Note to Tess Daly - do we really think that someone leaving the competition is a tragedy? A clue - no. Silly mare.
Crashing on - it's Sunday! It's the results show, full of filler! Who will be the first to leave? Cue credits.
Bruce and Tess come out on to the stage. Tess appears to be wearing a towel. They don't do their traditional dance, probably because this show is actually FILMED ON A SATURDAY AND EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HAS ALREADY SEEN THEM DO IT. Feeble gags from Forsyth. Tess's hair is stuck in her lip gloss. They explain the rules again, like we don't already know. Billy Zane is still wearing his hat.
The professionals do a group dance to Don't Rain On My Parade, and Camilla is wearing a different colour dress to everyone else for reasons I cannot ascertain. Bruce tells Tess that they should join in. How amusing!
Recap of what happened last night. You already know. This evening we have additional treats of the contestants' comments backstage. Brian Capron's son (?) says the judges know nothing about atmosphere. He's about five, so can sod off. Karen will be heartbroken if they're not back next week. Kenny thinks they were harsh on him and Ola, and he says he doesn't want to let her down. She looks like she's about to cry, and tells him that he won't let her down. Gabby thinks they were harsh on him too. Gethin is angry, or as angry as he gets. [About as angry as a puppy, I'm guessing. - Steve] Camilla is stony-faced. Matt and Flavia say that he didn't do a backward roll, but did a floor somersault, which I believe is the same thing. Craig says he was surprised by Willie's intelligent performance. Willie's wife was very pleased with him. Len didn't think Willie would be hot, but he was a revelation. Erin tells him he did well, and he kisses her hair. Aw. Dominic and Lilia are going for cheekiness; Len says they had the spirit of the cha-cha. Craig says he was a "fire bucket". What? [Perhaps Craig is trying to rival Bruno for the most incomprehensible metaphor of the series. We can only hope. - Georgi] Barnesy hopes to lose much more weight [Does he have to go on about it? Celebrity Fat Club this ain't. - Georgi], and his ex-Watford boss Graham Taylor fundamentally says that the competition is a marathon, not a sprint.
Bruce introduces the judges, according them their proper names, like a normal person. He explains the new dance-off rules, which are basically the same as Dancing on Ice - the judges' votes are combined with the audience's votes, and the bottom two dance off for the judges to decide who goes and stays. [But that means ALL THE SHIT PEOPLE WILL GET VOTED OFF! Where's the fun in that? - Georgi] [On the plus side, it might foil the traditionally racist British public. Fingers crossed! - Steve]
Len thinks nerves kicked in on the first show, and the men didn't dance to their full potential. He says the competition is a journey. Drink! Bruno says the first show is difficult, and though technique can improve, performance must be there straight off. Arlene mutters that she agrees, though nobody has asked her.
Tess says that there were a lot of first-night nerves, and asks Kenny how it would feel if he and Ola were in the dance-off. I don't know what he's saying because he sounds very scared. Tess channels the spirit of Louis Walsh, and says she hopes Scotland has voted for him. Barnesy stresses the importance of getting the audience's votes. The girls are giggly but quietly confident that they will piss all over the boys' mediocre performances next week.
Mark Ramprakash is back to perform for one night only. He burbles about Strictly changing his life, and says he is pleased to be back dancing with Karen. He is excited about watching the rest of the series. They take to the floor, return the glitterball trophy (despite Karen trying to cling on to it), and dance their famous Hot Hot Hot routine. Bruce tells them they are worthy champions, like it matters what he thinks. Mark says that Karen made the whole show for him; Karen says he is amazing and fantastic. Arlene says they are hot hot hot, and offers Mark her phone number so that she can provide extra tuition. [Tuition spelt s-e-x, I should think. - Steve] Ugh.
Tess asks the male contestants if they think they can ever get up to that kind of standard. Matt looks gobsmacked and says the bar has been set very high. Willie says: "Hips like that? I've not seen my hips in years."
More filler - Rod Stewart says John Barnes shouldn't wear yellow [But would you take fashion advice from a man who has been known to dress in head-to-toe plaid? - Georgi]. Graham Taylor says Barnesy has rhythm. Louisa Lytton says the first night is always the worst. Konnie Huq says the judges were mean to Gethin. Gloria Hunniford said the girls look pretty. Billy Zane says his girl Kelly Brook was smokin'.
All the contestants combine to perform It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing. Letitia wears a weird dress again. Kelly sings her way through it again. The judges do an acapella chorus. I demand more Craig singing! He thinks Alesha and Matt stood out, "ripping up the floor". Arlene nominates Kenny and Ola as the stand-out couple, saying he has rectified his mistakes from earlier. Oh, sorry, yesterday. Len says Penny and Ian recovered from a little blunder very well, and Bruno agrees, saying, "You stood out like a Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square." Right.
More filler - random montage of training sessions. Camilla says that pictures should be attached to moves. Stephanie and Vincent are giving their own names to steps. This is dull. Crashing on...
Oh, this is even more dull - Michael Buble, who is one of Bruce's "all-time favourites - that means past and present". [But we all know Brucie says that to everyone. - Georgi]
Claudia plugs It Takes Two, which Bruce is calling Take Two. Wasn't that on BBC Two in the Eighties?
Nobody wants to be the first to go. That sounds like a cue for more filler if ever I heard it, but what's the point in showing this when the phone lines closed nearly 24 hours ago? The men churn out the general cliches about not wanting to let their partners down, how much they're enjoying it, how hard they're all working, you can fill in the gaps yourself.
Here are the results. The tension is palpably non-existent. Tess explains again what the voting process is. The couples are announced in a random order. Bruce reveals that Dom and Lilia are safe; Tess reveals that Matt and Flavia are safe; Gethin and Camilla; [I fancy Matt more than I fancy Gethin. That's not especially relevant is it?-Joel] John and Nicole; and finally Willie and Erin. That means Kenny and Ola dance off against Brian and Karen. Len says how harsh it is that two of the couples who did the ballroom dance are in the bottom two, because the cha-cha is much easier because it just involves shaking their respective bums. [On the other hand, at least the two waltzes are competing against each other in the dance-off, rather than having to compete against a couple doing an easier dance. - Georgi]
They dance. Bruce stresses again how difficult the waltz is [Because it is so much more authoritative coming from him than when Len said it a few minutes earlier. - Georgi]. Each judge is asked which couple they would like to save. In the event of a tie, Head Judge Len Goodman has the casting vote, and he looks gleeful. Craig wants to save Brian and Karen, saying that they made a lot of mistakes but they have potential and the most dance talent. Karen looks like she might cry, which would be uncharacteristic. Arlene references Matt Dawson as a "hopeless rugby player" [I thought he was quite a good rugby player; hopeless dancer though. - Georgi], and thus she wants to save Kenny and Ola. Tess says, "One apiece - close as it could be." Idiot. Bruno saves Kenny and Ola because of their increased levels of romance. Len says both couples coped very well, and amateur dancers can't cover their mistakes properly. He chooses Kenny and Ola, which means defending champion Karen is out in the first round [AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! - Georgi], and her eye make-up is in danger from all the tears. Bruce says that Brian has had flu all week, but not taken medicine. I think this might be a slight exaggeration. [He probably just had a bit of a sniffle. - Georgi] Brian apologises for letting Karen down; Karen says it was a pleasure to dance with him because she used to watch him on Grange Hill. [I am shallow. Brian is not fit, and he danced like a mafia man and I think the mafia are shit, so I'm glad he went home. Also the show would have cried if it couldn't make more of ZOMG they're married! And competing!-Joel]
Bruce has his funereal voice on, and then begins to fluff his lines with over-excitement at the prospect of the ladies dancing next week. The girls are going to be amazing. Whoop!