Sunday, 14 October 2007


Female celebrities' first dance: 13th October 2007

So, we got the men out of the way last week and they were, for the most part, unspectacular. But we all know that the real competition this year will be fought amongst the women and one of them will, perhaps unfairly, be going home tomorrow. But who? Let's find out...

Tess recaps last week for us, which would be lovely had I not already done that. Brian and Karen were in the bottom two with Kenny and Ola, with Brian and Karen going home. Tess points out that we are indeed "live", which tomorrow we shall not be, and the BBC wants you to remember that so it doesn't have to keep apologising for a small element of artifice, especially given that television as a medium is almost entirely artifice and everyone who gets their panties in a wad about being ZOMG MISLED by broadcasters needs to grow a pair already, especially if what you're wailing about is Strictly Come Dancing or the name of the bloody Blue Peter cat. Bigger picture, people, yes? [Someone actually wrote into Points of View (which - is that still on? I thought it finished in about 1987) to ask how Kenny could be in the dance-off at 7.30 and yet be in Paris 15 minutes later for the rugby, which - duh. Mind you, an irate viewer also complained about factual accuracy in Robin Hood, which - DUH. The viewing public deserve to be misled if you ask me. - Georgi]

Titles! I fucking love the titles to this show so much. They're such an event. They fill me with excitement in a way that the titles to The X Factor should do, and yet inevitably do not. I even chair-dance to the music [A la Minelli in Cabaret? - Georgi], that's how tragic I am. Order of celebrities' appearance on the credits, since I missed it last week, in case anyone's interested: Penny, Stephanie, Matt, Kenny. Gabby, Gethin, Alesha, John, Kate, Willie, Brian, Dominic, Kelly, Letitia (bless you! Sorry, couldn't resist reviving one of my favourite old Trevor and Simon gags [I miss Trevor and Simon. - Carrie]).

Tess's dress is mildly more successful this week, although it still makes her look like such a frump. Come on, costumers: Tess Daly is an attractive woman. It cannot be that hard to find clothes that look good on her. [Perhaps they just don't like her? - Carrie.][Understandably. - Georgi] It's ladies' night, and there's a predictable joke wherein Bruce lists all the attractive women in the studio and "forgets" about Tess. [Didn't he do the same sodding gag last year? And the year before? - Carrie.] Told you you needed better dresses, Tess. The couples are introduced, in the same order as last week, I believe, so no need for me to list them again. [The horn player in the band this year keeps missing the high notes. - Carrie.] I will mention that Erin has one hell of a six-pack. DAMN. Why doesn't my stomach look like that? Alesha's legs appear to run right up to her ears in her dress tonight, and her boobs are threatening to escape. Flavia is wearing a hot pink choker, the same width as your hand. It's an interesting look. Penny has the perma-grin of terror plastered to her face. [And Brendan chooses not to clap like a normal person, but instead pats Kelly's hips. - Carrie.]

Tonight the ladies will either be performing a quickstep or a rumba. The guys will also be doing a merengue later as their group number, although Bruce and Tess do not mention this specifically. I am psychic, however, so I know.

Stephanie and Vincent are up first. I love Stephanie so much. [Me too! - Carrie.] Her theme music is Shirley Bassey's ill-advised cover of 'Get The Party Started', and her first words in her VT are "I am an absolute diva." In the best possible sense, might I add. She talks about Ava Gardner teaching her to keep her chin up on camera, for no reason other than to namedrop Ava Gardner as far as I can tell, but what the hey. Clip of Stephanie having a catfight with Joan Collins on Dynasty. Yay! She calls Strictly "enormous fun" and likens it to Hollywood. Vincent is honoured to dance with "such a great personality". In rehearsals, he is kind of hilariously creepy: "Any questions so far? My phone number?" Stephanie points out that she'd eat him for breakfast, a fact of which I think we were all aware. [Vincent admitted on It Takes Two this week that he has met his match. LULZ! - Carrie.] They're doing a quickstep to KT Tunstall's 'Suddenly I See', and it looks pretty good. There do appear to be a few bits where Stephanie isn't quite keeping up and Vincent is bodily hurling her around to stop her falling behind, but on the whole I like it. Her fixed grin of concentration is hilarious. Bruce calls Vincent "Simone", which is kind of funny.

Judges. [I'm glad we're all choosing to overlook Bruce's feeble gags introducing them. - Carrie.] Len opens, as always, telling us what we're looking for in the dance: the key is hold, posture and movement, apparently. [Doesn't that apply to pretty much every dance? You see why he's the Head Judge. - Georgi] He thinks that by and large Stephanie delivered. He thinks her posture needs work, and her hold is occasionally off, but for the first one out she was great, and she looks stunning, of course. Bruno loves her Hollywood glamour, but tells her she needs to be lighter on her feet. Stephanie has this hilarious look on her face, as if she's thinking how easily she can have him killed or something. Craig calls it "a very respectable attempt", calling her on her posture and body contact [Vincent says it was his fault. Aw. - Carrie]. Arlene compliments the power of Stephanie's megawatt smile [having said "Once an actress, always an actress", as if Stephanie has somehow stopped being an actress at any point - Carrie.] , but echoes Bruno's call for Stephanie to be lighter on her feet. Bruce tells her he's looking at her in a different light. "Because of my scattered chasses?" asks Stephanie, and something in the way she delivers that is utterly brilliant. I couldn't recreate it even if I tried. Backstage with Tess: Stephanie says that her feet were not co-operating with her head and commiserates Vincent for having to drag her around the dancefloor. She calls the judges' comments "incredibly kind". The scores are in: sixes all round for a total of 24. Tess asks if Stephanie's happy with that. "I can't really add up, but I'm sure it's fine," Stephanie replies. I am so voting for her.

Next are Letitia (bless you!) and Darren. Letitia's theme music is 'These Boots Are Made For Walking'. She's very orange. She talks about EastEnders, obviously, and says that she's hoping to come across quite demurely on the dancefloor. She claims to feel "naked" on this show, but gives that line a sort of high-camp delivery that I don't think we're meant to take especially seriously. Darren says the key is matching commitment with quality, and that EastEnders actors know all about that. He mentions her insecurity, and in rehearsals Letitia frets about how pretty the other girls are. Awww. [I love Letitia a bit. I'm slightly concerned about the stylists this season. It's not like she's a monumental hefty cow or anything; I'd put her at a size 14 bearing in mind the camera adds ten pounds, and anyway she has absolutely spectacular legs. However, the dresses they're sticking her in make her look like a moose. Use some sense, stylists, please - Carrie.] They have a little eskimo kiss backstage before taking to the floor to rumba to 'How Deep Is Your Love?' She's...a little awkward, I have to say. I don't think Letitia's one of life's natural dancers, but she's giving it a good go. Her leg lifts in particular look quite awkward, but she looks like she's having quite a lot of fun, which is half the battle, no? Judges. Len says that the rumba is a romantic dance, with gorgeous hip action. He says that "by and large" Letitia did well; she needs to push through the balls of her feet to get more hip action. Letitia says, sounding remarkably like Dame Babs Windsor, that she thinks someone's Vaselined her shoes. Hee. Bruno says that the woman needs to captivate the man in the rumba, and that this was "the rumba with the handbrake on" - too timid, and not enough hip action. Craig calls it "clean and clinical; really cold". He tells her not to let her knee drop in her leg bends. Arlene's big on the hip action, of course, and didn't enjoy the interplay, saying that Letitia and Darren need to go for a night out together. [Bruce asks Arlene if she can suggest any venues for the night out. Hee! Then he thanks Letitia for being on the show. Oh, nicely done, Bruce. This is where we see the value of his 185 years in showbusiness. - Carrie.]

Backstage with Tess: Darren says that this was their best performance of that dance. Letitia promises to take the judges' comments on board [Drink! - Georgi] if she's back next week. Mixed scores for Letitia: sixes from Arlene and Bruno, a seven from Len (bit extravagant, I think) and a four from Craig [very, very harsh - Carrie], for a total of 23.

Kate and Anton are next. Kate was on crutches last week, of course, so this should be interesting. Kate's theme music is 'Angel of the Morning', heh. Kate says that her life is very dull, so she's enjoying the sequins and the sparkle. All she wants for the show is for her husband to consider her a yummy mummy, just for a minute. Aww. [Poor Kate. I judge her husband. - Carrie.] Anton's VT is weird; he talks about always wanting to be famous, to be the name people come up with when people think of a famous dancer, and he wants to make the final. Talk of the injury: Kate is determined to get through it, and keeps practising. Anton wears a suit ALL THE TIME. They're dancing a quickstep to 'Love Machine' by Girls Aloud. [Why, musical director? Why, why, why? Because the kIdZ won't watch Strictly unless they use contemporary music? Like they're watching anyway. They're out setting fire to your car, sucker. But I digress... dances with traditionally suitable music are nearly always better. - Georgi] I love this song, and I love Girls Aloud, but it's a really bad idea for this show - because the tempo's all over the place, there are too many points where Kate and Anton are just standing there waiting for the next phrase of music to start so they can do the next step of their dance [or for Kate to rest her knackered feet - Carrie]. It's frustrating to watch. I think Kate's doing pretty well under the circumstances, although she almost falls over about fifteen seconds in and Anton has to pull her back up. Her footwork on the on-the-spot quicksteps is not good, I have to say. She looks very relieved when it's all over. [Bruce welcomes Kate to the show, and greets Anton, and then they do a reasonably amusing little routine. Bruce says he wishes that other people worked with him like Anton does. Chuckle - Carrie.][Because Anton is after your job, Brucie! - Georgi]

Judges. Craig says that there's a positive to this, that she's up and dancing; the downside is that it was "as heavy as lead". Unsteady on the turns, clawed left-hand [which he pointed out on Wednesday's It Takes Two, so if she had any sense she'd have sorted that out, because that's nothing to do with having sore feet - Carrie], flat-footed...he declines to go on, but says that he's glad she came and had a go. Which is sort of patronising, but at the same time, she does deserve a lot of respect for staying in when she must be in quite a lot of pain, I would think. Arlene: "What is it with the GMTV presenters? You don't love rhythm - is it all that sitting on the couch?" I think she meant for that to be a harmless throwaway gag, but it actually came off rather nastily, and she is booed. Ooops. And Arlene, please do not invoke the spirit of Flat-Footed Fuckwit Fiona Phillips. We're all trying to forget about her. Arlene, clearly unable to read a room, continues: "Anton, bless you. You're like the people who sit at home and never win premium bonds, aren't you?" Somebody is so going to smack Arlene one of these days, I just know it. [Please let it be Lilia. Or Stephanie. Or me - Carrie.] [In fact, can we all take a turn? - Georgi] Anton takes it on the chin, of course, because he's essentially a decent chap [And because he has such a big chin - Georgi]. Anton points out that it would've been so easy for Kate to drop out, and that it took a lot for her to carry on. [I love Anton. Very gentlemanly and chivalrous - Carrie.] Len says it was a shame Kate had to dance a quickstep because it's so demanding on the feet: "brave attempt, well done". Bruno says it's a shame her feet went on strike. Bruce, to Bruno: "I'll see to your tendons later." Expect Bruno on crutches next week, ladies and gents.

Backstage (I need to think of a better name for it than "backstage" - I'll work on that for next week, so in the meantime since the men are back here for the whole show I shall refer to it as the House of Tess-tosterone [AHAHAHA! - Carrie]): Kate says that Anton has been so fantastic about the whole thing, and hopes she can do better for him. Anton: "Any time you want to join in the choreography, that would be lovely. You can decide what we do, I don't mind." Hee! I love Anton. Kate says she enjoyed being here, though she thinks there's a chance she may not be back next week. Scores: Craig gives a two, Arlene gives a four ("I may be unkind, but I'm not cruel!"), Len a five and Bruno a four. Len's is the only score not to be followed by booing. Total of 15 out of 40. Anton, through clenched teeth: "Tell me that was more than Fiona, for Gawd's sake." HAHAHA! I love how Fiona Phillips is this show's failsafe punchline. It's no less than she deserves. God, I loathe Fiona Phillips. Tess, looking unsure: "I think so, yes. Marginally more." A quick consultation of Wikipedia reveals that Fiona's scores for the four weeks she was in (four! Did the British public collectively blaze a massive doobie in series three? Holy fuck) were 11, 13, 16 and 20, the 13 being for quickstep/rumba week, so Anton (and indeed Kate) can sleep soundly tonight. Kate: "I can't do any worse! At least if I come back next week it'll be better, surely?" Let's hope so.

Tess talks to the male celebrities: she asks John who was best, and he sits squarely on the fence. [Typical bloody sportsmen. It's that media training - Carrie.] Tess asks Gethin if his confidence was knocked last week; somebody with spangly sleeves (like that narrows it down) pats him on the shoulder reassuringly, because any opportunity to touch Gethin Jones should be taken full advantage of. By process of elimination (it's clearly one of the male celebrities because the male dancers are not wearing white spangly shirts at least), it must be either Matt or Kenny, since Dominic, John and Willie are all on camera at this point. I'm going with Matt, for reasons which will become clear later. Gethin says it's hard when you give it your all and the judges are harsh, pointing out Craig only giving him a four and adding that he got the same score as Letitia. He says that when he went home Camilla texted him and said that the judges had a point, so they've been working on it in training next week and hope to be better next week.

After a reminder of numbers, it's time for Alesha and Matthew. It's the Mis-Teeq lady! She's coming back strong! I love that Alesha's VT lists her profession as "MC and Singer Songwriter" - like this show's target audience has any idea what an MC is in that context. Alesha's theme is, of course, 'Scandalous'. She talks about being in Mis-Teeq [using the word "urban" in an ironic context, yay! - Carrie], does a bit of MCing and cackles [Which she does a lot. On It Takes Two this week, Matthew said he thought her laugh was going to become famous, which may be true. It varies from a sort of warthog snuffle to full-on Wicked Witch - Georgi]. She points out that her dancing in Mis-Teeq was more gyrating than anything, and says that while she'd prefer not to use the word "poor", her mum couldn't send her to stage school or anything so this is her crash course in professional dancing. Matthew says that the Strictly Come Dancing trophy is the one thing missing from his professional accolades. He mentions Alesha's energy (cut to Alesha bellowing "oy oy!" and cackling) and says that his challenge is to channel it. Many shots of Alesha cackling in rehearsals. Alesha: "I like to narrate. I could become a narrator!" Hee. [In Joseph! Opposite West End Leading Man Lee Mead! That would be awesome! - Carrie.] Alesha and Matthew are dancing the rumba to Christina Aguilera's 'Hurt'. And I don't know what's up with the woman singing in the band this week, but her vocals have been ropey all night and this is by far the most noticeable example: she's not up to this song and there are some horrid, scratchy, tuneless notes flying around. It could put Matthew and Alesha at a disadvantage, although they seem sufficiently caught up in the moment not to notice it. This is the best routine of the night so far, for me. The choreography is adventurous and Alesha seems up to the task. They have great chemistry too; Gethin should be taking notes at this point if he wants to get over his intimacy issues. [Ah, but Alesha is performing with the added incentive of showing her ex-husband WHO IS A BASTARD that she is amazing. I want to know why Nicole and Matt split up. Any ideas, anyone? Anyone at all? - Carrie.] And just a reminder, Gethin, if you need some help working through those when Camilla's not available, call me! Ahem. Great performance from these two, for my money. Alesha wipes some of her lipstick off Matthew's face. [They stand in front of the panel holding hands, fingers knitted together, very cutely - Carrie.]

Bruno says she had "the seducing power of Salome; you could have Len Goodman's head!" Disturbing thought for all of us there, I feel. He calls it "sexy, raunchy, romantic" and compliments her spins and her hip movements. Craig calls it "absolutely gorgeous - very sexy without being lascivious". He tells her to watch her "funky" right hand. Arlene calls her a "gorgeous gazelle" and loved the interplay, but tells Alesha to watch her linking steps - her movement is great when she's in a position, but her going in and out is a little clumsy. Len calls her a contender, and leaves it at that. In the House of Tess-tosterone, Alesha says she enjoyed it so much that she wants to do it again, until she realises a few seconds later that for her to do it again would mean she'd be in tonight's/tomorrow's danceoff, and quickly changes her mind. Hee. Scores: eight from Craig, seven from Arlene, and eights from Len and Bruno for a total of 31. That's a bloody good score for a first dance.

Time for Penny and Ian, who are tall. Penny's theme is, predictably, 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?' [Way to boost Rod's PRS income, show - Carrie.] She says Rod is extremely supportive, and an amazing dancer. Ian's never had a dance partner to match him in height before. [What about Zoe Ball? She was hardly petite - Carrie.] They started training at Penny's house in LA, and now they're in grotty old Britain [But at least they won't have jetlag - Georgi]. Penny's father sits in on the training, which is quite funny. Penny's father doesn't look much older than Rod. [He's probably not, to be fair - Carrie.] Penny doesn't want to let her family down. Penny and Ian are dancing the quickstep to Bobby Darin's 'I'm Sitting On Top of the World'. They're very good - Penny's light on her feet, although I wish she'd relax her grin a little bit; it's kind of terrifying. But on the whole it's a very pleasant routine to watch, I think. Arlene babbles incoherently [that'd be the vodka - Carrie], but the gist is that she loved it. Len loved it and thought it was a great first impression. Bruno compliments her elegance [and calls her the spirit of ecstasy, I think - Carrie][Is he accusing her of being on drugs? That would explain the manic grin - Georgi]. Craig thought the timing was excellent, but the chasses were clumsy. House of Tess-tosterone: Tess says that the routine looked complicated, but Penny says she was loving it. Scores are in: there's a balls up with the scores on screen because Penny gets eights from everyone except Bruno, who gives her nine, but the score on screen shows a nine from Len and then fails to calculate a total. Live TV, eh? Anyway, her total is 33, if I've done my sums right. Tess compliments Penny on the first nine of the competition.

Kelly and Brendan next. I don't recognise Kelly's theme music, but it involves the word "foxy" quite a lot. [Jimi Hendrix's Foxy Lady! - Carrie.] She refers to The Big Breakfast as the "funnest" job she's ever had, which is presumably because she was presenting it rather than watching it. Sorry Kelly, but you were no DVO. She wants to prove there's more to her than a smile and boobs. [To be fair, she does have a nice smile, and nice boobs. There are worse things - Carrie.] Brendan says he's having a hard time keeping his eyes up, but Billy Zane's had a word in his ear, so he'll be behaving. In rehearsals, Kelly says it's weird to have a strange man pressed up against you. I rather like that, personally. [Kelly calls Brendan her little performing monkey, and says she feels like she's in Dirty Dancing. Brendan says, "It's a shame I don't look like Johnny, huh?" Aww - Carrie.] They're dancing the rumba to 'She's Like The Wind', which, I'm sorry, but I think that's too cheesy even for this show. All songs from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack should be banned. It's [Not banned altogether from the world, surely? Anyway, at least the woman vocalist doesn't get to sing this - Carrie.][Brendan would throw his toys out of the pram if Dirty Dancing was banned. This is the man, lest we forget, who did the Time of my Life dance in the final of season 1. - Georgi] The routine, however, is pretty good. Kelly's managing not to sing along this week. [She does however keep smiling, which is not good. Intensity, that's what a rumba needs. Much as I like her, she is going to have a problem with acting during her routines - Carrie.][Although I thought she was supposed to be an actress now? - Georgi] Again, they have great chemistry together and the routine makes great viewing. I...can't really write about dancing, as you may have noticed. Bruno calls it "luscious" and "mouthwatering". He tells Kelly to watch her arms and not to waft them about. Craig calls it the dance of lust and compliments Kelly on her recovery when her dress got caught, which I have to admit totally escaped my notice. Arlene loves Kelly for her feet and says that she goes through her feet beautifully. Len is surprised the smoke detectors didn't go off [But with the recent budget cuts at the Beeb, that's probably just because they have no batteries - Georgi]; he thinks Kelly is a really good dancer but just needs a few refinements. Kelly seems quite chuffed with her feedback. House of Tess-tosterone: Kelly's favourite film is Dirty Dancing, [of course it is. She's 27. All women of a certain age love Dirty Dancing. Isn't that right, Georgi? - Carrie]["I carried a watermelon?!?!!!!!111!!! ZOMGLULZ!" - Georgi] and she's now living the dream. More talk of the dress in the heel. That's about it. Eights from everyone except Arlene, who awards a nine, for another total of 33. Kelly is flabbergasted. [Bless her. She seems like such a sweet girl - Carrie.]

Finally, Gabby and James. Gabby's enjoying the fabulous dresses and the hair and makeup of Strictly, which you presumably don't get much of in football, unless you're Cristiano Ronaldo. (Rimshot!) More blather about the husband and wife competition, which makes me hope Kenny gets booted next week so we can knock all that on the head. James is kind of assholish in his VT, reminding us that he has a temper (O RLY?) but thinks we'll see a different side to him this year because he has a partner who's working harder. And I think the fact that he apparently puts his issues with Georgina [the fat bitch! - Carrie] down to a lack of effort on her part speaks volumes on the sort of person he is. Sorry: not a James fan, I'm afraid. [Well, Ola likes him, and I think Ola is great, so I think there must be some hidden qualities, and he plays up the wanker factor - Carrie.][Maybe Ola just likes bad boys. - Georgi] In rehearsals, things seem to be going well, and Gabby appears to be wearing the trousers. [Gabby has worked him so hard, he has lost a stone. Hee! The fat bastard! - Carrie.] Kenny and Ola pop in to spy on them again. Gabby and James are dancing the quickstep to a song that I've never heard, but which the Strictly website reliably informs me is 'Things' by Robbie Williams. [Which was a sodding cover! Bobby Darin did it! So did Showaddywaddy! I don't know who did it first, though - Carrie.] There's some very elaborate choreography on display here, and I think Gabby's doing very well. It all looks very clean and accurate, anyway. Len says she coped very well - her hold and posture were fine, but her chasses were too skippy. Bruno agrees, and tells Gabby she needs to relax a bit more and release between her shoulder blades, but she did well. (James comes to Gabby's defence here and Len quips: "Gabby and Gobby", which: hee!) Craig calls it "absolutely fantastic" and admires her confidence out of hold. Arlene mixes her metaphors again, saying that the quickstep should be "dancing over hot coals" and this was "coals to Newcastle via Leeds". Oh, Arlene. Please at least try to make sense. Anyway, overall she found it good. In the House of Tess-tosterone, Gabby says that she enjoyed it, although if she could do it again she'd fix a few things, and will take the criticism on board [Drink! - Georgi]. Kenny throws his two penn'orth in and calls her brilliant. Scores on the doors: eight from Craig, seven from everyone else, 29 overall. Gabby looks disappointed. James said they did a lot better in practice, that perhaps nerves played a factor, and that next week they'll kick all kinds of ass, or something.

Scoreboard: Tess apologises for the incorrect graphic during Len's score for Penny and Ian, lest there are claims of ZOMG TELEVISION MISLEADS!!!!11111!!!

The men are now to do the merengue. Gethin thinks the girls set a benchmark last week; John thinks the boys will be much better. Dominic grouses about all the mucking about amongst the men. Willie says he's not funky. The choreographer thinks it will be hit or miss whether they get it right on the night. Matt and Gethin are interviewed together, and Matt is kind of standing unnecessarily close. I think Matt has a little crush on Gethin (which is why I think the shoulder-pat from earlier was him). Matt/Gethin OTP! That would be so hot. [I think Steve is going to set up a Strictly slash blog, readers - Carrie.] [Is that...not what we're doing here? I'm so confused. - Steve]

The men dance. It's...interesting. There are some nice moves. Matt seems to have improved a lot since last week. [Willie looks much better than I thought he would - Carrie.][I thought Willie looked pretty awkward actually; I can see him having trouble with the Latin dances. - Georgi] There's a bit where they all do synchronised head turns and Kenny's about two beats behind everyone else. [Bless him, he's counting away to himself, but he still can't find the beat - Carrie.] Dom takes advantage of the opportunity to smack Lilia's and Flavia's bottoms [Which was, like, totally not choreographed - Georgi]. The music segues into 'I Want You Back' and it all gets very skippy. [John Barnes appears to think he is a long-lost Jackson brother, which is good - Carrie.][Racialist! - Georgi] There's an awesome sequence of Gethin sliding along the floor with a massive grin on his face. He's so pretty. Sigh. This whole dance is very odd. I think the girls shouldn't be having too many sleepless nights over it. [It looks like the choreography had to be dumbed down a lot. Unsurprisingly. Also, what's with the captions for Ola and James this week? They are spelling their last name 'Jordon' rather than 'Jordan', as it has been previously - Carrie.][Or! the caption monkeys are spelling it wrong/spelled it wrong last year. - Georgi] Gethin still needs a bit of work, but he's throwing himself into it. There's an awesome move right at the end where Gethin picks Camilla up off the floor and she sails through the air and lands on his back. I wish I could do that. Not necessarily with Gethin (although I wouldn't say no), just in general.

At the end, Bruce is all "WTF?" Len tells the men that the girls have laid down the gauntlet, and that they all have to fire on all cylinders next week. Note how he doesn't comment on the merengue. Bruno says it was more like a blancmange, [and that it looked like they'd been rehearsing by text - Carrie] and tells them they have to raise their game. Craig thinks Bruno was being harsh and thinks Matt had some good moments. He adds that Willie's hips are a bit "Lesley Garrett", which I assume refers to some kind of running gag from when she was on the show, though I couldn't explain it to you. The others all start chanting "go Willie! Go Willie!" [Hee! Bruce and the judges look confused - Carrie.] Arlene tells the boys to be afraid, and basically tells Kenny he's out of his depth.

Next week it's head to head for the first time. Woo! Performance recap: Stephanie being fabulous. Letitia being a tad hesitant. Kate looking slightly crazy. Alesha doing some lovely spins to some horrid music. Penny making it look effortless. Kelly definitely not being put in a corner. Gabby kicking her feet between James's legs, making me hope that she mistimes it and hits him in the shins.

Results tomorrow - who's going home? I don't want any of the women to go, annoyingly. But one of them must!

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