Following a preview of the next four dances, it's time for a bit of schtick. Claudia has a rummage in Daisy's Mary Poppins bag looking for a lipstick, disappears inside and emerges with a pineapple for Tess. These things get more surreal by the week, don't they? Up next are Will and Karen, with a "Bollywood salsa", and my heart's already sinking at this point, I don't know about yours. Last week Will really enjoyed his jive, but he went wrong in the side-by-side section, which was disappointing, and got a five from Craig as a result - but Karen informs us that "the only way is up from here". In training, Will wears a shiny blue hoodie and maroon harem pants, and dear god can we please just burn everything in his wardrobe and make him start from scratch? Karen tells us that not only does Will need to learn all the technicalities for the salsa (lol no he doesn't, not based on what's coming up) but he also needs to learn the intricacies of Bollywood dancing. Bollywood dancer Arshina Trivedi comes in to teach them how to dance Bollywood style, and Arshina tells them to make sure they extend the gestures right into their fingers. Will hopes he can bring some Bollywood to Borehamwood.

So obviously they're dancing to 'Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)' from Slumdog Millionaire, and I don't know about you guys but I can't wait to get some authentic Bollywood dancing from the guy from Berkshire and the woman from Venezuela to a song popularised by a woman born in Hawaii and raised in Kentucky. So obviously I could go on for several paragraphs about the awkward cultural appropriation here and how it's really not a good idea at all, but let's focus instead on the fact that this is not a salsa. There are a couple of basic salsa steps in there but 95 per cent of this routine is flat-out Bollywood. If you were to score it on the actual salsa content as presented, I don't see how you could go higher than a 2 or a 3 because there just isn't anything in there. I mean, seriously. Abbey Clancy is on the phone, furiously demanding her salsaless salsa back, that's how egregious this is. [I'm wondering if it's sneaking in a new genre for the future... But then I thought that about disco salsa, too - Rad]

Len tells Will that he's a terrific dancer, giving us a great performance level and a good quality of dance, but for him there wasn't enough salsa in there. He loved the dance, it was fun, but he would've liked "just a soupçon more of the salsa", because there were only about six or eight bars of it. Will mentally envisions Annabel fetching the shotgun and curtly informs Len that there were "24 counts of eight of salsa in there", ACTUALLY. Len shoots right back that it's "very nice of you to say that to me, Will, but most of them I didn't recognise" and then gets all now how about you have a nice cup of shut the fuck up HAHA JUST KIDDING not really cross me again and I will end you it's my last series I've got nothing to lose here sunshine. Bruno tries to get things back on track by saying "hooray for Bollywood!" and calling it "a salsa vindaloo", jesus Christ. He thought a lot of aspects of it reminded him of "Matthew Bourne contemporary". So not salsa, then? Craig thought there was definitely enough salsa in there for him, and he adored the mix, thinking it was brave of Will to attempt it. Darcey liked how effortlessly he got Karen into the lifts, and she loved the "interesting mix" of the two styles together.

Up in the Clauditorium, Will's all "NO I LOVE LEN AND I DIDN'T MEAN TO COME ACROSS DISRESPECTFUL, I CAN'T HELP MYSELF, I'M JUST PASSIONATE". Oh, is that it? I thought you were being petulant, myself. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Will's highest score yet, though I can't bring myself to agree with it.

Next we have Naga and Pasha, with a Mission: Impossible-themed tango. Last week, Naga was pretty gutted by the judges' comments, but Pasha assures her that they were being constructive and she just has to push onwards. Naga's a big Mission: Impossible fan, and enjoying the tango. Unfortunately she gets lumbered with a sub-Jason Donovan VT where the theme tune follows her around everywhere she goes, forcing her to tango down the street and in the supermarket and whatnot, until it turns out it was Pasha with a boombox the whole time, and he would've got away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids!

They start suspended above the dancefloor, being lowered to the floor in harnesses to steal a diamond. There's a close-up of the gem itself to give Pasha time to get Naga out of her harness, but by the time we cut back to them he's...still futzing with the belt and Naga's just sort of stood there trying to move her shoulders a bit in time to the music just so they're doing something, and then eventually Pasha frees her and she has to waft a torch around while he gets himself out, and the momentum's already gone before they've even started. I think this dance ought to be a good fit for Naga, and she looks more comfortable here than she has done in any dance so far, but she's far too light on her feet for a tango - it's all quite gentle and skippy where it should be serious and full of attack. She loses her balance in a few places too, but there's a good high kick in there and she just about keeps up with some fairly complex choreography. I think at this point we may have to admit defeat on Naga ever becoming much of a contender, but I'm seeing some improvement. Small improvement, but improvement nonetheless. I just wish she looked more confident out there. Nice Blue Steel straight down the camera from Pasha at the end though.

Tess honks straightaway that it took longer than expected to get out of the harness but they did a great job of catching up. Thanks Tess, I'm sure they're thrilled to have that pointed out right away. Bruno says that she definitely looks the part of the sultry, slinky superspy, but she's inconsistent - sometimes she pulls off a couple of great lines, and then she loses confidence. He thinks the potential is there, but Naga keeps losing focus - he wants her to believe in herself. Craig thought the footwork was sloppy and careless, and there needed to be stronger and more extreme lines, and she's not closing when she's meant to close - but he loved the concept and the drama. That's a bit like your friend in a play asking you what you thought of their acting and you saying how much you liked the sound design, isn't it? Darcey thinks Naga really suits playing a moody spy, but she needs Naga to focus more - she thinks it was a real improvement, though. Len says that he thinks it was Naga's best dance to date, but she needs to be crisper and sharper, and he liked the flexed knees - he thinks Naga's nerves are getting to her, and she's better than she thinks she is.

Claudia asks Naga if Len's right, and Naga says it was a lovely thing for him to say - it's very natural to be nervous and she battles with it, and Pasha dorks that "it's Mission: Possible actually". Heh. Claudia reminds us that Naga is also learning to perform as she's learning to dance, and the scores are in: Craig 5, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25, which is Naga's highest score yet, and which she seems quite pleased by. I thought she was going to get a lower score than that, but I'm pleased that the judges have faith in her.

Judge Rinder and Oksana are next with a Flintstones-themed charleston. Last week, he relaxed into his routine and really had fun, though he still hasn't managed to impress Craig so Judge Rinder says that he should take Craig to "a happy farm". Is that like the one with loads of space to run around, and loads of animal friends, that my parents said they took our dog to that time I came home from school and she wasn't there any more? In training, Judge Rinder brings a giant picture of Fred Flintstone along with him and sets it up on an easel, and someone does a pretty poor Fred impression to capture the Judge's internal duologue with him. (Unfortunate: Rinder's wondering how to do Fred justice and Fred replies "do me justice?", which could also be mistaken for "do me, Justice!") He says that hearing Fred speak to him will definitely help his dancing, unless he really did spend the whole time having caveman sex fantasies in which case it probably won't.

They have a life-sized Flintstones car which Judge Rinder and Oksana have to carry to the centre of the dancefloor (in a straight line, of course, there's no getting that thing around the corner) and the routine opens with Rinder lifting Oksana into an assisted aerial cartwheel which he only just manages, and all those jokes on It Takes Two about how much it would cost if he dropped Oksana seemed a lot less funny for a second there. It's not too bad - it's energetic and a good outlet for Judge Rinder's faces, but he lacks some of the necessary swivel, and there's also a slight problem when they get to the section where they're meant to dance with a couple of clubs, because one of them fell out when they were carrying the car so Oksana just has to mime instead. There's an impressive forward hand-spring from Rinder as well, which I liked a lot. [And his wig made me think of someone, not sure who? Maybe Jim Carrey in some 'classic' goofy role? - Rad]

There's a quick cut to Anton applauding in the Clauditorium, which I like to think is just there to clarify that Judge Rinder's Fred Flinstone wig is entirely separate from Anton's tramp wig, even if they do look very alike. Tess says that he went from Fred Astaire last week to Fred Flintstone this week, which definitely makes a lot more sense than Bruno's "from Fred Astaire to FRED INSANE" comment last week. Judge Rinder admits that he forgot a few steps, but let's hear what the judges think. Craig says that all those "ghastly, gawping, doll-like facial expressions...actually came into their own" in this dance, though he has a bit of a tight swivel, he missed the timing on the first charleston section, and he misjudged (ha!) the sweep section of one of the lifts, forgetting to step over Oksana's leg - but he loved the energy and the handspring. Darcey thinks he's very cute as a caveman and Rinder's all "oh, Darcey, stop, stop!" She thinks he could do more swivel because he has a slightly flat left foot, but he never fails to provide a fabulous performance. Len says it was a U certificate - he entertained us and made us smile, but he made a few mistakes. That is...not how film classification works in this country, Len, but nice try. He likes Rinder's attitude though, because everyone makes mistakes and it's how you deal with them that matters. Darcey says he wasn't worried about the mistakes, she thinks he's cute. Judge Rinder then sets up the line of the night, turning to Oksana and saying "I'm sorry, Oksana, the Strictly curse." Ha! Bruno says it was like watching "Judge Neanderthal Gone Mental". Does Bruno just have a collection of films that no one else has ever seen or heard of? The timing went extinct at times, but the performance is always good.

Claudia tells Judge Rinder that she didn't see any mistakes, and that Darcey's comments clearly made him a bit giddy. Judge Rinder replies that he doesn't really know what the caveman response to that should be, and grunts down the camera for Darcey's benefit, following it up with a nice Cro-Magnon pout. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Len 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 27 - the same as last week, and "odd scoring" as Claudia puts it.

We're halfway there! Whoa-oh, livin' on a etc. Next up are Ore and Joanne, whose film for this week is Singin' In The Rain. Last week, Ore got to open the whole show, which he thought was pretty cool, but he's worried this week because he has to channel Gene Kelly and be effortlessly cool, which Ore doesn't think he's very good at. So Joanne takes him to the Olympic Park to wear sou'westers and practice dancing in the rain - oh my god, have they booked RUTH LORENZO?! Sadly not, Joanne's just found some of those fountains that spurt up from the pavement, which doesn't really count in my book, but I guess you have to fill airtime any way you can.

They're doing an American smooth foxtrot to 'Singin' In The Rain' and I actually really like this routine - there's a minimum amount of faffing and what faff there is does at least make sense within the overall concept of the routine. Ore's posture still needs a slight bit of work because there are moments when he's slightly hunched over, but he's very light on his feet here, and the whole routine really captures the whole classic Hollywood glamour thing, if you ignore the bit of umbrellography that rather unfortunately looks like he's masturbating. Also he still needs to sort his free arm out, but otherwise: lovely stuff.

Darcey says that Ore really captured the sophistication of the dance and took her breath away. She loved Joanne's choreography, but Ore's timing was brilliant on top of that. She tells him that Ore's "physical attributes"(?) are identical to Gene Kelly, and Ore starts to lose it a bit here. Len agrees, and tells Jo the routine was fantastic, and Ore interpreted it fantastically. It's a difficult task to deliver a dance like that which everyone knows, but there were lots of foxtrot references throughout and he was astounded by how good that was. Bruno thinks Gene Kelly would be proud, and they took all the right references but layered their own personalities on top. Craig thought he was leaning over Jo a little bit too much in hold, and he could be up on his toes a little bit more, but he thought the routine was absolutely outstanding.

Ore wipes his eyes again and goes up to join the others on the Clauditorium where Ore says it's been an emotional week because he knows how much Jo loves this song and this style of dance, and he really wanted to make her proud, and then his voice cracks again, and I have to chuckle because he's fake-cried a few times for comic effect already over the course of the series, so it is quite funny to see him actually losing it on live telly and not quite knowing what to do with himself. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Len 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35. Ore's highest score by eight points, and Jo's highest score by ten points. They're both crying now, and then Ore catches Tameka's eye and sees she's getting emotional as well, so Claudia drags her in and Tameka's like "no, no, it's not about me, it's not about me!" and then walks over and pulls Ore and Joanne into a hug with a heavily exaggerated sob, and everyone else just falls into the whole thing. I've seen people criticising Tameka for this, and I can understand why, but I kind of feel like in the moment, someone just turning the whole thing into a giant pisstake was exactly what Ore needed to get himself back together? Your mileage may vary, of course.

While everyone dries their eyes, there's a preview of what's to come from Louise, Laura, Greg, Claudia, Tameka and Ed. Then we return to the ballroom where Tess tells us to watch out for Claudia and AJ's Bugsy Malone-themed routine involving custard pies made with real cream. I think I can just about make out the sound of Aliona screaming "and real custard????" from her yacht in the Bahamas. This leads into a bit where Tess hopes there'll be some spare that she might be able to eat (lol like Tess eats) and Claudia coming into the frame with cream on her nose and cheeks (STEADY), saying that she "asked on behalf of both of us" but there was nothing left, and whining that she's so hungry. Then Claudia breaks, then Tess breaks, then Claudia actually spits cream onto Tess's face, and I'm sure fanfics have been written with far less inspiration.

Getting things back on track, we have Laura and Giovanni. Last week's waltz was very well-received, and Laura's pleased that she's improving so much already. This week they've got a salsa, which Laura points out is "very different to last week" - it's very fast, with lots of lifts, and it hurts. Giovanni is very keen for a spectacular spectacular beginning, so he's going to get Laura to fly in on a swing. Laura is worried about getting up into the air and back down to the ground and unhooking herself from the safety ropes, and probably even more so after watching Naga and Pasha earlier on.

They're dancing to 'Rhythm Of The Night' (no, not the good one, the other one) which the band seem to be playing in the wrong key at the beginning. It's energetic and fun, and it has a hell of a lot more salsa content in it than Will's did, but like so many of Laura's routines, it's just not terribly memorable. There's a fun bit where Giovanni runs up to apparently proposition Bruno, but generally I remember what went wrong with it (a shoulder lift where Laura almost loses her balance, the underarm spins where Laura almost crashes into him) and for all that we're being sold the whole sexxxy showmance angle with these two, I'm still not seeing masses of chemistry between them on the floor, as evidenced in the bit where Giovanni sticks his face into Laura's crotch while she gyrates her hips and both of them look as though they'd prefer to get this over with as soon as possible. [Curse of the wigs, I'm telling you.  I've decided it's going to be a thing.  You watch, come BLACKPOOL week, they'll all be making VTs about it - Rad]

Len says it was a bit on the raunchy side for him, he's not normally a big punter for it, but he thinks Laura is a terrific dancer, and she comes out and goes for it - but even the salsa needs elements of finesse, and he thinks they were great, and Laura will be here for ages. Bruno growls savagely at Laura and tells her that she has va-va-voom coming out of every pore. It was one of the hottest, sexiest salsas he's ever seen, and her energy was fantastic. Craig thought she threw a bit too much of everything into it and lost control, so it didn't look natural at all times, but he loved the series of spins they did. Darcey thinks she was popping isolations in every step, but there were moments that didn't quite work - she needs to get the preparations right for her lifts to make it look smoother, but it was good for week three.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia tells us that Laura has been saying "this feels weird! I miss the waltz!" all week, but that she threw herself at that routine and it was terrific. Laura says it means so much for Len to say how good she was, and Claudia points out that Laura's mum (in the audience) looks very proud. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 9 for a total of 30. Some very interesting scoring going on tonight. Also, that getting one point less than Will's not-salsa is verging on criminal. It's like marking down the kid who turns up to class on time, does the homework and reads the assignment carefully just because the other kid's Dad paid for everyone to go to Chessington World Of Adventures on the school trip.

Next we have Greg and Natalie, with their American smooth. Greg is a bit concerned that almost none of the feedback last week was about his dancing and instead it was about his bottom, but at least it gives him something to work on for this week. They've got the American smooth, which is a dance that Natalie loves and frequently excels at (yes, I know the American smooth was the one where Scott Maslen forgot half the routine and she had to literally grab him by the neck to drag him into position but that wasn't the fault of Natalie or the choreography, was it?) (bloody Maslen), and Greg and Natalie are both excited to have Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves as their movie, so Natalie takes Greg off for some archery lessons. Greg does very well, getting nines and tens on his bullseye, so Natalie instructs him to replicate that in the ballroom.

The routine begins with Greg firing the world's slowest flaming arrow to light a torch and then carrying Natalie across the floor. It's hard to tell exactly how well he's got on with the bum-tucking this week because he's wearing a long jerkin that hides it for most of the dance (damn you, Vicky Gill!) but his hold has improved, and his posture has improved, and this is easily the most relaxed he's looked out there. Admittedly this routine is about 65% Force Of Natalie as she hurls herself fearlessly into a load of very impressive lifts, but Greg's dancing has definitely improved, which is lovely to see. (And he looks very handsome as Robin Hood, not that that's here nor there.)

Natalie's tearing up a little bit and tells us how hard Greg has worked this week, and Bruno tells Greg that he's not Prince of Thieves, he's Prince Charming - it was wonderful to watch, and he's very impressed to see Greg leading the dance so confidently. He's very pleasantly surprised at how well Greg is doing. Craig thought it lacked a bit of swing and sway, but that's the only thing that would've given it more style, but the storytelling from both of them was gorgeous, and he really loves this partnership. Darcey loved the beautiful smooth quality to it, and says that she couldn't even see his bottom under all the leather - Natalie interjects here and says he's been working very hard on it, and I'd definitely work very hard on--(THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH - the entire readership). However, Darcey thinks as impressive as the lifts were, they didn't have as much quality as the rest of the dance, and she would've liked to see them with less power. I think I get what she's getting at here - the lifts did overwhelm the rest of the routine a little bit. Anyway, she tells Greg that he ups his game every week. Len loved the chemistry and romance, and it had the perfect balance of in-hold and out-of-hold. And there was no sign of his bum either. WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT LIKE IT'S A GOOD THING? Len calls it a bullseye. Not a "balls-eye", as I originally heard it.

They head triumphantly up to the Clauditorium where Greg says that he enjoyed that so much more than the tango, and Natalie has been very patient with him this week - things weren't going well on Tuesday, but they really turned it around. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Greg and Natalie are both thrilled with that - a six point increase on last week and a personal best.

Who's next? It's Claudia and AJ, still riding a wave after their well-received waltz from last week, although Claudia was a bit disappointed to only get a six from Craig. Still, as AJ points out, it's good motivation to impress him this week. Claudia cackles that maybe Craig can give her her first 10. In training, AJ declares that theirs is going to be the best charleston in Strictly history. To get into the Bugsy Malone mood, Claudia hits him in the face with custard pies repeatedly and laughs a lot. Then at the end, AJ is dripping with cream (I SAID STEADY) and gets his revenge by chucking a pie right in Claudia's face, much to her distress.

They're dancing to 'You Give A Little Love' and this style of dance is a good fit for Claudia because it allows her to be bright, agile and show off her gymnastic tricks - a good example coming right at the beginning of the dance where she leaps into an inverted split kick over AJ's shoulder that misses kicking him in the face by mere centimetres, and which has made me scream "JE-HE-HE-HE-SUS CHRIST!" every time I've watched it so far, even when I know it's coming. I really like these two, and this is a great routine, but I can't help noticing that for all the lightning-quick side-by-sides they pull out, any section that isn't full of kicks and swivel tends to hit a serious energy sag. It makes the whole thing feel very uneven. [This left me cold.  I don't know why, as I love me a good Charlestom and I can see how it was technically good and everything, but it just didn't set my heart racing at all - Rad]

It ends with Claudia pieing AJ in the face but good, and splattering the judges in the process. "He told me to hit him hard!" wails Claudia. Craig thinks it was technically brilliant, and Darcey thinks this was made for Claudia. Len thought it was a marvellous combination of clever choreography, slick tricks and slapstick, and Bruno loves that he's getting to see Claudia acting - he thinks she's a double threat.

They head up to the Clauditorium, AJ still wiping whipped cream out of his eyes - in fact, the point where he sees himself on one of the monitor for the first time and realises just how bad he got hit is pretty funny. Chloe very sweetly leans in to brush away the bit that's hanging over AJ's eyebrow and likely to drip in his eye at any moment, and Claudia W gives her a hand. Then Janette rushes in to try and help Claudia clean her hand off, and AJ valiantly offers up his sleeve and says "just wipe it on me". No, I'm sorry - normally that innuendo would be a slam-dunk, but AJ still seems too young for me to be making sex jokes, I just can't. Scores: nines all round for a total of 36. AJ tries to celebrate but nobody will hug him because he's covered in whipped cream. Aww, poor guy.

Tameka "and her partner Gorga Marquez" are next, and Tameka tells us how much fun she had pretending she was in a silent movie with her charleston last week, but waiting for the results was gruelling. Thankfully she survived to fight another day. This week she's got a tango, but she also has a pressing engagement in the form of the Inside Soap Awards, which she ties into the whole thing by calling them "the Oscars of the soap world", which they totally are. [Full disclosure: I work for Inside Soap so may be slightly biased.] Tameka won the Funniest Female award, and Gorka (looking very handsome in his suit) says that it was amazing to walk the red carpet with Tameka. Tameka says she hopes that winning the award will motivate her on Saturday night.

They're dancing to 'The Heat Is On' from Beverly Hills Cop, with Tameka as a police officer apprehending Gorka, who is a criminal in disguise as a cop. Yes, Gorka in a police uniform - it's a lovely image, isn't it? He can smack me with his nightstick any time, etc. As far as the routine goes, it's fine, although it doesn't feel a million miles away from her paso two weeks ago, there's a bit that I'm pretty sure is an illegal lift if Len is still caring about those this week, and Tameka accidentally knocks Gorka's hat off at one point, unless that was a deliberate choreographical homage to Caroline Flack, who knows? It ends with Gorka being apprehended and posing for his mugshot, and then presumably the entire LAPD deciding to let him off because he's so goshdarn cute.

Darcey loved the intent, the attack and the drama, but there were moments where she would've loved it to be more crisp and clipped in the transitions. Also, she needs to fix her top line. Len saw plenty of attack and intent, but her posture was quite poor. Bruno loves Tameka's commitment, and almost thought she was leading at times. Craig thinks her hand positioning was questionable and that was due to Tameka not keeping her elbows up, and she needs to create more of a V-shape (I'm sure Tameka can think of a few good V-shapes to do right now) but she covered the floor aggressively, which he liked.

They take it slowly on the way up to the Clauditorium because Tameka's a bit out of puff, and Tameka says it was a hard week this week, but Claudia reminds her that at least she won an award, and Tameka thanks everyone who voted for her if they're watching. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Len 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 28. A tad lower than last week, but still decent. Claudia tells us that Louise will be dancing to "fishdance" later, before putting a finger in her ear and correcting herself: "Flashdance". Another awkward live TV error from Claudia there. Thank goodness we have sharp-eyed journalists like those working the Saturday night shift at Mirror TV online to hold her to account, eh? (Also lol at them changing the headline from "awkward" to "brilliant" and hoping we'll think they were in on the joke. Nice try.)

Our penultimate couple of the night is Ed and Katya, who will doing a samba with a theme of The Mask. Katya tells Ed that he totally owned that floor last week, and Ed says that while it's great to be saved by the public, next time he's aiming not to be bottom of the leaderboard. Ed's a bit worried this week because he doesn't really know what a samba is, so Katya decides to help him get into character by bringing in a mask for him to wear so that he will not be Ed Balls any more. It's looks more like something the Green Lantern would wear than the Mask, but I guess they have to save the props budget for the live shows themselves. Ed does some fairly mortifying Jim Carrey impressions, let's just move on.

They're dancing the samba to 'Cuban Pete' and despite Ed throwing himself into the routine wholeheartedly, bless him, there's not much bounce to it. The whole thing is quite clumsy and yellow is really not Ed's colour (which I guess is why he didn't become a Liberal Democrat), but I can't help but smile at the level of commitment here. I don't mind a comedy contestant if they really are trying to dance to the best of their ability, and so far I think Ed is, so I'm fine with him sticking around for the time being.

The crowd clearly loves it, and Yvette Cooper looks like she can't quite believe what she just witnessed. Ed tells Tess that they were "schhhhhmokin" and...bless him. Len tells Ed that what's great is the anticipation of what's going to happen when he comes out. He also wants to congratulate Katya for not taking the easy option and actually giving Ed full routines to learn with proper content in them, even if he doesn't always manage it. Len thinks Ed isn't the best dancer, but he's the most fun. Bruno thinks "the Green Party" is having a resurgence, and he got a samba blowout rather than a samba bounce - it was "complete lunacy and totally wonderful". Craig "can't quite believe what I've just been witness to" - he thinks someone must have put something in his water. Probably Bruno. It was driven, but devoid of samba bounce, and he likes that Ed threw the technique out the window and sold it on personality. Ed: "I thought my bottafuego was not half bad?", and Len says that his botafogo was lovely, and he started with a volta too. Darcey giggles that it was 100 per cent crazy and fabulous. She thinks he really embodied the character, and she wants him to hold on to that throughout the competition.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia says that she loved watching Yvette Cooper's face throughout, which was a mixture of pride, admiration and the occasional bit of confusion. Claudia asks how Ed's kids are taking it, and he replies that they're quite embarrassed, and then does another Jim Carrey impression. I'm so pleased that he's loosening up after his stilted first couple of weeks, even if his kids probably aren't quite as thrilled. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Len 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 24, Ed's highest score yet. More Jim Carrey impressions.

And here we are with our last couple of the night, which is of course Louise and Kevin. Last Saturday's Viennese waltz put them at the joint-top of the leaderboard with Danny and Oti, and this week they've got a Flashdance-themed cha cha cha. Louise admits to doing the routine in her living room when she was about 12 - "some girls like princesses, I just liked a girl who was a welder who could really do some moves". Quite. So Kevin takes Louise to her living room to dance, at which point Louise's kids walk in and are suitably embarrassed. Her oldest kid looks uncannily like a young Arg from The Only Way Is Essex, only thinner. Louise says the routine is really fun, she just needs to forget about all the people watching at home.

They're dancing to 'Flashdance...What A Feeling' and it opens with Louise, alone, doing some of the classic movie choreography. She does look a bit hesitant and self-conscious out there on her own, and for a moment I worry that this might all be heading into Snowdance territory, but then Kevin arrives and we get into very respectable cha cha cha instead. Louise looks like she's having the most fun that she's had on the show so far with this routine, although still only about 50 per cent as much fun as Kevin's having. It's not the best routine of the night, but it's a good end to a good show, I think.

Bruno says it took him back into the eighties and he knew most of the steps, but all of the cha cha cha they put in was very good. He loves Louise's precise foot placement, and it's great for the judges to see what Louise is capable of. Craig loved the rhythm and timing, but there could be more hip action. Darcey thinks this really suited Louise, and she looked much more confident and in control here. Len says that you have to be sharp, crisp and clean in the cha cha cha and show rhythm, and it's a tricky job, but Louise really pulled it off - and in fact, he's had a fantastic night with all of the couples.

They sprint away to the Clauditorium, and Louise says that she forgets her routines all the time, but it's usually fine when she gets out there. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Len 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. A little stingy, if you ask me.

So let's check out that leaderboard, then:

1=. Danny & Oti - 36
1=. Claudia & AJ - 36
3. Ore & Joanne - 35
4. Greg & Natalie - 32
5=. Daisy & Aljaž - 31
5=. Will & Karen - 31
5=. Louise & Kevin - 31
8. Laura & Giovanni - 30
9. Tameka & Gorka - 28
10=. Anastacia & Brendan - 27
10=. Lesley & Anton - 27
10=. Judge Rinder & Oksana - 27
13. Naga & Pasha - 25
14. Ed & Katya - 24

The lines are open, and AJ's been cleaned up. After a quick recap of tonight's dances, everyone's on the dancefloor again, and Tess and Claudia remind us that two couples will face the dance-off - for real this time - on Sunday night's show. Also, Alfie Boe and Michael Ball will be there, if that's the sort of thing that you like.

TO BE CONTINUED...