Tx 7th December 2008
"Last night" was quarter-final night! There were tears (Tom!), tantrums (Brendan!), and tens (guess who!), and now four must become three! This! Is! Strictly Come Dancing!
Bloody hell, the credits really take ages this series. TOO MANY DANCERS.
We welcome the celebs and their partners, and of course Bruce and Tess, who is wearing a purple version of the white lycra mini-dress she had a couple of weeks ago. Bruce welcomes us and declares that the pro dancers should get more credit - "the Italian bloke, the one with Lisa, the blonde girl, and the other one." Ha.
Tess explains the point of voting, and promises us a Vincent and Flavia Argentinian tango, like we've never seen that before; Bruce promises us Barry Manilow; Tess promises us a Brand-New dance and a Viennese waltz.
Recap. Austin and Erin were bottom of the leaderboard. He sticks his bottom lip out, and says that Craig could not have been bored because his lifts were so amazing. Sally Gunnell says Austin and Erin do not have a "relationship". Cliff Parisi admires Austin's backflip. Erin cries because she wants to reach the final. Head Judge Len says he would never have believed they'd be bottom, because Austin is a SPORTSMAN and gets tens just for turning up.
Lisa and Brendan did a beautiful waltz, and Christine Bleakley wishes she was half as good. She doesn't say that. Brendan was proud. Drink! Brendan threw a hissy-fit in the House of Tesstosterone, and Lisa's dad and sister laugh at him, as did most of the viewing public. Then Brendan quite rightly points out that the jive was an 8 if everything else that was worth an 8 is being marked as such, rather than given a 10. [I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but: word, Brendan. Although it's not as if Lisa hasn't benefited from her share of overmarking too. - Steve] Lisa adjusts her boobs.
Speaking of non-warranted 10s, Tom and Camilla got some, and then cried. Camilla feels that she let Tom down with her rumba choreography. Tom's friend reminds us that Tom has JUST GOT MARRIED.
Rachel and Vincent were this week's teachers' pets. Len wishes he had an 11. Expect him to come with a homemade paddle next week. Len has a bottle of white wine and glass of red in front of him in the judges' lair, and reminds us that Vincent is Good At Tango. Rachel's stepdad says they are like a blue-white diamond. Len concludes, "Who'd have thought we've have all four couples with marks in the 70s?" Well, me, for starters, because you KEEP GIVING OUT TENS FOR NO REASON.
Back in the studio, Bruno thinks last night we saw Tom achieving his full potential in the foxtrot. Backstage, Tom perks up and looks incredibly smug. Craig thinks the people at the bottom of the leaderboard are most in danger, but somebody has to go, and he hopes that the best couple win. Arlene says that in the semi-final they'll have the Argentine tango, which takes practice, passion and performance, and she'll be looking for perfection. Len says that it will be tough to send any couple home tonight, and he will feel sorry for whoever it is. "It LITERALLY is a tragedy that one of them have to go," he says. It's sodding not, Goodman. A tragedy is the death of an innocent person, not somebody leaving a competition as per the rules.
This week, we're going to see the hustle performed on Strictly for the first time by Brian and Kristina, to Boogie Wonderland. Kristina looks like the Genie from the lamp. It's all very shiny and discolicious, darling. Watch Warren and Kym from Dancing with the Stars hustling.
In Tess's domain, Rachel says...words; Austin is sulking and feels like a hedgehog and promises to leave his heart on the dance floor should he have to dance off. Tess asks him to leave his sleeves and get the guns out. Shut UP, Daly. Tom says...more words. Tess wishes everyone luck. Nobody cares what Lisa has to say, apparently.
The pros do a Viennese waltz. Kristina does that splits-walk thing again. There's a key change. The music stops abruptly. Lovely.
This week on It Takes Two - no big plans, apparently. [I don't get why they persist on trailing ITT in quite the way they do, given that so much of its content is based on what happens at the weekend, which they obviously do not know at the time of recording. Just have Claudia in a studio reminding us that it's on, for crying out loud. That's all you need. - Steve]
Vincent and Flavia do an Argentine tango with two other random Latin dancers. Flavia and the other lady do some weird table dancing routine. Vincent and the chap do some nice homoerotic tangoing together, intended to impress the watching laydees. I do love the Argentine tango dresses. Then the male-female couples dance together; there's a bit of partner-swapping; it finishes, everyone cheers.
Tess says it's the sexiest thing she's seen on a Sunday in ages; Austin giggles, but nobody else does. Lisa would love to learn the Argentine tango. "Arlene says it requires raw passion," says Tess. Lisa does a tiger growl at Rachel. Austin asks if he can dance with Vincent. Tess says no, but he would have to dance with no sleeves. Sue her for sexual harassment, Austin!
Here is Barry Manilow, singing Copacabana! His face looks really weird these days. Has he had a face-lift? [More than one, is my guess. - Steve] His cheeks don't move. Our pro dancers - Ian and Camilla, and Darren and Lilia, who are samba-rolling their hearts out. Why has nobody taken the possibility of literal choreography into account? [Because Brian Friedman was too busy on the other side? - Steve] Camilla's dress is really flouncy and ugly. There's an excruciating bit at the end where Manilow tries to dance with Camilla and Lilia. And then he shouts OLE! Wail, wail, wail.
What do our celebrities think about their rivals? Who cares? Oh, apparently we do. Tom says Austin's biggest strength is being a sportsman. He might be right. Austin admires Rachel's perfect scores. Rachel admires Lisa coming through the dance-off. Lisa thinks Austin is sneaky. Austin thinks Tom is likeable. Oh, I'm bored now. But suffice to say, nobody wants to leave.
Our votes have been counted, verified and added to the judges' scores, making THIS the Moment of Truth. Rachel appears to be hyperventilating. The couples who are safe - Rachel and Vincent; Tom and Camilla.
So it's the judges' bottom two to dance off - Austin and Erin v Lisa and Angry Brendan. Len's genius advice for the evening is to be proud that they have got this far, then tells Austin to stop being off time and move the hips more, and tells Lisa that the judges thought she was fantastic, though Craig may have said something-or-other, and to keep going as she was.
Then there's a weird bit where the couples go off to take their places, and Bruce says, "Just a minute, just a minute!" and tells them where they should be standing, even though they already know. Anyway, Austin and Erin dance first as Brendan glowers in the background at anyone else having the temerity to choreograph a routine to this. HAHAHAHA some of Erin's fake hair falls off, and is lying in the middle of the floor like a squashed rat. And then some more falls out! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There is much laughter as Tess does the link into Lisa and Brendan's routine, so presumably Brendan is clearing the lost hair away. There are a few small glitches in this routine, and Brendan looks really pissed off the whole way through, but one is to hope that won't be taken into account.
Over to the judges. Craig says it is one of the best dance-offs EVER EVER EVER, and saves Lisa and Brendan. Arlene says it's the first time in HISTORY where the dance they are doing matters so much and keeps Lisa and Brendan. Lisa is about to weep. So is Brendan, it seems. Both lower their eyes to the floor. Bruno says the dance-off was so good and so close and if it was up to him, there would be a rollover. But it is not up to him, so he saves Lisa and Brendan. HA. Hooray!
Austin and Erin are out. Len would have agreed with the judges' choice, but wants to say that they've given him so much pleasure, and leads a standing ovation. Austin thanks everyone at Strictly, and Erin, and his wife, who has brought up FOUR DAUGHTERS BY HERSELF while he's been tarting around with his tits out. Erin says that she has had the best time ever with Austin. Tess urges Austin to take his shirt off some more. Fuck's sake. And then he does. FUCK'S SAKE. [Technically it's Erin who takes it off him. Austin appears to have put it back on by the time the camera cuts back to them for the final dance. - Steve] Bruce attempts to strip too. DO NOT WANT. Bruno is in hysterics.
Join us next week for the semi-final - and until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing!